The Pine Barrens: New Jersey

6/26/10

My friend Ken and I venture out for

a little offroad fun on a beautiful

but hot Saturday afternoon.

The Pine Barrens are part of New Jersey’s Wharton State park, and boast over 500 miles of UNPAVED ROADS. The simple rules are:• 1. Use a 4WD Vehicle

• 2. Don’t stray from the roads.

• 3. Beware of puddles on the sandy roads. They are deeper than they appear.

• 4. Don’t drive alone, or ensure you have a winch if you do.

4WD Vehicle: CHECK! No problem driving

this thing in the sand….

Don’t Stray: CHECK!• We stayed on the nice sandy roads all day,

occasionally pulling over to look at the sights.

Beware of the…• Damn. Didn’t follow this rule. This looked like a

nice shallow puddle…AT FIRST!!!

This Jeep is officially STUCK.

Mud is level with the bottom of the jeep. I’m also ass

deep in mud

No worries folks, because I didn’t drive alone. My Friend

Ken came with me. Since we followed part of rule

number 4 (I don’t have a winch) then we should be totally

fine, right?

Oh wait, when they say “Don’t Drive Alone,” they

probably mean to have another vehicle with you.

Ohhhhhhh…..so, you see, having Ken in the passenger

seat probably isn’t going to freakin’ help here, is it?

Great, This is what being SCREWED feels like. We’re

alone, it’s hot as blazes, we have totally bottomed out.

WE ARE SO SCREWED!

So, Mark is the weird guy we saw earlier sunbathing in

the swampy looking river. We laughed at weird Mark at

first because he was acting like a mental patient, but

when we were stuck in the mud…guess what…Mark

didn’t seem so weird. Mark was a hero. You see, Mark

got us shovels, water and a strong ass nylon strap.

And I dug, and we dug, and I dug and we dug. Then we

drank water, dug some more. I was ass deep in water

and mud, and I dug and dug until I couldn’t stand it any

longer. We were tired, worn out and about to die. (We

dug for like 8 minutes, but we’re really out of shape.)

I wish I had a picture of Weird Mark for you, but there

was a good chance that Weird Mark would have killed

us and thrown us in the river if we didn’t play it his way.

You see, Weird Mark knew just a little too much about

the backwoods of New Jersey. Any guy that willingly

gets in that water just seems like a cooky enough guy

that should’t be crossed. So, we gave him the shovels

that we just bought, a nice $20 spot that Ken had in his

pocket and we bid him farewell.

But I say, Thank you sir. Thank you, thank you, thanks.

Getting the Jeep all dirty is more fun if you have the right

equipment.

But when you’re stuck, it’s not so great.

This is Ken. Without him, I’d for sure be dead in the Pine Barrens.

I’ve got mud between my toes, all over my clothes, in my hair, on

my face…

…AND IN MY BUTT! I can’t wait to get home and take a

shower…tomorrow we worry about cleaning the Jeep!