Dear Friends,

It’s too late for a Christmas letter and really late to be sending out a re-cap of my time in Guatemala, though I guess I’m about to attempt to write a mix of those two things here.  I’ve been meaning to write something–anything–to send to you who encouraged me and supported me and prayed for me as I prepared to go to Guatemala and during my time there.  I had written a summary of thoughts and feelings as I prepared to return to the U.S. but I think that essay served it’s greatest purpose simply in allowing me to unpack the ups and downs, disappointments and blessings, hopes and fears that I had.

So, without further ado, here is–at least the beginning of–a list of highlights, lowlights, people, places, thoughts and truths that helped shape 2010.

Arely.  God willing, someday you’ll all meet Arely.  Any number of video clips, photos and Arely-quotes wouldn’t do this little girl justice.  Arely’s big personality and facial expressions, her smile, occasional bossiness, and the way she loved playing salon de belleza (beauty salon) were constant evidences of God’s creativity.   Despite her teeny-tiny stature and the trouble she had walking, Arely took such good care of her little brother Allan.  And maybe what I loved most about Arely, was her total abandon in letting you know how happy she was to see you.

Being a foreigner.  During my first couple visits to Guatemala, being a foreigner was fun.  Everything was new and exciting.  I felt cool and unique.  I guess I thought it would be the same when I came for eight months.  Actually it was the complete opposite.  I felt like a little kid.  Here are some of the reasons why:

-My serious comments were often interpreted as “cute.”

-I grew quite accustomed to people talking about me while I stood only a few feet away.

-My mistakes made people laugh more than my jokes did.

-It was, admittedly, much easier to relate to four and five year-olds than Christian seminary students my own age.  I guess that’s a good thing though since I spent most of my time with four and five year-olds.

Casita Benjamín.

There is so much that could be said about Casita.  Primary in importance is that there are about 70 precious precious kids who go to Casita every weekday and, among other things, are taught about the love Jesus has for them.  I believe God is using it like a lighthouse in a dark place.  Though I admit, Zone 3 of Guatemala City is not so dark as I once thought.  Dark because of drug and gang related violence and alcoholism.  But there are also many believers.  One such believer is Hermana Ana, who works as the cleaning lady at Casita Benjamín. 

A is for Arely

She was so kind to walk with me to and from Casita nearly every day and I was blessed to learn of her heart’s desire to love God, and see others come to repentance. I also got to know a variety of people from the neighborhood (from church, English classes, Casita, etc) and it was fun to walk down the street and run into people I knew! That never happens to me here.

My plan in going to Guatemala was to work on a sponsorship program for Casita Benjamín, to increase funding so that more kids could come.  In Guatemala City a lot of parents just can’t afford minimal tuition to allow their kids to go to school.  Honestly, I’m really unsatisfied with the amount of progress I made towards this, which was minimal.  I sent out thank-you notes and made brochures about Casita Benjamín.  I sent out a Christmas letter this year and have plans to continue with thank you notes for supporters and semi-annual updates.  But honestly it is not at all what I hoped for and I blame this on unrealistic expectations, laziness to some degree, and prioritizing my efforts and time differently.  I can’t really judge whether that was wise or not (well I know laziness is unwise).  Someone asked me shortly before leaving Guatemala if I felt satisfied with my time there.  Hmm.  I don’t even know how to judge that.  Yes and no.  I feel I worked hard to serve the kids on a daily basis and the Lord increased my love for them…I wish I committed more time to praying for them though…thankfully it’s not too late to do that…I didn’t accomplish what I hoped to…but I often wonder what I was actually hoping for.  And, in terms of sponsorship related stuff, my time at Casita Benjamín has put me in a much better position to continue keeping Casita sponsors updated from here and what remains is for me to be diligent to do so.

There were moments while at Casita Benjamín where I almost felt Jesus was showing me glimpses of Himself.  Playing “salon de belleza” with Arely, for example, Diego’s shrieks and smiles when we played tag, or watching Jeffry’s face when he talked (about anything) seemed like glimpses of God’s glory.  Small ones, obviously, but even now tears come to my mind because I honestly feel like the care my Heavenly Father has for each human being was reflected in the uniqueness I saw in the children at Casita Benjamín.  There were also moments I lost patience and even more when I lost patience inwardly and maybe my heart checked-out temporarily.

I am grateful beyond measure to have spent that time at Casita Benjamín, losing and learning patience, holding precious little people, laughing, cleaning up poop and puke,, sharing Jesus, and reading classics like The Very Hungry Caterpillar, You are Special and Are You My Mother? about a hundred times (in Spanish of course).

D-d-d-doubting.  I’m not sure how to describe this one but I feel like doubts, unfortunately, have characterized my experiences lately.  These doubts range from questioning my plans and where I seem to be headed, to relationships, and even God’s love for me–they all seem to center around God’s will, and whether I’m “doing it” or not.  Doubt is paralyzing and confusing and it kind of makes you want to sleep nonstop so as not to wonder and question and feel afraid about whether or not you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing.  Doubting, and the anxiety that has come with it, has been one of the toughest things I’ve experienced this year and possibly in my whole life. It’s been especially prevalent since returning from Guatemala.

D also stands for daughter; I am an adopted daughter of my Heavenly Father.

Jonathan showed me this verse recently, and I’m holding onto it, especially in the midst of these doubts.

Romans 8:15

For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption, by whom we cry out “Abba, Father”

E is for Encouraging moments.

My mom gave me some Jesus storybooks in Spanish for my birthday.  I ended up bringing them with me on a weekend trip to Panajachel, Guatemala.   Panajachel is one place I do not like.  Too hippie, too many people trying to sell me too many things I do not want.  But on this particular morning a little boy came up to us with handmade greeting cards.  And they were really cool!  So we bought some and I remembered a Jesus storybook I had in my purse.  I gave him the book and a few minutes later saw that he’d sat down with an older boy (maybe his brother) to read it.  A lot of kids who sell on the street are illiterate so it was surprising that this boy could even read!   And cool, because he and his “brother” took turns reading/looking at it.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD.

“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

So are My ways higher than your ways

And my thoughts than your thoughts.

“For as the rain and snow come down from heaven,

And do not return thre without watering the earth

And making it bear and sprout,

And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater;

So will be My word which goes forth from My mouth;

It will not return to me empty,

Without accomplishing what I desire,

And without succeeding in the matter for which I

sent it.” (Isaiah 55:8-11)

Through my time in Guatemala, these verses served as such a strong reminder that God is the one who brings all things to completion.  Opportunities arose to share the gospel (some I seized and others I didn’t).  Sometimes I felt really, really intimidated to share the gospel. I’d blame it on Spanish verb conjugations if I could but I get just as intimidated speaking in English. I’m thankful for the strength God gave and gives to share His word (whether to a group, or one-on-one) and that He doesn’t send it out without purpose.

Good bye and the Hope of Heaven and Immense Love.

I met a lot of precious people in Guatemala.  Particularly, little people.  I miss them.  Going to Casita every weekday was a) exhausting and b) one of the most awesome blessings of my life.  It was so much fun to walk into a class of four and five year-olds every morning.  Uri might stand up and greet me lifting his sweatshirt to reveal whatever cartoon character was on his shirt underneath.  Or the five year old boys might chant a little rhyme to tell me I was late--”La tortuga vino tarde, otra vez!!” (The tortoise came late--again!) Saying good-bye or good-bye-for-now was hard.  Bittersweet, because I was excited to go home, but that didn’t make it less bitter.  I hope, with all my heart, that those precious people at Casita Benjamín will come to know Jesus Christ as their Savior.  As I write this, I’m reminded of a very simple, ragamuffin gospel, perfect for people like you and me and the kids at Casita Benjamín. Thanks to Jesus’ Immense Love you might all get to meet the kids at Casita Benjamín, one day, in Heaven. Please pray for this to happen!

J is Jeffry (and other “J” examples of God’s brilliance), whose facial expressions also serve to testify to the creativity of a God with a sense of humor. 

K is for King Jesus.  I was thinking a few days ago that life would be unbearable if Jesus  wasn’t a part of the trinity.  Think about it.  The same could be said for the Father and the Holy Spirit, but right now I’m thinking particularly of Jesus.  I know that there is no other name under heaven, given among men by which we must be saved (Acts 4:12)–no other name but Jesus Christ.  In King Jesus, we also have a high priest, offering sacrifice (His own body) in our defense.  “..We do not have high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.” (Hebrews 4:15)  Fear and worry have been major issues in my life lately and Jesus says, “Fear not” and “Do not worry about your life.”  And, honestly, I’m just so thankful that the God who is telling me not to worry or fear was just as tempted to worry, and to be afraid as I am.

L is for loneliness, which I guess is inevitable when you embark on any overseas adventure alone, without human company.  Even in a perfect world where God walked with man in a personal way, God recognized a need for human companionship.  Of course I was surrounded by people and really wonderful people too.  On the second day of language school I met Robyn, a widow who was studying Spanish before heading for Honduras to be the superintendent of a Christian orphanage; she and I spent many afternoons together.  At the seminary where I lived I met Roxana, a Bolivian girl who befriended me and made being a foreigner 10x better.  At Casita I worked with many women in their twenties and several of these became friends as I was in Guatemala.  And I’ve mentioned the Arandas, a wonderful Peruvian family who welcomed me into their home over and over and invited me to share in their everyday life.  The, Glicks, the missionaries who sort of supervised me, invited me to spend several weekends with them.  I was hugely blessed.  Still, I spent a lot of time alone, in my room at night.  In language school I stayed with a family who I only saw at mealtimes (it was kind of a strange set-up).  So by 7:30 I was usually in my room, alone.  And there were many nights like that while working at Casita Benjamín.  There were also weekends which were fairly uneventful and other times where I experienced a whole lot of lonely feelings.

Mistakes.  I want to use this as an opportunity to apologize for a mistake I made.  I came across this line as I was rereading a support letter.  Here’s a direct quote, “I wouldn’t ask you to make a gift if I didn’t believe God will use each and every dollar to further His kingdom.”  I don’t really question my intentions in writing this, but, what was I thinking?  I have to apologize because, though I feel I tried to be wise and faithful with my money, I can not honestly say that every dollar was used to further God’s kingdom.  Money went to Casita Benjamín, plane tickets, gifts, jeans, coffee, lunch at the the mall, paying my rent, and stamps to send letters, among lots of other things.  I wish I’d reread what I’d written before receiving my first paycheck so as to apologize then, or that I hadn’t written it at all.  Please forgive me for making a statement and not fully keeping my word.

Natural disasters.  Within a few short days a volcano erupted–covering Guatemala City and neighboring provinces with black sand–then a tropical storm hit, non-stop rain for hours and hours, sending homes into ravines and in many cases, people to their deaths.  And then there was a sinkhole.  A sinkhole, by the way, kind of looks like the earth being swallowed from within. It was actually really discouraging. Really sad. Have you noticed that so often it is the poor who suffer the most from natural disasters?

Omnipresent.  Always there.  One evening before I left for Guatemala I decided to visit Jonathan at work.  It was pretty recently after he’d started working there and I thought his work was a mile or two further east than it actually is.  So after driving a couple miles out of my way I called someone (I don’t even remember who) for directions.  For some reason my mistake struck me as funny and I laughed out loud.  Laughing alone in a car is awkward but I remember distinctly feeling I was not alone.  The Spirit of God (who I sometimes imagine like an invisible Jesus) was there with me and is as I write this. I imagine He laughed with (at?) me.  God does not meet me at the places He sends me to.  Rather He journeys with me.  When I mistakenly travel miles out of the way, He still travels with me.  In view of my (then) upcoming plans to go to Guatemala “alone”, this was incredibly encouraging.

P is for praying people like you.  When I sent out support letters I asked for prayer and financial support.  I think I cared more about the financial support initially.  But upon arriving in Guatemala and especially at Casita Benjamín, that changed.  I only needed financial support to get to, and be in Guatemala.  There wasn’t any point being in Guatemala, or in spending my days at Casita Benjamín if God wasn’t working in hearts and lives.  Thank you for both financial and prayer support.  It was so encouraging to send a prayer request or email update via email and receive a response that one, or many of you, were praying for me.

Quilts from the MBMO (the Mesa Baptist Missionary Outreach).  Before I left for Guatemala the MBMO gave me a whole bunch of beautiful quilts, some puppets, and lots of crafts to bring with me to Guatemala.  I had a lot of luggage.  These

quilts were so much fun to give as they’re just lovely looking.  But I was even more blessed to spend some time with a group of, mostly older women who, having lived lifetimes loving God, are still serving Him through making beautiful things for people in need.  *Genuine Smile*

Kissing puppets!

R is for readjusting/re-entry (to the U.S. and life here) which is turning out to be HARD.  I didn’t expect this at all!  My mom has asked me several times if I feel like I’m grieving.  Maybe.  More than grieving though, I think I feel guilty.  Guilty about not doing/being able to do everything I hoped while in Guatemala, guilty for having so many things that much of the world has been denied (like clean drinking water), guilty for not really wanting to ever live in Guatemala again (I’d definitely like to visit though).  I’m thankful to have spent the time there, but I’ve been praying since then that if God wants me to be a missionary overseas, would he please either send me as a married person with my husband, or single but with a very good friend who isn’t married either.  Please. There were some things about Guatemala that reminded me that, though Jesus is alive and powerful and someday soon every knee will bow and tongue confess Him, he’s still not the king of this world.  The king of this world hates people and hates their souls.

I saw this as I walked by people, napping in doorways or in the middle of the sidewalk, the often-present stench of human urine.  I saw this as I walked by people whose eyes were so glazed over I felt they were staring through me.  I saw this in chilling newspaper articles too, and crime scene tape.

“Therefore, since the children share in flesh and blood, He Himself likewise also partook of the same, that through death He might render powerless him who had the power of death, that is, the devil, and might free those who through fear of death were subject to slavery all of their lives.”  Hebrews 2:14-15

S is for Sprout and T is for Trees, particularly, Oaks of Righteousness.  I wrote this while in Guatemala and want to include it here.

“There are things I consider to be successes and well, let’s just say not successes about my time here.  I’m thankful that God knows when my actions have been for the praise of men, but at the same time, can still work through them.  I’m thankful to have had opportunities to share the gospel and I want to believe (and ask you to pray) that God won’t let His Word return to Him empty.  That even the smallest seeds, planted with the crummiest crumbs of faith, and watered with water that isn’t even good for drinking, will grow into little sprouts, and as soon as those little green shoots peek their heads above the dirt, the light of the Son, and the work of His

saints will grow these tiny sprouts...into Oaks of righteousness.”

[Some Casita Sprouts]

Visits.  My favorite times in Guatemala were when I had friends visiting.  My then boyfriend Jonathan and a good friend from high school, Sarah Dischinger, came to visit.  There were also three other interns–Allison, Erin and Amy–who came to Casita during the summer.  I can’t even tell you how wonderful it was to have these people there in Guatemala with me.  I wrote that it was hard to be a foreigner, but my experience as a foreigner improved by leaps and bounds when it was shared with others.  There is something drastically better about being with people.  There is also something unique and special about becoming instant roommates with someone you’ve never met, but have more in common with than you can imagine because you’re from the same country and you love the same God. Not to mention that Allison was a very encouraging summer running buddy!

Whole Family Together!   This morning Caleb drove my dad to the airport.  They said goodbye for a good long time.  God willing, Caleb will be in Jordan before my dad arrives back home.   In view of the uncertainty of when we will ever all be together again, these past few months were an extra special gift.  Praying with my dad, laughing hilariously with my mom, reading and raving about Robin Jones Gunn books with Anneliese, ping-pong with Noah, scheming and plotting with Ian, and full days spent at home with Caleb (and the stimulating conversations and general “kookiness” involved) are experiences too priceless to be taken for granted.

XYZ, examine your zipper.  In Spanish it’s more like “¡Zipper! ¡suba su zipper!”  I’m thankful for a handful of little boys, and sometimes girls, with zipper issues and for the many many times one of us had to tell them to please, zip up their zipper.  I’m thankful too for all those potty problems, illnesses and whatever else lends its way to show a child love through caring for them.

I can’t thank you enough for praying for me, writing to me, and supporting me financially during my time in Guatemala (and the time leading up to it and now).  As often as you think of it, please ask God to accomplish His purposes for these kids, that each one might come to love and know Jesus as Savior.

THANK YOU, thank you and muchisimas gracias for your partnership in the gospel.

May God shower you with His abundant life,

Heidi

Uriel, another one of the little sprouts at Casita Benjamín.  I was 18 and just out of high school when I first met Uri.  It was my first day at Casita Benjamín and I was nervous (underlined 3x).  Uri was wearing a little monkey shirt that read “You suck.”    When I came home from Guatemala I taped his picture on the dresser by my bed and prayed for him when I remembered to. I recently read something I’d written in my journal as I prepared to go back to Guatemala. 7/21/09: Just please take me to Guatemala before Uri grows up

A few days after arriving in Guatemala in February, Mike Glick (the missionary I interned with) his daughter Maria and I took a trip down to Casita Benjamín.  As we drove through Zone 3 I felt scared.  Seriously.  There is one particular corner you can drive by on your way to Casita Benjamín that just looks so bombed out.  At that point I was missing home (the people) so much and just sort of dreaded the next 8 months.  We arrived at Casita and went in.  I think we stopped to talk to someone when we entered but I really just remember that the first kid I recognized was Uriel.  He was in Seño Lili’s classroom, eating soup.  Thank you Father!