Dedication

Toallwhowanttoleavethelivesofothersbetterthantheymayhavefoundthemattheirworst

WithaheartfeltsalutetothestreetcopsofAmericawhohavesharedtheirskills

withmeAndwiththankstomyfamily,whomighthavewishedIhadbeenaquicker

learner

Contents

DedicationForewordADecadeLaterIntroductionCommunicationasaNoncontactSport1BirthofaCommunicationSamurai2MotivatingtheDisagreeable3BaptismofFire4TakingCrapwithDignity...andStyle5TheNice,theDifficult,andtheWimp6ElevenThingsNevertoSaytoAnyone(AndHowtoRespondIfSomeIdiotSaysThemtoYou)7TheCrucibleoftheStreet8TheMostPowerfulWordintheEnglishLanguage9TheGreatestSpeechYou’llEverLivetoRegret10TheOnlyWaytoInterruptPeopleandStillHaveThemLoveYou11VerbalJudoVersusVerbalKarate12TheFive-StepHardStyle13TheFirstGreatCommunicationArt:Representation14TheSecondGreatCommunicationArt:Translation15TheThirdGreatCommunicationArt:Mediation16WhatMakesThisAllSoDifficult

17Readin’,’Ritin’,andRhetoric18HowtoDiagnoseaVerbalEncounter19TheLanguageofReassurance20HowtoFightFair21TaketheGiantLEAPS22ApplyingLEAPStoYourWorld23PersuasionforFunandProfit24TheMisunderstoodMotivator25YouCanPunishWithoutDrawingBlood26DancingWhenYouMightHaveStumbled27VerbalJudoasanAutomaticResponse28FinalChapter:TheFiveTruthsThatFitAllAbouttheAuthorWithVerbalJudo,you’lllearnhowtoCreditsCopyrightAboutthePublisher

Foreword

byLeeFjelstadandPamThompson

FORTHELAST thirtyyearsofhiseclecticlife,GeorgeJ.ThompsonIII,akaDocRhino,crisscrossedAmericawithamessagetheworlddesperatelyneedstohear—a message of tolerance for other human beings. This message begins withempathy, the touchstone for George’s Verbal Judo program. The new finalchapter in thisedition introducesGeorgeThompson’sFiveUniversalTruthsofhumaninteraction:

1.Allpeoplewanttobetreatedwithdignityandrespect.2.Allpeoplewanttobeaskedratherthantoldtodosomething.3.Allpeoplewanttobeinformedastowhytheyarebeingaskedorordered

todosomething.4.Allpeoplewanttobegivenoptionsratherthanthreats.5.Allpeoplewantasecondchancewhentheymakeamistake.Thisglobalmessagepromoting respect, understanding, and forgiveness can

connectallpeopleeverywhere.Butweneedavehicletodevelopunderstanding,andusingourwordsforadefinedpurposecancreatetheforwardmomentum.

Verbal Judo can help in every profession and can greatly enhance ourpersonal lives.GeorgeThompsonsharedabeliefwith theancientGreeks: thataction followsphilosophy and thatwhatwebelievewill dictate our actions inlife.Thompsonadvocatedthat themoredifferentwearefromothers, themore“tactically”wemustspeakinordertogaincompliance,developcooperation,orworkincollaboration.“Tacticalcivility”bettersupportsouractionsandlessensresistance tonew ideasor evenchange.By trulybelievingandadvocating thephilosophyof respect forothers,wecanmaintainour tacticalpositioneven inadversarialsituations,whileallowingotherstodisagreeandkeeptheirdignity.

Verbal Judo strategies and tactics can help in so many ways to turnreactionarysituationsintowinningsituations.Historyclassesarefullofaccountsofwarscausedbythedesireforlandandresources,butmanytimesthesewarshave been fought over simple disrespect.With anger becoming a new type ofdanger, the ability to speak calmly and persuasively has never been morenecessary than now.The digital age has fundamentally changed howwemustconductouraffairsinbothprofessionalandpersonalinteractions.Ourwordsarenowcarried to themasses,andourmistakesanderrors in judgmentarepublicandrecorded,ifwesaythingswe’lllaterregret.

The philosophical foundation of Verbal Judo promotes using language toachieveaprofessionalpurposeand todosowith realpowerandempathy.Webuildabridge thatwillpromotedignityand respect.Recognizing theneed forrespect and the preservation of dignity of others are crucial, in every personaland professional encounter from police toward law-breakers, businesscompetitor towardcompetitor,parents towardchildren, student toward teacher,doctortowardpatient,andviceversa.GeorgeThompsonneverwantedpeopletoconfusesympathywithempathy;wecanfeelthepainofothersbymerelyaskingourselves howwewould feel under identical circumstances.Verbal Judo doesnotrequireturningtheothercheekortheuseoftouchy-feelylanguage,anddoesnotpushpoliticalcorrectness;wemustcommunicateourpurpose,butwearenotrequiredtorespectwrongfulactions.

In law-enforcement classes Thompsonwas quick to state that those in theprofessionofbringingorderfromchaoscannotpossiblybeexpectedtorespectthe actions of hardened criminals against hapless victims.Wemust, however,respect their individual or collective constitutional rights; wemust ensure theproper course into the courtroom and not compromise subsequent convictionswithanyactionthatunderminesourprofessionalgoal.ToquoteapoliceofficerfromNorthDakota,“Wetreatpeopleasladiesandgentlemen,notbecausetheyare,butbecauseweare.”Whatseparatesprofessionalismfromamateurbehavioris giving our opponent no solid grounds tomake a stand against us,with ourcommentsoractions.

A scholar turned police officer turned police trainer, George ThompsoncreatedVerbalJudoandwaspresidentof theVerbalJudoInstitute, Inc.,whichhefoundedin1984,foroverthirtyyears.Doctrainedhisfirstassociatein1985,followedbymanyothers—alldedicatedtoteachinghisprincipleswiththesameenthusiasmandcommitment tochanginghowweviewconflictandresolution.Institute clients expanded quickly beyond the arena of law enforcement into

corporations and business, the airline and cruise industries, the medicalprofession, and the field of education, and have become hugely popular withgovernment employees in city, county, and federal offices. Operations weredeveloped and expanded outside North America with offices in Australia,Africa, and Scandinavia, and the books have been published in severallanguages,makingthereachofVerbalJudoglobal.Since1984overonemillionpeople have sat inVerbal Judo classes, and hundreds of thousandsmore haveread the books, watched the videos, and listened to the audio versions of theprinciplesandtacticsofVerbalJudo.

The lifeworkofGeorgeThompsonhasbecomea forceof itsown throughVerbal Judo and the Verbal Judo Institute, Inc. Imbued with his spirit, theprogram will continue to spread and envelop the world, one person, oneprofession,onenationata time,untilhisvision iscomplete.TheInstitutewillcontinue to promote new writings, new video and audio works, and newprogramstomeetthedemandsofaworldthatseemssometimesonfire.WeattheVerbalJudoInstitute,Inc.,andourVerbalJudofamilythankallourclientswho have supported us over the decades. We will be here always with themessageGeorgewantedustocarryintothefuture.

We thank all of you for your continued support ofVerbal Judo,with PamThompsonnowtheCEO,andyourcontinuedvigilanceinhelpingusprotectDr.Thompson’s legacy.The sadpassingofDr.George J.Thompson IIIhas left aholeinourhearts,buthisprogramandidealswillmoveforward.

Wepromise.

LeeFjelstadandPamThompsonAnd the rest of our family in theUnitedStates:MikeManley,DougHaig,

SteveWopershall; William King in Australia; Darcy Pennock in Canada; BoMuntheinSweden;andDonGoldinAfrica.

Please visit the Verbal Judo websites: verbaljudoglobal.com andverbaljudoinstituteinc.com.

ADECADELATER

THISLITTLEVOLUMEyouareholdinginyourhands,VerbalJudo:TheGentleArtof Persuasion, battled to survivewhen it was first launched into the crowdedbookmarketplacein1993.Butlittlebylittle,readersbegantoembraceitshope-filled message of better relationships and better communication throughempathy.Ourseminarsandtrainingsessionsbegantoswellwithmoreandmoreenthusiastic participants and word spread that this Verbal Judo stuff reallyworks!

Weknowof thebook’s impact fromthehundredsof lettersande-mailswehave received over the past decade. We know of its power from the manytestimonials from our seminar participants, many of whom have come to thecoursemore than once.As one put it last year, “Youknow,Doc,Verbal Judochangedmylife,but Ineed tohear itsgospelevery twoyearsorso.”Anotherwrote me, shortly after attending a training session, “Thanks for saving myrelationshipwithmyteenageson.WhenIgothome,Isatdownandtalkedtomyson,reallyforthefirsttimeinyears.VerbalJudoturnedmearound.Thankyou!”And then there was the police officer who attended my five-day instructorcourse. On day one, aMonday, he informedme, “I’m getting a divorce nextweek.”ByThursdaynighthecalledmeatmyhoteltotellme,“Youknow,Doc,thiscoursehashithome.Icalledmywifejustnowandtoldherweareputtingoff the divorce and heading to counseling, something she had wanted and Ihadn’t.IhavelearnedI’mtheproblem,andIvaluemywifeandkidsandintendtomake thenecessarychanges.”Ayear later IgotaChristmascard fromhimandhiswife—happilytogether!

Suchresponsesmakememorecommittedthanevertosharingthepowerfultechniquesinthisbooksotheycanbenefitasmanypeopleaspossible.Duringthis past decade, I have personally trained thousands of police officers inhundreds of departments, ranging from LAPD and San Diego to Chicago,

NYPD, andMiamiDade County, tomention only a few. Verbal Judo is nowrequiredpolicetraininginmoststates,andtheofficerswhouseitaresaferandmoreprofessional.

But Verbal Judo is more than just good training for police and otheremergency personnel; it’s useful for anyone. Years ago I modified it for thebusiness and corporate world, and now my staff routinely teaches serviceprofessionals, airline personnel, state and federal employees, realtors, andanyone who works in the potentially “hot arena” of public service, sales, orbusiness. Schoolteachers and administrators can greatly benefit from thistraining, ascoulddoctorsandmedical staffsacross thecountry.Evenourkidsneedthistraining,whichiswhyI’mdevelopingacoursespecificallyforthem.

TofurtherillustratetheneedforVerbalJudo,Iwouldliketoshareapersonalexperience. I recentlyunderwent throat surgery forcancer. I lostmy leftvocalcord,andwithitmyabilitytospeakprofessionally,butIamnowcancerfree.Ispentfifteendaysinthehospital,frailandweakfromthesurgery,watchedoverbyperhapstwentyorsonurses,doctors,andstudents.Icouldn’tsleep,Icouldn’teat,and Icouldbarelymove.Thequalityofcarewas terriblyuneven, rangingfrom awful to acceptable,with only one excellent.Nowherewas the need forVerbalJudotrainingmoreevident.Hardlyanyoneseemedtohaveanyempathyfor those of us who were hurt and scared—we were just “beds.” Cold andimpersonalwasthenorm;justalittlehumancontactorakindwordwouldhavemade such a difference. And that difference is exactly what this book has tooffer.

The entire basis ofVerbal Judo is to treat peoplewith dignity and respect,mostofallyourfamilyandclosefriends.Beeversocarefulhowyouspeaktothem,aswordscancutdeeperandfesterlongerthanswordwounds.Ironically,weoftenspendlessenergybeingkindtothoseclosesttous.Changeit!IlearnedagaininthehospitalwhatI’vealwaysstriventoteachandknowmyself:Inthislife,themostimportantthingyouhaveisyourrelationshipswithpeople.VerbalJudocanhelpyoumaintainthoserelationshipsandimprovethequalityofyourlifeandthelivesofthosearoundyou.Ithassavedlives,marriages,andcareers—anditcanworkforyoutoo.Useit!

INTRODUCTION

CommunicationasaNoncontactSport

THELASTTHINGDr.GeorgeJ.ThompsonwantsisforVerbalJudo tobemerelyanentertainingcollectionoftrue-lifecopstories.Admittedly,ithasitsshareofback-alley fights suddenly neutralized with left-field offers, suicide attemptsderailedbywilycandor,anddomesticsquabblesdefusedbyacopwhoknowshowtointrudeanddonothing.ButVerbalJudoismuchmore.

A former collegeEnglish literature professor,GeorgeThompson is a blackbeltinbothjudoandtaekwondokarate,acombinationthatmadeoneunusualpoliceofficerwhenhefirstputonabadgeatagethirty-five.

Today,throughhisVerbalJudoInstitute,heprimarilytrainscopshowtousetheir mouths instead of their night-sticks and guns. He is also in demand byschoolteachers,hospitaladministrators,salespeople,andbusinessexecutives.HehastrainedpeopleatorganizationsrangingfromIBMtotheFBI,andfromtheU.S.ForestServicetoMetropolitanLife.Itiscopsonthestreet,though,whoseliveshanginthebalanceiftheydon’tuselanguageproperly.

AmongGeorge Thompson’s students have been six thousand five hundredmembers of the Los Angeles Police Department. In fact, the four officersvideotaped in theRodneyKing incidentwere oneweek away from taking hisVerbal Judo class. George Thompson believes that violence could have beenavoidedhadtheofficersspentadayinhisclassroom.

IntrainingtensofthousandsofofficersthroughouttheUnitedStates,GeorgeThompson has developed foundational, state-of-the-art communication skillsthatareeasy to learnandwillworkforanybody.Hebelieves thatVerbalJudoprinciples can save ordinary citizens unnecessary conflict, tension, and abuse.Thisbookisintendedforanyonewhowantstoreducestressbyusingthemost

effective and powerful communication techniques available today. It is forpeople who like to get what theywant by using responsiblemeans—whetherconvincingacontractorthattheyhavebeenoverchargedorgettingabosstostopsexualharassment.VerbalJudoalsoeffectivelyteachesparentshowtomotivatetheirchildrentodobetterinschool—orhowtoprotectthemselvesonthestreet.

Verbal Judo is designed for people who want more open and satisfyingrelationships—with their families, their colleagues, their employees, and theirfriends.Itstechniquesforestablishingrapportandempathycanalsohelppeopleenjoy improved relationships. It is not uncommon for students to approachGeorgeThompsonafteraclassandask,“Wherewereyoutwomarriagesago?”Verbal Judo is a manual for those who want a powerful communication

breakthroughthatcanimprovetheirlives.WhatdifferentiatesVerbalJudofromotherbooksoncommunicationisthatit

offerssolutionsthatworkwhenpeopleareunderpressure.Itprovidestechniquesthat have been tested on the street bymen andwomen responding to life-or-deathsituations.

Verbal Judo can develop in you habits of thinking and acting that GeorgeThompsondevelopedinhisextensivestudyofthemartialarts.Itblendsthebestof an Eastern-style mind-set (particularly the notion of using the energy ofnegativesituations)withsuchWesternphilosophiesastheGoldenRuleandevenAristotelian rhetoric, which Dr. Thompson studied in post-graduate work atPrinceton.VerbalJudowillteachyoutorespond—notreact—tosituations.Usingwhat

George Thompson calls “themost dangerousweapon on the street today: thecockedtongue,”youwill learntoadaptandbeflexible, justaspractitionersofphysicaljudodo.Youwilllearntouseyourwordstoredirectthenegativeforceofotherstowardpositiveoutcomes.

Youdon’thavetounderstandcomplexphilosophiestobecomeproficientinVerbal Judo. George Thompson teaches by simple example, through his ownreal-lifeexperiences.Hetellshowheandother“saltyoldpolicedogs”cleverlytalked their way out of danger. And he provides amusing anecdotes from hisyearsasaparent,tryingtooutwitthreegiftedchildren.

In Verbal Judo you’ll learn to speak with anybody without causing orescalating conflict. You’ll learn to praisewithout soundingmanipulative.Andyou’ll learn toconstructivelycriticizewithmoreempathysopeople rememberwhatwassaidwithlessinjurytoprideandtheirfeelings,becomemotivatedtochange, and continue to feel like valued teammembers.VerbalJudo also has

solutionsfordealingwithpeopleundertheinfluenceofliquor,drugs,fear,rage—orplainstupidity.

WithGeorgeThompson’stacticsformind-mouthharmony,youwilllearnfarmorethanhowtothrowwordsaroundtolivemoresafelyinatreacherousworld.Youwilllearnanewhabitofmind,agentleapproachtakingcontrolofsituationswithoutcreatingstress,withoutfrustration,andwithoutconflict.

As he clarifies in Chapter 17, “Nowhere did I learn these principlesmoreclearly than on the streets as a cop. I use a lot of police examples, because Ibelieve it is easy to transfer the principles to everyday civilian situations.MyhopeisthatpeoplemightseepoliceanecdotesastheessenceofVerbalJudoinstarkclarity.Inotherwords,ifitdoesn’tworkonthestreet,youcan’tuseitinthe home or at the office. And if it does work on the street, well, see foryourself...”

1

BirthofaCommunicationSamurai

ITWASTHEmostoutrageousway tobustupa fight Ihadeverseen. I’dbeenarookie cop ten days when my partner got the call. At two A.M. we weredispatchedtobreakupanastydomesticdisputeinatenementontheeastsideofEmporia,Kansas,notoriousfordrugdealingandrandomviolence.

Wecouldhearthecouple’svicious,mouth-to-mouthcombatfromthestreet.My training sergeant and partner, Bruce Fair, and I approached and peekedthrough the half-open door. Then Bruce just walked in without bothering toknock.Iwatchedashestroderightpastthewarringcouple,tookoffhisuniformcap,sighed,andplantedhimselfonthecouch.Ignoringtheargument,hepickedupanewspaperandthumbedthroughtheclassifieds!

Leaning against the door with my hand on the butt of my .357, I wasflabbergasted.Bruce seemed to violate all the rules of police procedure. I hadnever seen him enter a house without identifying himself, without askingpermission,orwithoutatleastsayingwhyhewasthere.Therehewas,treatinganangrycoupleinatenementapartmentasifhewereavisitinguncle.

Brucekeptreadingandthecouplekeptarguing,occasionallyglancingatthecop on their couch. They had yet to notice me. As the man cursed his wife,Brucerattledthenewspaper.“Folks.Folks!Excuseme!Overhere!”

Thestunnedhusbandflashedadoubletake.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Brucesaid,“Yougotaphone?Lookhere.A1950Dodge!Cherrycondition!

CanIborrowyourphone?Iknowit’slate,butIdon’twanttomissoutonthis.Where’syourphone?Ineedtocallrightnow!”

Thehusbandpointedtothephone, incredulous.Bruceroseanddialed, thenmumbledintothephone.Heslammeditdown.“Canyoubelievetheywouldn’t

talktomejustbecauseit’stwointhemorning?”Bynowthefighthadevaporated,thecouplestandingthereasdumbfounded

as Iwas. “By theway,”Bruce said pleasantly, as if just becoming aware, “isanythingthematterhere?AnythingmypartnerandIcandoforyou?”

Thehusbandandwifelookedatthefloorandshooktheirheads.“Notreally,no.” We chatted with them a bit, reminding them that it was late and thateveryonearoundwouldappreciatealittlepeaceandquiet.Soonwewereonourway.

Then I was really puzzled. Earlier that night we had broken up a similardisputeintheclassiccopfashion.Wequicklytookcontrolwithpoliteauthority,performedwhat’sknownasa“separateandsuture” (where thewarringpartiesare separated, calmed, and then brought back together), and diffused thesituation.ThatwasthewayIhadbeentrained,sowhatwasthisnewtwist?

Imean, as a former college English professor who had taughtMilton andShakespeare for ten years, I’d seen some ingenious twists of plot. But a coptamingtwoanimalsbyintrudingasarudebutfriendlyguest?Brucehadforcedthosepeopletoplayhosttohimwhetherornottheywantedto.

AssoonaswewerebackinthesquadcarIaskedhim,“What in theworldwas thatall about?Whydidweseparateandsutureearlierandpull thiscrazynewspaper-and-telephonegagjustnow?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I’vebeenon the streetmore’n tenyears.Youjustlearn.”

“Hey, Imay be new at this,” I said, “but I’m no kid. [Iwas thirty-five.] Ihaven’tgot tenyears. I couldgetblownaway if I tried that stunt.Weneed totalk.Tellmehowyouknewyoucouldgetawaywiththat.”

Ididn’trealizeitthen,butthateveningmarkedthebirthofVerbalJudoandwasthefirstlessoninmycareerasacommunicationsamurai.Ihadstudiedthemartial arts, starting with genuine Indian wrestling, since I was six and heldblackbeltsinjudoandtaekwondokarate,butIhadneverseensuchprinciplessoeffectivelyappliedtolifeonthestreets.

Itwasone thing topractice themartialarts inastorefrontdojowithpolite,honorableopponentsbowingandworkingtogether,competingandlearning.(InjudoIhadlearnedthegentleartofredirectingmyopponent’senergytoachievemyowngoal. Ifhecamestraight atme, Iwould sidestepand tryamove thatwouldaddtohismomentum,carryinghimpastmewhereIcouldtakecontrol.)But IhadwatchedBruceFairdovirtually thesame thingwithoutanounceofphysical force.With hismouth, a newspaper, and a telephone, he had calmed

twohotheadswithredirectivetechniqueshehadabsorbedthroughexperience.I was intrigued. During the remainder of my tenure as a police officer—

working everything from canine patrol to hostage negotiations—I carefullywatched and listened to guys like Bruce. I began systematically studying thecommunicationtechniquesofsaltyoldpolicedogs,carryingataperecorderwithmeonevery call. I listenednotonly towhatwas said, but also tohow itwassaid.TimeaftertimeIsawolder,street-savvyofficersassumerolesandcounter-roles, suavely manipulating people’s energies to calm otherwise dangeroussituations.

I quickly became convinced that good police officers are the greatestcommunicators in the world. They often have to issue orders and elicitcompliancefromhostilesubjects,aswhenthey’rederailingadrugdealandthegangmembers are reaching for theirAK-47s.Despitemy classical education,whichhadexposedmeto thefinestrhetoriciansof theages,I realizedthatmyrealpostdoctoralworkhadn’tbeendoneatPrinceton. Itwasunfolding formerightonthestreetsofEmporia.

I’vemade everymistake you canmake in communication, so I’mno guruaddressing you from a state of perfection. Rather, I’m someonewho’s finallylearnedfromhismistakes.IfIcansaveyouthekindofhassleI’veendured,I’llconsiderthisendeavorasuccess.

I have three overarching goals. First andmost important is to ensure yourpersonal safety. Developing mind-mouth harmony is the greatest skill in theworld, because if you make a mistake with either you can find yourself inserious personal danger. You can lose a marriage, stall a career, instigateviolence, lose your credibility, alienate people, and lose friends. I know, I’vedonethemall.

Whetheryouare an executiveor ahomemaker,Verbal Judo, if fornothingelse, is designed to keep you alive. Admittedly, police officers—the primaryaudience formycourseover theyears—aremuchmorevulnerable toviolencethantherestofus.Inthelasttenyears855policeofficerswerekilledinthelineofduty,andmorethansevenhundredtimesthatnumberwoundupinemergencyrooms across the country. We know from research that almost all of thoseinjuriesbeganwithmind-mouthdisharmony.That’swhyItellcopsthatthemostdangerousweapontheycarryisnotthe9mmorthe.357orthepumpshotgun.Theirmostdangerousweaponisthecockedtongue.(Moreonthatlater.)

Goal number two is to enhance your professionalism. Regardless whetheryou’re in retail, wholesale, on a police force, part of corporate America, or

workingathome,you’reaprofessional.EverythingIofferherecanmeasurablyimprove your performance by reducing complaints from those youworkwithandreducingyourpersonalstress.

If you can learn touseyourwordswithout causing strife and conflict, youwill have fewer complaints in theworkworld and fewer argumentswithyourfriends and family. This will go a long way in reducing stress, which issomething you usually bring on yourself by the way you deal with people.Reduceyourcapacityforconflict,andyouwillreducestress.

Mythirdgoalistoincreaseyourefficiencybyimprovingyourperformancelevel.Thiswillhave theaddedbenefitof improvingyourself-esteem, thewayyouviewyourself.Increasingyourefficiencyalsomeansimprovingyourabilityto “say it right” the first time, rather than as so many of us do, having toapologize, restate, and try to explainwhyyou firedoffwords that causedyouproblemsinthefirstplace.

IftherewasonethingIdidn’tlikeaboutmyacademiccolleaguesitwasthattoofew of them could practically applywhat they taught. You can imaginewhattheythoughtofme,thisstrangeguywholikedtoridealongwithcopsandplayatjudoandkarateontheside!

Imighthave felt likea fishoutofwater inboth theacademicand the lawenforcementworldsifIhadn’tcomeupwiththecommunicationsystemthattiesthemtogether.

2

MotivatingtheDisagreeable

SOYOU’LLSEEthatI’mtryingtoteachyouwithyourownbestbenefitinmind,letmetellyoubrieflywhatI’vecometorealizeovertheyearsaboutteaching.Teaching is the process ofmoving people fromwhat they know towhat theydon’t know. And I’ve found the best way to teach a motivated student is toappealtohisconsciousnesswithaverysmallelementoflanguage,ametaphorandasimile,whichisunderstandabletohimsohecanunderstandwhatisbeingtaught.

Adry,boringteachertalksaboutwhatheknows,asifthestudentshouldhavea clue. The student makes no movement. He hears the teacher talking aboutsomething the teachermay knowwell, but unless that teacher compares it tosomething within the range of that student’s experience, little learning takesplace.

Attheotherendofthespectrum—andalsounacceptable—istheteacherwhomovesstudentsfromwhattheyknowtootherareastheyalreadyalsoknow.

I’d always been taught that a teacher masters his material, goes into theclassroom, and presents it. The teacher presents, the student receives. If thestudentdoesn’tgetit,hefails.Butthat’snotthewaytherealworldworks.Intherealworlda teacherhas toknowhisaudienceandstartwhere theyare, takingthemtowheretheyhaven’tbeen.

When you use Verbal Judo, you have an audience; you have someone onwhomyoupracticeVerbalJudo.Youraudiencemaynotbeaclassfullofkidsbutanofficefullofemployees.Maybeyou’redealingwithanaudienceofone:yourbossoryour spouse.Maybe it’sadifficult childora tough landlordoraproblemneighbor.Regardless,likethecoponthestreet,youhavetoreadyour

audience,knowyourprinciples—the toolswithwhich toaccomplishwhatyouwant in thesituation—thendecidewhichof themanymethodswillmakeyourprincipleseffecttheoutcomeyouwant.Oftenthebestwayofreadingyourtargetaudienceistoseethepersonthewayheseeshimself.Whichisthetrueessenceofempathy.

Then,usingthelanguageofyouraudience,youcanmakethestrangebecomefamiliar.AlbertEinsteinwasbrilliantat that.Hewouldsit inPrincetonSquareanduseballoonsandorangestoexplainthemostcomplicatedideas.CarlSagandoesmuchthesame.Great,profoundthinkersmustcommunicatesimply.Theyunderstandthecomplexities,but theymustmakethemsimplesoeveryonecanunderstand.

Forexample,you’ll seecasehistoriesherewhereacop is trying tocalmafrightened,potentiallyviolent troublemaker.Intheclassicmachoapproach, thecopwould challenge the guy: “Put that knife down or I’ll take you out! Youhaven’t got a chance. I’ll blow your head off,” things like that. That virtuallyforcesthemantoattack,todefendhismanhood,tosaveface.

Butwhatif thatcopgentlyempathizesandsays,“Hey,friend, let’sdoeachotherafavor.Youdon’twanttospendthenightdowntownwithus,eatingourfood,sleepingonoursteelcot,andmissingyourwoman.AndIdon’twanttositata typewriter foracoupleofhoursdoingpaperworkon this. Ifwecanworkthisout,youcanhavedinneratyourowntable,bewithyourwoman,andwakeupinyourownbedtomorrowmorning.AndIcangobackaboutmybusiness.”

You’llcometoseehowthisworks,howtheperpetratorbecomesanallywiththeofficertothebenefitofboth.Whathashappened?TheofficerhasmotivatedadisagreeablepersontoapointofVoluntaryCompliance—theultimategoalofVerbal Judo. If you can see how learning that skill would improve yourrelationships and your life, you’re amotivated studentwho has picked up therightbook.

3

BaptismofFire

MYBACKGROUND IS the strangestmixof thephysical and thecerebral that I’mawareof.I’mamiddle-agedjockwithachiponhisshoulderwhocouldjustaseasily scream in your face andwrestle you to the floor as smile and calm thesituationwithawell-chosenword.Don’tIsoundlikeanEnglishPh.D.?

I’m just like you. If I get cut off in traffic,my first impulse is revenge. Ifsomeonebarksatme,myfirstreactionis totakehisheadoff.Problemis, likemostsanepeople,I’dregretit.Ittookmeawhiletorealizethatanexpertontheart of Verbal Judo should be a man who needs it. Yeah, I do. It makes mechuckle to realizehowquickly I can shake a fist (or a digit) at another driverwhileonmywaytotheairporttoflysomewhereandteachmycourseonproperresponsestonegativesituations.

Istillsaythatmakesmetherightguyforthejob.ThesuccessofmyVerbalJudo Institute allows me to look back with gratitude—and not regret—on anupbringingthatmighthavemadeanotherguybitter.

Iwas theproductofasoldierandhiswifewhosemarriagesouredbefore Iturnedthree.MymothergaveaporterafewdollarsandaskedhimtowatchoutformeonaCalifornia-to-NewYorktrainridetomygrandparentsinIthaca,NewYork.

Irecallgrowingupprettymuchalone,walkingtheravinesasamountainboy.OneofthemostsignificantthingsthathappenedtomewashookingupwithanoldCherokeewhotaughtmetotrailandtrack.I.D.Swiftwaterfeltheowedmygrandfatheradebtofgratitudebecausemygrandfather(aCornellUniversitylawprofessor)whileastudentyearsbeforehaddonesomeprobono legalworkforhimandkepthimfromlosinghisfortyacres.So,Swiftwatertookmeunderhis

wingandIenjoyedtherareprivilegeoflearningIndianways.While being raised in the home of an Ivy League educator, where I read

widelyeverydayand learned to speakcorrectly, Iwasonebitterkid. I hadnoidea I was getting a most unusually well-rounded background, with mygrandparents’emphasisonschooling,thegenteelworldofhighereducation,andmyinclinationtowardathletics.Ifeltrejectedbymymotherandaburdentomygrandparents. From nursery school on, my records paint a picture of the realGeorgeThompson,thechildIrecognizeinsidemetoday:withahottemperandshortfuse,hastroublegettingalongwithothers,etc.,etc.,etc.

Twophilosophieswarredwithinme:Takenocrapfromanyone,andlookoutfornumberone.

I hated school. I was always challenging, always askingwhy, never doingwhat Iwas toldbeforedemandinga reason. Iwanted towinallarguments,allfights,allgames.Myrecordwasfullofdirepredictions.InhighschoolIwasastarathlete,anall-Americanswimmer,butstillIhadneverappliedmyselftomystudies.

Inthefallof1959,asIbeganmysenioryear,acounselortookmeaside,anoldwomanwhohadtriedeverythingtogetthroughtome.Shesaid,“Youmaybe some hotshot swimmer, but you’re going to be a benchsitter in life. Nocollegeisgoingtoacceptsomebodywithyourgrades,andyou’renevergoingtoamounttoanything.”

Isattheresullenlywaitingforthelecture,theremedy,thetypical“soyouhadbetterstartapplyingyourself,youngman”routine.Butitnevercame.Thatwasit. She was finished. She had pronounced judgment on me. They had triedeverything to get through to me. I was worthless and wouldn’t amount toanything,sobestofluck.

She’sprobablylongdeadnow,soI’llneverfindout,buttothisdayIdon’tknowifshewascunningenoughtoknowthatchallengingmelikethatwasmyonlyhope.Istormedoutoftheredeterminedtoshowher.

AndIdid.I became a straight A student overnight and was accepted at several

prestigiouscolleges.IchoseColgate,whereImajoredinEnglish.Istillhadanattitude,but Iwas learning to channelmyanger andaggressiveness intomoresociallyacceptablepursuits.Ienjoyedreadingandlearning,thinking,analyzing,anddiscussing.Upongraduation,Iwantedtoteach.WhenapositionopenedatPrinceton (New Jersey)High School, I went for it. I had no ideawhat I wasgettingintoorhowitwouldhelpshapemylife.

IwastoteachEnglishandreading,includingoneremedialclass.Noonetoldme that theprevious teacherhadbeenbeatenupand leftbleeding inhiscar. Ididn’tlearntilllaterthatawomanteachertheyearbeforehadbeendangledbyher ankles from the second-floor window. This was a class that chewed upteachersandspitthemout.

“Nonacademic general students,” thesewere seniors, anything but college-bound.Ithoughtthey’denjoytrue-lifeaction,soIgaveeachstudentacopyofabookonmenandwarcalledGodIsMyCo-Pilot.Itwas8:05inthemorning,andIwasnotquitetwenty-twoyearsold.

AminutelaterahugeblackkidnamedPetestoodandceremoniouslyrippedthepaperbackinhalf.“Iain’treadin’thiscrap,”hesaid,andletthepagesflutterto thefloor.Therestof thestudents,everyoneof them,immediatelyfollowedsuit.

Nowwhat?Iwasn’tgoingtobeabletobeatupthirtykids,muchasIwouldhavelikedto.AndifIsentthemtotheprincipal’sofficeIwouldexposemyselfasawimpydisciplinarian.Talkaboutmotivation!Ihadnoclue,notraining.Theclasslookedatmewithdefiance,asifdaringmetodoanything.

In sheer desperation I pointed to Pete and called him Jack. “What’s yourthing,Jack?”Isaid.

Heglaredandnarrowedhiseyes.“Huh?”“Whatdoyoudoforalivingthatmakesyougoodenoughtoripupaman’s

book?”“Mechanic,”hesaid.“Isthatright?”Isaid.“Anautomechanic?”Henodded.“Bestintown.”“Nokiddin’?WhatifItoldyouIdon’tbelieveawordyousaid?”“’Boutwhat?Iamamechanic.”“Aboutbeingthebestintown.”“Askanybody.”“Howaboutyouproveit?”“Likehow?”“Well,I’lltellyouwhat.Sinceyoudon’twanttoreadanybooks,you’reon

tomorrow.”“Onwhat?”“You’re the teacher,” I said. “Youbring a carburetor inhere and teach this

class.Ifyou’rethebest,yououghttobeabletoteachuswhatyoudo.”“Youkiddin’me?”

Istaredhimdown,shakingmyhead.“Yougotit,”hesaid.I should have been suspicious the next day when he showed up with a

carburetor—stilldrippinggas—wrappedinanewspaper.Itdidn’thitmewherehe’dgottenituntilIoverheardanotherteacherlaterinthedaycomplainingthatsomethingwasmissingfromhisengine.

Pete didn’t wait for an introduction. He strode to the front, toldme to sitdown,andploppedthecarburetoronthetable.“Everybodyshutup!”hesaid.

I never understood or caredmuch about auto mechanics until Pete began.Suddenly,inhisareaofexpertise,hewaseloquent.Hespokewithpassionandknowledge.Henotonlyknewhisstuff,buthewasalsoabletoexplainit.

AfterwardI toldhimhowwellhehaddoneandaskedwhatheknewaboutracecarcarburetion.“Idon’tknow,’ceptit’sdifferent.”

“Findoutandyou’llbeonagainnextmonth.”“Idon’thavenoracecarstoworkon.”“Idon’tcarewhereyoufindout.Trythelibrary.”Heswore.“Iain’tbeentonolibraryandIain’tgoin’tonolibrary.”“Idon’tcarewhereyougetyourinformation,butfindoutandteachus.”Iaskedanotherkid,whosaidhewasapoolplayer,todemonstrateforus.I

broughtinasmallpooltable,andthisguy,whowasflunkinghismathclasses,told us more about angles and drag and friction than I had ever known. Ichallenged him to study up on some of the great pool players for his secondpresentation.Oneofthegirlstalkedaboutherworkinalocalbakery.Oneofthehillkidstoldabouttrapping.

OnFridaysItalkedaboutmoralityandethicsanddemonstratedwhatIknewofthemartialartssothekidswouldknowwhowasreallyincharge.Forthefirstthirtyclassdays, Ididn’tdomuchofanythingbut listen to thekids talkaboutwhattheyenjoyedthemost.

When it was Pete’s turn again, he showed up with note cards. I had saidnothingaboutnotecards.“Whatareyoudoingwiththose?”

“Thatladyinthelibrarysaidtheywouldhelpmypresentation,”hesaid.“Youknowtheygotawholesectiononautomotivedownthere?Nowyouwantmetoteachorwhat?”

Eventually,eachstudent taught twice.Meanwhile, Iwasorderingbooksontheirareasofinterest.Soontheywerereadingandwriting,twothingsIhadsaidlittleabout.Petebegancarryingaroundapocketdictionary,badgeringmeaboutanywordhedidn’trecognize.HewoundupgoingtoCentralStateinOhio.

Toomanypeoplewho teachhaveno ideaof theprincipleof teaching.Thegoalofeducation is toexpand themind.Aperson’smindcannotbeexpandedunlessheor she ismotivated.There aremanyways tomotivate aperson, butthereisonlyoneunderlyingprinciple:raiseexpectations.

Almostwithoutknowingit,Iraisedtheexpectationsofthosestudents.Theysawthemselvesaslosers,unmotivated,uncaring.Whentheywerechallengedtodosomething,toshowofftheirexpertise,theygainedconfidenceandwereevenmotivatedtoexpand,tolearnsomethingmore.Theirexpectationsofthemselveshadbeenraised.

Besidethat,IwasalsolearningthingsaboutteachingIhadneverbeentaughtin the classroom. Admittedly, much of it was theoretical and perhaps evenesoteric,butitwaseye-openingforme.Iwaslearningthatwhiletheremaybehundredsofways togetsomethingdone—for instance,motivatingastudent—there was but one underlying principle: raise his or her expectations. Later Iwouldapplythat“hundredsofwaysbutjustoneprinciple”tomychosenareaofexpertise: Verbal Judo. For instance, there are hundreds of ways to calmsomeonedown,butifyouknowtheoneunderlyingprinciple,“theonehopingtodo the calming must project empathy,” you can decide, case by case, whichmethodbestfitstheprincipleforthepersoninquestion.

I’ll get into all those principles and how to best implement them, but mypointhere is toshowhowmyteachingconsciousnesswasborn.ThoughIwasbarelyawareofitatthetime,mymostdifficult,mostchallengingclassroomfullofrebelstaughtmemoreaboutteachingandcommunicatingthanIwouldlearnuntilIbecameacop.

4

TakingCrapwithDignity...andStyle

THEKIDSIN thatremedialreadingclasswerepartofwhatIcall theGreatWhyWay.Ifyouhavechildren,youwillgoorhavegonethroughthisstage.Itbeginsasearlyasageelevenandsometimesneverends.Thatkidyouusedtobeabletoadvise and coach and direct suddenly becomes a Why Guy. He or she hasbecome just like the street lizards the beat cops encounter every day. Theyquestion every statement, every command, even every suggestion. “May I seeyour license, please?”may sound like a perfectly legitimate request to you orme,butthere’salwayssomeonewhoreactsnotwith“Sure,hereitis,”butwith“Why?What’dIdo?”

Societyisfullofthesepeople,fromyourteenagertoyourspouse,yourclient,your subordinate,yourneighbor. (There ismoreon these typesofpeople, andothers,inthenextchapter.)Weareforcedtobecomepersuaders,andnooneistrained inpersuasion.Untilnow.That’smygoal. Iwant toexpandyourmind,andsoIneedyoumotivated.Thefact thatyou’restill reading isan indicationthatyouhaveadesireandacertainexpectation.I’mtellingyou,ifIcandothis,youcandoit.IfIcanbecomeapractitionerofVerbalJudo,anyonecan.Ifthatraises your expectation, makes you believe you can learn and improve yourskillsandthussucceed,you’reamotivatedstudent.

THEGENTLEWAY

VerbalJudobeginswithahabitofmind.InJapanese,jumeans“gentle”anddomeans“way,”thusjudomeans“thegentleway.”Thatdefinitionisasurpriseto

many who assume that the meaning of words like judo and karate mustnecessarilybewarlikeandaggressive.Evenkarate,which iswidelyassociatedwith B movies full of violence and mayhem and all manner of death blows,literallymeans“openhand”or“emptyhand.”Themartialartsareself-defensetechniques,notkillmechanisms.

AsyoulearnVerbalJudo(thegentlewayofpersuasion)throughaseriesofabsolute principles, you’ll form new habits of mind that will guide you tobecomingaconsciouslycompetentspeaker.You’lldiscoverthatit’spossibletohaveagoodcommunicationdayeveryday.

Though I have carefully studied this for years and will present to youeverything I know about it with all my educational principles in mind, itprobably won’t seem natural to you at first. That’s because truly enlightenedcommunicationdoesnot comenaturally to anyone, at leastnot to anyone I’veevermet. (Ofcourse, InevermetGandhi.)Thus, I alwayswarnpeople inmyclasses, “Never use words that rise readily to your lips, or you’ll make thegreatestspeechyou’lleverlivetoregret.”

Remember that glib phrase George Bush was so fond of during his 1988campaign?“Readmylips:nonewtaxes”seemedtojustrolloffhislips.Itmaybethegreatestspeechhelivedtoregret.

BecauseIteachyoutobecarefulofthewordsthatriseautomaticallytoyourlips,theVerbalJudothatyousubstitutewillinitiallyfeelforeigntoyou.Butasyougradually learnnewthinkinghabitsandcorresponding language, theywilleventuallyfeelcomfortableandbecomeautomatic.Asyoulearntochooseanddeliver your words for maximum effectiveness, you’ll enjoy benefits beyondmerelyimprovedcommunication.

You’llfindthatyoucanremaincalm,whichisaparticularlyvaluableart.Ifyourantagonistcanupsetyou,heownsyouatsomelevel.Evenifyouscoreanimmediate “victory” by telling him off, he may own you later when theencounterisevaluatedbyyourboss,incourt,byyourfamily,orwherever.

Cops often learn this the hard way.What they thought was a good arrestFridaynightmightbeworthlessincourtMondaymorningbecauseofsomethingtheydidorsaid.You’llgetplentyofgoodandbadexamplesaswegoon.

AsastudentofVerbalJudo,you’llalsolearnhowtotalkwithpeopleinsucha way that neither of you loses face. This is crucial because personal face isalways a fighting issue, whether the conflict occurs on the street or in theboardroom,incourtorinthebedroom.

You’ll also discover surprisingly simple phrases that establish immediate

empathy. And you’ll recognize conflict as a gift, a communication game thathelpsyoulearntomasteryourself.

You’llsoonbeabletousewordsthatimmediatelyestablishyourcredibilitywithstrangers.Withfriends,family,andassociates,you’llknowwhattosaytostrengthen relationships—especially when those bonds are under pressure.You’llevenlearntotalksmoothlytopeoplewithwhomyoutotallydisagree.

With Verbal Judo you will learn to get what you want by using the dualpowers of mind-set and words. In essence, you can become a master ofcommunication, both internal and external. This is no small accomplishment.Verbal Judowill allowyou to fulfill your dreams andwisheswithout creatingstress,frustration,orconflict.

In the meantime, you’ll never again mentally beat up on yourself bymoaning,“Whydidn’tIkeepmybigmouthshut?”

THESUCKERPUNCHESOFLIFE

Thesecretaryhabituallyliesandsaysthebossisinameetingandcan’ttakeyourcall.Theyouthfulput-downartistadvisesyouto“chilloutandgetalife.”Thealleged friend suggests, “We’ve got to get together for lunch,” but is alwaysbookedwhenyoutry.

Welcometosomeofthestandardsuckerpunchesoflife.Andthisisthelittlestuff!Aswithcops,themostdangerousweaponyoucarryisacockedtongue.Itcanfireoffasentencethatwillstallorevenruinyourcareer.Itcanstartafightinthestreet(andIhavethescarstoproveit).Itcansendyoutodivorcecourt(andIhavethosescarstoo).

Whileyourbodycanusually recover fromphysicalblows, thebadnews isthatemotionalwoundsinflictedbywordsare likelytoremaininyourmemoryforever.

Thegoodnewsisthatwithtraining,youcanlearntotakecrapwithdignityandstyle.Fewofuscanclaimthatthereisn’tanysuchgarbagecomingourway.Thequestionisnotwhethersuchattackswillcome,buthowyouwilldealwiththem.Areyougoingtohandlethemwithgraceandease,feelingintheendthateveryonebenefited?Orwillyoucomeawayfeelinglikeawimp,abully,aloser,anidiot—oralloftheabove?

If you learn to take taunts or criticism effectively, youwon’t even have toworryaboutotherVerbalJudotechniques,suchasdeflecting.Whilesuchskills

are important and good, they aren’t always necessary. With practice you canlearntotakeinsultswithsomuchfinesseandpanachethattheyeitherdisappearornevertouchyou.

AstheConfucianphilosopherSun-tzuputit,“Towinonehundredvictoriesin one hundred battles is not the highest skill. To subdue the enemy withoutfightingisthehighestskill.”

Amodernexampleofthissurfacedinthe1990TexasgubernatorialcampaignofClaytonW.Williams,Jr. InTexas thewordbubba isageneric termusedtodescriberedneckgoodol’boys,andWilliamswasaccusedofpandering to thebubbavote.Ratherthanarguethepoint,hegleefullyresponded,“Iambubba!”Thatapproachturnedthetideandalmostwonhimtheelection.

The first step in learning todealwithverbalattacks is toacknowledge thatcrap isbeing flung.Thesecondstep is toadmit it isbeing flungatyou.Thencongratulate yourself. It’s okay to be questioned, heckled, or even attacked. Ifyou arewilling to take it, you should be commended. The onlyway to avoidcriticismiseither toliveinacapsuleorspendyourwholelife tryingtopleaseeveryone. That means playing it safe, surrounding yourself with sycophants,takingfewresponsibilities,anddoingwhatotherpeopletellyoutodo.

Themomentyouhaveanideaandtrytopersuadeotherstomoveinconcertwithyou,youhaveinviteddisagreement.Themoreintenselyyoulive,themoreyou choose to make a difference in the world, the more you create vital, asopposed to insipid, relationships, then the more open you are to whacks andbumpsandbruises.That’stheonlypathtohonest,bottom-linecommunication.

Whowins the highest office in a democratic society? It’s the onewho hasmade a career of attracting verbal abuse, deflecting it, and surviving in thebiggestcrap-takingbusinessofall:politics.

Wantatasteofthat?Getyourselfappointedtoanycommitteewhosejobitisto improve the status quo. Eventually you’ll meet dissension and resistancebecausemostpeopleopposechange.Theywillfighttokeepthingsthewaytheyare.

It isn’t just politicians and do-gooderswho need advanced communicationskills. Professionals such as law enforcement officers, teachers, health careproviders,salespeople,servicepersonnel—typicalgroupsIaminvitedtotrain—arelearninghowtousewordstogetwhattheyneedfromothers.

Peopleinthesegroupstakeverbalabuseforaliving,andallofusdoatonetime or another. Parents certainly do. And so do students, homemakers,everybody.Thekeythenistolearnhowtoavoidtumbling,orhowtofallwith

gracewithoutgettinghurt.Youwill be attacked; there’s little questionof that.Therealquestioniswhetheryou’llbecomeastronger,moreflexiblepersonorbecomemoreofawimp.

Evenasanexpert inthisarea,Ifacethetemptationtofall intothetrapsallthe time.Recently Iwasdriving tomyoffice inAlbuquerquewhenakidwholookedtobeaboutseventeendrovepastmeasIenteredtheparkinglotandjustmissedsideswipingmynewpickup.Iwasfurious.Whenhegotoutofhiscar,Igrowled,“Where’dyoulearntodrive?”

Helookedatmecalmlyandannounced,“Texas!”Thenhedisappeared.By the time I got into my office I realized I had met an unconscious

competent.Hewas amaster ofVerbal Judo and didn’t even know it.He hadstoppedmewithoneword.Hadhe turnedonmeandmatchedmytonewitha“What’sittoyou,youSOB?”we’dhavesoonbeeninashoutingmatchandwhoknowswhatelse?Threetimeshisage,twicehissize,andtrainedinmartialartsandpolicetactics,Icouldhaveseriouslyinjuredhimandruinedmylife.

Buthehadn’tevenappearedupsetwhenIyelledathim.Notonlydidhenotseemtomindtheattack,buthealsoappearedtoenjoyit.

That’s how ancient samurai warriors viewed their battles. They lived forthem.Theyweretrainedtoseewarfareasajoyandconflict,asasignthattheyweredrawingmoreenergy.The issue for themwasnotwinningor losing—orevenlivingordying.Theissuewasbravelyengaging,fightingwithgreatstyle,learningfromtheencounter.Andbecausethewarriorswelcomedwarfare, theywere less likely to be tensewhile engaged in it, less likely to shut down andforgettheirtraining.

Clayton “Iam bubba”Williams and the reckless teenage driver shared anease about confrontation. They were loose enough to respond with a simple,truthful answer that stopped their detractors cold. Williams did it with threewords.Theteenflattenedmewithone.

The secret is simple: It’s okay if someone insults, resists, or attacks you.Laughitoff.Showthatithasnomeaning,nosting.Ifyoufightbackandresistthe affront, you give it life and credibility. If you defend yourself, you invitecounterattack.

LookwhathappenedwhenRichardNixondeclared,“Iamnotacrook.” If,instead of lying or defending himself, he had early onmerrily told the truth,without anger or defensiveness or sarcasm, he might actually have survivedpolitically.Imagineifhehadsaid,“Wegotcaught inastupidmoveandwe’regoingtomakeitright.”

When I train cops around the country I find that black officers are usuallymoreadeptatlettinginsultsrolloffthem.Why?Probablybecausetheyhavehadto survive in a world that constantly attacks them. Many of them grew upplayingagamecalledDozens.

Dozensteacheskidstohandleverbalabuse.Theylearnloosenessandagilityin conversational play. The worst taunts imaginable, usually insults of eachother’smothers, are hurled back and forth. “Yo’mama so stupid, she heard itwaschillyoutside,soshebroughtoutabowl!”“Ohyeah?Well,yo’mamasooldshewasbornbeforeslavery!”SometimesashorthandversionofDozensis thesimpleinsultingphrase,“Yo’mama!”

Whathappensisthatoneplayerfinallytakesitpersonallyandreactsinanger.Helosesfaceandlosescredibility.Healsolosesthegameandislaughedat.ByplayingDozensagainandagain,ablackkideventuallycatchesonthatanattackcarriesonlytheweightheallowsitto.Helearnsthatifhemakesnobigdealofeven an insult to hismother there’s no incentive for anyone to keep insultinghim.Hehaslearnedtoeffortlessly,eloquently,andeffectivelydisarmthecockedtongue.

5

TheNice,theDifficult,andtheWimp

SOMENATIVEAMERICANS,primarilytheSiouxandtheNavaho,willlookyouintheeyeunderonlytwoconditions:Eithertheyhappentobeyourbloodbrotheror sister (highly unlikely) or they’remeasuring you for the kill. OtherNativeAmericans see ahandshakeas a signofdeference, and thuswill offer aweakopenhandandcloseitgently,consideringthevigorousgrippingofahandasasignofaggressionandsuperiority.ManyHispanicsaretaughtnottoevenglancedirectlyintopeople’seyes,anactconsideredbyseveralculturesassnoopingonthe soul.ManyAsians still observe the gesture of looking at one’s shoes as asignofrespect.

As our society becomes more culturally diverse, whites are quickly beingdisplaced as a majority. There is a rising chorus of minority voices and anincalculablenumberofinterculturaldo’sanddon’t’stobelearned.

TocalmsomeonebroughtupintheWesternworld,mostpeopleknowtogetoutta his face and outta his space. Back off, give him some room. Yet whendealing with someone from the Middle East, say, an Egyptian or a Iranian,backing away from him would be the equivalent of telling Jewish AmericanPrincess jokes at the local synagogue.Moving away from aMiddleEasternertells him he is unworthy of your respect. Better to move closer, to speakreassuringly, totellhim,“It’sgoingtobeallright.”Evenaslight touchontheshoulderwilldowonders.

Howdowekeeptrackofallthis?Movein?Stepback?Lookapersonintheeye?Lookathisfeet?Itcouldmakeyoucrazy.

In Southern California they’ve got a real challenge. In Garden Grove, amedium-sized city about fiftymiles south ofLosAngeles, at least thirty-three

different languages represent more than one hundred distinct cultures.Shopkeepers,gasstationattendants,anybodywhodealswiththepublic,hastoroutinelydealwithallthesegroups.

I’vewarnedcopsthatiftheyserveevenaminorfelonywarrantinaThaiorLaotian home they’ve got to be extremely careful not to step or stand on thethreshold.Inthosehomesthespiritsofdepartedancestorsarebelievedtoresidein thecracksof the threshold,andsomeonesteppingor standingon thatcrackgives the resident the right to slap the offender upside the head. If you don’tknowthelocalcustomsandsuperstitionssomewhere,it’sbettertopolitelyask,“MayIcomein?MayIstandhere?DoyoumindifI...?”

I don’t even attempt to train people in the subtleties of handling all thedifferent peoples in the world. That would be virtually impossible. You’ll behappy to know that there is a far simplermethod for effectively dealingwithpeople.All youneedknow is that there are three basic types of people in theworld, and each should be handled differently. These types cut across allcultures,races,nationalities,ages,andsexes.

ThereareNicePeople,DifficultPeople,andWimps.Ifyou’reinapositionofauthority,NicePeoplewilldowhatyouaskthemto

dothefirsttimeyouaskthem.Theyliketocooperate.TellaNiceChildtopickup his belongings, and he’ll do it, probably right away. Tell aNice Person tosendinapayment,andthemoneyarrivesontime.

NicePeopledon’tshaketheirfingersintheboss’sface.Theydon’tcomplaintohotelmanagersthattheirroomistooclosetotheelevatorornotcloseenough.They don’t send food back to the kitchen if it arrives slightly over orundercooked.

My grandfather was a Nice Person. If he was stopped by a cop, he’d doexactlywhathewastold,automatically,evenifthecopwasnastyaboutit.Asanattorney,hebelieved in the lawmore thanhecaredaboutaparticularofficer’sexecution of it.Mygrandfatherwould never give a cop any trouble, let aloneanyoneelse.Heconsidered itmoreegregious tomakea scene than tomakeapoint.

NicePeopleoftenhave such ahard time sayingnoor stickingup for theirrightsthatentirebookshavebeenwrittenaboutthem,suchasCo-DependentNoMore,TheDoormatSyndrome,andWomenWhoLoveTooMuch.

NicePeoplearenotyourproblem,butit’sstillwisetotreatthemasifthey’reimportant.Ifyoudon’ttreatthemwell,theymaydowhatyouwantbutwillfeelrotten about it. You’ll lose credibility with them and gradually they’ll stop

supportingyou.Besides, justbecause theyarecooperative isnoreasonto takeadvantageofthemortakethemforgranted.Treatingthemwithrespectisrightbecauseit’sright.Sofewpeoplearecooperativethatyouhavetocultivateandcherishtheoneswhoare.

Idon’tfitintheNicePeoplecategory.Maybeyoudon’teither.IhappentobeoneoftheDifficultPeople.BydefinitionDifficultPeoplewillnotdowhatyoutell them the first timeyouask. It doesn’tmatter howdiplomaticyouare. It’ssimplynotintheirnaturetosay,“Ohyes.”Theirnaturemakesthemsay,“Why?Whatfor?”DifficultPeopleareaseagertoargueapointasNicePeoplearetocooperate.

Difficult People are also often persnickety. Theywould have no hesitationabout interviewing a teacher before they decidedwhether to enroll in a class.Theythinknothingofinsistingthatamerchantpayshippingonanitemthatwasoutofstockwhentheyvisitedthestore.

RememberMeg Ryan’s Sally to Billy Crystal’s Harry in the movieWhenHarryMetSally?WhenHarryordershismeal,he says,“I’llhave thenumberthree.”Sallysays,“I’dlikethechef’ssalad,please,withoilandvinegaronthesideandapplepieàlamode.ButI’dlikethepieheatedandIdon’twanttheicecreamontop.Ifnot,thennoicecream,justwhippedcream,butonlyifit’sreal.Ifit’soutofacan,thennothing.”

“Noteventhepie?”asksthewaitress.“No,”saysSally,“justthepiebutthennotheated.”You can be sure that if the waitress had told Sally it was impossible to

substitutestrawberryforvanilla,Sallywouldhavewantedtoknowwhy.Thewordwhythrowspeopleoff,especiallythosenotaccustomedtohaving

theirorderschallenged.WhenIfirstwentonthestreetsasacop,thewordreallyirritatedme.ItseemeditwasallIheard.

“Stepoverhereaminuteplease,sir.”“Why?What’dIdo?”“MayIseeyourdriver’slicense?”“Why?”InthosedaysIbarked,“BecauseIaskedforit,”actingpompousandinviting

atoughtime.GraduallyI learnedthatwhy is thebottomlineinAmerica.That littleword

can be one of the most powerfully destructive or constructive words in anylanguage.It istheHoratioAlgerquestionthatbuilt thiscountryandtoredowntheBerlinWall.Thirtyyearsofthecoldwardidn’tdothat.Itwasthewordwhy.

TheSovietUniondisintegratedwhentheRussianrepublicsbeganasking,“WhyshouldwetakeourordersfromMoscow?”Whyisthewordthatcreatedeverythingfromlunarlandingstodrive-through

hamburgerjoints.Itisthewordthatirritatesparentsmorethananyother,butitalsoisasignthatchildrenaregrowingupandmaturing.

“Why?” is themostAmericanquestion there is.Thesecondand thirdmostAmericanquestions—andsure to infuriate—are“Whodoyou thinkyouare totellmewhattodo?”and“Wheredoyougetyourauthority?”

Thefourthall-American inquiry,which, ifyoucananswer it,willhelpyoudealwiththefirstthree,is“What’sinitforme?”

When Difficult People challenge your authority, it is usually pointless toexplainwhyyou’veaskedthemtodosomething.Theymaynotevencare thatyou are authorized to make your request. They may not even care about theconsequencesoffailingtoobey.Buttheyarealwaysinterestedinhowthedealmightbenefitthem.WhenIwantvoluntarycompliancefromaDifficultPerson,I explain early onwhat’s in it for him.As clearly and specifically as I can, Ishowhimwhathehastogain.Onlywhenthatdoesn’tworkwillItellhimwhathestandstolose.

Withkidsitmaybeusefultoinformthemthatiftheykeeptheirroomcleanevery day they will be entitled to a long session of unsupervised Nintendomadness.Ifthat’snotenoughincentive,remindthemtheywillforfeitthesameprivilegeiftheyinsistonlivinginapigsty.

Thefirstprincipleofphysicaljudoistonotresistyouropponent.Instead,movewithhimandredirecthisenergy.Ignoringordismissingaquestionisthesameas resisting it. InVerbal Judoyoudo not try to shut out pesky questioning ofyourauthority,reasons,ormethods.It’simportanttoalwaysanswer,ratherthandismissthequestionwhensomeoneaskswhy.

Instead, leap into those questions, turn them into outrageous opportunities.See questions as invitations to explain yourself, to tell what you do, to fillsomeone in on your views.Here’s the chance to educate a person, towin hisrespect,andprovidehimwithdeeperunderstandingsohewon’tgoawayangry.

Saya librarypatrondemands toknowwhycitizenshave topay late-returnpenaltiesonmaterialsthatarepublicproperty.Thelibrariancouldsnapthatsuchpenalties aremeant to discourage tardiness and discourtesy and thus keep thematerials available to awider range of people. But that tonewould insult thepatron.Howmuchbetter to calmlyexplainwith a smile that the finespay for

videotapes, lecture programs, books, periodicals, and many other wonderfulthingsthepatronsenjoywithoutcharge.

IstoppedbeingirritatedatDifficultPeopleasking“Why?”allthetimewhenI realized that I amone of them.They’remy kind of people!When someonesays,“No,that’swrong.Youcan’tdothattome.Whatgivesyoutherighttotellmewhattodo?”Igetinterested.That’sachallenge.IactuallyenjoyitnowwhenDifficultPeoplelookmeintheeyeandsay,“WhydoIhavetodothat?”Itgivesmetheopportunitytoexplainwhyit’sintheirbestinteresttocomply.

DifficultPeoplebuiltthiscountry.Weneedtoallowroominoursystemforthem and their questions. If you can carry this mind-set with you, one thatappreciatesotherpeople’ssenseofdignityandself-worth,curiosityandhealthysuspicion,you’llneverbeupsetbypeoplewhoinitiallychallengeyourauthority.You’ll never back away from fussbudgets who nag you to do somethingespeciallyforthemwhenit’snotinyourrepertoireofservices.You’llnevergohomewithaknotinyourstomachbecauseyouwereaskedtoexplainthereasonsforwhatyoudidordidn’tdo.

There’sabigpayoffinallthis:WhenyoushiftfromresistingtoappreciatingandevenwelcomingDifficultPeople,thingsbecomeinterestingandlesstense.

The toughest bird of all is theWimp.Wimps are the oneswho sound likeNicePeoplebutareclosetDifficultPeople.Toyourfacetheysay,“Ohyes,”“Iagree,”“You’reright.”Theymayevencomplimentyouonyourwords,ideas,oreven clothes. They’ve got the courtesy rap down cold. But later they get youback,intheback,baby.

Thesebackstabbersarecustomersorcolleagueswhoactfriendlyandpretendalliswellwithyourrelationship.Thentheybitchaboutyoutoyourboss,totheirfriends,andtoanyoneelsewho’ll listen(andwhodoesn’t lovetolistentobadmouthing?).Thesearethepeoplewhowillfilelawsuitsandhirealawyertodotheirfightingforthem.Ifyou’veeverhadacomplaintthattookyoubysurprise,youcanbetitcamefromaWimp,someonewhodidn’thavethegutstotellyoutoyour face thathehadaproblem.Generallyyoucanassume thatyoudidn’thandle the Wimp properly when you first encountered him or you didn’trecognize him as a Wimp and see the grievance coming. Admittedly, mostWimpsaregoodatWimpdom,makingthemhardtodetect.

Wimpsdonot likeauthority.Theyhatebeingtoldwhat todo.Ontheotherhand,theydon’thavethegutstochallengeyou.Wimpswantrevenge.Theyfeeltheneedtoeventhescore.Thesearetheoneswhosnipefromthecorner,sittinginmeetingsandmakingdisparagingremarksjustloudenoughtobeheardbya

fewandgeneratelaughsofderision.I frequently faceWimps inmyclasses,yesevenamongcops. Ihavefound

thebestwaytodealwiththemistostripthemoftheircamouflage.NothonestenoughtobestraightforwardDifficultPeople—whoaremucheasiertodealwith—Wimpsusuallywanttohidebehindotherpeople.Oftentheysitinthebackofaroomoragainstthewallornearapillarorpost.

WhenI’mteachingVerbalJudoandIhearpeoplemutter,“That’sabunchofgarbage,”Idon’tletitpass.

Isay,“Excuseme,whatwasthatyousaid?I’dliketoknow.”Whentheytrytowavemeofforlaughitaway,Ipersist.“No,tellmesoIcanspeaktoit.”

TheWimphasbeenstrippedofhiscoverandnowhehastoputuporshutup.Nowhecaneithermakealegitimatepoint,askaquestion,orshutup.Andifheshutsuphehaslostcredibilitywithhispeers.Ifnothingelse,thateliminatesthesniping.

Manythinkit’sbesttoignoreWimps,butthat’sjustanotherformofresistingthem. Ignored or resisted, they grow stronger. The basic principle here is toconfrontthemhonestly.Theyimmediatelyweaken.

Resisttheurgetogossipaboutthesepeopleorsnipebackatthem.ThoseareWimptechniques,andtheyareoftenbetteratthemthanyouare,unlessyoutooareaWimp.

Outsideofmytrainingsessions,inprivate,I’mevenmoredirectwithWimps.NoticethatwhenI’mflushingthemoutoftheircoverintheclasssettingI’mnotembarrassingthem.I’mlettingthemembarrassthemselves.Iftheyhaveagoodpointorsomethingconstructivetosayorask,theycan.Ihaven’tputthemdownorchallengedthem.I’vemerelycourteouslyaskedthemtorepeattheircommentor question because I missed it. Privately, however, I might be morestraightforward. “I understand what you’re doing,” I’ll say. “If you continue,we’regoingtohaveaproblem.Iwon’tputupwiththis.”

The pure Wimp, true to form, will immediately back down and evenapologize.Istillwatchthemlikehawks,however.

Exposure is totallyunsettling toWimps.Onceyou’veblown their chicken-heartedcovers,byandlargetheywillleaveyoualone.They’lleitherrealizethattheir tactics don’tworkwith you andgive up, or they’ll find someone else tobother.

LearningtoidentifyanddistinguishtheNice,theDifficult,andtheWimpisabasicfirststepinyourjourneyofmasteringVerbalJudo.

6

ElevenThingsNevertoSaytoAnyone(AndHowtoRespondIfSomeIdiotSaysThemto

You)

1.“COMEHERE!”

Ironically,thiscommandactuallymeans“Goaway,”especiallywhensaidbyanintimidating authority figure. Many street people automatically translate thephraseas“Runlikethedevil!”

Toyouandme,“Comehere!” isvaguely threatening. It says,“Youhaven’tobeyedme,sonowI’morderingyoutomovewhenIwantyoutomove.”

Ilearnedinpoliceworkthatit’smuchmoreeffectivetocasuallyapproachaperson and say, “Excuseme, but I need to chat with you a second,” or even“CouldIchatwithyouasecond?”Igavetheotherpartythefeelingthathehadsomechoice,butmyimplicationwasclear.

It’s best to control the location for such encounters. Samurai warriorscautioned their students tonever letanopponentpick the fighting terrain.Thereasonwassimple:Thosewhodidn’tchoosefoundthemselveswiththesunintheireyesand/oronlooseground.

Ifsomeonewithnoauthorityordersyouto“Comehere!”anddoesn’tseemtohave legitimate reasons, ask, “Why? If you don’t get a satisfactory answer,becomeastreetpersonandrunlikethedevil.

2.“YOUWOULDN’TUNDERSTAND.”

Idon’tknowaboutyou,butIfindthisphrasesoinsultingthatIcanalmosthearthecommaandthen“stupid”impliedattheend.Nomatterwhothisissaidto,itputs the listener off. Better to say, “This might be difficult to understand,but...”or“Letmetrytoexplainthis...”

There’s no harm in warning people that what you’re about to say iscomplicatedandthatit’sokayiftheydon’tgetitatfirst.Youcanevenputtheonusonyourself:“IhopeIcanexplainthis...”Justdon’tprejudgetheirabilitytocomprehend.Andcertainlydon’twhiptheminadvanceforwhatmaybeyourfailuretocommunicate.

Ifyou’rebeingpressedtorevealsomethingyoudon’twanttoreveal,avoidtheconvenientliethatthepersonwouldn’tunderstand.Justsay,“I’drathernotanswerthat,”orthemoreemphatic,“I’mnotwillingtoanswerthat.”

If someone brushes you offwith “Youwouldn’t understand,” insist, “Yes Iwould.Tryme.Iwanttohelp.”

3.“BECAUSETHOSEARETHERULES.”

That phrasewouldmake just about anybodywant to throw up. But if you’reenforcingrulesthatexistforgoodreasons,don’thesitatetoexplainthem.Youraudience might not agree, but at least they will have been honored with ananswer.Forinstance,ifyoutellchildrentheyhavetogotobedatacertaintimeandtheydemandtoknowwhy,explainthattheywillbelesscrankyandabletohavemorefunthenextdayiftheygetadequatesleep.Tellthemthatyouneedtheir help in doing your job as a parent. “It’s my responsibility to bring uphealthy,happykids.Youdoyourpart,andI’lldomine.”

If you fall back on “Because those are the rules,” you’ll be judged aninsensitive,uncaringoaf.Itwillappearyouaremoreconcernedwithyourownauthoritythanwiththeotherperson’swelfare.Youmaybetold,“Sowhat?Therulesarewrong.”

Ifallyoucandoistorepeatthat“rulesarerulesandthosearetherules,”yourlistener knows you’re weak and can’t support your order with logic. Whenyou’re desperate you’ll find yourself saying, “I don’t have to explain; I’m theboss [mother, father, authority, onegiving theorders].”But if youcanput therulesorpoliciesincontextandexplainhowtheycontributetoeveryone’swell-being, you not only help people understand, you help them save face. Andyou’realsomuchmorelikelytogainvoluntarycompliance.

Should someone—whohasn’t had the good fortune to read this book—tell

you“Becausethosearetherules,”say,“Couldyoupleasetellmewhythisrulewascreated?Itdoesn’tmakesensetome,andifyoucouldhelpmeunderstandwhyitwasmade,itwouldbemucheasierformetofollow.”

4.“IT’SNONEOFYOURBUSINESS.”

Hereistheslam-dunkofverbalabuse.It’susuallysaidbyafrustratedparent,butit’soccasionallyheardamongfriends too.Thephraseangerspeoplebecause itbrands them as outsiders and brusquely cuts them off. It also exposes you assomeonewhodoesn’thaveagoodreasonforansweringthequestion.Itmakesitseemthatyouhavenopowerbehindyourposition.

Ratherthansaying,“It’snoneofyourbusiness,”explainwhytheinformationcannot be revealed. You can usually do thiswithout revealingmore than youwantto.Ifit’saconfidentialmatter,saywhy.Forinstance,“Thepartiesinvolvedwouldnotwantmetosayanythingwithouttheirknowledgeorpermission,andIwanttohonorthat—youunderstand.”

If you’re simplyuncomfortable revealing something, just admit that, ratherthan making the other person feel like a jerk. Telling him it’s none of hisbusiness leads only to conflict. Have you ever heard someone reply, “You’reright. It’s none of my business and I shouldn’t have asked”? No, he usuallyreactsangrilyandkeepsbadgeringuntilyoublurtoutsomethingyoushouldn’thave.

If someone barks at you that something is none of your business, and youdisagree,gentlybutfirmlypointout,“Itismybusiness,andhere’swhy.”

5.“WHATDOYOUWANTMETODOABOUTIT?”

Whatacop-out!Thepseudoquestion,almostalwaysaccompaniedbysarcasm,is seenasanevasionof responsibility. It’salsoa sign thatyou’reexasperated.It’softensaidbyuntrainedsalesclerks in response tocomplaints,but it’salsoheardamongfriends,spouses,andco-workersattheendsoftheirropes.

Whenyousay“Whatdoyouwantmetodoaboutit?”youcancountontwoproblems:theoneyoustartedwithandtheoneyoujustcreatedbyappearingtoduckresponsibility.

Rather,offer tohelp sortout theproblemandwork towarda solution. If ittruly is not in your area of responsibility, point the complainer to the right

departmentorperson.Ifyou’reunableorunqualifiedtoassistandyouhaven’tacluehowtohelptheperson,nicelysaysoandapologize.Youdidn’tdoanythingwrong, but an apology almost alwaysgains you an instant ally.Noonewantsyoutofeelbadforsomethingthat’snotyourfault.

Say, “I’m sorry. I really don’t know what to tell you or what else torecommend,andIwishIdid.I’dliketohelp,butIcan’t.”Aconcernedtonewillenhanceyourcredibilityandconveythatyou’renotsecretly just tryingtopassthebuck.

If someone asks you “What do you want me to do about it?” start byexplaining, “I want you to listen to me and help me.” Then politely explainexactlyhowthepersoncanhelp.

6.“CALMDOWN!”

I have a lot of fun with this intrinsically contradictory command, in myseminars, especially with police officers but also with service personnel. IscrunchupmyfaceintoameangrimaceandaskthemhowcalmingitiswhenIsay(shoutingnow),“Calmdown!”

Thecommandflatoutdoesn’twork.Infact, italmostalwaysmakespeoplemoreupset.Ifyou’veevertriedthisonyourfriendsorfamily,youknow.“Calmdown!”iscriticismofpeople’sbehaviorandimpliesthattheyhavenorighttobeupset.Rather than reassuring them that thingswill improve—which shouldbeyourgoal—youhavecreatedanewproblem.Notonly is there thematter theywereupset about to beginwith, but now theyneed to defend their reaction toyou.

Rather,putonacalmfaceanddemeanor, look theperson in theeye, touchhimgentlyifappropriate,andsay,“It’sgoingtobeallright.Talktome.What’sthetrouble?”

Ifsomeonesays“Calmdown!” toyou, say,“Look, I’mobviouslynotcalmandtherearereasonsforit.Let’stalkaboutthem.”Thatshouldopenthedoorforthatpersontohelp,butifhedoesn’trespondinamoremeaningfulway,furtherdiscussion is probably unwise.And if you’re not calm, it’s probably better toleave.

7.“WHAT’SYOURPROBLEM?”

This snotty, useless phrase turns the problem back on the person needingassistance. It signals that this is a “you versusme” battle rather than an “us”discussion. The typical reaction is defensive. “It’s notmy problem;you’re theproblem!”

Theproblemwiththewordproblemisthatitmakespeoplefeeldeficientorevenhelpless.Thewordcantransportthembacktogradeschoolwhentheyfeltmisunderstoodandunderrated.Nobodylikestoadmithehasaproblem.Peopleprefer to think of solutions. “What’s your problem?” makes them feel as ifthey’vealreadyfailed.

Rather,say,“What’sthematter?HowcanIhelp?”Thenyoucanstartarealdiscussionoftheissue.

Ifsomeoneisunenlightenedenoughtoaskyou“What’syourproblem?”say,“It’snotaproblem,it’sjustsomethingIneedtodiscuss.Canwetalk?”

8.“YOUNEVER...”OR“YOUALWAYS...”

Theseabsolutegeneralizationsarelies.Isittruethatachildnevercleansuphisroom? (Okay, bad example. That may be true!) Is it true that your spouse is“always late”?Accusatorygeneralizationsare rarely trueand indicate thatyouhavebothlostperspectiveandwillsoonlosetheattentionofyourlistener.

Tellsomeoneheneverlistenstoyouandhewilleitherremindyouofseveraltimeswhenhehasorhewillbetemptedtospitefullyproveyourightandignoreyou.Youalsomakehimangryandleavehimfeelingthereisnowayhecaneverpleaseyou.

Bettertoturntheburdenuponyourselfandseekhishelp.“Whenyouarelatewithoutcalling,itmakesmefeelasifyoudon’tcareaboutmeormyschedule.”That should elicit an apologyor at least an explanation.But if you jumped inwith“Younevercall...”you’remorelikelytoberemindedofthethreetimesinthelastmonthwhenhedidcall.

Ifsomeoneusessuchabsolutephrasingtoyou,seeifyoucanseehispoint.Say,“IknowitseemsIneverhelpout,becauseoftenIdon’t.Butlet’stalkaboutit.Isthattherealissueorareyouupsetaboutsomethingelse?”

9.“I’MNOTGOINGTOSAYTHISAGAIN.”

That isalmostalwaysa lieon the faceof it,becausewhatusually follows the

abovephrase?Thethingyoujustsaidyouweren’tgoingtosayagain!Andyouwill probably say it again and again. This threat traps you, because if you’rereallynotgoingtorepeatyourself,you’releftwithoneoption:action.Ifyou’renotpreparedtoact,youlosecredibility.

Ifyouarepreparedtoact,youhavetippedoffyouradversaryandhecanplantoreacttoorsubvertyou.Bettertonotrevealallyouroptionsatonce.

Ifyouneedtoemphasizetheseriousnessofyourwords,say,“It’simportantthatyouunderstandthis,soletmesayitagain.Andpleaselistencarefully.”

If someone tells you “I’m not going to say it again,” just answer withsincerity,“Okay,Igotit.”

10.“I’MDOINGTHISFORYOUROWNGOOD.”

Thatisguaranteedtoturnanylistenerintoaninstantcynic.Noonebelievesit.Itbegsthesarcasticcomeback,“Ohyessssss.Sure,Ibet.”

Ifwhatyouaredoingreallyisfortheotherperson’sbenefit,showhimthat.Offerreasons.Giveconcreteexamplesofhowhislifewill improvebecauseofwhatyou’redoing.JustasIencouragecopstotellperpetratorstosurrenderearlysotheydon’thavetospendthenightinjail,awayfromtheirowntableandhotfoodandlovedones,thereisabenefitthatcanbepointedtoforanyoneyou’retryingtoencouragetodosomething—forhisowngood.

Ifsomeonetellsyou“I’mdoingthisforyourowngood,”askforspecifics.Ifwhathesaysdoesn’tmatchyournotionofwhatconstitutesyourowngood,sayso.Remindtheperson,“NooneknowsmebetterthanIdo.I’mthebestjudgeofwhatisformyowngood,justasyou’rethebestjudgeofwhatisforyourowngood.”

11.“WHYDON’TYOUBEREASONABLE?”

Notonceinmylifehasanyonecomeuptomeandsaid,“Youknowwhat?I’minleftfieldtoday,totallyirrational.”Peoplemayknowthey’realittleforgetfulor flakyoroutof it, but they’renotgoing to admit tobeingunreasonable.Soyou’reonlyinvitingconflictwithaquestionlikethis.

Instead, allowpeople tobecomemore reasonablebybeing reasonablewiththem. Use the language of reassurance, saying things like “Let me see if Iunderstandyourposition,”andthenparaphrasingtheirownwords.Thatnotonly

assuresyou thatyou’rehearing themcorrectly,but it alsoenables them to seetheirownviewasyouseeit.Thatapproachstartstoabsorbpeople’stensionandmakesthemfeelyoursupport.Thenyoucanhelpthemthinkmorelogicallyandlessdestructively,withoutmakingtheinsultingchargeimpliedinthequestion.

Ifsomeoneasksyou“Whydon’tyoubemorereasonable?”forceyourselftoslowdown.Takeadeepbreathandinaslow,thoughtful,nonthreateningvoice,say,“I’mbeingasreasonableasIknowhow,andwithanyluck,I’llgetbetter.ButapparentlyIseetheissuedifferentlythanyoudo.”

You will have deflected the attempt to put you down without furtherantagonizingtheperson.

If you can begin cutting these eleven examples of fightin’ words from yourvocabulary,youwilltakegiantstridesinyourmasteryofVerbalJudo,thegentleartofgainingvoluntarycompliancethroughempathicpersuasion.

7

TheCrucibleoftheStreet

WHENILANDEDateachingjobatEmporiaStateUniversityinKansas,Itriedtokeep a hand in both the physical and the academicworlds,whichmademe astrangebird.Iwasn’tyourtypicalprofessorwhopracticedjudoandtaekwondokarateonthesideandrodewiththelocalcopsasareserveinhissparetime.MycolleaguesthoughtIwasnuts.

After ten years I had just about had it with the urbane atmosphere of thecampus.IwasonsomanycommitteesIwasmeeting-edtodeath.WhenIwasfinallyassignedtoacommitteewhosesolepurposewastooverseetheworkoftheothercommittees,Iwasneartheendofmyrope.That’swhenIgotseriousaboutthereserveprogramatthelocalpolicedepartment.

AssoonasIstarteddoing“ride-alongs”andtrainingonthejob,IfellinlovewithpoliceworkandknewIneeded togetawayfromcollege teaching. Iwasbecoming obnoxious at the university, trying to tell my colleagues how theydidn’treallyknowanythingaboutcommunicationskills,andthatthecopsweretherealexperts.WhenIfinallymadethebreak,theywereprobablyrelievedtoseemego.

The very first night I was out by myself, I found I did not know how tocommunicate.Istoppedacaraftermidnightforgoingthroughseveralstopsignsat high speed.As I shonemy flashlight inside the car, I noticedmarijuana alloverthefloor.“You,sir,”Isnapped,“stepout!”

Themangrabbedthesteeringwheelwitharmsasbigasmylegsandsnarled,“Iain’tgettin’out!”Headdedafewchoiceprofanities,andIwasstunned.Mystudents sure never talked tome thatway!My children didn’t talk tome thatway.Icouldn’trememberasentenceputthatforcefullytomyface.

Ididn’tknowwhat tosay,soI just repeatedmycommand.Andhesaid,“Iain’tgonnadoit!”

Nowwhat? I stood there inmybrand-newpoliceboots, lookinggood.Myuniformwascleanandcrisplypressed. Ihada snazzy,all-weathergriponmystainless steel .357 magnum. I was rocking back and forth on 210 poundsstretched fairly tautover six feet two inches,and Iwas feeling inshape.Evenmypatrol carwas lookinggood.Everythingwas lookinggood, but Iwas juststanding there rocking back and forth, back and forth, and nothing washappening.

So I came up with the worst sentence you can come up with. It roseeffortlesslytomylips.“I’mnotgoingtotellyouagain,sir.Stepout!”

Themanjustlookedatmeandsaid,“Whydon’tyoustoptalkingaboutitanddosomethingaboutit?”

I figuredhisadvicewasprobablybetter thanmine, sowithhimcalling theshots,Iacted.Withmyblackbeltsintaekwondoandcombatjudo,Iknowhowto layhandsonpeople, so if that’swhat hewasbegging for, Iwas ready andwilling to comply. I’d beendoing that allmy life. I ripped the car door open,pulledhimout,andthrewhimtotheground.Icuffedhimupanddraggedhimtojail.YoucanbetIfeltprettygoodaboutittoo.

About anhour later I ran into somebodywhogavememoreverbalhassle,and I only asked him twice. See, I was learning. He resisted so I threw himdown,cuffedhimup,andtookhimtojail.Iwasmadeforthisjob.Thingswereworkingmyway.

About quarter of seven in the morning, I was putting the patrol car awaybeneaththepolicedepartmentwhenthedispatcherradioedmethattherewasadrunkbangingonthewindows.“Couldyoumovehimondownthestreet?”

CouldImovehimdownthestreet?Man,you’retalkin’toJohnWaynehere.Iwentupandaskedthedrunkonlyonce.Isaid,“Sir,wouldyoucooperatewithmeandmoveondownthestreet?”Whenhesnarledunintelligiblyatme,Ithrewhim down, cuffed him up, and took him to jail. Itwas thewrong night to befoolingwiththetoughestnewcoponthebeat.Iwenthomefeelinggood.

Atabout11:00A.M.Iwasawakenedbyacallfromthechiefofpolice,whoaskedifIwouldcometohisoffice.“Iwanttochatwithyou.”Idressedquickly.Though I was thirty-five, not twenty-one, I was still so brain-damaged that Iwent down there thinking Iwas about to get a commendation because ofmygoodnight.

AssoonasIwalkedinInoticedthatthechief’svoicehadchangedfromthe

voiceIhadheardoverthephone.“Takealookthroughtheone-wayglassintomywaitingroomandthensityourselfdown!”

Therewere two couples, big as gorillas, sitting on hard chairs, clearly notpleased.“Whoarethey?”Isaid.

Thechiefsaid,“No,George,that’smyquestion.Whoarethoseparentsandwhyaretheyherecomplainingaboutyourbehaviorwiththeirsons?Whatintheworldhappenedouttherelastnight?”

Sufficeittosaymyexplanationsweren’tgoodenough.ThechiefimpresseduponmethatIhadgoneaboutmyworkallwrong,thattherewasabetter,moreconciliatorywaytodothings.“You’vegottoreasonwithpeople,George.”

“Well,Chief,whatshouldIhavesaid?Amantellsme,‘Iain’tgonnadowhatyou say,’ what am I supposed to say? I want to be a good cop. Giveme thewords,and,bygosh,I’llusethosephrases.”

Thesadfactwas,hedidn’thaveanyphrases.HetoldmeIshouldbemorepersuasive,more reasonable, and try other tactics, but I left with no concreteexamples.Allhesaidwas,“Don’t let ithappenagain.”Iwenthome,snappinglikeaDoberman.I’dcomeinforaletterofcommendationandgoneawaywithacondemnation,soIwasnotahappycamper.

The only thing I learned that night was that there was something I didn’tknow.Ididn’thaveacluetothegoalofpersuasion.That’swhyIteachitnow.Idon’tteachreasoning,Idon’tteachargument,Idon’tteachdebate.Idon’teventeach logic. I teach the lost art of persuasion, how to effect voluntarycompliance.

Because ofmy frustration and the newspaper-and-phone approach used byBruceFairseveraldayslater,IsoonbegantolearnmoreaboutcommunicationonthestreetsthanIeverhadlearnedinacollegeclassroom.Itwasclearthatthevast majority of police work was verbal, not physical. Recent studies haveshownthatpoliceworkis97to98percentoralinteraction.(It’sevenhigherinmostotherprofessions.)

AsIanalyzedtheverbalandnonverbalcommunicationofthecopsIworkedwith, patterns began to emerge. There were peacemakers and troublemakers,someofficerswhocouldendabrawlwithafewchoicewordsandotherswhovirtually started fights by lumbering on to the scene as if ready to take on allcomers.

Different cops used different styles, but the effective ones invariablyemployedthesameprofoundand—Ibelieved—definableprinciplesIknewfromthe martial arts. I soon realized that these principles worked in all sorts of

situations.They couldhelp anybodygetwhat heor shewanted—whether thatmeant arresting a thug without a fight or persuading a storekeeper to issue arefund. If I was right, the same principles would work on everything fromsoothinganangrybosstomotivatinganMTVaddicttodoherhomework.

Afterfiveandahalfyearsofpolicework,IwentbacktoteachforayearatEmporiaState.ThistimeIstayedawayfromallthecommittees.Iwantedbooks,students, a classroom, and to be left alone to teach. Inmydowntime, I beganwritingabouttheastoundingcommunicationtoolsusedroutinelybysharpstreetcops. An article I wrote in 1982 was published in The FBI Bulletin. To myamazement,more thansixhundred letterspoured in fromallover thecountry,askingifIofferedtraininginwhatIhadbeguntocallVerbalJudo.

I was thunderstruck. I had published dozens of academic articles and hadneverheardfromanyone.Nowthislittlepiecehadgeneratedresponsefromlawenforcement officials, educators, business executives, retailers, politicians,bureaucrats, even parents—all curious about how to apply the principles ofVerbalJudo.

At the request of the police department inAbilene,Texas, I put together aVerbalJudotrainingcourse.Ifthisstuffdidn’tworkthere,Iknewthey’dridemeoutoftownonarail.Ishowedupreadytoteachwithahandfulofroughnotesandplentyofanxiety.EighthourslaterIwasstillintown.Notar,nofeathers,nofight,norail.Onthehorizon,awholenewcareer.

THEUNCONSCIOUSCOMPETENT

Ifyouhavehadgooddaysandbaddaysasacommunicator,youaresometimesoperating at the level of what I call unconscious competence. Withoutunderstandingwhy,youaresometimeseffective.

Sgt. Bruce Fair, my Emporia, Kansas, partner and trainer, is the perfectexampleofanunconsciouscompetent.HeusesVerbalJudowithoutrealizingit.Mostofthetime,hespeaksbrilliantly,buthehasnoideawhyhe’ssoeffective.He’sagiftednaturalcommunicator.

Theonlyproblemwithbeinganunconsciouscompetent—especiallyifyou’renotasingeniousasBruce—isthatitcanbedangerous.Ifyoudon’tknowwhyyou’redoingwhatyou’redoing,andyou’redependingonverbalinstinctstogetyouthrough,youcanmakecostlymistakes.

VerbalJudoteachesyoutobecomeconsciouslycompetentinboththeuseof

wordsandinyournonverbalpresence.Ifit’struethatlackofcommunicationisa major factor behind everything from ruined marriages to lost fortunes andworldwars, verbal skills are crucial to the survival of society. If you’ve everalienated anyone, burned any bridges (or even left them smoking), lost apromotion, or angered your mother-in-law, you have had communicationproblems.

Ibelieve thegreatestabuse today isverbalabuse,which is thebasis forallchild abuse, spouse abuse, drug abuse, and just about anyother typeof abuseyoucan thinkof. In fact Iwouldargue thatverbalabuse is farmoreprevalentthansubstanceabuseinourcountry.

Tonguelashingsareamajorreasonwhypeopleturntodrugsoralcohol.Theydon’tfeelworthy.Nowhereisthismoreevidentthaninourprisons.Aspartofmy research when I was creating Verbal Judo, I interviewed more than twothousand prisoners in theLosAngeles area. Iwanted to knowwhat prisonersthoughtmadeagoodcop,butIalsotalkedtothemabouttheirlivesingeneral.Letmetellyou,ourpenalinstitutionsarefullofpeoplewhohavebeenverbally,ifnotphysically,abusedall their lives. In theirangerand rage, theysetout toabuseothers.

Theseprisoners—andsadly,millionsofotherpeoplewhoarenotcriminals—have never heard words that would make them feel good about themselves.They’veneverheardgentleencouragementorpraise.Theirliveshavebeenfullofrelentlesstaunts,criticisms,andput-downs.

Thatsortofverbalabuselastsfarlongerthanphysicalabuse.Askyourselfifyou remember every spanking you received as a child. Now how about aspecific,personalslamfromsomeoneyoucaredabout?Awoundinflictedbyahand or even a weapon will eventually heal and fade frommemory. But oldverbal wounds may never heal. Sticks and stones may break our bones, butwordswillbreakourhearts.

Wordscutdeeperandtheirwoundsfesterlongerthantraumasofthesword.That’swhyweneedtobetrainedtospeakeffectively.

Parentsandteacherstaughtustoreadandwrite.Butchancesaretheydidn’ttrainustowiselycommunicatethespokenword.Ourearliestverbalgaffeswerecounteredwith“Shutupanddoasyou’retold.”

Haveyouevertakenaclassonhowtospeakwithassuranceandease?Oroneon presence under pressure?Formost of us, it’s a sad truth:No one has eversystematicallytrainedustospeakeffectively.

IearnedaPh.D.inEnglishliteratureandnevertookonecourseineffective

verbal communication. It wasn’t part of my speech courses, which typicallyconcentratedonhowtopresentformalmonologuesorhowtowindebates.Let’sface it: Those are highly artificial formats that bear no resemblance to realcommunication. In fact, oneof theworst habits you can fall intowhendrawnintoaverbalconfrontationistoswitchtoaspeechordebatemode.

Unless your parents were natural communicators, it’s unlikely that you’velearned to talk in away that strengthens interpersonal relationships.That’s therealgoalofcommunication.OutsidemyownseminarsinVerbalJudoandafewcommunicationcoursestaughttovaluedemployeesinprogressivecorporation,Iknowofnowherethatcommunicationtoimproverelationshipsistaught.

Similarly, there are few opportunities to learn how to receive and deflectinsults,how toapologize,how todiscipline,orhow topraise.Yet it’s in thesecriticalcommunicationareasthatourpower—andourweakness—lies.Ifwegetanyverbalinstructionatallit’sprobablyinassertiveness-trainingcourseswherewearetaughttobeconfrontiveandavoidbeingpushedaround.

Theremaybevalueinthat,buttoomanypeoplecomeoutofthosecoursesmoreaggressivethanassertive.Theymaygetwhattheywant,buttheywinfewfriends in the process. “A prospect sold against his will remains unsold still”goestheoldsalesadage.

Is it any wonder that some of our best-known and most respectedcommunicatorssometimesfindthemselvesinbig-leaguetroublebecauseofhowtheychoose theirwords?Evenaspolishedacommunicatorasdaily talk showhostGeraldoRiverafoundhimself inaslugfest inAugust1992whenaverbalspat with an extremist escalated at a Ku Klux Klan rally in Janesville,Wisconsin.Words failed thewordsmith, he admitted later, “. . . andwhen hecalled me a spick and a dirty Jew, threw something at me and kicked me, Ipunchedhiminthemouth.”

Look at our high-ranking politicians. On the floor of the U.S. House ofRepresentatives,RobertDornan andThomasDowneyonce got into a shovingmatch when Dornan wouldn’t apologize for calling Downey a “draft-dodgingwimp.”

Evenourallegeddiplomatsarenotoriousforspeakingwithoutthinking.Ata1990U.S.-ChinaTradeExpositioninSeattle,U.S.AmbassadortoChinaJamesLilley got suckered into a yelling match with demonstrators and others whoprotestedhumanrightsabusesinChinaandTibet.

Ourdiplomatwaslessthandiplomaticwhenheshouted,“GobacktoChina!You’re a bunch of cowards!”Of course the next day he had to eat crow and

apologize.“Itwasamistake,”headmitted.“Ishouldn’thavedoneit.”The talk show host, the congressmen, the ambassador, andmost of us are

verbal disasters waiting to happen. No one has taught us to communicate,particularlyunderpressure—whenit’smostimportant.Youmayhaveheardthatyoushouldn’tbacksomeoneintoacorner,thatyoushouldleavehimawayout.Buthasanyoneeveractuallytrainedyouhowtodothatwithwhatyousay?

Verbal Judo is a series of simple, hard-nosed principles and tactics thatanybodycanuse, regardlessofbackground.Youdon’thave tobea linguist tobenefit from these martial arts of the mind and mouth. Nor do you have tomemorizeanycomplicatedsystems.

Frankly, I think you’ll be thrilled with how simple, yet thorough, myapproachreallyis.

8

TheMostPowerfulWordintheEnglishLanguage

ARE YOU LOOKING for an instant tension buster? A way to stop gossips andbackstabbersdeadin theirslimylittle tracks?Want to turnsnarlingantagonistsintopersonalitiesassweetandsmoothashoneyslidingfromajar?

The answer lies in one word, which represents the single most powerfulconceptintheEnglishlanguage:empathy.

Tohaveempathyforsomeonedoesnotmeantosympathizewithhim.Itdoesnotmeantoloveoreventolikesomebody.Youdon’thavetoapproveofhim.And you are certainly not required to agree with what he says or accept hisinvitationtoThanksgivingdinner.Empathy has Latin and Greek roots. Em, from the Latin, means “to see

through,” and pathy, from the Greek, means “the eye of the other.” So toempathizemeanstounderstand,toseethroughtheeyesofanother.Itisthemostcrucial skill inbothphysicalandVerbal Judo.That’sbecause themomentyoustop thinking like your spouse, you’re headed for divorce court. Themomentyoustopthinkinglikeyouremployer,you’dbetterstartlookingforanotherjob.Themoment you stop thinking like your friends, you’d better find yourself anewcrowdtorunwith.

Empathy is the quality of standing in another’s shoes and understandingwherehe’scomingfrom.

Here is the bottom line of all communication: Empathy absorbs tension. Itworkseverytime.Ihaveseenitevensavealife.

ThemostdramaticexampleofthisIhaveeverwitnessedoccurredonecold,windy night two years into my police career. I answered a call about a guy

threateningtocommitsuicide.Ihadbeenonanothercall,andwhenIarrivedIfoundabunchofpolicemenstandingaroundamanlyingnudeinabathtubfullofwater.Histoewashookedtoanelectricheater,whichhewasthreateningtojerkintothetub.Itwould,ofcourse,haveelectrocutedhimbeforeoureyes.

“Youpigsdon’tunderstand!”hescreamed.“Iwanttokillmyself!”The officers pleadedwith him, “C’mon, friend, you don’twant to do that.

You’vegotyourwholelifeaheadofyou.Thingswilllookbettertomorrow.”Theonlyproblemwiththatisthattheguyknewbetter.Hewastheonewith

the problems: money, love, job, whatever. AndMurphy’s Law tells us thingsaren’tgoingtobebettertomorrow.AguytalkingsuicidethinksMurphywasanoptimistanyway.

Oneoftheofficersturnedtomeandsaid,“Thisisyourbeat.Youhandleit.”Ipulledanothercopcloseandwhispered,“Findthefuseboxandcutoffthe

power.”Meanwhile, I turned to the guy in the tub. Despite what he had said, I

believedhewaslookingforawayoutofhispredicament.Ifhereallywantedtodie,he’dhavekilledhimself.Hewantedtobelistenedto,andnowheneededtosaveface.Insteadoftryingtotalkhimoutoffryinghimselfinthetub,Idecidedto move with him. That meant I had to try to think like him. I quicklycontemplated what it must be like to face imminent bathtub electrocution. Itstruckmeasanespeciallyhorriblewaytogo.

Isaid,“Youknow,it’sreallytoobadthatofthehundredandfivewaysyoucankillyourself,friend,you’vepickedthehundredandfifthmostpainful.Youthinkit’sgoingtobequick,right?Youthinkallyouhavetodoispulltheheaterin the tub and you’re gone. Let me tell you something. Research shows thatdeathbyelectrocutioninwatercantakeanywherefromeighttotwelveminutes—minutesofexcruciatingpain.

“You’re going to smell your hair burning. You’re going to see the waterbubblingandboiling,yourskinpeelingbackfromyourknuckles,yoursternumsplit.Ifyouthinklife’sbeentoughuptonow,friend,you’vegoteighttotwelveminutestoconsiderrealtoughness.Youhaveneverfeltsuchpain.”

Ipausedasitbecamecleartheywerehavingtroublefindingthefuseboxorfiguringhowtocutthepower.“It’sashame,”Isaid.“Thereareahundredandfoureasierandmoreefficientwaystodoit.Whydon’tyoustepoutofthattubandI’lltellyouaboutthem.Somearesoquickyou’regonebeforeyouknowit.”

It may seem that telling someone how to kill himself is anything butempathetic,butitwastheonlywayIknewhowtowalkintheguy’sshoes.And

itworked.Justbeforetheycuttheelectricity,hesprangoutofthattub.The truth is, Idon’tknowhowmanyways thereare tokillyourself.AndI

know very little about death by electrocution, except I understand it’s prettyquick.IknowI’mnotrightabouttheeighttotwelveminutes,butsquattingtherein uniformnext to a desperateman, Imust have looked and sounded like theworld’sauthorityonthesubject.

Okay,Iwaslying,butbecauseItriedtoempathizewiththeguy,Igotinsyncwithhim.He listenedbecause Iwasworkingwithhim, trying tohelphim—ifnot to live then at least to die with less pain. He thought he wanted to killhimself;IpromisedIcouldhelphimgetthejobdonebetter.

Admittedly, lying and trickery are not things that easily transfer into youreveryday relationships. I don’t recommend them. In this case, however,subterfuge was the only thing I could think of to empathize with the man.Thoughmystorywasfake,myconcernwasgenuine,andhesensedit.Mygoalwastohelphim.BecauseIfocusedonhimandhispredicament, Iwasable tochooselanguagethatallowedhimtoseethesituationashehadn’tseenitbefore.

Hewantedtobeunderstood.Iamnotasocialworker.Iwasneverthebestcopintheworld.ButIcantry

tounderstand.Andthen,bythewayIuselanguageandtone,Icanbuysomeoneanothertwenty-fourtoforty-eighthours.That’senoughtimeforamantohaveacup of coffee and chatwith a professional—somebody trained in helping himreconsiderhislife.

What Idid for thatguy iswhatpoliceofficers, teachers,parents,ministers,andothersdoallthetime.Wehelppeoplethinkastheywouldadayortwolater,withouttheinfluenceoffearordepressionortemporarybraindamagetheybringtothesituation.

Afriend toldmeofarashdecisionbyhisson thatcouldhaveresulted inaregrettable act. In a typical circle of gossip, the boy’s girlfriend heard somethingshewassupposedtohavesaidabouther.Shecalledtobreakupwithhim.Hewassohurtbybeingdumpedthathefumedaroundthehouse,threateningtosayabouthertheverythingsshehadaccusedhimofsaying.“TherearethingsIcould tellabouther,”hewailed.“Andsinceshealreadythinksthat’swhatI’vedone,Imightaswell.”

Hewenttothephone.“Whatareyoudoing?”hisfatherasked.“Evening the score,”he said. “I’mgoing to tell a fewofmy friends things

abouther.”“Things said to you in confidence? Things between a boyfriend and

girlfriend?”“That’sright.”Hewasdialing.“Couldyougivemejustaminute?”“Don’t try to talkmeout of this,Dad.She’s already foundmeguilty, so I

mightaswelldoit.”“Butyouwereinnocent.”“Thatdoesn’tmakeanydifferencenow.”“Icanunderstandhowhurtyouare,beingaccusedofsomethingyoudidn’t

do by someone you care about.Dome a favor,will you?Give it twenty-fourhours.Ifyoustillfeelasstronglythen,we’lltalkagain.”

Notice the father didn’t give him permission to spread gossip and breakconfidencesifhestillfeltstronglythenextday.Hesimplysaidtheywouldtalkagain. He knew how quickly things change in kids’ lives and that thereweremyriadreasonswhyhissonmightfeeldifferentlythenextday.

Thenextmorning,whenhedroppedhissonoffatschool, theboywasstillincensed.“Remember,you’regivingmetwenty-fourhoursandwe’lltalkagaintonight.”Theboynodded.

That evening the son was beaming. “She asked me to forgive her!” heannounced.“Shesaidsheshouldhavebelievedme,becausewhenshecalledherfriends they all said I had never broken my word or told stories behind herback.”

The father resisted the temptation to take credit for keeping his son fromhavingdonejustthat.“So,you’rebacktogether?”

“Ofcourse,Dad.Nothingcantearusapart.”Thisisthecommunicationwarrior’srealservice:stayingcalminthemidstof

conflict, deflecting verbal abuse, and offering empathy in the face ofantagonism. Ifyoucannotempathizewithpeople,youdon’t standachanceofgettingthemtolistentoyou,muchlessacceptingyourattemptstohelp—sincereasyoumaybe.

Ifyoutakeamomenttothinkasanothermightbethinking,thenspeakwithhisperspectiveinmind,youcangainimmediaterapport.Ill-fittingashisshoesmaybe,walkafewstepsinthem.Onlythencanyouproviderealunderstandingand reassurance.Only then can you help that person see the consequences ofwhatheisdoingorisabouttodo.Onlythencanyouhelphimmakeenlighteneddecisions.

RODNEYKING

In themostfamouspolicebrutalitycase todate,RodneyKingwaskickedandclubbedatleastfifty-sixtimesonMarch3,1991,inLosAngeles.Iwasn’tthere,but like just about every fully functioningcitizenofNorthAmerica, I’ve seenthe video more times than I care to. I’ve heard the testimony that King wasbludgeonedandkickedbecausehe ignoredverbal commands togetdownandstay down, and apparently one jurywas convinced the staggering, lumbering,dazedoffenderwasamortalthreattotheofficers.

Idon’twant tobenaïve,andnothing I sayhereshouldbemisconstruedascondoningtheviolencethatbrokeoutwiththeannouncementofthefirstverdict,butIbelievethepoliceofficerscouldhaveusedwordsalonetotakeKingin.IwastrainingmembersoftheLAPDatthetime,andseveraloftheofficersonthescenethatnightwerescheduledtobeinmyVerbalJudoclasstheweekaftertheincident.When you’ve finished this book, ask yourself how you would havehandledthatdangerous,volatilesituation,andseeifyoudon’tagreewithme.

Fortunately, the vast majority of us will never find ourselves in such anexplosiveenvironment.Ourverbaltusslesarejustasunsettlingtous,however,soeverytoolwecanemploy,everyskillwecanmasterwillonlymakeourliveseasier.

The highly trained adult professionals who resort to brute force no doubtconsider themselves effective communicators, peoplewho don’t need to learnanythingmoreabouthowtotalk.ThatistheattitudeofnearlyeveryprofessionalIteach,atleastatthestart.Ifindthatittakessomein-your-facechallengestogetthemtositupandlisten.Ineedtoearntherighttobeheard,showthatI’vebeenwhere they are—in dangerous street situations—and convince them that thereareindeedverbalskillsthatwillmakethembetterattheirjobs.

Chancesarethatyou,too,consideryourselfasuccessfulcommunicator.Youhavenodoubtoccasionallydemonstratedimpressiveverbalskills,whetherthatmeantgettingyourparentstoletyoustayuppastyourbedtime,persuadingyourdogtostopharassingtheneighbors,orsweet-talkingyourspouseintoforgivingyouforyetagaingettinghomelatewithoutcalling.

We’veall,atonetimeoranother,savoredtheresultsofhavingsaidtherightthing at the right time to the right person. We may have even been able tocongratulateourselvesforhavingkeptourmouthsshutwhenitwasappropriatebutdifficult.Atleastonceortwiceinourlives,we’verespondedtoinsultswith

acomebackeithersofunnyorsograciousthatitwasworthyofBillyCrystalorMotherTeresa.

So, such responses arepossible.With a little luck, they’re even repeatable.The question is, Are such situations predictable? If they are, if they can beanticipated, thenwe can be trained and prepared to respond appropriately andeffectivelyeverytime.Nowthere’saworthygoal.

Can we speak convincingly on those all-too-frequent days when we’reoverworkedandexhausted?Canweexpecttherightwordstotumblegracefullyfromour lipswhenwe’renegotiatinga raiseor trying to steerachild throughnegativepeerpressure?

Doweknowwhat to saywhen theplumber sayshecan’tget toour faultywaterheaterfortwodays?Canweconfrontourspouseaboutaproblemwithoutirreparablydamagingthemarriage?Canwespeakupatastaffmeetingtomakean unpopular but vital point without losing our fragile standing within theorganization?

Doweknowwhichwordsandinflectionsproducedesiredresults?Haveweanyideawhentousethemandwhenit’ssmartertosimplykeepquiet?

And if we know these things, are we capable of using them when underpressure?Canweaccessthemwhensituationsturnuglyorpotentiallyviolent?Do we know what to say to keep a love relationship from sliding down thetubes?Or is thatwhenwe’re likely to take the cheapest shots, tomake thosestatementsthatcanneverbetakenback?

Inshort,canwegetupinthemorningandexpecttherightwordstocomeoutof our mouths that day, no matter what occurs? Or will we be taking ourchances?

9

TheGreatestSpeechYou’llEverLivetoRegret

WHENWEEMPLOYthewordsthatmostnaturallycometoourlips,weruntheriskofgivingthegreatestspeechwe’lleverlivetoregret.Wewindupsayingthingswecannevertakeback.Thishappensmostoftenwhenweallowotherstosetthetoneinconfrontations.

We all deal with people “under the influence” nearly everyday. If it’s notalcohol or drugs, it’s frustration, fear, impatience, lack of self-worth,defensiveness, and a host of other influences. Doesn’t it make sense that weshoulddevelopastateofmindthatwillallowustoskillfullyinteractwiththesepeople—whether they be criminals, customers, spouses, kids, or salesclerks—andnotletthemgetourgoats?

Nowhere inmy long, formal education, did anyone trainme in this. Iwastrained to confront people, to snap back at them to preserve my so-calledidentity.IhadthemachonotionthatIwouldn’ttakeanycrap,anyverbalabuse.Severalyears later I realized thatbeinggivenabusewassomething thatwouldhappentherestofmylife,soI’dbetterlearntohandleit.

AHABITOFMIND

Asamuraiwarfarestateofmindcalledmushinisdefinedas“thestillcenter,”orthe ability to stay calm, read your opponent, and attempt to redirect hisaggressioninamorepositiveway.Ifyoucannotkeepastillcenter,youcannotstayincontrolofyourselforthesituation.

Themushin state underlies both physical judo and Verbal Judo—a mind-mouthharmony, ifyouwill.TheEnglishwordclosest to the ideaofmushin isdisinterested.

Many make the mistake of defining disinterested as uninterested. In fact,disinterested means impartial.Dis is from the Latin root meaning “not” andinterested is from the Latinwordmeaning “biased.” So thewordmeans “notbiased,open,flexible.”Asyoucanimagine,thosearethethreegreattraitsofnotonlyagoodpoliceofficer,butalsoofanygoodcommunicator.

Aclosedmindmisreadspeopleandmakesterribleerrors.Theflexiblemindhas the surviving strength of the willow tree, which survives even in heavywindsbecauseitbends,itismalleable.Thisispreciselywhatwehavetodoandbewhenundertheinfluenceofverbalabuse.

Beingmalleableisalwayssuperiortothatwhichisunmovable,thusthejudoprinciple of controlling things by going along with them—mastery throughadaptation. This allows you the strength to deal with people different fromyourself.

I was never taught to deal with people who insulted me. I responded thenatural,defensiveway,whichcausedconfrontation.Ithoughtconfrontationwasthepoint.NowIknowthatastudiedresponseofdeflectionandredirectionistheanswer. Idiscovered it inmystudyofancientwarfare. Inanoldsamurai text,translatedfromtheJapanese,anancientmasterwasquoted:“Whenmanthrowsspearofinsultathead,movehead!Spearmisstarget,leavemanempty-handed,spearinwall,notinyou.”

ThatwastentimesbetterthantheWestern“sticksandstonesmaybreakmybonesbutnameswillneverhurtme,”becausethelatterisn’ttrue.Insultswounddeeplyifwedon’tdeflectthem.Deflectionisaniceconcept,buthowdoyoudoit? (That’s my complaint with most gurus—and samurai—they don’t offerenoughspecificity.Fortunately,Ifoundmyanswerinthestreets.)

STRIPPHRASES

OnenightearlyinmycareerIstoppedapickuptruckfilledwithangry,drunkencowboysafterarodeo.Thedriver,whoappearedtobetwicemysize,wasinmyface, callingme all kinds of names. I asked to see his driver’s license and heresponded with a bunch of curses. Almost without thinking, I said, “Well, I’preciatethat,sir,butIneedtoseeyourlicense.”

Hekindof laughedmeoffbutproducedhis license.Later itstruckmethatmy colloquial use of the word ’preciate was the key. Of course, it had beennonsense!Hehad impugnedmyancestryandcastaspersionsonmymanhood,andIhadsaidIappreciatedit.Thinkaboutthat.Iwasfigurativelymovingmyheadsohisspearofinsultclatteredpastme.

I used the abbreviated version of the word because, of course, I do notappreciatebeingcallednames.Icouldcertainly’preciatewherehewascomingfrom, because I was empathizing and trying to work with him. So I used’preciatethataswhatInowcalla“stripphrase,”adeflectorthatstripstheinsultofitspower.

Inthemartialartsweteachpeopletodeflectpunches,butnothard,forifyoublock hard, you will push the antagonist away. That gives himmore time torecoverandpossiblyevenpullaweapon.Whenamanthrowsafistatyourface,youwanttomoveyourfaceslightlyat theverylast instantallowinghisfist tojust graze the top of your head. Then you strike back because he’s in closeproximity.

Mystripphrasedeflectoroftheloudmouthcowboywasthesamething.SoonIdevelopedotherstripphrases,simple,shortenedversionsofcalmanswers.Forinstance,thenexttimeasubjecttriedtohumiliateme,Isaid,“Iunderstan’that,sir, but listen to me: I need your driver’s license.” Again, to rationalize theabsurdity ofmy statement inmyownmind, I didn’t use thewhole, realwordunderstand.Ileftthelastletteroffandthatsomehowallowedmetotellanidiotwhohadjustcalledmeeverynameinthebook,“Iunderstan’that.”

ThenImadeupanotherone.Itsoundslike“ohyes,”butIrunittogetherasaone-word stripphrase,oyesss. I responded to every insultwithoyesss. Soon IfoundthatifIcombinedthestripphrasestheyworkedevenbetter.Aguywouldstart in with, “You slimy, no-good blankety-blank of a—” and I would say,“’Preciatethat,oyesss,understan’that,sir,butletmeseeyourlicense,please.”

Crazy as it sounds, that works. I have heard some of the greatestcommunicatorsinthecountryusesimilarphrases, like“Ihearya,sir,but . . .”and“Igott’at,ma’am,but...”or“Ib’lievethat,sir,but...”or“Tha’safact,but...”

Thesestripphrasesdeflecttheinsultscomingatyouandallowyoutofocusonwhatyou’redoing.

FOURREASONSTOEMPLOYSTRIPPHRASES

First,stripphrasesactuallymakeyoufeelgood.Normallywhenyoureact inapressuresituationwithphrasesthatmakeyoufeelgood,you’reprobablydoingnogood.Becausereactingtoinsultsinawaythatmakesyoufeelgoodusuallymeansyouhave reacted inkind.But, stripphrasesmakeyou feel legitimatelygood because you’re being tactical and are responding—not reacting—to theproblem,keepingyourcoolandremainingprofessional.Whenyoureact,you’rebeingcontrolledbythesituation.Whenyourespond,you’redealingwithit.(SeeChapter27forafullerexplanationofthedifference.)

When Iworked in theCanineUnit theanimalassigned tomewasapoliceattackdogwhenhiscollarwason,andafamilypetwhenthatcollarcameoff.Mamaandthekidscouldrollaroundwiththatdogaslongashiscollarwasoff.The moment you put his collar on he went back to work, and then nobodymessedwithhim.IusestripphraseswhenIhavemyprofessionalcollaron,andIrelaxonmyowntime.

Second,deflectorsserveaswhatIcalla“springboardfocustechnique.”Stripphrasesspringboardyouoveralltheinsultsthatmightotherwiseallowtheotherperson (a speeder, subordinate, angry child, complaining customer) to defeatyou.Once you have avoided the hurled insult, you have springboarded to theword but, which brings me to Thompson’s Law of the Street, which can beapplied everywhere: After the word but, use only words that serve yourprofessionalpurpose.

“Understan’that,sir,butIneedtoseeyourdriver’slicense.”“I’preciatethat,butIneedtoseesomeidentification.”Everythingafterthebutisdesignedtogetthejobdone.Third,ifyoucanspringboardpasttheinsultsandfocusonthegoal,youhave

disempowered the other person. Say you’re a clerk and someone comes intoyour store andblamesyou for a shirt that fell apart.He insults you, calls youincompetent,andquestionsyourheritage.Yourfirstreactionmightnaturallybe“Holdonhere!Don’tblameme!You’renotgoingtogetanysatisfactionifyoutakethattone!”

Butnotice,ifyouignoretheinsultandspringboardoveritwithanapology,an“I’preciatethat,”youhavedisempoweredhim.You’rewinning!Andyou’refeelinggood.

Fourth,whenyouusethesetacticalphrases,yousoundgood.It’snotenoughtobe good.You’ve alsogot to soundgood,or it’s nogood.Becauseyou losecredibilitywith anyonewhooverhears it. Springboarding allows you to soundgoodunderpressure.

Before I move into a couple of hints for dealing with difficult people, Ishouldadd that thereare timeswhen it isgoodnot touse stripphrases.Whenyousensethatthestripphrasemightbeadangerinitself,becausethepersonisagitatedthatyou’reclearlydeflectingandnotdealingwiththeconflictathand,skipthestripphrasesanddealwiththeissuesimmediately.

TWOPRINCIPLESFORDEALINGWITHDIFFICULTPEOPLE

Ifyouunderstandandagreewithmy four reasons forusing stripphrases, feelfree to develop your own. Consider them your ammunition, like arrows in aquiver.Keepthemreadilyaccessiblesoyoucanusethemwithoutthinking.Theywillallowyoutokeeptwoprinciplesbeforeyouatalltimeswhendealingwithdifficultpeople:

Principlenumberone:Let thepersonsaywhathewantsas longashedoeswhatyousay.Ieventellcopsthat.Isay,“Letthemchipatyouaslongasthey’recooperatingwithyou.Whatdoyoucarewhattheysay?Yourattitudeshouldbe‘Saywhatyouwant,butdoasIsay!’”

Theonlytimethiswouldnotworkiswhenthewordsthecitizenusesserveonly to inflate himwith adrenaline,makinghimor his companionsmoreof aproblem. The officer has to carefully watch a person’s body language to seewhenhemightexplodefromhisowninitiative.It’simportanttointervenebeforethesesituationsgetoutofhand.

Inabusinesssetting,rememberthatinsultingpeopledon’tmeanwhatthey’resayinganyway, sowhatdoyoucarewhat they say?Theyareupset.Focusontheir behavior, not on their attitude.As long as they are doingwhat youneedthemtodo,lettheirmoodblowover.

Principlenumbertwo:Alwaysgoforthewin/winsolution.Itellcops,“Look,youcangivethecitizenthelastwordbecauseyouhavethelastaction.”Lettheperpetratortalkallhewants.Youhavetheauthorityandthepowertoarresthimifnecessary.Ifthecivilianwantstoshootoffhismouthtosavefaceinfrontofhis friendsor family, that doesn’t hurt you.Mostof theverbal abuse copsgettends to be like the ink of a squid. It lets people hide, sounding good even ifthey’renotlookinggood.

If you both take awaypeople’s lastwordand have the last act, you createviolentscenariosandmakeenemies.Let’emspoutoff.Theywin,youwin.

AMOSTIMPORTANTDISTINCTION

AnothercriticaldistinctionImakeforpoliceofficers,whicheveryoneoughttoknow,isthedifferencebetweenthewordREspectandthewordrespect.REspectiswhatwehavetoshowallpeopleatalltimes.Wecannotrespectpeoplewhoprey on others, people who beat their spouses, people who brutalize theirchildren. I have no respect for lawbreakers, butwhen as a professional I dealwith them, I must always show themREspect. That is the Golden Rule in asingleword.

Iknowthatisadifficultandfinelinetodrawbecausethewordsarespelledthesame,soundnearlythesame(exceptfortheemphasisondifferentsyllables),andseemtomeanthesame.Butthinkofitthisway:REinLatinmeanstogiveback, as in giving backwhat youwant under identical conditions. So, alwaystreattheotherpersonasyouwouldwanttobetreatedunderidenticalconditions,evenifheisnotworthyofyourrespect.Inotherwords,evenintheprocessofarrestingyou,orfiringyou,ordiscipliningyou,ImustextendtoyouthekindofbehaviorIwouldexpectwereIinyourshoes.

Whenwedisrespectpeople,putthemdowninfrontofothers,ormakethemfeelbad,weloseourpowerandcreatemoreenemies.Weloseourprofessionalface.We get upset, we use language irresponsibly, and we no longer have adisinterested state of mind. We’re no longer great warriors of words; we’vebecomepartoftheproblem.

Ifyoucanlearntodealskillfullywithpeopleunderpressure,youcandancewhereothersstumble.Andthat is thehallmarkof thecommunicationsamurai:REspecttoall,withdignity,pride,andassertiveness.

10

TheOnlyWaytoInterruptPeopleandStillHaveThemLoveYou

ONEOFTHEmostpowerfulverbaltoolsIknowisParaphrasing.Toparaphrase,putmostsimply,istoputanotherperson’smeaningintoyour

wordsanddeliveritbacktohim.Ifyou’retakingabuse,youwanttosomehowintrudesoyoucanmakethediatribeaconversation.Thenyoucancastwhatyouthinkliesbehindhisaggressivewords(hisrealpoint)inyourownwords(whichwillbecalmerbecauseyou’renottheemotionallychargedonehere),andbesurethatyouhavehearditcorrectly.

Whenyouparaphraselikethat,youhaveactuallyinsertedyetathirdpersonintoatwo-persondialogue.Suddenlyyouhavenothiswordswithhismeaningoryourwordswithyourmeaning,butyourwordswithhismeaning.I’llgetintothefourteenreasonswhythisissoeffective,butfirst,howdoyoudothis?Therearetwobasicsteps.

THESWORDOFINSERTION

Thisweaponisthatsinglesentencethatallowsyoutocutintoatiradeandtakecontrol. It’s hard to stoppeople talking.Theyareupset and they can’t be told“Gettothepoint!”Allthatwillgetyouis“Iamgettingtothepoint!You’renotlistening.”Anddon’t tellpeople toshutupor tocalmdownor to letyoutalk,becausetheywon’tshutup,theywon’tcalmdown,andtheywon’tletyoutalk.

So you start with the Sword of Insertion, a wedge into the harangue like“Whoa!”or“Listen!”(spokenearnestly,notinanger)or“Waitasecond.”

THEULTIMATEEMPATHETICSENTENCE

Here then is the powerful sentence that will allow you to interrupt anyonewithoutfearofbodilyharm:“LetmebesureIheardwhatyoujustsaid.”

Thissimplesentenceissoempathetic,sofullofconciliationandcooperation,so pregnantwith sincerity, that you’ll hardly ever see someone let it slide by.Whatyou’resaying,inessence,is“LetmebesureIunderstandyou.Letmebesurewe’reonthesamewavelength.LetmebesureIheardthat.”

You have become the personification of empathy. Everything about thatsentence says you’re trying to understand. No matter how upset, just aboutanyonewillshutupandlistenbecauseshetoowantstobesureyouheardwhatshesaid.Infact,thesurersheisthatyouwerenotlistening,themorelikelysheistonowhearyouout,ifonlytoproveyouwrong!

FOURTEENBENEFITSOFPARAPHRASING

One. Magically, in one sentence, by paraphrasing you’ve hooked the otherperson.He’s listening. Using the Sword of Insertionwith that sentence is theonlywayIknowtointerruptsomebodywithoutgeneratingfurtherresistance.

Two.Youhavetakencontrolbecauseyou’retalkingandheislistening.Three.You’remakingsureofwhatyouheardrighton thespot,not finding

outlateryoumisunderstood.Four. Ifyouhavenot heard thepersonaccurately,he cancorrectyou.That

fills yourpocketswith ammunition.Themoreyouknowabout somebody, thebetter, and the more he speaks, the more he reveals about his emotions, hisprejudices, and his assumptions. That can only help you in deflecting insults,keepinghisattention,andgeneratingvoluntarycompliance.

Five.Youhavemadetheotherpersonabetterlistener,becausenoonelistensharderthanhedoestohisownpointofview.You’retellinghim,“Here’swhatIhearyousaying,”andyoucanbethewantstohearthat.

Six.You’vecreatedempathy.Theotherpersonwillbelieveyou’retryingtounderstand.Whetheryoureallyare interestedis irrelevant.What’s important is

thathethinksthatyouare,andnothingmakeshimmorecertainthanthatSwordofInsertionsentence“Whoa!LetmebesureIheardwhatyoujustsaid.”

Seven. Once you have thrust the Sword of Insertion and pronounced theultimate empathetic sentence, you have gained attention. Then, to effect thisseventh benefit of paraphrasing you want to immediately follow up withsomethinglikethis:“Okay,youarefeelingXbecauseofY,true?”TheXequalsanemotion,likeangerorfrustration,andtheYequalsareason.Youdon’tevenhavetoberight.You’reguessingatthispoint.Forinstance,itmightgolikethis:“Whoa!Listen, letmebesureIunderstandwhatyou’resaying.You’refeelingangry because you believe I purposely undermined you in front of yourcolleaguesyesterdayatthemeeting.”

NowthepersoncancorrecteithertheemotionyouusedforXorthereasonyouusedforY.Hemightsay,“Well,no,I’mnotangry.I’mdisappointed.”Nowyou’re getting somewhere. Whether he’s angry or disappointed will make adifferenceinwhereyougofromthere.OrhemightmodifyX,thereason.“Yeah,I’mangry,butI’mnotsayingyoupurposelydidit.”

Noticethatmybeingrightisnottheissue.Makingtheattempttogetitrightistheissue,becauseI’mappearingconcernedanditallowstheupsetpersontomodifyhisoriginal statements.And that’s the seventhbenefitofparaphrasing.He’s becoming more reasonable, without your having to vainly shout “Bereasonable!”(whichneverworks).

Eight. Paraphrasing overcomes a strange phenomenon I call “sonicintention.” People often think they have said something because they heardthemselves say it in theirmind, or because they had so carefully rehearsed it.Haveyoueverarguedwithyourspouseaboutwhatwassaid thenightbefore?You say, “You never said that!” And he or she says, “Oh yes I did!” Thoseargumentsgoonandon.Whatdoyou learn from this?Bottom line: Ifpeoplethinktheysaidsomething,theysaidit,andnoamountofargumentorevidencewillchangetheirminds.

Myadviceinasituationlikethatistogivein,becauseI’vetriedarguingandIalwayswoundupsleepinginthepickuptruck.

Nine.Thisadvantagetousingparaphrasingisthatithasaclarifyingeffectforpeoplestandingaround.Whenyou’redealingwithadifficultperson inpublic,whetherinastoreoranofficeoronthestreet,youdon’twanttobeoverheardsoundingbadly.Remembertheancientprinciple:Lookgood,soundgood,ornogood.Paraphrasing isgentle. It tonesdownthevolumeandmakesadiatribeaconversation.Thereshouldbenocondemnationinthecompletelydisinterested

voice, the essence of effective paraphrasing. Paraphrasing should make mesoundasifI’mtryingtoworkontheproblem,ratherthanreacttotheproblem.

Ten.Thetenthadvantageofparaphrasingisthatitpreventsmetaphrasing—whichIdefineasputtingwords(especiallyinaccurateones)intootherpeople’smouths.Metaphrasingisaperversionofparaphrasing.

Toooftenwe’resoconcernedaboutwhatpeopleoughttobesayingthatweparaphrase them as we would have said it. That always insults and angerspeople.

Metaphrasing is useful under only one condition. If you’re working as adispatcher,working theemergencyphones,oftenyouhave to takecontrolofaverbalencounterandextract informationquickly.You’llwant touseStep1ofparaphrasing, the Sword of Insertion, “Whoa!Whoa! Let me be sure I heardwhat you just said.” But then, instead of paraphrasing, move right tometaphrasing.Inshort,thepersonneveragaingetsintotheencounterexcepttoanswer pertinent questions. You’re guiding the conversation quickly: “There’ssomebodyinthebackofyourhouse?Canyouseehim?Doeshehaveaweapon?Ishemoving?Clarifyyouraddressformeagain.Wehaveofficersontheway.Whatisthemandoing?Canheseeyou?”

From that point on, the person who might otherwise panic and becomehystericalandofnohelpisgivingyouinformation.Thoughyourapproachmaysound aggressive, it shows tremendous concern. It gives the comfortingimpression that you are helping, that you are in control. Frightened peopleusually calm down when they think their crisis is finally being handled bysomebodywhocares.

I once heard the story of a ladywho lived on a street cornerwhere trafficaccidents were common. She learned over the years to deal forthrightly withpeoplewhowere injuredor scared.Onedayaparticularlyhellacious collisionresultedinanoldwomanbeingtrappedinacarandherson,amiddle-agedman,runningtothecornerhouseinapanic.“Idon’twantmymamatodieoutthere,”hewailed.

The lady met him at the door with blankets and a bottle of water andinformation.“Ihavealreadycalledtheparamedicsandthey’reontheirway,”shesaid.“Keepyourmotherwarmandcalmuntiltheygethere.”

I asked how she knew someone was trapped in a car. “Because he camerunning.AssoonasIheardthecollision,Icallednine-one-oneandgrabbedtheblankets and the bottle. I knew the first thing out of hismouthwould be thenatureofthetrouble,andIcouldtellbyhisfacethathewasfrantic.IfiguredifI

seemed to have things under control and could convince him his loved oneneededtobekeptcalm,hewouldhavetocalmdowntoo.”

Inmostothersituationsmetaphrasingdoesnotworkwell,andparaphrasingispreferable.

Eleven. You can ask for reverse paraphrasing to be sure the other personunderstands you. If you want to be a better supervisor, or ensure that yourchildrenunderstandyou,askthattheyparaphrasebacktoyouwhattheytaketobeyourmeaning.

I’vefoundthatuptosevenoftenpeoplewillmisreadadocumentandmissthepoint.Morehorrifying, eight of tenmisunderstandmost verbal exchanges.It’seasytotalk,butit’shardtolistenwell.Andwhenyouasksomeone,“Doyouunderstandwhat I’ve just said?”very fewpeoplewill admit theymissedyourpoint.The key is not to ask for a negative answer.Ask the person to tell youwhat you said, and you’ll get an accurate reading howyou’ve communicated.Remember, theresponsibility for theunderstandingbelongs to thespeaker,notthelistener.Yourjobistogetthrough.

Becarefulnottocondescendbyimplyingthatyoujustknowthepersonwillmisunderstand.Rather,puttheonusonyourself.Askhimtorepeatitbacktoyouforyourbenefit:“TobesureIsaidwhatIintendedtosay,wouldyougivebackwhatyouunderstandthepointofthisdiscussionhasbeen?”Peoplewilldothat,anditsafeguardsyou.

Twelve.Youalsosafeguardyourselfbyparaphrasingbackwhatyourbossoryour spouse or children say. It’s possible your supervisormaynot say exactlywhatheorshemeant.Ifyoudon’tgetitright,areyougoingtowintheargumentlater?Youwalk inwitha reportyourbossaskedfor twoweeksbeforeandhehitsyouwith“ItoldyouIneededyouinhereatteno’clocksoIcouldhavethatformymeetingateleven.Thisreport’sworthlessnow.”

You know full well he never said ten o’clock, and you thought you wereseveralhoursearlywithit.Areyougoingtosay,“Youneversaidithadtobetoyoubyten”?

In the interestof truth,youmight try that.But thenheorshesays,“Imostcertainlydid,andthatwasthemostimportantpartoftheassignment.What’sthematterwithyou?”Arguethatone,rightorwrong,andyou’reliabletobearguingforthelasttime.Youronlyrecourseatthatpointistosay,“I’msorry.Imustnothaveheard it.” Ifyouhadparaphrasedbeforeyou left theoffice thefirst time,yourbosswouldhaveheardeitherthatyoumissedthetimedeadlineorthatheor she forgot tomention it. It would be clarified, and your hard work would

eventuallypayoff.Don’t rely on others to always say what they mean, no matter what their

position. Paraphrase it back. Thatmakes you look good, and it ensures a toplevelofprofessionalwork.(Besides,bosseslovetohearthemselvesquoted!)

Thirteen. Paraphrasing has an unusual psychological advantage I call“generating the fair-play response.” Whoever you’re paraphrasing is almostpsychologicallyforcedtoplaybythesamerulesandparaphraseyou.Peoplewillgenerallytreatyouthewayyoutreatthem.It’skindoftheGoldenRuleagain,applied tocommunication:Treatothersasyouwouldwant tobe treatedunderidentical circumstances. So if you use paraphrasing, if you work peopleskillfully,they’reapt—evendespitetheirintentions—togiveyouequaltime.

Fourteen.Finally,whenyouparaphrase, it etches the facts inyourmind. Ifyouhavetowriteareportoryou’rephoninginformationbacktoyourbossaboutthe facts of a meeting, the paraphrasing reinforces your own memory. Yourreport,writtenororal,willbemoreconciseandmoreaccurate.

Because the amazing tool of paraphrasing provides these fourteen differentbenefits,youseewhyIcallitthemostpowerfultoolincommunication.

11

VerbalJudoVersusVerbalKarate

ATTHERISKofoversimplifying,letmeassertthattherearereallyonlytwokindsof language: Verbal Judo and Verbal Karate. Judo, as I’ve pointed out, wasdeveloped as a sport of self-defense without the use of weapons. Karate isdefinedasaself-defensesystemcharacterizedbysharp,quickblowsdeliveredwiththehandsandfeet.

Thus,tome,VerbalKarateisthelashingout,asifwiththesideofacallousedhand, when you snap at your spouse, your children, your employer, youremployees, anyone. Whenever you use in a harmful, destructive way thosewords that rise readily to your lips, you have employed the easiest use oflanguage:VerbalKarate.

In the professional realm, Verbal Karate is the unprofessional use oflanguage,becauseyou’reusingwordstoexpressyourpersonalfeelings.Youarenotconnectingwithyouraudience,andbasicallyyou’reofftarget.

Physical karate is a fighting, striking, kicking, attacking offensive system.Whenthatapproachistransferredtooralcommunication,it’seasytodo,butitdoesn’twork.After thirty-five years of using both physical karate andVerbalKarateprofessionally,Icantellyouthelatterneveroncehelpedme.AndIwasanexpertatit.

In fact,VerbalKarateburnedmorebridges,alienatedmorepeople,and lostmoreopportunities forme thananythingelse Ican thinkof.Oh, itoftenmademe feel good about myself temporarily. I’d tell somebody off with mycombinationofeducatedarticulation,physicalprowessandpresence,andmachotoneofvoice,andI’dstrutawaythinking,I toldhim!YoubetIdid!Hehaditcoming!

A few hours later, without fail, I was thumping my forehead, thinking, Ishouldhavesaidsomethingelse!WhydidIsaythat?WhydidIhavetoshootoffmybigmouth?

THEBADNEWS

Ofcourse,Iusuallyhadtogobackanddosomeapologizing.Thebadnewsis,there isnoapologyforverbalabuse.Thebestyoucanhopefor isashortenedversion of the word, like ’pologize (much as I use with my strip phrases),because there is simply no taking back harmfulwords.You can say you takethemback,butaskapersonadecadelaterifheremembersyourunkindwords.Chancesare,hewill.

Peopleneverforgetverbalabuse.Itsinksdeeperandfesterslongerthananyother kind of abuse. I’d rather be cut with a sword than with an insult fromsomeoneIcareabout.Thinkofthetimesinyourchildhoodyouwerehumiliatedby teachers or colleagues or peers. Have you forgotten them? That’swhywemust learntouselanguagemoreskillfully.That’swhywemusteschewVerbalKarateandembraceVerbalJudo.

THEGENTLEWAY

PhysicaljudowasinventedbyaDr.Kanoin1882.Itwasaderivativeofjujitsu,whichmeans“pain.”Judo,asImentionedinChapter4,meansthegentleway,ratherthanthepainfulway.Ifyou’veeverseenajudomatch,youmaywonderwhat’s gentle about it. People are thrown or foot-swept to the mat. Thegentleness lies in the technique.You are not counteracting their approach andhammering back at them. Rather, you are moving with them, using theirmomentumtopullthemoff-balanceandthenpropellingthemtotheground.Thewayyou throwsomeoneallowshim tobreak the falland rolloutof it.VerbalJudo, then, should be nonhurtful. It should be redirective rather thanconfrontational.

KELLEYANDTHECAR

All martial arts are based on redirection. I learned the concept of redirectionwhen I first tried to put together a course in oral communication. I had beendivorced(primarilybecauseIdidn’tknowhowtouselanguageandI’dsnappedone too many times at my former spouse), and my then-sixteen-year-olddaughter Kelley came to live with me in Albuquerque (apparently she washavingtroubleusingwordsathometoo).

A fewweeks aftermoving inwithme,Kelley came tomewith a request.“Dad, I’mworkingpart-timeand I’mgoing tohighschool,and Igottahaveacar.”

Well,Iwastryingtostartabusiness,andIwasbroke.Iwaslivinginalittlecondo and trying to keep up with the bills, so frankly Kelley’s request, aslegitimate as it may have been, madememad. How presumptuous!What aningrate!Iwantedtosay,“That’soutrageous!Whatarequest!HowcanyoubesoirrationalastothinkIhavethemoneyforthatrightnow?”Thosewordswelledup,butmaybeIhadlearnedenoughaboutsnappingatlovedonesthatIwasabletocontrolmyself.

Instead,becauseIwasworkingontheseprinciples,Isaid,“Wellnow,Kelley,ifIweretobuyyouacar,youwould,ofcourse,maintainitcompletely,true?”

“Ohyes,Dad.Ohyes.”Isaid,“Whydon’tyougocheckoutwhatthatmeans,andthenlet’stalk.”Frankly,allIwasdoingwasputtingheroff.Ijustneededheroutofmyhair,

becauseotherwiseIwasnotabouttohandlemyselfwell.Acoupleofdayslatershesaid,“Dad,buymeabicycle.”Isaid,“What?Whathappenedtothecar?”She said, “Are you kidding?Do you have any ideawhatmaintenance and

insurancewouldcostme?Andthenthere’slicensingandprocessingfees,tosaynothingofgasandoil.Ican’taffordacar.Whydon’tyoubuymeabike?”

Ithought,Great,George!Youjustsavedthousands!But she continued, “You know, Dad, I notice you’re beginning to travel,

leavingyourcarattheairportandpayingforparking.Itmustbelonelygoingtotheairportandarrivinghomelateatnight,noonetomeetyou.It’snotgoodforyourcar tobeout therefordaysincoldweather.So,whydon’tyoubuymeabike,andwhileyou’reintown,Iridebike,youdrivecar.ButIwillarrangemysocial life so I can take you to the airport on time and pick you up on time,makingiteasierforyou.ThatwayIcandrivethecarwhileyou’reawayandyoudriveitwhenyou’rehere.”

OfcourseKelley’swasagreatplanandworkedoutwell.Withoutrealizingit,

I had redirected her attention and I avoided getting upset and starting aconfrontation which could’ve lasted for weeks. Confrontation wouldn’t haveworked.Redirectiondid, and freedher to bemore creative than Iwouldhavebeen.Verbal Judo had come to life for the very onewho had discovered andhopedtopromoteit.Withoutrealizingit,KelleyhadactuallyemployedVerbalJudoonme.

MASTERYTHROUGHADAPTING

VerbalJudoissimplytheuseofwordstoachieveyourobjective.You’vegottostay in contact with your audience and use your words with maximumeffectiveness and minimum effort. Why stir people up? There is a kind ofmasteryavailablethroughadapting.Ididn’trejectKelley’srequest.Iletitdriftandrefocusedherattentionuntilshebecamecreative.IwasbecomingawarethatVerbalJudowasthemartialartsofthemindandthemouth,theabilitytokeepcalminside,toreadtheaudienceandfindtherightwordsfortherightpersonattherighttime.

Aristotle said thataudiencesaremade,not found.Youcan tripoverpeoplewhoareangryandhostile,butifyou’reskillful,youcancalmandredirecttheirbehaviorintwominutes.

FORCEOPTIONS

Thegoalofpersuasionistogeneratevoluntarycompliance.Youcan’texpectitjust because you play a certain authority role.Youmustmake it happen. Thegreat communicatorshave that art.They somehowgetpeople todowhat theywantthemtodobygettingthemtowanttodoit.

What force options are available to generating voluntary compliance? Thefirst,surprisinglyenough,isyourmerepresence:thewayyoushowup,thewayyou approach, carry yourself, stand around, even the way you project yourfeelings onto your face. I teach police officers and corporate people theimportanceofprofessionalpresence,howtheylookastheyenterascene.

Consider,forexample,atypicalmistake:usingthewrongfacialexpression—oftenwiththewrongwords.Manythinktheyaregoingtocoolpeopledownandtakechargeofasituationbyshowinganangry,eyes-squinted-up,snarlingface.

That calms nobody down. If you want to calm somebody, don’t you think itwouldbemorehelpfultoaffectacalm,pleasant,interestedlook?

HOWMANYFACES?

Youhave tohaveone face to calm somebody, another face to look interested,anothertolookconcerned,andanotherwhensomeone’stryingtointimidateyou.Weallweardozensoffaceseveryday.Whichyouusewhenwilldeterminehowsuccessful you are in generating voluntary compliance, the goal of persuasionandanunderlyingtenetofVerbalJudo.

TheMountRushmorefrozenservicefaceisthekindyourunintotoooftenin businesses, government offices, or even hospitals. People just don’t lookhappy. How about in retail stores where clerks wear Smile buttons but lookthunderous?Thosefaceareinappropriate.

Learntheskillofthechameleon,animageIhavemountedonapinandgiveout at my seminars. The chameleon is a good representation of an effectivecommunicator because of its ability to adapt to its environment. Just as thechameleon changes colors to blend in, you must wear faces appropriate tochangingsituations.Thechameleonsurvivesbecause itadapts.Nomatterhowyou feel inside, youmust develop the ability to look good on the outside—toreinforcewhatyou’resayingwithafaceandademeanorthatfitsthesituation.

Thisishardlytaughtanywhere.WhenIaskpoliceofficersacrossthecountrytonametheirfirstforceoption,theyusuallytellmeverbalization.Nottrue.Itisprofessionalpresence,tolookgood.You’vegottolookthepart.

Forceoptionnumbertwoisverbalization:therightwordsfortherightpersonattherighttime.AsNapoleonsaid,“Morepowerfulthanastandingarmyisthewell-wroughtword.”Mostofusdonotcommunicateskillfullyunderpressure,yet our entire careers depend on it. I’ve already covered why “Calm down!”doesn’tcalmanybodydown.Whynotuseaphraselike“It’sgonnabeallright.I’mworkingonit.”

Ifpeople incrisiswouldremember thesefirst twooverridingforceoptions,they would go a long way in improving communication. Without any othertrainingorskill,they’llbeontherighttrackbyusingtherightwordsandhavingtherightdemeanor.

FOURMOREFORCEOPTIONS

Ifwordsfail,andattimestheydo,gothentoforceoptionthree:layinghandsonapersonandusingtechniquesfromthemartialartscalledthecome-alongholds.Obviously, these are limited to law enforcement personnel, and they helpgeneratevoluntarycomplianceatthelowestlevelofpainpossible.

Option number four is the use of artificial incapacitators—chemical mace,stunguns, thekindof force that temporarily immobilizes so thepolice officercangeneratevoluntarycompliance.

The fifth option, using impact tools like the nightstick or the baton, is notdesignedtopermanentlyinjureorbrutalizepeople.Theseimpacttoolsaretobeusedtogeneratevoluntarycomplianceatahigherlevelofpainthantheothers—butonlywhennecessary.

Optionnumbersixisdeadlyforce,and,ofcourse,thathasnothingtodowithgeneratingvoluntarycompliance.Deadlyforceisusedforenforcedcompliance,and therearestrict rules—suchas imminent jeopardyandpreclusion(meaningnootherforceoptionsareavailable)—thattelluswhensuchextrememeasuresare allowed. Obviously, for most people the force options are much morelimited.

YOUROPTIONS

In corporateAmerica or at home, it’s important that you know the next forceoptionafterwordsfail.Sinceyoucan’tcuffsomeoneorsubduehimwithastickordrawdownonhim—muchasyouwouldliketooccasionally(behonest!)—itiscrucialthatyournextmovehassometeethinit.Isitawrittenwarning,somekindof a transfer, a lossofmoneyorprivilege?Oneof the secretsofbeingagood communicator is knowing the system. Be sure you are well versed inpolicy.Toomanypeopleusethreatstheydon’thavethepowertocarryout.Howaboutthemotherwhotellsatoddler—nearmidnightatafamilyChristmasbashshehadnobusinesssubjectinghimto—“Ifyoudon’tbehaveI’llputyououtinthecar”?Right.

Knowwhatyoucanenforceandatwhatlevelyoucanenforceit.Thatgivesyou confidence and credibility. Credibility, which is rooted in the Latin wordcredo,meaning“Ibelieve,”beginsandendswithyouruseofwords.

Thebirthofmyability to communicate came inmyacceptanceof the factthat Iwas the problem. If you can accept that the problemwith your spouse,your children, or at your workplace may be in your mirror, you can make

dramatic changes in your ability to be skillful under pressure. Focus ontechnique, focus on the goal. Your ability to survive professionally anddomestically lieswith your ability to usewords skillfully, and sometimes thatmeansmoving to tougher forceoptions.Whileyoudon’thave the toolsof thepolice officer, or (I hope) the need for them, there is a system to handle thetougher-than-usualencounters.

12

TheFive-StepHardStyle

OVERNEARLYTHElasttwodecades,IhavetaughtVerbalJudotoalmostseventythousand cops in nearly seven hundred police departments, and to thousandsmoreincorporateandretailAmerica.WhenIteach,Ialsolearn,andif there’sone thing I’ve learned from all these frontline communicators, it’s this: Ifsomeonewantstoruinyourcredibilityandgettheadvantageoveryou,allhehastodoismakeyouangryenoughtomisusewords.

Ibelievethatmorethan90percentofyoursuccesswilllieinyourdeliverystyle,soIwanttoprovideyouwithaseriesofprinciplestolivebyandtoenacton a daily basis,makingyoumore effective as a parent, a professional, and afriend.

DISCOVEREDTHEHARDWAY

Persuasion—generating voluntary compliance—is the essence of Verbal Judo,andattheheartofpersuasionisafive-stepmodelIdiscoveredthehardwayinpolice work. It suggests that you (1) Ask (Ethical Appeal), (2) Set Context(Reasonable Appeal), (3) Present Options (Personal Appeal), (4) Confirm(PracticalAppeal), and (5)Act (Determination ofAppropriateAction). (For afulldiscussionofthefourtypesofappeals,seeChapter21.)

Obviously,thisdidn’tallcometomeinaflash.LessthanaweekafterIgotin trouble with the police chief over my brusque manner with citizens—rememberinChapter3allthathasslingwithoffenders—Istoppedanotherguyatabout3:00A.M.Hehadignoredseveralstopsigns,andwhenIapproachedhiscar

Isawawhiskeybottleonthefloor.Isnapped,“You,sir,stepout!”WhenIgotthefamiliarresponse,“I’mnotgettin’outofthiscar!”Ithought,

Ohno.Herewegoagain.Ididn’twantanothertonguelashingfromthechief,soI thought quickly and came at him from a slightly different direction. Letmeremindyou,Ididn’tknowwhatIwasdoingwasright.Iwasjustscramblingtotrytostayoutoftroubleandstillgetmyjobdone.

Isoftenedmytoneandsaid,“Sir, listen tome.There’sawhiskeybottlebyyour right leg.Now, sir, that constitutes under the lawwhatwe call an open-bottlecharge.Ihavenochoicebuttohaveyoustepout,becauseI’mrequiredtoenteryourvehicleandtakea lookat thatbottle.Foryoursafetyandmine,sir,departmentpolicysaysIhavetoaskyoutostepout.Wouldyoudothatforme?”

Makenomistake,Ifeltlikeawimpatfirst.WhatIreallywantedtodowaspintheguytotheground,cuffhimupandroughhimupandlethimknowhewastanglingwiththewronglawman.YoubetIdid.ButIwasnotgoingtoletthisguygetmygoat,ormyjob.MycalmervoiceshowedIwasmoreincontrol.Iswitchedfromcommandingtoasking,andthenIsetthecontextbytellinghimwhyIwasmakingmyrequest.

Thewordcontext is crucial in all communication.Context comes from theLatincontexo(contextus)orpossiblytheLatinconandtexo.Bothmean“weavetogether” or “join.” I have come to learn that of ten driverswho areDifficultPeople (seeChapter5)and refuse togetoutof thecarat first request,at leastseven will do what you say if you only tell them why. One of the greatpsychologicalurgesinthiscountryisthedesiretoknow.Ifyoucantapintothatand let people knowwhy you’re saying what you’re saying, you can usuallygeneratevoluntarycompliance.Givethemcontext.Weavetogethertheelementsofthesituation.

When I set context, I groundedmyself in professionalism. I gave reasons,policies,andproceduresforwhatIwasasking.Myego,soprevalentinthatfirstcommand,“GetOut!”wasthenmissing.(Yourpersonalfacewillalwayscreateconflict becauseyouvirtually force thepublic, especially theDifficultPeople,who are wired that way, to come back at you.) Hardly realizing it, I hadsubstitutedmy professional face formy personal face. I hadmoved from theethicalappealofaskingtoareasonableappealofsettingcontext.

Unfortunately,IhadrunintooneofthefewDifficultPeoplenotmotivatedbyhaving the request put into context. This guy required my going to Step 3,presentingoptionsandmakingapersonalappeal,becausehesaid,“Idon’tknow

nothingaboutthatbottle,Jack!Itookabunchofguystoapartylastnightandtheydrankwhiskey.Idon’tevendrinkwhiskey.Notmybottle,notmyproblem.I’mnotgettin’out.”

Igotta tellyou,GeorgeThompsonthecivilianwould justassoonhaverunhisnightstickthroughoneoftheguy’searsandouttheother.ButI’mapracticalman.I likestrokesasmuchasthenextguy,andIdidn’twantmychiefonmycase again. I tried a new approach, coming at the driver from yet anotherdirection.

Isaid,“Sir,listen,that’saninterestingdistinctionbetweenwhetherit’syourbottleoryourbuddies’,butthelawdoesnotmakethatdistinction.Thelawsays,‘Bottleincar,youdriver,youresponsible.’Now,sir,thatmightnotevenbefair,but’tissounderthelaw.I’dliketothinkyou’dcooperatewithme.Steponout,sir.Icancheckthatbottle,thenIcanchatwithyouaboutwhyIstoppedyouinthefirstplace.Thatwayitlooksasifyou’regonnabeabletogohometonight,putyourfeetup,bewithyourfamily,eatatyourowntable,sleepinyourownbed,andgetupinthemorningandgotowork.I’dliketothinkyou’dwanttodothat,sir,butthelawgivesyouanotheroptionifyouwish.Thelawsaysifyouwant,youcancomewithus, eatwithus, stayovernight, sleepwithus.That’scalledanarrest.Now,Idon’tseeanyneedtodothat.That’salotofpaperworkfor me, that’s towing your car, and you know they’ll put dents on that thingdownat theyard.Youdon’tneed thatkindof trouble,doyou,sir?Whydon’tyougiveusbothabreakandcooperatewithmeandsteponoutofthere?”

Thosewereoptions,notthreats,andtheyworked.BasicallyallItoldtheguywashecouldgetoutofthecarorgotojail,butnoticethatI left thepowerofchoicewithhim.NoticealsohowspecificIwas.Specificityisoneofthesecretsofpersuasion—helpingpeopleseewhatyouwantthemtosee.Itriedtopaintapicture of his going home, the problem over, contrastedwith a picture of hiscomingwithme,havinghiscartowed,andgoingtojail.Thosespecificsmadehischoiceclearandeasy.

I knew I’dhit on somethingwhen theguy laughed and said, “I don’t needthatkindoftrouble,Officer,”andsteppedout.Bestofall,andhere’sthepoint,helostnofaceandhesteppedoutontogroundthatIhadcreatedforhim.

THEWHAT-IFS?

Whatifhehadn’tsteppedout?Orwhatifyouradversarystilldoesn’tcooperatewhenyou’vereachedthethirdstepoftheFive-StepHardStyle?Unlessyou’rea

cop,youmayhavemetyourmatch.Justforthesakeofillustration,letmetellyouwhatpoliceofficerssometimeshavetodo.TheymustmovetowhatIcallpractical appeal, which is to confirm the resistance. Until my course beganreaching police departments acrossAmerica, cops really had no option at thatpointbuttohaulpeopleoutoftheircars,usingcome-alongholds.Mycontentionisthatthereisoneoptionalsentenceleftthatstillgivesatroublemakerachancetodotherightthingandsavefurtherhassle.

Ifhehasn’tpulledaweapon,there’sapowerfulsentenceworthtrying—andoneyoucanusewithyourchildren,coworkers,or troublesomecustomers. It’sthis:“Is thereanything Icansayordoat this time toearnyourcooperation?”AndthenIalwaysfollowitwiththeoptimistic“I’dsureliketothinkthereis.”

Noticehowpleasantandpositivethatis.I’veseenthisworkonthestreetintoughcitiesinCaliforniaandinSeattle,Washington.Isawthisworkwithaguywho had fought the cops seventeen straight times before an officer tried thisfourth step, the confirmation, which confirms whether or not the person willcooperate.

If thisdoesn’twork, andveryoccasionally itdoesn’t, then theofficermustact—Step5. Interestingly forcopsworking inpairs is that thepracticalappealquestiontipsoffthepartnerthatStep5isnext.Iftheperpetratormakesitclearthatthereisnothingthatcanbesaidordonetogainhiscooperation,it’stimeforaction. I have alerted my partner, who is then moving to the next position,withouthavingwarnedthesubject.

Thewronglanguageinthatsituation,the“ifyoudon’tdothisI’mgoingtodo that” approach, alwayswarns people thatwe’re about to act,making themdangerouslyreadyforus.IfIsaytoasubject,“GetoutorI’mgoingtotakeyouout!”hemaycomeatmewitha razorblade.Butmysuggestedsentence is sopleasantthatitkeepshimoff-balance.Itallowsmetojustifymyactionlaterincourtandsoundgood,and italertsmypartnerwithoutalerting theperpetrator.Nowif theguysays,“That’sright, I’mnotgettingout,” thecoptakeshimoutbeforehefinishesthenextsentence.

USINGTHISATHOME

Mostofushavenotbeentrainedtodealwithteenagers.Uptoaboutageelevenor twelve, kids may give us some trouble, but basically they follow ourdirections. By the time they get to be thirteen or so, they enter the Why

Generation.Everythingthatwasonceacceptedisnowquestioned.Idon’tknowaboutyou,but that’swhereIfoundmyself lesseffective thaneverasaparent.Nooneevertoldmehowtopersuadeateenager,butnowIknowthattheFive-StepHardStyleisthekeytopersuasion.

For example, suppose Iwere to tellmy son, “Taylor, before you go to theparty,takethetrashout.”

Imighthear something like “Hey,Dad, Ihaven’tgot time todo it tonight.I’minarush.Whydon’tyoudoit?”Whydon’tIdoit?Mostofuswouldsnapatthatresponse.Wedon’tsetcontextorlayoutoptions.WejustmoverighttoStep3andturnoptionsintothreats:“Hey,youdon’ttakethetrashout,youdon’tgoout!”

Ofcourse,allthatgetsyoufromtheteenageris“That’sunfair,Ihavetodoeverything, you never do anything, blah, blah, blah.” Suddenly you’ve gotyourselfaseriousargument.

WhynotpleasantlygotoStep2—settingcontext?“Taylor,rememberwhenwe agreed six months ago that your allowance would be partially based ongetting that trash to thecurbeveryFridaynight,beforegoingout?Whydon’tyoujustkeepyourwordanddoit?”

Forsomekids,appealingtotheirhonorworksimmediately,asitusuallydoeswith my son. But what if you have a difficult teenager? You’re apt to hear,“Yeah,well,Imeanttotalktoyouaboutthatallowancebusiness,anyway.I’mfedupwiththat.GetsomeoneelsetotakethetrashoutbecauseI’minahurry.”

Nowit’stimetogosettingandcreatingoptionsinsteadofthreats.Somethinglikethismightwork:“Taylor,listen,weagreed,‘Whencansbycurb,Tayloroutforparties.’Youdon’thavetophysicallytakethemout;yourjobis toseethattheygetout. Ifyouwant tobribeyoursisterorgetMamato take themoutoryouwanttousevoodoo,Idon’tcare.Nocansout,noparty.”

At this point, most kids would probably do it. There’s been no assault onTaylor’s personal face, and he can maintain his dignity by simply taking thetrashout.Butsupposehedoesn’t.Supposehesays,“I’mnotgonnadoit!I’minahurry!”Thenyouhavenochoice.YoumoverighttoStep4.“Taylor,listen!IsthereanythingIcansayordoatthistimetoearnyourcooperationandgetyoutokeepyourwordandtakethetrashout?I’dsureliketothinkthereis.”

I don’t know about your kids, but most kids know by that sentence thatdiscussionisaboutover.Theteenagercanstilltakeoutthetrashatthatpointandlosenocredibility,nopersonalface.Ifhedoesn’t,youcangroundhim,sendhimtohisroom,takeawayhisallowance,orwhateverpunishmentisappropriatein

yourhouse.Butnotice thathecannotblameyou. In theend itwashischoice.Thepunishmentisanappropriateactionbasedonafourthstepthatheresisted.Hehadaright toresist.That’showheearnshis identityover time,flexinghismuscles.Wehavetogiveourkidsroomtoflex.Ifwe’realwayscomingdownon them, they can’t grow.But theymust pay the consequences if they do notobey.Oncethelineisdrawn,theymustnotcrossitwithoutpunishment.Uptothat point, we owe them the courtesy of looking for the keys to voluntarycompliance.

The Five-StepHard Style is a communication tactic that arms you to dealwith difficult people under almost any condition. It provides you withdecisivenessandcertainty.Youwillalwaysknowwhereyouare.Youareintheasking stage (Step 1), the setting the context (tellingwhy) stage (Step 2), thepresentingofoptions (in theotherperson’sbest interest) stage (Step3),or theconfirming (that some kind of cooperation is either forthcoming or not) stage(Step4).Ifnot,youhavetoact(Step5).

Youwillneveragainbetrappedintorepeatingordersoverandover,whichisagreatsignofweaknessinaparent,apoliceofficer,anexecutive,oranyoneinaposition of authority. Repetition reveals weakness. Flexibility and variance ofapproachshowsstrength.

13

TheFirstGreatCommunicationArt:Representation

YOURPRESENCEANDyourwords,whenskillfullycombined,areknowledgeandpowerinaction.Theyallowyoutogeneratevoluntarycompliancefromthemostdifficult subjects. Now let me suggest that if you deal with people in anyprofessionyouhavean identity that canbeveryclearlydefined,one inwhichyoucantakegreatpride.YoucanbeaContactProfessional.Contact is an interestingword from theLatinconmeaning“with”and tact

meaning“totouchonallsides.”Ialwaysemphasizethenecessityofbeingaproratherthananamateur.Amateurshavegooddaysandbaddays.Theyhavenotbeentrainedtobetactical.

Aprofessional, for example, is someone likeMichael Jordan.Heplays thegreatestbasketballintheworldgameaftergamebutwhatreallysetshimapartiswhathedoesunderpressure.Whatdoeshedowhenyoudouble-teamhim?I’lltellyouwhathedoes.Hegetsbetter.Hepassesmoreoften,hepassesbetter,hescoresmore,hehasmoreassists.

Youshouldtakeprideinyourabilitytogetbetterunderthepressurepeopleputonyou in theworkplace.Tobeacontactprofessionalwhocanhandleanykindofstress,youmustexudecredibilityandanauraofpower.

In all the fancy courses I took and all the degrees I earned, I never had acourse on how to handlemy ownweaknesses in interpersonal relationships. Ilearned this throughexperienceanddealingwithpeople. I learned that tobeacontactprofessionalyoumustfirst,ofcourse,beincontactwithyourself.Mostofushaveweaknessesindealingwithpeople.Whatareyours?Istherealistoffiveorsixthingsthatgetunderyourskinaboutdifficultpeople?

Weallhavebuttonsandtriggers,butifyou’regoingtoworkforothersandrepresent them, you must not allow people to push your button or pull yourtrigger.Thequestion is,howdoyoubuilda triggerguard?Theanswer:Knowthyself.Theoldsamuraiused tosay that ifyoudon’tknowyourself,you lose100percentofthetime.

THE“WANNABET?”GUY

IdiscoveredveryearlyonasapoliceofficerthatonethingIhatedwashavingmy authority challenged. There was always somebody who’d say in a nasty,whiny,contentiousvoice,“Youcan’tdothattome!”ItseemsIheardthattwentyorthirtytimesaday,anditalwaysangeredme.Everytime,alittlevoicewentoff inmyhead,Youwannabet?Watchme! Immediately Iwould take amoreaggressive, attacking stance, and each time I made errors I was not able toexplainthemonpaperorjustifythemtoasuperior.

TheonlypersonwhohadeversaidanythingaboutthatproblemwastheoldIndian who taught me things while I was growing up. One day when I waseleven,he saidoutof theblue, “Thompson, somedayyouwillhaveenemies.Here’s howyouhandle ’em.First always define.Then, name them.Thenyouwillownthem.”TheIndianwalkedoffintotheforestandIthought,What?Whatdoesthatmean?ItsoundedkindoflikesomeIndianfolklore,andIhardlygaveit another thought until I was thirty-five. Then I was on the streets, makingenemiesandnotbeingabletohandlethem.

Istilldidn’tunderstandhisadvice,butIactedonitanyway.WhatdidIhaveto lose? I knewmy biggest enemywas anyonewho challengedmy authority.OnedayIwrotethatdown.Ihaddefinedhim.Naminghimwasmoredifficult,but I finallydecided to call himby thevoice thatwentoff insideofme.Thatvoicealwayssaid,“Wannabet?”SoIcalledmyenemythe“WannaBet?”Guy.Isaid tomyself,“George,becarefulof the ‘WannaBet?’Guyorhe’llownyousomewhere,sometime.”

The very next night I placed a youngman under arrest, and he camebackwith“Youcan’ttouchme.I’lldowhatIwant.Myfather’sonthecitycouncil;he’llhaveyourjob!”

ImmediatelyIthought,Wannabet?Butatthesametime,awarningbellalsowent off in my head. There he is, the “Wanna Bet?” Guy! Be careful! He’sgonnagetyou!

Iliterallytookastepback,forcingmyselftoremaincalmandnotsayordo

anything that would jeopardize the integrity of that very legitimate arrest. Iwanted the bust, all right, and Iwanted it to stick because of the kid’s snottyattitude.Icouldhavelostitall—andmaybeevenmyjob—ifIhadlethimgettomeandmakemedosomethingstupid.Ididn’t,andhegotinbigtrouble.

To this day you cannot challengemy authority andmakeme show anger.Sure, I’mstill angry inside.My triggerhasbeencocked,butyoucan’tpull it.Mytriggerguardisinplace.Idefinedmyenemy,andInamedhim.NowIownhim,ratherthantheotherwayaround.Whatisyourenemy?Defineit.Nameit.Ownit.

THETEDDYBEARTRUTH

I remained so intrigued by the power of that truth that about ten years later Iasked a psychologist why it worked. He told me that when we define ourweaknesses, or our so-called communication enemies,we actually bring themout andmake them part of our consciousness.We admit them, bringing themintothelightofrecognition.Wecannameonlythatwhichweown,sowhenwenamethem,weacknowledgethatwehavetakenownershipofthem.

Ifyou’veevertakenyourchildtoastoreandboughthimateddybearfromawholegroupofsimilar-lookingbears,youknowthatbythetimeyou’vegottento the counter, your child has named the bear. And if that teddy bear is evermisplaced or missing, you see your child bereft and heartbroken because bynamingit,hehasmadeitpartofwhoheis.(Forthisreasonfarmersdon’tallowtheirchildrentonametheheifersorthechickens.Youcan’tverywellserveupElsieorTweetyBirdonaplate.)

Makealistofyourmostharmfulweaknesses.Thennamethem.Giveeachalittletagandpinitwrigglingtothewallofdefinition.Thenyouownthem.Onceyou’reincontrolinside,youcanbeincontroloutside.Asacontactprofessional,youworkinahighlyvisibleworld.Youliveandspeakinafishbowl.Everytimeyou speak people arewatching you. There are a lot of eyes out there, so youhavetobecareful.Sayonlywhatyou’dbeproudtohavequotedbacktoyouonMondaymorning.And that all startswith knowing and being in contactwithyourself.

REPRESENTATION

To be a top-flight contact professional, you have to become an artist atrepresentation, the first of three great communication arts. Besides being incontact with (or knowing) yourself, you must be in contact with yourorganization and its constituency. As you do your professional representationwork,youstandbetweentheproverbialrockandahardplace.

Just for fun, sketch out an illustration that will make this clearer. Draw acirclewiththenameofwhateverorganizationorcompanyyourepresentinit.Totherightofthat,drawafive-pointstartorepresentyou.Totherightofthat,drawaboxwithaC in it,whichstandsforyourcontactpoint(yourconstituencyorcustomerorpublic).Everytimeyouspeakyourepresenteverythinginthecircleontheleft(therock)tothecontactinthesquareontheright(thehardplace).

Nowdrawafigureeight,whichrepresentsyourjob, thatbeginsontheleft,passesthroughyou,andcontinuestotherightbeforecomingbackthroughyouagain.Continue to trace that figure eight,which signifies how you serve as aconduitbetweenthetwootherentitiesinsuchamannerastogeneratevoluntarycompliance.

Iemphasize thatbecause itmeansyouarecontinuallyservingasaconduit.Keeptracingthatfigureeightandsoonyou’llseethatyou,thestar,arevirtuallyobliteratedbyyourrepresentationaljob.Nowdrawanarrowbetweenthecircleand the square and you have a figure eightwith an arrow driven through themiddle.Thatistheessenceofrepresentation:theabilitytorepresentthespiritofyourorganization,itsgoods,itsgoals,itsproduce,itspolicies,itsphilosophy.Itis that philosophy that youmust fully know and embrace, because every timeyouopenyourmouth,youpersonifyittowhomeveryou’retalkingto.

If you do your job right, as I hope you drew your illustration, you’vedisappeared.And that’s one ofmy crucial points.When you speak, you are amouthpiece, a representative.You do not represent your own ego.Remember,the more ego you show, the less power you have over people. Egotists onlycreateconflict.Thegreatcommunicatorsputtheiregosbehindthemandputthepurpose and goal of communication before them.Nobody likes peoplewhosepersonalitiesintrude.

If you’re in a retail business, your job is to represent your organization insuchawayastonotonlygetcustomerstobuythefirsttime,butalsotoensurethey’llwant tocomebackagainandagain.Nordstrom’swas the firstofmanycompaniesthathaslearnedthisart.Itgavepeopleprideintheorganization.

Everytimeyouopenyourmouth,yourepresenttheboss,whetherthatisthechief of police, the mayor, the company president or CEO, or whoever. You

speak for him and for everyone elsewhoworks in the organization. If I as apoliceofficerwere tobad-mouthpeopleon thestreetandmake themfeelbad,theywouldgoawaynot thinkingaboutGeorgeThompson(they rarelygetmyname or badge number), but rather the department. Research shows that ifsomeonehasabadexperiencewithapoliceofficerhewilltelltwenty-seventotwenty-eight people over the next three days. Imagine the statistics for badexperiencesinstoresorwithcompanies.Ifsomeoneinyourorganizationtreatspeoplepoorly,helowersyourcredibilityandthecredibilityofeveryoneyoucareaboutinthecompany—andhemakesyourjobfarmoredifficult.

Effective professional language is that which contributes to voluntarycompliance. Any language that makes compliance more difficult should beshunned. Itmaymakeyou feelgood to insult somebody, to tellhimwhatyoureallythink.Butremember,ifitmakesyoufeelgood,mostofthetimeitwon’twork, or as the samurai were fond of saying, “If it makes you feel good, nogood.”

UNDERTHEINFLUENCE

Yourcustomerorclientorcitizenisundervariouskindsofinfluence.Hemaybeunder the influence of anxiety, fear, misunderstanding, ignorance, rage, evenliquor and drugs.You have to learn to read people carefully.The old samuraiwhosaidthatifyoudon’tknowyourself,youlose100percentofthetime,alsosaid,“Ifyouknowyourselfbutyoudonotknowtheopponent,you’llbeluckyto win fifty percent of the time. If you know yourself and you know theopponent,youcanwinahundredpercentofthetime.”

That means one of the greatest communication skills is listening, reallylisteningtopeople—towhattheysayandhowtheysayit.Andthatleadsmetothesecondgreatcommunicationart.

14

TheSecondGreatCommunicationArt:Translation

ONCEYOUHAVEmastered theartof representation, translationbecomescrucial.Translationistheabilitytoputwhatyousayinthemostproper,fitting,assertive,and powerful words possible. The goal is to put the precisemeaning in yourmindintoyourlistener’smind.Thatmeansdoingwhateverisnecessarytoavoidthemisunderstandingthatcomeswithnormaldistractionsandinfluences.

Inmanyways, this is a simple process, communication boiled down to itsfourbasicelements:

1.Content.Youhavetoknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.Asaprofessionalor aparent,youmustdecidepreciselywhat it isyouwantandneed tocommunicate.

2.Coding.Codingismerelyputtingyourmessageintowords.Thisinvolvesthinkingofthosewordsasacodethatreflectsyourmeaning.Think,forexample,howmanywaystherearetotellamanyoucannothelphim.Ortotellamantostepoutofhiscar.Howmanywaystherearetotellyourspouse you are sorry—most not as effective as they could be. Wordsshouldbe seenasawayof reflectingmeaning,butnotego—youmustseparateyourwords(meaning)fromyourself(ego).

3.Sending.Onceyouknowyourmeaningandhavechosenthewordsforit,it’stimetotransmitit,whetherbyphoneorinperson,usingyourvoiceandothernonverbals(facialexpressions,bodylanguage,etc.).

4.Decoding.Decoding is theresponsibilityof thehearer,buthowwellhedecodesisindirectproportiontotheeffectivenessofthecontent,coding,andsending—yours.Hisdecodingisalsoaffectedbyyourdemeanorand

carriage(voiceandbodylanguage),externalnoise(cars,planes,phones,people,etc.),andhisowninternalnoise(whatIcall“braindamage,”oranyotherinfluencehemaybeunder).

Mostofussufferfromsomelevelofbraindamage.Wedon’tliketobetoldwhattodo,perhaps.Orwe’retiredorthinkwe’vedoneenoughforonedayandwe’re ready tomisunderstandwhat others are about to say. Nowonder it’s anightmaretocommunicate.Whatlookslikeasimpleprocessisactuallydifficult.Wecertainlywillneverget throughtoeachother ifweuse thewords that risemostnaturallytoourlips.Wemustrememberifwedo,wemaywindupgivingthegreatestspeechwe’lleverlivetoregret.

OFRABBITSANDGREENCHEESE

Natural language is disastrous. That’s whatmakes translation indispensable. IonceheardaveryinterestingstorythatIbelieveprovesmypoint:

NeilArmstrong,theU.S.astronautwhoin1969wasthefirstmantowalkonthemoon,wentonaworldtourin1972.InJapanhewasaskedbyatinygradeschool childwhat itwas really like on themoon.WhenArmstrong heard thetranslation he must have thought it a pretty simple question. He could havewrittenabookon thesubject.Rather thanget intoa long,complexanswerforhisyoung,Japanese-speakingaudience,herespondedwithaquickbitofhumor.Hesaid,“Well,Ididn’tfindamaninthemoonoranygreencheese, that’sforsure!”

TheJapanesetranslatortoldthechildrenthatMr.Armstronghadsaid,“Well,Ididn’tfindanyrabbitsonthemoon,that’sforsure!”

Now was that a good translation or a bad one? Believe it or not, it wasexcellent. Japaneseculturecontainsnostoriesaboutaman in themoonor themoon beingmade of green cheese. In a fullmoon, they see a huge, pregnantrabbit,ratherthanaman.I’vealwaysseenher.ManynortheastIndiansseethesame thing, as do many other Asians. On the lower right side (at about 5o’clock) of the moon they see a gray blotch they regard as a hutch of babyrabbits.They tellhundredsofstories to theirchildrenabout themoon’sMamaRabbitandherbabies.

You’ll notice that though the words were different, the meaning was thesame.Armstrongwassaying,ineffect,thatwhenhegottothemoon,itwasn’tatallwhat itappears fromEarth. Inourculture thatwouldmeannomanandno

greencheese.InJapanesecultureitmeansnoMamaRabbitorbabyrabbits.Frankly, that kind of translating is what you do every day if you’re

communicatingeffectively.Thepoliceofficeronthestreethastofigureoutwhatkind of language will be most assertive and effective to calm a subject andredirect his behavior.What might work for the little old lady from PasadenamightnotworkforayounggentlemanfromAlbuquerque.Thelanguageacopwoulduseforsomecountryclubyuppiewouldbetotallydifferentfromwhathemight use for a gang member in Watts. He may be transmitting the samemessage,butyoucanbe sure therewillbeentirelydifferentwords forwidelydifferingpeople.

My rule is:Treat everyone the same (withREspect and dignity), but don’ttalktoeveryonethesameway.Youdon’ttalktoeachofyourchildrenthesameway,doyou?Sinceeachrespondsdifferently,basedonhisorhermakeupandcharacter,youinstinctivelylearntocommunicateuniquelytoeachone.

The great cops I’ve watched and worked with, the great salespeople I’vewatchedand listened to, and thegreat teachers I’ve studiedunder allhave thesameart.TheymaynotthinkaboutitordissectitasIdo,buttheywilltellyouthatknowingone’s audience and communicating inhis language is oneof thegreatestskillsthereis.

Somepeopleareable todo thisnaturally,butstill theyhave to figurativelystandintheotherperson’sshoes.Andthatbringsusbacktoempathy.Ifyou’rehavingtroublecommunicatingwiththosefromdifferentwalksoflife,itmaybebecauseyou’rethinkingaboutyourselfinsteadofaboutthem.Ifyouallowyouregotogetintheway,youwillfindyourselfusingyourownlanguageinsteadoftheotherperson’s.

Thegreatsalespersonlistens topeopleandinteractswith themawhile, thensuddenlybegins touse the rightkindsofwords,whether theybeemotionalorpictorial, to paint an effective picture. To effectively represent anyone oranything,youmustgetoutofyourselfandgetintoothers.I’veseenthattaughtnowhereelse,yetitisagreatfundamentalskill.Getridofyourego,putyourselfintoyourjob,andtakepridethatasacontactprofessionalyoucanwalkthewalkandtalkthetalkofyourcorporationoryourbusiness,andthatyoucareenoughaboutwhomyou’redealingwithtousetherightwordsfortherightpersonattherighttime.

Before I get into the third great communication art, mediation, I want tocover some important information on the subject of listening, to help put allthreeoftheartsinperspective.Mygoalistogiveyoutheskills,thetactics,and

thephilosophiesyouneedtomaximizeyourpowerinrepresentation,translation,andmediation,soyoucantakeprideinyourartistry.

ANUNNATURALACT

Listeningisnotanaturalact.Itishighlyartificialandartistic.Infact,listeningisnot theoppositeoftalking,andifyouthinkit is,you’reasbrain-damagedasIused to be. In our culture, the opposite of talking is more like waiting tointerrupt.

Activelisteningisahighlycomplexskillthathasfourdifferentsteps:Beingopenandunbiased,hearingliterally,interpretingthedata,andacting.

Don’teverassumepeopleareopenandreadytolisten.Onethingthatmakesmy course different from somanyothers is that I, having beenon the streets,know that communication isnot the listener’s responsibility. It is the sender’s.As a police officer I had to ensure that I made people more cooperative andwillingtobevoluntarilycompliant.

Highschoolteacherstellme,“Ihaveabadclass.WhatcanIdoaboutthat?”Isay,“Thereisnosuchthingasabadclass.Onlybadteaching.”Sorry,but

theresponsibilityofgetting throughlieswith the teacher. Ialmostalwaysstartoutwithdifficultclasses,becausetheattendeesareusuallymandatedtobethere.Theydon’tthinktheywanttobetaught.They’realreadyprofessionals.They’reonthestreet,dealingindangeroussituationsallday,andthey’reprettysurethatsomePh.D.won’tbeable to tell themanythingnew—especiallyabout talkingtheirwayoutofsituationsratherthantakingchargephysically.Ihavetoperforminsuchawayastogetandholdtheirattention.

Take the responsibility tobeagoodcommunicator.Getpeople to listenbythepowerandmannerwithwhichyousendyourmessage.

Whenyou’reonthelisteningend,youmaybeopenandunbiasedandabletoliterallyhear,buthowdoyouinterpretwhatyou’veheardsoyoucandecideonacourseofaction?

Start with one of my undeniable, inarguable, street-survival truths: Peoplehardly ever say what they mean. If you react to what they say, you make amistake. People under the influence of liquor, drugs, rage, fear, anxiety,ignorance,stupidity,orbias,don’tmeananythingtheysay.

If you begin to grasp this point, you can become a more effectivecommunicator.Herearetwoexamples.

DeputyontheDoorstep

Iwasgoing to teachVerbalJudo toasheriff’sdepartment, so thenightbeforetheclassesIwentonaride-alongwithayoungdeputy.Heansweredaburglarycall and knocked on the door. Before the deputy could ask the nature of theproblem,hewashitwith“Wheretheheckhaveyoupeoplebeen?Icalledthreeandahalfhoursagoandyou’rejustshowingupnow!Thisisalotofcrap!Youknow,I’mtiredofyoupeople.Mytaxespayyoursalariesandyou’reneverherewhenIneedyou! I’msickof this.Lookatmyhouse! It’sstripped,everythinggone, and what are you doing? Drinking coffee, having doughnuts, foolingaround! You people write parking tickets when you should be enforcing thelaw!”Andthatwasjustthebeginning.

Thedeputy,ofcourse,hadhadatoughdaytoo,sohesnappedoffthewordsthatcamemostnaturallytohislips.“Hey,listentome,sir,Idon’thavetolistentothis.I’mnotpaidenoughtotakeyourverbalabuse.I’mhere,soifyouwantsomehelp,I’llgiveyousomehelp.Youwanttostandthereandrantandraveatme,I’mgoingtogobackintoserviceandletyouhandleyourownproblem.”Heturnedtowalkofftheporch,andofcoursetheguyhittheroof.

Fromwhatyou’velearnedalready,whatshouldthedeputyhavesaid?Allthewords thrown at himwere born of rage and frustration.The citizen, a victim,didn’tmean aword of that diatribe.What he reallymeantwere four differentthings:

1.“Ineedsomehelp.”2.“CanIgetanyofmystuffback?”3.“HowcanIkeepthisfromhappeningagain?It’sajungleoutthere.”4.“WhatdoIdowiththefeelingofhavingjustbeenraped?”If you have ever been burglarized, you know how the victim felt. It is no

minorevent.Somebodyhasbeeninyourhouse.Manypeoplecan’tevenliveintheirhousesafteranintrusionandviolationlikethat.

Now,whydidn’tthecitizensaythosefourthings?Whydidheresorttoeveryclichéhe’deverheardaboutwhatcopsaredoingwhenthey’renotonthescene?Because he was upset. He was frustrated. He was going to take it out onsomebody.

Now, how would the Michael Jordan of communication have responded?Someonewhounderstood that themanhadnotmeantwhat he said andknewwheretherealmeaninglaywouldhaveusedaSwordofInsertionandgoneonfrom there. Something like “Sir, listen to me.Whoa, I ’preciate that! You’re

right,it’sajungleoutthereorIwould’vebeenheresooner.ButI’mherenow,sir, and here’swhat I need to do. I need to seewhere those people got in thehouse andwhere they got out.And you need to conductme on that tour andassistmeinthatinvestigation.

“Whileyou’redoingthat,sir,Iwantyoutobethinkingverycarefullyaboutwhat ismissing. Do you have pictures, serial numbers,markings on the stuffstolen? Because when we’re done, I’m going to sit down with you and do apolice report. This doesn’t have to be meaningless paperwork. With a goodreportandlotsofspecifics,ourdepartmentisoftenabletoreturnthirty-fivetofortypercentofstolenpropertyovertime,someofit inreusablecondition.I’dliketothinkmaybethatcouldhappenforyou.

“BeforeIleave,letmetellyouanotherthing,sir.YourightlypointedouthowbusyIam,butI’mnevertoobusythatIcan’ttakeaminuteortwotowalkyouaround your house before leaving and point out some ways that you cansafeguardit.I’manexpertinthatarea.MayIcomein?”

IhavetobelievethatwouldgetacopintojustaboutanyhouseinAmerica.The citizen may still be smoking and sputtering, but the cop’s job is gettingdone.

The deputy should have two goals. First, he needs to get in and get outquicklyandprofessionally.Thecomputerscreeninhissquadcarisfullofcallswaitingforaction.Second,andjustasimportant,thedeputyneedstoleavethecitizen feelingbetterabout thedeputy thanheever thoughthewouldwhenhefirstopenedthatdoor.Thecallershouldknowandbeabletosay,“Thatofficercared.”

TheHostageSituation

Amanholdinghostagesoncetoldme,“Iwantamilliondollarsandanairplane!”Isaid,“SodoI!”andIlaughed.Humor,carefullyused,canbeadeflector,an

identifyingfactor,awaytoforgeabondandworkwithadangerouspersonality.Iwenton,“Sir,we’dboth like those things,wouldn’twe?But letme tellyousomething I think you already know. That’s not going to happen. The peoplesurroundingthehouse,sir,theydon’tlikeyou.They’retheSWATteam,andtheywanttokillyou.Tobefrankwithyou,that’snotthepolicechiefandcommandofficersontheroofsoverthere.ThosehappentobeVietnamveterans,andtheironlyjobistocomeinhereandtakeyouout.

“Nowlook,Iworkforthesepeople,andtheydon’tevenlikeme.Let’syou

and Iwork togetherand see ifwecan’t comeupwith something thatwillputsomethinginyourpocket.Let’sseewhatwecandoaboutyourdrinkingcoffeetomorrownightandhavingyour ladyover fordinner.Those thingsImightbeable tohelpyoudo.As it standsnow, they’renotgoing to letyoudo that, sogiveme something I can take back to them and I’ll seewhat I can do aboutgettingyououtofherealiveandnotinsuchdeeptrouble.”

Heworkedwithme,becauseIhadn’treactedtohiswords.Icalmedhimbytellinghimthetruth.Hewasn’tgoingtogetamilliondollarsandanairplaneanymore than I was, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t address his needs. Hostagetakers, just likechildren,express theirdemandsanddesires.Wearenot in thebusinessofmeetingthose.Whetherinourrolesascopsorparents,we’reinthebusinessnotofsatisfyingdemands,butofmeetingneeds.

If you gave your children everything they wanted, you’d turn them intomean,nastylittleyuppies.You’dbeworkingtwoandthreejobs,andyou’dgrowoldquickanddie.Neverreacttowhatpeoplesay.Reacttowhattheymean.Justremember:Peoplehardlyeversaywhattheymean.

15

TheThirdGreatCommunicationArt:Mediation

IN1972ANinterestingexperimentwasdonebyaschoolofcommunicationintheeast.They tooka toddler,barelyverbal, toasafespotnearabusy intersectionandtoldhimtowatchthecars.Hewasfascinatedbythemotionof the traffic,andforaslongasitheldhisattention,theylethimwatch.

Thenhewasasked,“Whatdidyousee?”Thelittleboysaid,naïvelybutaccurately,“Sometimescarsgothiswayand

sometimestheygothatway.Theystophere;theygothere.”Thelittleboywastold,“That’sgood.Nowlookupthere.”Withouthearing

anymoreexplanation,theboynoticedthetrafficlightandsoonbegantoseeitchangecolors.Withintwentyminuteshewasabletorecognizeorderoutofwhathadappeareddisorderandmakesenseofwhathadappearednonsense.Hesaid,“Red,stop.Green,go.Yellow,Idon’tknow.”

Thepointofthatstoryformypurposesisthatthepersonwhopointedoutthetraffic light was amediator. The great service of themediator, whether it’s apsychologist helping you and your spouse live in harmony or a police officerworkingwith somebodywho refuses toget out of a car, is to helppeople seesomethingnew.

Mediators do this by fulfilling one of the definitions of the Latin wordmedius,“onewhogoesbetween.”Effectivemediatorsgobetweenoracrossyourexperience,enablingyoutoseesomethinginanewway.Inshort,theyeducate,makingsenseoutofthingsbyputtingthemintoperspective.

THEMOUNTAINMANINTHEALLEY

Ithadneverstruckmeinmythirty-fiveyearspriortobecomingapoliceofficerthatmediationwasoneof thegreatcommunicationarts.But soonmy trainingsergeant,BruceFair,begantoteachmewithoutknowingit.Firsttherewashisabilityto“separateandsuture”warringcouples.Hewouldgetthemapart,calmthem, and bring them back together, usually without an arrest or a bunch ofpaperwork.Then,ofcourse,camethenighthemediatedadomesticdisputebyreadingthepaperandaskingtousethephoneofanarguingcouple(seeChapter1).

AftermytrainingperiodwithBruce,IhadbeenoutonmyownforabouttwomonthswhenIgotacallthatamanhadbrokenupsometablesinabarandhadfled southbound intomybeat.Themanwasdescribed as about six feet seveninchesandalmostthreehundredpounds,white,noshirt,sweatingprofusely,andknowntobeviolent.JustwhatIneededonaone-officerbeat.

Sureenough,abouttwentyminuteslaterIwassharking(cruisingslowlybackandforth)behindsometavernswhenIspottedtheguyinanalleywithonlyoneoutlet—pastme.Iimmediatelyradioedforhelp.Isaid,“I’vegotamanhereasbigasahouse!”

Acivilian can roll up thewindows, lock thedoors, anddriveoff as if he’sseennothing.Asacop,IknewIhadtodealwiththeman.Isteppedoutofthecar maybe forty feet from him, planning to use words to stall him until mybackupsarrived.I’dneverhadacourseintacticalcommunication.

Themanwas holding a broken, jaggedwhiskey bottle by its neck, and hebegantomovetowardme.ItookadeepbreathandworkedatnotsoundingasscaredasIwas.Isaid,“Sir,Iunderstandyoubrokeupsometablesandleftabarwithout paying. The bartender’s pressing charges. Disorderly conduct,destruction of private property, theft of services. Put the bottle down, sir, andcomewithme.You’reunderarrest.”

Sayingsodoesn’tmakeitso.Themanmountainlookedmeupanddownandsaid, “Youain’tbigenough to takemedown.Lookatyou,you’re just a littlepunk!”Meanwhile,hewasslowly,drunkenlyshufflingtowardme.

Frankly,Ithoughthehadaprettygoodpoint,soIdrewmystickandbackedawayabit.Right then,withoutmy realizing ituntil severalyears later,VerbalJudowas conceived. I said, “What are you going to do, sir, cutmewith thatbottle?Listen,you’reagreatbigguy.Youcanbeatmeup,noproblem.Lookatthisface.It’sbeenhurtbefore.Butletmetellyousomething.AllI’mtryingto

arrestyouforisdisorderlyconduct.That’sjustamisdemeanor.You’llbeinjailovernight and then you’re out. Cost you maybe thirty bucks if you’re guilty.Thenyou’rehome.

“Takin’ me down is not such a hot idea. You hear those sirens? They’recomingforyou,sir.Menwithbigsticksanddogs,peoplewholiketofight.Youmay hurt some of them, but bottom line you’re going to jail. Then you’ll belooking at a felony. That’s more like ninety days and hundreds of dollars infines.”

Hewasstillcoming,andIwasstilltalking.“Doyouhaveajob?”“Yeah.”“Well, youwon’t when you get out.What about a woman?Have you got

yourselfaladyathome?”“Yeah.”FortunatelyIknewenoughtosayshemightbetherewhenhegotout.IfI’d

outrightpredictedshewouldabandonhimwhilehewasin jail,hewouldhavewantedtofightmeonthatbasisalone.

“Listen,” I said, “you can dowhat youwant. But letme tell you that thatbottleisconstituting,asyouholdit,afelony.Look,thebartender’schargeisamisdemeanor.I’mlookingforamisdemeanor,andyou’retryingtoturnitintoafelony.Whydon’tyougivemeabreakandI’llcutyousomeslack.Let’ssayIdidn’t see the bottle. You drop it and come with me, and all we’ve got is amisdemeanor.”

Tomyamazement,helookedatthebottleasifseeingitforthefirsttimeandtosseditaside.Hestoppedmoving,soIsaid,“Turnaround!”And,bygosh,hedid!Isaid,“Putyourhandsbehindyou,”andhedidthat too.Icuffedhimup,puthiminthecar,andheadedtothejail.AsIpulledoutofthealley,twobackuppatrol cars, filledwith officers and dogs and sticks, pulled inwith their lightsflashing.RealizingIdidn’tneedthem,IfeltastrangesenseofpowerI’dneverfeltbefore.Iwassafe,myuniformwasn’tripped(whichIwouldhavehadtopayfor),myfacewasnotbleeding,theothercarscouldgobackintoserviceforthecommunity,andIwouldbebackonpatrolintenminutes.Ithought,Boy,that’spower!

Later,asIdebriefedwithBruceFair,Igotahandleonwhathadgonerightinasituationthatcouldhavegoneallwrong.Herewasamanundertheinfluenceofliquor,rage,fear,andpride.IfIhadconfrontedhim,asIhadbeentrainedtodo,Iwouldhavebeeninforseriousviolence.

Instead, I had redirected his behavior by cutting across his experience

(mediating)andgivinghimafresh,personalviewofthesituationfromhisownperspective.Inessence,makingitupasIwentalong,Iusedfivedifferentpiecesofbaittohookhim.Igothimtothinkofthevalueofhistime(onenightinjailversus several weeks), his money (thirty dollars versus hundreds), his job(working versus unemployment), his record (misdemeanor versus felony), andhiswoman(mightbethereversusmightnot).

You’ll notice that the essence ofmediation lies inwhat I call the personalappeal (seeChapter 21 for a complete discussion of the four basic appeals)—whichistheabilitytoreachpeoplebyputtingwhatyouwantthemtodointermsofwhattheyhavetogainorlose.Ifyouropponentorcustomerhassomethingtogainorlose,youhavesomethingyoucanuse.

Simply put, the art ofmediation is the ability to skillfully present options,whichtakesusrightbacktoStep3oftheFive-StepHardStyle(seeChapter12).

THREEINONE

AllthreeofwhatIcallthegreatcommunicationartswereatworkinthatalleythatnight,eventhoughIwasabeginner,feelingmywayalong.Iwouldn’thavehadtorepresentthebartenderinhiscomplaint,butthatseemednecessarytogainvoluntarycompliance. I chosenot to insult themanorchallengehim,becausethenIwouldhaveforcedhimtofight—thelastthingIwantedtodo.

I’veclarifiedthatempathyunderliesallthesearts,andIwascertainlytryingto empathize that night. He and I had to work together if I wanted to keepworkingatall.So,Ihadtothinkwithhimand—becausehewasundersomanyinfluences—Ihadtothinkforhimtoo.Where’shecomingfrom?What’shegotto gain?What’s he got to lose?What can I use? I had to think like him longenoughtofindthetermsofmyappeal.

Ihadtoremovemyegotokeepfromsayingsomethingstupidlike“You’renotastoughasyouthink.I’vegotsomeblackbelts.Icanhurtyoutoo.Comeon,tryit!”Thatwouldhavebeencounterproductive,ofcourse,becauseanytimeaprofessionalmanifestshispersonalface,heforcesconflict.

Theartoftranslationwasalsoclearlypresentthatnight.Isentmymessage(“Cooperate because it’s best for you”), but I was using his language (time,money,job,record,andgirlfriend).

The people you deal with may have other kinds of things to lose (likereputation, standing in the community or business, freedom of movement,

financial options, family relationships). It’s your job as professionalcommunicator—orevenanamateurVerbalJudopractitioner—toanticipatetheseand empathize. When you put things into context for the person, you’retranslating.

WhenIhelped themountainmanseewhichofhisoptionswere inhisbestinterest, I was cutting across his experience as a service to him. That wasmediation, getting him to see his experience in a way that would alter hisbehavior.

Admittedly,my experiencewas froma police perspective.But isn’twhat Idid alsowhatwe dowhenwe dealwith our children,whether trying to keepthemoffdrugs,getthemtocomeinearly,getthemtotakeoutthetrash,orgetthemtostudy?Weneedtosoundasifwecare,keepouregosoutofit,findtheright words to reach them, and present options that will have a powerfulinfluence.

Ifyoustartmastering the threegreat artsofcommunication,backedby theFive-Step Hard Style, you’ll be able to interact professionally with anyoneanywhereunderanycircumstance.

16

WhatMakesThisAllSoDifficult

ONEOFMY goals is to raise your expectations of yourself so you can becomebetter tomorrow.Youcan learn to takemoreverbal abusewithgreater style ifyoubegin to seeyourselfasaprofessionalwho treatspeoplewithdignityandrespect. You can become a Verbal Judo expert, someone who can not onlyrepresentandtranslate,butwhocanalsomediate.

What makes communication so difficult is another of my undeniable,inarguable, street-survival truths: When two people are talking, six differentidentities are involved—each person’s real self, each person as he is seen byhimself,andfinally,eachpersonasseenbytheother,doubled.

Thewaytheotherpersonseeshimselfismonumentalforyoutounderstand.I’ve never had anyone say, “I’man idiot. I’moff thewall. I’m a jackass. I’mstupid, illiterate, and dumb, but here’s what I think.” People don’t go aroundthinkingthey’reirrational,especiallywhentheytrulyare.Soneverputapersondown.Focuson thegoalofgainingvoluntarycompliance,andalwaysallowapersontosaveface.

Weknowtheleastaboutourrealselves.That’swhywemustdealwithhowwe see ourselves. Our real selves may consist of where we come from, ourbeliefsandvalues,andthewaywe’reraised.Butourselvesasweseethemwillbebogusunlesswemakeaneffort toreallybehonestand introspective. Ifwedon’t, wewill always have areas that can be exploited and canmake us lesseffectivethanwecouldbe.

Thewayweareseenbyothers isvital,becausewehavea lot tosayaboutdetermining that. If you consider yourself a professional, you will exudeprofessionalism. (One of the reasons I avoid bad-mouthing and humiliating

peopleisthatIdon’tlikemyselfwhenIdoit.It’snowayforaprofessionaltoact.)

Whendealingwithsomebody inabusinessora lawenforcement situation,youmaybethinkingI’mhandlingthiswell.I’mfirm,fair,andprofessional.Butiftheotherpersonseesyouaspushyandaggressive,asineffective,biased,andintemperate,wheredoesthetruthlie?

Unfortunately,itlieswithhowyou’reseenandnotwithhowyouseeyourself—evenifyouareright.Icanproveit.SayI’mtalkingtoyouaboutaproblem,andIthinkI’mhandlingyouwell.Youdonotthinkso,sowhatfeedbackareyougoingtogiveme?Youaregoingtoreactbasedonhowyouseeit,notonhowIseeit,andthenIwillhavenochoice.Icandealonlywithhowyouseeit,evenifI’mright.Otherwise,youmighthitmeupsidethehead.I’dbesurprised,andyoucouldflee,allbecauseIwasconcentratingonmyviewof theencounterratherthanyours.

What if that happens in the businessworld?You get a letter of complaint.Someonesaysyou’reineffective.Someonecomplainstothemanagerandyou’resurprised.Ifyou’veeverbeensurprisedbyacomplaintaboutyourperformance,you need some survival skill. Effective communication begins and ends withyourabilitytoseeyourselfasyouareseen.Youdesperatelyneedtheabilitytoread an audience and to sense from their voice and body language whetheryou’recomingacrossthewayyouwantto,soyoucanadjust.

So,themostimportantofthesixselvesinvolvedinanytwo-personencounterisyouasseenbytheother.Youneedtodevelopincreasinglysensitiveradartoknowhowyou’recomingacrosswhileyou’reperforming.

ELEMENTSOFCOMMUNICATION

From the receiver’s point of view, there are three elements of communicationfromwhichhewill takehiscues.The truth,which lies in thecontentelement,carriesaweightofonly7to10percentofyourtotalimpact.Yourverymessage,which you may see as the most important part of the process, is the least-consideredfactor.

Yourvoicecarriesaweightof33to40percent.AndwhatIcallyourONVs,othernonverbals,makeup50to60percentofyourimpact.Onthephone,whereyour ONVs can’t come into play, content remains at 7 to 10 percent of yourimpact,whilevoicemakesuptherest.Thinkaboutthat.Thegoods,thetruth,the

pointintheseencountersisalmostirrelevantcomparedtoyourvoiceandbodylanguage (ONVs)! The facts don’t speak for themselves in court, in an arrestsituation,inyouroffice,orathome.Peoplearen’tbuyingwhatyousay;they’reconcentratingonhowyou’resayingit.

Inspiteofthat,youstillhavetoberight,becauseshouldyoubewrongaboutasingledetail,you losecredibility.Losecredibilityandyou losebelief.Whenpeoplestopbelievinginyou,youlosepowerandinfluence.You’rehistory.

BABY,IT’SYOU!

Ifvoiceissoimportant,whatdoImeanbyit?Noguessworkhere.Voiceisyourverbalpersonalityasheardbytheother.Rememberthefirsttimeyouheardyourvoiceonataperecorder?Likemostofus,youprobablysaid,“Hey,thatdoesn’tsoundlikeme!That’snotme,isit?”

Bad news: That’s you, baby! That’s you with the monotone voice, thegravellyvoice,thecondescendingvoice,theunpleasantvoice.Ifourvoicesareaspowerfulasresearchshows,we’dbetterknowasmuchaswecanaboutthem,andhowtoimprovethem.

Therearefourelementstovoice.Thefirst,tone,isthemostdeadlyfour-letterwordIknow.Toneofvoicehascausedmoreviolence,moredivorce,morelostcourtcases,morelostbusiness,andmorebrawlsthananythingelseIcanthinkof.

Why is tone so powerful? Because it conveys your real attitude towardpeople.Toacustomeryourwordsmaybe,“Yes,sir,I’mdoingeverythingIcantohelpyou,”butifyouhaveanegative,condescendingtoneofvoicetogowiththem, doyouknowwhat the customer hears? In hismindhe tacks somethingonto the endof that sentence that has come through so loud and clear that hebelieves you said it. He hears, “I’m doing everything I can to help you, youidiot!”

If you’ve ever been puzzled by a complaintwhere somebody claimed youcalled him a nameyou had not, in fact, called him, this iswhy.He heard thenameimpliedbyyourtone,andhehearditsoclearlyhe’llswearyousaidit.

The onlyway to be careful enoughwith your voice to keep its tone fromgiving awayyour true feelings is to be sure there’s harmonybetween the roleyou’re playing and the voice you’re using. I’m convinced that if there is anyconflict between your role and your voice, people will always believe yourvoice.Thatmeansyoumustharmonizethetwo,andthat,unfortunately,means

thattherearetimeswhenyourvoicemustlie.I’mnottalkingaboutspeakinganuntruth.I’mtalkingaboutcamouflagingatonethatwouldotherwiserevealyourtruefeelings.

You’reacopanda ladyasksyoufordirections to theconventionhall.Yousnap,“Ma’am,you’restanding right in frontof it!”Whatdoesshehear inhermindattheendofthatsentence?“...youfool!”

Now you know she didn’t miss that tone. If she’s a Nice Person, she justtakesthatinsultandgoesaway,feelingbad.She’llsay,“Thankyou,”andwalkoff,thinking,Gee,Ithoughttheyweresupposedtohelpme.

If she’s a Difficult Person, she’ll say, “Hey, thanks a lot, Officer! Reallyappreciate that!Letme tellyousomething. I’vehad itwithyoupeople.”Nowshe’sinyourface,andshewantsyourbadgenumber.You’reindeeptrouble.

Ifshe’saWimp,you’reevenworseoff.Shetakestheinsultandsays,“Thankyou,” but while she’s at the convention she’s sitting on that insult, and it isinflating herwith righteous adrenaline. She’ll be thinking, I should have saidsomething.Thisisoutrageous!Idon’thavetoputupwiththis.

Thiswomanwhowent in at eightypounds is now fourhundredpoundsofadrenaline.Shedoesn’tgotothepartyshewasinvitedto,shegoeshome.Shereachesforherphoneorforherstationery,andyouhaveyourselfacomplaint.Nicegoing!Youdidyour job.Yougaveher the correct information, but yourtoneundercutyourwork.

AROLEISAROLEISAROLE

Think how many roles we play in a given day. As a police officer I playedenforcer,goodguy,badguy,reportwriter, informationdispenser, touristguide,investigator,employer,supervisor,andsoon.Regardlessofyouroccupation,atdifferent times during the day you’re probably playing mediator, translator,salesperson,customerservicerep,complaintdepartmentchief,andsoon.

Howwouldyou,nearlyanexpertatVerbal Judobynow,havehandled thelady asking you for directions to the convention center—the one she wasstandinginfrontofatthetime?

First,you’reachameleon,soyouputontheappropriateface.Shemaybeadingbat,butshe’snotaspeeder,notacriminal.Shemaybeanuisance,butshe’sa citizen, a constituent. So you smile. And you say, “Ma’am, you’re in luck!Turn around and you’re there. As you go through themain entrance, take animmediaterightandheadtoGateB.That’llgetyouinsidethequickest,okay?

Youhaveyourselfaniceeveningnow,andthanksforstoppingby.”Now,ifinrealityyou’reaDifficultPersonandacynic,andyoujusthaveto

makefunofher,wait tillsheturnsaway—hopefullywithasmileandathank-you—andyoucansaytoyourpartner,“Idiot!”Justdon’tsayittoher.

THREEOTHERELEMENTS

Besidestone,yourvoicehasthreeotherelements:pace,pitch,andmodulation.Pace,ofcourse,isyourspeed.Pitchishowhighorlowandhowloudandsoftyouspeak.Andmodulationisyourrhythmandinflection.

If you want to calm somebody, modulate your voice as you assure him,“Listen,it’sgoingtobeallright.”That’sawholelotdifferentthan“Listen!I’mdoingeverythingIcan,socalmdown!”

Cops also listen to pace and pitch to tell themwhether people are gettingmoreupset or coming to adecision thatmaynot begood. If someone’svoicepicksupspeed,watchout!He’sgettingexcitedandsomethingmayhappen. Ifthevoiceslowsdown,he’sthinking,whichmaybepositiveornegative—sobecareful.

If cops can tell thatmuchby someone else’s voice characteristics, imaginewhatotherscan tell fromyours.Correctandappropriate tone,pace,pitch,andmodulationcanhelpyouharmonizeyourvoicewithyourrole,andyouwillbesuccessfulcommunicatingwithpeople.

PROXIMICS

Proximicsisafancywordforproximity,orthewayyoustandaroundandcarryyourself inyour space. If50 to60percentofyourpower andeffectiveness inface-to-faceencountershastodowithyourONVs,itonlymakessensetoworkonyourfacialexpressions,howyouuseyourhands,andhowyoucarryyourself.

YourONVsmustharmonizewithyourvoice.Ifyourvoiceiscalming,yourdemeanor has to be calming. Otherwise, people will not believe what you’resaying.Remember,93percentofyoursuccesswithpeoplehastodowithyourdeliveryandonlytheslightestpercenthastodowithwhatyousay.

A mediocre idea brilliantly presented often gains acceptance, whereas abrilliant idea badly presented often dies in birth. Your success with your

children,yourspouse,youremployees,andthepublichingesonhowyoucomeacross.Thinkofyourselfas thepersonwhocanmakeorbreakyouraudience.Yourpowertopersuade,tocombineandharmonizeyourvoicewithyourothernonverbals, can transmit the message: “I’m here to serve you,” because youconvinceyourhearerthatyoucareaboutwhatyou’resaying.

LIGHTS,CAMERA,ACTING!

Thepresentationofselfisterriblyimportant.IfIhadmyway,I’dsendeveryonetoactingschoolbeforehavinghimorherdealwiththepublicandperformeightto ten hours a day. But that’s not feasible, so stay with me, pick up on theprinciplesandtacticsofVerbalJudo,andyouwillfindyourselfmoreeffectivealmostovernight.

17

Readin’,’Ritin’,andRhetoric

TO BE A good persuader, you have to learn to read your opponent and thesituation.MuchlikemyoldIndianmentortaughtmetoreadatrailwhenIwassixor sevenyearsold, Iwould like to teachyou to readpeople and sizeupaverbalencounter.

BecausemydoctorateisinEnglishliterature,aclassicaldiscipline,Ifeeltheneedtoputthingsinrhetoricalperspective.Butdon’tfeelintimidated.I’malsoan earthy guy. Highfalutin as it may sound, rhetorical perspective is easilydefinedandhelpsputhandlesonthesubjectofthischapter.Rhetoric is an interestingword often used in themodern idiom tomean a

bunchofwordsandnosubstance, suchas“That’s just rhetoric.”But thewordhasclassicalroots.UsedbyAristotle,itwasawordofdignity.Itmeant“theartofverbalappealorverbalpersuasion.”

Tome, rhetoric is theartof finding the rightmeansand the rightwords togeneratevoluntarycompliance.RhetoricisVerbalJudo.

THETHIRD“R”

RhetoricwasactuallyasubjecttaughtintheAmericanpublicschoolsystemupuntil about 1940 or so, and I, for one, wouldn’t mind seeing it return to theclassroom.Eveniftheconceptisforeigntoyou,openyourmindtoit.Iwanttogiveyouarhetoricalperspectiveoncommunication,persuasion,andgeneratingvoluntarycompliance.

I havedeveloped an acronym—PAVPO—which I agree is kindof anugly-sounding one, butwhich is also very serviceable. If you can lock it into your

mind,itwillhelpyoumemorizethefivecomponentsofwhatIcalltherhetoricalperspectiveofVerbalJudo,someofwhichIhavealreadydiscussed:

PerspectiveAudienceVoicePurposeOrganizationIfyoucandevelopandusearhetoricalperspectiveinyourdailylife,you’ll

befarmoreskillfulandeffectiveasacommunicator.

Perspective

Perspectiveissimplythewayyouseethings,yourpointofview,basedonyourknowledge, your understanding of the situation, your background, and yourexperience.Youhavetoknowwhatyou’retalkingabouttoeitheragrouporanindividual.Thatmeansyouhavemasteredyourpolicies,yourprocedures,yourproducts,whatyoucanandcannotdo.

Toomanypeoplebelievethatpreparingwhattheywanttosayistheend-allofeffectivecommunication.Asimportantasthatis,disregardingtheotherareasisanerror,as Iwill showyou.But first letmeaddress this issueofyourownpointofview.

Themore thoroughly you knowwhat you know, themore powerfully youwill present it. You will have an aura of certainty that comes only withpreparation.Thereisnosubstituteforknowingwhatyouwanttosayandhavingthedatatobackitup.

Forexample,ifIgobeforethecitycounciltoappealformoremoneyformybudgetarea,Iwillspendwhattimeisnecessarygatheringmydataandcreatingchartsthatcomparemydepartmentwithothers.Myevidenceandargumentswillbe allmarshaled. Iwill beprepared to controlmyemotions andbiases and topleadmycasefromapositionofstrength.

Myperspective,basedonmyexpertise,will come throughbecause IknowwhatI’mtalkingaboutandI’mundercontrol.

Audience

Manypeople,aftertheirpreparation,justgooutbeforeanaudienceandbegintospeak,butthat’sacrucialblunder.Youmustspendequaltimeconsideringyouraudience,analyzingtowhomyouwillbespeaking.

Who are these people on the city council, for example? If there are eightpeopleonthecouncil,Imuststudyalleightindividually.Whataretheirvalues,theirbeliefsystems?Howdotheythink?Whoaretheirconstituents?Whatwilltheirobjectionslikelybe?

Ihavetothinkcarefullyfromtheirpointofview.Onceagain,thatpowerfulwordempathycomes intoplay. Iwant to think like theothers,putmyself intotheir shoes, anticipate their reactions based onmy knowledge of the positionsfromwhichtheywillbelistening.

Depending on my reading of these people I may open differently. Forexample, if Iknowthat they’rehighlyanalyticalpeopleor thatat leastseveralare antagonistic, I will probably open with a series of examples of datacomparison,factuallyshowingthatmyneedformoneyisreal.

IfIhavedeterminedthereisnoonethathighlyanalyticalintheaudience,Imighttryanotherapproachaltogether.Ifit’skindofagoodol’boycitycouncil,Imightstartoutbeingmuchmorechattyandinformal.Iftheyareself-righteousandseemeasanunderlingwhoshouldbedeferential,I’llbethatandmaybealittle self-effacingwith some self-deprecating humor.When they’re impressedandknow that Iknowmyplace, Iwillearnestlyprovemyneed for fundsandhopeforthebest.

Whetheryou’respeakingtoaroomfulofcitizens,acitycouncilofeight,orjust one disgruntled customer, you are onstage.You are playing a role beforeothers,andyoushouldbeawareofthedynamicsofeachsituation.Forexample,when I teach Ioften suddenlypull acameraoutofmybagandpoint it at thestudents.

Immediatelytheroomchanges.Everythingbecomesstillandsilent,andthenthere’s some nervous giggling, people looking down, otherswarily looking atthatcamera,wonderingwhatI’mdoingwithit.Thinkofyourselfasthatcamera.Asyouenterascene,itchanges.

Youcanmaketwoassumptionsrightoffthebat.First,peoplewillalwaysseedifferently than you. I don’t carewhether you’ve beenmarried two or twentyyears, your spouse does not think theway you do. Themoment you begin tobelieve thatheorshedoes,you’reheadedforproblems.Neverassumepeoplearegoingtoagreewithyou100percent.

Second,asyouenter,you’reverymuchlikeanactorappearingonstage.The

audiencequietsandtheywatch.WhenIwalkedintoabarasapoliceofficer,thewholeplacehushed.People

whispered,“Cops!”or“Thepolicearehere.”People’sbehaviorchanged.Theytriedtosurreptitiouslyhidecontraband,andsay,“Ohyes.Evening,Officer.Ohyes.Evening.”Even if theywereclearlyup tonogood, theyweredoing theirbesttoappearotherwise.

Not only did they change as I entered the bar, but they also watchedme.Again,itwasasifIhadwalkedonstage.TheywatchedasIperformed.

Youmustthinkofyourselfasaperformer,whetherbeforeyourchildren,yourspouse, or your constituency (citizens, customers, whomever). If you can seeyourself as someone who is there to make changes as you act, you willunderstandamost interestingpoint, firstmadebyAristotle, that audiencesaremade,notfound.

Ifanactordoesapoor joband theaudiencesayshe’s terrible, itmakesnodifference that the actor thinks he did a brilliant job. How he sees himself,remember, is not as important as how he’s seen. If an audience thinks you’reboring,youare.Ifanaudiencethinksyoudon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout,youdon’t.You’vegotaproblem.You’vefailedtoperforminsuchawayastogettheirattention.Morethanlikelyyoufailedtoanalyzeinadvancewhothosepeoplereallyare,whattheymightthink,whattheymightanticipate,whattheirobjectionsmightbe. Ifyouhad, thenasyouentered the scene,yourwalkandyourvoicewouldhaveappropriatelymatchedtheirneeds.

Voice

SeeChapter16.

Purpose

Purpose is, of course, your bottom line: the result you must professionallyachieve. If you do everything else right and don’t achieve your purpose,obviously, you’ve failed.You’d be surprised at the number of peoplewho gointoapresentationoranargumentconcernedonlywithpreparing,orknowingtheiraudience,orusing theirvoiceproperly,andbeingsatisfied that theyhavedone all these things—only to realize later that they did not achieve theirpurpose.Ifallyoucareaboutisthemeansandnottheend,you’llbethrilledif

you perform well. As for me, I’m into results. I want to see the purposeachieved,evenifeverythingelsedoesn’tgoperfectly.

If, however, you have a handle on perspective, audience, and voice, yourpurposewilllikelybefulfilled.Onewaytoensurethatyou’llbeeffectiveistoconcentrateonthelastletterinmyhomely,buthopefullyeffectiveacronym.

Organization

Organizationissimplyhowyouwanttheencountertounfoldfrombeginningtomiddletoend.Theresponsibilityfororderingtheeventisyours,andyouwill,ofcourse,organizeitbasedonyourreadingofthesituation.

NowheredidIlearnmoreclearlytheimportanceofthiscomponentthanonthestreetsasacop.Letmeuseyetanotherpoliceexample,becauseIbelieveitis easy to transfer the principles to your situation. Police work represents theessenceofVerbalJudoinstarkclarity.Inotherwords,ifitdoesn’tworkonthestreet,youcan’tuseitathomeorattheoffice.

Taketheaverage,everyday,nonfelonycarstop.Atonetimeoranotheryouhave likely been stopped by the police, so you can identify with this andcompareitwithyourexperience.

The average police officer not trained in tactical communication tends toapproachacarandimmediatelysnap,“Letmeseeyourdriver’slicense!”

Towhichthedriveroftenresponds,“Why?WhathaveIdone?Whyareyoustoppingme?”

Notice thatall the initialverbalconflictarises fromthe fact that theofficeraskedfor thedriver’s licensefirst.What ifheaskedfor it later,anticipatedthequestions,andansweredthembeforetheywereasked?(Oneofmypetpeevesistheofficerwhostudiesthelicenseandthenasks,“DoyouknowwhyIstoppedyou?”What is that?Aquiz?Most fully functioningadultsknowasetupwhenthey see one.Who’s going to give himwhat he needs to write a ticket? Theobvious answer, even if you have an ideawhat youmight have done, is “No,whydid you stopme?”What does the cop expect?Surely not an answer like“Yes,Officer, Iknowwhyyoustoppedme.Iwasspeeding,drivingrecklessly,ignoringstopsigns,anddrinkinginthecar.)

However,IteachacrossthecountrywhatIcallaNine-StepCarStop.Ithasafardifferentorderfromthewaymostofficersaretrained.Itgoeslikethis:

1.Greeting.“Goodevening,sir/ma’am.”Isayitwithsincerityandasmile.More than likely I’m dealing with a normal citizen, not a dangerous

criminal.PleasantlyIbreaktheice.2. Identificationofyourselfanddepartment. “I’mOfficerThompsonof

theHomeTownPoliceDepartment.”ThatshouldmakemesoundasifIknowwhat I’mdoing. I’mestablishingcommandpresence,clarity, andanunafraidapproach. I’veofferedmy title (officer),myname,andmyauthority(thenameofmydepartment).

Weknowfromresearchthatwhenyougiveyourname,youpersonalizetheencounter to the point where you can expect less verbal abuse. Once I havegivenmyname,itbecomesharderforthecitizentostartcallingmenamesandtreating me like some abstract, uniformed, unknown authority person. Nameshaveawayofcalmingpeople.Toooftenweusenumbersandtitlesratherthannames. Ina store,doesn’t ithelp if theclerkat thecounter introduceshimselfandsays,“Hi,I’mBill.HowcanIhelpyou?”

3.Reason for the stop. “The reason I stoppedyou is that I did paceyouover the lastfourblocksatforty-fivemilesperhour ina twentyzone.”Notice I’ve given the reason right up front, even before asking for thelicense.ThenImoveimmediatelyintothenextstep.

4. Justification. “Is there some reason for such excessive speed thisevening?”Normallytheanswerisdeadsilence,becauseit’shardtosayanythingwithoutconvictingyourself.But ifyou’rebleedingand takingyourselftothehospitaloryourwifeishavingababyinthecar,therejustmightbe justification forexceeding thespeed limit. Insuchacase, theofficerwill escort you to your destination as quickly as is safe.When,however,thereisnoanswertothejustificationquestion,Icangorightontothenextstep.

5. Request license, papers, and cooperation. “May I see your driver’slicense?”

Bynowtheencounter,ratherthanstartingasusualwiththisthreateningstep,sounds more like “Good evening, sir/ma’am. I’m Officer Thompson of theHomeTownPoliceDepartment.ThereasonIstoppedyouisthatIdidpaceyouover the last fourblocksat forty-fivemilesperhour ina twentyzone. Is theresomereasonforsuchexcessivespeedthisevening?Ifnot,Iwillneedtoseeyourdriver’slicense.”

Not only does that sound polite, but notice that also there is a commandpresence. I sound knowledgeable, I sound clear, I sound professional. Alsothere’snopersonalchallengeorasnappingatthecitizen.

Perhapsmostimportant,lookwhatthedrivercannolongersay.

“Whyareyoustoppingme?”I’vetoldhim.“Whodoyouthinkyouare?”I’veeventoldhimthat,andit’snotwhoIthink

Iam;I’mactingundertheauthorityofthecity.By anticipating certain kinds of abuse and questions, I have ordered my

presentation to deflect them. I have taken those weapons away from myopponentandmadehimlessofanopponentandmoreofanally.Ibasicallyhavesoundedprofessionalwithouthavingangeredthecitizen.

Askindandprofessionalasthatapproachis,itisalsoveryforceful,andthesefivestepswillusuallypersuadethepersontoproduceadriver’slicense.

6. Clarification. If there’s anything more I need to know (Is this yourcurrentaddress?IsthereanythingIcanhelpyouwith?),Iaskitnow.

7.Decision.Thereareonlythreethingsapoliceofficercando.Hecanwarnyouandletyougo,citeyouwitha ticket,ormovetotheoptionalnextstep.

8. Search and seize. This step is necessary only if the officer seescontrabandordiscovers thatyourcar isstolen,you’rewantedforsomeotheroffense,oryoucreateadisturbancebyphysicallyresisting.That,ofcourse,israre.

9. Close. My goal here is to effectively and appropriately close theencountersoyoufeelbetteraboutitthanyoudidatfirst.IfIissueyouaticket,Iwillsay,“Thankyouforyourcooperation.Dodrivecarefully.”IfIhavegivenyouawarning,Iwillsay,“Haveaniceday.”NoticethatIdon’tsay,“Haveaniceday,”ifI’vegivenyouaticket,becauseIjustcostyoumoneyandwouldthussoundsarcastic.

LookattheadvantagesoftheNine-StepCarStopandapplythemtoyourtypicalconfrontations.

It’spolite.Itnormallygeneratesvoluntarycompliance.Itsstructurecreatespresenceforyouanddeflectsverbalabuse.If this approach fails and abuse is still coming your way, you can

immediately switch to Step 2 (setting context) of the Five-Step HardStyleoutlinedinChapter12.Ifthatdoesn’twork,movetoconfirmation(“Is there anything I can say or do to get you to cooperate?”). If theanswerisno,youmusttakeaction.Ihopeitnevergetstothatpointforyou,unlessyouare in lawenforcement andhave all the resourcesyouneedtocoercecompliance.

This structured, professional approach should keep you safe and

sounding good, even when you may be having a bad day. Theprofessionalcommunicatorcan’tletbaddaysgettohim.Underpressure,theprojustgetsbetter.

That ninth step, the appropriate close, should be memorized to thepointwhereit’ssecondnatureandcanbeenactedevenwhenyoudon’tlike the person you’re dealing with. The ninth step keeps you safebecause you sound professional. It allows you to ignore your negativeinnervoice,whichwouldhaveyougive that speechyouwould live toregret.

BUTI’MACIVILIAN

Fairenough.Youdon’thaveatyourdisposal theuniform, the law, the tactics,theweaponsofacop.Yourproblemisnotaspeederoradangerouslawbreaker.Maybeyou’reinabusiness,dealingwithacomplainingcustomerwhoisclearlyoverreactingandoutofcontrol.

First,make it your goal, your business, towin the person over.Nomatterwhat is said, you’re going to deflect the abuse, not take it personally, remainprofessional, andkeepyoureyeson thepurpose.Youwantwhat thecustomerwants:satisfactionandahappyresult.Letnothingstandinthewayofthat.

Canyousee the transferableprinciplesfromPAVPOandevenseveral fromtheNine-StepCarStop?Youhaveperspectivebecauseyouhavemasteredyourpolicies,yourprocedures,yourproducts,whatyoucanandcannotdo.Youhavethatauraofcertaintythatcomesonlywithpreparation.Rememberthatthereisnosubstituteforknowingwhatyouwant tosayandhaving thedata toback itup.

Youhaveanaudienceyoumaynothavehadtimetostudy,buttakewhatevertimeyoucantoresearchthemanyway.Ifyou’reonthephonewithadisgruntledcustomer,trytobringtheaccountuponyourcomputerorstallforenoughtimetopullitfromthefile.Anythingyoucanlearnaboutthepersonortheaccountwillhelpinhowyoudealwithhim.“Ihopewecanstraightenthisoutforyousothatyoucanenjoy theproductasmuchasyouhave thegarden tractor. Is thatstillworkingoutforyou?”

Orifyouseeapreviousreturninthefile,youmightaskifthereimbursementarrivedinduetimeandapologizeforanydelay.

Clearlyyourvoiceinsuchanencountershouldbesoothingandauthoritative.You’reasapologeticasnecessary,asconfidentasyoucanbe,andreassuring—

insistingthatthecustomerfinallyhastherightpersonandthatbythetimeyouarefinished,actionwillhavebeentaken.

Your purpose was determined as soon as you silently set your mind tosatisfyingthiscustomer.Obviouslythereisalimittowhatyoucando,andthatlimitistheintegrityandwell-beingofyourbusiness.Butwhenyouknowwhatkindofdamageoneunhappycustomercando toa company, that expands thehorizonofpossibilities.Yourpurposeistoturnabadsituationintoagoodone,anunhappycustomerintoahappyone.Manymanagementexpertswilltellyouthatitisbettertohaveasatisfactorilyrepairedrelationshipwithacustomerthana relationship that has never had a hitch.Such results are talked about amongfriends,andpeopletakenotice.

Organization,you’llrecall,ishowyouwantthesituationtounfold.Thatisinyourhands.Don’tletthecustomerdictateit.Whenacustomerstartsraisinghisvoice or making accusations, that is the time to take charge. With your bestvoice,tellhim,“Iamabsolutelycertainwecanworkthisouttoyourcompletesatisfaction.”Thengoimmediatelyintoyourvariationofmycarstopsteps.“Myname is _____, andmy jobhere is to get to the bottomof just these types ofmatters.Letmetellyouwhatinformationwillbemosthelpfulinbeingsurethisistakencareof.”

Onceeverythinghasbeenclarified,youcanpresentoptions.“Basedonwhatyou’vetoldme,hereiswhatIampreparedtodo.Bypolicy,Icanrefundyourmoney, replace the item, or give you the appropriate credit in your account.Whichwouldbebestforyou?”

Theappropriateclosewill tellyouwhether thepersonhasbeencompletelysatisfied.“Willthattakecareofit?Isthereanythingelsewecandoforyou?”

WORTHMEMORIZING

Jot my rhetorical approach on a card and carry it with you until you havememorized it: PAVPO—Perspective, Audience, Voice, Purpose, andOrganization.

18

HowtoDiagnoseaVerbalEncounter

YOU’LLFINDI’Mbigonacronyms,anythingthatwillhelpmerememberwhattodoandwhenandhowtodoit.AnotheronethatcanhelpyoudiagnoseaverbalencounterandthusskillfullydealwithpeopleunderpressureisPACE:Problem(situation you’re in), Audience (to whom are you speaking), Constraints(obstaclestoeffectivecommunication),andEthicalpresence(yourprofessionalface).

PROBLEM

Howdoyousizeupwhat’sfacingyou?I answered a call onenight that amanwasholdinghis sonhostagewith a

knife.HisapartmentwassurroundedbytheSWATteam,andthemanwasinacornerabouttwentyfeetfromthedoor,holdingaknifetothethroatofhisson,whoappearedtobeaboutsixorsevenyearsold.

AsIapproachedthedoor,whichwaspartiallybarricaded, themanshouted,“Staywhereyouare,pig!I’llkillyouandtheboy!”

Istoppedandheldupmyhands.“Whoa!”Isaid,“I’mnotcominganycloser.What’sthematter,sir?”

Hesaid,“Ihavetokillmyboy.”Isaid,“Whatdoyoumeanyouhavetokillyourboy?Youdon’thavetokill

him.Therearemanythingsyoucandobesideskillhim,aren’tthere?”“No,I’vegottakillmyboy.”“Well,tellmeaboutit.”

Hesaid,“Myboy’spossessedofthedevil.Myex-wifewasashe-devilandshe poisoned his soul, poisoned his blood, and I’ve gotta blood-let him. I’vegotta cleanse him, cut his throat and cleanse him or the devil will take himforever.”

HereIam,aprofessionalatthedoor,thinking,Thisguy’scrazy.Clearly,Ihadaproblem,anditwasn’thardtodefine.Thecrazymanwasthe

problem,andmyjobwastotaketheknifeaway,savetheboy’slife,andarresttheman.The thing is, therearealways twokindsofproblems inanydifficultencounter: your problem, as you define it as a professional, and the problemfromtheotherperson’spointofview.

IfIhadstoppedatmyproblemandbegunmydiscoursethere,I’dhaveyetathirdproblem,biggerthaneitherofthetwoIhadalready.Isawthemanastheproblem;hesawtheboyastheproblem.IfIhadapproachedhimasifheweretheproblem,hewouldhavemerelydisagreedandresisted,andatworsekilledtheboyandmaybesomeofuscopsintheprocess.

This is the epitome of what I call the rhetorical problem: how the otherpersonseesit.Andhewillneverseeitthewayyoudo,especiallyifhe’scrazy(or under any other influence or delusion). I’ve learned the hardway that theonlywaytosucceedinthesesituationsistodefinetheproblemfromtheotherperson’spointofviewfirst.

Frankly,thefirstthingIsaidtothemanwaswhollyineffective.Isaid,“But,sir,waitaminute.Thebloodthatrunsintheboy’sveinsrunsinyours.Ifyoucuthis throat, that’s your identitygoing into the floorboards aswell as his.Thinkaboutit.”

He wasn’t buying. He screamed, “No! I said the blood was poisoned. It’spoisoned!”

So I came at him a differentway,with a new kind of appeal. “Butwait aminute!Whywouldyougiveyourex-wifepower?She’dlovetoseeyoukillthethingyoulovethemostinordertosaveit.Thatonlymakesherlookgoodandfeelgood.Butittakesfromyoutheverythingyoulove.”

I thought thatwas a pretty powerful argument because Iwas looking at itfromonlymypointofview.Icertainlywouldn’tkillsomeoneIlovedinordertosavehim.

Butmyapproachangeredtheman.Hezoomedfromaseventoanineontheemotionalscaleofonetoten.Goodwork,Thompson.Hejiggledtheknifeathisson’sthroatandsaid,“She’sadeadwomananyway.I’mgoingtokillherlater.”

FinallyIcametomysensesandbegantotrytoworkwithinsteadofagainst

theman. I said, “Whoa!Wait aminute!What if I told you, sir, that I knowapriest,whobyjustpassinghishandsoveryourboycangettheevilspiritsout?Thatway,youkeepthethingyoulovethemost,andyourex-wifeloses.”

He looked at me for a minute, clearly stunned. “Do you really knowsomebodylikethat?”

And I said,“Youbet Ido!Heowesmesome favors.Listen, letme talk tohimandseeifwecangethimhere.”

“ButIcan’ttrustyou,you’reacop!”Icandidlydidn’tknowwhattodowiththatatthemoment,soIdeflectedit

witha stripphrase. “Sir, I ’preciate that,but trust isnotan issueat thispoint.[Imagine theabsurdityof that!But itworked.] Ican’thelpyou. Istandbeforeyouunarmed for good reason.Only the priest can help you.”Tomake a longstoryshort,heputtheknifedown.

IfIhaddweltonmyperspective(thatthemanwastheproblem),eventhoughIwasright,Icouldn’thavehelped.IhadtoseetheproblemashedidsoIcouldseemtobeworkingwithhimtogetitsolved.Thatalsosavedtheboy’slife,somissionaccomplished.Whileitmayhaveseemedabsurdformetobuyintohiscrazinessofseeingtheboyastheproblem,Ididitforthegreaterbenefit.

AUDIENCE

Thequestioninthiscontextishowyouraudiencediffersfromyou.Whatmadethatmandifferentfromme?Howdidheseetheeventdifferently?Whatwerehisvaluesandbeliefs?Ofcourse,hewascrazy,butthatdidn’thelpmeanalyzethesituation.Thebigdifferencebetweenuswashisbelief system.Hewashighlysuperstitious. I have my superstitions, and with my history of an Indianinfluencing my childhood, attending a Quaker high school, and assimilatingEasterninfluencesthroughthemartialarts,Ihavemyownviewsofspirituality.ButsuperstitiousI’mnot.IhadtokeepthatinmindwhenInegotiatedwiththeman.

CONSTRAINTS

Justaboutanythingcanbeconsideredaconstraint,butinthiscase,clearlythisman’s rage, his brain damage, his influence, his belief systems, all were

obstacles. There is only one of three things you can do with a restraint: steparoundit, ignoreit,oruseit.I ignoredhishatredanddistrustofcops.I lethisthreattokillmeflyby(Remember,“Manthrowsspearathead,movehead...”).

Isteppedaroundhismistrustwithastripphraseandgot to theheartof thematter.Hadhebeenthinkingrationally,hewouldhaveknownthattrustwasthewholepointhere.WasIgoing tohelphimor thwarthim?Youknowwhatmygoalwas.

No,themajorconstraintwashissuperstition,andwhenIfinallytappedintothat,Ihadfoundtheanswer.Iappealedtoandusedtheverythingthathadmadehimdifficult to talk to in the first place. Inotherwords, if hebelievedblood-letting would take care of poisoned blood, he’d certainly go for a religiousceremonythatwoulddothesamewithouthurtinghisson.

Knowingwhatmakesyouraudiencedifferentfromyouallowsyoutoadapt,show empathy, andworkwith them. If they’re in left field, you’ve got to useleft-fieldlanguage.

ETHICALPRESENCE

Notice that throughout my dealings with the man, I tried to exude ethicalpresence,aconcern.Iwassaying,ineffect,“I’mworkingwithyou,sir.Listentome.”IfIcouldn’tconvincehimofthat,Iwasgoingtofailforsure.

Thatiswhyitissoimportanttokeepyourprofessionalfaceinfront.Showconcern at all times. Again, sometimes you’re bluffing, and frankly, I don’tapologize for misleading an easily misled crazy person who is a threat tosomeoneelse’s life. Ifyouconsideryourself a scrupulouslyhonestpersonandthinkI’madvocatingsituationalethicshere,you’reright.Butaskyourself:Ifacrazedmanwith a butcher knife broke into your house and asked youwhereyourbabywas,wouldyoufeelobligatedtotellthetruth?Ihopenot.

Thefactwas,Ididn’tknowapriest.Wedidgetthemanthepsychiatrichelphe needed, but I had said whatever I needed to to get that boy out of thattraumaticsituation.

Inspiteofthat,rememberthatinitseverydayapplicationVerbalJudoisnotaboutconningpeople.Conmenusewordstoraiseyourexpectations,andthentheyusethoseexpectationstocheatyoufortheirownprofit.

The goal ofVerbal Judo, on the other hand, is to benefit both parties in aconfrontation.UsePACEwithyourspouseandwithyourchildren.Useitinthe

workplace.Thenexttimeyouhaveanargument,beforeyoustartsnappingbackandusingyourwordstoaddressyourownfeelings,whynotstopandanalyze.What is the problem? How does my opponent see it? How is my opponentdifferentfromme?Whatconstraintsmakeitsodifficulttodealwithhimtoday?And remember to keep a concerned and caring face. That in itself is oftenenoughtodeflectabuse.

19

TheLanguageofReassurance

FANCYANDCOMPLICATEDresearchgoesintothesubjectofcommunicationallthetime, andmany experts consider it a complex topic.As the founder ofVerbalJudo, I am amazed at the simplicity of communication. Even I have had tocodify and systematize the discipline, but I’ve found that if you learn theunderlyingprinciples,youdon’tneedtoremembereverydetailofthetraining.

Consider the languageofcalmingpeopledown,whatIcall the languageofreassurance.Theremaybeahundreddifferentwaystocalmpeople,butIbelievethere’sonlyoneprinciplethatunderliesallthosetechniques.Itconsistsofthreewords—EmpathyAbsorbsTension—andoneofthem,asyouwillsee,isoneofmyfavoritehobbyhorses.

Ifyoucanprojectunderstanding,empathy,youwillabsorblikeaspongethetensionofyourchild,yourspouse,oranyoneelseyou’redealingwith.

WhenI say therearehundredsof techniques todo this, I’mreferring toallthoselittle thingspeopledothatprovethat itworks.Inotherwords,nomatterwhatapproachyouchoose, if the result somehowshowsempathy, tensionwillbeabsorbed,andyouhavebeguntosucceedinVerbalJudo.Can’trememberoneofmyacronyms?Dosomethingtoempathize.Forgotwhichstepcomesnextinalistofsuggestions?Empathize,empathize,empathize.Regardlesswhatyoudo,ifyoudon’tabsorbtension,youwillfail.Usethisbookasamanual,areminder,asource.Butgettheprinciplesclearlyinyourmindsothatwhenyou’reintheheatofbattleyou’redoingtherightthingevenifyou’renotgoingaboutit theprecisewayIoroneofmyinstructorswould.

You’d think Iwould havemywhole coursememorized, asmany times asI’vetaughtit.AndifIwereforcedatgunpointtoregurgitateit,Iprobablycould.

ButevenIfallbackonthebasicprinciplessometimes,whenthere’ssimplynoopportunitytocarefullyweighoptionsandremembersteps.

THECAPANDTHECARD

Iwasonthestreetforaride-alonginCaliforniaonenightwhenRon,thepoliceofficerIwaswith,arrestedasubjectonaminorfelonywarrant.Theperpetratorwasaboutsixteenyearsold.Atabout3:00A.M., theboy’smotherwasstandingonherporch,shoutingobscenities.Theofficer,oneofthemostskillfulI’veeverseen,putthekidinthecar,turnedtomeinthefrontseat,andsaid,“I’llbewithyouinamoment,George.”

FranklyIwishedhe’djumpedintothepatrolcarandweweregonebecausethe woman’s yelling had attracted more than a dozen angry neighbors. Theirsleephadbeeninterruptedbythesecops,whohad,intheirminds,hassledsomeinnocentkidthey’dseengrowuponthatstreet.Theycameoutsniffingtheairlike Doberman pinschers. It was as if they were asking themselves, “Is theresomethinghereforme?AnythingIneedtostickmynoseinto?What’sgoingonhere?”

I was tense because those people were surrounding the car. They weren’tsayinganything,butitwasanuneasy,potentiallyexplosivesituation.Suddenly,Ronwalkeduptothewoman,tookoffhishat,putitunderhisarmasifhehadallnight,reachedintohispocketforabusinesscard,andsaid,“Ma’am,listentome.My name is Officer Ron ______, and I’m with the ___________ PoliceDepartment.I’marrestingyourboybecauseIhaveto.Ihaveawarrant.IfIdon’tarresthim,theyarrestme.Butit’saminorwarrant,ma’am.

“Idon’t blameyou forbeingupset, because I have a son aboutyourboy’sage,andI’dbeupsettoo.Buthe’llbeoutinthemorning.Listen,don’tstandouthere tonight. Get some rest. Come on down to the police department in themorning,bringyourfriends,bringalawyerifyouwant.Yoursonwillhavebeenprocessedbythenandyou’llbeabletotalktohim.

“Andlook,ifanyonegivesyouanytroubledownthere,youcallmynumber,andI’lltakecareofit.Youdon’tdeserveanymoreproblems.Youhaveagoodnightnow.”

Heturnedandwalkedaway,puttinghishatbackon,andwedroveoffwhilethewomanwas thankinghim!Hersonwascuffed in thebackof thatcar,andshewasgrateful!

Iwasastounded!Thatwomanwason theporch,handsonherhips,mouthopen,virtuallyspeechless.Nomorevirulence,nomoreobscenities,shewasjuststaringaswepulledaway.Thepeoplewhohadsurroundedthecarwerequiet,everybody watching. I could have applauded. Imagine how much safer Ronwouldbeifhehadtogobackintothatneighborhoodthenextnighttomakeanarrest.

EverythingRondidshowedrespectanddignity.LaterIaskedhimaboutthehatandthecardbusiness.Hesaid,“Thehat’sanoldtrick,George.Isometimesforget to show proper verbal respect because I’m busy or we’re rushed. So Iwearthehat.Youtakethehatoff,itshowspeoplerespect.Themoredifficulttheneighborhood,themoreimportantrespectis.”

Inodded.“Whataboutthatcard?”Hesaid,“Thatcard’sinteresting,isn’tit?Numberone,whenIhandherthe

card,thatshowsI’maprofessional.ShowsI’mnotafraidaboutwhatI’mdoing.Second,eventhoughIinvitedhertocallmewithanycomplaints,youknowsheprobablywon’t. But still Imight hear from her. I’vemademore good felonyarrests over the years with those cards, ’cause I’ve left them all over thecommunity.

“Thatwomanisapt tocallmeayearfromnowandsay, ‘OfficerRon,yourememberme?YouarrestedmyboylastOctoberonthatminorfelonywarrant?Whyaren’tyououtherecrackingdownonthesepeoplesellingdrugsrightoutthe back door of number one-twelve every day between four and five in themorning?’

“Well, I thankher,andIgeton it,andusually thesepeopleareright.Theirleadsaregood.Thecardshavehelpedmecultivateabeat.”

Inoticedhesaid“cultivateabeat”not“runabeat,”andIthoughthowluckythatcitywastohaveaguylikeRononthestreets.

You may not wear a hat or even carry business cards. That’s why theprinciple is more important than the specific technique. Howmany ways aretheretoshowempathyandconcernandtoabsorbtension?

“CALMDOWNANDSPEAKENGLISH!”

Now a surefireway to escalate tension is to break a cardinal rule of calmingsomeone(byshouting,“Calmdown!”)andinsulthimintheprocess.Iinheritedaproblemthatbeganthatwayonenight.

IdroveintothepolicestationtobeginmyshiftwhenIcameuponanolder

officer trying todealwith a young Japanesegirlwhowashysterical.Shewascrying and shouting at him in unintelligible half Pidgin English and halfJapanese.Hewasupsetandshoutingrightbackather,“CalmdownandspeakEnglish!HowcanIhelpyouifIcan’tunderstandyou?What’sthematterwithyou?”

As soon as he sawmehe sawhis chance to finish his shift andget home.“Youthere!”hesaid.“Youcomeanddealwithher.Ihaven’tgotanyideawhatshe’ssayin’,andI’mouttahere!”

Then he was gone and she was in my face. Almost instinctively, becausetherecertainlywasnobookonthissubjectbackthen,Ireachedintomypocketand came out with my black book and pen and handed them to her. “Here,ma’am,”Isaidquietly.“Write.Writedownproblem.”

AsshegrabbedthebookandthepenInoticedthreethings.Numberone,shehadstoppedyelling.Youcan’tyellandwriteatthesametime.

Numbertwo,whatshehadinherhandswastangibleevidencethatsomeonehad time for her, cared about her,wanted tohelpher, andwouldworkonherproblem—whateveritwas.

Numberthree,Irealizedthatitdidn’tmakemuchdifferencewhatshewrote.Ifshecouldn’tmakeherselfunderstoodwhenshespoke,IdoubtedIwouldbeable to reada thingsheputon thatpage.Myguessandmyhopewas that if Icouldgetherbusyhelpingmegetthemessage,itwouldcalmherenoughthatIcouldmakesomesenseofit.

When she handed the book back tome, I playedmy Lieutenant Columborole.Isquintedatit,heldituptothelight,lookedather,nodded,lookedbackatit,andbasicallycounted to ten.My looking interested inwhatshehadwrittenseemedtocalmher.WhenIfinallytuckedthebookaway,Isaidinasfatherlyatoneaspossible,“What’samatter?”

By now she had calmed down enough to get three words out I couldunderstand.“Boyfriendinthere!”shesaid,pointingatourjail.

Imotionedtoherandsaid,“Come,come.Comewithme.”Itookherinside,foundoutthatherboyfriendhadjustbeenreleased,andwasabletotellher,“Nothere.Nothere.Gohome.”

Shewassograteful,thankingmeoverandover.Ididn’tknowitatthetime,butthatwasrealservice.Ihadusedatechnique,

makinguseoftactileobjectstoindicateconcern.Myempathyhadabsorbedthetension.

Howmanydifferenttechniquesaretherelikethebookandthepenorthehat

andthecard?PeopletowhomEnglishisasecondorthirdlanguagewillresorttotheir own tongue when they get upset. Their communication skills abandonthem,andit’suptoyouandmetofindcreativewaystocalmthem.IneverknewsuchthingswhenIwasteachingEnglish,becauseIdidn’thaveto.OnthestreetIhadtocomeupwithahundredsuchtechniques.

PRINCIPALLY,STICKTOTHEPRINCIPLES

When I studied physical judo and jujitsu I discovered that the fighting arts,which are complicated in terms of their numerous techniques, are also verysimpleintermsofbottom-lineprinciples.

Forexample,oneof themajorprinciples inempty-handcontrol is“Gotoaweakareawhengrabbed.”Inotherwords, ifsomeonegrabsyourwrist, turnitbacktowardhisthumb,theweakestarea.Youcanslipawayeasily.

That’smuch like the principle I’m talking about. Theremay be a hundredways to calm people, but the bottom line is, empathy absorbs tension. If youkeep that in yourmindwhen you dealwith your children, your spouse, or anangrycustomer,you’llbeable tousemyother techniqueswitheaseandskill.Youdon’tneedtoremembermyspecificsuggestions,becausewhateveryoudotoshowempathyandabsorbtensionwillberight.

Forinstance,awomanfriendofmine,picnickingwithherfamilyinaforestpreserve,cameuponascenewhereatoddlerhadwanderedoff.Hewasnotyettwoyears old, his parents each thought the otherwaswatchinghim, andhe’ddisappeared. The rangers had been notified and they immediatelywent to thepool and to a stream to be sure hewould not drown.Other volunteers begancombingthewoods.

But theyoungmother, panicky, turnedher angeronherhusband,whowasshaken. “How could you let him out of your sight?” she demanded. “He’s ababy!”

“YouthinkIdiditonpurpose?Ithoughthewaswithyou!”Thetemptationmighthavebeentoshushthesetwo, totell them,“Knockit

off!You’renothelpingfindyourchildbybitchingateachother!”Butmyfriendwaswise.Sheseparatedthemandcalmedthemother.Atotal

stranger, she approached thewife and embracedher.Shedidn’t know specificsteps,butsheinstinctivelyknewtheprinciplethatempathyabsorbstension.Shesaid,“WheneveroneofmybabieswanderedoffIfroze[immediateempathyandacalminginfluence, i.e., this isacommonoccurrence].TheonlythingIcould

dowastoturnmyfullattentiontofindingher,andIdidn’tgiveupuntilIdid.Andletmetellyousomething,Ialwaysfoundher[reassurance].”

Themother immediatelycame toher sensesand joineda searchparty.Thechildwas found shortly, having strayed to another picnic where a clownwasentertaining.Noonenoticedhimthereuntilthesearcherscamelooking.

My point is that following the exact steps and stages is less consequentialthanknowingtheprinciples.

20

HowtoFightFair

ALIFEOFpeaceandharmony isaworthygoal,and therearestill somepeoplewho think it’spossible to live thatway100percentof the time.Thisprobablywon’tbebignewstoyou,buttothemIsay,“Welcometotherealworld.”

A good, clean fight can change a negative situation to a positive one andreleasetension.Sometimes,youjusthavetogetintoitwithsomebodytocleartheair,don’tyou?Oneortheotherofyouisitchingforafight—I’mspeaking,ofcourse,ofaverbal,notphysical,tusslehere—andtheonlysolutionistohaveatit.

Keeping feelingsbottledup results in frustrationsbeingexpressed inweirdandinappropriateways.Haveyoueverwonderedwhyyouoryourspouseseembitchy and mean-spirited about things that seem to have nothing to do withanything?That’sadescriptionofsomeonewhoneedstodealwiththeissuesathand. A clean, effective verbal confrontation is designed to strengthen, ratherthan damage, a relationship. I want to teach you to express hostile feelingswithouthumiliatingordestroyingothersintheprocess.

FOURSTEPSTOAGOODDOMESTICDISPUTE

What’s the goal of a fight at home?Most people think it’s towin, but if youthink that, you’re brain-damaged. (How’s that for a nice,Verbal Judo samuraiway of breaking it to you?)But seriously, the goal is not towin, becausemyexperience is that you cannot win a domestic dispute. Oh, you may wintemporarily,butyou’llfindyourselfsleepinginthepickuptruckorapologizingthenextday.

No,thinkaboutit.Fightingisnotbad,ifyoukeepinmindthatthegoalistostrengthentherelationship,todrawyourselvescloserbyhavingthefreedomtoarguewithoutdestroyingeachother.

TheprototypeIrecommendtohelpyougenerateclosureandkeepthehighergoalinmind(long-termharmony)doesnotlenditselftoanacronym.Itsimplygoes like this: (1) Paraphrase. (2) Paraphrase again. (3) Refocus the other’sattention.(4)Saywhatyouwanttosay.

Let’ssayamanmarriesforasecondtimeandheinheritsfourchildrenfromhiswife’s firstmarriage. They’ve nowbeenmarried about twomonths, so hestill feels in a bit of a honeymoon glow, thinking things are moving alongswimmingly,despitetrippingovertheoffspringnowandthen.

Onedayhearriveshomeafteradifficultdayatwork,andhiswifehitshimwith “You know, I’mgetting sick of you.Every time you come home and sitdowntodinner,youdoeverythingyoucantopurposelyunderminemewithmychildren.Remember, theyaremychildrenandnotyours, and I’m fedupwithyourtryingtomakemelookbadinfrontofthem!”

Now notice that she broke a cardinal rule of Verbal Judo, using absolutephraseslike“Everytime...”and“purposely,”sohisfirstinclinationmightbetostrikebackwithVerbalKarate.Ifhedoes,they’vegotarealdonnybrookontheirhands.Hecouldsay,“Idonot!Ididn’tdothatlastnight.”Or,“HowcanyousayI’vedonethatonpurpose?Ididn’tevenknowIhadeverdonethat!”Or,“Whydidn’tyoutellme?AmIsupposedtoreadyourmind?”

Theguyisprobablyreelingforthereasonmostofuswouldreelinthesamesituation.We aren’t aware we’ve offended or have even been an irritation toanyone.Wegomerrilyaboutourbusiness,thinkingeveryoneisthrilledtobeinourpresence,onlytobeblindsidedbywhatwethinkarespurious,mean-spiritedcharges.

Here’swhatIwouldrecommendtothehusbandwho’sjustbeenbroughtbacktorealitybyhisnew,andfrustrated,wife.

1.Paraphrase

First employinga trustySwordof Insertion like“Whoa!” followwith“Wait aminute, darling [totally without sarcasm—you’re reaffirming your affection,even in the heat of battle, subliminally establishing that your goal is tomakethings right andmaintain the relationship].Letmebe sure I hearwhat you’re

saying. [Here comes the paraphrase.]You’re angry atme because you think IcomehomeeverynightanddoeverythingIcantopurposelyundermineyouinfrontofthechildren.Isthatthewayyoufeel?”

Noticehowdisinterestedisthetone;there’snocondemnationorput-downatthe endof that, impliedorotherwise. If I’m right,what thehusbandwill hearnext will be some sort of a modification, a softening of the original charge,becausepeople rarelymeanexactlywhat theysaywhen they’reangry.Oneofthe only reasons this would not be forthcomingwould be if the husband hadimplied in his paraphrase any sarcasmor undue emphasis onwords like “youthink.” If those arehit toohard, thewifemay react in anger, “I don’t think; Iknow!” On the other hand, the husband has to phrase it that way so he’s notadmittingthatwhateverhedidhedidonpurpose.

Ifallgoeswell,thewifewilllikelysaysomethinglike“Well,Idon’tknowifyoudoiteverynight,butyouhavesuredoneitthelastthreenights.”Nowit’stimeforthenextstep.

2.ParaphraseAgain

“Okay,darling,you’reangryatmebecauseforthelastthreenightsIhavecomehomeandpurposelytriedtoundermineyouinfrontofyourchildren.”

Nowhe’sapttohearyetanotherslightmodification.“Well,Idon’tknowifyoupurposelymeanttodoit,butyousuregotthejobdone!”

Withjustalittlecareful,lovingcounteraction,thehusbandhasalreadyseenhisdisgruntledwifelowerherchargefrom“youalwayspurposelydothis”to“atleastyoudiditthelastthreenightsandI’mnotsayingitwasonpurpose.”

That’sasignificantmodification.Shehasbeencooledahundreddegrees.Sonowit’stimeforthenextstep.

3.Refocustheother’sattention

Stillinaconciliatorytone,thehusbandshouldnowsaysomethinglike“Letmeaskyousomething.WhatspecificallydidIdothelastthreenightsthatledyoutobelieveIwastryingtoundermineyou?”

Afterapausewhileshethinksaboutit,hewilllikelybehitwithsomeseriousdata.“Well,youdidA,B,andC!That’swhatyoudid!”Nowhehassomethingconcretetoworkwith.

4.SayWhatYouWanttoSay

Now is themost crucial time in the argument.Thehusbandneeds to state hiscase, all thewhile convincinghiswife thathehas the relationship atheart. Inhimselfhemightwantonlytodefendhimself,toreactinangerforbeingwhathefeels is falsely accused. But he’s a Verbal Judo expert. He knows that if sheperceivessomething,it’strueinhermindandhehastodealwithit,evenifshe’swrong.

This is another of those times to bury the ego, take a lump or two, andconcentrateonpersuadingyouropponentthatyou’reasinterestedinpreservingtherelationshipassheis.

So, he says, “Let me ask you something, hon. Could we talk about thedifferencebetweenwhat Idoandwhat I intend todo? Ididn’tmarryyou twomonthsagotodestroytherelationship,butI’mdoingsomethingwrong.Canwetalkaboutit?”

Nowunlessthewifeisimpossible,he’sgoingtogetsomecooperation.Shewanted to be heard, and clearly he has heard her. Isn’t thatwhatmost peoplewantwhentheyyellandscream?Hisvoiceshouldsoundasthoughhecares.Heshouldbeusingeverythingheknowsaboutpaceandpitchandmodulationandtone.

Thebottom-linemessagethatwillturnthisfightintomakingupcomeswhenhetellsher,inoneformoranother:“Iloveyou.Idon’twanttomakeyoumad.Icertainlydon’twanttoundermineyouinfrontofyourchildrenorevenappearthatIam.I’msorry.Forgiveme,andtellmehowIcanchangesoyou’llknowI’mseriousaboutthis.”

Wheneverthereisadomesticconflict,oneofthepartiesisgoingtobemoredifficult than the other, more under the influence than the other, moreunreasonable just then. Spouses will often change roles depending on theirdistractionsandhowtheirdayhasgone.Oneday,he’stheangrybearandshe’stryingtoberationalandkeepthepeace.Thenextday,it’stheotherwayaround.

Tomeoneofthegreatsignsoftrueloveistheabilitytotakeoverandcoverfortheotherwhenheorsheishavingabadday.Thehopeisthatheorshewilldothesameforyouwhenyouneedit.

I’vebeenthroughenoughbrokenrelationshipstoknowIlearnedthisstuffthehardway.Simpleandlogicalas it is,nooneeversaid,“George,staycalm,donotexpressyourego.Paraphrase.Trytogetatwhatyourwifefeelsandmeans.

Seeifyou’vegotitrightbeforeyoureact.”ItwasonlywhenIbegantotransferVerbalJudotacticsandskillsfromthe

streettothehomethatIrealizedtheseprinciplescrossalllinesandbarriers.Youdon’thave tobea cop facingdowna junkie inanalley touseVerbal Judo toyourbenefit.Youcanuseitathome.

If you have burned bridges, alienated people, and lostmarriages, families,andcredibility,maybenowisthetimetostartusingthesetechniquestopreservesomerelationships.

Doesmyfour-stepmodelalwayswork?Willitguaranteealifetimemarriage?Ican’tsaythat.ButIbelieveitwillworkmostofthetime.Thekeylieswiththedepth of your sincerity,which is hard to combat. If you are committed to therelationshiptothepointwhereyouarewillingtoburyyouregoandgetatwhat’sreallybotheringyourspouse,trustme,thiswillwork.

21

TaketheGiantLEAPS

IHAVE IDENTIFIED fivebasic tools to generate voluntary compliance, and—youguessedit—theyfitintoanacronym:LEAPS.

ListenEmpathizeAskParaphraseSummarizeSomeof theseIhavealreadydealtwith indetail,andofcourseallof them

havebeenmentionedinoneoranotherrelatedcontext.ButinthischapterIwantto review the importanceofeachof these tools.Each isdistinct.Anytimeyoucommunicatewithanyone,you’reusingoneormoreofthese,notnecessarilyinany particular order. So, though I have fit them into the acronym for easierremembering,Idon’twantyouto thinkof themassequential.Rather, thinkofthem as ongoing, changing skills you must use to be effective with people,especiallythoseunderpressure.Let’stakethemoneatatime.

LISTEN

When you listen you’ve got to look like you’re listening. Project a face thatmakes it obvious. Frankly, if I had to choose between listening carefully andappearingtolistencarefully,I’doptforthelatter.Peopleoftensaythingsthatare

notworthhearing;you’veheardthemallbefore.Apersonmaynotevenmakesense.But themomentyoureyesglazeover as ifyou’reuninterestedordon’tcare,conflictcanerupt.Soit’sevenmoreimportanttolookinterestedthantobeinterested.

InChapter14 Idealtwith the four levelsof listening:Beingopen, literallyhearing,interpreting,andacting.Underscorethesebyprojectingalisteningface.

EMPATHIZE

Letmeclarifythatwhileempathizingessentiallymeansstandingintheshoesofanotheror seeing through the eyesof another, I’mnot suggestingyouhave toagreewiththatperson.ObviouslyIdidn’tagreewiththesuperstitiousmanwhoheldhisownsonhostageandthoughthehadtoblood-lethim.Buteveryoneisentitledtoapointofview,rightorwrong,justorunjust.Don’tagree;justtrytounderstandwherethepersoniscomingfrom.

Too many people confuse empathy with sympathy. You don’t have tosympathizewithor approveof another’s actionsorwords. Just empathize andseehowpowerfulitmakesyou.Don’tdoittobenice;doitbecauseit’stheonlywaytohituponaproperappeal.

Therearefourtypesofappealsyoucanmaketopeopletotrytogetthemtovoluntarilycomplywithyourwishes:theEthical,theReasonable,thePersonal,andthePractical.Empathizingwillhelpdeterminewhichofthesemightbemosteffectivelyinitially.

Ifyouagreethatasacontactprofessional,yourworkentailsbendingthewillof others at times, youwill also agree that theway inwhich you appeal to apersoniskey.Yourreputationandpowerdependsonhowwellyoucanskillfullymanageotherpeople’sbehavior.

Themost powerful professional presenceyou canproject iswith a straightEthicalAppeal.ThewordethicalcomesfromtheGreekethos,meaning“self.”In thiscase, it’syourpersona,yourprofessional service face.Becauseofyourrole and carriage and bearing, this approach is seen and felt by others andforcefullyestablishesyourcredibility.

Thinkoftheethicalappealasyourprofessionalfaceasyoupresentitandasit impacts upon another person. The ethical appeal is Step 1 in the Five-StepHardStyle(seeChapter12):Ask.Thewayyouasksomebodytodosomething,particularly tonally, establishes whether you want to help or are just there to

causeaproblem.IfIaskedaman,“Wouldyoupleasestepoutofthevehicle?”Imightgetmorecooperationthanbybarkingathimtogetout.Myvoicewouldindicateprofessionalismrightfromthestart.

Ifpeoplebelieveinyou,inyourservice,inyourdesiretohelp,oftenthatinitself is enough to generate voluntary compliance. The moment the peopleyou’redealingwithbegintothinkyoudon’tlikethem,orthatyou’reirritated,oryoudon’tlikewhatyou’redoing,youlosetheethicalappeal.

Then you have to solicit reason by moving to what I call the ReasonableAppeal.Becausepeoplearenotalwayslogical,especiallywhenunderduress,Ihaveabasicrulewiththisone:Neveruseitwhenpeopleareupset.Firstcalmthem,thentrylogic.Remember,underpressurecommonsenseisamosthighlyuncommoncommodity.

Whenyou’resettingcontext inStep2of theFive-StepHardStyle,youareusing the reasonable appeal. You’re saying, “This is policy, this is procedure,these are the grounds I have to stand on, these are my constraints.” Thisapproachalonewillcalmmanypeople.

Withtrulydifficultpeoplethethirdappeal,PersonalAppeal,tendstobemostpowerful.Why?Becausewiththisappealyou’reputtingwhatyouwantthemtodointermsofwhattheyhavetogainorlose.Aremostpeopleselfish?Youbettheyare.Sohookintotheirattentionspan.Veryfewpeoplewillgoagainsttheirown interests, including me. This appeal has been used effectively on menumerous times, especially when I’ve been upset at people in positions ofauthority.When they showmehowwhat they’redoingwill ultimatelybenefitme,theywinmeover.Verypowerful.

ThefourthappealisastrangeoneIcall thePracticalAppeal.Thisinvolvestheuseofoffbeatstrategies—likehumor,redirection,andrefocusing—thatwillgain voluntary compliance, provided they do not compromise your safety orintegrityorviolateyourorganization’spolicies.

When faced with resistance, try varying your appeal, but always displayempathy.

ASK

Thereisaprocessofaskingquestionsthatcanmakeyoumoreskillful.Ineverhadmuchtraininginaskingquestions,andIdoubtyouhaveeither.Mostpeoplehavenoideathatthereareactuallyatleastfivedifferenttypesofquestions.

Fact-finding(who,what,when,where,why,andhow)

Fact-finding questions ask for specific data. Most people are naturally prettygood at these because they often concern practical matters and require onlyclear-cutanswers.Buttheydon’toftenhavethebesteffectonpeople.

General

By definition, general questions are open-ended, for example, “What reallyhappenedheretoday?”Inreply,apersoncansayanythinghewants.Thisallowshimtochoosethedirectionofhisanswerandmakeshimfeelgood.

Opinion-seeking

Likegeneralquestions,opinion-seekingquestionsaskforanopinionandallowlatitude.Youmightask,“Istheresomewaywecansolvethisproblem?What’syourviewofhowweoughttogoaboutthis?”

This approach is very powerful, because most everyone likes to voice hisopinion. Even if you’re not terribly interested in the answer, ask anyway, andremembertolookinterestedandmakeitobviousthatyou’relistening.Youmaybesurprised.Thepersonmightevenhavesomethingprofitabletosay.

Direct

Direct questions are basically your yes and no questions. “Did you dump thegarbage on this man’s lawn?” “Did you go to so-and-so’s house?” “Did youspendthemoney?”

Thoughthequestionsmaynotinthemselvesbeantagonistic,toomanydirectquestionsinarowcanmakepeoplefeelmachine-gunned.IhadaproblemwiththiswhenIwasanewcopbecauseIwasmoreinterestedingettinginformationformyreportsthanIwasinbeingempatheticwiththoseinvolved.

Leading

Leading questions almost always anger people because essentially they put

wordsintotheirmouths.“Isn’tittruethat...?”Youneedtobeasstrategicaspossibleinyourquestioning,andIrecommend

twotactics.First, try setting context for people before launching into your questions. I

callit“forecasting.”Inotherwords,simplyexplainthedirectionandpurposeofyour questioning.Don’t just start firing questions. Say, “Friend, I have six orsevenquestionshere,mostlyconcerning thecauseofyour trouble. Iwonder ifyou’dbewillingtoworkwithmeandtrytoanswerthem?”Ifpeopledon’tknowhowmanyquestionsyouhave,whatthey’reabout,andthatyou’regoingtostop,theybecomeimpatientandtenserasyougoon.

It’s always appropriate to tell peoplewhatyou’re about. It calms themandmakesthemmorecooperative,andthatmeansthenatureoftheinformationyougetwillbefarbetter.

Second, vary your questions. This also lessens resistance and calms anaudience.Startwithaseriesofgeneralquestionstoloosenpeopleup, thenasksomeopinion-seeking questions.Gradually, naturally,move to themore directandfact-findingquestions.Resorttoleadingquestionsonlywhennecessary.

Ofmyfivetypesofquestions,thegeneralandtheopinion-seekingdomoretogeneratevoluntarycompliance than theother threeput together.Theymakeyouappearempathic,caring,open,andunbiased,whetherornotyoureallyare.Directandleadingquestionsangerpeoplemuchofthetime.

Themomentyouseeintheeyesofsomeonethatheisbecomingtense,youknow he’s probably feeling attacked. That’s the time tomove right back to ageneral question. The ability to fasten down on somebody and to lighten upwhen necessary by varying your questions is one of the great arts ofinterrogation.

It’salsooneofthegreatartsoftalkingtoyourchildren.Youknowhowfaryou getwith the typical “Howwas school?”Fine. “Well, howwas English?”Fine.Trysomeothersofmyfivetypesofquestions,especiallywithteenagers,oryoumayneverextractinformationfromthemuntilthey’readults.

PARAPHRASE

Whensomeonecomesatyouwithverbalabuse,forgetthetoneandtheemotion.Put thecomplaint inyourownwordsandplayitbackforhim.Evenifyou’vemisunderstood,hecansee thatyou’re trying,andhe’llwant tohelpyouget it

straight(seeChapter10formyFourteenBenefitsofParaphrasing,howtodoit,andseveralexamples).

SUMMARIZE

Summarizing is a different use of language altogether. By definition itmeanscondensing,takingallthat’sbeendiscussedandputtingitintoasimple,concisestatement.

I’velongbeeninterestedinwhysomepeopleconveyasenseofauthorityanddecisiveness thatothers lack, and I thinkoneof theclues lies in theway theysummarize.

Summarizingmusthavethreequalities.Itmustbebrief,concise,and,aboveall, inarguable. Let’s say as a police officer I stop five people fighting in thestreetandIlisten,empathize,ask,andparaphrase,andfinallyitcomestimeforme to make a decision. That decision statement, that declaration of what mychoice of action will be, must sound authoritative. People must know howseriousIambythewayIgoaboutmakingmystatement.

Imightsay,“Okay,gentlemen,ladies,listenup!You,sir,arefreetoleaveifyou leave rightnow.You two, sir andma’am,get inyourcarandhead south.Andyou,sir,youheadnorth.Youweren’tgettingalongwhenIcamehereandIwantyouheadinginoppositedirectionsbeforeIleave.And,you,you’reunderarrest.Placeyourhandsbehindyou.I’marrestingyouforsuchandsuchunderthepenalcodeofthestateof...”

Now, notice I’ve left no room for argument. Leaving the arrest until aftersending the others packingmakes clear that I know exactly what I’m talkingabout and that I will brook no more discussion. How I said it clarifies thatdiscussion is over. Much of summarizing is effected in the voice. You mustsound as if you have reached the end, and you are now, in your professionalcapacity, executing the conclusion of the matter. If you have preceded yoursummarywiththefirstfourtoolsinLEAPS,youraudiencewillhavebeenmademuchmorereceptive.

Anotherbenefitofsummarizingisthatitcanreconnectcommunicationwhenit’s been interrupted. Interruptions are one of the phenomena of modern-daycommunication. While you’re conversing, the phone rings. Or someone elsebuttsin.Tosimplyturnbacktotheotherpersonandpickupwhereyouleftoffwithoutanysummarizingbridge isamistake.By then theotherperson’smind

haswandered.He’snotanchored in the lastwordyousaid.Capsulizingwhereyouareatthatpointwillensurethatheonceagainbecomesagoodlistener.Thisformofsummarizingcantaketheformofsomethingassimpleas“Now,Jack,wewereonthesubjectofyourtardinessandyouweretellingmewhatyouweregoingtodotoremedyit.Isthatright?”

TheformerheadofLosAlamosNationalLabsoncetoldacolleagueandme,“Miscommunicationisthesandinthegearsofmoderntechnology.”Weallmakemistakes every day, but listening, empathizing, asking, paraphrasing, andsummarizingcangoalongwaytomakingyoumoreeffective.

22

ApplyingLEAPStoYourWorld

MOST NEW SUPERVISORS think they have to start talking, to dominate, todemonstrate their opinions. But this four-step approach can ensure greatercommunicationeffectiveness.

1.Ask.Askyourpeoplewhattheyfeel,whattheywant,orhowtheythinkthingsaregoing.

2.Listenactively.(RepeatSteps1and2asmanytimesasnecessaryuntilyoufeelyouhaveheardeverything.)

3. Reevaluate your position. Be sure of where you stand, based on yourpeople’s input. Don’t change your mind unless that is the right andappropriatecourse.Butdon’tbeafraidtodothat.Yourpeoplewon’tseeyouasweakandmanipulable;they’lladmireyourstrength.

4.Deliver the information.Getbeforeyourpeopleand tell themhow it isgoingtobe.You’reincharge.You’retheboss,butyoudon’thavetosaythat.Thedayyouneed toremindpeoplewho’s theboss is thedayyoushouldrealizeyouhavelostyourpeople.

Using the first three steps, you will be much more skillful. You havediscovered where the pockets of resistance are. You know what people arethinking. And you can say something like “Okay, ladies and gentlemen,yesterday I listened toyouand Iheardyou.Weagreeonagreatmany issues,and I’mglad you toldme aboutA,B, andCbecause Iwant to address thoseimmediately. About D, E, and F, I don’t have enough input or resources tohandlethematthistime,butI’maskingthefollowingpeopletogetbacktomeinthreemonthstoseewherewestandonthoseimportantissues...”

Youmaynothavechangedathing,butyouknowyouraudiencebetter.Youcan couch information in their language and appear more competent and intouch.

These four steps can help you be a great supervisor if you can avoid thecommontrapofjumpinginanddeliveringinformation.

ThefivegreattoolsofcommunicationinLEAPScansaveyouuntoldtroubleand create for you credibility which other people can’t destroy. You can feelgoodaboutwhatyou’redoing,avoidconflict,andraiseyourownestimationofyourabilityasaprofessional.

Othersoftenbasehowtheyfeelaboutyouonhowyoucommunicate.Asyoumastertheseskills,peoplewillbegintoadmireyou.ShortofbuildingaCharlesAtlasbodyandbeatingup thebullywhoused tokicksand inyour faceat thebeach,IcanthinkofnootherunequivocalmethodofachievingadmirationthanbymasteringVerbalJudo.

DON’TTHANKMEFORSHOPPINGHERE!

Maybeyou’vehadanexperiencesimilartomine.Yougotoacityoracountybureau with a problem. Maybe it’s your tax bill or trouble with your water,whatever.Butisn’titrarewhenyougetthefeelingthatthepeopleworkingtherecareaboutservingyou?Imean, that’snotonlytheir job—theirsolereasonforbeingthere—butit’salsowhatourtaxdollarsaresupposedtopayfor.

I know those people are there eight to ten hours a day and are listening tosimilar complaints all the time. But clearly no one has ever taught them tonumberone,keeptheiregosoutofencounterswiththepublic;numbertwo,findtherightwordsforthepersonthey’retalkingto;andnumberthree,servepeoplebyempathizingwith them.Inotherwords,makemyexperiencemorepleasantbythewayyouserveme.

Weshouldn’tbesurprisedatthesebureaucraticlapses,becauseeveninalotof our retail profit centers, where happy customers are repeat customers, wereceiveverylittlegoodpersonalservice.That’swhywetendtoteachformulastopeoplelike“Thankyouforshoppinghere.”(SometimesIthinkI’mgoingtoloseitifIhearthatonemoretime.)

I know it’s not the clerk’s fault. He or she has been trained to parrot thatphrase,justaswaitressesandwaitershavebeentoldtosay,“Enjoy,”whentheyslide a thirty-dollar meal under your nose. Or, “I’m Stacy and I’ll be yourserver.” Please! I love the idea of getting the name, but does anyone think it

makesmefeelspecialwhenIgetthesamepatteraseveryoneelse?Iwanttohearsomethinguniqueoratleastfreshthattellsmethey’rereally

gladI’mgivingthemmybusinessandthey’dliketomakemesohappythatI’llnotonlycomeback,butthatIwillalsorecommendtheplacetomyfriends.

The reason we provide formulas for people is that we don’t trust them tointeractwith the public.But certainly you, as I do, recognize a formulawhenyouhearone.IhatethembecauseIknowI’mhearingthesamethingeveryoneelsehasheardthatday.I’mnolongeranindividual.I’mnotreallybeingmadetofeelspecial.I’msimplygettingthecannedphrase,thepasted-onsmile,andthesingsongfarewellthateverybodygets.

There’snothingmoreirritatingthanstandinginalonglineandhearingeveryshopper get the standard, “Thank you for shopping here. Have a nice day!”Sometimesassoonasit’smyturnIbeattheclerktothepunch.Isay,“Whateveryoudo,don’tthankmeforshoppinghere!”

“But,but,sir,what’swrong?”AndIsay,“Treatmelikeanindividual.Thewomanwhojustboughtaboltof

silk and left the store ought to be thanked differently fromme.We aren’t thesamepeople.She’salittleoldlady,obviouslystillindustriousandindependent.I’m a middle-aged man buying a shotgun and shells. How about a differentmessageforeachofusthatshowsthatyoucare?Theonlythingwecustomershave in common is that we shop here and make you a profit and pay yoursalaries.” In truth Iwant to shout, “What’s thematterwithyoupeople?”but Iknowit’snottheclerk’sfault.

OFSILKANDSHOTGUNS

Clerksshouldbetaughttobereal,tobepersonal,tolookforthatuniqueaspectthatgivesdirectcontacttothecustomer.Thelittleoldwomanwhobuysaboltofsilkcouldbegenuinely thanked like this,“Hey, that’sabeautifulcolorchoice,ma’am. I hope you enjoy that. What are you making?” And after a briefinterchangethenthankthewomanforbuyingitwheresheboughtit,andremindherthatsheisguaranteedcompletesatisfaction.

Andhowaboutforme,theshotgunbuyer?“That’soneofthetopbrandswecarry, sir. Looks like you’re planning some serious hunting.” You think Iwouldn’tlovetotalkaboutthetripI’vegotplannedwithmybuddies?ThentellmeyouhopeIgottheserviceIrequiredatthesportinggoodscounterandtofeel

freetocallwithanyquestions.Thenthankmeforshoppingthere.Bythattime,I’llbethankingyouandmeaningit.

Butdon’tjustsay,“Thankyouforshoppinghere”andleaveitatthat.Treatpeoplelikeindividuals.

23

PersuasionforFunandProfit

DON’T EXPECT VOLUNTARY compliance just because you have a position ofauthorityorresponsibility.Generateit.Makeithappen.

The top communicators—the great cops, leaders, administrators, andmanagers—knowtheartofputtingthingsinsuchawayastomakepeoplemorecooperative.Theoldsamuraiusedtosay,“Toknowandtoactareoneandthesame.”ToparaphraseShakespeare,“Suit theword to thedeedand thedeed totheword.”Inotherwords,avoidthedisastroususeoflanguagebestsummedupintheoldChineseadage,“Controlyouremotion,oritwillcontrolyou.”

Oneofmyfavoritesamuraimaximssays,“Theangrymanwilldefeathimselfinbattle aswell as in life.”We live in themostdangerousof all eras.Wearelivingclosertogether;therearepeopleundertheinfluenceofdrugs,liquor,rage,fear,anxiety,ignorance,andstupidity;andviolenceiscommonplace.Thekeytooursuccess—nottomentionoursurvival—isourabilitytostaycalmandavoidtheangerthatmakesusineffective.

Theangerthatmademeineffectiveasacopwillalsomakemeineffectiveasabusinessman,anentrepreneur,ahusband,afather,aboss,aseminarleader.AsI’ve tried to make clear, I’m one of the original Difficult People. My firstreactiontostressistoconfront.Somebodycrossesme,watchout.I’mreadytodobattle.Fortunatelyorunfortunately,I’mwelltrainedforphysicalencounters.I’ve learned the hard way, though, that winning a battle at the physical levelmeanslosingthewarineveryotherrespect.

I’vefinallylearned,afteryearsofteachingthisstuffandseeingitworkonthestreets, that Verbal Judo is akin to fishing. I like to fish the high mountainstreamsandlakes,uptotenthousandfeetabovesealevel.IfI’mnotskillfulup

there,Ican’thookathing.AndifIdohookafish,Idon’tjustreelhiminasonewouldacarp.Ihavetoplayhimin.Iplayandreel,playandreel,playandreel.When I finally do land one, I get a great feeling of satisfaction andaccomplishment.That’salsohowIfeelwhenI’veencounteredDifficultPeople,people likeme.Developing themushin stateofmind, that calmcenter,meansregardingDifficultPeopleasachallengeratherthanascombativeadversaries.

Doesn’t itmake sense thatwe should develop amind-set that allows us tointeractwith thesepeopleskillfully, rather than letting themgetourgoat?Thesamuraiwarrior,whensurroundedbyattackers,wentabsolutelystill inside.Hepreparedhimselfbybeingstillsohewouldnotbecaughtbysurprise.Hecouldrespondtoanattackfromanydirection,nomatterhowunexpected.

Trainyourselftobefreeofbias,prejudice,andexpectation.That’seasiersaidthandone,ofcourse,andI’mthefirsttoadmitthatitisn’tsomethingthatcomesnaturally.There is aChineseword thatmeansboth“crisis”and“opportunity.”By remembering that, I am now able to like Difficult People, or at least toappreciate where they’re coming from and view them as challenges andopportunitiesratherthanobstacles.

Ifaguygetsinmyfaceandsays,“Ican’tdothisandIwon’tdothat,”Ijustlaugh inside and think,My kind of a guy. These are the kinds of people thatshapedAmerica.They are people of savvy, of backbone, of principle, ofwill.Thinkaboutit:AwholedayofNicePeoplewouldbeboring,butawholedayofDifficultPeoplemakesuswork.Theydrawonourskill,makeusflexourVerbalJudoskills,andleaveusfeelinggoodaboutourencountersaswesucceed.Letme recommend that you begin viewing the Difficult People in your orbit aschancestoproveyourmettleratherthanaspeopletoavoid.Difficultcustomersshouldbeinterestingandchallenging.

Notice that Difficult People cross all color boundaries and culturaldistinctions. The key to your survival is knowing the kind of person (Nice,Difficult, or Wimpy) you’re dealing with, and it should make no differencewhetherapersonisblack,white,Hispanic,orAsian.Idon’tcareifaperson’sahomosexual,atransvestite,orundecided.It’snotmybusiness.Icareonlywhathe’sdoingandmyabilitytoredirecthimforthebetter.

AVOIDINGTHEINNERVOICE

Oneofthewaystoaccomplishthetaskofredirectingbehavior,keepingcalmin

the face of Difficult People, and gaining voluntary compliance is to remainsoundingprofessional.Thatkeepsyousafeevenwhenyoumaynolongercareaboutsafety.Inside,yourvoicemaybesayingwhatyoureallywanttosay.Butoneofthelawsofeffectivecommunicationistoneveruttertheinnervoice.Theinner voice is almost always negative. Control it at all costs and you’ll findyourselfwayaheadofthegame.

PERSONALIZATION

Oneof the last thingsour innervoicewants todowhenencounteringDifficultPeople is to give our name. Yet this gesture of personalizing the dispute, ofshowingnofearofbeingidentifiedandbeingaccountableforourdecisions(andthe policies of our governing body) is something that should be applieduniversally. I don’t care whether you’re a homemaker, a parent, a banker, anexecutive,asalesperson,oraserviceemployee—youbecomemorehumanwhenIknowyourname.Anddon’tjustofferitmechanically.Itshouldn’tbe“Hi!I’mStacey and I’ll be your waitress.” Slow it down. Give it some weight, somesincerity.

And how about something unique? Set yourself apart. Surelymanagementdoesn’t expect you to be a robot, just like everyone else on the floor. Theformulas they give you are principles, frameworks onwhich you should hangyour own personality. I’d love it if awaitresswould say something like “MynameisStaceySmithandit’smyjobtoseethatyouleaveherefatandsassy.”Or“...it’smyjobtomakesureyougeteverythingyouwanttoeatasquicklyasI can get it for you.” Later, when the check arrives, if the waitress has builtappropriate rapport with me, I wouldn’t mind a little humor. “It’s also myresponsibilitytoseethatyoudon’tleavewithoutpaying.”

You see what I’m driving at? Something, anything that will humanize theencounter andmake people feel as if they’ve been noticed and that they havemattered.

Nothingangersmemore thanwhen I call an agencyandget a receptionistwhogivesmeonlyanumber.“Thisistwo-four-four,sir.HowmayIhelpyou?”IwanttosaythatpersoncanhelpmebytellingmewhoI’mdealingwith.Iwantaname. Names have a way of calming people. Names give you a sense that ahuman being is at the other end of the phone. How hard is it to say, “Goodevening,sir,myname’sGeorgeThompson.WhatcanIdoforyou?”?Evenina

store,ithelpsiftheclerkatthecountersays,“Hi,I’mBeverly.Letmeknowifthere’sanywayIcanhelpyou,”ratherthansimply,“CanIhelpyou?”

OURREALPURPOSE

Regardless of our profession or role, we’re all in the business of meetingpeople’sneeds.

Consider your children. I’ve already talked about the fact that you have todecidebetweenwantandneedandthatifyougavekidseverythingtheywantedyou’dturnthemintougly,self-centeredbrats.Butwhataboutthoserealneeds?Supposeyouhaveakidwhoneedsabicycle,butyoudon’thavethemoneyforthelatest,high-techmodel.YourjobasaVerbalJudopractitioneristoconvincehimthatagoodusedbike,forwhichhewillpayhalf,willmeethisneedsandgivehimagreatsenseofaccomplishmentandsatisfaction.

HOLSTERINGYOURDIVORCEWEAPON

Aren’tdivorcecourtsfilledwithpeoplewho’vemisunderstoodthissamepoint?Yougetangryatyourspouseanddrawdownonhimorherwiththeequivalentofapoliceman’sdeadlyforce,perhapswithasentencelike“Well, ifyoudon’tlike it, let’sgetadivorce!”Andyourspouse,equal to thechallenge, responds,“Fine!Seeyouincourt!”

Soontherethetwoofyouare,filingforsomethingneitheroneofyoureallywanted. Itmakes no sense, but it’s what happenswhenwe fire from the hip,whenweallowthewordsthatcomenaturallytoourlipsmakeaspeechweliveto regret. Unless we’re mighty in character and depth and know how toapologize,wewindupobligatedtodefendourultimatums.Ourpride,ourfaceisatstake,andwewillnotbackdown.Weendupmakinglife-changingdecisionstoourowndetriment.TheonlysolutionistolearntoignoretheinnervoiceandtouseeveryVerbalJudotechniqueweknowtokeepusfromdoingirreparabledamagetoourselvesandourlovedones.

Give others a break too.Don’t react to theirwords.A spouse complainingaboutawet towelonabedorgripingaboutyourcominghomelate,orabosssnapping at you about some minor matter, are only symptoms of largerproblems.Letthewordsgoby,deflectthemasItaughtyouearlierandsetabout

addressingrealissues.

24

TheMisunderstoodMotivator

NO, I’M NOT referring to myself; though there are days when I feelmisunderstood. The misunderstood motivator is Praise. When I’m praisedcorrectly—and there are myriad incorrect ways to offer praise—I feel mostunderstoodandappreciated.

Have you ever felt suspicious when praised? You’re not alone. I believesuspicion of praise is universal because it so frequently precedes criticism(whichIwilldiscuss).Forexample,“Ireallyenjoyedyoursolo.Itwasbeautiful.NowcanIgiveyouafewhintsonyourwardrobeandstagepresence?”Seehowthis compliment was yanked away like a rug from under the singer? Thishappenssooftenthatwhenwehearacomplimentwecan’thelpbutwaitfortheothershoetodrop.

Regardless, I contend that praise remains themost effectivemotivator anddisciplinarian there is. Effective and genuine praise does far more thanmakepeople feelgood.They tend todovoluntarilywhat theyarepraised for.But iftheyarecriticizedtheywilldojustwhattheyneedtotogetby.

Offeringpraisecommunicatesandreinforcesyourvalues.Andwhenpraiseisspecific—asIwilldiscussmorefully—itappearsmoreauthenticandincreasesyourcredibility,regardlessofyourrole.

PRAISEASPARTOFYOURARSENAL

Weknowverylittleaboutpraise,butitcanbeadynamictool.Inmyopinion,itisthesinglemostpowerfulteachingweaponwehave.

Praise has to be believable towork effectively, and people seem to feel as

uneasyaboutpraiseastheydoaboutcriticism.Theydistrustitinstinctivelyfortheythinkcriticismwillfollow,sopraisehastobegivenwithcare.

Myfirstpraiseprinciple is that ifyouplantopraisepeople,neverfollowitwith criticism. If you do, from then on, whenever people hear a complimentfrom you (no matter how sincere), they will also hear in their minds,“...but...”

I’mnotsayingyoucannotorshouldnotcriticizepeoplewhennecessary.Ifyou must, criticize first, then leave them with praise. You might tell anemployee,“Youknow,I’mreallyupsetaboutthewayyouhandledthatshippingproblemyesterday afternoon. It didnogood toblame thedistribution staff, asoverworked and underresourced as they are right now. You or someone youdelegated should have simply apologized unconditionally to the customer andmade sure the shipment went out immediately. That’s the way you’ve beentrained,andyouhavedemonstratedthatattitudemanytimes.That’swhyyou’rein thepositionyou’re in.Though Iwantyou to remember to respond thewayyouknowisbestinthefuture,Ialsowanttotellyouthatyouroverallworkhasbeenexemplary.Specifically,yourmonthlyreportsarealwaysrightonthemark,givingmetheinformationIneedinaformatthatmakesmelookgoodwhenIpassthemalong.Iknowyoucandothatwellinallareas,andI’mcountingonyoutodothat.”

Ioftenaskmyseminarstudents,“Whatisitthatmakesgoodpraise?”Almostinvariably,they’llanswer,“Sincerity.”That’sclose,butIsay,“Allright,howdowemakepraisesoundsincere?”Oneofthewayshastodowithwhereyouinsertpraiseintotheconversation:

last,not first.Not first and lastwitha criticismsandwiched inbetweeneither.That’s apopularmanagement recommendation,but I thinkpeople see throughthataseasilyastheyseethroughthecompliment-then-criticismtechnique.Theemployeemissesthefirstbitofpraisebecausehe’sbeencalledonthecarpetandiswaiting for theother shoe to drop.Thenhegets thebadnews andhe can’tappreciate the other half of the sandwich cookie. Whatever came before the“but . . .” he no longer believes because it was an obvious setup.Whether itreallywasornotisirrelevant.Ifthat’sthewayhefeels,that’srealitytohim.

Thesecondway toeffect thesincerityofpraise is tomake itas specificaspossible. There is something disconcerting about “Nice going! Good job!Appreciated that.” It’s much better when someone says—to use the singingexampleagain—“Ienjoyedyoursolo,especially thesongyouselectedandthewayyouinterpretedthatchorus.IfeltasifIwereyoungandinloveagain.”

Iwasthehappybeneficiaryofspecificpraise,andI’mpleasedtosayithelpsbolster my point. To use one of my earlier phrases, I was an “unconsciouscompetent” at public speaking. I have saved until now the news that I was astutterer as a child because I believe it has more impact when you haveestablishedinyourmindthatImakemylivingbygivingspeecheshundredsoftimesayear.

WhenIwasastudentIcouldn’tgetoutsentencesthatbeganwithwordslikewhy,what,orhow.Basically,Icouldn’taskanyquestions.Thisdoggedmeintomyfreshmanyearofcollege.Ihadtorephrasequestionssotheywouldn’tstartwithaworanhword.Ihadtosaythingslike“Tellmeaboutthat.Itseemsthatwouldn’tworkifthiswasthecase.”Ididn’tknowit,butIwasbecomingmoreverbally fluent because of my weakness. If I put what in the middle of asentence,Icouldgetitout.SoIbeganmostofmyquestionswithadependentclause—whichisnotabadwaytoposeaquestion.Still,Iwasinsecure,andforyearsIdidn’tevenconsiderteaching,letalonepublicspeaking,asacareer.

YetasIgainedconfidence,IsawthestutterbegintodisappearuntilfinallyIwasateacher,thenaprofessor,andfinallyapublicspeaker.NooneknewthatIstill harbored insecurities about my speaking ability because of those painfulmemories,soItookanypraiseformyoratorywithagrainofsalt.AttimesIwastemptedtosay,“I’mgladyouenjoyedit,butifyouonlyknew...”

Inthemid-1980sIspoketoanaudienceofrealtorsinChicagoandlearnedavaluable lesson.Afterward,people filedoutgushinggeneralpraise like“Greatspeech!Lovedit!BestI’veeverheard!”

Aswasmyhabit I pastedon a smile and respondedwith, “Thankyou.Ohyes.Thanks.Ohyes.’Preciatethat.”

Thelastguytoleavetheroomsaid,“Ireallyenjoyedthat,”andIstartedinwithoneofthevariationsofmy“Ohyes”whenhegotmyattention.Whenheadded,“...specifically,”Icockedmyear.

Hesaid,“SpecificallyI likethewayyouuselittleeverydaystoriestoteachcomplexpointslikeempathyandsettingofcontext.Mostspeakersdon’tdothat.Thosestoriesmademeseeyourpoints.Thanksforputtingthoseinthere.”Andhewalkedout.

THEBENEFITSOFSPECIFICPRAISE

1.Specificpraise feelsgood. Itmademe feelgood.The specificityofhis

praise reached me as no general praise could have. Specific praise ispowerfulpraise;generalpraiseisjustgoodmanners.

2. Specific praise is believable. Because he had been specific, I believedhim.Hewascredibleandthatmadehimlookgoodtoo.

3. Specific praise always either reinforces or teaches. It made me learnsomethingaboutmyselfasaspeaker.Inallhonesty,Ihadnotpreviouslyhad a clue to my success. I knew I was in demand and that peopleseemed toappreciateandenjoymyspeaking.But if I’dhad toguess, Iwouldhavesaiditwasbecausetheylikedmystyle.I’mexpressive,hard-driving,andIdon’tdoa lotofgyrating.Iget to thepoint—it’s just in-your-faceprinciplesandgive’emthebottomline.

Ihavealwaysbeenastoryteller,butuntilthatguypointedoutthatthespecificdetailofmyillustrationsmademypointscomealiveforhim,Ididn’tknow.Imighthavedriftedfromthattechnique,butonceIknewitwaseffective,Iwentbackandemphasizedstoriesandillustrationsforallmypresentations.Hisspecificpraisetaughtmetobeabetterspeaker.

4. Specific praise gets passed along. Two years later I ran into a guy inJacksonville, Florida, who said, “Are you that crazy guy fromAlbuquerquewhoteachesVerbalJudo?I’vegotafriendinChicagowhoravedaboutyourcourse.Hecouldn’trememberyournamebutheneverforgotwhatyoudid.”

Isaid,“Whatwasthat?”He said, “You taught with specific little stories the way Einstein

taught physics.My friend had to give a presentation before his bossesandhecompletelyrediditbasedonthatoneprinciplealone.Andhegavethebestspeech.”

Itpaystolistenandwatchandtakethatextratimetolookatwhatsomebodydoes thatmakesyou feel good.Then, insteadof just blurting, “Great job!”bespecific.

ANEXAMPLE

Let’s say I have an employee—I’ll call him John—who writes poorly. Hisreportsareamishmashofabstractgeneralities. Isendhimtoawritingcourse,buthe’snotmuchbetter.Ilookthroughthirtyofhisreportsandthey’reallbad.My natural inclinationmight be to take a handful of those reports and shake

theminhisfaceandsay,“Didn’tyoulearnanything?Theseareoutrageous!Ifyoudon’tgetbetter,we’llfireyou!”

Obviously,thatwouldbeineffective.Onthebasisofmyprinciplesofpraise,here’swhatIshoulddo.Ishouldtakethetimetodigthroughallthosereportstofindatleastoneparagraphthatworks.ItmightbejustdumbluckonJohn’spart,but something somewhere in that mass of writing has to be somethingworthwhile.Then,insteadoftryingtoresorttocriticismandanultimatumasamotivator,Ishouldtryspecificpraise.

IshouldnotcallJohnin,butratherseekhimout.Ishouldsay,“John,Iwaslookingoversomeofyourreports,andIwasimpressedwiththisparagraphandhowspecific it is.That’sgood,becausewhenyou’re this specific, it helpsmeunderstand what you do so I can supervise you better. That’s good for you.That’sgoodforme.That’sgoodforeverybody.Thanksfortakingthetimetodothat.”

You thinkhisnext reportwouldn’tbe fifteen timesmorespecific?Youcanbethe’dgohomeandtellhiswifethatnightthatthebosshadpraisedhim,andthere’s littlequestion thathe’d rememberwhy.Peopledowhat they’repraisedfor.IfIweretoonlycriticizehim,hewouldjustshoreuphisreportsjustenoughtokeepmeoffhisback.Criticizedpeoplegenerallydoonlyenoughtoreachalevel of what management experts call “minimal competency.” That’s what’swrongwithlaborinoursociety.

Nowlet’ssayJohnisdoingbetteronhisreports,buthe’sstillneglectingtoopenandclosethemwithpowerandinfluentialstatements.NowIcangotohimandsay,“John,yourreportsaremorespecificthanever,andIappreciateit.Andthisoneopenedwithapowerful,grabbingsentence.Openandclosetherestofthemthatway,andyou’rewritingthebestreportswecanget.Iknowyoucandoit.”

AQUIZ

Beside exercising the principle of specific praise, what other Verbal JudoprincipleamIusing?

IfyousaidIwasraisingJohn’sexpectationsasawaytomotivatehim,you’reamongthebestreadersI’vegot.Ifyoukeepcatchingontotheseprinciplesandrememberingthem...well,yougetthepoint.

Motivate by raising expectations. Raise expectations not through criticism,

but through praise. Praise specifically, and youwill find yourself resorting tocriticismrarely.

CRITICISMWITHOUTOSTRACISM

Youcan,andmanytimesshould,delivercriticismeffectively,directly,andevenbluntly.As the flip side of the praise principle, the trick here is to follow thecriticism—not precede it—with praise. That way, despite his mistakes, thepersonbeingcorrectedandcriticizedwillstill feelapartof the team,avaluedplayer.Ifpraise isdoledoutbeforecriticism,as isusually thecase, thepersonwill feelmanipulated.Often it’s appropriate to remind the person, “If I didn’tvalueyouandcareaboutyou,orifIwasn’tconcernedwithhowyoufitintotheorganization,Iwouldn’tbothertodealwithyouaboutthisproblem.IfyouwereonyourwayoutofthecompanyorIthoughtyouwereunsalvageable,Iwouldn’twastemy time,would I?Do football coaches holler atmarginal players?No.Theypushandprodtheonestheycountonandneedthemost.”

WHENYOUARECRITICIZED

I have just a few simple guidelines for taking criticism,whichwe allmust attimes.Noneofthesewillbenewtoyou,butitisworthwhiletolistthemhereasreminders.

1.Maintain eye contact.Don’t roll your eyes as if you are amazed at thestupidity of the person doing the criticizing. And don’t cast your eyesdowneither.Thatisasignofresignationordefeat.Thepersoncriticizingyou probably doesn’t want you to wallow in self-pity. Take it like anadult.Lookthepersonintheeyeandindicatethatyou’relistening.

2. If you disagree, hold your tongue for the time being. If you constantlyinterrupt to correct an inaccuracy or plead your case, you’re going tolookworse.Maybeyou’rerightandthecriticizeriswrong.Still,arguingandappearingdefensivewillonlymakethepersonbelievemorestronglythat he is right. The time may come when it is appropriate to defendyourself,butgatheryourthoughtsfirstandbepreparedtodiscussthemcalmly,justtotrytobalancetherecord.

3.Nodandshowanopenbodylanguagethatsaysyou’renotonlylistening,but also that you’re hearing and understanding. You’re not necessarily

agreeing,butyou’regettingthemessage.4.Usephrasesthatconfirmyouropennesstobecorrectedsuchas“Uh-huh,”

“Yes,” “Okay,” “I hear you,” “I understandwhat you’re saying,” “I’mwilling,” “I’ll make every effort,” “I’ll work on that,” “Thanks forpointingthatout.”

5.Whenyouhavethefloor,usetheopportunitynotonlytodefendyourselfbutalsotoreiteratethatyouwelcomesuchinputandwanttolearn.Insistonafollow-upmeetingwitharequestsuchas“CouldIcheckbackwithyoutomakesureI’mmakingprogressanddoingwhatyouwant?”

Beingcriticizedandrespondingappropriatelycanbebetterthanneverhavingbeennoticedat all.Yourdemeanor andability to chooseyourwordscarefullymakeallthedifference.

25

YouCanPunishWithoutDrawingBlood

AS PARENTS WE sometimes have to punish our children. As employers, wesometimes have to punish employees.Youmay dislike doing this or even theideaof it, butyoucan’tdeny the reality:Theability topunisheffectively is anecessaryskill.

It’sbeenmyexperienceandobservationthatinoursocietywedonotwieldtheswordofauthoritywithgreatskill.ThathasledmetodevelopwhatIcallthe“principle of punishment.” It goes like this: Though there are many ways topunish, when doing so you must use language without bias. In other words,nevermixemotionandpunishment.

I realize this is awhole lot easier said than done, especiallywith children.Parentsareinallprobabilitylyingiftheysaytheyhaveneverpunishedinanger.That’swhycopsdealwithsomuchchildabuseanddomesticviolence.Weallknowbetter, but knowing and doing are too often twodifferent things.A fewhintsmayhelpyoumaintainthegapbetweenemotion(orfeeling)andhandingdownpunishment.

KEEPINMIND

If you’re so angry at someone that you simplymust express it, do so.But becarefulnot toeffectpunishmentat thesame time.Let’ssayyouoverhearyourson speakingdisrespectfully and totally inappropriately to yourwife. Itmakesyoumad,andyouknowhewouldbenefitfromknowingthat.It’snotallbadtolight into him, but force yourself not to get into pronouncing a sentence until

you’recalmer.Inotherwords,youmightraiseyourvoicesoheknowsyou’reserious.You

mightsay,“Listen,son,I’mnotgoingtostandforyourtalkingtoyourmotherthatway.It’sdisrespectfulandit’sgoingtostoporyouandIaregoingtohavetrouble.Remember,that’snotjustyourmotheryou’retalkingto—she’salsomywife.”

Thatwill oftenget a raisedeyebrow,butbetteryet, youhavenot followedyour instinct to threatenwhat that troublemightbe.Youhaven’t flownoff thehandle and said you were going to knock his block off or ground him for amonthortakeawayhisdrivingprivileges.Thatissomethingyouwanttoavoid,becauseintheheatofthemomentyoumaymakeoneofthosefamousspeechesyou’ll live to regret.You’llhanddowna sentence thatwillbehard toenforceandprobablybeasmuchofaninconvenienceforyouandyourwifeasforyourson.

Ifyouhavetochewoutanemployee,doit.Butdon’t, intheexcitementofthemoment,say,“You’refinishedinthiscompany.I’dfireyouifIcould.You’reonprobationforsixmonths.Noraiseforyou,etc.,etc.,etc.”Youmightsaytothe employee, as youmight say to your son, “Iwant to discuss thiswith youtomorrowtodeterminewhatwe’regoingtodoaboutit.”

In themeantime,youwillhaveabetterhandleonwhat reallywentwrong,howpurposeful the infractionmighthavebeen,howserious theconsequences,and what the most remedial and effective punishment would be. Anythingdecided in the fire of the moment will likely be counterproductive, cost theguiltypartyhisfaceanddignity,andwindupbeingaburdenforyou.

Themomentyouusewordsthat indicateyouhavelostrespectforsomeoneor don’t like him, he shuts down and quits listening. Your personal self hasintrudedandspoiledyourprofessionalism.

HOMESCHOOL

Ilearnedalessonwithmyson,Taylor,whenhewassixyearsold.Itoldhimoneday, “Don’t throw the football in the living roombecause thatvaseover therecamefromBeijing,China,andwasgiventomebyanoldkungfumaster.Ifyoubreakthatvase,you’rehistorybecausethatthing’sirreplaceable,andbytheway,myfriend,youarenot!”Now,obviously,Iwasteasinghimandheknewit,buthealsoknewIwasquiteseriousabout thevalueof thevaseandtheimportof

myprohibition.Twoweekslaterat three in theafternoonIhearda tremendouscrashin the

living room and knew immediately what had happened. I hurried in to findTaylor and the football and the vase, in pieces. Iwas so angry that Iworriedwhat Imight do or say to him, and somehow Iwas able to controlmyself. Isimply said, “You and I had a contract.No football in the living room.Go toyourroomandI’llseeyouinthemorning.”

ThenIwentouttothedrivewaywhereIhadahangingbag,andIbeatthatbaguntilmyhandsbled.Itookmyfeelingsoutonthebag,notontheboy.

SupposeIhadnotdonethat.SupposeIhaddonewhatIhadtoooftenwithmydaughter.WhatifIhadletmyangeroverwhelmmeandsaidthefirstthingthatcametomind?Iwouldhavebegunlying.Iwouldhavesaid,“YouSOB!”That’slienumberone.“Youneverlisten!”Lienumbertwo.“YouneverdowhatIsay!”Lienumberthree.

Then when I sent him to his room I would be pronouncing the samepunishment,butIwouldhaveadifferentkidbehindthedoor.Iwouldhavehadalittleboysteepedinrighteousresentmentforsixteenhours.Hewouldhavebeencrying,rockingbackandforth, thinkingIamnotanSOB.Ido too listen. Idotoo do what he says. He’s so unfair, blah, blah, blah. Sixteen hours later hewouldcomeoutworsethanhewaswhenhewentin.

It’seasytosnapanduseVerbalKarate,tolashoutandhurtsomeonewithawoundthatwillnevergoaway.Thinkofthelong-termeffect.Howmanytimescanwesnapatourchildrenthatwayandnotturnthemintomean,nastystreetlizardswhohateauthority,hatecops,hateanyoneincontrol?Whatwillpreventthemfromturningtogangsforsolace?

THEGOAL

I’veestablishedthattheworstabuseinthisworldisverbal.So,ifyouwanttobean effective punisher, you must learn to use language disinterestedly,unemotionally,andwithoutbias.Thegoalofpunishmentshouldbepositive.Itisnottoinflictpainorexactrevenge.Ratheritistoreconstruct,tomakebetter,toeducate.

If we agree that remediation and rehabilitation is the goal of effectivepunishment,whyisthelanguageassociatedwithitusuallysonegative?Whydowefeeltheneedtoputpeopledownwhenwepunishthem?

Don’tthinkthatIamunawarehowdifficultthislessonis.Onlyafoolwouldtellyouthatit’seasytocontrolyourselfwhenyou’reangry.Butitcanbedone.Andit’scrucialtoyoureffectivenessinpunishingandtothewell-beingofboththepersonyou’re punishing andyou.Stopping and silently counting to tenortwentysoundslikeanoldcliché,butit’snotabadideaifitworks.

Trainyourselftodotheoppositeofwhatyoufeel.Ifyoufeellikeshouting,whisper.Ifyoufeellikestriking,caress.Ifyoufeellikestormingfromtheroom,stayput.Takecontrol.Feelthepoweritgivesyou.Aboveall,separateemotionfrompunishment.

26

DancingWhenYouMightHaveStumbled

HERE I WANT to celebrate the mastery of Verbal Judo. Many who haveincorporated the various principles in their lives have elegantly succeeded insituationswhereoncetheymighthavesufferedlossorembarrassment.Youcansucceedtooifyou’recommittedtofollowingthroughonwhatyouhavelearned.

Iwasonewhosufferedasmuchasanyoneforlackofhavingdiscoveredandmastered these principles. The failure ofmymarriageswas largely due to thefactthatnoonehadevertoldmetonotexpressmyfeelingswhenIgotangry.Ratherthansaying,“Iloveyou,what’swrong?”Isaidthingslike“Ifyoudon’tlikeit,toobad.Youwantadivorce?Okay!”

Weallfindithard,especiallymen,tosaywhatwereallyfeelandmean,andsowe resort to shortcuts.We translatedisappointment into anger,we translatefrustration into anger, because it’s easier for us to look good, macho, andpowerfulifwelashback.

Just as in theworkplace,when you come home youmust play a series ofroles.You’reaparent,adisciplinarian,alover,ahelper,afriend,apsychologist,orwhateverisnecessaryatagivenmoment.Iwouldtakeabuseanddeflectitonthestreet,but thenathomeIwantedtorelax.Idroppedallpretenseofskillatthis,andmywifewouldsay,“Howcomeyoudon’ttreatmeaswellasyoutreatthosestreet lizardsyoudealwith?You’resnappingatmelikeI’madog.”Shewasright.Eventuallyitcostmethemarriage.

Inalaterrelationship,afterIhadbegundevelopingthisprogrambutbeforeIhadmasteredtheninjaskillofmakingskillfulcommunicationinvisible,mywifewouldsay,“Don’tusethatVerbalJudocraponme.”

You’re going tomakemistakes.You’re going to stumble.But it’s better to

stumbleusing theright techniquewithgoodmotives.As importantas learningthese principles is making Verbal Judo part of the fabric of your life andcharacterandpersonality.

Every time you interactwith somebody in your family, on the street, or inyourworkplace,makeityourgoaltoimprovethesituationortherelationship.Ifyoutrytocontrolpeople,you’llbebreathingdowntheirnecks.Youcan’tforcepeople to do what you want in today’s society. You have to use your wordsstrategically.Generatevoluntarycomplianceandcooperationbydirectingratherthancontrolling.

GOAHEAD,MAKEMYDAY!

Ifyouknowmovies,youknowthatfamousClintEastwoodlinefromtheDirtyHarryseries.Hesaystoapunk,ineffect,“Givemeareasontoblowyourheadoff.”Igottatellyou,IloveClintEastwoodandallhisWesternsandcopmovies.But I bring that up in classes with real cops and I have to say, “There, forexample, is thedifferencebetweenTVand life. In the realworld,youpoint agunataguyandsaythat,hereachesforthegun,andyoushoothim—you’reindeep trouble. In court it would be shown that you invited him to reach for aweaponsoyoucouldexterminatehim,andyouwouldbetriedasamurderer.”

Clint’s approach may make for good theater, and we may all cheer whenDirtyHarryexactsjusticefromthesleazeball,butthat’stheoppositeofVerbalJudo.

Whenwhatwesayordoforcessomeonetorespondunderduress,towhomarewegivingthepowertocontrolthesituation?Towhomarewehandingoverthe decision-making power? The badgewearer is the onewho is supposed tomakethecitizen’sday.Theproperapproachis:“I’llmakeyourdayforyou.Youwanttoresistarrest?Youwillnotsucceed.Youwant tofightacop?You’llbesubduedbeforeyoubegin.Youwanttorapethiswomanorsellcrackcocaineonthesecorners?I’mnotgoingtoletthathappen.”

RODNEYKING

IrrespectiveofyouropinionoftheverdictthatresultedintheLosAngelesriots,amajorquestionwasbroughttolightbytheRodneyKingarrest.Ihappentobeonewhobelievesthesituationgotoutofhandandthatentirelytoomuchforce

wasused. Ibelieve in the justicesystemand the integrityof juries,andIhavemy questions about why King didn’t simply obey and go immediately to anonthreateningproneposition.Iknowhewasarepeatoffenderandwasalargeand dangerousman, but I have eyes as you do. I saw the videotape andwasrepulsed.

Moreimportant,though,forthefirsttimeinAmericaaquestionwasraised:What if the police, the thin blue line between peace and disharmony in oursociety,aretheproblem?Thatwassomethingwedidn’twanttothinkaboutand,forthemostpart,hadneverconsidered.Chargesofpolicebrutalitywerefewandfarbetweenandwereoftenbroughtbyobviouslyguiltyparties.Butwhenpeoplewho have long doubted those in power now start to wonder about the policethemselves,wefaceachillingquestion.Whyshouldanybodytrustthepolicetobeginwith?

Isaytocopsinmyclasses,“Ifoutofthethreehundredinthisroomthere’sjustoneofyousuckerswhothinksthatshowingupandkickingassandtakingnamesandhumiliatingpeopleiswhatyourjobisabout,whathappenstothethinbluelinebetweenorderanddisorder,betweenpeaceandviolence?It’sgone.”

That’sthetragedyoftheRodneyKingaffair.AlotofpeoplesaythatitwasbusinessasusualinL.A.,andofcoursealotofL.A.copssay,“No,itisn’t.”

Tome, the saddest partwas thatwhen it happened Iwas in themidst of acontractwiththeLosAngelesPoliceDepartmenttoteachVerbalJudotomostofitsofficers.Severalofthecopsinvolvedinthatuglyaltercationwerescheduledtositinononeofmyseminarstheverynextweek.Iliketothinkthatsomethingthey might have gleaned from that would have put a different spin on whathappenedthatnight.

Icanonlyhope that theywouldhavedancedrather thanstumbled,becauseregardless whether anyone ever proves that anything they did that night wasillegal,anybodywithabrainandtwoeyesknowsthat thesituationcouldhavebeenhandledbetter.

Iwantyoutobeabletodanceinsteadofstumble,asIhavelearnedtodo,andIofferhereacoupleofcasehistories toshowwhatkindsofresultsyoumightexpect.BothinvolvepeoplewhohaveattendedmyseminarsandhaveusedtheVerbalJudotechniquestogreatavail.Whileeachhasmanystoriesofsuccessineveryday dealings and negotiations, both have also soared on paper as littleDavidsdoingwrittenbattle—onewithaGoliathcorporationandtheotherwithahigh-poweredbusinessman.Both the corporation and the businessman tried tointimidate my protégés and might have scared off someone who had no

ammunition,butyouwillseethatVerbalJudomademyguysequaltothetaskinbothcases.

THEWATERSYSTEMFROMHELL

My client,whom I’ll callRick, and hiswife needed awater-softening systemand a drinking water purifier. They scheduled a meeting with a salesrepresentative fromasupplier,but themanwhoarrivedwasnot thesalesman.Rather,hesaidhewasasalesmanager inanexecutivepositionwhohadbeenforcedtohandlethehousecallbecausetheroutesalespersonhadhadtocancelatthelastminutebecauseofasocialengagement.

ThissalesmanageractedrushedandperturbedthathehadtohandlesuchalowlytaskbutassuredRickandhiswifethattheywouldbethebeneficiariesofthesnafu.Hehadapersonalvendettaagainstthesalesmanandwouldthussellboththesoftenerandthepurifieratcost.Thatwouldresultinnocommissionforthesalesman,andthesalesmanagersaidhewouldusethesaleasacaselessonforhisstaff.Hebraggedthatthiswouldprovetohisstaffthathecouldsellthecompany’sproductsunderanycircumstances.

Hebreezedthroughhispresentation,apparentlyeagertogetgoing,andwasunabletoproducedocumentationforhiscompany’sclaimsofresearchshowingthat their system would eliminate the need for hair conditioners and fabricsofteners,reducetheneedforsoap,produceano-maintenancebathroom,andcutwaterbillstothebone.Heusedtocarrysuchdocumentation,hesaid,whenhehandledhousecalls.

Rickandhiswifeexpressedtheirreluctanceatgettingintothemiddleofanoffice-politicssituation,buttheycouldnotignorethehugepricebreak.Theyhadnoreasontodoubtthesalesmanager’swordabouttheresearchstudiesandthewater bill savings, so they signed the contract.The salesmanager stayed longenoughonlytogloatagainabouthowhewouldusethedealtoshowhispeoplehowsalesshouldbedone,evenindifficultcircumstances.

When the system was installed it seemed to run for several hours, watergushingdown thedrains.Rickcalled to see if thiswasnormalandwas toldaservicemanwouldcomethatnight.Noonecame.Reddishbeadsturnedupintapwater,toilets,sinks,andtubs.ThenextdayRickturnedontheshower,onlytobeblastedwiththelittlebeadsheeventuallylearnedwerefromtheresinsystemdesignedtoinfiltratethesystem.

Whenaservicemanfinallycametocheck,Ricklearnedthatthesystemhadindeed malfunctioned and had dumped its entire tank of resin beads into thewatersupply.AsRickhadingestedsomeoftheseinhisshower,hewasnaturallyconcernedwithhishealth.

But thatwasnotall.Clearly the installerhadbeen inexperienced.He leftamess,includingagapingholeinthedrywall.HeleftgreasytoolsonapieceofRick’s luggage. The washing machine became so clogged with resin that thepumphadtobereplaced.Thewaterheaterhadheavyresiduefromthebeads.

Meanwhile, the system continued tomalfunction. Itwould come on in themiddle of themorning and shake thewhole house, and the family noticed nosavingsinsoaporconditioners.Theirwaterbillincreasedsixfold!

When it became clear to Rick that the entire system was a disaster, hecontacted the company, only to discover that the “sales manager” hadmisrepresented himself and had since been reassigned. Rick believed he wasgettingsatisfactionwhenthecompanyagreedtoreplacethesystem,promisedtosenddocumentationthathishealthwouldnotbethreatenedbyhisresinshower,andurgedhimtotryout thesystem(whichwouldbefullyexplainedata laterdate)beforepayinganything.

Part of theoriginal sales planhad included regular deliveries of salt.Nonecame.The documentation regarding health-related issues and the chemistry oftheresinwasneversent.Rickdidnotreceiveanyprintedmaterialorexplanationofthesystemthatwouldhavetoldhimwhatwasnormalandwhatwasnot,howthesystembestfunctioned,andwhattoexpect.

Whatheandhiswifedidreceivenextwastheirbill,whichhadbeenturnedovertoacollectionagencyandwassoontobelitigated.

Idon’tknowaboutyou,butIwouldhavebeenreadytogotowar.Phraseslike“Howdareyou?”and“Whodoyouthinkyou’redealingwith?”wouldhavecometomymind.

ToRick’scredit,whilehewasforthrightandunequivocalinhisletter,hedidmuchmorethansimplyrecountthehistoryofthecase(whichisalwaysagoodidea). He could have ranted and raved and made all manner of threats andaccusations. Rather, he clearly stated his personal offense at having beencontactedbya collectionagencyandhavingbeen threatenedwith legal actionwhen itwasclear tohim that itwashewhohad thecaseagainst the supplier.Insteadoflevelingawrittenversionof“Seeyouincourt,”heoutlinedhowhethought he had been shortchanged, asked for restitution, and insisted on thecompany calling off the collection agency, using variations of the following

language:“Iawaityourearliestresponse.Inviewofourdesiretoavoidacourtcase—afeelingIassumewouldbesharedbyyouandyourcompany—Iwouldask that . . .” Later he added, “I trust we can work things out smoothly andprofessionally...”

In subsequent correspondence, when this approach seemed to be working,Rick looked forotherareasofagreement.Hewrotesuch thingsas“I feelyouhavetakensomegoodinitialstepsinhelpingtoalleviatetheseriousproblemsIoutlinedinmyletter...Mymeetingwith_____wascordialandheprovedtobeafinetributetoyouroffice.”

WhileRickcontinuedtofearforhishealth,heevenallowed,“Iamneitherachemistnoradoctor,anddonotwanttosuggestthatthepainsarelinkedtomyingestion of the resin beads. However, I would like to close the door to thatpossibility,andIwillbeabletodothatbyreceivingtheabove-mentioneddatafromyou.”

Hecontinued,“Withthatinmind,Iwouldaskthatyoutakeadditionalactionand waive all charges on this transaction. I challenge every dollar of thisaccount.” And then Rick concluded with what I often encourage as a solidVerbal Judo technique. He painted a word picture that allowed his targetaudiencetoenvisionexactlywhatwasgoingon:

“Ifeelnotunlikeagentlemanfarmerwhobuyswhathethinksisaprizecowbut is shipped a raging bull.After the buyer has been gored, some immediateconcessions are made by the seller. The shirt with its gaping hole will bereplacedandallcosmeticrepairswillbecoveredatnocost.Bullfoodforayearwillalsobecovered.Butthenthefarmerisslippedabillforthebullitself.

“Sir,Iamgratefulforthebullfood.Butcanyoudosomethingaboutthebull?Please take another look at the figures and previous correspondence. I’d beappreciativeifwecouldcometoameetingofthemindsbytheendoftheyear.”

Best of all, once the matter was finally settled to Rick’s satisfaction, hefollowedupwith anoteof thanks. Itwouldhavebeeneasy to shoot a stingerback,gloatingaboutthevictory.Butthecompanyhadeventuallydonetherightthing,andRickwrote:

“Thankyouagainforyourassistanceinresolvingthesematters.Wearewellaware that inanybusiness,problemsoccur.Whatsetscompaniesapart ishowsuchproblemsaredealtwith.Despiteadvertisingclaimsaboutservice,toooftenthecustomerloses.Andsowehavebeenencouragedtoseeourcasehandledinsuch a forthright manner. The professionalism displayed by you and yourassistanthasbeenrefreshingindeed.”

MANOAMANO

Theothersuccessstoryfromoneofmysatisfiedstudents(I’llcallhimChris)isthis: Chris, a businessman, ran into a real buzz saw in the person of abusinessmanwhoapparentlyusedintimidationasacommonnegotiatingtactic.Chris had simply requested business references from him, standard practicewhenyou’reabouttoenterintoanagreementwithsomeone.

He wrote the man, whom I’ll call Frank, “I was able to reach two of thebusiness references your office provided, but theyweren’t ofmuch help. Thefirstwouldn’ttakemycallorcallmeback;thesecondgavemeaminutetoaskacoupleofquestions,andthenofferedtonegotiatethedealifIneededhelp.TheonlyhelpIneedisforsomebodytostandupandsay,‘Frank’sagreatguy.HecutsafairdealandI’dgladlydobusinesswithhimagain.’Pleaseletmeknowifyoucanprovideanyreferencesthatwillassureme.It’safairthingtoask.”

He then clearly challenged Frank’s unfair-deal terms, stating, “These arebasicquestionsthatperhapsyou’dpreferwereleftunasked,butnotaskingthemwouldbeanirresponsibilityonmypart...”

Chris expressed hiswillingness tomeet face-to-face but added, “However,perhapsit’sfortuitousthatwehaven’tmet,inlightofyourearlierthreat,‘Don’tmesswithme,I’mSicilian.’Ormaybeitwasn’tathreat.IhonestlyhavetroubledifferentiatingbetweenwhatyousayandrealityasIknowit.”

(Igottatellyou,ifthathappenedtome,IwouldhavetoberemindedtostayinmyVerbal Judomode to keep from placing a few calls tomy friends andhaving fifty thousand cops land on Frank’s doorstep. In this case, the studenthandleditbetterthantheteacherwouldhave.)

In the letter, Chris then moved to humor, in an attempt to counterbalanceFrank’ssweepingdenigrationofagroupofpeople.“Eitherway,IcanassureyouthatIdon’twant towakeupwithahorse’sheadinmybed, if that’swhatyoumean.”

Heconcluded:“Allofthisistosay,Frank,Ithinkitwouldbeprudenttostarttryingtomendfences.AndIthinkyourattorneywouldadvisethesameifyougavehimacopyofthisletter.We’reallprettydecentpeopleontheotherendsofthese telephone lines.Wealsohave solid reputations, simplevalues, adistasteforbeing‘messedwith’whichweapparentlysharewithSicilians,andwouldn’tyouknowit—evenareadinesstograbholdofanolivebranch...ifthere’soneanywhereinsight.”

Thatletter,becauseofitstoneanditsexpertuseofVerbalJudotechniques,tookChrisfromanacrimonioussituationtoharmonyovernight.Onedayhewasreceiving threats and charges and ultimatums—from Frank’s insisting that hewouldnotdobusinesswithanyoneifChriswasinvolvedtohistellingChristhatChris’sclientswouldgobrokewhenFranksued them.Thenextdayafter thatletterarrivedinFrank’smailbox—whetherheshowedittohislawyerChrisisn’tsure—hecalledChriswithalaughinhisvoice.Thetensionwasgone.HeevenofferedChris awriting job, telling himhe had no ideaChris could putwordstogetheronpaperlikethat!Theygottogetherforlunch,continuednegotiating,andeventuallyinkedalucrativedealforallparties.

FROMALLWALKSOFLIFE

My memory is full of testimonials from seminar attendees who have bornewitnesstothebenefitsofVerbalJudo.Ihearfromthemallthetime.There’sthewomanfromSouthernCaliforniawhowassenttotheseminarbyheremployerand who saw a huge decrease in complaints about her department. But evenmoreimportant,shebelievesVerbalJudosavedhermarriage.Shebegantalkingtoherhusbandthewayshewanted tobespoken tobyhim.Hewassurprised,bemused,andsuspiciousatfirst,butasshestuckwithit,hegrewtolikeit.Heregowasinthebackground.ShewaspracticingtheGoldenRule.

Eventuallyhefeltconspicuousbeingthebadguyinamarriagewithsuchawonderful, loving wife, and his behavior began to change. She says she hastaughthimtobeaVerbalJudoexpertwithouthisevenbeingawareofit.

I’veheardfromcopswhohadbeenestrangedfromtheirkids,eitherbecauseofdivorceorseparationorjustbecauseofthedemandsofthejob.WithVerbalJudo techniques theywere able to say things they had never been able to saybefore,andthey’veseenfriendshipsformedandrelationshipshealed.Theythinkit’smagicandthatI’msomesortofafamily-healingguru.

ButVerbalJudo is justcommonsense. Iadmit Ihave therightbackgroundforthistypeofathing.IneededVerbalJudomyself,beingaDifficultPerson.Ibecame a student of rhetoric and literature. I overcame a speech handicap. Iworkedinthetrenches,whereyouhavetobeabletocommunicatetostayalive.AndIperfectedphysicalmartialartsskillswhichIfoundtransferredbeautifullytothisprogram.

YetImaintainthereisnomagictoit,nodeepsecrets.Learntheprinciplesso

thatevenwhen themyriad techniquesdon’tcome immediately tomind,you’llknowthegeneralobjective.

MakeVerbalJudoawayoflife,andwatchyourschangeforthebetter.

27

VerbalJudoasanAutomaticResponse

MYGOALIN thischapteristopresenttoyoutwenty-sixofthemostcompellingideasIhavegleanedfromthestreets.AsIhaveemphasized,justaboutanythingthat works in the crucible of the street can be adapted and transferred toeverydaylife.

IhavealistofmaximsandcredosIcallSecretPowerSamurai.Ifyoutakethe time to think these through andmemorize them, theywill spring tomindwhenyou’re in a crisis.Consider this a refresher courseonmuchofwhathasgone before, reminders of the phrases that will allow you, under pressure, tomarshalyourcommunicationstrengthinwaysthatmightsurpriseyou.

Someofthesemayseemclearandobvious,whileothersmayamazeyou,buteach can markedly contribute to your ability to become a fine verbalcommunicator.

Theseprincipleswillhelpyouaffirm the truthof the famousSun-tzu,whoonce said: “Towin a hundred victories in a hundred battles is not the highestskill;tosubduetheenemywithoutfighting,thatisthehighestskill.”

Amoremodernmartialartsfigure,thelateBruceLee,saiditthisway:“Youand your opponent are one.” In otherwords, you coexist and you become hiscomplement,absorbinghisattackandusinghisforcetoovercomehim.

Ifyouhavegainednothingelsefromthisbook,rememberthattheprincipleofVerbalJudoisthesameasthatofphysicaljudo.Insteadofpushingbackandconfronting, youwant to redirect, using the energy of the other.According toSun-tzu andLee, two famous fighters, two thousandyears of encounters havetaught us that the most powerful warriors are people who do not engage inphysicalconflict.

Powerisknowledgeinaction.Ifyouputtoworktheknowledgecontainedinthisbook,youwilldevelop thepower to staycalmand toachieve self-esteemwhen others expect you to stumble. That is the subtle power to getwhat youwantwithout being obvious about it. If your technique is too obvious, peoplesenseyouaretryingtomanipulatethem,andyou’llfailforsure.

Themanwho hasmastered an art reveals it in his every action. I’ve livedVerbal Judo now for nearly two decades. I learned it slowly, made a lot ofmistakes, and have the physical and emotional scars to prove it. That’swhy Iwant you to take thesemaxims seriously, so that every timeyou interactwithpeopleyoucanputthemintoeffect.YourgoalshouldbetomakeVerbalJudoanaturalresponse,somethinginyourcharacterthatrevealsitselftoyourchildren,to the plumber who tries to hand you a bill you think is too high, to thecontractorwhoistakinglongerthanyouthinkheought,ortothesupervisoryouthinkisunfair.

Use the skills representedby thesemaxims to redirect behavior rather thangetting into an ugly confrontation. If the thought of memorizing all of themoverwhelmsyou,selectfivefavoritesandtrytoputthemintoactiontomorrow.Usethemwithyourfamily,yourpeers,yourcolleagues,yourpublic.

THEPRINCIPLESOFIMPARTIALITY

Thetwinsofgreatcommunicationarethesamegreattwinsofpolicework:1. Always maintain your professional face; never strive to save your

personalface.Yourpersonalfaceisegoonyoursleeve,yourexpressionof irritation, anger, andbias. Iwouldhavepaid somebody to teachmethatprinciplewhenIwastwenty-one.

2. Always treat the other person as you would want to be treated underidenticalcircumstances.ThisisreallytheGoldenRule,isn’tit?It’sintheBibleandwe’veheard it allour lives,buthowmanyofus live itout?Thenexttimeyourchildrenmisbehave,treatthemasyouwishyouhadbeen treated when you were that age. Too often people grow up andbecome just like the parents they resented. That’s why child abuse isperpetuated through the generations. These twin principles ofcommunication are easy to recite but hard to implement. Most of themistakesI’vemadecanbetraceddirectly tomyfailure tofollowthem.I’veeitherallowedmypersonalfacetocomethroughorIhavefailedto

eventhinkoftheGoldenRule.

MOREONMYLIST

3. Be careful to distinguish between reasonable and severe resistance.Reasonableresistanceisanykindofverbalresistanceyouencounterthatdoesnotinterferewithyourabilitytocompleteyourjob.Whenyouthinkabout it, it is fairly common.Let it go. Ignore it.Don’t let it annoyordistractyou.Ittiesinwithmyremindertoletapersonsaywhathewantsaslongashedoeswhatyousay.

People havedifferent tolerance levels.Howmuch canyou take andnotget upset? I urgeyou, if youwant tobe successful, to increase thequotient.Workonincreasingyourresistancelevelsoyoucankeepfromreactingandemphasizeresponding(seeprinciple9).

Admittedly, there are times when you will face what I call severeresistance,alevelofresistancethatmarkedlyinterfereswithyourabilitytogetyourjobdone.Thatisthetimetodrawtheline,todealwithitandgetyouradversarybackinline.

4.Everyverbalencounterisunique.Youmayworkwiththepublicalldayandcommunicationmayseemtoyoulikeastreamofendlessrepetition.Ifyou’reineffective,itmaybebecauseyouhaveboughtintothatmyth.Asacop,I learnedthatmylifedependedonmyabilitytoseeeachcarstop as unique.With twenty or thirty stops every eight hours, I had torememberthateachofitselfwasdifferent,nomatterhowroutineitmighthave looked. In the workplace, remember that your customers don’trealize they are asking you the same question you have been asked adozen times already. To each the question is important. The forty-firstpersonwho calls does notwant to be treated as if he had called fortytimesearlier.

Makethatforty-firstcallerfeelasifhewereyourfirstoronlycalloftheday.Empathize!

5.Asacontactprofessional,youalonehavetheresponsibilitytocreateandmaintaincontinuousrapportwithpeople.VerbalJudoisahands-onart.Don’texpectotherstobecomepleasant,malleable,orcompliant.

6.Alwayscheckyourownassumptions.Yourassumptionsmaybewrong.Beawareofyourinfluence.Forexample,Iansweredacallaboutaloud

party once, took a lot of verbal abuse, and had to be forthright to getthem to turn down the volume. Forty minutes later I was called backagain,thistimenaturallyassumingthatIwouldbetreatedthesameway.I approached the scene with more vigor and negativity, only to besurprised that theyweremuchmore compliant this time, andwewereable to settle the matter for good. I was fortunate I didn’t make thesituationworsebyallowingmylogical,butfalse,assumptiontomakemeactinappropriately.

7.Controlencounters;don’tbecomeavictimofthem.Thinkofyourselfasacontactprofessionalwho,fromthebeginning,willcontrolthesituation.Don’tletpeoplefoot-sweepyoubygettingyouupset.

Ifyoucan’tcontrolyourself,youcan’tcontrol thesituation.Itstartswithyou.Youhavetobeincontroltocreatecontrol.

8.Use adrenaline; never be ruled by it.A professional fighterwith bloodpouring from his mouth and nose can nevertheless manage a fine leftuppercut and knock his opponent to the canvas. He has used hisadrenalinetohisadvantage,andnowitisraging.Buthedoesn’tjumponhisopponentandrisklosingthefightbyhittingamanwhilehe’sdown.Hegoestoaneutralcorner,becausethat’sthelawofthering.

Aspeoplehassleyouandputpressureonyou,takeprideinyourroleandthinklikeMichaelJordan:Themoreotherspouriton,thebetteryoushouldplay.

9.Respondtopeople;neverreact.ThewordrespondcomesfromtheLatinrespondere,meaning“toreanswer.”Thewordreactsuggeststhatyou’rebeingcontrolledfromtheoutside.

Whenyou are responding, you are in control.You are reanswering,respondingtotheeventwithpower.When,ontheotherhand,youreact,theeventiscontrollingyou.

Hamlet said, “The readiness is all.”Be ready to respond, nomatterwhat. Even if someone is suddenly in your face, accusing you ofsomethingyouhadnotevenimaginedpossible,don’treact,don’tflyoffthehandleandsaythingsyou’llwishyouhadn’t.

10.Flexibilityequalsstrength;rigidityequalsweakness.Thisisaprincipleof the ancient samurai, who spent years teaching young warriorsflexibility.Therigidmindbreaksunderpressure.Youwanttobelikethewillowtreethatbendsintheheaviestwindstormbutdoesnotbreak.

Ifyouareahead-up,face-forward,marchingkindofaperson,you’re

goingtofailathome,inbusiness,andinlife.Takeprideinyourabilitytobendandflex,lookingforvoluntarycompliance,workingtowardbettercommunication.

11.Avoidthedepersonalizationofabstraction.Keepyourlanguagespecific.Abstractionhasakillingquality.Airlines,forexample,toooftenrefertopassengersasfares.TheU.S.governmentmanagedtodepersonalizetheVietnamwarformanyyearsbyreferringtothedeadascasualties,VC,orGIs.Wedidn’t lose anyGeorgeThompsonsor JohnSmiths.We lost aVietcong or a Government Issue, which, like a rifle or a blanket, isinventory,nolongeraperson.

I recommend addressing older people by their last names. “Excuseme, sir, your last name again? Mr. Johnson? Mr. Johnson, I have aquestion...”Ifyou’retalkingtoayoungerman,Irecommendusinghisfirst name. “Excuse me, sir. May I call you Jim? Jim, I’m curiousabout...”Thatspecificitysuggeststhatyoucare.

Abstract depersonalization is destroying our society. Don’t let yourchildrenlabelapersonracially, insteadofasanindividual,or theywillnever be able to skillfully or successfully interact with those differentfrom themselves. Teach them the power and dignity of specificity andpersonalization.

12.Usepositivefeedbackwhenyouleastfeellikeit.It’seasytobepositivewith someone you feel good about. There’s real skill in being positivewhenwhatyoufeelisnegative.

OnebusySaturdaynightIrespondedtoacallaboutanunderagedkidinabar.Hegavemealotoftroubleandit tookmetenminutestotalkhim out of there. It was a dangerous place, so I played it smart, notgettingroughandcausingadisturbance.Whenhefinallywalkedoutthefront door he said sarcastically, “All right, Officer. I’m out of the barnow.”

ItwasallIcoulddotonotsaywhatIfelt. Iwantedtothreatenhimand throwhim in the squadcar, but Iwas testing this veryprinciple. Iforcedmyself to realize that I had gained some voluntary compliance,sarcasticashewas.Didhecomeout?Yes.Washisattitudebad?Yes.Isthat unusual? No. I decided to emphasize the positive and see whathappened.

Isaid,“Letme tellyousomething . . .”andIcouldseehimgettingreadyforsomenegativefeedback.ButIsaidinstead,“Ireallyappreciate

yourcomingout.It’sabusySaturdaynightandI’vegotbetterthingstodo than to get into a tussle with you. And you must have somethingbetter to do thanget into a tusslewith the police andgo to jail.Look,we’retalkingaboutaminorreport.Whatdoyousayweskateonovertothatpatrolcarahalfablockaway,getthisjuvenilesummonsdone,andyou’reonyourway.Nobigdeal.Whatdoyousay?”

Youshouldhaveseenthelookonthatguy’sface.Hesaidokay,andIwasgoneinfiveminutes,paperworkdone,backtoservethepublic.

IfIhademphasizedthenegativeandgonewithmyinstincts,itcouldhave resulted in chaos, a fight, backups called, lots of paperwork, andtime out of service. As it was, I got maximum effectiveness withminimumeffort.

Try that with the people in your orbit. Do the unexpected. If theyexpectyoutobenegative,bepositive.

13.Use self-talk tomaintain controlwhen under assault. Remember youracronyms:

PAVPO: Perspective, Audience, Voice, Purpose, Organization—theoverviewofrhetoricalperspective.

PACE:Problem,Audience,Constraints,Ethicalpresence—thewaytoreadascene.

LEAPS: Listen, Empathize, Ask, Paraphrase, Summarize—the fivegreattoolsofcommunication.

14. Never violate the equity principle. Treat people equally, regardless oftheirage,race,appearance,orapparentvaluetoyou.

15.Cultivateyourconstituency;don’ttrytorunpeople’slives.Ifacustomeroranemployeeisdifficult,forexample,trygoingtheextramileforhim.He’snotexpectingthat,andhewillneverforgetit.Everytimeyoutouchsomebodywithwordsyouhaveanopportunity tomakehimfeelbetterabouthisrelationshipwithyou.Thatgivesyouultimatepower.

FORTHETOUGHESTCASES

Manyoftherestoftheseprinciplesarefromtheancientsamurai,somefrommystreetexperience,andallhavebeentestedintheVerbalJudolaboratoryofreallife.Theyrelatemoretosituationsthathaveescalatedtoanemotionalpitchandhavethepotentialtoturnugly.

16.It’snotenoughtobegood;you’vegottolookgoodandsoundgoodorit’s no good. To make that easier to remember, you might cast it inshorthandthewaytheancientsamuraimayhavesaidit:“Notenoughtobegood;gottolookgoodornogood.”

Intoday’ssocietyit’snolongerenoughtosimplydotherightthing.There are too many video cameras, too many tape recorders, and toomany people who will sue you or make your life miserable if you’rewrong in one point of procedure. Right or wrong, you can still be introuble if you don’t carry yourself and represent yourself (or youremployer)intherightway.

17.SaywhatyouwantaslongasyoudowhatIsay.Needlesstosay,thisisamajor street principle for the police. I teach that they should allowacitizentosaywhathewantsaslongashecooperates.Whocareswhathesays?He’susuallyjusttryingtosaveface.Rememberthiswhendealingwith your children.Unless they’re so disrespectful that that in itself iscausefordiscipline,letthemgrumbleaboutwhatyou’vetoldthem—aslongas theycomply.Beingable togripea littlegives them the feelingthat they still have some say about what happens in their life, eventhoughinrealityyouareholdingthereins.

Theonlytimethisisnotadvisableiswhenyourtargetaudienceisonthe verge of being out of control and his own words can trigger anadrenaline rush in himor in bystanders thatwill provedangerous.Thesame is true at home.Letyour children saywhat theywant as long asthey aren’t getting a sibling or your spouse agitated at the same time.When that happens you need to address not just their actions but alsotheir words, draw a very clean line, and move to discipline. In otherwords, before things get out of hand, youmight have to say, “You, bequiet.You,go toyour roomnowand I’llbe in to seeyou inaminute.You,putthatdownandwaithereforme.”

18.You can have the lastword, because I have the last act is a principleassociatedwith thepreviousone.Obviously it isapoliceprincipleanddoes not apply when you’re simply trying to negotiate with a servicepersonoranequal.Butifyou’reaparentorabossitapplies.Youdon’twanttoflauntitorsayit,butknowingitwillgiveyougreatconfidence.Your employee can cuss you out and flip over your desk, and if it fitsyourpurposeyoucansittheresmilingbenignly.Heknowsaswellasyoudothatthefinalverdict—likelyhisdismissal—lieswithyou.

19.Neverusethosewordsthatrisemostreadilytoyourlips,forthemomentyoudoyouwillgivethegreatestspeechyou’lleverlivetoregret.ThisisoneI’vepersonallyprovenmore times thanIcare toremember. I’manexpert at Verbal Karate, lashing out at people, angering them, burningbridges.Neveroncehasitresultedinanythingpositive.Isaymypeaceandfeelgreattemporarily(seenumber21),andthenIspendmonthsoryearsdealingwiththefalloutofabrokenrelationship.

The words that rise most readily to your lips are always reactiveratherthanresponsive.Youmustchooseyourwordswithaneyeonthegoal:WhatistheonethingIwanttoaccomplish?

20.Ifitdoesn’tworkwithMama,don’tuseitonthestreet.Thisismerelyasimplewaytorememberthatyouhavetotreateveryoneasyoutreatyourfamily.Ifitdoesn’tworktotellyourspouseoryourkids,“Calmdown!”thendon’ttryitwiththepublic.

21.Ifitmakesyoufeelgood,nogood.Ifyousaythethingthatmakesyoufeel the best, nine times out of ten you’remaking amistake. Sadly, itmakesyoufeelgoodtostrokeyourownego,toputsomebodydown,totear intosomeone.Theonlyexceptions to thisprinciplearewhenwhatmakes you feel good is something you knowwill alsomake the otherperson feel good, or when you’re using strip phrases as deflectors(“’preciatethat,understan’that,oyesss”).

22.Never step on someone’s personal face.Allowmost everyone to saveface.Remember,youhavethelastact,sothere’snoneedtoputpeopledown.IwishsomebodyhadtoldmethatwhenIwasateenager,becauseformanyyears Imadeahabitoutofdoing just that, and it resulted innothingbutbrokenrelationships.Youcangetintoaperson’sspace,butneverinhisface.

IfasapoliceofficerI toldsomebody,“Hey,you!Comehere!”he’dimmediately back up. To a person in trouble, “come here”means “goaway.”What Ihad todowas togo tohim inanonthreateningmanner.WhenIgotincloseproximityI’dsay,“Excuseme,sir,mayIchatwithyou?”

BythenImighthavebeenonlyaboutafootandahalffromhim,butbecauseIwasnonthreatening,Iwasnotinhisface.

23.Thelessegoyoushow;themorepoweryouhaveoverothers.Ittakesahealthyegotobealeader,amoverandshaker.IadmitIhaveagooddealofconfidenceinmyselfandmyabilitytocommunicate,speak,andteach.

But if Igotup in frontofanaudienceandbraggedabout that, Iwouldlosethem.Putyouregointoyourjob,intothepeopleyousupervise,intoyourgoals.Butdon’tshowyouregobyrevealingyourpersonalfaceinverbalencounters.

Themostcommoncomplaintaboutsupervisorsisthattheyhavetheirheadsintheair,theirnosesturnedup,“theythinkthey’rebetterthanus.”That’sexactlyhownot tocreateacohesive team.Great teamsarebuiltbyleaderswhochanneltheiregosintotheirpeople.

Thebestsupervisorwillcometoworkeverydaytomakehispeoplebetter thanheeverwas.Thatwas agoalof the ancientmasters, to seetheir students go beyond them. Success comes from others. Put yourpower into others, let them carry the day, and you will be seen as asuccessfulleader.

24.Menarelikesteel;whentheylosetheir temper, theyareuseless.Fine-temperedsteelhasstrength.Steel that lacks temperbreaksunderstress.Thisisanotherprinciplethatgoesbacktothesamurai.

25.Whenyourmouthopens, your ears slam shut.Toomanypeople thinkleadership has to dowith talking. But great leadership hasmore to dowith listening. When you’re talking, you cannot listen. Listening is ahighlyactive,artificialskill.

26. Common sense is most uncommon under pressure. Everybody fromcustomers to clients to people on the street know that if they can getunder your skin, they’re going to ownyou.Keep your cool and you’llmaintainyourcommonsense.

Remember, Verbal Judo is a way, the gentle way, to engage in tacticalcommunication,orwhatIcallcontactprofessionalism.Thinkof itasawayoflife.Itisnotjustforsales,notjusttomakemoney,notjusttodominatepeople.Itisawaytolivewithdignityandpowerandassertiveness.Powerisknowledgeinaction,andtheknowledgeIhopeyou’vegainedfromthisbookhasbeentestedonthestreetbythefinestcommunicatorsinAmerica,thosewhoselivesdependonit.MakeVerbalJudopartofwhoyouare.

28

FinalChapter:TheFiveTruthsThatFitAll

Never-Before-PublishedFinalChapterbyDr.GeorgeThompson

YOU’LLMAKEFEWER errors indealingwithpeoplewhoseculture, lifestyle, andbackgroundarenotlikeyoursbyknowingtheFiveUniversalTruths.

Let me set some context for you here. For years as I traveled across thiscountry(asdidmyVPs,directors,andassociates)teachingVerbalJudo,inmanyplaces I was asked: Does your course help develop sensitivity to culturaldifferences? I said of course, yes, it does. And I do teach critical culturaldifferences.

But I discovered that many departments and organizations had spentthousands of dollars on “cross-cultural training,” a type of training thatmanyadmittedhadslightpositiveeffect. In fact, someevensawanegativeeffect. Itoftenpolarizedpeople,unintentionallysettingonecultureagainstanother.

ItwaswiththisexperiencethataboutayearagoIhadanepiphany:Whatifweaskedtheoppositequestion?Nothowarewealldifferent,buthowareweallalike?Whatistrueofallcultures?Icameupwiththesetruths:

1.Allcultureswant tobe respectedand treatedwithdignity, regardlessofthesituation.Whentreatedwithdisrespect,allpeoplewanttofightandgetrevenge.

2.Allpeoplewouldratherbeaskedthantoldwhattodo.Toaskisasignofrespect;totellisoftenasignofdisrespect.

3. All people want to know why they are being asked or told to dosomething.Tellingpeoplewhy is another signof respect andbasedon

myownresearchonthestreetsofAmerica,I’vefoundthatitcalmsabout70 percent of Difficult People. Not telling people why is a sign ofdisrespect and lowersmorale in all organizations, including one’s ownfamily.

4.Allpeoplewouldratherhaveoptionsthanthreats.Again,offeringpeopleachoiceofactionshowsrespectandallowspeopletosavepersonalface.Threats are not only disrespectful, they force people, if they have anybackbone,toresistandfight.

5.Finally,allpeoplewantasecondchancetomakemattersright.Peoplearehuman; we err and act in ways we wish we hadn’t. Wheneverappropriate,peoplevaluebeinggivenasecondchancetogetitright.

These five truths are indeed universal, regardless of culture, color, race,gender, or sexual preference.Think of a boss shouting at you in a hallway ofyourcorporation,“Hey,yougetinmyofficenow!”

HowmanyoftheUniversalTruthsdidheviolate?Hewas1)disrespectful;2)hedidn’taskbutordered;3)hedidn’tsaywhy;and4)heleftnochoice.Fouroutofthefive!Nice!Howmanytimesasparentshavewedonethesame?“Hey,cleanupyourroom!”Orateachertoastudent:“Pickupyourbook!”

Are you beginning to see why we are becoming an increasingly uncivilsociety?

If you often dealwith people from other countries or cultures, you cannotmake amistake of substance if youobey theseTruths. I believe that the first,treateveryonewithdignityandrespect,hasnoexceptionandshouldalwaysbefollowed,regardlessofthesituation.Noexceptions.

ButtheotherfouraresubjecttoSAFERconcerns,myacronymforthefivetimeswordsalonefail.Sometimeswordsbythemselvesdonotwork,andotheraction(s)must be taken.TheS stands for security of others or property underyourcontrol.Whenthereisasecuritythreat,actionisrequiredandtheabilitytoexercisetheotherfourTruthsbecomesimpossible.Wemayhavetoorder,maynot have time to explain why or give options. The same applies to the A inSAFER:Whenunderattack,act!Notimeformakingtalkprimary.TheFstandsforunlawfulflightfromone’slawfulpresence.Thepoliceexampleisclear—theprisonerruns—butalsoconsiderasituationwhereyourchildmightsuddenlytrytodashintothestreet,orapatientunderyourauthoritytriestofleethehospital.Youhavenotimetotalk,onlyact!

TheEstandsforexcessiverepetition,astatewedefineasexistingwhenwehave covered all our verbal bases and we have no compliance forthcoming.

Whenwehavebothof thesecriteria,wemust takeaction, foregoing theotherUniversalTruths.

The R stands for revised priorities. If when in dialogue with someonesomething unexpectedly happens that is of a greater concern or severity andmustbehandledimmediately,there’snotimefortalk,act!

Words may become secondary in any of these examples, but action isprimary.SAFERisourguideandthe lastfourof thefiveUniversalTruthsaresubjecttoit.

Ihaveoftentaught,“Themoredifferentsomeoneisfromyou,thebetteryouhavetohandlethem.”

ThereductionofmorethanahundredculturestothethreetypesofpeopleorpersonalitiesandtheFiveUniversalTruthsmakeitpossibletoalwaysdelivertheproperresponse,regardlessofdifferences.

AbouttheAuthor

The president and founder of the Verbal Judo Institute, a police training andmanagementconsultantfirm,Dr.GeorgeJ.Thompsoncombinedhisbackgroundasacollegeprofessorandhisblackbelt in judo tocreateaprogramforusingwords to redirect the behavior of others, turning conflict into voluntarycompliance throughpersuasion rather than force.The author of four booksonthesubjectofVerbalJudo,Thompson(akaDocRhino)receivedhisB.A.fromColgateUniversity (1963) and hismaster’s and doctorate in English from theUniversity of Connecticut (1972); he completed postdoctoral work in rhetoricandpersuasionatPrincetonUniversity(1979).Hiswritingwaswidelypublishedinmagazinesandperiodicals,andhisVerbalJudotraininghasbeenhighlightedon such national networks and programs as NBC, ABC, LETN, CBS News,CNN,48Hours,InsideEdition,IntheLineofDuty,andFoxNews,aswellasintheLosAngelesTimes,NewYorkPost,SacramentoBee,andotherpublications.

Aside fromhiswell-known police and corrections courses,DocRhino andhis original group of trainers designed special courses for educators, medicalpersonnel, government and business employees, and airlines personnel. Docpersonallytaughtmorethan200,000policeofficers,andmorethanonemillionpeoplesatinonVerbalJudolectures,whilehundredsofthousandsmorereadhisbooks. Based in George’s home town in upstate New York, the Verbal JudoInstitute has branch offices in Australia, Canada, Sweden, and South Africa,offeringbasicandadvancedcoursesthroughcoreteamsoftrainersinthetacticsandstrategiesofVerbalJudo.

Browse Verbal Judo websites verbaljudoglobal.com andverbaljudoinstituteinc.comformoreinformation.

Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favoriteHarperCollinsauthors.

WithVerbalJudo,you’lllearnhowto:

Lookatconflictcreatively

Remainunderemotionalcontrolduringdisagreements

Findsolutionstopotentiallydifficultsituations

Maintainprofessionalisminanycontext

Usewordsinsteadofactionstoachievegoals

Avoidusinglanguagethatexpressespersonalfeelingsduringconflicts

Employempathytostayengagedwithpeoplewhilemaintainingself-control

Usewordsthatareontargetbyfirstunderstandingthelistener’spointofview

Ensurethatyouareunderstood

Achievecooperationandbreakthroughuncertainty,confusion,anger,mistrust,andevenprejudice

Communicatewithdifficultpeoplewithoutshaming,blaming,ormanipulating

Safelytakeactionwhenwordsfail

Credits

CoverdesignbyAdamJohnson

Copyright

VERBAL JUDO (Updated Edition). Copyright © 1993, 2004, 2013 by Itzy. Allrights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions.By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive,nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen.Nopart of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled,reverse-engineered,orstoredinor introducedintoanyinformationstorageandretrievalsystem,inanyformorbyanymeans,whetherelectronicormechanical,nowknownor hereinafter invented,without the expresswritten permission ofHarperCollinse-books.FIRSTWILLIAMMORROWPAPERBACKEDITIONPUBLISHED2013.LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDatahasbeenappliedfor.ISBN978-0-06-210770-1EPUBEdition©DECEMBER2013ISBN97800623314341314151617OV/RRD10987654321

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