Assertiveness I:The Drama Triangle GameChapter 4.2.6

OverviewThis presentation explains “The Drama Triangle”, a model developed in the field of psychology to describe a very common pattern of behavior that keeps us playing games and going around in circles rather than really solving problems.

Being Helpful• Many of us are drawn to work with DB

people because we enjoy being helpful and have a sense of social justice.

• This is a strength.• Yet, this strength overplayed becomes

a weakness.• When we overdo being helpful, we take-

over from others inappropriately.

Being Nice• Many of us were taught to “be nice” and

not bother other people, not be pushy or self-centered. This is a strength.

• Again, this can be over-done. When it is overdone, a ‘nice’ person does not take care of their own needs.

• Yet, SSPs get tired, need to use the restroom, and so on. To ignore these needs is not healthy.

Self-Care• Similarly, self-care is a virtue but this

too can be overdone.• When we defend our boundaries and

guard our own space over-zealously, we can cross the boundaries of others or act in an aggressive way.

DramaWhen we let feelings carry us away and don’t focus on a problem analytically, we get all upset and there ensues “drama”.Feelings or emotions should be a signal to think through the problem: • If cold, turn up the heat, get a jacket, etc.• If worried about paying bills, get a raise,

take more work, cut back on spending, etc.Sometimes we would rather enjoy the drama.

Karpman & Steiner• There is a model of interaction called

“The Drama Triangle” • This model was developed by Stephen

Karpman and further developed by Claude Steiner, who applied it to dysfunctional relationships as interpreted by Eric Berne (Transactional Analysis).

• This model has been extremely helpful for interpreters and SSPs.

Conscious• The Drama Triangle (DT) ‘game’ is so

prevalent in society that it is present in virtually every group or class.

• The goal here is not to criticize (punish or persecute) ourselves for engaging in it, but to become conscious and change.

THE DRAMA TRIANGLE

The Drama TriangleThe theory of the Drama Triangle is that there are three basic roles to most ‘dramas’.

The classic roles are: • Victim • Persecutor• Rescuer

Think of the dramas we see in the movies, in books, and so on: the bad guy, the victim and the good guy.

Game• These ‘dramas’ are interesting, keep us

engaged, and get our adrenalin going.• Unfortunately, the roles also keep us

‘play-acting’and not being genuinely ourselves.

Game, cont.• We also do not solve the underlying

problems.• There are real victims and rescuers.• The Drama Triangle is about pseudo-

victims and rescuers, when we solve the problems of others that they can solve themselves.

3 Roles• When we are too nice (Rescuer) or feel

helpless (Victim) for too long, we get angry and seek pay-back – and become a Persecutor.

• The Persecutor hurts the other.• While there are three roles, the game is

often played with just two people who interchange roles (Rescuer-Persecutor / Victim-Persecutor).

Passive-Aggressive• We may triangulate, bringing in a third

party.• By whining and complaining to others,

we both act as a (pseudo)-Victim and punish the offender (Persecutor) at the same time.

• We may make sarcastic comments that are meant to be humorous on the surface but also intended to hurt.

For Example• The SSP is always late (pseudo-Victim).• The DB person says nothing (Rescuer).• After months of this, the DB person

takes longer and longer to do the tasks, making the SSP late on the other end (Persecutor).

Another Example• The DB person has a guide-dog, but

does not pick up the dog’s waste even when they are in public places (Victim).

• The SSP says nothing & picks up the poop, even though this is odious to him (Rescuer).

• Eventually, the SSP tells the coordinator he will not work with that DB person any more (passive-aggressive).

ASSERTIVENESS AS PROBLEM SOLVING

Feeling vs. Problem Solving• Every time we get stuck in our feelings

without thinking about what the problem is, or who owns the problem (whose problem is it?), we are playing a game.

• Every time we complain about our problem – instead of looking for a solution – we are playing this game.

• Feelings should prompt us to think and problem-solve.

PERSONAL PROBLEMS VS.

SYSTEMIC PROBLEMS

Personal Problems vs.Systemic Problems• Some problems are small and personal

(e.g. “I’m taking too much work, I need to re-think my schedule”).

• Other problems are big and societal (e.g. unemployment, the education system, or no regular financial support for SSP services).

Solutions• When the problems are personal or

inter-personal we can solve them ourselves with the help of our friends.

• When they are societal, we must work together to solve them.

• What is not helpful is getting stuck in the Drama Triangle, playing a game.

Mixed• Models are pure while reality is mixed.• A DB person maybe both a real victim

of a lack of resources as well as play Victim by not participating in efforts to resolve this lack of resources.

Example• An elderly DB woman is finding it

increasingly difficult to live

independently. She complains (Victim) to her SSP. The SSP volunteers more often, trying to help (Rescue) and complains to other SSPs that the agency serving her does nothing (Persecutor).

• Clearly, this depends on interpretation. Is the DB woman ‘complaining’ as Victim, or asking for time to problem-solve?

Self-Reflection• Think about the times you have done

more than you really wanted to, have felt taken advantage of, played Victim, gossiped or ‘gone-off’ on someone inappropriately.

• What would have been a better, healthier approach?

DiscussionTake a break, get into groups and discuss what you have just learned. Does it make sense? How does it fit with your experiences? Do you sometimes play this game in your family?

Discussion Part IIHow might this game play out in an SSP-DB person relationship? Without revealing confidential or private information, talk about your experiences (or the experiences of others that you know about) relating to SSP work.

Conclusion• It is critical that SSPs become assertive

vs. Rescuing or taking over for DB people.• On the other hand, there is no conflict in

providing information to DB people that they can use to solve their own problems.

• It is not a conflict to volunteer when it will not cause undue hardship on the SSP.

• Assertiveness is mutually respectful.