THE ART OF ACTING OUT: "Phill Collins Gets A Makeover"

By

Gregory D. Aronoff

greg.aronoff@gmail.com

INT. FAMILIAR COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT

We dolly through the coffee shop and see tables full of

PATRONS drinking from large white mugs and eating pastries.

THEN THE SCREEN SPLITS

And JACK ACE, seated at a large table full of COLLEGE GUYS,

pushes his chair back from a heated class discussion.

Meanwhile in the other screen a CUTE BRUNETTE, who’s at a

table full of CANOODLING COUPLES, pushes her chair back.

Both walk to the counter.

As they’re looking at the chalk menu, both have a comic

book-esque thought bubble slowly appear. Jack’s is of a cat,

while Cute Brunette conjures a rooster.

As Jack and Brunette glance over and notice one another,

THE SPLIT SCREEN MERGES TO ONE

He smiles at her and she coyly smiles back.

Quick cut to black and the Roostercat name & logo appears.

We pull back and we’re

INSIDE SANTIAGO’S

Where our hero PHILL COLLINS is in line, looking at a laptop

on someone’s table.

He turns and sees INDY GIRL also watching the laptop.

A thought bubble begins to appear above Phill...

PHILL’S THOUGHT BUBBLE: A cat nears an unused scratch post.

Indy Girl looks over and Phill - does nothing. He shyly

smiles then immediately looks away.

PHILL’S THOUGHT BUBBLE: The cat leaves, and we see a quick

time lapse of the the scratch post dying & decaying.

Phill looks like he might hyperventilate. So he closes his

eyes and does a weird breathing/stretching routine.

When he opens his eyes, he sees Indy Girl staring at him.

2.

PHILL

Oh, sorry, that’s a relaxing thing

I learned from acting class.

CUTE GIRL WITH GLASSES

Oh - you’re an actor? That’s so

cool! Have you been in anything?

PHILL

Well, let’s just say nothing legal.

Her smile slowly fades and is replaced with concern.

PHILL

Oh, no I meant legit. Like low...

She nods like ’got it freak’ and quickly steps away.

PHILL’S THOUGHT BUBBLE: The scratch post dives into a grave.

TONY (OS)

Good grief.

INT. TONY’S BOOTH - DAY

TONY swallows and points, while Phill looks at a script.

TONY

Good beef.

PHILL

Did you read this? It’s for...

Phill looks both ways before continuing.

PHILL

(whispering)

Feminine hygiene? And my character

Pat is super weird, I mean he’s

always asking...

TONY

Phill you know what happens after

this? You join the acting family.

The hard part is just getting in.

Phill sighs and looks down at the "Itchapuss" script.

3.

INT. JOEY’S CAR - DAY

Phill is still looking down, now in the passenger seat of

JOEY’s car as they pull up.

JOEY

That’s just - embarrassing.

JOEY has ice on his groin and eating a greasy burger.

JOEY

I mean, it’s old man softball. Just

totally wasn’t paying attention.

We whip pan to:

EXT. SOFTBALL FIELD - DAY

The field is empty.

We reach the benches and Joey is making out with BLONDE

COLLEGE GIRL. A hand taps Joey’s shoulder. Joey turns and

OLD SOFTBALL GUY rares back and swings for Joey’s manhood.

BACK TO PRESENT

Joey shifts the ice uncomfortably.

JOEY

Doctor said it’d be bad if I use it

too soon. And you know me. So I

wanna avoid all girls for a week.

PHILL

Eating that should make it easier.

JOEY

Greasy comfort food cures all. Will

you toss this?

Joey hands him his burger wrapper. Phill jumps out and

tosses the wrapper in a sidewalk trash can, then turns and

sees three MUSCULAR GUYS with their hands up.

Then Phill sees their armed assailant... OLD LADY WHITE.

She backs up and Phill could easily tackle her. But he

doesn’t. Instead he just watches as she hops in an idling

car and drives off.

Joey has now (slowly) gotten out and joins Phill on the

sidewalk.

4.

JOEY

So what’s this part?

PHILL

I play a guy named Pat Anderson.

There’s no description, but I see

him like a sensitive jock type.

They begin to walk - Joey holding his icepack.

JOEY

I mean like, what’s it for?

PHILL

Well, he’s really interested in,

um, health habits. And we’re doing

it live, which is crazy.

JOEY

Dude, what’s it...?

They stop as two CUTE COEDS walk ahead of them.

INT. BEHIND SET - DAY

Phill and Joey share a look as they’re surrounded by girls.

Then we see a seven-foot cutout of an Asian inspired Octopus

with one tentacle covering its mouth titled "ItchAPuss".

Phill turns and sees her...

Amongst all the girls, JENNIFER stands out with a soft

angelic light. And her hair blows slightly in the wind.

Pull back and see TECHNICIAN fixing the fan blowing on her.

We pull back further and there’s a STUDENT FILM CREW filming

the Technician and other behind the scenes stuff.

While Phill stares at Jennifer, Joey walks to a table full

of tampons, and quickly turns them into nunchucks.

PHILL

What are you five?

He hands them to Phill and goes back for more.

VOICE

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Phill turns and is mortified to see Jennifer - judging him.

5.

JOEY

Yeah Phill, seriously, grow up!

JENNIFER

I mean if you’re gonna make bad ass

nunchucks, make some for everyone.

She does slow motion karate. It’s clear - Phill is in love.

JENNIFER

Are you the P.A. for this?

Phill looks down at his script with Pat Anderson on it.

PHILL

P.A.? Oh yeah, that’s me.

JENNIFER

So, we’re actually filming this

commercial live? That’s crazy!

She looks over and sees her boyfriend Jack Ace talking to

PAT LYONS THE DIRECTOR. She waves goodbye to Phill and joins

the others.

Phill stares at her when he hears...

JOEY

Dude, I’m gonna rip my stitches.

Phill raises an eyebrow and looks at Joey, who is covering

his face with his hand and trying really hard to not look at

the stretching coeds.

PHILL

Stitches?

VOICE

Phill?

The actual BURLY P.A. motions for Phill to walk with him.

Phill pats Joey (lightly) on the shoulder and walks with the

PA.

BURLY P.A.

Sure you wanna do this?

PHILL

I’m ready to join the family!

Before they actually exit the studio, P.A stops Phill.

6.

BURLY P.A.

You’re using this part to join the

family? So your parents don’t

know?

Phill mumbles as he stares at Jennifer with Jack Ace.

P.A. looks at Phill with awe, then leads him out.

INT. MAKEUP STATION - DAY

We’re behind Phill as JOAN LADEN the makeup lady, with her

big poof and constant gum popping works on Phill.

JOAN LADEN

Then it hit me - pretend to be a

statue till they left.

Her hands are all a whirl like Edward Scissor Hands.

PHILL

Um... There’s no description of my

character. How do you know what Pat

Anderson looks like?

Before she can answer, P.A. runs up and puts hands on hips.

BURLY P.A.

(out of breath)

Have you seen ... Joey?

JOAN LADEN

Oh my god - are you being haunted

by the ghost of Joey Ramone too?!

Phill and P.A. share a look.

BURLY P.A.

No, Joey - Phill’s friend. We’re

running off to get married!

PHILL

Does Joey know about this?

BURLY P.A.

Phill, I have you to thank. You

gave me the courage to stop living

a lie and embrace who I really am.

Then P.A. runs off - with an exaggerated feminine gait.

7.

PHILL

You’re welcome?

Joey climbs out and does a double take at Phill.

JOEY

Why didn’t I think of that?! I went

with the gay angle.

From Phill’s reaction, Joey continues.

JOEY

Member that time you were fasting

when you were twelve, then you saw

that candy bar and couldn’t control

yourself? Well, what if you didn’t

eat for a year, then found yourself

suddenly surrounded by candy?

PHILL

It’s been a day.

JOEY

Feels like a year, okay? So I

figured I’d just avoid the candy

all together... and told everyone I

was gay.

PHILL

Of course you did. Why does he

think you’re getting married?

JOEY

I dunno - I just asked for ice.

Joey motions to his junk.

PHILL

And from that he thinks you’re

engaged?

JOEY

I couldn’t concentrate with all the

girls around. He was talkin about

like old Hollywood and beards, and

got all excited when I said I

liked the Spartacus movie too. I

dunno. I tuned out and started

wonderin how I’d get through the

week.

Joan Laden digs in her bag and hands Joey a pill.

8.

JOAN LADEN

Here’s some aspirin.

Joey swallows the pill, then ducks down and scrambles away.

JOAN LADEN

Wonder if I gave him the right one?

She shrugs and admires Phill.

PHILL

How do I look?

All at once, she puts a wig on Phill and spins him around.

Phill sees his reflection - a long haired girl stares back.

Then Joan gets out the hot wax and a skirt.

We hear a slow RIIIP.

INT. BEHIND SET - DAY

In the corner, Joey is sweating and rocking himself in the

fetal position - clearly on some kind of narcotic as he

applies duct tape to his eyes and ears.

JOEY

Must .... block out... girls.

From there, we dolly to the set. Phill, dressed as female

Pat, paces nervously with script in hand.

JENNIFER

I wouldn’t worry about it.

Phill turns and sees Jennifer. But she’s not reacting to him

wearing a dress.

PHILL

(testing waters)

You think I’ll fool them?

JENNIFER

I made a career of it. I’m

Jennifer.

PHILL

Um, Phillis? ... What’s with the

baby Burton crew?

9.

JENNIFER

(looks at student crew)

Pat wanted to capture the making of

a live commercial... I’m just

hoping I don’t embarrass myself.

PHILL

Naw you’re a natural. I mean, we

just met, but I can tell you’ll be

a star.

She gushes a little as Pat walks over looking irritated.

PAT LYONS THE DIRECTOR

Actors to set! And someone call

Stuart again. Tell him he’s fired!

Phill and Jennifer share a look as the set starts to bustle.

INT. BEHIND SET - DAY

WE SEE Phill and Jennifer acting on the monitor. But we’re

back in the corner with Joey, who’s holding his stomach.

JOEY

Greasy comfort was a bad choice.

LOUD STOMACH RUMBLING

Joey stands up and tries to pull off the tape, but it won’t

give. He tries again and again, getting more frustrated.

LOUD STOMACH GRUMBLE

With eyes taped, Joey walks - running into CREW and props

and somehow tangles himself with the Itchapuss banner...

ON SET

Phill and Jennifer and all the extras walk in front of a

gray screen.

JENNIFER

Oh, it’s actually P.H., not ’ph’.

PHILL

And you can cause problems if you

fiddle with your - P.H?

Suddenly Joey fucking CRASHES into the CUE CARD GIRL!

10.

JENNIFER

(trying to focus)

Yes, fiddling... can cause all

sorts of problems.

Pat picks up the cue cards and is about to swing at Joey

when Jack Ace starts laughing uncontrollably.

PHILL

I see that. And I’m embarrassed,

because I’ve been - a dirty girl.

Pat looks at Phill for a second before swinging at Jack.

Jennifer freezes and her face falls. Eyes getting moist.

Phill takes in the scene. Emotion sweeps across his face as

he sees Jennifer near tears. And he YANKS OFF HIS WIG!

Only it doesn’t budge. So he tries again. And again.

Everyone stops and looks at him.

Finally - success! He spikes the wig!

PHILL

(looking at camera)

Don’t you wish ... we could all

walk a mile in each others

shoes? To know ... what the other

person is going through?

Phill looks over at Jennifer.

PHILL

To know you’re loved? And

appreciated for how unique you are?

On cue, Pat tosses him a bottle of Itchapuss.

In one smooth motion, Phill catches it and looks at camera.

PHILL

That’s what makes Itchapuss so

great. No matter who you are, or

how chaotic your life is, it’s

always right there. Supporting you.

He walks over and puts an arm around Jennifer.

PHILL

Like a best friend should.

They walk off set. And everyone remains silent.

11.

PAT LYONS THE DIRECTOR

You magnificent bastard. CUT!

SEYMOURE VOICE

Itchapuss. Always there when you

need a helping hand.

INT. SANTIAGO’S - DAY

Phill is surrounded by Tony and Joey, and they’re watching

the end of the Itchapuss ad on a laptop.

PHILL

So embarrassing.

JOEY

What?! You killed it!

PHILL

When I was wearing that ridiculous

dress and looking at the camera, I

realized. I don’t just wanna act, I

wanna reach people. Make em think.

TONY

I’ve been meaning to tell ya -

there’s this reality show...

PHILL

Reality show? No. I wanna do things

I’m proud of.

TONY

What if I just submit...?

PHILL

No. Never.

Tony looks at his giant phone and a smile begins to form.

A RANDOM GIRL walks over.

PHILL

Turns out some people related.

Phill takes her hand and leaves. Joey and Tony share a look.

QUICK CUT TO BLACK

ANNOUNCER

Next time on the art of acting out.

INT. PUBLIC ACCESS SET - DAY

12.

JOAN LADEN

Today, we’re gonna learn how to

give an ass beating!

Just as she swings at Phill’s face we CUT TO BLACK.