EVALUATION OF SCRIPT – DRAFT 2

How have you paid respect to

screenwriting conventions?

The "fade in" convention has been appropriately used at the start of

the script. The scene headings have been written in capital letters,

there are indications of interior and exterior scenes by using the

capitalized abbreviations "INT." and "EXT.", the location of the

scene and its time of day.

The scene action is double-spaced under the heading and only

deals with what is happening on the screen.

Character cues have been capitalized and indented to nearer the

middle of the page, but not centred. The role of each character has

been designated as their script name and this designated name is

seen consistent throughout. Character dialogue appears directly

under the character name in normal upper and lower case text.

Similarly, it is not centred.

How does the script adhere to the

guiding principles of the TEN POINT

PLAN? 1. Title - "What's Mine is Mine" - not a permanent title, ideas are still being formed

2. Genre/Tone - Social realism drama

3. Setting (Time & Place) - Day time in a middle class home

4. Main character - The young girl

5. Want/Need/Obligation - She wants to do good and create harmony in her world. The young girl

has found something to take care of, something that needs her rather than wants her. She needs to

become an individual and develop the abilities that would allow her to stand up for herself and do acts

of good and kindness. On the other hand, she has a self-obligation towards obeying the woman on

the sofa, keeping her happy and content, despite how she treats her.

6. Opposition - The woman and young man who does not care for the girls need to do good

7. Catalyst for change - This is very unclear. The girl has journeyed from A to B, realising that she

can stand up for herself and does this by not retaliating to the young man and just watches him be

angry at her, not entertaining his unnecessary fury. What has happened that makes her take this

journey or what the journey is itself is not displayed.

8. Climax - The climax appears to be the arrival of the male figure and his conflict between the two

females.

9. Resolution - No resolution is displayed other than the girl is unemotionally effected by the young

man’s murder of the bird and destruction of her hard work.

10. The audience feels (Theme) - It could be interpreted that the young girl she is showing how

resilient the youth can be despite all odds against

Does every scene reveal something

new?

Break down the scenes using the STEP OUTLINE to demonstrate how each is a consequence of the previous scene and in addition brings a new and significant development.

One sentence that summarises what happens

What is revealed that is significant to the plot?

What is revealed that is significant to the audience's understanding of the characters?

Is there an indication of significant theme(s)?

One sentence that summarises what

happens

1. A girl is playing with a toy but is found irritating and is sent outside.

2. She explores the garden, finding locked, mysterious sheds and an uncared for trampoline, eventually discovering an injured bird.

3. She goes inside to get a shoebox which contains suspicious items.

4. She returns to the outside and begins to care for the bird by using her surroundings until told to make the woman a drink.

5. The girl goes back inside and pours the drink, also picking up a hip flask, giving both to the unresponsive woman.

6. The girl continues to care for the bird outside but is disrupted by a male character climbing down the scaffolding who eventually entering the house.

7. He begins to scream and shout at the woman and soon turns his anger towards the girl and her actions, resulting in killing the bird.

What is revealed that is significant to

the plot?

1. There exist not only a young girl but a woman, possibly her carer, who has

a short temper with the child.

2. The household also has a back garden full of nature, where the young girl

discovers the injured bird. The house is also having construction work,

involving the use of scaffolding, whereby the young male climbs down

from.

3. The wardrobe is a hiding place and the shoe box is full of suspicious items

which the girl isn't intrigued by and does not care for.

4. The girl begins to care for the girl but also immediately does what she is

told.

5. The young girl, clearly under-age, handles alcohol and does what ever she

is told.

6. The introduction of the male character and the continuation of the girl

caring for the bird.

7. The significance of the shoebox/items and the inevitable death of the bird.

(how it died may not have been predicted before)

What is revealed that is significant to

the audience's understanding of the

characters?1. The young girl innocently wants to enjoy herself, contrasting with the vicious, short-tempered women

who seems to be her carer.

2. The girl has an instinctive to care for those in need. Also, she respects the people she lives with

enough to stay away from the strange, obviously forbidden sheds. The unfinished construction work

means the characters living there has the resources to fix/expand the house.

3. The girl's innocence makes her oblivious to the materialistic objects that usually define and control

peoples lives. She is only interested in the shoe box that can help her care for the bird.

4. The woman has needs and uses others to do what she wants, taking advantage of the young girls

good nature. The girl blindly does what she is told.

5. The woman wants control over those around her, potentially because she lacks self-control

(alcoholism). Again, the girls innocence makes her oblivious or she knows what she is doing because

she knows what would happen if she doesn't do it.

6. The girl genuinely cares for the bird and is determined to help it. The male character is suspicious as

he uses the scaffolding and the backdoor to enter the house. The girl is not alarmed by this, implying

that it is a usual occurrence. Also, the girl knows what she has done is "wrong" since she moves

away from the man with the box as he passes in a fashion to prevent him from seeing. The young girl

has a denser understanding of the situation than first noted.

7. The woman is defenceless or she doesn't care about the girl. The male character has a very short

temper and is extremely protective over his possessions, either to protect and teach the girl or to use

them as a tool to bully her. The young girl is indifferent in this confrontation, suggesting things like

this happen regularly so has become resilient to the treatment she endures.

Is there an indication of significant

theme(s)?

1. The camera focuses on the young girl and the narrative reveals how she is treated, suggesting

that the theme is connected to the youth.

2. The mysterious sheds are locked and out of bounds, meaning whatever is in there needs to be

protected or hidden. It is likely to be related to criminal activity. (potentially later revealed when

the items fall from the box and the method the male character uses to enter the house)

3. Suspicious items fall from the subtly "hidden" shoe box indicating that they may be illegal

substances. The girl does not care what fell out and innocently places them back into the

wardrobe, suggesting a theme of innocence of the youth.

4. The theme of caring for the less fortunate runs through this scene as the girl is determined to

look after the injured bird, despite interruptions.

5. There is the obvious hint of the theme of alcoholism as the girl is innocently shown to obey the

woman's order to make her a drink using the "special medicine". Whether the girl knows what is

in the hip flask or not signifies respect for her elder but also innocence.

6. The theme of illegality is highlighted in this scene as the male character uses an alternative

entrance to the house and implies that people are looking for him. The girl understands that she

has done wrong to him by taking the shoe box yet still continues to care for the bird, indicating

that she is determined.

7. Overall, this scene shows the resilience of the young girl (youth).

Does the narrative progress

cinematically and with minimal

dialogue? Explain how it progresses cinematically rather than with dialogue. How

do visuals drive the narrative forward at points? The dialogue was made minimal by the very small amount of human-to-human contact in the narrative. With there

being very little dialogue the narrative progresses through the cinematics revealed on screen.

Firstly, the girl is abruptly sent outside – although through the use of brief dialogue but ultimately the action of the

woman slapping the toy away. Outside she discovers information vital for the narrative to progress; rusty

trampoline, locked sheds, scaffolding and the injured bird. Here she decides upon herself to collect the shoe box

by conversing with herself. The dialogue here is extremely minimal and is mainly used to express the girls inner

thoughts rather than aid in narrative progression.

Next, she starts to collect other items for the bird until dialogue from the woman urges the narrative forward,

resulting in the young girl revealing other narrative aspects (the drink and hip flask suggests the woman is an

alcoholic and the girl may or may not know what she’s doing).

Subsequently, this is followed by the girl continuing to care for the bird and the male characters introduction. The

final scene is driven by dialogue where the male character interacts with the woman on the sofa. Their dialogue

reveals aspects about their characters (alcoholism and the male is wanted) but also their home situation and how

this may affect the young girl.

The confrontation between the male and the young girl guides the narrative by giving reason to the characters

actions (i.e. destroying the box and killing the bird because it was his belongings and he wanted to punish the girl).

How does sound drive the narrative

forward at points?

The entire narrative relies on the introduction of the bird and the girl

discovering it. To do so, a reasonably loud tap on the window will

occur to get the girls attention. She will follow the sound and

investigate, stumbling upon the injured bird, where the narrative is

immediately driven forwards.

The clanging of the scaffolding ensures that the focus of the young

girl (therefore narrative) is re-directed to introducing the male

character.

How are visual elements (e.g. aspects

of mise-en-scène) used symbolically? The toy is used to symbolise her age and innocence. She’s playing, making imitation noises,

pretending to be the car, using her imagination – she’s in her own world until it is abruptly snatched

away by the woman who may or may not be her parent.

The lock on the shed and the notion that the girl doesn’t dare go near the other shed hints at there

potentially being illegal substances inside that not only the items in the shoe box confirm, but also the

style in which the male enters the house and his dialogue with the female, “Right, so they can know

where I live?”. The mise-en-scène combined connotes the male character is a criminal of sorts and he

uses the back entrance because he is wanted.

The young girl is told to make the woman a drink with “special medicine”, soon revealed to be a hip

flask, which typically contains alcohol, implies the woman suffers from alcoholism. The girl willingly

delivers the hip flask which could symbolise her innocence because she doesn’t know what it contains

or she does know but is experienced enough to know the consequences of not delivering it.

The situation of the bird being injured is a familiar one for most people so they can relate to the panic,

fear and sudden responsibility the girl is feeling. Her determination to heal and care for the bird,

knowing she may get in trouble for how she does so, symbolises her need for fix things that are broken

(could be reflecting the woman).

The birds symbolism can be interpreted differently to each audience. Although, the bird for me is a

reflection of the girl herself. The bird is injured and needs to be nursed back to health but is ultimately

stamped to death. The girl is treated badly and needs comfort so the bird is introduced. She and the

bird begin to heal each other (physically/emotionally) but despite her efforts, external factors end this

healing process. The girl has learnt to become resilient at such a young age since she is able to deal

with the male so calmly, like it is a usual event, but also wasn’t too distraught when her hard work was

unnecessarily destroyed.

Is there a clear tone? Describe the

tone. Is it consistent throughout?

Being that the short film is a social realism hybrid, the tone verges

more towards a dramatic and dark premise.

It starts of as melancholy from the way the girl is treatment but her

determination to care for the bird emits a hopeful tone that the

bird may live and her hard work will pay off.

She keeps this positive tone consistent with her efforts, despite

interruptions from the woman who carries a much darker nature.

The consistent hopeful tone eventually dies alongside the bird.