MARRYING A WIDOWER

A COLLECTION OF Best Of ARTICLES FROM

MARRYING A WIDOWER

A STEPMOM'S GUIDE TO

...because even when it's good, it's complicated!

3 Haunted HousesWhen You Marry a WidowerBY WEDNESDAY MARTIN, PHD

7 The Motherless ChildWhat Full-Time Stepmothers Need to Know When Mom Is Gone BY LAURA PETHERBRIDGE

9 Mourning Their MomPrepping for Holidays, When No One Wants to Celebrate BY RACHELLE KATZ, LMFT

12 Married to a WidowerValuable Advice From Stepmoms Who’ve Been ThereBY CLAUDETTE CHENEVERT

19 Love Never DiesWays to Help Your Stepkids Love, Honor and Remember Their MotherBY TAMMY DAUGHTRY, MMFT

21 The Grief That Stole ChristmasAdvice for Navigating Sadness During the Holiday SeasonBY GAYLA GRACE

23 A Journey of HealingFinding the Way Back From Grief to HappinessBY NANCY DOMBEK

27 Stepmothering & the Grieving ChildOur Interview With Diane Ingram FrommeBY HEATHER HETCHLER, MA

32 Meet the Contributing Writers

PUBLISHER AND FOUNDERBrenda Ockun

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A Stepmom's Guide toMARRYING A WIDOWER

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Not long ago, I co-conducted a workshop for couples in repartnerships with children. One participant

(I’ll call her Julia) was notably silent, as the other women (and men) discussed the stresses—financial, emotional and to their marriages—of an undermining, angry ex. As

the couples in the room bonded over recalled incidents and shared strategies for managing the strain of an intrusive ex unreconciled to the repartnership, Julia’s reticence became even more obvious. Finally, she grimaced and said, “My hus-band’s first wife is dead. And I’m not sure if that makes the whole situa-

tion easier or harder than what all of you are going through.”

Her husband’s first wife had died of cancer, Julia explained, when the kids were teenagers. Their devas-tating loss was something Julia—who had a background in social work—respected and understood. So, she felt especially awkward,

HousesHaunted

When You Marry a

Widower

BY WEDNESDAY MARTIN, PHD

3

A STEPMOM'S GUIDE TO MARRYING A WIDOWER • © STEPMOM MAGAZINE • www.StepMomMagazine.com

she said, telling the group, “I can’t compete with a dead mother and I can’t take it anymore.”

The Odd Woman OutJulia felt like the odd woman out because, statistically, she is. In the U.S. today, step “families”—which I denote this way because not all of us feel like families and because resem-bling a first family is not a measure of stepfamily success—are formed by divorce about 90 percent of the time. Remarriage after the death of a spouse is much less frequently what brings widowers, their children and “the new wife” together. But, historically, remarriage with chil-dren was all about just that.

With a neatly gendered divi-sion of labor driving households throughout much of our history (men in the field, women at the hearth and sometimes also in the field or “manning” the family store), remarriage with children after the death of the spouses was not only a question of replacing a mother, but of keeping the house-hold economy—and the entire community—functioning.

At one point in the mid-1800s, historians of family life tell us, half of all children under the age of 12 had a stepmother, so high were maternal mortality rates and so urgent the need for “another mother.” With a segue to a

post-agrarian economy, and then a post-industrial one,

women entered the work-force; household compo-sition and dynamics changed, and so did marriage itself.

As did our perceptions of remarriage with children. While it was once lauded

as the right and responsible thing to do—in the best

interests of the children, the house-hold economy, the larger community and society in general—post-World War II and beyond, remarriage with children has come to be seen as an option, even an indulgence, rather than an obligation. And with the introduction of an ex-spouse, that additional player in the mix, remar-riage with children has become more complicated than ever before.

Competing With MemoriesJulia’s situation reminded me that remarriage with children has probably never been and likely will never be a simple matter. When she lamented that she couldn’t compete with a dead mother, she was refer-ring to a dynamic that is common in marriage with a widower with kids. Mom, understandably, may be remembered as all-loving and perfect, a kind of maternal saint, after her death. And since she is not there to release a child or adult child from a loyalty bind, those kids of any age may feel it is a betrayal of mom’s very memory to love or even like their dad’s wife. In addition, when dad does remarry, it may well activate a sense of grief and loss that is almost unendurably intense.

In Julia’s case, the kids, in their early 20s, were supportive of their dad’s relationship with Julia—to a point: “There was a real showdown and a lot of unhappiness on the wedding day,” Julia told me later. Her husband’s 23-year-old daughter sobbed through the whole ceremony and afterward his sons (also in their 20s) did not want to speak to their dad and stepmom. “My husband spent our honeymoon basically begging for their forgiveness,” Julia told us. Sympathetic and loving, Julia also was understandably upset and resentful that this special day and her memory of it was freighted

Mom, understandably,

may be remembered as

all-loving and perfect, a

kind of maternal saint,

after her death .... In

addition, when dad does

remarry, it may well

activate a sense of grief

and loss that is almost

unendurably intense.

4


with loss—and acting out.When she moved into her

husband’s home, there were more skirmishes and misunderstandings ahead. Julia’s husband wanted her to make her mark on the place, getting right into the open that, “This isn’t a mausoleum; it is our home and we have to make it ours.” Julia, however, felt very tentative about “mixing it up” emotionally for her adult stepchildren. She was afraid they would be devastated if she got rid of, or even moved, things laden with memory and significance for them. “So, my home started to feel like a prison almost,” she explained. “I felt so hemmed in—by the past, by their feelings, by their mother’s presence—that part of me just wanted to bolt back to my own place and stay there.”

Eventually, Julia did redeco-rate—and, in spite of her husband’s full support of the refurbishing, there were fireworks and tears. I explained to Julia that it wasn’t how she did it; it was the change itself that was upsetting for her stepkids. Had she left everything exactly the same way—every knick knack, painting and object imbued

with memory and significance—the kids still would have found some-thing she did wrong. For she was the living, breathing reminder that mom was truly and forever gone.

Julia’s stepdaughter actually made the first gesture toward getting things on a healthy footing, Julia told me weeks later in an email, by telling Julia she was glad her father had someone to take care of him and love him like her mom had. “It’s just hard,” the young woman explained to Julia. “Because every time I see you together, I am seeing the outline of my mother next to you.”

From Resentment to UnderstandingIn time, I told Julia, her step-daughter might actually be able to live with those two realities—loving her mother who was gone and appreciating her stepmother who was there—without seeing a ghost in the picture. In the meantime, the bond between Julia and her husband was of great concern to me.

Researchers know that men may “rush” to remarry after the death of a spouse—perhaps, in part, because men tend to not have the same strong social support nets that women do. While this wasn’t true in the case of Julia’s husband, I recommended they have some talks with a professional about Julia’s sense of being “tacked on” to the family, to the home and to her husband’s life. It is crucial for those women married to widowers with kids to understand that, while they didn’t come first and while they may represent the end of some-thing to their stepchildren, the feelings of all players in the system must matter and be considered. Including the stepmother’s.

Julia did not expect that anyone would ever acknowledge the

Had she left everything

exactly the same way—

every knick knack,

painting and object

imbued with memory and

significance—the kids

still would have found

something she did wrong.

5


difficulty of her own situation in a remarriage to a widower—she herself considered her situation and feelings “less important” than the losses her husband and adult step-children had experienced. And this made her tremendously resentful and sad. By refocusing on not only the feelings of others but also her own feelings, and the sooner the better, Julia would be able to trans-form her resentment into under-standing and compassion—not just for others but for herself.

All remarriages with children are built on a foundation that includes loss. When a parent and

spouse has died, that loss is even more magnified. Considering the emotional needs of both partners in the remarriage with children is the foundation of future success, and happily Julia and her husband were able to find a therapist with years of experience treating couples who remarried after the death of a spouse. Such therapy can be a revelation, teaching couples a new language for talking about things that they previously felt were off-limits or written in stone.

This was the case for Julia and her husband. In particular, Julia learned that she could actu-

ally tell her husband that it was hard to feel she was competing with a mother who had passed away and been “canonized” in the family’s memory. This opened up a dialogue for the couple on a topic Julia had felt was verboten, decreasing her resentment and nurturing the feelings of connec-tion between husband and wife.

I was pleased to hear from Julia lately that her stepson is marrying a divorced woman with children … and reaching out to her for advice. O

Easing the TransitionWhile remarriage with children after the death of a spouse is in many ways different from remarriage post

divorce, the research suggests that there are a number of things couples can do to help ease the transition and

strengthen their partnerships.

⊲ Let the kids of any age know

that you respect their relation-

ship to their mother, whether

she is alive or has died. Signaling

that you understand there is only

one mom, and that you have no

intention of replacing her, can set

a child or adult child immeasur-

ably at ease and even loosen a

loyalty bind.

⊲ Impractical as it may seem,

consider moving into a home

of your own together. “Haunted

House Syndrome,” as I call it,

is a very real phenomenon in

repartnership with children as

the home is full of memories

and significance. Many couples

mistakenly believe it will “dev-

astate” their kids or adult kids to

leave this place. However, many

couples therapists recommend

it, recognizing the value for both

the couple and the kids of any

age when the couple builds a

life together from the ground up.

Julia, like so many living in an

emotionally haunted house, felt

like a visitor for years and this

was detrimental to her marriage

and to her relationship with her

husband’s kids.

⊲ Don’t compete with a fantasy—

it’s a setup. Children of any age

idealize a mother who has died,

and husbands may do the same

after their wives pass away.

Remember that this is all they

have left. You obviously can’t

and shouldn’t disabuse them of

these memories even if you feel

they’re not accurate, which sets

you up as the Bad Guy; simply

saying, “You must miss her,”

allows you to be empathic and

respectful without diminishing

your own role or importance in

their lives.

6


The Motherless ChildWhat Full-Time Stepmothers Need to Know When Mom Is Gone

BY LAURA PETHERBRIDGE

Why doesn’t my mother love me? Why doesn’t she want to see me? These are common cries from a motherless, hurting child.

For a variety of reasons, the number of full-time stepmoms has significantly increased over the years. The most common causes for mom’s absence in the family photo are that she is:

K Coping with a mental illness and unable to care for a child

K Battling an addiction, moving in and out of rehabilitation

K Selfishly chasing her dreams and trying to find herself

K Choosing life with a soul mate instead of her children

K Living with a physical illness that prevents her from parenting

K Deceased

Regardless of the reason, life as a full-time stepmom can seem like a maze of benefits and vulnerabilities.

Knowing what to say and how to comfort the stepchild whose mom is gone can seem painfully daunting at times, if not impossible. One stepmom shared, “I was crying as hard as my stepdaughter was. I could barely talk. And I realized that watching her weep, and relating to her pain, uncovered the wounds hidden inside of me. I was grieving right along with her over the hurts of my own childhood.”

It’s normal to grieve with a stepchild. It shows you care. If you’re one of the many full-time stepmoms, here are a few tips to help guide you on your journey:

K BE A REALIST. A stepchild, especially if young, may quickly embrace a daily stepmom. However, that doesn’t mean the child isn’t still longing and hoping for mom to return. Parents and children share a unique, unex-plainable bond. Keeping this attachment in mind will help when or if the child appears standoffish, depressed or cantankerous.

VANTAGE POINT | STEPMOM PERSPECTIVES

7


K BECOME EDUCATED. Reading books and attending workshops regarding children and loss can provide a stepmom with great information about how children cope when a parent is gone. Even if only half the content pertains to your situation, you’ll obtain insight and skills on how to help the child. Often, these resources offer practical steps you can take to help the child grieve. In addition, consider looking into professional counseling should that be needed.

K GUARD YOUR HEART. If mom is still alive, be prepared that she may re-enter the child’s life at some point. She may stay away for a few years, and then reappear desiring to re-establish a relationship with her child again. Begin to think through how you will handle the anger, frustration and fear that will automatically arise should this situation occur. As the child’s care-taker, be aware that after the mother appears the child may reject you. A child who fears that a good relationship with a stepparent will displease or anger mom may drop you in order to gain her approval.

K LEARN WHAT TO DO WITH THE ANGER.

It’s likely you will hear yourself mutter, “How could a mother do this to her child?” It’s important for the stepmom to have a safe place to vent her rage and weariness with another adult. The ideal solution is to attend a stepmom support group where you can share your concerns with women who understand. Your husband can help, but he may be so furious with his ex-spouse that the two of you will fuel each other’s fire. A team of stepmoms who can encourage and pray with you, if that's a priority, is a great way to release the tension, feel heard and find the comfort needed.

K THEY WANT DAD. Yes, you may be the one staying up all night when your stepchild is sick, holding the little head as they puke. And when that same child is 30 and holding a sick child of their own, they will appreciate you for it. But right now, what they want to know is,

“Where’s dad?” This stems from the need for reassurance that the remaining parent sees them. One stepmom shared, “My husband and I took his daughter to the park. Even though I’m the one who is with her all day, she kept looking over to make sure daddy was watching. I felt hurt. Why didn’t she look to me for recognition, too?”

The answer is this: When dad praises an A on the report card, attends the dance recital or watches them on the swing, children receive comfort because it is their parent. But don’t lose heart. They do monitor and take note of a stepmom’s acts of kindness. I’m amazed at the little things I did for my stepsons that they remember now as adults. This reveals that children see the efforts a stepmom makes, whether we think they do or not.

K IT’S NOT YOU! Even after months, maybe years, of full-time helping with homework, wiping snotty noses and attending soccer games, recognize that your stepchild may still have wounds over the loss of mom. Hurt people have a tendency to hurt other people. For a season, the stepmom may be the easy target for the arrows of that pain. Understand that you could be the Mother Teresa of step-moms and the child might still reject your love.

The full-time stepmom has huge respon-sibilities and challenges. However, she also has the ability to create a bond with the child, attend school events and parent-teacher conferences, create special memories and family traditions and learn the child’s nature and personality traits much more easily than a part-time stepmom does. It all takes time. ■


8


Mourning Their MomPrepping for Holidays, When No One Wants to Celebrate

BY RACHELLE KATZ, LMFT

Five years ago, my husband’s first wife died of cancer just before the Christmas holidays. For the first three years after she died, he and his two adult children skipped celebrating Christ-mas altogether; they were too sad. I met him three years ago and spent the first two holi-days visiting my sister’s family. They live 3,000 miles away.

My husband and I married a year and a half ago. Last Christmas was the first holiday I spent with my new family. I hosted a Christmas Eve dinner that included my stepchildren and one of my husband’s cousins. None of my fam-ily was able to attend. It was the most depress-ing meal ever. No one spoke. I tried to initiate topics of conversation but no one—not even my husband’s cousin—would respond. The silence was deafening.

I understand the pain of losing a family member better than many stepmothers. My first husband died, in a motorcycle accident, when he was 29 and both of my parents are now dead. I feel terrible for my stepchildren’s loss and understand that Christmas will be indelibly tied to their mother’s death. My step-children, however, weren’t the only morose people at the dinner table.

My husband seemed sad and withdrew into a shell, barely acknowledging my presence. That hurt me the most. Here’s my question. The holidays are quickly approaching. I can’t

participate in another meal like last year’s. I never felt so alone in my entire life. Nor do I want to work so hard at preparing the meal without receiving a single thank you for my efforts.

Do I need to be a good sport and make another holiday meal? Do I suggest we order-in pizza and watch movies? Or do I visit my sister and let my husband and stepchildren mourn their loss without me around?

What do you recommend?

Annie

Question

EXPERT ADVICE | THE THERAPIST IS IN

9


My hope, Annie, is that I can help you make a decision about what to do for the holidays.

When a stepmother joins a family, she wants to create new holiday traditions. The death of your husband’s first wife right before Christmas is preventing this from happening for you; at least, for now. Yet, a lot of stepmothers can relate to your pain—and not just those who marry a widower.

Many stepmothers who have full-time custody of their stepchildren complain that their holidays are ruined because the moms fail to call or to send their children gifts. Naturally the stepchil-dren are very disappointed by this and may act out their emotional pain by being sad, sullen or withdrawn.

These stepmothers end up frustrated after their efforts to create a warm and loving family experi-ence are spoiled by someone who has no idea how hard they tried nor cares about the misery they are causing. Preparing a holiday meal takes a lot of work. It is a shame your family wasn’t able to enjoy or appreciate your efforts.

This doesn’t have to happen again. You have an advantage. Your stepchildren are adults. They are old enough for you to ask them how they prefer to spend the upcoming holiday. You can begin the conversation by telling them that you recognized that last year was difficult for everyone and that you don’t want to repeat this pattern.

Tell them you understand that they feel sad about their mother’s death and that you want to be sensitive to their needs. So, how do they want to celebrate Christmas? Let them decide what to do. If they don’t have any suggestions, here are a few which may improve the holiday mood:

K Extend the invite. Invite friends or neighbors over for dinner. You know the expression: “The more, the merrier!” Having others around may distract your stepchildren from feeling sad.

K Celebrate elsewhere. Alternatively, ask a friend or neighbor to invite your family to their holiday meal. Your stepchildren may be more open to engaging in conversation at someone else’s home.

Answer


10


By giving your stepchildren and husband a choice in

how they want to celebrate ..., you increase the

likelihood that it will be a happier (occasion) ...

K Get them involved. If your stepchildren cook, get them to make one dish each. The more involved they are in meal preparation the more likely it is they’ll have something to talk about during the meal.

K Cater the entire meal. The less you do, the less resentment you will feel. The shift in responsibility will also help lift any burden you may feel over ensuring that your family members enjoy themselves.

K Help someone else. Volunteer, as a family, at a church or homeless shelter. Helping others is an effective way to relieve sadness.

K Think long-term. Skip the holiday meal entirely this year. Your suggestion of eating pizza and watching movies may be a good substitute. Next year, you can see how everyone feels and then begin a new family tradition. Traditions can begin at any time—not just at the beginning of a marriage.

More importantly, have you had a discussion with your husband? Does he know you were hurt by his withdrawal at Christmas Eve dinner last year? Please share with him that, even though you understand his sadness, he wasn’t treating you fairly by withdrawing into his shell. This is an example where being in a relationship takes work.

Yes, he felt sad, but he still had a responsibility to you. One aspect of that was to stay emotionally-connected. In the future, he needs to consider your feelings, as well as his own. Partners make sacrifices for each other. You can tell him you considered visiting your sister’s family for the holi-days but realized that he might feel abandoned. So, you scrapped the idea for his benefit.

I am sure your husband wasn’t aware that he was hurting you, when he withdrew from you on Christmas Eve. It wouldn’t take much to prevent this from happening again; a little conversa-tion with you, during the holiday meal, would go a long way in helping you get through it. If he doesn’t think he’s capable of doing this, ask him how he would like to spend the holidays.

Then make a joint decision. By giving your stepchildren and husband a choice in how they want to celebrate Christmas, you increase the like-lihood that it will be a happier occasion than last year. It’s only natural that, when we have a choice, we go into an experience with a better frame of mind.

Happy Holidays—to you and your family!

Rachelle


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12

APRIL 2016 • © STEPMOM MAGAZINE

Stepfamilies are not created equally. We know this from reading one another’s forum posts, seeking out blogs and listening to one anoth-

er’s stories. The challenges we face are as complex as our families themselves.

One type of stepfamily dynamic we don’t seem to talk or hear enough about is being married to a former widower. According to The Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory, which is a ranking of events and their impact on our ability to readjust socially, the death of a spouse holds the No. 1 spot as a stressor in people’s lives.

Valuable Advice From Stepmoms Who’ve Been There

WidowerBY CLAUDETTE CHENEVERT

Marriedto a

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Grieving the loss of a loved one is an individual process. For some, it’s brief and uneventful. For others, it’s long and arduous. Children grieve differently from their parents and that is influenced by the relationship they had with the parent who died. It’s understandable, then, that our stepchildren may react differently to us—as new parental figures—than we or our partners might expect them to.

One of my first coaching clients had come to me with issues that involved a spoiled, princess-like stepdaughter. This woman’s husband worshiped every move his daughter made. The girl could do no wrong. He’d lost his wife to a long battle with cancer and felt guilty over what he characterized as not having been more supportive of his wife while she was dying.

Many of the issues this stepmom was dealing with at the time were related to the fact that neither her husband nor her stepdaughter had fully grieved the loss of their wife/mother before re-entering a new relationship with her.

Yet, marrying a widower comes with several unique challenges. They can include:

K A partner who’s guilt ridden

K Stepchildren who are still grieving

K A false, saintly image of the lost parent

K A home you didn’t get to choose or design (but now live in)

K The opinions of extended family and friends

A partner who’s guilt-ridden over not having been fully present to his former partner while she was dying may have a hard time letting go of those feelings. Grieving stepchil-dren are unsure of how or whether

they should love you (as a potential parental figure), especially seeing as the lost parent is often cast in an image that’s close to sainthood, which is hard to compete with.

And then there’s the challenge of living in a home you didn’t choose, design or decorate. To be sure, it contains plenty of memorabilia that serves as a continual reminder of their mom. Finally, you may endure a long list of opinions and comments offered up by extended family and friends. At times, their goal is to inform you or others that their mom wouldn’t necessarily like the changes.

Marrying a widower also means that you may become a full-time stepmom. In other words, if the kids are younger, they won’t be going to their mom’s for the weekend or live with you only occasionally. They’ll likely be with their dad—and you—24/7. The void their mom left is ever-present in this stepfamily dynamic, making it difficult for step-moms to find their rightful place.

Are you married to a widower? Do you wish we had some advice for you? Well, we do!

I recently asked several step-moms who are in that same situa-tion to share their insights with us. In their own words, which appear below, each of them will tell you a little bit about:

K What it’s really like being married to a widower

K What it’s like to parent stepchildren after a loss

K What unique challenges they and their families face

K What it feels like to live in the shadow of a lost mom

K What one piece of advice they think you can benefit from

As you’ll see, their stories are quite different from those we most often hear.

Marrying a widower is not the same as coming into a stepfamily where the mom is still alive, whether she’s actively involved in her children’s lives or not. As one stepmom partnered with a widower shared with me, theirs is a non-comparable journey. (Note: This is a woman who has expe-rienced both being married to a divorced dad and being married to a widower.)

SarahMARRIED 9 YEARS

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA

Being married to David is amazing and the best decision of my life. The boys and the subsequent girl we have had together have been so rewarding and have filled my life with more love than I could imagine. Yet, being a stepmom married to a former widower is a

Marrying a widower also means that you

become a full-time stepmom. In other words,

... they won’t be going to their mom’s for the

weekend or live with you only occasionally.

13


very lonely road.There is little support and

there are few in your situation. The challenges you face and the things you experience are unique and very different from what a stepmom usually experiences. I joined many forums, trying to find help and support. I found, though, that stepmom forums addressed important but different issues from what I faced.

There are no birth moms to battle with, visitation issues, child support and so on. My issues were more around supporting a child who is grieving; who has guilt over loving you/you loving them; who thinks their birth mom was perfect; and that she would never say, “No,” put restrictions on them or limit their freedom—especially as the teenaged years loom.

Even if my husband made it really clear to them that their mom wasn’t perfect, in many ways it was important to allow them to remember her however they wanted to. I found it lonely and difficult to give my everything to these beau-tiful children who loved and needed me, yet feel resentment from others for even existing.

I knew in my head that the way they felt had nothing to do with me personally. I could be anyone, but this is what I represented: that she was gone, that my husband had found happiness again and that the kids were happy again, too. That compounded people’s grief and that was sad to witness.

People who don’t know me, my family or my husband still make comments that hurt, not meaning harm. Comments such as:

K “How do you live up to an angel?”

K “A real mum is never replaceable.”

K “How do you feel about being second best?”

K “I’d be so upset if my husband moved on like that.”

I’m am so grateful that my husband is amazing and never ever made me feel these things. He is my sanctuary when things are difficult. I’ve also been blessed that the boys welcomed me with open arms and open hearts. They missed having a mother figure and I never ever tried to replace her. Rather, I found my own place in their hearts.

The boys’ mother is a huge part of our family. I often say to people that it’s like grandparents: You can have more than one and it doesn’t make you love the other ones less. As a family, I think we do that really well. I also think it’s hard that you will love them 100 percent as your own and give them every-thing. Yet you will only ever be recognized by society as a stepmom along with all the negative associa-tions that go with it.

But I don’t need external valida-tion, even though it is something everyone enjoys. My husband loves

and supports me. Our children are happy, healthy and well-adjusted.

That is reward enough.

Sarah’s advice: Make sure your relationship with your husband is rock solid and that you love him 200 percent because the journey is really rough. Realize you are marrying him and his chil-dren. So, in my case, five people. David said he was looking for a wife and not a nanny—that I could take as much, or as little, of a role in the children’s lives as I wished. Whilst that was a beautiful senti-ment, I honestly don’t think that would work.

You need to embrace and love the children. You need to decide to be a family. All in. The children have had enough loss and deserve nothing less. If you don’t think you can do that, don’t do it. It will end up in heartache for all. However, if you commit to them all and give your everything, you will be rewarded in spades.

It’s not an easy road and it’s not for everyone, but I wouldn’t change a thing.

“ I’ve also been blessed that the boys welcomed

me with open arms and open hearts.

They missed having a mother figure and

I never ever tried to replace her. Rather,

I found my own place in their hearts.”

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JuanitaMARRIED 9 YEARS

KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE

Being married to a former widower is indeed a whole different ball game than marrying a divorced man. No one ever speaks ill of the dead, so from Day One we have this unrealistic idea of the late wife in our minds to which we will never measure up. In my situation, I did not know her—or them—previously.

Our biggest challenge has been his late wife’s family.

They really are wonderful people and have treated me like their very own from Day One. But their iden-tity is the couple who had a daughter who died from cancer. They have limited the depths of the relation-ships between the kids and me.

They more or less concentrated on the, “She will cook for you, wash your clothes, take care of you …,” parts of being a stepmom more than the, “She will love you, mother you, kiss your boo-boos …. Oh, and daddy and she love each other very much.”

The kids call me by my first name and never have called me Mom, although I have been told they refer to me as Mom at school and to friends, etc. For some reason, I felt some of that would change when I adopted them. But it didn’t. We sat

down with them before we pursued adoption and explained to them that I was not in place of the late wife, but more like “in addition to.”

We even showed them the new birth certificates, when they arrived, with my name on them. This surprised me, as well. (I didn’t know they did that.) Nothing changed. They don’t want a living, breathing mother. Playing the my-mom-died card gets them so much more. Not in our home—it never has.

It has always been important to my husband to give them normal or at least as close to normal as one can get in this situation. But they have played it everywhere else to the point where we changed schools and churches.

We have told them for years that someday they would have to break out of this 10-mile radius we live in. No one would know their situation and, frankly, no one would care what happened when they were little. The two who are in high school have started experiencing just that.

The late wife was my polar oppo-site. We could not be more different. I have dealt with criticisms from so-called friends who were once her friends and then claimed to be mine: for remodeling and expanding our home to fit our growing family and for making decisions concerning the

kids (my kids, now) which late wife would not have approved.

In the beginning, it was a bit intimidating and confusing. It was hard not to feel lost. When we married, I relocated to her town, her house, her church, her kids. I felt as though every time we walked through the doors at church those folks didn’t see Juanita and _____. They instead saw Juanita and Carrie’s husband.

Respecting the dead crossed the line of disrespecting the living.

Then I got pregnant with our daughter. Oh, my goodness. It was scandalous! I was 42. Why, the nerve of me! I was too old! Thank God for that baby girl. She is the glue that holds us all together. They all love her and have never shown one single second of jealousy. The late wife’s parents treat her exactly the same as the others.

I have been with these kids longer than they were with my husband’s late wife. I have raised them. I see my influences on them. I am proud of them and there are things about them I will never understand. But I can say the same things about our daughter and my two biological sons.

The thing that gets to me the most, I guess, is feeling excluded. Sometimes I feel displaced in my own home by one of our daugh-ters, who seems to make a point of getting between my husband and me as much as possible. It makes me feel like I have to compete for his attention, which I refuse to do. But it still makes me feel left out.

It’s almost like she is a mini wife. They discuss and plan things I don’t know about until it’s happening or going on already. She manipulates my husband and her grandfather. Neither

“ The late wife was my polar opposite. We

could not be more different. I have dealt

with criticisms ... for making decisions

concerning the kids (my kids, now) which

late wife would not have approved.”

15


one of them sees it. In fact, they get mad if you point it out—but she is the obvious favorite with both of them.

That’s not a widower-exclusive problem. That’s teenage girls across the board. I will say she seems to think her life would be absolutely perfect, she would get everything she wants and she would not be expected to do chores or anything else she didn’t want to, if her mother was alive.

Juanita’s advice:Children—all of them—are a chal-lenge at some point.

We just have to love them, help them and, sadly sometimes, step back and let them make a mistake we can see clearly coming and be there to help them get up and brush the dirt off. There are many things I wish were different about my relationships with my three adopted children, but it’s all things I cannot make happen—it will have to come from them. Only time will tell.

JulieMARRIED 7 YEARS

HAGERSTOWN, INDIANA

Marrying a widower means being a full-time mother to your new husband’s young children and a very active stepmom to his older children, especially those living at home. Choosing to not be active in their lives would mean leaving your husband to parent them alone, which is impossible when they live with you and you hope to maintain some kind of control over what takes place in your new home.

Because the children don’t have to spend every other weekend or several weeks of the year with

another parent, as they do in a divorce situation, a wife of a former widower (whether by default or by choice) shares in the care and responsibility for them 24 hours a day, seven days a week and 52 weeks a year—unless a family member or friends offer to provide breaks.

Ideally a biological mother’s family will offer to have them spend the night. That was not the case for me.

The children’s adjustment to having a new woman in their lives can be difficult and stressful for everyone involved. The children and stepmom have to adjust to house-hold rules that may differ greatly from what they are used to. They must learn to share the father’s/husband’s time and energies. On the other hand, you don’t have a biolog-ical mom to contend with regarding shared care, which I know is stressful for stepmoms in divorce situations. And there are no custody battles.

A widowed father is often very protective of his children. Since they recently experienced one of the worse things a child can experi-ence—the death of a parent—he wants to provide them with extra special care and somehow try to make up for their loss the best he can. He can be very sensitive to any criticisms of his children by anyone, including his new wife, because it’s

a direct criticism of his parenting and that’s something he had to do mostly on his own.

Sometimes, at first, it’s difficult for the newly-married, former widower to accept parenting help from his new wife (especially when their parenting styles differ). Children can pick up on this conflict and sometimes learn to manipulate both parents with it. Newly married widowers often choose to live in the home they shared with their late wife in order to ease their kids’ adjust-ment to life without their mother.

This often means that, when you marry a widower, you live in a house they built or bought together and with furniture and decor they bought together. It’s sometimes difficult to balance your desire to create a home in your image—one that reflects your tastes (rather than those of his first wife)—with the desire to preserve memories and reduce stress for your new stepchildren.

Little things like painting a bathroom a new color or moving a picture can create uncomfort-able feelings for the children. The late wife’s friends or family can have difficulty with changes in the home, too. Even if they don’t have difficulty with the changes, it’s often mentioned: “She hated that color,” “She would approve of your choice,”

“ Little things like painting a bathroom a

new color or moving a picture can create

uncomfortable feelings for the children.

The late wife’s friends or family can have

difficulty with changes in the home, too.”

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or “What did you do with ...?” Marrying a widower means

constantly being aware that the only reason you are with him is because someone died. When people divorce, they want to wipe out the memory of their mistake. Rightly so, widowers and their children want to preserve their wife’s/mother’s memory, which is often a saintly memory.

A new wife of a former widower, especially one with children, will have to make peace with helping to preserve those memories—even when it makes her feel like second choice or second place. Mother’s Day, proms, birthdays and wedding days are very sad days and not days on which to celebrate your status as their stepmother.

Even if the kids love you and are glad you’re in their lives, you are a constant reminder that their mother is gone. Christmas is a sad day because their mother is not there, sitting where you are sitting, helping them hang the decorations they always hung. It’s a difficult time for new stepmoms who choose to use the family’s existing decorations. To open a box and pull out ornaments you know had special meaning to her, you think about your own children losing you and of having a stranger handle your Christmas decorations.

One of the most difficult things for me was seeing my husband’s name on his late wife’s grave-stone—any gravestone, actually. Of course, he should be buried with her. They had children together and were married for over 20 years. But it’s difficult to be reminded of the reality that he will die and to have an in-your-face reminder that spouses die and that you won’t be buried with him when you do.

And God forbid you die first,

causing him to watch another spouse die!

Julie’s advice:Don’t overestimate your ability to adjust to and handle the special circumstances of being married to a widower—no matter how strong you think you are—especially without the support of a counselor.

If you romanticize your relation-ship with him or his children and are unrealistic about how diffi-

cult it will be to maintain healthy emotional and physical boundaries with all family members and family friends (both his and the late wife’s), you will become overwhelmed, exhausted and resentful.

DeanneMARRIED 5 YEARS

PITTSBURGH,

PENNSYLVANIA

Being a stepmom to a former widower’s children may seem like a challenge, but my husband’s kids craved a mom. And I was happy to fill the void. My husband’s girls were so little when their mom died

(5 and 7) that they barely remember her. I tried to fill that void for them.

Loving your widower is not suffi-cient. In my opinion, if you will be raising your stepchildren, they need to know you love them as your own. If you can’t do that, for whatever reason, then I believe it’s best to just back out. Your commitment needs to be to your husband and his kids. I have two adopted children, who were formerly my stepchildren, and two biological children from my first marriage.

When people ask, I tell them I don’t remember which were adopted.

If you are not prepared to raise his kids and love them as your own, then back out and spare everyone the suffering. The kids need you and, if you are going to love their dad, you need to love them as your own. It is more than lip service. It is a full commitment to these kids. I feel so strongly about this. They may not forget their mom, but they still need to know that you would give your life for them.

My girls know this!

Deanne’s advice:This is my advice to any new stepmoms of young kids who are widowers’ kids: Love them as your own. Fake it until you make it! You were brought into their lives for a reason. You have a higher purpose than tending to the day-to-day conflicts.

JenniferMARRIED 4 YEARS

WASHINGTON STATE

Honestly, this is the hardest thing I have ever done. Stepparenting is complicated enough. When your

“ Even if the kids love

you and are glad

you’re in their lives,

you are a constant

reminder that their

mother is gone.”

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very presence reminds everyone who is missing, it can be even harder. Of course, we have the typical teenage behaviors. Typical stepparenting issues.

But there is always another layer of the dead parent that can be hard and emotional.

One thing about marrying a widower is that he and all of the other family members miss the dead person. And they will tell you about that, in one way or another. Unlike a divorce, which can create a lot of animosity, the person who is dead left too soon.

They are often looked upon as having been perfect by everyone who misses them. Then you have to fill those shoes. But don’t try to fill anyone’s shoes. Be yourself. Create your lives. Create your own memories.

Time and honest, painful conver-

sations with my wife have made things easier.

Jennifer’s advice:Take things slowly. Try even harder not to take things personally but be yourself. There will be times when the dead parent is missed by the kids, your spouse and their other family members. That is not about you.

KendraMARRIED 2 YEARS

MOORESBORO,

NORTH CAROLINA

Being a woman married to a widower raises lots of endless situations to avoid and others to embrace. Our family blended two years ago and it’s such an honor to raise our children together. It is hard to explain to anyone who has never experienced the private struggles and celebrations which families joining from the loss of a parent experience.

It’s filled with tough realities. But it offers exceptional growth oppor-

tunities, which we work on—as a family—as they arise. It’s fun, eventful and never boring! No matter the type of stepfamily you create, there will always be ups and downs. Good times and challenging times.

Losing a spouse and/or parent takes time to deal with. I don’t think we can say that we ever get over the loss of someone. We simply learn to deal with the emotions in different ways.

Kendra’s advice:Give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling! Embrace all situa-tions as a couple and never try to be anything more than who God asked you to be. Build a strong relation-ship between both spouses and put up protective boundaries which allow your family to deal with its growing pains and the reality of life.

Do you have your own advice to share with other stepmoms in this unique situation? Visit

the StepMomMagazine.com forum and post your comments publicly. O

“They are often

looked upon as

having been perfect

by everyone who

misses them ....

But don’t try to fill

anyone’s shoes. Be

yourself. Create your

lives. Create your

own memories.”

Loss and SupportFor stepmoms, in general, connecting with people who understand your

situation helps alleviate some of the stress. The stepmoms here share a

connection and a true sense for what it’s like to be partnered with a former

widower and, in one case, widow. They emphasize the need to talk with

their partners about their feelings of grief and/or guilt.

They address issues like overprotectiveness of the children on a regular

basis and demonstrate patience. They even make a point of getting out-

side help, as needed. If you’re married to someone who previously lost a

partner and has children who may also be grieving, find the help you need.

Gloria Lintermans has written several books the on topic of grief. They

include: “The Healing Power of Grief: The Journey Through Loss to Life

and Laughter,” “The Healing Power of Love: Transcending the Loss of a

Spouse to New Love” and “The Secrets to Stepfamily Success: Revolution-

ary Tools to Create a Blended Family of Support and Success.”

She dedicates an entire chapter, in “The Secrets …,” to the grieving

process and how it is unique within stepfamilies. If your partner is a for-

mer widower, put it on your reading list today.

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http://StepMomMagazine.com

Love Never DiesWays to Help Your Stepkids Love, Honor and Remember Their Mother

BY TAMMY DAUGHTRY, MMFT

On March 26, 2006, my step-kids awoke

to their normal Sunday routine. They brushed their teeth and got ready for church. Mom got them all out the door in a flurry. That after-noon, after a family lunch, everyone scattered around the home to do their own things. Two of the kids played in their rooms as the third headed off to softball practice. Dad took a little afternoon nap before their evening church service.

What none of the kids anticipated, or could have imagined, was that by nightfall their beau-tiful mother would be gone from their lives.

Diane and Jay were high school sweethearts who had built a 21-year marriage and a life of incredible family memories with their three chil-dren (Jaron, Jenna and Amanda). The week they lost her, Amanda—then a high school senior—had gone shopping with her mom to get just the right prom dress. Jenna, then 12, was playing softball and was excited to be part of a new community team.

Little Jaron, 8, was loving third grade and offered up exciting details every day when mom picked him up from school. What seemed like

a common Sunday afternoon turned tragic when Jay heard a knock on the door: “Diane has been in an accident,” the officer said. “It’s pretty bad. You need to come with me.”

Jay called a friend to come wait with their kids. He did his best to appear calm as he headed out the door. By 7 p.m. that evening the children were gathered in daddy’s lap at the hospital, being told the saddest two words a father could ever say to

his children: “She’s gone.”To this day, it is an unsolved mystery, but some-

thing happened when she was driving out of their subdivision that afternoon and her minivan ended up hitting a tree. The medics and doctors did all they could, both on-site and at the hospital, but were not able to revive her.

Jay still talks of that day as if it were yesterday. The deep sorrow lingers on. I see it in his eyes each year, as March 26 approaches. His is a grief that will sing her song forever.

My daughter and I married into this precious family three years after the kids’ mom had passed. I did all I could to honor her, speak of her and even include her photos in our wedding slide show and set them beside our wedding cake.

Their mom is part of the fabric of their beings


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and I would never want to confuse them or chal-lenge that. I admire the woman she was, and I see so many beautiful facets of her personality in her growing children. I have tried to be inten-tional about keeping photos of her in our home and mention her in our family prayers at each big holiday gathering.

We are five years into our stepfamily journey and I truly believe the more I encourage them to talk of their mother and to celebrate her, the more free my stepkids feel to bond with me. I sometimes don’t know the right words to say or the right questions to ask, but I do know they think of her often and that the hurt they feel inside won’t ever be completely gone.

The kids are all thriving, living full and enjoy-able lives. But in the night—in the quietest time of their days—I know they miss her. How could they not?

The following is a list of ingredients which, over the years, seem to have added up to a recipe of love and healing for my stepkids and our entire stepfamily:

K MOTHER’S DAY. I gave my stepkids framed photos for their bedside stands which picture each of them with their mom. Every year, when we have a Mother’s Day get-together, I mention her in our prayers or as we set the table because I know they are thinking of her and I want them to feel as if they always have my blessing to talk about and celebrate her.

K HER BIRTHDAY. I do my best to remember to call or text each of my stepkids and tell them I am thinking of them on their mother’s birthday.

K THROUGH CAKE. Diane was an incredible baker. Every birthday, she made each of her kids a themed birthday cake. They have so many wonderful photos of these cakes! Just recently, Jenna, 21, decided to make a Disney cake for my daughter, Angelia, 15. I was blown away by how beautiful it was. That passion for cooking and making special cakes is something Jenna got from her mom. I talked about it and pointed that out to her.

K THROUGH MUSIC. All of our children enjoy music, singing, writing and performing. My stepkids’ mom had musical talent as well. She and their dad actually met in high school choir.

Whenever I have the chance, I remind them of that. When they write songs about her and for her, I embrace them and enjoy them. With tissues in hand, of course!

K IN PHOTOS & SCRAPBOOKS. Diane, a Creative Memories rep who was intentional about archiving her family’s life, made more than 40 amazing albums of their story together which are more sacred than words can express. When Jay and I were dating—and in the early stages of our stepfamily—I would ask the kids to sit down and show me the albums, tell me their stories and encourage them to relive those precious child-hood experiences. We keep the albums in a very safe place. I often verbalize how important they are and renew my commitment to protect them and keep them accessible (rather than stored away) forever.

K VIA GRANDCHILDREN. Jenna has blessed us with our first grandson and there are many times I have told her that I’m sure her mom is very proud, smiling down from heaven every time she catches a glimpse of her little boy. I sincerely hope that Diane can see her grandkids and that she knows I make a point of loving her children, keeping her memories with them alive.

If your stepkids’ mother has also passed away, or is otherwise inaccessible to them, KidsHealth.org advises that “it’s important to

be sensitive to (that issue) and honor that person.” Depending on their ages, you may need to help your stepkids brainstorm ideas or create a list of ways they can honor her memory. And remember that your own stepfamily recipe needn’t mimic ours.

In fact, it should come from the heart and reflect the deep, personal bonds and experi-ences your stepkids shared with their mother. By teaching them that it’s healthy (and OK!) to maintain a connection with the woman who brought them into this world, you give them explicit permission to continue to love her—and the parts of themselves in which she is reflected.

As an added bonus, keeping your stepkids’ love for their mother alive also gives them more reason to love you! O


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The Grief That Stole ChristmasAdvice for Navigating Sadness During the Holiday Season

BY GAYLA GRACE

Laughter filled the house. Thankful to have my parents in town, we feasted on delicious food and good company. But then I noticed my teenage stepson’s

face. I knew he was having a hard day. Holidays would never be the same for him after losing his mother to cancer.

I imagined how he must feel. It didn’t seem fair. My parents were approaching 80 years old, and we enjoyed long days and rich company together. My stepson would never have those days with his mom again.

Not all holiday seasons are joyful. The year we learned my husband’s job would end after the first of the year was a tough season. I didn’t care about celebrating, and the expense of gift giving when our money supply was about to end created perpetual stress. I spent most of my time side-

stepping holiday cheer that year.Holidays have a way of resurrecting grief

from difficult happenings. If it’s the first holiday for your new stepfamily, you can expect that grief could dampen the season. You might be excited about your first set of holidays together,

but your stepchildren are grieving holidays spent together with mom and dad united. They won’t voice their grief, but their behavior will speak instead. When they see friends celebrating the joy of the season, their hearts flood with memories of how it used to be, reminding them of the changes they want to forget.

If you or your stepchild is grieving this holiday season, don’t deny those feel-ings. The first season following a loss or life-altering event will be particularly difficult. But that doesn’t mean

you must isolate yourself to make it through. Here are a few suggestions to help cope with the feelings that accompany difficult circumstances


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affecting the holiday season.

K GIVE YOU OR YOUR STEPCHILD PERMIS-

SION TO GRIEVE. Don’t act as if nothing’s happened and try to go along with the cele-bration of the season. Don’t expect your step-child to stuff his feelings and carry out normal traditions. Recognize that grief, with height-ened emotions and unpredictable behavior, will surround every aspect of holiday festivi-ties. Creating a new normal for the holidays takes time and will only happen after one has been allowed to grieve the old normal.

K OFFER GRACE FREELY. The first year after my stepson lost his mother in August, I anticipated a rocky holiday. But what I didn’t anticipate was how difficult the next year, and the next year, and the next would be. I learned to allow him the freedom to go along with family celebrations if he wanted to or retreat to his room when he needed. I didn’t take it personally when he chose to withdraw into himself or lash out on days I was espe-cially cheery. Offering him the gift of grace was the best gift anyone could give him.

K CHERISH THE GOOD DAYS: THERE WILL

BE GOOD DAYS AND BAD, HIGH TIMES AND

LOW. Embrace the good days and celebrate the season. Choose your favorite holiday festivity and make time to enjoy it. Don’t wait! You might not have many joy-filled moments but the ones you do have can help carry you through the hard ones. If you notice your stepchild having a good day, suggest a special activity or ask what he or she would like to do to celebrate the season. Don’t let the good days slip by without intentional effort toward a festive activity, even if it’s as simple as making holiday cookies.

K DON’T OVEREXTEND YOURSELF OR YOUR

STEPCHILD. Leave your options open so

you can attend the Christmas party or other celebration if you feel like it that day, or stay home without obligation. Be sensitive to whether your stepchild wants to participate when friends invite him over or ask him to join their party. Unstable emotions create tension-filled days that are best spent at home, surrounded by those you love.

K REMEMBER: THERE WILL BE BETTER DAYS

AHEAD. When you want to bury your head in your bed covers, remind yourself there’s hope for a new tomorrow. Hard times don’t last forever, and time helps heal our wounds. Look forward to fresh beginnings as a new year approaches.

It’s been nine years since my stepson and stepdaughter lost their mother to cancer. Although I know they still miss her, they

talk freely of her absence and memories of past holidays together. They no longer struggle to enjoy holidays in our blended family.

Difficult circumstances create hard times for us and our stepchildren that become magnified at the holidays. We may not always feel joyful during the season. But with the right attitude and resolve to make it through, we can seek to find joyful moments this holiday season that will carry us into a new year with new begin-nings and better days ahead. ■

For more holiday

advice, check out

“Unwrapping the Gift

of Stepfamily Peace,”

by Gayla Grace and

Heather Hetchler avail-

able on Amazon.com.


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Finding the Way Back

From Grief to Happiness

Early in our marriage, my husband, Bob, and I went to dinner with seven other couples who had unwit-

tingly paired up while grieving the deaths of their first spouses in a widows’/widowers’ support group in which he and I also met. All of us were still quietly and mildly grieving internally while simultane-ously adjusting to the unfamiliarity of new marriages, new homes and restored lives. While that was confusing enough, we were also

new at the stepparenting role. But during this dinner, to our disap-pointment, no one talked about these proverbial elephants in the room, the largest of which (I would soon discover) was the stepchildren.

To be blunt, Bob and I were very unhappy newlyweds, and we really needed someone who could empa-thize with us and help us navigate this new territory. Although we dated for two years before deciding to marry, we discovered only too soon after our vows were uttered

that our grief was still raw and we could not, and did not, replace our loss. While we knew that should not be our goal in remarriage, I’m here to testify that subconsciously it happens, or at least it happened to us. We wanted back what we had lost, and we had hoped to find it in each other. Instead, remarriage only served to reignite the grief that we thought was finally exorcised with our trek down the aisle. Instead of pulling us together, as our common grief had done in the support group,

BY NANCY DOMBEK

A Journey ofHealing

23


it pushed us into separate corners. Instead of feeling united, we each saw the other as an interloper in the lives we had previously built (and were still trying to dismantle) with another person. Instead of feeling romantic, we felt puzzled about what we’d gotten ourselves into.

We had hoped that our friends at this dinner could help us disarm the ghosts that haunted us and tame the marital blues that had overcome us. But instead, what we found was an ostensibly false and overcompen-sated expression of connubial bliss by all of the other couples. They giggled and leaned toward each other, had their arms placed around each other or held hands throughout the meal, trying vociferously to prove how much in love and out of grief they were. Bob and I must have been a conundrum to the others. We barely spoke to each other and sat without touching, like two lost souls still searching for that elusive soul mate we’d found in each other while dating and lost as soon as we got married.

That night, I dreamed that Bob and I were trapped inside the closet of the master bedroom of his house, where we were living. The doors would not open, and the closet began to fill with smoke. As he and I pounded on the doors asking for help from someone “out there,” we finally stopped pounding, turned and looked toward each other and said, “We’re going to have to find our own way out.”

I awakened pondering the meaning of this dream and felt it was an omen. We were going to have to sort out this predicament without the help of our widowed friends. Even if they were feeling what we were feeling, it was clear

they weren’t ready to share it. Now I felt even more alone than I had before that dinner. Not only were we the only May/December couple in the group, but we were also, as far as we could see, the only ones whose grief had resurfaced with remarriage. Moreover, I was the only childless stepparent in the group, so even Bob couldn’t under-stand the depth of my dilemma.

A Difficult BeginningThe feelings I experienced during that dinner were just a preamble to what would be the prevailing mood during the first several years of our marriage. How and why we have stayed together for 13 years is a topic for future discourse. What I want to share here are the feelings of anxiety that pervaded my entire being for the first 12 years, why they were so powerful and how under-standing them helped me overcome them so that I eventually rediscov-ered the love I felt for my husband long before I married him.

Early in our marriage, our home life became hostile. Suddenly all of the life-strengthening lessons I’d learned growing up in a family made dysfunctional by alcoholism were stripped away, leaving me vulnerable to the emotions of this new dynamic: stepfamilialism, as I came to reframe it. My life unwittingly became like that of a parasite, living off the approval—or

dying from the disapproval—of my stepdaughter. It seemed crucial to me to win her love so that my husband would keep loving me. I sensed immediately that the key to his heart was through her because he would go to any lengths to make and keep her happy, even if that meant making me miserable and siding with her as she disparaged me for no valid reason. Although I knew deep down this was an unhealthy beginning, I also didn’t know how to change it.

The nature of our relationship became strangled by triangulation: as his daughter talked to Bob about me, I talked to him about her and he talked to her about me. We fought—vicious fights—and frequently threatened each other with divorce, but neither of us wanted to be the first to make the move. I begged him to stop talking with his daughter about me and our problems, explaining how unhealthy it was for all of us. He countered that he was as confused about this remarriage thing as I was and, while I had my girlfriends to talk to, he had no one else but her. I tried calmly to explain that my friends were outside the problem (not embroiled in it) and that they had no tangible reason to hate him, while his daughter hated me simply because I was in the place her mother used to be and he was fueling that hatred by colluding with her. In essence, he joined her

I felt like someone who had come too close to a running machine and got my sleeve caught. It pulled me in, wouldn’t let me go and was killing me in the process.

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in her world of grief and emotion-ally betrayed me instead of honoring me as his wife. I felt like someone who had come too close to a running machine and got my sleeve caught. It pulled me in, wouldn’t let me go and was killing me in the process. In reality, I—weak and vulnerable in my own grief—had come too close to a family system that was still grieving a loss too large to redress with remarriage.

My friends encouraged me that with time things would get better, but none of them were living in the same circumstances. So, instead, with time, as I lived in the pain, I increasingly felt trapped, isolated, rejected, helpless, angry, lonely and frustrated. Our union was distorted with uncontrollable elements (his daughter’s influence), unfamiliarity (we initially lived in Bob’s home, complete with the specters of his late wife and fledging adult chil-dren) and my wild imagination. The abounding negativity in this family caused me to begin believing their lies about me. I ruthlessly compared our new life to Bob’s old life, coloring my previous life gray while painting his in confec-tions of perfection. I believed his late wife must have been perfect, if they missed her so much, and that I must be flawed, which is why I could not make them happy.

After our first year together, we sold Bob’s house and bought a new home. This was necessary for all of us to heal and to move on. But the novelty wore off quickly because nothing else changed. Whenever Bob’s daughter was around, I felt like a third wheel. It seemed I was outcast in my own new house, outnumbered by Bob and his daughter. Even though she did not

live with us, she outranked me on decisions about things we kept and things we discarded. They both had a need to keep their memories alive—memories I was not part of. And no one wanted to hear about my memories.

It began to feel like Bob and his daughter were the married couple and I was the interloper. I did not know who I was or what my role was. My very identity was in peril, and it had already undergone a metamorphosis when my first husband died. I felt completely unloved and insignificant in this new family. They didn’t feel like a family to me at all, but strangers persecuting me for a crime I did not commit. My new life was already imploding and I had just barely recovered from the destruction of my former life. To put it simply, my life felt like a disaster. I was suffering. I awoke each morning in a panic, shocked by the realization I had actually married this man and was now entwined in a dyad between him and my stepdaughter that made my life miserable. It all seemed so unfair.

The problem is, panic is not an adaptive behavior. It was clear that I was not adapting to my new life circumstances. Neither were Bob and his daughter. Loneliness was my prevailing mood, more

pronounced when I was with Bob and his daughter together than when I was alone. And having no children of my own gave me no allies against this nebulous foe. Something had to change.

Finding the Way BackThe antidote for my panic came from within as I slowly began to realize that I really wasn’t as trapped as I felt. I debated whether to leave or stay. I knew I needed to find the tools to reduce the isola-tion and helplessness I felt. Doing that would help me leave with grace or stay with my integrity intact. All of my feelings of panic—lack of control, unfamiliarity, suffering and unfairness—had to be mitigated, if not fully obliterated.

My first order of business was to finish my nursing degree, a long overdue personal goal interrupted by my late husband’s death, the dating scene and remarriage. I enrolled in a Bachelor of Science nursing program and focused my attention on this one goal above all else until I completed it. This would enhance my self-esteem and my employability, which I would need whether I left or stayed. Next, I joined a book club, renewed my longtime interest in the French language by taking some local French classes and began getting

After our first year together, we sold Bob’s house and bought a new home. This was necessary for all of us to heal and to move on. But the novelty wore off quickly because nothing else changed.

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my body back in shape through Jazzercise classes. All of these things have done wonders for my sense of well-being and contentment.

To paraphrase an oft-used quote, I got a life! As my internal and social worlds grew, my dependence on the love of my steprelationships for nourishment subsided. My sense of value as a human being was restored, and I no longer felt the need to prove my worth to my husband or my adult stepchildren.

It is the crux of stepfamilies that they are created from loss. Whether it was a death or divorce, it was not in the original plans. Thus, unfinished grief and all of its accompanying feelings of denial, anger, bargaining and depression, as described so aptly by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, MD, in her eminent book, “On Death And Dying,” are often reactivated with remar-riage rather than relieved by it. The Stepfamily Association of America informed me when I was first discovering the nature of our stepfamily’s struggle that, “These emotional issues often get played out in the new relationship with detrimental effects.”

When more than one person is grieving, as in our situation, these feelings are magnified and more difficult to overcome as each member of the grieving team is lost in their own needs and each reaches the final stage—acceptance—at different rates, further complicating an already complex situation. And parents are the fortunate ones in one sense because they have the choice to remarry. The children

don’t get to choose a stepparent, and they don’t want to. They want their parents back the way they were. This adds to the baggage that accompanies new stepfamilies. So, pain is a natural part of the process and not the abnormality one may tend to see it as. Understanding and adjusting to that pain takes work. You must have the strength to endure it and a willingness to see it through to happier times. One thing I learned from surviving the loss that got me into my stepfamily is the knowledge that I had survived my loss. I knew I had the tools to endure this current difficulty. But the realization of my inherent strength came only by being within this new morass and determinedly striving for a way out. It has been worth the work.

I don’t know how things devel-oped with the couples that shared dinner with us at the start of their new relationships, but I do know what happened to the couple that seemed so distraught and alone that evening. Through the quagmire of persistent grief, we gradually found our way back to each other. I am happy to report that, in our thirteenth year of marriage, I have finally chosen to stay. I know the way out and it will always be there if I need to go. But for now I feel fulfilled in myself, and I’m staying for love instead of fear. I love Bob and I know he loves me. More impor-tantly, I love myself. I’ve come to understand that happiness in our marriage does not depend on my having a perfect relationship with his children. We may never have the

close relationship I had hoped for, but we are now much kinder to one another. And that’s an improvement. Most importantly, their presence is no longer a threat to me or my marriage but rather a pleasant interlude to our daily lives. I now have two beautiful grandchildren, and it is a treat for me to finally have young lives to nurture and enjoy. The most beautiful thing of all is that my stepdaughter refers to me as Grandma Nancy, and my 2-year-old granddaughter—yes, she’s my grand-daughter—calls me just that. I’m sure the 3-month-old will call me Grandma Nancy when she begins to talk, too. What a lovely transition from our heartbreaking beginning as a stepfamily. ■

Recommended Reading

⊲ “The Unthinkable: Who Sur-

vives When Disaster Strikes—

and Why,” by Amanda Ripley

⊲ “On Death and Dying,” by

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, MD

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Our Interview With Diane Ingram Fromme

Stepmothering & the Grieving Child

Losing a parent is one of life’s biggest heartaches. When a parent dies, loss is felt and grief begins.

Grief is part of the healing process

and anyone who does life with a person who is grieving is along for the journey, including a stepmother. Whether the child grew up mother-less or mom passed away after Dad remarried, a

BY HEATHER HETCHLER, MA

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stepmom is wise to seek tools that help her navigate the loss and grief which encompass the experience of motherless children.

In her new book, “Stepparenting the Grieving Child,” Diane Ingram Fromme speaks directly to the heart of stepparents and shares how they can cultivate connections with children—of all ages—who have lost a parent. The author, writer and speaker has filled her book with practical tips, insightful revelations, real life stories and lessons which Diane learned personally as she walked that same journey. It’s a must-read for anyone who is stepparenting a grieving child.

Below, long-time StepMom Magazine Contributor Heather Hetchler discusses the book with Diane, who tells us what it’s like to stepmother a child of loss and provides tips for building bonds and a sense of caring between stepmother and child. Diane talks candidly about what surprised her most about stepmothering motherless children.

She also offers strategies for helping stepchildren manage their grief (and subsequent re-grief experi-ences), walking alongside your partner during this difficult time and getting help yourself.

HEATHER: What surprised you most about stepmoth-ering children whose mother was deceased?

DIANE: Three things surprised me as I stepparented two children who lost their mom to cancer. First, I realized that their liking me might feel to them like a betrayal to her. I expected their devotion to their mom but not the intensity of their loyalty. Next, I didn’t realize the amount of stepparenting and grief education I needed to serve the children, while also taking care of myself. I didn’t know, at first, that I needed help! And, maybe most important, I learned that I needed to be part of the team that honors the deceased parent as (a member) of the ongoing family.

HEATHER: How can someone partner with their spouse to help him, as he parents his grieving child?

DIANE: You do want to support your spouse, first and foremost, because he is the main parent. Assist and encourage the natural parent to be the central hub of the family—the main disciplinarian—and to be both

physically and emotionally available to his kids. Keep lines of communication open and strong between you. Whenever possible, approach him first when some-thing about your stepkids’ behavior concerns you, as opposed to going directly to them. When your spouse’s parenting skills don’t appear strong, learn to bolster him first before you jump into the control center.

HEATHER: What is one piece of advice you would give a stepmom for when the mother of her stepchildren passes away after she and the children’s father have married?

DIANE: Show compassion and don’t expect instant results. Build bit-by-bit from the relationship you have now. Always include the lost parent as part of the new family.

HEATHER: What might it be helpful for a woman marrying a widower with children to know and be aware of, as she joins the family and becomes a stepmom?

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DIANE: It’s so tempting to step into the gender gap. No one is physically playing the role of Mom. But Mom is there, in your stepfamily members’ hearts and minds. Focus on slow, organic relationship building and don’t impose success markers. Given time the stepfamily will begin to gel and change. Trust the stepfamily development cycle—a three-phase cycle pertinent to stepfamilies of all types!

HEATHER: If her stepchildren begin taking their grief out on her, what can a stepmom do to help herself?

DIANE: “Stepparenting the Grieving Child” offers many strategies for self-care when a stepmom feels rejected either during a specific event or in general. One of my favorite ways to rally above these feelings includes having a few close friends who are your support group and will listen without judgment, when you babble about your feelings.

Talking to other parents, step or not, can help us see new perspectives for raising kids. Talking to your spouse can also help. Just be clear if you want him to simply listen or to take action, as well. Pursuing your passions—the authentic expressions of you—can help raise your confidence and engage your attention in activities that feel good. For me, those activities

include exercise and reading spiritual or self-help quotations.

HEATHER: What does grief look like for a child whose mother is deceased—especially at major milestone moments like birthdays, graduations, weddings and the birth of grandbabies?

DIANE: Grieving kids of all ages can be fine for periods of time and then suddenly experience re-grief. Stepmoms want to look for signs of re-grief during major milestones and life transitions such as gradua-tions, weddings, births and funerals. Possible re-grief signs, depending on age, include: an inability to make decisions, name calling, placing blame, irritability or frustration, sadness mixed with withdrawal, taking control, bossiness or turning to substances.

A good first step toward discussing re-grief is to tell your spouse and stepfamily members that you’ve learned a name for those symptoms. The tricky part is that most of us don’t recognize right away when we are grieving. So, a helpful phrase to use might be: “Maybe you feel [bad, sad, frustrated, etc.] because of re-grief.”

HEATHER: What words can a stepmom speak to the hurting heart of her grieving stepchild?

DIANE: It really depends on the age of the child and the situation. For instance, if your stepchild is young and experiencing re-grief, you might sit in quiet play with them and gently dig deeper. As an example, you might say, “You seem sad today. Do you feel sad?” and, “Sometimes I wonder what you miss most about your

Keep lines of communication open and strong ...

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mom.” You can also ask a young child to draw or paint their feelings with you. Then see what comes out.

A phrase that one stepmom I spoke with used frequently with her stepdaughter is, “Losing your mom really stinks, huh?” She let her stepdaughter sit or talk or cry in reaction. This can work for kids of all ages. Teens often need a creative outlet for grief and self-expression: music, writing, singing or acting. Teens also gain a lot by talking with their peers.

Stepmoms can work behind the scenes or overtly to provide a link to other teens and to help a teen stepchild make time for creative expression. Stepmoms can even ask their teens, “What kind of support would you like from me?” If it’s nothing at the moment, work with your spouse to make sure one of you is emotionally available in case the right time to talk appears without pre-planning.

If your stepchild is an adult and seems to be struggling with missing mom, the most important thing you can probably do is just be physically and emotionally present. Ask again what kind of support they might want and be willing to provide a loving presence, even in silence.

Allow expressions of anger and sadness, if this is what your stepchild needs to do. You can also say, “If I’m not the right person to help you through this, tell me who I can find to help.”

HEATHER: How can a stepmom determine whether her stepchildren are fine or need something more from her?

DIANE: This is an important yet challenging ques-tion. Over time you’ll learn to recognize what re-grief looks like for each stepchild and you’ll keep re-learning that lesson during each phase of his or her growth as a person. Even if a kid says he is fine, you can judge if his actions and body language

match his words. One simple example is when a typically outgoing

kid is very quiet—or a typically calm child is nervous and hyper. Remember that your stepchildren aren’t grieving every day but reminders of the loss of their parent(s) could surface at almost any time. As mentioned before, be extra aware around milestone days. In addition, attempt to honor birth and death anniversaries, as well as Mother’s Day.

HEATHER: Mother’s Day can be tough for any child who’s experienced the death of a parent or the divorce of their parents. Given its impact on kids, parents and stepparents, how would you encourage a stepmother to feel about Mother’s Day? And what specific advice do you have for her?

DIANE: Through many years and lots of contempla-tion, I’ve come to the conclusion that we shouldn’t expect kids who’ve lost their moms to celebrate us on Mother’s Day. I’d also like to encourage stepmoms to create their own happy days of events on Mother’s Day. For example, I like to plant pots of annuals on Mother’s Day and to get the yard cleaned up. I can ask my stepkids to come to the store with me and help pick the flowers or to help plant and prune.

At the same time, on that day you can light a candle for their mom and tell them, “We’re remem-bering your mom on Mother’s Day.” If your stepkids are interested, you and your spouse can also pick a different day to celebrate with them. Maybe it’s the Sunday after Mother’s Day (which is now officially recognized as Stepmother’s Day).

This approach helps avoid loyalty conflicts around Mother’s Day itself. If your stepkids are in preschool or elementary school, work with their teachers, as Mother’s Day approaches, to ensure that they get to make something special in honor of their mom.

... be willing to provide a loving presence, even in silence.

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HEATHER: Share a blessing that you’ve experienced on this journey.

DIANE: Raising my stepchildren has been like holding up a mirror to all of my behaviors. I’ve grown to think and feel outside of myself, to show empathy to my family members and to persevere through adversity. I’m grateful, too, for developing a thicker skin—which is handy for life, in general!

THE STRUGGLING SOULThe grief process is one that evolves. The wise stepmom evolves with it.

Like a warm cup of coffee with friends, “Stepparenting the Grieving Child” helps breathe life into the struggling soul. It is a necessary tool for navi-gating the journey of grief alongside our stepchildren, as we build bonds that yield hope, peace and grace. Not only does Diane discuss the losses experienced by stepchildren. She digs deep into the identity crises and losses affected stepmothers encounter in their marriages and stepfamilies.

You’ll feel comforted, as well as educated, as you journey through the pages of this book. O

MEET DIANE INGRAM FROMMEDiane is a native New Yorker who now writes from a cozy home in Colorado—where she lives with her husband, her teen daughter and a spunky canine. A writer since childhood, she holds a degree in communication from Stanford University, works as a trainer/facilitator and writes articles and essays. Diane feels fortunate to

see and keep in touch with her adult stepchildren.

“Stepparenting the Grieving Child” (2017)Paperback, 280 pgs.Merry Dissonance PressView an excerpt at DianeFromme.comAmazon.com, BN.com, etc. ($16.95 USD)e-book at Amazon Kindle and Smashwords ($7.99 USD)

Read on for insights from Diane’s book, including some of the author’s favorite passages:

• “Is everyone really ‘fine’? The simple answer is no.”

• “Stepparents of grieving children are the and, not the instead.”

• “Identify the parts of yourself you will retain, cherish and be proud of as you move forward with your new family.”

• “Let your stepkids know that you, as a family, choose to honor—in some visible way—the continued bond with their mom or dad.”

• “My heart was in the right place, but I didn’t understand that I had to be a more effective part of the solution if our family was to grow closer.”

• “Over time … I became more comfortable letting my bonds with the kids develop on their own timeline (rather than) trying to predict success points.”

You are invited to discuss the joys and challenges of providing support for grieving children. Join the “Stepparenting the Grieving Child” Facebook community. You are also welcome to contact the author via [email protected].

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WEDNESDAY MARTIN, PHD, is an author, social researcher and stepmother. Her book “Stepmonster” is widely considered a go-to resource for stepmothers, adult stepchildren, therapists and others who seek a uniquely candid, interdisciplinary and comprehensive look at the topic. Wednesday’s work on women, gender and families has appeared in “The New York Times,” “The Atlantic,” “The Forward” and “Refinery29” among others. Her book “Primates of Park Avenue: An Anthropological Memoir of Manhattan Motherhood” was a No. 1 best seller. Her book “Untrue” (2018) is an exploration of female infidelity. Wednesday believes stepmothering is a feminist issue.

LAURA PETHERBRIDGE is an international author and speaker who serves couples and single adults with topics on relationships, divorce prevention, divorce recovery and stepfamily life. Laura is a DivorceCare video series featured expert and author of “When ‘I Do’ Becomes ‘I Don’t’” and “The Smart Stepmom.” She co-authored “101 Tips for The Smart Stepmom” (with Ron L. Deal) and “Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul.” Visit TheSmartStepmom.com.

RACHELLE KATZ, EDD, LMFT, is a stepmother coach who has trained as a marriage and family therapist and is active in the stepmother community. In addition to working as a psychotherapist, she leads a monthly stepmother support group in New York City and runs workshops for stepmoth-ers and their partners. She is the author of “The Happy Stepmother: Stay Sane, Empower Yourself, Thrive in Your New Family,” a self-help guide for stepmothers. Rachelle also owns and moderates StepsforStepmothers.com, where stepmoms can post advice and messages of support or encourage-ment. Contact her at [email protected] or (212) 460-5996.

CLAUDETTE CHENEVERT, aka The Stepmom Coach, works with women as they struggle to cre-ate a cohesive family life. As a speaker, author and stepfamily professional, Claudette mentors and guides stepmoms through the process of establishing a harmonious and thriving home life for their families, many seeing results within two sessions. Learn about her coaching practice and self-study program for stepmoms at StepMomCoach.com.

TAMMY DAUGHTRY, MMFT, Founder and CEO of Co-Parenting Int’l., is a marriage and family thera-pist and leads an organization dedicated to addressing the critical impact of co-parenting on children of divorce. As the author of “Co-Parenting Works! Helping Your Children Thrive After Divorce,” Tammy has made 50-plus media appearances in the U.S. and Canada. She is a national advocate and seminar presenter with extensive co-parenting experience. She is also a stepmom. Her newest DVD project, “One Heart, Two Homes: Co-Parent Support for Single and Remarried Parents,” will be released in April. Tammy lives with her husband, Jay, in Nashville, Tennessee. Tammy is available for consultation

via phone, Skype and FaceTime. Online at CoparentingInternational.com.

Meet the Contributing Writers

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GAYLA GRACE, MA, writes, speaks and coaches on stepfamily issues. She holds a master’s degree in psychology and counseling and has worked with stepfamilies for more than a decade. She serves on the speaking team with Sisterhood of Stepmoms and is the co-author of “Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul” and “Unwrapping the Gift of Stepfamily Peace.” She is a mom and stepmom to five children (ages 14 to 30) and resides in Shreveport, Louisiana, with her husband of 20-plus years, Randy. She is the founder of StepparentingWithGrace.com, which offers support, encouragement and resources.

NANCY DOMBEK is a 50-year-old childless stepmother of two adult children and stepgrandmother of two girls. She and her husband live in Cincinnati. They met in a widows-widowers support group. Nancy works as an RN Case Manager. Her interests include reading, writing, French and aerobics. Nancy is writing a memoir of her experiences of widowhood and stepparenting.

HEATHER HETCHLER, MA, has a passion for equipping stepmoms to thrive. She is the founder of CafeSMom.com, which brings positive resources, encouragement and support to stepmothers. She speaks about divorce recovery and stepfamily issues and is the co-author of “Unwrapping the Gift of Stepfamily Peace.” As a stepmom coach, her passion is to help stepmothers define their own positive path to success. As a full-time mom and stepmom, Heather resides in Cleveland with her husband, four children and two stepchildren.

Meet the Contributing Writers

Read on! Find other great articles, tips and advice for stepmoms in our Back Issue archive at: StepMomMagazine.com/Subscribe-Shop

FROM THE STEPMOM MAGAZINE ARCHIVES

Pg 3 - Martin, W. (August 2012). "Haunted Houses." Pg 7 - Petherbridge, L. (March 2013). "The Motherless Child." Pg 9 - Katz, R. (December 2017). "Mourning Their Mom." Pg 12 - Chenevert, C. (September 2016). "Married to a Widower." Pg 19 - Daughtry, T. (February 2015). "Love Never Dies." Pg 21 - Grace, G. (December 2013). "The Grief That Stole Christmas." Pg 23 - Dombek, N. (March 2013). "A Journey of Healing." Pg 27 - Hetchler, H. (May 2017). "Stepmothering & the Grieving Child."

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Documents

MARRYING A WIDOWER