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The Heartache of an Echo

By Thom Hunter -- http://thom-signsofastruggle.blogspot.com/

“Where is God? ...Go to Him when your need is desperate, when

all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double-bolting on theinside. After that, silence.” – C.S. Lewis, after the death of hiswife.

My grandfather was a man of few words. At least he was to me. I wasoften just an intrusive little boy who always forgot to not slam thescreen door when running in and out. I'd yell out an "I'm sorry" as Ibounded down the porch steps or down the hall. Paw-Paw, sitting at acard table playing Solitaire, would usually just make a grunting noise in

return, not looking up from the cards, though once I paused and sawhim smile. That told me a lot more than the grunt.

I regret now that I was always dashing in and out and passing his tablewith little thought. He was so accessible, but for some reason I felt hewould have little to say, not a lot in common, and might want me tolinger longer than I wanted to. So, I dashed and slammed. What wasso much more important? Hide-and-seek with the now-forgotten

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neighborhood kids in our connecting yards? A comic book down thehall that needed reading?

I wonder if the slamming door echoed in the emptiness of the room inwhich he often sat alone playing his cards or eating syrup on bread?

How long did the smile stay on his face?

I do know that my grandfather was not a man of few words witheveryone. He helped my older brother assemble a motorcycle. Thattakes more than a grunt. And I do remember him putting some prettystern and loud polish on a few words here and there . . . again usuallyspoken to my brother, often from the front porch as the motorcycledisappeared down the street. Probably sent the neighbor kids into adeeper form of hide-and seek.

I wouldn't necessarily say Paw-Paw had a way with words, seeing as

how he somehow gave my grandmother the nickname "Bump," a termof endearment she endured until his death and probably repeated inher peaceful thoughts until her own.

What words would he have had for me had I listened? Would I havehad a nickname? What might Paw-Paw have wanted to hear had Islowed and sat a moment at the table? Maybe he was much moreinterested in me than I thought. I believe he was. Maybe he wouldhave said more if I had sought more. I believe he would have.

I' never picture God as a grandfather, puttering around in the garage

for spare parts to make this or that work again. He doesn't tinker. Heticked the first tick and knows all and sees all and hears all . . . butsometimes I think He plays a little Solitaire.

How about Hearts instead, God? Deal me in.

I know that God is omni-present; but it seems every now and then Heis omni-absent. The sign on the door says "Gone Fishing," the lightsare out, the doorbell dings in an empty room, the No Vacancy sign ison . . . drive on down the road . . . alone. Yes, I know that is not true;He never leaves me; He never leaves you. Even as I sit here and write

questions about His absence, He knows each keystroke in advance.But . . . will He keep me from misspelling? Bad grammar? No.

Wasn't He there, in the Garden of Eden, right after Adam and Eve'sencounter with the serpent? His Word says God came walking up inthe cool of the day. Surely He was also there in the heat of themoment. Yet He didn't clear his throat and wag his finger and say

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"Ummm . . . Eve . . no, no, no." So Eve did, did, did and we've beendone for since.

God was oddly silent and then clearly loud.

I'll admit that it bothers me a bit to know that God was with me beforeI slipped and, with all the power of the universe, watched me tumble,twist and turn on the way down, hit the bottom with a gut-wrenchingand bone-jarring thud . . . and then comes out in the cool of the day asif He had not seen it all happen. Is He really a "what's up?" God?

No.

“Wait for the Lord. Be strong and let your heart take courage.

Yes, wait for the Lord.” -- Psalm 27:14

But I don't want to wait. I want to act. I want to meet a . . . need?Iwant!

How many of us, when we are dialing a number we shouldn't know;turning into an area we shouldn't go, logging on to a website weshouldn't see, acting like someone we shouldn't be . . . say toourselves: "Wait . . . Let me ask God about this?"

It's easy to say He's not speaking when we're not pausing. It's purespiritual finger-pointing to say He's not responding when we're notreflecting.

I think sometimes we think we might prefer a "No . . . No . . . No . . ."wagging-a-warning finger God. And we would, of course, gently laydown our pride, sweep aside our defiance, thank Him profusely forkeeping us from falling, pledge our undying trust and obey withoutquestion. Or perhaps we would eat of the fruit; gain the knowledge wedo not need; satisfy the glutton side of our spirit and waddle into ourall-too-familiar rescue me mode.

Fact of the matter is, God does wag a "No . . . No. . . No. . . " finger inour faces. We just ignore it and say we didn't hear Him. Are weactually expecting God to come sit by our bedside and read His Wordaloud to us at night?

My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring

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 you prosperity. Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he

will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your owneyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. -- Proverbs 3:1-7

OK . . . I'll do that. But . . . remind me. Okay, God? I just might forget.

Oops . . . that was how the verse began: "do not forget." And it asksme to "keep." Keep what? Those commands I so easily tossed tolighten the load as I traveled down the me-want road. And . . . oh yeah. . . He wanted me to write "love and faithfulness" on the tablet of myheart. But . . . that's my heart. There's not much writing room left;

I've done a lot of scribbling and mark-outs through the years trying tosatisfy the longings of my heart.

Of course then He wants me to trust. Trust? Lust? Tough choices weface in this life. He says if I trust Him instead of myself . . . he will takeall those crooked detours, jagged fault lines, dangerous drop-offs,impossible mountains . . . those cliffs . . . out of my path and make it"straight." We're not talking sexual semantics here . . . we're talkingdirection . . . which can certainly lead to some serious sexualsemantics.

So what else does this "silent" God, who has looked up at me as I onceagain slammed a door in haste, have to say? He says for me to not"be wise in my own eyes." Who knew that the pursuit of wisdom couldbe so dangerous? Well . . . Eve, I guess, in retrospect. Adam, too.And, oh yes, the serpent. But he knew it all along. Surely Goddoesn't want me to just be stupid? I'd get into so much trouble. Oh . .. yeah. That.

For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and theweakness of God is stronger than man's strength. -- I Corinthians1:25

I remember driving out onto a lonely hill at the edge of the town I grewup in, seeing the lights in the distance and thinking of each of them asa porch light in a home where everything was right and good, everybody tucked in for the night, every heart satisfied, every mind at rest,every soul at peace.

Lacking the courage to call out to God, I repeated instead within my

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mind what all was not right with my world . . . my home . . . myheart . . . my soul . . . my peace. And those words echoed within theemptiness . . . and brought me heartache. I had come to the hillalone . . . and remained there alone . . . and departed alone. Mychoice.

We may come to the garden alone . . . but we shouldn't leave that way.He is so accessible, but He might want us to linger a little longer thanwe want to. So, we dash and slam. "Oops . . . sorry."

What must really be difficult for God -- if anything could ever so belabeled -- is to hear the echoes of His own Word as it descends into ourvalleys and reverberates against the emptiness we feel as we seek tosatisfy our selves with increasing self-absorption. We want to movethat mountain, cross that valley, swim that ocean . . . and then . . .when totally satiated, cry out "Where were you, God?"

With you.

 The heartache of His echo.

I know sometimes it seems that we are all alone in whatever battle hasworked to separate us from His love, whatever temptation has tatteredour goodness, whatever sin has led to our shunning. But we are neveralone. We would not, could not, will not be alone.

Having trouble finding your own way out of your mess? Tempted to

blame God, declaring Him absorbed in some sort of Solitaire while youslowly slip away?

Maybe, in some small way, God really is like Paw-Paw. Maybe I wouldhear more than a grunt; see more than a passing smile . . . if I wouldopen a few doors here and there instead of slamming them as Iproceed to and fro on my own. Maybe if I played a little less hide-and-seek, put away the comics -- the pursuit of happiness as defined byculture -- and paused at the table, talked to Him, listened to Him,pulled out the chair, sat down . . . and waited.

Like He asked me to do in the first place. Remember: “Wait for theLord. Be strong and let your heart take courage. Yes, wait for theLord.” -- Psalm 27:14

 You know, that's what I always wanted: to be strong, to have courage.And He said I could. If I would wait for Him. I bet that was aresounding echo.

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I do love God. And, with God, Solitaire is a team sport. One heart.

Next time you find yourself feeling the pain of self-induced pity at yourpitiful plight of weakness in the face of temptation, remember: Wait.Be strong. Take courage. Wait.

We don't do that very well, do we? Waiting. Waiting on the Lord.Want . . . wait. A choice that can lead us into a celebration of conversation or a heartache of echoes, purpose or pain, oneness oraloneness. Victory or defeat. Restoration or repetition. A straightpath or an endless cycle.

God is never silent. He spoke it all in advance of every question.

God Bless,

 Thom