PART B

CONTENTS

• Responding to Conflict 5

• A case study on Assertive Communication 12

• How to phrase an “I – Statement” 13

• Aikido and its relevance to Conflict resolution 16

• Verbal aikido 21

• Mastery of Harmony and Flow 24

• Nigeria: A case Study 27

• The Jan. 15th 1966 coup d ‘etat 30

• The July 29th 1966 counter coup d ‘etat in Nigeria 32

• The Aburi Peace Accord 34

• Ojukwu: a leader of circumstance 40

• Moving Forward 41

• A lesson in leadership 44

• Exercise 48

• A prayer for the Nation(s)

• References 50

PREFACE

Conflict is all around us. Its not something we can choose to have or not have.

It just is.

It may centre on something as seemingly trivial as who leaves their dirty

teacups in the sink, where to go for Christmas lunch, or whether to buy a new

piece of equipment for work; or it may be more complicated, such as whether or

not an unpleasant task is or is not part of a job description…

This course is not about avoiding conflict. Avoiding conflict is not only impossible

but undesirable! This course is about discovering productive ways of handling

conflict – ways that make a difference in all areas of our lives – with work

colleagues, friends, spouses, children, sales people, doctors and bosses.

The very same skills are relevant in dealings at community, national and

international arenas, but it’s easiest to learn and apply them in our personal

relationships at the start.- HELENA CORNELIUS, DIRECTOR, THE CONFLICT

RESOLUTION NETWORK (CRN) CHATSWOOD, AUSTRALIA

CONFLICT RESOLUTION

WORKS.

The Win-Win Approach to Conflict Resolution; Relationship

Management and Leadership

(Vol.1)

Materials based on

Conflict Resolution

Network

www.crnhg.org, used

with permission

RESPONDING TO CONFLICT

• Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space

lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our

response lies our growth and freedom.

Viktor Frankl

RESPONDING TO CONFLICT

• Within each conflict lies the potential to move the relationship,

the situation or the system forward.

• You can come to believe that conflict is the grit in the oyster

that produces the pearl!

RESPONDING TO CONFLICT

We can learn to move out of emergency reaction of Fight, flee and freeze

during conflict.

When we become more aware and attuned to our emotions and our body

signals and understand the messages we are receiving; what might be

upsetting us, and how we might be interpreting the conflict situation through

what goes on in our body, thoughts and emotions: we can learn to respond

more calmly and appropriately to the conflict situation after examining those

thoughts critically , rather than react negatively to the situation.

We call it in the Martial Arts, “Centredness”: where from a calm state of

mind and body, we are able to move beyond our personal struggles and

concerns into a larger perspective, and greet conflict like a friend when it

arises, and operate calmly, compassionately and appropriately to the

situation, and also learn and discover more about ourselves in the process.

RESPONDING TO CONFLICT

If someone has lost control of their anger and you are about to react through

FIGHT, FLEE OR FREEZE, it may be necessary for you to make a tactical

withdrawal to allow yourself to calm down before responding appropriately

– and use the situation creatively and constructively to improve the

relationship afterwards.

• Tactical withdrawal is not the same as fleeing from the

situation.

• Maintain connection with the other person…

Acknowledge their perspective about the situation as well as their concerns

and values even if you do not agree with them.

Describe how their behavior is causing you a problem and state what you

would like to have.

One of the ways to do this is by phrasing an ‘I’ statement.

An ‘I’ statement is an objective description of how someone’s behavior is

affecting you, without blaming or hurting the person, and without eliciting a

defence from that person.

It is an invitation and an opener to having a constructive dialogue.

A CASE STUDY

The essence of an ‘I’ statement is to communicate clearly ones perception and

feelings about a problem without attacking, blaming or hurting the other person;

to open a discussion without eliciting a defence from the other person.

Emeka and Ndidi had planned to go see a movie together. They agreed to meet

by a restaurant at a scheduled time. On arriving at the restaurant, Ndidi waited

another 30 minutes for Emeka whom it appeared, was running late.

When Emeka finally arrived, he explained to Ndidi about how he ran into some

old school mates and that they forced him to have a few drinks with them, and

that he was sorry for keeping her waiting.

Ndidi responded by saying: ‘that is how you will say sorry, and tomorrow you will

do the same thing again.’

Their conversation escalated from what should have been a romantic evening to

an accusation, attack and defence session, leaving both parties feeling more

irritated, and the entire evening ruined.

HOW TO PHRASE AN ‘I’ STATEMENT

This is how Ndidi can phrase an ‘I’ statement concerning Emeka’s behavior and what was

upsetting her:

“ I understand the need to huddle up with old time friends. And when I’m left alone, to be

all by myself on a day we had already planned to spend some time together, I begin to feel

like I’m not valued and I get irritated and this affects the rest of my day also.”

“What I’d like is for you to call or send a message, informing me that you’d be running a bit

late, that way, I can reorganize my time and not have to sit and worry whether you’ll show

up or not.”

“I hope this is okay with you?”

Remember the idea of an ‘I’ statement is to open a discussion without eliciting a

defensiveness from the other person.

Depending on the response of the other person, you can choose an appropriate next

action, either to phrase another “I” statement or listen actively to the underlying concerns

about the complaint, to start discussing the problem in more detail.