Newcastle RVI Miniguide

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A rockfax pisstake.

Text of Newcastle RVI Miniguide

  • RVINewcastle


    by Ian Birtwistle and Sam Beast Webb

    Version 2.0 - February 2013

    Published by Rockfax Rockfax 2008, 2013

    Thanks to all the climbers who have spent time and effort equipping routes on the walls

    covered in this MiniGuide. In particular the dude/lady dude who stitched up Tabigood

    job lad/lass!


    We nicked this off the rockfax website. HAR HAR.


    The inclusion of a climbing area in this MiniGuide does not mean that you have a right

    of access or the right to climb upon it. The descriptions of routes and grades within this

    MiniGuide are recorded for humor reasons only and no reliance should be placed on

    the accuracy of the description, number of stairs, or indeed anything as we made most of it

    up. Climbers who attempt a climb of a particular standard should use their own judgment

    (or guess) as to whether they are proficient enough to tackle that staircase. This book is not

    a substitute for experience and proper judgmentsave that for toproping The authors and

    publisher of this MiniGuide do not recognise any liability for injury or damage caused to,

    or by, climbers, third parties, or property arising from such persons seeking reliance on this

    guidebook as an assurance for their own safety. If you try to sue us, we WILL end you.


    This MiniGuide covers some

    staircases across the RVI area

    of Newcastle. It is a

    supplement to nowt we ever

    published beforethis is NEW

    ground people! The climbing

    across this area is

    pretty average and the main

    book covers over 3 routes

    across the grades and styles on

    5 separate stairwells.

    Some of the crags covered in

    this MiniGuide were previously included in the 2005 Rockfax guidebook to the Rake Lane

    Hospital. These are Ward 1, Ward 2, Ward 3 and the smokers room. There are also some

    extra buttresses from the crags Stairwell 3 and Fire Exit 4 that were dropped from the

    new book. These are all rubbish. They have proved to be significantly less popular than

    some of the other locations. It should also be noted that we took the decision to drop

    these crags from the print guide early in the guide-writing process and we haven't been

    back any of the crags to properly to check the information since hence everything is out of

    date, we have no intention of updating things, as well have plenty of money from this

    to spend on beer. All the approaches are accurate though, honest, apart from the sign to

    the gentsthatll be out of action for a while.

    Meat enthusiasts, handbag

    fanatics and avante-garde

    terrorists are always in for a

    treat with a visit to the city's

    primary attraction:

    The Grainger Market.

  • Also in this MiniGuide is the the transport system known as the Tyne and Wear Metro

    The Tyne & Wear Metro (otherwise known as the The Me'ro, The Metty or The Nettie) is a

    network of public toilets mounted onto railway tracks put in place by the government so

    the unemployed could be transported to their various public houses or patches of

    scorched earth where shipyards and factories might once have stood or to statues stand-

    ing where 'Wor' Jackie defecated himself.

    Metro trains require an electric power supply in order for them to move. This is provided

    by a 9-volt battery and has proven to be highly cost efficient since the introduction of Uni-

    ross rechargeable batteries. Sadly, many teenagers are now prone to tresspassing onto

    the tracks in order to remove the battery and lick it to see if they get a shock.


    Newcastle nightlife is a breeding ground for tramps and people in ultra-fashionable Hen-

    ley's t-shirts, and lovers of neon tutus.

    The nightlife attracts many tramps; it is customary by Newcastle City Law that they ask

    you for a multiple of 20p, as it is also tradition you tell them to go away afterwards. Life

    goes on. The city is home to a building older than time itself, the Cooperage. It's slanty,

    broken down exterior is perfect for rubbish gigs to get cancelled for. If you're not yet old

    enough to drink, Newcastle offers teen options of nightlife too, in the form of a cheap

    bottle of Cider up at the infamous Leazes or Exhibition Parks, as well as taking a sly swig of

    voddy at the green.

    If you don't like to drink, don't be surprised if you end up in the Tyne anyway at the end of

    a night, as someone can and will push you in the river, another one

    of Newcastle's fine

    customary laws. Don't upset the locals, as nightlife in Newcastle

    City Center can be dangerous.

    If you see a Henley's shirt, a buzz cut, or a pair of 69 Jeans, walk


    Queen Cheryl I of Newcastle

    Princess of the Geordies

    All routes are hereas are

    stairs. And a lift.

    Conditions The building described here faces south. It dries rapidly after rain (it has a good roof),

    and the whole valley is well ventilated (due to the fans). Minimal seepage. Can be to

    warm in the summer.

  • RVINewcastle



    Easy start to the day

    Fall out of bed. Seems easier than

    route 1 but more painful and ultimately harder

    to recover from. Popular with students.



    Morning scramble

    Climb out of bed. Can be tough in the morning.



    3 Hallway swimming .. Walk down the corridor. A beautiful

    route with well defined features for feet. Can

    be tough on the arms though!


    4 Close encounter of the chair kind. Do a loop of the chair. Rarely repeated,

    although the local doctor can be seen soloing it

    in the morning

  • RVINewcastle


    1 You spin me right round like a record baby A route of great historical importance for elves everywhere.

    THE Newcastle classic. Start up the left side of the upper stairwell

    and tackle each step using the handrail out to your left side. A belay

    can be taken mid-height but it really is best done in a single soaring


    If youre going well then go for the 4* finish and reverse the pitch,

    using the handrail for your right side. As you reach the final step

    stand back and beat your chest triumphantly! For you Spin me right

    round like a record baby.

    An ascent has been done without the handrail at 7c+. 2

    2 Stairway to heaven Jump into the lift and ride it all the way to the top floor.

    Make a quick exit before you are spotted, head to the

    bathroom and splash some water on your face. Then

    head outside and grab a handrail while making panting

    noises, look for your consultant.

    Once youve found him/her explain you are tired from the

    effort of climbing up 5 flights of stairs using only a pogo

    stick and half a pint polo.

    They will be incredibly impressed with your efforts and

    you will be released from prison the RVI with immediate