Asperger Syndrome and Asperger Syndrome and MarriageMarriage

Gisela and Chris Slater-Gisela and Chris Slater-WalkerWalker

Essential RequirementsEssential Requirements

Formal diagnosis accepted by both Formal diagnosis accepted by both partnerspartners

Mutual desire to have a working Mutual desire to have a working relationshiprelationship

Mutual willingness to learnMutual willingness to learn

BUT this mutuality of desire/willingness has not BUT this mutuality of desire/willingness has not been expressed in a ‘togetherness’ of approachbeen expressed in a ‘togetherness’ of approach

BackgroundBackground

Met at university in 1985Met at university in 1985

Moved in together 1989Moved in together 1989

Son born 1992Son born 1992

Chris diagnosed with ASD 1997Chris diagnosed with ASD 1997

Chris – Why I Wanted a Chris – Why I Wanted a RelationshipRelationship

Wanted to share something with someone Wanted to share something with someone – though not sure what– though not sure what

Was very lonely – thought that I would be Was very lonely – thought that I would be able to talk to someone in a relationshipable to talk to someone in a relationship

Also ‘heterosexual male’ Also ‘heterosexual male’

Possibly childrenPossibly children

Early Days. What Sustained the Early Days. What Sustained the Relationship?Relationship?

Limited emotional and time demands from Limited emotional and time demands from GiselaGiselaChris’s linguistic abilityChris’s linguistic abilityMutual interests – doing same courseMutual interests – doing same course

music / culturemusic / culture political sympathiespolitical sympathies

Physical attraction Physical attraction

Early Days - What Endangered the Early Days - What Endangered the Relationship? Relationship?

ChrisChrisUnreasonable demands on my timeUnreasonable demands on my timeRealised, possibly in theory, that you had to be with Realised, possibly in theory, that you had to be with someone to have a relationship – but in practice difficultsomeone to have a relationship – but in practice difficult

Gisela’s untidinessGisela’s untidiness GiselaGisela

Found aspects of Chris’s behaviour uncomfortableFound aspects of Chris’s behaviour uncomfortableApparently rude and ungrateful to parentsApparently rude and ungrateful to parentsBut appeared he wanted to be helpful – just painfully shy But appeared he wanted to be helpful – just painfully shy and according to a friend ‘the quietest person I have ever and according to a friend ‘the quietest person I have ever met’met’

Pre-Diagnosis Difficulties - GiselaPre-Diagnosis Difficulties - Gisela

Vital Routines– hoovering the working surfaceVital Routines– hoovering the working surface

Importance of sleep to ChrisImportance of sleep to Chris

Discussion of difficulties impossible – Chris Discussion of difficulties impossible – Chris apparently determined not toapparently determined not to

Apparent hostilityApparent hostility

Deteriorating relationship with parents and Deteriorating relationship with parents and childrenchildren

Apparent indifference to family members’ needsApparent indifference to family members’ needs

Unable to use feminine wilesUnable to use feminine wileswww.asperger-marriage.info

Pre-diagnosis Difficulties - ChrisPre-diagnosis Difficulties - Chris

Saw Gisela as the one with the problems - not Saw Gisela as the one with the problems - not memeI was reasonably happy, could not understand I was reasonably happy, could not understand why Gisela was notwhy Gisela was notGisela has different ideas of what is important:Gisela has different ideas of what is important:• relationship with the children and people far more relationship with the children and people far more

important to her than things being in the right placeimportant to her than things being in the right place• distressing for me when something is not in the right distressing for me when something is not in the right

placeplace

Gisela would want to discuss things at night Gisela would want to discuss things at night when I wanted to sleepwhen I wanted to sleep

AS and the young adultAS and the young adult

University experiences confirmed that I University experiences confirmed that I was different from other people.was different from other people.

Found difficulties living with other studentsFound difficulties living with other students

Depressed to the point of considering how Depressed to the point of considering how to commit suicideto commit suicide

Diagnosis – Why Important?Diagnosis – Why Important?

Chris –Always felt socially handicapped – Chris –Always felt socially handicapped – diagnosis would provide a reason for this diagnosis would provide a reason for this rather than it being a personal inadequacy rather than it being a personal inadequacy

Gisela – Chris either unwilling or unable to Gisela – Chris either unwilling or unable to engage fully in a close relationship – engage fully in a close relationship – needed to know whichneeded to know which

Initial Reaction to DSM-IVInitial Reaction to DSM-IV

Chris - Sceptical, ‘it seemed people with Chris - Sceptical, ‘it seemed people with AS acted irrationally – and I acted AS acted irrationally – and I acted rationally’rationally’

Gisela – Astonished, a description of Gisela – Astonished, a description of Chris’s idiosyncrasiesChris’s idiosyncrasies

‘‘There is no doubt in my mind that There is no doubt in my mind that you are on the autistic spectrum you are on the autistic spectrum and have Asperger Syndrome’and have Asperger Syndrome’

Effects of ASD in an ‘Able Adult’Effects of ASD in an ‘Able Adult’

BullyingBullying

Severe depressionSevere depression

Nearly ended a marriageNearly ended a marriage

Extremely unhappy relationship with parentsExtremely unhappy relationship with parents

Unable to deal with lack of structure at OxfordUnable to deal with lack of structure at Oxford

Failure to succeed at interviews – so career and Failure to succeed at interviews – so career and job opportunities curtailedjob opportunities curtailed

Difficulties in employmentDifficulties in employment

Help Available to the ‘Able Adult’ Help Available to the ‘Able Adult’ with Asperger Syndromewith Asperger Syndrome

Medication Medication

Family Family

Professional Help Available to Professional Help Available to Families of the ‘Able Adult’ with ASFamilies of the ‘Able Adult’ with AS

Other Help Available for Partners in Other Help Available for Partners in

Asperger MarriagesAsperger MarriagesLiterature by professionals, people with AS Literature by professionals, people with AS and partnersand partners

Support groups – national and localSupport groups – national and local

Internet listsInternet lists

Extended familyExtended family

Good friendsGood friends

AS Features Causing Difficulties AS Features Causing Difficulties

Lack of Empathy?Lack of Empathy?

Inability to mind-readInability to mind-read

Effects of stress on the AS partnerEffects of stress on the AS partner

Communication difficulties– personal and Communication difficulties– personal and work relationshipswork relationships

Non-Spectrum Features Causing Non-Spectrum Features Causing DifficultiesDifficulties

Lack of Appreciation of:Lack of Appreciation of:• stress caused by daily living with ASstress caused by daily living with AS• need for spaceneed for space• misunderstanding not only one waymisunderstanding not only one way

Own need for reassurance of affectionOwn need for reassurance of affection

Need for conversation and social Need for conversation and social interactioninteraction

Need to be understoodNeed to be understood

Essential problem is communicationEssential problem is communication

Verbal Communication Verbal Communication

ConversationConversationAS partner:AS partner:• has a lack of ability to initiatehas a lack of ability to initiate• has literal understandinghas literal understanding• has no innate understanding of structure of has no innate understanding of structure of

conversationconversation• simply does not know what to saysimply does not know what to say• Unaware of when to speak sometimesUnaware of when to speak sometimes

Communication Communication

Conversation structure difficultiesConversation structure difficulties• turn-taking slow or absentturn-taking slow or absent• need for processing time causes delay in need for processing time causes delay in

replying, particularly noticeable over abstract replying, particularly noticeable over abstract issues, e.g. emotionsissues, e.g. emotions

• Difficulty in beginning and ending Difficulty in beginning and ending conversations conversations

Non-verbal Communication Non-verbal Communication

A real problem: lack of facial expression A real problem: lack of facial expression and other non verbal communication leads and other non verbal communication leads to much mutual misunderstandingto much mutual misunderstanding

Mood, or attitude of the person with AS is Mood, or attitude of the person with AS is easily misreadeasily misread

Coping StrategiesCoping Strategies

Awareness of differences in communication Awareness of differences in communication Non-AS partner must not become emotional in Non-AS partner must not become emotional in conversationsconversationsDiscuss one issue at a timeDiscuss one issue at a timeTry to avoid using metaphorical languageTry to avoid using metaphorical languageWait for a reply – it will usually comeWait for a reply – it will usually comeExplain the need for a reply if it doesn’tExplain the need for a reply if it doesn’tThe intent of the person with AS should be The intent of the person with AS should be appreciated appreciated Use Instant Messaging and emailsUse Instant Messaging and emails

Employment IssuesEmployment Issues

Communication difficulties extend to other Communication difficulties extend to other aspects of lifeaspects of life

AS partner may appreciate help over work AS partner may appreciate help over work issues and day-to-day livingissues and day-to-day living

InterviewsInterviews

Inherently discriminatory for people with Inherently discriminatory for people with ASAS

‘‘Good communication skills’ invariably Good communication skills’ invariably tested by ability to communicate socially tested by ability to communicate socially rather than to communicate complex ideasrather than to communicate complex ideas

Apparent lack of confidence in interviews Apparent lack of confidence in interviews is not a true reflection of job performance is not a true reflection of job performance under pressureunder pressure

Work relationshipsWork relationships

Chris tends to trust what people say so Chris tends to trust what people say so that it is easy to take advantage of himthat it is easy to take advantage of him

Problems in ensuring contributions are Problems in ensuring contributions are recognisedrecognised

Difficulty in defending myself against Difficulty in defending myself against criticism at home and at work, especially criticism at home and at work, especially when it is unjustifiedwhen it is unjustified

Social IssuesSocial Issues

Separate social lives need not be Separate social lives need not be detrimental to a marriagedetrimental to a marriage

Social occasions based on an activity – Social occasions based on an activity – concert, theatre or quiz more successfulconcert, theatre or quiz more successful

Purely social occasions should be limited Purely social occasions should be limited to small groups of quiet people in quiet to small groups of quiet people in quiet surroundingssurroundings

ParentingParenting

Chris benefited from watching me – and Chris benefited from watching me – and we agree on strategies with Georgewe agree on strategies with George

George aware of Chris’s ASGeorge aware of Chris’s AS

Conscientious Conscientious

The FutureThe Future

Chris’s relationship with his parents is Chris’s relationship with his parents is much improvedmuch improved

Still problems with my three children – Still problems with my three children – difficult to redressdifficult to redress

Despite practice some situations still very Despite practice some situations still very difficult – interviewsdifficult – interviews

Not currently planning ‘An Asperger Not currently planning ‘An Asperger Divorce’Divorce’