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Conflict vs violence; conflict triangle; parent adult child scenario; trust; constructive feedback; appropriate language; confidentiality, neutrality & balance - Day 3
Conflict Resolution
Learning Objectives
• Recap on conflict learning from last week
• Recognising the difference between conflict and violence
• The conflict triangle & blame game
• Parent adult child • The importance of trust in conflict resolution
• Constructive feedback
• The use of appropriate language
• Confidentiality, neutrality and balance
Conflict or violence
Conflict can be both positive and negative but a violent act is intended to be negative and destructive.
Violence = The exertion of physical (or in some cases psychological) force that harms.
Conflict or Violence
Conflict Violence Normal part of human communication Socially unacceptable phenomena The goal is … to learn to deal with conflicts in a constructive way
The goal is … to reduce violence.
Successful conflict resolution is a social skills Violence does not teach social skills. This is the opposite it happens due to a lack of social skills
The essence of conflict – different interests of the parties involved
The goal of violence is humiliation of the other party
Conflict scan be solved by agreement, looking for a compromise or a solution that is acceptable to both parties
In the case of violence agreement is not possible as parties are not equal parties
Conflict happen (usually) by accident, occurring occasionally when there is a reason for conflict
Systemic, repeated behaviour which is not accidental
Conflict is unpleasant for both parties (usually) and a solution is a release for both
Unpleasant for one party
The balance of power is more equal between parties Unequal balance of power; those who are offenders have either physical or psychological dominance
Both parties value relationships There is no value on relationships; it would be hard to image that the abusee would want a relationship with the abuser
Both parties take responsibility for what has happened Abusers seldom admit that they have done wrong. Most of the time they believe that the abusee is guilty and their behaviour is a result of this.
The conflict triangle
Beliefs
The conflict triangle – attitude
Attitudes (A) of the conflicting parties, which tend to become more defensive or even hostile as the conflict escalates. In order to finally reach settlement of the conflict, the parties must first become aware of their attitudes and perceptions towards each other.
Attitude and your ladder of inference is linked
The conflict triangle – behaviour
Behaviour (B), but is very much affected by the behaviour of others. Insults or provocations make it more difficult to see the mutual benefit of ending a conflict. Therefore it is essential to find ways of tackling the negative behaviour in order to defuse the situation.
Do you behave as a parent, an adu1t or as a child in conflict situations
This affects how conflict
Starts
Progresses
&
The resolution
Parent, adult, child?
The conflict triangle- context
Context (C) within which the conflict is happening. Context is the ‘objective’ reality to which the conflict relates and the environment in which it takes place.
Includes - political, cultural, economical, historical background.
The conflict triangle is similar to the iceberg idea
Blame game
In the Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory which of the 5 styles use blame?
Why & how do
they do this?
What is the role of language in conflict resolution
When we are in conflict, how we express ourselves can make a big difference.
How we say something, our choice of words, can either escalate a conflict or de-escalate it.
What is the role of language in conflict resolution
Never use the phrase “its all your fault”
Pointing a finger with the word “you”
Avoid name calling or raising your voice
Avoid negative words – instead use positive words in negative form
Use of smaller or colloquial words soften statements
Trust
What is trust?
“An individual's belief in, and willingness to act on the basis of, the words, actions, and decisions of another.“
Distrust or a breach of trust is not merely the absence of trust, but is an active negative expectation regarding another (person).
Deutsch, M., Coleman, P.T. and Marcus, E.C. eds., 2011. p.87 The handbook of conflict resolution: Theory and practice. John Wiley & Sons.
Trust in Ireland
Trust in Ireland (Edelman)
3 Levels of trust
Levels of trust
Calculus based trust, that is, you have trust in people that they’ll do the right thing because the consequences for them not to do so would be harsh. That… to put it in a simple way, is just not nice. To know that people’s behaviour is driven by fear of punishment means that we’ll never be able to rely on them to go the extra mile. Knowledge based trust – from working with and knowing somebody The type of trust we’re looking to nurture in conflict resolution is identification-based trust, where people understand each others’ values and interests, and so can rely on others to act in their best interest.
4 main criteria for trust
Competence
Openness
Integrity
Reciprocity (refers to responding to a positive action with another positive action)
Are these present in conflict situations?
Can trust be rebuilt?
This is decided by the ‘target’ not the ‘breacher’
Trust Breacher What the ‘target’ may think and feel
Shock / surprise – who did this?
Integrity based breach - does the ‘target’ believe that the ‘breacher’ is not honest in one are or in all areas
Competence based breach, some hope if the ‘target’ is of the opinion that the incompetence can be managed or eliminated Benevolence based breach very difficult to rebuild
What was the reason… was it conscious? Was it deliberate / intended? Was it beyond their control?
Which part of their trustworthiness does it breach Their integrity / honesty? Their ability / competencies? Their benevolence – ‘looking out for others’
Can trust be rebuilt?
TRUST RENEWAL
Try the dual breach renewal approach
Person – internal Apology Admission (of wrong doing) Explanation Penance Change in behaviour
External control New structures Training / mentoring for change Third party involvement Sanctions / punishment
Can trust be taught for conflict resolution?
Trust is not a skill that can be taught – what is your thinking / feelings about this statement?
Trust develops over time and is based on our experiences of each other.
If trust is not present the results are likely to be negative
So when we are involved in conflict resolution what should we do?
Discussion where do …
Confidentiality,
neutrality
&
balance
fit into conflict resolution?
The speedometer in a car
• How fast you are going
• How fast you want to go
• How to use the accelerator pedal
We look for feedback all the time
All feedback both positive & negative / corrective is constructive feedback Often we enjoy giving positive feedback and can be less happy giving (negative) corrective feedback ... So in conflict situations it is important to be able to give feedback especially corrective feedback
Constructive feedback
The reason that people avoid giving corrective feedback is that they don’t really know how to do it. How many times have you been the recipient of someone sidling up to you, asking you if you “have a minute,” blurting out something that feels highly critical, although you’re not exactly sure what they’re talking about, and then scurrying away before you can ask them any questions? I’m guessing it’s happened to many of us a number of times.
Corrective feedback
How to give constructive feedback
Here’s what happens Describe the impact. Remember to use yourself – I find you - not you are – use I statements How can you do this differently – for negative / corrective feedback, ask the person themselves to suggest the change. For positive feedback - well done etc As soon as possible or ASAR Give feedback ASAP / ASAR for maximum benefit while bearing in mind what is appropriate here, in front of these people and am I the correct person to give it?
CORBS Feedback (giving & receiving) May I give you some feedback?
How to give constructive feedback
Start with May I give you some feedback? May I share something with you? Always ask – whether it is positive or negative feedback When you give feedback – talk about specific behaviour, as vague or complicated feedback increases anxiety.
Lack of negative / corrective feedback can result in:
• No change in behaviour
• Can cause a blow-up in the future
•The person is not properly equipped to deal
with situations
• Escalation in conflict at a later
stage
Lack of corrective feedback
From a conflict resolution perspective... What new knowledge What new tools & What new techniques Have you learnt this today?
Ask yourself…
