Uncommon Knowledge toImprove Your RelationshipSusan B. Saint-Rossy, LCSW

UnfairAdvantage:

Unfair Advantage: Uncommon Knowledge to Improve Your Relationship

Ever wonder why some people live ―happily

ever after‖? Why some people have an easy

time finding the right partner, developing a

great relationship, and keeping the love alive?

Why some couples can have disagreements,

different interests, even different religions and

still have a strong, long-term relationship? It‘s

simple. It‘s not a fairy tale.

They have an unfair advantage.

What is an unfair advantage?

An unfair advantage is nothing illegal or

immoral, like lying, cheating, or stealing. It‘s unique strength, skill, or knowledge that sets

you apart from others and helps you succeed.

Most people who have this unfair advantage in relationships come from functional families

where parents are ―love experts‖—people who know how to make love last. In these families

members learned about love and ―positive attachment‖ through the way they were treated and

what they experienced from the day they were born. Love skills are passed down from

generation to generation—unconsciously, nonverbally, and environmentally. These people are

simply set up to succeed in relationships because of

the serendipity of their birth.

For example, I had two friends in college whose

wedding was the big event one summer. I was a

bridesmaid. Few of the rest of us could believe that

they really wanted to get married at ages 19 and 21.

Most of us felt like kids, trying to figure out how to

date and what we wanted in life.

But they were sure. Even at that point, their relationship had been tested by separations,

disagreements, and other challenges, and they knew, almost instinctively, how to work

through these challenges and nurture love. Decades later, their unfair advantage still works to

keep them together, even as empty nesters.

―All you need is love‖ really isn‘t true. The unfair advantage is not love, but ―love skills.‖

The rest of us . . .

Many people come from families of divorce, dysfunction, or chaos. Others are raised in

families that look ideal from the outside yet from the inside leave so many important

relationship building factors unsaid and undone that family members are in left in the dark

about love. Often people raised in these environments do not even know what a working,

functional relationship looks like or feels like.

What‘s more, as far as I know, there are no courses in high school or college about how to

make a love relationship work. If you look hard, you can find some workshops (usually costly)

that could help, but these are few and far between.

The divorce rate hovers around 50%. Second marriages end in divorce more often than first

marriages.

And you are probably reading this report because:

Either you aren‘t in a relationship now because you haven‘t found a way to create a

lasting, fulfilling relationship in the past and you want to do better.

Or you are in a high conflict or somehow unfulfilling relationship and want it to

improve.

You are in luck!

In the past 20 year or so, much research has been done about what successful couples do to

build loving, lasting relationships. New theories have been tested and proven effective. The

actions that the ―love advantaged‖ take naturally can be learned. You, too, can have an unfair

advantage; you can learn love skills.

What can you do to give yourself an unfair advantage?

Let‘s look at a relationship from this perspective:

Each person brings thoughts, emotions,

behavior, and their own physiology to a

relationship. All of these affect each other.

Pleasant thoughts can create happy emotions, induce loving behaviors, and alleviate physical discomfort.

An emotion such as anger can create negative thoughts, violent behavior, and physical symptoms such as a rise in blood pressure or an adrenaline rush.

Physical discomfort can result in negative thoughts, unpleasant emotions such as discouragement or despair, and behavior such as avoiding people or activities.

Experiences from the past can affect the way people interpret another‘s words or actions, often in a negative way.

One plus one does not equal two

This cause and effect relationship is all pretty obvious. But add another person into the mix to

become a couple, and the situation gets complex very quickly.

For example, my backache may make me unhappy, snappy, and generally unpleasant to be

around. My partner may think he has done something wrong to make me act this way. He

then has negative thoughts and emotions (and a rise in blood pressure, perhaps) and starts to

distance himself from me, when what I need is a good backrub. Then I think there is

something wrong with him (or with me) that‘s making him run away, and I get angry, both

with myself and with him. So I pursue him with harsh words (about who knows what), and he

disappears completely into the online world.

Then I get fed up and slink away.

We are both alone.

This situation gets so complex so quickly

that it might make your brain want to

explode.

But, thankfully, researchers and

psychological theorists have come up with

lots of different ways to understand

situations like this, and their research offers

concrete information and action steps that

can help the majority of us who haven‘t

learned throughout life experiences how to

have an unfair love advantage.

As you look for help—either on the internet, in books, or in attending counseling, you‘ll want

to consider what approach or approaches might work for you and your partner. Below I‘m

going to describe four different approaches to improving relationships. As you read, you‘ll be

able to see which ones feel right to you.

What may feel right to you may not feel so good to your partner. That‘s why it makes sense

when choosing a therapist to find someone who is knowledgeable about more than one of

these approaches. The therapist can then combine techniques from different perspectives to

be effective with both members of the couple.

Many therapists are trained in only one approach to relationship counseling. If you go to

someone like that, you are stuck with that one approach. And if it‘s not effective for you, you

have wasted time and money.

Fortunately, there are therapists like me who have been trained and are experienced in a

variety of research-driven counseling techniques. I am able to work with you to apply what

will work for your unique personality, physiology, and cognitive ability.

Read on to see what appeals to you.

Understand your physiology, improve your relationship

Let‘s start with the body. You can probably describe

your partner‘s body—his nose, her eyes, his

shoulders, her legs. You may even be able to put

pencil to paper and draw a good likeness—all the

things that make him or her different from everyone

else in the world – and especially different from you.

But can you describe your partner‘s inner systems,

the way your partner‘s nervous system works, what

make your partner feel safe and secure at a biological

level?

In my opinion, to be able to do this is the most

exciting and useful unfair advantage.

Why? Because this approach to improving

relationships—focusing on psychobiology--bypasses

the intellect to deal with our basic human needs for

safety and attachment. It is based on understanding how our ―automatic‖ brain and nervous

system work to enable couples to be ―securely attached,‖ meaning to feel safe with and

accepted by each other no matter what challenges they face or what type of conflicts they have.

If you have tried other types of couple therapy with little to no result or if you see that no

matter how you try, you and your partner just don‘t seem to change, this approach most likely

can help you.

Here‘s an example: Jack and Lily have been

married for 19 years. After a brief honeymoon

period of blissful connection, most of those

years have been full of conflict and unresolved

issues. They tried traditional talk therapy to

improve their relationship several times, but

they just could not change the automatic

responses they have to each other when they

disagree.

Lily yells, ―Why do you always ignore me when

I want to talk about something?‖ Her face is

red; her hands are shaking.

Jack just glares at her while his eyebrow

twitches. His mouth has a lopsided grimace. He moves away from her a bit. He finally replies

in a low, monotone voice, ―I‘m not ignoring you. I just don‘t know what you want me to do.‖

Both of them have fear in their eyes.

Rational discussion goes out the window, and both go into survival mode. The spontaneous

nervous system reaction to perceived threat prevents them from resolving conflict and solving

problems. This is the primitive fast brain at work, not the slow logical brain that we use for

language and reasoning.

Put two people (like Lily and Jack) together with very different physiologies and attachment

styles, and—crash, bam, boom—you get conflict, fear, and lack of trust. This is what makes

intimate relationships so difficult.

Beyond talk to safety and security

Therapists who are trained in this

Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy,

developed by Stan Tatkin, use techniques that

help couples get past the content of arguments.

Couples learn to ―read‖ each other‘s faces and

nonverbal cues and pay attention to the level of

the other‘s distress. They learn what is useful in

calming the other person down. They begin to

understand what their partner is actually

capable of doing emotionally and why--through

experiences that occur during the therapy

session.

Couples learn how to create what Tatkin calls a

―couple bubble,‖ in which each partner can feel

safe and secure on a primal, neurological level.

They learn how to make changes in the fast

primitive brain.

How it works

Relationships are affected by three distinct elements of psychobiology: arousal, attachment,

and deficits.

1. Arousal (not sexual arousal) refers to a person‘s unique pattern of becoming excited

or upset, and of calming down, based on the workings of the nervous system,

specifically the fast nonverbal brain.

2. Attachment refers to the comfort level a person feels being emotionally and physically

close to another person and how that person expresses his/her comfort level.

Attachment patterns are developed through a person‘s unique experience as an infant

and child. In other words, how you were responded to and taken care of as a baby/child

sets the tone for how you act and what you expect in adult relationships.

3. Deficits refer to things a person simply cannot do because of the make-up of the

person‘s brain and nervous system. Many people have some kind of deficit. For

example, some people are not aware of and cannot control the tone of their voice. Some

people cannot remember faces. Some can‘t remember names. Deficits are those sorts of

things.

Therapists with this psychobiological approach have many tools and techniques to help a

couple understand what they are experiencing biologically and to change that experience for

each other. These are fantastic ―love skills.‖ It is a powerful unfair advantage to be attuned not

just to the other‘s words but to the other‘s body and what that body needs to feel loved.

For more information about this approach, pick up Tatkin‘s book Wired for Love. To

experience it, find a therapist who is trained in this psychobiological approach.

Change your thoughts, improve your relationship

Now let‘s move to the other part of the brain, the ―slow‖ brain that we use to think, our

conscious mind.

The idea is that unhappy couples evaluate each other and their relationship based on

unrealistic, distorted views and thoughts. These distortions and judgments are what can cause

conflict and dissatisfaction in a relationship. You can see how this works in the example

presented above about the backache. One person‘s distorted interpretation of the other‘s

behavior sets off a destructive chain of events.

Here‘s the uncommon knowledge:

1. Couples with an unfair advantage think realistically about each other and their

relationship. They do not view each other through a negatively distorted lens. If

distortion exists, it‘s to view and think of each other more positively than is realistic.

2. You can learn to get rid of ―cognitive distortions‖ with a fairly easy method of

systematic questioning of your own thoughts.

3. You can help your partner do the same thing by learning to listen and react in a

different way.

4. You can both learn new ways of communicating that will make each of you think

differently about the other and the relationship, thereby creating more positive feelings

and behaviors and strengthening your bond.

How to challenge cognitive distortions in your relationship

First, you need to know what the common cognitive distortions are. If you google ―cognitive

distortions,‖ you‘ll find lots of lists and explanations. I‘ll give you short list of the most

common with a few examples here.

1. All-or-nothing thinking (black and white thinking) – Using words like always, every, or never. He says, ―Every time I try to talk about money, you have something more important to do.‖ ―I am never going to be able to trust him again,‖ she thinks. In keeping a relationship strong, shades of gray are important.

Challenge the distortion. Start noticing when you or your partner uses those words. Try to remember a time when it didn‘t happen that way.

2. Overgeneralization – Generalizing based on one or a few specific incidents or details.

She thinks, ―He is so lazy,‖ based on the fact that he didn‘t get up until 10 a.m. on one Saturday. He thinks, ―She must not want to go out with me,‖ based on her telling him she already has plans for this Friday.

Challenge the distortion. Notice when you overgeneralize and tell yourself, ―The fact that this happened doesn‘t mean that it‘s always this way.‖ Help your partner do the same.

3. Emotional Reasoning – Believing something is true based on emotion rather than

fact or logic: ―I feel; therefore, it is.‖ For instance, because she feels lonely and anxious every time her loved one is late getting home from work, she believes she is being abandoned. Challenge the distortion: Notice what you are feeling and share that with your partner. The feeling is about your emotions, not about what is really happening.

4. Should, Can’t, and Must Thinking – You feel you must control how your partner

thinks and feels or what your partner does. Or you believe you should or must be a certain way for your partner to love you. Focusing on what you ―should‖ or ―must‖ or ―can‘t‖ do or be instead of the reality of a situation creates stress for you and your loved one.

For example, he believes he and his partner must have a little time to talk together in the morning before work; this makes him feel connected in the relationship. But his partner is not a morning person—can‘t even really focus on what he is saying until after 2 cups of coffee and a long shower. He keeps thinking that morning chat must happen and is upset because it never does.

Challenge the distortion: Ask yourself, ―Does it really change my partner‘s feelings for me if this doesn‘t happen?‖ ―What would happen if I let go of the ‗must‘ and accepted the reality of this situation?‖

Want to learn more? Check out Aaron Beck‘s book, Love Is Never Enough, which uses this

cognitive approach to help couples overcome relationship problems.

Like this approach and ready for counseling? Find a therapist trained in Cognitive Behavioral

Therapy.

Change your emotional connection, improve your relationship

Emotions?

If you are a logical, intellectual being like many in our highly educated area of the country, you might say, ―Ugh! Let there be logic!‖

But. . . . Couples with unfair advantage understand the value of emotions. They develop a cycle of positive emotional connection, and they know how to correct their negative emotional experiences and interactions.

What does this mean?

According to recent research, it means that these couples know how to stay connected to one another or reconnect with one another quickly even when they fight or disagree. They don‘t spend days angry at one another. They work through issues with respect, compassion, and empathy. They understand how deeply they are connected and how deeply they can hurt each other, and they have the ability to tread softly.

How to develop a better emotional cycle

It‘s seldom easy to move from a pattern of unresolved anger, hurt, arguments, and pain to a healthier pattern of interacting. It may take work with a therapist trained in working emotionally with

couples. But there are some things you can do:

Understand that most fights or arguments are really about feeling emotionally disconnected, not about the actual content of the exchange. Money, kids, sex, work, and housework—these are the subjects of the most common couple fights. It doesn‘t matter. Most fights are at their core about how people feel—not understood, not on the same team, not heard, etc.

Look past the content of the fight to discover the emotional needs of your partner. For example, if your partner says, ―You are spending too much money on eating out,‖ your normal reaction may be to feel defensive and to be dismissive. But what emotion is your partner really expressing? Fear about finances? Anxiety about not having enough to cover the bills? Unease about going out to eat with other people or making decisions about spending money alone? Attend to the emotion behind the argument.

When an argument starts, make it go differently by responding differently. Instead of going with your automatic reaction, be curious about what your partner is saying. If your automatic reaction is to shut down or move away, do the opposite. Experiment.

Use touch to stay emotionally connected. Positive physical contact can counteract harsh negative feelings.

The book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, by Sue Johnson, can help you and your partner navigate this important change to the emotional fabric of your relationship. Start there. If this structured emotional approach appeals to you, a therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy could help. It‘s a much researched approach with a 75% success rate (compared with a 35% success rate for some other types of couple therapy).

Change Your Behavior, Improve Your Relationship

How do happy couples behave?

What do they know about conduct and action that you don‘t?

Researchers (particularly John Gottman and his group) have studied more than 3,000 couples to learn just that. Happy couples from many cultures share certain ways of being and interacting that unhappy, unsuccessful couples don‘t.

Some of these positive actions are obvious, but they are often not practiced by couples in distress, sometimes because the distress gets in the way, sometimes because the people just don‘t know how.

The following behaviors give couples an unfair advantage:

Expressing affection.

Being respectful of each other.

Acting in ways that show that they trust each other and are worthy of trust.

Proving their commitment through actions and words.

Struggling together to overcome hardships.

Managing conflict so it becomes constructive, not destructive to the relationship.

Doing things to show interest in each other and understanding of each other.

Responding to their partner‘s requests for attention and affection.

Using the language of togetherness, what Gottman calls ―we-ness.‖

Great list—but how does a couple accomplish all this? Particularly if the couple has never seen or experienced their parents or other mentors practicing these behaviors?

Behavior change is difficult. And practice is key. They say it takes 10,000 hours of practice to master a skill, be it playing the violin or becoming a soccer champ. For couples, it won‘t take that long to see and feel improvement in relationship, and with guidance, couples can learn these skills.

To find out more about gaining an unfair advantage from this approach, check out any of John Gottman‘s books, including The Relationship Cure or 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage. A Gottman-trained therapist works with couples to help them learn these behaviors.

Money, sex, kids, mess, work

Most couples fight over these five issues. They fight and fight, repeating their important points louder and louder, thinking that if they can just agree about money or whatever, their conflict will stop and they will be happy together. Or they have moved beyond arguing and are living parallel lives, colliding only when they get in each other‘s way.

No matter what situation you and your partner find yourselves in, there is hope.

It’s not your fault

Neither of you is to blame for the loss of loving feelings, trust, or comfort. You came together with a strong attraction and mutual desire to build a wonderful life together. You also came together without the ―love skills‖ required to make that happen.

Give yourself an unfair advantage

I invite you to join me on a quest to find your unique unfair advantage. Every couple is different, and that‘s why I am happy to be able to offer a variety of counseling approaches—all evidence based—to improve relationships. Whether you are the logical type who winces at the thought of examining your emotional life, or someone who is excited by an emotional journey, or you strongly lean in one direction while your partner leans in the other, or you are simply stuck and don‘t know what you need, I can tailor an approach for you as a couple. You can have a relationship that is a safe place where you can be yourself and be loved for who you are.

I won‘t downplay the challenges of reviving your most important relationship: it is hard work and you will have to focus on changing the way you do certain things instead of the ways your partner is wrong about certain things. But the reward is the unfair advantage of knowing how to be together, how to support each other, and how to make your way securely through the challenges and conflicts that you will inevitably face.

Human beings need partners. It is a rare bird who thrives better alone than with someone to love. Give yourself an unfair advantage.