7/26/2019 Pentagon Plumbing Newsletter- June 2016.pdf
1/4
INSIDE
THISISSUE
RUSSIANSPORTSCARSEVEVERYTHINGYOUTHOUGHTTHEYDBE
ANDLESS!
CAMPINGONTHELASVEGASSTRIPHOW
TOFINDTHEVERYBESTPLACES!
DOESTHETSAREALLYCAREHOWLONGYOUHAVETOWAITINLINEATTHE
AIRPORT? THEANSWERWILLSHOCK
YOU!
PLUS
DAGMARANDHER
AMAZINGDOG
ROBOT!
THEGOLDFISHWHO
SAWTOOMUCH!
THESECRETOFTHE
PARROTSSILENCE!
ALLTHISANDMORE!
RIGHTHERE! RIGHT
NOW! INTHIS
MONTHSEDITIONOF
DOWNTHEDRAIN!
Down the Drain
But seriously, folks,
If youre looking for
fast, professional,
courteous service for
your plumbing needs
please give us a call.
Pentagon Plumbings
service technicians
are available 24
hours a day, seven
days a week, and
unlike some other
companies, theres no
extra charge for
those after hours and
weekend calls!
We do:
Repair &
ReplacementsWater Jetting
Insurance Work
Remodels
Electronic Leak
Detection
Sewer & Drain
Cleaning
Water Heaters
Repiping
And so much
more!
Call us today!
876-5969
Pentagon Plumbing, Inc. 5125 W. Oquendo Rd., Suite #5, Las Vegas, NV 89118Tel: (702) 876-5969 Fax: (702) 876-0937email: [email protected]
NV License #58722
Justin Bieber, call home. Your underwear is showing. Again.
King Omar issues
new proclamation
O O R A H O M A R ,
AFRICA A year afterK i n g O m a r t h eMagnificent and his RoyalAdvisory Council issued aproclamation outliningpunishment for those whofailed to flush a publictoilet and who failed toleave themselves and thefacility they used in a lessthan pristine and sanitary
condition, a top secret
report written by theKings Royal Information
Service has been leaked tothe press.
The terms of the originalproclamation required thata first offense would earnthe miscreant a publicthrashing in the palacesquare with a toilet brush,while a second offensewould earn an additionalthrashing and a fine. A
Like us! Twitter us! Email us! Pin us!
Click on ourlogo to go toour website.
You know youwant to!
Yelp us!
Authorities
deeply
concerned!
Experts
consulted!
What can be done?
By Washoe Evergreen
Ace Environmental
Correspondent
The recent discovery of
another leak in Lake Meadhas authorities deeplyconcerned.
This leak is the latest in aseries of leaks plaguingthe lake in recent years.
A spokesperson for theLake Mead RecreationalArea toldDown the Drain,Lake Mead is just getting
old, and its to be
expected that l ikeanything that gets old,problems are going to
arise.This most recent leak
was discovered whenh y d r o l o g i s t s w e r emeasuring the level of the
third offense would findthe offender assigned topermanent latrine duty tobe served at the kings
pleasure.The top secret reportclaims, however, that c e r t a i n a n t - soc ia lindividuals refuse to
abide by the rules and thateven permanent latrineduty has failed to correcttheir behavior.
It is to be noted, the
report says, that the
number of individualswho continue to avoidtheir obligations under theproclamation are few.
After receiving thereport, King Omar issueda new proclamation.
Immediately thereafterthe Kings Chief of Staff
and Honorable Knight ofthe Kings Body held a
press conference, duringwhich he announced that
those who continue to
violate the law after thethird offense will be senthome to their mothers torelearn their manners and
social obligations, and thatfailing the success ofretraining, even moredraconian measures wouldbe taken.
The Kingdom of Oorah
Omar will not continue tobe embarrassed by theseill-mannered oafs, theChief of Staff andHonorable Knight of theKings Body said. Now
go away.
Consumer Plumbing
Exposition a hit
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA The ConsumerPlumbing Exposition, heldin the restrooms of the LasVegas Convention Center,last month was hailed as ahuge success by itsorganizers.
A t t e n d a n c e w a sestimated at severalmillion, with many peoplebeing barred from
entrance to the exhibitionbecause of capaci tycrowds indoors.
Among the highlights ofthe exhibition were theAkron Casket andExcavation Co. with its
new line of color-codedpre-dug trenches and holesand Ossified PetroleumJelly, Inc., which offeredfree samples of itsproducts, including itsrecently introduced flavorpackets that can be addedto i t s t rad i t iona l
unflavored OPJ.Supermodel FiFi, who is
married to Italian superp l u m b e r F r a n c oBorgoglione, modeledKnuckles OTooles latest
offerings of shorts andhalter tops for the ladyplumber.
Lake Mead springs anotherleak!
lake during a routinemonitoring.
The drop in the level ofthe lake could not bea c c oun te d f o r by
evaporation, absorption bysandstone or the decline inthe snowpack of theRocky Mountains, theLMRA spokesperson toldDown the Drain.
Clearly, something else
must be going on, the
spokesperson added.Experts from the BLM,
FEMA, NOAA, NASA,the Army Corps ofEngineers, the National
Geographic Society, theW o r l d s G r e a t e s tDetective Club andseveral others wereconsulted, but none ofthem could pinpoint theexact problem, except tosay, Yep, its leaking.
Again.F i n a l l y , s o m e o n e
suggested calling aplumber, and a call wentout for master plumbersfrom around the world.
M a n y h u n d r e d sresponded to the call, butafter a meticulous vettingby Homeland Security, theBoulder City Plumbers
Union and a renownedprivate investigator fromOslo, Norway, it wasdetermined that almost allof the applicants were not,in fact, plumbers, butwere, rather, individualsseeking a visa so theycould visit Disneyland atthe expense of the UnitedStates government.
Three plumbers wereeventually cleared by the
authorities and allowed tovisit Lake Mead wherethey were allowed to viewall the data, includingN A S A u n d e r w a t e r
satellite images thatshowed leaks in multiplelocations on the bottom ofthe lake.
At a meeting late lastmonth of all thoseinvolved in investigatingthe dropping water levelof Lake Mead, it was localplumber, Gus Plumber to
the Stars Andler who
suggested that the entirebottom of Lake Mead be
coated with OssifiedPetroleum Jelly, theplumbers lege ndar y
fixative for all leaks under(Continued on page 3)
Plumbing news from around the world
The most famous newsletter in the world!
June 2016 Volume 4 Issue 5 Whole Number 41 5
Tourists stand on a portion of the exposed Lake Mead lakebed that used to be under several hundred feet of water.
http://www.yelp.com/http://pinterest.com/pentagonplbgnv/mailto:[email protected]://twitter.com/PentagonPlumbNVhttps://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Pentagon-Plumbing/111359998927756?fref=tshttp://www.pentagonplumbingnv.com/7/26/2019 Pentagon Plumbing Newsletter- June 2016.pdf
2/4
Down the Drain, June 2016 Page 2
Special Feature!
Call today toschedule an
appointment!
702-876-5969
Meet Pentagon Plumbings jetter package!
Hydraulic
hose reel.
Cool, huh?
Pentagon Plumbing van
to pull jetter to your job
site! A truly sweet ride!
300 gallon water
reservoir! More than
enough for most jobs!
Tree is not a part of
jetter package.
(Important to know.)
Our jetter package includes a van, a jetter (both shown below) and
a handsome, highly qualified plumber of our choosing (not shown), unless you have aspecial request, which we will do our best to honor.
Hardto
believe,we
know,but
thisjetteris
abeastthat
putsout
4000psi@
14GPM!If
thisdoesnt
clearyour
mainline
blockage,
yourpipes
probably
require
surgery!Round
tires for
smooth
travelling!
Traffic safety
cones so everyone
will know serious
work is
underway!
Folks, did you
know that manystrange and un-comfortable thingscould be lurking inyour main sewerline?
Its true! Grease,dirt, roots, rocks, ec-toplasm, unidentified
vegetable and mineralmatter and even 70s
disco music are all potentialsources of blockages, any one ofwhich couldmean BIG problemsfor you in the future.
Dont delay! Call us today for afree price quote to clear those
blockages. And be sure to ask us
how we can set you up on aregular maintenance schedule foryour home, business, underground
bunker or secret undisclosedfacility.
Limited time offer!
Use this coupon!
(702) 876-5969
$25 OFFHydro jetting!
The Fine Print (Our lawyers made us write this. Honest!) This coupon is valid onlyon future repairs and cannot be used on prior charges. This coupon cannot becombined with any other offers or discounts or promotions. This coupon is notvalid on calls for estimates or evaluations. This coupon has no cash value. Thiscoupon must be presented at time of service. And finally (whew) only onecoupon per customer, please. This coupon expires 6-30-2016. PentagonPlumbing NV License #58722.
7/26/2019 Pentagon Plumbing Newsletter- June 2016.pdf
3/4
A life in theday of a
plumberBy CHIP CARPENTER
Ace Master Plumber
Last Month: Pressured by
the State Department and
his boss, bribed with
chocolate donuts and
beguiled by the beautiful
sparkling eyes of the
Countess Lumarchesi,
Skip agrees to undertake a
super top secret mission
at the Embassy of the
Royal Kingdom of
Transylvania.
I sighed, ate my donut,drank my coffee and triedto understand what I hadjust gotten myself into. Ididnt know.Finished with my donut
and coffee I headeddownstairs. The StateDepartment guy and theCountess Lumarchesiwere talking with theboss, but as I passed them
the Countess turned,looked at me and gave methat enigmatic smile ofhers.
I went out the front ofthe office and pulled myvan around back to thewarehouse, where Iproceeded to do anexhaustive inventory ofmy van and to write up anorder for parts for Lori.You never know, I
thought to myself. I mightactually find a real leak atthe embassy and need tofix it.Finished with that, I
headed back into theoffice. The Countess, theState Department guy, themen in black suits and therest of the entourage weregone.Melanie and Lori and
Kimberly all grinned atme as I came in.What? I asked.Nothing, they all
replied.I gave Lori my parts
order and asked her howshe wanted to handle theinvoicing for this job.After all, no invoices, nopaycheck. She said shed
get with the boss and letme know.After that I headed
home, packed a bag with
t-shirts, underwear, socksand other stuff Id need
for my stay at theembassy. I took all myclean uniforms out of thecloset and put them in thevan along with the bag Ihad packed. I also grabbedmy laptop.What else? I realized it
didnt really matter since I
would have to come downoff the mountain anyway
to do laundry, check mymail and so on.Or maybe not. Maybe Id
get lucky and Id quickly
find the leak, and the
whole thing would beover in a day or two.Right.So I locked up the house,
got in my van and startedthe long drive up to thetop of Black Mountain.
To be continued...
Down the Drain ispleased to welcome to itsstaff April Mae Junebug,who will replace BellaDonna Lovelace as ourgossip columnist, orWoman About Town asApril Mae prefers to becalled while acting in hero f f i c ia l r e po r to r ia l
capacity.Born in Fly Holler,Tennessee, April Maestudied gossip andjournalism at the Middle
Tennessee School ofGossip and Journalism,where she also taught forseveral years whileworking on her advanceddegrees in the samesubjects.
After graduating with herMFA, April Mae venturedforth into the wide world
beyond middle Tennesseeand honed her reportingskills at the Wilson,Tennessee, Free Press,more popularly known as
Down the Drain, June 2016 Page 3
To the Editor:
After reading your articlein the May edition ofDown the Drain aboutfinding Shakespeares
skull, I feel compelled torespond.
As a native of Stratford-u p o n - A v o n w h o s eancestry here goes backwell beyond the time ofShakespeare himself, Imust tell you that thelocation of Shakespeares
skull, and the story behindit, has long been an opensecret here.
It undoubtedly sayssomething about thehistorians, archaeologistsand others who have cometo Stratford-upon-Avons e a r c h i n g f o rShakespeares skull that
none of them bothered togo into a pub, buy a roundfor the house and ask thelocals what they knew.
The investigative team ofDown the Drain is,t h e r e f o r e , t o b ecommended for being thefirst to treat the residentsof Stratford-upon-Avon asa valuable source ofknowledge in this matter.
W e a r e d e e p l yappreciative of that fact.
I would also like to notethat now that the location
of Shakespeares skull has
been made public, it hasbecome necessary forMalcom McThistle toremove the skull from itshiding place in his shedand store it in the mayors
office where it is beingkept under lock and key inthe bottom right handdrawer of the mayors
desk until such time as amore suitable place and amore prominent place can
be found for it.Dick Whittlebone,
Stratford-upon-Avon,
England
To the Editor:It is I, Skoof Whiffletree,
still being illegallydetained by the forces ofevil that pass as ourg o v e r n m e n t a l l a wenforcement agencies,wishing all my family,friends, followers and thestaff of Down the Drainthe best of the best andreminding everyone to besure to write my name inon the ballot to be thenominee for the soon to bevacant seat of SenatorWhats-his-name.
My very expensivelawyers assure me I willsoon be released from myconstitutionally illegalcaptivity and that I will be
able to personally greet
each and every on of youthe campaign trail.
In the meantime,contributions to the FreeS k o o f W h i f f l e t r e eDefense Fund will begreatly appreciated.
See you soon!Skoof Whiffletree,
Clark County Detention
Center,
Las Vegas
To the Editor:After reading the
Perfessors explanation of
the origin of thunder andlightning in last months
edition of Down theDrain,I feel compelled torespond.
The Perfessor, I think,needs to go back toschool.
Everybody knows thatthunder is caused by theangels bowling in heaven.This is an incontrovertiblefact proven by numerousstudies.
Lightning, of course, issimply a byproduct of thekinetic energy releasedwhen the bowling ballstrikes the pins.
If you dont believe, just
ask your mother.Camilla Moonbeam,
Henderson, Nevada
any and all conditions.OPJ is also known aroundthe world as a sandwichspread and is a favorite ofconsumers everywhere.
O b j e c t i o n s w e r eimmediately raised. Whowould pay for that muchOPJ? How would the OPJbe appl ied to thethousands of square milesof the lake bed? WouldEPA a pp r ova l be
required? What would the
fish in Lake Mead think?Would they even care?Wheres the pizza?
After several days ofdiscussion and manypizzas later, a Lake MeadeAction Advisory Boardwas created and taskedwith getting the answersto these and many otherquestions.
A separate advisorycommittee was also
created to determine if the
Lake Mead springs another leak(Continued from page 1)
Adventures, letters, advice and more!
The Birthday
Box
A special happy
birthday wishgoes out this
month from all
the crew at
Pentagon Plumbing
to
Pentagon
Plumbings
Supervisor ofNew Construction,
Mike Didion
Yaaaaaaay!
(Applause!)
Release the
balloons already!
Announcements
Because of the excessivegrumpiness of most of itsmembers, the Junemeeting of the GrumpyOld Mens Club has been
postponed until furthernotice.
T h e F r e e S k o o f
Whiffletree Defense Fundwill hold a $3.67 a platefund raiser at the BarNone Restaurant inBunkerville on the 4th ofJuly. Everyone iswelcome.
Applications are beingaccepted for a Yogi Berralook-alike contest to beheld on the 4th of July,possibly at Cashman
Fie ld , bu t ma ybesomeplace else.Applicants are asked to
send an 8 x 12 colorglossy and a brief resumeof their experience to
I Look Like Yogi BerraVera Wang Shoebox #8
This publication
Anyone wishing tobecome an inside sourceor confidential informantfor Down the Draingossip columnist AprilMae Junebug, please write
April Mae JunebugVera Wang Shoebox #9
This publication
Or email
No phone calls, please.
Your opinion counts!
Letters to the Editor
Down the Drain welcomes new gossip columnist
water leakage from LakeM e a d c o u l d b econtributing to the globalrise of sea levels, because,as it was pointed out, allthat water had to be goingsomewhere.
At publication timeDown the Drain wasa w a i t i n g f u r t h e rdevelopments. We willkeep our readers informedas more information
becomes available.
the WTF.It was at the WTF that
she earned the prestigiousPile of Dirt Award fromthe Gossip Writers ofAmerica for her thrice-weekly column If YouCant Say Something
Nice
April Mae is already
immersing herself in theculture and gossip of LasVegas, and her firstcolumn for Down theDrainwill appear soon.
Corrections
A quotation in lastmonths article on the
pyg my giraffes ofWashington, D.C. wasincorrectly attributed toWinston Churchill. Thequotation should havebeen attributed to OscarLevant.
We apologize for theconfusion.
Back by popular demand!
Ask Uncle Vlad!
Dear Uncle Vlad,How are the schools in
your country? We arethinking of moving so ourLittle Johnny can attend abetter school.
Twp Parents,
Henderson, Nevada
Dear Two Parents,
You Americans and yourde c a de n t c a p i t a l i s t
American educationsystem! Ha, ha, ha!
We have most excellentschools in MotherCountry. Best schools inthe world!
All students in MotherCountry must learn toread, write and mastermathematics. Studentsalso must learn everythingabout history and culture
of Mother Country andmust memorize official
biography of GloriousLeader of MotherCountry.Also, students who fail to
learn as required are sentto a very cold place to digholes in frozen grounduntil they understandimportance of theireducation.
7/26/2019 Pentagon Plumbing Newsletter- June 2016.pdf
4/4
Down the Drain
is owned, operated, managed, imagined, inspired, created, written, produced, published and copyrighted 2016 by Pentagon Plumbing, Inc.
However, permission is granted by Pentagon Plumbing, Inc. to redistribute this newsletter at will with proper attribution.
For advertising rates, queries, submissions and, of course, service requests, call, write or email Pentagon Plumbing, Inc. using the contact
information below.
To unsubscribe to this newsletter, please send an email to: [email protected] with the word unsubscribe in the subject line. Well
cry when we do it, but we promise well take you off our subscription list. No knock-knock jokes, please.
5125 W. Oquendo Rd., Suite #5, Las Vegas, NV 89118
Tel: (702) 876-5969
Fax: (702) 876-0937
email: [email protected]
My
My God, its full of pink!
Down the Drain, June 2016 Page 4
The Really Important Stuff!
Down the DrainIs published by Pentagon Plumbing, Inc.
Editor-in-chief Applications being accepted
Deputy Editor-in-chief Reginald Phipps mumCopy Editor Carmel Comma Sutra
Assignment Editor Gowanna GetouttahereSociety Page Editor Alice Hashtag
Travel and Leisure Editor Reginald Phipps
Fact Checker Al GoreAssistant Fact Checker Brian Williams
Additional Fact Fabrication and Verification by The Group for the Advanced Study of Statistical Oddities, Irregularities, Anomalies and Impossibilities
Business Reporter Yale PrincetonConstruction and Building Correspondent Roger Red Tag
Crime Beat Reporter Marlow ArcherEnvironmental Correspondent Washoe Evergreen
Fine Arts Correspondent Venetia ImpastoFood Critic Candy Pye
Gossip Columnist April Mae JunebugHistory Correspondent Marcus Aurelius Tacitus
International Affairs Correspondent Mac The Knife MachiavelliInvestigative Reporter Doug Deeply
Assistant Investigative Reporter Doug Deeply, Jr.Legal Correspondent Blackwell CokeMedia Correspondent Tweety ByrdMedical Correspondent Sue Tchurme
National Affairs Correspondent Brinkley HuntlyNational Affairs Reporter Homer Bogart
Resident Conspiracy Theorist de Grasse NoelScience Correspondent Abigail Sciuto, Jr.
Sports Reporter Big Bob Kahuna
Demolitions Consultant Candy PyeDog Whisperer Toto Baskerville
Office Manager Loosey ArnezReceptionistTiffany Whatevs
Complaint Department Wendy WhinerPrinters Devil Will Do
Fashion Advisor The GagaRelationship Advisor Taylor Swift
Spiritual Advisor The Ghost of Groucho MarxIn-House Therapist Lady Heather
Psychic Consultant Madam Blovotsky
Computer Services and Expertise by provided by The Gigglebits Computer GalsPhoto Editing provided by The Cutting Edge Scissors Company and Elwoods All-Purpose Glue
Rehabilitation Services provided by The Rehab, Relapse and Rehab Group of Wickenburg, ArizonaLeftovers, munchies and midnight snacks provided by Moms 24 Hour Diner and Ping Pong Emporium
Jewelry by JodieMakeup by Gor-DonHair by Mr. Clean
Mani-pedis by The Cats Meow Veterinary ClinicBunny Slippers provided by Bunny Slippers for All (At Fashionable Malls Everywhere!)
Artwork provided by My Sisters Refrigerator: A Unique Boutique for the Elite
Musical Soundtrack byCyndi Lauper
Emilie Autumn
The Pretty Reckless
Hole
Strawberry Switchblade
Alison Sudol
and
Olivia dAbo
This space deliberately left blank for future use
and for children to color on