Communication and Conflict Resolution

Introduction Verbal and Non-Verbal CommunicationGender Differences in CommunicationDeveloping Communication Skills Power, Conflict, and Intimacy

Intimacy and ConflictExperiencing and Managing Conflict

Introduction

• Intimacy and communication are inextricably connected.

• Communication for its own sake involves the pleasure of being in each other’s company, the excitement of conversation, the exchange of touches and smiles, and loving silence.

Verbal and Non-Verbal Communication

• There is no such thing as not communicating.

• The functions of non-verbal communication include conveying interpersonal attitudes, expressing emotions and handling the ongoing interactions.

• A relationship exists between verbal and non-verbal messages.

• Three of the most important forms of nonverbal communication are proximity, eye contact, and touch.

• ~ Making eye contact with another person, if only for a second Is a signal of interest.

• ~ Touch is the most basic of all senses: It is extremely important in human development, health and sexuality.

Gender Differences in Communication

• Premarital communication patterns are related to marital satisfaction.

• 1. How well a couple communicates before marriage can be an important predictor of later marital satisfaction.

• 2. Self-disclosure, the revelation of deeply personal information about one’s self, prior to marriage is related to relationship satisfaction.

• 3. A couple’s negative or positive communication pattern has little effect on marital satisfaction the first year of marriage—this quality is known as the honeymoon effect.

• Gender differences in partner communication are influenced by gender differences in general communication patterns.

• 1. Wives send clearer messages to their husbands than vice-versa and tend to be more sensitive and responsive to their husband’s messages, both during conversation and conflict.

• 2. Husbands tend to give more neutral messages or to withdraw.

• 3. Although communication differences in arguments between husbands and wives are usually small, they nevertheless follow a typical pattern and wives tend to set the emotional tone of the argument.

• Studies suggest that poor communication skills precede the outset of marital problems.

Developing Communication Skills

• We can learn to communicate but it is not always easy.

• ~ Traditional sex roles encourage men to be strong and silent, to talk about things instead of feelings.

• ~ Personal reasons such as inadequacy, vulnerability, or guilt may restrict communication.

• ~ Fear of conflict due to expressing real feelings and desires may lead to their suppression.

• Before we can communicate with others we must first know how we feel.

• ~ Feelings serve as valuable guides for action.• Communication which reveals ourselves to others

is self-disclosure, an important aspect to intimacy.• ~ In the process of revealing ourselves to others,

we discover who we ourselves are and self-disclosure is often reciprocal.

• Trust is the belief in the reliability and integrity of a person.• Three conditions must be met for trust to develop.• ~ a relationship must exist and have the likelihood of

continuing; • ~ we must be able to predict how the other person will likely

behave; and• ~ the other person must have other acceptable options available

to him or her.• Trust is important in close relationships because it is vital to

self- disclosure, and it influences the way in which ambiguous or unexpected messages are interpreted.

• Giving feedback, the ongoing process in which participants and their messages create a given result and are subsequently modified by the result, is a critical element in communication.

• We can engage in dialogue and feedback by:• ~ focusing on behavior rather than the person,• ~ focusing feedback in terms of its value to the

recipient,• ~ focusing feedback on the amount the recipient

can process, and • ~ offering feedback at an appropriate time and

place.

• Mutual affirmation, along with self-awareness, self-disclosure, trust and feedback, are essential to communication in close relationships.

• ~ Mutual affirmation is made up of three elements: mutual acceptance; liking each other; and expressing liking in both words and actions.

Power, Conflict and Intimacy

• The more intimate two people become, the more likely they may be to experience conflict: It is not conflict itself that is dangerous to intimate relationships; it is the manner in which the conflict is handled.

• Conflict is natural in intimacy and does not necessarily represent a crisis in the relationship.

• Power conflicts within families over who decides and does what are both complex and explosive.

• Traditional roles supported the subordination of the wife to the husband, but these roles are changing with women working and egalitarian standards emerging.

• There are six bases of marital power, according to French and Raven: coercive power, reward power, expert power, legitimate power, referent power, and informational power.

• Power vs. Intimacy may reflect mutually exclusive traits: For genuine intimacy to exist, there must be equality in the power relationships.

• Power is the ability to or potential ability to influence another person or group.

Intimacy and Conflict

• Conflicts may be basic or non-basic.

• ~ Basic conflicts challenge the fundamental assumptions of rules of a relationship, and may offer no room for compromise.

• ~ Non-basic conflicts are disagreements that do not strike at the " heart” of a relationship and resolution is possible.

• Conflicts may occur because of a situation or because of the personalities of the partners.

• ~ Situational conflicts or realistic conflicts occur because of a need to make changes in a relationship.

• ~ Personality conflicts arise because of personality, such as the needs to vent aggression, dominate or overpower: They are not directed toward making changes, but simply toward releasing pent-up tensions.

• Conflict in natural intimate relationships. Handling conflicts in a healthy way is the task.

Experiencing and Managing Conflict

• Dealing with anger takes skill and sensitivity and may require negotiation.

• ~ Differences between people may lead to anger, which transforms differences into fights and creates tension, distrust, division and fear.

• ~ Most people have learned to handle anger by either venting or suppressing it.

• ~ Many couples experience a love/anger cycle involving anger at the point a couple become most intimate with each other.

• ~ Suppressed anger ultimately leads to resentment and low-level hostility.

• ~ Anger can be recognized as a symptom of something that needs to be changed, leading to negotiation.

• The way in which a couple deals with conflict resolution both reflects and contributes to their marital happiness.

• ~ Happily married couples display distinctive communication behaviors including:

• - summarizing of what the other person says into his or her own words,

• - paraphrasing to put what the other person ways into one’s own words,

• - validating the other’s feelings and,• - clarifying the communication it there is uncertainty

• ~ Unhappy couples display the following patterns:

• - confrontation rather than trying to understand,

• - confrontation and defensiveness as alternating patterns,

• - complaining and defensiveness as alternating patterns.

• Fighting about sex involves issues that are sexual as well as using sex as a scapegoat for underlying issues, which are unresolved. Couples disagree or fight over money for a number of reasons, one of the most important being power.

• ~ Money issues tend to support male dominance.

• ~ Financial priorities are a major source of disagreement.

• ~ Talking about money is often taboo, although our society is obsessed with money.

• ~ There are three major ways conflict can be resolved through negotiation:

• - Agreement as a gift occurs when a person agrees without coercion, threats, or resentment: It is a gift of love.

• ~ Bargaining involves making compromises, seeking the most equitable deal for each partner.

• ~ Co-existence involves living with the differences without undermining the basic ties.

• Communication is the basis for good relationships.• Communication and intimacy are reciprocal.