Wasted YearsJY Saville

#

It's the late 80s and there's these two youngaccountants... Think you know what you're in for?Well think again: this is West Yorkshire, Helena'sgoing out with a member of CND, and Matthewwouldn't be seen dead in red braces.

16 years throws a lot at a friendship – musicaldifferences, flat-shares, marriage, divorce, affairs,wanting children, having children, not havingchildren, being apart, changing career... Just howmuch of that will irreverent humour and sharedhistory get you through? And what happens if youfall in love?

Text copyright © Jacqueline Saville 2010The moral right of the author has been asserted.

Cover design and photographs © Jacqueline Saville2012

The Little Book of Northern Women by JacquelineSaville is licensed under a Creative Commons

Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0International licence

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/thousandmonkeys.wordpress.com

Table of Contents

Table of Contents.....................................................4

Part I Helena and Matthew.....................................7

Chapter 1 When I grow up I want to be anaccountant.............................................................8

Chapter 2 Cruising.............................................17

Chapter 3 DG.....................................................30

Chapter 4 The Funky Gibbon............................42

Chapter 5 Christmas looms................................59

Chapter 6 Festivity..............................................82

Chapter 7 A new start.........................................91

Chapter 8 Endings and beginnings.................103

Chapter 9 Moving on.......................................115

Chapter 10 Flying the nest...............................122

Chapter 11 How to make friends and influencepeople...............................................................128

Chapter 12 Twelve pages turned.....................137

Chapter 13 Another day, another decade........144

Chapter 14 Two departures.............................152

Chapter 15 Two arrivals...................................159

Chapter 16 The other woman.........................165

Chapter 17 Family Christmas...........................172

Chapter 18 Some things change, more stay thesame..................................................................178

Chapter 19 The two of us.................................184

Chapter 20 Hot wires and polystyrene............190

Chapter 21 Highbrow pursuits........................196

Chapter 22 Down sidestreets with a unicorn...203

Chapter 23 Far-flung places.............................210

Chapter 24 Taking the plunge.........................218

Chapter 25 Wagons roll....................................225

Part II Helena, and Matthew...............................232

Chapter 26 For whom the bells toll.................233

Chapter 27 Filling in........................................239

Chapter 28 Dr Ed.............................................248

Chapter 29 Daddy’s little princess...................254

Chapter 30 Together alone..............................262

Chapter 31 Refreshing changes.......................268

Chapter 32 Buddying up.................................275

Chapter 33 Pushing thirty................................282

Chapter 34 Somebody’s dad............................289

Chapter 35 Preparations..................................294

Chapter 36 The calm before the storm...........300

Chapter 37 Peace shattered..............................305

Chapter 38 The end is nigh.............................312

Part III Matthew and Helena..............................319

Chapter 39 Empty places.................................320

Chapter 40 Picking up the pieces....................330

Chapter 41 Return from the brink..................337

Chapter 42 Career opportunities.....................343

Chapter 43 Learning curve..............................350

Chapter 44 And then there were two..............358

Chapter 45 Old flames.....................................365

Chapter 46 Broadening horizons....................375

Chapter 47 Return...........................................382

Chapter 48 Same old mistakes.........................390

Chapter 49 The end?.......................................398

About the Author.................................................404

Part IHelena and Matthew

Chapter 1When I grow up I want to be an accountant

Helena Robertshaw stood nervously at the footof the steps, torn between feeling grown upbecause she was about to begin her career, andfeeling small because she wasn’t sure she was readyto cope with it. She couldn’t remember her first dayat school, but however bad it had been, at leastshe’d had her mum’s hand to hold. Shestraightened her already straight skirt and adjustedher already neat hairclip, then made the all-important move through the front door and intoworking life.

A man Helena had spoken to on the phonecame to meet her in reception. He had a wide,insincere smile and a firm, insincere handshake; hetold ‘Helen’ he was looking forward to workingwith her, and escorted her to the lift. She smiledpolitely at him, didn’t bother to try and correct hismistake over her name, and was thankful that shewouldn’t have to work with him too closely. At thesecond floor Helena was pointed in the direction ofa large office.

8

“I’ll leave you here, just go right in, they’reexpecting you. And remember: if you have anyproblems, anything, don’t hesitate to come and findme. Dan Pearson, third on the left, just along here.Can’t miss it.”

A final flash of the smile and he turned away,striding along the corridor, floppy fringe floppingwith every step. Dan was almost exactly as Helenahad envisaged him over the phone, a perfectspecimen of yuppiedom; she was just waiting forhim to say ‘ciao’.

Helena had done her work placement with thecompany the previous summer in a differentbranch, so although she’d known generally whatthe place was like and had been told how thingswere organised, she wasn’t sure quite what wouldgreet her when she opened the door she’d beenshown to. What she found was six desks, five menher side of thirty-five, and a screwed-up ball ofpaper in mid-flight towards one of them. Thesynchronised turning of five heads towards the tallwoman in the doorway, all other parts apparentlyfrozen including the arm still raised from thethrow, made Helena laugh and she felt a little morerelaxed. The men looked expectantly at her.

“I’m Helena Robertshaw, I was told you wereexpecting me.”

“Eleanor? I thought we were getting a Harriet9

or something, another aitch for the collection,” saidthe paper-ball recipient to his neighbour. Thesecond man, by way of explanation, looked atHelena and pointed to each of his officemates inturn:

“Matthew, Mark, Martin, Hugh, and I’mHenry. Quite pathetic, I know, but we were brieflyexcited at the thought of a balance of initials. Didyou say Eleanor or Helena?”

“Helena. Definitely with an aitch.”“Oh well, that’s alright,” said a less puzzled

Matthew, “You can come and join us then.”The morning flew past as Helena was

introduced to the arcane rituals of photocopying,computer print-outs and coffee-making. The fiveother occupants of the office seemed pleasantenough, though Hugh was shy and almost entirelysilent. Matthew was closest to her own age: he’darrived as a graduate trainee a year previously andstill hadn’t got used to the idea that he now had towork for a living. Helena was bubbling over withdetail that lunchtime when she hurriedly met herboyfriend Keith for a sandwich in the park.

As she was putting on her jacket to go homeafter an equally fast-paced afternoon, Martin askedif she’d like to join the five of them at a local wine-bar so they could get to know their new colleague.Her first, silent, reaction was horror at the prices in

10

wine-bars, but then she remembered she wasearning money now so it didn’t matter. What didmatter was that she had promised to meet Keith totell him at greater length how her first day hadbeen, and this was what she told Martin, but shewas disappointed that she’d had to turn them downand hoped there’d be another opportunity to get toknow them better later on.

Matthew was also disappointed that Helena hadrejected their invitation, or rather he wasdisappointed by the reason she gave. Havingalready worked his way through the youngersecretaries in the past year, Matthew's interest hadbeen piqued in his new curvy officemate, with herlong chestnut ringlets and big brown eyes. She'dlaughed more at Matthew’s jokes that morningthan his other colleagues usually did, and being atrainee accountant suggested intelligence. Matthewwatched her long legs appreciatively as she clip-clopped out of the room on her high heels, anddecided that life was distinctly unfair.

Friday seemed to come round quickly, and withbarely a chance to breathe Helena found herselffacing the final five minutes of her first week atwork. Mark asked if she was joining them for adrink after work, and when she didn’t immediatelyreply he said:

“You can bring your boyfriend. We go along to11

Hodgson’s every Friday after work. The wine bar,just across there.”

He gestured towards the window but Helenawasn’t watching, she was weighing up the pros andcons of persuading Keith to go to a wine bar withsix accountants.

“Maybe next week; we’ve already made plansfor this evening.” She smiled at Mark, and Matthewwondered if they were the same sort of plans he’dhave if he had a girlfriend like that. If Matthew’splans involved vegetarian food and lengthydiscussion with four postgraduate politics studentsthen yes, they were.

Keith was two years older than Helena andthey’d met at university during Helena's first year.She’d fallen in love with Keith’s principles andeloquence, though he was also tall and good-looking. She hung on his every word, and he wasgenuinely fond of her, though often unwittinglypatronising and prone to treating her like a child.During the holidays she’d pined for him in hernorthern home-town while he earnestly protestedanything and everything in London. After a year,he’d graduated and gone to start his PhD close toHelena’s home, and she’d been in the reversedsituation of pining for him all term. Since Juneshe’d been back at home permanently, and wasbeginning to wonder if being apart was all that had

12

kept them together.That Friday evening when she left work,

Helena went straight to the house Keith sharedwith three other students. Keith himself answeredthe door.

“Oh cool! I wasn’t expecting you till later. Doyou want to borrow some clothes? You look a bitpower-dressed.”

He laughed, and poked the thick shoulder padson her suit jacket. She smiled and walked past himtowards his bedroom. He raised an eyebrow andpointed to the kitchen door.

“We’re cooking tonight, remember? Thoughyou should probably take that jacket off, I wouldn’twant you to get pasta sauce on it.”

Helena purposely left her jacket on, andfollowed Keith into the kitchen. None of hishousemates were around.

“Keith, I think we need to talk.”“What’s wrong, Ladybug?” he asked, sounding

concerned and stroking her hair. She gentlyremoved his hand from her head.

“Don’t call me Ladybug, it’s really annoying.”He looked genuinely hurt, and Helena almost

lost her nerve and stopped right there. She felt alot of affection for Keith, and she was used to himbeing there, even if ‘there’ meant hundreds ofmiles away: she didn’t want to hurt him, but she

13

didn’t feel like she was in love with him any more,and she wondered if she ever had been. Either way,there was no point in continuing to drift alongtogether; her new situation had brought that hometo her.

“Keith, I don’t think we’re going anywhere,we’re just kind of coasting, and we’ve grown intodifferent people since we started going out. I have,anyway, I mean eighteen and twenty-one areworlds apart …”

She trailed off: he was nodding, looking a littleupset but not exactly devastated. Helena didn’tknow whether to be offended by his apparent lackof concern.

“I’m glad you brought it up, I’ve been thinkingsomething similar myself. I didn’t think it would besuch a big thing, you joining the capitalist world,but …” He shrugged.

“You mean you can’t handle me earning realmoney while you’re still on a student grant?”

Helena was amazed by Keith’s reaction: to bejealous because she was earning and he wasn’t wasjust childish. Keith sighed, closed his eyes briefly,and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“You should know me better than that. Moneyisn’t important: attitude is. Perhaps it’s best that wego our separate ways. Help yourself to anythingyou think belongs to you.”

14

Helena returned to the kitchen with an armfulof jumpers and books a short while later.

“If you find anything else, could you bring itround? It’s a bit of a tip in there.”

Keith nodded and gestured to a saucepan withthe vegetable knife in his hand: “Are you sure youdon’t want to stay for dinner? Mushroom andonion sauce.”

“I don’t like mushrooms.”“Oh Ladybug, why didn’t you ever say so?”“Because you put mushrooms in everything,

and if I said I didn’t like them I thought you’d havenothing to give me. And don’t call me Ladybug.”

They looked each other in the eyes: Helenalooked away first, and left without another word.

Later that evening, sitting on her bed, shebegan to regret her decision: Keith had beenaround for years and her life suddenly seemedempty. She wasn’t in touch with anyone she’dknown at school, and none of her university friendslived close by; there wasn't anyone she could ringand arrange to meet for a drink. She looked at theclock: nearly eight, probably too late to catch herofficemates in the wine bar. Padding out onto thelanding she could hear the sounds of the TVfloating up the stairs from the front room whereher parents were watching some comedyprogramme, so she could use the phone in their

15

room undisturbed. Maybe if she rang Keith now, itwouldn't be too late to go back. Just then the phonerang, making her jump, and she scuttled back intoher own room.

A few minutes later, there was a soft knock onHelena’s bedroom door and her mum peeredround it.

“That was Keith, love.” Full of maternalconcern.

“What did he want?” asked Helena, wonderingif he’d phoned up to be insulting or to beg her tocome back, neither of which seemed like his style.Why hadn’t her mum called her to the phone?

“He says he’s tidied his room, and the onlyother thing he could find that was yours was one ofyour hair clips, but it must’ve been stood onbecause it doesn’t clip together any more, so he’sjust thrown it away. Why didn’t you tell us? Did youhave a big row, love?”

Helena shrugged and shook her head at thesame time, and suddenly found she was crying. MrsRobertshaw sat on the bed and Helena floppedagainst her, sobbing.

“It just wasn’t love any more, mum, it was justhabit keeping us together.”

“Oh, love, if I’d left your father when it wasonly habit keeping us together …”

16

Chapter 2Cruising

After a weekend spent moping around thehouse with her parents, wearing big floppysweaters, Helena woke up on Monday morningfeeling like she could cope again. It had, after all,been her decision to break up with Keith, and shewas a grown-up with a grown-up job. Shewondered if she’d bump into Keith in town whileshe was buying her sandwich, which prompted herto make a packed lunch before she left for work.

A morning spent with Matthew, full of himselfbecause over the weekend he’d got himself amidweek date with a very attractive waitress he’dbeen eyeing up for weeks, and Helena was almostlight-hearted. She could never tell whether Henrywas seriously annoyed and distracted by Matthew’ssilly jokes and inconsequential chatter, or whetherhe just felt it was his duty as the eldest in the officeto be some kind of authority figure.

Lunchtime arrived, and Helena pulled a smallplastic tub from her bag.

“Don’t tell me you’ve been persuaded to takesomeone to a restaurant you can’t really afford,too?” said Matthew as he pulled a slightly squashed

17

sausage roll in a paper bag out of his jacket pocket.Helena looked at his lunch and wrinkled her noseup.

“We don’t all live with our parents, Helena; itwas my cheapest option.”

“If you must know, I made this myself.”She pulled the lid off the tub and leaned it

towards him so he could see the triangular-cutwhite-bread sandwiches, the scotch egg and theapple. Matthew looked down at the limp pastry inhis hand.

“Swop you an unrecognizable lump of stuff fora box of sarnies? No? Oh well …What are youeating lunch at your desk for? The novelty ofmeeting your boyfriend every lunchtime worn off,has it?”

A fleeting twinge of something that could havebeen pain flashed across Helena’s face, andMatthew wished he hadn’t said anything.

“We split up on Friday, actually, so it’s more likeI could sit in the park by myself and eat sandwichesin the cold, or I could sit in the office by myself andeat sandwiches in the warm.”

“Ah,” said Matthew, “but you’re not by yourselfhere are you?”

Helena smiled at him, and they sat down totheir respective lunches, talking, laughing, andgetting to know each other better. Now that he’d

18

got the date with the waitress to think about,Matthew didn’t even remember that the weekbefore he’d been disappointed to hear Helena hada boyfriend.

#

Another Friday came around quickly enoughand this time Helena went along to the wine barwith her officemates. It was full of members of themany nearby law, insurance, accountancy andadvertising firms, wedged elbow to elbow in theirsuits, trying not to talk shop. After a couple ofglasses of wine even Hugh became almost talkative,and Helena was enjoying herself: she thoughtabout Keith’s undoubted views on drinking in winebars with accountants, and missed him for a briefmoment, though at the same time she knew she’ddone the right thing.

Matthew had asked if she’d like to go to a clublater in the evening, with him, his new girlfriendSandra, and Martin. Helena had declined, partlybecause she wasn’t sure she’d fancy staying up solate when she’d got up so early that morning, andpartly because she didn’t want to give Martin anyideas by pairing off with him. There was nothingwrong with Martin, he just wasn’t really her type,though when she thought about it she wasn’t sure

19

what her type was: going on past form it lookedlike being bearded CND members, and she wasn’tsure she’d go out of her way to go out with one ofthem again.

The evening was drawing on, it was after sevenand Helena was beginning to think about goinghome. She’d told her mum she wouldn’t be toolate, and besides she was getting hungry and hadn’tbeen talking to anyone for a few minutes. Shelooked idly round the room as she drained herglass, and was starting to slide off the tall stool shewas perched on,when she caught sight of a groupof young men in grey suits. Nothing unusual inthat, the place was full of them, but on the fringesof this group, ignored or forgotten, was a tall figurenervously spinning a glass in his hands. He lookedup, and Helena looked away quickly, right atMatthew who’d been watching her with someamusement. He leaned over her shoulder to lookin the direction she’d been looking in.

“Tall, stringy, looks like Tom Cruise?”“Does he? I hadn’t really noticed,” lied Helena.“Go on then: buy him a drink, his glass is

empty.”“I couldn’t do that!” Matthew laughed: “It’s OK for girls to make the

first move these days, you know. Did anyone tellyou it’s OK to ditch the corset, too?”

20

Helena thumped him lightly on the arm, andput down her empty glass.

“OK or not, I’m hungry and I’m going home.”“Well if you’re going to let a little thing like

dinner get in the way it can’t be that serious aninterest. Sure you won’t come out later?”

Helena nodded and moved away, turning backto wave to the rest of her officemates, who werewatching her go. She almost collided with a tallman on his way to the bar. They both exclaimedapologies at the same time, looked at each otherand turned deep pink: it was the nervous TomCruise lookalike. Helena hurried away to the door,and when she looked back, saw Matthew grinningat her.

The following Wednesday Matthewremembered at half past nine that he’d forgotten topost his mum’s birthday card, and sneaked out tothe post box. When he came back he lookedgleeful, and as he passed he poked at the elaboratemound of curly hair that Helena had piled andclipped at the front of her head. She swiped at himwith a pen and started patting at her hair-mountain as he dodged away behind his desk.

“Guess who I’ve just seen?”“Maurice Chevalier.”“Who? No, your friend Tom.”“What? I don’t know any Toms,” said Helena,

21

confused.“Mr Cruise, I mean. In the lobby.”Helena coloured, and bent over her desk as

though she was looking intently at some importantpaperwork.

“Really? And why would you think I’d beinterested in that.”

“Tom Cruise is in the lobby?” asked a verypuzzled Martin. Matthew gave him a witheringlook.

“No, brainbox. What would Tom Cruise bedoing here? He’s probably swanning around LA inan open-top sports car or something.”

Henry looked at his watch:“It’s one-thirty in the morning in LA.”“Well, it’s probably still warm there at night.

He’s probably been out clubbing with a couple ofgorgeous blondes,” replied a defiant Matthew.Henry sighed and went back to his work aftersharing his opinion that even LA wasn’t really hotin October in the middle of the night. Helena wasglad of the diversion and was hoping Matthew hadbeen permanently sidetracked, when he turned toMartin to explain:

“Anyway, it’s just this guy Helena was after onFriday, he looks a bit like a tall Tom Cruise.”

“I was not ‘after’ anyone on Friday, thank youvery much.”

22

“Only because you had to go home for yourtea.”

“Come on, now,” said Henry, sternly, andeveryone worked in silence for a while.

At lunchtime, Helena waited until everyone elsehad left Matthew and her to their deskboundlunches before she asked him where exactly ‘Tom’had been.

“In the lobby.”“Coming in or going out?”“I don’t know, just standing around. I thought

you didn’t care, anyway?”“Just curious,” said a slightly pink Helena as she

opened a magazine on her desk. Matthew was alittle affronted as he’d only brought a packed lunchto keep Helena company, so he tried to keep herattention off the magazine.

“We could find out if he works here or not.”She looked up, trying not to appear too

interested.“Oh yes, how would we do that then?”

#

With ten minutes of lunchtime left, Matthewand Helena were huddled together behind a largepotted palm in the lobby of their building. Theywere right beside the front doors, but anyone

23

coming in would have had to look almost over theirshoulder to notice them. Helena was giggling asquietly as she could, but Matthew kept poking herin the ribs to shut her up, which only made thingsworse. They’d been there a few minutes with nosign of their quarry when a voice behind themmade them both jump up.

“I hope you weren’t planning to ambushanyone, Helen.”

“No, Mr Pearson,” stammered Helena,embarrassed.

“Dan, please. And what about you? I hopeyou’re not leading Helen astray.”

“Of course not, Darren,” replied Matthew,smoothly.

“Dan.”“Helena,” said Matthew, pointing at her. Dan

Pearson glared at them both and stalked away,pushing his fringe away from his eyes. Matthewand Helena looked at each other and burst intorelieved laughter. With a last look around but stillno sign of ‘Tom’, they returned to the office.

After their unfortunate encounter with DanPearson, Matthew and Helena decided it was safernot to hide behind pot plants any more, and thefollowing lunchtime at about the same time theywent down to the lobby and stood to one side,pretending to talk earnestly. Matthew was in fact

24

reeling off Human League lyrics while he watchedthe front door because Helena was nervous andcouldn’t think of anything to say. They were aboutto give up and go back upstairs when a tall figurecaught Matthew’s eye.

“Is that him? I think it is.”“Where?” asked Helena, a little too quickly as

she spun round to see. There he was, well over sixfeet tall and easy to spot. He was trailing behind acouple of other men who were laughing andtalking.

“Quick, over to the lifts.”“What?” gasped Helena.“Well you want to know what floor he’s on,

don’t you?”“Yes, but …”“Oh, I’ll go.”Helena felt foolish and isolated as she stood

alone, trying not to make it obvious she waswatching anyone, while Matthew hurried over to aparty waiting beside one of the lifts and slappedsomeone on the back, then pretended a case ofmistaken identity.

“Sixth floor. Must be an advertising executive,”said Matthew with relish, as he returned to Helena.Matthew constantly made fun of people whoworked for the advertising agencies in the area,one of which occupied the top two floors of the

25

building. Helena said nothing, and they returnedto the office in silence.

During the last part of Friday afternoon,Helena was starting to fidget and repeatedly look ather watch. Matthew was highly amused: he’d beensuggesting chat-up lines all day until Henry hadsoftly bashed him over the head with a folder andtold him to shut up or stand in the corridor on oneleg. Matthew of course had started to rise from hischair, but a look from Henry made him sit downand get back to work. Now at five to five, as Helenagot up and picked up her handbag, Matthewcouldn’t resist a taunt.

“Touching up the warpaint?”“Shut up, Matthew. I don’t laugh at you when

you surreptitiously sniff your armpits and checkyour breath every time you have to go talk toanything female.”

Everyone else laughed at this, and beforeMatthew could think of a suitably witty rejoinder,Helena was shutting the door behind her.

With her make-up slightly stronger than itwould normally be for work, and her hairunclipped, Helena accompanied Matthew and theothers to the wine bar down the street. She'd toldher mum she didn’t know what time she might beback, and she was wired on nervous excitement.

“You’re not paying any attention, are you?”26

“Sorry, were you talking to me?”Helena turned guiltily back towards Matthew,

who was scanning the room for tall people whoworked in advertising.

“Not turned up yet?”Helena shrugged in what she hoped was a

nonchalant sort of way, and tried not to look asdisappointed as she felt.

“Anyway, I was saying, do you fancy going outwith us tonight?”

Helena hesitated.“Don’t worry, Martin knows you’ve only got

eyes for Tom. So how about it?”“Oh, go on then,” said Helena, finishing her

drink. She looked at her watch. “What time do Imeet you, and where?”

Matthew suggested she called at the house heshared with Martin, since that was where Sandrawas meeting them, and he told her how to getthere. She checked her watch again: it was atwenty-minute bus ride home.

“I suppose if I’m going to have tea and getchanged, I’d better be heading off now. See you ina bit then.”

Helena wasn’t in the brightest of moods as sheslumped in the corner of the bus seat. She’dworked herself up over the afternoon into a statewhere she could have gone over to speak to him,

27

and he hadn’t been there. Of all the monstrouslyunfair things …Still, it might be just as well: she’dbeen going out with Keith since she was eighteenand she’d been quite shy at school, never theclubbing type. Although she’d been at university byherself after Keith had left, she hadn’t been singleand this would be her first taste of absolutefreedom.

As Helena unlocked the front door she realisedthat she’d have to get a taxi home and it would costa fortune, but it was too late now and she didn’teven have Matthew’s phone number. When shetold her mum she was going out, and was asked ifshe’d considered how she’d get home, she gave theimpression that paying for a taxi home from townwas a complete triviality now she had a job. Hermum pursed her lips but said nothing about it,instead asking who she was going with.

“A couple of guys from work, and one of them’sgirlfriend.”

“Oh, I see,” said Helena’s mum, with anannoying smirk.

“No, you don’t see at all. Matthew and Martinare both just friends of mine. I’ve only just split upwith Keith, why would I be desperate to findsomeone else?”

She hurried upstairs, neglecting to mentionthat she was in fact already interested in someone

28

else, he just hadn’t had the decency to turn upsomewhere she could talk to him.

29

Chapter 3DG

The night out with Matthew, Sandra andMartin was good fun, not even entirely marred bythe fact that Helena was left to her own devicesafter a while when Martin became fascinated with agirl wearing large earrings and a small skirt.Matthew didn’t tease her about Tom Cruise onceon the Monday morning, and she was beginning tothink the whole thing had been silly, particularlyhiding behind pot plants.

On Friday night Helena had been wearingheels that were too high for her to dance in andhad hurt her ankle - nothing serious but it wasuncomfortable on the stairs. Since she hadn’twanted to spend long in the kitchen with her mumand her continuing lectures on sensible footwearon Monday morning, Helena had to go out andbuy Monday's lunch. She was already inside the liftbefore she noticed who one of the other occupantswas. He looked up and went a similar colour to theone Helena felt like she’d gone, then looked backdown at the filofax clutched in his long fingers. Ithad the letters DG stamped on the front in gold,and Helena wondered if they were his initials. The

30

lift reached the ground floor and she got out andwalked to the main doors without looking back.

For the rest of the week, Matthew kept callingout things like ‘Douglas Graystone-Birch’, or‘Derek Grindly’, much to Helena’s irritation. Shehad foolishly told him about the monogrammedfilofax and he and Martin had been helpfully, sothey claimed, trying to guess what Helena’smystery man was called. It took a lot of persuadingto get Helena along to Hodgson’s after work onFriday because she was sure Matthew wouldembarrass her in some way. In the end she did go:half hoping that DG would be there, almostconvinced he wouldn’t be.

As on the previous Friday, Helena wasdistractedly peering around the room and barelylistening to anything that was being said. Afterfifteen minutes or so, Matthew took her by the armand steered her into a position where she couldn’tsee much of the room without directly turning herback on her companions.

“I think it has to be Donald Grout,” saidMartin, suddenly.

“No, no. Diphtheria Gervase-Smythe,” Matthewchipped in, with a grin. Helena lookedexasperated.

“Will you two just give it a rest? I’m sure it’s anormal name, whatever it is.” She looked sternly at

31

Matthew.“Why don’t you go ask him, then? We’re dying

to know, now.”“What?” said Helena as she turned round in

her seat, expecting to see no sign of him, or at themost, a hint of tall person across the room. He wasstanding about three feet away, facing her, talkingto an older man. She whipped back round in timeto see Matthew winking at him.

“Matthew!”“What? Oh, Martin, would you like to step over

here and talk to Henry for a minute.”Martin didn’t look like he had any particular

desire to speak to Henry, but went anyway, leavingHelena on her own.

A pair of feet came into Helena’s field of visionand stopped. She looked up to see DG standing infront of her, looking flushed. She wanted to standup to reduce the height difference, but he wasstanding so close that if she did she’d probablybang her head on his chin. She smiled weakly,instead, and played with her glass.

“Um …”Oh, for heaven’s sake! thought Helena.“Would you like a drink?” she asked as

confidently as she could.“Well, actually, that’s what I came over here to

ask you.”32

She held out her glass, told him what she wasdrinking, and he ineffectually tried to shove hisway through the crowd to the bar.

“So?” asked Matthew as he reappeared in frontof Helena. She stood up and smoothed down herskirt.

“I don’t know. I get the feeling he’s not good atsmall talk.”

“Why do I get the feeling you’re not verypleased with me?”

“Matthew, you winked at the man.”“It got him over here, didn’t it? I’ll leave you to

it. Tell me what happens, tomorrow.”He handed her a piece of paper and left her

alone again. She looked at it, saw it was his phonenumber, and put it in her jacket pocket.

David Gibbon was indeed not good at smalltalk. Helena spent a painful hour feeling more likea torturer trying to extract important intelligencethan an interested party trying to chat someone up,before she finally gave up and began to make herexcuses. The man was good-looking enough, andshyness can be attractive, but Helena was gettingfrustrated and had decided he wasn’t worth theeffort. She looked at her watch and lookedsurprised.

“Oh, look, it’s after seven-thirty already. Youknow, I promised my mum I’d be home by eight

33

because I have to …babysit my niece …myneighbour’s niece, I mean.”

She didn’t want to invent a fictional niece incase she spoke to David again and let it slip that shewas an only child. He seemed nice, just difficult tohold a conversation with, and she was trying not tooffend him.

“So I’d better go now, the bus takes twentyminutes; I’ll probably be a bit late as it is.”

“Oh. Right. Um …”“We work in the same building, I’ll see you

around I’m sure.”Helena smiled brightly at him, wishing she

hadn’t used such an obvious ‘I don’t want to seeyou again’ line, and left quickly, not daring to lookback.

Her mum was surprised to see her back soearly, and wondered if something bad hadhappened. Helena told her that Matthew wastaking Sandra somewhere, just the two of them,which had left her with a choice between going to aclub with Martin and being deserted almostimmediately, or going home. Not strictly true, but itsatisfied her mum’s curiosity.

The following morning Helena felt guilty: hadshe upset David? Should she have tried harder?Perhaps he was just incredibly nervous in crowds,and really he was pretty tall, even relative to her,

34

and those cheek-bones had to be worth a bit ofeffort. She wanted to pick up the phone and haveone of those conversations that women in filmshad, when they phoned their sister or best friendand poured their heart out to her, and she madethem feel better and told them that men reallyaren’t worth it, and all that sort of stuff.Unfortunately Helena couldn’t imagine either ofher female friends from university having that sortof conversation, and besides, she hadn’t spoken toeither of them in weeks, she could hardly phone upout of the blue and start moaning about fancying abloke who looked good but wasn’t up to much inthe conversation department. Matthew would justhave to do.

“Hello?”“Hi Martin, it’s Helena. Is Matthew around?”“Er …he’s around by the sounds of it, but I’m

not sure he’s in a position to come to the phone.Shall I get him to call you when Sandra’s gone?”

“Oh, it’s not urgent, never mind.”She gave Martin her number anyway, but hung

up feeling disappointed and alone, not expectingMatthew to phone her back. She made a cup ofcoffee and grouched round the house until hermum took her to one side and gently suggested shemight like to go shopping since it was her dad’sbirthday later in the week. Helena was about to say

35

she’d been planning on buying a present duringher lunchbreak on Monday, but then she realisedthat her mother was trying to tell her to get outfrom under her feet because she was being a pain.

There were fewer than ten Saturdays toChristmas, though judging by the crowds theremight as well have been only ten days, andHelena’s mood didn't improve. She wandered half-heartedly through several shops with no clear ideaof what to buy for her dad. He didn't wearaftershave, the only tie he ever wore was part of hisbus-driver's uniform, he hated socks withcharacters on them and could take or leave alcoholand chocolate. He wasn't an enthusiastic reader,had no great passion for music, and Helena knew ifshe bought vouchers her mum would end up usingthem.

Of course, now she was working she could buyhim a slightly more expensive present than she haddone in previous years, perhaps a jumper, anotherboring utilitarian present but one which wouldplease her mum at least, who kept complaining thatHelena’s dad only ever wore one jumper outside ofwork and it had holes in. If his daughter boughthim a new one for his birthday he’d be sure to wearit at least long enough for his wife to throw the oldoffending item of knitwear out.

She was standing amongst the racks of casual36

trousers in Marks and Spencer, trying to spy outthe jumpers, when a tall figure caught her eye:David was a few racks away with his back to her.Helena hesitated, then decided to go speak to him,if only a friendly hello in passing.

“Hi David.”David started, blushed, and turned round to

face her with a slightly embarrassed smile. Helenalooked at the surrounding displays, and themultipack of white boxer shorts in his hand, andblushed in turn.

“I was just buying a present for my dad, I wason my way to the jumpers and I saw you and Ithought ‘Oh look, there’s David, I’ll go say hello’,”she blurted, turning even more pink.

“That’s very organised of you.”Helena looked puzzled for a moment.“Oh no, not a Christmas present, I mean it’s his

birthday on Thursday.”David nodded, fidgeted with the box of

underwear in his hand, and they both stood inawkward silence for a minute.

“Anyway, I’ll leave you to your, er, I’ll go look atthe jumpers.”

Helena smiled uncomfortably at him andstarted to walk away. He coughed and began tospeak.

“Um, actually I wonder if you might be able to37

help me.”Helena turned back, intrigued but slightly

worried that this man who was almost a totalstranger was apparently asking her to help himpick some underwear.

“I, er, my mother always …I’m not sure whatsize I need. I thought you might know how thesethings work. Being a girl I mean, I wasn’t implying…”

His face was a deep shade of beetroot by thispoint, and he was waving his hands, and the packof underwear, in front of him as if to ward her off.Helena couldn’t help but laugh.

“Oh I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh I suppose. I’lldo my best but I’m not sure I’ll be much help. Doyou not know what size you’re wearing now?”

“No. Perhaps I should have checked before Iset out. It’s rather embarrassing I suppose but Ionly left home quite recently, I’ve never had to dothis sort of thing before.”

“What did you do when you were atuniversity?”

“I phoned mother, or I waited until theholidays.”

Helena started to laugh again.After an amusing few minutes spent trying to

gauge David’s waist size in comparison to her own,Helena picked up a shirt from a rack nearby and

38

sent him to the fitting rooms with it, to check thelabel in his underwear. He returned with thenecessary information, picked out the right box,then followed Helena over to the jumpers.

“It’s a good job you came along when you did, Iwas beginning to get desperate. I might have hadto enlist the help of a passing old lady and she’dprobably have hit me with her handbag orsomething.”

Helena giggled; he was definitely bettercompany this morning than he had been theprevious evening, and inwardly she was dancing incelebration, glad that she’d bumped into him.

“How about when I’ve chosen a jumper for mydad we go for lunch somewhere? I’m starving.”

“No nieces to babysit today, then?”Helena coloured, and looked at her feet. “No, not today.” Lunch was a long affair at a hotel, punctuated

by much chatter and laughter. Helena wondered ifit was the suit that stopped David from being ableto hold a conversation. Today he looked likesomething out of Brideshead Revisited: sand-coloured trousers, an open-necked white shirt anda v-neck jumper that may well have been meant forplaying cricket in. Helena was wearing jeans and abig sweater, with her hair in a loose ponytail, andno make-up, but she hadn’t thought about it at all.

39

Later, when she was on her way home, she washorrified that she’d met him while looking such amess but it obviously hadn’t made a difference.They hadn’t exchanged phone numbers but Davidhad suggested they meet for lunch on Monday andHelena had agreed, though when he said he’dmeet her by the potted palm she had to work veryhard to keep a straight face.

When she arrived home, her mum greeted herwith the information that Matthew had phonedand would like her to ring him back as soon as shegot in.

“You’re looking very pleased with yourself,love,” said Helena’s mum, suspiciously. Helenawaved the carrier bag at her:

“I got a good present for dad. I’ll show youlater, I’m going to phone Matthew from yourroom, OK?”

Her mum nodded, and watching her bound upthe stairs, wondered what her daughter wasn’ttelling her.

Matthew himself answered this time, frustratedbecause he’d phoned her about three quarters ofan hour after she’d phoned him, just missing her,and had had to wait a few hours for her to returnthe call and fill him in on the gossip.

“So his name, after all your speculation, isDavid Gibbon, and …”

40

“David Gibbon?!” spluttered Matthew,dissolving into laughter. Helena could hear Martinlaughing in the background, too.

“Yes, yes, Matthew, as in monkey, very funny.”Matthew continued to laugh and Martin began

to sing the Goodies’ song, Funky Gibbon.“Look, do you want to know or not?”“Yeah, go on. Sorry.”“He’s from somewhere I didn’t want to admit to

not knowing where it was, but I think it’s nearLondon. He calls his mum ‘mother’. And he buyshis underwear at Marks and Sparks.”

“My, you’re a fast mover. Brief or boxer? Orthong?”

“Boxer. And if you must know, I bumped intohim in the shop this lunchtime, that’s how I know.We went for lunch.”

“Oh yes, a likely story. So when are we seeingour funky gibbon again?”

“Matthew! I’m warning you …”“Sorry, sorry. The delightful David: when is our

next date?” he managed between the gales oflaughter.

“I’m having lunch with him on Monday. I haveto meet him at one o’clock by the potted palm.”

At which point Helena started to laugh as well,and the conversation degenerated into generalsilliness.

41

Chapter 4The Funky Gibbon

Helena arrived at the office on Mondaymorning to find a gift bag on her desk. Matthewand Martin were studiously not looking at her, andwere obviously trying to hold in their laughter. Shelooked from one to the other and then down at thebag, sighed and opened it. Inside was a six inchhigh plush gorilla.

“That’s a gorilla, Matthew, don’t you knowanything?” she asked as she threw it at his head.Henry walked in at that moment, and tutted loudly.

“Matthew, you’re such a bad influence. Sodisruptive. Helena: don’t throw things at Matthew,it’s really very bad form.”

Helena forced a serious expression onto herface, feeling slightly subdued by Henry, until hepicked up a cardboard folder, walked calmly overto behind Matthew’s chair, and thwacked him softly,but with a great flourish, round the back of thehead with it.

“The best way is to smack him with somethingwhen he’s least expecting it. Now settle down, bothof you.”

Matthew, rubbing the back of his head for42

effect, set the gorilla carefully on the corner of hisdesk where Helena would see it every time shelooked up.

By lunchtime Helena was starting to getnervous about meeting David. She wondered if thiswas supposed to be a friendly lunch since they’dgot on so well on Saturday, or whether it was agenuine date. Before she went down to the lobbyshe went to the toilet to touch up her make-up, justin case.

David was standing very conspicuously near themain doors, looking nervously around him,fastening and unfastening the clasp on his filofax.Helena briefly wondered whether today’s lunchmight be more like Friday evening in the wine barthan Saturday in town, but was determined not tolet that put her off since she now knew howpleasant his company could be.

“Hi.”“Hello. Are we having a business lunch?” She

gestured to the cruelly used filofax in his handsand he reddened slightly, which he seemed to doquite often.

“Um, habit, you know: gives me something todo with my hands. That’s the thing about being sodamned tall and gangly, you don’t know where toput yourself. I can run up to the office and leave itthere, if it bothers you.”

43

“No, it was just a joke; it’s fine, really.”He started to undo the clasp again, then

stopped and shifted the filofax into one hand andheld it by his side. There was an awkward pauseuntil Helena asked if he had anywhere in mind forlunch.

“Er …Do you like ducks?”“Ducks?” Helena wasn’t sure whether he meant to eat or

to look at.“Er, yes, ducks. I thought if you liked we could,

um, get some sandwiches, go to the park, youknow. Feed the ducks.”

Helena smiled: this was beginning to look like adate. Presumably feeding the ducks gave himsomething to do while he was nervous.

“Feeding the ducks is fine by me.”They strolled in the park, they ate their

sandwiches, fed the last bits of crust to theaforementioned ducks, and while Helena’sattention was fixed on the occupants of the parklake David took the opportunity to tentatively holdher hand. Encouraged by Helena’s gentle squeeze,as they walked back to work he asked if she’d liketo go to a firework display in the same park onSaturday evening. She said she’d love to, but it didmake her wonder what kind of man David was: inhis mid-twenties, never bought his own underwear

44

before, and his idea of a hot date was feeding ducksin the park or going to a firework display. Thatkind of thing could be sweet, but it might get a littlewearing.

By midweek, Matthew, and Martin at Matthew’sinsistence, had eased up on Helena: the gorilla stillhad pride of place on Matthew’s desk but they’dstopped singing Funky Gibbon at everyopportunity, settling instead for humming itoccasionally, and David was now referred to as‘your boyfriend’, and even sometimes ‘David’.Matthew had suggested that perhaps a good way todispel the image they had of David as some kind oflost extra from Brideshead Revisited would be tomeet him properly, say at Hodgson’s on Friday.Helena naturally had her misgivings about this ideabut agreed to mention it to David if she saw him inthe meantime.

Thursday morning saw Helena up much earlierthan usual, in order to give her dad the jumpershe’d bought him for his birthday. She’d tried tojazz up the dull present by wrapping it in shinygreen paper with a big blue bow stuck on the front,but she needn’t have bothered because her dad wasdelighted, and with no prompting at all threw awayhis old jumper once he'd tried on the new one.This of course pleased Helena’s mum no end, andthe whole family started the day with a smile. Thus,

45

when Helena arrived at work and caught sight ofDavid’s distinctive frame as he stepped into the lift,she didn’t hesitate but shouted his name. Hejumped out again, looking faintly embarrassed buthappy to see her, and they took the stairs together,giving Helena the opportunity to invite him tomeet her friends at Hodgson’s the followingevening. They were exchanging phone numbers,and kisses, in the corridor outside Helena’s office,when Matthew emerged from the lift behind them,humming Funky Gibbon as he walked past themand opened the office door.

“Matthew, I hate you. Why must you be sojuvenile?” demanded Helena as she stormed intothe room, her good mood evaporating rapidly.

“Because it’s better than being old and boring.Come into work together, did you?”

“No we did not! I happened to see him in thelobby, that’s all.”

“Where he just happened to be waiting for you,I bet.”

He hadn’t of course, but Helena consideredthat that would have been nice, and consequentlyhated Matthew more for pointing it out.

“For some reason that I really don’t understandI’ve just persuaded him to come and meet youtomorrow night. You’d better be on your bestbehaviour, Matthew.”

46

Matthew snapped off a smart salute without aword, and Helena sat down and began to work,barely speaking to him for the rest of the day.

By half-past four on Friday Helena wasbeginning to regret her invitation to David.Matthew and Martin had been getting giddier allafternoon, and she was dreading the encounter.She tried not to look too miserable as she left theoffice with them at the end of the day, but she washalf-hoping that David would be unavoidablydetained elsewhere.

Unfortunately for Helena, David was waiting atthe bar for them. She introduced him to each ofher officemates in turn, Henry and Mark politelyshook hands with him, Hugh waved tentativelyfrom behind Henry’s shoulder, and Matthew andMartin each grinned a broad grin as theyvigorously pumped David’s hand.

The introductions over, Matthew and Martinremained with Helena and David while the otherthree moved off across the room. The conversationwas somewhat stilted, though buoyed up slightly byMatthew’s natural volubility. Helena was watchingboth him and Martin very closely for signs ofimpending mischief, and kept trying to kick themsurreptitiously every time one of them hummedFunky Gibbon. David seemed to loosen up a littlearound Matthew: he was shy and nervous, but not

47

insecure enough to question Matthew’s apparentlyfriendly interest in his origins, schooling, andfamily life.

A lull in the conversation caused Matthew tostart humming Funky Gibbon again, which he nowdid out of habit since he’d been humming it sooften recently.

“That tune you keep humming: is it somethingin the charts? I don’t really keep up with that sortof thing but it sounds vaguely familiar. I wonderedif I’d heard it on the radio, perhaps.”

Helena was horrified: she could think ofnothing to say in order to glide swiftly andpainlessly through this situation, and she wonderedhow Matthew would handle it. She needn’t haveworried; Matthew’s natural openness and charmsprang to the rescue:

“Oh David, surely you know that song? FunkyGibbon, by The Goodies?”

David looked thoughtful, but unsure.“You must know The Goodies: comedy

programme, on TV? It’s just that every timeMartin and I see you, it puts us in mind of thatsong, as you can imagine.”

David laughed, colour suffusing his cheeks asusual. “It’s ringing faint bells now, yes. I don’trecall ever watching The Goodies, but I think Iremember some ribbing at school about it. I’m

48

afraid I’m not particularly funky though. Perhaps Ishould make more of an effort to be, live up to myreputation as it were.”

He smiled and Matthew smiled warmly back athim, impressed by his good-humoured acceptanceof the joke. Helena stared at Matthew in disbelief:she couldn’t believe that he’d had the cheek to justcome right out with the truth, and more than that,she couldn’t believe he’d got away with it.

The following afternoon Helena was having along, relaxing soak in the bath when she heard thephone ring. A minute later her mum knocked onthe bathroom door and called through it:

“That was for you. Someone called David, hesaid he’d phone back in half an hour.”

“Right. I’ll be out soon.”Helena could sense her mum standing outside

the door, wondering how to pry without soundingtoo nosy. She smiled to herself, and waited.

“He sounded very …”“Southern? Yes, he is.”“Oh. Someone from work, is he?”“No.”“Oh. Well he’s not one of your university

friends.”There was a pause, but Helena said nothing as

her mum’s last remark had been a statement ratherthan a question.

49

“I’ll go put the kettle on then, if you’ll be out ina minute.”

“OK.”Helena listened to the shuffling slippered

footsteps crossing the landing to the head of thestairs, and laughed softly into the bubbles.

Fifteen minutes later, dry, dressed, anddownstairs, Helena relented and explained to hermum that David worked for a different firm in thesame building, and was taking her to a fireworkdisplay that evening.

“Oh, I see. That’s why you’ve been in the bathhalf the day, is it? Am I to expect you hometonight, then?”

There was a hard glint in her mother’s eye asshe asked that, and Helena could only shrug as shegulped her tea.

There had been a fierce row the first time she’dstayed at Keith’s house when he had begun hisPhD. Telling her parents that she’d slept with himplenty of times at university hadn’t seemed to makethings any better, but her father usually keptresolutely quiet on the subject and her mum hadeventually restricted herself to stern looks andpursed lips.

“Oh well. It’s just a mother’s natural concern,you know, that’s all.”

“I’ll try and phone and let you know, OK?”50

Her mum sniffed, and busied herself with potsand pans. Helena took her mug upstairs to wait forDavid’s call.

Her mum having sent her off with a finaldisapproving look, Helena caught the bus intotown in the early evening. She’d tried to find agood balance between sexy and warm, hadn’t beenable to, and had settled for jeans and a heavyjumper, with her hair loose. Her tinfoil-wrappedtoothbrush nestled in the bottom of her handbagwith a fresh pair of knickers, just in case Davidturned out to be a little less naive and innocentthan he’d seemed so far.

He was waiting for her at the bus stop a coupleof streets away from the park, and greeted her witha kiss and a look of sheer delight. Helena was gladshe’d plumped for warm over sexy, since it didn’tseem to matter. They walked arm-in-arm along tothe park, past the small lake where they’d fed theducks earlier in the week, to the edge of agathering crowd.

The fireworks were just about to start, andHelena was amused by the look of eagerness onDavid’s face, followed by childlike wonder at thefirst green starburst. She thought fireworks couldbe quite pretty, but hadn’t got excited about themfor about ten years, yet here was David, a couple ofyears older than her, apparently engrossed in the

51

spectacle. She envied him in a way, and watchedthe rest of the display trying, but not quitemanaging, to find the same pleasure in it that heseemed to.

At last the final firework faded into the nightsky, and the spell was broken. Quite early on, Davidhad moved behind Helena so he could stand withhis arms around her, and watch the fireworks overthe top of her head, but as the crowd began todisperse he let go and moved to her side. Helenafelt suddenly disappointed, like she’d been plungedback into reality from a pleasant daydream. Shealso felt cold without David’s shared bodyheat, andshivered. The smell of the bonfire had beengradually making her hungry, too, reminding herof bonfire nights from her childhood when she’deaten potatoes baked at the base of the fire.

“We should get some chips,” she declared,rubbing her gloved hands together for warmth.David peered about him, as if chips mightmagically appear, perhaps on a silver tray borne byan obliging butler.

“I know a good chip shop, not far that way.”Helena pointed to a nearby exit from the park.

“Er …my flat’s over there somewhere, I think.We could go there to eat them.”

David swivelled around, obviously disorientatedin the dimly-lit park. Coming to no definite

52

conclusions as to where his flat might be in relationto the chip shop, he let Helena lead him away.

“Ah, that chip shop,” said David as theyrounded the street corner.

“Are we near your flat then?” asked Helena.He pointed to the darkened windows above a

greengrocers on the opposite side of the road.“Just there.”Helena was surprised when David pointed to

the flat above the greengrocers, and even moresurprised when they went inside with their parcelsof strongly-smelling chips. From David’s accent,manner, and apparent home-life she had expectedhim to live somewhere rather grand, and when hesaid ‘flat’ she’d imagined something which mightbe better described as an ‘apartment’, possibly withviews. This, however, was small and dingy,decorated in shades of beige, with woodchip wallsand expansive views of the green neon cross abovethe pharmacy opposite. David noticed her look ofshocked wonder as she looked around the smallliving room, and explained:

“Father said he’d paid out plenty of moneywhile I was at school and university, and he wasdamned if he was going to pay out a penny moreonce I got a job. So I erred on the cautious side inmy budget. I could probably afford to rentsomewhere a bit nicer than this, but it suffices.”

53

“Oh no! I mean yes, it’s fine, just big enoughfor one. Very …”

“Easily-maintained?”Helena laughed.“Something like that, yes. At least it’s warm.”David took her coat and scarf and draped them

over a chairback. He started to fetch plates andforks from the tiny kitchen but thought better of it,and they sat on the hideous but comfortable chintzsofa to eat.

They were both so hungry they barely spokeuntil they’d finished their chips. David finished firstand began telling Helena about a bonfire partyhe’d been to at boarding school, where someonehad put laxative in the mushy peas and there hadbeen no lessons the following day. ThankfullyDavid didn’t like mushy peas, and had thereforebeen spared any indignity.

“That’s mad, it’s like something out of BillyBunter. I can’t believe there are really schools likethat out there. You didn’t have to wear a silly hat oranything, did you?”

David coloured and looked down at his hands:he had in fact been to one of the more well-knownpublic schools, and had worn a hat which he freelyadmitted could be considered silly. Desperate tochange the subject, he said:

“Er, what time’s your last bus home? I never54

thought to ask.”Helena’s face fell, though David didn’t see as he

was still closely inspecting his fingernails. Shehadn’t meant to offend him with her flippantremark about his boarding school, but now he wasapparently politely suggesting it was about time sheleft.

“I’m not sure, I’ll dig out the timetable.”She got up from the sofa, looked around for a

bin for her chip wrappers and put them on thetable next to her handbag, not being able to findone. Dipping her hand into her bag, she cameacross her toothbrush and thought how stupid anidea that had turned out to be. She pulled out acrumpled bus timetable, checked her watch andturned to the section marked ‘Saturday’.

“It goes in three minutes, just past the park: Iprobably couldn’t make it even if I ran. I’ll justhave to get a taxi.”

“Oh, no, I wouldn’t want you to have to pay fora taxi.”

David sprang from the sofa and for a momentHelena thought he was going to produce his walletand give her the taxi fare. Instead he picked up herchip paper on his way to the kitchen, thrust it withhis own into a carrier bag hanging from a nail onthe kitchen wall, and asked if she’d like a cup oftea.

55

While David was out of sight filling the kettle,Helena leaned against the table, frowning andwondering what was going on. She’d asked a sillyquestion which had offended him, and he’dpointedly asked when she was going home. She’ddiscovered she’d just about missed the last bus andhe’d said he couldn’t let her pay for a taxi, buthadn’t offered her money or asked her to stay, andshe knew he didn’t have his own car. What’s more,he’d cheerfully gone off to make her some tea. Shestuck her head round the kitchen doorway:

“Could I maybe use your phone? I’d better letmy mum know how I’m going to be getting home,now I’ve missed the last bus.”

She had of course told her mum that she’d tryand let her know whether or not she was cominghome that night, but the real reason she mentionedit was to try and find out from David what he’dmeant by not letting her pay for a taxi.

“The phone’s on the table, help yourself. Butreally, you know, a taxi’s very expensive, you’rewelcome to stay.…On the sofa! I mean, I’ve gotspare blankets and everything. Actually I don’thave a spare pillow but there’s a cushion or two,I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

David was beetroot red, and Helena discreetlywithdrew to use the phone. She wasn’t sure if hewas really that pure, or just trying not to offend her

56

or seem pushy. Helena could hear her mother’s smirk down

the phone as she told her that she’d missed the lastbus, but David was kindly rooting out spareblankets at that very moment. She wasn’t surewhether her mum didn’t believe that she wassleeping on the sofa, or whether she did believe herand was amused because she could tell howdisappointed Helena was. At least the toothbrushand knickers would get used after all.

When Helena had put the phone down and wassipping hot tea from a small beige cup with brownflowers painted round it, David emerged from hisbedroom, looking faintly apologetic as he crossedto the table to pick up his tea.

“I’m afraid I’m not as organised as some of myfriends: they seem to have piles of fresh towels andbars of soap and spare toothbrushes and things, forwhen people come and stay unexpectedly. I canoffer you a clean towel, but that’s about it.”

“Oh, that’s OK, I’ve got …”Helena bit her lip and felt her face grow hot.

David blushed lightly and looked down at the floor,picking at the handle of his cup.

“Planning for every eventuality?” he asked, stillnot looking at her.

“Well, it’s usually better than being caughtunawares.”

57

He took the teacup from her hand, and putthem both on the table before taking her in hisarms and kissing her.

58

Chapter 5Christmas looms

As November lurched foggily into its final fewdays, everyone seemed to start thinking seriouslyabout plans for Christmas. David and Helena hadspent most of their free time together since bonfirenight, mainly around town or at David’s flat:Helena had no particular desire for her parents tomeet him, after the comments they’d made whenthey’d briefly spoken to him on the phone. He was,of course, spending Christmas with his family inthe south of England, leaving the day beforeChristmas Eve and returning just after New Year.Helena felt guilty about neglecting her new friendsMatthew and Martin since she’d started seeingDavid, and she was hoping to spend some leisuretime with them while he was away.

The final Monday of November was cold andbleak; Henry was at home nursing the cold he’dpassed on to Martin, who in turn had passed it toMatthew. Spirits were low, little work was beingdone, and around mid-morning Helena made aneffort to cheer things up.

“What’s anybody doing for Christmas then?Any wild parties?”

59

“I’m going home for Christmas but I mightcome back for New Year, if there’s anything goingon,” replied Martin, somewhat nasally.

“Matthew?”“Hmm. Well, mum and dad invited me over,

but I don’t think I fancy Christmas in Spain, to behonest. I’ll probably just sit at home and watch TheGreat Escape by myself,” said Matthew, betweensniffs.

Helena felt herself sinking into the cloud ofdespondency surrounding her two friends. Surelythey shouldn’t be this boring: Christmas and NewYear were a time of parties and rowdy, drunkenbehaviour, of spending lots of time with yourfriends and as much time as you could stand withyour family, overindulging.

“You can’t sit at home by yourself at Christmas,Matthew. Come and spend Christmas at my house,if you think you could bear it. Actually, I supposeI’d better check it’s OK with my parents; I’ll asktonight if you like.”

Matthew visibly brightened up at this.“Yeah, I could come and watch The Great

Escape at your house, instead. At least I wouldn’thave to make my own dinner,” he said, with a grin.

That evening at the kitchen table, Helenabroached the subject of Christmas.

“I was talking to Matthew today, and he’s going60

to be on his own for Christmas so I was wonderingif he could come here?”

Helena looked expectantly at each parent inturn. Her mum, who Helena knew wouldn’t mindcooking extra Christmas dinner, turned to look atHelena’s father, chewing slowly on a mouthful ofmeat pie.

“No,” he said when he’d finished, and began tofill his fork again. Helena was disappointed at sucha definite and immediate refusal.

“Why? It’s not as if we’ve got a full house oranything.”

“An Englishman’s home is his castle. He cancome on Boxing Day if you want.”

“But he’s going to be alone on Christmas Day,dad!”

“Well that’s not my fault, is it?”“Well yes, it is now, because you could’ve had

him over here but you won’t.”“Now Helena, don’t argue with your father,

dear. And finish your tea before it gets cold.”“Well I don’t think it’s very Christian,

voluntarily leaving your friend on his own forChristmas Day.”

Frank Robertshaw paused with his fork halfwayto his mouth and looked at her gravely. Helena’sparents, nominally C of E, as so many are, withoutsetting foot in a church when there wasn’t a

61

wedding, funeral or christening to draw themthere, saw religion as a subject not to be spoken ofin anything but tones of deepest respect.

“He is not my friend,” he said, graduallygetting annoyed.

His wife tried to draw the conversation backonto less dangerous lines by asking why Matthewwould be alone in the first place.

“His parents have emigrated to Spain,”explained Helena.

“Bloody hell! And here’s me thinking you’retrying to guilt me into having some orphan over todisrupt the family Christmas. They have planesthat go over to Spain, you know, he could catch oneof them.”

“He doesn’t want to go to Spain for Christmas.”“Well in that case he doesn’t deserve to be taken

in by anyone else on Christmas Day, if he’s only onhis own because he can’t be bothered to fly over toSpain and spend Christmas with his parents. Andhe’s not coming on Boxing Day, either.”

“Dad!”“That is final.”Helena received a look from her mother

warning her not to retaliate, and the meal wasfinished in silence.

Later that night, as Helena lay on her bedlistening to the radio, her mum came upstairs to

62

say that Matthew could come over on ChristmasEve to help finish off the tree and stay for tea ifhe’d like to, but that was the best bargain she’dbeen able to make. Helena was grateful for theintervention, but she still didn’t know how to tellMatthew the following morning and she wishedshe’d kept her mouth shut, and asked her parentsbefore she’d mentioned Christmas to him.

On the Tuesday morning, Helena wasdetermined to tell Matthew straight away that herdad had refused to allow him to join them forChristmas dinner, to get it over with and limit thediscomfort. Matthew and Martin trailed into theoffice shortly after Helena had arranged herselfcomfortably behind her desk, and Matthew lookeddistinctly under the weather. Thinking it was justhis cold getting worse, Helena offered sympathy:

“Are you alright Matthew? You look dreadful,you should’ve stayed at home.”

“Split up with Sandra,” offered Martin,helpfully.

“Thank you Martin. Yes, I’ve split up withSandra.”

“Oh,” said Helena, surprised. “I thought youtwo were getting along quite nicely.”

Matthew sat down and bent over his desk,pretending to be busy in order to hide his face.

“The woman was an absolute philistine. I don’t63

know what I ever saw in her.”“Bee Gees fan,” mouthed Martin, to Helena,

who nodded understandingly. She couldn’timagine Matthew staying on good terms for longwith someone with such incompatible tastes. Itdidn’t make her task any easier, though, and shewasn’t sure whether she should mention Christmasor not, but in the end she decided it might bebetter to tell him now while he was already downinstead of waiting for him to feel better first.

“Er …Matthew?”He looked up, suspicious.“You know how I said you could spend

Christmas at mine? Well my dad seems to haveother ideas. Sorry,” she said, sheepishly. Matthewgave a humourless smile.

“Nothing like kicking someone when they’redown, is there?”

“My mum wondered if you’d like to come andhelp trim the tree on Christmas Eve instead, andhave tea with us?”

“Ooh, goody. Just what I need,” he saidsarcastically, not looking up from his desk. Helena,slightly hurt, said nothing and started to work.

Late that night, having recently arrived homefrom an evening spent with David, Helena wascalled to the phone by her mother.

“For you. Matthew,” she said as she passed over64

the handset with a look of disapproval; she wasn’tentirely sure that Helena was not two-timing David,but she was sure that it didn’t seem quite right thatHelena’s closest friend was of the opposite sex.

“Hello?”“Hi. I just sent Martin out for chips so I could

phone you without him sitting in the background,taking the piss.”

“Oh. What’s up?”“Oh, you know, I was a bit unfair this

morning.”“Well, you were in a mood. You just split up

with your girlfriend, you’re bound to be touchy.”“God you wouldn’t believe it, she just phoned

me …”He spent a few minutes venting about Sandra

before he remembered that he’d phoned for areason, and Martin would be back soon.

“Anyway, is the offer of tree-trimming stillopen?”

“Yeah, I suppose.”“It would actually be quite nice to feel like I was

part of a family Christmas …That sounds reallywet, don’t tell anyone I said that.”

“OK, I won’t,” laughed Helena.“My parents never went in for that sort of

thing, you know, all the paper chains and the tinseland the fairy lights. ‘Waste of time and money, and

65

nothing to do with the spirit of Christmas’, butwhen you’re a kid, it is. It’s not as if I didn’t getpresents, but it might’ve been nice to open them ina pile of pine needles instead of sitting next to atwo foot high green plastic bog brush …That’sMartin back, I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye.”

Matthew abruptly hung up, leaving Helenasmiling to herself on her parents’ bed.

After lunch on Friday, Matthew couldn’t settledown to work at all. Hugh had pinned a smallcardboard robin to the front of his desk the daybefore, and Matthew was enthused with the spiritof the impending festivities.

“We should decorate the office, what do youreckon?”

“We’ve got a robin, what more do you want?”asked Martin.

“Have you seen the secretaries’ office? Theymust have about a hundred yards of fairy lightsstrung up. You could see if they can spare youanything,” suggested Helena.

Matthew sprang from his chair and grinned.“What an excellent suggestion,” he said as he

opened the door with one hand and sorted out hishair with the other. Martin and Helena looked ateach other with raised eyebrows.

“Didn’t take him long to get over Sandra, didit?” laughed Helena.

66

Matthew reappeared ten minutes later with tenfeet of coloured lights and a green and yellowpaper lantern.

“Aha! Success. Who wants to help?”Martin and Matthew struggled to array the

lights around the window while Helena stood on achair and pinned the lantern to the middle of theceiling.

“There,” she said as she stepped down. “Veryfestive.”

Turning to the window she surveyed thehaphazard lighting arrangement with disbelief, butsmiled encouragingly when Martin straightened upfrom the plug and asked her opinion.

“I think they might be better turned on,though.”

While Matthew and Martin systematicallychecked and tightened each bulb in the fairy lights,Matthew mentioned the firm’s Christmas party,which one of the secretaries had reminded himabout.

“Has anybody got their tickets yet?”No-one had: Hugh didn’t want to go, Mark had

other plans for the evening, Henry was still away,and Martin was waiting until the last minute, to seeif he got a better offer.

“Does nobody else think it might be a laugh? Allthose managers getting pissed and making fools of

67

themselves. All the totty we don’t normally get tosee.”

“Matthew!” admonished Helena.“All the people we don’t know, all the money

you have to spend on a ticket …” added Martin.“Oh, you’re all boring. Helena, aren’t you

going? It’s your first office Christmas party, youshould at least experience it so you know whatyou’re avoiding in years to come.”

“I don’t know. It is quite expensive though. Is ita buffet?”

“You see, now we get to the important points:‘Will there be food?’. Yes, I think it’s a buffet anddisco, or something. Why? Interested?”

“Mm …I’ll go if you go.”Matthew grinned.“I knew someone in this office must have a

thirst for adventure.”Matthew and Helena bought their tickets that

afternoon before they left work, and Helena toldDavid that evening that she was going to aChristmas party the following week.

“What day is your party?”“Thursday, why?”“Oh, I was hoping it might be Wednesday. I’ve

got to go to a sort of cocktail party thing onWednesday evening, seeing all the importantclients before Christmas, you know. Now I shan’t

68

see you on Thursday, either.”He seemed quite disappointed, but Helena had

already bought her ticket and was looking forwardto going.

The following Wednesday evening, since Davidwas at the cocktail party, Helena was at homepicking through her wardrobe and wonderingwhat to wear for the party. After half an hour ofholding various items of clothing in front of herand putting outfits together on the bed, shedecided to phone Matthew for advice.

“What are you wearing tomorrow night?”“Well, simply because I can’t be bothered to

think about it too deeply, and there’s not muchtime to go home and get changed before we go tothis hotel or whatever it is, I’m going to take my tieoff and put it in my pocket.”

“That’s it? Just work-clothes without the tie?”“If I’m feeling particularly energetic I might

bring a ‘casual’ shirt and change into it,” heconceded.

“That doesn’t help me much; I don’t wear atie.”

“You could change your shirt.”“What, wear a navy suit and a gold lamé top, or

something?”“Well, it’s a look.”“Not a very good one. I could just ditch the

69

jacket and change my earrings though, what doyou reckon?”

“Just the earrings, or are you changing the topas well?”

Helena’s mum overheard most of Helena's sideof the conversation, but when Helena starteddescribing her many tops and shirts to Matthew sohe could help her choose, her mum had to move tosomewhere out of earshot. She’d thought it badenough that Helena was going to a Christmas partywith Matthew rather than David, but this was goingtoo far.

Helena had eventually settled on a change oftop from sensible blouse to something skimpier,changing her earrings from small and barely-noticeable to long and dangly, and making hermake-up a touch more bold. Her suit skirt onThursday was black and just above the knee, andshe took a denim jacket to work with her so shewasn’t too cold when she left her suit jacket at theoffice that evening.

During the afternoon, Helena began to getnervous. Martin hadn’t had a better offer, but hiscold had returned with force and he didn’t feel atall like partying, so Matthew would be her onlyfriend at the hotel that evening. She hoped hedidn’t make a beeline for any young secretariesfrom the other departments and leave her on her

70

own. Much to Henry’s despair, Matthew hadbrought in a green paper hat from a cracker andinsisted on wearing it all day to get himself in theright frame of mind.

Hometime arrived, everyone else left fairlypromptly, and Matthew and Helena were leftsitting on their respective desks, swinging their legsand wondering what to do to kill time.

“I suppose we should get changed,” saidHelena, after a couple of minutes.

“Is it going to take you half an hour to do yourmake-up or something?”

Helena looked studiously unamused.“It’ll only take me as long as it’ll take you to do

all your hair-tweaking and deodorising.”“Wanna bet?”“Alright then, I’ll race you,” challenged Helena,

sliding down from her desk. She picked up herhandbag and the carrier bag containing her topand jacket. Matthew unhooked the coathangersupporting his purple silk shirt from the back ofthe door, and placed his free hand on thedoorhandle.

“On your marks, get set …”Matthew threw open the door and barged in

front of Helena. She grabbed his jacket sleeve toslow him down, and trotted out into the corridor inher high heels. They made their way down the

71

corridor, laughing and shoving each other, beforediving through their respective toilet doors, whichwere opposite each other.

Helena supported herself against the sink, stilllaughing, then noticed one of the cubicle doorsopening and straightened up with a serious look onher face. She tried to touch up her make-upquickly without making a mess, unclipped her hairand dashed a comb through it. She thenremembered that the replacement for her blousewas small, tight, and had no fastenings, so she hadto slow down and carefully ease it over her headwithout smearing her recently applied and possiblystill wet mascara. She swopped her earrings, threweverything back into her bags, and lunged throughthe door into the corridor. There was no sign ofMatthew so she took out her blouse and folded itcarefully, and put on her denim jacket. She waskneeling on the floor, folding her suit jacket whenMatthew emerged.

“See! You’re not even ready, and I went to thetoilet and then hung around a bit to give you ahead start.”

“You want to be careful, Matthew, hangingaround in toilets; you’ll get yourself a reputation.Anyway, I am ready, and I was ready before you,I’m just neatening out my jacket.”

“Yeah, yeah. OK, we’ll call it a draw then.”72

Considering the view afforded by Helena’skneeling position and tight top, Matthew wouldhave been prepared to concede anything at thatmoment. Helena stood up and noticed Matthew’sstare.

“What’s wrong? Did I go too fast and getlipstick across my chin or something?”

“No, no, it’s fine. Good shirt, good choice.Yeah, I think I picked well, considering I couldn’tsee any of them,” he replied, recovering himself.Helena shook her head in disbelief. The audacity ofthe boy sometimes.

“Shall we go get a quick drink in before wehead off to this do then?” she asked. Matthewnodded, they returned their discarded clothes tothe office and left the building.

“What’s the funkster doing tonight?” askedMatthew as they started on the first drinks of theevening, in Hodgson’s. Helena sighed but didn’ttake him to task: Matthew didn’t seem to mean anyof it nastily, and David apparently found it amusingwhen Matthew called him things like that.

“I don’t know, actually. I haven’t seen himtoday.”

“You mean you haven’t checked up on himsince his cocktail party? He could be lying drunk ina ditch somewhere!” said Matthew, in mock horror.Helena raised an eyebrow.

73

“David?”“Yes, that’s true, he’s probably not drunk in a

ditch. But he could have been trapped in a cornerby a boring client and still be there, too polite toexcuse himself.”

“Matthew …”“Alright, alright, I’ll lay off the boyfriend.

What’ve you been up to for the past few weeks?We’ve only seen you at work.”

“Are you sure you really want to know?”“Is that really all you’ve been up to? I

wouldn’t’ve thought David had it in him.”“Matthew!”“I’m kidding! David’s not too bad, I suppose,

he’s just a bit of an easy target.”“Yes, well find a harder one then.”“You really love the guy, don’t you?” said

Matthew, incredulously.“He’s sweet, and he’s gentle, and he’s always so

happy to be with me …”“Helena, you make him sound like a spaniel.”“Oh honestly, Matthew, if you’re going to be

like this all evening …How’s your lovelife, anyway?We’ll talk about that for a bit, shall we?”

“Not much to say, really. I can’t say I’mparticularly on the lookout at the moment.”

“But if it was offered on a plate, you wouldn’tsay no. I see. Such depth of emotion.”

74

Matthew noticed it was about time to move on,so they drained their glasses and headed, withsome trepidation, to a hotel a few streets awaywhere the party was being held.

For the first few minutes they hung aroundnear the doorway, not quite sure where to go orwhat to do. There seemed to be a lot of peoplethere that they only knew by sight, or didn’trecognize at all. Helena was beginning to wonderwhether this had been a good idea, when Matthewsuddenly strode across the room to the buffet andpicked up two plates. Helena followed, took theplate he held out to her, and started picking out volau vents and other finger foods from the loadedplatters on the table.

“Oh come on, that’s pathetic! It’ll never keepyou going all evening.”

“I don’t want to look greedy, Matthew, it’s notexactly very ladylike.”

Matthew turned from side to side, and back toHelena.

“I don’t think we’re being watched, but I can’tbe certain. What about the woman in the red skirtover there? Is that a notebook in her hand?” hesaid in a conspiratorial whisper.

“What if I run into someone senior?” askedHelena, still unconvinced.

“They’ll be pleased to see the food they’ve75

bought isn’t going to waste. Now get that plateloaded.”

Helena was taking Matthew’s advice andladelling potato salad onto her plate when a slickvoice called her name from somewhere behind herright shoulder. She turned, ladle in hand, to seeDan Pearson bearing down on her, and she glancedto Matthew for support before she turned on awinning smile and greeted Dan.

“Well well, I see you’re taking full advantage ofthe provisions. I like to see a girl with a healthyappetite.”

Helena blushed and replaced the potato saladladle. She saw Matthew frown, but Dan’s attentionwas fully on Helena.

“Hard work, you know, you get hungry,” shefaltered, in reply.

“Now, I haven’t seen much of you yet. I hopethat means you’re not having any problems, andnot that you’re too shy to come and see me.”

He placed what he probably intended to be areassuring hand on her arm; Helena’s smilebecame more forced and she stiffened slightly.Matthew shifted his feet, to bring him just that littlebit closer to her. Dan noticed and lookedunsmilingly at him for a moment before turningback to Helena with a grin that made heruncomfortable, keeping his hand on her arm all

76

the while.“Spending all your time with the same old

crowd can be so boring. Come with me, I’llintroduce you to people, help you mingle.”

He made to move away, pulling gently atHelena’s arm, but she stood firm. Matthewstraightened himself to his full height so he couldlook down on Dan Pearson, and he verydeliberately put his arm round Helena’s shoulders.

“I think we can mingle quite happily byourselves, thanks,” he said, looking Dan directly inthe eye. Dan looked furious and disgusted but triedto be gracious.

“As you wish,” was all he said as he walked away.“Thank you,” said Helena, still watching the

retreat of Dan Pearson across the room.“Not a problem,” replied Matthew, leaving his

arm round her shoulders just that little bit longerthan was strictly necessary, before returning hisattention to the food.

The rest of the evening was thankfully free ofDan Pearson, or indeed any other slimy men tryingto pick Helena up. Since she was dancing, eating,and talking with Matthew, she guessed most peoplethought they were a couple, and she was quitehappy to give that impression if it meant a pleasantand relaxed night. The two of them became sillierand more giddy with every passing glass of wine,

77

and Helena was having a great time stuffing herface, and laughing at drunken senior management.

Eventually Helena became aware that it wasgetting late and it was about time she caught a bushome. Matthew offered to see her to the bus stop,and they left the hotel together, giggling. The blastof cold air as they emerged from the front door wasa shock, and Helena tottered alarmingly on herhigh heels for a second. Matthew grabbed herelbow to support her.

“Honestly woman! Are you sure you’re fit to gohome by yourself?” He laughed, but he was half-hoping she’d decide to stay at his house, boyfriendor no boyfriend.

“I’m perfectly OK, thank you. The step must’vebeen uneven, that’s all.”

They made their way slowly up the street andround the corner to the bus stop, Matthew stillholding her arm. The street was deserted anddimly lit, and Helena was glad Matthew had comewith her. The cold air was sobering her upgradually, and she was vaguely aware that Matthewwas still holding her arm, though he didn’t need toanymore, but she didn’t want to ask him to let go incase she sounded prickly.

They stood next to the bus shelter, Helenafacing the direction the bus would come from,Matthew facing her, still touching her arm if not

78

actually holding it. It was dark, quiet and they wereentirely alone: if she pushed him away there wouldbe no-one to witness his failure. He started to leanhis face towards hers, slowly so as to give her achance to protest if she wanted to, but she didn’tseem to be doing so.

In fact, Helena wasn’t really thinking at all; itdidn’t occur to her that Matthew leaning forwardlike that could only mean he was about to kiss her,and she certainly didn’t reflect on the fact that thiswould be a bad thing because she was going outwith David. Luckily for Helena’s slumberingconscience, Matthew suddenly stumbled, let go ofher arm, and turned to see a man slowly andunsteadily walking past them.

“Sorry mate,” said the passer-by, soundingquite drunk. Before Matthew could either forgiveor berate him, Helena announced that her bus hadswung into view round the corner. As the buspulled alongside them, Helena gave Matthew’supper arm a quick squeeze and jumped onto thebus steps. Had she looked out of the window as thebus drove away, she would have seen a bitter-looking Matthew give the bus stop a sharp kick.

Once on the bus, Helena thought about whathad apparently been about to happen, and wasshocked at herself. If Matthew hadn’t been walkedinto by a drunk she would have let him kiss her,

79

with no thought for their friendship, or for David;she was somewhat upset and confused to find thatshe didn’t feel quite as horrified as she thought sheshould do. She hoped it was just because she wassleepy and full of alcohol; she didn’t want to thinktoo deeply about whether she was attracted toMatthew or not, afraid of the conclusions she mightdraw.

The following morning as Helena was gettingready for work, she was thinking over the events ofthe previous evening, wondering if she had ledMatthew on, and also wondering if meeting him atwork might be awkward. She was quiet andsubdued over breakfast, but her parents put thatdown to a hangover and said nothing.

Matthew on the other hand had taken hisfrustration out on the bus stop, then concluded ashe walked home that since he bore David noparticular ill-will it was probably for the best. Hewasn’t the sort to stay friends with old flames, andon reflection Helena was a good friend and hewouldn’t want to lose her for the sake of a fewweeks’ dalliance. By morning he had, if notforgotten about the end of the previous evening, atleast come to terms with the result and moved on.

Helena practically tiptoed into the office thatmorning, to find everyone else already there.

“Have you got a headache?” asked Matthew,80

with theatrical loudness and a grin. She smiled athim with obvious relief as she sat down at her deskopposite him.

“No worse than yours, I imagine.”“Me? What makes you think I’ve got a

headache this morning? I barely touched a droplast night.”

“Sober and dignified to the end,” said Helena,wincing inwardly as she considered how that mightbe taken. Matthew, if he noticed any hiddenmeaning, showed no sign of it.

“I told Martin about Dan Pearson,” Matthewsaid with distaste. “He reckons we should stick ‘I’ma sleazy old sod’ on his back next time he’s on hisway to some important meeting. He goes in for allthat back-slapping crap, he’d never realise.”

“That’s just a touch juvenile, Matthew.”“It was Martin’s idea, not mine.”“And I didn’t say it wasn’t a good one, just

juvenile,” she smiled. The worst had been passedwith no ill effects.

81

Chapter 6Festivity

On the night before Christmas Eve, Helena wassitting alone on the floor of her bedroom, drinkingtea and checking that she’d wrapped all thepresents she’d bought. David had left for hisparents’ house earlier that evening, and though shethought she’d miss him over the holiday, she wasalso looking forward to having a bit of time toherself or with her friends. One of her universityfriends, always more the sort of person to go to thepictures with than to have deep discussions with,had already drifted away from her; another wasworking in an investment bank in New York. Thatonly left one, who was hoping to visit Helena atNew Year.

As a joke about the way they’d got together,Helena had bought David some boxer shorts forChristmas, more colourful than the ones he usuallywore, and had of course given him the neatlywrapped package already, with strict instructions toleave it unopened until Christmas morning. She’dtaken a box of Quality Street in to work for herofficemates to share, though there was still aseparate present for Matthew, for when he came to

82

help with the tree the following day. Other thanthat, there were only her parents’ presents, andthey were duly wrapped, ribboned and tagged, soshe carefully put them all back on top of her shoecollection. Finding herself at a loss, she was aboutto go downstairs to watch TV with her mum anddad, when the phone rang, her mum answeredand called up to Helena.

Sitting on her parents’ bed, listening to Davidtelling her excitedly about the changes his parentshad made round the house, and how happy thedog had seemed when he’d arrived home, Helenafelt guilty. She hadn’t thought of phoning him, shecouldn’t honestly say she was overjoyed to hearfrom him again so soon, and she was barelylistening to him. Instead she was wondering howmany mince pies were left in the packet downstairs,and how many times a day David would phone herduring his absence. Matthew’s comment on Davidas spaniel came back to her, and she feltuncomfortable.

Christmas Eve dawned in a limp drizzle, andHelena’s dad had already been out and bought atree by the time she dragged herself out of bed andpadded downstairs in dressing-gown and slippers.Christmas seemed to have come very quickly thisyear, partly due to the fact that Helena had been atwork until the 23rd instead of being home from

83

university by the second week of December withnot much to do. She ate her breakfast opposite aslowly defrosting turkey, with her mum bustlingabout the kitchen, seemingly on all sides at once.

“Can I do anything, mum?”“You can get out from under my feet and get

dressed. I need the table.”Back upstairs, washed, dressed, and at a loose

end with none of the homework-guilt of previousChristmases to contend with, Helena listlesslyswitched the radio on and then off again, andflicked through a magazine. Eventually she wentdownstairs to watch TV, and became engrossed in afilm she’d seen countless times before and hadnever really liked.

She was flicking through the Radio Times andTV Times to see if there was anything bearable onthat lunchtime when the doorbell rang, andseconds later she heard Matthew being greeted byher dad.

“Hi,” said Matthew with a grin as he was showninto the living room by Helena’s dad. Her mumfollowed, wiping floury hands on her floral printapron.

“Hello. Well, you’ve met my dad. Mum, this isMatthew.”

Helena’s mum very politely but with littlewarmth, said hello and shook Matthew’s hand. She

84

didn’t entirely approve of Helena’s close friendshipwith this young man, and although she’dintervened with her husband in order thatMatthew should be allowed to join them that day,she wasn’t intending to welcome him with openarms. Helena guessed this much from thestudiously neutral look on her mother’s face, andwondered if the day would turn out to beextremely uncomfortable for everyone.

“Well,” she went on, brightly, “Who’s for tea? Itlooks miserable out, Matthew, I hope you haven’tgot too cold.”

She ushered him along the hall to the kitchen,filled the kettle and offered him a mince pie, whichhe took and held, standing awkwardly in themiddle of the room. Helena’s mum had returnedto the kitchen to resume whatever preparations shehad been in the middle of when Matthew arrived,and the atmosphere she created made conversationalmost impossible.

“I didn’t know when your friend was coming,so I’ve done plenty of veg just in case. We’re havingchicken pie,” said Helena’s mum, as if Matthewwasn’t standing next to her. Pointedly turning toMatthew, Helena asked if he’d already eaten, andwhether he liked chicken pie.

“I had tea and biscuits for breakfast. Chickenpie sounds great.”

85

“Tea and biscuits for breakfast? What kind of astart to the day is that? You’re all alike; I keeptelling Helena she’ll learn one of these days thatyou can’t get through half the day on fresh air. It’sno wonder you none of you seem to have much getup and go,” complained Helena’s mum as she liftedlids off pans, and peered inside the oven. Helenasmiled ruefully at Matthew, who grinned back andbegan to eat his mince pie.

“And don’t be filling up on those, either:dinner’s nearly done. Is that tea ready yet?”

When they sat down together around thekitchen table, Helena was dreading a painful half-hour of stilted conversation punctuated by heavysilences, but Matthew’s light-hearted chatter soonopened everyone up, and by the end of the mealHelena’s parents had both fallen under the spellcast by Matthew’s charm and good humour.

After lunch, with the ice broken and everyonepleasantly full of pie, the tree-decorating began.Now that the moment had arrived, and Matthewwas actually present as an observer, Helena startedto feel self-conscious about her family’s ChristmasEve rituals, and she briefly wondered whether thishad been such a good idea. Her dad was gleefullypulling out a couple of festive LPs to listen to whilethey were busy, and her mum was unwrappingbaubles and telling Matthew the history behind

86

each one. Helena pulled a carrier bag full of tinseltowards her and started sorting it out by colourand length on the living-room floor. Sheremembered what Matthew had said aboutChristmas decorations, and selecting a three-footlength of green tinsel, leaned over and draped itaround his neck from behind, making him jump.

“There you go, you can take that home and pinit on your wall or something.”

“Why thank you, I’ll treasure it always,” repliedMatthew, tying it loosely into somethingreminiscent of Hawaii. An hour or so later, the treewas complete. Matthew hadn’t made fun of anyaspect of their Christmas Eve so far, much toHelena’s relief, and she was glad he’d spent the daywith them. Tea wasn’t quite ready though sowithout really thinking about what her mother’sthoughts on the matter might be, she took himupstairs to her bedroom, because that’s what shewas used to doing when friends came to visit.

“So, this is my room.”“No posters of Patrick Swayze, or Tom Cruise? I

suppose you’ve got David for that though,”grinned Matthew as he scanned the small roomwith its pictureless walls and small bookcase.

“Mum doesn’t want the wallpaper damaging.Sit down, I’ll put some music on.”

Matthew looked interested, and sat cross-legged87

on Helena’s pillow while she plugged in a smallradio-cassette-player that stood on the windowsill.She pulled a tape at random from a shoebox on topof the bookcase, and Matthew noticed that it wasn’tin its case.

“You shouldn’t leave tapes lying aroundwithout a case you know, they won’t last fiveminutes. I bet you don’t rewind them when you’vefinished, either.”

“It’s just a tape, Matthew, it’s not like it’simportant.”

Matthew shook his head, refraining frompointing out that it wasn’t just a tape, it was music,and there could be nothing more important thanthat. When Helena pressed play, and Matthewheard what she’d put on, he considered changinghis mind about it being music — it was a throwawaypop song by a one-hit-wonder from the previousyear, but thankfully the tape had been wound tohalfway through the song before Helena put it on.Suddenly, the music was drowned out.

“Argh! Bruno Brookes! Helena how can youlisten to something that badly edited?”

“What do you mean? I wouldn’t have thoughtyou’d have minded him talking over the song, itdidn’t look like you were enjoying it.”

“That’s not the point, you can’t tape songs offthe radio where they’re submerged under the

88

inane prattlings of a brainless DJ, it ruins thefeeling of the music.”

“I always tape stuff off the radio; I’m not goingto buy the single, it gets really expensive if you likeloads of songs in this week’s chart, then you go offthem after a few weeks and you never listen tothem again. Some things I keep for a while, butmostly I just keep taping over it all.”

The arrival of teatime cut short Matthew’s auraltorture at the hands of Helena’s music collection,and he didn’t ask her what she meant by ‘you gooff them after a few weeks’; it was a concept hecould not get his head around.

Almost immediately after they’d finished theirmeal, Matthew declared it was about time he left,he didn’t want to encounter too many drunks onthe way home and he wasn’t too sure about thefrequency of the buses, either. Helena felt a littledisappointed that he was leaving so soon, thoughin fact he’d been there for about six hours. Hermum had made him a small Christmas pudding totake home with him, and had also parcelled up afew mince pies.

They were all gathered in the hallway, sayinggoodbye to Matthew, who was insistent on keepingthe tinsel garland round his neck, when Helenaremembered she had a present for him in thebottom of her wardrobe.

89

“Oh, hang on Matthew, I forgot your present.”She ran up the stairs, and Matthew felt

ashamed that he’d spent the day with Helena’sfamily, accepted two meals, food to take home withhim, and now a present from Helena, and he’dnever thought of getting her a Christmas presentor bringing a box of chocolates with him to saythank you.

“There you go, no opening it till tomorrowmorning.”

“As if I’d cheat. You’ll have to wait till you comeover on Boxing Day, for yours,” said Matthew asshe handed him a small package with a red bowattached. He hoped he’d be able to find somethinglying around the house that he could wrap up andgive to her without it being too obvious.

“I’m coming over on Boxing Day, am I?”“Well, you don’t have to. I’ll probably phone

you tomorrow, anyway. Thanks for dinner andeverything.” He smiled at Helena’s parents, andthey waved him off down the garden path asthough he was part of the family.

90

Chapter 7A new start

Martin returned for New Year, with theintention of going to a fancy-dress party with somefriends, but the plans disintegrated on the morningof New Year’s Eve, and faced with the prospect ofonly Matthew and the TV for company, Martininsisted Helena join them for the evening. Helena’smother responded to Helena’s intention ofsleeping on the sofa at a house occupied by twomen with a bout of furious oven-cleaning, eventhough she didn’t entirely disapprove of Matthewany more. Helena chose to ignore it, and had apleasantly silly evening involving paper hats,boardgames, and unusual cocktails, mostlyinvolving lager as a base ingredient. David dulyreturned from his festive stay in the country,ecstatic at his reunion with Helena, and life settleddown again into its pre-Christmas groove.

The start of February meant Matthew’s annualValentine gamble could get underway. He was stillunattached, having had only casual and largelydisastrous dates since Sandra and he had partedcompany in November. The big decision, as always,was whether to send a whole stack of cards and

91

hope for one to pay off, or pick a target andbombard her with flowers, cards and chocolates onthe day. He was discussing this quite seriously withMartin one morning when Helena arrived at herdesk.

“What’re you two up to? You look far tooengrossed to be doing any work,” she asked as shearranged her raincoat on a coat hanger.

“Ah, a woman’s insight. How handy.”Helena paused and looked suspiciously at them

both, before sitting down and saying:“Go on…”“Well, as you’ve no doubt spotted, it’s

Valentine’s Day next week. Now it’s all very well forcouples like yourself and David, you just break outthe champagne and oysters, invest in some newbarely-there underwear, start feeding each othergrapes and Bob’s your uncle.”

“Matthew!”Matthew made placating gestures and

continued:“But the problem for those of us who aren’t in

that fortunate situation are twofold: firstly, is thereanyone we might want to try and use Valentine’sDay to ensnare, and secondly, how best to go aboutthis. Now…”

“You mean you want me to tell you what’s thebest way of getting into some poor girl’s knickers

92

without forking out too much on chocolate?”“Helena, Helena…Yes.”Helena shook her head. Sometimes the pair of

them were beyond belief.“I suppose it depends on the girl in question.

Do either of you have anyone in mind?”“Martin does, don’t you Martin?”Martin scratched the back of his neck nervously

and looked at his desk, saying nothing.“Oh well I’ll tell you then. It’s the fat lass in the

outer office, she's just been ditched by her fiance.”“She’s not fat Matthew, she’s well-

proportioned,” said Martin, rubbing his ear, stillnot looking up.

“Well,” began Helena, somewhat taken abackby this news, “You’re probably best off sending herflowers rather than anything chocolatey…”

“She’s not fat!” reiterated Martin, lookingfuriously at Helena. “And she’s not middle-aged,either.”

Helena looked helplessly at Matthew, wholooked embarrassed, as though he and Martin hadhad this argument on several occasions already.Martin was twenty-five, and although Helena didn’tknow how old the woman in question might be, shewould have guessed at over thirty.

“Er, no, but then she’s not going to be as easily-impressed as a young girl, is she? So you probably

93

need more than an anonymous card and a redrose. What about you Matthew, anyway?”

Helena was desperate to steer them away froma touchy subject, but Matthew just shrugged. He’dbeen compiling a mental list of possibilities for acouple of weeks, but none of them were more thanhalf-hearted selections.

“I don’t know, I thought about maybe sendingcards to every available girl in the company, plus arandom selection of barmaids and supermarketcheckout girls.”

“It’s a technique,” commented Helena, unsureas to whether or not he was joking.

“Where’s David taking you?” asked a sorry-looking Martin.

“I think he’s making me dinner at his place,actually.”

“Grapes for afters?” asked Matthew, assuminginnocence.

The fateful day arrived the following Tuesday.Matthew had indeed sent cards of varying degreesof expense to almost every unattached girl he couldthink of, to see who he got positive responses from.Martin had said no more about the amply-proportioned Karen in the outer office, andHelena had received a large, soppy card throughthe post, anonymous but clearly in David’shandwriting.

94

At half past nine, the office door burst inwards,followed by the large frame of a besuited woman.She turned to a shocked Matthew and elaboratelyripped up a card, fluttering the pieces over his deskand the surrounding floor.

“It might be your idea of a hilarious joke but Idon’t think it’s very funny!” she shouted.

Helena could only see a back view but sheguessed it was Karen, and wondered what crueltrick Matthew had played on her, just becauseMartin was interested in her. Helena wasdisappointed in Matthew, she knew he was flippantand teasing a lot of the time but this poor womansounded close to tears.

“Oh, hello Martin,” said Karen, quietly, as ifshe’d just noticed there were other people in theroom. Matthew was staring at her, stunned tosilence, while Martin looked like a rabbit inheadlights. No-one spoke for a few seconds thatseemed much longer.

“Er, Karen, I’m not sure how to put this, but Ithink you’re about the only woman under fortythat I haven’t sent a card to today,” said Matthew,keeping a wary eye on the pieces of abusedgreeting-card that littered his workspace. Karenlooked at him, wide-eyed, embarrassed enough ather unwarranted scene that she didn’t notice any

95

implied insult. Martin was still frozen in silence.“Oh God, Matthew I’m so sorry. What must you

think of me? I didn’t think it was the sort of thingyou’d do but you know you are a bit of a joker andit just said ‘Will you marry me? M’, and I…”

Karen trailed off into tears, pulling a lace-edged handkerchief from the sleeve of her blouseand dabbing carefully at her made-up eyes.Matthew and Helena stared at her, not knowingquite what to do or say, until the contents of hercard sunk in and they both turned to look atMartin, who swallowed with great difficulty, tried tosay something then returned to panicked silence.

“Martin!” breathed a shocked Helena. “I knowI said she wouldn’t be easily impressed, but aproposal?”

Karen paused in her eye-dabbing and peered atMartin distrustfully. He looked ragged andmiserable, trying to shrink into his chair.

“I know it’s a bit old-fashioned…” he mumbledas he accidentally snapped the clip off a pen he wasplaying with.

“Martin?” queried Karen, sniffing and dabbing.“Oh crumbs, Martin, I never thought,” she said,mostly to herself, as she frantically started pickingup all the pieces of card. Matthew gathered up theones that had fallen onto him, and handed them toher, still wary as if she might turn on him again.

96

Was she planning on throwing the bits of rippedcard at Martin now?

“Does anyone have any sellotape?”Martin leapt up with a tentative smile and held

out his tape dispenser to Karen, who beamed athim as she took it. Matthew leaned forward acrosshis desk and loudly whispered to Helena:

“What just happened there?”“I have no idea, but if I were you I’d start

writing a Best Man’s speech.” The day settled down after the early drama.

Helena received a large basket of flowers, alsoclearly from David, and Martin wore a permanentshocked smile. No-one had dared ask him yetwhether the proposal to Karen had been seriouslyaccepted, but it was clear that they were now anitem at least. Helena hadn’t realised how wellMartin and Karen knew each other because she’dnever seen them together outside of work, but shediscovered they'd gone out together a couple ofyears earlier and on reflection the proposal didn’tseem quite as bizarre as it had done at first.

At lunchtime, when only Helena and Matthewwere at their desks, eating sandwiches andcommenting on Matthew’s lack of response to hisValentine mailshot, their office received anotherunexpected female visitor.

“Hi. Are you Matthew, by any chance?” asked97

the head that peered round the door after atentative knock. Matthew assured her that he was,and she stepped inside.

“This was on my desk this morning in a blankenvelope, so I opened it, but I think it was probablymeant for someone else, I’ve only been here a fewdays. Anyway someone said it looked like one ofMatthew’s, so I asked where Matthew was and Icame to return it so you can give it to whoever itwas meant for. Though you’d need a newenvelope.”

Matthew watched her, rapt, as she brandished aValentine card in front of her. She was petite, withalmost elfin features and short, slightly spikedblonde hair; her jacket sleeves were marginally toolong for comfort, which lent her the air of a child,pretending.

“You can keep it if you like,” he said.The blonde girl smiled and stood the card up

on Matthew’s desk, bending from the waist ratherthan stepping closer. She turned to go backthrough the door she’d left open.

“Hang on! What’s your name?”“Clare,” as she closed the door behind her.Matthew looked at Helena, who was munching

on a sandwich, with a bemused look on her face.“Do I take it she was one of your many

recipients?” she asked when she’d finished the98

mouthful.Matthew shook his head slowly.“No, I have no idea who she is.”He picked up the card she’d returned and read

it, then nodded thoughtfully.“Laura’s moved offices, I forgot. Well, I know

where Clare is now, anyway.”“Are you going to go deliver that to poor

deprived Laura then?”“Not a lot of point now, she doesn’t stand a

chance with Clare to be compared to.”After work, having left Matthew lost in thoughts

of Clare, Helena made her way to David’s flat. Hehad taken the afternoon off work to prepare her ameal and she was looking forward to finding outwhat culinary delights were in store for her. Thesmell of burning that greeted her on the stairs didnot, however, bode well. She wrinkled up her noseand peered into the tiny kitchen.

“Ah. It’s probably best if you don’t look tooclosely,” said David, steering her towards the sofa.“Dinner won’t be long. Champagne?”

“Er, yes, please. Is something burning, David?”She rose from her seat, concerned about the

smell and the faint smoke-haze in the kitchen. Thistime, David didn’t stop her.

“Not any more, no. Never flambé before youcan roast, as the old saying goes, and I think we can

99

all learn a lot from that.”“Pardon?” asked Helena.“Um. Well, I wanted to cook you something

special, so I asked mother’s advice but she did warnme it might be quite tricky, which is why I took halfa day’s holiday, but…”

Helena looked at the blackened unrecognisablelump on the worktop, that David was pointing at.

“What was it?”“Oh that’s really not important now. I’ve made

you something else that I know you’ll like. Notmade as such, more just heated, really. Anyway, sitdown, I’ll bring it through in just a tick.”

Helena retreated from the kitchenette’sdoorway and fished a small envelope from herhandbag. She placed it on the table and sat downopposite, sipping her champagne. After amoment’s thought, she lit the three candles in thecentre of the table and switched off the light.

“Here we are, lovingly-prepared specially formy beautiful Helena,” announced David as heplaced a laden plate in front of her with a flourish.Helena looked at the contents of the plate andbegan to laugh, then stopped when she saw thehurt look on his face.

“Oh no I wasn’t…I mean, thank you, it’s lovely.It’s just that it seemed quite funny that you’d takenthe afternoon off for this, that’s all. There’s a card

100

for you.” She gestured to the envelope by his plate,and David sat down, somewhat mollified.

“Gosh, who can this be from?” he asked with asmile as he opened the card from Helena. “Whichreminds me, I have a small gift for you.”

Helena was dismayed by this news, not becauseshe didn’t want a present but because it hadn’toccurred to her to buy anything for David, andhe’d already sent her flowers earlier in the day.Keith had never been a partaker of the ‘capitalistfestivals’ as he called them, and declared that thosewho had love had no need of Valentine’s Day,which meant they had never even exchangedcards.

“It can wait though, surely? I wouldn’t want thecrispy pancakes to go cold, not after you’ve workedso hard on them.”

After the meal, David went into the bedroomand returned with his hands behind his back.

“Close your eyes and hold out your hands.”Helena, perched on the edge of the sofa,

obediently closed her eyes and cupped her handsin front of her. She felt something soft and furrybrushing her palms before David instructed her tolook at the present. Looking down she immediatelysaw a small grey toy rabbit, which felt very soft, andshe was about to thank David when she noticed theglint at its neck.

101

“Oh…It’s a bracelet…Are they aitches?” sheasked, looking up at David who was grinning. Henodded, and knelt in front of her to fasten thechain of gold aitches around her wrist. When it wassecure, he coughed in a preparatory sort of way.

“Father thinks it’s about time you visited thefamily pile.” He grimaced and looked down. “Andmother’s been asking when she’s going to meetyou. I thought we could go down there over theEaster weekend.” He looked up at her expectantly.Helena’s mind raced; she tried not to look asdisturbed as she felt by the sight of David kneelingbefore her, talking about meeting his parents. Sheclutched the rabbit to her chest and tried to thinkof a suitable reply.

102

Chapter 8Endings and beginnings

The morning after the Valentine dinner,Helena confided in Matthew:

“I told him my friend’s coming over from NewYork at Easter and I was hoping to see her.”

“Oh is she? That’s nice.”“No Matthew, she isn’t, I haven’t heard from

her since Christmas. I couldn’t face going to the‘family pile’ to be vetted by ‘mother and father’. Idoubt they’d approve, anyway.”

Helena looked thoroughly miserable, she wasall but drooping into her coffee mug, but Matthewcouldn’t resist:

“He probably wanted to show you the estateand then propose by the trout lake or something.”

Helena looked up from her drink.“That’s what I was afraid of: why else would

father and mother be so anxious to meet me if notto check I was suitable material for the next lady ofthe manor? It’s not really me, rattling around in abig house in the country with a load of dogs. He’s anice lad…”

“But …?”“Exactly: ‘but’. I’m too young to be thinking

103

about marriage, anyway.”“We might be jumping to conclusions.”They looked at each other and shook their

heads, which at least made Helena smile, howeverwanly.

“Urgh, Matthew, I don’t know what to do. I feelterrible for lying to him but it was the first thing Ithought of, I couldn’t just say I dreaded him takingme home to meet his parents, could I?”

Matthew shrugged and slid off the desk he wasperched on.

“I dunno …It seems to me though that thekindest thing to do, if he’s thinking in terms ofmarriage and heirs, and you’re not even planningon meeting the folks …Come on, we’d better get towork, we can talk about this later.” He’d seenHelena’s features descend further into misery, andhe was determined not to provoke her into tears inthe office.

At ten past one Hugh, Henry and Mark hadalready gone for lunch. Martin was collectingKaren from her office to take her shopping for anengagement ring, much to his own disbelief, andHelena had just made coffee for herself andMatthew as preparation for a long and seriousdiscussion about what she should say to David. Shewas placing Matthew’s mug among the disorderedpapers on his desk when the office door opened

104

and Martin stuck his head round it.“Clare’s in the corridor,” he whispered with a

grin, and left. Matthew sat up in his chair andlooked thoughtful. Leaving it just long enough tobe unconnected with Martin’s visit, but not longenough to miss her, he strode purposefully to thedoor and opened it.

“Matthew what about your coffee?” askedHelena, who didn’t want to be deserted when sheneeded so badly to talk to her friend.

“Back in a minute,” Matthew replieddistractedly as he went out. Helena slumped ontothe corner of her desk, dejected and alone, andsipped her coffee, burning her lip. Trying not to letthe feeling of hopelessness reduce her to tears, shepulled a glossy magazine from her bag and startedinto her sandwiches while she read an article aboutnailcare.

Less than ten minutes later Matthew returned,apparently having had no success with Clare,who’d been chatting to Dan Pearson when Matthewwalked past and said hello, ostensibly on the way tothe toilet.

“She barely glanced at me. She didn’t even getmy name right, she called me Michael. In front ofDan sodding Pearson.” He glared at his feet, whichwere resting on his desk, as he sipped his coffee.Helena found this quite entertaining, considering

105

the casual way in which Matthew usually dismissedgirls he didn’t find attractive, but she didn’t think itwould be a good idea to say so.

“Well, give her time. The old Matthew charmusually works sooner or later.”

Matthew gave a humourless huff of laughterand a noncommital grunt.

“Anyway,” He pulled himself together andswung his feet down from the desk, sitting up tolook more alert. “We were sorting out the problemof how to stop you being the new Lady Gibbon,weren’t we.”

By the end of the week, Martin and Karen hadstarted to plan the wedding, Karen flashing hernew, tasteful and not too expensive ring at everyopportunity. Martin had made it clear to hisofficemates that Karen was all for a quiet affair at aregistry office, so no offence was to be taken if aninvite failed to show up. In private of course heassured Matthew and Helena that however quiet,the pair of them would be expected to attend. Hedidn’t mention David, in case Helena had split upwith him by then; Matthew hadn’t told him much,but he was aware that things were not all sunshineand flowers in the world of Helena.

She had been trying her best to avoid David forthe rest of the week, diving into the bathroom athome every time the phone rang, and declining to

106

accompany her colleagues on the usual Fridayevening excursion to Hodgson’s. Instead, she spentFriday evening sitting on her bed drinking endlesstea, weighing up her feelings for David. Shecouldn’t continue to avoid him without upsettinghim; he was probably already wondering whatexactly he’d done to offend her. On the other handshe couldn’t speak to him without agreeing to visithis family home, or offering him a watertightexcuse for never doing so. The time had come fordecisions.

Early enough on Saturday morning to slip outof the house unnoticed and thereforeunquestioned, Helena set off to visit David. For theentire bus journey she fidgeted in her seat, bit ather thumbnails, and practiced conversation-openers in her head. When a bleary-eyed Davidopened the door, however, her mind wentcompletely blank.

“Oh gosh, Helena, you’re here early. I seemedto keep missing you on the phone, I was going toring you later to see if you were coming over.”

Helena had followed David up the stairs andinto his small living-room, and now stood,hesitating, in front of the sofa. Should she blurt outwhat she’d come here to say, and then leave? Ortake her coat off, sit down over tea and a chat, thengradually work up to the fact that this was the end.

107

“Er…David I’ve…”“Hang on, I’ll make some tea. It’s a trifle chilly

this morning, specially just wearing a dressinggown.”

He rubbed at his arms to drive home hisopinion on the temperature, and stepped into thekitchen to fill the kettle. Helena waited, unmoving.

“See what I mean? You’ve frozen into place!…What’s wrong?”

“David I can’t go visit your parents at Easter.”“Yes you said that, you’re friend’s over from the

States. That doesn’t matter, it didn’t have to be atEaster.”

“No, I mean I can’t…Look, David, you’re alovely person…” She cringed as the words left hermouth; what a crass and insincere phrase. Shelooked up into David’s face: he looked as thoughhe’d just seen someone pull up in one go sixhundred petunias he’d spent all day planting,unable to understand why anyone would want todo such a thing to him.

“I just think perhaps we want different thingsfrom this, that’s all. You’d better have this back.”She reached inside her handbag for the bracelethe’d given her so recently, but David held up ahand.

“No no, it was made for you, it would seemimproper for anyone else to wear it.”

108

He’d had it made for her? Helena felt likesomeone had punched her softly in the stomach,and remained rooted to the spot, one hand stillhalfway out of her bag, clutching the bracelet.Surely this was proof that she was doing the rightthing though; it must have cost him a fortune. Witha swift decisive movement she drew her hand outand placed the bracelet on a sofa cushion.

“I couldn’t keep it.”“Why, Helena?”“Why? Well it must have cost you…”“No, not the bracelet, I mean why…I thought

you were happy, I thought we were happy.”Helena concentrated on her bag-clasp as she

fastened it, turning over a variety of replies in hermind.

“Yes, it’s been fun.”“Well why are you suddenly…Oh…Are you

bothered about making a bad impression on myparents? I can easily put them off for a fewmonths.” His face brightened as his moment ofpartial insight arrived, and Helena felt trulywretched.

“I think I’ve just realised how different we are.I’m sorry David, I have to go.” She rushed downthe stairs and outside without looking at David, notwanting to see the brightness fade once more as shekicked her faithful lapdog in the teeth.

109

Walking hurriedly through the still-desertedstreets, sniffing repeatedly, wishing she’d had morethan two tissues with her, Helena wondered what todo next. She didn’t want to go home and face hermother’s silent questioning as she encountered heraround the house, but neither did she feel likewandering through the shops, particularly as hereyes must be quite red. She looked at her watch:nearly half past nine, probably not too drasticallyearly for social calls.

Helena had never called on Matthewunannounced before, and she felt more nervousthan she thought she ought to as she walked up theshort path to the front door. All the curtains wereclosed but there were lights on downstairs so shetook a deep breath and rang the doorbell.

“Helena! You’re bright and early, love…Oh,what’s wrong? Come in!” Karen ushered Helenainside with such maternal bustling that Helena hadto smile; poor Martin probably hadn’t realised howloudly ticking a biological clock he was up against.

“Is Matthew awake yet, do you know?”“Well I haven’t seen him, but…Martin! Did you

take Matthew some tea?”Martin, in T-shirt and striped pyjama bottoms,

appeared from the kitchen with a mug in his hand.“Mm. He grunted but that doesn’t mean

anything with Matthew, I’ve had conversations with110

him before and he’s turned out to be fast asleep.Bob upstairs and see.”

Helena hesitated, torn between a need for asympathetic ear and her embarrassment at callingon Matthew while he was still in bed.

“He’s alone, if that’s what you’re worried about.And I don’t think he’s naked. Not in this house.Not in February,” supplied Martin, with a grin.Helena gave him an exasperated look and startedup the stairs.

She knocked tentatively on Matthew’s bedroomdoor and listened for a reply, which wasn’tforthcoming. Unsure whether to retreat down thestairs or try again, she waited on the dimly-litlanding for a few seconds, until she heard a loudthumping from downstairs. Leaning over thebannister she saw through the open living-roomdoor, Martin standing on the arm of the sofa,whacking the ceiling with a telephone directory. Helooked up at the bemused face of Helena peeringdown at him.

“That’ll get him going, try again.”“Is that a tried and tested method?”“There are no guaranteed methods for waking

Matthew up, I’m afraid, but I have my favouritetricks,” replied Martin, mock-solemnly. Wonderingwhy exactly she had decided to come here at suchan hour, Helena pushed herself away from the

111

bannister and returned to Matthew’s door, whereshe tapped gently at the panelling.

“Martin bugger off! It’s Saturday you git!” camefrom within, muffled by a duvet.

“Matthew! It’s Helena,” was all the reply shecould think of. There was a pause, and then a lessmuffled invitation to enter. She did so, to findMatthew lying in bed, squinting at her over theedge of his covers.

“Hello. What brings you here?” He turned ontohis side and picked up his watch from the top of apile of paperback books beside the bed, bringing itclose to his half-open eyes to read the digitaldisplay. He raised his eyebrows and turned toHelena. “What are you even doing out of bed atthis time on a weekend?”

“Not everyone’s as lazy as you, Matthew. I wasjust at a bit of a loose end, that’s all.”

“Bit of a loose end?” he repeated, taking in herreddened eyes. “You wouldn’t happen to haverecently left David’s flat, would you?”

There was a knock at the door, and Martinappeared with a steaming mug in his hand.

“You looked like you could use some tea,” hesaid, handing it to Helena, who smiled gratefully.

“Where’s mine?” asked Matthew, indignantly.Martin leaned over to one side.

“Going cold next to your bed, by the looks of it.112

Told you you can never tell,” he said, turning toHelena.

“What?” asked a puzzled Matthew as he sat upand leaned out of bed to pick up his lukewarm tea.Helena shook her head in reply, and Martin left theroom, closing the door behind him.

“Sit down then, take your coat off. Actually youmight not want to take your coat off, it’s a bit coldfor that. You can put the fire on though,” saidMatthew, propping himself up among his pillowsand wrapping the duvet round him so that only hishead and the tea-bearing hand were exposed to thecold air. Helena bent to switch on the electric bar-fire in the small hearth, looking around forsomewhere to sit as she did so. Straightening upwith a frown, she asked Matthew if there was a seatshe’d missed.

“Under the pile of clothes. Just shove them onthe floor. Careful nothing bites you,” he repliedwith a grin. Gingerly, Helena reached for thewooden chairback under an overhanging shirt andtipped the assorted items of clothing onto the floor.Sitting down on the plastic-covered seat, she heldher mug with both frozen hands and sipped hertea.

“Well come on,” said Matthew, not unkindly.“You’re obviously here to pour your heart outabout something so you might as well get started.”

113

Giving a limp groaning sigh, Helena gatheredher thoughts and began.

114

Chapter 9Moving on

The following week, Matthew’s search for newlodgings became serious. Martin, as Matthew’slandlord, hadn’t given him any deadline formoving out, but Matthew thought it best not tolinger beyond the wedding day in late Marchunless he really had no other choice. He had beencasually glancing through the classified ads in thelocal papers for a few days, but for some reason theproximity of March 25th had hit him forcibly whilehe was cleaning his teeth one morning, and hissearch had deepened.

Devoid of David’s company, and still trying toavoid too much questioning from her mother,Helena had been spending a lot of time atMatthew’s house, helping him go through thepapers, and getting to know Karen.

Finding digs for Matthew was proving to bequite tricky; furnished accomodation for oneperson usually meant rooms in a shared house, orsomewhere like David’s flat. Matthew, while notexactly fastidious himself, had a pessimistic view ofthe ability of others to keep a house fairly clean andnot too untidy, and resolutely refused to move in

115

with complete strangers. Unfortunately, he also hadno particular wish to live alone, perturbed by thethought of having to make his own meals and dohis own shopping if he was unwell. Helena’ssuggestion of renting a two-bedroomed house,moving in and then interviewing candidates to finda suitable housemate had met with initial interest,until they realised how much more expensive therent would be while he was still living alone.

“This is hopeless, Matthew, you’re far toopicky,” complained Helena one evening as shetossed her pen onto the kitchen table, following herunsuccessful trawl through yet another local paper.

“Well I’ve still got a couple of weeks to findsomething,” he replied absentmindedly, slowlytapping his penlid against his lower lip as he leanedover the newspaper he had open in front of him.Helena looked across at the page he was reading:

“Matthew! You’re reading the football reports!I’ve spent nearly an hour reading through advertsfor you, and you’re not even helping.”

“I only just started reading the sports page,” hedefended. “It’s the next page after the adverts stop,I turned over and got distracted. It’s about time wehad a break anyway.” He pushed his chair backwith a squeak of lino, and got up to make tea.

“It’s probably about time I went home,actually,” said Helena, standing up and stretching

116

her arms above her head to loosen her shoulders.“Mum’s been complaining she never knows whento expect me home, she doesn’t know whether tohave my tea on or not, a simple phone call is all ittakes…”

“Maybe you should move out, join the club,”suggested Matthew, dropping teabags into the pot.“You could go share a house with a load of girls,then you’d have friends to watch weepy movieswith and discuss men…and I’d suddenly know thephone number of several unattached youngfemales.” He turned to Helena and grinned, andshe shook her head with a laugh.

“As if I’d tell you my phone number if I lived ina house full of girls. They’d throw me out. No, I’mafraid I’ll be staying at home for a while yet.”

“Why?” asked Matthew, more seriously. “It’s along trek on the bus every day, you have to get avery expensive taxi home if you go out late atnight…”

“It’s only twenty minutes each way on the bus.And I don’t stay out late that often. I’d just bethrowing money away, renting, when I could stayat home and have my tea cooked for me everynight.”

“And have your mum breathing down yourneck all the time and asking where you’ve been andwho with and why are you home so late. You

117

should think about it,” he went on, warming to histheme. “Part of the money you’d spend on rentwould be made up for because you wouldn’t needbus fare or taxis home…”

“But depending on where I rented, I might stillhave to get the bus to work, or a taxi home atnight, and at the moment I don’t pay any billsexcept part of the phone bill, and I don’t cook veryoften and I don’t have to go buy food or do anylaundry. Honestly Matthew, there’s no reason forme to move out yet, I’m OK as I am.”

Matthew shrugged, beaten for the moment, butbeginning to wonder if Helena might make a goodhousemate. She in turn was telling herself that herarguments for staying at home were far moreconvincing than Matthew’s arguments for movingout, but there was a nagging doubt underneath it;she considered that living with people her own agemight be a lot more fun than living with her ageingparents. Determined not to subject herself to anymore of Matthew’s persuasive arguments in caseshe buckled, she picked up her coat and handbag,said her goodbyes, and left for home.

By that weekend, with only a fortnight to gountil Martin’s wedding, Helena was beginning toweaken. For the remainder of the week she hadgone straight home after work, trying to avoid anyfurther conversations with Matthew on the subject

118

of her leaving home, but left alone to think about itshe had begun to turn over in her mind thepossibility of sharing a house with him. OnSaturday morning, she tentatively broached thesubject at home while waiting for the kettle to boil.

“Mum, what would you say if I said I wasthinking about moving out?”

“I’d say ‘why would you want to leave here tolive with a bunch of strangers?’, probably,” repliedMrs Robertshaw, not looking up from her perusalof the morning paper at the kitchen table.

“I don’t want to live with a bunch of strangers; Imeant sharing a house in town with a friend. I’d benearer to work and it’d be easier for going out. Ijust thought it might be fun,” explained Helena.

“I didn’t think you had any friends,”commented her mum, turning a page slowly.“Except the lad that’s getting married, andMatthew…” She looked up at her daughter,sharply. “You are not going to live with Matthew,young lady. I knew that lad was up to no good.”

“You knew nothing of the sort!” counteredHelena, pushing herself away from the worktopshe’d been leaning on, ignoring the click of thekettle as it boiled. “You liked Matthew when youmet him. Anyway, what’s wrong with living withMatthew?”

“What’s wrong…? Frank! Frank, come and119

speak to your daughter! We were too soft on youwith Keith, I said we shouldn’t have let you…”

“What are you hollering about, Marjory?”asked Helena’s dad as he entered the kitchen andtook in his wife’s furious countenance and hisdaughter’s defensively-crossed arms.

“Tell her why it’s called ‘living in sin’, Frank!”stormed Helena’s mother.

“Hang on!” interrupted Helena, “Nobody saidanything about that; Matthew and I are justfriends, when I say sharing a house I mean sharinga house, not sharing a bed.”

“Helena!” admonished her mother, closing hernewspaper with a loud rustle and slap of thetabletop.

“You started it,” Helena pouted. “I justthought, since Matthew’s looking for a housemateand I was beginning to wonder if it was about timeI moved out, it made sense, that’s all. I’m goingout, I’ll see you later.”

Helena left the kitchen to put her shoes on,wondering whether to go for a walk to calm down,or head into town. She heard her mum beratingher bewildered dad for being too lenient a fatherand letting his only daughter turn out soshameless, and that helped her to decide.

When Matthew opened his front door an hourlater, a grumpy-looking Helena was standing on

120

the path.“Hello. What’s up with you?” he asked as he

stood aside to allow her into the hallway.“Do you want a housemate?” she asked.

121

Chapter 10Flying the nest

While Martin and Karen were on honeymoon,Matthew and Helena moved into their newly-rented terraced house, a mere fifteen minutes’ walkfrom their office building. It wasn’t in the nicestpart of town but neither was it in one of the worst,though Helena’s mother had sniffed loudly andsaid nothing when she had first seen where herdaughter was going to be living. The house wasfurnished to a fairly basic standard but the rent wascheap, it was handy for going to work and goingout, and Matthew and Helena were young enoughnot to mind hard chairs and a touch of mildew.

“We should have a house-warming party,”suggested Matthew as he unpacked the tins of foodhe’d brought with him, and stacked them in akitchen cupboard.

“We could give our guests baked beans, Isuppose,” replied Helena, eyeing Matthew’scupboard.

“Ah, these were on special offer,” he explained,waving a tin in her direction. “That’s the sort ofbudgetting concern you’re going to have to getused to, now, Helena,” teased Matthew, with a grin.

122

“I did spend three years at university, thankyou. Who would we invite to a housewarmingparty, anyway? Except Martin and Karen?”

Matthew paused in his tin-stacking and sat backon his heels.

“Well you see, this is the beauty of having aparty: you can invite all sorts of people you’d quitelike to know, but don’t really as yet.”

“You mean you want us to have a party so youcan invite loads of girls round?”

“Essentially, yes. Have you never thrown aparty before?”

“No,” replied Helena, unwrapping an old plateshe’d used at university, and wondering whethershe’d done the right thing. “It’s odd getting all mybattered old pans and things out again, it feels likebeing back at university, in a way.”

“Does that mean you’re going to start gettingup to all sorts of wild student antics?” askedMatthew, resuming his cupboard-arranging.

“I doubt it,” replied Helena, slowly. “I don’tthink I got up to much of that in the first place.”

“Too busy going on peace marches with Keith?”“Something like that,” said Helena, with a

grimace that Matthew didn’t see, since he had hisback to her and his head in a cupboard. “I think it’sabout time we had a cup of tea, don’t you?”

Since neither Matthew nor Helena had a great123

deal of belongings, by the end of the eveningeverything was more or less in its place and theywere left with a short time to fill before they retiredto their beds. There had been discussions aboutrenting a TV, but neither of them had got aroundto organising it in advance, so late-night Radio Onewas drowning the silence in their living-room.

“We wouldn’t have much room for a party,”mused Helena, drowsily curled up on the lumpysofa.

“Intimacy,” was Matthew’s short reply from hisbeanbag in front of the gas fire.

“You could invite Clare.”“The thought had never crossed my mind,”

said Matthew sarcastically, not looking up from thenovel he was reading. Helena pouted, wanting tochat to her friend since he was in the same room,but reluctant to disturb him since they now had tolive in a shared space. She glanced at her watchand sat up, stretching her legs out towards the fire,toes pointed. Still not looking up, Matthew reachedout as if to tickle the feet that were now in suchclose proximity, and Helena pulled her legs back sofast that she fell back into the cushions.

“Don’t you dare, Matthew!” she shrieked.“Ticklish? Oh dear, you probably shouldn’t

have told me that,” he said, turning to her with agrin. “Off to bed?”

124

“I suppose so, it’s after eleven. Night-night,”said Helena, levering herself from the sofa andheading for the door. Matthew waved at her andturned the radio off, scrunching down further intothe beanbag to finish the chapter he was reading.He thought that Helena might be a goodhousemate, on the whole, but he would miss theeasy-going Martin and their occasional ridiculousevenings of such high-brow pursuits as Buckaroowith forfeits.

The next morning, Helena awoke with adisoriented feeling when her alarm sprang intoaction, not immediately recognising hersurroundings. She smiled sleepily to herself as sheremembered that she was in her new bedroom,away from parental jurisdiction and only a shortwalk from work, with no unpleasant wait at a coldbus-stop to contend with. She threw back the duvetand switched on the portable radio-cassette playerby her bed, dancing over to the heavy oldwardrobe. Matthew, meanwhile, woken from hisrestless first night in a new place by the sounds ofchart music coming through the wall, missedMartin afresh when he realised he would have tomake his own tea first thing in the morning insteadof relying on his obliging housemate always beingup first.

Helena was almost finished breakfasting by the125

time Matthew padded into the kitchen rubbing hiseyes.

“Is it strictly necessary to get up this early forwork?” he asked, not in the best of moods due tothe bad night’s sleep, the early waking and the lackof tea.

“I’m used to getting the ten past eight bus; I’msure I’ll start getting up a bit later when I’ve beenhere a while. There’s tea in the pot,” said Helena,far too brightly for the time of day, in Matthew’sopinion. He opened the cupboard the mugs shouldhave been in, if he was in his old kitchen, butinstead was confronted by pyrex dishes.

“Next one along, to the left,” said Helena.Matthew duly moved to the next cupboard to theleft and selected a mug for his much-needed tea.“What time do you normally get up for workthen?” asked Helena, taking in his dishevelled stateand half-closed eyes.

“When Martin realises I’ve only got fiveminutes to leave the house or I’ll be late. I don’tknow, about eight I guess,” said Matthew, pouringtea and trying to get his befuddled brain in gear.Helena watched him with interest, finding itstrange to be having breakfast with Matthew,particularly with no Martin around. In time ofcourse she’d get used to it, but the novelty madeher feel pleasantly refreshed, as though she was on

126

holiday despite being about to leave for work.They walked to work together, earlier than

Matthew would have chosen, but there was nopoint staying in the house an extra quarter of anhour alone, just to prove a point. Still half-asleep,he trudged along with his hands in his jacketpockets, while Helena bounced along the unevenpavement with a smile on her face, oblivious to thechill drizzle.

127

Chapter 11How to make friends and influence people

“How about this party then?” asked Matthew afew days later as he and Helena sat down to eat intheir small kitchen.

Helena nibbled on a chip as she considered theimplications of throwing a party: all the food andalcohol to provide, the music and guestlist to sortout, the neighbours and the mess to contend with.

“We’ll have to wait till Martin and Karen getback,” she said, finally.

Matthew grinned at this apparent acquiescence,letting his imagination run through the many andvaried young women who would, no doubt, beattending.

Since the newlyweds would be arriving homethat weekend, Matthew decided that the followingSaturday evening would be an ideal time for ahousewarming party, and began to pass the wordaround. Every woman invited by Matthew thatweek was urged to bring a friend along, and hesubtly tried to make it clear to them that he andHelena were housemates but nothing more.

128

Helena wondered if it had been a mistake, givingher backing to this scheme, but she had an ideaMatthew wouldn’t have let the matter drop untilshe agreed.

After work on the Friday, Helena and Matthewwent straight to the supermarket, piling a trolleyhigh with snack foods, beer and wine. They hadcontemplated cocktails, but since they didn’t haveany of the basic ingredients already, it would havebeen too expensive to buy everything they needed.Helena compromised by buying orange juice,maraschino cherries and small paper umbrellas toaccompany the sparkling white wine. Matthewseemed quite cheerful as he handed over his shareof cash at the checkout, but Helena’s heart sank asshe let go of her sheaf of notes. To make thingsworse, they had to get a taxi home because therewas too much to carry.

Neither Matthew nor Helena owned anythingtremendously expensive and breakable, but thatdidn’t stop Helena going from room to room onSaturday morning, assessing possible damage andtrying to take preventative measures. She wrappedher favourite mug, and the pint glass someone hadstolen from the student union for her on hernineteenth birthday, in a jumper and stowed themat the bottom of her wardrobe. When Matthewemerged shortly after ten o’clock and padded

129

downstairs barefoot, swinging the tassel on the endof his dressing-gown cord, he found Helena staringinto the kitchen, deep in thought.

“Boo,” said Matthew, conversationally, as hetried to squeeze past her to satisfy his tea-cravings.

“Hang on,” she said, distractedly, putting herarm up to block his path.

Matthew leaned over her shoulder and peeredinto the kitchen with interest.

“What are we looking at?” he asked.“I was just wondering if I could move the table

up against those cupboards to stop anyone gettingat them.”

Matthew shook his head in despairingamusement.

“Helena, if any of our guests were desperateenough to want to pilfer my beans, they couldmove the table, in fact it’s probably tall enough thatthey could crawl under it and open the doors. Nowshift yourself, I need to put the kettle on.”

Disgruntled, but reluctantly persuaded byMatthew’s reasonable comments, Helena steppedaside with her arms folded across her chest, thenstuck her tongue out at the back of Matthew’s headas he stood at the sink.

Late that afternoon, Martin and Karen arrivedto assist with the preparations. Matthew was glad tobe rescued by his erstwhile housemate, as his

130

current one was beginning to drive him round thebend with her fussing and fretting. Karen andHelena started filling paper plates with peanutsand crisps while Matthew and Martin sorted outthe drinks. Watching Martin and Karen smilingshyly at each other across the kitchen whenevertheir eyes met, Matthew felt a pang that wasn’tquite jealousy.

Matthew had shared Martin’s house for over ayear, he was used to having his friend around tomoan about his latest girlfriend to, or watch trashyTV with, and now here was Martin, a guest inMatthew’s house, at a party that was Matthew’salone. Well, not entirely alone, since Helena hadsplit the cost with him, but it wasn’t the same andnever would be.

“You alright there, Matthew?” asked Helena,looking up from a half-full plate of Quavers. “Youhaven’t just realised you’ve forgotten to inviteanyone, or anything?”

“Oh no, I invited plenty of people, don’t youworry,” replied Matthew, breaking into a grin andunpacking a stack of plastic cups. “And they’llprobably start arriving in about an hour, so you’dbetter go get changed or you won’t be ready intime.”

Martin laughed, Karen tutted with a smile, andHelena threw a well-aimed peanut that hit Matthew

131

on the forehead.A couple of hours later the atmosphere in the

house had changed; far too many people werecrammed into the two small rooms downstairs,there was a queue for the bathroom, and Helenawas only thankful that the carpets were too old andworn to sustain serious damage from trodden-incrisps. Matthew was in his element, jealouslyguarding his record-player in the corner of theliving-room, proudly showing his collection of 12”singles to a friend of the barmaid from Hodgsons.He had just put a New Order album on theturntable when he looked up to see Clare in themiddle of the room, talking to Martin. Matthewhad been half-convinced she wouldn’t turn up, butthere she was in a long, belted mohair jumper thatwas slipping off one of her shoulders, and fuchsiapink tights. He carefully replaced his singles in thecorrect place on the rack, and strode over to talk toher.

“Hi Clare, glad you could make it. I seeMartin’s provided you with a drink already,” hebegan, giving Martin a slight reproving look.

Clare smiled broadly, flashing her teeth briefly,and gestured expansively with her half-full plasticcup.

“It’s very…cosy, isn’t it?” she commented,glancing from the beige curtains to the thin brown

132

carpet.Matthew was unsure how to react; she

appeared to be insulting the cheap shabbiness ofhis rented home, but on the other hand Clareusing the word ‘cosy’ in relation to a room in whichshe and Matthew were spending the evening couldbe a good thing.

“You said to bring a friend…” she continued,and Matthew tore his gaze from her nakedshoulder as her companion arrived at her elbow.

In the kitchen, Helena poured Matthewanother can of lager into a cracked plastic cup, andadded a paper umbrella for good measure.

“Dan Pearson,” he muttered, chin resting onhis clenched fist as he leaned on the kitchen table.“I can’t believe she brought Dan Pearson to myparty.”

“Well don’t let it ruin the night, I can’t see themstaying long, I think she’s more or less run out ofthings to curl her nose up at.”

Matthew looked up at Helena and smiled at thesuppressed venom in her voice.

“You can stop hiding in the kitchen, Matthew:she’s gone and she’s taken the slimy sod with her,”said Martin with contempt as he entered the roomwith an empty bottle in each hand.

Matthew didn’t know whether to be glad or not,but after all, there were plenty of other attractive

133

women in the house, a fair few of whom weresingle and unlikely to look down on his lack ofinterior design as much as Clare seemed to. Hepushed himself up from the chair and grabbed hiscup.

“Back to the fray then,” he said, with a gleam inhis eye. “Here, have this.” He carefully tucked hispaper umbrella behind Helena’s ear, and boundedinto the hallway.

“Yuk,” said Helena, removing her new hair-decoration and suppressing a smile. “He could’vewiped the beer off it first.”

In the early hours of Sunday morning, wheneven Martin and Karen had left, and they’densured all the rooms were free of canoodlingcouples, Matthew and Helena sat at the kitchentable, surrounded by empty beer-cans and plasticcups.

“Dan Pearson’s bloody welcome to her; snootylittle madam,” mumbled Matthew.

“They suit each other. I thought you’d enjoyedtonight — don’t let her spoil it.”

“Yeah, you’re right, I shouldn’t,” he agreed.“And she didn’t, really,” he continued, brighteningup considerably. “I’ve got a whole host of phonenumbers.”

Helena laughed, and shook her head.“That’s our Matthew, never down for long.”

134

“What about you? I was too busy to notice whatyou were up to.”

“I bet you were. Mopping up spilled drinks andputting out more crisps, mainly. And worryingabout what might be going on in my bedroom…I’m not sure I like throwing parties,” reflectedHelena.

“Yeah, I could tell,” said Matthew, with a sleepysmile. “Next time I’ll wait until you’re away for afew days.”

Helena wasn’t sure whether to believe him ornot, but rather than worrying about it she decidedit was about time she went to bed. She slowlypushed herself up from her chair and stood,swaying gently with her hands resting on the table.

“Are you sure you can make it upstairs?”enquired Matthew.

“Yes thank you, I’m not half as drunk as youare.”

“Madam, I resent that allegation,” declaredMatthew, leaping to his feet with his hand on hisheart, and his finest dignified expression in place.“I’ll have you know I’m the very model of sobriety.”

Helena laughed, and Matthew gave anexagerated hiccup for good measure. Suddenly heswooped at her legs, swept her up and rushed fromthe room, hitting the lightswitch with his shoulderas he went.

135

“Matthew! Put me down! What are you doing?”cried Helena, her head and arms dangling downhis back as he jogged along the hallway and up thestairs.

Slightly out of breath, a grinning Matthewdeposited a still-protesting Helena on her feetoutside her bedroom door.

“Sober enough for two,” he said. “And all thatwas in a straight line,” he pointed out, wagging hisfinger in front of Helena’s shocked face foremphasis.

Before Helena could think of any suitable reply,Matthew had kissed his finger before touching herforehead with it, said goodnight and disappearedbehind the door of his own room. Bemused but notreally annoyed, Helena shrugged and went to bed.

136

Chapter 12Twelve pages turned

Helena glanced up at the reddening leaves onthe trees lining the main road as she walked towork with Matthew at her side. September wasdrawing to a close, and they had by now workedout a compromise, leaving the house early enoughto placate Helena’s fear of late-arrival, but not soearly that Matthew felt like he was getting up in themiddle of the night.

Sharing a house had precipitated a whole hostof habits over the last few months, apart fromwalking to and from work together. Helena hadsomehow found herself having an uncomfortableSunday lunch with her parents every week,occasionally alleviated by the additional presence ofMatthew, for whom Helena’s mother baked specialtreats and put on her most twinkly smile. Despitethem never having anything to say to theirdaughter, and her father largely ignoring her withhis head buried in the Sunday paper, Helena hadmet with frosty resistance on the few occasions shehad attempted to stay away from her parents on aSunday.

“You know, I’ve been in this job a whole year,137

next week,” observed Helena.“As long as that? My, doesn’t time fly. That

means I’ve been there two years, I suppose,”replied a subdued Matthew.

“I feel like I ought to be starting somethingnew.”

“Sick of it already?”“No, I don’t mean that, it’s just…” Helena

paused to work out what she did mean. “It’s thistime of year, the leaves changing colour andeverything, it’s the time of year when you move upa class and get a new teacher, you know.”

Matthew laughed. “Well, think about it,” continued Helena.

“Every year for as long as I can remember, comeSeptember I’ve started a new school year, then Istarted university and moved up through the yearsthere, new courses every year. Then last year I wasabout to start a job, and this year, for the first timeever, nothing’s happening: I don’t get a newclassroom, I don’t get to start learning new thingsfrom new people, I don’t get new routines at all. Ijust get to keep on walking to the same office everymorning from the same house, to do the same jobwith the same people. It doesn’t feel right.”

“Oh thanks a lot,” said Matthew, then “Yeah, Iknow what you mean though. I think I’ve beenfeeling a bit like that myself. Time to move on.”

138

Helena glanced at Matthew’s face, concerned bythe tone in his voice. She wondered, selfishly, if shewas going to have to move back in with her parentssoon, and hoped not.

“How do you mean, ‘move on’?” she asked,cautiously.

Matthew shrugged, and Helena felt some relief;it didn’t seem like this was the final surfacing of along thought-out plan to move to a new city, morelike the idle musings of a grey morning.

“Two years is a long time though,” Matthewexpanded. “And I can’t say this has been my dreamjob. I’ve just about finished all my exams andeverything…Maybe after Christmas I’ll startlooking for a new job, it is a new decade after all.I’ll miss Martin, though.” Matthew saw thebeginnings of a pout from the corner of his eye, butdeliberately didn’t say anything to put things right.He wasn’t intending to move house if he couldavoid it, most likely his new workplace would be nomore than a few streets from his old one.

“We’ll see if you still feel the same in the newyear,” said Helena, dismissing the subject with atight smile as they arrived outside their office-building.

The following week, Helena and Matthewaccompanied their officemates to Hodgsons afterwork on Friday as usual. It was barely half-past six

139

when Matthew drained his glass and madepreparations to leave.

“Oh yes, hot date?” asked Mark.Matthew was, for the moment, single, the

phone numbers from the house-warming partyhaving amounted to little more than a handful ofscattered dates that had fizzled out by midsummer.

“No. I’m taking Helena out for dinner,” repliedMatthew with a cheeky smile in her direction.

“Oh are you now?” she said, still perched on abar-stool, unaware that Matthew was serious.

“Yes I am; I booked a table at an Italianrestaurant this lunchtime,” Matthew informed herwith some satisfaction.

Realising that he wasn’t just winding her up,Helena took a great gulp of white wine and beganto button her suit jacket up.

“Haven’t you both had your birthdays thisyear?” asked a puzzled Henry, wondering if he’dmissed another office romance, having thoughtMartin and Karen were ancient history until theirsudden engagement.

“Are you implying I’m so tight I can’t treat afriend to dinner unless it’s her birthday? Henry,I’m hurt,” deadpanned Matthew. “Anyway, it’s tocelebrate her surviving a full year in our office withno visible signs of damage.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure of that; she’s voluntarily140

sharing a house with you,” chipped in Mark.“Martin and Karen were going to come too,”

explained Matthew to Helena, choosing to ignoreMark’s comment. “Only he had to go straight homebecause Karen’s not been well today.”

Karen had, in fact, stayed in bed crying thatmorning, so Martin had confided to Matthew whenhe arrived at work; she’d been convinced forseveral days that she was pregnant, and when ithad become apparent that she was not, thedisappointment had been too much for her. Notthat they were actively trying, Martin had assuredMatthew with panic in his eyes, but Matthew hadan idea it was only himself that Martin was trying toconvince.

“Well I suppose I’ll just have to make do withyour company, won’t I?” said Helena, shoulderingher handbag and trying to suppress the excitedsmile that had surfaced at the prospect of beingtaken out for dinner unexpectedly, even if it wasonly by Matthew.

“Less of that, or you’ll buy your own dessert,”he cautioned, leading the way through the throngto the outside door.

Helena only thumped him gently in the back inreply; they had been friends for a year, after all,and if truth be told, that was what this dinner wascelebrating.

141

They were waiting for the coffee to arrive at theend of their meal when Matthew brought up thesubject of changing jobs. This time he did reassureHelena that he wasn’t about to move out, at leastthat was his plan so far.

“I mean, everyone needs accountants, don’tthey? Within reason.”

“You could set up by yourself, that’d be aradical change of direction,” suggested Helena.

“No, I’m too lazy for that, I wouldn’t have theself-discipline to keep my own books in order. It’dbe lonely, as well. No-one to mess about with.” Hegrinned at Helena across the table, rememberingthe times he’d had her in fits of giggles over thepast year, and earned them both a sharp word fromconscientious Henry.

“Are you just thinking about changing firmsthen?”

“Not if I can help it; I don’t think I like the ideaof being paid a smallish amount of money to helppeople who make very large amounts of money tomake more, and pay less tax. Do you?”

Helena shrugged, never having given thematter much thought; she enjoyed her job, she didwhat she was employed to do, the firm gave hermoney for it, she had a comfortable life. Whywould she question that?

“I was thinking about trying to work for a142

charity or a hospital or something, somewhere Ican work with a clear conscience and not worryabout whose rich pockets I’m helping to line,”continued Matthew. “But I haven’t really lookedinto it yet. I’ll have to see what I can find afterChristmas.”

Helena smiled encouragingly at him, butwondered if he’d considered the financialimplications such a move might have. She was surethat once he realised his salary was more likely todecrease than increase, he’d change his mind; if hestill wanted a change he could always apply for apromotion. She said nothing, however, thinking itwould be better to let him find out for himself;trying to turn him against it might only make himmore determined to make an unwise move.

143

Chapter 13Another day, another decade

The nineteen-eighties ended with no greatbang, the world continued to turn and Helena’s lifecontinued very much as before. She went to araucous New Year’s Eve party in the company ofMatthew, Martin and Karen, and was kindly seenhome by Martin and Karen when Matthew leftearly with a striking woman named Carmen whoturned out to be a fledgling model. She also turnedout to be the sister of one of Matthew’s old flames,which made things awkward, and the relationshipdisintegrated in a matter of days.

Although he hadn’t spoken about it to Helenain the meantime, Matthew hadn’t forgotten theplans he’d sketched out in the autumn. When sheasked him, in the early days of the new year, if he’dmade any resolutions, the only one he mentionedwas ‘find a new job’. Helena was surprised that hewas still determined, assuming from theintervening silence on the subject that it had been apassing whim or a temporary dissatisfaction withhis current job, and that things had settled downagain. Since he did seem to be serious, however,she felt she should try and help in some way.

144

“Have you actually started looking for a newjob?” she asked as they slumped on beanbags infront of the fire one evening.

“Well…I’ve had a bit of a skim through thepapers this week; it all seems to be either more ofthe same, or in London.”

“Do you think you might end up moving toLondon then?” asked Helena, hoping the answerwas no.

“God, no! I couldn’t live in London,” repliedMatthew, much to Helena’s relief. “Great for gigsand cinemas and all that, but it’s not really my kindof place. It’s probably just the wrong time of year tolook, I’ll keep an eye out for something interestingthat’s more local.”

Three weeks later, Matthew was still having noluck finding local jobs that weren’t ‘more of thesame’. It was Sunday afternoon, and he’d beenthumbing through a selection of the week’snewspapers while Helena had been at her parents’for lunch. She returned damp and shivering,muffled in her overcoat, and stamped straightthrough the house to put the kettle on.

“Aren’t you even going to take your coat off?”asked Matthew, looking up from the paper spreadout on the kitchen table.

“Not until I’ve thawed a bit. What’re you upto?” She lifted her mouth above her thickly

145

bunched scarf to speak, then nestled her face backinto it, warming her frozen nose.

“Oh, just looking for jobs,” he sighed, shiftinground on his seat and drawing his legs up to hughis knees for warmth and comfort.

Helena nodded, not wanting to uncover herface again until she had a mug of hot tea at theready.

“You look like you’ve had a great time; did Imiss a treat?” asked Matthew, dryly.

Helena gave him a withering look thenwrenched her scarf from her neck and threw itover the back of a chair.

“I wish you had been there, my mum loves you,she wouldn’t have taken any notice of me if youwere around.”

Matthew grinned.“Honestly, I’ve had everything this afternoon:

are we keeping warm enough? The house didn’tseem very warm last time she was here. Are weeating properly? It’s very cold, we need to makesure we’re eating lots of stodge. Am I sure I’m notsleeping with you? Well isn’t it about time I got aproper boyfriend before people start talking…”Helena sloshed milk at her tea and drenched theoutside of the mug and the worktop. She moppedat it furiously with kitchen roll as she spoke. “I’mglad you find it so amusing, Matthew. Next week I

146

think I’ll just send you along on my behalf.”Matthew stopped laughing but his delighted

smile remained as Helena threw her overcoat ontop of her scarf and flopped into the chair oppositehim.

“Doesn’t it make you feel like you’re doing yourbit for the elderly? All those old women having ajuicy topic like that to gossip about? No? WellMartin and I could always set you up on a blinddate with someone.”

Helena wasn’t sure she trusted their assessmentof a suitable date, so she tried to change thesubject.

“All these jobs you’ve been looking at, whatkind of things are they?”

“Mainly charities, but like I said they all seem tobe based in London.”

“Is that what you want to do, charity stuff?”“Not necessarily, but that’s the only thing I’ve

seen advertised that wasn’t more or less what I’mdoing now, but in a different building.”

“Can’t you try sending some speculativeapplications? You know, pick a company and sendthem your CV on the off-chance.”

Matthew explained that he’d been looking atthe job adverts to see what was available, notknowing quite what accountants could do if theirconscience was pricking them too insistently for

147

them to stay in a big firm like the one they bothworked for.

“What about the university careers service?”asked Helena.

“I don’t think you can just drop by and askthem questions; I think you have to be a student.”

“No, I mean the university you went to. As faras I can remember, I can go use the careers libraryfor five years after I’ve graduated. Maybe yours hasthe same kind of thing.”

Matthew had no idea whether it did or not, buthe conceded that it might be a good idea to findout.

The following day, Matthew found a phoneboxat lunchtime and rang his university’s careersservice. He discovered that he could indeed usetheir facilities as a graduate, and booked aninterview with an advisor for later that month,booking the day off work when he returned for theafternoon. Helena was impressed at how seriouslyhe was going about his change of direction, andwondered how unhappy he was in his currentposition. She couldn’t believe that it was a matter ofconscience, and could only conclude that two yearsin the firm had led to boredom and restlessness,and perhaps after a spell in a different job with alower salary he’d return to his original career-path.

Before the advisory interview, Matthew148

prepared a series of questions he wanted to ask anda list of things he’d like to try and find out in thecareers library. He was becoming quite excited atthe prospect of returning to his university, partlyfrom a chance to miss work for a day, revisit oldhaunts and get a change of scenery, but also fromthe idea of moving away from a job he no longerenjoyed. He’d made two very good friends at work,and the rest of the lads in the office weren’t bad,but all in all it was just so much corporate bullshitand he couldn’t care less.

“I’m beginning to wish I was coming with you,”commented Helena as Matthew made himself somesandwiches for the journey, the night before hisdaytrip. “Some of us have to go to work tomorrow.”

“Well Martin’ll be there to share your pain,don’t worry.”

Helena jumped as a loud knocking came at thefront door.

“Are we expecting anyone?” she asked as shewent to answer it. “Martin, we were just talkingabout you. Come in, you look frozen.”

She returned to the kitchen, Martin trailingbehind her looking distracted, clutching apaperback novel. His gloveless fingers were brightpink. Matthew quickly wrapped his sandwiches intinfoil and stowed them in the fridge beforeturning his full attention to their guest.

149

“I’ve come to return your book,” said Martin,holding out the paperback to a bemused Matthew.

“It wasn’t urgent, mate. You could’ve given itme back when I came back to work. Did you enjoyit?”

“Er…Yes. Yes, I think so.”“Are you alright, Martin? Sit down.” Helena

pulled a chair out from the table and glanced atMatthew, who was also looking at their friend withconcern.

“Yes, I’m fine,” said Martin, sounding slightlymore together. “It’s tomorrow you’re going off toyour careers bloke, isn’t it?”

Matthew sat down at the table with him, andbegan to tell Martin what he was hoping to achievethe next day. Helena carried three mugs of tea overto the table, and joined them.

“I was just saying how envious I am; I wish Icould have a daytrip instead of…” She trailed off,realising Martin was paying no attention, simplystaring into his swirling tea. She was about to askhim what was wrong when he shocked them both.

“Karen’s pregnant.”“Are you sure?” asked Matthew, recovering

after a brief moment of amazement, andremembering the last time.

Martin nodded slowly, the practical reality ofhaving children having hit him that evening as it

150

hadn't during the earlier false alarm. Helena, whounlike Matthew had had no warning, was stunnedand speechless; she didn’t know anyone of a similarage to herself who had children. It made her feelfrighteningly old and pleasingly grown-up at thesame time.

“Aren’t you pleased?” she asked Martin at last.“A dad at twenty-five; it’s a bit of an eye-opener,

I’ll give you that. I’ll let you know if I’m pleasedwhen I find reality again.”

He did look dazed, and Helena gathered it hadbeen something of a surprise. She could imaginethat sudden parenthood at such a young age mightfeel stifling, but somehow she felt cheated of theunbridled joy she thought should go with such anannouncement from a close friend.

“What about Karen? Is she happy about it?” sheasked.

Martin shrugged and said he didn’t know, ashe’d escaped as soon as was decently possible aftershe’d told him the news. Expressing the thoughtthat anytime on the same evening was too soon fordecency, Helena flounced into the hallway tophone Karen, who did indeed burst with joy. Theedge was rather taken off it for Helena, however,since throughout the conversation she could hearMatthew commiserating with Martin over the endof his youth.

151

Chapter 14Two departures

Matthew’s talk with the careers advisor openedhim up to the possibilities of working in localgovernment, and he began a serious jobhunt inthat direction. Martin soon joined him in thesearch, but in the opposite direction: impendingfatherhood was spurring him on to try and increasehis salary, which almost certainly meant movingfirms if he wanted it to happen within a fewmonths. Helena began to cultivate other, lesssatisfying, friendships at work; shallow chattyrelations with some of the secretaries, and anoccasional lunch with Henry. She drew the line atDan Pearson.

“There’s a letter for…No need to snatch,”scolded Helena as Matthew grabbed the envelopeshe’d picked up from the mat when they arrivedhome from work one wet evening in late March.

“Ha! I got an interview,” announced Matthew,scanning the letter from the local city council.

“Really? That’s good. Tea?”Matthew assented distractedly, re-reading the

letter more carefully, standing in the hallway withrain dripping from the hem of his coat and

152

forming a small pool around his feet. Helena felttorn between being excited that Matthew had gotthe interview he’d been hoping for, and beingupset at the prospect of losing her closest ally atwork. Martin had also been firing off applicationsin the previous couple of weeks, but hadn’t beenoffered any interviews as yet. Helena didn’t relishthe prospect of work without them, but she had afairly easygoing relationship with the rest of herofficemates and she expected she’d cope.

“Next Tuesday,” announced Matthew, beamingas he strode into the kitchen.

Helena put the lid on the teapot and smiled ather friend.

“Fingers crossed,” she said.“Listen, don’t tell Martin just yet, will you? I

mean, I don’t like keeping things from him, but Iknow he’s desperate for a new job and he’s nothaving much luck so far. I wouldn’t want to feel likeI was rubbing it in.”

Helena nodded, and wondered if it was holdingback such little snippets of information that startedthe disintegration of long-standing friendships.

Matthew duly attended the interview and likedwhat he saw. Four months into the new year hekept his resolution and handed his notice in,having accepted the job at the council. BeforeMatthew’s period of notice had run out, Martin

153

had also begun to be offered interviews, whichmade Matthew feel better but made Helena feellike everything was happening far too quickly.

The last Friday in April was Matthew’s final dayat work, and of course the usual trip to Hodgsonsensued. As well as their officemates, however,various secretaries and other female colleagues thatMatthew had chatted up over the last couple ofyears joined them to say goodbye. Matthew feltlight-hearted and full of excitement, and evenMartin was fairly bright, having had what heconsidered to be a successful interview earlier inthe week. Karen had accompanied him to the wine-bar for the first Friday in a few weeks, and Henrytook the opportunity to politely offer her a drink.

“I’ll just have an orange juice, thanks,” repliedKaren.

“Oh surely not,” protested Henry. “You can’tmark Matthew’s departure with orange juice; havea glass of wine.”

“No, I’d rather not, I’m pregnant,” explainedKaren, bashfully, tucking a loose strand of hairbehind her ear.

Henry paused briefly, stunned, then clappedMartin on the back.

“Congratulations, both of you!” exclaimedHenry.

Martin hadn’t been paying attention, but soon154

gathered that the news of his forthcoming changeof status was out, and smiled gamely with his armround the shyly glowing Karen while toasts weredrunk, and Matthew’s leaving-do turned into afreeform celebration also incorporating Helena’s23rd birthday which was three days away.

Matthew suggested going out for a meal, butMartin was acutely aware of Value For Money thesedays, and resolved to go home and cook somethingfor himself and Karen. Helena didn’t want theresponsibility of a tipsy, giddy Matthew in arestaurant by herself, so she and Matthew called ata Chinese takeaway on their way home.

“Urh…red peppers. Do you want them?” askedMatthew, peeling the lid off his foil carton.

“OK, I’ll swop you for some mushrooms.”“You don’t like mushrooms?”“Hmm, well I’ll eat them, but not in large

quantities. Have a plate.”They sat down at either side of the kitchen

table, silent and absorbed in their own thoughts.For a few minutes there was only the slap ofnoodles on crockery, and the crunch of waterchestnuts.

“It’s going to be weird, you know, workingsomewhere else,” mused Matthew at last.

“I suppose so; all the new people to meet, andthe new routines…They’re bound to do everything

155

differently. And you won’t be able to work thephotocopier.”

“Which is where friendly secretaries come in,”pointed out Matthew, with a grin. Helena laughed.

“I might’ve known you were already thinkingof it in terms of new conquests; uncharted territory,I suppose. I won’t call it virgin soil.”

“Helena! I’m shocked,” he laughed. “AnywayI’m not entirely thinking about it like that, but itkeeps me going.”

“You’re not having second thoughts, are you?”“Well, the work can’t be any more boring than

before.”“If you hate it so much, why do you do it?”

asked Helena, laughing but surprised at hisattitude.

“Money, dear girl. I need to do something, andsince I obviously wasn’t destined to be a big-shotrecord-producer, accountancy seemed the obviouschoice.”

He said it with a straight face, but Helena knewhow drunk he was. She assumed he was evadingthe question with a flippant remark, but you nevercould tell with Matthew.

“What are you planning for your birthday?”asked Matthew, a couple of minutes later.

“I suppose my mum’ll want me to go home fora birthday tea.” She wrinkled her nose up at the

156

thought. “You could come too,” she suggested,eagerly, hoping Matthew would bear the brunt ofher mother’s maternal fussings for the evening.

“Yeah, OK. Not doing anything from work?”“I sort of had all that today, really: it turned

into a general celebration in the end, didn’t it? Thethought of you leaving must just have got everyoneso excited.”

Matthew stuck his tongue out and threw ascrewed-up piece of kitchen paper at her.

“I was going to suggest you could meet me forlunch in the park, and I could tell you how it wasgoing so far, but I’m not sure I want to, now.”

Monday lunchtime saw Martin and Helenaeagerly awaiting Matthew on a park bench.

“Go on then: how was it?” asked Helena asMatthew sat down.

“Oh dear, where to begin?” sighed Matthew,but with a smile. “Everyone else in my departmentseems to be at least fifteen years older than me. Allthe secretaries are plump and middle-aged, andthey’ve been fighting over who gets to mother meand give me biscuits, this morning.”

“Well that’s not so bad. Is it?” asked Helena.Matthew shrugged. “Anyway Martin’s got somegood news.”

“It’s twins,” suggested Matthew with a grin.“Don’t even joke,” warned Martin. “I got that

157

job, you know, the interview I had last week.”“Great, well done mate. Hang on, wasn’t that

one in York?”Martin nodded.“Yeah, it’s finally happened: I’m becoming a

commuter.”

158

Chapter 15Two arrivals

“Uh,” grunted Matthew, slumped in a beanbag,reading a letter one Saturday morning in June.“My mum wants me to go visit.”

“You don’t sound very happy about it,”commented Helena, not looking up from paintingher toenails.

“Mmm. You don’t fancy a holiday in Spain, doyou?”

“What, go in disguise, pretend I’m you?”laughed Helena.

“Go with me, take some of the heat off; I do itfor you, regularly.”

“Going on a twenty-minute bus-ride to have teawith my parents is one thing. Flying to Spain tostay with your parents is entirely different. Youknow my mum’d have a fit if I went on holidaywith you.”

“All the more reason to do it, surely?” grinnedMatthew. “Anyway, she couldn’t think you weregetting up to anything if you were staying in mymum and dad’s house.”

“Oh, she’d think of some way to object to it.”They fell into a comfortable silence for a while,

159

Matthew watching the faintly hypnotic movementof the nail varnish brush as it dipped and stroked,and thinking about his parents.

“When was the last time you went on holiday,anyway?” he asked as Helena screwed the lid onthe bottle and leaned back into the sofa cushions,wiggling her toes.

“On holiday, or abroad?”“Abroad. The Lake District doesn’t count.”“It wasn’t the Lake District, it was Norfolk,

actually,” Helena corrected him. “Er…four yearsago, I think. I went to Spain as it happens, with acouple of friends. I got a bit sunburnt and myphotos didn’t come out properly.”

“Ah, so you’d relish the chance to go again andtake better pictures?”

“Matthew, you are insufferable sometimes! Ican’t just go stay with your parents, it’s rude, Ihaven’t been invited.”

“I’m inviting you. Anyway, my mum says, and Iquote…” He paused to find the relevant passage inthe letter, smoothing out the thin airmail sheetsand clearing his throat theatrically. “I know it’s notmuch fun visiting the old folks, but you knowyou’re quite welcome to bring a friend, or yourgirlfriend if you’ve got one at the moment (I won’task), as we have plenty of room in the villa and arealways glad of the company.”

160

Matthew looked up at Helena with triumph,and she felt she was beaten.

“I’ll think about it, OK? Maybe I could do witha break and some sunshine. It depends how muchthe flight costs.”

The first Saturday in September saw Helenaand Matthew on a flight bound for southern Spain.Matthew had been quieter than usual during thepreceding week, but Helena had barely noticed asshe excitedly packed shorts and sunscreen into herunder-used suitcase. Matthew’s parents had beenpleased to hear that Helena was accompanying himon the visit, having heard a lot about her inMatthew’s occasional letters. Helena was vaguelycurious about Matthew’s parents, but was reallygoing along for a holiday and moral support.

The week passed pleasantly enough, at least forHelena, and she was sad to leave the relaxingsunshine and return to autumnal England. Derekand Jean, as Matthew’s parents had insisted shecalled them rather than Mr and Mrs Armitage, hadfussed over her in lieu of Matthew, who seemed tohold himself apart from them. Helena couldn’t seewhy he’d been so reluctant to go, since his parentsseemed so nice and their villa was most inviting,with a small swimming pool and roof-garden. Shedidn’t pursue the matter, however, reasoning thatoutsiders never saw your own parents the same way

161

you saw them yourself, and Matthew didn’t offerany explanation.

Matthew spent the week busying around,showing Helena the surrounding countryside. Shehadn’t realised that Matthew could drive, but hisparents lent them the smaller of their two cars andMatthew obligingly drove her through towns andvillages, past ruins and down to the coast. Matthewdidn’t mind, it kept him out of his parents’ waymost of the time, and he found it quite enjoyablewatching Helena’s face light up as they rounded abend and she caught sight of some impressivelandscape or monument. Her bikini also went someway toward making up for the times she preferredto stay at the villa and sunbathe by the pool,though much to Matthew’s disappointment shenever asked him for assistance with the sun-cream.

They returned home refreshed, Matthew withfond memories of pushing Helena in the pool fully-clothed, Helena with a striking tan which shewatched gradually fade as the month wore on. AsSeptember drew to a close once more, Helenawasn’t as restless as she’d felt the previous year,having settled down further into the world of work.Matthew seemed to be enjoying his new job despitethe lack of colleagues his own age, whereas Martinseemed to be more stressed every time Matthew orHelena saw him. Part of that was the higher-

162

salaried job with greater responsibility, and thedaily commute by train, but of course the birth ofhis first child was looming ever closer on thehorizon. Karen, always a solidly-built woman, wasnow lumbering and breathless, longing for herpregnancy to be over, though as Matthew hadpointed out, no doubt she’d change her mind whenconfronted by the first dirty nappy.

“Any news on Karen?” asked Matthew,throwing his satchel onto the sofa as he arrivedhome one evening.

“No sign of it yet. Martin reckons it’ll be thisweekend, I don’t know why. You look cheerful; oneof your mother-hens baked you a cake orsomething?” asked Helena, finally looking up fromher magazine.

Matthew grinned and turned back to the door.“You’re only jealous,” he said as he left the

living-room to make some tea.Helena uncurled herself from the sofa and

followed him into the kitchen, intrigued.“Go on then,” she prompted, leaning against

the worktop with her arms crossed.“Go on then what?” asked Matthew.“Oh well, be like that, see if I care.”“Her name’s Louise; she works in another

department. She just happened to breeze throughour office this afternoon.”

163

“And you immediately overwhelmed her withyour charisma, did you?”

“Not as such. More sort of failed to register onher radar. It’s what you might call a healthychallenge.”

Helena laughed, and Matthew pretended to bedeeply hurt.

“Your lack of faith is frankly upsetting,” he said.“You just wait, I’ll have her eating out of my handby the end of the week.”

Matthew’s prediction wasn’t strictly accurate,but by the end of the week Louise at least knewwho he was. He’d been hoping to persuade her togo out for a drink over the weekend, but being arecent graduate who’d only just started working atthe council, Louise was still in the determinedlyconscientious phase and didn’t like chatting atwork. Instead, Matthew’s weekend was mostlytaken up with anxious waiting for further news ofKaren, culminating on Sunday afternoon with thephonecall announcing that George Matthew hadbeen born at last. Matthew daren’t ask if the baby’smiddle name was in his honour, in case Martin saidit wasn’t; he allowed himself a small burst of pride,however, just in case.

164

Chapter 16The other woman

Persistence served Matthew well, and by mid-October Louise had been on a couple of dates withhim and hadn’t seemed to object to his musicaltastes or lack of seriousness. Helena had certainlynoticed the additional spring in Matthew’s step, buthadn’t met Louise yet so couldn’t comment onwhether or not it was justified. All Helena knew wasthat Matthew had brought her tea in bed on acouple of mornings, and he kept whistling DepecheMode songs loudly in the bathroom.

Helena finally got the opportunity to meetLouise one Wednesday evening after work. Thehall light was on when Helena opened the frontdoor, and Matthew’s coat was hanging on its usualhook. She called out as she took her coat and shoesoff:

“I finally remembered to pick my photos up.Any chance of some tea and we can have alaugh…”

She tailed off as she reached the kitchendoorway and realised Matthew wasn’t alone. Hewaved a teabag in her direction before dropping itinto the teapot and she nodded in

165

acknowledgement before turning and smiling atthe slim, blonde girl at the table. Helena thought ofher as a girl, but she was only 2 years younger thanHelena; her tightly-scraped ponytail and whiteblouse gave her the air of a teenager in schooluniform.

“Ah yes, Helena, this is Louise,” said Matthew,leaving the tea to stand. “Louise, my housemateHelena.”

Louise said hello with a smile that didn’t reachher eyes, and Helena sat opposite her in awkwardsilence.

“Let’s have a look at these then,” said Matthew,eagerly, picking up the photo envelope Helena hadplaced on the table.

“Oh no, Matthew, not now; Louise won’t findthem very interesting,” protested Helena.

“Really, I don’t mind. Go ahead,” said Louise.Helena noticed Louise’s vowel sounds were

very upper class, and suddenly felt conscious of herupbringing; she felt out of place in her ownkitchen, and wished she’d noticed Louise’s coat inthe hallway and discreetly withdrawn to her ownroom.

Matthew extracted the pile of photographs andplaced them in the centre of the table like a pack ofcards, turning each one face-down on a second pileas they went through. The first few were of Helena

166

in shorts and T-shirt at various locations which shesupplied the names of for Louise’s benefit. Louisesmiled politely until a photograph of Matthew atthe poolside in swimming-trunks appeared at thetop of the stack, at which point her face froze.

“You were in Spain together?” she asked.“Visiting Matthew’s parents,” explained

Helena. “He wanted moral support; I don’t knowwhy, they seemed lovely.”

“You only spent a week with them. My mumfussed over you just as much as your mum fussesover me, and you always say how untypical that is.”

Louise watched them both silently as theybickered good-naturedly then returned to theholiday snaps.

“Oh, Matthew took that one,” grumbledHelena, as Matthew began to laugh.

Louise looked at the photo of a sodden andbedraggled Helena clambering over the side of theswimming pool in a thin shirt and short culottes,and flared her nostrils with distaste.

A short while later, Helena excused herself andwent to her room to listen to the radio. Theconversation had been strained once thephotographs were finished with, though Matthewseemed not to notice, and she had been desperateto get away. Left with Louise in the kitchen,Matthew observed that she didn’t seem to be

167

enjoying herself.“Well honestly, it’s like having tea with The

Other Woman,” she complained.“The other woman? Helena and I have never

been…”“Yes I know but you’re close, aren’t you? You

went on holiday together.”“We’re friends, we live in the same house. You

can’t really help being close in a situation like that.Can’t you just think of her as my sister orsomething?”

“You obviously don’t,” said Louise,remembering the shirt in the photograph, almosttransparent from its soaking.

Matthew laughed and shook his head, but theevening was marred and Louise went home to eatwith her parents, leaving Helena to share the mealMatthew had already half-prepared.

Matthew began to spend more of his free timewith Louise, but was careful to keep her out ofHelena’s way to avoid conflict. Helena had feltuncomfortable around Louise, but she’d put itdown to class-difference, Louise being snooty orHelena herself being oversensitive. She feltneglected now that Matthew spent so manyevenings out of the house, she was used to himbeing around. George provided a good excuse tospend some time at Martin and Karen’s, but while

168

Helena was fond of babies, listening to Georgecrying and trying to carry on a conversation withKaren as she unbuttoned her blouse and fed herson were not high on Helena’s list of preferredpastimes.

It became increasingly apparent to Matthewthat he might want his relationship with Louise tobecome something lasting; he could try and keepher and Helena apart for a few weeks, but it mightbe tricky keeping that up for a few months.Besides, he missed Helena’s company and wasaware that as her best friend he shouldn’t besidelining her the way he had been lately. Hesuggested the three of them go to a bonfire nightfirework display together, but Louise was disdainfulof fireworks and Helena was wary of Louise. Onthe Friday of that week, however, Matthewdeliberately brought Louise back for a Chinesetakeaway when he knew Helena would be in.

“Anything good?” asked Matthew, peeringround the living-room door where Helena wascurled on the sofa, watching TV with the lights off.

“Not really,” she replied, sitting up anddiscarding the various cushions that had beenwedged around her. “You’re back early.”

“Brought you a takeaway. Louise is in thekitchen getting plates.” He watched Helena start tosmile, then droop again as she realised what he’d

169

said. “Come on, I got you chow mein,” he said,taking her hands and pulling her up off the sofa.

“Have you…Oh.” Louise stopped abruptly inthe doorway as she saw Matthew holding Helena byboth hands, and returned to the kitchen withoutanother word.

“This is going to be a barrel of laughs,”muttered Helena, following Matthew out of theroom.

The three of them sat round the kitchen table;the radio softened the heavy silence thoughMatthew was trying his best.

“So what were you watching?” he asked Helenaas he speared a mushroom from her plate with hisfork.

“Oh, just trash. I was getting round to going inthe bath.”

“Matthew, don’t do that,” said Louise sharply,as Matthew reached his fork towards Helena’s plateagain.

“Don’t do what?”“Steal food from someone else’s plate,” said

Louise.“It’s not stealing, she doesn’t like mushrooms,

do you Helena?”Helena shook her head, her mouth full.“That’s not the point,” persisted Louise. “It’s

impolite.”170

Helena and Matthew exchanged glances, thenHelena carefully picked all the mushrooms out ofher chow mein, piled them up and scraped themonto Matthew’s plate. He quickly stifled his grinwhen he saw the thunderous look on Louise’s face,but Helena felt like a small victory had beenachieved.

171

Chapter 17Family Christmas

Matthew continued to see Louise; she andHelena were coldly civil to each other when theymet over breakfast or had to share a sofa. Matthewwasn’t happy about it, but there was little he coulddo to rectify the situation, except perhaps stopseeing one of them. While Helena would neverhave dreamt of trying to persuade Matthew to seeless of Louise, Louise had no qualms about tryingto persuade Matthew to find another person toshare a house with, preferably someone who wasn’tfemale, single, and attractive. Matthew failed toconvince Louise that Helena was his best friendand thus the person most suited to sharing hisspace, and yet their relationship was purelyplatonic.

Shortly before Christmas, Martin and Karenthrew a small party to which Helena, Matthew andLouise were invited. Louise spent the eveningnetworking; she saw social gatherings of that sort asan opportunity to meet useful people, and it tookher mind off the disturbing baby-paraphernaliastrewn around the house, and George’s gurgling ashe was passed around his parents’ friends. Martin

172

made a point of introducing Helena to his friendDean, an accountant at the same firm as Martin inYork. Dean was pleasant, amusing and remindedHelena strongly of Matthew, which was perhapswhy she spent more time speaking to Dean’scolleague Gavin, slicker, flashier, and only invitedfrom a sense of duty on Martin’s part. Martin sawGavin as another Dan Pearson, but Helena wascharmed and flattered, though she took some of hisclaims to greatness with a pinch of salt.

“What did you think of Dean, then?” askedMatthew as he and Helena sat in their living-roomtogether with a cup of tea late that night.

Matthew had been told about Martin’s vaguematchmaking plan, and had got on well with Deanhimself. Louise had gone home to bed, whichMatthew was quite pleased about, as it meant hegot to dissect the party with Helena, something thatLouise wouldn’t have done.

“Mm, yeah, he was nice. Funny.”“Who was the other guy you were talking to?”“Gavin? He works with Martin, too.”“Oh I’ve heard about him. Bit of a Dan Pearson

by the sounds of it,” said Matthew, dismissively.“Really? I didn’t think so. He was a bit full of

himself, but most people are at parties. He seemedOK.” She couldn’t suppress the smile, and Matthewpounced.

173

“You haven’t gone and got a date with Gavinhave you?” he asked, appalled.

“Not that it’s any business of yours, yes I have.I’m meeting him in York next week.”

“So you have to do all the travelling,” snortedMatthew.

“So I get to go somewhere nice. York’s lovely, Ihaven’t been for years.”

“I can’t believe you’re going on a date withGavin.”

“Oh Matthew, shut up now, you’re just trying tospoil it,” she complained, but she was touched thathe seemed so concerned.

To Matthew’s dismay, but Louise’s unconcealeddelight, Helena and Gavin seemed to hit it off, andfurther dates were arranged. Louise no longer sawHelena as quite so direct a rival, and though theywould never be friends, Louise’s manner towardsHelena thawed slightly. Martin and Karen weren’tattending any other Christmas gatherings that year,being too concerned with making George’s firstChristmas as perfect and family-filled as possible.Matthew protested that George was far too youngto notice, but Karen thought the photos would bewonderful for George to look back on. With neitherMatthew nor Helena getting along with eachother’s current companion, they didn’t goanywhere together if they could help it, so Matthew

174

was looking forward to Christmas itself.Since Matthew accompanied Helena on her

trips home so often, and got along with her parentsso well, there had somehow been an unspokenacceptance that Matthew would be spendingChristmas with Helena’s family. Because they reliedon public transport to get there, Helena andMatthew were staying from Christmas Eve toBoxing Day; Mrs Robertshaw had clearly, ifunnecessarily, stipulated that Matthew would haveto sleep on the sofa, there being only twobedrooms. She still wasn’t entirely sure sheapproved of Matthew and Helena sharing a house.

Louise, firmly on Mrs Robertshaw’s side in thematter despite her recent warming to Helena, hadbeen furious when she found out Matthew wasspending Christmas with Helena and her family. Asshe hadn’t invited Matthew to join in her ownfamily Christmas, however, she remained silent onthe matter, simply changing the subject when itarose. Matthew thought nothing of it, havingalmost come to think of Helena’s parents as part ofhis own family.

As expected, Helena’s mum made mountains ofmince pies and extra special treats for Matthew,and fussed over him shockingly. Helena couldhardly complain, having been given the sametreatment by Matthew’s parents on her trip to

175

Spain in the summer. The festive period seemed tobe over too quickly, though, and it felt like no timehad passed when Helena and Matthew returned totheir house on Boxing Day, laden with presentsand left-over turkey.

Later that day they called on Martin andKaren. Matthew always felt strange going into whathad been his house; this time it was almostunrecognisable, buried under piles of toys thatGeorge had received for Christmas. Helena addedto the excessive mounds by giving George a cuddlybrown rabbit; Matthew had announced hisintention of holding back on gifts until Georgecould reasonably be expected to appreciate them,whenever that might be.

They were perched among cardboard boxesand soft toys in the living room when Martin saidhe was putting the house up for sale in January.Already getting sick of the commute, and eager tospend as little time travelling and as much timewith Karen and George as possible, Martin haddecided that moving closer to work was the onlyanswer.

“But York’s miles away,” protested Matthew.“How am I supposed to come over and see you?”

“It’s not that far, Matthew, you can get thetrain,” countered Martin.

Matthew was about to complain that if Martin176

moved to York, they’d no longer see each other asoften, then he realised that since they’d both gotnew jobs, and particularly since George was born,they’d hardly seen each other at all.

“I suppose it can’t be that difficult, Helenamanaged OK,” he said instead.

Helena continued to travel to York onSaturdays well into the New Year; she insisted thatit lent a sense of adventure to an otherwise fairlydull date. Matthew didn’t see why she carried onseeing Gavin if he wasn’t exciting enough withoutthe added attraction of a walled medieval city.Helena had gradually admitted to herself thatconstant conversations about Gavin’s careerprospects, Gavin’s current car, Gavin’s intendedfuture car, and Gavin’s new flat had not been whatshe’d envisaged when she started dating him, butwith Matthew’s time still taken up with Louise,Helena didn’t fancy being single again for a while.It was just a pity that she couldn’t have foundsomeone better than Gavin to hook up with.

177

Chapter 18Some things change, more stay thesame

Despite Louise stepping up her campaign toseparate Matthew’s lodgings from Helena’s justbefore the lease was due for renewal in March,Matthew stayed where he was. He had brieflyconsidered buying Martin’s house when it went onthe market, and moving back there, taking Helenawith him. Living there without Martin wouldn’thave been the same, though, and would probablyhave felt even stranger for Helena. He also didn’tfeel ready to tackle DIY just yet, and in the endstaying put with a landlord who was reasonablyresponsive when repairs were necessary seemedlike the best course of action.

Louise was still living at home with her parents,with every indication of staying there for as long aspossible. She had originally intended to move toLondon after her law degree, to do herprofessional exams and work for a big firm ofsolicitors, but it hadn’t looked like she’d get thegrades she needed in her final exams so she’d hadto change all her plans. As it happened she had got

178

the necessary grades, but by then it had been toolate to apply, and she’d spent the summer on workplacements with solicitors before starting the jobwith the local council. Living at home a whilelonger allowed her to save as much as possible, soshe could eventually fulfil her dream, complete herlegal education and move to London.

Helena’s involvement with Gavin bit the dustbefore Easter; it seemed like it had lasted for awhile, but since they’d seen each other only once aweek at most, the actual amount of time they’dspent in each other’s company didn’t amount tomuch. Although Helena hadn’t been particularlyenjoying the affair, it was Gavin who broke it off,over the phone one evening when Helena rang tomake plans for the coming weekend. Matthew wasat the cinema with Louise when it happened, andHelena spent two miserable hours alone, curled onthe sofa watching the news and a politicaldiscussion on TV, working her way through apacket of rich tea biscuits.

“God that was a crap film,” announcedMatthew as he burst into the room and flunghimself onto a beanbag. “Remind me never to letLouise pick…What’s up?”

Helena shrugged, her mouth full.“All over with Gavin, I take it?” Matthew got up

and perched on the arm of the sofa. Helena179

nodded and he put his arm round her shoulders.She slumped against his chest and began to cry, ahalf-eaten biscuit clutched in her hand. “Oh comeon, he was a creep anyway.”

“I know,” she wailed, muffled against Matthew’sshirt. “But that makes it worse, somehow. Ishouldn’t be being ditched by someone like him.”

Matthew gave her a squeeze, not being able tothink of a suitable reply that didn’t involve himcriticising the contrariness of the female mind.

“Well, think of it this way: you’ll be saving a fairbit on train fares.”

Soon after that, Helena decided it was abouttime she broadened her horizons. Not wanting tobecome entangled in any kind of workplaceromance in case of awkwardness on break-up, shereasoned that hobbies might be a good way ofmeeting eligible young men. She mentioned heridea to Matthew one evening when Louise wasn’taround, hoping for some constructive suggestions.

“I thought about evening classes, a language orsomething. Like Spanish, I can speak a bit ofSpanish.”

“If you can speak Spanish already, why do youwant to do a class in it?” asked Matthew,remembering that she’d done fairly well on theirtrip to visit his parents.

“Well that way I won’t feel as thick; I don’t want180

to go learn German and have all these people whocan already speak it a bit showing me up.”

“Oh yes, I forgot. The object of the exercise isto ensnare an unsuspecting man,” said Matthewdryly, earning a glare from his housemate. “Howabout a dancing class? Lots of bodily contact, if youpick the right type of dancing.”

“Have you ever watched me dance, Matthew?Wearing sequins and looking graceless isn’t the bestway of attracting people.”

“Couldn’t you do something useful, likepottery? I could do with some new plates.”

“Matthew you’re not helping. What kind ofmen are going to do a pottery class? Beardyvegetarians; I’ve had enough of them, thank you.”

Matthew grinned, he was tempted to take uppottery just to prove her wrong, but he doubtedhe’d be good at it, having always been rubbish atart at school. He’d noticed on his last visit homethat his mum still had a clay donkey he’d madewhen he was twelve. Helena had thought it was acamel and he hadn’t liked to correct her.

“Er,” he stalled, searching for inspiration. “Youcould join a squash club or something. Or does thatfall under graceless?”

“Near enough. I’ll drop by the collegetomorrow and see what they’ve got; somethingmight catch my eye.”

181

To Matthew’s intense amusement, Helenasigned up for a life drawing class that began afterEaster. She’d enjoyed art at school but hadn’tthought about drawing anything in years. By thetime the class started she was looking forward tothe opportunity for brushing up her skills, and thesearch for prospective boyfriends had become asecondary consideration. Which was just as well,since all the participants were women, except oneold man with a white beard who apparently went toany art class he could find.

“Well? Go on then, tell all,” said Matthew whenshe arrived home from the first class.

“It was good, I enjoyed it. It’s hard workthough, you don’t get long on a pose, to stop themodel getting cramp I imagine.”

“And? Any hot young artists present?”“As it happens, it’s all women…Oh it’s not that

funny, Matthew.”“Oh, fantastic! All that effort for nothing.

There’s always the models though. Or are they allgirls too?”

“Some are, some aren’t. I don’t think I’d wantto go out with someone who took their clothes offin front of strangers for a living, anyway.”

“I don’t imagine you could earn a living from it,there’s probably not enough work around for that.It’d be more a sort of pocket-money enterprise.”

182

“Even worse then, taking their clothes off forfifty pence and the fun of it.”

“Back to the drawing board?” asked Matthewwith a smile. Helena didn’t appreciate the pun.

As summer rolled around, Louise beganmaking preparations for a year in London; she’dbe starting her professional training in Septemberto become a solicitor. Helena was of course lookingforward to her going away for a while, though shefelt sorry for Matthew, who seemed to beunaccountably attached to the girl and was alreadydownhearted at the thought of being apart fromher for so long. Though Louise could have donethe training closer to home and still been able tosee Matthew, London was where she’d beenintending to go and she could see no good reasonto change her mind now. Helena often wondered ifMatthew and Louise’s relationship was largely one-sided; Louise seemed cold sometimes, but thenHelena freely admitted that she didn’t like Louiseand they probably didn’t bring out the best in eachother when they were forced into each other’scompany. She didn’t want to risk alienatingMatthew by saying anything about it.

183

Chapter 19The two of us

Helena decided against the follow-up to herlife-drawing class that autumn. With Louisestarting her course down in London, Helenathought Matthew might feel lonely, and she waslooking forward to spending time with him withoutLouise glaring at her over his shoulder. Matthewand Helena fell back into the habit of going for adrink or to the pictures after work, or at leastmeeting in town to walk home together and spendtheir evening in companionable silence in the livingroom, Helena watching TV or flicking throughmagazines on the sofa, Matthew munching apples,engrossed in a novel in his beanbag.

It was almost like old times, except that Martinwas living near York with his wife and son, andthey very rarely saw him. Matthew missed Louiseand spent a fair amount of time and moneyphoning her, but he enjoyed the opportunity tospend more time with Helena without being madeto feel guilty, and Helena was often less hard workthan Louise, who wasn’t as easy-going or ready tosmile. Helena felt the search for a boyfriendgradually become less urgent, and settled into the

184

pleasant routine of life with Matthew as the autumnwore on.

Inevitably, Christmas drew near and Louisereturned to her parents for the vacation. Helenawas largely overlooked by Matthew in his eagernessto catch up with his beloved Louise, but she couldforgive him that, and looked forward to the start ofthe next term when Louise would return toLondon and Matthew would be unoccupied onceagain.

Helena had been secretly and selfishly hoping,and Matthew had been secretly worried, thatLouise would have found someone else down inLondon, or at least reconsidered her attachment toMatthew during her absence. It seemed, however,that Louise had been too busy to think about muchbesides her studying, so Matthew was safe for thetime being. He thought Louise seemed somewhatlighter of heart than she had been before she wentaway; her career was back on track and she’d beenenjoying life in the capital. Now that she wasestablished there, Matthew had decided to try andvisit her during the following term, though she’dmade it clear that she could take little time out forsocialising. Helena didn’t relish the prospect ofweekends alone, but she preferred it to Louisecoming to spend her weekends with Matthew.

After Christmas, Martin and Karen threw a185

small dinner-party: Gavin was of course excludedbut when Helena arrived with Matthew andLouise, she found that Dean had been invited,probably as part of another matchmaking attempton Martin’s part. She was exasperated by thethought that the only progress in the last year hadbeen made by George, who could now potter aboutthe room under his own steam, shouting out a fewrecently-acquired words. Dean was pleasantenough to chat to, but not what Helena was lookingfor, and she made up her mind to find a newevening class to attend in January.

One evening during the first week back at workin the new year, Helena took a detour to the collegeon the way home. There was an enrolment eveningfor the new batch of classes, she hadn’t picked oneyet and choosing one with places left at the lastminute seemed as good a way as any. When Helenaasked what courses she could sign up for, a ladywith a namebadge told her to go talk to Pete andpointed in the direction of a bored-looking youngman with a clipboard, perched on the edge of atable in the corner of the room.

“Excuse me, are you Pete?” asked Helena of theman in the corner, who stood up as she drew near.

“Peter,” he corrected, pleasantly but firmly.“Oh, sorry.”“Well you know, one grows attached to one’s

186

name, it’s a shame for it to be messed with. Whatabout you? Do you have an easily-mangled name?”he asked with a smile.

“Not really; it’s Helena. I get called Helensometimes. Or Eleanor,” she said, remembering thefirst time she’d met Matthew.

“That’s not so bad I suppose,” said Peter. “Now,what can I do for you?”

“Oh, yes,” began Helena, remembering thatshe’d come for a reason. “The lady by the door saidyou’d be able to tell me what classes I could do.”

“I shall certainly do my best,” promised Peter,flicking through the lists on his clipboard.

With Peter’s assistance, Helena narrowed downher interests to first aid and large-scale sculpture,though she didn’t tell Peter that the kind of menshe might meet was an important criterion. Sheliked the idea of caring, practical men learning firstaid, but was put off by the idea of demonstratingthe kiss of life, so she put her name down for thesculpture class. It was art again, which should makeit enjoyable but also ran the risk of being full ofwomen, though she was hoping for creative,muscular men getting sweaty chiselling large blocksof stone.

Louise had returned to London that week, andMatthew had been moping for days. He wasalready eating when Helena arrived home and told

187

him she’d be starting a sculpture class the followingTuesday. She was expecting some humourouscomment or leg-pulling, but instead he asked ifshe’d thought about how she’d get the finishedwork home, and how much the materials wouldcost. She hadn’t thought about either of thosethings, and it cast something of a shadow over herexcitement about her new enterprise, leaving herto join Matthew at the table and eat her tea insilence.

The following Tuesday, Helena left work full ofanticipation; her class started early enough in theevening that she had to go straight to the collegewhen she’d finished work for the day. She wasnegotiating her way through a maze of corridors,hesitating at a junction, when a voice behind hersaid:

“Sculpture’s down there on the left.”She turned round with surprise, and saw Peter

locking an office door, a sports bag in his hand. Hesmiled at her.

“Thanks,” she said. “Who knows what class I’dhave ended up in if I’d taken a wrong turning.”

“Urdu, I think,” said Peter with a smile. “Enjoyyour sculpting.”

With a swish of his overcoat he was off downthe corridor, back in the direction Helena hadcome from. She waited until he’d rounded the

188

corner, then went to look at the nameplate on thedoor he’d been locking, but there was no name,only the announcement that this was the examsoffice. Helena followed Peter’s directions to hersculpture class, and spent a distinctly unsweatycouple of hours learning about properties ofmaterials, and how to handle tools.

189

Chapter 20Hot wires and polystyrene

After a couple of Tuesday evenings spentwalking very slowly past Peter’s office on the way toher sculpture class, Helena was finally rewardedwith another meeting with the laid-back collegeexams officer. The class was almost over for theevening and Helena was slowing down, tired, anddusty from her neighbour’s stonework. She lookedaround at her fellow sculptors and sighed; the onlycandidate for her attentions had turned out to bemarried, with the rest too old, too uninspiring orsimply the wrong gender. Helena was glad thatonce again she’d chosen a class which she enjoyed,however, and had been throwing herself into herwork with great enthusiasm. She tidied away hermaterials, washed her hands and was the first toleave the room when the tutor announced the endof the session.

Rounding the corner near the exams office, shewas surprised to see Peter in the corridor,unlocking the office door.

“They’ve got you working late,” she observedcheerily as she approached.

Peter looked up and smiled at her.190

“Don’t worry, I’ll get time off in lieu,” heassured her. “How’s your sculpting? Been chisellingaway at great marble blocks?”

“Oh god, no! I don’t think I could,” shelaughed. “My housemate pointed out that I’d haveto get the thing home at the end of term, so I’vegone for something just a touch lighter.”

“Polystyrene? You can carve that quite well witha length of hot wire, I believe.”

“Can you? Oh, well no, I’m making a wireframe. I was going to cover it with something whenI’d finished, the wire bit was just supposed to bethe skeleton, but now I’ve got going I think I quitelike how it looks, so I might just leave it bare.”

“Well that sounds like it’ll be lighter thanmarble, anyway. And if you heat it up, you couldalways carve some polystyrene with it,” he grinned.

Helena laughed, then for no good reason thatshe could think of, asked Peter if he’d like to go seeher half-finished wire creation.

“An honoured glimpse into the artist’s studio,eh?” he said, locking his office door again. “Leadthe way.”

Feeling rather foolish as they reached thelocked door to the recently-vacated art room,Helena peered through the small glass panel in thedoor to try and locate her sculpture. Luckily it wasquite close by, and could be dimly seen in the light

191

from the corridor.“I don’t know whether you’ll be able to make it

out, actually,” confessed Helena, stepping backfrom the glass. “It’s just on the left there.”

Peter stepped up to the door and stooped tolook through the glass, being taller than Helena ata little over six feet. He moved his head up anddown, side to side, shielding the glass with hishands to cut down the glare from the striplightabove him. Helena squirmed beside him, wishingshe hadn’t made such an ill-considered invitation.

“Wow, that’s pretty impressive,” said Peter,straightening up. “Unicorn?” he asked, tentatively.

“Horse,” corrected Helena, looking throughinto the art room again. “I think that’s part of theshelving behind it.”

“Maybe it just looks like it should be a unicorn,”suggested Peter. “The way it’s rearing up, and it’squite delicate for a horse.”

“I had to make sure it wasn’t too tall for mybedroom ceiling,” explained Helena. “I suppose itcould be a unicorn that's lost its horn. Anyway,” shecontinued, turning away from the door andhitching her bag decisively on her shoulder. “I’mkeeping you from your work, I should be going.”

“No you’re not, I was just going to pick my coatup and go home,” said Peter. “Though I couldmake a detour to a pub in the right company.

192

Though not going to a pub is also fine, and I didn’tmean anything by it,” he said, his hands raisedplacatingly as he saw Helena’s face fall.

“Oh no, it’s not…” she began to protest. “I justhaven’t had any tea yet, I’m starving.”

“That’s what chip shops are for, surely?”They ate fish and chips together sitting on a low

wall in front of the chip shop a short walk from thecollege. They barely managed small-talk as theyate, Helena having had only a banana since lunch,and Peter having lasted the whole day on tworounds of sandwiches. Once they’d finished,Helena felt almost giddy from the combinedsensations of bolting down a meal after feelingalmost faint with hunger, and being in theunexpected company of the object of most of herrecent daydreams. They chose the pub nearestHelena’s house, since apparently Peter lived in thesame area and hence neither of them would havefar to walk home.

Peter’s air of quiet confidence, and dry humour,as well as his height went a long way towardcompensating for the short ponytail he wore hishair in, which wasn’t to Helena’s taste. She wassurprised to find he was only three years older thanher, he gave the impression of being older butlooking good for his age. He gave away very littleabout himself, while coaxing revelations from

193

Helena at an astonishing rate. She was shocked atherself when she got home, feeling as though she’djust laid bare her soul to a stranger.

They left the pub after an hour or so andwalked as far as the end of Helena’s street together.She was disappointed when Peter only said sheshould knock at his office door the following weekon her way to the art class, then waved goodbyeand continued along the main road. She watchedhim a little way, but he didn’t turn round so shehurried down the pavement to her front door andlet herself in.

“I was beginning to get worried about you,”called Matthew, coming to meet Helena in thehallway when he heard the front door open.

“That’s nice, I suppose,” she replied, smiling athim as she unbuttoned her coat.

“Mm, I thought you might’ve fallen in a vat ofclay or something, and be slowly hardening in aliving tomb…”

“Oh bugger off, Matthew. I’m not using clay, Itold you, it’s just wire.”

“You can do a lot with wire,”commentedMatthew. “You can get quite precise models out ofpolystyrene by heating wires and…”

“Can you really?” asked Helena, exasperated.“Yes. I saw a documentary about Doctor Who

once, they used that for making some of the big194

detailed set-pieces.”“Do you know, you’re the second person to tell

me that tonight?”“What, techniques for Doctor Who scenery?”

asked Matthew, puzzled.“Hot wires and polystyrene. My wire is cold,

thank you, and it has no polystyrene associatedwith it.”

“Sorry,” said Matthew, wondering what he’ddone wrong, particularly given that Helena hadonly been in the house about a minute. “Where’veyou been, anyway?”

“Nosy, aren’t you?”“I only asked. Fine, you’re back now, I don’t

have to go out looking for you. I’ll get back to mybook.”

Matthew stalked back into the living room andflung himself into his beanbag so hard that it burst,which wasn’t too surprising considering its age andthe amount of wear it was showing. Helena rushedin when she heard the ripping sound, the thud,and the grunt of surprise. She was already feelingguilty for taking out her disappointment onMatthew, but now seeing him sprawled amid thespilt innards of his favourite seat, she felt dreadfuland apologised for snapping, before telling him allabout her evening as they tidied the living roomfloor.

195

Chapter 21Highbrow pursuits

Matthew spent that weekend in London withLouise. He would have preferred to visit thefollowing weekend, but as Louise pointed out,Valentine’s Day would be almost over by the timehe arrived and all the restaurants would be full.Reluctantly bowing to her pragmatism, Matthewcaught the train to London after work on theFriday before Valentine’s Day, leaving Helena alonefor the weekend.

As Helena munched her way through a bowl ofSugar Puffs late on the Friday night, watching avideo, she felt let-down by Peter. She wasdisgruntled because Tuesday evening had endedwith such a whimper; instead of a date over theweekend, all that had been arranged was that sheshould, or perhaps only could, knock at his officedoor next time she was passing. True, she couldhave asked him out, but Helena would rather feelneeded than needy if possible.

Feeling guilty about Matthew’s treasuredbeanbag, Helena spent Saturday shopping for areplacement. She finally settled on a black andchrome swivel chair; the corduroy seat-covering

196

dated it a little, but it also reduced the price, andshe had a feeling Matthew would prefer cord to theother options anyway. She had a small amount oftrouble getting it home in a taxi, but she was fairlyconfident Matthew would like it and that perkedher up a bit.

When Matthew arrived home on Sundayevening, Helena was practically bursting with theneed to present him with his new chair. Naturallyenough, Matthew was tired from the journey andwanted nothing more exciting than a hot mug oftea. Helena wanted her gift to be properlyappreciated, and tried to keep Matthew out of theliving room until he was more alert.

“I don’t want to sit in the kitchen and have mytea,” he complained. “I’m knackered, I want toslouch. If you try and slouch on the kitchen chairsyou get bruises.”

“But you haven’t got a beanbag any more,”pointed out Helena, desperately.

“We do have a sofa.” He paused. “What haveyou done to the sofa?”

“Nothing!” protested Helena.“Then why are you trying to keep me out of the

living room?” He made to push past her, out of thekitchen. Helena grabbed his arm.

“OK, you can go in, but you have to close youreyes,” she relented.

197

“What have you got in there? Did I come hometoo early and now you have to try and sneak theChippendales out?”

Helena stuck her tongue out, then led Matthewto the living room door and told him to close hiseyes. With a sigh, he did so. Helena opened thedoor, pushed him forward a little, then allowed himto open his eyes again.

“Ta-dah!”“You bought a new chair,” he observed, dryly.“It’s for you,” she explained, on the verge of a

pout. “To replace your beanbag.”“Have you got something against sharing the

sofa with me?” he asked. “It’s very nice,” he added,seeing the look on her face.

Helena leaned on the doorframe with her armsfolded as Matthew crossed to the new chair andtentatively sat in it. The wary look left his face andhe smiled.

“Hey, this is comfy. Ooh, and it swivels,” henoted happily as the chair moved. “Thank you, it’sa lovely chair.”

Matthew spread his arms, inviting Helena for athank-you hug, and the pout was replaced with asmile as she leaned over him.

“Oh yes, hours of fun with this I think,” saidMatthew approvingly, as he swung in one directionthen another, then all the way around. Helena

198

watched him and laughed, glad that he liked it andrelieved that it had distracted him enough that shewouldn’t have to hear about his weekend withLouise.

As she walked along the college corridors onTuesday evening, Helena had half a mind to walkstraight past the exams office without knocking.When she reached it, however, she hesitated, thenknocked and entered the room. Peter’s face seemedto blossom into one huge smile when he saw her,and she was glad she hadn’t gone straight to theclass, though she couldn’t spend more than a fewminutes with him. With no preliminary smalltalk,Peter retrieved a paper bag from his desk drawerand handed it to her. Bemused, Helena peeredinside to find a Danish pastry, for which shethanked him.

“That’s OK. It probably should’ve beensomething savoury if it’s supposed to be your tea,but we can always get chips again when you’vefinished.”

Helena smiled around a mouthful of pastry,and felt like jumping up and down.

The class had ended, a couple of people hadalready slipped out of the door, but Helena hadn’tquite finished clearing away. She was shocked tohear Peter’s voice behind her.

“Do I get to have a closer look at your hornless199

unicorn this week?” “If you like,” said Helena, her cheeks colouring

up. The evening began along the same lines as the

previous Tuesday, with chips then an hour or so inthe pub near Helena’s house. The importantdifference, of course, was that this time when theyreached the top of Helena’s street, Peter asked ifshe’d like to meet him on Saturday to see a film.She immediately said yes, though she didn’trecognise the title and had no idea what it wasabout. She experienced a brief moment of regretwhen he told her to meet him outside an art-housecinema that she’d heard of but never been to, butshe wasn’t seriously going to turn down a date withhim.

Helena was up early on Saturday morning,worrying over her wardrobe and trying to forgetthe fact that she hadn’t had a single Valentines cardthe day before. Matthew, who occasionally enjoyedan obscure film, had given her comprehensivedirections to the cinema but she wanted to set off inplenty of time in case she got lost. She arrived tofind Peter already waiting, a red rose at the ready;by the time the film began she found she didn’tcare that it was subtitled and confusing.

Afterwards, they went for a late lunch and Peterstarted talking about the film. Helena didn’t want

200

to admit that she wasn’t used to coping withreading subtitles and following the action at thesame time, or that she hadn’t understood much ofthe brooding philosophy of the piece, andrestricted herself to smiles and nods.

“Well it wasn’t one of his best, anyway,” Peterconcluded. “Perhaps it wasn’t a good idea; Ithought it might at least give us something to talkabout.”

Helena was a little put out that Peter felt theneed to provide topics of conversation, implyingthat all they’d said to each other so far hadn’t beeninteresting enough. Despite that, they seemed tomanage to chat quite happily over lunch andthrough a short walk through town. Reluctant toleave Peter to continue along the main road whenshe turned down her own street, on an impulseHelena invited him back for tea. As soon as heagreed, she realised she had no idea what to cookhim and she wasn’t sure she wanted Matthew tomeet him yet, but the offer had been made and sheled him into the house with some nervousness.

Matthew was slowly twisting his new chair fromside to side, deeply absorbed in a book, and onlywaved absentmindedly when Helena said hello.Since she was still casting a shadow over him, heplaced his finger on the paragraph he was reading,and looked up.

201

“Yes, what?” he asked, not unkindly, thennoticed a second figure in the doorway. “Oh, I see.”He put a bookmark in his book and stood up to beintroduced to Peter.

The formalities over, Peter observed thatMatthew was reading a John Wyndham novel, andengaged him in animated conversation about it.When Helena returned to the living room afterchecking the contents of the fridge and her store-cupboard, Matthew had resumed his chair-swivelling and Peter was perched on the arm of thesofa telling him about the film he and Helena hadseen. Helena was dismayed, though not surprised,to hear that Matthew had many more intelligentcomments to make about it than she had, and infact had seen some of the director’s earlier works.She resigned herself to an evening spent inMatthew’s shadow, and retired to the kitchen tocook.

202

Chapter 22Down sidestreets with a unicorn

Helena and Peter settled into a pleasant routineover the next few weeks: drinks after the Tuesdayevening sculpture class and an outing together onSaturdays. There were no further visits to the art-house cinema, much to Helena’s relief, but they didgo to the theatre and to a couple of art exhibitions.Despite the hours of conversation, Helena foundshe still knew very little about Peter and she hadnot yet been to his house. He made Helena feelrelaxed, and when she talked he listenedattentively, which she particularly appreciated afterGavin who had, she thought with hindsight, onlywanted her around so that he could listen to thesound of his own voice without being branded amadman.

Matthew was pleasantly surprised by Helena’slatest boyfriend, having expected him to bematerialistic, ambitious and arrogant, or at least arich airhead, given her past form. He got on wellwith Peter, having overlapping interests and asimilar attitude to work. In fact, since Matthew’sbirthday fell on a Tuesday that year, Peter invitedhim to join them at the pub after Helena’s class that

203

night and an uproarious evening was had by all.On his next visit to London, Matthew reflected onthe great difference between his relationship withPeter, and Helena’s with Louise. He wished hecould think of a way to bring the latter more in linewith the former, but short of brainwashing one orboth parties, nothing suggested itself to him.

The college term ended in mid-March, and theproblem of transporting Helena’s sculpture homefinally had to be faced. Peter expressed the opinionthat it was too big to fit in the back of a taxi, andHelena was reluctantly forced to agree. She hadbeen at pains to make it short enough to fit in herbedroom without touching the ceiling, but hadnever given serious thought to its otherdimensions.

The day before the final sculpture session sheasked Matthew if he’d be able to drive a van if shehired one for the evening.

“Do you know how much that’d cost?” heasked, before pointing out that it was unlikely to beworth the money. “Can’t you put wheels on it andpush it home?”

“A horse on wheels, Matthew? Don’t be silly.”“Well it’s made of wire, isn’t it? You could

pretend it was an avant garde shopping trolley.”Helena threw a cushion but he spun his chair

round quickly enough that it thumped harmlessly204

against the corduroy chair-back and slumped to thefloor. “Seriously though, can’t you borrow somewheels or a trolley or something from the college?”asked Matthew as he swivelled back round. “It’s notthat far away.”

Helena pouted as she considered the idea.“Hmm. I don’t think so, I mean if they started

lending trolleys out, everyone’d want one. And howmany would they get back?”

“You’ll just have to carry it then.” “It’s seven feet tall, Matthew; how am I

supposed to carry it home?”Matthew waited outside the college on the

following evening, not trusting Helena’sinstructions for negotiating the labyrinthinecorridors. He wasn’t looking forward to theprospect of carrying a seven-foot tall wire horsehome through the dark streets, but Helena hadinsisted that she couldn’t impose on Peter, and evenif he did end up helping, three was probably amore useful number than two. At length, whenMatthew was beginning to wish he’d worn a secondjumper, Peter appeared at the main door andwaved, and Matthew followed him inside.

“Good grief,” said Matthew, faced with thetowering wire structure for the first time. “Are yousure that’s only seven foot?”

“Well at least it hasn't got a horn,” said Helena,205

baffling Matthew and eliciting a smile from Peter.“I’ve no idea how we’re going to get this roundcorners.”

Peter took charge, and Helena became littlemore than a door-opener and look-out as Matthewhelped him carry the creature through the collegeto the exit. They attracted plenty of curious glancesand humourous comments as they encounteredpeople leaving other classes, and Helena’s face wasglowing with embarrassment by the time theyreached the relative anonymity of the street. Peterand Matthew carefully lowered the base to theground, and Matthew stretched his arms.

“It looks quite good there, actually,” hecommented. “You could donate it to the college asan open-air artwork.”

“It’d rust,” said Helena flatly.“Shame,” said Matthew, and bent to take hold

of the plinth. “I’m not walking down the mainstreet with this.”

Peter laughed but Helena looked put out:“How else do we get home? It’s only ten

minutes’ walk.”“It might take you ten minutes,” said Matthew

pointedly, “But we’re carrying about half a ton ofmetal. I’d rather not have to walk slowly past twopubs with this, thank you.”

Helena opened her mouth to protest further,206

but Peter concurred with Matthew, and shefollowed them down a side-street, a spare part nowthat there were no more doors.

After what felt like an hour, but in truth wasslightly less than half that, the trio reachedMatthew and Helena’s front door. Helena could atleast appear useful as she unlocked the door andheld it open. Safely in the hallway, the sculpturewas let down on its base and Matthew leanedagainst the wall with some relief.

“Where now?” he enquired. “It could reallymake a statement here in the hall, you know, it’sthe first thing you see when you arrive.” He smiledat Helena hopefully.

“You’d have to climb over it to get up the stairsthough,” she pointed out. “I don’t know. I hadbeen thinking in terms of my bedroom, but now it’shere…” She tailed off; it seemed unnecessary topoint out the obvious size discrepancy between therearing equine sculpture, and the narrow staircaseat right-angles to her bedroom door.

“What about the living room?” asked Peter,crossing to the doorway and looking in. “Though Isuppose it might dwarf the place. You couldprobably squeeze it into the corner though.”

“Measure twice, cut once, as they say,” Matthewchipped in, helpfully.

“Shut up, Matthew.” Helena was despondent.207

“It seems such a shame after all that effort,”said Peter. “It’s a nice piece, you need somewhereto show it off properly.”

“Would you have room for it?” asked Helena,her eyes lighting up.

“Probably,” replied Peter slowly, sizing up thetangle of wire in front of him.

“Would you like it? Matthew…”“No,” said Matthew firmly. “Carry your own

bloody horse. I’m making some tea and then I’mgoing to bed.” He moved away towards thekitchen.

“It’s not that heavy, really,” Peter reassured her.“We should be able to manage it between us.”

Ever one to make preparations for alleventualities, Helena sneaked a small piece of tinfoil from the roll when she went into the kitchen totell Matthew she was going back out. She didn’tthink he was watching but when she looked at him,he winked and grinned at her. She smiled back,then squeezed past the hornless unicorn and racedupstairs to wrap the foil round the head of hertoothbrush and slip it in her bag:

“Just nipping to the loo,” she called down.Matthew was drifting off to sleep when he

thought he heard the front door being openedquietly. He slid out of bed and crept to the head ofthe stairs.

208

“You’re back early. Or late.”Helena jumped at Matthew’s sudden comment

and looked up at him standing in pyjama bottomsand a T-shirt, his arms folded and a look of smugamusement on his face.

“That man is just too damned sensible for hisown good,” she said with feeling. “I know I’ve gotto go to work in the morning, I don’t know why hecouldn’t just let me worry about that.”

“Never mind, I’m sure you had a lovely coupleof hours inspecting his art collection,” saidMatthew, patting Helena on the shoulder nowshe’d joined him on the landing.

“Something like that,” she said with a wickedlook. “I’m off for dinner there on Friday though.Night!”

Matthew shook his head and went back to bed.

209

Chapter 23Far-flung places

Although Helena had spent some time inPeter’s house while they struggled to install thewire horse in his living room, she was fascinatedanew when she arrived for dinner later that week.It occurred to her that there was a certainsuperficial resemblance to Keith’s shared studenthouse, but she pushed the thought to the back ofher mind as she marvelled at the cluttered contentsof Peter’s home.

From the outside, the house looked very muchlike the one she shared with Matthew, ananonymous element of a nondescript terrace.Inside, however, was a riot of brightly paintedwoodwork, stunning fabrics hung from the wallsand ceiling and covered the chairs; there wereframed paintings and strange ornaments hangingor perching on every available surface. She had atfirst been concerned that her sculpture might lookout of place in Peter’s house, but once she saw therest of his belongings she realised it would, ifanything, be overlooked since it wasn’t as colourfulas its surroundings.

Over dinner Helena finally began to find out210

more about Peter; so far he’d remained enigmaticbut a compliment directed at the exotically spiceddish he’d cooked opened up a whole store of travelanecdotes. With amazement, it dawned on Helenathat the batik fabrics, the wooden masks and stonefigures were all souvenirs of Peter’s wanderings.She didn’t know anyone who’d been to India,Kenya or Mexico; even Keith, forever intending tovisit a whole string of third-world countries, had toher knowledge never been further afield thanFrance. Peter held her spellbound with descriptionsof the things he’d seen, and this time when theevening faded away he didn’t send her home.

Helena was so full of Peter’s adventures whenshe returned home on Saturday evening that ittook her a while to notice Matthew wasn’t paying agreat deal of attention to her account of Peter’s tripto a Buddhist temple in Sri Lanka. She stoppedtalking, and a few seconds later Matthew looked upand said:

“Sorry, did you ask me a question?”“No, I just realised you weren’t listening. Are

you OK?”Matthew made a so-so face and looked away.

Helena’s breath caught as she wondered if Louisemight have broken up with him, then immediatelyshe scolded herself; she might not like Louise butMatthew did, and she didn’t want to see him upset.

211

“Louise phoned,” he began, and Helena heldher breath, waiting to be proved right. “She’s beenapplying for jobs this week, or pestering law firmsat least.”

“Oh,” was all Helena could come up with; shewas puzzled as to why this might present aproblem.

“They’re all in London, of course.”“Oh,” she said again with sympathy, the

implications becoming clear. “Can’t you persuadeher to pester some law firms up here? There’sloads in Leeds and Sheffield, and evenManchester’d be better than London, wouldn’t it?”

“It would to me, but not to her. I was hopingshe’d got over her London phase, but apparentlyshe’s having such a great time, she’s moredetermined than ever to get a job down there. Ican’t do this long-distance thing for another twoyears.”

Helena wondered if he’d end the relationshipsoon, or continue to try and persuade Louise toreturn to the north. She knew which she’d prefer,but she doubted Matthew would see it the sameway and she remained diplomatically silent.

Matthew spent the following weekend withLouise, who was remaining in London over Easterto get some work done while her flatmates weren’taround. He returned even more downhearted, and

212

Helena felt that she should do something about it.She couldn’t end his doomed relationship for him,or wrench his stubborn girlfriend away from thecapital, but she could do her best to take his mindoff the problem for a while.

Peter had announced a few days earlier that hewas going away for the week, and to Helena’sdisappointment he hadn’t asked her to accompanyhim. Of course, when she found out he was goingto Canada to get close to nature in the cold she waspartly placated, but the desertion still rankled.Without Peter, though, she had more time to spendwith Matthew, and she decided a day-trip to Ilkleymight be nice: a picnic and some splendid scenerymight cheer him up, and a stroll on the moorshould be refreshing if nothing else. She thought itwould work even better if she prepared the picnicin secret, and sprang the trip on Matthew as asurprise.

Matthew ignored the knocking at his bedroomdoor, and pulled the covers over his head.Suddenly he was being shaken by the shoulder, andhe thrust his head out to glare at Helena forwaking him at an ungodly hour when he didn’teven have to go to work.

“Rise and shine! Come on, wrap up warm,we’re off to Ilkley,” announced Helena, steppingback and smiling down at the sleepy screwed-up

213

face framed by bedclothes.“We’re what?” asked Matthew, bewildered.

“Don’t I even get some tea?”“Kettle’s on, you’ll have to come down for it.” Helena shut the door behind her, and Matthew

heard her slippered feet thudding down the stairs.Awake whether he liked it or not, he grabbed hisdressing gown and followed her to extract anexplanation for this disturbing behaviour.

The drizzle began while they were still on thetrain, and Helena had to admit that a picnic onIlkley Moor in April had perhaps been a little toooptimistic. Still, Matthew seemed to havebrightened up, if only because he found the wholeidea amusingly bizarre, and Helena was reasonablyconfident that the day would not be a wasted effort.Matthew insisted that since a picnic had beenprepared they shouldn’t let a spot of inclementweather put them off, and Helena sat damplybeside him in an open-sided shelter on the edge ofthe moor, wishing the mist wasn’t obscuring whatwould undoubtedly be a fabulous view.

“I bet you can’t do this in London,” commentedMatthew.

“What, eat sandwiches in the rain?” repliedHelena. “I bet you can.”

“No, get out in the countryside so easily.”“They must’ve got countryside near London,”

214

said Helena, trying to picture a map of England.“Everyone goes to Brighton from London.

That’s the coast, it’s not the same at all.”Helena was in no position to argue, she knew

very little about the south.“I’ll bring Louise out here next time she’s up;

she can’t possibly resist. A lot of London law firmshave northern outposts, I’m sure she’ll cope.”

Helena said nothing, but she doubted Louisecould be dissuaded so easily from her quest to finda training place in London; once Helena'suniversity friend had got the New York bug,nothing else would do.

Helena spent as much time as she could withMatthew over the next few days, and the prospectof Louise staying permanently in London was notmentioned again. Helena still couldn’t understandwhat Matthew saw in the girl, but she had toconcede that their relationship seemed to beworking, even if that was partly due to their beingseparated for most of the time, and she knew he’dbe devastated when they broke up. She hoped thatwhen it happened she’d be able to effectivelyconceal her relief at never having to encounterLouise again.

Peter returned from Canada with a selection ofcarved trinkets and a couple of rolls of film. Helenavisited him on his return, and when they were both

215

supplied with drinks he took her hand and said hehad something to show her upstairs. Helenafollowed him, thinking it was just a cheesy line, buthe stopped outside the door to what Helenaassumed was the spare bedroom.

“I don’t usually let people in here, but youshowed me your tragically amputated unicorn,so…”

He opened the door and Helena steppedinside, intrigued.

“Oh, wow. Did you do those picturesdownstairs?”

Peter nodded and Helena tried to take in all thehalf-finished paintings stacked against the wall, thepastels, paints and brushes amid piles of paper on alarge table, and the hundreds of photos blu-tackedto the wall.

“I feel really embarrassed about giving you theunicorn, now," she said, using his name for herartwork without realising it. "You’re really good.”

“I like the unicorn, the lines flow very naturally.Although quite what counts as natural with aunicorn I couldn’t say.”

“Are these all the places you’ve been?” askedHelena looking closely at the nearest photographs.

“Some of them. Some are more photogenicthan others. These are all the things I intend topaint; I don’t always get round to them though.”

216

“Wow,” murmured Helena. “How can you haveseen all this and still live round here?”

“I like living round here; I’ve always livedround here. It gives me somewhere to come backto.”

“But do you never go away and just want tostay there?” she persisted.

“It’s mostly novelty value, isn’t it? It’s differentso it’s fascinating. You’d get tired of the reality aftera while, I imagine. And what would I live on?” Heseemed amused by Helena’s attitude.

“I don’t know, don’t people usually work inbars or on farms when they go off round theworld?”

“Eighteen-year-olds do, yes,” Peter pointed out.“Why would I give up my comfortable house andmy comfortable job for that? It’s not very excitingbut I don’t have to take work home with me, I gettime off if I have to work late, and I have enoughmoney and enough free time to do things I enjoy,like painting and travelling.”

That seemed a lazy way of looking at it, toHelena, but she didn’t press her point.

217

Chapter 24Taking the plunge

Helena was in a distinctly bubbly mood as sheunlocked the front door. It was early evening, thewarm May day still mild as it tailed off, and thewalk home book-ended by softly blossoming trees.Matthew would undoubtedly already be home, andthere might still be enough warmth in the day forthem to take their mugs of tea outside and perchon the low wall of the back yard, watching theneighbourhood cats lazily stalk young birds.Matthew jogged down the stairs, freshly changedfrom his office clothes, as Helena kicked off hershoes and greeted him with a dazzling smile.

“Hello,” he said warily, pausing on the bottomstep. “What’s got into you today? Peter isn’twhisking you off to the Amazon, is he?”

“It’s a lovely day, Matthew. What is there not tobe happy about?”

Matthew regarded her sceptically and said:“I’ll put the kettle on.”She followed him into the kitchen and unbolted

the back door.“It’s still nice out, we could sit in the yard,” she

suggested.218

“I wouldn’t; the warm weather’s just makingthe bin stink.”

“Oh.” Helena hesitated, then rebolted the door.“Well the breeze might’ve been a bit chilly anyway.”

She sat down at the table and said mysteriously:“I have news.”“So he is taking you off to a rainforest? Don’t

forget to get Sting’s autograph.”Helena stuck her tongue out.“Don’t be daft. Do you remember Clare?”“How could I forget?” said Matthew, grimly.“Apparently she’s been promoted.”“That’s nice,” said Matthew insincerely.“Over Dan Pearson,” finished Helena, relishing

the gossip and all but licking her lips withsatisfaction.

“No! Really? Oh that’s fantastic,” laughedMatthew. “Is she still going out with him?”

Helena shrugged.“I dare say she won’t be for much longer.”Before the pair of them could get too stuck into

their catty discussion of Clare and Dan, the phonerang and Matthew glanced at his watch.

“Just past six, it’s probably Louise.”He closed the kitchen door and Helena heard

him answer the phone, then trail the lead halfwayup the stairs to his customary phone perch. Sheshould have known Louise would contrive to spoil

219

their fun even though she was so far away,although had Helena been more alert to the timeof day she might have expected the call. She tookthe remains of her tea and climbed past Matthewon the stairs to change out of her suit.

In her bedroom with the door shut, Helenacould only hear the faint murmur of Matthew’svoice, but from what she’d heard on the way past itsounded like Louise’s badgering of law-firms mightfinally have paid off. Helena felt guilty, she hadn’tspent much time with Matthew over the last fewweeks, content instead to be largely ignored atPeter’s house in the evenings, fascinated by theartistic process which he kindly allowed her toobserve. She realised she didn’t know if Matthewhad managed to persuade Louise to apply furtherafield, or if she was still concentrating all her effortson London. When Matthew knocked and stuck hishead round the door a while later, she guessed itwas still just London.

“I don’t know what to do,” sighed Matthew,lying back on Helena’s bed with his arms behindhis head.

Helena pondered in silence, her chin on herdrawn-up knees, arms folded round her shins.

“Do you think she’s still happy with the long-distance arrangement?” she asked eventually.

“I don’t think she’s thought about it at all, to be220

honest. She’s too full of her new job to be practicalat the moment.”

“When does she start?”“End of September.”“Well that gives you a while to sort things out,”

said Helena. By which, of course, she meant tellLouise it was all over.

Matthew returned from his next weekend inLondon quiet and thoughtful, which was only to beexpected. Helena had deliberately been waiting infor him when he was due home, and she lookedclosely for signs that he might have made the breakthat day.

“You know, London’s been growing on me,” hecommented, as he settled into his chair and slowlybegan to swivel from side to side.

Helena froze in the act of pummelling a sofa-cushion; this was an unexpected turn.

“Has she asked you to move down there withher?” asked Helena, shocked and afraid.

“No,” he admitted. “But I’ve been thinkingabout it. I was trying to look at things less like avisitor this weekend, trying to think if I could livethere.”

“And?” prompted Helena, still not relaxing.“Yeah…maybe.” He nodded slowly, thinking. “I

mean it’s not great, but it’s not as bad as I used tothink it was. And you’ve got all the art galleries, the

221

Science Museum, all those classic venues, the bandsthat don’t play anywhere between Birmingham andGlasgow…”

Helena wasn’t sure which of them he was tryingto convince, but she knew it was having little effecton her views.

“Matthew, you’d be starting from scratch, youdon’t know anyone down there, and you’d have tolook for a new job, and…” She tailed off,desperately trying to come up with objections.

“What have I got up here? It’s not as if I lovemy job, and you know how many jobs there were inLondon, last time I was looking. And who am Ileaving behind? Martin doesn’t need me anymore.” He looked Helena right in the eyes and shehad to look away. “That only leaves you. You’dcope without me.”

Helena wasn’t at all sure she would, but itwould seem unfair to say so.

“Well don’t rush into anything, will you?” shecountered lamely, and left the room to put thekettle on and conquer the threatening tears.

Helena lay awake in bed for a long time thatnight, listening to the unseasonable downpourdrumming on the roof and lashing against thewindows. She could hear the swish of wet tyres onthe main road, which made her wonder how busy astreet Matthew would end up on if he moved to

222

London. She was aware that it was selfish of her towant him to stay nearby, and she admitted that partof her worries stemmed from being left without ahousemate, but even from as objective a standpointas she could manage, she wasn’t sure that movingdown to London to be with Louise was a good idea.

Things got worse ten days later when Helenaleft work to find Matthew waiting for her outsidethe main door to the building. She greeted himwith a surprised smile, wondering if he wasplanning on dinner or a film, but he soon revealedhis true purpose.

“I want you to help me buy something forLouise, I need to take it down this weekend.”

“Oh, OK,” she agreed unenthusiastically, notlooking forward to choosing underwear for Louise,which is what she assumed Matthew had in mind.

“I’ve never thought much about engagementrings,” he went on. “I thought a woman’s inputmight be useful.”

Helena stopped dead on the pavement, butMatthew was distracted and didn’t notice so shehurried to catch up with him.

“Did you just say what I thought you said?”“Mm,” he agreed sheepishly. “I figured if I was

seriously considering moving to London for her,she must be pretty special.”

Helena diplomatically reined in the responses223

that clamoured to be spoken, and instead selflesslydevoted the next half-hour to selecting the manacleby which her best friend would be shackled to acold, snooty career-woman miles away from home.

224

Chapter 25Wagons roll

Louise was shocked when Matthew proposed toher, but nevertheless she accepted with pleasureand the deal was sealed, with only the practicalitiesto sort out. Helena had been secretly hopingLouise was as cold as she’d always appeared, andwould turn Matthew down flat. Of course he’d beupset, but Helena expected he’d get over it andlook back on his narrow escape with a shudder inyears to come.

Matthew invited Martin and Karen over forlunch the following Saturday, and Peter put in anappearance as well, since Helena wasn’t availablefor their habitual Saturday outing. She hadn’tconsidered George, now almost two and well ableto totter around getting into mischief. She wishedshe’d stipulated grown-ups only, when she foundhim playing with one of Matthew’s cossettedtwelve-inch singles; she was barely holding hercelebratory demeanour together under the cloudof Matthew’s impending departure, without atoddler to worry about.

Matthew hadn’t told Martin the reason for thegathering, only hinting that there might be

225

something to celebrate, and he was shocked whenMatthew made his announcement as they squeezedround the small kitchen table. Not having seeneither Helena or Matthew for a while, he andKaren had had little warning, and whatever else hewas expecting, it hadn’t been Matthew’sengagement to Louise.

“That’s a bolt from the blue,” said Martin aftera shocked pause. “You are sure about that,Matthew? You don’t mean Helena’s got engaged,do you?”

“God I hope not,” said Peter, far too quickly forHelena’s liking.

“And what’s wrong with Helena?” demandedMatthew, only half joking.

“Nothing wrong with Helena, everythingwrong with marriage,” replied Peter. “But goodluck to you,” he added.

“Yeah, you’ll need it mate,” sighed Martin.Then “Sorry love,” quickly as he caught Karen’sdisapproving eye.

The conversation kept straying back to theengagement, the wedding itself and Matthew’smove to London, as Matthew’s friends tried tocome to terms with the enormity of it. WhenMartin married Karen, Helena and Matthew had achance to get to know her properly, and even whenMartin moved to York, it still wasn’t too far to go

226

for an evening visit, though they wouldn’t havewanted to make a regular habit of it. Louise,however, was barely known to Helena and even lessso to Martin and Karen, and a move to Londonmeant anything less than an overnight stay wasbarely worth the journey. Did this mean Matthewwould gradually fade out of their lives?

“George might get a little friend to play with,”mused Karen as she placed full mugs on a tray forHelena to carry through to the other three, alreadyin the living room entertaining George.

“I can’t see Louise allowing that to happen, I’msure it wouldn’t fit with her career plans,” repliedHelena bitterly. “Anyway, they’ll be in London.”

“Oh, yes, of course. Poor Helena,” said Karen,patting Helena’s arm. “You’re going to miss him,aren’t you?”

“Of course I am,” said Helena. “I’ll be on myown.”

Matthew was only too aware of how muchHelena would miss him, and indeed how muchhe’d miss Helena, but he pretended he hadn’tnoticed how miserable she looked every time hisdeparture was mentioned. He reasoned that whilehe couldn’t do anything to stop her being upsetthat he was leaving, he could at least stop herworrying about paying double rent, and hedecided to advertise later in the summer for a

227

young single woman to replace him in the house.There was a time when he would have relished thetask, but now he was practically a married man hebarely recognised the potential.

It was a miserable summer for Helena; Louisewould be in her student flat until September, soMatthew couldn’t join her before then and Helenahad the loss of her friend hanging over her foralmost four months. She began to tire of silentevenings as an art groupie at Peter’s house, but thealternative was often an evening helping Matthewclear out miscellaneous junk from his bedroom,which wasn’t much better.

While she had no particular desire to marryPeter, his immediate dismissal of the possibilityafter Matthew’s announcement to Martin andKaren had offended her, and she stepped back toconsider him more objectively. By July Helena haddecided that as with his visits to far-flung places,her attraction to Peter had been based on noveltyvalue; they had little in common and he had littledesire to commit to anything more than a fewhours a week in each other’s company. He seemedneither surprised nor upset when she broke upwith him, which offended her even more. Hecommented on what a pleasant companion she hadproved to be, and said that should she ever wish tovisit, she would be most welcome. She declined his

228

offer of the return of the unicorn since it had beena gift, and as he well knew, she had nowhere to putit.

Matthew had little sympathy to offer inHelena’s hour of need; the massive step he wasabout to take was belatedly registering with himand he sought to lose himself in detailedpracticalities. Each visit to the supermarket saw himreturn home with another cardboard box in whichto pack up his belongings. He had cleared out pilesof books, papers and clothes, seeing the move as anopportunity for a fresh start. His only item offurniture was the swivel chair that Helena hadgiven him, which he had no intention of leavingbehind, and he thought he should be able to hire asmall van to drive everything down to London.

Matthew handed his notice in at work at theend of July, and was sent on his way with a cakeand a parcel of useful household items by thematronly secretaries. His parents had asked him totake Louise out to Spain for a couple of weeks butshe insisted she couldn’t take any time out of herwork for a while, except the hour a week she spentflat-hunting. Since Matthew hadn’t secured a jobyet, she was looking for a reasonable compromisebetween cheap and not too far from where shewould be working, which was why they ended upwith what Matthew described as a glorified broom-

229

cupboard. The lack of space meant that allunnecessary items were to be abandoned; Matthewput his foot down over his chair, but only afteragreeing to greater sacrifices elsewhere. Helenafaithfully promised to protect his records until hehad the room to reclaim them, and Matthewresigned himself to his small CD collection.

By the end of August Matthew had secured areplacement housemate for Helena; Jilly would bemoving in a few days after Matthew left on thesixteenth of September. Matthew was ratherpleased with himself at having lightened the load,but Helena felt like he wasn’t allowing her to bealone and miserable for a while once he’d gone,and she was upset at his lack of understanding.

Helena took a few days off work to coincidewith Matthew’s last days in the house. Togetherthey visited Martin and Karen, and Helena’sparents, for Matthew to say his goodbyes. True toform, Mrs Robertshaw had baked extra scones forMatthew to take with him, and his farewell teaconsisted of all his favourite dishes. Helena couldhave sworn her mum had tears in her eyes as shehugged Matthew on the doorstep when they left.

Too soon, Matthew’s final evening as Helena’shousemate arrived; all his boxes were packed, thehired van was parked outside, everything wascrossed off the lists. Matthew and Helena slumped

230

on the sofa with welcome mugs of tea, thenMatthew put his mug on the floor and rooted in histrouser pocket.

“I keep forgetting to give you this.”Helena put her tea down, intrigued.“There you are,” Matthew continued,

producing a keyring and handing it over. “I pickedyou up a new rape alarm from the police station,it’s a lot handier than your old one.”

“Thank you, Matthew,” said Helena quietly.“Well, you know, I won’t be around to go out

looking for you if you’re home late,” he went on.“Oh Matthew I wish you weren’t going!”

Helena started to cry, and Matthew leaned overand hugged her.

“It won’t be forever,” he reassured her. “Youcan come down and visit.”

231

Part IIHelena, and Matthew

Chapter 26For whom the bells toll

The wedding eventually took place on aSaturday in June; Louise had been reluctant totake time out of her long-awaited training post witha London law-firm, and had restricted theirhoneymoon to a week rather than the fortnightMatthew would have preferred. Of course they hadto get married in London to minimise thedisruption, which was fine for Louise’s family who,barring her parents, all lived within an hour’s driveof the capital, but for Matthew’s few guests it was along trek, and Helena’s parents reluctantlydeclined their invitation. Matthew’s parents tookthe opportunity for a short holiday in England, andHelena, having recently passed her test, took turnsto drive Martin’s car down the long stretch ofmotorway to London while Martin and Karen triedto keep two-year-old George quiet in the back.

Matthew had been overtaken by apathy when itcame to the arrangements. Once he’d proposedand been accepted the previous summer, he’dconcentrated on his preparations for joining Louisein London, paying little attention to the details ofthe event itself. Since Louise had postponed it until

233

she was more settled, Matthew had ceased to thinkof the wedding as a real phenomenon, insteadconcerning himself with the day-to-day matters ofliving in the same small flat as the girlfriend he haduntil recently enjoyed a long-distance relationshipwith. He was unprepared for the barrage ofquestions about venues, guests, food, clothing andhoneymoon destinations that hit him when Louisefinally turned her attention to the subject, andsince he had little preference, having given it littlethought, he was content to let Louise take chargewith the telephone assistance of her mother.

Helena felt about as overwhelmed as Matthewdid at the reception; wave after wave of Louise’sfriends and relations broke over the small island ofMatthew’s party. His parents naturally had someposition in the proceedings, and Martin was BestMan, thus they were not completely overlooked,but Helena and Karen as mere friends wereinsignificant, tucked away at a corner table withLouise’s grandmother’s next-door neighbour. ToHelena, every member of Louise’s family seemed assnooty as Louise, and some of her friends wereworse; Helena thought she might as well have worna flat cap and brought a ferret with her on a lead.

In an attempt to escape further inspection byone of Louise’s numerous aunts after the manytoasts had been drunk, Matthew sought out his

234

friends. Martin had already retreated from the toptable to join his wife and snoozing son as soon ashis brief speech was over.

“I hope you’re enjoying those strawberries,”said Matthew as he sat down beside Helena. “I havea feeling they cost about a pound each.”

“What?” said Helena, aghast.“Well this is London, isn’t it? And it’s a posh

wedding. Thank God I’m not paying for it.” “It’s probably a small price to pay to get his

daughter off his hands,” laughed Martin.Matthew raised his eyebrows and leaned back

in his chair with his eyes closed.“You don’t look like you’re having a good time,

Matthew. This is your wedding day, it’s supposed tobe the happiest day of your life,” said Helena.

“I thought schooldays were supposed to be thehappiest days of your life,” replied Matthew, notlooking at her. “And look what they were like.”

Helena and Karen exchanged concerned looks.“You’re not…regretting it, are you?” asked

Helena, anxious for her best friend’s happiness butalso hoping he might say yes, and allow her a secretI told you so.

“Thing is,” said Matthew, sitting up, “We’vebeen living together for months; getting marrieddoesn’t change a damned thing. Today isn’t aboutus. Well, it’s not about me, anyway. Today is my

235

new in-laws making sure their little girl gets thefairytale wedding she always wanted.”

“Well why didn’t you just move in together andhave done with it? It’s not that unusual,” saidKaren.

“Louise is in a very traditional profession.”Matthew gave a sour, cynical grimace. “I’d alreadyheard her say some friend of hers wouldn’t get veryfar because she was living with someone instead ofgetting married; you know how hard she’s workedfor this, she wouldn’t have wanted to jeopardise it.”

Karen nodded sagely, but Helena chalked upanother mark against Matthew’s cold-heartedgirlfriend. Or rather, Matthew’s cold-hearted wife.

“Come on,” said Matthew, grabbing Helena’shand and springing to his feet. “It’s about time youdanced with me.”

“Oh no, Matthew, I’m not nearly drunkenough,” protested Helena, remaining firmly inher seat. She had no intention of making a fool ofherself in front of Louise and her judgementalguests.

“You have to dance with the groom if he asks,”smiled Karen.

“After all, there have to be some advantages togetting married,” added Martin. Then a sheepishsmile and “Sorry love,” as he saw the expression onKaren’s face.

236

Helena allowed herself to be led to thedancefloor by her erstwhile housemate, and swayedaround half-heartedly to Shiny Happy People,which she found hard to dance to at the best oftimes. Much as she would have hated to letMatthew down, Helena wished she hadn’t come.

On his return from a honeymoon spentadmiring Gaudi in Barcelona, Matthew began hisnew job as accountant for a children’s charity.Louise had been pushing him towards employmentsince he arrived in the capital the previous autumn,but although he agreed that it would undoubtedlybe relatively easy for him to get a job, he didn’twant to be rushed into a position with anothercorporate giant that he’d regret in a few months.The stint at the council had been refreshing afterhis qualifying years at a large firm, but Matthewhad no great desire to continue his career in localgovernment. Knowing from his last job-search thatcharity jobs seemed to turn up in reasonablenumbers in London, he sat back and waited forone that was close enough to walk to from his newhome.

During his unemployed months, Matthew hadtried to explore London, but it was so vast andbewildering that he gave up after a while andsettled for exploring the neighbourhood in whichhe now lived. Money was not so tight as to be a

237

worry — he wouldn’t have held out for a job thatwould soothe his conscience, if it was — but Louisestill seemed to begrudge him every afternoon visitto the local arthouse cinema, every second-handbook from the market, and every CD that replacedan album he’d been forced to leave in Helena’scustody.

It was a relief to be working again, partlybecause he was running out of things to do, andpartly because he thought it might ease some of thetension that had sprung up in his fledglingmarriage. It didn’t have any immediate effect, butgradually their swelling bank account seemed topacify Louise and they fell back into anapproximation of the harmonious state that hadexisted for a while when Matthew first arrived inLondon, before Louise implicitly labelled him aburden.

238

Chapter 27Filling in

On her return from London, Helena phonedher former housemate Jilly to moan about thesnobbish atmosphere at Matthew’s wedding andelicit some sympathy. The very fact that it wasn’tMatthew to whom she was pouring out her heartgave Helena a small stab of regret, but apart fromthe fact that he was on his way to Spain, she couldhardly ring him up to complain about his own wifeand newly-acquired relations.

Helena found she’d been phoning Matthew lessand less as the months went by, and it upset her tothink that one day they might just drift apart.Louise was part of the reason, of course: Helenadreaded her answering the phone, feelingcompelled to engage in icily polite small-talk untilMatthew arrived to take up the receiver. Aside fromthat, though, Helena was discovering that she andMatthew actually had little in common; theirfriendship had been built on chatty companionshipand shared jokes, which worked brilliantly in thesame room where spontaneity was feasible, but notso well when you had to make a phonecall and thecontext was missing.

239

Into the void had come Jilly, the replacementhousemate Matthew had engaged before he left. Atfirst Helena had resented Jilly for not beingMatthew and daring to take his place; everythingJilly did or said was wrong, simply because it wasn’tthe way Matthew would have done it. After acouple of weeks, however, Helena grudginglyadmitted that Matthew had chosen well, and whileher friendship with Jilly would never come close tothat which she shared with Matthew, neverthelessthey did become friends.

Though she’d never met Louise, Jilly had metplenty of people whose personalities fit Helena’sdescription of her, and she could imagine how bada wedding reception populated with variations onthat theme would be. She made generallysympathetic noises for a while, then decidedHelena might do better with positive action thanempty words.

“Listen, instead of running up your phone billand sitting in by yourself all night, why don’t youcome over?” suggested Jilly.

“Oh, I don’t know, I should have a bath and anearly night,” countered Helena. “It was a longdrive.”

“Ed’s coming round in a while,” added Jilly. “Well…OK, see you in a bit.”When Jilly had moved into Matthew’s old

240

room, she had only intended it as a temporarymeasure, and since Helena had been reluctant toremain in the house without Matthew anyway, thetwo of them had gone their separate ways in Marchwhen the lease expired. Helena was now the proudand lonely owner of a two-bedroomed house on anew estate in the suburbs, far enough from themain road for her small garden to be shelteredfrom traffic noise. Of course it was also far enoughfrom the main road for catching a bus to be anuisance, and evenings like this made Helenarenew her promise to herself to buy a car as soon aspossible.

Jilly had a Mini Metro, but no real use for itsince she lived on the fringes of the city centre. Ayear or so older than Helena, Jilly had been takingup a post at the university Keith had presumablylong since left, and now shared a house with a PhDstudent and another postdoc. They were all in thedepartment of business and management, whichwas about as far removed from Keith and his peacestudies as it was possible to be; even if he hadn’tmoved on, Helena was unlikely to come intorenewed contact with her ex-boyfriend. Why sheshould feel so relieved about that, Helena couldn’tsay.

She arrived at Jilly’s house to find Ed alreadyholding forth on the subject of income tax.

241

“Helena, you’re an accountant,” he said by wayof greeting, before soliciting her opinion on somenew theory of his.

Ed was writing up his PhD in economics, andthough Helena never thought she’d want to haveanything more to do with students, Ed was goodcompany; Helena was glad Jilly had struck up aconversation with him at a seminar and taken tohanging around with him.

“Let me get my coat off first,” laughed Helena.“Yes, be gentle with her,” put in Jilly on her way

out of the room. “The poor thing’s had a traumaticwedding to get through already this weekend.”

“I had no idea you were getting married,”grinned Ed. “Congratulations.”

“Ugh! If yesterday was anything to go by, I’mnot sure I’d want to,” said Helena, flopping ontothe sofa beside Ed. “Even if you find the rightperson, you have to take on all their dreadfulrelatives too.”

“It’s OK,” he whispered conspiratorially, “I’mnot in touch with any of my family: no tieswhatsoever.”

Helena laughed and so did Ed, but she couldn’tlook directly at him as she did so, and she felt hercheeks begin to flush.

The evening’s socialising made Helena feelmuch better, but she was still tired by the long

242

journey, and it was barely ten o’clock when shelevered her weary self from Jilly’s sagging sofa andtook her leave. She hadn’t reached the front doorbefore Ed was beside her, carrying his jacket.

“Poor Jilly must think it’s something she said.”“Well, you leaving made me realise what time it

is,” explained Ed. Helena looked unconvinced.“OK, I thought I’d be chivalrous and see you to thebus. Or is that enough to bring down feministwrath?”

“If we agree to call it friendly concern ratherthan chivalry, I think I can let it pass.”

They walked all of a hundred yards to the bus-stop and Helena leaned against the pole, half-wishing she’d had the bath and the early nightinstead of fugging her brain with intellectualconversation and cheap alcohol.

“It’s not very far to see me, is it?” she said whenthe silence began to make itself obvious.

Ed smiled and shrugged, and hesitantly beganto lean towards her. For a split second, Helena sawa flash of a long-ago night after a Christmas party,when a passing drunk had saved her from makinga colossal fool of herself. She must have pulled aface or made a noise because Ed suddenly stoppedand looked wary. Thankfully, however, Ed was notMatthew, and neither was Helena currentlyentangled with anyone else.

243

“Nothing, doesn’t matter,” she smiled, and Edcontinued his interrupted manoeuvre.

On their return from honeymoon, Matthewand Louise were invited to several dinner partiesby friends and colleagues. Or at least by Louise’sfriends and colleagues; Matthew couldn’t imaginehis colleagues throwing dinner parties, and he hadyet to make any new friends. Prior to the weddingthere had been no similar invitations as far asMatthew knew: whether marriage suddenly madethem into respectable guests or the parties wereintended to be celebratory he couldn’t say. Ofcourse, Louise had previously been inclined tokeep him in the background if possible, so she mayhave simply declined all offers without telling him;she hadn’t liked admitting that her fiancé had nojob. Now that he was gainfully employed, andthey’d gone through the expensive business withthe church and the cake, Louise seemed genuinelyhappy to be able to show him off. Matthewattributed her former reluctance to a traditionalbackground and the financial pressures ofestablishing a new home for both of them with onlyher income, though he never said so to Helena ashe could imagine all too clearly her snort ofderision.

For the first dinner party, Matthew was almostexcited, certainly intrigued. He got an excuse to

244

dress up and show off his elegant wife, there wasfree food, and he was eager to try his hand atdinner party conversation, including as many linesfrom familiar cinematic and literary dinner partiesas he felt he could get away with. In short, helooked forward to an entertaining evening of newexperiences.

In practice the evening was much lessinteresting; a handful of lawyers and their spouses,who were either lawyers themselves or at leastfound the profession endlessly fascinating,discussed cases and office politics over a badly-cooked but undoubtedly expensive shop-boughtmeal. When the host finally rememberedMatthew’s presence and asked what he did for aliving, he seemed nonplussed by Matthew’sdeclaration that he worked for a charity. It was onlywhen Louise stepped in and pointed out thatMatthew was in fact an accountant that browscleared and the conversation began to flow again,now focusing on accountancy firms such as the oneMatthew had been so eager to leave. Matthew wasnot surprised to note that no-one seemed torecognise any of his borrowings from Shaw orWilde.

The second gathering was much the same asthe first, with only a change of cast. The food wasmarginally more edible and there was more wine

245

for Matthew to devote his attention to during theboring anecdotes at which Louise laughed dutifully.By the third party, a couple of weeks later, Matthewknew what to expect, and amused himself byreplying to every question with a line from adifferent film. Since he was mostly overlooked,there were few questions, but unfortunately Louiserecognised the beginning of a monologue from aWoody Allen film, and cut him short with a swiftkick to the shin. Once they were safely in theprivacy of their own kitchen that night, Louise tookhim to task:

“What exactly were you playing at? Do you likemaking me look a fool?”

“No-one else noticed, they’ve probably neverwatched a comedy in their lives,” Matthew replied,petulant with wine and boredom.

“No, everyone else was too polite to notice. Youjust want to cause trouble. Why can’t you tellpeople you’re an accountant when they ask, insteadof banging on about your charity?”

“Banging on…? I happen to be proud ofworking for a charity, thank you. If I say I’m anaccountant they’ll think I’m one of those overpaididiots they play golf with at the weekends.”

“Well what’s wrong with that? It doesn’t matter,does it? They’ll ask, you’ll say you’re an accountantand the conversation will move on.”

246

“Of course it matters; I don’t want your friendsgetting the wrong impression.”

Louise said nothing, apparently concentratinghard at picking an overlooked splash of driedcheese sauce from the edge of the hob with a finelymanicured nail.

“You’re ashamed of me, aren’t you?” demandedMatthew.

“No of course not,” she replied, still picking.“Look at me and say that.” He waited but there

was no answer. “Fine. I hate all those city lawyerfriends of yours, they’re not too keen on me, you’reashamed of me because I have a conscience…Great, I won’t go to any more of your excruciatingdinners, that’ll suit all of us.”

“Oh come on, Matthew…” she began, butMatthew was already closing the bedroom doorbehind him.

247

Chapter 28Dr Ed

It was the end of the summer before Louise wasinvited to another lawyers’ dinner, and much to herannoyance Matthew stuck to his position andsimply refused to go. Right up until the momentthat she checked her watch and realised she had toleave immediately or be late, Louise was bankingon Matthew making his stand and then backingdown and going with her. She was not pleasedwhen she finally realised he was serious and shehad to start thinking up plausible excuses for hisnon-attendance.

As soon as the door slammed unnecessarilyloudly behind his furious wife, Matthew feltmiserable and wished he’d given in; it was only adull evening in a tie, after all. Desperate foraffirmation, he flopped onto the sofa with thecordless phone and rang Helena.

“Hello?”“Hi. I thought I’d check you weren’t having as

bad an evening as I am.”“Matthew!” exclaimed Helena delightedly. “I

haven’t heard from you in ages. What’s wrong?”Wondering as he did so if he’d just been

248

unreasonable and childish, Matthew explainedabout the series of uncomfortable evenings he’dspent with Louise’s friends and colleagues in thelead-up to his refusal to attend any similar events inthe future. Luckily, Helena seemed sympathetic:she had been to plenty of dinner parties, and whileshe occasionally resented the choice of ‘spare man’that had been made to accompany her as the onlyunattached woman, she had never considered thepartners who knew nobody and were excludedfrom so much of the conversation.

“I’m sure Louise’ll be annoyed at having tocover for you tonight, but really it’s her own faultfor not listening to you before.”

“What are you up to tonight, anyway?” askedMatthew, glad once more that he’d held firmagainst Louise’s persuasion.

“Not much. Ed’s coming round for dinner, Iwas just slicing peppers when you rang.”

“Oh, I’d better let you go then,” said Matthew,disappointed that he wouldn’t get the chance tochat to Helena while Louise was out.

“Don’t be silly, Matthew: Ed won’t starve if hehas to wait half an hour for food.”

Cheered up and relaxed, Matthew happilyfilled Helena in on his life since they’d last spoken,and was most amused to hear that Helena was stilldating Jilly’s PhD student friend. When the

249

conversation ended twenty minutes later, Matthewsauntered around his flat with a smile on his face,while Helena bounded back into her kitchen,relieved that they weren’t drifting apart as quicklyas she’d feared.

Helena had barely resumed cooking when Edarrived, early as usual. In contrast to the laid-backPeter, Ed was eager, earnest and ambitious, whichin Helena’s view more than made up for the factthat he was a student with next to no money, livingin a shared house. Matthew wasn’t the only personto have commented on her dating a student, butEd’s plans seemed to involve entering the world ofbusiness the moment his thesis was complete, andrising up the corporate ladder as soon as possible.Helena saw no problem with this, and since histhesis was all but written up, she was sure she couldput up with the jibes until then.

Helena had found that spending time with Jillyand her friends, and particularly seeing Ed, hadraised the level of her conversation and indeedthought. She was surprised to find that she’d beenbuying less in the way of glossy magazines, andmore broadsheet newspapers lately, and shewondered which of them was the real Helena.Aside from the intellectual benefits though, Ed alsoseemed to like the same rubbish films as Helena,the ones that Jilly would always refuse to watch,

250

and he was happy to eat the spare mushroomswhen they went out for dinner. He couldn’t be saidto be as interesting as Peter, but then the aspects ofPeter that had made him interesting had also madehim a less than perfect boyfriend, and at least Edwas much more fun to be around than Gavin.

As Helena finished the last of her meal, Edpushed his plate away and poured more wine forthem both.

“Now for some good news,” he said.Helena picked up her glass and looked at him

with a questioning smile.“I’ve been offered a job,” Ed began.“Oh that’s brilliant, well done!”“At Harvard.”“What?” Helena’s joyful smile slipped away and

she put her glass down mid-toast. “In America?”Ed nodded. “I’d have been mad not to take it.”“But I thought you didn’t want to stay in

academia, I thought you said…”“Yes, I know what I said. But Harvard! You

have to admit it’s pretty exciting.”Helena was not about to admit anything of the

sort. “Hang on, you would have been mad not totake it? You’ve accepted then?”

“I didn’t want to tell you until it was definite,”Ed explained, looking down at the table. “I canstart at the beginning of October, or as soon as I

251

can get all the paperwork done.”Helena nodded. “Oh.”“Aren’t you even a tiny bit happy for me?”

pleaded Ed, aware that the good news he hadpromised didn’t seem to have materialised.

“Yes, it’s a great opportunity, I hope you doreally well. I’ll go make some coffee.”

As Helena got up from the table, Ed realisedthat what they’d had was now broken, and Helenawondered if she’d have time to phone Matthewbefore Louise returned home.

In the remaining weeks before Ed left forAmerica, Helena continued to spend time withhim, though purely on a platonic basis. She wasmore upset about the way he had told her thanabout the fact of his going, after all she hadn’tenvisaged them being together forever. Jilly,however, was upset at Ed’s departure, and she wasalso annoyed that Helena hadn’t been moreenthusiastic about Ed’s success; Helena hadmanaged to break a relationship and one of herfew friendships in one move.

More than ever, she wished Matthew was stillclose at hand. No matter what dreadful boyfriendshe’d introduced him to, how snappy she’d beenwhen he’d eaten all her biscuits, or how much she’dtaken him for granted, Matthew had still beenthere, his usual smilingly cynical self. She

252

overlooked all his bad moods, the rows they’d hadwhen they shared a house, even his appalling tastein women, as she sat alone on a Sunday in mid-October, steadfastly not going to wave Ed off on histrain to the airport. Jilly had of course gone to say atearful goodbye to Ed, and Helena correctlyassumed that by not going with her she hadsevered the last of their connection.

Opening another packet of chocolate biscuits inher small kitchen, Helena even contemplatedvisiting her parents. She’d managed to break thehabit of regular Sunday dinners some time ago, butnow with nothing on TV, less on the radio, andonly her misery to keep her company, she almostsuccumbed to the urge. Then she thought abouther mother’s inevitable comments about Ed, andher father’s silent perusal of the Sunday paper,apparently oblivious to her presence, and shestayed at home and watched a film she’d seenbefore and hadn’t enjoyed.

253

Chapter 29Daddy’s little princess

Helena sat at home on Bonfire Night listeningto the sporadic banging and fizzing of fireworks onall sides. Even if she’d been in the mood forfireworks after a long day at work, there was no-one to go to a display with. She was tempted tophone Matthew, knowing that Louise wouldn’thave agreed to go to a bonfire with him, either,then she remembered that the charity he workedfor were having a fireworks party to raise money,and with or without Louise, Matthew would bethere.

Now that she no longer had Jilly and herfriends to turn to, Helena felt isolated living alone.She would chat to colleagues through the day, butonce she left work her evenings were invariablyempty and quiet. Not wanting to encounter Louise,or pester Matthew, she resisted the urge to phonehim nine times out of ten. Her few universityfriends had been allowed to drift away from herwhen she thought she didn’t need them any more,and the price of transatlantic phonecalls meant shecouldn’t even call Ed. He had sent her a postcardbearing his office phone number when he arrived,

254

but there was no return address and she wasn’tsure she wanted to write to him anyway.

The phone rang and snapped her out of hermelancholy. It turned out to be her mum,complaining endlessly without drawing breath,mainly about the fact that her dad ‘at his age’ hadbeen helping some of the neighbours break up apile of pallets to make a bonfire. Helena’s dad hadonly turned sixty-four on Wednesday, but suddenlyhe had become, in the eyes of her mother, an oldman ‘coming up for retirement’. Making the usualnoncommittal noises to show she was still there,Helena waited until her mum had finished, thenhung up and went straight upstairs for a long soakin the bath.

Monday showed every trademark of November:it was cold and misty, a watery sun strugglingthrough low cloud at lunchtime before being shutout once again. Helena’s day at work was littlebetter, the afternoon dragging excruciatinglythrough a pointless meeting full of buzzwords andflipcharts. At last when the working day was done,Helena felt like she’d earned some shopping time.She hurried out of the building, hoping to catchsome of the shops that closed at five-thirty or six.There was nothing she particularly wanted to buybut going straight home to an empty house didn’tappeal to her in her present state of drained

255

boredom. She wandered through a largely-emptydepartment store, fingering scarves and inspectingshoes, but left empty-handed. She began to headdown the hill to the other big department storewhen she realised something in the distance didn’tlook right.

Slightly closer, but not close enough to seeblood if there was any, Helena could see that asingle-decker bus had driven right through a shop-front. It was on the corner, but it wasn’t aparticularly tight turn, and she could only assumethat the steering or brakes had gone wrongsomehow. She stared in morbid fascination for afew more moments before she turned back up thehill, hoping that no-one had been hurt, particularlysince the driver was likely to be someone her dadknew, but not wanting to find out either way.

When Helena eventually arrived home, havingcalled in for a salad at a bar on the way, she’d beenaway from work nearly two hours. She wassurprised to see her answering-machine blinkingfrantically at her in the hallway, to inform her thattwelve calls had been missed. Before she’d finishedtaking her coat off, the phone rang again.

“Oh Helena, where are you?” her mother’svoice wailed through the speaker.

“What? What’s wrong?” shouted Helena as shegrabbed the handset, one arm still in her

256

coatsleeve.Helena’s mum burst into tears and Helena

froze, a sick feeling sweeping through her androbbing her of the use of her legs. She knewsomething must have happened to her dad, thatmuch was clear as she landed on the carpet with apainful jolt, but she never connected the facts.Helena had to be told by her mother that the busshe'd seen in the shop window had been driven byher father, who had lost control of it as he suffereda heart-attack. There seemed to be some debatewhether the heart attack had killed him or thecrash, not that it mattered now. They sat at eitherend of the phone-line, mother and daughter, notspeaking only crying at each other. Helena knewshe had to pull herself together enough to go toher mum, but was reluctant to put the phone downand be left alone in silence.

The following morning, having spent a restlessnight in her old bedroom listening to her mothersobbing through the thin wall, Helena paddeddownstairs at six-thirty, craving coffee. She hadbeen trying to remember what her last words toher dad were. She had an idea they were probably‘is mum there?’, on the phone over the weekend. Ifshe’d known that was the last time she’d speak tohim, would she have been able to come up withanything more fitting? She wept silently into her

257

mug, barely noticing the tears sliding down the sideof her nose, and tried to think practically. She hadno aunts, uncles, or cousins, though she had anidea her dad was in touch with a cousin of his,enough to exchange Christmas cards; theyprobably wouldn’t come to the funeral but they’dneed to be told. His employers obviously alreadyknew, so that left a few neighbours and old friends.Later she’d need to help her mum sort out all theinsurance and bank accounts, but there wasn’tmuch she could do about that yet. She looked up atthe kitchen clock: almost seven, a respectableenough hour for phonecalls on a weekday.

“Hi Louise. Is Matthew there please? It’sHelena.”

She heard Louise grumbling as she passed thephone over, then Matthew’s sleepy voice said“Hello?”

“Hi Matthew. I’m sorry, I’ve woken you up,haven’t I?”

“Oh don’t worry, the clock radio’ll be comingon in…three minutes, anyway. What’s up?”

Matthew’s gentle concern unleashed moretears, and he could barely understand the fewwords Helena said.

“You what? Something’s happened to yourdad?”

“He had a heart-attack,” managed Helena at258

last.“Oh god, is he OK?”More tears in response.“Helena, I’m so sorry. I wish I could come up,

but…”“Yeah, I know, you’ve only just started that

job,” sniffled Helena. “I know it’s a long way tocome for the funeral, you’d probably need a coupleof days off. It’s OK.”

“I feel awful. Ring me whenever you need to,OK?” Matthew shushed his protesting wife. “How’syour mum doing?”

Helena spoke to Matthew for another fewminutes, long enough to calm down and feel likeshe wasn’t entirely alone. Her mum had retreatedinto herself the previous evening, lost in hermemories and forgetting that she wasn’t the onlymourner in the house. Matthew was glad thatHelena had chosen to phone him at such a time,but embarrassed and annoyed that Louise hadbeen so unpleasant, and he left for work in anirritable mood.

The funeral was a small, quiet affair, thecremation followed by sandwiches at Helena’sparents’ house. Or Helena’s mum’s house, as itnow was. When the last of the neighbours had leftafter earnestly pressing Mrs Robertshaw’s handsand swearing they’d do all they could to help,

259

Helena and her mother were left alone in thekitchen.

“That’ll be the last I’ll see of any of them,”snapped Helena’s mum as she sat down with a cupof tea. “Just you watch. They only ever wanted yourdad when they had a shelf to put up.”

“Mum, don’t start.”“He was a soft-hearted old fool, and they all

took him for a ride.” She dabbed at her eyes with alace-edged handkerchief bought for the occasion.“And who’s going to put my shelves up now?”

“I don’t think you need any new shelves,”pointed out Helena, hoping to stem the tide.

“Cousin Freda’s son-in-law does all the odd jobsaround the house for her, now.”

“Yes Mum, you said before.”“And at least she’s got her grandchildren to

bother about…”“Mum…” broke in Helena, warningly.“…unlike some of us, who have no-one.”“You’ve still got me, I don’t live very far away.”“Ah yes, but you’ve got your own life, haven’t

you? That’s why you’ve got that big house byyourself when there’s plenty of room for you here.”

Helena took a deep breath followed by a swig ofher tea. It had occurred to her over the precedingdays that both she and her mother were now thesole occupants of two-bedroomed houses, and only

260

a few miles apart. Her mum would inevitably feelvery lonely, and only a few days earlier Helena hadbeen brooding on her own isolation. While shewouldn’t want to move back into her old roomhere, she could invite her mum to come and livewith her, at least for a while. But once she wasthere, how could Helena ever reasonably ask her toleave again?

“Have you thought about getting a dog?” askedHelena, determined not to be drawn in.

The snort was answer enough, and Helenaknew she had successfully side-stepped the issue ofmoving back in with her mum. For now.

261

Chapter 30Together alone

Christmas that year was a subdued time ofawkward silences and uneaten sprouts. MrsRobertshaw had stoically tried to eat a couple, butshe’d only ever bought them for Frank. Helenakept quiet, allowing her mum to cope in whateverway she saw fit, thankful that the suggestions forsharing a house seemed to have been abandoned.The pair of them watched three days of ChristmasTV that Mr Robertshaw would have wanted towatch, rather than what they wanted to watch; asHelena’s mum said, she had the rest of her life todo what she wanted now, for this last Christmas shewould do things Frank’s way.

In the weeks after her dad’s death, Helena hadkept an eye on her mum as best she could, visitingeach weekend and phoning in the evenings. As wellas being of some help to her mum, it gave Helenasomething to focus on, and she was disappointedwhen her mum gradually re-established herindependence, politely refusing Helena’s offers oflifts to the supermarket, and invitations to dinner.On Christmas morning Helena’s mum announcedshe was going to church, though Helena couldn’t

262

remember her going before. Not wanting toremain in the house with the crushing absence ofher dad, Helena went with her. After the service,which seemed to have taken all day, a gaggle ofelderly widows gathered familiarly around MrsRobertshaw, and Helena realised that these werethe props that had replaced her to shore up hermum’s daily life. It seemed unfair that there was nosimilar support for Helena herself, but she wasassumed to be young and strong enough to pickherself up and struggle on, and so she did.

Helena spent New Year’s Eve at a party shedidn’t particularly enjoy, with people she barelyknew. The alternatives had been sitting alone inher house giving way to grief-stricken reflectionson the past year, or sitting in front of the TV at hermum’s house, while they both did so separately andtried not to let the other see.

New Year’s Day was a different matter entirely:this was the start of a year which her dad had beenlooking forward to, a year he had so many plansfor, leading up to his retirement, and a year hehadn’t reached. Helena had absentmindedly madeher way through half a bar of chocolate before sherealised she’d already broken her only resolution,and phoning Matthew seemed the obvious thing todo.

“How was your first Christmas with Louise?”263

“That was last year, but it was quite nice, thanksfor asking,” replied Matthew sarcastically.

“You knew what I meant: first Christmasmarried to Louise.”

“Oh, the first Christmas where I’m allowed togo to her work’s Christmas drinks party, I see. Itwas…busy.”

Louise had announced in early December thatunlike the previous Christmas which they hadspent in their own flat, feeding each other peanutsand drinking sparkling wine, this would be a familyChristmas. Matthew had soon discovered thatfamily Christmas meant staying with Louise’scousins in Buckinghamshire, while numerousfriends and relations called or were called upon.The phrase ‘Matthew won’t mind, will youdarling?’ became too familiar as Matthew was onetoo many to fit in the Range Rover for a trip out;left behind with Louise’s grandmother as the onlynon-riders in the house; shunted from bed to sofawhen Louise’s other cousin Hannah arrivedunexpectedly, or appointed chauffeur to Louise’saunt for the day.

“They didn’t have a telly, either. It’s a good jobI took a stack of books with me.”

“Oh, poor Matthew,” laughed Helena. “I don’tthink you missed much on the telly anyway: weseemed to watch the same films we saw last year.

264

Mind you, I think that was the idea.”“How’s your mum doing?”“Oh you know, bearing up. She’s started going

to church though, I ended up going with her onChristmas Day.”

“Really? That’s a bit…She didn’t used to bereligious, did she?”

“Don’t worry, she hasn’t gone mad. I don’tthink religion comes into it, to be honest. I thinkshe started going to the pensioners’ coffeemornings, and she’s been adopted by a gang of oldladies who gossip about everyone, and try andoutdo each other on son-in-law points.”

“You’ll have got a black mark there then.”Helena could practically hear Matthew’s grin overthe phone.

“Don’t you start,” she complained. “She’salready been telling me what a comfort CousinFreda’s grandchildren are to her, now she’s on herown.”

“If they’re so great, can’t she share CousinFreda’s?”

“You know, I don’t even remember her havinga cousin called Freda. I’m beginning to wonder ifshe’s making her up.”

A further half hour of chatter was brought to anabrupt end when Louise emerged from the bath tofind that Matthew was still on the phone and hadn’t

265

even unpacked their cases. With promises to keepin touch more often in the coming year, Helenarang off, alone again but not quite as lonely as shehad been an hour earlier.

By mid-January, Helena had fallen back intothe routine of work, and bought herself a Frenchimprovers’ book and cassette pack to occupy herevenings. She’d toyed with the idea of an eveningclass again, but apart from the fact that she didn’twant to bump into Peter, she’d never had a greatdeal of success with them as places to meet eligiblebachelors, and the cold weather and dark eveningswere off-putting. Now that she had her own car,she was getting used to returning home in herwarm cocoon after work, directly from one havenof central heating to another, and she couldn’t facestopping off at the college and waiting hours for ahot meal. She considered herself too old now to lastout an evening on one Danish pastry, with a bag ofchips on the way home.

Since Ed had left for Harvard, Helena hadbeen missing the intellectual stimulation of Jilly andher friends. Admittedly they’d had their share ofsilly evenings of beer and laughter, but she was sickof all her conversations at work revolving aroundlast night’s TV. Almost every one of her colleagueshad been to university, but Helena found itimpossible to goad them into intelligent discussions

266

about politics or world events; most of them didn’teven watch the news. The home French course hadbeen partly an effort to stop her brain from rottingany further, but it had also been a step on her wayto becoming an independent traveller, somethingshe’d thought about a lot more seriously since she’dknown Peter, though she’d hate to admit that Peterhad influenced her in any way. With her dad’sdeath scuppering his modest retirement dreams,Helena had realised that since she was earningreasonable money and had no ties, there wasnothing to stop her making the most of her lifewhile she still could.

267

Chapter 31Refreshing changes

After the Christmas decorations came down onTwelfth Night, Helena’s house seemed suddenlydrab. She hadn’t done any decorating since she’dmoved into the place the previous Spring, and nowshe belatedly felt an urge to make her mark. Onthe Friday evening after work, she paced thehouse, imagining colour schemes and calculatingbudgets, and decided to spend Saturday touringDIY shops. For some reason, the prospect ofredecorating the house from top to bottom excitedher, and she went to bed feeling quite bouncy.

She woke to a downturn in the already bleakweather, and her resolve faltered. Over breakfastshe sat by the window and watched the snowflakesgently fall into the garden. Somehow snow didn’tseem quite as much fun anymore; even a couple ofyears earlier she’d have watched in fascination,willing the snow to settle, marvelling at the totalblankness of the pale sky. Now she looked up andsaw depressing greyness, and the snowflakes weretoo small and wet, refusing to add to the slushyremnants of the overnight snowfall. Instead ofhoping it lasted, so everything remained quiet and

268

clean-looking, she was hoping it would be oversoon so she didn’t have to drive in it. She finallyunderstood why her dad always used to say she wasmad for wishing snow upon them. Theunderstanding, however, didn’t make her feel anybetter.

Mid-morning, the sky cleared briefly andHelena muffled herself in woolly layers and droveoff to a cluster of large DIY stores near her localsupermarket. In the second one, she abandonedher plan to revamp the whole house, overwhelmedby all the work and expense she realised would beinvolved. What she really wanted was pastelwallpaper with metallic accents, but apart from theoff-putting price, there was the problem of how toapply it when she was by herself. Getting adecorator seemed a bit of an extravagance, so shelimited herself to paint, but that didn’t seem assophisticated as rolls of wallpaper and borderstrips, and her enthusiasm had waned dramaticallyby the time she left with three tins of emulsion anda packet of brushes.

Attracted by the large sale signs she saw as shewas stowing her purchases in the boot of the car,Helena strolled into the electrical showroom nextdoor to see if a toaster that matched her colourscheme might cheer her up again. Before she’deven reached the kettles and toasters, however,

269

Helena’s attention had been captured by the row ofgleaming dishwashers.

From the pages of the glossy magazines she stilloccasionally read, Helena had gathered that hercontemporaries all had dishwashers in their state-of-the-art kitchens, and she had been wonderinglately if it might be a good idea to get one herself.Living alone meant no washing-up rota, nohousemate to kindly do your washing-up whenyou’d been sneezing your head off for three soliddays, and worst of all, no-one to complain if you letyour dishes stack up all week because you weretired when you got home from work. For the sakeof basic hygiene, not to mention her manicurednails, Helena needed one of these devices.

There were few places in Helena’s kitchenwhere a new appliance would fit, and the plumbinglimited her choice further so that she waseffectively restricted to one model only. Shiny whiteand slim, she knew it would brighten her kitchenby its very presence, and given the discountedprice loudly trumpeted by the over-sized labelperched on top of it, she had to snap it upimmediately.

“That’s funny,” mused the woman at the till.“It’s not taking the discount off. It did have a salesticker on though, didn’t it?”

Helena agreed that it had, thinking of the large270

price label that had caught her eye.“No,” continued the woman, shaking her head,

“It won’t do it. I’ll have to call Mr Heptonstalland…Oh, he’s just there by the fridge-freezersactually. If you’d like to follow me…”

Helena dutifully followed, now hungry andwishing she’d gone straight home with her paint.Perhaps there was a lesson to be learned aboutimpulse-buying large kitchen appliances.

They located a tall man with ‘GrahamHeptonstall, Manager’ on a gold plastic name-badge pinned to his shirt. Helena felt like a sparepart, leaning against a chest freezer while theassistant looked eagerly up at her manager like apuppy waiting to be petted.

“Yes, Janine?” the manager asked briskly whenhe’d finished speaking to another sales assistant.

“This lady’s trying to buy a dishwasher, only thetill’s showing full price and it’s in the sale.”

He looked gravely at Helena, as though thiswere a deadly serious matter, and followed Janineto the offending item.

“Oh no, I see what’s happened. This is thenine-one-five,” he said, pointing to the card. “Whatyou’re looking at’s the nine-twenty. Should havebeen on this one over here.”

“Oh, I see,” said Helena, disappointed.Graham sized her up. “I could do you a good

271

deal on the Hotpoint,” he offered, slapping a beigebox that didn’t appear to be in the sale either.

“No, thank you but I haven’t got a lot of roomin my kitchen. That one was about the only onethat’d fit, I think, but it’s a bit more than I wasexpecting to pay.”

“Sorry about that, it was a bit misleading butthe model number was clearly stated on the card,”he pointed out, then added with a smile: “If you’refree later I could always buy you a drink to makeup for it.”

Helena smiled back, wondering how manytimes a week he tried that, and took her leave.

Over a late lunch, Helena opened a bottle ofwine and tried to re-enthuse herself aboutdecorating. She planned where to start and whichfurniture she needed to move first, and had everyintention of beginning immediately after her meal,with the French tape on so she could improve hermind at the same time as her living-room walls.Without quite knowing how it happened, though,she found herself on the sofa with another glass ofwine, dialling Matthew’s number.

“Hello,” she greeted Matthew when Louise hadpassed the phone over. “I’m hopelessly bored so Ithought I’d ring you.”

“Nice to know I’m right up there on the list: amI before or after defrosting the freezer?”

272

“Well you’re definitely before watching paintdry; I was supposed to be re-painting the walls thisafternoon but I haven’t quite worked up theenthusiasm yet.”

They laughed, and Matthew told her about thegig he’d been to the previous night.

“Do you know what the highlight of my weekwas? The manager of Currys asked me out when Iwas complaining about a dishwasher beingwrongly-priced.”

“He was probably just trying to stop youreporting him to head office.” Matthew paused,considered who he was speaking to and added“You didn’t say yes, did you?”

“Matthew, what do you take me for? No Ididn’t…He was quite cute though. Oh don’t sighlike that, I can see you rolling your eyes fromhere.”

“Well, honestly. Have you thought aboutgetting yourself a more rewarding job?”

“They reward me plenty, thank you. And thesedays I get to sit and eat biscuits in meetings most ofthe time, I hardly do any proper work at all.”

“There’s more to life than money.”“You really like your job don’t you?”“There’s no prospect for advancement, there’s

practically no-one to talk to all day; I’m lovingevery minute of it. Actually I might be getting an

273

assistant soon, they’re putting an advert out nextweek.”

“Then where will you be? He’ll be after yourjob.”

“You never know, I might get head-hunted byDr Barnardo’s.” Matthew smiled at Helena’sunwarranted shriek of laughter and was glad she’dphoned. He really was beginning to worry abouther being on her own all the time.

274

Chapter 32Buddying up

A few Saturdays later, Helena had called in tosee her mum on the way to the supermarket,though in fact it was quite a detour. She couldn’tdecide whether her mum had aged since her dad’sdeath, or whether her failing capabilities weremore noticeable, but she was growing concernedabout her mum’s ability to manage on her own.The house invariably felt like a sauna to Helena,wilting in a thin shirt while her mum wrappedherself in a twinset and sheepskin slippers, and sheseemed slower and more clumsy. To save hermum’s pride, Helena had taken to buying two ofevery gadget she thought her mum could use, andmaking a show of finding it invaluable in her ownhouse. She was slowly amassing a shelf full ofcomplicated tin-openers and devices for taking lidsoff jars, but at least her mum seemed to be usinghers.

On this visit, Helena had noticed how old andworn the toaster looked, and she doubted her mumneeded four-slice capacity any more. She wasalready parked in the supermarket car park whenshe thought about the Currys over the road, and it

275

hadn’t even occurred to her that the manager hadchatted her up last time she went in.

The sale was no longer on, of course, butHelena still took a slow walk up the aisle ofdishwashers just in case there was some specialoffer.

“Talked yourself round?” said a voice behindher, suddenly. Helena spun round to see the goldplastic of ‘Graham Heptonstall, Manager’, andfurther up, his smiling face.

“No, not yet,” she replied. “I actually came infor a toaster.”

Twenty minutes later, Helena left the shop,grinning like an idiot, with a brand new toasterunder her arm. She’d spent more than she meantto, and all the settings and dials would only confuseher mum, but she could always keep the newtoaster for herself and give her mum her old one.What mattered now was that Helena had agreed tomeet Graham in a pub at seven o’clock. Shebeamed at everyone, humming under her breath,as she shopped for groceries.

Two evenings in pubs with Graham showing offhis knowledge of European beers, and a Sundayafternoon at the cinema watching a film he didn’tenjoy but didn’t complain about, and Helena beganto think that Graham was exactly what she needed.He was confident and ambitious without being

276

arrogant, thoughtful without being cloying, and hemade her laugh. Having neglected Matthewdreadfully over the past few weeks, Helena calledhim after work one Wednesday to tell him how heryear had picked up.

“Would I actually like him though?” askedMatthew after Helena had asserted this opinion ofGraham.

“Matthew, you don’t actually like anybody.”“That’s not true!” he retorted merrily, and

Helena prepared to accept a rare complimentgraciously. “I like my new assistant.”

“Oh. You got your assistant then? Still hangingonto your job?”

“Barely; she’s going to be hard to keep aheadof, she’s too damned enthusiastic abouteverything.”

“Well she can’t be that bad, if she features onthe Officially Approved by Matthew list.”

“No, aside from the competitive streak she’sfine. She has exceptional taste in music, whichhelps: we’ve been to three gigs already, and she’sonly been here a couple of weeks.”

“Oh yes,” commented Helena, archly.“There’s nothing going on: we’re gigging

buddies, that’s all.”“Gigging buddies?” exclaimed Helena with an

incredulous laugh. “Is she by any chance younger277

than you?”“A bit, why?”“Oh, nothing. And Louise is okay with this, is

she? I mean, she never exactly approved of youspending time with me.”

“Well that’s the thing,” said Matthew, soundingbemused. “Sam’s not a gender-specific name, is it?So Louise keeps saying things like ‘where are youmeeting him’, and I corrected her the first fewtimes, but I think she just kind of switches off whenI’m talking about anything to do with work, so…”

“So you’re happy to let her go on thinking thatyour new ‘buddy’ is male?”

“More or less. I told you, there’s nothing goingon. Anyway, she’s a bit on the chunky side and she’sgot hairy arms.”

“You don’t change, do you?” laughed Helena. Feeling brighter and more confident now she

had a boyfriend again, Helena decided to capitaliseon her mood and organise a solo summer holidaybefore she got tangled up with Graham and endedup staying at home or making a couple’scompromise. Eager to try out her new improvedFrench skills, and longing for some romanticsophistication, even if she would be on her own,she plumped for a week in Paris. Hardlybackpacking through the Amazon basin, but shesaw no need to slum it if she didn’t have to, and she

278

was hoping to make some excursions by train,which she counted as off the beaten trackcompared with Paris itself. If the French trip inJune was a success, she could always go somewhereelse later in the year.

Matthew was at least more sympathetic thanGraham had been when Helena returned fromParis vowing never to go abroad alone again,although he did laugh when she told him aboutcatching a train back to Paris by accident when shemeant to make an onward connection. As she said,her French may have been impeccable when shebought her ticket, but understanding theexplanations about a train failure and rerouting ofservices had obviously been beyond her. Grahamhad only reiterated his view that they should havegone to Paris together, and couldn’t be made tounderstand Helena’s feelings on the matter.

Her holiday hadn’t been as successful as she’dhoped, but at least there was a visit from Matthewto look forward to, as he and Louise were spendingAugust bank holiday weekend with Louise’sparents. Louise had even been persuaded to takethe Friday and Tuesday off work to make it areasonable break, and Helena was planning abarbecue on the Saturday lunchtime, with Martin,Karen and George also invited. She had wantedGraham to be there: Matthew didn’t venture north

279

very often and it seemed important for them tomeet, but bank holiday weekends were a busy timeand Graham wasn’t happy about taking the day off.Helena was disappointed, but there would be otheropportunities.

The night before the barbecue, Helena couldbarely sleep, it was worse than Christmas Eve everwas as a child. She hadn’t seen Matthew for ages,and she was worried that there might be too muchof a gulf between them. For a while, she’d beenafraid that Sam might usurp her, but that easedwhen Louise was still unfazed once she’d met Samand realised her mistake, whereas she’d alwaysbeen jealous of any time Matthew spent withHelena. The fact that Louise would be coming tothe house bothered Helena, though, and she’dspent each evening that week cleaning manically,despite the house being clean already. At six-thirtyshe gave up on sleep and started preparingrefreshments.

Martin and Karen were already in the backgarden watching George run after butterflies whenMatthew arrived, which meant that after thebriefest of greetings, Helena could leave Louisewith them while Matthew got the grand tour. Hegleefully pointed out patches of wall that Helenahad made a mess of when she repainted, and in amatter of minutes it was as though they’d never

280

been apart.Half an hour later, Helena was enjoying one of

the nicest days she could remember. Karen wassunbathing on a bath-towel on the small patio,while Martin and Matthew played football withGeorge. Or possibly played football together whileGeorge ran around them, Helena couldn’t quitetell, but either way it made for entertainingviewing. Even Louise had kindly volunteered tomake a salad dressing, though whether that wassome kind of snub in itself, or an opportunity tonose around the kitchen and sneer at the whitebread and pickled onions in the cupboard, Helenawouldn’t like to say.

“I’ve thought of something I’d like forChristmas,” announced Matthew with a grin asLouise emerged with the salad.

“Oh yes?” ventured Louise, smiling back.“I want a George.”“Not a chance!” responded Louise vehemently.Helena thought this an unnecessarily harsh

retort to a playful suggestion, and she expectedMatthew to retaliate in some way. When sheglanced across at him, however, he looked subduedand uncomfortable, and she made a great fuss overdishing out sausages, as a general distraction.

281

Chapter 33Pushing thirty

It wasn’t until the following Spring thatMatthew was introduced to Graham. Helena hadbeen whisked down to London for the weekend asa surprise, but she’d phoned Matthew at the firstopportunity, and on Sunday morning, after anexpensive dinner and a West End show the nightbefore, Helena and Graham met up with him in acafé. Matthew wasn’t exactly impressed by Helena’slatest boyfriend but he’d seen worse, and Grahamwas easy-going enough to get on with Matthewthough they had little in common. Louise was notpresent as she’d insisted on spending time on thework she’d brought home with her, as she hadunfortunately developed a habit of doing. Helenawas secretly relieved she didn’t have to spend themorning with her, and if truth be told, so wasMatthew.

It would be unfair to say that Matthew wasregretting his marriage; his feelings for Louisewere still strong and affectionate, but the lack ofgeographical distance between them since his moveto London seemed to have been compensated bygreater emotional distance. He knew Louise’s work

282

was important to her, and that she had onlyrecently finished her training and become a fullyqualified solicitor, but he was beginning to feel likehe may as well have stayed where he was andcontinued to see her every other weekend, for allthe attention she gave him. He was still going togigs with Sam, but it wasn’t the same since she’dstarted bringing her boyfriend along, and Matthewwas feeling like a spare part. It didn’t help that he’dturned twenty-nine that week.

“So how does it feel then, to be sliding downhilltowards thirty?” asked Helena with a grin, whenthe small-talk about the trip had petered out.

“Bugger off,” replied Matthew good-humouredly. “It’ll come to you before long, justremember that before you start making snideremarks, madam.”

“Thirty’s no big deal,” commented Graham,already thirty-two and comfortable with it. “Anexcuse for a party, maybe, but you don’t go greyovernight, you know.”

“Thirty just seems such a responsible age,” saidHelena. “It sounds like you should be someone’sdad, wearing a cardie and slippers, and trimmingthe hedge on Sundays.”

“I’ve been wearing a cardie and slippers foryears,” Matthew pointed out. “I’m not likely to beable to afford a hedge to trim, round here, and I

283

can’t see Louise agreeing to the ‘someone’s dad’part for a while.”

“Shame, you’d make a fun dad, I think.”“I thought Matthew was your friend,” said

Graham with a laugh. “Why do you want to wish athing like that on him?”

“I don’t mind,” said Matthew. “I’d quite like tobe someone’s dad, if only for an excuse to wear mycardie and slippers in peace. But Louise is onlytwenty-five.”

“Martin was twenty-five when Karen gotpregnant,” said Helena. “It’s probably better thanbeing nearly forty, like my parents were. When Iwas little everyone else’s parents were loadsyounger than mine, and they used to do all sorts ofenergetic things in the holidays.”

“Whereas my parents were nearly forty when Iwent to university,” said Matthew.

“Really? I didn’t know your mum was only inher forties,” said Helena, then realising what she’dsaid, added “I mean, I hadn’t really thought aboutit, but…”

“It’s all the sunbathing,” replied Matthew drily.“She was nineteen when they got married, twentywhen I was born. So by the time I was about readyto move out, they were still young enough to go offand have a life of their own.”

“Well, that’s one way of doing it,” commented284

Graham, “But personally I’d prefer to have my lifefirst, and if I’m going to have kids I’ll do it whenI’m ready to switch off.”

They argued good-naturedly for a while aboutfamilies and responsibility, then chatted untillunchtime, when Matthew excused himself andreturned home. Louise barely looked up from thefiles strewn across the table, and only reached onearm behind her in a half-hearted hug whenMatthew nuzzled her neck in greeting.

“Louise,” he began, “Weasel?”“Don’t call me Weasel, Matthew, it’s awful,” she

complained.“Well listen to me then.”“I am listening,” she replied, still concentrating

on the paperwork in front of her.“I’m not sure you are, but anyway…Do you

think turning thirty makes me sound like I shouldbe someone’s dad, in a cardigan and slippers?”

“You were in a cardigan and slippers on ourhoneymoon, darling, you’ve probably worncardigans and slippers all your life. When you’renot in your gigging gear.”

Louise often gently mocked Matthew for theoutfits he wore on his nights out with Sam, but hewasn’t in the mood to be side-tracked.

“What about the bit about being someone’sdad?” he persisted.

285

“Age doesn’t really come into it with men, doesit? You can leave it as late as you like.”

“What if I don’t want to leave it very late?”“Matthew, I’m trying to work.”Taking this as both an immediate dismissal and

an answer to his question, Matthew retreated to thebedroom with a book.

The conversation with Matthew in London hadmade Helena think deeply about where she wasand where she wanted to be. Not that she wantedany children just yet, but with her twenty-eighthbirthday fast approaching, she was aware that itwasn’t unreasonable to want to settle down. She’dalready been with Graham for over a year, whichwas at least twice as long as she’d been with anyonesince she’d split up with Keith, and since they eachhad stable, well-paid jobs and their own house andcar, she could see no reason why they shouldn’tpool their resources. She wasn’t sure she’d want togo quite as far as marriage, yet.

Luckily for Helena, since she was havingtrouble finding a good way of broaching the subjectof joint mortgages with Graham, his mind hadbeen working on similar lines. It was after they hadbeen out for dinner on Helena’s birthday thatGraham finally suggested they should move intogether, and in a matter of days they had startedhouse-hunting.

286

Matthew wasn’t as excited for her as Helenahad hoped, but he was about as cynical as she’dexpected.

“All I’m saying is, make sure he makes a will.”“Oh Matthew, you’re such a romantic soul,”

said Helena with mocking tenderness.“Well it pays to think of the practicalities.

Speaking of which, you will make sure you’ve gotroom for my records, won’t you?” Matthew hadbeen hoping to retrieve his vinyl for the last twoand a half years, but since he and Louise were stillin their tiny flat, he hadn’t been able to.

“Yes Matthew, I’ll give them a bedroom all oftheir own, and if you come to stay you’ll be able tosleep with them.”

Helena’s mum wasn’t much more enthusiasticthan Matthew had been. True, Graham was capableof putting up shelves, but her wayward daughterwas insisting on living with him without gettingmarried first, which robbed Mrs Robertshaw of theson-in-law kudos. As she said countless times bothbefore and after Helena and Graham bought theirhouse, just because everyone else in thesebenighted times was doing it, didn’t mean Helenahad to. Helena was only concerned that her mum’svocabulary seemed to have been affected by therepeat visits to church.

Graham having the larger house, Helena287

gradually moved her things in and put her ownhouse on the market while they continued to lookfor a place of their own. She was amazed how muchjunk she’d accumulated in two years, and the moveprovided a good opportunity for a clear-out. Theyhad decided on the whole to use Graham’sfurniture, which was generally more expensivethan Helena’s, and in some cases also better made;the only item they bought together was a new bed,selling both their old ones as a gesture of union.

By late autumn with the paperwork signed andthe removal van booked, Helena and Graham werethe proud owners of a three-bedroomed bungalowin a leafy suburb. The split-level open-plan livingarea whispered sophistication to Helena’s terracedupbringing, and Graham liked the well-equippedkitchen and the flow of the space. He also liked thelarge courtyard in front of the house, where hecould show off his sports car to the neighbours.Helena’s mum begrudgingly offered to help themmove in, and though neither Helena nor Grahamparticularly wanted her to, her sense of dutywouldn’t allow her to be dissuaded. Sheunwrapped the new matching set of mugs in thekitchen as she watched the young couple messabout outside in the drizzle, tutting disapprovinglywhen Graham swept Helena up with a laugh andcarried her over the threshold.

288

Chapter 34Somebody’s dad

Living in the new house with Graham tooksome getting used to; it was Helena’s house, butshe couldn’t make arbitrary changes as the fancytook her, as she’d been able to when living alone. Itwas also a shared house, but she could hardly drawup rotas or strictly ration cupboard space as shehad at university or with Matthew. Still, she wasenjoying the learning process, and while she wasunlikely to admit it to anyone she even enjoyed thetrips to DIY shops and garden centres at theweekends, because it meant they were slowlymaking the new house their home.

Matthew was pleased to hear how happyHelena sounded when they spoke on the phone,though he laughed at her weekly lists of interiordecorating successes and soft furnishing purchases.His own home life hadn’t improved over the yearand he was slowly facing the possibility that hismarriage had been a mistake. Though he lovedLouise, and when he had her attention they hadsome good times, her career always came first, andwith the combination of working late at the office,bringing work home, and the out of hours activities

289

like training weekends, dinner parties andovernight stays when she visited another branch ofthe firm, Matthew’s role in the relationship wasreduced to overlooked housekeeper. Even theevenings with Sam and her fiancé had dwindledaway now that they were saving for their wedding.

Matters came to a head in mid-December.Matthew had spent most of November trying topersuade Louise to take a few days off beforeChristmas so they could spend some time together,just the two of them, somewhere empty like Devonor the Dales, before they spent Christmas in acrowd of Louise’s relatives. Louise had claimed tohave far too much work to get finished beforeChristmas, and when that excuse wore thin as sheslowed down in early December, she said it was tooshort notice. Tempers had been frayed, but ifanything Louise seemed to be getting snappier asthe month progressed, and Matthew was at a loss tounderstand it. A petty outburst over some forgottenleftovers at the back of the fridge provided the finalflash point.

“Does it matter?” asked Matthew, exasperated.“It hasn’t even started going mouldy.”

“That’s not the point, Matthew,” snappedLouise, close to tears.

“Is something getting you down at work?You’re allowed to talk to me; I know it’s an easy

290

thing to forget but we did get married a while ago.”“Work is fine, work is fantastic, thank you.”“So it’s something I’ve done, is it? Do I get any

hints?”“If you must know, I’m bloody pregnant,” she

shouted, and sat heavily on the edge of the sofa,sobbing.

Matthew stood open-mouthed for a moment,clingfilm-wrapped pineapple forgotten in his hand.

“Well what are you crying for, you idiot?” Hethrew the mushy fruit on the floor and launchedhimself at her, knocking her back into the cushionsin an enthusiastic embrace.

“Careful,” she cautioned, sitting up anddisengaging herself.

“Sorry,” said Matthew, patting her gently on theabdomen. “Don’t want to upset the baby. Our baby!Doesn’t that sound amazing?” He laughed, nearhysteria, and hugged her again.

“Don’t, Matthew, it makes it so much harder.”“Makes what harder?” asked Matthew, puzzled.“You know I’m not ready to have a baby yet; I

can’t let myself get attached.”“What?” Matthew floundered.“If I could have done it by myself I would have

spared you this, but I just couldn’t face going onmy own.” She started to cry again, and Matthewstood up and paced for a while.

291

“Let me get this straight,” he began. “You’retrying to tell me you want an abortion, when I’vebeen saying for months that maybe it’s about timewe started thinking about having kids?”

“Oh Christ, I knew I shouldn’t have told you,”wailed Louise.

“How could you not have told me?” “Matthew, we don’t have room here, we’d have

to find a bigger place. And children cost so muchmoney; we can’t afford to have it even if we wantedto.”

“We’ll manage somehow. We’re not doing sobad. Louise, this isn’t like deciding whether to takein a stray cat or not, you’re talking aboutmurdering my child.”

“Oh it’s yours now, is it? It was ours a minuteago. Who has to carry it for nine months? Whosecareer gets utterly fucked up? If I’d known I wasmarrying a Catholic, maybe I wouldn’t havebothered.”

Before Matthew could think of a suitable retort,the phone rang and he answered it withoutthinking. It was Helena, all bright and bouncy, andfull of the news of her recently-purchased coffeetable.

“We’ve got some news of our own,” saidMatthew quickly, ignoring the way Louise’s headsnapped up as he said it. “Louise is pregnant.”

292

“Oh Matthew, that’s fantastic! I’m so happy foryou,” gushed Helena. “When’s it due?”

“I don’t know, she’d only just told me when thephone rang, I’ll ring you later. Listen, don’t tellanyone yet, it’s early days.”

Helena agreed to keep it to herself and rangoff, leaving Matthew with the consequences of hisrash announcement. He hated himself for doing it,but he knew Louise’s hand had now been forced,and sometimes the end justifies the means. Thesilence hung heavily between Matthew and his wifein the small room, and the hate in Louise’s eyesmade him feel empty inside. Without a word, sheflounced into the bathroom and slammed the door,but Matthew held on tightly to the thought thatsome day soon she would look down into thesmiling face of their baby and thank him for this.

293

Chapter 35Preparations

Matthew’s dreaded thirtieth birthday turnedout to be one of the happiest of his life. Louise hadseen the abortion as an unfortunate necessity, butrobbed of any support Matthew could have givenher, and aware that Helena, who Matthew was soclose to, would know what she’d done and hate herfor it, she had reluctantly resigned herself topregnancy. By the time she reached twelve weeks atthe start of February and was reasonably safe to tellpeople, she was almost looking forward to having ababy. Matthew was dancing on air most of the time,planning and dreaming, and drawing up lists ofnames, in between the house viewings.

Fortuitously, Matthew’s birthday was a Sunday,and Helena, Graham, Martin and Karen travelleddown to spend the weekend with him, Georgehaving been left with Karen’s parents to make iteasier for school on Monday. Helena noticed thatLouise seemed more serene and ascribed it toimpending motherhood, though it was probablythe ante-natal yoga. Louise patiently bore all ofKaren’s well-meant advice, and Martin did his bestto pass on practical fatherhood tips to Matthew

294

without getting into trouble with Karen. Theweekend was relaxed and relaxing, and enjoyed byall parties.

Spending the weekend with Karen and Louisemade Helena feel vaguely broody, but there was nourgency behind it. She considered Graham aspotential father-material later in the week and wasgratified to realise that she saw him as a near-idealmate; though she wasn’t anxious to have childrenyet, an accidental pregnancy would no longer bethe end of the world. Graham still thoughtMatthew was mad to be so excited about havingchildren, but Helena reasoned that for Graham ababy would spell the end of his sports car and theannual Caribbean holiday; by the time she wasready, he would probably have come round to theidea.

Down in London, Matthew and Louise wereslowly clearing out and packing up. They hadfound a small house they could afford, though itneeded some work, and while it was further awayfrom both their workplaces, Matthew didn’t carebecause it was for a good cause, and Louise wasn’tthinking too deeply about it as she’d be onmaternity leave for a while anyway. Over thesummer she used up her remaining annual leave tohelp Matthew decorate and baby-proof their newhouse.

295

“Ow! Bollocks!” cried Matthew, dropping ahammer on his foot for the third time and hoppingon the spot.

“Matthew! He can hear you, you know,” chidedLouise, pausing with a paintbrush in her hand.“You’re going to have to stop that soon, babies pickup all sorts of words you don’t want them to.”

“Sorry.”They worked in silence for several minutes

until Matthew realised he’d attached the wrongpiece of skirting board to the wall.

“Oh, bu…bug-eyed monsters,” he complained.“Bug-eyed monsters?”“You said not to swear.”Louise laughed, but by the end of the

afternoon she wished she’d never said anything, asMatthew had exclaimed ever more bizarre phrases,from fossilized fish-hooks to blunderbus andlightning, and she wondered if he was going tokeep it up until the child reached adolescence andstarted swearing for himself. She sat back andsurveyed the patch of wall she’d been painting,trying to picture herself as the mother of anadolescent, and found she couldn’t do it. Theconcept of having a small baby to look after she hadjust about come to grips with; there were otherwomen of similar age at work with small childrenand they seemed to manage. Beyond that, though,

296

she couldn’t imagine, and neither could sheimagine waking up next to Matthew when he wasgrowing plump and grey. When she’d stood at thealtar and promised to be with him forever, she hadbeen too young to realise how long forever was.

As the summer wore on, Matthew counteddown the days to the due date with glee. Not onlywas he looking forward to being a dad, but afterthe inauspicious start this pregnancy seemed tohave revived their marriage, and life no longer feltas bleak. Louise had grown more calm and relaxed,concerned about the detrimental effects of stress onthe baby, and she’d slowed down a little at work,knowing there was no point vying for promotion atthe moment. Matthew thought that being awayfrom work for a year or so would improve Louise’stemperament no end, even though she’d insistedon keeping abreast of developments by having aweekly meeting with her boss throughout. Thoughhe hadn’t said anything to Louise yet, Matthew hadbeen wondering if they could manage financiallywith both of them working part-time, so that onceLouise was back at work they could share thechildcare burden, and also so that he wouldn’t missout on the baby’s development by being at work allthe time.

The middle of July arrived, and with it Louise’slast week at work. On the Friday evening she

297

arrived home hot and tired, and Matthew fussedaround her as she stripped off her blouse and suittrousers and propped herself on the sofa in herunderwear, sipping lemonade.

“At least you don’t have to worry about all thatfor another year,” said Matthew, sitting beside herand fanning her with a glossy magazine.

“It won’t be as bad next summer anyway,” shereplied, thinking he meant the long journey fromwork on a hot day.

“Well, you won’t be the size of a baby elephantnext summer I suppose. I hope. But no, I meantwork: that’s it for a year now.”

“Six months,” corrected Louise with a frown. “What? I thought you were allowed a year,”

said Matthew, confused.“I want to breastfeed for six months, then I’m

free to go back to work.”“Yes but surely if you can stay off for longer…”“Matthew, some of us enjoy our jobs.”“I enjoy my job,” protested Matthew. “That

hasn’t stopped me wondering about going part-time when you go back to work; if we were bothpart-time…”

“Matthew! We can’t afford to halve our income!We’ll have an extra mouth to feed, or had youforgotten why I was the size of a baby elephant, asyou so sensitively put it.”

298

“OK, but maybe I could work from home acouple of days a week or something.”

“That’s not fair; you’d get to spend more timewith him than I would, if I was working full-time.”

“What’s fair got to do with it? The point is, he’dbe at home with me instead of in a nursery orwhatever, being looked after by a stranger.”

“It helps with social skills. Look! I don’t want toargue. I’m tired, I’m uncomfortable and I’ve had along day at work.”

Louise grabbed the remote control andswitched the TV on, leaving Matthew to bite backhis arguments and save them for another day. Sixmonths was a long time in which to change hermind.

299

Chapter 36The calm before the storm

Helena and Graham had left for a fortnight’sholiday a couple of days after Louise’s due date,and by the time they returned, Thomas EdwardArmitage was ten days old and a photograph of hiswrinkled red face was waiting for them on thedoormat. Graham had been somewhat disgruntledby Helena’s periodic musings on the baby as theylay sprawled on their sun-loungers, baking in theheat.

“I wonder if she’s had it yet?” Helena wouldmurmur for the fourth time that day, half-asleep inthe evening breeze.

“You don’t even like Louise,” Graham wouldprotest.

“It’s not the immaculate conception, it’sMatthew’s baby too.”

“If you’re so bothered, phone him and findout.”

“No, it’d seem a bit daft really.”And so it was a wonderful surprise when they

arrived home and Thomas had been born, named,taken home, and sent a pair of hand-knitted bluebootees by Mrs Robertshaw. Helena was on the

300

phone to Matthew by the time Graham hadbrought the cases inside and locked the door.

“Oh I can hear him,” cooed Helena down thephone as Graham walked past shaking his head.“Say hello from Aunty Helena, won’t you.”

Graham shuddered, and removed the photofrom the fridge door where Helena had hastilystuffed it behind a banana-shaped magnet; it wasn’tsomething he wanted to see every time he went toget a drink. It wasn’t that Graham was completelyagainst children, he assumed he would have someof his own one day, and he also assumed that hewould, like most parents, think they were the mostwonderful children ever to be born, but he failed tosee the attraction of other people’s children,particularly when they were in the hairless,dribbling phase. He was concerned that Helena’sclose involvement with Matthew’s baby might leadto the desire for one of her own, and he was keento forestall that for as long as possible.

Matthew was slowly coming to terms with theeveryday realities of having a baby in the house. Atleast he was used to doing most of the houseworkand being largely overlooked by his wife, and beingsidelined for his son felt much better than beingsidelined for a pile of legal papers. Louise, thoughshe was completely shattered, was keen to tellanyone who’d listen how wonderful it was to have

301

this tiny, dependant creature in her care, andMatthew’s earlier belief that it would all be worth itwas vindicated.

The biggest disagreement during the first fewmonths of Thomas’s existence arose from adifference of opinion over christenings. Matthewhad given in over the church wedding, but he wasdetermined that no son of his should beindoctrinated into any religion; Louise didn’tbelieve in God, but she did believe in christenings.Eventually, to Matthew’s amazement, an agreementwas reached: an extravagant party was held inOctober to allow Louise’s many friends andrelatives to inspect the new arrival and bestow giftswithout Matthew’s principles being compromised.His parents flew over to meet their grandson, andHelena, her mum, Graham, Martin and Karendrove down, this time with six-year-old George intow, as the event coincided with his half-termholiday.

Helena was disappointed that she didn’t get tobe a godmother but was glad Louise hadn’t got herown way on the christening. She expected hermum to disapprove somehow, but perhaps becauseMatthew the golden boy was involved, MrsRobertshaw declared that christenings were only anexcuse to show the baby off really, and there was nopoint being hypocritical.

302

“Yes,” agreed Helena, “I can’t say I’ve heardanyone expressing concern over Thomas’s spiritualwelfare; they’ve all just been going mushy abouthow gorgeous he is.”

“Hmm. And they’re all bloody liars,” stated hermum, who’d had a couple of sherries by this time.

“What?” “Babies are never beautiful except to their

parents. And grandparents,” she added with ameaningful look at her childless daughter. “I meanI thought you were God’s gift when you were thatage, and look at you now.”

“Mum!”Helena’s mother sniffed, and turned her

sherry-loosened tongue to the snobbish behaviourof Louise’s swarm of aunts.

By the time Thomas’s first Christmas camearound, Louise was mainly back to her old self,most of the serenity being lost when she stoppeddoing yoga. At four months old, Thomas wasfascinated by his surroundings, and though hewouldn’t remember it later, Louise was adamantthat this should be a special Christmas. Shedecided, despite Matthew’s protestations over theexpense, to buy new decorations restricted topurple or gold only. He returned from work oneevening to find the tree festooned with goldribbons and purple baubles, and purple tinsel

303

wound around the banister. “Very…themed. What’ve you done with the old

stuff?” he asked, as Louise proudly showed off herhandiwork.

“There were a couple of baubles I’d broughtfrom home, so I’ve put them aside to give to mymum, most of the rest I gave to a charity shop andthe broken old stuff I threw away.”

“What happened to my tinsel?”“What, the threadbare green stuff you used to

pin above your bed before we moved in together?”asked Louise with a laugh.

“Mm; I’d had it for years.”“Yes, you could tell. It went in the bin, with the

angel with one wing. We’ve got purple tinsel now, Ithink it looks lovely.”

Matthew smiled and agreed; he didn’t thinkLouise would understand how an eight-year-oldstrand of half-bald tinsel could have suchsentimental value, and he wasn’t about to rootaround in the dustbin to retrieve it. Helena hadgiven him that tinsel the first Christmas he knewher, and it seemed shocking to let it go.

“Come on,” said Louise, “I want a photo ofThomas and I with our tree; he needs lots ofpictures of this Christmas to look back on, he won’tremember any of it.”

304

Chapter 37Peace shattered

Just over a year after Matthew’s blissful thirtiethbirthday, Helena also reached that milestone age,with very little fanfare. Unlike Matthew, who’dbeen dreading reaching an age he’d always thoughtof as being the first step beyond youth, Helenathought of it only as another birthday. She wascontented with her life, happy in her stylish housewith Graham, enjoying their two-car, three-holidays-a-year lifestyle, confident that she’d madethe right choice in settling down with him.

Unfortunately for Matthew, the Armitagehousehold wasn’t quite so serene. Louise hadreturned to work full-time in January, and thoughshe had agreed to Matthew working from home onFridays, he’d had to abandon the idea after a fewweeks; he lacked the self-discipline necessary to getany work done while his baby son was in the house.It was galling enough for him to have to go back toonly two full days a week with Thomas, butLouise’s smugness made it far worse.

Once she was back at work, Louise had veryquickly resumed her former workload, determinedto prove, either to herself or her superiors, that

305

having a baby hadn’t lessened her enthusiasm orabilities. Soon Matthew had Thomas to himselfmost of the time, Louise either working late at theoffice, or shut in the kitchen with papers spreadover the table.

To Matthew’s surprise and delight, Louise tookthe day off work for Thomas’s first birthday andthey spent a wonderful day together, doting ontheir son, eating cake and messing about like younglovers. In some ways it was worse to have beenreminded of what a time they could have, whenLouise worked even harder over the next few daysto make up for her time off.

Helena had mixed feelings about Louise’sneglect; she felt sorry for Matthew, and indignanton Thomas’s behalf, but she enjoyed hearing fromMatthew on a regular basis, listening to Thomasburble away in the background as Matthewreported on his own and Thomas’s latest activities,with Louise out of the way.

“He’s learned a new word this week,”announced Matthew with glee one evening,reclining on the sofa with the phone. “Go onThomas, impress Aunty Helena.”

“Enna!” shouted Thomas from his perch onMatthew’s chest.

“Oh Matthew!” squealed Helena. “He said myname. Sort of.”

306

“Well either that or he’s suggesting you dyeyour hair red.”

“Ha ha,” said Helena. “I bet Louise is pleased,”she added with a wry smile.

“Oh, she hasn’t heard him yet.” Matthewsighed. “As if she didn’t work enough before,they’re talking about expansion so she’s going allout for a promotion now.”

“Wouldn’t that be good?” suggested Helena,tentatively. “More money?”

“And we’d see even less of her. If that’spossible.”

Helena was silent for a moment; she had neverbeen keen on Louise, and had grown to loathe hersince Thomas had been apparently forgotten onher return to work, but Matthew was married tothe awful woman, and Helena tried to be carefulabout how critical she was. Matthew had neverconfided his true feelings about his marriage toHelena, but she caught glimpses now and then ofhow miserable he was. Or would be, if it weren’t forThomas.

“Maybe once she’s got her promotion she’llwant a holiday,” said Helena brightly. “You couldgo stay with your parents for a couple of weeks;they’d love to look after Thomas, I’m sure, and youand Louise could have a bit of time to yourselves.”

“Given the choice between me and…” Matthew307

paused, residual loyalty to his wife preventing himfor a moment. Helena was his best friend though,the only person he could confide in if he did feelthe need to. “She doesn’t want to spend time withme, I don’t further her career; Thomas is great, hemakes her a Working Mother, but I’m just a sparepart.”

“Matthew, don’t say that.”“It’s true though; I should’ve known before I

married her, I should’ve just let her go when shemoved away.”

Helena bit her tongue, trying not toinadvertently agree since that’s what she’d thoughtat the time.

“But, I wouldn’t have got Thomas then, wouldI? Bath-time for you, young man. Say goodbye toAunty Helena.”

“Enna,” beamed Thomas obligingly.Once Thomas was in bed, Matthew decided

Helena might have a point; even if Louise didn’twant to watch any Spanish sunsets in her husband’sarms, she might want to recharge her batteries andMatthew’s parents would love to spend some timewith their grandson. He padded along the hallwayand stopped, shaking his head as he realised he’dbeen about to knock on his own kitchen door.

“Louise, can I talk to you for a minute?” heasked as he thrust the door open.

308

“Mm,” she replied, not looking up.“That involves you listening,” he pointed out,

leaning across the table and spreading both handsover the document she was reading.

“Don’t crease it. What?” demanded Louise asMatthew straightened up.

“Don’t you think you’re working too hard?”“I’ve told you before, I need…” she began

vehemently.“OK, fine, let’s not have that argument again,”

Matthew cut in, holding his hands up placatingly.“But wouldn’t you like to go abroad for a bit? Havea change of air?”

“I would actually, yes,” she agreed. “Oh.” Matthew hadn’t expected it to be that

easy. “I’ve been thinking a lot about going to

Brussels, lately,” she said, looking anywhere but atMatthew.

“Brussels?” Matthew repeated, rummaging inthe biscuit tin. “I was thinking we could go see myparents, but what is there in Brussels?”

“A vacancy with my name on it.”Matthew slowly replaced the lid and turned to

face Louise who was looking up at him uncertainly,though her features hardened into defiance withinmoments.

“Pardon?” asked Matthew, icily calm.309

“We’re expanding into Europe,” she explained.“There are more posts available at a higher grade ifI’m prepared to take one in one of the new offices.Otherwise I’ll have to wait a year, at least.”

“Well wait a year, we’re not desperate formoney.”

“I already said I’d consider it.”“Tell them you considered it and you don’t

want to go. How long would they expect you to beout there? The time and money it’d take tocommute to Brussels…You’d have to be thereMonday to Friday, you’d only see Thomas atweekends.” Even as he said it, Matthew realised hehadn’t even thought of presenting himself as anargument for staying at home.

“Well I was thinking more in terms of movingthere,” Louise said quietly.

“And when did you envisage telling me we weremoving? The day before I’d have to hand mynotice in at work? The morning of the move?”

“If I thought you’d discuss it calmly…” Louisebegan.

“I’m calm, I’m perfectly calm, come on let’shave a discussion.”

Louise raised her eyebrows and bent over herwork. “I need to finish this, Matthew.”

Matthew opened his mouth to argue butimmediately realised the futility and left the room

310

instead, slamming the door behind him.“Oh, fudge sundaes!” he said with feeling as

Thomas began to wail upstairs.

311

Chapter 38The end is nigh

Nothing more was said about Brussels for thenext few days but it worried away at the back ofMatthew’s mind and eventually he rang Helena tounburden himself.

“I can’t believe she’s been thinking about youmoving abroad and she hadn’t even mentioned it,”said Helena for the second time.

Matthew could think of something even moreimportant that she’d been going to keep to herself,but he preferred Thomas’s brush with non-existence to remain secret.

“Well she knew I’d try and talk her out of it. Ithink she wanted to wait until everything was toofar gone to back out of, then say ‘by the way we’removing to Belgium’. Belgium! Famous for itsdiverse musical…Oh no, hang on, I must bethinking of somewhere else.”

Helena laughed. “I’m not sure Louise willaccept that as a good argument for not going. Itjust seems daft all round; surely it’ll cost a fortuneto move your stuff over there.”

“She doesn’t seem to have thought of anythingpractical except her promotion. How the hell am I

312

supposed to get a job in Belgium? I’m not thatgood at French, I pick up odd phrases fromsubtitled films now and then, but how often do youneed to say ‘Jean-Luc, I’m suffering fromexistential angst and I must leave you’?”

“Poor Matthew,” laughed Helena, though shewas genuinely sympathetic. “You’ll just have to putyour foot down, make her see sense.”

Much as he tried to find the right time tobroach the subject, a combination of Louise’s latehours and Matthew’s natural ostrich tendenciesmeant that he never told her to dismiss all thoughtsof Brussels as he’d intended. To his relief, Louisedidn’t mention it again either, though she didn’tslacken her pace of work. She was so short-tempered and highly-strung in January that healmost thought she might be pregnant again, but itseemed unlikely given their sporadic contact, andhe concluded that the long-awaited promotionmust have fallen through. He was disappointed forher, but glad that the Brussels question had beenremoved without the need for confrontation.

They spent the last weekend in March stayingwith Louise’s parents; Matthew had been pleasantlysurprised when Louise said she’d like them to getaway from London for the weekend. She evenencouraged Matthew to have lunch with Helena,which he did with great enjoyment, and the pair of

313

them laughed about how worried Matthew hadbeen about Louise wanting them to move toBrussels. With hindsight Matthew realised heshould have known something was amiss, and laterthat week Louise once again declared that aposition in Brussels was being offered to her.

“You can’t take it.” “Why not?”“Well, because…There’s loads of reasons why

not, it’s just a barmy idea all round.”“Name some.”“I have no desire to live in Belgium, land of

TinTin and Plastic Bertrand.”“And?”“Thomas would have to learn another

language,” said Matthew, working down his mentallist of objections.

“So it would broaden his mind. Kids adapt veryeasily, and anyway there are probably English-speaking nurseries. Go on.”

“We wouldn’t be near anyone.”“Your parents live in Spain, Matthew, it’s hardly

round the corner. And all your friends live in thenorth,” she added, making it sound like a separateand rather undesirable country, rather than whereshe’d spent half her life.

“Well how would I find a job? Did you everthink about that? My grasp of French is the kind of

314

thing you do at school, asking for a ham sandwichor the way to the bus station. What’s the point ofyou getting a better job if I’m suddenly withoutone?”

“God you’re so selfish sometimes.”“What?” gasped Matthew, not sure he’d heard

correctly.“You don’t care about advancing my career, do

you? You don’t care that this would mean a lot tome; you’re just thinking up whiny little excuses tostay at home.”

“Whiny?”“I knew you’d never agree to it, that’s why I

wasn’t going to waste time asking you.”“What were you going to do? Pack me in a

suitcase?”“No Matthew, I’m going to leave you here,”

replied Louise quietly as she stood up.Left alone on the sofa, a tangle of thoughts

burst into Matthew’s mind. At first he assumed shemeant she was going to stay in Brussels for a whilethen come back to their home, but then he realisedshe was talking about a permanent arrangement.Bound up with that was a concern about coping asa single father, but he knew he’d manage if he hadto. It never occurred to him that Louise mightwant to take Thomas with her.

For half an hour Matthew stayed on the sofa,315

leaning back into the cushions and staring at theceiling. It was almost eight years since he’d startedseeing Louise; he could barely remember what lifewithout her was like. She might have becomeselfish and uncaring since her all-important legalcareer began to take off, but they’d had some greattimes and he was still fond of her. More to thepoint, she was Thomas’s mum. The more Matthewthought about it, the more pointless it seemed toput up objections to moving: Thomas needed togrow up with his mother around, and if that meantMatthew had to move to Belgium for a couple ofyears and learn better French, then so be it. He wasabout to go find Louise and give in when itoccurred to him that it wasn’t just that she’d ratherleave him than miss out on her promotion, sheactively didn’t want him to go with her. It wasanother half hour before the numb feeling easedenough that he could stand up.

He found Louise in the bedroom, apparentlyabout to go for a bath.

“Well that put me in my place,” he said lightly,leaning against the doorframe. “I never thoughtI’d lose out to Belgium in a popularity contest. Wasit something I said?”

“You don’t get it, do you?”“Apparently not, no. I suppose you wouldn’t be

interested if I’d changed my mind about moving?”316

“It’s too late for that, Matthew. I intend to dosomething with my life, even if you don’t.”

“And being Thomas’s father and your husbandisn’t doing something with my life?”

There was a silence in which they looked ateach other, and Matthew felt a prickle in his eyesand a tingle in his nose as he saw the hard set ofLouise’s jaw, and the lack of feeling in her eyes.Louise looked away first.

“Matthew, you make me feel …”“Mighty real?”“No, not quite …”“Like a natural woman?”“No! Look, I …Oh, what’s the use?”She threw her balled-up shirt furiously onto the

floor and stalked past him. Matthew closed his eyes,and heard the bolt on the bathroom door slide intoplace. He wasn’t proud of his flippancy, butsomehow he couldn’t allow her to see him cry. Hewas still aimlessly pottering about the bedroomwhen she returned looking pink and scrubbed.

“Mum and dad have agreed to look afterThomas for a while,” she announced with her backto him.

“What?” asked Matthew, confused. “Why?”“Till I get settled. I won’t be able to cope with it

all at once, a new job, new house, new country, andThomas to look after on my own.”

317

Matthew was stunned, he sat heavily on thebed, feeling sick and hardly able to breathe.

“You…? Thomas…?” was all he could manage.“Well of course Thomas is going with me,” said

Louise, turning to face Matthew at last.“Oh of course he is,” replied Matthew

sarcastically, recovering himself a little. “This wouldbe Thomas, the baby you didn’t want, would it?The one you were going to quietly forget tomention and murder before I…”

“Christ, Matthew! You’re so twisted andemotive,” she shouted.

“At least I know what emotions are.”

318

Part IIIMatthew and Helena

Chapter 39Empty places

Matthew excused himself from work mid-afternoon; he claimed to be coming down withsomething, which was believable given his whiteface and restlessness. After Louise’s bombshell ofthe previous night he’d spent three hours inThomas’s room, his back to the door to keepLouise out, watching his son sleep in the glow ofthe nightlight. The rest of the night was spent onthe sofa, exhausted but awake, trying to grasp theconcept that he would soon be alone, and wasn’tlikely to watch his son sleep peacefully again.Despite the fact that it was April 1st, he didn’tdoubt that Louise was deadly serious. It neveroccurred to Matthew to challenge Louise’s decisionto take Thomas away from him, but if it had, thefact that she and all her friends were lawyers whileMatthew himself was soft-hearted and cluelesswould have deterred him. The last thing he wantedwas a drawn-out custody battle full of blame andrecrimination that could be held against him in thefuture.

He walked the streets for a while beforedeciding to collect Thomas from nursery earlier

320

than usual, snatching a couple of precious hourswith him in the park before going home. MrsHarper seemed surprised to see Matthew, notbecause he was early but because Louise hadphoned that morning to say Thomas was ill, andhadn’t brought him along. So it had startedalready, Matthew was being shut out of his son’s lifeand Louise hadn’t even thought to save him awasted journey on the way home from work.Matthew told Mrs Harper he wasn’t feeling toogreat himself, and must have missed Louise’smessage by leaving work early, but he didn’t soundconvincing to himself and he could tell Mrs Harperwas having none of it. Louise usually preferredMatthew to take time off work when Thomas wasill, but it made sense that if she was going to be asingle parent soon she’d have to get used to it. Hedidn’t know whether to be reassured that this was asign she’d be taking full parental responsibility infuture, or upset that he’d missed out on a daylooking after Thomas when they’d be parted sosoon.

Matthew realised as he walked down the longstreet home that Louise hadn’t indicated atimescale for her departure. She could be leavingnext week, or dragging out this painful limbo formonths. Matthew felt it would be easier to cope andmake plans if he knew, and he opened the front

321

door with the question on his lips, expecting to findher at home.

The house felt empty as he closed the doorbehind him, and he hoped Louise had takenThomas out for some fresh air rather than to thedoctor. Deflated, knowing he would have lost theimpetus to ask her when she was leaving by thetime she returned home, Matthew slowly hung uphis jacket and walked along the hallway. Hestopped as his brain registered what had lookeddifferent, and he turned to look again at the emptypatch of wall where the framed photo of the threeof them had been until that morning. Harsh, butunderstandable; being too understanding withLouise had long been Matthew’s biggest problem.

The kettle and the radio were both already onas Matthew reached for the tea caddy and noticed apiece of paper beside it. He was casting it asidewhen he realised it had his name on it, underlinedand in Louise’s handwriting, left in the place sheknew he’d visit as soon as he arrived home. Thekettle came to the boil with a loud click but it mayas well have been in the next universe; Matthewgripped the paper with both hands, telling himselfloudly that this was just a note giving the time ofThomas’s appointment in case Matthew arrivedhome first, but unable to drown out the calmlycertain inner voice that knew this was the Dear

322

John. Tentatively he lifted a corner of the paperand stopped holding his breath; he couldn’t seeany writing, so it really must be a brief note. Hefroze again as he opened the paper and saw ‘Solong and thanks for all the fish’.

It made him smile wanly through the tears thatwere beginning to form, shaking his head overLouise’s failure to insert the correct punctuation,but on some level appreciating her effort, a partingreminder that they had once had something incommon beyond a walking bundle of mixed genes.It looked like she had started a more traditionalfarewell letter, but all he could read through theheavy crossing-out was ‘Dear Matthew, No doubtby now’, and he wondered distractedly whether thenext part had been ‘you will be wondering where Iam’ or ‘you are crying like a girl’.

Absent-mindedly he made his mug of tea, thenmade a forlorn tour of the house, openingcupboards and drawers, mentally cataloguing themissing items. He toyed with the idea of calling thepolice — he felt just as violated and vulnerable as ifhe’d been burgled — but he didn’t fancy spendingthe night in a cell for wasting police time any morethan he fancied spending the night alone in hisempty house.

By the time he’d returned to the kitchen tomunch his way steadily through half a packet of

323

Hob-Nobs, Matthew found himself admiring theorganisation behind his wife’s departure. Herwardrobe was empty, as were Thomas’s drawers,and his soft toys had vanished; there were largegaps on the bookshelves and her tiny CD collectionhad gone. Either she had been secretly packingthings for a while and Matthew hadn’t noticed, orshe must have been round the house like a tornadothat morning.

Coughing as a mouthful of oaty biscuit caughtin his throat, Matthew began to laugh hysterically,imagining himself choking to death and wonderingwhether, given the circumstances, the verdict wouldbe suicide. He stood up, deciding to have a showerbecause it might clear his head and he couldn’tthink of anything else to do. When he got to thebathroom and stripped off, he realised Louisehadn’t even left him any shampoo.

#

It was nearly midnight and the thumping onthe front door was now continuous. Matthew raceddown the stairs and flung it open to find Helenalooking frantic.

“Oh God, Matthew, where have you been?” sheexclaimed.

“Sorry, I was at the toilet,” he said sheepishly.324

“You sounded …” She broke off, searching for aword that would convey how desperate andincoherent Matthew had seemed when he rang heras she was about to leave work. “Anyway, you’reOK, so…”

Matthew waved her inside, by now simplydrained.

“I called at the supermarket,” Helenacontinued. “I got you toothpaste and everything,and I got a couple of ready meals in case youhadn’t eaten.” She stood awkwardly for a moment,not sure what to say to someone whose life had justcollapsed around them, then she put the carrierbag down and put her arms round her best friend,and fury at Louise welled up inside her as she felthim shaking.

It was nearly morning when Matthew fellasleep, having lapsed into silence a while earlierwhen he ran out of ways to not quite convey howdistraught he felt. Helena had willed herself to stayawake after a draining day at work followed by ashort argument with Graham and a long drivesouth. Never, thankfully, having been in Matthew’sposition she could only murmur sympathy, keephim supplied with tea and make sure he atesomething. She was glad Louise had left on aThursday; by missing work for one day, Helenacould stay with Matthew for three days until

325

Sunday afternoon, by which time he might havebegun to cope.

On Friday morning after phoning in sick forboth herself and Matthew, Helena took a bin-baground the house and weeded out all the things shethought might upset him: three mugs with L orLouise on them, a pair of tights draped over aradiator, framed photographs and a box of herbalteabags. However thorough she was, Helena knewthat Matthew was walking from room to roomremembering conversations, arguments, andgolden moments with Thomas, and even a bareroom would remind him. Still, it gave hersomething to do, and she knew Matthew wouldn’tbe able to afford to stay in the house alone even ifhe wanted to, so he would need to clear out andpack up before too long.

She hadn’t expected the clear-out to happen assoon as Saturday morning, however, and wastherefore surprised at eleven-thirty when a self-hirevan drew up outside and Louise’s dad emerged.He knocked on the door but let himself straight inwith his daughter’s key, which brought Matthewrunning from the bathroom, half-expecting to seeLouise bringing Thomas back as she’d realised itwas all a mistake. He stopped short when he sawhis father-in-law standing in the hallway and therewas an awkward silence, Helena drawing back into

326

the kitchen as unobtrusively as possible.“I’m sorry, Louise doesn’t live here any more,”

said Matthew with brittle politeness. “You shouldhave called her Alice, at least I could’ve got a filmreference out of it.”

Louise’s dad flexed his mouth, it couldn’thonestly be called a smile, and said: “I’ve come forthe rest of her things. She didn’t hire a big enoughvan on Thursday, I did warn her there’d be morethan she thought.”

“She hired a van, did she?” asked Matthew.“How wonderfully organised of her; I bet she hadto book it well in advance.”

“Oh, she sent this back,” his father-in-law said,holding a suitcase out to Matthew who didn’t takeit.

“No, no, I wanted Thomas back - could soundlike suitcase though, I suppose.”

“I’ll just leave it here then, shall I?” Louise'sdad rested the case at his feet. “I know this isn’teasy, I’ll be as quick as I can, but I might needsome help sorting out what’s what. I wouldn’t wantto pack anything that isn’t hers.”

“She’s taken everything else, she might as wellhave all my material possessions as well. Let’s startwith the shirt off my back, shall we?” Matthewbegan to unbutton his shirt, and Helena steppedforward and gently steered him into the kitchen.

327

“I’ve got a fair idea what belongs to Matthew,”she said over her shoulder. “I’ll come and help in aminute. Now,” she continued, turning her attentionto Matthew and closing the kitchen door, “Whydon’t I make you some tea.”

When Helena re-emerged from the kitchen shefound Louise’s dad working through thebookshelves, a long list of titles in one hand. Againand again Helena marvelled at the cold-heartedplanning that had gone into this; she could barelybelieve that Louise had sat down and written a listof all her books so that her dad could collect themfor her later, but then, knowing Louise it didn’tseem so far-fetched. Together, Louise’s dad and areluctant Helena dismantled furniture, wrappedornaments and boxed books. As he left, he toldHelena that any remaining items could be disposedof, and she promised to pass the message on toMatthew. Before she could get back to the kitchen,however, the phone rang, and she answered withsome trepidation.

“Oh, it’s you,” Matthew heard her say, andgathered it must be Graham. “No, I just…Ithought you might be Louise or something.” Therewas a short pause and then “No I told you, I’ll behome tomorrow afternoon; Matthew needs mehere…I’m sure you’ll cope without me for oneweekend. Graham, he hasn’t got anyone else, he’s a

328

mess, his father-in-law just came round and…WellI care, and I can’t leave him at a time like this.What are friends for? I’ll see you tomorrow.” Shereplaced the receiver a touch heavier than wasnecessary, and Matthew stepped out into thehallway with red-rimmed eyes.

“I hope that wasn’t a quarrel? I don’t think I’dbe as good at coming up and sorting you out ifGraham left.”

“Oh, Graham’s not going anywhere, don’tworry,” she smiled. “He’s just grumbling becausehe has to cook his own tea for a couple of days.Come on, let’s see what we can rustle up forlunch.”

329

Chapter 40Picking up the pieces

Helena was reasonably confident that Matthewcould function on a basic level by the end of theweekend. She realised as she stood with one handon her open car door, reminding him of theimportance of a balanced diet and cleanunderwear, that she was sounding frighteninglylike her mum had at the start of each universityterm.

“Anyway,” she cut herself short, “Don’t doanything daft, because I’d be upset.”

“What, don’t do this?” asked Matthew, holdinghis ears, sticking his tongue out and standing onone leg in forced light-heartedness.

“No, you might fall over. Ring if you need me,”said Helena, hugging him and getting into her car.

He waved her off, then lingered in the streetfor a while, listening to distant traffic and thesound of children shouting at each other. He knewhe had to leave as soon as he could.

#

Louise had obviously planned the divorce along330

with her van-hire, and papers were served onMatthew shortly after she left. He didn’t think tochallenge anything, just put it in the hands of asolicitor and tried to forget about it, immersinghimself in mundane daily activities. Music becamemore important to him than it had in a while,filling up the silence and letting him drift awayfrom himself.

Even if he hadn’t wanted to leave the scene ofhis greatest misery, Matthew would have had to sellthe house to pay Louise, though in Matthew’s viewshe’d already got more than her fair share sinceThomas massively outweighed everything else. Atfirst he looked for a small flat to rent near where heworked, but then he realised that there wasnothing keeping him in London and a host of goodreasons for moving away. He gave advance warningthat he’d be leaving work as soon as he’d sold thehouse, and Helena joined him for anotherweekend to help him clear out and pack up.

By nine o’clock on the Saturday morning they’dstripped all the shelves, and Matthew was sitting onthe floor surrounded by piles of books, sortingthem into two untidy heaps which Helena waspacking into bags for the charity shop or boxes tobe stored, as appropriate.

“My mum and dad have asked if I want to gostay with them for a few weeks,” announced

331

Matthew after a period of companionable silence.“That’s nice of them. It might be good to get

away from things for a while.” “I dunno; it’d feel too much like going on

holiday, going to stay in Spain. Like fiddling whileRome burns.”

“I still think it might be for the best, Matthew.Just to get away from here and have the space totry and sort yourself out a bit.”

“I’ll have to see if I can afford the plane ticket. Iwouldn’t know what to say to them, anyway: Himum, I haven’t bothered to visit for a few years butnow I’m revealed as a complete failure, I thoughtI’d pop in.”

“You’re not a complete failure…” beganHelena, knowing he wouldn’t listen.

“Really? Did I tell you what reason she’s givenfor wanting this bloody divorce?” Matthew sprangup excitedly and rummaged among the paperworkstuffed in his toast-rack on the windowsill.

“Does it matter?” asked Helena, standing upand stretching.

“Unreasonable behaviour, namely a continualand prolonged effort to scupper her career! Ishould’ve known it’d be for something importantlike her sodding career rather than, say, becauseshe couldn’t stand the sight of me any more.”

“It’ll just be an excuse, Matthew, she has to give332

a reason she can back up with evidence,” soothedHelena.

“No, unfortunately I think she’s telling thetruth. Listen to this though, she’s actually listed myrefusal to go to dinner parties as an instance of myunreasonable behaviour.” He looked up from thepaper with a bitter laugh. “What a thing to haverecorded in a legal document in perpetuity: mywife divorced me, not because she found me in bedwith three Playboy bunnies, or because myhedonistic lifestyle was bankrupting us, but becauseI refused to go to lawyers’ dinner parties. And whatwas the other thing?” He checked the paperworkagain. “Oh yes, my refusal to get a proper job - bywhich I assume she means my lack of greed andownership of a working conscience - meant that wecould never afford a fancy enough house for her toshow off, and add to that my previous rudeness - isquoting Woody Allen rude? - and she could neverthrow dinner parties of her own. Oh my heartbleeds.”

“Are these boxes all packed?” asked Helena,trying to distract him. She lifted the flap of the oneon the top of the stack. “Looks like a randomassortment of stuff.”

“Oh, they’re from the loft. I can’t rememberwhat’s in them but if I haven’t missed any of it, itcan’t be that important. It can all just go.”

333

“Don’t you want to check, just in case there’sanything in here that you thought you’d gotsomewhere else?”

“So this isn’t just you being nosy then?”Matthew smiled, then laughed at Helena’s pout.“Go on, rummage away. If you find anythinginteresting, let me know. I’ll make some more tea.”

Sure in her own mind that she was doingMatthew a favour and not just satisfying hercuriosity, Helena placed the three boxes side byside on the floor and opened the first one fully.

“A-level certificates,” she said as Matthewreappeared with two mugs and a packet of custardcreams.

“Same to you.”“They were in this box. Your degree

certificate’s probably in here too…look, here’s theletter that came with it.”

“Oh alright, so maybe it can’t all just go. What’sin the last one?”

Helena opened the box and laughed.“What?” asked Matthew, leaning over to look.

“The funky gibbon!” he cried.“This is a gorilla, Matthew,” laughed Helena,

bopping him on the head with the stuffed toy fromtheir distant past, “Don’t you know anything?”

“God, that seems so long ago.”Helena thought for a moment as she nibbled a

334

custard cream. “It must be nearly ten years ago; I’llhave known you ten years in October.”

“Ten years,” mused Matthew. “And you stilldon’t look a day over forty.”

“Cheeky sod!” exclaimed Helena, and Matthewdissolved into laughter as she set about him withthe much-abused gorilla.

#

By mid-July Matthew was ready to leave forSpain. The house was sold, the last of the furnitureand household bits and pieces had been disposedof one way or another, and Matthew prepared toleave London much as he had arrived nearly sixyears previously, with a few boxes of books andCDs, his beloved swivel chair and a bright rag-rugthat was one of the first things he’d bought whenhe arrived. After much persuasion from Helena,Graham had agreed to let Matthew store his boxesin their loft with his uncollected records, but hehad drawn the line at the chair which woulddetract from their carefully chosen furnishings, andHelena had arranged for Matthew to deposit thatin her old bedroom at her mum’s house, knowingthat if Matthew was involved her mum wouldn’tobject.

Matthew hired a small van to drive his335

belongings northwards, and as he left Londonbehind he had a feeling he wouldn’t be back for along while if he could help it. He had tea withHelena at her mum’s house and was duly fussedover by Mrs Robertshaw, then stayed overnightwith Helena and Graham so that Helena coulddrive him to Manchester airport early the nextmorning.

As she watched Matthew check his suitcase in,Helena was glad to notice a certain lightness abouthim, as though a weight had been lifted from himwhen he’d left The South. Though she couldn’tbear to spend much time with her own motherthese days, and knew Matthew didn’t always get onwith his parents, Helena somehow expected anextended stay in the family home to work wondersfor Matthew. He hadn’t said how long he plannedon staying out there but she half-wondered if hemight take a tip from his parents and emigrate,and as she hugged him goodbye at the barrier sheclung a little tighter at the thought that he mightnot come back.

336

Chapter 41Return from the brink

Once Graham had pointed out how much itcost to phone a Spanish number, Helena contentedherself with regular letters to Matthew, and scouredhis replies for the sort of clues to his well-being thatthe tone of his voice would have given her in aninstant. He didn’t mention Thomas’s secondbirthday beyond the bare fact that he’d sent a smallparcel to Louise’s parents to pass on, not havingLouise’s new address in Belgium. Helena was gladshe hadn’t had to think of anything to say to himover the phone about that, though she immediatelyfelt guilty.

Graham had never known Matthew well andwas largely indifferent to his fate; Helena foundthat attempts to discuss Matthew’s problems withher partner were rebuffed, and she began to spendmore time with her mother again, knowing thatthere at least she would find a sympathetic ear. MrsRobertshaw had also been afraid that Englandwould cease to hold any interest for Matthew, soshe was delighted when Helena received a letterannouncing his imminent return.

“Does he say when?” she asked, looking up337

from her bread-buttering.“Er, no, I don’t think so,” replied Helena,

shuffling through the thin pages of airmail paper.“Not exactly, anyway, he says ‘Given that I’m inserious danger of running out of books to read,and my mum’s stopped patting me on the shoulderevery time she walks past and bringing me cups oftea, I’d say it was about time I left them in peace’.”

“Nonsense!” interjected Mrs Robertshaw. “Nomother ever wants to be ‘left in peace’ by her onlychild.”

“I know what he means though, mum. Onceyou’re all adults sharing a house, and everybodyhas their own routines and ways of doing things…”

“It’s been years since they left him over herewhile they went gadding off, the least they can do islook after him at a time like this.”

“He’s been there a month, mum,” beganHelena.

“Poor lad, as if he didn’t have enough tocontend with, without his parents turning theirbacks on him,” muttered Mrs Robertshaw, savagelytearing up slices of ham for their sandwiches.

“Mum! No-one’s turning their back on him, hejust thinks it’s about time he dusted himself downand got on with his life, that’s all.”

Her mother sniffed dismissively and depositeda plate of sandwiches on the table with a firm clink.

338

“Where’s he going to stay when he comes back?He doesn’t have any family here now, does he?”

“Not that I know of,” replied Helena. “He’s notgoing back to London though, if that’s what youmean; he asked me to look out for somewherecheap for him to rent. He’s a bit strapped for cashat the moment, and until he gets a job at least he’llprobably have to share a house, I should think.”

“With that bedroom empty? You can tell himsince he’s already moved his chair in, he might aswell follow with the rest of his belongings until hesorts himself out.”

Helena dutifully passed the message on but wassomewhat taken aback when Matthew acceptedwith thanks. Then she considered the baking, theironing and the general mothering that Matthewwas sure to get, and his decision was no longer sosurprising. Graham was less than thrilled with thisproposed arrangement, being heartily sick ofhearing about Matthew when his letters arrived,without having to put up with Helena seeing himon a regular basis as well, but he could hardly tellHelena’s mother what to do with her own sparebed. It did, however, save him from the possibilityof Helena inviting Matthew to stay with them for awhile, which he wouldn’t have agreed to, but if theidea was never mentioned they needn’t have a rowabout it.

339

The Return of the Prodigal Son-substitute wascarefully prepared for, and Helena was made toredecorate her old bedroom because Matthewcould hardly be expected to put up with her fadedfloral wallpaper. When she protested that Matthewwould probably be there for no more than a coupleof weeks, her mum said it was about time the placewas spruced up a bit anyway, and Helena knewthere was no point in any further discussion.

Graham was at work when Matthew’s flighttouched down in Manchester, and Mrs Robertshawwas in her element, preparing a proper roastdinner to welcome Matthew back to where hebelonged, thus only Helena was there to wait withnervous anticipation at the airport. She tugged herjumper sleeves over her hands and chewed herthumbnail like a teenager as she watched thearrivals board; when she spotted the familiar figurestriding through the barrier she hurried towardshim, grinning like an idiot.

“Sanity! Civilisation!” he cried, sweepingHelena up in a hug and swinging her round.

“Glad to be back then?” she laughed.“I was reduced to John Grisham,” he said, as

though this was explanation enough.“I like John Grisham; which one was it?”“Not one you’ll have read; it’s in my case.”“Oh you’re a love, aren’t you? Come on, Mum’s

340

been up since the crack of dawn peeling spuds,we’d better not be late for tea.”

#

When Matthew returned from Spain, Grahamhad been an Area Manager for three weeks, andHelena had already begun to notice the difference,with later returns home and fewer evening mealseaten together at the table. She had known that thepromotion would inevitably mean some disruptionas Graham spent time travelling around the region,but the salary increase seemed to make up for it,and now that Matthew was back it meant theycould catch up without her sacrificing any timewith Graham. Helena fell into the habit of calling ather mum’s house on the way home, when she knewGraham would be late.

“Hello!” she called as she arrived home oneevening, having been surprised to find Graham’scar already in the driveway.

“Oh, you’re back, are you?” said Graham,emerging from the bedroom with his shirtunbuttoned.

“I thought you weren’t getting home till eight,”said Helena brightly.

“And where have you been, as if I didn’tknow?”

341

“Well of course you know,” she said with afrown, hanging up her coat. “I’ve been at Mum’s.”

“What an attentive daughter you’ve turned intolately,” he commented.

“Look, I haven’t been able to see Matthew on aregular basis for six years, of course I’m going towant to catch up with him, he’s my best friend.”

“And what about me? Aren’t we supposed to befriends?”

“Of course we’re…”“And yet you’re not here to greet me after a

hard day at work,” he interrupted. “No dinner inthe oven, no…”

“Of all the sexist…When was the last time youmade my dinner when I was working late? Andanyway you usually have something to eat whileyou’re out.”

“That’s not the point.”“No, it wouldn’t be. God, Matth…er, Graham,

I…”Graham turned away, laughing humourlessly

and shaking his head.“Oh come on, it was a slip of the tongue,”

protested Helena, “I’ve just been speaking to himfor an hour and a half. Graham!”

Graham stopped and turned to face her. “I’mgoing in the shower. Don’t bother making me anydinner, I think I’ll phone for a takeaway.”

342

Chapter 42Career opportunities

Matthew hadn’t been back for long before herealised that not much had changed: if he wantedan accounting job he’d have to return to thecommercial world unless he could find a post inlocal government like the one he’d given up sixyears earlier. Not wanting to outstay his welcomewith Helena’s mum, and in some ways lookingforward to having his own space in a way that hehadn’t had since he joined Louise in London, hebegan to look for somewhere to rent.

One of the things that hadn’t changed was theprice difference between London and the North,and Matthew quickly found that if he wanted to hecould buy a modest house instead, as soon as hesecured a job. By the end of November he wasworking less than half a mile from the site of hisfirst job, where Helena still worked, and by hisbirthday at the start of March he’d moved to asmall terraced house a few streets away from theone he’d shared with Helena.

Since Graham was having one of hisincreasingly frequent overnight stays in one of thefar-flung corners of the region on the evening of

343

Matthew’s birthday, there was nothing to stopHelena from meeting Matthew after work andwalking home with him, picking up a bottle of wineand a takeaway on the way.

“I feel like I should be able to run upstairs andput my slippers on, every time I come here,”laughed Helena as Matthew closed the front doorbehind them. “It’s so much like our old place.”

“Slightly better decor.”“Slightly,” said Helena, eyeing the peeling

paper near the ceiling, and the brown-paintedbannister.

“And of course it’s only got one bedroom.”“Well, yes,” agreed Helena, carrying the food

through to the kitchen. “But it’s a lot bigger thaneither of our rooms were; you can fit a double bedin for a start.”

“That’s a relief,” said Matthew. “You know,what with my active love-life.”

Helena tutted. “You’re barely divorced,Matthew, give it time, you’ll pick yourself upagain.”

The conversation turned to more importantmatters like food, and who was going to wash up,and Matthew’s birthday tea progressed in livelyfashion until the last beansprout had been eaten,and most of the bottle of wine had been drunk.

“I should make some tea,” said Helena, not344

making any moves in that direction.“I’ll do it in a minute.”“No you won’t, it’s your birthday.”“Some birthday,” grumbled Matthew.“Cheers.”“No, it’s been nice having you round, but it

doesn’t change things, does it? I can’t believe I’mthirty-three, I’m on my own and I’m living roundhere. I thought I was doing alright for myself, for awhile, but I seem to have regressed lately.”

“You’ve got a good job,” suggested Helena,trying to focus on the positive.

“Ha! Do you know how much of my salary goeson maintenance? Maintenance, as if I’d desertedher and left her struggling on a low wage. Can youbelieve it? She walks out, takes my son away fromme, and I have to pay her for the privilege.‘Thanks for ruining my life, Louise: have somemoney, you can buy him some toys I’ll never beable to watch him play with’.”

Matthew sounded close to tears; Helena couldthink of nothing to say, she knew there was no wayto comfort him, and settled for getting up andrubbing his sleeve ineffectually on the way past.“Maybe when he’s older…” she began as she filledthe kettle.

“Don’t bother; I wouldn’t expect you tounderstand, you’ve never had kids.”

345

“Not yet I haven’t…”“Not yet? And what would Graham say if he

heard you say that?” Matthew was grinning, butHelena could see how watery his eyes were.

“He’ll come round to it eventually, he just isn’tready for a change of lifestyle yet.”

“Probably still thinks he’s too young to besettling down.”

For the next few weeks Helena couldn’t seem totrack Matthew down, he rarely answered his phoneand when he did, he claimed to be too busy to meetup. Eventually she took to walking slowly pastMatthew’s workplace around five o’clock in thehope that she might catch him. A few days of thispaid off, and she dashed across the road tointercept him.

“What are you doing over this end of town?” heasked.

“Oh, you know, I needed to go to…” Sheglanced up the street and said: “Boots.”

Matthew raised an eyebrow and she shruggedand continued: “I haven’t seen you lately.”

“Have your people call my people and we’ll dolunch sometime.”

“Do people still say that?” laughed Helena.“I just did,” he pointed out, and walked off with

a wave and a grin. She smiled as she watched himwalk down the street, but she was worried about

346

how much effort had been behind that grin, andshe wished she could run after him and make himtalk to her.

That weekend, whether prompted by herambush or following some timetable of his own,Matthew rang to ask if she was doing much. Shewasn’t; Graham was out playing badminton, a sportshe’d been keen to join him in, but he had insistedthat badminton was the new golf, and it would beon the badminton court with his senior colleaguesthat he negotiated his next promotion. Helenawasn’t sure she cared about his next promotion,given that she’d hardly seen him since the last one,but she knew better than to press the point.

She arrived at Matthew’s house unsure what toexpect; she even wondered for a moment if he’dbeen to Brussels and kidnapped Thomas, he’dbeen in such an odd mood. When he answered thedoor he seemed full of nervous excitement, but healso seemed to be alone in the house, and Helenathought that if he was only in the planning stageshe could probably still divert him, or maybe evencall the police for his own sake.

“So, what is it you’ve been busy with these lastfew weeks?” she asked once she was settled in thebean bag with a mug of tea. “Not buying furniture,obviously.”

“Material possessions aren’t everything,347

Helena,” he admonished with a trace of his old self.“Don’t tell me you’re thinking of chucking it all

in and becoming a monk.” She wasn’t sure howserious she was; she wouldn’t put much past him.

“Not quite, but close.”There was a pause, which Matthew clearly

wasn’t going to fill.“Well come on, you can’t just say that and leave

it there.”“Oh I’m sure I can. Bourbon?”She ignored the proffered biscuit packet and

groaned with curiosity and frustration. Matthewlaughed, and swivelled his chair from side to side.

“Go on then, seeing as it’s you…I’m going backto university in September.”

“You’re what? Where?”“Don’t worry, I’m not moving away again, I can

commute from here.”While that was a great relief to Helena, she still

thought it was madness.“Why on earth would you want to give up a

good job and go be a student again at your age? Ithought you were complaining about regressing:what do you call this?”

“Maybe I should have a quiet word withGraham; you’ve already got the Mum linesrehearsed, if you had kids you wouldn’t have to usethem all on me.”

348

Even at the end of a long afternoon’sdiscussion, Helena wasn’t convinced Matthew wasdoing the right thing, but she had got the feeling itwould help him make a complete break so she waswilling to go along with it. For reasons Helenawould never comprehend, Matthew had decided totrain as a maths teacher; his mortgage was smalland he’d been saving as much as possible, so withthe grant he’d get he should be able to manage fora year if he was careful. It seemed that he’d stillhave to give Louise a percentage, but consideringher salary he didn’t think Thomas would sufferfrom the decrease, and the thought of Louise’sannoyance was quite gratifying to both Helena andMatthew, though Helena said nothing. Theprospect of change, and of doing something whichhe thought of as far more worthwhile than being acorporate accountant, was already brighteningMatthew’s outlook, and for that alone Helena waswilling to be supportive. She decided not tomention Matthew’s plans to Graham though, shedidn’t need to hear him to know exactly what snidecomments he’d make.

349

Chapter 43Learning curve

Helena felt bad about leaving Matthew on hisown for Thomas’s third birthday, but she andGraham spent the first half of August in theSeychelles. Helena enjoyed the break from routine,but Graham was irritable after a few days, frettingabout work and worrying about how his colleagueswould cope in his absence. She tried coaxing himinto the holiday spirit but gave up after a while andspent the rest of the fortnight reading on thebeach, wondering how nervous Matthew wasgetting about finishing work at the end of themonth.

Mrs Robertshaw had immediately been onMatthew’s side over his change of career. Of courseshe knew he’d be a brilliant teacher, and while shedidn’t quite say she disapproved of Helena’soutlook on life, she did say there was more to lifethan money and so-called success. A couple ofweeks before his course began, she solemnlypresented Matthew with a new Parker pen,engraved with his name in case he mislaid it in alecture. Between Helena and her mum, Matthewwas being fussed over enough to drive him to

350

distraction if he hadn’t been in such a buoyant,optimistic mood. He half-expected one or both ofthem to turn up at six o’clock on his first morning,to make sure he was wearing clean socks and hadplenty of sandwiches with him.

The PGCE course seemed to attract a greaternumber of mature students than he imaginedwould be on most other courses, so he didn’t feel asold and out of place as he’d feared he might, andin fact wasn’t the oldest by a long way. Universityseemed to have changed quite a bit since hisprevious student days, and teacher training wasvery different from his undergraduate degree, withlonger hours, and placements in schools. Althoughhe began by comparing everything to his pastexperience, he soon thought of it as somethingentirely new and settled down to hard work with acertain amount of satisfaction.

Helena knew Matthew was getting back tonormal when he started talking about women he’dmet, though he wasn’t quite as enthusiastic as he’donce been. In late November Helena beganChristmas shopping, and though Matthew hadalready informed everyone he couldn’t affordpresents this year, he decided to meet Helena for adrink one Saturday afternoon to give her a breakfrom the shops, and he insisted on buying thedrinks so he could take advantage of the student

351

discount.“So this woman came and sat next to you…”

prompted Helena as they sat down in the newbookshop coffee bar.

“Yes, she asked me what I was reading andwhen I said Robert Rankin, she said ‘Oh I likehim’, which made me take a bit more notice,because no-one’s ever even heard of him.”

“I have,” Helena interjected.“Yes but only because of me,” Matthew pointed

out. “Anyway it turned out she was thinking of IanRankin, who writes Scottish crime novels. So notonly did she not like the author I was talking about,but she can’t even get the name of an author shedoes like right.” He gave a quiet tut and a shake ofthe head, which made Helena smile.

“Is it the glasses that have made you sointellectual, or were you always like this?” sheasked.

Matthew grinned and pushed his new glassesfirmly onto the bridge of his nose with a forefinger.“They do add a certain something, don’t they?”

“Oh yes, very sophisticated. Anyway, I take itthe conversation ended there?”

Matthew grimaced. “I’m meeting her for adrink later.”

“What happened to standards?”“I’m not sure I can afford to be choosy these

352

days.”“Oh for heaven’s sake, a young and handsome

man like you?” she said, a little tongue in cheek,but it cheered Matthew up.

“Young, handsome, divorced and penniless,” hesaid with a smile.

“But well-read.”“Hmm. Maybe I’ll ring her and say I’ve come

down with something contagious.”Helena called in at her mum’s on the way

home, partly to gossip about Matthew and partly topass on a couple of things she’d bought at hermum’s request. She was showing her a shirt she’dbought Graham for Christmas when MrsRobertshaw said:

“I’ll need to get the turkey ordered this week;you are coming for Christmas dinner, aren’t you?”

“Oh no Mum, we couldn’t…”“Are you or aren’t you? Matthew is.”“Is he?” asked Helena, surprised.“Well we had a lovely Christmas last year when

he was living here; he kept an eye on the dinnerwhile I went to church then we watched three filmsand we played pontoon for after dinner mints.”

“Oh,” said Helena, somewhat put out. “Ithought you might be coming to us this year.”

“And have your Graham looking at his watchevery half hour, too polite to tell me it’s about time

353

I left?”“I’m sure he never…”“If you come here you can leave whenever

you’re tired of me. And I can keep my slippers onall day, and I can have my carrots done just the wayI like them.”

Helena wasn’t sure what was wrong with theway she cooked carrots but she thought it best notto ask, and said she’d check with Graham but yes,probably they would come over for Christmasdinner. If nothing else, it prevented the argumentshe’d been anticipating if she suggested havingMatthew over for Christmas to save him being onhis own. It made her think of the time she’d askedher dad if Matthew could join them at Christmas,and she was glad her mum wouldn’t be alone,whatever she and Graham did.

Graham reluctantly agreed to Christmas dinnerwith Helena’s mum; he didn’t like the fact thatMatthew would be there, and he wondered if MrsRobertshaw was doing it deliberately, as it was clearshe’d never been keen on him. Helena seemedexcited that they’d all be together, and he let herbe; at least she didn’t seem to have noticed thatGraham hadn’t mentioned the usual Christmasdrinks party with his friends from work.

#354

Helena watched Graham sitting at her mother’skitchen table with his chair pushed slightly back, asthough he was deliberately distancing himself fromthem. She wondered if it was just that he was theonly one of them who had never called this house‘home’, or whether he really looked down onHelena’s background as he sometimes seemed todo. She had an idea that was why he hadn’t takenher to his Christmas drinks this year, not wantingto remind those who might promote him that hispartner had a strong accent and didn’t know muchabout wine.

“Earth to Helena,” repeated Matthew.“Sorry?”“You’ve been half-asleep all day. There’s

nothing you want to tell me, is there?” asked hermum, looking pointedly at Helena’s billowingblouse.

“Oh, good grief! No mother, I am notpregnant.”

Graham shifted uncomfortably in his chair andsaid: “Matthew was asking if you wanted anotherhelping of pudding.”

Helena and Matthew shared the rest of thepudding into their respective dishes, fighting forthe last scrapings of brandy sauce with childishglee.

355

“Are you doing anything nice for the newyear?” Mrs Robertshaw asked her de facto son-in-law.

“Yes, Helena and I are going to a big event inYork; I managed to get a couple of tickets throughwork. It should be an impressive evening.”

“It’s a new century I suppose, you’ll not seeanother of those. I certainly shan’t.”

“A new millennium, in fact,” Graham pointedout.

“Although you could argue that’s not till nextyear,” said Matthew, smiling pleasantly at Graham’sfrown across the table.

“What are you up to, Matthew?” asked Helena,licking her spoon clean as she would never doanywhere outside this house.

Matthew shrugged. “Are you just watching it all on the telly, love?”

asked Mrs Robertshaw, before remembering: “Ohno, you’ve not got one at the moment, have you?”

“Nope. And I can’t say I miss it.”“I hardly think the price of a year's television

licence can make much difference to your budget,”began Graham, but Helena had heard thisargument several times already and didn’t want tohear it again.

“Why don’t you come out with us, Matthew?”was, unfortunately, the first thing that came to her

356

as a diversionary tactic. “Graham can get anotherticket, can’t you?”

Matthew considered anything Graham wouldview as ‘an impressive evening’ something bestavoided, and wasn’t sure he could be bothered togo to York, but the sheer petulance displayed byGraham at this suggestion decided him, and heaccepted with thanks.

357

Chapter 44And then there were two

Helena spent her lunch-break renewing the TVlicence, buying tights, and running other dullerrands, but she was happy to be out in the Springsunshine for a change, instead of behind her desk.As she cut across the floral gardens on the way backto work she saw Graham in the distance, walkingtowards a woman sitting on a bench by the warmemorial. Helena had been about to rush acrossthe gravel to surprise him, but now she hesitated. Itcertainly looked like Graham, but he was quite away away and she could only see him from behind.She watched the man reach out a hand as theclearly pregnant woman levered herself up fromthe bench and joined him in his walk across thegardens, her arm around his waist. Helena couldfeel her face beginning to flush; what anembarrassing situation she would have foundherself in if she’d sprinted over to a completestranger meeting his pregnant wife for lunch, andflung her arms round him.

Standing at the hob that evening, stirring a panof pasta sauce, Helena remembered her narrowescape and thought about beefing it up and telling

358

it to Graham as a funny story to try and lighten theair. She could feel his brooding presence hunchedover the dining table, reading the paper andsipping his second glass of red wine. He’d been likethis for a few weeks and Helena had never quitefound a way to ask if the promotion he’d beentalking about had passed him by.

“You’ll never guess what I nearly did today,”she began. Graham gave a noncommittal grunt.“I’d been to the post office, you know, the one onthe square, so I thought I’d cut through thegardens…”

She told him her anecdote, exaggerating howclose she’d come to swooping on the poor man andshowering him with kisses, and punctuating it withher own laughter to make up for the lack of anyemanating from Graham.

“So I think I’ll have to get you one of thosefluorescent waistcoat things, with Graham printedon the back, just so I can tell it’s you.” She waitedfor some kind of response, didn’t get any, andturned round to admonish him for not listening.

“Graham? What’s wrong?” She looked aroundhelplessly, not knowing what she expected to see,but Graham looked distinctly perturbed.

“It was me.”“What?” floundered Helena, not quite

following. “What was you?”359

“Today. This lunchtime. It wasn’t some blokewho looked like me from the back, it was me.”

Helena stared at him, the wooden spoonupraised in her hand, her pan of sauce forgotten.

“Elaine’s been saying she wants it to be morepermanent, now she’s pregnant,” he continued,looking down at his hands spread on thenewspaper. “I hadn’t thought of a way to tell youyet.”

Helena could only stand and stare, the wordswouldn’t even form in her mind let alone get pasther frozen lips. A slow trickle of sauce slithereddown the spoon onto her fist. Graham rose with ascrape of chairleg on floortile, and left the roomwithout looking at her.

“Graham!” she screamed, as she heard the frontdoor open, but it slammed again and the engine ofhis sports car began to rev before she’d managed tostagger across to the doorway, blinded by unshedtears. She collapsed onto Graham’s chair and gazedacross the hallway towards the front door as thetears began to flow.

How long she’d been sitting there she couldn’thave said, but when the fridge hum changed pitch,it made her jump. The sauce was drying out andburning onto the bottom of the pan, and she gotup and turned the heat off with disgust. She was nolonger hungry.

360

Within half an hour, Matthew was in thehallway enveloping Helena in a warm hug, havinganswered her tearful summons on the phone bycalling a taxi rather than waiting for an infrequentbus. At first he’d thought Graham was dead, it wasonly once he’d arrived at the house that he fullyunderstood what had happened. Although hecould empathise, having experienced thebreakdown of his own marriage, Louise’sdeparture had come as less of a shock in a sense,there had been warning signs for a long time. Moreimportantly, Louise had never been unfaithful -she’d barely had time for one lover, let alone two -and Matthew could only begin to imagine howHelena must feel, realising there had been monthsof deceit. Matthew was shocked as well as furious;he’d considered Graham and Helena to be in it forlife, hardly The Last of the Great Romantics, butsolid nonetheless. To think that Graham had beenseeing another woman for so long made Matthewwonder whether anything was truly permanent.

Sometime after midnight, when Helena hadlapsed into snuffling silence on the sofa, Matthewwent to rinse out their mugs and hunt through thecupboards for an easy snack. From the kitchen-dining level he could look down on Helena’soutwardly peaceful form curled amid cushions; hehad an idea he’d felt this fiercely protective of

361

Louise, once upon a time, which made him smile tohimself, however bitterly. A car pulled up in thedrive, and Helena sat upright with a look ofpathetic eagerness.

“He’s back,” she said simply.“He’s probably forgotten his work keys. Stay

there, I’ll go see him.”“But Matthew, he might have reconsidered…”“But he’d still have been having an affair, he’d

still have got another woman pregnant,” hepointed out. “Just sit still and hold onto your self-respect.”

Matthew left the room as a key rattled quietly inthe front door. Helena hugged a cushion andpouted, annoyed at Matthew’s interference eventhough she saw his point. It didn’t occur to her todefy him.

Graham started when he opened the door andfound Matthew, arms folded sternly, guarding theentrance like a stone lion.

“Didn’t waste your time, did you?” sneeredGraham, who’d clearly been drinking. Perturbedby Matthew’s watchful silence, he continued: “Ithought she’d be asleep by now.”

“Oddly enough she’s a bit upset,” repliedMatthew coldly.

“So I see you’ve rushed to comfort her.”“I know how it feels to have your world

362

suddenly crumble.”“Don’t I just know it; she talked about nothing

else for months. She’s only got herself to blame forthis.”

“Just get what you came for and get out,” saidMatthew, hoping Helena wasn’t listening, butknowing she would be holding her breath,straining to catch every word.

“This is my house,” Graham reminded him,drawing himself up.

“And you chose to leave it this evening.”With a grunt of disgust Graham moved away

and began to collect up his belongings. He didn’tseem to notice Helena when he rushed past her,and she shrank into the sofa, wanting to grab himand beg him to stay, knowing that she’d hateherself if she did. Not to mention how disappointedin her Matthew would be.

A quarter of an hour later Graham was gone,with a slam of the front door and a screech ofexpensive tyres. Matthew was relieved there hadbeen no serious confrontation.

“What am I going to say to my mum?” moanedHelena.

“She’ll probably say it’s only what she expected,she never did like him,” said Matthew with a smile.“Or something cryptic, like ‘Well, his mother wasfrom Rotherham’.”

363

Helena began to laugh, then gradually lapsedinto sobbing, or more accurately a hybrid mixtureof the two.

364

Chapter 45Old flames

“Thirty-three must just be a rubbish birthday,”said Helena.

“I don’t think it’s universal, it’s just you andme,” replied Matthew. “Or was that the wrongthing to say?”

Helena gave a half-hearted snort and sippedher tea morosely. Since Graham had left she’d beenspending as much time as possible out of the house,and she particularly hadn’t wanted to be there onher birthday.

“Now then, who wants cake?” asked Helena’smum as she returned to her living room. “Look atthe pair of you - has somebody died?”

“Just Helena’s spirit, I think.”“I feel old and abandoned and useless,” Helena

complained. “Thirty-three and I haven’t doneanything yet, and I’m on my own, and…”

“Oh, hark at her!” Mrs Robertshawinterrupted. “Thirty-three’s no age at all, I’d onlyjust had you when I was that age, and I’d neverbeen abroad and we were still living with Frank’sparents. Any age is what you make it; you want toframe yourself, madam. It’s all this fancy living that

365

does for you.” She turned to Matthew: “And don’tyou go encouraging her, she’ll just wallow. Did youwant cake or have I made it for the fun of it?”

“Just a small slice,” said Matthew with a laugh.“Better give Helena a huge slab.” He laughedagain as Helena stuck her tongue out.

“I hate to say this,” began Helena as her mumdisappeared to fetch their cake, “But she’s probablyright. Once the house has finally sold and I'vemoved somewhere else I’ll probably feel better. It’sjust a constant reminder at the moment.”

“Move back here for a bit while you're waiting,”suggested Matthew with as straight a face as hecould muster. Helena didn’t even dignify it with ananswer.

A short while later, Helena’s troubles seemed tobe easing: someone had made a reasonable offerfor her house, she’d found a three-bedroomedterrace with a sheltered back garden, and all thelegal proceedings were underway. She should havebeen much happier, but as Matthew pointed outwhen she called in to see him on her way homefrom work, she wasn’t acting like it.

“Maybe you need a complete break, not just anew house,” he suggested.

“What, you mean I could be a teacher too? Nothanks.”

“You don’t need to be that extreme but you366

could get a new job, you’ve been there nearlytwelve years.”

“Have I? Oh God, so I have. Matthew that’s sodepressing.”

“Do you want some of this to cheer you up?” heasked, opening the oven door. “I’ve made enoughfor two, I was going to have half for lunchtomorrow.”

“No you’re alright, I wouldn’t want to…” Shebroke off as the smell hit her and transported herto another postgrad student’s kitchen, nearby inspace if not in time. “Is that lentil and mushroombake?”

“Oh, yes, I hadn’t thought about that. They’rechopped quite fine, you’d have a job picking themout.”

“At least you know I don’t like them.”“Course I do,” said Matthew with a frown.

“You’re off then, are you?”“I’ll let you eat in peace,” she said, and hurried

out to her car.The following morning as she flicked through

the paper, rushing through her cold toast andlukewarm tea before she left for work, a namecaught her eye and she stopped. She wondered if itwas some sort of sign, and if so, what it was a signof. Probably a sign that she was cracking up:Matthew was happier buying cheap veg than cheap

367

meat, so it wasn’t surprising that he’d cook thesame vegetarian meals as Keith sometimes now thatmoney was tight, and as for the newspaper, shewouldn’t have read the article unless she’d noticedKeith’s name, and she must have noticed it becauseshe’d thought of him last night. She folded thepaper, finished her tea and left the house, but shecouldn’t quite dismiss the coincidence.

By mid-morning Helena was finding it hard toconcentrate, so for peace of mind she decided to dosomething about it. She found the staff directoryon the LSE website, typed ‘Ridgeden, Keith’ andclicked the Search button. A few seconds later itthrew up his office phone number and e-mailaddress. She could just e-mail him, tell him she sawhim quoted in the paper and wanted to say hi, buthe might not reply and then she’d keep thinkingabout it.

She felt more nervous than she’d expected to,as she listened to the phone ring out three times,four … “Keith Ridgeden.”

He sounded hassled, like he’d been disturbedfrom something important, and Helena had toswallow twice before she could be confident ofsounding reasonably normal.

“Keith? It’s Helena, Helena Robertshaw.”“Oh God, Helena! How are you these days?

God, I haven’t heard from you in years.”368

He sounded pleased, relaxed, and Helena wasrelieved that he didn’t seem to have forgotten her.

“Is everything OK? I mean it’s lovely to hearyour voice after all this time, but it’s a bit sudden.”

“Oh, I saw you quoted in the Telegraph thismorning and it got me wondering about you, youknow. I’m fine though, really. What about you?What have you been up to, except giving yourconsidered opinions to the press?”

He laughed, and it made Helena smile to hearthat laugh again, brought back floods of memoriesand a faint prickle of emotion at the corners of hereyes.

“Well, they’ve got to have a quote fromsomeone, it sounds good if they can stick a ‘D’ ‘R’in front. Anyway, what have I been up to? Well, I’vebeen married for about eight years now: Elizabethworks for Greenpeace.”

Helena put the first name and the surnametogether, and came up with a prominentGreenpeace campaign manager.

“I suppose I should’ve guessed, really. I’ve seenher on TV, I think.”

“Yes, she’s the real rentagob round here.”He laughed again, and Helena wondered why

on earth she’d phoned him.“What else? We’ve got a little girl of five, and a

boy who’s just coming up to fifteen months. You369

know what I’m doing for a living, so that probablyabout covers it. What have you been up to? Are youmarried?”

Another stab of emotion: no, no husband, nochildren, nothing much to report on the life front.

“No, I’m not married. I did have a partner, buthe had an affair and he’s moved in with her now.”

She wasn’t sure why she’d said that. Bitterness,probably: the wound was still fresh and Grahamwas often lurking just below the surface of herthoughts.

“Matthew’s …You never met Matthew, didyou?”

“Doesn’t ring a bell. Who’s Matthew?”“He was a guy I worked with when I was a

graduate trainee, he’s nice, you’d like him.”She realised how much Matthew had changed

over the years: she genuinely believed that if sheintroduced Keith to him now they’d get onbrilliantly, but back in 1988 when she first metMatthew and was about to leave Keith, she thoughtthey would have rubbed each other up the wrongway as soon as they entered the same room, andhad chosen never to chance it.

“Anyway, he’s training to be a teacher now butyou don’t know him, so …I’m still an accountant,still at the same firm in fact.”

There was a long pause. Helena had exhausted370

her store of things that Keith didn’t really need toknow. She was no longer in touch with the fewfriends of hers that Keith had known, and shecouldn’t think of anything interesting to tell him.

“Anyway, you’re probably really busy, and I’mat work too, so …”

“It was great to hear from you. I should getmyself quoted in the papers more often, see if I candredge up some other old friends.”

Helena laughed insincerely and they said theirgoodbyes. She felt dejected as she lowered thephone from her ear, though quite what she’d beenexpecting from an impromptu conversation with aman she'd split up with twelve years earlier, shedidn’t know. It occurred to her that she shouldhave told him that her dad had died, but it was oldnews now and it would have been awkwardaccepting his sympathy. Besides, she didn’t want toadd the death of a parent to her pitiful catalogue oftwelve years of nothing.

After work she went to Marks and Spencer,bought a meal’s worth of pre-prepared food, andtook it to share with Matthew. He didn’t commenton how agitated she was, waiting for her to tell himwhat was wrong, as he knew she would eventually.

“I spoke to Keith today,” blurted Helena intothe silence after the meal.

Matthew frowned, searching through his371

memory for any mutual friends named Keith. “Keith?” he asked, not coming up with anyone.“You remember — my boyfriend back when I

first met you; the peace protester,” suppliedHelena, with a certain amusement.

“Oh. Did you just happen to bump into him inthe street?” Matthew was somewhat puzzled as towhy such a thing had taken so long to occur, ifKeith was still in the vicinity.

“No, I phoned him,” she said, looking down ather empty plate and straightening the knife andfork resting on it.

Matthew remained silent, watching Helena’sdiscomfort. He had no intention of prying, andreally it didn’t matter to him how many ex-boyfriends she got in touch with, but he wonderedwhat had prompted her, and if she’d spent all theseyears wishing she hadn’t ditched Keith when shewas twenty-one. Helena continued, still not lookingat Matthew:

“He was quoted in the paper, you know, one ofthose expert opinions. Did you see it?” she asked,looking up briefly. “Oh no, you don’t read theTelegraph, do you? Anyway, he was, and it said hewas at LSE, and I was just wondering…” She tailedoff, apparently mesmerised by her own fingernailsresting on the edge of the table. “Don’t you everwonder what happened to people? People who

372

used to be part of your life, then they’re notaround anymore and every so often you wonderwhat they’re doing, and if they remember you.”

“Yes, I often wonder if my son remembers me,”said Matthew, matter-of-factly.

Helena looked up at Matthew with such pity onher face that he grimaced.

“Sorry. Go on, you were wondering what hadhappened to Keith,” he said.

“Yes, well, for some completely idiotic reason Idecided to look him up on the university website,and I phoned him.” She laughed, nervously. “He’smarried, to that Greenpeace woman, ElizabethRidgeden. The one that’s always on TV, banging onabout global warming.”

“Ah yes,” said Matthew with a grin, feelinglighter now he knew Keith was firmly out ofHelena's nostalgic reach. “Have you got yourselfsome energy-saving lightbulbs yet?”

“Matthew, if you can be bothered to go roundswopping the bulbs in all my house-lights, and wall-lights, and my bedside-lamp, and the outside lights,I will gladly pay for a houseful of your preciousenergy-saving bulbs to help you rest easier at night.I still don’t think it makes a blind bit of difference.”

“OK, you’re on, I’ll change them all thisweekend. Keith’s married to a greenie…”

“Oh, yes. They’ve got a couple of kids I think373

he said,” she blustered, losing her thread a little,and beginning to be annoyed both with Matthewfor interrupting, and herself for pouring all thisout. “Anyway you never knew him so I don’tsuppose it matters. It was a very short conversation,I couldn’t think of anything much to say. Shall Iwash up?”

Matthew watched her as she pushed her chairback vehemently and stacked the plates and dishesin front of him with a clatter. If he hadn’t butted inwith a less-than-serious comment as usual, hemight have found out more about how she wasfeeling. He wished he’d learn that sometimes it’sbest just to listen; he could hardly ask her nowwhat she’d felt as she spoke to Keith for the firsttime in twelve years, and if she missed himparticularly, or was just yearning for a time long-past. He got up and followed her to the sink.

“I’ll do those, you can see what’s on the radio.”

374

Chapter 46Broadening horizons

Over the following weeks, into the start of June,Matthew didn’t see Helena and barely spoke to heron the phone. She was busy getting ready to move,and Matthew was going on a succession of pointlessdates, trying to make the most of the diversity ofhis fellow students before his course finished. Noneof it went anywhere; it felt like his heart just wasn’tin it any more. The younger women had vastlydifferent cultural references and the older ones allseemed too serious, with little or no sense ofhumour. The old Matthew might have foundredeeming features, but now it didn’t seem worththe effort. He was relieved when Helena rang himand asked him to spend Saturday helping her pack.

He knocked on Helena’s door and tried thehandle at the same time; it was open so he steppedinside.

“Hello! Where are you?” he called as he walkedthrough the kitchen. He hesitated on the steps intothe living room as he caught sight of someoneleaning over a box, but then she smiled at him overher shoulder and he continued. “That threw mefor a minute. When did you have that done?”

375

“Do you like it?” she smiled, patting her hair,now with just enough layering on the top to stop itfrom being simply cropped. “It kept getting in theway, I’ve been doing so much cleaning and shiftingboxes and going in the attic and everything. And Ifancied a change. Which is why I’m handing mynotice in this week as well.”

“Are you? I didn’t know you’d been looking fora new job.”

“Well, I have and I haven’t. Sit down and I’llmake some tea, I want to run something past you.”

“Oh yes, that sounds ominous.”

#

“And how am I supposed to afford that?” askedMatthew, reasonably enough, as Helena finishedexplaining her idea.

“Well it doesn’t matter, I’ll pay for you, butdon’t you think it’d be a good idea?”

“What? You can’t pay for a month’s travel andaccommodation, that’s ridiculous!”

“Matthew it’s nothing, I’ve been earning plenty,I’ll hardly notice it. Would you like to go?”

“No. I’m not letting you pay, and I can’t affordit.”

“Matthew you infuriating, pig-headed…! Youcan pay me back if it makes you feel better, interest-

376

free over thirty years, how about that? I’ve wantedto do this for so long…” She stopped, and changedtack. “Can’t you think of it as doing me a favour? Iwouldn’t want to go off on my own for a month, I’dgo mad, and I can’t think of anyone better to gowith.” Matthew only frowned, and exhaled loudly.“What about if I employ you as a bodyguard?”

“What, like Kevin Costner?” he smiled andraised an eyebrow. “I don’t know, I’ll think aboutit.”

Matthew’s suggestion that Helena needed acomplete break rather than just a new house hadstarted her thinking. She had indeed been workingat the same firm for almost twelve years, andthough she’d tried to be evasive with hercolleagues, her split with Graham was nowcommon knowledge and she wouldn’t be sorry toleave the gossip behind. With the move lined upfor the end of the month, this seemed like the idealtime to resign. Mindful of her birthday complaintthat she hadn’t done anything yet, she’d barelystarted looking for a new job before she decided towait a while and take the opportunity to dosomething different. She still wanted to travel, notto a safe, sandy resort as she had with Graham, andnot on her own as she had for her disastrousFrench holiday, and she wasn’t just flatteringMatthew when she said she couldn’t think of

377

anyone better to go with. Matthew was well-readand had a better ear for languages than Helena,not to mention the fact that he was her best friend;if she wanted to spend a month exploring Europe,he seemed like the ideal companion.

“So where were you thinking of going?” askedMatthew later as he dusted framed prints andpropped them against the sofa to be wrapped.

“Well, Europe I think. Then I can get about bytrain and see a bit of scenery and stuff instead ofjust flying somewhere.”

“Europe’s quite large,” Matthew pointed out.“Scandinavia? Mediterranean? Communist bloc?”

“Yes.”“Which?”“All of them, if we’ve got time.”“We’d have time, it just depends how long you

want to stay in one place and which bits you wantto see. We could start with Scandinavia, you can geta ferry to Norway from Newcastle, can’t you?” Heleaned against the back of the sofa, duster forgottenin his hand as he started to plan their trip. Helenahid her smile behind a sheet of newspaper.

#

The last weekend in June saw Helena in abrighter mood than she’d experienced in months.

378

Friday had been her last day at work since she’dstill had holiday to take, and Matthew had gonewith her to the leaving do after work, partly for alast farewell to the few of his ex-colleagues thatremained, but mainly to celebrate the last day of hisPGCE course. Assuming he’d passed everything heneeded to, he would be a teacher come September,having tentatively fixed up a post at one of hisplacement schools. Preparations for the Europeanodyssey were well in hand, with only a fortnight tilltheir embarkation date, and Helena was movinghouse on Tuesday.

She practically danced round the house in herdressing gown, revelling in the lack of painfulmemories. She thought this might be due to theemptiness, it was certainly hard to tell that this hadbeen Graham’s pride, the architect-designedbungalow with the stylishly modern furnishings.Now it was more like an expensive shed for storingboxes, almost empty of furniture, which had mostlybeen sold so they could divide the cash fairly;Helena thought it sensible to wait until her returnbefore buying replacements. She looked throughthe patio doors onto the smooth lawn andwondered if she was buying a terraced house with amodest back garden as a deliberate rejection ofGraham and all she associated with him, or becauseall of this had never really been her. Whatever the

379

reason, she’d be out of here in a few days and anew phase of her life would begin.

Helena didn’t bother to unpack much in thenew house since she wouldn’t be there long beforeshe went away. Her mum had promised to look inevery couple of days to check nothing was amiss,though Helena could tell that she thought thewhole trip was madness, never mind leaving herhouse unoccupied for a month with everythingneatly stored in easy-to-carry cardboard boxes as aconvenience for burglars. If Matthew hadn’t beeninvolved Mrs Robertshaw would have been a lotmore vocal on the subject, but it was hard todisapprove of the golden boy, and for that Helenawas thankful.

Matthew had arranged for them to travel bytrain to Newcastle and get the transfer bus to theferry port. Helena had protested, but Matthewpointed out that if she couldn’t manage to usepublic transport for a short leg of the journey inEngland, she wasn’t in a position to cope with therest of the month’s travels, and she gave in.Matthew had done a small amount of travellingover the years, during university vacations, andaround Spain when he’d been staying with hisparents, and he had more of an idea than Helenawhat to take. Two days before their departure hesat on Helena’s bedroom floor beside her brand

380

new rucksack and eyed her pile of possessions.“Please tell me those aren’t all to take with you,”

he said, prodding a stack of paperbacks.“They’re for the train,” she protested.“I thought you wanted to see the scenery?

They’re a waste of space and they’re heavy. Takeone, then swop it with someone or leave it behindsomewhere and buy a new one.”

“Leave it behind?”“Obviously you don’t take anything you’re

bothered about. And what’s this?”“It’s a make-up bag, Matthew.”“I can see that. It’s huge.”“I can hardly go a whole month without it, can

I?”“I’ve seen you without make-up, remember,” he

said, throwing the make-up bag onto the pile ofbooks. “It’s bad for your skin, anyway. What’snext?”

“You’re not going to start rifling through myunderwear pile now, are you?”

“Not if I can help it,” he grinned. “Have yougot plenty of layers with you?”

Infuriating as he was, Helena knew he wastrying to be helpful, and in the end they hadeverything packed to Matthew’s satisfaction. Shecould always buy make-up in Norway.

381

Chapter 47Return

In the event, Helena didn’t buy make-up inNorway, or in Sweden, Denmark, Germany, theCzech Republic, Poland, Hungary, Austria, Italy orSpain. Apart from being short on time, spendingno more than a couple of days in any city, shenever missed it. Nor did she read much, insteadspending the long journeys watching the sceneryand sharing childhood stories with Matthew;Helena thought they talked more in that monththan they had even when they’d shared a house. Aswell as learning more about Matthew, Helena alsolearned a surprising amount of European history;Matthew was reasonably well-versed in it but toHelena, who had never had much interest inhistory at school and hadn’t picked any up since, hewas like a walking encyclopedia. They spent thefirst couple of days in August with Matthew’sparents, to wind down in the sun after the packedschedule of the preceding weeks, then flew back toEngland reinvigorated and ready for theirrespective new starts.

Surrounded by hundreds of photos, and notesscribbled on napkins that had been intended to

382

enable her to write a travel journal when shearrived home, Helena contemplated her future inthe new living room still full of untouched boxes.For half a day she thought about how she hadmanaged for almost a month with a handful ofpossessions, and she almost started loading the carfor a trip to a charity shop. Then she realised thather haphazard packing methods meant that photoswould be packed with kitchen gadgets, old diarieswith cheap paperbacks and ornaments; she wouldhave to unpack before she could pare down, andonce they were out it would be harder to let thingsgo. Gradually she acknowledged that life at homewas not like life on holiday - she wouldn’t seeMatthew every day for one thing. However, it wasstill possible to carry over some lessons from theEuropean trip, and she determined to thinkcarefully about furnishing her new house — didshe need it or just want it? — as well as about hercareer.

While Helena was definitely not about to goback to university, and had no desire to followMatthew into teaching even if teachers did get longholidays, she did wonder if she needed to go backto the same old thing. Did she need such a largesalary, such a structured nine-to-five job? Wouldshe be happier with the greater freedom of part-time work or self-employment? What would she do

383

with her freedom if she got it?

#

By the time Christmas came around, Helenahad used some of her free time to make presentsshe was more happy to give than the ones she feltshe could afford. Even on her part-time hours shewas earning more than Matthew had when heworked for the local council, but she had a biggermortgage, a car, and a taste for Marks and Spencerfood, so it was wise to be cautious for a while. Herjob-share was working well, almost replicating herprevious job in condensed form, though she hadfurther to travel. She hadn’t seen as much ofMatthew as she’d imagined she would, thinkingthat her free afternoons and his mid-afternoonfinishes would give them more opportunity tospend time together. She hadn’t reckoned on thepiles of marking, lesson preparation, supervisingafter-school clubs and the sheer exhaustion. Shewouldn’t see him for Christmas this year, either, ashe had decided to accept his parents’ invitation; theinvitation had in fact been extended to Helena andher mum in return for their hospitality to Matthewin previous years, but of course Mrs Robertshawhad no desire to spend Christmas in a strangehouse in a strange country, and Helena couldn’t

384

leave her on her own.Matthew arrived home a few days after

Christmas and invited himself to Helena’s for newyear’s eve, which she was happy to allow. Hearrived late in the afternoon with a video, a box ofBlack Magic and a bottle of pseudo-champagne.When Helena opened the door and saw whatlooked like the ingredients of a romantic eveningfrom the dreadful 1980s films she’d spent so muchtime watching, she felt a confusing fluttersomewhere inside. The chocolates turned out to befrom Matthew’s parents for them to share, and thevideo was 2001: A Space Odyssey.

“You brought a science fiction film round towatch?”

“Helena, we’re hours away from 2001; if therewas ever a time to watch this film, that time is now.”

“But you’ve seen it loads of times, and I’venever wanted to,” she pointed out.

“Not the point at all, and you know it. Have achoccie.” Matthew proffered the open box.

“OK, I take it we have to watch it at midnight.There’s plenty of time to enjoy myself first.”

The intervening hours between Matthew’sarrival and the start of the midnight film-watchingwere mostly enjoyable. They cooked and ate apleasant meal, commenting on the eventful yearthey’d both had, and Matthew teased Helena about

385

her apparent change in outlook since their summertrip, asking when she was taking up organicvegetable growing and moving to a commune. Shedefended herself with a pout, but in reality she waspleased that Matthew had noticed the change, andbeneath the playful questioning he seemed toapprove. She wasn’t sure why she should seek orenjoy Matthew’s approval, but maybe it was anatural human need, and it wasn’t as if she hadanyone else around to fulfil it. The conversationeventually, after most of a bottle of wine Helenahad provided with dinner, turned to themomentous date they were facing: Helena mightnot have seen the film but 2001 had alwayssounded like a pretty futuristic year, even to her.

“I used to think we’d all have computerisedhouses — you know, all those gadgets likesomething from the Ideal Home Show,” giggledHelena.

“Or like Mon Oncle.”“Your uncle’s got a computerised house?”

Helena was intrigued and slightly puzzled as shehadn’t thought Matthew had any uncles.

“It’s a film. Never mind.” Matthew smiled andshook his head.

“Oh. Anyway I used to sit and work out howold I’d be in different years, and I thought in 2001I’d be thirty-three, which sounded very grown-up

386

then. I don’t think it feels it, now. And I’d bemarried and I’d have children and we’d live in ourcomputerised house…I think a long time ago Ithought I might end up as a primary schoolteacher.” She laughed. “You don’t tend to thinkyou’re going to be a part-time accountant whenyou grow up, do you?”

“Not usually, no.”“What did you think you’d be doing in 2001?”“Watching the film a lot, probably; I assumed

they’d re-release it at the pictures.”“Typical.”Matthew paused to consider for a few moments.

“I can’t remember. I’m willing to bet large sums ofmoney it didn’t involve teaching maths, beingdivorced and having a son whose face I can barelypicture.”

They sat in silence for a while until Helenapointed out that it was supposed to be a festiveevening, and they retired to the living room towatch seasonal trash on TV to keep them frombrooding.

At five to twelve Matthew fast-forwardedthrough all the pre-film detritus, keeping the videopaused at the very start of 2001, waiting for thelocal church clock to strike midnight. In themeantime he prepared himself, Black Magic at theready, cushion at the small of his back, feet on the

387

sofa with his legs arched over Helena’s lap.“Oy!” She poked him in the calf. “What’s this?”“Getting comfy,” he replied with a grin, making

a big deal of settling himself into the cushions.“I can’t see over your knees.”“Well move this way a bit.”If it was anyone else, Helena would have taken

it as a none too subtle seduction, but since it wasonly Matthew, she piled a couple of cushionsagainst his chest and side and shifted to a semi-comfortable position as they heard the start of thechurch clock’s announcement of midnight in thedistance, and nearer at hand some of Helena’sneighbours cheering.

“Go on then, press play,” said Helena, nowlooking forward to seeing the film and finding outwhy Matthew was so enamoured of it.

“Before we start, no chattering; I know whatyou’re like.”

Helena looked up at Matthew and solemnlymade a zipping motion along her lips, but the filmhad barely begun before she broke the silence.

“So is this like Planet of the Apes? All themonkeys take over in the future?”

“No. Shush.”“Well what are they doing then?”“This is way back in the past. If you watched it

quietly you might follow it better.”388

“You can really tell you’re a teacher.”“Thankfully I don’t have to teach drunk kids.”“I am not drunk!” she protested, elbowing

Matthew in the stomach as she sat up.“Fine, but you’re not having any more fizzy

stuff. Sit down and let me watch the film.”Helena pouted, and threw herself into the

cushions a little harder than was necessary, causingMatthew to wince. When she’d stayed silent for tenminutes, Matthew asked if she was in a mood, thenrealised she’d fallen asleep. He extricated his armfrom underneath Helena and her cushions andrested it on her shoulders, then settled back toenjoy one of his favourite films. What a way to starta new millennium.

389

Chapter 48Same old mistakes

Early in the new year Helena decided it wastime to start dating again. She couldn’t rememberhow dates happened; seven years ago she’d metGraham by shopping for electrical items in thesales, and she doubted that would work twice. Werethere different rules for women in their thirties?Had the whole thing changed since she was last inthe market for a new boyfriend? Was she too old torefer to someone as a boyfriend?

“Matthew, how do I find a man?”It was a strange question to erupt from the

Sunday afternoon silence in Helena’s living room,but Matthew waved tentatively and lookedquestioningly over his mug of tea.

“No, I mean a boyfriend. Only probably olderthan that.”

She uncurled herself and sat up in the armchairattentively while Matthew considered severalresponses, all unsuitable.

“Have you tried walking slowly around thesupermarket with conspicuous ready-meals forone?”

“Then I’ll just look pathetic.”390

“Well what about the adverts in the paper?WLTM GSOH BSc PhD, whatever it is you write inthese things.”

Helena looked aghast. “Oh Matthew, that’s even worse.”He shrugged. “Might be worth a try.”Turning thirty-four at the end of April finally

jolted her into taking Matthew’s idea seriously. Shecould practically hear the ticking of her biologicalclock as a real background noise, and she’d had tostop buying glossy magazines altogether, all thearticles seemingly either directed at youngerwomen or working mothers. For a few weeks sheread scores of ads, deciphering the acronyms andtrying to decide what characteristics wereimportant, what images certain phrases brought tomind. Eventually with Matthew’s assistance shewrote an advert she was happy with and sent it tothe Yorkshire Post.

Responses ranged from the laughable to thecreepy but after months of one-date disasters, all ofthem with Matthew at Helena’s request reading abook and sipping his way through a pint in thecorner of the pub ‘just in case’, Helena madeprogress. Noel Cunliffe was a forty-one year oldassistant bank manager, so recently divorced youcould still see the faint impression of a weddingring on his finger; as he’d said when Helena’s eyes

391

first rested on the band of pale skin, he’d put onsome weight in the last eighteen years and it hadbeen a lot harder to take the ring off than it hadbeen to put it on. He wasn’t particularly rich orexciting, but he made her laugh and he didn’tseem to find it odd that she worked part-time forno particular reason. Noel had been out of the loopfor quite a while as well, and as a result they hadsomething of an old-fashioned and gradualcourtship, which suited Helena’s cautious re-engagement with the world of relationships.

Noel’s appearance on the scene coincided moreor less with the start of a new school term, whichmeant Helena could spend evenings with Noelwithout deserting her best friend, but it also meantthat Matthew was too busy to spend much timelistening to Helena prattle on about her new flame.She still hadn’t thought of a good word to replaceboyfriend; Matthew suggested beau, but Helenapointed out that they weren’t, thankfully, living inGone With the Wind, and also that it didn’t havequite the same ring in a Yorkshire accent. Mainly topacify Helena, though partly from a desire to vetNoel, who he’d only met briefly, Matthew invitedthem both along to a party on the Friday beforebonfire night.

Noel collected first Helena, then Matthew, anddrove them the few miles to Matthew’s colleague’s

392

house. The door was answered by a forty-something woman dressed in voluminous brightly-coloured clothes that fit Helena’s mental picture ofan art teacher perfectly. Disappointingly she turnedout to be the sister of Matthew’s colleague Frances,who was dressed with more sober style when shejoined them a few minutes later.

“Matthew darling, you made it. Now I won’thug you, I know you don’t like that sort of thingbut you’ll have to keep an eye on me, I’ve beentesting the wine.” She winked at Matthew thenbeamed at Helena expectantly.

“You did say bring friends, Frances.”“Indeed I did. Are you going to introduce me?”“This is Helena…”“I had a feeling it must be, I’ve heard an awful

lot about you, dear.”“And Helena’s chap, Noel,” continued Matthew,

gesturing to the quiet, balding man by Helena’selbow.

“Oh. Hello Noel,” said Frances, nodding to himbut looking puzzled. “How terribly open-minded ofyou. Let me get you all a glass of wine,” she said,patting Matthew’s arm as she walked away.

“Is she always like that?” asked Helena, aghast.“Take no notice, she got it into her head that

you were my…whatever you want to call it at thisage. No amount of explaining gets through to her;

393

I’ve given up, to be honest. At least she thinks I’mspoken for.”

“I can see why that would be a relief. PoorNoel, reduced to a bit-part in a menage a trois,”she laughed, grabbing his hand. Noel smileduncomfortably; he didn’t seem cut out for partiesand Matthew wondered why Helena was going outwith someone so dull when he didn’t even have aflashy car.

#

Noel was staying with family in Scotland overChristmas, and Helena was happy enough to spendthe day with Matthew at her mum’s but she hadarranged to see Noel on New Year’s Eve. Theywere only going to Matthew’s local, the pub whereall Helena’s first dates that year had taken place,but she was looking forward to seeing the new yearin with a more positive attitude than she had theyear before. She mused on her changed outlook asshe struggled through the post-Christmas sales,and made a mental note to ring Matthew when shegot home and ask what he was doing for new year,mainly to assuage her guilt at realising she hadn’tthought about that earlier. She was so lost inthought it took her a moment to realise the man onthe other side of the display unit was Noel.

394

“Noel!” she called, trying to move through thecrowd to reach him. She saw his panicked look andhis wedding ring at about the same time, and shehoped that at least some of the anger and disgustshe felt showed in her face, because she couldn’tthink of any suitable words. Of course he blurtedout all the hackneyed old excuses: his wife had lostinterest, they were only staying together throughconvenience and inertia, she’d never made him feellike Helena did. Helena wondered how Grahamhad explained her to Elaine, and what they’d saidabout her when she wasn’t there. Noel’s torrent ofcliché was halted by a teenage girl waving a shirt athim from a few racks away: “Dad! Can I have thisone?”

“Hang on sweetheart, this is work - I’ll be withyou in a sec,” he called, then turned back toHelena. “Look, I’ll ring you later.”

“Don’t bother,” she muttered as she pushed herway through the surrounding shoppers, desperatefor fresh cold air. She was so furious she wasstarting to shake, but by the time she’d dug out hermobile and asked Matthew to meet her in a pub,she was having a hard time holding back the tears.

A couple of hours later, Matthew had not onlycalmed her down but cheered her up, and she wasfeeling much brighter when they left the pub. Itwas when they neared the junction at which they’d

395

have to part company, and Helena contemplatedthe solitary walk in the dark to an empty house thatthe misery returned.

“Oh Matthew, why does everyone have to haveaffairs?”

“You haven’t, have you?”“No, I mean men.”“Not all of us do,” he protested as he put his

arm round her and drew her into a hug.“Some of you just have gigging buddies.”

Helena sniffed and wiped her face with the back ofher hand, not wanting to dampen Matthew’s lapels.

“Honestly! Sam was a nice girl and I likedspending time with her but we really did just go togigs.”

“I believe you Matthew, thousands wouldn’t.”“I like spending time with you, doesn’t mean

there’s anything going on,” he retorted, morevehemently than he’d intended. Helenadisengaged herself and set off again slowly, and notfor the first time he cursed his big mouth.

“I’ll see you later, I’d better get off home.”“What are you doing at new year now?” he

asked quickly.“Dunno. Is there a sequel to the film we

watched last year?”“Can’t watch that for another 8 years I’m

afraid, it’s set in 2010.”396

“Oh.” Helena had been joking. “Does it have tobe a year-specific film or can we just get togetheranyway?”

“Go on then,” said Matthew with amusedexasperation. “I know you’re dying to make mewatch You’ve Got Mail or something. You can comeround mine this year.”

“Poor Matthew, all these years and I’m stillrunning to you for comfort.” She gave him a tighthug and a peck on the cheek and he watched herhurry away round the corner.

397

Chapter 49The end?

To keep things simple, Helena didn’t tell hermum about Noel until she went to have lunch withher on New Year’s Day, and even then she didn’ttell her he was married, or that she had spent newyear with Matthew instead. All her mum needed toknow was that Helena wouldn’t be seeing Noelagain. Mrs Robertshaw had never met Noel but itdidn’t stop her from claiming it had been obvioushe wasn’t right for Helena from the start. Helenawas no longer sure what was right for her, but sheknew she’d felt relaxed and content at Matthew’sthe night before, not minding his good-naturedcomplaints about the film she’d taken round towatch, and she’d been worrying all morning aboutwhere that line of reasoning might lead her.

Over lunch the conversation gradually becamea monologue full of her mum’s usual heavy-handedhints about the wonderful sons-in-law of herfriends at church, and her own advanced age withrelation to the possibility of ever enjoying thecompany of grandchildren. Helena had more orless stopped listening by the time she got up fromthe table to start washing up. She had argued

398

herself round to the view that if sharing a housewith Matthew had worked before it could workagain, and whereas it was well-known to everyone,particularly herself, that she’d never remotelyconsidered the possibility of romanticentanglement with Matthew, life without all thecomplications of dating and marriage andeverything that went with that might be better. Shehadn’t considered what Matthew might think aboutthe idea when her mum broke into her thoughts.

“What’s wrong with Matthew?”“What?” She paused in the act of rinsing a

dinner plate.“Well, he’s a nice enough lad, you seem to like

him.”“I don’t think Matthew falls under the ‘lad’

category any more.”“That’s what I’m trying to say: you’re neither of

you getting any younger.”“Matthew and I are just friends, mum.”“The rate you’re going, girl, you won’t be

looking for anything more in a husband; past acertain age all you care about is whether he canmake you laugh, and will he ever clean thebathroom unbidden.”

Torn between laughing uproariously andthrowing a wet pint jug across the room, Helenakept her eyes firmly on the sink full of suds.

399

“Mum, will you stop it! I’m not entirely decrepityet; I haven’t started buying beige cardigans andgoing to bed at eight o’clock.”

“Just think on, that’s all,” replied her mum, asshe demurely sipped her tea.

Helena thought about it more than sheconsidered healthy, then offered to go over andcook Matthew dinner that Sunday evening, thenight before the start of term. She hadn’t been withhim more than a quarter of an hour when sherealised her idea wouldn’t work; just because shewas ready to give up on romance didn’t meanMatthew was and she didn’t want to deprive him ofthat. Despite his constant self-deprecation he had alot going for him and at not quite thirty-six was stillplenty young enough to find a wife more worthy ofhim than Louise had been.

“Did you tell your mum about Noel?” askedMatthew as they finished eating.

“I didn’t tell her he was married, she wouldn’thave shut up for a week. I just told her he wasunsuitable as a long-term prospect.”

“Isn’t everyone unsuitable in your mum’seyes?”

“Everyone except you, yes,” laughed Helena.“Well naturally, but not everyone can be graced

with my charm, good looks, intelligence…”“Naturally,” interrupted Helena with a smile.

400

“Maybe you should marry me, just to keep yourmum happy.”

“She did suggest it,” admitted Helena, gettingup to put the kettle on.

“Did she?” laughed Matthew. “And what wasyour reply? Or would it just give me a big head?”

“You’ve already got one, haven’t you? I think Ijust ignored her.”

“Ah, that’s because you can’t think of a goodargument against it.”

“Of course it is Matthew.”Helena followed Matthew through to the living

room when she’d made the tea, sitting on the sofacarefully to avoid the stacks of exercise books piledalong the top, balanced precariously against thewall. Matthew assured her that they wouldn’t fallunless she made any sudden movements, but hedidn’t want to move them because they weresupposed to remind him they were still to bemarked.

“You lazy sod, you’ve had all holiday!”exclaimed Helena.

“Yeah, well.”Helena looked serious and put her hand to her

chest: “Matthew I’m terribly disappointed in you.How could I ever marry such a slacker?” Then shegrinned, sipped her tea and laughed.

“How indeed?”401

Matthew grinned back at her and felt like hisold self, the self-confidence welling up with thethought that a new year is a time for newbeginnings. As she turned away and pointed to thecalendar to ask if it was a photo of Scarborough, healmost laughed out loud at the golden opportunityand seized it, entirely forgetting his own advice.

#

“I’ll make another pot,” said Matthew, pickingup Helena’s mug from where it had landed whenthe avalanche of books knocked it from her hand.

“No, I’d better go when I’ve done this,” saidHelena, not looking up from the sofa cushion shewas furiously scrubbing at with kitchen roll.

“You don’t have to,” replied Matthew, meaningshe could stay as long as she liked, preferablyforever, but whether purposefully or not Helenatook it differently.

“It was my tea, the least I can do is wipe it up. Ithink your books must’ve been giving you a hint soI’ll leave you to your marking.”

“What, because they threw themselves into myline of sight?”

Helena’s suddenly red face told him she knewfine well he’d knocked them off the back of thesofa, and he could only have been attempting to

402

put his arm round her.“You need an early night, anyway,” she said.For the first time their parting was awkward,

the flustered Helena not quite knowing what to sayor where to look, wondering what might havehappened had the books stayed put, andremembering the drunk elbowing Matthew allthose years ago at the bus stop. When Matthewclosed the door behind her he slowly and gentlybeat his forehead against the glass panel as hewatched her hurry away with her head down.Turning round to lean against the door, wonderingwhether he’d got it all wrong and made a mess ofeverything he cared about the most, he didn’t seeher face as she hesitated at the corner and lookedback.

403

About the Author

JY Saville lives in West Yorkshire and writes non-genre fiction in between forays into sci-fi, fantasy,and crime. She blogs about writing atthousandmonkeys.wordpress.com and details of allher published books and stories are available there.She also tweets sporadically (@JYSaville).

#

Also by JY Saville(correct at January 2016)

Graphic Novels and Comics(with Mark Pexton and Andrew Woods)

Boys Don’t CryThe Moon of Endine

Short StoriesThe Little Book of Northern Women

Cracks in the FoundationsLinks to freely-available published short stories can

be found atthousandmonkeys.wordpress.com/about

404