Globalization Inverted

Ahmed Khaled Tawfik

The economist and public intellectual Dr. Galal Amin once wrote that globalization typically moves in one direction that is, from the United States to the rest of the world whereas the reverse of this scenario is limited to the occasional Argentinian dance or Filipino dish. And to that I say, hear, hear!

I understand that American movies and fast food were supposed to help everyone Americanize in one way or the other. But it just really grinds my gears when Im listening to a song or watching a movie from over there and they get to talking abouttheirworld and the things in it, and all I can do is sit here and try to keep my jaw from dropping.

There was this one movie in which the lead actor was talking to his friend about how this one girl reminds me of girls from Detroit. Needless to say, his friend knew exactly what he meant. Yeah, and we Arabs know all too wellwhat these Detroit girls are about, dont we, gentlemen?!

Theres this recurring bit in Western movies where the lead actor is unable to find an olive to put in his martini. Thatsap! And then everybody just starts laughing and howling. Now, to be perfectly honest, I dont know what a martini is, and I dont know why they have to put an olive in it. If you ask me, the only place olives belong is in my cheese sandwiches. I try to get the joke, and I cant though that doesnt stop me from pretending that I do and laughing along. He cant find an olive to put in his martini hah, what aloser!

Theres another movie where the lead actor describes a girl he met as being the kind of girl youd go out with on Thanksgiving. Now you try to get this does this mean that the girl was really attractive? Ghoulish looking? Pleasant? Nasty? How would you know?! And while were on the subject, what kind of girl are you supposed to go out with on New Years, for example?

I was reading a novel once in which the narrator said, I had the feeling you get when youve had your third Bloody Mary on a Sunday night. Yep, Im pretty sure that feeling is universal. Weve all been there, havent we?

And then theres the New York State of Mind, which comes up often enough. Like Im supposed to know what thats about.

Then theres this really pretty song that goes, In a bar in Toledo, across from the depot. All the Americans are familiar with the place, but you have to imagine what its like. And on and on it goes. The examples are endless.

Its simple, though, really, when you think about it: theyre producing these art forms forthemselves! Yeah,youdont get it, but then again who asked you to?! If you want to enjoy their art, then you just gotta hang in there and ride it out.

But then again: had globalization been a two-way street or, alternatively, had we Arabs ruled the world thentheywould have been forced to understand the kinds of thingswesay.

I can just imagine the look on that American chaps face as hes watching an Egyptian movie and the lead actor goes, You know the Qaha entrance, right after Qalyub? The American will understandably have trouble understanding the reference. Meanwhile, every Egyptian knows the place and is aware of how bad the traffic gets near the entrance to the bridge.

They might be reading an Arabic novel and theyll come across the main character talking about how he got the feeling you get when youre with your fiance at a Ragheb Alama concert. The American will experience his darkest hour as he tries to wrap his head around who Ragheb Alama is and how people are supposed to feel at one of his concerts.

Then you might bring upkabsaor, even better, theaqiqayou did for your son. You think the Americans and French will get what anaqiqais? Is it a religious ritual? Is it likea baptism? Maybe its a typhoid vaccine for newborns?!

You might then be talking about that time during Ramadan right beforeiftar, and the feeling of thirst and anticipation you had. Your Western readership will have trouble understanding what Ramadan is, and what the thirst and anticipation was all about. And eventually hes just gonna have to give up!

Or what about your lead characters struggle to find a decentghutra, or a comfortablejilbab? Forget about it! As much as he tries he wont be able to get what a ghutra is. If you were to use the word shemagh instead, it might end up causing him an existential crisis. What in the world is ashemagh? Is it a type of food? Maybe even a rare delicacy, like caviar?

What if you were to say that a guy you knew acted just like Stephan Rosti? He wouldnt understand a word! And how could he? What does he know about Rosti, that charming villain from our old Arabic flicks? Once you mention Zeinat Sudqi or Normandy 2 hell then discover that he needs a course or two in the Near Eastern Languages and Cultures Department.

And dont you dare talk about the kind of girl you go out with for Eid al-Adhafor Petes sake, I dont even know what that girl is like..Ah yesif only globalization would start flowing in the opposite direction, so that I might take my sweet revenge on these Westerners. And that would make up well,kinda for all the distraught moments I spent trying to figure out what kind of girl you go out with on Thanksgiving.