When SomeoneYou Love Is Experiencing Depression

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Copyright © 2007 University of Kentucky and its licensors. All rights reserved.

Sources:l Beck,Aaron,andRush,JohnA.CognitiveTherapyof

Depression.NewYork,NewYork:GuilfordPress,1979.

l Burns,David.TheFeelingGoodHandbook.NewYork,NewYork:Plume,1990.

l Golant,Mitch,andGolant,Susan.WhattoDoWhenSomeoneYouLoveIsDepressed.NewYork,NewYork:HenryHoltCo.,1996.

l Mark,Francis.Depression:TheMoodDisease.Baltimore,Maryland:JohnsHopkinsUniversityPress,1990.

l McGrath,Ellen.TheCompleteIdiot’sGuidetoBeatingtheBlues.NewYork,NewYork:Macmillan,1998.

l Murray,Bob,andFortinberry,Alicia.CreatingOptimism:AProven,Seven-StepProgramforOvercomingDepression.NewYork,NewYork:McGraw-Hill,2004.

DougBurnham,MSWExtensionHealthSpecialistUKCooperativeExtensionHEELProgramUKCollegeofSocialWork

February2007

ForinformationonhealthissuesinKentucky,logonto:www.ca.uky.edu/heel

When Someone You Love Is Experiencing DepressionDepressionisnotjusta“blueperiod”:itisanillness.Itaffects

thebody,feelings,thoughts,andbehavior.Itisnotsomethingyoucan“justgetover.”Itisanillnessthatneedstreating.Youwouldnotexpectapersontobeableto“justgetover”diabetesorcancer.Thesameistruefordepression.Italsodoesnotmeanthatthepersonisweak,althoughsomemayviewitthatway. Fortunately,mostpeoplerespondwelltoacombinationofmedicationand“talk”therapy.Wehavelearnedalotaboutdepressionoverthepast20yearsandnewtreatmentshaveprovenverysuccessful.Wehavealsolearnedthatfullresultsfromtreatmentmaytakeseveralweeksormonths.Infact,forsomepeople,treatmentneedstogoonforalongtime,eventopreventnewoccurrencesofdepression.

What can you do to help?l Encourage the person to seek

treatmentfromaqualifiedmentalhealthprofessionalaswellasanattentivedoctor.Medicinealoneissometimestried,butitusuallyisnotenough.Ittakesbothmedicineandcounselingtobeeffective.

l Offer help in finding treatment and agree to go with the persontothefirstappointment.

l Encourage the person to follow through with treatment plans.Takemedicationasprescribed.Practicewhatispresentedintreatmentsessions.Keepappointments.

l Understandthatthe depressed personmaybeself-absorbed,irritable,rejecting,hostile,unabletoenjoyanything,onlyseeingthenegative;andmayfailtofollowthroughonthings.Thesearejustpartofthedepressionandmayhavelittleornothingtodowithyou.

l Learn about the symptomsandsignsofdepression.(Seesourcesbelow)

l Allow the person to have as much control as possible.(Depressedperson’sgenerallyfeelatotallackofcontrol.)Gentlyinsistonphysicalactivity.

è Offeropportunitiesforgettingoutofthehouse.

è Trytointerestthepersoninsomephysicalactivity.

è Providecompanionshipbutdonotexpectmuchinreturn(forawhile).

è Provideopportunitiesforsocialinteraction.

(Thepersonwillnot“feel”likedoinganyofthesethings.Thus,somegentleproddingmaybehelpful.)

l Avoid using alcohol or drugs with the person.Thiswillonlycontributetofurtherdepressionandcouldbedangerousincombinationwithmedication.

l Ask, very directly, what the person needs.Depressedindividualsmaynotbeabletorespond.Therefore,bereadytosuggestthingsyouarewillingtodo.Practicalassistanceis

usuallymostappreciated.Itwillhavethegreatestimpactifyoutakeonprojectstogether:

gettingthekidstoschoolordaycare,cleaningthehouse,doinglaundry,goingwiththemtothegrocery,etc.Ifthedepressedpersonlivesalone,

havingamealwithhimmaybehelpful.Manydepressedpeoplelosetheir

appetites–otherswithdepressionovereat.Havingsomeoneelsearoundformealsmighthelpthemtoeatinahealthyway.

l Do not make excuses for the person’s behavior.Eventhoughdepressed,heneedstotakeresponsibilityforwhathedoes.However,becarefulthatyoudonotaddtotheperson’sburdens.

l Be willing to listenbutdonottrytobeatherapistortosolvetheirproblems.

l Offer lots of reassurance –thingswillgetbetterwithtimeandtreatment.Oneofthemajorreactionstodepressionisthefeelingthatthingswillnevergetbetter.–“Thisisthewaythingswillalwaysbe.”Thisisnotrealbutitfeelsrealtosomeonewhoisdepressed.

l Do not deny the person’s feelingsbutbereadytosuggestdifferentinterpretationsorperspectivesofthings.Depressionaffectsthethoughtprocessandcontributestodistortedthinking.Supportivepeoplecanactasasortofrealitycheckforthedepressedlovedone.

l Take suicide comments very seriously.Ifyouthinkthedepressedpersonisthinkingofkillinghimself,askhimverydirectly.Youwillnotbeintroducingtheideaofsuicide.Assurehimthatsuicideisnotthebestalternative.Withtreatmentandtimehewillfeelbetter.Doyourbesttogethimtoprofessionalhelp.Contactemergencyhelpifneeded.

l Take care of yourself.Beingaroundadepressedpersonforlongperiodsoftimecanbeexhausting.Toomuchnegativetalkcanbegintomakeyoufeelalittledepressed.Takebreaks.Getlotsofphysicalactivity.Prepareandeathealthymeals.Get therightamountofsleep.Havefunand

laughalot.Usedailyinspirationalbooks,meditation,orprayer.

Spendsometimewithfriendsandfamilywhoarenotdepressed.Allowyourselftoenjoythebeautyofpeopleandthingsaroundyou.If

beingwithadepressedpersoniscausingyoutofeel“down”

andexhausted,seekguidanceforyourself.

l Asmuchaspossible,share the care-giving.Askdirectlyforassistancefromfamilymembersandfriends.Thismayrequirenegotiatingwiththedepressedpersonthelevelofinformationthatcanbeshared.Donottrytotakeoneverythingbyyourself.

l Recognize that your anger, frustrations, and helplessness are normal feelings.Youmightneedtotalkaboutthesefeelingswithfriendsoraprofessionalhealthprovider.

l Do not take the person’s depression personally.Heisnotdoinganythingtoyou.Heisstrugglingtomaintaincontroloverwhatheisthinking,feeling,anddoing.Youdidnotdoanythingtocausehisdepression.Letgoofanyguiltaboutthat.Youcannot“fix”anotherperson’sdepression.

l Remember that depression is a lot like other health problems that last a long time.Researchhasshownthatdepressiveperiodscanreoccurjustlikeflare-upsofhighbloodpressureorasthma.Bewatchful,andavoidthinkingthatithasallgoneawaywhensymptomsarereduced.Depressioncanreturnandtreatmentmayneedtobeinplaceformanymonthstokeepitatbay.