When Crucial Conversations MatterBy Stephanie Demiris, MA Member Relations & Services Specialist, AACN
Objectives: Gain a mutual understanding of the definition of conflict resolution. Gain a mutual understanding of what crucial conversations are and when we need to have them?
Identify our individual styles under stress. Gain a mutual understanding of the key components of conflict resolution. Explore the art of contrasting. Role playing group activity
Bring it all together.
Conflict Resolution Defined:What is conflict resolution?Conflict resolution is a process of working through opposing views in order to reach a common goal or mutual purpose.
Historical context of conflict resolution: Evolved in 1950s and 1960s at the height of the Cold War when the development of nuclear weapons and conflict between superpowers was threatening human survival. Small group of scholars from different disciplines came together to study conflict as a general phenomenon (e.g., international relations, domestic politics, industrial relations, communities, families and between individuals). Conflict resolution as we know it in the business world came about in the late 1980s and early 1990s.
Crucial Conversations:A discussion between two or more people where: The stakes are high Opinions vary Emotions run strong
We typically handle these conversations by: Avoiding them Facing them and handling them poorly Facing them and handling them well
Two Responses to Crucial Conversations:
Fight or Flight
orSilence to Violence
If we go to silence: We avoid we steer clear of sensitive subjects; quickly change the subject Dont say anything we withdraw or leave Blame the group, hoping the message will hit the right target Looks of disgust Sarcasm we mask our true feelings; we sugarcoat
We go to silence when we feel unsafe
If we go to violence: We verbally attack we are threatening or belittling
Act like we know everything We discredit others Use the power of the boss to force our way
Control we force our views by cutting others off, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects and in turn not giving others a chance to share their view Subtly manipulate
We label or stereotype
We go to violence when we feel unsafe
Why should we have crucial conversations? It will improve our health It will improve our relationships It will enhance our job performance and success It will make a difference
How do we have crucial conversations?
Whats your style under stress?
Lets find out by spending some time answering the questions.
When you complete the questions, refer to the scoring sheet to find out what your score means. -We are always in control to change our
Key Components of Conflict Resolution:There are 4 key components to conflict resolution: Controlling emotional responses
Seeking understanding Identifying needs and common interests Seeking mutual benefit or purpose
Control Emotional Responses: Start with yourself first the only person you can control
Reflect what story are you telling yourself about the situation? Is it either/or thinking (look for the and)? recognize how you are positioned (your personal bias; your beliefs, attitudes, values, etc.). Clarify what you dont want Ask yourself what your motives are. Do others trust your motives? Ask yourself what you really want out of this. Do others believe I care about their goals in the conversation?
-Step Out. Make It Safe. Step Back In.-
Seek Understanding: Master your story Notice your behavior are you moving to silence or violence? Get in touch with your feelings Refocus on facts hold your view as a hypothesis (we are aware of our own intentions, but we are rarely aware of other persons intentions) Ask for their story Make it safe help make others feel safe to share their story Carefully listen acknowledge feelings Be willing to change your story as they add to the pool of shared meaning Keep in mind . . . . Storytelling is automatic and happens quickly A set of facts can be used to tell a number of stories Once a story is told, it controls us
Understand Impact and Intentions:
We interpret the impact on us We judge and interpret others intent We Interpret what we see/hear Our past stories, experiences and life history We react to the feelings from these thoughts
Our values and identities
Identify Needs and Common Interests: Listen and hear clearly what others need Look for mutuality Use contrasting statements to state clearly what your needs are
Why Contrasting Statements? Contrasting statements are Do/Dont statements that:
Address others concerns that you dont respect them or that you had a malicious purpose (e.g., I dont want . . . .) Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (e.g., I do want . . . .) It deals with the misunderstanding that has put safety at risk It provides context and proportion Can be used as prevention or first aid Break up into 3 groups and spend some time going over the contrasting activity
Contrasting is important because:
Group Contrasting Role Playing Exercise
Seeking Mutual Benefit or Purpose: Commit to seek mutual purpose by truly caring about the interests of others Work towards mutual respect do others believe I respect them? Brainstorm new strategies together invite opposing viewpoints and play devils advocate Agree where you can If others leave something out, then agree where you can and build from there If you differ significantly, dont suggest others are wrong, rather, compare your views.
Points to Consider:Ask yourself the following questions: How did we each contribute to the current situation? How can we change it? What can we do about it as we move forward?
Dont let the conflict control you. The conflict is not who we are.
Six things to keep in mind when in a crucial conversation
Start with yourself reflect Share your facts
Tell your story Ask for their story (and be open to hearing it!)
Encourage dialogue by enacting mutual purpose Talk, Talk, Talk
References Cited:American Association of Critical-Care Nurses. 2002. Its All About You: A Blueprint for Influencing Practice. Aliso Viejo, Calif: American Association of Critical-Care Nurses Publication. Patterson, K., et.al. 2002. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High. New York: McGraw-Hill. http://www.crucialconversations.com