Days of Deepening Friendship-Easter

Vinita Hampton

Wright

For the Woman Who Wants Authentic Life with God

Days of Deepening Friendship

Other books by Vinita Hampton Wright

Nonfiction

The Soul Tells a Story: Engaging Creativity with Spirituality in the Writing Life

A Catalogue of Angels: The Heavenly, the Fallen, and the Holy Ones Among Us

The St. Thérèse of Lisieux Prayer Book

Simple Acts of Moving Forward: 60 Suggestions for Getting Unstuck

Fiction

Grace at Bender Springs

Velma Still Cooks in Leeway

The Winter Seeking

Dwelling Places

i_2811_DaysDeepFriend.indd 2 10/16/08 3:15:37 PM

Vinita Hampton

Wright




© 2009 Vinita Hampton WrightAll rights reserved

Scripture quotations contained herein are from the New Revised Standard Version Bible: Catholic Edition, copyright © 1993 and 1989 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the U.S.A. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations without chapter and verse reference are not direct quotes but paraphrases by the author.

Cover design by Kathryn Seckman KirschInterior design by Maggie HongAuthor photo by Jim Wright

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication DataWright, Vinita Hampton, 1958– Days of deepening friendship : for the woman who wants authentic life with God / Vinita Hampton Wright. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references (p. ). ISBN-13: 978-0-8294-2811-7 ISBN-10: 0-8294-2811-9 1. Catholic women—Religious life. 2. Spiritual life--Catholic Church. 3. Friendship—Religious aspects—Catholic Church. I. Title. BX2353.W75 2009 248.8’43—dc22 2008039971

Printed in the United States of America08 09 10 11 12 Versa 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1


www.loyolapress.com

For every womanwhose hunger for love

refuses to die


vii

Contents

What can this book do for you? 1Why friendship, and why now? 6

part one BeginningWhat has awakened your spiritual desire? 161 How have you managed your life so far? 202 What do you expect from this encounter? 263 Where have you come from? 324 Who, and what, comes with you? 395

part two HesitationHow do you approach God of the universe? 526 What do you bring to this friendship? 587 Why is it hard to come to God? 688 What happens if you fall apart? 759 What would it take to say yes to love? 8110


viii Contents

part three AwarenessWhat is your history with God? 8811 How can Jesus help your God-awareness? 9412 How do you live in the space you’re given? 10013 How will you react to the realities of time? 10914 What are your harmful attachments? 11815

part four ResistanceWhat is holding you back? 12616 Are you ready to be honest? 13217 What does it mean to be converted? 13918 How do you get in your own way? 14619 How will forgiveness change you? 15320

part five ConversationWhat has prayer been for you? 16221 How do you bring your whole self to prayer? 16822 Where is the Holy Spirit in this conversation? 17523 Is prayer a request or a response? 18224 What does it mean to pray with others? 18925

part six AttentionHow do you truly wake up? 19826 How do spiritual traditions aid attentiveness? 20427 What is significant about God as parent? 20928 What brings you desolation? 21629 30 What brings you consolation? 22330


Contents ix

part seven EngagementWhy are your gifts important? 23231 What can Jesus teach you about engagement? 24132 How does the Holy Spirit engage with you? 24933 How do you choose a way and follow it? 25834 How do joy and gratitude nourish your friendship? 26335

part eight LoveHow does listening express love? 27436 Why does your wisdom matter? 28037 What difference does imagination make? 28838 How do you nurture God? 29439 Why is passion important? 30040

How to use this book with small groups 309Acknowledgments 311Notes 313About the Author 317


81

chapter 10

What would it take to say yes to love?

Hear, O my people, while I admonish you;

O Israel, if you would but listen to me! . . .

I am the Lord your God,

who brought you up out of the land of Egypt.

Open your mouth wide and I will fill it.

Psalm 81:8, 10

In the days when Jim and I were first dating, I became uncom-fortable when he looked, or tried to look, into my eyes—you

know, the way people do in the movies, gazing into the depths of each other’s souls. For a long time I had wanted that sort of romantic scene in my life. And finally, here was this really nice guy trying to gaze across the table into my eyes, and I couldn’t take it. I’d look away or, worse, giggle like a girl trying to be coy. I didn’t want to be coy; I wanted this relationship to grow. But allowing this man to see me so directly was a new kind of


82 Hesitation

openness. It was unnerving to sense the energy that such con-nection created. I’m not talking so much about sexual energy; I wasn’t afraid of sex. It was the possibility of being truly known that threw me into a panic.

After years of longing for love, we might just find that when it shows up, we’re not the least bit ready for it. We’re not ready to think of ourselves as beautiful and capable of loving well. We’re not ready to open ourselves to all the possibilities of that rela-tionship—all the ways we might need to grow and get honest and maybe get hurt. Saying yes to love is exhilarating, but it can be terrifying, too. When we say yes, we relinquish any con-trol we thought we had. Yes introduces possibility. In yes there really is no limit, no wall to hit, no protective fences. Of course true love protects the object of its love, but the relationship itself enters a realm in which the potential for growth and exploration is endless.

Saying yes to divine love will always lead to something. It may compel us to change the way we look at life. Perhaps we’ve become very skilled at self-loathing. Saying yes to God’s love means that we’ll have to learn how to stop doing that. Saying yes to love means that, sooner or later, we will love whomever God loves—whether a member of our immediate family, a belligerent next-door neighbor, or some orphan or widow or prisoner. God’s love is a transforming energy.

So we say yes to God’s love. A door, reaching from here to heaven, swings open.

We are so accustomed to conditional love. Some of us expe-rienced this kind of love from one or both parents. Some of us have suffered under the conditions placed on our marriage


What would it take to say yes to love? 83

by our spouse, or we have crippled the marriage with our own conditional love. For most of us, love has limits, love runs out of steam, love trips and falls, love even turns ugly. Our human experience rarely prepares us for the love God is waiting to lav-ish upon us.

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boast-

ful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own

way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in

wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things,

believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.

—1 Corinthians 13:4–8

Saying yes to love means that we become more willing to take on impossible tasks in the name of love—tasks of healing and repairing, tasks of building and encouraging. It means that, in trying to do the impossible, we’ll fail more than we used to because we’re attempting to do more than we used to. God’s love suffers failure and discomfort for the sheer sake of loving. God’s love is not sidetracked by seasons of frustration and sor-row because love is worth every cost.

Saying yes to love means that we become more willing to be truly known, even though we suspect that some of what goes on inside us is not pretty. I often say that I thought I was a decent person—until I got married. Then it became clear who I’d really been all along: selfish and grasping, fearful, vindictive, judg-mental, irritable. Allowing another person to know me deeply has been a consistently humbling experience. Likewise, in being


84 Hesitation

known by God we are saying yes not only to love but also to humility.

All right, if I relent, if I say yes,

matters might just improve,

and I might even experience happiness,

which would be awkward for someone not

used to expecting much.

And also, if I say yes,

the day might disintegrate anyway

and drive home the truth that love

at its best will not always

make me happy,

which would be awkward for someone

so accustomed to measuring everything

by how easy it feels.


What would it take to say yes to love? 85

Here in the RoomDescribe a time when love compelled you to go out on a limb, to try to do what seemed hopeless or impossible.

When you read the passage from 1 Corinthians 13 cited in this chapter, what reaction did it evoke in you?

Copy down the following Scripture on an index card or other small paper you can carry:

I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.

—Jeremiah 31:3

For the next week, take this Scripture with you everywhere and read it several times a day.


311

Acknowledgments

T his is the book that I kept hoping would cross my edito-rial desk at Loyola Press. When nobody wrote that book,

I decided to write it myself. Thanks to a supportive team, I was able to do that in a relatively short time. Many thanks to my Loyola colleagues, especially Tom McGrath, Jim Campbell, and Terry Locke, whose early enthusiasm helped me stay the course.

Many wise women have shaped my life, writers such as Madeleine L’Engle and Emilie Griffin, publishing colleagues such as Lynn Vanderzalm and Phyllis Tickle, and soul friends such as Lil Copan and Cindy Crosby. (Each of these categories includes numerous others, but in trying to be comprehensive I would neglect someone, so I will leave it at this.) LaVonne Neff edited this book and provided exactly the touch it needed, so I am indebted to her now not only for her many years of friend-ship but for her analytic and intuitive wisdom as well. Rebecca Johnson, who did the copyedit, is on my list of Most Admired Women simply for who she is but also for adding her skills to this work.

I thank the many pastors, teachers, and church members who have walked alongside as I have learned to pay attention to


312 Acknowledgments

God’s love in my life. Especially important to the earlier years were Debbie, Mary, Trudy, Barbara, Dave, and Brother James. I’m grateful to the various people who informed the faith of my college days, and to the outstanding men and women I served with in Jordan years ago.

I am one of the most fortunate women on earth because I was loved early in life by women who had longstanding friend-ships with the Divine. I name Virginia Bevins and Lorraine Lee, grandmothers with good sense who knew how to pray and who had well-honed nonsense detectors in matters of faith and life in general. They are enjoying their friendship with God up close now, having passed this world’s confines. I name my mother, Virginia Hampton, who has lived her faith and love for more than seventy years and who has taught me how to embrace my life and enjoy the miracle of ordinary moments. I name my sisters, Valinda and Valerie, who know how to weather storms, speak the truth, and love well while laughing loudly. I name Vinita Jones, the Pentecostal preacher/pastor for whom I was named. I have never met another human being so capable of walking into a room and by a word or a smile convincing you that you are the absolute focus of God’s passionate love. Vinita died just a few years ago, and I’m beginning to suspect that she has passed along some sort of mantle to me, a job to do in this world that involves introducing others to the greatest Friend of all.


313

Notes

Emilie Griffin, 1. Clinging: The Experience of Prayer (Wichita, KS: Eighth Day Books, 2003), 1.

St. Teresa of Ávila, 2. The Way of Perfection, ch. 28, tr. E. Allison Peers, in Complete Works of St. Teresa, vol 2 (New York: Sheed & Ward, 1972), p. 114–15, quoted in The Lion Christian Meditation Collection compiled by Hannah Ward and Jennifer Wild (Oxford, England: Lion Publishing, 1998), 336–37.

Kerry Egan, 3. Fumbling: A Pilgrimage Tale of Love, Grief, and Spiritual Renewal on the Camino de Santiago (New York: Doubleday, 2004), 81.

Concepción Cabrera de Armida, 4. Before the Altar, trans. by Luisa Icaza de Medina Mora, intro by Most Reverend Donald W. Montrose (Mexico: Ediciones Cimiento, A.C., 1915, 1988), quoted in Prayers of the Women Mystics ed. by Ronda De Sola Chervin (Ann Arbor, MI: Servant Publications, 1992), 191.

Galatians 5:22–23.5.

Mechtild of Magdeburg, “True Sorrow,” from 6. The Soul Afire: Revelations of the Mystics (New York: Pantheon Books, 1944), 113, quoted in Silent Voices, Sacred Lives: Women’s Readings for


314 Notes

the Liturgical Year, by Barbara Bowe, et al. (New York: Paulist Press, 1992), 76.

Madeleine L’Engle, 7. Bright Evening Star: Mystery of the Incarna-tion (Colorado Springs, CO: Waterbrook Press, 1997), 21.

Sybil MacBeth, 8. Praying in Color: Drawing a New Path to God (Brewster, MA: Paraclete Press, 2007).

Luke 2:51.9.

Acts 13:1–3.10.

Evelyn Underhill, 11. Practical Mysticism (New York: E. P. Dutton & Company, 1915, accessed through Christian Classics Ethereal Library online edition, 2007), 11.

The Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius,12. translation and commen-tary by George E. Ganss (St. Louis: Institute of Jesuit Sources, 1992), 122.

Ibid.13.

Katherine Dyckman, Mary Garvin, and Elizabeth Liebert, 14. The Spiritual Exercises Reclaimed: Uncovering Liberating Possibilities for Women (New York: Paulist Press, 2001), 125–26.

Vinita Hampton Wright, 15. The Soul Tells a Story: Engaging Creativity with Spirituality in the Writing Life (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2005).

Ephesians 4:11–13.16.

I’ve read various books on the Spiritual Exercises and Ignatian 17. spirituality, but one book that summarizes well the aspects of good discernment is Chris Lowney’s Heroic Living: Discover Your Purpose and Change the World (Loyola Press, 2009), chapter 8.


Notes 315

Suzanna Wesley, quoted in 18. 2000 Years of Prayer, comp. Michael Counsell (Harrisburg, PA: Morehouse Publishing, 1999), 312.

Leila Ahmed, 19. A Border Passage: From Cairo to America—A Woman’s Journey (New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1999). See the full discussion on pages 120–131.

Moses: When Harriet Tubman Led Her People to Freedom,20. writ-ten by Carole Boston Weatherford, illustrated by Kadir Nelson (New York: Hyperion Books for Children, 2006).

Luke 11:27–28.21.


317

About the Author

Vinita Hampton Wright has been a book editor for nearly two decades and a retreat/workshop leader for eight years. Her most recent novel, Dwelling Places, won the Christianity Today award for Best Fiction of 2007. Her nonfiction books include The Soul Tells a Story: Engaging Creativity with Spirituality in the Writing Life; A Catalogue of Angels; The St. Thérèse of Lisieux Prayer Book; and Simple Acts of Moving Forward: 60 Suggestions for Getting Unstuck. Ms. Wright lives in Chicago with her hus-band, the photographer Jim Wright.


318

You Are Invited

If you would like to hear about and participate in online workshops conducted by Vinita Wright that would continue the experience you’ve been enjoying with Days of Deepening Friendship, sign up at www.loyolapress.com/vinita-retreats.htm. Loyola Press will be glad to send you notices as those online experiences are scheduled.


www.loyolapress.com/vinita-retreats.htm

Christianity/Inspiration $13.95 U.S.

ISBN-10: 0-8294-2811-9ISBN-13: 978-0-8294-2811-7

V H

W



Be your true self—and get ready for a dynamic friendship with the Divine.

It’s time for women of faith to quit apologizing—for who they are or who they’ve been, for what they feel and know, and for their

powerful ability to connect with spiritual reality. When a woman is free to be herself and to express to God—without fear—her loves, dreams, pains, and passions, she can embark upon a friendship that is stunning in its wisdom and delightful in its daily unfolding.

Using Scripture, meditations, stories, and written exercises, Days of Deepening Friendship encourages women to radically rethink their approach to friendship with God and to explore the deeper regions of this very special relationship. � roughout forty brief chapters, author and spirituality-workshop leader Vinita Hampton Wright taps the proven wisdom of Ignatian spirituality by employing prayer, imagination, action, and refl ection, making the book an ideal spiritual workshop for women.

Days of Deepening Friendship will free any woman to fl ing wide open the door to the Divine and become friends with the God who has loved her all along for who she really is.

V H W leads workshops around the country on the creative-spiritual process. She is the author of many books, including Simple Acts of Moving Forward, � e Soul Tells a Story, � e St. � érèse of Lisieux Prayer Book, and the novel Dwelling Places. She and her husband, Jim, live in Chicago.

Days of D

eepening FriendshipW

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