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“We Used To Share A Room…” UNDERSTANDING THE WORLD OF A GRIEVING SIBLING
Leslie Delp, MA
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Olivia’s House
830 South George Street York, PA 17403717-699-1133
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A GRIEF AND LOSS CENTER FOR CHILDREN
Nana Deitrich:w
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A BEREAVED SIBLING
Am I Still A Sister? We are often shuttled off to friends
and left out of our family. I know you do this to protect us from
painful feelings, but please…let us be a part of our family!
-ALLIE SIMS
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Identifying and Dispelling:
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THE MYTHS OF GRIEVING SIBLINGS
MYTHw
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When a sibling is dying, children have no problem
sitting on the sidelines of the family circle.
REALITY
Children become jealous of situations that keep their parents occupied, a dying
sibling is no different.
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MYTH
Parents have no problem determining where to put their energies when their
child is terminally ill.
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Most parents are torn between the dying child and their surviving children. This
dilemma is one of the most difficult at the time of the
illness.
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REALITY
Children are lethargic and sad all the time when
experiencing the illness and death of a sibling.
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MYTH
Children’s grief is often expressed through energy
and activity; It is called, a “grief burst”.
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REALITY
It is typical for a child to be a “Super-Perfect Kid” during the
illness of a sibling.
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MYTH
Some children strive to be super heroes when the family
is coming apart but most children act out negatively
while expressing their grief.
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REALITY
Children’s fears are often addressed during and after the death of their sibling.
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MYTH
Surviving siblings can have irrational fears that they
keep to themselves, as a way of protecting their grieving
parents.
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REALITY
Most children “move on” soon after the death of their
sibling since there is not a relationship anymore.
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MYTH
Children heal and process bereavement when
encouraged to “redefine the relationship” with their
deceased sibling.
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REALITY
Most teens are oblivious to their parents and could care less if they see them smile. They live in their own world
during the teen years!
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MYTH
Teens are very protective of their parents and tend to
assume the role of a parent while the parent mourns their loss. They feel most
secure when the family returns to a routine and
parents set boundaries again.
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REALITY
New siblings born after the death create harmony in the family because they fill the
empty void.
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MYTH
No child ever fills the void of a deceased child. The sibling
born after the death will create their own relationship
with the deceased.
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REALITY
Teens have no desire to have a social life or be involved in outside activities because they feel the need to stay close to home during and
after the death of a sibling.
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MYTH
The “Independence vs. Dependence” struggle is a
very real part of the developmental work a teen
must do as they process loss.
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REALITY
Children experience relief when their sibling finally passes and they feel very
little guilt at all.
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MYTH
All children feel a sense of relief when the family is no
longer observing a death vigil but it brings along an
enormous amount of guilt.
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REALITY
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Ways To HelpoROUTINEoEXERCISE AND SUNSHINEoPEER SUPPORT PROGRAMSoPROACTIVE BEREAVEMENT – “A TINY BOAT AT SEA”oRESOURCES SUCH AS BOOKS, JOURNALS, RITUALS
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To Those Who Don’t KnowIf you could imagine the loneliest moment of your
entire life, remember exactly how your body felt in that moment, empty those feelings into an expanding pill and swallow it.
Then you could begin to imagine what it feels like to live through the loss of your sibling. I have one hand in happiness, the memories we made together. And one hand in isolation, the world without my brother.
I constantly push and pull in an attempt to firmly remember, yet triumphantly live a positive life!
- SCOTT – WRITTEN IN MEMORY OF HIS BROTHER CHRIS
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