Development and self regulation in young children: the ﬁve ......Neufeld Institute Faculty 613-266-4470 cﬂerepere.ca neufeldinstitute.com Heart Matters: The Science of Emotion

Development*and*Self/Regula3on*/*G.*Brabant* November*2014*

Copyright*2014*Gordon*Neufeld*PhD*/*G.*Brabant* 1*

Development and self regulation in young children:

the five steps to emotional Health

Genevieve Brabant, MSW, RSW. Le Repère Counselling Services Neufeld Institute Faculty 613-266-4470 cflerepere.ca neufeldinstitute.com

Heart Matters:

The Science of Emotion

This presentation is based on the Neufeld Institute course:

Gordon Neufeld, PhD Developmental & Clinical Psychologist

Vancouver, Canada © All Rights Reserved

•  This*material*may*evoke*emo3ons*in*you*

•  It*may*confront*conven3onal*knowledge*in*early*childhood*prac3ces*

•  It*may*change*the*way*you*see*and*work*with*children*

•  It*may*give*you*much*to*reflect*upon*in*your*personal*and*professional*life*



Presentation Outline*

•  Brief*historic*of*emo3on*and*developmental*science*

•  A*look*at*the*concept*of*self*regula3on**•  A*look*at*the*pivotal*role*of*emo3on*in*human*development*

•  Introducing*and*working*with*the*Five*Steps*to*Emo3onal*Health*

•  Group*discussions*on*implementa3on*of*theory*to*prac3ce**

the distinctives of the developmental attachment-based

approach!*•  Rooted in depth psychology, developmental and

attachment theories •  Informed by the latest research in neuroscience •  Insight-Based Approach: helps us make sense of the

child from inside-out, looking at the developmental antecedents versus behaviour and symptoms

•  Provides an explanation: what’s missing, what does the potential for growth and maturation look like in a child

•  Provides developmental solutions: the conditions required for development to unfold, the pivotal role of relationship (attachment) as the foundation to maturation

“The term “self-regulation” is used to refer to a range of characteristics and abilities. A child with self -regulatory skills is able to focus his attention, control his emotions and manage his thinking, behavior and feelings.” (http://www.earlyinterventionsupport.com)

What is self regulation



“While self-regulatory skills in young children have always been a concern for teachers and parents more current research on the subject has shown that self-regulation is related to more than just parenting skills and the ability to learn to follow rules or simply “behave”. Self-regulation skills take a long time to develop and are not fully in place until early adulthood. Therefore we need to have realistic expectations when it comes to working with the toddler and preschool population.” (http://www.earlyinterventionsupport.com)

What is self regulation

What is self regulation!*

“Newer research has shown that self-regulation is directly related to brain maturation. Specific areas of the brain including the cingulate cortex and several regions within the prefrontal cortex are involved in development of self-regulation.” (http://www.earlyinterventionsupport.com)

Defining Emotion

• to be stirred up!

• to be moved to!

- happens to us as opposed to under our control !- is irrational although the brain has its reasons!

- is meant to move us in ways that would serve us!

- how a child is moved reveals how they are stirred up!

- creates an action potential that seeks expression!



the action potential of emotion!

First Law of Emotion

Emotion has "work to do.!



Emotion is how the brain moves the child …!

… to CAUTION when facing what alarms!

… to STOP when encountering futility!

… to VENTURE FORTH when home base is secure!

… to EMERGE as a separate person when attachment hunger is satiated!

… to SHY AWAY from contact with those not attached to!

… to SEEK TOGETHERNESS when hungry for contact and closeness and connection!

… to CARE about one’s attachments!

… to RESIST when attachment instincts are not engaged!

The ultimate task of emotion is to grow "

the child up.!

Engine of Maturation!



adapting! integrating!

emer

ging

!

adapting!

emer

ging

!

integrating!

feelings of futility

feelings of fulfillment

feeling the futility of fulfillment

feelings of dissonance

The most pressing problem to fix is separation from

those attached to.!

caution

change

closure

FRUSTRATION

PURSUIT

ALARM



We can reduce the stress on the limbic system by reducing the separation "

a child is facing.!

developmental resolutions!

unne

cess

ary

sepa

ratio

n!

what could divide!

The ultimate fix to the separation problem is "a deeper connection.!



being known

significance

belonging & loyalty

SENSES sameness

love

What keeps emotion from! being expressed?"

when it threatens the contact & closeness in working attachments

unsafe*

lonely*

loving*

dependent*

concerned*

disappointed*

needy*

shy*

opposi3onal*

alarmed*insecure*

melancholy*

hurt*

excited*

bored*

afraid*

resistant*

intense*

mean*

conflicted*

3mid*

jealous*

possessive*

nervous*

sexy*

missing*

upset*

sad*coopera3ve*

angry*

frustrated*

worried*

cri3cal*

pessimis3c*

happy*

enraged*

cranky*

irritable*

fran3c*

irrate*

deflated*

calm*

discouraged*

dislike*

hate*

caring*

Parameters of Attachment

grumpy*



****

Impact of thwarted expression:"

2. DISTORTED or DISPLACED expression

1. DYSFUNCTION: emotion cannot do its work

ATTACHMENT*ALARM*

****


3. DEPRESSION: flattened affect





ATTACHMENT*ALARM*

Emotional Balance

balance"derives from movement,"

not from reason or perception""

!

• the fatal flaw in resisting sadness in order to pursue happiness, is that happiness typically lies on the other side of sadness that has yet to be embraced!

• why emotional movement alone can lead to emotional balance (eg, the best way of getting rid of a case of grumpiness is to encourage its expression)!

An understanding of emotional expression helps explain …"



disappointed*opposi+onal*

alarmed*

resistant*

upset*

sad*

cri+cal* pessimis+c* enraged*irritable*

irrate*

deflated*discouraged*

dislike*

hate*

loving*excited*

coopera3ve*happy*

calm*caring*

grumpy*

cuddly*

thrilled*

an+cipa+on*op+mis+c* hopeful*

thankful*acceptable or ‘positive’ emotions!

difficult or ‘negative’ emotions!

disappointed*opposi+onal*

alarmed*

resistant*

upset*

sad*

cri+cal* pessimis+c* enraged*irritable*

irrate*

deflated*discouraged*

dislike*

hate*

loving*excited*

coopera3ve*happy*

calm*caring*

grumpy*

cuddly*

thrilled*

an+cipa+on*op+mis+c* hopeful*

thankful*FLATTENED AFFECT

****





4. FAILURE TO ADAPT to life circumstances



futility

futility futility adaptation!

****

5. ERUPTION of emotion





4. FAILURE TO ADAPT to life circumstances



Adrenalin Seeking

Restlessness

Anxiety

AGGRESSION

Violence

Self�AttacK

Alterations

Fixes�Fixations

Neuroses

futility

futility futility adaptation!

expression without repercussion!

to emotional health and maturity

expressing

naming

feeling

mixing

reflecting

ACCEPT/INVITE/ASSIST++++++,+create+channels+for,+and+remove+the++impediments+to,+emo>onal+expression++

*



To help our children "express their emotions !

we must first take up an !accepting relationship to their emotions "

as well as to the emotions they stir up in us. !

Step One - Expressing

expression without repercussion!

a) REDUCE the separation faced as a result of emotional eruptions and emotionally-driven problem behaviour!

b) FOSTER natural outlets for the safe expression of emotion !

- bridge whatever could divide, proactively when possible!

- dreams, art and play!

PLAY is the first & "primary solution "to the problem "

of emotion!



NOT*work*

NOT*fo

r*real*

expressive**&/or*exploratory*

Dic3onary*/*“to#move#or#operate#freely#in#a#bounded#space”*

true play

/*a*spontaneous*ac3vity*that*cannot*be*commanded*or*taught*/**

• explains why the best children’s therapies are expressive therapies and why true play is necessary for emotional health!

Role of play in emotional health and development:"

• reveals the primary purpose of play which is to provide expression without repercussion!

• is consistent with the rich cultural traditions in which children play out troublesome emotions!

• is consistent with the idea that civilized society is based upon play!

Emotion at Play"

****

• alarm at play

• pursuit at play

• frustration at play

• facing separation in play eg, playing dead, playing the orphan, fairy tales where children are lost or face separation, hide and seek games

eg, playing with monsters, being the monster, playing with the startle response, pretending to be scared, scary stories one step removed, ambush games!

eg, pursuit and chasing games, hide and seek games, collecting games!

eg, all manner of attacking games, play fights, verbal jousting, insult games !



Guidelines for emotional expression:"

b) Always safeguard emotional expression by assuming responsibility for helping the child get the feelings out.!

c) Think of emotion training in the same way as toilet training – it must come out - so what we are to work on is the how and when and where."

a) Do NOT focus directly on the resulting behaviour or relating.!

WORDS are!the ultimate "

developmental solution !to the problem of emotion!


expressing

naming

feeling

mixing

reflecting

ACCEPT/INVITE/ASSIST+

INTRODUCE/MATCH+ ,+teach+the+words+that+match+the+child’s+inner+experience++

+++++,+create+channels+for,+and+remove+the++impediments+to,+emo>onal+expression++

*



• to ascertain the underlying emotion, one must accurately read the body language and behaviour rather than getting distracted by it !

• select names for emotions that are non-judgmental, blame free, and go to the heart of the experience !

• don’t expect children to respond to questions regarding feelings until they have been introduced to them, recognize them, and can reflect upon them!

Step Two - NAMING

- teaching the language of the heart - !

• children talk like those they are attached to, so we should do our ‘naming’ in the context of engaged attachment!

• when introducing children to their own feelings, we must be careful that the words indeed match their experience !

anger! guilt!

shame!

FRUSTRATION

futility

tantrums*hos+lity* self@aAack*

hiBng*

figh+ng

*foul*words*

sarcasm*

insults*

hiding* self@blame*concealing*

jus+fyin

g*

Second Law of Emotion



Only humans can "feel their emotions. "

Emotions must therefore "be felt in order to realize "

our full potential as humans "as well as to become fully humane.!

****

1. Lack of EXPRESSION

2. Lack of NAMES for the feelings

3. Lack of SAFETY from wounding

- emotions can only be felt when they move!

- words bring emotion into consciousness!

- the primary defense of the limbic system is to retreat from feeling!

What keeps emotions from being felt?"



feelings of embarrassment including blushing !

feelings of futility (sadness, disappointment, grief, sorrow)!

feelings of woundedness (hurt feelings, anguish, pain) !

feelings of alarm (apprehension, unsafe, anxiety and fear) !

feelings of shame (that something is wrong with me)!

feelings of dependence (emptiness, neediness, missing, loneliness, insecurity)!

feelings of shyness and timidity!

Vulnerable feelings more likely to be defended against!

feelings of caring (compassion, empathy, devotion, concern, provide for, meet needs of, treasure, invested in)!

feelings of responsibility (feel badly, remorse, make things work for, take the lead concerning, make things better for)!

A lack of feeling "increases the ability "

to perform in wounding environments, but also "

results in dysfunction and !typically problem behaviour!

*ADULT*

CHILD*

a*t*t*a*c*h*me*

n*t*

a*t*

t*a*c*h*

me*

n*t*

- shaming or "put-downs!

- not feeling liked, wanted "or valued!

- feeling too much to handle!- peer or "

sibling rejection!

- wounding "by others!

- not being "held on to!

- losses and "lacks!




expressing

naming

feeling

mixing

reflecting


INTRODUCE/MATCH+

SHIELD/COME+ALONGSIDE+ ,+provide+the+safety+and++++++make+it+easy+to+feel+

,+teach+the+words+that+match+the+child’s+inner+experience++


*

To come alongside a child’s feelings is to refrain from the opposite!

• judging feelings!

• discounting/negating/countering feelings!

• defending oneself or another!

• teaching a lesson!

• solving a problem!

• conveying that they are too much to handle!

To come alongside a child’s feelings is to …!

a) accept their existence regardless of how irrational and unreasonable they may seem!

c) make room for the feelings rather than try to get rid of them!

b) normalize the feelings rather than treat their existence as a problem!



Third law of Emotion


expressing

naming

feeling

mixing

reflecting


INTRODUCE/MATCH+

SHIELD/COME+ALONGSIDE+ ,+provide+the+safety+and++++++make+it+easy+to+feel+



*

When conditions "are conducive and"

development is optimal,"feelings find their opposite,!

resulting in balance, stability "reflection, self-control & consideration!



aspira3ons*apprehensions*

ALARM & DESIRE

a separation ALARM

a matching DESIRE

Courage

to be away from home!

to be laughed at!

to appear stupid!

to lose popularity!

to have to let go !

to be seen as different!

to not be interesting!

to meet disapproval!

to be alone!

to not measure up!

to engage in an activity!

to take part in some fun !

to ask one’s question!

to stand up for a friend!

to get attached & involved!

to wear what one prefers!

to share one’s story!

to express one’s opinion!

to be oneself!

to pursue a passion!

What keeps feelings from mixing?"

****

1. Vulnerable emotions are not felt

- emotions can only mix when they are felt and can only be felt if expressed and named !



The main mixers: caring, futility, alarm!

alarm & desire"

attaching & attacking"

caring & anger"

happiness & sadness"

anticipation & apprehension"

sharing & possessing"

alarm & frustration"desire & futility"

hugs & hits"

togetherness & separateness"

frustration & caring feelings = PATIENCE*

fear of the dragon & caring about the treasure = COURAGE**

concern for self & caring for another = CONSIDERATION*

impulses to react & caring about impact = SELF-CONTROL*

impulses to get even & caring feelings = FORGIVENESS*

limitations & caring enough to make something work = SACRIFICE*

****

1. Vulnerable emotions are not felt

2. Prefrontal cortex is not developed

3. Inner conflict is not embraced

- emotions can only mix when they are felt !

- starts between ages 5-7 and takes time and conducive conditions to develop!

- must be room for mixed feelings!

What keeps emotions from mixing?"



Prefrontal Cortex

Step Four - MIXING

• functioning improves significantly when opposite feelings can be paired in consciousness (eg, resolves impulsiveness, provides perspective and balance, aids problem solving)!

• we must nurture the potential ‘answers’ to the troubling impulses until able to get them to mix!

• do the mixing when feelings are mild instead of intense, when the relationship is good, and when outside of the incident where troubling impulses occur!

- marry opposing feelings - !

• emotions must first be felt and easily recognized!

• the prefrontal cortex (ie, feeling mixing bowl) must be operational as evidenced by ‘on the other hand’ expression!

First Law of Emotion!

Second Law of Emotion!

Third Law of Emotion!

help children to relieve their "emotions without repercussion!

help children to feel their emotions!

help children to find their mixed feelings!




expressing

naming

feeling

mixing

reflecting


INTRODUCE/MATCH+

SHIELD/COME+ALONGSIDE+ +,+provide+the+safety+and++++++make+it+easy+to+feel++



*

,+find+the+‘answer’+to+the+troublesome+impulses+and+get+the+right+mix+

DRAW+OUT+

SUPPORT+ ,+provide+the+opportuni>es+and++the+materials+

Step Five - REFLECTING

• support the separation of the self from what one feels and feels like doing (depersonalizing the feelings)!

• differentiate feelings (how one is stirred up) from values (what is good) and beliefs (what is true) and make room for all to exist simultaneously !

• provide plenty of opportunity and materials for reflection!

- support their relationship to their feelings - !

• support the experience of having feelings rather than being one’s feelings (ie, defining oneself by them) !

• support the process of agreeing or disagreeing with one’s feelings !


expressing

naming

feeling

mixing

reflecting

#1 Adult’s relationship to child’s feelings

#2 Child’s

relationship to own feelings

#3 Child’s relationship to others



Empathy is a "natural fruit of "

right relationships "as well as emotional "

health & development,!NOT a skill to be learned.!

deep emotional

attachments

appropriate alpha (caring)

instincts **********

CARIN

G*

*****

CONSIDERATION*****

• is NOT a set of skills that can be learned !

• will NOT develop if the underlying foundations have not been laid (expressing and feeling) and the conditions are not conducive!

• does NOT respond to the direct approach, to taking short-cuts, or putting pressure on the child for results. These non-developmental approaches can do more harm than good. !

• is NOT a matter of pitting will against emotion. This will backfire as it hampers emotional expression and awareness. !

the Ability to Manage our Emotions



Premature focus on self-control backfires"

eg, don’t hit, don’t tantrum, don’t cry, don’t be mean, don’t be upset, calm down, be nice, get a hold of yourself, don’t make such a fuss, there is nothing to be afraid of, don’t be angry, etc!

When civilized conduct " is the focus and demanded BEFORE "

emotional expression has been safeguarded "and the corresponding feelings have been fostered, !

!the resulting compliance will be at the EXPENSE "

of emotional expression and awareness. !

• is NOT a behavioural approach where desired behaviour is rewarded and undesirable behaviour is sanctioned !

NAture’s Answer to Self-Control

• is NOT a calm down approach where the agenda is to not be so stirred up !

• is NOT a get-a-hold-of-yourself approach where the challenge is to master one’s emotion!

• is NOT a cut-it-out approach where the emotion or the emotion-driven behaviour is seen to be the problem!

• is NOT a rational approach where one tries to trump emotion with reason or to alter emotion by changing thinking!

• is NOT a learning approach where skills are taught to manage the emotions!

• is NOT a distancing approach where one aims for equanimity and perspective!

An understanding "of emotion is the key to

addressing problem behaviour!

IMPLICATIONS*



• to take responsibility for creating acceptable outlets of expression!

Challenges regarding problem behaviour that is fueled by emotion:"

• to read the driving emotion correctly!

• to deal with the incident in such a way that it doesn’t create a deeper emotional problem!

• to conceptualize and address the ‘problem’ at the level of emotion, not at the level of behaviour or social relationships!

• to support natural solutions to uncivilized emotional expression: first PLAY and then WORDS!

What to do with a Child’s Feelings

– INVITE THEM – !

embrace them!

name them

!protect them!

monitor them!support them!

normalize

them

!

listen to them!

find the right mix!

treasure them!

read them! – HAVE PATIENCE WITH THEM – !

answer them! – COME ALONGSIDE THEM – !

CHILD’S*

Emo+on*needs*to*be*expressed*

Emo+on*needs*to*be*felt*

Mixed*feelings*need**to*be*courted**

Emo+on*needs*to*be*felt*

Emo+on*needs*to*be*expressed*

Mixed*feelings*need*to*be*courted*

OWN*

what to do! with the child’s

feelings?!

Documents

Development and self regulation in young children: the ﬁve ......Neufeld Institute Faculty 613-266-4470 cﬂerepere.ca neufeldinstitute.com Heart Matters: The Science of Emotion