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She proudly handed over a report she had produced for him.

He said, “I asked you to produce a report, why have you given me a

thesis?”

She replied, “You asked me to produce a robust report and that’s what I

have given you.”

He slapped the document down and said, “That’s no use to me. I have to

make a decision before the meeting in 15 minutes. I don’t have time to

read all that.”

She said, “I stayed up all night to make sure the report was thorough

and looked professional. If that’s not what you wanted then you should

have been clear.”

He retorted, “Well I thought you understood that I needed some

recommendations to help make a quick decision, not War and Peace!”

“Well you should have been specific.” She shot back.

“And you should have checked.” He concluded.

Perception is all there is

Here’s a conversation I overheard recently between a manager and

one of his team members.

There is no point wondering about who is right, wrong or better.

This is an example of the millions of high risk interactions that

happen each day between humans. Indeed it is a miracle that any

of us ever achieve any kind of understanding.

“The map is not the territory” Alfred Korzybski

Human knowledge of the world is limited both by our nervous

system and by the structure of our language. This means we don’t

have direct experience of reality, but an indirect experience of it

through our perceptions and our personal and cultural beliefs.

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The problem is that we have a tendency to confuse our models of

reality with reality itself.

At a practical level this can lead us to assume and behave as if our

model of reality is shared, or that it is superior, right, accurate or

better than anyone else’s. Taken to extremes, this is a form of

insanity.

The most effective communicators act with awareness of this risk.

They usually explore other people’s ‘maps’ or perceptions to test

and confirm that they have some shared understanding and avoid

at least some risk, by questioning their own assumptions and

identifying any gaps.

Judith DeLozier and John Grinder (Turtles all the way down,

1995) introduced the idea of ‘Perceptual Positions’ which enables

us to gain multiple perspectives for any interaction. This powerful

technique can lead to a much richer understanding of the

perceptions involved and help achieve better quality communication.

It can work with interactions involving more than two people, but

we will stick with two here for simplicity.

The Perceptual Positions Tool

First Position

This is you seeing the world through your eyes, hearing the world

through your ears and making sense of the interaction from your

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point of view, through your set of beliefs and assumptions. You will

be in your usual body posture and use first person language.

Second Position

This is you imagining you are the other person, seeing the world

through their eyes, hearing it through their ears and feeling it with

their criteria, goals, beliefs and intentions. It helps to embody their

perceptions by taking on their typical body posture and gestures

and to use their language patterns. It is important to use first

person language to maintain a clean state. For example you would

say “I feel ….” As if you are actually the other person.

Third Position

This implies that you have already enriched your understanding

through a clean First and Second Position experience. It is a

detached perspective, as if you are an observer of the interaction so

it’s important to use third person language (“he/she is….” even

when referring to self), as this helps to stay neutral/objective and

not be driven by the emotions and motivations explored in First

I want/need…My goal is…

I feel… My view is…

What’s important to me is..

I want/need… My goal is…

I feel… My view is…

What’s important to me is…

1st You

2nd You as the

other person

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and Second positions. The aim of this position is to evaluate the

dynamic of this relationship and identify patterns, risks and

opportunities for influencing the self.

Preferences

Most of us have a preferred position, and a least preferred one. It’s

useful to discover your habitual perspective as this is how you are

likely to be experiencing the world most often, and where you have

a tendency to get stuck. You are more likely to find new solutions

from your least preferred perspective, so it is worthwhile

consciously developing this skill.

People with a strong preference for First Position can inspire

confidence through the power of their presence, but can also be self

centred and difficult to influence.

3rd You as objective

observer + enriched

perspective from 1st

& 2nd

From here what do I see/hear

& feel? Any insights? What

could help? What else?

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People with a strong preference for Second Position can appear

caring and are easy to collaborate with, but they often overlook

their own needs which can result in a negative impact longer term.

People with a strong preference for Third Position can seem wise

and collaborative, but they may have only briefly visited First and

Second, and have a superficial level of understanding from these

perspectives.

Some people have a preference for a Detached First Position which

has limited potential for any meaningful communication.

There is an art to using this technique and conscious practice is

highly recommended. It helps to physically and visually separate the

positions spatially using different chairs, or by standing in different

locations, until you have clearly wired in the different psychological

states associated with these different perspectives. Use a coach or

mentor to help you cleanly and thoroughly access each position.

You can use this tool for planning purposes before a scheduled

interaction, as well as during the communication.

Fourth Position

There is a fourth position which takes a bigger perspective than

Third. It takes into account the system or systems which provide a

context for the relationship and it can include multiple timeframes.

This advanced skill is associated with Conscious or Integral

Leadership.

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* STEEP = Social, Technological, Economic, Environmental &

Political

“The only form of influence is by example.” Albert Schweitzer

Past Now Future

Market

Team

Organisation

4th You with 1st, 2nd

& 3rd perspectives +

multiple contexts and

timeframes

History & likely scenarios,

opportunities & risks,

STEEP* Implications,

systemic/integral view