HAVING ‘THOSE’ CONVERSATIONS …. REMARKABLY

GEORGIA MURCH

HAVING ‘THOSE’ CONVERSATIONS …. REMARKABLY

Insert date

WHY ARE WE HERE?

Build your confidence to have the tough conversations

Develop tools to become better at communication

Learn to manage yourself when the conversation gets difficult

WHAT IS REMARKABLE FEEDBACK?

In the moment….or close to

Fact based Candid yet kind HelpfulPerformance

enhancing

Respectful Unbias Not personal Open to their side

TYPES OF FEEDBACK

Constructive feedback – positive• Information specific, issue focused,

and based on observation• About an effort well done• Objective, specific and non-judgmental• It is not ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ so it

encourages discussion.

Constructive feedback - negative• Information specific, issue focused,

and based on observation• News about an effort that needs

improvement• Not accusing – focused on outcomes• Objective, specific and non-judgmental

Praise• This is a personal judgment, a

favourable judgment• General and vague• Doesn’t encourage discussion so it can

come across as hollow, insincere or lacking in substance

• Focused on the person• Based on opinions and feelings

Criticism• This is a personal judgment, an

unfavourable judgment• General and vague• Without specifics it can lead to a battle

over whose perception is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’

• Focused on the person• Based on opinions and feelings

REMARKABLE LEADERS EXCEL IN COMMUNICATION

The key to real change is not just to build a great process –it’s for people to hold each other accountable to use the process and that requires crucial conversations”

“ Ron McMillan

Remarkable Leadership

GREAT LEADERS ‘NIP THEM IN THE BUD’

If you do nothing… nothing will change

It is likely the behaviour or action will repeat or accelerate

Only remarkable conversations will influence

Inci

dent

s

Time

SpotFire

BushFire Cost to the

Business

Tony HsiehCEO

Zappos

In any relationship, it’s important to be a good listener as well as a good communicator. Open, honest communication is the best foundation for any relationship, but remember it’s not what you say or what you do but how you make people feel that matters most. As the company grows, communication becomes more and more important.. Communication is one of the weakest spots in any organisation, no matter how good the communication is.

“COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING

People who routinely have these conversations, and have them well, are able to express controversial and even risky opinions in a way that gets

heard. Their bosses, peers, and direct reports listen without becoming defensive or angry or running to their cave.

Impact is significant Emotions are triggered There is disagreement

WHAT ARE ‘THOSE’ CONVERSATIONS?

Might ruin the relationship

Lack of confidence

Too confrontational

Don’t have time

Not sure how to approach

No point … nothing

will change

Unsure of the facts

It’s not my job/team member

WHY DO WE AVOID/HAVE THEM POORLY?

ENGAGEMENT RESULT PROFIT

Devoted Effortless +100

Dedicated Discretionary +50

Committed Compliance +10

Tolerant Non-committal -10

Withdrawn Pollution -50

Disregard Sabotage -100

Ignoring the real cost of ineffective communication is corporate suicide.

But you don’t know it until it’s too late.

Communication is like money…. You can never

have enough!

POOR COMMUNICATION COSTS

THE BOTTOM LINE IS….

Joseph Grenny

WHAT ARE THE FACTS?

Luke is a Developer and has been on your team for just over a year. He is based in NZ and you are in Melbourne. As the Team Leader you regularly catch up with Luke to check on how things are going and what he may need help with. His skills when he joined were not as strong as others on the team, however with training and coaching along the way you felt confident he would get there as he is a smart guy.

Luke does not appear to be taking the feedback on board and you have been having the same conversation for over 6 months now (your notes are on the database). This is becoming quite frustrating. The team in NZ have made comments that the quality of work is not great and are frustrated working with him. They are not prepared to pass on this feedback to him and have asked you as his manager to do something about it quickly. You need to have the conversation with Luke.

When we speculate on the facts and then present our story, not the facts, the outcome

is damaging – for us and for them.

“Our personal earthquake of assumptions become our own natural disaster that shape our relationships”

SPECULATION KILLED THE CAT

Story ConversationFacts Speculate

ThoughtsBeliefs

OpinionsValues

THE ICEBERG SYNDROME

Never judge a man’s actions until you know his motives”.“

Words and Behaviours

Thoughts and Feelings

Values and Beliefs

Driving needs

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said ‘Nothing’. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way, home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behaviour, I don’t know why he didn’t say,‘I love you too’. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He feel asleep – I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Motorcyle won’t start. Can’t figure out why.

Her Diary

His Diary

SPECULATION KILLED THE CAT

SEPARATE YOUR STORY FROM THE FACTS

Step

02Step

03Step

01

Reflect on your future conversation

In groups of 3 discuss, what story

have you been telling yourself? Were you leading with facts or

opinion?

Separate the facts from the story

DISCOVER THE REAL TRUTH

Conversation

You

Them

A good conversation is like a tennis rally – back and forth, back and forth.

Do you have Conversations or Yoursations?

PREPARATION PRESERVES RELATIONSHIP

1. State the issue (the purpose)

2. Provide some examples (high level only)

3. Share you opinion/feelings about this

4. Clarify what is at stake

5. Identify your contribution to the problem

6. Indicate your intent to resolve (do not problem solve)

7. Ask them for their thoughts/perspective

A lot of hard work has to go into your career, and preparation, and being your best at all times.“ Leven Rabin

LET’S GIVE IT A GO

In pairs

Prepare for the future conversation (separate the story)

Then a group debrief - DON’T START THE NEXT ONE!

Lead – Practice your 1-2 minute start

Participant – Give feedback

10 mins in total

Your topic

My topic

Mutual Purpose

Not agreeing on the purpose of the conversation is like playing darts with a blindfold on. It’s pointless

and often dangerous.

GOTTA AGREE ON THE PURPOSE

Respect is like air. You don’t notice it day to day but as

soon as it’s gone it’s all you can think about.

0

100

-50

Ask for anything

Much work to do before you ask

for anything

RESPECT OR BUST

If you want to be a great leader, remember to treat all people with respect at all times. For one, because you never know you’ll need their help. And two, because it’s a sign you respect people, which all great leaders do.

“ Simon SinekAuthor of

‘Leadership Expert’

RESPECT OR BUST

FIGHTERS

Controlling

Labelling

Attacking

Intimidating

Fighters tend to

FLIGHTERS

Withdrawing

Avoiding

Masking

Flighters tend to avoid

IssuesContentPeople

TECHNIQUES TO RESTORE SAFETY

Apologise, when appropriate01

Use do/don’t statements 02

Agree on a mutual purpose03

Ask what is going on04

Paraphrase to acknowledge their story05

Make silence your friend06

Validate their feelings07

APOLOGIES MATTER

An apology is the super glue of conversations. It can repair just about anything.

Apology Other PersonTRUST

In the same pair

LET’S GIVE IT A GO

Use the conversations you prepared earlier

Lead – prepare and practice the techniques to restore safety

Participant – decide on fight or flight mode and do it

10 mins in total

Then a group debrief - DON’T START THE NEXT ONE!

The only person you can control is a conversation….

is YOU!

Breath Positive self talk (good wolf, bad wolf)

Ask for time

Be aware of your triggers

Ignore the story/speculation

Take ownership

Go back to your notes

Listen… really. Avoid interrupting

BUT HOW DO I SELF MANAGE?

POINTERS

Ask don’t tellCoaching

gives you timeGive up your strong

relationship to controlAllow your ego to move to the side

THE POWER OF COACHING

Coaching allows your people to reach their fullest potential +

Leading them become effortless

LET’S DO IT!

In pairs

Lead – Decide on the questions

you will use

Participant –Decide on a

problem/situation you would like to

work through

15 mins in total Then a group debrief - DON’T

START THE NEXT ONE!

BOARD OF DIRECTORS IN OUR HEAD

Blamer01

02 All about Me’er

03 B&W Thinker

04 Negative Thinker

05 Catastrophiser/Minimiser

06 Always right

07 Powerless

08 Perfectionist

09 Labeller

10 Entitler

LEAD YOURSELF OUT OF THE BOD TRAP?

Seek advice

Build gratitude

Shift the onus to yourself

Look for the gift in the lesson

Feed the Good Wolf

Go back to the facts

Learn to recognisethe thinking

METHOD OUTCOME

Face to face Ideal outcome

Face to face (tech) Near 100%

Phone Highly likely

Email Highly unlikely

Text/message Dangerous

Snapchat/ FB Epic Fail

Timing MethodIdeal

outcome

THE RIGHT PLACE, AT THE RIGHT TIME

Location

Learn to Look and STOP the discussion until safety is restored

The ‘real truth’ is your facts… AND theirs

‘Nipping it in the bud’ maintains relationships and productivity

Be conscious of Conversations not Yoursations

Present facts first always, don’t lead with opinion

Don’t believe everything you think – the BOD’s might be in control

Beware of the Iceberg syndrome and that you don’t apply it

If you don’t practice then NOTHING will change

When all else fails…. Breath!

Shut the hell up!

KEY TAKEAWAYS

DELIBERATE PRACTICE MAKES EXPERT

You won’t become an expert by observation. If you don’t practice – you won’t improve. The end.

WHAT’S YOUR START, STOP AND CONTINUE?

START

CONTINUE

STOP

Workb

ook

THANKS FOR THE FEEDBACK

Truth triggers

What stops us from receiving feedback graciously

What we can do in the moment

Relationship triggers

Identify triggers

Delivery trigger

Find the ‘gold’ Be the example Beware of your iceberg

SET CLEAR EXPECTATIONS

Optiver focus groups tell us;

Need to start setting clear goals;

When What How Measurement

“Outside of trading, priorities are often unclear and need direction”

“Blind sided by projects with no clear goals and poor ticketing”

“Not enough feedback or communication from TL on my work”

“1:1s are too task focused with longer term goals”

BRILLIANT CONVERSATIONS

Improve the quality of conversations

Improves the quality of your relationships

Improves the quality of outcomes

Leads to Brilliant Leadership

GET OUT THERE AND BECOME REMARKABLE!

Talk to

Georgia Murch

0402 252 791

georgia@canwetalk.net.au

www.canwetalk.net