Cats

By T. S. Eliot (words), Andrew Lloyd Webber (music)

This text follows the 1998 movie version of Cats. Other versions may be slightly different.

OVERTURE (DVD1)

PROLOGUE (DVD2)

All: Are you blind when you’re born?1 Can you see in the dark?Can you look at a king?2 Would you sit on his throne?3

Can you say of your bite that it’s worse than your bark?4

Are you cock of the walk5 when you’re walking alone?

Because Jellicles are And Jellicles do! Jellicles do and Jellicles would! Jellicles would and Jellicles can! Jellicles can and Jellicles do!

When you fall on your head, do you land on your feet?Are you tense when you sense there’s a storm in the air?6

Can you find your way blind7 when you’re lost in the street?Do you know how to go to the Heaviside Layer?

Because Jellicles can And Jellicles do! Jellicles do and Jellicles can! Jellicles can and Jellicles do!

1 Are you blind when you’re born? Kittens are blind when they are born and only start to see after about a week.2 Can you look at a king? This is a reference to the English proverb, “a cat may look at a king,” which means “I’m as good as you.” The point of the proverb is that the cat shows no respect for the king, and just stares at him. 3 Would you sit on his throne? This is an extension of the previous question. The suggestion is that humans would not dare to sit on the king’s throne: but a cat would. 4 That it’s worse than your bark? This is a reference to the English proverb, “his (or her) bark is worse than his (or her) bite,” meaning that someone sounds threatening and aggressive, but will not really hurt you. The proverb was inspired by dogs that bark at people a lot, but will not bite them. The point here, of course, is that a cat’s bite is always worse than its bark!5 Cock of the walk = the leader, the master. Cocks will always fight each other, so there can only be one “cock of the walk” at any one time. 6 A storm in the air = a storm coming, a storm close. This refers to the ability of cats to sense changes in the weather. 7 Blind = without information or assistance. This refers to the ability of cats to always find their way home.

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Jellicles do and Jellicles can! Jellicles can and Jellicles do!

Can you ride on a broomstick1 to places far distant?Familiar with candle? With book and with bell?2

Were you Whittington’s friend?3 The Pied Piper’s assistant?4

Have you been an alumnus5 of heaven and hell?

Are you mean like a minx?6 Are you lean like a lynx?Are you keen to be seen when you’re smelling a rat?7

Were you there when the pharaohs commissioned the sphinx?8

If you were, and you are, you’re a Jellicle Cat. Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats! Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!

We can dive through the air like a flying trapeze,9

We can turn double somersaults, bounce on a tire;We can run up the wall, we can swing through the trees, We can balance on bars, we can walk on a wire.

Jellicles can and Jellicles do!Jellicles can and Jellicles do!Jellicles can and Jellicles do!Jellicles can and Jellicles do!

1 On a broomstick. I.e. like a witch’s cat2 Familiar with candle? With book and with bell? A witch’s cat was often referred to as her “familiar (spirit).” Candles, books (religious books), and bells were all used by priests to excommunicate people from the Christian church. Witches did not mind being excommunicated, as they considered themselves to be following the true, ancient religion (witchcraft); they therefore used candles, books, and bells as symbols of their own, unChristian power. 3 Whittington’s friend. Whittington is Richard (“Dick”) Whittington, an Englishman who died in 1423. Though he was a real person, there are many (fictional) stories and legends told about him. When he was a young man he set out to London to make his fortune, accompanied by his faithful cat. The cat appears in many of the later Whittington stories. 4 The Pied Piper’s assistant. The Pied Piper is a rat-catcher in an old German story from the 1200s. The Pied Piper killed rats by playing a pipe and luring them into a river where they drowned. The Pied Piper does not have a cat in any of the old Pied Piper stories, but here it is stated that he did!5 An alumnus = a former student. 6 A minx = a manx cat (a cat that acts a little bit like a dog). 7 When you’re smelling a rat. In English “to smell a rat” is an idiom, meaning “to know that something is wrong.” The joke, of course, is that cats literally smell rats!8 When the pharaohs commissioned the sphinx. I.e. in ancient Egypt. Cats were domesticated in ancient Egypt and played an important part in ancient Egyptian culture. 9 Like a flying trapeze = like a circus performer on a flying trapeze.

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Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats! Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!

Can you sing at the same time in more than one key?Duets by Rossini1 and waltzes by Strauss?2

And can you (as Cats do) begin with a “C”3

That always triumphantly brings down the house?4

Jellicle cats are queens of the nights,Singing at astronomical heights;5

Handling pieces from The MessiahHallelujah, angelical choir! Jellicle cats are queens of the nights,Singing at astronomical heights; Handling pieces from The MessiahHallelujah, angelical choir!

The mystical divinity of unashamed felinity6

Round the cathedral rang “Vivat!”7

Life to the everlasting CAT!

Feline, fearless, faithful and trueTo others who do—what …

Jellicles do and Jellicles can! Jellicles can and Jellicles do! Jellicle Cats sing Jellicle chants! Jellicles old and Jellicles new! Jellicle song and Jellicle dance! Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats! Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats! Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats! Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!

1 Rossini = Gioachino Antonio Rossini (1792-1868), a famous Italian opera composer. 2 Strauss = Johann Strauss (1825-99), the most famous writer of waltzes. 3 Begin with a “C” = begin singing on a “C” note. This is another joke, as of course the word “Cat” or “Cats” begins with a “C.”4 Brings down the house = makes the audience in the theatre (“the house”) go wild with excitement and appreciation. The idea is that the applause of the audience is loud enough to make the theatre collapse. 5 At astronomical heights = with incredibly high voices. 6 The mystical divinity of unashamed felinity = the mystical god of cats. These three lines about a kind of cat “religion” are unexpected, but seem to have developed from the previous idea of the cats singing the religious music of The Messiah. The idea of a cat “religion” is very important in the musical Cats, but not in T. S. Eliot’s original cat poems. 7 Vivat! = long life (to the cat)! (May the cat live a long life!)

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Practical cats, dramatical cats,1

Pragmatical cats, fanatical cats,Oratorical cats, delphioracle cats,2

Skeptical cats, dispeptical cats,3

Romantical cats,4 pedantical cats,Critical cats, parasitical cats,Allegorical cats, metaphorical cats,5

Statistical cats and mystical cats,Political cats, hypocritical cats,Clerical cats, hysterical cats,Cynical cats, rabbinical cats—6 Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats! Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!

Asparagus: There’s a man over there with a look of surprise,As much as to say, “Well now, how about that!”7

Munkustrap: Do I actually see with my own very eyesA man who’s not heard of a Jellicle Cat?What’s a Jellicle Cat?

All: What’s a Jellicle Cat? What’s a Jellicle Cat?

THE NAMING OF CATS8 (DVD 3)

All: The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter,It isn’t just one of your holiday games;9

You may think at first I’m as mad as a hatter10

When I tell you, a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES.First of all, there’s the name that the family use daily,11

1 Dramatical cats = theatrical cats (cats who like acting). 2 Delphioracle cats = wise cats. “Delphioracle” is a made up word from “Delphic Oracle,” i.e. the oracle at Delphi. The oracle at Delphi gave advice to people in ancient times. 3 Dispeptical cats = cats with dyspepsia, or indigestion. 4 Romantical cats = romantic cats. 5 Allegorical cats, metaphorical cats. I.e. cats which are not “real,” and which only exist in allegory and metaphor. 6 Rabbinical cats = Jewish cats (in the Jewish religion priests are called rabbis). 7 “Well now, how about that!” = “good gracious! what a surprise!” The “man” is obviously amazed to see the cats singing and dancing together. 8 This was the first poem in T. S. Eliot’s Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats.9 One of your holiday games. A reminder that the Cats poems were written for children. 10 As mad as a hatter = crazy. 11 Daily = every day.

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Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James,Such as Victor or Jonathan, George or Bill Bailey—All of them sensible everyday names. There are fancier1 names if you think they sound sweeter,Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames:2

Such as Plato, Admetus, Electra, Demeter—But all of them sensible everyday names. But I tell you, a cat needs a name that’s particular,3

A name that’s peculiar, and more dignified,Else4 how can he keep up his tail perpendicular,Or spread out his whiskers,5 or cherish his pride? Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,6

Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo, or Coricopat,Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellylorum—Names that never belong to more than one cat.

But above and beyond there’s still one name left over,7

And that is the name that you never will guess;The name that no human research can discover—But THE CAT HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess.8 When you notice a cat in profound meditation,The reason, I tell you, is always the same:His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplationOf the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name: His ineffable effable9 Effanineffable10

Deep and inscrutable singular Name,Name … Name … Name … Name … Name … Name …

THE INVITATION TO THE JELLICLE BALL

Mr. Mistoffelees: Jellicle Cats come out tonight,Jellicle Cats come one come all:11

1 Fancier = more unusual, more posh. 2 Dames = ladies. 3 Particular = unique (to that cat). A name that no other cat has. 4 Else = otherwise. 5 Keep up his tail perpendicular, / Or spread out his whiskers. According to the poem, these gestures show the cat’s happy pride in itself—a pride which derives from the fact that it has a unique name. 6 A quorum = many examples. 7 Left over = that hasn’t been mentioned yet. 8 Confess = reveal (to anyone else). 9 Ineffable effable. If something is “effable” it is capable of being expressed in words. If something is “ineffable” it cannot be expressed in words. This line is joking paradox, as the “effable” name of the cat is described as “ineffable.”10 Effanineffable. This is a made up word, combining “effable” with “ineffable,” and perhaps “feline,” too.11 Come one come all = come everyone; all of you come.

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The Jellicle Moon is shining bright—Jellicles come to the Jellicle Ball. Jellicle Cats come out tonight,Jellicles come to the Jellicle Ball.

Munkustrap: Jellicle Cats meet once a year,At the Jellicle Ball where we all rejoice;And the Jellicle Leader will soon appear,And make what is known as the Jellicle Choice.When Old Deuteronomy, just before dawn,Through a silence you feel you could cut with a knife,1

Announces the cat who can now be rebornAnd come back to a different Jellicle Life.For waiting up there is the Heaviside LayerFull of wonders one Jellicle only will see.And Jellicles ask, because Jellices dare: Who will it be?

All: Who will it be?

THE OLD GUMBIE CAT (DVD4)

Munkustrap: I have a Gumbie2 Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots;Her coat is of the tabby kind, with tiger stripes and leopard spots.3

All day she sits beneath the stair or on the steps or on the mat:She sits and sits and sits and sits—and that’s what makes a Gumbie Cat!That’s what makes a Gumbie Cat!

Female Chorus: But when the day’s hustle and bustle is done,4

Jennyanydots Then the Gumbie Cat’s work is but hardly begun.5

And when all the family’s in bed and asleep,She tucks up her skirts to the basement to creep.6

She is deeply concerned with the ways7 of the mice—Their behaviour’s not good and their manners not nice;So when she has got them lined up on the matting,She teaches them music, crocheting8 and tatting.9

1 Through a silence you feel you could cut with a knife = through a very tense silence. 2 Gumbie. This is a made up word, and we have to read the poem to discover what a “Gumbie Cat” is. 3 Tiger stripes and leopard spots = stripes like a tiger and spots like a leopard. 4 Hustle and bustle is done = busy activity is finished. 5 Is but hardly begun = has only just begun. 6 To the basement to creep = and creeps to the basement. 7 With the ways = about the behaviour. 8 Crocheting = crochet. 9 Tatting = making a particular kind of lace.

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Munkustrap: I have a Gumbie Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots;The curtain-cord1 she likes to wind, and tie it into sailor-knots2

She sits upon the window-sill, or anything that’s smooth and flat:She sits and sits and sits and sits—and that’s what makes a Gumbie Cat!That’s what makes a Gumbie Cat!

Female Chorus: But when the day’s hustle and bustle is done,Jennyanydots Then the Gumbie Cat’s work is but hardly begun.

She thinks that the cockroaches just need employmentTo prevent them from idle and wanton destroyment.3

So she’s formed, from that lot of disorderly louts,A troop of well-disciplined, helpful boy-scouts,4

With a purpose in life and a good deed to do—And she’s even created a Beetles’ Tattoo.5

Squad salute!

All: For she’s a jolly good fellow!6

Jennyanydots: Thank you my dears!

THE RUM TUM TUGGER (DVD 5)

All: The Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat.

Rum Tum Tugger: If you offer me pheasant I’d rather have grouse.If you put me in a house I would much prefer a flat,7

If you put me in a flat then I’d rather have a house.If you set me on8 a mouse then I only want a rat,If you set me on a rat then I’d rather chase a mouse.

All: The Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat—

Rum Tum Tugger: And there isn’t any call9 for me to shout it:

All: For he will do

1 Curtain-cord = a rope used to draw the curtains. 2 Sailor-knots = the sort of complex knots made by sailors. Sailors were thought to be expert at knotting, as tying various kinds of knots was so important on a ship. 3 Idle and wanton destroyment = idly and wantonly destroying things. 4 Boy-scouts. The “Boy Scout” movement was started in England in 1907. It was an organization for boys, designed to teach them useful skills. 5 Tattoo = a military-style parade, performed as an entertainment. 6 For she’s a jolly good fellow! This is a standard expression used to praise someone of either sex (in other contexts a “fellow” is a man). “Jolly” here means “very.”7 A flat = an apartment. 8 Set me on = make me chase. 9 Call = need.

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As he do do1

Rum Tum Tugger: And there’s no doing anything about it!2

Mr. Mistoffolees: The Rum Tum Tugger is a terrible bore:

Rum Tum Tugger: When you let me in,3 then I want to go out;I’m always on the wrong side of every door,4

And as soon as I get home, then I’d like to get about.5

I like to lie in a bureau drawer,But I make such a fuss if I can’t get out.

All: The Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat—

Rum Tum Tugger: And there isn’t any use for you to doubt it:6

All: For he will do As he do do

Rum Tum Tugger: And there’s no doing anything about it!

Bombalurina: The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious beast:

Rum Tum Tugger: My disobliging ways are a matter of habit.7

If you offer me fish8 then I always want a feastWhen there isn’t any fish then I won’t eat rabbit9

If you offer me cream then I sniff and sneerFor I only like what I find for myself—no! So you’ll catch me in it10 right up to my ears,If you put it away on the larder shelf.

All: The Rum Tum Tugger is artful and knowing,11

The Rum Tum Tugger—

1 For he will do / As he do do = for he always acts in his own way (without thinking about anyone else). 2 And there’s no doing anything about it! = and you can’t do anything about it! (you can’t change me!). 3 In = into the house. 4 I’m always on the wrong side of every door = I always want to be on the other side of a door. 5 Get about = go off again. 6 And there isn’t any use for you to doubt it = and there’s no point you doubting it. 7 My disobliging ways are a matter of habit = I’m habitually uncooperative. 8 Fish = expensive food, so a small meal. 9 Rabbit = cheap food, so a large meal. 10 In it = in the cream. 11 Artful and knowing = cunning and clever.

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Rum Tum Tugger: —doesn’t care for a cuddle;1

So I’ll leap in your lap in the middle of your sewing,For there’s nothing I enjoy like a horrible muddle.2

All: The Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat—The Rum Tum Tugger doesn’t care for a cuddle.

The Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat—

Rum Tum Tugger: And there isn’t any need for me to spout it:3

All: For he will do As he do do

Rum Tum Tugger: And there’s no doing anything about it!

GRIZABELLA: THE GLAMOUR CAT4 (DVD6)

Grizabella: Remark the Cat who hesitates towards you,5

In the light of the door which opens on her like a grin.6

You see the border of her coat is torn and stained with sand;And you see the corner of her eye twist like a crooked pin.

Demeter: She haunted many a low resort7

Near the grimy road of Tottenham Court.8

She flitted about the no man’s land9

From “The Rising Sun” to “The Friend at Hand.”10

And the postman sighed as he scratched his head:“You’d really had thought11 she’d ought to be dead.”And who would ever suppose that that Was Grizabella the Glamour Cat?12

1 Care for a cuddle = like being cuddled.2 There’s nothing I enjoy like a horrible muddle = my favourite thing is a terrible muddle. 3 Spout it = boast about it. 4 This poem was not included in Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats as T. S. Eliot decided that it was unsuitable for children. 5 Remark the Cat who hesitates towards you = look at the cat who moves towards you, hesitantly. 6 Like a grin. I.e. the light coming out through the door reminds Grizabella of a “grin”—not a smile. 7 She haunted many a low resort = she spent her time around many “low resorts.” “Low resorts” is an unspecific term, but refers mainly to cheap drinking places where poor people would drink. 8 Tottenham Court = Tottenham Court Road is in central London. In the past, as this poem suggests, it was the centre of a poor, run-down area of the city. 9 No man’s land = a place that seems to belong to nobody. 10 “The Rising Sun” … “The Friend at Hand” = the names of pubs. 11 You’d really had thought = you really would think. 12 The Glamour Cat. This is the only clue we get about Grizabella’s past (and the question why the other cats spurn her), except that she later says she used to be beautiful. Think about the different meanings of “glamour.”

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Bombalurina: Grizabella the Glamour Cat.

Demeter and Bombalurina: Grizabella the Glamour Cat.

All: Who would ever suppose that thatWas Grizabella the Glamour Cat?

BUSTOPHER JONES: THE CAT ABOUT TOWN (DVD7)

Jennyanydots: Bustopher Jones is not skin and bones—1

Bombalurina In fact, he’s remarkably fat.Jellylorum He doesn’t haunt pubs—he has eight or nine clubs,2

For he’s the St. James’s Street3 Cat! He’s the Cat we all greet as he walks down the streetIn his coat of fastidious black:No commonplace mousers4 have such well-cut trousersOr such an impeccable back. In the whole of St. James’s the smartest of names isThe name of this Brummell of Cats;5

And we’re all of us proud to be nodded or bowed toBy Bustopher Jones in white spats!6

Male Chorus: In the whole of St. James’s the smartest of names isThe name of this Brummell of Cats;And we’re all of us proud to be nodded or bowed toBy Bustopher Jones in white spats!

Bustopher Jones: My visits are occasional to the Senior Educational7

And it is against the rulesFor any one Cat to belong both to thatAnd the Joint Superior Schools.For a similar reason, when game is in season8

I am found, not at Fox’s, but Blimp’s;I am frequently seen at the gay Stage and ScreenWhich is famous for winkles and shrimps.

1 Skin and bones = very thin (a common idiom). 2 He doesn’t haunt pubs—he has eight or nine clubs. The point is that Bustopher does not go to pubs, which are open to anybody, but to clubs, which are open to members only. They serve both food and drink. London still has many “gentleman’s clubs” for members only—mainly designed for rich customers. 3 St. James’s Street. St. James is one of the smartest and wealthiest parts of London. 4 Commonplace mousers = ordinary cats (a “mouser” is literally an animal that catches mice). 5 This Brummell of Cats. This is a reference to George Bryan Brummell (1778-1840), a famous British “dandy,” who was considered the most fashionable man of his time. He created new fashions for men. 6 Spats = short gaiters, reaching only a little way above the ankle. 7 The Senior Educational. The italicized names in this verse are the names of the London clubs Bustopher goes to. 8 When game is in season. “Game” refers to wild animals and birds killed by hunting, then eaten. There were legal restrictions on when game could be hunted; therefore it was not always “in season.”

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In the season of venison I give my ben’son1

To the Pothunter’s succulent bones;And just before noon’s not a moment too soonTo drop in for a drink at the Drones.When I’m seen in a hurry there’s probably curryAt the Siamese—or at the Glutton;If I look full of gloom then I’ve lunched at the TombOn cabbage, rice pudding and mutton.

All: In the whole of St. James’s the smartest of names isThe name of this Brummell of Cats;And we’re all of us proud to be nodded or bowed toBy Bustopher Jones in white,Bustopher Jones in white,Bustopher Jones in white spats!

Jennyanydots: So, much in this way,2 passes Bustopher’s day—Bustopher Jones At one club or another he’s found.

It can be no surprise that under our eyesHe has grown unmistakably round.He’s a twenty-five pounder,3 or I am a bounder,4

And he’s putting on weight everyday: But I’m so well preserved5 because I’ve observed6

All my life a routine, and I’d sayI am still in me prime,7 I shall last out my time8

That’s the word from the stoutest of Cats.

All: It must and it shall be Spring in Pall MallWhile Bustopher Jones wears whiteBustopher Jones wears whiteBustopher Jones wears white spats!

Bustopher Jones: Toodle pip!9

There is a sudden disturbance.

Demeter: Macavity!

1 Ben’son = benison = blessing. Bustopher means that he eats, and enjoys, the venison (at the Pothunter). 2 Much in this way = as we have described it. 3 He’s a twenty-five pounder = he weighs twenty-five pounds (about 11 kilos). 4 A bounder = someone who is not a gentleman. The word is inappropriate in the musical Cats, where the poem is sung by Jennyanydots; but it makes sense in Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats. 5 So well preserved = in such good shape. 6 Observed = followed. 7 In me prime = in the healthiest and most intellectually vigorous part of my life. 8 Last out my time = live a full-length life. Bustopher means that he will not die early just because he is fat. 9 Toodle pip! = goodbye! (A very posh way of saying “goodbye.”)

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MUNGOJERRIE AND RUMPELTEAZER (DVD8)

Mungojerrie: Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer: we’re a notorious couple of cats.Rumpelteazer As knockabout1 clowns, quick-change comedians,2 tight-rope walkers

and acrobatsWe have an extensive reputation. We make our home in Victoria

Grove—3

This is merely our centre of operation, for we are incurably given torove.4

When the family assembles for Sunday dinner,With their minds made up that they won’t get thinnerOn Argentine joint,5 potatoes and greens,And the cook will appear from behind the scenesAnd say in a voice that is broken6 with sorrow:“I’m afraid you must wait and have dinner tomorrow!For the joint has gone from the oven—like that!”Then the family will say: “It’s that horrible cat!Was it Mungojerrie—or Rumpelteazer!”—And most of the time they

leave it at that.7

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer have a wonderful way of workingtogether.

And some of the time you would say it was luck, and some of the timeyou would say it was weather.8

We go through the house like a hurricane, and no sober person couldtake his oath9

Was it Mungojerrie—or Rumpelteazer? or could you have sworn that itmight have been both?10

And when you hear a dining-room smash11

Or up from the pantry there comes a loud crashOr down from the library there comes a loud ping

1 Knockabout = rough, noisy. 2 Quick-change comedians = comedians who quickly switch from one role to another.3 Victoria Grove = a smart area in the wealthy “West End” of London. Several details in this poem make it clear that Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer live with a wealthy family. 4 We are incurably given to rove = we cannot help roaming (beyond Victoria Grove). 5 Argentine joint = beef from Argentina. 6 Broken = hoarse. 7 They leave it at that = they don’t investigate further. (They don’t try to establish which of the two cats it was.)8 It was weather = it was because of favourable conditions (i.e. the two cats were successful because the weather cooperated with their plans). 9 Take his oath = be sure (which cat it was). 10 Or could you have sworn that it might have been both? = or can you be sure it wasn’t both cats together? 11 A dining-room smash = the noise of something being broken in the dining-room.

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From a vase that was commonly said to be Ming—1

Then the family will say: “Now which was which cat?It was Mungojerrie! AND Rumpelteazer!”—And there’s nothing at all to

be done about that!

OLD DEUTERONOMY (DVD9)

Mr. Mistoffelees: Old Deuteronomy?

Coricopat and Tantomile: I believe it is old Deuteronomy.

All: Well, of all …Things2 … Can it be … really! …Yes! … No! Ho! Hi!3 Oh, my eye!4

My mind may be wandering,5 but I confessI believe it is Old Deuteronomy!

Munkustrap: Old Deuteronomy’s lived a long time;He’s a Cat who has lived many lives in succession.He was famous in proverb and famous in rhyme6

A long while before Queen Victoria’s accession.7

Rum Tum Tugger: Old Deuteronomy’s buried nine wivesAnd more—I am tempted to say, ninety-nine;And his numerous progeny8 prospers and thrivesAnd the village9 is proud of him in his decline.10

Munkustrap: At the sight of that placid and bland physiognomy,11

When he sits in the sun on the vicarage wall, The Oldest Inhabitant croaks:

Munkustrap: Well, of all …Rum Tum Tugger Things … Can it be … really! …Yes! … No!

Ho! Hi! Oh, my eye!My mind may be wandering, but I confessI believe it is Old Deuteronomy!

1 Ming = produced in China during the Ming dynasty (1368-1644). In other words, an old, valuable vase. 2 Well, of all … / Things = good gracious, what a surprise. 3 Ho! Hi! = look!4 Oh, my eye! = am I really seeing this? 5 May be wandering = may not be working properly.6 He was famous in proverb and famous in rhyme = proverbs and poems were made about him. 7 Queen Victoria’s accession = the year when Queen Victoria became Queen (1837). 8 Progeny = descendents (children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren …). 9 The village. Unlike the other Jellicle cats, it seems that Old Deuteronomy lives in a village outside London.10 In his decline = in his old age (when he is not as strong and active as before). 11 Physiognomy = (Old Deuteronomy’s) face.

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All: Well, of all …Things … Can it be … really! …Yes! … No! Ho! Hi! Oh, my eye!My mind may be wandering, but I confessI believe it is Old Deuteronomy! (etc.)

Old Deuteronomy: My legs may be tottery,1 I must go slowAnd be careful of Old Deuteronomy!

Munkustrap: Jellicle Cats meet once a yearOn the night we make the Jellicle choiceAnd now that the Jellicle leader is hereJellicle Cats can all rejoice.

OF THE AWEFULL BATTLE OF THE PEKES AND THE POLLICLES (DVD10)

Munkustrap: Of the2 awful battle of the Pekes and the Pollicles,3 Together with some Account of the Participation of the Pugs and the

Poms,4 And the Intervention of the Great Rumpuscat.

The Pekes and the Pollicles, everyone knows, Are proud and implacable passionate foes;5 It is always the same, wherever one goes. And the Pugs and the Poms, although most people say That they do not like fighting, yet once in a way, They now and again join into the fray6 And they

All: Bark bark bark bark Bark bark BARK BARK

Munkustrap: Until you can hear them all over the Park.

Now on the occasion of which I shall speak Almost nothing had happened for nearly a week (And that’s a long time for a Pol or a Peke).

1 Tottery = unsteady. 2 Of the = I’m going to tell the story of the. 3 Pekes … Pollicles. The “Pekes” are Pekingese, the “Pollicles” (a made-up word, a bit like “Jellicles”) are Yorkshire Terriers. They are both very small dogs! 4 Poms = Pomeranians. Both Pugs and Pomeranians are, again, very small dogs! 5 Are proud and implacable passionate foes = are proud, fierce enemies who can never be reconciled. 6 In the fray = in the battle between the Pekes and the Pollicles.

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The big Police Dog was away from his beat—7 I don’t know the reason, but most people think He’d slipped into the Wellington’s Arms2 for a drink— And no one at all was about on the street When a Peke and a Pollicle happened to meet. They did not advance, or exactly retreat, But they glared at each other, and scraped their hind feet, And started to

Mungojerrie: Bark bark bark bark Rumpelteazer Bark bark BARK BARK

Munkustrap: Until you could hear them all over the Park. And they

All: Bark bark bark bark Bark bark BARK BARK

Munkustrap: Until you could hear them all over the Park.

Now the Peke, although people may say what they please, Is no British Dog, but Heathen Chinese. And so all the Pekes, when they heard the uproar, Some came to the window, some came to the door;There were surely a dozen, more likely a score.3 And together they started to grumble and wheeze In their huffery-snuffery4 Heathen Chinese. But a terrible din is what Pollicles like, For your Pollicle Dog is a dour Yorkshire tyke.5

Male Chorus:6 There are dogs out of every nation, The Irish, the Welsh and the Dane; The Russian, the Dutch, the Dalmatian, And even from China and Spain; The Poodle, the Pom, the Alsatian And the Mastiff who walks on a chain.

Munkustrap: And to those that are frisky and frolical,7

7 His beat = (the route of) his regular patrol. 2 The Wellington’s Arms = a pub. 3 A score = twenty. 4 Huffery-snuffery = huffing and snuffing. 5 A dour Yorkshire tyke = a stern Yorkshire dog. People from Yorkshire, in the north of England, are often described as “dour.” 6 Male Chorus. The chorus represents the Pollicles, who say they are prepared to challenge any other dogs.7 Frisky and frolical = very playful. These are qualities that the “dour” Pollicles do not like.

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Let my meaning be perfectly plain:8

Male Chorus: That my name it is Little Tom Pollicle,2 And you’d better not do it again!

Munkustrap: And his braw Scottish cousins3 are snappers and biters,

And every dog-jack4 of them notable fighters; And so they stepped out, with their pipers5 in order, Playing When the Blue Bonnets Came Over The Border6 Then the Pugs and the Poms held no longer aloof,7 But some from the balcony, some from the roof, Joined inTo the din With a

All: Bark bark bark bark Bark bark BARK BARK

Munkustrap: Until you could hear them all over the Park.

All: Huffery snuffery huffery snuff! Huffery snuffery huffery snuff!

Munkustrap: Until you could hear them all over the park NO!!!!

When these bold heroes together assembled, The traffic all stopped, and the Underground8 trembled, And some of the neighbours were so much afraid That they started to ring up the Fire Brigade. When suddenly, up from a small basement flat, Why9 who should stalk out but the GREAT RUMPUSCAT. His eyes were like fireballs fearfully blazing, He gave a great yawn, and his jaws were amazing; And when he looked out through the bars of the area,10

8 Let my meaning be perfectly plain = I hope you understand me clearly.2 Little Tom Pollicle = a spokesman for the Pollicles. 3 Braw Scottish cousins = brave Scottish cousins, i.e. Scottish terriers (“braw” is a Scottish word for “brave”). 4 Dog-jack = male dog. 5 Their pipers. The national instrument of Scotland is the bagpipes, and bagpipers would often march with Scottish armies. The Scottish terriers are imagined advancing like an army. 6 When the Blue Bonnets Came Over The Border = a patriotic Scottish song (about a Scottish invasion of England). 7 Held no longer aloof = no longer held back (from the quarrel). 8 The Underground = the London Underground railway system (the subway). 9 Why. In this context “why” is simply an introduction to a remarkable fact.10 The bars of the area = the bars of the railing along the street (on the side of the houses). This railing stops people falling down into the basement area (from which the Rumpuscat has just emerged).

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You never saw anything fiercer——or hairier. And what with the glare of his eyes and his yawning, The Pekes and the Pollicles quickly took warning.1 He looked at the sky and he gave a great leap— And they every last one of them scattered like sheep.2

And when the Police Dog returned to his beat, There wasn’t a single one left on the street.

All: All hail and all bow to3 the GREAT RUMPUSCAT!

The cats gather around Old Deuteronomy.

Deuteronomy: Jellicle cats and dogs all must Pollicle dogs and cats all must Like undertakers come to dust.4

There is a sudden disturbance.

Demeter: Macavity!

THE SONG OF THE JELLICLES (THE JELLICLE BALL) (DVD11)

All: Jellicle Cats come out tonight,5

Jellicle Cats come one come all:The Jellicle Moon is shining bright—Jellicles come to the Jellicle Ball.

Jellicle Cats are black and white,Jellicle Cats are rather small;Jellicle Cats are merry and bright,And pleasant to hear when we caterwaul.6 Jellicle Cats have cheerful faces,Jellicle Cats have bright black eyes;We like to practice our airs and graces7

And wait for the Jellicle Moon to rise. 1 Took warning = realized they were in trouble. 2 And they every last one of them scattered like sheep = and they all ran away like sheep (sheep are famous for being easily scared). 3 All hail and all bow to = we salute and honour. 4 Like undertakers come to dust = die, just as undertakers die. Undertakers arrange funerals, so their profession is particularly connected with death (and dust, too, as they organize the digging of graves). These three lines are from T. S. Eliot’s poem, “Lines to a Yorkshire Terrier,” and bring the theme of mortality strongly into Cats (a theme already hinted at in the Grizabella song). 5 Jellicle Cats come out tonight. These lines are repeated from pages 5-6. 6 Caterwaul = sing in our cat-like way. 7 Airs and graces = polite, elegant behaviour.

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Jellicle Cats develop slowly,1

Jellicle Cats are not too big;Jellicle Cats are roly-poly,2

We know how to dance a gavotte and a jig. Until the Jellicle Moon appearsWe make our toilette and take our repose:Jellicles wash behind their ears,Jellicles dry between their toes.

Jellicle Cats are white and black,Jellicle Cats are of moderate size;Jellicles jump like a jumping-jack,3

Jellicle Cats have moonlit eyes. We’re quiet enough in the morning hours,We’re quiet enough in the afternoon,Reserving our terpsichorean4 powersTo dance by the light of the Jellicle Moon.

Jellicle Cats are black and white,Jellicle Cats (as we said) are small;If it happens to be a stormy nightWe will practise a caper5 or two in the hall. If it happens the sun is shining brightYou would say we had nothing to do at all:We are resting and saving ourselves to be right6

For the Jellicle Moon and the Jellicle Ball.

Jellicle Cats come out tonight,Jellicle Cats come one come all:The Jellicle Moon is shining bright—Jellicles come to the Jellicle Ball.Jellicle Cats come out tonight,Jellicle Cats come one come all:The Jellicle Moon is shining bright—Jellicles come to the Jellicle Ball.

The cats dance.

1 Develop slowly. This is, of course, a very human quality. In general it is animals with high intelligence that “develop slowly.” 2 Roly-poly = short and plump. 3 Jumping-jack = a kind of puppet, designed for children, which is made to jump by being pulled with strings. 4 Terpsichorean = dancing (from Terpsichore, the Greek Muse of dancing). 5 A caper = a playful leap, or hop. 6 Right = ready, in the right condition.

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MEMORY (DVD12)

Grizabella enters.

Grizabella: Midnight, not a sound1 from the pavement. Has the moon lost her memory? She is smiling alone. In the lamplight, the withered leaves collect at my feet, And the wind begins to moan. Every streetlamp seems to beat The fatalistic warning.2 Someone mutters, and the streetlamp gutters,3 And soon it will be morning. Memory, all alone in the moonlight; I can smile at the old days, I was beautiful then. I remember the time I knew what happiness was. Let the memory live again.

THE MOMENTS OF HAPPINESS (DVD13)

Deuteronomy: The moments of happiness . . .4

We had the experience but missed the meaning,And approach to the meaning restores the experienceIn a different form, beyond any meaningWe can assign to happiness . . .5

The past experience revived in the meaning6

Is not the experience of one life onlyBut of many generations7—not forgettingSomething that is probably quite ineffable.8

1 Not a sound = and there is not a sound. 2 To beat / The fatalistic warning = to convey the warning that all things are predetermined by fate (i.e. everything that happens happens because of “fate,” and there is nothing we can do about it). 3 Gutters = flickers. The “streetlamps” Eliot is referring to were powered by gas and often flickered. 4 These philosophical lines are taken from T. S. Eliot’s poem, Four Quartets (1943), which has nothing to do with cats. 5 We had the experience … happiness. These are complex lines which mean something like this: “We have experiences (of happiness), but fail to see the meaning of the experiences (at the time we have them). Later, we start to see their meaning, and as we get closer to understanding that meaning, we relive the experiences that produced it. But the ‘relived’ experiences are different from the original experiences, and seem to have much more significance than the simple experience of happiness.” This is Old Deuteronomy’s response to Grizabella’s statement that in the past she “knew what happiness was.” 6 In the meaning = by understanding the meaning (of the experience). 7 But of many generations. In other words, when we discover the meaning of experience, we are led to “relive” not just our own experiences, but those of many generations that have lived before us. 8 Quite ineffable = that cannot be put into words. I.e. the past experience that is “relived” includes elements that are beyond the power of language to describe.

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Jemima: Moonlight, turn your face to the moonlight,Let your memory lead you,Open up, enter in.1

If you find there the meaning of what happiness isThen a new life will begin.

All: Moonlight, turn your face to the moonlight,Let your memory lead you,Open up, enter in.If you find there the meaning of what happiness isThen a new life will begin.

GUS: THE THEATRE CAT (DVD14)

Jellylorum: Gus is the Cat at the Theatre Door.His name, as I ought to have told you before,Is really Asparagus. But that’s such a fussTo pronounce, that we usually call him just Gus. His coat’s very shabby, he’s thin as a rake,2

And he suffers from palsy that makes his paw shake.Yet he was, in his youth, quite the smartest of Cats—But no longer a terror to mice or to rats.For he isn’t the Cat that he was in his prime;3

Though his name was quite famous, he says, in his time4

And whenever he joins his friends at their club(Which takes place at the back of the neighbouring pub)He loves to regale5 them, if someone else pays,With anecdotes drawn from his palmiest days.6

For he once was a Star of the highest degree—7

He has acted with Irving, he has acted with Tree.8

And he likes to relate his success on the Halls9

Where the Gallery once gave him seven cat-calls10

But his grandest creation,11 as he loves to tell,

1 Open up, enter in = open yourself to the memory, and enter into the memory. 2 Thin as a rake = extremely thin (“thin as a rake” is a common idiom). 3 In his prime. See page 11, note 7. 4 In his time = in his best days, when his reputation was at its highest. 5 Regale = entertain. 6 Palmiest days = most triumphant days.7 A Star of the highest degree = a very famous actor. 8 Irving … Tree. Henry Irving (1838-1905) and Herbert Beerbohm Tree (1853-1917), both famous English actors.9 On the Halls = in the Music Halls. 10 Catcalls. Catcalls are whistling sounds used to express disapprobation in the theatre. Here, however, applied to a cat, they seem to have been used to express approbation. 11 Creation = part, role (in a theatrical production).

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Was Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell.1

Gus: I have played, in my time, every possible part,And I used to know seventy speeches by heart.I’d extemporize back-chat,2 I knew how to gag,3

And I knew how to let the cat out of the bag.4

I knew how to act with my back and my tail;With an hour of rehearsal, I never could fail.I’d a voice that would soften the hardest of hearts,Whether I took the lead, or in character parts.5 I have sat by the bedside of poor Little Nell;6

When the Curfew was rung, then I swung on the bell.In the Pantomime season7 I never fell flat,8

And I once understudied Dick Whittington’s Cat.9

But my grandest creation, as history will tell,10

Was Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell.

Jellylorum: Then, if someone will give him a toothful11 of gin,He will tell how he once played a part in East Lynne.12

At a Shakespeare performance he once walked on pat,13

When some actor suggested the need for a cat.

Gus: And I say that these kittens, they do not get trainedAs we did in the days when Victoria reigned.14

They never get drilled in a regular troupe,And they think they are smart, just to jump through a hoop.

Jellylorum: And he says, as he scratches himself with his claws:

Gus: Well, the Theatre is certainly not what it was.15

These modern productions are all very well,16

1 The Fiend of the Fell = the devil of the hill. Gus was playing a supernatural fiend-cat. 2 Back-chat = repartee. 3 To gag = to introduce extra, impromptu material (into the text of the play). Good actors often liked to “gag.”4 To let the cat out of the bag = to reveal a secret (to the audience) (a common idiomatic phrase). This is one of many “cat” jokes in Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats. 5 Whether I took the lead, or in character parts = whether I acted the main role, or played a smaller part. 6 Poor Little Nell = the heroine of Charles Dickens’s novel, The Old Curiosity Shop (1840). The novel was adapted into several plays. The story ends with Little Nell’s death, which is why she is described as “poor.”7 The Pantomime season. Pantomimes were traditionally performed around Christmas and New Year. 8 Fell flat = failed to entertain the audience. 9 Dick Whittington’s Cat. See page 2, note 3. 10 As history will tell = as people in the future will say. 11 Toothful = small mouthful. 12 East Lynne = a popular play based on a very successful novel by Mrs. Henry Wood (1814-87). 13 Pat = at just the right time. 14 When Victoria reigned = when Queen Victoria was Queen (1837-1901). 15 Not what it was = not as good as it used to be. 16 All very well == O.K.

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But there’s nothing to equal, from what I hear tell,That moment of mystery When I made historyAs Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell.These modern productions are all very well,But there’s nothing to equal, from what I hear tell,That moment of mystery When I—

SKIMBLESHANKS: THE RAILWAY CAT1

All: Skimbleshanks, The Railway Cat, The Cat of the Railway Train.

There’s a whisper down the line at 11.39When the Night Mail’s ready to depart,Saying, “Skimble where is Skimble has he gone to hunt the thimble?We must find him or the train can’t start.”

Skimbleshanks: All the guards and all the porters and the station master’s daughtersWould be searching high and lowSaying “Skimble where is Skimble for unless he’s very nimbleThen the Night Mail just can’t go.” At 11.42 with the signal overdueAnd the passengers all frantic to a man—That’s when I would appear and I’d saunter to the rear:I’d been busy in the luggage van!

All: Then he gave one flash of his glass-green eyesAnd the signal went “All Clear!”

Skimbleshanks: They’d be off at last for the northern part Of the Northern Hemisphere!

All: Skimbleshanks, The Railway Cat,The Cat of the Railway Train.

Skimbleshanks: You could say that by and large it was me who was in chargeOf the Sleeping Car Express.From the driver and the guards to the bagmen playing cardsI would supervise them all, more or less.

1 The Railway Cat. There are no notes for “Skimbleshanks.” Enjoy the song and try to understand as much as you can!

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All: Down the corridor he paces and examines all the facesOf the travellers in the First and the Third;He establishes control by a regular patrolAnd he’d know at once if anything occurred. He would watch you without winking and he saw what you were

thinkingAnd it’s certain that he didn’t approveOf hilarity and riot, so that folk were very quietWhen Skimble was about and on the move. You could play no pranks with Skimbleshanks!He’s a Cat that cannot be ignored;So nothing went wrong on the Northern MailWhen Skimbleshanks was aboard.

Skimbleshanks: It was very pleasant when they’d found their little denWith the name written up on the door.And the berth was very neat with a newly folded sheetAnd not a speck of dust on the floor. There was every sort of light—you could make it dark or bright;And a button you could turn to make a breeze.And a funny little basin you’re supposed to wash your face inAnd a crank to shut the window should you sneeze. Then the guard looked in politely and would ask you very brightly,“Do you like your morning tea weak or strong?”But I was just behind him and was ready to remind him,For Skimble won’t let anything go wrong.

All: When they crept into their cosy berth And pulled up the counterpaneThey all could reflect it was very niceTo know that they wouldn’t be bothered by mice—They can leave all that to the Railway Cat,The Cat of the Railway Train!

Skimbleshanks, The Railway Cat,The Cat of the Railway Train.Skimbleshanks, The Railway Cat,The Cat of the Railway Train.

Skimbleshanks: In the watches of the night I was always fresh and bright;Every now and then I’d have a cup of teaWith perhaps a drop of Scotch while I was keeping on the watchOnly stopping here and there to catch a flea. They were fast asleep at Crewe and so they never knewThat I was walking up and down the station;They were sleeping all the while I was busy at Carlisle,

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Where I met the station master with elation. They might see me at Dumfries, if I summoned the police,If there was anything they ought to know about:

All: When they got to Gallowgate they did not have to wait—For Skimbleshanks would help them to get out! And he gives you a wave of his long brown tailWhich says: “I’ll see you again!You’ll meet without fail on the Midnight MailThe Cat of the Railway Train!”

There is a sudden disturbance, followed by the sound of Macavity’s laughter.

Demeter: Macavity!

Macavity suddenly appears. Three rats enter, throw a net over Old Deuteronomy, and carry him away.

MACAVITY: THE MYSTERY CAT (DVD16)

Demeter: Macavity’s a Mystery Cat: he’s called the Hidden Paw—Bombalurina: For he’s a master criminal who can defy the Law.1

He’s the bafflement of Scotland Yard,2 the Flying Squad’s3 despair:For when they reach the scene of crime4—Macavity’s not there!

Macavity, Macavity, there’s no one like Macavity,He’s broken every human law, he breaks the law of gravity.His powers of levitation would make a fakir stare,5

And when you reach the scene of crime—Macavity’s not there!

You may seek him in the basement, you may look up in the air—But I tell you once and once again, Macavity’s not there!

Macavity’s a ginger cat, he’s very tall and thin;You would know him if you saw him, for his eyes are sunken in.His brow is deeply lined in thought,6 his head is highly domed;His coat is dusty from neglect, his whiskers are uncombed.He sways his head from side to side, with movements like a snake;And when you think he’s half asleep, he’s always wide awake.

1 Who can defy the Law = who can commit crimes and not get caught. 2 Scotland Yard = the headquarters of the London police force. 3 Flying Squad = police officers trained in high-speed driving. 4 The scene of crime = the place where the crime took place. 5 Would make a fakir stare = would astonish a fakir. Fakirs are Hindu holy men, famous for being able to levitate themselves above the ground. 6 His brow is deeply lined in thought = he has furrows on his forehead, as if he is thinking deeply.

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Macavity, Macavity, there’s no one like Macavity,For he’s a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity.You may meet him in a by-street,1 you may see him in the square—But when a crime’s discovered, then Macavity’s not there!

He’s outwardly respectable.2 (I know he cheats at cards.)And his footprints are not found in any file of Scotland Yard’s.3 And when the larder’s looted, or the jewel case is rifled,Or when the milk is missing, or another Peke’s been stifled,4

Or the greenhouse glass is broken, and the trellis past repair—5

There’s the wonder of the thing!6 Macavity’s not there!

Macavity, Macavity, there’s no one like Macavity,There never was a Cat of such deceitfulness and suavity.He always has an alibi, and one or two to spare:7

Whatever time the deed took place—MACAVITY WASN’T THERE! And they say that all the Cats whose wicked deeds are widely known(I might mention Mungojerrie, I might mention Griddlebone)Are nothing more than agents for the Cat who all the timeJust controls the operations:8 the Napoleon9 of Crime!

All: Macavity, Macavity, there’s no one like Macavity,For he’s a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity.You may meet him in a by-street, you may see him in the square—But when a crime’s discovered, then Macavity,Macavity, Macavity, Macavity,When a crime’s discovered, then Macavity’s not there!

Old Deuteronomy seems to return, but some of the cats obviously feel that something is wrong. Demeter leaps on his back and reveals that it is not Old Deuteronomy at all—it is Macavity in disguise. Macavity fights with Munkustrap and the other cats. Finally he leaves, but only after he has short-circuited the lights and plunged the stage into darkness.

All: Macavity’s not there.

1 By-street = little street, minor street (not a main street). 2 He’s outwardly respectable = when you look at his lifestyle from outside (without knowing his inner character), then he seems to be a respectable cat. 3 And his footprints are not found in any file of Scotland Yard’s = the police have no record of him. Normally, of course, the police keep fingerprints as a way of identifying criminals!4 Peke’s been stifled = Pekinese (dog) has been killed by suffocation. “Pekes” are mentioned in the earlier song, “Of the Awefull Battle of the Pekes and the Pollicles.” 5 Past repair = so badly damaged that it cannot be repaired. 6 There’s the wonder of the thing! = this is the amazing bit!7 And one or two to spare = and one or two extra alibis (in case he cannot use the first). 8 The operations = all the criminal activity.9 The Napoleon = the great Emperor, the mastermind.

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MR. MISTOFFELEES (DVD17)

All: We have to find Old Deuteronomy.

Rum Tum Tugger: You ought to ask Magical Mr. Mistoffelees The Original Conjuring Cat—1 (There can be no doubt about that). Please listen to me and don’t scoff. All his Inventions are off his own bat.2 There’s no such Cat in the metropolis;3 He holds all the patent monopolies4 For performing surprising illusions And creating eccentric confusions.

The greatest magicians have something to learnFrom Mr. Mistoffelees’s Conjuring Turn.5 And we all say: OH!Well I never!6 Was there everA Cat so clever As magical Mr. Mistoffelees! He is quiet and small, he is blackFrom his ears to the tip of his tail;He can creep through the tiniest crack,He can walk on the narrowest rail. He can pick any card from the pack,He is equally cunning with dice;He is always deceiving you into believingThat he’s only hunting for mice. He can play any trick with a corkOr a spoon and a bit of fish-paste;If you look for a knife or a forkAnd you think that it’s merely misplaced— You have seen it one moment, and then it is gawn!7

But you find it next week lying out on the lawn.

1 The Original Conjuring Cat = the first cat to practice magic. 2 Off his own bat = achieved independently (i.e. he has no one helping him, or advising him). 3 There’s no such Cat in the metropolis = there is no other cat like him in London. 4 He holds all the patent monopolies = he has exclusive legal rights (to perform his tricks). Mr. Mistoffelees has “patented” his tricks, so that no one else can copy them without his permission. 5 Turn = ability.6 Well I never! = good gracious! how surprising! 7 Gawn = gone. “Gawn” is a posh, upper-class pronunciation of “gone.” T. S. Eliot uses it here to rhyme with “lawn.”

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And we all say: OH!Well I never! Was there everA Cat so clever As magical Mr. Mistoffelees!

Mr. Mistoffelees descends on a rope which vanishes as soon as he reaches the ground. He restores the lights.

All: OH!Well I never! Was there everA Cat so clever As magical Mr. Mistoffelees! (etc.)

Rum Tum Tugger: His manner is vague and aloof,And you would think there was nobody shyer—But his voice has been heard on the roofWhen he was curled up by the fire. And he’s sometimes been heard by the fireWhen he was about on the roof(At least we all heard that somebody purred)Which is incontestable proof Of his singular1 magical powers:And I have known the family to callHim in from the garden for hours,2

While he was asleep in the hall. And not long ago this phenomenal CatProduced seven kittens right out of a hat!3 And we all say:

All: OH!Well I never! Was there everA Cat so clever As magical Mr. Mistoffelees!

Rum Tum Tugger: Magical! And not long ago this phenomenal Cat Produced seven kittens right out of a hat!

1 Singular = extraordinary. 2 To call / Him in from the garden for hours = to repeatedly call him in from the garden, for several hours (being convinced that Mr. Mistoffelees is in the garden). 3 Produced seven kittens right out of a hat! Another cat joke: ordinary magicians often produce cats, rabbits, or other animals “out of a hat;” here the trick has extra significance!

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Mr. Mistoffelees pulls out a red blanket and covers Cassandra with it. He then guides this “lump” to the centre of the stage, pulls off the blanket, and reveals Old Deuteronomy.

Rum Tum Tugger: And we all say: OH!Well I never! Was there everA Cat so clever As magical Mr. Mistoffelees!

All: OH!Well I never! Was there everA Cat so clever As magical Mr. Mistoffelees! (etc.)

Rum Tum Tugger: I give you the Magical, the Marvelous, Mr. Mistoffelees!

Mr. Mistoffelees vanishes in a shower of sparks.

MEMORY (DVD18)

Jemima: Daylight:See the dew on the sunflowerAnd a rose that is fading—Roses wither away.Like the sunflowerI yearn to turn my face to the dawn1

I am waiting for the day . . .

Munkustrap: Now Old Deuteronomy just before dawn2 Through a silence you feel you could cut with a knife Announces the cat who can now be reborn And come back to a different Jellicle life.

Grizabella enters.

Grizabella: Memory, turn your face to the moonlight,3 Let your memory lead you, Open up, enter in. If you find there the meaning of what happiness is Then a new life will begin.

1 Like the sunflower / I yearn to turn my face to the dawn. Young sunflowers (in the budding stage) follow the sun across the sky, but fully developed sunflowers always face east (towards the dawn). 2 Now Old Deuteronomy just before dawn. These lines are repeated from page 6. 3 Memory, turn your face to the moonlight. The first part of Grizabella’s song repeats lines that she and Jemima have already sung (see pages 19-20).

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Memory, all alone in the moonlight,I can smile at the old days,I was beautiful then.I remember the time I knew what happiness was:Let the memory live again.

Burnt out ends of smoky days,1

The stale, cold smell of morning.The streetlamp dies,2 another night is over,Another day is dawning. Daylight, I must wait for the sunrise.I must think of a new life,And I mustn’t give in.3

When the dawn comes,Tonight will be a memory too,And a new day will begin.

Jemima: Sunlight, through the trees in summer; Endless masquerading.4

Jemima and Grizabella: Like a flower as the dawn is breaking.5

Grizabella: The memory is fading.

Touch me,It’s so easy to leave me,All alone with the memoryOf my days in the sun.6

If you touch me,You’ll understand what happiness is. Look!A new day has begun.

Victoria approaches Grizabella and touches her hand. The other cats show theiracceptance of her by turn. Grizabella is led by Old Deuteronomy to an old tire.

1 Burnt out ends of smoky days. This image suggests that days are rather like cigarettes, and the ends of days like cigarette ends. London used to be a very smoky city. 2 Dies = goes out. 3 Give in = despair, give up hope. 4 Masquerading = either a) dressing up with masks for masquerade parties; or b) putting on a false show. In the context, it is very difficult to know what this line means!5 Is breaking = comes. 6 Days in the sun = happy days.

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JOURNEY TO THE HEAVISIDE LAYER (DVD19)

All: Up, up, up, past the Russell Hotel,1

Up, up, up, up, to the Heaviside Layer. Up, up, up, past the Russell Hotel,Up, up, up, up, to the Heaviside Layer. Up, up, up, past the Russell Hotel,Up, up, up, up, to the Heaviside Layer. Up, up, up, past the Russell Hotel,Up, up, up, up, to the Heaviside Layer.Up, up, up, past the Jellicle moon, Up, up, up, up, to the Heaviside layer. Up, up, up, past the Jellicle moon, Up, up, up, up, to the Heaviside layer.

A silver stairway descends from the sky and Grizabella starts to ascend.

The mystical divinity of unashamed felinity2 Round the cathedral rang “Vivat” Life to the everlasting CAT.

The stairway rises again.

THE AD-DRESSING OF CATS3 (DVD20)

Old Deuteronomy: You’ve heard of several kinds of Cat,And my opinion now is thatYou should need no interpreter4

To understand our character. You’ve learned enough to take the view5

That Cats are very much like you.You’ve seen us both at work and games,And learnt about our proper names,Our habits and our habitat:But

How would you ad-dress a Cat?6

So first, your memory I’ll jog,7

And say: A CAT IS NOT A DOG.

1 The Russell Hotel = a famous hotel in central London. 2 The mystical divinity of unashamed felinity. These lines are repeated from page 3. 3 This was the last poem in T. S. Eliot’s Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats.4 Interpreter = helper. 5 Take the view = understand. 6 Ad-dress a Cat = speak to a cat. 7 Your memory I’ll jog = I’ll remind you.

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All: So first, your memory I’ll jog,And say: A CAT IS NOT A DOG.

Old Deuteronomy: With Cats, some say, one rule is true:Don’t speak till you are spoken to.Myself, I do not hold1 with that—I say, you should ad-dress a Cat.But always keep in mind that heResents familiarity. You bow, and taking off your hat,Ad-dress him in this form: O CAT! Before a cat will condescendTo treat you as a trusted friend,Some little token of esteem2

Is needed, like a dish of cream;And you might now and then supplySome caviare, or Strassburg Pie,Some potted grouse, or salmon paste—3

He’s sure to have his personal taste.And so in time you reach your aim,And call him by his NAME.

All: A Cat’s entitled to expectThese evidences of respect.So this is this, and that is that:4

And there’s how you AD-DRESS A CAT.

A Cat’s entitled to expectThese evidences of respect.So this is this, and that is that:And there’s how you AD-DRESS A CAT.

THE END.

1 Hold = agree. 2 Token of esteem = proof of your respect and appreciation (for the cat). 3 Dish of cream … caviare … Strassburg Pie … potted grouse … salmon paste. These are all expensive, luxury foods! “Strassburg Pie” is pâté de foie gras (pâté made from geese liver). 4 So this is this, and that is that = so everything has been explained.

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