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Dealing With People You Can’t Stand
How to Bring Out the Best
in People at Their Worst
Dr. Rick Brinkman Dr. Rick Kirshchner
People aren’t difficult.
Their behaviors can be.
As learners and facilitators, we want to understand this difficult behavior…
…and engage these people in positive group dynamics
Outline of Presentation
1. Understand theory behind bad behaviors
2. Learn how to facilitate others who are exhibiting bad behaviors
3. Assess and reflect on your own bad behaviors
The Lens of Understanding: A magnifying lens on behaviors reveals the motives behind them
The Lens of Understanding: Everyone responds to situations with a different level of assertiveness:
Passive Aggressive
The Lens of Understanding: During a time of challenge, difficulty or stress, people move out of their comfort zone and their level of assertiveness become exaggerated:
Passive Aggressive More More
The Lens of Understanding
People Focus
Task Focus There are also
patterns to what people focus their attention on:
The Lens of Understanding
People Focus
Task Focus
Challenge, difficulty or stress also exaggerates this focus:
More
More
Passive Aggressive
People Focus
Task Focus
Normal Zone
The Normal Zone of behaviors
What determines focus and assertiveness?
Four general positive intents:
2. Get the task done 1. Get the task right
3. Get appreciation from people 4. Get along with people
Passive Aggressive
People Focus
Task Focus
Normal Zone
Get it right Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Four positive intents
Passive Aggressive
People Focus
Task Focus
Normal Zone
Get it right Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Gray Zone
Threats to positive intents cause an exaggerated Gray Zone of behaviors
Same priorities, No problem
A deadline is looming. Someone you work with on a project wants to get it done…
You both focus on the task. You are getting it done, and your communications are brief and to the point.
What happens when a person’s intent is not met?
A deadline is looming. Someone you work with on a project wants to get it done…
…They fear the project won’t get done and become more controlling
But you don’t focus on the task…
Get it right
Passive Aggressive
People Focus
Task Focus
Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Controlling
Same priorities, No problem
Someone you know wants to get appreciation for what he’s doing …
You let him know that you recognize his contribution with your enthusiasm and words of gratitude
What happens when a person’s intent is not met?
Someone you know wants to get appreciation for what he’s doing …
…They fear they won’t get approval and become more attention seeking
You don’t recognize his contribution…
Get it right
Passive Aggressive
People Focus
Task Focus
Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Attention Getting
Same priorities, No problem
You are in an argument with another person. You want to get along with that other person…
The other person communicates that both of your points of view are important. You both listen to each other and effectively resolve your argument..
…You don’t share your opinion but instead adopt theirs. becomes more approval seeking
What happens when a person’s intent is not met?
The other person strongly pushes their own point of view
You are in an argument with another person. You want to get along with that other person…
Get it right
Passive Aggressive
People Focus
Task Focus
Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Approval Seeking
Same priorities, No problem
Someone you work with wants to get it right…
You focus on the task, paying great attention to the details, and your reports to her are well documented.
What happens when a person’s intent is not met?
Someone you work with wants to get it right…
…She fears it will get done wrong and becomes more perfectionist.
You don’t share that focus on the task…
Get it right
Passive Aggressive
People Focus
Task Focus
Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Perfectionist
The Lens of Understanding
Passive Aggressive
People Focus
Task Focus
Get it right Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Controlling
Attention Getting
Approval Seeking
Perfectionist
The Lens of Understanding
Passive Aggressive
People Focus
Task Focus
Get it right Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Controlling
Attention Getting Approval Seeking
Perfectionist
???
The Lens of Understanding
Passive Aggressive
People Focus
Task Focus
Get it right Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Controlling
Attention Getting Approval Seeking
Perfectionist
Sniper Tank Know-it-all
The Lens of Understanding
Passive Aggressive
People Focus
Task Focus
Get it right Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Controlling
Attention Getting Approval Seeking
Perfectionist
???
The Lens of Understanding
Passive Aggressive
People Focus
Task Focus
Get it right Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Controlling
Attention Getting Approval Seeking
Perfectionist
Grenade Sniper Think They Know-it-all
The Lens of Understanding
Passive Aggressive
People Focus
Task Focus
Get it right Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Controlling
Attention Getting Approval Seeking
Perfectionist
???
The Lens of Understanding
Passive Aggressive
People Focus
Task Focus
Get it right Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Controlling
Attention Getting Approval Seeking
Perfectionist
Yes Person
Maybe Person
Nothing Person
The Lens of Understanding
Passive Aggressive
People Focus
Task Focus
Get it right Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Controlling
Attention Getting Approval Seeking
Perfectionist
???
The Lens of Understanding
Passive Aggressive
People Focus
Task Focus
Get it right Get it done
Get along Get appreciated
Controlling
Attention Getting Approval Seeking
Perfectionist
No Person
Nothing Person Whiner
Facilitation Activity:
Group Activity Steps: 1. Blending
2. Backtracking
3. Facilitation toward a goal
Group Activity Steps: 1. Blending – let the person
who is displaying a difficult behavior know that you understand their positive intent
Group Activity Steps: Backtracking – share some of the argument they made, using their words, to let the person know you have heard and understood them.
(You are not saying that you agree with them)
Group Activity Steps: Facilitation toward a goal – using the handouts, facilitate towards a goal using the strategies suggestion for each specific behavior
Group Activity Steps: 1. Blending
2. Backtracking
3. Facilitation toward a goal
Self-assessment for difficult behaviors: 1. Which ones?
2. When?
3. Strategies for self-management
Key Learnings:
People aren’t their behavior People demonstrate patterns of behavior People vs. task focus Passive vs. aggressive tendencies Balance is the key
Thank you.
