Chapter 3: IntimacyBy: Katy Robinson

Something to think about: “Young people are at the forefront of developing, using, reworking, and incorporating new media into their dating practices in ways that might be unknown, unfamiliar, and sometimes scary to adults” (Pascoe, 117). I everyday we see the difference in online dating

sites, trying to appeal to the older crowd. In the match.com commercials I remember seeing an older dad who is looking for love. Sites like this don’t need to advertise to the younger crowd because the younger crowd is more likely to be either already there or will consider check into it when looking for a relationship.

Dating, New Media, and Youth A point made in the beginning of this section made

note that while the courtship rituals are “less formal and more varied” than in early and mid twentieth century, they are no less elaborate despite all the technology being used. (p. 119).

This section also notes how the idea of “going steady” evolved: Youth in the 1950s who were going steady indicated this

with an exchange of class rings, letter sweaters, id bracelets etc.

In the 1970s and 1980s this practice declined Terms like going steady, courtship, and dating have been

replaced with: hanging out, going out with someone (p. 119)

“One study showed that the strongest emotion during puberty was “the specific feeling of being in love” (Miller and Benson 1999, 99), and developmental psychologists consider romantic relationships an essential feature of social development in adolescence (Connolly and Goldberg 1999)” (p.119). I found this point interesting, that over-time the

dating rituals have changed SO much, but the emotions and feelings that teenagers experience going through puberty in relation to love hasn’t changed and shouldn’t change for social development

According to this section, youth use 3 primary technologies in their “intimacy practices:1. Mobile Phones—it was noted that many youth do

still use home phones as well!2. Instant Messaging3. Social Network sites

I found it interesting that when talking about how the mobile phone is a benefit to teens they referred to it also as a “leash” with which they can keep tabs on one another. I was not sure that is such a good thing because it does, at least the way it is phrased, pose a problem building trust.

On page 121 there is a reasoning as to why there isn’t much about teen sexual encounters in a chapter about intimacy, but the research that was performed yielded stories about dating, heartbreak, crushes and the like. The researchers may have gotten more of this content had there been multiple interviews, but also there were constraints placed on them by the review board that strongly discouraged talk about sex. I think this explanation is necessary to show that it

isn’t that they didn’t do their research fully, but that sex wasn’t an important part, especially where so much research is focused solely around teens and sex.

Youth Courtship: Meeting, flirting, Going Out, and Breaking Up The example of how Liz and

Grady began their relationship because of Myspace was fitting. Grady saw flirting with Liz in person daunting, because he didn’t know her that well, but on Myspace he was able to talk to her and connect that way. That was the beginning of their relationship, and I can see that being a prevalent thing, although now it’s over Facebook. It can be far less

intimidating, talking to someone first online, rejection is likely easier to handle when it isn’t face-to-face.

“Instant message, text messages, and social network messaging functions all allow teens to proceed in a way that might feel less vulnerable than face-to-face communication” (page. 123). From a personal standpoint, I would say that it’s not just

teens. I am in the process of buying a motorcycle (I know, I’m crazy!) and I have been looking for private sales. I have been text messaging many people, and it is so much easier to make an offer and ask questions than when I am in person. Something about coming off rude or being denied is easier when texting. If I don’t like what they have to say it is much easier to terminate the conversation than if it were face-to-face. (This has nothing to do with intimacy, but these forms of communication definitely help to relieve the feeling of vulnerability that face-to-face conversations tend to have.)

“You can deliberate and answer however you want” (page 124). This is something I can remember when my friends

and I were in high school and talking to people we may have had a crush on over Instant Messenger or Myspace (so much has changed since then). We would take forever to reply to every little thing, looking for the meaning behind the comment, and trying to come up with our own equally clever and casual reply. I remember sometimes we would type these things out just to delete it and start all over, searching for just the right thing to say, something we could never do if this had been face-to-face.

This chapter moves onto meeting people offline, and both John (the Chicago college Freshmen) and Brad (the Berkeley Freshmen) said similar things about meeting people offline. John said the key is meeting them first, and then adding them online. I find that in my own friends (and myself) that

meeting people offline is weird. It is definitely easier to meet someone offline if they are at least friends with someone I know. It’s still awkward, but at least you have someone there that knows both of you, to help alleviate that awkwardness.

“In a similar way, new media also are important tools for gay teens who want to date, because ‘the biggest obstacle to same-sex dating among sexual minority youth is the identification of potential partners’” (p. 128). This was interesting, as was the example about

Robert. Robert was introduced to Matt through Facebook, and they arranged a date. Unlike his heterosexual counterparts, he expressed no hesitancy about meeting someone in person that he had first met online. I can see how the internet would help gay teens. It’s safer and (usually) easier to identify someone with the same interests as you.

Going Out Pascoe says that teens have a

high expectation of contact and availability of their partner, and that the relationship will be publicly acknowledged through digital media. In this way, technology has an effect on long-term, committed relationships.

He also says that this technology can help teens maintain relationships that their parents may not approve of. (p. 128)

Breaking Up “The media that some youth

laud as a comfortable way to meet and get to know a romantic interest are viewed as a poor way to break up with an intimate” (p. 133). As Ironic as it is, it is most

definitely true. It’s not just youth that this applies to, it is socially frowned upon to break up with someone by hiding behind the media technology. Grady (Liz’s boyfriend) said it was seen as disrespectful. I would say that is an excellent way to summarize the problem of breaking up over medial

“New media have created a public venue for digital remnants, where digital representation might outlast the relationship” (p. 133). You don’t think about it, but usually when you are in

a relationship with someone you do a lot together, take a lot of photos, post to their wall a lot, etc. When you break up, some of that doesn’t get deleted (like the photos) and remains a reminder (or remnant) of a past relationship.

On page 133 Box 3.1 goes into the story of Michael and Amy from love to hate (in a nutshell). I thought it was interesting, and thinking about it now, I have seen it a lot, how Michael and Amy professed their love through Myspace accounts, airing their relationship publicly. However, once it was over, the new relationship status of animosity and disdain was also publicly available. As stated in the box, the two are seeking support from their peers, and they are essentially getting just that. The media allows them to broadcast openly to their friends how they are feeling about the breakup. Michael was clearly unhappy with the situation, while Amy had moved on completely.

These new media technologies also allow teens to indirectly communicate after a break up. You can write a blog post, but name no names, or you can change your relationship status just to send a message to one person. This allows for passive communication at the end of a relationship. (p. 138).

Intimate Media: Privacy, Monitoring, and Vulnerability Many teens are involved in relationships

that their parents may not approve of, or they just want the privacy that they are usually not afforded. The media they use allows them a degree of privacy because unlike a phone conversation, an online conversation can’t be overheard or listened in on. You can keep it fairly private.

“This monitoring varies from researching potential love interests to using a shard password to check up on one’s significant other to attempting to restrict one’s significant other’s communications with his or her friends” (p. 139). The example of a couple of teens using the media to

“check up” on their boyfriends. Pascoe explains that this behavior of “checking up” occurs when there is a crush, a romantic partner, or sometimes after a break up

Pascoe also uses the example of some teens changing their digital footprint to mislead their significant other and/or protect their privacy. One teen said he deletes messages from other girls that might anger his girlfriend, and another said that he will change the contacts in his phone (a girls name to a boys name) so that if his girlfriend was checking his phone she would see him talking to guys, not girls. Furthermore, it is said that some of this monitoring

borderlines serious emotional control and/or abuse.

“The same technologies that allow youth to manage emotional exposure might also render them more vulnerable, in part because of the amount and type of information shared and the speed at which it can travel” (p.144). This is unfortunate but true. What makes it worse is

that teens don’t generally have a great concept of the future consequences that some of their online interactions could have.

Conclusion Not being ridiculously far past my teenage years much of what

has been said in this chapter hits home. However, it is not just teens that experience much of what was discussed. In a way, I almost find it scary how much teens are relying on the new technology to meet people, only because it can be so dangerous. However, I can certainly identify with the ease of communication that is allowed and the “safe” feeling you can get because you are not putting yourself out there face-to-face and you can negotiate the conversation on your terms, saying exactly what you want to say and how to say it.

Unfortunately, you lack the control of what other people are publicly posting about you and your relationship. It appears that the teens of the time are certainly managing quite well to be sure!

It is interesting to see how much dating has evolved from the early 1950s to now. At that time, I am sure they would never have imagined the type of courtship around now. This makes me wonder what teens will be doing 20 years down the road from now.