The September Artefacts

By Christain Pakozdi

This book was inspired by a man who others call cruel and alone, but he will always be fond memories in my heart. This is for you, Dinosaur.

I think

You came from a star

Your birth was a supernova 

And i’m thinking of you

Most of the time

And how

You make me shine

I’d become a tornado

If we were to part

Ripping the land to shreds

There is more to you

Than I will ever see

I have storms inside of me 

That you soften

And you are a warmth for my heart

You are the hot to my cold

And together, we make clouds

I'll never feel bad

From your words 

And jabs

I have more love inside of me

Than the amount of anger

You have

In you

Don’t be

A stranger to me

Please

Life is already 

Strange enough

I’ll always be

Searching for you

what about 

How I feel

One of these days

I’ll feel enough pain

And shed

All my love for you

Maybe

I hope you cry as hard as you ever have

for you look heartbreakingly beautiful when you are destroyed

why do you think I lay beneath the weeping willow

Because it is lovely and tragic 

and it’s leaves are like curtains

I’ll be your curtain

so cry

be destroyed 

I love you, I love you, I love you

My heart reeks of whiskey

And for him

It’s not even remotely sad

I’m wailing into the night

“You piece of shit”

And I hear nothing

My face is salted and wet

He’s done more damage

Than he thought

Fleeting urgencies

Unspoken revelries

I am always on my knees

“Let me be, let me be”

I have

Sad love songs

Echoing

And repeating

In my room

All my family knows

He left me

They can tell

From the sobs 

Rattling through the house

I am bridled

By pain

You drove the steel from your eyes

Right through my heart

If only you’d 

Let me speak

And plead my peace

I’d never hurt you

Intentionally

Before I met you

I was the other woman

And you turned

And dashed

Those times

And I fell

For the glimmer in your eye

I once thought

No one would love me

I’m not sure

If you really did

But you made me feel alive

I wasn’t even done

Knowing you

My soul

Is in a winter

Maybe he

Was a lesson

Or maybe it’s not our time

I did everything I could

I’ll never see him again

How could this be

And the sadness stales

Inside of me

My beating heart

Stutters for you

And when I realize

I’ll never see you again

I shake

Like a leaf

You calmed my nerves

Thank you

For your presence

you can have

Your wall of models

And you can have

your lonely days

I will have

A circle of love

I wouldn’t ever be mad at you

I am better

Than anger

You took

My flame

When you left

Maybe i can find a boy

to chill with

Pass the time 

Maybe if I was a different woman

We would still be

I hope you get

Everything you’ve ever wanted

My love

You’ll never convince me

I was the antagonist 

I spread myself apart 

For you

How long

Was I supposed to wait 

For you

How much more time

Did you want me to spend

Wondering when you would be back

I’m not guilty

For wanting you

There’s an aching in my chest

Because we are done now

I was decieved by your steel eyes

I am naive

The energy of sorrow

My idea of happiness

Is the lack of sadness

All I want

Is your spark

So I can be a flame once more

Don’t make me crumple

With your back to me

Dont break me

Like they have

Please

I can feel myself 

breaking

under the confusion

and i can feel my mind

straining

under the weight

of all the heartbreak

All i know

Is that I love him

and the steel in his eyes

My heart is threaded

With sadness

But he fills me with faith

He makes the pain

Okay

I want to be beaten

just so I can

Beg for it to stop

and revel in the punches

Can I just

let go tonight

While you 

Give me one, two, three

And as I slouch to the floor

You shout at me

Reminding me

how dirty I am

Break me apart

colour my skin

Please

While I was busy

Not loving you

I began to love you

Anyways

I have a thudding in my heart

Fresh butterflies

Just for you

You have these eyes

I’d swim in

You can spend a little time on me

Anyday

There is no rest

For calm like this

I’ve given it all for this

The world is grey scaled

For the season

But the days 

Are beautiful 

Regardless

I still ache for him

And there are day’s

I would wait 

For eternity

I fell heavy

But I have things at my fingertips

So i have to move along

Tragedy, your time is up

I sleep with bad men now

I prefer it if they had

Red in their eyes

and an evil smile

I never got

To watch the snow

Fall slowly

With you

And that

Splits my heart

In two

A friend of mine once told me

"if you go back to him, you'd be giving up"

Maybe

I don't mind

Giving up

My heart 

Is exhausted

You had me in a feverThat was magnificentYou loved the creature I wasAnd you lovedMy hideYou touchedIt’s softnessDid weSuffocate each otherDid I notLove you the right wayI’m jonesing For you

You areMy lone wolfThe worldTurned its back on youSo you built An armyInside of youI amOf a passive racePlease removeThe exileYou placed upon me

You leave Cruel staticKnowing IWill tune inDon’t you knowThat IWorship youI’d give up my mistress waysWith a thousand menJust to spend timeWith youWhat pulled youAway from me

I fell into youEffortlesslyAnd thenFrom the molehills to the mountainsYou left meSuddenly

I remember the wayYou traced your fingersAlong your television screenWhen you pointed out to meThe patterns in the video gameAnd on that winters dayWhen the sun warmed the landJust for you and II was calm

When I snapped outOf youIt took me a secondI’m not even bitterKarma is looking For a bloodbathAnd you justBlew up On his radar

I was rightWhen I saidYou were unlovableYou didn’tDeserveMy plungeInto youYou can keep The pieces you took from meI will grow better ones

I wasWarned about youAnd I was told“leave him before he leaves you”I evaded advice

If could catch a glimpse of youagainI’d never bat an eyeI’d reinstall youInto myAnd I would never forgetAny part of youWhat do I have to doTo get you to remember Our momentsBecauseYou must have forgotIf you’re acting Like this

You haveErased meFrom youEntirelyYou areA deaf ear

This is a poemFor all the friendsWho make my heart betterAnd make the transitionFrom painA less turbulent ride

You have no friendsNo alliesI hopeThat you distract yourselfFor as long as possibleAnd when you fire upAnd blow smoke at my memoriesYou’re only delayingThe inevitableThere will be pain

The loneliness Encases meLike a grasshopperIn a glass jar

I’m not going To time travelIn my mindAnymoreYou taught meHow to growI don’t need you To miss meanymore

You were onceA lightFor meI knowWe can be happyWithout one anotherThere will beOthers

TonightI am burying my September artifactsI onceHeld it above meAnd it would shine brightFrom time to timeBut then itUnravelled meProjected all my insecurities upon meAnd thenIt shut downI could notRouse itNo matter what I didIt was just a silent thingIt will be okaySomeone elseWill discover itAnd then it will once againBe a light for someone else