Absence makes the heart grow fonder

This proverb appears in English literature quite often, probably more than any other proverb taught to us at high school or any other institute. To be honest I am quite fascinated with it…mostly because of the deep meaning it invokes. You might hear it more often if you happen to drop in on a funeral house or a parlor. I have heard it a lot even though I am only twenty two years old. The loss of a loved one makes you dream of nothing but this proverb. I recall a poem that I learnt for English literature. The poem was Paying Calls by Thomas Hardy. I believe the poet depicts a life experience. For some reasons he had left his birth place to go to the city; he probably spent a few decades in the city. He must have felt the urge to return to his home-town at least for a day to see his old friends. He records the great misfortune that befell him in the town,

“It was the time of midsummer

When they had used to roam;

But now, though tempting was the air,

I found them all at home.”

It seemed though he recalled some of the activities of the people who were once perhaps very close to him. He records his experience as one of utter dismay. Rather he wasn’t expecting what he saw at his home town. The environment was bubbling with joy and it certainly would generate temptations in the minds of anybody to roam around, to inhale fresh summer breeze and perhaps encounter people and make new friendships. However, all his friends were at home or in other words they were all resting in their graves. As I read this poem a couple of times during my class, I saw an illustrated image of its significance. The poem truly embodies the English proverb, ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’. Thomas Hardy teaches us a valuable lesson through his own life experience. It is a simple but powerful message.

This photograph onto the left portrays my grandfather and one of his all-time favorites. He was Don Gunadasa Kalupahana, an educated gentleman whose character was thoroughly fortified with his immense generosity. However, quite recently he demised. Well as far as I was concerned it was a bolt from the sky. I wasn’t at home in Sri Lanka on that particular day. It’s needless to say I was close to him; perhaps it could be an understatement. I believe that the youth get attached to the grandparents much easily. However, I haven’t any regrets, but I do feel guilty for the fact I wasn’t present at home to have our last conversation. Sometimes when you are close to someone you care one tends to forget reality; you forget that life and anything else that comes with it is mortal. This very misconception makes a disappointment

look like a cataclysmic event. I believe I could state that the demise of my grandfather as the best possible example to substantiate my point.

However this explanation cannot be related to every predicament. The fast moving, competitive economy of today makes a person obliged to commit every possible ounce of his energy to the work he is doing. This aspect of today is beneficence as far as the economy is concerned, but on the other hand it is a great misfortune as far as the family is concerned. The more one dedicates to work the lesser he will have for his family. This unfortunately is all-inclusive.

Let us assume a working couple, who happens to live with the mother of either the woman or the man; as they prepare to leave the residence to be punctual at the work place they would kiss their mother or mother-in-law goodbye for the day. Late in the evening they would return from work, and they would greet the same person they kissed goodbye in the morning only this time both parties are tired mentally as well as physically. However, the old lady feels tiredness the most. Why? The answer could be a little complicated; she is old and perhaps frail in so many aspects. Despite her age she has lived her life and the human brain has the incredible ability of storing memories. Occasionally memories can generate pain. This is because the memories imply of an era of your life when you were able and when you had a numerous closely associated people with whom you had had formed great friendships over the years but most importantly an era where you were happy; your family was there for you, your children were growing beside you, your spouse had a lot of time to spend with the family. These memories start flowing out of the great archives in the unconscious mind when you are lonely. Albert Einstein explained the theory of Relativity; likewise your mind tends to conclude that in times yonder life was much more light and happy relative to the present times. With this conclusion the mind and the soul starts longing for the times yonder. Precisely this could be analyzed as a form of mental stress in Medicine. The three stages of stress occur subsequently as time goes by, and then the final stage would take its toll on you – fatigue or exhaustion. Stress is an incredible phenomenon which has the ability to even shorten ones’ life span. It increases telomeric degradation at least twofold resulting in the subsequent increased rate of ageing. Stress kills your immunity and makes you susceptible to many a disease. The summated result of all these factors would be an early departure from the world of the living.

In the present 21st century the idea of a parent or some other elderly relative moving in with his young kin could be related to the event where one purchases an expensive suit of furniture. At first it is precious to the person; he treats it with the proper chemicals and dusts it thoroughly. However, with the passing time you might lose interest in it. This could be fueled by your strenuous work. Then, the person takes it for granted; it becomes an ornamental piece. Likewise the old kin too turns into a suit of furniture. This isn’t an isolated incident, but rather a predicament with an incredible rate of dispersion.

Various social based researches prove that a large number of old parents feel that they have been taken for granted. This has had a tremendous contribution to increased numbers of homes for the elderly. The competitive economy however is hardly to be blamed; following the industrial revolution the world underwent a drastic transformation. Isolationism ceased to exist with the gradual development of global exploration. Competition came to be a way of life at an international level, and subsequently civilian life changed. Soon money became the leading commodity in vastly developing countries. A considerable

number of eminent poets wrote about the horrific aftermath of the Industrial Revolution. They saw the old world burn in the fires of industry and greed; they saw the vast green meadows disappear with the emergence of factories; they saw the beautiful flower beds dying as the air became toxic; most importantly they saw the demise of tranquility and human values. The consequences were severe even though we are yet to experience some of the horrific aftermaths of the transformation that was the Industrial Revolution (in regard to global warming); but that is another matter for another time. Along with the old world the ancient kingdoms too started their gradual decline. However, the commendable fact is the development of Science and all its’ grand sub-divisions; medicine, Nano-technology…etc. In spite of all the good aspects of this racy development of the 21st century the toll on the humanity was one of dismay.

In Medieval Europe, the power that was once centralized was distributed among the powerful and wealthy landlords who claimed to be noblemen. However, during Restoration in the 17th century the power was once again centralized and proper monarchy was restored. This indeed lay seed to the Golden Era of many a European Nation. In 1660 when King Charles the Second issued the Declaration of Breda the people accepted the fact that the time for monarchy has come back. Thus, the torture and corruption of the Medieval Era had come to an end.

However, in 1760, at the dawn of the Industrial Revolution many a scholar witnessed the preparation of the foundation to an unfortunate era that would take its’ toll almost a century or so later in the 19th and the 20th centuries. The general population was losing the interest in books and the essence of democracy was being developed. The people who read the books developed an impeccable capacity for concepts and dreams; these very concepts and theories were put to the test and they led to great inventions. Hence the sciences developed, but underneath this development people realized they were also capable of revolutions. This led to great unrest in the world, tensions developed between nations. The once secure European nations were no longer secured; war was on the horizon for every country. The once loyal, obedient subjects now committed regicide and brutally eliminated their sovereigns. The gradual emergence of democratic nations was seen at the end of the Industrial Revolution. People needed and desired freedom. Well, freedom is a very complex word; of course it is essential to mankind. However, freedom at times could have the unintended consequences. Democracy dictates the importance of freedom of speech, but it fails to speak of a limit for this freedom. This as a matter of fact has given people the right to question or even taunt at people who are meant to be given respect. Teachers and parents can be taken as the best possible examples; both these parties are experiencing the unfortunate decline of appreciation of their duties. We have heard countless accounts on child disobedience and how they despise their elders at times. The same predicament is often present in the school environment; students fearlessly stand against the authority of their warden or the administration and such people often end up being the role models of the younger generations. This in fact is apocalyptic because the childhood disobedience is often carried forward as the child grows, and eventually he could end up in a position which he would ultimately regret. Freedom can be related to a spontaneous reaction. Molecular chemistry dictates that a spontaneous reaction has a high level of entropy; the term entropy states about the level or amount of disorder in a particular system or reaction. A child growing up with complete freedom could be an equivalent to a spontaneous reaction;

there are hardly any restrictions. It’s almost as if the child is growing spontaneously in all aspects without proper guidance. Thus, the entropy could be tremendous. There could be numerous detours throughout the course of his growth and perhaps he could even be driven astray by the mistakes he makes. Today the appropriate environment has been prepared for many a child to go astray. The media networking has been instrumental in this cause; the internet comprises a countless number of inappropriate websites which are capable of arousing temptation in the minds of the youth who access them. Most of these create an enmity in the mind, one that is directed at any adult who is sensible enough to give any sort of advice regarding the horrific aftermaths of these so called detours. Today thousands of teenagers worldwide have issues with their parents. These issues often drive them away from home. Some even go to the extent of forgetting their parents.

Usually parents of the middle and lower classes undergo enormous amounts of pressure and pain to raise their children; despite the adverse economic conditions they sacrifice a lot to make sure their children overcome the hardships of life and ascend the social ladder in order to be in a higher position in society. Most importantly these particular parents always strive as hard as they could to offer a better childhood to their children; a childhood better than the one they had. However, this sometimes asks a lot from the parents; sacrifices. Occasionally one comes across a couple of parents who literally dump their kids due to their inability to make the necessary sacrifices. The stereotypic view of the contemporary children is probably responsible for this. We have seen and heard of several instances where the youth ungratefully send their parents to facilities. Their involvement in the highly competitive society has perhaps compelled them to give up on their parents; their responsibilities, taking care of their parents when their faculties grow frail with age. Caring for them is probably the least possible gratitude that can be shown for raising somebody. These examples influence the young couples who are planning to have a biological child, hence the hasty decision to abort the fetus or even dumping the newly born infant.

However, as human beings we have inherited the unique ability to look back at our own individual lives. This usually occurs during old age, when a person has much time to think about life, the way he had spent it and about all the mishaps. Sometimes people suffer emotionally as they regret for their wrong doings in the past.

A child who deliberately ignored his parents probably due to the busy schedule or a disagreement would definitely remember them in the event of their demise. In fact they tend to cry the most. An eminent British poet expresses this as trumpeting their grief; it’s the presentation, a combination of make believe grief and genuine regrets. They endeavor to pretend their great loss but in fact it is a great loss for them as deep down in their hearts they regret for all the negligence, the sharp words they had used against them and even committing them to facilities. However, at this point the regret is too painful because it is too late; they are no longer among the living. Sometimes the way most grandparents are being treated today gives me concept of relating them to suit of furniture. Both the suit of furniture and the grandparent are being taken for granted, they could be priceless and one dusts them regularly but does so only out of the obligation of keeping a clean house and even use it to gloat your immense success in life. However, there is one important difference; in the event of their deterioration the suit of furniture despite the cost is replaceable whereas the grandparent is not replaceable. Once you lose them they

could never be replaced with a monument, or any other material you could purchase. Then one tends to comprehend the reality of the proverb: ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder.’

Death is inevitable; we all have to face this reality. The demise of a loved one is always one of immense pain, but when you have the knowledge that you treated the person the way he was supposed to be treated, it eases the pain at least a little fraction of it, because your conscience isn’t one of guilt.

By: Visith Dantanarayana