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PICKLES by BRIAN CRANE

willpower faltered. My 100th friend was a young, cute, pink-haired bar-tender at a local watering hole—a ‘Cheers’ moment I guess. Soon I was up over 200. A high school classmate that I couldn’t remember even after studying their profile picture? Click. A guy in Minnesota who has the same name as me? Giggle. Click. I remained steadfast in not friend-ing co-workers. I’d counter those re-quests with a LinkedIn invitation and a polite internal email saying, “Yes, we’re friends but I keep my profes-sional and private lives separate.” My co-workers are bright people and I’m sure they interpret this as, “I’d pre-fer you don’t see photos of me skiing powder at noon on a Tuesday”. This exclusion strategy seemed to work until I received a friend request from Raj who works for me out of Banga-lore, India. (Disclaimer: the following names have been changed to protect the innocent.) Our relationship con-sists of email interchanges and bi-weekly calls. He’s young, competent, and eager to please as far as I can tell. I didn’t know what to do. Would it be a tremendous cultural faux pas to not accept? Like shaking the hand of the Queen of England? On our next call Raj told me his three year old son sits at Daddy’s desk with the phone head-

OPEN MOUTH...INSERT FOOTJim Lein writes about adventure, life, music, and parenthood and has learned that most good stories don’t begin with, “and then I decided to keep my mouth shut.” His home in the Colorado Rockies serves both as an office and as a base camp for a variety of outdoor and musical activities. He has been published in numerous trade journals, business publications, and lifestyle magazines and is now a weekly contributor to Funnies Extra!.

My Facebook ObsessionBy Jim Lein

I was an early adopter of Facebook, joining in 2008 when it had only

100 million members. At first, log-ging in gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling. But over time it became a craving—an itch that needed to be scratched. Early on, the thought of having 100 friends was ludicrous—my standards were so high. But soon the requests came pouring in. Once I hit 99, I de-creed that I could only add a friend if I dropped another. Of course, then I started receiving repeat requests from friends I’d dropped. Each time I’d re-friend them with some excuse. “My profile got hacked and I’m re-building it”, or, “my daughter deleted some friends when I wasn’t looking because I forbade her from getting a third ear piercing”. I lost track of which excuse I’d used with which person. More white lies…a vicious cycle of deception. And each time I’d re-friend someone I’d have to drop another. Yet I held out for weeks at 99, wait-ing for just the right new friend. My

set on. “I’m talking to Uncle Jimmy in America.” Click. Two days later I re-ceived a friend request from Kavitha, Raj’s cubicle mate and seemingly sweet mother of two. Click. I thought I’d be OK, with an ocean and the International Dateline sepa-rating us. But then I received friend request from Rahul. He grew up in India but is now an American citizen entrenched in our social and corpo-rate cultures. He’s also a Vice Presi-dent and my bosses’ right hand man. One slip up with him is a CLM (Ca-reer Limiting Move). A true friend would jump start my car at 7 a.m. and 30 below. Rahul would probably dial AAA and send me the bill. But Ra-hul could see that I was friends with ‘teammates’ Raj and Kavitha. How could I not friend him? I panicked, taking down every picture posted on my profile and deleting everything in the ‘Info’ sec-tion like ‘Personal Interests’ (skiing during the week) and ‘Favorite Mov-ies’ (Horrible Bosses). I returned to his friend request and took a deep breath. Click. Then, in some twisted logic, I created a new profile under an alternative persona and sent friend requests to only an exclusive inner circle of friends. Acceptance was a

bit slow since no one recognized my alternative persona name and its pro-file picture of Jeff Bridges as Rooster Cogburn in the new version of True Grit. Over time, and with therapy, I re-alized I had become a Facebook ad-dict. A conclusion that you no doubt came to a few minutes ago. After all, if I really have hundreds of friends how come only 14 showed up at my band’s last gig? While I was able to go cold turkey on Coke (caffeine) and gold-fish crackers (empty carbs), I’m only able to moderate my Facebook vice. I visit my original profile about once a week and accept all requests. 300, 400, 500—what the heck—I share nothing about my life there. My al-ternative persona profile is a scruffy collection of about 50 friends who might actually come hear my band play and legitimately enjoy my self-portraits taken on chairlifts and ex-posed rock formations. A couple months ago, I perked up when they launched Google Plus, the next big thing in social network-ing. I signed up and within minutes received my first friend request. Hi Jim. Raj would like to join your cir-cle. Click.

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