by Ian Birtwistle and Sam Beast Webb
Version 2.0 - February 2013
Published by Rockfax Rockfax 2008, 2013
Thanks to all the climbers who have spent time and effort equipping routes on the walls
covered in this MiniGuide. In particular the dude/lady dude who stitched up Tabigood
We nicked this off the rockfax website. HAR HAR.
The inclusion of a climbing area in this MiniGuide does not mean that you have a right
of access or the right to climb upon it. The descriptions of routes and grades within this
MiniGuide are recorded for humor reasons only and no reliance should be placed on
the accuracy of the description, number of stairs, or indeed anything as we made most of it
up. Climbers who attempt a climb of a particular standard should use their own judgment
(or guess) as to whether they are proficient enough to tackle that staircase. This book is not
a substitute for experience and proper judgmentsave that for toproping The authors and
publisher of this MiniGuide do not recognise any liability for injury or damage caused to,
or by, climbers, third parties, or property arising from such persons seeking reliance on this
guidebook as an assurance for their own safety. If you try to sue us, we WILL end you.
This MiniGuide covers some
staircases across the RVI area
of Newcastle. It is a
supplement to nowt we ever
published beforethis is NEW
ground people! The climbing
across this area is
pretty average and the main
book covers over 3 routes
across the grades and styles on
5 separate stairwells.
Some of the crags covered in
this MiniGuide were previously included in the 2005 Rockfax guidebook to the Rake Lane
Hospital. These are Ward 1, Ward 2, Ward 3 and the smokers room. There are also some
extra buttresses from the crags Stairwell 3 and Fire Exit 4 that were dropped from the
new book. These are all rubbish. They have proved to be significantly less popular than
some of the other locations. It should also be noted that we took the decision to drop
these crags from the print guide early in the guide-writing process and we haven't been
back any of the crags to properly to check the information since hence everything is out of
date, we have no intention of updating things, as well have plenty of money from this
to spend on beer. All the approaches are accurate though, honest, apart from the sign to
the gentsthatll be out of action for a while.
Meat enthusiasts, handbag
fanatics and avante-garde
terrorists are always in for a
treat with a visit to the city's
The Grainger Market.
Also in this MiniGuide is the the transport system known as the Tyne and Wear Metro
The Tyne & Wear Metro (otherwise known as the The Me'ro, The Metty or The Nettie) is a
network of public toilets mounted onto railway tracks put in place by the government so
the unemployed could be transported to their various public houses or patches of
scorched earth where shipyards and factories might once have stood or to statues stand-
ing where 'Wor' Jackie defecated himself.
Metro trains require an electric power supply in order for them to move. This is provided
by a 9-volt battery and has proven to be highly cost efficient since the introduction of Uni-
ross rechargeable batteries. Sadly, many teenagers are now prone to tresspassing onto
the tracks in order to remove the battery and lick it to see if they get a shock.
Newcastle nightlife is a breeding ground for tramps and people in ultra-fashionable Hen-
ley's t-shirts, and lovers of neon tutus.
The nightlife attracts many tramps; it is customary by Newcastle City Law that they ask
you for a multiple of 20p, as it is also tradition you tell them to go away afterwards. Life
goes on. The city is home to a building older than time itself, the Cooperage. It's slanty,
broken down exterior is perfect for rubbish gigs to get cancelled for. If you're not yet old
enough to drink, Newcastle offers teen options of nightlife too, in the form of a cheap
bottle of Cider up at the infamous Leazes or Exhibition Parks, as well as taking a sly swig of
voddy at the green.
If you don't like to drink, don't be surprised if you end up in the Tyne anyway at the end of
a night, as someone can and will push you in the river, another one
of Newcastle's fine
customary laws. Don't upset the locals, as nightlife in Newcastle
City Center can be dangerous.
If you see a Henley's shirt, a buzz cut, or a pair of 69 Jeans, walk
Queen Cheryl I of Newcastle
Princess of the Geordies
All routes are hereas are
stairs. And a lift.
Conditions The building described here faces south. It dries rapidly after rain (it has a good roof),
and the whole valley is well ventilated (due to the fans). Minimal seepage. Can be to
warm in the summer.
Easy start to the day
Fall out of bed. Seems easier than
route 1 but more painful and ultimately harder
to recover from. Popular with students.
Climb out of bed. Can be tough in the morning.
3 Hallway swimming .. Walk down the corridor. A beautiful
route with well defined features for feet. Can
be tough on the arms though!
4 Close encounter of the chair kind. Do a loop of the chair. Rarely repeated,
although the local doctor can be seen soloing it
in the morning
1 You spin me right round like a record baby A route of great historical importance for elves everywhere.
THE Newcastle classic. Start up the left side of the upper stairwell
and tackle each step using the handrail out to your left side. A belay
can be taken mid-height but it really is best done in a single soaring
If youre going well then go for the 4* finish and reverse the pitch,
using the handrail for your right side. As you reach the final step
stand back and beat your chest triumphantly! For you Spin me right
round like a record baby.
An ascent has been done without the handrail at 7c+. 2
2 Stairway to heaven Jump into the lift and ride it all the way to the top floor.
Make a quick exit before you are spotted, head to the
bathroom and splash some water on your face. Then
head outside and grab a handrail while making panting
noises, look for your consultant.
Once youve found him/her explain you are tired from the
effort of climbing up 5 flights of stairs using only a pogo
stick and half a pint polo.
They will be incredibly impressed with your efforts and
you will be released from prison the RVI with immediate