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CAFFEINEA Novel by Ryan Grabow

PRINTER-FRIENDLY PDF

EGrabow Media, November 2011

This is a work of fiction. Names,characters, places, and events are the

product of that thin !"an Grabow callshis #imaination,$ or are fictitious uses

of #real world$ stuff, as observed b"!"an when he once walked awa" from

his computer, ot lost, and discovered astrane, briht place called #outside.$

This version is strictl" for non%commercial use, and "ou ma" notadd commercials to it.

&ae 202 serves as an e'tension of this cop"riht pae.

(op"riht ) 200*, 2011 b" !"an Grabow

This book ma" be printed and distributed underthe terms of the (reative (ommons

Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States

license. The full license ma" be viewed athttp://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/us/legalcode

FORT MYERS, FLORIDA egrabow.com/media

For the glory of the master programmer, without whom artificialintelligence could never be dreamt of.

1 PART|ONE

The +uestion seemed to trap me. ith each passin da", - felt more -

would need to face it, or that it would destro" me.

- ran m" hand alon the surface of the old poster an advertisement for

one of Thomas Edison/s famous inventions, one of the first devices to capture

a movin imae. -ts simple films had been fantastic marvels to an older

eneration. - thouht of their old sense of wonder, and how it was preserved

in that place. - envied them.- spent a lon moment feelin the surface of the poster with m"

finertips, wonderin wh" it didn/t seem as real an"more. small piece of

card%paper scraped aainst m" nose.

#ou 3tarin off into space -/m impressed.$

- took the orane ticket from 4air/s hand and manaed to smile. #-

thouht "ou hated musicals.$

#ith a passion,$ she said, lancin over. #4itascope,$ she read,

smilin as she tapped her finer on the poster. #(/mon, 5randon, we/re in

Technicolor now.$

The sihts and sounds that da" were familiar and powerful. 3ometimes

it seemed as if the pictures were the onl" 6o" - had left in life, the onl" thin

that could comfort me in difficult times. e took to our seats as the chandelier

lihts dimmed and The March of Timefilled the silver screen with imaes of

the European continent at war.

-sn/t this the sort of thin we want to foret

CAFFEINE 1 RYAN GRABOW


2/202

4air bean shovelin popcorn into her mouth. - found m" hand restin

on her free one, the contact makin me feel anchored to somethin - needed,

as if it were more real than - was, somethin - could admire but never

understand.

There was a flash in the corner of m" e"e.

#Not aain,$ 4air said under her breath.

e knew the litches held nothin ood for us and let the moment

pass, hopin the" would o awa" on their own, or at least sta" small enouh

to be inored.

7n screen, realit" and war were replaced b" imaes of fantas" and

imaination a stor" rounded in a humble famil" farm in 8ansas. The mood

of the room softened as we were drawn into the dilemmas of a irl named

9oroth". - put m" arm around 4air, knowin she would alread" be enrossed

in the plot, musical or no. - reached for some of her popcorn, hopin - would

be fast enouh. M" hand ot smacked. 3uch thins alwa"s amused her. -

plopped m" fedora on her head and pulled it over her e"es. 3he plucked it off,

bit onto the brim and whispered that it needed salt.

#- used to have a neihbor 6ust like her,$ she said as we saw Miss

Gulch sei:e 9oroth"/s do, Toto, claimin the do bit her.

#3eriousl", - think she even hated dos that much.$

#&robabl" a cat person,$ - replied.

#More like she hated all livin thins beside herself.$- lauhed. 3omeone behind us cleared their throat in that ;be +uiet, -/m

tr"in to en6o" the picture/ wa". - rolled m" e"es.

4air leaned closer and whispered, #No sound dampenin. Makes the

theater e'perience more realistic, remember$

- composed a sentence in m" mind and sent it to her. #ell, mister

sensitive%hearin wouldn/t mind if we talked like this.$

#Never mind, we/ll ra on the icked itch of * later,$ she replied

in the same wa". #The" couldn/t do this in the 1*and of 7:, the scarecrow, the tin man, and the cowardl" lion. hen

the house fell, 9oroth" walked out from a sepia past into a colorful future, one

that miht seem more real and more fantastic all at once, takin entire

audiences alon with her.

- was aain "anked from the >and of 7:, b" a sinle streak 4air didn/t

even seem to notice. -t was m" turn to roan.

h" can/t it be real an"more

The litches appeared whenever 4air and - were toether, onl"

rowin worse as the months went b". The ener" of the stor" drew thosearound us further in, and 4air had the iron will to keep her focus where she

wanted it, but somethin kept drawin me back out, callin m" attention to

the illusion.

M" attention fell to m" surroundins the other movieoers, men and

women, individuals and roups, those who #dressed the era$ like us, and those

who preferred to sta" in modern clothin. - could hear the simulation of 4air/s



3/202

breathin, smell the simulation of the butter on her popcorn, and feel the

warmth of what wasn/t reall" her bod". -/m an insomniac, - thouht. - tr" to

dream like all the others, but can onl" curse the pillow beneath m" head.

-t became impossible to inore the noises comin from the front row,

the sound of obno'ious kids. The" were shushed but didn/t care. s the

movie/s villain planted poisoned flowers in the path to Emerald (it", to make

the travelers fall asleep, a loud scream and lauhter erupted. slampak of

Tiger Bloodsmacked into the movie screen.

The spell was broken.

&eople ever"where were suddenl" shiftin in their seats and tappin on

control panels. badl" dressed kid with hue foam hair stood up and "elled

about how #statick$ and #wheeled$ the special effects were, to the en6o"ment

of at least two loser friends.

#h" do the" even breathe$ 4air said. #9on/t those slunks have

an"thin better to do with their time$

The roup was e6ected, the ener" drink all over the screen

disappearin with them. There were a few hushed comments like #the nerve

of those people$ and #see "ou never$ as the room returned to normal ? for

ever"one else@ for 4air and -, bits of advertisements flickered throuh our

vision, ads from elsewhere that clashed with the st"le of the theater. - heard

some kind of hum and the seat colorin became red.

#h" can/t thins 6ust work$ 4air said as the environment beanrespondin to her thouhts aain.

The seats returned to 4air/s dark blue settin and there were no more

interruptions. The endin was happ", of course 9oroth" and her do Toto

returned safel" to 8ansas and the whole thin ended up bein a cra:" dream.

s the lihts came on, patrons bean vanishin from their seats, leavin the

theater altoether@ others walked out to the lobb" to see what events Byrans

Downtownwas offerin in the week to come, or to view the memorabilia and

oriinal posters that members would put up for trade.

The theater was an oriinal construct, its architecture and st"le

modeled in the ornate spirit of theRoxyor Graumans Chinese Theater, and it

was used to screen the ver" same movies those palaces had premiered so ver"

lon before. TheInTekservers were home to man" such constructs, includin

more modern theaters for the t"pe of films 4air went for t"picall" Nine

Minutes to ndromeda st"le hih%ener" science%fiction. The construct we

were in was meant for the serious ancient film buffs of 9"namic !ealit", a

lobal communit" who loed on ever" 3unda" niht to watch the best of

"ester"ear. Thouh -/d onl" visited as a uest on 4air/s subscription, - reall"

came to en6o" the place, even feelin a little like - beloned.

#hat/s the time$

#lmost si' thirt". Gettin late on m" coast,$ she said, with the

cinematic hih obviousl" fadin in the face of a real%life sevent"%hour work

week. #There/s no place like home, - uess.$

#There/s no place like Maran, either,$ - replied, tr"in not to seem

desperate. #Aust for a few minutesB$

4air smiled and plopped m" fedora onto m" head. #Gotta make tracks,

pall"B make sure this 6oint/s on the up%and%up.$ 3he stood and stared at the

rollin credits, losin the twentieth%centur" slan, #- won/t be able to et an"

sleep if this problem isn/t fi'ed. ou know how - am.$#eah, - know how "ou are around a problem that isn/t fi'ed.$ - stood

with her. #ell, -/ll come with "ou. Ma"be we/ll still have time after.$

3he stared at me for a few seconds. #There/s alwa"s time for a sunset,$

she conceded, offerin me her bottomless sleeve of popcorn.



4/202

- looked throuh a lass wall onto the artificial cit", takin in the kind

of view - miht et at the top of a C00%stor" buildin. The sk" was briht blue

with puff" clouds, and birds flew in the distance where a faint rainbow was

visible@ a rainbow alwa"s bein visible in such a sk", alwa"s appearin in

some random direction. The sk" was alwa"s perfect, 6ust like ever"thin else

in 9"namic !ealit".

#-/m tr"in to open m" G


5/202

4eronica,but -nTek offices are closed until Aanuar" third. -f "ou would like to=$

#E'actl"B nother server where the -s are left in chare when the

risk is hihestK$

#!est assured, Miss 3ornat,$ the amai said after another service%

friendl" pause, #that -nTek takes securit" threats ver" seriousl" and onl"=$

#ou don/t,$ 4air said cooll".

#-/m sorr", - didn/t understand the +uestion.$

3he crossed her arms. #asn/t a +uestion, it was a fact.$

nother pause. #-s there an"thin else - can do for "ou toda",

4eronica$

#-/ve had to put up with amai after amai toda". The"/re all

prorammed to tell me how much the" appreciate m" business but not to do

the simplest thins to keep it. n - could never understand how frustratin

that ets.$

-ndeed an amai never could ;understand/ frustration, but occasionall"

one seemed to tr". -t was a common malfunction for 4air to encounter, one

an" e'perienced ascender could reconi:e. The e'pression on its face locked

into a sort of cross between backround processin, simulated reflection, and

the continuous lee that is an amai/s prime directive. This bi:arre look alwa"s

preceded an e+uall" bi:arre action.

4air/s customer service aent closed its e"es, chuckled, and said, #-t

has been a pleasure servin "our -nTek toda", wh" not tr" aain$Favin seen this once%amusin +uirk far too often, m" irlfriend 6ust

threw her hands up. #!ek, !ek, !ek, -/ll deal with it laterB (ommand

>ooffK$

The office bean to disappear around us as the reset amai bid us off

with #Thank "ou for thinkin -nTek realit", en6o" us aain soonK$

fter a few seconds, we were standin in front of a olden revolvin

door with a lare InTekloo stamped above it the entrance to one of the

millions of sk"scrapers in the pla:a environment, one of the man" e'teriors

reularl" reprorammed to look more impressive than the others, and more

worth" of the billboards advertisin hot new constructs and 21%da" free trials.

e stepped out into the public data space 6ust as we would/ve walked out

onto an" cit" street, alwa"s reminded b" the fantastic%lookin people and

maical ob6ects that we weren/t in our flesh%and%blood bodies.

#3tupidK -t/s all so stupidK$

#-t/s not like "ou keep an"thin important on these servers,$ - was

+uick to sa", #and - know "ou make like a trillion backups. 3eriousl", did "ou

reall" lose an"thin valuable$

#No, - didn/t,$ she replied. #There wasn/t an"thin - can/t replace in a

second, but - like to know that the places - store thins are safe. - didn/t have

to worr" so much about this "ears ao, but now it seems like -/m constantl"

rel"in on -s to fi' thins other -s broke. -f the owners of -nTek and the

millions of companies like it would be a little more responsible, their clients

would be a lot happier.$

#eah, but artificial intellience ets better ever" "ear, -/m sure that b"

ne't (hristmas -nTek/ll have much more powerful securit".$

#nd much more powerful viruses for it to fail aainst.$

#ell,$ - said, pacin with hands in m" pockets, #3lidewire wouldn/t

be makin so much mone" if their software wasn/t ood, riht Malvirai are6ust -s prorammed b" punk hackers to be evil. ll the companies have to do

is update their securit" and=$

#The"/re all evil, 5randon, ever" one of them. - don/t care what the -

is prorammed to do help me, anno" me, sin to me, write me a 6a"walkin

ticketB - don/t care that the" don/t think like us or know how much the"/re

ruininB$ 3he took a breath and lowered her e"es. #3orr".$



6/202

- stopped and faced her. #hat/s wron, 4air$

3he looked at me. Fer e"es softened for a moment before the" darted

awa". #- uessB the"/re cuttin m" pa" aain.$

#7h, -/m sorr".$

#Not "our fault,$ she replied. #5etter than losin m" 6ob - uess.$

#5ut "ou deserve better.$

3he took a moment to take in the sweet%smellin air. #hat do "ou

think, 5randon$ she asked. #9o "ou think it was like this hundreds of "ears

ao, durin that ;Great 9epression/$

#hat do "ou mean$

#3impler times. 3implicit" is supposed to be a ood thin, riht Guess

-/m thinkin whether all this ;advancement/ has made hard times better or

worse.$

#ellB The" didn/t have artificial intellience in the 1* ever made and, since "ou 6ust have

the standard base implants, the setup shouldn/t take more than a few minutes.

ou can 6ust din me if "ou need help.$

#Thins are a little better out in (alifornia, 4air. -n fact, when "ou et

sick of the pa" cuts, "ou can alwa"s come live with me in >.$

silent moment passed as she allowed the last of her tension to

evaporate. #e/ll see,$ she said, #- 6ust wish the lamewads in ashinton

would put two and two toether and do somethin to stop this. ou know,

chane the law=$

- felt a whoosh and somethin slammed into m" chest. 3omeone flew

in between us ? someone fast ? nearl" knockin me over. The kid stopped in

the distance and stared back at us. Fe looked disheveled and dark hair came

down to cover much of his face. M" e"es were drawn to somethin

limmerin around his neck. chain.

dirt" and worn card had been left in m" hand, bearin the imae of askeleton ridin a horse. 7n the top the card said #9ETF.$ - sprun the

creep" thin from m" hand and it fell to the walkwa". - looked up aain and

the kid was one.

#-t/s a tarot card,$ 4air said.

#9on/t ? 9on/t pick it up, it miht ? - don/t know ? have some bad

code on it or somethinK$



7/202

#Aust some kid tr"in to mess with "our head.$ 3he held the card

between her finers and it vanished. #3ee 9eleted. t least - ot to fi' one

problem toda".$

- leaned on a wall and took some deep breaths.

#ell,$ she said, #uess that was prett" strane. re "ou all riht$

#eahB 8ids,$ - said. #-f it/s not slunks throwin soft drinks at the

cowardl" lion, it/s otta be somethin else, riht$

#eah, kidsB with their Model Ts and their (oca (ola, dancin the

Rock and Roll. ;To hell in a handbasket,/ however that/s supposed to work.$

e both lauhed.

#- see "ou/re doin more research behind m" back, but - think the

dance was called ;the (harleston./$

#ell, whateverB now - definitel" can/t sleep,$ 4air said. #Ioret real

life and ever"thin close to it. >et/s et awa". >et/s et awa" from all of

them.$

The star called!"nkislowl" dropped below the western hori:on@ its

ra"s e'ploded into ever" shade between amber and violet and shimmered off

the surface of the Aunei 7cean. Maran/s thick 3aturn%like rins faded over the

water, waitin to be revealed as a brilliant arch in the northern niht sk". e

sat on the beautiful rass and listened to the melod" of the ocean waves on thebeach below. 4air/s 6et%black hair danced in the liht bree:e, her head restin

on m" shoulder. The air was fresh and smelled sweet, 6ust as all the air was

sweet in 9"namic !ealit".

7f all the real and fictional landscapes a couple could en6o", we chose

that beach in Maran/s southern hemisphere as our spot. Maran was a real

place rendered fiction@ a far%off planet once thouht to resemble Earth. Aust a

few "ears earlier, Maran had been a popular settin for fiction and

speculation on the life forms that lived there, the cities we could build there,

the resources we could mine, and so on.

hen the probe revealed Maran to be "et another dead rock, the stories

ended and price" top%+ualit" simulations of the planet became practicall" free.

The speculators buried their old work and picked new planets as audiences

stood waitin for the ne't bi fren:".

#E'ploration is dead,$ 4air once said durin a niht there. #nother

planet supportin life wouldn/t have to resemble Earth this much, would it

The"/re 6ust cop"in and pastin their own perfect visions of Earth onto ever"

star in the sk" and seein if mone" comes out@ then some truth is revealed and

ever"one whines for two da"s, until the"/re iven somethin else to distract

them. ("cle complete.$

4air/s opinion of modern science alwa"s ran hot%cold, for reasons ver"

personal to her. 3till, she felt she had a riht to bask in the knowlede of

mankind and 6ude the value of ever"thin. 3ometimes the trips to Maran

would inspire her to talk science with me, a sub6ect -/d wanted nothin to do

with since collee, but which she had a wa" of ettin me cauht up in. -

would start rememberin facts and arue aainst her, even manain to

chane a couple of her theories over the months. - never e'pected her reaction

to m" small victories, thouh@ she en6o"ed losin more than winnin, because

it meant she learned somethin new.There was no debate that da". - ran m" hand throuh her lon hair,

seein her as the fraile and precious woman -/d once known her as. Fer

vanitar was surprisinl" true to real%life in a crowd of leopard%striped,

platinum%e"ed divers, hers was embellished onl" b" a stripe of indio runnin

down her hair. 3he was alwa"s so confident and secure, sometimes even

lettin her individualit" et the better of her, but alwa"s sta"in respectful and



8/202

open to others. -t was hard to believe that the first time we met, - saw her as a

bird with a broken win shattered, desperate, and talkin franticall" of

suicide.

- onl" did what an" human bein would.

4air was the natural%born dauhter of two veetoo parents. The" split up

when she was onl" eiht months old and she spent her earl" childhood bein

shuffled between mother and father like luae, until one of them left

suddenl" to live on Mars. 4air learned to inore her pain and succeeded in

spite of it, competin well aainst the lab%born son her mother trul" wanted.

Even in school, thouh, 4air felt like an outcast. Thouh she wasn/t a veetoo

herself, the normal children re6ected her because she bore the marks of enetic

enineerin. The veetoo children also re6ected her, because she wasn/t born in

a lab. -n time, the "oun 4air simpl" decided aainst wantin friends, because

others couldn/t be trusted.

Fer mother would talk about how euenics was the future of mankind

and how 4air and her half%brother 9ean were livin proof of mankind/s

triumph over nature. 4air eaerl" studied enetics, believin it would brin

her closer to her mother, until she found herself challenin a popular theor".

4air was surprised when her mother didn/t approve and it was the first time

she felt she had to choose between #loic versus politics.$ 3he couldn/t

understand wh" people hated her. The" would spend so man" hours preachin

ideas about life but, for all her mind was fed, her heart was allowed to starve.3he had no knowlede of how to identif" pain or release it.

5" her fifteenth birthda", the walls between 4air and her mother had

rown hiher. 3he moved out the same week and tried to foret about famil".

-t made her feel better, at first.

-n 4air/s senior "ear of collee, her father contacted her@ he/d moved

back and wanted to be a part of his dauhter/s li fe aain. Ior reasons she

didn/t understand, she accepted the offer and bean meetin with him in

9"namic !ealit". Fer father had taken up drinkin, thouh, and the whim%

driven bondin sessions became meaninless and empt". 3he came to despise

her father and tried to stop seein him, but he saw throuh her stron front

and took advantae of her fraile emotional state. 4air kept visitin. 4air kept

pretendin.

Ior all the strenth she had, no knowlede or inorance could hold it

an" loner. Thouh she never reconi:ed the dam holdin back inside her, it

had been real, and it was finall" startin to burst, causin a lifetime of buried

pain to overtake her in the blink of an e"e.

The strane part was - didn/t even want to be where - was that da".

The audible clock announced the top of the hour in its pleasant

omnipresent voice. - wiped the moisture from m" e"es and noticed the sun

had set, leavin onl" a faint low on the hori:on. - also noticed 4air had been

a little too successful in forettin her bus" schedule. - nuded her back into

lucidit".

#ou heard the man, better et some sleep.$

3he roaned and didn/t move, #-/m sick of computers. ou tell me

what time it is.$

#-t/s eiht :eroes, and "ou/ve ot mone" to make tomorrow.$

3he slowl" ot up and composed herself.

#-s ever"thin ood for New ears$ she asked. pulse of an'iet" went throuh me. #eah,$ - replied, tr"in to recall

the plan we/d made. #The train tickets are waitin in m" mailbo'. -/ll leave

Thursda" niht and meet "ou in Times 3+uare around noonB if it arrives on

time.$

#- can meet "ou in &enn 3tation if it/s easier.$

#hB$ - stood up. #fter that fort" hour train ride h" not$



9/202

#(ome on, it/ll be 6ust like the last time "ou came to see me "ou/ll

order an mber &lus from the dinin car, download some architectural

6ournal, bur" "ourself in it, and then the conductor/ll have to wake "ou up.$

No, - thouht. This won/t be like the last time.

- felt a hand on m" shoulder. #-s ever"thin all riht, 5randon$ 4air

asked. #ou seem a littleB off.$

- took a deep breath, pushin sorrow awa", and told m"self to smile.

#7h, "ou know. ork stuff. ou know how useless prosperit" aents are.

Nothin to worr" about. -/ll have real work soon enouh, an"wa"B the west

coast is ood like that. ll - have to do is dream it and there/ll be a 6ob.$

#5ut what ood is a dream that doesn/t become realit"$

7ur e"es locked for a moment, and - couldn/t tell whether she was

bein her usual co" self or dead serious.

-s it reall" possible 9oes she reall" care about me

#ell, "ou know,$ she said. #Thins will work out, "ou have talent and

someone has to see it eventuall".$

3he lifted the sleeve of her riht arm, e'posin the descender around

her wrist.

The an'iet" rushed back, but - knew - had to let her o. #5ack to the

real world,$ - said to fill the silence. #(ra:ies and all.$

#e all otta o back sometime, or else where/s the fun of ettin

awa"$3he smiled, usin the point she/d made to slinshot her mood into

somethin more eneretic. #ll riht, slo%mo,$ she teased, holdin her

descender in front of me. #-f "ou/re the one left standin this time, -/ll be

e'tra nice ne't movie and let "ou have some popcorn.$

#9urin one of "our weeks to pick$ - said, absentl" scratchin m"

head. #ou don/t even eat popcorn durin those movies.$

#9urin Citi#en $ane, then.$

- lifted m" arm halfwa". #ctuall", - still have somethin to do up

here. -/m not even tired.$

#7hB 3ure.$ 3he shrued her shoulders and put her hand on the

button. #Then -/ll see "ou Irida".$

- nodded. #eahB Irida". No force in nature will be able to keep me

awa".$

4air smiled and nearl" pressed the button of her descender. #7h,

rihtB (ra:ies. 9on/t be surprised if "ou see a lot of star%a:ers runnin

around down there. 9ean= uhB$

M" e"es widened in interest. #9eanB$ - repeated, hopin she/d finish

the sentence.

4air let out a soft lauh, tr"in to muddle throuh her discomfort.

#eah, he started respondin to m" messaes aain.$

rin formed on m" face and rew lare. - felt like a bo" who 6ust

found his pupp".

Too much 6o" too fast, thouh. 4air stashed it awa" and sihed. #-

don/t even know wh" - felt like talkin to him aain. Fe put me on his

;friends/ list and now - keep ettin all these pointless forwarded messaes

about some supernova in the sk". n"wa", - 6ust wanted "ou to know. -t/s a

new shin" ob6ect and "ou know how the public loves shin" thins.$

#5ut 4air, "ou love cosmolo". - can/t remember the last time we sawa supernova. -t/s e'citin.$

That manaed to brin a little of her smile back. #-/d hope "ou don/t

remember, last supernova bein almost a thousand "ears ao.$ 3he reached up

and put a hand on m" shoulder. #- don/t know if - care an"moreB -/m sure

it/ll be a feature on all the cosmolo" sites. -/ll look at the data and ma"be

somethin/ll catch me. n"wa"B$



10/202

- put m" hand over her descender. #- know "ou still love 9ean. Ma"be

he/s ettin fed up in that house. Fe/ll need to rel" on his bi sister.$

#5i sister,$ she repeated, as if she never considered the title before,

but thouht it miht be a ood one to have.

#3tandard !ealit" is touh sometimes@ but remember -/m there, tooB

onl" a din awa".$

- kissed her, wantin to ive her somethin to brin her throuh the

work week, to sa" nothin of m" own. 5ut the contact reminded me of the

distance about to come between us, and - couldn/t bear the thouht. - felt -

was about to burst. Embarrassed, - moved m" finer to press the button and

felt m" lips lose contact with hers. -n her descender/s millisecond%speed,

4air/s vanitar was one from the d"namic universe. - was alone aain. There

was no liht left on the hori:on.

- collapsed onto the round, facin the simulated niht sk" and tr"in

to calm m"self. The ticket from 5"ran/s 9owntown slipped out of m" pocket.

- picked it up from the rass and felt it with m" finertips, thinkin on all the

e'periences we/d shared in both worlds. -t frihtened me to think that, in time,

she would discover the man - trul" was. - thouht when that da" came, -

miht have nothin left. >ike a character in a movie, - was sure that da"

would be when the reel of m" life would reach its end and - would fade awa".

ho was - in love with as it the bird with the broken win, who

needed me 7r was it the woman she was free to become around me, who -seemed to need

- looked at the ticket nothin more than a formalit" ? a souvenir for

those tr"in to make the e'perience more authentic.

-t was her authenticit" that brouht out the best in me, - thouht. Fer

authenticit" was how we started oin to Byrans - told 4air - lived in >,

she commented about it bein the movie capital of the world, and - told her

how much - liked ancient film. -t was an idle thouht, but she used it to make

m" own interest more special.

-t was as - thouht she was makin me more real.

5ut - don/t deserve authenticit", - thouht as - threw the ticket into the

wind. - knew she wanted to patch thins up with her brother, and "es, - was

the one who encouraed her@ but who was - to do such a thinB when -

couldn/t stand the siht of m" own brotherB when - could never forive him

for what he/d done to me.

More tears came, tears - was lad she wasn/t there to see. - e'pected

some difference to take 4air awa", 6ust like ever" other irl, 6ust like ever"

other person in m" life@ but as the months passed, - loved her more and m"

dreams for our future rew bier. - let the dreams row. - committed m"self

to them in spite of her dim view of famil" and marriae, even as those scars

bean to appear as a ceilin to m" love.

- closed m" e"es and thouht aain about the moment -/d been

valuable to her, when she was torn to pieces b" her life.

That/s not a future. nd if that terrible memor" is all - have to offer

herB

- la" on the rass for several minutes. -n m" memor", the dunes of an

> beach surrounded me@ it was the +uestion - had asked two da"s before, as -

la" starin at the niht sk". - reali:ed the stars of Maran were the same as the

stars of Earth. - reali:ed - was starin at a cheap, twinklin cop".- 6umped to m" feet screamin inhumanl" into the air. - remembered

the feelin of peace that came over me the other niht and cried, knowin no

such feelin e'isted, scoldin m"self for bein such a fool. - knew - hadn/t

asked an" stupid host or alien for an answer. - knew no such thins e'isted,

and that no one could hear me. - knew the onl" difference between fake%9!

and real%3! was the bill the" sent me for time spent.



11/202

- moved m" hand to m" descender, unwillin to perceive fake rass,

stars, and oceans an" loner. hatever realit" reall" was, it wouldn/t let me

sta" in an illusion an" more. Ever"thin of value to me was now in the other

world, down in the world - called 3tandard !ealit".

- cursed when the booth/s panel onl" bu::ed at me, kickin the door

from the inside until it offlined itself. - stepped into the hallwa" and waited for

the fo to clear in m" head, and for m" e"es to stop burnin in the dim

lihtin. - chued water from the fountain and rabbed m" windbreaker,

eaer to et to the beach. The chemical stabili:er was wearin off and - was

starvin.

The outside air beckoned to me as - walked into the lobb". few kids

in full slunk%foamer realia looked up and bean to shout amon themselves

about who would et the vacated booth.

#- hope "ou en6o"ed "our e'perience, Mister 9auphin. ou/ll be happ"

to know toniht/s chare of fift"%five%fort"%four ninet" fulfills "our Economic

3timulus re+uirement for this "ear.$

- scratched m" e"es, rubbin the sleep out. #ell, that/s ood. Not a

moment too soon, eh$

3he lauhed. -t was a lauh that sounded far too familiar. - looked and

reali:ed the usual rouch" man wasn/t watchin the store.#Thank "ou for usin Leph"rTek,$ she continued with diitall"%precise

lee. #lwa"s low prices, alwa"s reat customer service. &lease come back

soon.$

The wind on 4enice 5lvd. was unusuall" cold, and puddles from the

da"/s rain were still on the sidewalks. - opened the statement the %site sent to

m" 3N9> implant and 6umped straiht to the end. here there would alwa"s

be names of manaers and lenth" data on their state operator licenses, it now

simpl" said #our amai was Erica.$

- closed the file, deleted the file, reformatted the data space where the

file had been, and tried to put it out of m" mind and focus on where - was

oin. The buildins around me became newer and newer, finall" liftin off

the round, so a forest of trees mi'ed with a forest of pillars. Ever"one

thouht >/s moderni:ation was makin the cit" more beautiful, but it 6ust

ave the chill" wind more paths to take. s - pulled m" raed windbreaker

tihter around me, cursin silentl" at the cold, another one of the pests came

from beside me so abruptl" m" heart nearl" 6umped into m" throat.

#Fow "a doin (old niht, huh$

tall, bleached blonde woman. Fer personalit" and clothin were

e'actl" what men like me were supposed to o for, e'actl" the kind of charm

men like me welcomed. - locked m" e"es to m" steps ahead and picked up m"

pace, thouh - knew inorin her was futile.

#ou know what 4ent/s E'treme is doin toniht Falf%off drink

specialsK ou should oK$ 3he pointed to the club/s well%lit entrance, an

elevator near the end of the block.

#Aust please 6ust o awa".$

#ou know,$ she continued, #4ent/s was rated the top niht club in >os

neles in a recent surve". 4ent/s has all the hottest sled%ek from all the

biest bands Eleven Hnder, -nsane E'plosion, 3i' 3i' 3i'B$- broke into a sprint, stoppin when she materiali:ed riht in front of

me.

#ou know how hihl" 4ent/s E'treme holds customer service 4ent/s=$

#ctuall", - don/t knowK - don/t want to knowK Ma"be with an" luck,

"ou/ll leave me alone and -/ll never knowK$ -n that instant, - saw how

attractive she was and m" mind betra"ed me. #Go awa"K$ - shouted at the top



12/202

of m" luns. #5eat itK >eave me aloneK$

Ever"one on the block looked up, takin a moment to lauh before

the" returned to what the" were doin. The holoram in m" wa" vanished.

s if the obno'ious pop%up billboards aren/t bad enouh, - thouht. -

must have a shirt on that sa"s #3ell Me 3omethin.$

s m" shoes finall" hit the beach sand, - noticed floodlihts ahead.

iant sandcastle sat before me one far be"ond m" e'perience of overturnin a

pail of sand and pokin finer holes for windows. 3omehow the siht was

peaceful to me.

#Nice, huh Took him si' da"s,$ said a short man standin ne't to me.

bo", "ouner than even the slunks who fouht over m" ascension

booth, came into view around the side of the castle. Fe looked happ" and

determined, as if a true builder at heart@ but far too "oun to build such a

behemoth in si' da"s, or even to et all the e'tra sand he should have needed.

#Aust him$

#ell, friend, - sure can/t build somethin like that.$ Fe lauhed. #Ieel

kinda unworth" 6ust lookin at it.$

- s+uinted m" e"es and saw somethin else, a briht point of liht that

wasn/t one of the floodlihts. #hat/s that in the sk"$

#-sn/t it beautiful how that liht 6ust seems to complement ever"thin

-/ve seen it without the floodlihts and it/s spectacular.$

#5ut what is it$#7h, "ou don/t know$ The man looked at me. #-t/s a supernova.$

- saw others minlin and admirin the "oun builder, with a stead"

stream of new people addin to the crowd. #ell,$ - said, #it/s ver" nice, but

this stuff isn/t for me. Thanks an"wa".$

%lammersconcession stand was located alon the 7cean Iront alk.

The stand alwa"s had the same teenaer behind the counter a bo" with lon

black hair and a chain around his neck. Fe was alwa"s clean cut and kind

e'actl" the sort of person who should keep their 6ob in a slow econom".

#Fow "ou doin$ - asked, lad to be talkin to someone real aain.

#h, 5randon. Fow are "ou doin toda"$ the bo" asked with a smile.

Fe placed a slampak of mber &lus and a 5oost 5ar on the counter.

#ctuall", uhB - was thinkin about tr"in somethin a little stroner

toda".$

Fis e"es widened with interest and his smile rew larer. 3omethin in

the re+uest thrilled him, but when he turned to see what he had, he stopped.

#3ure$

#ell, - don/t know,$ - said. #The &A 6ust isn/t workin for me like it

used to. 9o "ou have an" (ode hite, or 3parcB the" alwa"s show sloths

6umpin around in their ads, ma"be that means it/ll wake me up better.$

#5randon,$ he said kindl", #wh" the chane ou/ve been drinkin

mber for as lon as - can remember.$

#h" an"thin - don/t know. - 6ust have this nain feelin like -

should chane somethinB it/s weird.$ - couldn/t resist the ure to look at the

scene behind me. #- can/t see the liht from this anle. &rett" wheeled for "ou,

- uess havin the supernova blocked b" the castle here. This stand is mobile,

ma"be "ou should move it.$

#-t/s 6ust a starB No need to have it shinin in m" e"es all the time.$

The star was much brihter than - thouht. #eah, - uess "ou/reriht,$ - said, blinkin and returnin to the counter.

#Iort"%five,$ he said he unlocked the slampak.

#hat$

#ou/ve had a hard da", 5randon. -/ll 6ust chare "ou half price.$

#ow, thanks. Fow/d "ou know$

The bo" shrued his shoulders and slid the lowin can of mber



13/202

&lus across the counter, its voice chip speakin the mandator" health

warnins. - +uickl" onlined the drink, feelin the &A enter m" bloodstream,

revelin in its familiar boost of ener".

#Aust remember those halo%hotties never last lon,$ the bo" said.

#&eople usuall" et tired of ;em after a monthB can/t imaine wh", thouh.$

#No, not like thatK$ - corrected, more eaerl" than - knew. #NotB not

like that at all.$

#7h, how could - foret,$ the bo" replied, sharin none of the surprise

at m" own outburst. #That irl from (onnecticut, riht$

#4eronica.$

#3o she loves "ou, then$

#- ? - think so.$

#>ove is such a wonderful and useful thin, 5randon. ou/d be

surprised what "ou can make someone else do when the" have real emotions.

-t/s like divertin the unstoppable power of a river.$

#ellB - don/t know. Ma"be love isn/t a thin we/re supposed to

manipulate. Ma"be it/s somethin that should bloom like a flower.$

#nd that/s wh" "ou/re unhapp",$ he said. #The successful

relationship is the one "ou control. The ones who don/t take chare are the

ones who et walked on their whole lives. 9o it "our own wa", there is no

other answer.$

- looked at him blankl". Hsuall", - was ood at 6udin people/semotions b" their e"es, bod" lanuae, and speech. - felt a little

uncomfortable then, but didn/t know wh". #3ometimes, - think certain thins

weren/t meant to die. hat - mean isB - don/t know what - mean. - 6ust know

- think there/s somethin - want to know. Ma"be it/s some ;fate/ stuff like

people talk about all the time m" place in the universe, nature/s plan for me,

ma"be even bier than that.$

- saw the kid s+uint his e"es a little. - was castin a faint shadow on the

counter.

#ell, if bein serious with that irl is what "ou want, then it/s the

riht thin to do.$

#No,$ - said hesitantl". #-t has to be deeperB more realB$

- turned to see what was so briht behind me, but all - saw were the

people and the castle.

The kid leaned over the counter and put his hand on m" shoulder.

#5randon, what/s more real than "our own desires$

- thouht about the +uestion, looked up and swiped m" wrist on the

vendreader, charin fort"%five dollars to m" accounts.

#ou/re riht,$ - said to him. #s alwa"s.$

- let m"self in and walked down the hallwa" drab, peelin wallpaper

for the e"e, creak" boards reetin m" ever" step, and ciar smoke thick

enouh to taste. 5ill/s ;office/ was in his kitchen, where he could alwa"s be

found with a reas" meal or ciar in one hand and the other on the

roundtemB not that he ever did much work with it.

#5illK -t/s 5randon, what/s the ood wo=$

Fis hard voice broke in from down the hallwa". #Go home, 9auphinK

8oreans ot it.$5ill was a lonel" man well into his nineties with leather for skin and

thin, unkempt hair. Fe had a wife and a son, once. 5efore - learned not to like

him, we touched on the sub6ect of famil" and it became obvious it wasn/t a

comfortable sub6ect. The rumor - heard was that his son died in an accident.

5ill flicked the ciar onto the ashtra" but didn/t look awa" from the

roundtem monitor.



14/202

#ou should/ve 6ust shot me a=$ (ouh. #3hot me a din. No need to

walk all this wa" 6ust=so -=$ (ouh. (ouh. #3o - could tell "ou to bu::

off. Told "a. 8oreans.$ (ouh.

#- keep tellin "ou - like the e'ercise. Now ? what ? do ? "ou ? have ?

for ? me$

- leaned over his desk, but he still stared at his roundtem.

#5ill,$ - said, wantin to shout it.

#Nada. Lilch. >ike - keep tellin "ou, what the -ndians and Mor=$

(ouh. #Moroccans don/t et, 8orea does. (heck back in two weeks.$

#ou alwa"s sa" that. 5ill, - need mone". - 6ust bouhtB$ - closed m"

e"es and calmed m"self. #!eall", -/m bein here.$

(ouh. #hat part of ;two weeks/ don/t "ou understand Two.

eeks.$ (ouh.

#eah, - heard that part. - can/t wait two weeks. ou/re m" ;prosperit"/

aentB it/s "our 6ob to keep me emplo"ed.$

#9on/t like it Iile another complaint with the state office. - don/t care

an"more.$

#ou don/t care This is m"B$

The thouht vanished from m" mind, and - felt ver" small. Ior a

moment, - +uestioned how important a few dollars reall" were. - +uestioned

whether the bad econom" miht have been as hard on 5ill as it was on me. -

+uestioned wh" - was ettin so mad, and - +uestioned what the purpose ofaner would be if there reall" weren/t a 6ob for him to rant.

#ou don/t need a doctor or somethin, do "ou kid ou know, - don/t

have the kind of pull - used to with the health board.$

- let o of the desk and took a step back, rubbin m" forehead. -/d

broken into a cold sweat. sense of veneance rose up within me, and -

remembered what the server at %lammerssaid about takin chare.

#- have a desire and nothin else mattersK$

5ill moved his ciar to his mouth and looked back to the roundtem.

#Good for "ou, kid.$

The words didn/t do what - wanted. M" rash attempt at takin chare

onl" succeeded at embarrassin me. #- didn/t mean that ? - mean, - did, but ?

there/s somethin -/m plannin ne't week ? on New ear/s, it cost me a lot of

mone". - know there/s no reason for "ou to help me, but - reall" need it. - need

to do somethin, an"thin, to feel like -/m useful to someone, to feel like - can

supportB someone, if she/ll have me.$

3ilence filled the room. 5ill finall" ave his attention to me, his dulled

brown e"es on the vere of wettin, as if he heard ever" word - didn/t sa".

#There was a timeB when a soldier could serve a few "ears, settle

down, et a ood 6ob and make a ood livin.$ Fis a:e fell toward the desk,

focusin on nothin in particular. #- wish "ou kids the best, reall" - do, butB

it/s not the wa" it was a centur" or two aoB and there/s nothin - can do to

save m" life that/ll ive "ou another dollar. That/s 6ust the world and -/m

sorr".$

Ior a moment, the onl" sound in the room was from the entle waves

crashin on the beach outside.

5ill sat up and couhed aain. #hat/s a dead do like me know

an"wa" Go spend the time with "our irl.$ (ouh. #5usiness hours start

back up in two weeks. - alwa"s et somethin then. Fapp" New ear in themeantime.$ (ouh. ith that, he puffed on his ciar and put his e"es back on

the roundtem.

- knew -/d seen a side of 5ill rarel" shown. bsentmindedl" - took a

step toward the hall. #3he/s workin until Irida". -f "ou have an"thin at

allB$

5ill sihed. #hen - was "our ae, we didn/t have the fanc"



15/202

download%the%whole%friin/%net%in%two%seconds implants.$ Fe pulled out a

worn book and put it on the desk in front of me. #5ack then, we read printB$

Fe tapped his finer on the cover. #Nothin to do Get some common sense.$

(ouh.

The book was titledDestiny for a New &ou. -ts cover had a chimpan:ee

starin up at a departin HI7 t"pical artwork for an"thin advocatin

Destiny 'f 'rdered Mankind. -n m" mind, - saw those people atherin

around the sandcastle and their devotion to the kid who built it. - wondered

whether the alien%plants%seed 6unk was an" different. #7ne star oes boom

and suddenl" all mankind loses their minds.$ - slid the book back across the

desk.

#hat star$

- looked at him like he was an idiot. #The supernova. here have "ou

been -t/s outside "our house riht now.$

#ell, -/m sure it/s ver" nice,$ he replied in the same condescendin

wa", #but that stuff isn/t for me. Thanks an"wa".$

- drank from m" slampak and started back down the hallwa". #Aust

make sure "our new reliion doesn/t et in the wa" of m" career, oka"$

#!eliion hat/s in "our head, kid The (elestials are out there, it/s

proved b" scienceK$

#!ek, !ek, !ek,$ - muttered as - stepped outside, thinkin of how -/d

wasted another fifteen minutes of m" life.

The emotion faded as - walked alon the border between land and sea,

deepenin the reali:ation that - had no hope. t the mere ae of twent"%five, -

saw m"self as a dead do. (omin to (alifornia was supposed to open doors

for me, but it seemed all - did was throw m" histor" awa" and tr" to start over

in a deca"in ruin. The last two "ears had one b" so impossibl" fast, and -

was ashamed how lon it/d been since m" last serious attempt to land work.

h" should - ive up There are still a few real 6obs left. - have a

desire, andB

- stopped walkin and stared at the sand ne't to m" shoes.

Band -/m not the onl" one with a desire. There will alwa"s be better

people than me, waitin to take ever"thin - have.

The wind died down and - heard footsteps ahead of me. man was

approachin from the nearb" docks. 8nowin how much cops patrolled that

stretch of beach, - started walkin slowl", pa"in close attention to m" 3N9>

to make sure - was sta"in on the beaches #reen path$ the unmarked and

alwa"s%shiftin :one where it/s leal to walk. - became more self%conscious

with each step, tr"in to cover the slampak with m" windbreaker, hopin this

u" didn/t notice it strobin colors, hopin he would 6ust inore me.

>eislation clun like manets to ever" environmental +uirk, rare

species, or powerful person/s whim in that place. - knew laws were the price

of walkin on a real beach in the real world, that the" were essential to

civili:ation. Then wh" should - be so nervous ever" time - see one of these

u"s, - wondered as - felt m" pulse speed up and bean losin feelin in m"

les. - looked awa" from the man, then remembered to slow m" pace, then

looked somewhere else because lookin at one thin too lon is suspicious,

then remembered to pull m" windbreaker a little tihter, while tr"in to thinkif - was doin an"thin else illeal. break formed in the clouds over the

ocean.

- stopped.

fter what ma" have been seconds or hours, - became aware of the

other man aain. - blinked and saw nothin more than a point of liht in

space, so - looked awa" riht at a shinin >&9 bade hanin from the



16/202

man/s shirt pocket. M" a:e fell absentl" to the sand and the slampak that

slipped from m" hand. - was overcome b" a familiar sinkin feelin as -

stared at the spilled orane li+uid eiht" thousand dollars for possession on a

beach, fift"%five thousand for pollution, plus the mandator" court appearance.

-f the officer/s in a ood mood, he miht stop there.

#h" are "ou lookin down$ he said. #>ook up at the sk".$

n impulse sured in me, enouh to snap me out of m" fro:en state

and brin me to look him in the e"e. #-s that an order, sir$

#bsolutel" not.$

- narrowed m" e"es, not sure what to think about him. - could see his

bade, the onl" mark he wore that hinted at his emplo"er, and - knew he could

fine me and test me and arrest me and whatever else the laws said, and that -

should have been tr"in to think of e'cuses and defenses, fiurin out the

patrolman/s soft%spot and how to take advantae of it, but m" infuriation was

bein pulled awa", and m" thouhts abandoned as foolishness. - did want to

look at the sk" aain, - reali:ed, and so - did, and of m" own free will. The

liht was several times stroner than the brihtest stars. The clouds shifted

aain, and it seemed ridiculous to me that somethin so small and local should

block somethin so hue and universal.

#-t/s been there since last niht. (osmoloists think it/s the larest

event ever witnessed in this ala'" a nova so lare that it affected its entire

reion of space, its liht stron enouh to cut throuh the vacuum and be seenat a distance reater than an"thin we/ve known. nd b" the naked e"e, at

that.$

#That/s ama:in,$ - said, as if the one standin ne't to me were a

lifelon friend. #-t makes "ou think about how we/re all made of stardust, "ou

know$

#9oes that thouht impress "ou$

-t took a moment for the +uestion to catch up to me. M" siht fell

aain to the Earth. #7f course it impresses me. >on after -/m dead and

cremated, the stars/ll keep shinin. That/s impressive, isn/t it$

The man looked off as if thinkin about a pu::le. #-t certainl" sounds

impressive, but there/s a limit built into the statement. -t/s likeB$ he bent

down and picked up a handful of sand, #it/s like sa"in ;ow, - can hold

rains of sand that look 6ust like all the other rains of sand on the beach./

9oes that sound like a life%chaner to "ou, 5randon 9auphin$

#ell, no. Not when "ou sa" it like that.$

Fe rabbed m" slampak from the sand and rose to his feet. #ords

have meanins, don/t be afraid to test them b" lookin throuh a different

vantae point.$

- looked at the slampak in his hand, rememberin m" uilt and his 6ob.

#ell, "ou/re one to talk about limits, sir. -s it the law now for "ou to tear

down the thins - believe in, too hat is the meanin of that no%drink law

h" don/t we test that now$

#Most people don/t care. The" come to the beach and talk about how

much the" love ever"thin about it, complainin if the temperature is wron

or the waves are too loud or the H4%screen isn/t workin 6ust riht, thenB$ he

dropped m" can back onto the sand, #the" leave their arbae all over and

contribute to the same problems the" claim to hate, wantin the overnment

to bab"%sit them. 3o, over time, overnments learned to.$- hesitated, wishin he would o awa", unsure if he meant to chare

me with an"thin. #5ut -/m not contributin to the problems, - alwa"s=$ - bit

m" lip. #This one time, - meant to finish it and throw it awa" in a rec"clin

bin. 3erious.$

#h" should intentions matter to me$ he said as a stream of sand

poured from his hand. #The law sa"s "ou/re 6ust like ever"one else an



17/202

irresponsible polluter who should be punished until he learns his lesson. The

law sa"s "ou were uilt" the minute "ou set foot on this beach, or at least that

- can detain "ou and make "ou spend months provin otherwise. re "ou

ever"one else, Mister 9auphin 7r are "ou an individual someone with a

heart and a mind and a spirit and the abilit" to take actions that are consistent

with his own beliefs re "ou someone who can sa" somethin and mean it$

#-/m sorr",$ - replied. #-t was a mistake. -/m not like ever"one else.

-/m tellin "ou -/ll obe" the law and -/m sa"in more than 6ust words.$

#5ut laws aren/t for "ou thanks an"wa". -f we repealed ever" law in

the world, what would "ou do$ Fe retrieved m" can a second time and held

it up. #&ollute$

#- wasn/t pollutin.$

#3peedin, then.$

#- wasn/t walkin over the limit.$

#Fow about robbin a bank$

#That/s some +uestion for a cop to ask.$

Fe didn/t respond.

#7ka"B sure. - need mone". h" not rob a bank if it/s leal -/d 6ust

be robbin from some reed" corporation. Then the overnment would 6ust

bail them out and the" can/t prosecute me.$

#Then "ou robbed the H.3. overnment.$

#eah, even better.$

#5ut not an elderl" woman or a child$

#No wa".$

#h" not$

- 6ust looked at him, hopin he didn/t mean for me to answer.

#h" are "ou askin me to rob an old lad" re "ou sick in the head

or somethin$

Fe smiled. #No. -/m not askin "ou to do an"thin, these are 6ust

+uestions -/m curious to e'amine "our values.$ Fe looked down. #hat do

"ou think, should - put m" name on it 3hould - boast about it$

#hat$

The officer indicated the small pile of sand in front of him, which

covered the orane spot from m" spilled ener" drink. #ho am - to build

an"thin$ he asked, barel" loud enouh to be heard over the bree:e. #The

tide and the wind won/t let this last ver" lon, and what it/s covered will be

e'posed aain.$

#>ook, sir. - don/t know what kind of trip "ou/re on, but -/d like to o

home and et some sleep now.$

Fe looked up, still holdin the balance between bein intensel" serious

and havin a casual conversation. #9id - fire m" taser at "ou 7f all the

places in the world "ou could o, "ou/re standin here listenin to me.$

#5ecause - have toK 5ecauseB$ - felt m" aner falter, #5ecause it/s

aainst the law to walk awa" without "our permission.$

#Murder, then.$

#Murder$

#There are worse crimes still, but murder is far enouh.$

#hat about it$

#-f it were leal.$

#Fell, noK$

#-f no person in the world were the t"pe to kill another, what would be

the point of makin it illeal -f ever"one in the world were the t"pe to kill

another, what would be the point of makin it illeal -f it were leal, would it

be moral -f it were leal but not moral, would "ou do it hat about the da"

when morals aren/t convenient an"more hat about the e'ceptions those

around "ou make but "ou don/t hat about the da" "ou reali:e the cost of



18/202

"our own actions, or the price of shuttin people out for "our vices$

Myvices hat is he talkin about

#re "ou talkin about m" laws or societies/ laws$

#-s there reall" a difference$

#Then the law is 6ust there to punish ever"one,$ - said, ettin cauht

in the strane connection of ideas he/d led me into. #ll parties lose in the

end.$

#Then the law is powerless to save.$

#To save from what$

#-t repa"s an evil, which the individual considered ood, with another

evil, which the societ" considered ood.$

- tried to continue followin him, m" motivation shiftin to curiosit",

reachin the point of needin a solution@ but at the point where ood and evil

threatened to untanle, where ever"thin - knew of life became suspect, -

found m"self lost and frustrated.

#here are "ou oin with these +uestions$

#hat/s the point of an" +uestion hat happens when people see that

+uestions and answers aren/t supposed to be simple automations hat do

"ou think can happen to the limits of the human mind when +uestions aren/t

tied down b" convention or evenB$

Fe smiled somberl" and swiped his foot over the pile of sand he/d

made.

#uestions are for smart people,$ - said. #- don/t think that wa".$

#-t was never about bein smart, 5randon. 3ome of the brihtest

eniuses in the human race o their whole lives without findin the most basic

crumbs of wisdom@ and it/s the simplest amon us who find those crumbs and

leave us all in the dust. The limits are different for us all, but the true solution

sta"s the same. Now, do "ou believe that tomorrow can be better$

ords failed to form sentences in m" mind. Fis e"es sta"ed locked on

mine, his revealin sincerit" and a kind of compassion, as if he understood ?

as if he tried to understand m" own position. - looked awa" to the pristine

sand and crashin waves as - considered his last +uestion, eventuall" reali:in

that, be"ond the words - tried to form from the limits of the mind, one had

alread" been on m" heart. s - spoke it, - knew - had answered honestl", that

it had been the real 5randon 9auphin speakin from underneath the mask.

#es.$

The patrolman walked off silentl", carr"in m" slampak off to be

forotten. - felt relief, not of a close call, but of reali:in there hadn/t been

cause to worr". -t was better, - thouht, that he didn/t inore me.

- stole another lance at the liht in the sk" and bean walkin aain.

#>imits.$

s - returned to the floodlit site, - heard shoutin and saw someone

standin on top of the behemoth sandcastle a teenaer with lon black hair

and a chain around his neck, kickin and punchin and screamin

incomprehensibl" as if he were havin a mental breakdown. - stopped in fear

when - noticed the crowd below cheerin him on.

#hat are the" doin 3omeone has to stop this, nowK$

#- know it hurts,$ someone replied, #but this has to happen.$

-t was the child who built the castle. few others were there, still

followin him, as shocked b" the destruction as - was, but not overcome b" it.

#>ittle bo",$ - said over the screamin, #"ou worked for so lon and it

was so beautiful, how can "ou 6ust stand b" and watch$

7ff on the boardwalk, - spotted a uniformed officer. The bade -/d

wanted to be far awa" from was suddenl" a welcome siht.



19/202

The bo" tapped me on the hip to et m" attention back. #-/ll build a

better one, a castle he can/t=$

- sprinted across the sand near the crowd and up onto the boardwalk.

The officer was sippin coffee and talkin to an older woman. #7fficerK

7fficerK &lease helpK$

The man spun around toward me. #-s ever"thin all riht, sir$

-ncredulous, - pointed to the scene. #ThatK (an/t "ou hear that (an/t

"ou stop that$ - shouted, wonderin how on Earth the man couldn/t hear fift"

:oo animals screamin nonsense onl" twent" meters awa".

#That$ The officer lanced over, completel" oblivious. #3ir, that is

6ust a pile of sand.$

- screamed and kicked at the door to m" apartment, almost breakinthe doorreaderB aain. The thin alwa"s needed an insane number of swipes

before it would reconi:e the chip in m" wrist and let me into m" own livin

space. - decided - should/ve come straiht home from Leph"rTek, that -

could/ve 6ust one to bed thinkin onl" of 4air on Maran@ whether - would/ve

felt better or worse about Times 3+uare made little difference to me. Ma"be -

would/ve chosen alcohol instead of &A and decided not to feel at all.

- chaned m" clothes and polished m" teeth, finall" manain to rela'.

The fanc" black and old packae was eas" to tell apart, - put it on the

countertop and threw the other three pieces of mail onto m" mess" coffee

table. The whoosh caused a piece of paper to fall to the floor, a coupon -/d

won in a raffle months before ood for three da"s at an ascension site called

&aciTek. -/d forotten about it and checked the e'piration date the end of the

"ear. Not m" first choice of how to spend the ne't few da"s, - considered, but

m" onl" choice.

- rabbed the fanc" packae and took a deep breath as - tore at the seal.

- popped the small black case open and a:ed at the rin inside. -t looked and

sparkled e'actl" as it had da"s before in the kincubus, but - knew - wasn/t

feelin a simulation with simulated hands, but real with real it had become a

solid ob6ect with real meanin. The last few weeks had one b" so impossibl"

fast, and there were so man" thins to think about. - decided - would o

forward with m" plan, even if - wasn/t sure wh".

nd, if she turned me downB -f she didn/t want to be a wifeB

- tore open one of the ordinar" packaes !eceipts from m" financial

insurer. Ne't came the envelope with m" train tickets. - opened it and ran m"

finertips alon the surface of the paper. -t/s a link, - thouht, a uarantee -/ll

be thousands of miles awa" in New ork when that ball drops. - remembered

the movie tickets and how 4air 6oked with me when - was lookin at those old

posters in the lobb". - smiled.May(e, - thouht. No.

3he willsa" "es.

7n m" counter was a printed imae - took of her months earlier,

posin in front of the >on -sland 3ound. - threw ever" other thouht out of

m" mind and held the picture in m" hands, imainin her answer, findin that

the woman in m" mind did love me. - put the picture on the table ne't to the

open bo' and the rin.

- found the confidence - wanted and - determined to o to bed before

losin it aain. #>ihts off.$ The room went dark and m" head hit the pillow.

M" e"es closed lookin at the bedside clock, countin the three da"s before -

would board m" train and bein m" 6ourne", the five da"s to Aanuar" first theda" - knew would be the best da" of m" lifeB the beinnin of m" life. M"

plans were real. M" desires were real. No force in nature could/ve kept me

from them.

The date was Monda", 9ecember 2O, 21O*. The da" - died.

Cha)ter 'ne* +imits



20/202

2

We stand in awe of the parade.

Where once the connections between us were few and distant,

technology from rugged roads to smoothly orbiting satellites hadallowed a new culture to flourish, one driven by the speed and essence

of communication. In short centuries, the links became faster, more

reliable, and more indwelled within us moving from firsthand

e!perience to recording, from the eyes and ears to direct connection

with the brain. Information grew. "istory stopped fading away, but

became part of the atmosphere. #he imaginations of billions took on

more power than had ever been known to man.

#oday, fact and fiction beckon for attention from every corner,offering to the commoners of the twenty$second century knowledge

kings could once only dream to possess. It had been an irresistible

temptation% the only place left to live, even after we&d forgotten what

living was. 'ven as a voice within cried to get out of (R&s snare,

accepting three free days was all I knew to do. #he illusions and

fantasies still worked well enough, I told myself.

When they had suddenly been rushed to their end, when they all

went up in a brilliant flash of light, I found I couldn&t ignore thehollowed$out shell I had become, and that I had no comfort to retreat

to, as if illusions and fantasies had never worked at all.

Any time we need to forget the troubles of modern life, the

parade calls out to us. We stand in the assurance the parade will go on

forever, e!isting to offer something new, stimulating the senses beyond

the limits of yesterday.

In days, I would die the death that should&ve taken decades. In

days, I would reach my limit the barrier standing at the end of the

road. #hat was the day that had no future. #hat was the day I could

only slow to a crawl and fall apart. #hat was the day I knew the barrier

was real.

#hat was the day another foot reached over mine and floored

the pedal.



21/202

2

#&aciTek.$

- watched m"self ascendin from the round, risin throuh the

sprawlin cit" landscape and toward the sk". The sunliht was so briht. -

could feel its warmth throuh the lass. Ior a fleetin moment, it seemed -

could foret ever"thin. -t seemed - could sta" in that limbo forever.

#ou want happiness$ a woman/s voice asked.

#eah,$ - replied b" refle'.

#Then "ou want performance,$ the sultr" voice replied. #ou know the

kind -/m talkin about, 5randon. The kind that reall" makes "oufeellike a

some(ody.$

#MuteK$ - shouted to the elevator/s control s"stem. The advertisementstopped.

- leaned on the lass wall and tried to put New ear/s out of m" mind.

The comfort and confidence - had oin to sleep had lon fled. Aust like ever"

other ood thin in m" life, it had been temporar".

The doors chimed and opened onto the !eed 5uildin/s si'th floor, the

lihts inside paintin shapes and patterns onto the >os neles street outside.

spacious lobb" with briht, luminescent walls and bi:arre fi'tures awaited

me. The doors to the real world closed behind me, and - felt as if - were

alread" in 9"namic !ealit".

- felt as if - stepped into the distant future.

man was processin the check%out of a well%dressed famil" of five.

The father looked like he was a (E7 or somethin. - scanned the printed

coupon in m" hand aain, thinkin an"thin - had to pa" for there wouldn/t be

cheap.

The usual arra" of advertisements and leal notices lined the walls

printed, on%screen, holoraphic, and interactive. Even with a casual lance, -

spotted the phrase #100P hacker%proof$ several times. - sihed and looked

awa", knowin how much that promise meant, knowin how much -nTek

meant it on their own advertisements.

The man reminded me of the niht manaer at Leph"rTek probabl"

still in collee, constantl" runnin around tappin on panels and alwa"s

seemin e'hausted from the 6ob. - wondered how lon it would be until this

one was also replaced b" a walkin%talkin liht show.

#hat do "ou want$

- stepped up to the desk and ave him the coupon, which he didn/t

seem to reconi:e and had to scan throuh three different databases to verif".

- attempted small%talk, askin idle +uestions and ettin eneric answers as he

ran m" reistration. Fe mentioned somethin about business bein slow the

past couple of da"s, - asked wh".

#- dunnoB briht ball of liht in the sk"B can/t miss itB$

- remembered m" trip to the beach and couldn/t den" that some interest

had formed in me. -t was so far "et so briht, a sill" thin that would fade

awa" and be forotten. et people were havin such reactions to it hope, fear,

curiosit", despair.

#hat do "ou think about that supernova$ - asked.

The manaer stopped for a second. Fis e"es seemed to shift a little, but

he returned to his work without answerin.

- felt embarrassed and tried to distract m"self. M" wanderin e"es

peeked into the open door of the back office, where - saw a lare man wearin

bo'in loves ? motionless and lookin to a part of the room - couldn/t see.

Fe was probabl" watchin the holorams fiht when there weren/t an"

customers. - heard a beep from the roundtem and he smacked it hard with his

hand, obviousl" suppressin the ure to shout.



22/202

Aust a little aner. Nothin to worr" about.

The manaer stoicall" asked me to sin with m" thumbprint. - looked

down to m" own panel and saw the te't of (alifornia/s %afe scender ct of

,-.. the document - was re+uired b" state law to sin whenever - ascended

alone.

- was led down to the diml"%lit fifth floor and throuh a couple of lon

hallwa"s. - drank two da"s worth of stabili:er from the packet, wantin for it

to be out of m" s"stem b" the third da", in spite of the risk. The manaer

pressed his thumb on the panel for booth C1C and its openin appeared in the

wall. Ever"thin about the platform and interface looked familiar, if not a

little nicer than the booths - was used to.

fter showin me the controls he was leall" re+uired to, the manaer

raced off and - activated the wall, shuttin out the liht of the hallwa". -

leaned onto the padded incline and rela'ed m" bod", allowin the restraints to

slide around m" arms and les. M" 3N9> s"nchroni:ed with the booth/s

software and the familiar lihtheadedness washed over me.

3everal seconds later, m" implants showed - was read" for !apid E"e

Movement, read" to fall asleep without sleepin, to be in complete control

over what m" dream would be.

M" e"es were still open, as if the" didn/t want to close. - saw the

darkness - was immersed in, hearin the silence, feelin and smellin the stale

air. Ior the first time in man" "ears, it all worried me.

!ealit" is not here, 6ust close "our e"es. -t/s eas".

- pushed m" childish aitation aside and took a deep breath, remindin

m"self -/d ascended thousands of times before. ith a sure of will, m" e"es

closed and - surrendered control.

-t was a beautiful sprin da" in a barren, contested land@ beaut" bein

relative, of course, in a war :one.

- kept tellin m"self - had three da"s plent" of time for bombin raids

and adrenaline and repla"s. here - normall" 6umped straiht to the action,

bein in%and%out in hours, this time - ave m"self an ;acclimation period/

pickin up a softball bat and seein how the battle simulation handled its own

downtime. That first idea passed +uickl", thouh, since - was terrible at sports.

fter m" third out, - was content to sit in the stands and watch the ame.

- tried to imaine how terrif"in it was, with the possibilit" of enem"

troops hidin behind an" hill ? or even sittin in the stands as spies ? the

troops knowin the ne't da" the" would be deep in enem" territor", in mortal

daner. -t made me feel better to immerse m"self in it, smilin as - considered

m" choice of war 8orea, 1*C2.

That countr"/s wh" -/m not makin mone" r iht now, after all.

5attle simulations were an earl" favorite of mine. -n 3tandard !ealit",

m" randfather made his career in the ir Iorce. Fe retired after the Ninety

"ast /arand moved back to -daho when - was still a kid rowin up there. -

en6o"ed hearin him talk about battles and became somethin of an

enthusiast. - even considered 6oinin the militar" m"self, which made him

happ"@ m" randfather was alwa"s a little disappointed m" dad hadn/t sined

up, and ever"one knew m" brother had hated it, thouh he wasn/t e'actl" a

volunteer.

lwa"s the histor" buff, m" randpa fre+uentl" talked about wars,

especiall" the %econd /orld /ar, which occurred in the 1*D0/s and involved

most of the countries in the world. Even when - was "ouner, twentieth and

twent"%first centur" battle recreations weren/t hard to find in 9"namic

!ealit". &la"able combat scenarios, historical or fictional, were a hot item on

man" servers.



23/202

3oftball ended earl" for an 1


24/202

- tilted m" head to see a couple of airmen approachin from outside

two of the pilots who had been at the briefin. The shorter of them walked up

to me and asked if - had a match, pullin a ciarette out of his uniform/s shirt

pocket.

#3orr" airman, - don/t even smoke.$

Fe looked at me like - sprouted three heads. Fis friend lauhed.

#ou picked a helluva time to +uit, 9auphinK (/monK e/re d"in here.$

- rummaed throuh m" pockets and pulled out a piece of thin, folded

cardboard.

#ait. ren/t there flammable thins in here$

The shorter man rabbed m" matches and struck one with a fast, e'pert

motion.

#3o ou onna rat me out >ooks like "ou/ll be in hot water when the

commander finds out "our plane/s in a million pieces.$

Fe was riht, m" memor" hadn/t served me well and pieces didn/t

seem to fit properl", as if all the nuts were tr"in to be bolts or somethin. M"

curiosit" and awe had lon turned into frustration.

- let the wrench - was holdin fall to the concrete. #Good point.$

The taller man lit the paper thin in his mouth and the" leefull" took

in their hourl" doses of tobacco. - turned and athered the technical papers.

#(ommand ob6ect local I%J reset.$

"n2ironmental Control (usy3

- put the papers on the desk and turned around. The 6et was still

disassembled.

#(ommand ob6ect local I%J reset,$ - said louder, as if the computer

didn/t hear me the first time.


- cleared the return messae and sihed, knowin sometimes servers

6ust ot packed with ascenders or needed maintenance.

- heard music in the hanar. The shorter man had set up a 4aughn

Monroealbum on a nearb" turntable and took another deep dra.

#3o, smokin helps "ou rela' before a mission$ - asked.

#That or drinkin,$ replied the taller one, without an" hint of humor.

#ou ever been shot down before, 9auphin$ the shorter asked. -

noticed his nameta read rnall. The taller was 7lian.

rnall faced me, seemin riml" serious. ords didn/t come.

-t/s not that - can/t answer the +uestion, - thouht. -/ve been shot down

in simulationsB - 6ust never had to face the conse+uences the" did in the real

battles. h"/s a ame character askin me this, an"wa" - can tell them

an"thin and it wouldn/t matter.

#eah,$ - finall" said. # few times.$

rnall took another dra. #Then "ou know that nothin +uite prepares

"ou for it. !ela' No such thin.$

7lian e'haled. #-/ve been luck", m"self. 5ut ever" time we o out

there - know - could be ne't. - pra" to God ever" niht this war ends soon.$

#-f Truman had let Macrthur finish the 6ob, we/d be back in Aapan b"

now,$ rnall said. #Fell, - would/ve chased ;em all the wa" to Moscow if he

wanted, and have been happ" to do it, too.$

- smirked. #(ommunism. hat a stupid ameB$

The two stared horrificall" at me.

#9o "ou think this is some kind of a ame$

#Fe", 9auphinK -/m talkin to "ouK$ rnall shouted when - didn/t

answer. - looked back at him, in his e"es, and reali:ed he reall" was serious. -

took a step back and sent a new command, straiht throuh m" implants, for

the computer for 6ump to the ne't da".




25/202

- repeated the command.


The rnall character seemed read" to hit me.

#e/re ettin killed out thereK bductedK -f we crash behind the lines

and et cauhtB do "ou know what those commies do to &7sK nd the"

don/t even care back homeK e=$

7lian put a hand on rnall/s shoulder.

#-t/s late and we/ve otta fl" tomorrow,$ he said. #Ma"be we should

et to the barracks.$

ithout another word, the two left me alone with m" shock, aner and

embarrassment certainl" not what -/d had in mind for acclimation, certainl"

not m" idea of fun. - started cursin and kickin tools across the floor.

#>emme at ;em, - want to kill somethinK$

- tried different commands, tr"in to send m"self directl" into some

kind of combat@ but - was denied m" wish. The same response followed m"

ever" thouht and shout.


alkin outside, with m" aner vented and boredom creepin back, -

found a few ciarettes in m" pocket and decided to tr" one. - wouldn/t couh

on simulated smoke and thouht the sensation of it miht help me unwind. -

broke off a match and swiped it as rnall had, onl" to see the first match

break. - sihed and broke off a second, usin less pressure. - 6umped when the

entire match flashed into smoke and ash.

Ma"be smokin reall" was danerous.

6eep pulled up about a hundred meters awa". Iour soldiers ot out

and two others emered from a tent. ith nothin better to do, - decided -

ma" as well redeem m"selfB so lon as - remembered not to call combat a

ame. - saw them smokin, as alwa"s, and decided to indule m"self in a

more modern habit, computer willin. - was relieved to find - could still

con6ure a slampak of mber &lus.

mon those from the 6eep was a &rivate with a swollen e"e, earned

from a fist%fiht 6ust moments earlier. s the two from the tent prodded him

with +uestions, the in6ured man reali:ed he couldn/t remember what the fiht

was about.

man leanin on the vehicle/s open door spotted me and demanded to

know if - was drinkin whiske". - fro:e and reali:ed he had actuall" seen m"

slampak. The officer, wearin an M& armband, startin walkin toward me

and - hid the ener" drink behind m" back, tr"in to chane it into a canteen

of water.


#irman 9auphinK Give me that before - call "our (7K$ he demanded.

Not knowin what else to do, - ave him the slampak. Fe +uickl"

decided it wasn/t alcoholic, but couldn/t make out what it was. Fe shot me an

anr" lance and walked back to the roup, passin around the strane

beverae from two hundred "ears in the future. The" couldn/t even decide

what the transparent container was made of, let alone how it lowed colors or

wh" weird sounds came from it whenever it was tilted ? the modern immicks

actuall" provin more amusin to them than distressin. Iortunatel", one of

them tasted it and decided it wasn/t a communist secret weapon.

#-t/s a new kind of (oca (ola,$ - said. -t was the first thin - could

think of that dated properl".

The M& didn/t like an" answer - ave. #e can/t even et ood (%

rations and this u"/s ettin (oca%friin/%(olaB and new stuff at thatK$ Fe

rabbed the slampak and started ulpin at it to spite me. The other men



26/202

struled to hold their lauhter at the obno'ious sound an mber &lus makes

when someone drinks from it.

nother man amon them, not wearin a uniform, bean stirrin up

the crowd b" sa"in the ir Iorce was ettin better stuff. #ho needs

round troops when "ou can throw 6ets and nuclear missiles at the commiesK

-/m ettin ra:ed b" bullets and this u"/s ot some new fanled colaK$

h" is this happenin hat/s oin on

- aain sent the command to 6ump forward.


lump formed in m" throat and - bean to feel numb, powerless,

trapped. - sent the command to leave the construct.


- shouted a curse and sent a command to remove the characters.


deep, sinkin feelin overtook me. - didn/t know what to do. -

wanted to disappear. - knew if - didn/t leave soon, - miht end up with a

swollen e"e m"self. - decided - wanted out and - was ettin out. ith a fast

and e'pert motion of m" own, - pulled up m" arm and planted m" finer riht

on the red button.

#h" don/t "ou 6ust hit the bi red button riht now,$ the plain%clothed

man shouted to no one and ever"one, #so we can all o home to our wives and

children$

#That/s what -/m tr"in to do.$ - pushed aain. Fard.

The others cheered. - felt like - could collapse onto the round. ll the

words and imaes bean runnin toether in m" panicked mind. -

remembered to breathe. M" own breathin was all - could hear. The plain%

clothed man stood silentl" with a pu::led look on his face, lookin as if he

miht start cr"in.

3omethin 6umped off in the distance. - +uickl" looked but saw onl"

trees.

The man spoke with soft, labored words. #M" wife. - = - can/t

remember her name. -= - can/t remember m" wife/s name, or m" kidsK$

#-t/s the stress,$ one of the privates responded, #we/ve ot a lot on our

plates riht now, that/s all. ou were tellin me about the missus last week,

said her name wasB$ Fe couldn/t remember the woman/s name either. The

woman didn/t e'ist, the kids didn/t e'ist. The" were personal information

randoml" assined to ame characters. The" weren/t supposed to be

remembered.

ll of the characters in the roup were suddenl" discoverin hue

memor" aps of their own, usin their - minds to tr" to connect people,

places, and events that simpl" didn/t.

- saw the strane movement aain. -mmediatel", the sound of rifle fire

ripped throuh the eerie calm, followed b" more unfire and distant shoutin.

The radio in the 6eep crackled and panicked voices streamed onto the

fre+uenc". The sk" rumbled behind me. - spun around 6ust in time to see a

MiG%1C roar meters above m" head. - fell to the round. The noise intensified

and the smoke thickened all around me.

#&leaseK &leaseK$ - pressed the red button repeatedl".

No one can hear meK No one can save meK Nothin is workinK

3omethin is ver" wronK The simulation is tearin itself apart with me inside

itK -/m oin to be torn apartK

(ountless MiGs passed over the base, their bullets comin faster with

each passin second. M" finer was down on the button, holdin it down.

5uildins were catchin fire and confused men were shoutin in ever"

direction, not sure where the enem" was, actin aainst an"one and ever"one.

The word #nuclear$ came from the static of the radio. 3omeone said -(5Ms



27/202

had been fired from both sides.

-(5Ms

n incredible flash appeared directl" ahead of me, dissolvin into the

unmistakable form of a mushroom cloud. The radio was dead. Ever"thin

suddenl" fell awa" and became silent. hot wind licked m" face and a tear

fell down m" cheek. Niht became da" for an instant, then returned to niht

forever.

-n the dark and hostile sk" - could see onl" one ob6ect, ettin closer.

M" life came rushin back to me. - thouht of the happ" times of m"

childhood, raised b" parents who loved me. - thouht of the friends - wished -

kept, and the sister who missed me. - thouht of the brother - hated and

wished more than an"thin -/d tried to patch thins up. Most painfull" of all, -

thouht of 4air and the future that would never happen. - thouht of all the

ood - never did in the world. - thouht of all the ood - would never be able

to do.

Throuh all the noise, one last thin would capture m" attention.

Nothin in the corner of m" e"e. Nothin subtle. -t ma" have been the d"in

throes of a ha"wire construct or some cra:" connection problem. - didn/t care

about its cause. ll - remembered was how beautiful - thouht it was.

The trees were dancin.

Cha)ter Two* n "nd /ithout a Beginning

3

If someone dies in (ynamic Reality, do they die in )tandard

Reality, too*

Whenever a bell$ringer introduces a child to an intense enoughgame, the same +uestion always comes up. Why shouldn&t fake

danger that can be seen, heard, and felt as well as the real thing lead

to the same natural thoughts*

If someone dies in a game, do they die in real life, too*

I remember the wonder of my first encounter with (R, as I

received its blessing to do as I wished, when I wished. 'ven when I

witnessed characters getting killed in vivid gory fashion, even when the

+uestion neared my own lips and burned in my own heart, I threw itback at any who dared speak it% who dared to make it real, to

empower the +uestion and suggest the need of an answer.

If I die in here, do I die out there*

We were kids What did we care about death* We couldn&t get

enough of the fantastic imagery and realistic role$play. We were gods

and gods couldn&t die.

-ut life wasn&t about spending every moment ascended or

stroking the most precious ego. ids had to grow up and start actinglike adults.

It was my life. I did what I wanted. I declared war and con/ured

the people to fight them, hurling my lightning bolts down from the sky

onto whomever I declared to be the enemy.

When war declared back, I found I was completely unarmed. I

found all my life was was a lit match, burning softly through the



28/202

wooden handle, beyond the initial flare$up of vibrancy and curiosity

and +uestions. When I reali0ed I wasn&t a god, the +uestion didn&t

seem so childish anymore.

(id I die*

It&s true what they say, your life does flash before your eyes1 but

few people get to look back on that moment of clarity and use it to

build a better future.

3

The first thin - remembered was pain@ not phon"%attenuated 9! pain,

but pain as if -/d reall" been kicked in the stomach. - was disoriented and felt

sick from a rush of adrenaline. M" nerves still tinled from the burnin heat

of the shock wave, and the noise around me blended seamlessl" with the

echoes of bombs in m" head. - looked up and saw the lare man who nearl"

tripped over me. - didn/t think - was in 8orea an"more.

#re "ou retarded or somethin, kid MoveK$

- felt a hard 6ab in m" lower back and a woman fell, droppin hot

coffee close to m" face. 3he also became irate, shoutin four%letter words as

she vanished into the crowd without offerin to help me up or an"thin.

Even standin didn/t help@ people were constantl" bumpin and

shovin me. - was in a lare room filled with people wearin suits, bades,

and microphones. 7ld%st"le flat monitors and split%beam pro6ectors were

ever"where, displa"in stock prices and advertisements for public

corporations. - was standin in theNew &ork %tock "xchange.

7ne of the traders brushed aainst m" descender. Memories sured

back and m" panic with them. - "anked m" arm back and stared at the

device/s red button.

#-t/s 6ust 9"namic !ealit",$ - said to m"self, #this is nothin "ou can/t

control.$ - closed m" e"es, took a deep breath and pressed the red button.

The sounds remained.

#-t/s 6ust 9"namic !ealit",$ - repeated, #this is nothin "ou can/t

control.$

The button was dead, connected to nothin. - looked desperatel" to see

if an"thin was out of place, tr"in to et some idea of what such a place was

supposed to look like. -n 21O*, the buildin on all 3treet was a museum,



29/202

which -/d never been to. - bean walkin throuh the crowd aain, tr"in to

think of wa"s to escape from a runawa" simulation.

Goi

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