Guide to Fabulous Relationships

How to bring more compassion, connection and meaning in your relationships

An introductory guide

How to use the ethos and principles of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to:

• offer the most precious gift of all – your full presence

• be authentic, compassionate and respectful all at the same time

• stay true to yourself even in challenging situations

• speak up for what you really want without treading on other people’s toes

• maintain your connection with others even when conflict is in the air

How to bring more connection, compassion and meaning into your relationships Jo McHale www.talking-truly.com Page 2 of 22

What vision do you have of your relationships?

Let me see if I can guess how you’d like your relationships to be – and how you’d like to be in your relationships. Now, I know that your relationships with your partner will be different from those with your parents – or with your children... or your friends.... or your colleagues at work. But I’m pretty sure that I can find some descriptions that will apply to all of them.

Here goes.

I’ll start with honesty. I guess you’d like to be able to say what’s on your mind. You wouldn’t want to have to hide things – or say one thing but mean another.

My next guess is authenticity. You want your true self to shine through. You don’t want to pretend to be something you’re not, do you?

And then there’s mutuality. Lop-sided relationships where giving and taking are out of balance are no fun – which is a neat reminder of how important it is to have fun. Where would a relationship be without it?

Are you with me so far? I could make more guesses, but four is enough for now.

Sounds great, doesn’t it? I can imagine really strong and stable relationships being built on a foundation on honesty, authenticity, mutuality and fun. And yet.....

... apparent ‘honesty’ and ‘authenticity’ can back-fire.

Let’s just pause a while and think what honesty and authenticity actually mean.

First of all, a story:

‘Where shall we go today?’ Husband and Wife are visiting a friend. Staying inside all day doesn’t appeal to anyone. The alternative options are a country walk or a walk by the sea. Husband states no preference. Wife says she would enjoy a walk by the sea. Friend is happy with either.

So the seaside it is.

Wife loves it. She strides out happily, revelling in the vast expanses of sand, big skies and a keen wind buffeting the clouds.

Husband looks very different. He shrinks into his coat, shoulders hunched, eyes cast downwards. He walks slowly, separately from his wife and friend.

I guess you want HONESTY, AUTHENTICITY, MUTUALITY

and FUN in your relationships. Yes?


Wife notices this and interprets it as his signalling his misery. She tucks her arm into his and tries to jolly him along. ‘Cheer up’ she says.

‘No, I won’t’ he replies. ‘You’re always telling me to be authentic. Well, I’m being authentic now. I’m not going to pretend that I’m enjoying this.’

Is this what honesty and authenticity in a relationship looks like?

I certainly would not advocate that Husband pretend to be happy when his behaviour said something very different. At the same time, I would invite him to:

1. reflect on what lay behind his choice to convey his misery the way he did

2. what needs of his he would like to be met

3. consider the effect of his strategy (i.e. his choice of behaviour) on his wife and friend and see whether or not it was likely to meet his needs

4. experiment with finding joy in his wife’s pleasure, even though he would prefer to be walking somewhere different.

If ‘honesty’ and ‘authenticity’ are taken to mean ‘I’ll do/say whatever is on my mind at any time regardless of its impact on other people’, I predict the relationship would not survive for long.

On the other hand, if each of us is able to express our state of mind at an appropriate time and in a way that does not hold other people responsible for our wellbeing, then I believe this will contribute to the health of the relationship.

So let’s add two more elements to our vision of relationships: self-awareness and care for each other.

I’m sure there will be other characteristics that are important to you, but I’m confident that honesty, authenticity, mutuality, fun, self-awareness and care will go a long way to making your relationships life-enriching.

The next step is to think about how you would like to ‘be’ in your relationships.

Relationships are likely to thrive when honesty and

authenticity are coupled with self-awareness and care for

others’ wellbeing.


The power of ‘presence’

One of the most powerful contributions you can make to any relationship is to offer your ‘presence’.

What does this mean in practice?

To me, being ‘present’ means offering full, undivided attention free of judgements and preconceptions and being open to whatever emerges from the interaction. Here are some tips to help you.

• Keep your attention focused on what is happening in the moment. If you find yourself drifting into thoughts about the past or the future, bring yourself back to ‘now’.

• Monitor what is going on in your head and heart. When you notice you are lapsing into judgements about yourself or about the other person (and it happens to all of us!):

o translate your judgements of yourself into feelings and needs (I’ll talk more about this in the section ‘Four steps’)

o translate your judgements of the other person into guesses about their feelings and needs. You might check these out with them if you believe it will strengthen the connection between you.

Presence is not....

.... simply being physically present

.... just a matter of listening to someone talking

.... making encouraging noises from behind a newspaper

.... listening intently, with the aim of putting forward your point of view as soon as you can

.... giving apparently attentive non-verbal signals, but letting your mind go somewhere else.

Why is it so powerful?

When we are fully present to ourselves we ‘step into our power’. This means that we:

• see other people clearly, unclouded by our own preconceptions, judgements and projections

• stay true to ourselves

• act out of choice instead of reverting to habitual reactions

• stay grounded rather than being triggered by what others say.

Being present means bringing your whole

self to the party


There’s another reason why ‘presence’ is so powerful. Not only does it bring clarity to our own state of mind. It also helps us to see other people clearly – and to establish a heart-to-heart connection with them.

Our full presence can be the most significant offering we can make. It has the power to transform relationships.

What gets in the way?

Just pause for a minute or two and think about times when some interaction you’ve had didn’t go as you wanted. Maybe it was a very short exchange but somehow it left you feeling dissatisfied, uncomfortable or regretful. Maybe you experienced irritation, annoyance or upset.

So many of our habitual ways of thinking and talking take us down that road. For example:

• the things we say (often to the people we love) imply that they’re doing things wrongly

• we blame others for how we feel instead of taking responsibility for ourselves

• we offer criticism instead of encouragement

• we hear criticism even when none was intended

• when others make comments or ask questions, we interpret them as criticising us

• when we ask for what we want, we aren’t prepared to hear ‘No’

• we sometimes want to prove ourselves right – which means that another person must be wrong

• we want to win – which means another person must lose.

We lose sight of our belief that each one of us is doing the best that we know how to do. So instead of seeking a heart-based connection and looking for ways of meeting everyone’s needs, we lapse into defending and protecting ourselves. In doing this, we become less able to see each other with compassion and understanding. The distance between us gets wider and wider and our differences become associated with painful emotion.

Even when our conflicts are small and blow over quite quickly, they nevertheless leave a mark. If you’re anything like me, you’d rather do things differently.

We lose the heart-to-heart connection between

ourselves and others when we forget that each of us is doing the best we can


Taking stock (1) Just stop a moment and reflect on where we’ve got to so far. Then I’ll offer some very specific suggestions about how to turn things around.

So far, I’ve made a guess at the quality of relationships you’d like to have. I suggested: honesty, authenticity, mutuality, fun, self-awareness and care for others. Did this ring true for you? Did you think of other qualities that you’d enjoy?

I gave you my take on what it means to be present to oneself and to others. I described it as one of the most precious contributions you can make to a relationship. When anyone offers it to me, I relax. I can be totally honest with myself – and I get into a creative space where ideas flow freely. And this happens when I experience another person as offering me their full, non-judgmental attention.

Sometimes, we find it difficult to be fully present because we have critical and judgemental voices chattering away in our heads. When this happens, I suggested translating them into feelings and needs. I’ll come back to this in the next section.

Then I briefly mentioned some of the many habits that we’ve all acquired over the years that get in the way of our being present – and which can sour our relationships. We diagnose people by telling them what’s wrong with them. We make demands on them – with an implicit or explicit threat of consequences if they don’t do what we’ve asked. We try to make other people responsible for our own feelings and state of mind.

When our communication stems from those ways of thinking, we are heading for disconnection. And the relationship takes a knock. Here’s a short, everyday example of how this can happen.

“Can’t he see that I’m struggling?” Son is sitting at the kitchen table, browsing through a computer magazine, a cup of coffee in his hand.

Father comes into the kitchen, struggling with a heavy load of bags to take out to the car. He would dearly like some help. When Son doesn’t immediately get up and offer to carry something for his father, the train of thought in Father’s head goes something like this:

“... lazy so-and-so...ignoring me... inconsiderate...typical teenager!”

These thoughts trigger irritation – which then leaks out into his request for help. He says to his son, in a tone heavy with sarcasm: “Would you mind taking your nose out of that fascinating magazine and giving your poor aged parent a hand, please?”.

I can’t imagine the son taking any pleasure in responding to a request made in that way!

It’s a familiar pattern – but there is a different way of doing things. Read on....


So what can you do instead?

1. Think ‘connection’

A good place to start, if you want to deepen the quality of your relationships, is to hold the intention to connect with other people.

I don’t mean the sort of connection that you get on Facebook or LinkedIn. Nor do I suggest that you send dozens of Tweets.

What I mean is that in your interactions with people, you:

• present yourself authentically

• seek to understand where the other person is coming from and what needs they might be trying to meet – even if you are hearing judgements, criticism, irritation, despair.

When you are in that space, you will no longer be trying to:

• win

• prove yourself to be right – and the other person wrong

• make the other person change

• make yourself feel better

• make the other person feel better.

All you will be doing is striving to make a connection – and that gets you into a heart-to-heart dialogue.

Remembering the intention

In one of my NVC Foundation Trainings, the group took to heart the concept of ‘intention’. There were just five participants, looking at some sensitive issues through the lens of NVC. Before making any contribution, each one of them took a moment or two to check whether their intention was genuinely to connect with the other person. As a result, the dialogue acquired a depth that hugely enhanced their interactions.

2. Check your intentions

When we lose sight of the intention to connect, we tend to lapse into interactions that serve purposes other than deepening a relationship. In fact, all too often we interact in ways that increase the distance between us instead of bringing us closer. Have look at the examples below to see what I mean.


Just imagine that.....

.... your partner makes a comment that you interpret as critical of you. How are you likely to respond?

If you are really triggered, you might want to:

• defend yourself: e.g. ‘Give me a chance!’ ‘It wasn’t my fault...’

• shift responsibility onto the other person: e.g. ‘Why didn’t you....’ ‘It’s your fault ....’

• attack back: e.g. ‘If you’re so clever why don’t you do it yourself?’

If your intention is to connect...

If you keep an intention to connect uppermost in your mind, you could choose a different response. Instead of hearing the comment as a criticism of you, hear it as an expression of your partner’s own needs. Then you could try guessing at what these might be. Even if you were to do this silently, you would take yourself into a different, more compassionate place.


.... you ask your teenage son if he’s finished his course work and he tells you to stop hassling him. How are you likely to respond?

This apparently simple exchange is in fact a complex interaction with lots of potential for argument.

First, consider the intention behind the question. You might genuinely be wanting to reach out to your son. On the other hand, you might unwittingly be trying to educate the young man about the benefits of working hard. Maybe your question is an indirect expression of fear that if he doesn’t apply himself now, his future success is in jeopardy.

Secondly, his reply is potentially a powerful trigger. You take it as him being unreasonable and so you go into defensive mode. You might say ‘I’m only asking’ in an injured tone of voice.

Disconnection is likely to follow!


One option would be to be clearer about what lies behind the question. So you could openly express your desire for him to do well.

As well as expressing yourself, you might guess at where he’s coming from. For example: ‘You want me to trust that you’ll finish your coursework?’.



.... your daughter is in tears and tells you that her boyfriend has broken off their relationship. How are you likely to respond?

You might try to reassure her that she will find someone else but she tells you that you don’t understand.


Of course you want to reassure her. You don’t like to see your daughter in pain. However, her response suggests that reassurance isn’t what she wants right now. So instead, try to connect with her. Put yourself in her shoes and show that you can see things from her point of view. Empathise with how she is feeling about the breakup before trying to offer reassurance.


.... one of your work colleagues comes up with a proposal that others think is a non-starter. How are they likely to respond?

From what I’ve seen, I would expect most people to express their objections. When everyone is intent on getting their points across, the discussion can turn into a heated debate where advocacy squeezes out inquiry – and no-one is really listening.


Adopting an intention to understand and clarify your colleague’s proposal is likely to lead to decision making that takes everyone’s needs into account.

3. Yes, but...

As you read the examples above, I imagine you will have lots of ‘yes, but... ‘ comments coming into your head. I’d love to be able to address them. All I can do right here is urge you again to be honest with yourself and check what your intentions are, moment by moment. If you find yourself wanting to win, to educate, to show yourself in a good light, to let the other person know where they are lacking.... take a step back and ask yourself whether such intentions are likely to help you connect with the other person.

If they don’t support connection, try moving your attention away from yourself and onto the other person. What’s going on for them? What lies underneath what they’re saying? How can you show that you understand where they’re coming from.


This does NOT mean that you agree with them. In fact you might have a very different view. But if you immediately put your point or else try to show the other person where they are going wrong, you slip into a debate and maybe a heated argument.

An alternative is to show that you want to step into their shoes for a few moments. This goes a long way towards strengthening the connection between you.

The four step model of nonviolent communication

Step 1: Pure observations

When I was talking about the power of ‘presence’, I pointed out that we can so easily get distracted by our thoughts, tinged with judgements (of ourselves and/or others), criticisms and interpretations of what we see, hear or sense. And then we act on the basis of our thoughts and the labels we give people rather than on the basis of what actually happened. That can lead us into all sorts of misunderstandings, disconnection and conflict!

So our first task is to train ourselves to make ‘pure’ observations. Have a look at these examples of observations mixed up with evaluations – and at some suggestions about how they might be expressed as ‘pure’ observations.

Taking stock (2)

If you came to this guide knowing something about Nonviolent Communication already, you’re probably wondering when I’m going to talk about Observations, Feelings, Needs and Requests. After all, that’s what NVC is about isn’t it?

Well, yes, those four steps do guide us towards talking nonviolently. But NVC is not just about the words we use. We could use nonviolent language whilst still harbouring judgements, resentment, criticism and other forms of thinking that prevent us from connecting with others.

Being present and aware of our intentions helps us to get ourselves into a compassionate place so that we can retain our compassion even in circumstances that we find challenging. Then, the words we use will be congruent with the state we’re in.

Without presence and the intention to connect, our ‘nonviolence’ will be an empty shell.

So, are you ready to move on? Let’s explore how the four steps support our intention to connect.

People aren’t jam jars. So don’t stick labels on them.


‘You give in too easily.’

One way of expressing this as a pure observation

‘I didn’t hear you put your side of the story.’

‘You just don’t care about your family.’


‘I haven’t heard you talk about your family in the past three months.’

‘The training programme you’re offering is woefully inadequate.’


‘You are offering us a training programme of one day. We predict that we will need three days training to achieve the level of skill that we want to develop.’

How would it be for you if someone said you were lazy? Or that your offering was inadequate? Or that you’re lacking in some way? My guess is that you wouldn’t enjoy it and that it wouldn’t increase the connection between you and those who made the comments.

Now think about it from a different point of view. If you are in a critical frame of mind and making such comments about other people, I predict that it would be harder for you to see them compassionately. Your judgements and criticisms of them would leak out, even if you didn’t make them explicit, and then it would be hard to build your connection with them.

So starting with ‘pure’ observations provides a solid base for your interactions.

Step 2: Feelings

Our feelings are important messengers. They let us know whether our needs are being met – or not being met. So pay attention to them. Don’t try to deny them.

There is a challenge here, though. Sometimes the English language can get in the way – because we use the word ‘feel’ in different ways. We use it loosely to express thoughts, images, expectations – and more. Have a look at these examples.

People aren’t jam jars. So why do we label them?


I feel that ... When the word ’that’ creeps in, it’s a sure sign of a thought rather than a feeling.

I feel you should ... Here, ‘feel’ could be more accurately be replaced by ‘I think’ or ‘I believe’. And when the word ’you’ comes in, it’s a sign that you’re talking about someone else and not about your own feelings.

I feel a need to ... Again, this represents a thought rather than a true feeling.

I feel misunderstood/ignored/ forgotten... In this case, ‘feel’ is a shorthand way of saying ‘I experience you as misunderstanding (or ignoring, or forgetting) me.’

So instead of representing our own internal emotional state, the word is actually an interpretation of what another person is doing. To get beyond this, ask yourself what feelings lie behind the experience.

I feel as though.... And now there’s an image emerging. For example: ‘I feel as though I could conquer the world’. What’s the feeling underneath that image? Exaltation? Relief.?

You will often hear people saying ‘You made me feel...’ or ‘It made me feel....’ . But there’s a crucial distinction to tease out here. You are responsible for your feelings. Neither people nor events can make you feel things. The way you feel will be shaped by your previous experiences, the mood you are in, what you were expecting .... and much more besides. The same comment or situation might trigger you one day but not the next – and your friends or family might have a very different response. So instead of thinking about cause and effect, think about underlying needs met or not met.

When you experience feelings that you enjoy, it’s a sign that you are getting needs met.

When you experience feelings that you don’t enjoy, it’s a sign that you have unmet needs.

The way you feel is not CAUSED by other people or events.

YOU are responsible for your feelings.


Taking responsibility for our feelings

Let’s play with a couple of examples for a moment or two to get the flavour of what it means to take responsibility for our feelings. As you read the different versions of each example, imagine the effect they would have on you.

Not taking responsibility for her feelings

‘You make me love you. I didn’t want to do it. You made me do it. You made me happy, sometimes you made me glad. But there were times, dear, you made me feel so bad.’ (Judy Garland)

So according to Judy Garland, even falling in love is out of her control and is someone else’s fault!

Taking responsibility by expressing an observation and feeling

How would it sound if she was taking responsibility for her feelings? Maybe something like: ‘When I think of you and all the things you do for me, I feel great love for you.’ OK, so it’s not such a great lyric and certainly won’t find its way into a chart-topping song. But it does put responsibility back where it belongs: with the person experiencing the feeling.

Not taking responsibility for his feelings

‘You made me so irritated when you came in late.’ Here, the speaker is blaming the other person for her feelings of irritation.

Taking responsibility for his feelings by saying what we were thinking

‘When you came in later than I was expecting, I was feeling irritable and anxious because I was blaming you for holding me up.’ The speaker has taken the first step in taking responsibility for his feelings by acknowledging that his irritation was triggered by his thinking. But there is another way – a way of speaking from the heart.

Taking responsibility for his feelings by expressing an observation, feeling and need

‘When you came in later than I was expecting, I was feeling irritable and anxious because I was wanting to get to the meeting in good time and without any hassle.’

Here, the speaker goes a step further in taking responsibility for his feelings. Instead of saying what he had been thinking (which can sometimes be hard for other people to hear), he attributes his feelings to his unmet needs. This helps him to focus on what he was needing. It also helps the other person to avoid hearing criticism and instead, to focus on empathising with the speaker about his unmet needs.


Step 3: Needs

What does the word mean to you?

I’ve mentioned the word ‘needs’ several times now. I’m wondering how you hear it.

Are you someone who puts so much of your energies into serving others that you don’t admit to having needs of your own? Or if you do recognise that they’re there, do you put them on one side because you think other people’s needs are more important than yours?

Maybe the idea of having needs sounds like you’re being ‘needy’ - and that this is not how you want to be seen.

Let me get one thing straight. We all have needs. Like it or not, we all have the same needs

We all need things like support, appreciation, understanding, acceptance, autonomy, choice, emotional safety, self-worth, fun, touch, food and water. Without them, we don’t thrive.

This is part of being human.

Where we differ is in:

• how aware we are of what we are needing

• how strongly we feel our needs moment by moment

• how we choose to meet them.

How do we recognise them?

Sometimes the English language leads us astray when we talk about needs. Have a look at these two examples.

‘I need you to be more responsible’

Whenever we find the word ‘you’ creeping in to our intended expression of needs, we can be sure that we’re talking about something different from our needs.

‘I need to get this finished by tonight’

When we talk about needing to do something, we are in the realms of strategies for meeting needs, rather than the need itself. So to get behind the strategy, ask what need would be met if the strategy was to be implemented.

‘Getting finished by tonight’ might be a strategy to meet a need for: efficiency... keep to an agreement... create freedom to do something else.... If you are being asked to help, it makes such a difference to hear how you’d be contributing to someone’s needs – needs that you too experience at some time or another.


Needs are about you and what you:

• value

• are longing for

• would dearly like to get satisfied.

They are what make us human. Everything we do is shaped by our attempts at getting our needs met.

The ‘classic NVC’ way of expressing your needs is to use the form ‘I’m feeling... because I’m needing...’

This has the virtue of being concise and clear.

The disadvantage is that some people might hear this as ‘weird NVC talk’. Instead of building a connection, your attempts at expressing yourself accurately widen the gap between you.

So here are some more colloquial ways of expressing your needs and values.

The effect of expressing our needs

If you express your needs indirectly, as judgements and interpretations of other people, they are likely to hear criticism and then to put their energy in defending or justifying themselves. So express your needs clearly – and without getting attached to a particular person or a particular strategy for meeting them. This is a more effective strategy for building connections than telling people what’s wrong with them.

One final thought on this: if you don’t value your own needs, who will?

Step 4: Requests

Are you a mind reader? No? I’m not either. Nor is anyone else I know. So how will anyone know what you are wanting if you don’t ask?

Making requests doesn’t always come easily and we often take a roundabout route. This can have unintended consequences. Have a look at the next example.

...because I care about...

What really matters

to me is... ...because I really enjoy...

I particularly

value... What I’m longing for right now is... What brings me to

life is...


Imagine that you are preparing for the monthly visit of your in-laws. You’re feeling a bit harassed and wanting to get things straightened out in time. This is what you say to your partner:

‘Look, your parents are coming round this evening for a meal. I can’t get things ready on my own.’

Is this a request? No, far from it.

Your partner is likely to:

• hear you as complaining • interpret what you’ve said as criticism • feel a touch of resentment and/or guilt • be uncertain about what you want to be done.

So there’s bad feeling on both sides – and you are no nearer to getting the help you want.

A more life-enriching option is to follow the four steps: make an observation, explain the feelings and needs that arise in response to the observation; then make a request that is both specific and doable. For example:

Observation: ‘Your parents are due to arrive in a couple of hours.’

Feelings: ‘I’m feeling anxious about getting the place cleaned up and the meal ready.’

Need: ‘I could do with some help in making the place look welcoming.’

Request: ‘So would you be willing to wash the floor, stack the dishes in the dishwasher and then peel the potatoes for me?’

Now your partner knows exactly what will serve you best. Will your partner do what you’ve asked? Ah, well, that’s another matter. I’ll come back to that shortly.

What makes an effective request?

Here are some tips for making requests.

1. Be very specific 2. Ask for what you want – not what you don’t want 3. Ask for something that can be done right now, in the present. 4. Make requests that invite further dialogue and in doing so, support connection 5. Ask if the other person is willing to do what you are asking

Have look at these examples to see how these tips can be put into practice. Sometimes, a similar form of words is appropriate for more than one of the tips.


1. Be very specific

Instead of saying...

‘Would you ring me about this soon?’

... be specific about your interpretation of ‘soon’. For example...

‘Would you ring me before 17.00 this afternoon?’


‘I’d like you to give me more help in sorting out the house’

... try expressing more precisely the help that you would enjoy. For example...

‘Would you be willing to spend a couple of hours with me on Saturday morning, making a list of what we need to buy before we start re-decorating the sitting room?’


‘I’d like you to show more respect for my opinions’

... try making this ‘do-able’ by saying what action would show respect for your opinions. For example:

‘Would you agree to ask me what I think before you make a decision that affects both of us’

2. Ask for what you want – not what you don’t want


‘I don’t want you to go out tonight’

... try being clearer about what you DO want. For example:

‘I’d love it if you would stay in tonight and watch that DVD with me. Are you up for that?’


‘I don’t want you to make that decision on your own’

... say what you DO want. For example:

‘I would like to agree a time when we can discuss this together. Are you willing to do that?’


‘Don’t shout at me!’

... make a request about how you would like to be talked to. For example:

‘Would you continue this discussion in your normal speaking voice?’


3. Ask for something that can be done right now


‘Will you remember our anniversary next year?’

... ask for something that can be done now. For example:

A specific action-based request might be:

‘Would you make an entry in your computer diary to remind you a week ahead of our anniversary?’

Alternatively, if you can’t think of an immediate action, then you might ask for an agreement or an intention. For example:

‘I’d love to trust that you understand how important our anniversary is to me. So would you tell me that as of now, you intend to remember it?’

(This acknowledges that no one can guarantee to remember to do something way ahead in the future. All anyone can do in the present is to agree to try.)

4. Invite further dialogue and strengthen connection


‘Just tell me if you agree or not!’

... try a request that opens up the conversation and shows that you are interested. For example:

‘Would you tell me what you think about what I’ve just said?’

5. Ask if the other person is willing to do what you’re wanting

Instead of using words and a tone of voice that sounds as though you are telling someone what to do....

‘Tell me what you think about this’

... try putting your request as a question, so that you offer choice. For example:

‘Would you tell me what you think about this?’

‘Would you be willing to sit down and discuss this with me?’


Will it work?

Clients sometimes tell me that they make very specific requests but then find that ‘it doesn’t work’. They apparently express their feelings and needs with great care followed by a request but still don’t get the response they’re seeking. So where does that leave them?

To sort this out, think back to the beginning of this guide, where I was talking about ‘intention’. What is the intention behind the request? I’ve heard beautifully worded ‘requests’ that are not requests at all – because they carry an intention to get someone to do something.

This needs some explanation because it might seem that getting someone to do something is the very reason why we make requests.

Look at it this way. Making a request is a strategy for getting our needs met. But when we try to get our needs met by a particular person, or in a particular way, we get locked into getting things done the way WE want. We don’t give other people a choice. So our ‘requests’ become ‘demands’. They carry the expectation of compliance.

When people hear ‘demands’, they tend either to:

• submit, in which case they will comply begrudgingly and probably resentfully • rebel!

Neither response is likely to make life more wonderful for you. And it doesn’t help a relationship if one party gets their needs met at the expense of the other.

So if you aren’t willing to hear ‘no’ to your request, and to explore different ways in which your needs might be met, you know that you were making a demand, not a request. When this happens, open yourself to the possibility that there’s likely to be more than one way of meeting your needs – provided, of course, you understand what your needs are.

No guarantees

You might work hard to be clear about why you are making your request. You are aware of your feelings and needs. Your request is do-able. And you are genuinely open to talking about getting your needs met that suit both of you.

But you are still heard as making a demand! What can you do?

First, check with yourself. Were you making a genuine request? Did your words and/or your tone of voice convey that you only wanted them to do what you asked if they could do it

‘Requests’ allow people the option of saying ‘no’ and

open the way to discussion of strategies that serve both

parties. Demands don’t!


willingly? If you have any doubts, check it out with the other person. Here are some examples.

‘I’d like to check whether what I said came across in the way I intended. Would you tell me what you heard me say?’

‘I picked up some strong feelings in your response to my request. Did it come across as not giving you any choice?’

If you pick up the signs that your request has triggered something in the other person, check this out, too. Make sure that your tone of voice conveys real interest and willingness to listen.

‘Would you be willing to tell me what this has triggered in you?’

‘Would you be willing to tell me how this ‘lands’ with you?’

Connection before action

Sometimes, you may need to make a series of requests before you get to the point of making a request for action.

If emotions are running high, then wait until you have a heart-to-heart connection before you attempt to get your needs met.

1. Check the other person’s willingness to engage with you.

‘Are you willing to talk about this right now?’

‘Are you willing to hear how things are for me?’

2. Make a request for clarity After you’ve expressed your feelings and needs, check how you’ve been heard. For example: ‘Would you tell me what you’ve heard me say?’

3. Make a request for connection

When you suspect that the other person isn’t ready to hear an action request related to your needs, you might ask about what’s going on for them in response to what you’ve said.

‘Would you tell me what’s stirred up in you right now?’

‘Would you tell me what’s going on for you?’


Your choices

In the heat of the moment, most of us resort to one mode of communication only: we say what’s on our mind. And very often, it’s not good to hear.

Guess what! We get the same thrown back at us.

There’s no real communication. No understanding. No exploration of each other’s position.

It doesn’t have to be like this. You have a choice of three modes of dialogue. You can move from one to the other, moment by moment.

1. Connect silently with yourself Translate your thoughts, judgements, criticisms and interpretations into your feelings and needs. This is a process of empathising with yourself. When you do this internal work, you are more likely to be able to express yourself in ways that others can take in.

2. Express yourself Say out loud what you are feeling and needing. This shows that you take responsibility for what is going on in you and that you are not blaming the other person or holding them responsible.

3. Receive the other person Empathise with them by guessing what they might be feeling and needing. Ask them ‘Are you feeling.... because you’re needing...?’ It doesn’t matter if your guess isn’t accurate. Showing that you want to know is what matters.

What happens then is that you move much closer together. You begin to be able to put yourself in each other’s shoes. You experience a quality of connection that can be truly transformational.


Next steps There is so much more to say about Nonviolent Communication – and many ways in which you can find out more.

Check out my website (www.talking-truly.com) There, you can:

• Sign up for my newsletter, if you haven’t already done so • Read my articles (you’ll find them under Free stuff) • Sign up for a workshop

If you are longing to bringing a relationship back to life, get in touch with me to talk about individual sessions (face to face or by phone).

www.talking-truly.com [email protected] (+44) 1252 792322

Closing thoughts What I wanted to do in this Guide is to put into your hands some principles and strategies that have the power to transform your relationships.

These are not techniques to pick up when the going gets tough – and then forget about until the next crisis.

They are the practical implementation of a belief that the world is a better place when we contribute to each other’s wellbeing by speaking from the heart. We do this by:

• starting with an intention to connect (rather than to persuade, to win, to prove we are right....)

• being present in the moment (rather than being in the grip of the past or fear of what might happen in the future)

• being aware of our feelings and needs (empathising with ourselves) • guessing at the feelings and needs of others (empathising with others) • choosing when to express ourselves and when to receive others.

The four-step process gives you a framework:

• When I see... (Observation) • I feel... (Feelings) • ...because I’m needing (Needs) • Would you be willing to.... (Request)

Don’t let it become a mechanical mantra. Let your true self shine through. Your intention to connect is more important than finding the ‘right’ words.

And there will be times when silence is the most powerful communication of all.

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Documents

Guide to Fabulous Relationships