Interface: Considerations of Difference

74 PSYCHOTHERAPY IN AUSTRALIA • VOL 13 NO 3 • MAY 2007

When a loved one is deadM ost people would agree that nothing is more painful than

the loss of a loved one. Shock, disbelief, denial, anger, guilt, bargaining, depression and acceptance are all common grief reactions. However, our reaction to loss depends on our beliefs about death, gender, culture, religion, social class, the nature of the death, type of loss, age, and our relation to the person we have lost.

Mourning varies significantly from culture to culture. Each culture and its subcultures have many traditional and ritual ways that help them through the mourning process. Some of these traditions are derived from religion, while others are rooted in culture.

In Judaism life is valued above all other things. Death is considered natural and a part of God’s plan for human beings. This includes life after death and the Day of Judgment.

Customs surrounding death are extensive in Jewish culture, which honours the deceased and supports the mourners. Immediately after death the body is laid on the floor and a candle is lit in the house of the mourners to facilitate the ascent of the soul of the deceased. Jews never leave a body alone, as it is a sign of disrespect. Prior to the burial, the body is thoroughly cleaned and simply dressed. Coffins are also simple. Jews bury the body, as cremation is not generally approved. Open caskets and viewing the body is also considered disrespectful and it is recommended to bury the body as soon as possible. Traditionally, mourners make a tear in an outer garment or pin a small black ribbon on their clothing. From the time of death until burial, mourners are exempted from prayers and all positive commandments to give them time to honour the deceased and prepare the funeral. This period is called aninut and is one to two days during which no visitors or condolence calls are allowed. After the burial, family and friends cook the first meal for the mourners (meal of condolences), traditionally consisting of egg (a symbol of life) and bread.

The next period of mourning, called Shiva (seven), begins on the day of burial and ends on the morning of the seventh day. Traditionally, mourners sit on the floor or low stool (brought low by the grief). In this period, people can visit the mourners, but no greeting is exchanged and they wait for conversation to be initiated by the mourners.

During this time mourners keep personal care (e.g., cutting hair or nails) to a minimum, and they do not wear leather shoes, cosmetics, jewellery or new clothes. All mirrors in the mourner’s house are covered so mourners are discharged from attending to their appearance. They do not work and should not engage in pleasure such as sex. After Shiva the mourners return gradually to normal activities.

The next period is called shloshim (thirty) as it is the 30th

day after burial. Through this period mourners do not attend celebrations and do not listen to music.

The final period of mourning, avelt (the twelveth), is the completion of the formal mourning and is only observed for parents. After twelve months mourners are not allowed to continue formal mourning.

The fundamental belief of biblical Christianity is that death came to be part of normal human existence due to sin. All of mankind since Adam and Eve have sinned and God decreed that the ‘wages of sin are death’, so all human beings will face death. Christians believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross to suffer in their place. Through faith in Him, and becoming His disciple their sins have been forgiven. Death although inevitable has ‘lost its sting’. A true Christian is assured of forgiveness and eternal life after death. He or she has been pardoned and has a ‘blessed hope’. In this situation, the funeral of one known to love and serve God is a time of both

sadness at the loss of a loved one, but also joy in knowing that he or she has gone to be with God forever.

Every denomination has a different style of funeral service, but in each this message of victory over death is given in prayers, Bible readings and even in singing. The body is dressed in clothes and may be buried or cremated because Christians believe that the spirit is

eternal and is not destroyed with the body. It is less common now to dress in black. After the funeral the friends and relatives come together for tea and a light meal. There is no uniform tradition in Christianity for the period of mourning. Those who are mourning will seek God’s comfort and will support one another through the time of adjustment to the loss.

Although there are variations amongst different denominations of Islam and Islamic countries, Muslims believe that death is inevitable and God appoints a time for each person to pass from this existence into the next. They also believe there is life after death. Death is always announced by the reminder of God’s will in saying ‘To Allah we belong, and to Him is our return’ (Qur’an 2:15). Hence, to the majority of Muslims, to grieve the loss of someone who has left this world and gone to another life is to express dissatisfaction with God’s will. Of course, like everyone, Muslims naturally feel and respond to grief.

Generally, upon a Muslim’s death, they are buried. This represents the human being’s return to the most elemental state. Therefore cremation, preservation and other methods are not permitted. As with Judaism, it is advisable to bury the body as soon as possible because this eases the mourning. The body of the deceased person is washed ritually and wrapped in plain white linen and placed in a simple wooden coffin (if one is necessary), which faces Mecca. This practice

Each culture and its subcultures have many

traditional and ritual ways that help them through the mourning process.

Interface: Considerations of Difference

PSYCHOTHERAPY IN AUSTRALIA • VOL 13 NO 3 • MAY 2007 75

is the same for poor and rich, reflecting fairness and equity. Prior to the burial a male-only special congregational worship service (Jenaza) is performed and prayers are made for God’s mercy for the dead person.

Funerals are very important. They are an opportunity to grieve, pay respect to the deceased and express faith in God. However, the practices of expensive funerals are disapproved of in Islam. Although funerals are not festivities, some Muslims such as Afghans have commemorative meals along with the reciting of the 114 chapters of the Qur’an’ ‘Khatem.’ This usually takes place each Friday night until the fortieth day, on the fortieth day and on the anniversary of the death.

In Islamic culture there is a collective grief system where the bereaved family is supported by frequent visits, offerings of food, congregational prayer, reciting the Qur’an and strengthening their faith by returning them to God. The memorial ceremony (Fateha) is usually held in the Mosque or in the house of the bereaved. Although grieving may never fully end, the period of outward mourning lasts no more than three days (except for a widow). It is permissible to cry and express grief over the death of a loved one; however, extreme lamentation is discouraged. Although wailing, eulogizing and tearing one’s clothes are still common among some Muslims, such conduct is discouraged in Islam.

In contrast to the Abrahamic faiths, Hindus and Buddhists believe in rebirth and reincarnation of the soul. In both religions death is not an end, but a temporary cessation of physical activity. When a person dies his or her soul will go to another world and after some time, return again. A person will die and be reborn several times until he/she achieves Mosksha (the end of the rebirth cycle). They do not believe in the existence of one hell, but believe in many sun-filled worlds as well as many dark worlds. The purpose of these worlds is not to punish or reward, but to remind them of their existence.

Hindus and Buddhists are always cremated, believing that fire helps to free the soul and allow the body to be reincarnated in various forms. It is also a ritual to help mourners detach from their loved one. After a person dies the body is washed, dressed in new clothes and surrounded with flowers. In India, cremation is carried out in a funeral prye beside a river. This allows the ashes to be placed into the river. The oldest son lights the funeral pyre. Hindus prefer to place the ashes into the Ganges River, believing their soul might avoid reincarnation and achieve Moksha immediately. Therefore many Hindus living abroad will take the ashes of their loved ones to India so they can be placed in Ganges River. There are rituals on the 7th, 49th, and 100th day as well as on the anniversary of death.

It should be noted that atheists, who do not practice a religion, need to mourn their loss in a ritual way that is meaningful for them.

There are wide variations across cultures in how people response to a loss and in how they are expected to behave after a loss. For example, while black is the colour of mourning

in most cultures the period of time that people wear black is different. Most Afghans and Iranians wear black for forty days, but some people choose to wear it for a year, or a widow might remain in black for life. They don’t wear make up or jewellery. Afghan and Bosnian women also wear a scarf during mourning time. By contrast in China, Vietnam, India, Somalia and Korea white (purity) is the colour of mourning. Pakistanis, Afghans from rural areas and former Yugoslavian Muslims do not have a specific colour code for mourning, while black is colour of mourning amongst Christian Yugoslavians. In recent years, mourning attire in the West is less customary and is not bound by colours. It is common to celebrate the life of the deceased instead of grieving her or his loss. In most cultures men are expected to be strong, participate in funeral arrangements, help with costs, carry the coffin and bury the body. By contrast, in Chinese culture daughters bear the cost of the funeral. Also, the mourning colours apply only to women in many cultures. The official mourning period with most Muslims should not exceed more than three days. By contrast, in China mourning lasts 100 days. In some Australian aboriginal cultures the mourners cut their own bodies across the arm or the chest to express the depth of their pain.

In some cultures people do not listen to music, dance or participate in parties for a certain period of time. They include Afghans, Iranians, Iraqis, Kurdish and Jewish. In other cultures, such as the Irish, mourning involves a lot of drinking and dancing.

People in high social classes often do not express grief publicly as it can be considered as a sign of weakness and against to their social status.

Bereavement is an upsetting and traumatic experience that requires culturally appropriate interventions. There is no right or wrong way to mourn. Rituals, customs and emotions that are appropriate in one culture might not be acceptable in another. The inner experience of grief varies and individuals need to mourn in ways that feel right for them. Understanding a client’s beliefs on the concept of death, as well as their traditional way of dealing with loss can facilitate the mourning process. While it might not be practical to know all these customs, clients themselves are rich sources of information on their own rituals. Exploring these traditional customs can help us to enter our clients’ world and respond to them in ways that are meaningful for them. A failure to do so might result in unresolved and complicated grief.

Nooria Mehraby is a Senior Clinician at STARTTS NSW and is Editor of Interfacenooriamehraby@yahoo.com.au