-.'--lì.

ves in Research

sychotherapy

Narrative IdentitiesPsychologists Engaged in SelÊConsrrucion

Edited b1 George yanry and Susan Hadle2

Jessica Kingsley publishersLondon and philadelphia

2Ðo{

ndon: Routledç.:r Boulde¡: Wewiew-'In D. Fox and I.

r: Palgrave.'dWorld."Jwnal

ersity of Çatifomia press,r

CHAPTER 13 b".".¡ç1te- ìnAutobiographY

Ilene A. Serlin

The request to write an autobiography about oneself as a psychotherapist

raises importarit question, ,boutìh. nature of autobiography, the nature ofthe self, and the nature of, therapeutic work. In this chapteç therefore, I willattempt to respond to each of ihese questions in turn by weaving together

stories from my life with reflections on those stories'

It is only ,.c.ntþ that the subject ofwomen's autobiography, or women's

år-o¡, women,s dute,and women's grapbiahasbeen a legitimate subjea of criti-

cal or theoretical study (Smith, 1987, p'7)' Psychoanalysts like Nancy

Chodorow and Luce Iripy argue that men's autobiographies are individualis-

tic and objective, whil-e'women's are relational and subjeaive (Gilligan,

lgszl. vÍomen's stories retain the symbolic preverbal language between

mother and infánt, while men's stories reflect the Oedipal sePafetion from the

;;;.. It would follow that women's stories would not follow the male

heroic srories of individuation, and indeed carolyn Heilbrun (1988) shows

that women authors tend to ettribute their achievements to anothe¡ Person of

to a force other than themselves'who is the'1I" in a woman's neffative, therefore? Perhaps the "Io is more

diffuse, rnultiple, and nonlinear than the male "L" Is there an encapsulated

self, or is the self created in a context of events and in relation with others? To

what extent is the self influenced by gender and by personal history?

WhatdoesitmeantobeaPsYlhotJrerapist?Isitaprofessionoracalling?How is one,s perspective as a isychotherapist affected b-y one's personal his-

tory and selfZ ts psychotherapy an obiective scientific process based on

pr.di.tion ,nd .onirol, or, ,ub¡..tiu. artistic process that uses the therapist's

self as the primarY tool?

245

Dancing Stories

"f' wâs always a ",,ve" and an "f." Born as the fraternal member of a set oftriplets, my life has been shaped by my earriest experiences ofbeing my ownegg' That led to a lifetime of feering different, únging for community butalways being "on my own path"; profound rone"rinfu ,J ;, spiritedindependence; effons to understand the meaning of the number .three,,,(tt f..rt{.: of three sisrers, three Furies, triple Goidesses); ,ry*rrrry ,, ,model of change, instabiriry with the potentiar for a grearer?ynäii. stauitiryand appreciation for theparadox of beronging rnd nãt berongng.In my earrymemorfes, ly sisrers trtk"d to each othri ,t night whire we a[ slept in thesame room. Even though they were asleep, thei¡ nonsense tark wasin perfectsynchrony, with comments and pauses as if it were ieal conversation. I listenedfiom the other end of the room, feering out of tr,. uiir"tior,,äne in anancient way. And yet we were teased as we spoke of "our' mother. we weredressed alike until we were l2 years ord, on air-triplet terevision shows N¿z¿lbat -Tune,

and lulerry Mairman.westilr confuse memories and identities (.,Nqthat happened to mer'). our morher taught Engrish in the r950s; we weretaught to speak properly and politely to .J.ry rrrrng.r who accosted us, as wealways were in public. we ail performed we[, and *ä.

"m.yr.rt trr. top io ou,classes' My sisters sang and I danced and drew. w. prry.J ãúr¡.rr oio., ,namy sisters swapped lead roles in the camp plays. rheywere speciri,rens in gradeschool biology class, demonstrating'thai as identicar twins, on. was right=handed, the other left-handed, one had a crooked roorh on tie right side and :

246 NARRÀTIVE IDENTITIES

The narratives that foilow wilr focus on these questions through thethemes of the seld gender, body, and spirit.

Who am I?

the other on the left. we inevitably attracted attention; the most conspicuort$outfìts were three white bunny suits given to us by a business partner of,ryy,father- we still tell stories to each othãr about three little girls holdingand wearing white fur coats, hats, and muffs on the New york City srOn the one hand, we perfonned for the guests and were dolls (þoupéeJ'iJean-Paul sartre describes himself in his autobiography. on thà tthår harY¡t9 extremely generous and supportive parenrs who encouraged uq,individuate and believe in ourserves. rinafly, my experience ofbeing"bortila "litter" gave me a very speciar bond with my rirrårr. we arways tåstedother with our laresr rebellions against the parents, as we stiir do witlsecrets' dreams and fears. we rearned a nnaìrtyarty that tumed ouÊunfortunately naive in terms of the rest of the world, and learning.i

betrayals and falseness camdid manage to create a veF. ltfy way has been a seai(Sartre, lg64),and some urthis odd configuration.

ReflectionThe theme of solitude is ncappears vividly in literaturrf undamental existential issutwritings ofAlbert Camug G;my favorite French writergdiscover and perpetu ally rcnessential to the life ofwander.T::::rd r forget it? _ agaitwh1J" 0s5s,p.t2t|.,, CItt! Moustakag a psych

essay and concludes: "No fondiscoveries that will o..u, in ,ent in loneliness as I have corn,p.5). Irwin yalom nrm.r don.Iife (t 9S0). For mg an exisrenrtheoreücal approach.

Facing the existential voic:t1rl.il turning point in theraplvoid.Itgives us the freedom toformingfor orhers as a child m,roles played in everyday life. Iwhich is why the work of Rollpsychologists spoke so clearly

ii.yÍ the Jungian concepß ,tnerapies that use marþ cr.ate- , Finding a balance berween urarcs wisdom. While I do not btlthic self (Gergen, l99t; Hillrnu.sftn.er or universals. In a the;suþpersonalities" through verbaeonstants like "lou." .n a

?.orp-rl

quesrions through

ral member of a set of,:nces of being my ownng for community butness and yet spiritedf the number .,three,"

esses); asymmetry as aeater dynamic sabilirybelonging.In my earlyrile we all slept in the:nse talk was in perfect:onversation. I listenedvibration, alone in anour" mother. We weretelevision shows N¿zries and identities ("Nqn the l950s; we werewho accosted us, as werlways et the top in ourryed musical trios, andere specimens in gradetwins, one was right-r on the right side andthe most conspícuous

'usiness partner of myle girls holding handsew York City subway.re dolls ("poupée'.'), asy. On the other hand,'ho encouraged us torce ofbeing born into¡e always trusted eachwe still do with ourthat turned out to be, and learning about

AUTOBIOGRAPHY ¡ti'":i'.t

betrayals and falsenes came hard. Despite significant struggles, howeveiç6 '

did manage to create a very loving an! closg family'*- *rr*V has been a search for lauthenticity" (Bugental, 1989), "sinceriq/

{s;;, oø+¡,and some understanding about why I was Put on this earth in

ìnis odd confìguration'

ReflectionThetheme.ofsolitudeisnotcommoninthepsychologicalliterature,butit;;;;t- vividly'in literature and philosophy' I think' for example' of the

fundamental existential issues of facing one's aloneness, which I found in the

writings of Albert camus, Gide, sartrJand simone de Beauvoir. or in one of*y i"äri" French writerg colette, who wrore in Tbe vagabondz "Must I

discoverandperpetuallyrenewinmyselfthatrichfundofenergywhichis.rr.","l a tfre fife ofwánderers and solitaries? Must I, in short, struggle - ah,

howcouldlforgetit?_againstsolitudeitself?Andtoachievewhat?What?\rrVhat?' (1955, p.1 2 1).

ClarkMoustakas,apsychologist,bravelydepictslonelinessinaheuristic.r*;;;;;;;t d*,'.Ñ, ior.otã can predict the profound awakenings and

discoveriesthatwilloccurinaperson'sinnersearching.Nevertheless,inher-ent in loneliness as I have .omeìo know it are guidelines to a new.life" (1972,

p5}.IrwinYalomnamesalonenessasoneofthefourexistentialchallengesofiif. lrlso¡. For me, an existential approach to psychology is foundation to my

theotetical aPProach.Facingtheexistentialvoidofouralonenessormortalityis,Ithink,the

critical turning point in therapy and in life that lets us create in the face of this

void. It gives us the freedom å'.u.r,., and the motivation to be authenr:.- f:.forming for others as a child made mq acutely conscious of acting, and of th9

rolesplayedineverydaylife.Ihadatremendouslongingforauthenticirywhich is why the work of nono May, )ames Bugental and other humanistic

fsychologists spoke so clearly to me jBug"ntal' 1989; May' 1975)' I also

enjoyed the Jungian concePt; of persona and archetype ()ung' 1966)' and

thirápies that use masks, create characters' and tell stories'

Finding a balance be,nveen unique and archetypal selves is not simple, and

takes wisdãm- While I do not believe that there is one "authentic" or mono-

lithic self (Gergen, 1991; Hillman, 1975\' I also do not think there are no

essences or universals. In a therapeutic session, therefore, I might explore;rulf.rronrlities,l through verbal and nonverbal imagery, as well as universal

constants like "love" rnd"".ornp.rsion" and "home-" I find it helpful, therapeu-

NÂRR,ATIVE IDENTTTIES

tically, for a client to appreciate the absolute uniçeness of, hisexperience in all its rich texture" At the same time, when appropriatg he oican also see this experience ín a larger context ofculturalor historicalThe discovery that we share our most human dimensions with others istherapeutic for many people.

Being A triplet has also influenced my therepeutic posrure. I easilysister transferentiel relationships, which obviously can be either helpful orproblematic I fantasize about writing arricles on how the fèeling oËsisterihood is therapeutic in end of itselfr, and how in so many u/ays we are older andyounger sisters to each other. Instead of "re-parenting" as therapísq we"re-sister." I often hear another kind of loneliness from a woman client whohas never had a sister, and a lack ofcertain interpersonal "litter" social skills. Ihave clients who have never been teased as youngsters and need to learn. Ihave even iried to talk my sister into co-writing something with me, and shefaintly agrees. So far we haven't done a thing.

Being so tuned into each other also gave me a very early experience of anonverbal way ofknowing. Nonverbal communication training helps me pickup on the nonverbal correlates of subgroup formation in a therapy group, forexample. The work of Davis (1970), Scheflen (1973), and Bi¡dwhistell(1970) helps me analyze group process or dyadic relationships. The experi-ence of deeply felt implicit knowledge corresponds for me to the "personalknowledge" (Polanyi, f 958), or embodiment as "kinetic melody gifted with a

meaning" (Merleau-Ponty, 1963, p.130). The effort to describe levels ofmeaning in nonverbal communication led me to the subject for my disserta-tion, which was a phenomenological study of what I called "KinaestheticImagining," and published as an brticle (Serlin, lgg6l.It also led to a frame-work for understanding kinaesthetic transference and countertransference inpsychotherapy (Serlin and Stern, 199S).

Psychology ofwomenAs this form of knowing is the shadow side of the dominent culture's overt,verbal language, it tends to be more usual among women (Goldbergeç 1996).'Women's narratives are more likely to be personal, embodied, relational, andwoven rather than linear (Plaskow and Christ, 1989). They may be, by theirvery nature, anti-authoritarian and anti-hierarchical. Smith calls this !'an

unspoken presence, that feminine unconscious repressed by the masculinelogos, always threatens to disrupt the narrative order and to destabilize thefìction of identity the autobiographer inscribes" (Smith, 1987, p.[ll.

ÂUTOBIOGR.APHY

lueness of his orr appropriatghe.l or historicalrswith othersTs

posture. I easilyr be either helpful orthe feeling of sister_

ways we âre older andng' as therapistq wea woman client who

I "li*er" social skílls.I¡ and need to learn. Iing with me, and she

early experience ofaraining helps me pickr a therapy group, for3), and Birdwhistellonships.'The experi-me to the "personal

melody gifted with ao describe levels of'ject for my disserta-called "Kinaestheticalso led to a frame-

unteftrânsference in

nent culture's overt,'Goldberge¡ lgg6').

lied, relational, andey may be, by theirmith calls this "anf by the masculineI to destabilize therith, 1987, p.4l).

lllomen's narratives are related to nature in a creative collaboration' The sister

theme in my own narrative takes me to ecofeminism as "a sisterly bond, a

änJ.*u*i reiection of all forms of domination, vrhose necessary-goal is

ä;."iry rather than dualism" (Gaard, 19-93'p'7\'This takes *: Io-t feminist

i¡.* ofi.i.nce: "The.Feminine in each of us - the part that sees life in context,

ä.'t*t onnectednes$ of everything-and the consequences of our actions

on frtture generations can help he,l the wounds of our planet'' (Shepherd,:

1993, P.ll.IhavebeenblessedwithsomeextraordinarywomenmentofEandtryto

,oniinu. that tradition today with my students or supervisees. My advisor in

,h. Honorc Psychology p.g"* at ihe University of Michigan was |udithBardwick, whowas räing n.*ly written chapters of her book on the psy-

chology of women.I then ipp"niittd with Anna Halprin' who put together

dance and movement with èestalt therapy' With Anna' we did mov€ment

improvisations during rush hour traffic in san Francisco, and sunset ritr¡als on

toi of tøt. ramalpals.-l feel it important to document these women's contribu-

tions to help balance the history of psychology and as a corrective to

psychological theory' t intervieweå ^Anna Halprin for an article published in

irlerrri*¡ournalof oannThrapl(serlin, 1996). My fìrst real therapist and

wise old lvoman grandmother figure was Laura Perls' My therapy with her

flowed into study at the NY Cestalt Institute in 1975 and then teaching with

Laura and others. Trained as e concert pianist and danceç Laura helped create

ü¡]¡l¡,õtas an "aesthetic philosåphy" (Serlin and Shane, 1999),which

pr*iã.a , r*ång theoretical fråmework for me to conceprualize movement

as meaning in process- I was with Lau'ta, her daughter and grandlauglter'

when she .t-'ied, "nd

have made a videotape and written some ârticles that place

her appropriately in the history of the develoPment of US Gestalt therapy' As

one of the founders of Gestali therapy, she was not given credit. Her softer,

more nuanced approach needs to balance Fritz's aggressive confrontational

style. Ðuring this time,I also studied withlrmgard Bartenieff,-one of.the stu-

dentsofRudolfvonLaban,thegrandfatherofmoderndance'Irmgard(B*rtenieffand Lewis, 1gs0) taughi us effort-shape analysis and space har-

mony, which were exrrematy ,olnir,icared time-weight-flow analyses ofmovement. This system was applied to a wide range of issues, including ihe

analysi, of hospiialir.d p"y.'hi.tric patients (Davis, 1970),,workers in an

,rr.*bly tine, and .rorr-.uliu"l danie' I wrote my masteCs thesis at Hunter

college on the nonverbal correlates of valium on behavior and on couples in

therap'y. I still use effort-shape (Labanotation) in innumgralle wavs in my

*o,k, ,o'..imes it is just a subtle recording of nonverbal behaviors during a

NARRATIVE IDENTITIES

verbal therapy session, to overt dances that are movement choirsLaban-based structure like Race for the cure. In my writing, r havefìnd a verbal equivalent ofa process ranguage like Labanoiation orferapy as a language for psychotherapy that is based on the arts, andlinear medical model (Serlin, lgSg).

Finding one's voice as a woman was always a centrar area of myand clinical interest. simone de Beauvoir, virginia \JVoolf and rvrary tBateson \Mere "sisters," and I built later courses on Vy'omen and ñarrative oÉ,their theoretical foundations. I made pilgrimages to virginia worli;, t ""*îLondon, and spent a daywith Helaine de Beauvoir. I nol only read simone deBeauvoir's manifesto of the second sex, but I followed her footsteps throughcafils and the student demonsrrations in paris, 196g. she and sartre talked tð¿group of us students beforewe were tear gassed. I have explored and writtenabout the voices ofthose women artists who commit suicidi, and the dark sideof creativity called "The Anne sexron complex" (serlin, lgg4).students whotake courses in lvomen and Narrative study the lives of women role modelssuch as Marie curie, and discover imagistic (rather than verbal) narratives inthe lives of artists like Georgia o'Keefe. I may suggest that clienis get in touchwith the narratives of women in their family and cultural .ont.*t. Th.y mayfìnd inspiration in a family elder to guide them or discover their place within afamily context or set of traditions- or else they use narrative as a researchmethodology (Howard, l99l; Lieblich and Josselson, l99z; polkinghome,less).

I continue to stay interested in the psychology of women in many ways. Iinterviewed Aniela Jaffe about )ung and dancing (serlin , lggz'), co-\ryrote achapter on Women in Humanistic psychälogy for the Handbook of HumanisticPsycholog (serlin and criswell, 200r), belong to Division 35 (society for thestudy of \ilomên) and the vy'omen's caucus of the council of Representativesof thé APA. I currently supervise internls at a feminist clinic where we aredeveloping a training program with a depth psychorogical perspective. v/rit-ing about women,.creæing curicula, getting invoru.¿ in my^ professionalassociation are all forms of social activism for me, of trying to walk my talkand embody my values.

It was virginia tüoolf who asked: "who am I, what am I, and so on: thesequestions are. always floating about in me" (woorf, 1953, p.g5). I find thatrnany of my women clients suffer from various fonns of social oppression, andfìnding their authenric voice is another keysrone of their trterafy.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY

vement choirsvriting, I haverbanotation oron the aftE and not

ral:area of my researchIfa¡rd Mary Cathednemen 1n.d Narradve onginia tilbolf's house inrtonlyread Simone dehe¡ footsteps throughe and Sartre talked to a,: explored and writtenci{e, and the dark side,lgg4).Students who,f women role modelsn verbal) naratives inrat clients get in touch:al context. They mayer their þlace within a.arrative as a research1997; Polkinghorne,

omen in manyways.I'.n, 19921, co-wrote alandbook of Humanistic>n 35 (Society for thecil of Representatives.ilinic where we erecal perspective. Writ-f in my professionalying to walk my talk

rm I, and so onr these53, p.85): I fìnd thatocial oppression, andir therapy.

ReflectionBoth humanistic psychology and women's,ways of knowing share values"J*J;. p"rron.l á*pt'iJ*e, tacit ways of knowing (Polanyi' 1958)' the

;;;# of fìnding one's authentic voice (Maslow, 1962l,and a collabora- ,

tive method of psychotherapy (Hare-Mustin' 1983)' W'omenls ways of

knowing include the following elements:

1. Connec'tedness- using emPathy and intuition rather than argument and

separation to seek collaboration with others'

2. Socidl constntction of netbodolagia - seeking meaning rathet than truth

ttrougt descriptiå and qualitative research (Howard' 1991;

Polkinghorne, 1988)'

3. Tbe Setf -known in relationship with others' demonstrates the

"paradot of ,.frrrteness within connection" ()ordan' 1991' p'69)'

4. Dialogical knoa;ng-transforming en "It" into a "Thou" (Bubeç 1985;

5. Fæling-that which is inseparable from thinhing' "ltT: us to feel

ourselves ¡nto ti" world oi the other (Goldberger, 1996' p'22a1'

A postmodern PersPedive shares- an interest in "the situational and cultural

determinant, ormo*lng" and "the relationship benveel qo*"t and know-

ledge,,(Goldbergeç ióñ, p.t¡. Feminist thought extends humanistic values

;" ,i; ";.;;;iri.;tri*" (sþr'tnak, teelJ of bodv and earth'

The bodYItisoftenthroughwomen,sbodiesthattheirvoicescome.Theclinicalworkthatldidwithwomenwhowerelivingwithbreastcancerinvolvessomeofthemostprofoundtherapeuticexperiencesofmylife.Inlgg5,IorganizedanArts Medicin. progr; at the In'titott of Medicine and Philosophy at

Califo¡niaPacificMedicalCenter.IwonthreegrantsfromtheSusanKomenFoundation ," ,rg."iJ.',12-*r.k Da¡ce tvtedlc¡ne groups. we cteated

,*rg.ry "nd h.aling ritúals fo¡ e1¡h member as she dealt with masto-

mectomies .n¿ ,..oÍr*ctions (serlin et al.,2ooob). we participated in.tfe

Annuar Rac. ro, trr. ðore, and ent.r.d a coflaborative art proiect created by

the group into the eri.nrgu.u, exhibit in San Francisco \tre b;came activists

in the Hike Against rhe õdd' and sat at tables distributing literature about

resources.Doingtherapywiththisgroupisdifferentfromdoinguaditionalpsychotherapy, in *"1o nottd by oaiid spiegel et dt' (1989\'This approach is

:1.rì'l:l

-1

,¡1ì

.:1

212 NARRÄTIVE IDENTITIES

congruent with a feminist approach to psychotherapy, which isand egalitarian (Hare*Mustin, 1983).

The power of dance to heal had early roots in my interest in folk danceage l4,I began folk dancing in Israel. This was followed by a smallmance with my Zionist group in carnegie Hall when I was l'6, and years.iBalkan dancing. I traveled through the Balkans during the summer of 197danced in small villages in Yugoslavia, and lived in Turkey for one ronth."iliparticipated as a research assistant at columbia university with AIan Lomax,

1,É

the anthropologist who did cross-cultural field research in dance, uring ,'

Labanotation to document patterns of simplicity and complexity across cul-tural traditions. I still use folk dance as a foundation for my work, whether inthe "gerobics" groups I lead in nursing homes in Massachusetts or in thewarm-up for the annual Race for the Cure.

The ancestors - What's in a name?Being a triplet was rare. V/e heard fìgures of it being 1:10,O00 in those daysbefore any fêrtility medication. Nor was it part of our family history - it seemsto have been a complete fluke. Although we were each full weight and fullterm, and my mother gained so much weight that she couldn't see her feet, sheand my father said they believed their doctor who told them to expect onechild. So my mother and father had one boy's name prepared. Itwas Eric, andso my middle sister got the name Erica. VÍhen the naming got to me as the lastone, I got the fathers' names. For a girl to inherit the names of family men isunusual in a traditional Jewish family; howeveç the families of my parenrswere not traditional, and were involved in left-wing politics and labor unions,Yiddish music and culture.

I was named Ilene with the letter I for Isadore, my mother's father. Sheadored him, and was so desolate when he died that she promptly gor pregnanr- with us. The story about him is that he was a gentle and cultured soul whoearned a basic living as a house painter in the Bronx ("when the Bronx stillhad potato fìelds"). He came from Russia with his young bride from KamenetZPodolsky in l-Ikraine to New York Ciry rüe have a photo of him, small anddapþer, with his blonde and pretty young bride, in a (probably) rented suit andstiffsmile, taken in a Russian photography studio in New York in the early1900s. My mother came very close to naming me Isadora, but was afraid that Iwould be called lzzylikeher father. Nevertheless, I feel zure that the archetypeof Isadora Duncan runs deep in my soul. I live in her hometown, and am

:'i

AUTOBIOGR.APHY

ntere$ in folk dance.wed by a small perforlI was 16, and years of

g rhe summer of 1973.:rrkey for one month.Irsity wi¡h Alan [.omax,earch in dance, usingcomplexity across cul_r my work, whether inassachusetts or in the

:10,000 in those daysmily hisrory - ir seems:h full weight and full,uldn't see her feet, sheld them to expect one:pared. It was Eric, andrg got to me es the lastames of family men isämilies of my parenrsitics and labor unions,

l¡ mother's father Sherromptly gor Pregnentrnd cultured soul who"when the Bronx stillbride from Kamenetzrto of him, small andbably) rented suir andIew York in the earlya, but was afraid that Iure that the archetype: hometown, and am

working with colleagues on a chapter about her' Is she an irnage or template

for me? I think so'

In a self-made coming of age ceremony et 1g€ 30' when I went off to

#****#i:nån*f**'+¡4¡¡19¡¡''ffiwith a conscious "ppr.ãr,ion

ofthe l.gary it carried was an important part of

[t't.Jts ,.n,. àf idtntity during. my middle years'

My middle n.tt oìut' f *tt ptà'f "lfy 40 years old-bef^ore l-admitted this

to ânyone - the name ;*tt *o*d"d .tf nt"¡"*"us' In fact' I was actually

named for my f"tf,.¿' fttt"í Avraham' Abraham' or Avram' This grandfather'

whom I never k"t*,;;;l;*tibed by my father as a kind and scholarly man

who earned , ti.ring iä .*Jy *or.r aná a, a trilor on the Lower East Side of

New york. w. t n.* trr.,î. ila ,.,n. iibring, in theunited states, but never

knew that others did not come over from PJand and were sent to Treblinka'

Twoyearsagosomecousinsandldiscoveredthisfamilysecret.WevisitedBialystok, found the vìirrfa, or*oerelatives, and said Kaddish in Treblinka'

Knowing "U"* 'ftit i""of ty family.has made an enormous difference

in how I articulate *;'td","r ro áyselt Ñow f understood some of the pro-

found grief and **tã.rp.ii.n..¡ of my father and his family.I understood

agreatd-ealmoreaboutmyfather'sexPectationsforhischildren,andthefrus-tration of his havingï"''*rr. tt.trs å i¡h.rit the business he built' As the

family tomboy, t caried the math' soence' and sports role' Getting interested

inPoetryandFrenchliteraturemarkedmyinitiationintomywomanhood,aslfell in love for the fìrst time in my late teens. Getting back to math and science

has been a struggle ;;:.il.rgh I found *"ys to-call on my "inner tomboy"

to help me pass tt't p"ytft"f"gy"licensing exam' I understood asPects of my

sadness as carrying "'.iltorrl ãánne.tion to the Holocaust- I am now focused

on innerund outt' p'ytf'ologit't repair work' trying to fìnd a way to help

.,repâir the world,r: ,,äif.un O"t"r. I am.fìnding small ways to sustain family,

like visiting nly ft*f'"';' f'rents' graves in New York and cleaning and main-

taining th.rn. s".inf;fil pÉonal issues in the context of my family and

world politics giuJr"*'"n ¡'nvatuable perspective on them and helps me fìnd

*ryr,o *o.'. i'ot grief to reconstfl¡ction'

t

ReflectionIn my experience, many of us today are.':1,tlt"' lost' and do not know who

we are. The parents tfi'bJ;t"mers tried to forget the pain of World War II

254 NARRATIVE IDENTITIES

In one clinical .r::, gr example, a young client had lost both her parentswitfril e vear,and suddenry øuniner,jr,hå;;;u; ;ä;inê wâs wor_ried about the horidays and how she courd now rrt¿ tírå ø*iry together. nylt rling a shared space where ramily mernbers courd bring ih.i, f.uorit.christmas memenros of the parents and famiry, rhey were ,ui. i" tark abouttheir grief and also begin a process of rebuilding.

I have also noticed that the breakdown of traãitionar rerigious guiderineson how to live have reft many peopre with the task "f .;;;i"g their ownty:1*:f morality or spirituar berieß. They may come inro therapy with acrisis ofidenriry or meaning and purpose. e, r n"u. *r¡tten, I be-r-i-# rrrr,Çchologists shourd be prepared to dear with issues of refi;io;s ana spiritualdiversity in their training programs (Serlin, in press).

Articulating the self

1_f:tr: diary from age nine. One entry ar.age ren showed a struggle with myang€r towerd my motheç who would not let me go barefoot ourr"iã. because Ihad a cold. Looking at this entry 45 years rateç I was surprised not onry by thestrength of my feelings, bur arso the moral dimensions of mf questions; forexample, I wrestled over whether it was wrong to be angry toward my mother.I had r pt1** spor ar a lake near our house where i t ie ,y journars andcommuned with them -whire

sitting on a tree; carving out private íime within astrongly connected coilective has arways been an edge for,., n.uo.r;J;;always essentíal. Asking myserfquestions about ethiãs, merning, and motiva-tion were natural. I think I was perhaps an "old soul.,,

_ But reflecting on the famiry, tarking about family issues with each otherand our friends was â narurar path to psychorogy ror afl of us, and my middresister is a îamily therapist. Arthough we pickeãa simirar fì.íd, ho*.n ., ou,different perspectives reflect ou, p.rronriity and birth order differences. shewas the middle sisrer and known as the,?hiladelphia rr*y.r;*io mediated

ÂUTOBIOGRAP}IY

mistic Americanhotos and narratg traditions (Serlin øients, that some forr¡rstory can stabilizerd identity. lve need tti:ntalized or literalizedones. As we do thiq we:s.rd lost both her parentsly parent. She was wor_the family rogether. Byld bring their favoritewere able to talk about

:al religious guidelinesof creating their own

ne into therapy with aitten, I believe that psy-religious and spiritual

betweenhermorehot-heededbabyandoldersister.HerPhÞisfromanAPA;il;ä ;"ical psychology Program' while I was more attracted to the exis-

iån.i.tir. philosophero;;; anä the arts' Gestalt' humanistic and fungian

t"i:ifl;refore think that one,s choice of psychological.or philosophical

perspective is both t *ãtt'"t tf' *d,T llfluence

on' one's personality' Yet

ihe relationship between private e-x¡9ri1nce and its public expression is com-

olicated. one goal ti;ht"-Py' I thùk' is to bring about â greatl coherence

äïö;rt, .?-.*tu* "åínon-.ognitive, ratiãnal and non-rational levels'

individual "na g'oup, Àoies of e*perience and opt*1-G-lîg beyond

traditional di.hototå' tf *i"¿ "nibody' however' may mean going beyond

western, cartesian ñil;gr.noro,., ihirwas studying Gestalt theory and

therapy with f"ur. p.íil .t thîNew york Gestalt institute as a kind of "applied

philosophy," tt'tn riúti* "o¿ani't'

and phenomenological and archetypal

psychology ,t tt. uni*rsity of Dallas' l try to ground my observations in

some form of pom¡t'ï"ttioi" got involvedin Division 32 of the Amlican

Prychological¡ssociation,anda-spast-PresidentandRepresentativetoCoun-cil, I tried to fepresenr a hurnanistic PersPective in traditional psychology

(Serlin ø al., ZOOOal .^- i- rirp *ns hasic traiTheearþexp",ien..ofbeinganobserverinlifewasbasictrainingformy

becoming, p"y*'offii nt*ã*t.the,guestions I asked myself were not

addressed fy p"ytf'"fJgy' but "tf'ttby pf''ito*opny' I fould in Gide my afÏìr-

mation that one nri-.oîr""f. out of the-bourg.ãir'fr.ily in order to find real

authenticity *d fi;;;;çonty the bastardias a right to be free")' At the

University of Michigan, a groïP of :^s

c"'ttd courses ãn humanistic and exis-

tential psychology,?"i i"ioairciplinary courses in French and psychology'

we had student ri -;;, "; practiced activism, discussing our actions in our

philosophy .r"r, onäi.r.niialism with Fritzhof Bergmann. I was seriously

interested:in i,,ut' ]|;|.1,;;t'ciry family and government oPPres$ion',

personal and political liberation'

Spirit and PsYche .-,--^-.Findingcoherenceamongallmyparßwasnotase¿syasitmayhavesoundedabove, and these p"t' *J" often in tonflitt' For exámple':nt n!1!::*ir:11psychology * tf'"'UoJtrsity of D.{tas was grounded in a conservatwe

contemplativ. C"t'otit tont"it tradition' and iwas alewish dance therapist

from New y"rk. ;;;;f.ri.*i"g the soåetimes exciuciating squeeze of a

male authorita'itn ¿la*sioom and paper writing disciplines' I saw more clearþ

ued a struggle with myefoot outside because Irprised not only by thers of my questions; forgrytoward mymother.I hid my journals andrt private time within afbr me, never easy, butmeaning, and motiva-

issues witll each otherI of us, and my middlelar fìeld, however, ourorder differences. She

'who mediated

NARRATIVE IDENTITIES

by contrast the world from which I came and took for granted. yetpropelled me into action to reclaim my own life. Having toreclaim my Judaism led me back to temple and the mentorship of athinking rabbi and philosophy professor. I was homesick in,Dallas, notfor familiarity, immediate family and friends, but also for my tribe. A fewlateç I \Ment back to Israel to rediscover my Zionist roots, was able tothe idealist image of Israel from my youth with the reality of the volatiltcountry today, and come ro terms with my having left Judaism. I srudied formy Bat Mitzvah with a woman rabbi and group of women, and chanting theancient melodies was a high point when I turned 50. Yet I continue to strugglewith the role of women in )udaism, and try to find places to bring a femin-istperspective into the tradition. For example, each year at Passover I offer aMiriam's dance at the place in the text where the Red sea parts. since Miriam'ssong is the fìrst song in the Bible, the women play tambourines and dance in aserpentine line around the Passover tables in a tribute to the gifts of Miriamthe Prophetess.

I rediscovered judaism in the community. I spent Shabbaton withChassidic families, danced all night with the Torah, aná joined with Starhawk(1988), Ester Broneç and other )ewish warrior women to create an all-women's Torah Scroll that is now housed in the )ewish Women's Library inLos Angeles. I lived near and visited the Israel Levin Center on Venice Beachwritten about so movingly by BarbaraMyerhoff, an anthropologist who livedwith, loved, and wrote about these old Jewish people (Myerhoff, 1978). AsGelya Frank described Myerhoff's method: "Myerhoff's vision of the peopleat the Israel Levin Center was e form of redemption through historization.She assumed the role of a granddaughter who took time from her bury andsuccessFul life to give her'grandparents'the recognition and respect theydeserved" (Frank, 1995, p.209). Years later, I worked in nursing homes whereI often experienced myself as their granddaughter, and was given a lot of lovein return. It is a different form of transference, and the healing happensthrough this love.

My own path through spirituality is in some ways typical of others of mygeneration. Not finding a spiritual connection in the suburban reformJudaismof my childhood, I turned to Buddhism in my twenties. I became a student ofthe notorious Tibetan Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, and taught dancetherapy at the Naropa Institute. Learning meditation has been another corner-stone of my therapeutic practice. It comes into play whether I am sitting in atherapeutic session, or teaching someone to center and focus. I have tried towrite about bringing spiritual perspectives and practices into psychorherapy

lor granted. yet itTaving to: m€ntor.ship of a;ick in Dallas, notrrmytribe.Afew)ts, was able to balancereality of the volatile,

lJudaisin. I studied formen, and chanting the:t I continue to struggleces to bring a feministr at Passover I offer ala perts. Since Miriam'srourines and d¿nce in ato the gifts of Miriam

rent Shabbaton withtjoined with Starhawkmen to create an all-h Women's Library inenter on Venice Beach.hropologist who lived(Myerhoff, 197S). As's vision of the peoplerhrough historization.me from her busy andtion and respect theynursing homes where

was given a lot of lovethe healing happens

ypical of others of myrurban reformludaismI became a student of

e, and taught dance; been another corner-ether I am sitting in a

I focus. I have tried to:s into psychotherapy

AUTOBIOGRÀPHT 2'7

(Serlin, in press), while also being cautious about spiritu"lity:T:I*es being

used as a defense against feeling."I have found the Buddhist Abhidharm¿ to be

il;",j,];üsopärri..,.d pslichological system with a taxonomy of human

thought, emotion ,nd tttion baseÀ on thousands of years of meditation

i"rtgñit. u ¡t another fluid, process-oriented language' very dif:1nt from the

r"r? ,igia \Mestern ry*.t' that emphasize psychopathology' While I strug-

gled for some years with not knolüng whether I was |ewish or Buddhist' I

äun¿ my wayto Ju-Bu" through )ungian analysis and writing about this

experience (Serlin, 1986). ro thñ day, ithink of Buddhism as my spirit and

)udaism as my soul' ¡ld not be found in Gestalt and

These questions of soul and depth cor

humanistic psychology, and I began to delve into ]ungian psychology' I stud-

ied with )ames ginmåi during r":y grrdo.te work at the University of Dallas,

and entered )ungian analysis ai thtrãln.. I did a Pfe-doctoral internship at the

ä.c. l¡tg rirtiãrt" of ros Angeleg and studied in the sandtray room of the

Children's Clinic- )ungian p'litftobgy gave me an archetypal and symbolic

language system that ias inu'tu"Ultlorãepth therapy work' both verbal and

dance. I taught in Zutich, where I experienced a more pure archetypal

,fpror.h. I fänd the stories and myths enchanting' yet at times disembodied

and forced. I was uncomfortable with discussions about )ung's relationship

with the Nazi party, and found some traditions underlying classical )ungian

ttreoryto be ,o.i,lly,.g,essive' I learned more about the feririnine as an arche.

,yp. ,na my own fámñ¡ne side, while I also rebelled against it as dogma. My

mentofs in the jungian world were primarily creative and nontraditional ther-

apists on the fringes of the )ungian communiry for example' Ernie Rossi'

MarvinSpiegelman,¡amesHillm-an,andAndrewSamuels.Tothisday"how-.u"r l stilifeãl very a|o^,t..dto aJungian depth perspectivç' and it informs my

work thoroughlY.

ReflectionHaving a spiritual perspective in psychology raises a diffìcult question: To

what extent i, ou, ¡d"nåry that of oot cultural and historical context, and to

*t à, "",.n, is our real identity a spiritual essence? I once heard Jean Bolen say

thatfromaspiritualPersPectiveweafeprimarilyspiritstemporarilyin-habiting this úody in thi, time .nd place, whereas a humanistic perspective

õ; * we are påmarily humans inìhis time and place, but have spirituality

inournature.rhatdefìnitionhasremainedwithmesincethen,andseemsuseful. I have believed both passionately at one time or another'

NÀRRATTVE IDENTITIES

- Howeveç having a spirituar perspective on psychorogy can immer

ï:.:j:,,ï^:1,1ïi1.1:.l.Echoingpersonatissuã*il,.ï,"rriry,r,*universal energies can help a person emerge from the .o.oon oÊ,preoccupation with self.

Conclusionselves are fluid and escape defìnition. Howevet over time my afÏìriations,writingg and clinical work have grown into commitment. This commitmenthas taken the shape of a perspective which is sirnurtaneousry humanistic_depth-feminist-somatic-artistic. r/fhat these theories share is the importanceof personal experience, tacit ways of knowing, horism, and interconnect_edness. These qualities are embodied through rúationshþ

"ngrçr.n, *iit,the world, and creative work as a psychotñerapist- At ,ná .ri¿,ï.re is thequestion posed by the poet, Mary oliver, about how each ofus wiil live this onewild and wonderful life.

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Friedman, M. (1985) Tbe Høting Diaroguc in ps2chothoapy.New york: Jason Aronson.Gaard, G. (1993) Ecofcninin: womex, Ånimars, Naørc philaderphia: Tempre university press.Gergen, K. (199t) The tunmted klfNew york: Basic Books.Gilligan, C. (19S2) In a Difocnt Voice Cambñd,ge, MA: Harvard University press.Goldberger, N-' (19961 Knøtrrdge, Difonce and pn:er: womaís wa2s ofKnowingNew york:

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TT

T.::1:',i rhe undergraduate prol::j*:ï .' *: p,,.ii".lr,r,.,pf1m Du9lesne University in eitst

Christopher M. Aanstoos receiffte¡ havlng Feviously taught at .

U"g,1e øculv at the Uniñrsityls¿ Fellow ofthe Amedcan psyclDivisio¡ of Humanistic nqychób¡¡urrgntly on rhe editorial boa¡ds iP ylch o I ogy and Journa I of Human isti1.t1rsio1 of Theoretical and philorin Psycholog¡ ¡nd of the Human

,lTl-tt¡ schotarly anicles and chap

¡ssues concerning the conceptuaiTl.T." and on the phenomenolotnrnking, consciousness, lifespan jStee_n H-alling is a licensed psyc;Seattl_e, WÀ, where f¡e teaches in th,

To¡-o¡to Canada. Sincè t976, hcpublications have focused on topícsï pVcholathology, psychobþmagination,_the history of phînoSsearcn methods He is ediior of)Y:n"t and co-edito¡, with Roilfno lV Plenum, New york, r 989and at pretoria University in South Ain Pennsylrrania. '.

Lois.Holzman is a founder and Di¡rsyct¡otherapy, an internadonal resecleelopment and community, locatedcreato¡ofsocial therapy she has adrar,-*:11T l.eaTing and developmauterefreudc, health, organizational enrcurrentüends in postmodern and critirtr#;y;i;:,#i:":i,w