1. www.lifestage.org Conflict resolution is a core skill associated with emotional intelligence and success in the networked world Creative Thinking AboutInterpersonal Conflict and how to grow through it

2. Objectives1. Identify the benefits of healthy conflict to creating effectivepartnerships, teams and organizations.2. Understand the relationship between the capacity to engage in andresolve conflict and emotional intelligence3. Identify the mind and skill set associated with emotional intelligencethat enhances the capacity to use conflict to grow personally andcreatively. 3. Great human stories turn on conflict betweencharacters or conflict between the central character and powerful forces The questions that drive conflict:What do I want?What (or who) are the obstacles to getting what I want?What actions have I taken to overcome these obstacles?How do I engage with these obstacles?What story am I telling about these obstacles?How has engaging with these obstacles changed me?What thinking, beliefs, or conventions are challenged by thisconflict? 4. Conflict Is: InevitableImportantIlluminatingWant Collaboration? Accept And Actively Manage Conflict Harvard Business Review March 2005Healthy conflictadvances collaboration 5. Clashes betweenparties are thecrucibles in whichcreative solutionsare developed{ and wise trade-offs amongcompetingobjectives aremade.Want Collaboration? Accept AndActively Manage Conflict HarvardBusiness Review March 2005 6. The skills for working through conflict are crucial to personal andprofessional success and can be learned.The root cause of many-if not most-human problems lies in howpeople behave when others disagree with them about high-stakes,emotional issues. Research shows dramatic improvements inorganizational performance when people learned the skillsroutinely practiced by those who have found a way to masterthese high-stakes, crucial moments. Patterson, K., Greeny, J., McMillan, R., Switzler, A Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When TheStakes are High, 2nd edition, McGraw-Hill Books, 2012 7. Healthy conflict can increase trust, enhance mutual understandingand reveal hidden obstacles to growth 8. Addressing conflict has the potential to reveal hidden agendas, underlying tensions or personalhurts a process so emotionally-loaded it can seembetter to not do it at all. 9. When tensions build and conflict emerges in highly-charged or cool-to-the-point-of-freezing,encounters may not go well - reinforcing the idea that problems cannot be worked out. 10. The effects of conversations gone badcan be both devastating and far-reaching. Research shows thatstrong relationships, careers,organizations and communities alldraw from the same source of power-the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, controversialtopics.Patterson, K., Greeny, J., McMillan, R., Switzler, A Crucial Conversations: Tools For TalkingIt is what you say.When The Stakes are High, 2nd edition, McGraw-Hill Books, 2012And how you say it. 11. Conflict can trigger emotionalreactions that interfere with cognitiveprocesses and reasoned judgments 12. EmotionalIntelligence:its not (only) whatyou think.Its how you thinkabout what you feel 13. a multifactorial array ofinterrelated emotional,personal and social abilitiesthat influence our overallability to actively andeffectively cope with demandsand pressures.Bar-On, R., & Parker, J.D.A. (2000). The handbook of emotional intelligence. San Francisco: Joseyintelligence.Bass.Emotional Intelligence (EI) 14. The ability toEmotional Intelligence is involvedrecognize the in the capacity to perceivemeanings of emotion, assimilate emotion-emotions andproblem-solve onrelated feelings, understand thethe basis of them.information of those emotions andmanage them. Mayer, J.D., Salovey, P., &Caruso, D. (2000). Models of emotional intelligence. In R.J.Steinberg (Ed.), Handbook of intelligence. Cambridge, UK:Cambridge University Press.Consciously choosing to slow down emotionalreactions and focus internally allows thecreative mind to engage with the conflict. 15. Between stimulus and responseis a pause. And in that pause liesour freedom. Viktor Frankl 16. InterpersonalSkills Emotional self-regulationAssociatedWith Listening to and empathizingEmotionalwith othersIntelligence andCreative { Self-MotivationConflict Adapting to or initiatingResolution changeMayer, D.J. and Salovey, P. What is EmotionalIntelligence? In P. Salovey and A. Shiyter (Eds),Emotional Development and Emotional Intelligence: Effective CommunicationImplication for Educators, 3-31 Basic Books, NewEducators,York 1997. 17. Working with what seem to be minorissues creates ground rules for how to talk about bigger ones. What appear to be small problems in the present context cando large-scale damage when pressures intensify. When it comes to truth and justice there is no difference between the small and great problems. Whosoever fails to take small matters seriously in a spirit of truth cannot be trusted in greater affairs. Albert Einstein, notes from an address about the conflict between Israel and Egypt, written shortly before his death, from Brian, Denis The Unexpected Einstein, John Wiley & Sons, 2005: 156 18. We often tell ourselves a story about others real intent. These stories determine our emotional response.The Cost of Conflict Avoidance VitalSmarts Research , www.vitalsmarts.com 19. Reality is that which, when you stopbelieving in it, doesnt go away. Phillip K. Dick Conflict is the reality of other human beings, each with his psychological field, his own perceptions, his individual interests. If our misperception of others leads to conflict, the result will be either corrected perceptions or the striking of a balance enabling both parties to accommodate to the viewpoints that produced the conflict. R.J. Rummel Misperception, Cognitive Dissonance, Righteousness & Conflict Conflict In Perspective: Conflict Volume 3 Chapter 4 20. Emotionally Intelligent conflictcan promote the conditions for creative growthWhen you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well,you dont blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is notdoing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun.You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems withour friends or our family, we blame the other person. But ifwe know how to take care of them, they will grow well, likethe lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor doestrying to persuade using reason and argument.Ven Thich Nhat Hanh 21. Everyone involved in a conflict has anarrative about it. Getting each personsnarrative out in the open is necessary tofinding a way out of the impasse. There are three ways of dealing with difference:domination, compromise, and integration. Bydomination only one side gets what it wants; bycompromise neither side gets what it wants; byintegration we find a way by which both sidesmay get what they wish. Mary Parker Follett. 22. Emotionally intelligent conflict: Works to understand others perceptions;Involves showing that we understand others perceptions;Requires awareness of our own emotional reactions and triggers;Requires self-regulation of emotions;Occurs through respectful communication that deals with behaviorand is based on mutually-beneficial agreements;Reveals underlying tensions that block creative action; 23. .The key to real change lies in getting people to hold oneanother accountable to agreements. This is best achievedthrough dialogue in which we express our stories about what happened, listen to others stories and allow theinteractions to take the story in a new direction 24. Emotional Self-Regulation is the skillthat empowers us toconfront the right problem Master communicatorsBefore speaking up, stop manage their emotions by and ask yourself, What do I examining, questioning, andreally want here? What rewriting their story before problem do I want to speaking. resolve?The Cost of Conflict Avoidance VitalSmartsResearch , www.vitalsmarts.com 25. Be fully presentGive mindful attentionto what the otherperson is saying;Take in what the otherperson wants; {Take in what the otherperson believes about Show you care about the otheryou; person and his or her interests to disarm defensiveness and open upTry to understand whydialogue.the other person The Cost of Conflict Avoidance VitalSmarts Research , www.vitalsmarts.com believes what they do; 26. 1. Share your facts: I read this email about our meeting. 2. Tell your story: I thought we had reached a consensus at the meetingbut this email seems like an attempt to bypass what we decided. 3. Ask for others paths: Help me understand what your intention is forwriting this. What do you want to accomplish with this?4. Talk tentatively: In my opinion or Im wondering if.5. Encourage testing: I want to hear your views no matter how muchthey may differ from mine. Maybe Im missing something and I want usto be able to talk about anything regarding our work together.Patterson, K., Greeny, J., McMillan, R., Switzler, A Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When The Stakes are High, 2nd edition,McGraw-Hill Books, 2012: 136Skills for Emotionally Intelligent Dialogue 27. To Benefit From Criticism: Approach It Like A Scientist Dont respond immediately. Our first reaction will tend to bedefensive and dismissive of the criticism. Consider the criticism in a cool moment later. But in order to dothis it helps to: Spend time on a regular basis asking ourselves how I canimprove in my relationships? What do I need to know aboutmyself in order to grow? If this is an established habit, if weconsistently engage in honest dialogue with ourselves, it is morelikely we will be able to discern the difference between an attack, aprojection, and a valid criticism from which we can learn. Consider: what if what s/he said is true? Ask this question as ahypothetical and begin to explore the implications. How To Manage Criticism Alex Lickerman, MD www.creativitypost.com/psychology/how_to_manage_criticism 28. Even the most masterful initiation of dialogue can trigger anarray of defensive ploys: lying, threatening, stonewalling,crying, sarcasm, shouting, silence, accusing, taking offense,passive-aggression. The best approach is to move to themiddle: disarm the ploy by addressing it. For instance, if yourcounterpart has stopped responding to you, you can simplysay, "I dont know how to interpret your silence. Green, Sarah, DifficultConversations: 9 Common Mistakes, Harvard Business Review, www.hbr.org 29. Conflict may bring out game-changinginformation about relationships, teams and organizations.Seek common ground- if no common ground is possible, therelationship may have to change;Set clear boundaries and express expectations that can be a set pointfor future dialogue about the conflict;State the desired outcome in terms of behavior, e.g. What I want is forus to talk in person before involving others outside our team.If dialogue breaks down clearly state the consequences. Be sure that theconsequences are actionable.From: www.wittcom.com 30. Conflict can change everything.If we do it right, it can change usand add meaning to life.The meeting of twopersonalities is like thecontact of two chemicalsubstances;If there is any reaction, bothare transformed.Carl Jung 31. References and Resources Bar-On, RBar-On, R., & Parker, J.D.A. (2000). The handbook of emotionalintelligence. San Francisco: Josey Bass. ., Chade-Meng Tan, How Emotional Intelligence Can Help Resolve Conflicts andBuild Tough, Kind Leadershttp://knowledge.wharton.upenn.edu/articlepdf/2991.pdf?CFID=226357812&CFTO (Chade-Meng Tan is author of Search Inside Yourself: The Unexpected Path ToAchieving Success, Happiness and and World Peace, Brian, Denis The Unexpected Einstein, John Wiley & Sons, 2005: 156 Green, Sarah, Difficult Conversations: 9 Common Mistakes, Harvard BusinessReview, www.hbr.org Lickerman, Alex, MD How To Manage Criticismwww.creativitypost.com/psychology/how_to_man Mayer, J.D., Salovey, P & Caruso, D. R. (2004) Emotional Intelligence. Theory,findings, and implications. Psychological Inquiry, 15, 197-215. 32. Patterson, K., Greeny, J., McMillan, R., Switzler, A CrucialConversations: Tools For Talking When The Stakes are High, 2nd edition,McGraw-Hill Books, 2012R.J. Rummel Misperception, Cognitive Dissonance, Righteousness& Conflict Conflict In Perspective: Volume 3 Chapter 4The Cost of Conflict Avoidance VitalSmarts Research ,www.vitalsmarts.comWant Collaboration? Accept And Actively Manage ConflictHarvard Business Review March 2005References & Resources 33. To schedule a consultation to discuss onsite training for yourstaff or group contact Jude Treder-Wolff, LCSW, RMT, CGP at 631-366-4265.For more information about our programs, resources and articles checkout website and blog: www.livesinprogressnewsletter.blogspot.comwww.lifestage.org