Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

Looking for some status update inspiration? I won't bore

you with stories about where these came from; I'll just

give you a list of funny and sarcastic Facebook status

Updates. I have tried to include the authors for the lines I

did not develop on my own. And hey, if you know the

source of an unattributed quote, feel free to leave that

info as a comment at the bottom

Facebook status Updates

1. Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

2. Sarcasm helps keep people from understanding you're saying what you really think of them.

3. I once prayed to God for a bike, but quickly found out He didn't work that way—so I stole a bike and prayed for His forgiveness.

4. A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

5. You can't be late until you show up. 6. War doesn't determine who's right—it determines

who's left.

7. If you think things can't get worse, it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

8. Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

9. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

10. Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay. So if you keep reading, you'll go broke.

Facebook status Updates

11. You can go anywhere you want if you look

serious and carry a clipboard.

12. It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm

actively waiting for my problems to go away.

13. Every rule has an exception, especially this one.

14. History teaches us that men and nations behave

wisely once they have exhausted all other

alternatives. ~ Abba Eban

15. The United States is a nation of laws: badly

written and randomly enforced. ~ Frank Zappa

16. Don't let your mind wander—it's too little to be

let out alone.

17. Life's a bitch; if it were easy it'd be a slut.

18. I'd call you a tool, but even they serve a

purpose.

19. Death is life's way of telling you that you've

been fired. Suicide is your way to tell life, "You can't

fire me, I quit!"

20. Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to

their level, then beat you with experience.

Facebook status Updates

22. I wouldn't say you're stupid. You are, but I wouldn't say it.

23. If at first you don't succeed, destroy any evidence that you ever tried.

24. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

25. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

26. Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?

27. I have a busy day ahead: I have trouble to start, rumors to spread, and people to argue with.

28. I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.

29. I once stood in the back and said, "Everyone attack!" but it didn't turn into a Ballroom Blitz.

30. Learn from Pandora's mistake—think outside the box.

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