Revising Graduate-Level Writing

By the end of this workshop, you will be able to:

• Recognize and differentiate between Higher Order Concerns(HOCs) and Lower Order Concerns (LOCs) in order to revise more efficiently.

• Select and apply specific revising strategies in order to respond to comments on your writing and manage the amount of time you devote to revising.

The Writing Centre Student Academic Success Services

http://sass.queensu.ca/writingcentre

Workshop overview:

Revising for ourselves

•Higher Order Concerns (HOCs)

•Paragraphs

•Organization

• Lower Order Concerns (LOCs)

Revising in response to comments

Knowing when to stop

How do you feel about the process of

revision?

Strongly positive

Somewhat positive

Neutral

Somewhat negativeStrongly negative

What kind of reviser are you?

Do you revise as you write?

Do you wait until you’ve reached the end

of a draft?

Is there a best practice in

revising? YES!!!

Most writing experts agree that revision is a

separate process from writing and should

occur after a draft is complete.

“Revising while you generate text is like

drinking decaffeinated coffee in the early

morning: noble idea, wrong time.” Paul J.

Silvia, How to Write a Lot (76)

The fundamentals of revision

Revision is, literally, re-seeing.

It’s a necessary part of the writing process, whether sending an email or writing a dissertation or being Margaret Atwood.

It’s done, ideally, after time away from writing.

Prewriting Writing Re-writing

“When you revise, imagine yourself as a reader, instead of the writer, and

ask yourself, ‘Does this make sense to me?’ But you are a very privileged

reader, because if you don’t like what you see or hear you can change it.”Joan Bolker, Writing Your Dissertation in Fifteen Minutes a Day (118)

Revising for Ourselves

Look at it with new eyes.

Leave it. Take a break.

Print it out in a new font.

Read it out loud.

Your #1 strategy: One chapter at a timeYour #2 strategy: Separate higher order concerns from lower

order concerns

What is an HOC?Argument strength & coherence

Paragraph organization & length

Appropriate detail in discussion

Incorporation & use of evidence

What is an LOC?Sentence length & variety Repetition

Grammatical concerns

Wordiness & awkward phrasing

Formatting & citations

Save time by starting with HOCs: First, purpose and audience

Will your reader:

raise counterarguments?

have biases?

know something that you

need to engage with?

Put yourself in the reader’s place. What does he or she:

know already?

want to know?

need to know?

Clarity and Focus

Be sure that your argument/point is explicitly stated near the start of your draft, especially if it’s complicated!

Organization and

paragraphing

Readers appreciate signposts,

whether a topic sentence in a

paragraph or a sub-heading

for a section.

What is the point of this paragraph?

The dance patterns of bees in their hive help to point the way to distant flower fields or announce successful foraging. Male stickleback fish regularly swim upside-down to indicate outrage in a courtship contest. Male deer and lemurs mark territorial ownership by rubbing their own body secretions on boundary stones or trees. And frightened dogs often place their tails between their legs and run in panic. We, too, use gestures, expressions, postures, and movement to give our words point.

--Olivia Vlahos, Human Beginnings

PARAGRAPH PROPORTION

What

(the point)

The main idea to be discussed (best introduced in

a topic sentence, the introductory sentence of

your paragraph)

1-2

sentences

How (the

proof)

The evidence used to substantiate the point or

back up the argument: examples, paraphrases,

summaries, etc.

2-4

sentences

Why

(the

comment)

Commentary outlining the significance or

implications of the preceding material

Your explanation of how and why these ideas fit

together: relationships, contrasts, conclusions,

implications, etc.

2-4

sentences

Length: not shorter than 5 lines, not more than 3/4 of a double-spaced page, and is ideally between 1/3 and 3/4 of a double-spaced page.

What’s the LOGIC of your sequencing?

Regions?

Processes? Chronology?

Theme?

Arguments?

Category?

School of thought?

Track of inquiry?

Additional strategies

• Turn your draft into a chart.

• Works best for short sections

• Reduce each paragraph to a single word / short phrase.

• Be brutally honest with yourself.

• Number the sentences.

• Create a reverse outline.

• Condenses material to 1-2 pages

• Highlights problems quickly

1. Start with what you have completed toward the assignment.

2. Label each paragraph in a new document. Be RUTHLESSLY ACCURATE here.

Does every paragraph relate back to your main idea?

Think about each label to make productive decisions about what to keep or cut.

Where might a reader have trouble following the order of your ideas?

The labels’ sequence: make strategic choices for rearranging the paper on a

paragraph-by-paragraph basis, or for adding or removing paragraphs to improve

organization.

Do several of your paragraphs repeat one idea?

If your reverse outline shows two paragraphs that make similar points, consider

combining them or revising one so that it does not make too similar a point.

Does one paragraph juggle several topics?

By dividing topics into two or more paragraphs when necessary, each one

discussing a more

focused sub-topic or set of topics, you may be able to ensure that your reader

follows your meaning.Adapted from http://writing.wisc.edu/Handbook/ReverseOutlines.html

How to Create a Reverse Outline

Revising in response to comments ~How not to feel like this:

• Start with what you feel most comfortable doing, even LOCs rather than HOCs

• Delete comments as you deal with them.

• Remember: you don’t have to make every suggested change.

“Unclear argument” “Vague point” “Position unclear”

What it means: Reader is having a hard time identifying the central point. How to revise:

1) Ask questions.—Does the evidence support your point?

2) Reread your entire draft.—The point may be more clearly articulated in the middle or at the end.

3) Reframe your argument.—Your point could be the answer to a question you pose or the resolution of a problem you identify.

* This and the following four slides are adapted from Diana Hacker and Nancy Sommers, A Canadian Writer’s Reference (23-27).

Dealing with feedback*

What it means: The draft should recognize and respond to possible objections to your argument.

How to revise:

1) Identify areas of contention in the literature.—Where do the main disagreements lie?

2) Respond explicitly to them in the draft.—Use phrases like “Some readers might point out that . . .” or “Critics of this view argue that . . . .”

3) (possibly) Reconsider your main point.—If these objections are strong, you may need to respond to them more centrally in the chapter.

“Consider opposing

viewpoints”

“What about Scholar

X?”

“Counterargument?”

What it means: Readers are having difficulty following the argument because it’s tackling too much at once. How to revise:

1) Scrutinize the paragraphs in this section.—Does each address just one idea? If not, separate them.

2) Revisit the topic sentence of each paragraph.—Does it articulate that paragraph’s single central point?

“Two points at once”

“Unfocused”

“Hard to follow”

What it means: Additional detail or discussion is needed to strengthen your point. How to revise:

1) Ask questions—Have you provided the right kind and amount of evidence to persuade readers?

1) Interpret your evidence.—Details and examples don’t speak for themselves; show readers how evidence fits into your argument.

“Be specific”

“Needs more proof ”

“Evidence?”

What it means: The draft may stop short of providing a fully detailed discussion of your idea. How to revise:

1) Discuss the section with another reader (supervisor, Writing Centre consultant, friend, family member). Ask him or her what additional background information, examples, or evidence is needed. Ask if your point is clear.

2) Keep your larger purpose in mind—Use the what/how/why paragraph structure to bring discussion back to your main point.

“Develop more”

“Give examples”

”Explain”

Your #1 strategy: One chapter at a timeYour #2 strategy: Separate higher order concerns from lower

order concerns

What is an HOC?Argument strength & coherence

Paragraph organization & length

Appropriate detail in discussion

Incorporation & use of evidence

What is an LOC?Sentence length & variety Repetition

Grammatical concerns

Wordiness & awkward phrasing

Formatting & citations

Common LOC #1: long sentences

Find long sentences by reading aloud.

Look for sentences longer than 20 words.

Look for sentences that extend over several

lines.

Your #3 strategy: Once you’re satisfied with the HOCs, move on to

the LOCs

1. Long sentences and wordiness

2. Transitions

Common LOC #2: wordiness

LOOK FOR UNNECESSARY WORDS AND PHRASES.

Wordy: Three out of five women who raise families on their own without the help of spouses or partners struggle to achieve an acceptable level of subsistence, in effect living below what is designated in Canada as the official “poverty line.” (40 words)

Concise: Three out of five single mothers live in poverty. (9 words)

Use plain language and precise

terms.

Ditch the adjectives and adverbs.

(Wonderfully helpful -- ‘helpful’.

Thoroughly researched --

‘researched’)

To tell your reader what you think,

you have to organize your ideas for

communication rather than expression.

We, as human beings, need to

consider the needs of the many as

well as the few in order to provide

social safety networks for all, since

we live in a democratic nation. (33)

DEMOCRACY REQUIRES EQUAL

BENEFITS FOR ALL CITIZENS. (7)

This essay will examine and explore

the complex, dynamic relationships

between our digital communications

(Internet, email, IM, text, etc.) and the

degree to which our mental health is

impacted by these communications.

(32)

SOCIAL MEDIA USE AND MENTAL

HEALTH ARE INTERTWINED. (8)

All approaches considered, Peters and

Anderson’s proposed policy is most

beneficial in this situation because it

includes input from the constituents, as

well as the experts and politicians, in

the overall plan. (35)

PETERS AND ANDERSON’S PROPOSED

POLICY IS BEST, GIVEN ITS INPUT

FROM CONSTITUENTS. (12)

TRANSITIONING TOPIC SENTENCE

Transitional words or phrases in your paragraph’s topic sentence help your reader see the progression of your logic.

. . . And yet, Mahoney et al. (2003)

recognize that religious sanctification may

not always be positive. It is possible that

religion could serve as a source of conflict

(rather than cohesion) in some families, such

as those where spouses do not share the

same faith commitments (Mahoney, 2005).

Regardless of the precise ways in which

religion sanctifies family relationships,

American households have ample access

to the resources that faith communities

provide. Ninety-five percent of married

couples and parents in the United States

claim a religious affiliation . . .

. . . Over the next 200 years,

according to Zilboorg (1941),

thousands of people were put to

death, and as late as 1692 in

America, nearly 100 were

accused and 19 executed at the

Salem witch trials.

Reformers in the church,

however, eventually brought

an end to these persecutions.

William Tuke, a devout Quaker,

established the York Retreat in

England in the early 1800s . . .

LOWER ORDER CONCERNS:

Comma splices – Social and cultural approaches to the child soldier problem contribute much to our understanding of the phenomenon, the most effective response to the problem is economic, as Andvig and Gates assert in “Recruiting Children for Armed Conflict” (2007).

Comma splices – Social and cultural approaches to the child soldier problem contribute much to our understanding of the phenomenon. The most effective response to the problem is economic . . .

Fragments –We can see the power of Andvig’s arguments. Contrasting Andvig et

al’s economic approach with Blattman’s focus on international covenants, Dallaire’s

cultural emphasis, and Carpenter’s concern with political advocacy.

Fragments –We can see the power of Andvig’s arguments by contrasting Andvig

et al’s economic approach with Blattman’s focus …

Pronoun disagreements – Social and

cultural approaches to the child

soldier problem contribute much to

our understanding of the

phenomenon, but this is not the most

effective response to the problem.

Parallelism – I will draw a contrast

between the economic approach and

Blattman’s focus on international

covenants, exploring Dallaire’s cultural

emphasis, and Carpenter’s concern with

political advocacy.

Passive voice –To resolve the complex

problem of child soldiers in warfare

requires consideration of several

factors.

Pronoun disagreements – Social and

cultural approaches to the child soldier

problem contribute much to our

understanding of the phenomenon, but

these approaches are not the most

effective response to the problem.

Parallelism – I will draw contrasts

between an economic approach,

Blattman’s focus on international

covenants, Dallaire’s cultural emphasis,

and Carpenter’s concern with political

advocacy.

Passive voice –Policy makers must

consider several factors to resolve the

complex problem of child soldiers in

warfare.

Proofreading: the last step

• Are there typos, misspellings, or missing words?

• Are there mistakes from cutting and pasting?

• Is the documentation consistent?

• Are figures and tables formatted consistently?

Knowing when to stop, and

stepping back to gain perspective…

Satisfactory

product

Resources, other

obligations

Your writing ≠ you as a person• Aim for the latest word, not the last word.

• Writing reflects your knowledge and ideas at a specific point in time–and that’s enough.

• Set a specific goal for your revisions—a section or a certain number of comments at each sitting.

• Set a limited amount of time in which to revise.

• Remember that a draft will never be perfect, and that’s okay.

IF YOU WANT TO MAKE YOUR WRITING BETTER

THAN IT ALREADY IS, BOOK A WRITING CENTRE

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Phone: 613-533-6315

Email: academic.success@queensu.ca

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