Trial by Judy The scene opens on a fairly bare television studio set. Set pieces include a judge’s bench (on wheels), benches or chairs for the public, tables for the plaintiff and defendant with their counsel. All pieces will be moved into position during the opening scene.

Other crew periodically appear to work on the set up while the conversation below unfolds. The band also arrives to complete their set up.

Begin with John sweeping the stage while Brad lounges and reads a script.

John: (somewhat frustrated with Brad’s inactivity) Are you serious? You can’t just sit around like that. We have to get the studio ready. (still no reaction from Brad) Come on!!

Brad: (finally noticing John) Huh?

John: What are you doing?

Brad: I’m reading a script.

John: What for?

Brad: For a taping later this week.

John: Yeah, but why are you reading it?

Brad: (finally cluing into why John is asking) Oh! Because I’m thinking of auditioning for the part of the plaintiff in this case (holds up script).

John: (totally getting it) Ohhhh. I tried out for something last week, but they went with that whiney bitch in wardrobe instead.

Brad: (takes a minute to think about it but then the light goes on) Oh yeah . . . her! What were they thinking. She was awful. All she did was stare into the camera looking pathetic the whole time.

John: I remember! Judy kept saying, “Don’t you have anything to say for yourself” or “I’m not your mother! I can’t help you here!”

Brad: (laughting) Yeah, she was brutal.

John: (sharing the laugh) Anyway, what’s on the “docket” (does air quotes and snickers) today.

Brad: I think it’s some breach of promise thing.

John: What’s that?

Brad: You know, when someone gets ditched at the altar?

John: You mean like at a wedding?

Brad: Yep.

John: (smiling broadly) Good one! The crowd is going to eat that up.

Brad: Oh, oh, here comes that cranky production manager. We better finish up and clear out.1

Brad: Hey are you joining the “public” (air quotes) today? Yeah, they’re short of extras for some reason and they put out a memo asking all the production crew to fill in. Didn’t you get it?

John: (frustrated) Why do I always get left off the distribution list?

Brad: Well just come back in with me. I caught a glimpse of the defendant in makeup, and, believe me, you do not want to miss this one. She’s a looker! You know what I mean?

John: Okay, great. I’ll meet you in wardrobe.

(John & Brad rush off as Production Manager bustles in with assistant. The production assistant gestures for lights to come on and the stage is flooded with light. The G&S

Studios logo is projected on the screen along with the show logo featuring a photo of Judge Judy.)

No. 1. “Hurry now, we can’t be late” – Ensemble & Production Manager

Chorus. Hurry now we can’t be late, the taping must begin on time;This should be a great showI can hardly wait -- For today in this arena,Summoned by a stern subpœna,Susan, sued by Fabiano,Shortly will appear.For today in this arena,Summoned by a stern subpœna,Susan, sued by Fabiano,Shortly will appear.Susan, sued by Fabiano,Shortly will appear.

(During the playout, the crowd is bristling with excitement and chatter. The Production Manager (PM) must get them focused)

PM: Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Please take your seats quickly. Court will shortly be in session. (waits for them to settle down) Thank you. As you’ve already read in your info package, today’s case is a breach of promise. (refers to clipboard) The plaintiff is Fabiano (the female crowd swoons) and he is suing Susan, the defendant, for leaving him high and dry at the altar. (crowd gasps) That’s right folks, promised to marry him and then backed out at the last minute. Shameful.

(Crowd gets worked up and starts shouting “shame” repeatedly)

PM: That’s great folks. Let’s save that for the cameras. Love the energy. Let’s keep that up. Bailiff, any last words for the crowd before we meet the defendant?

(Bailiff is just getting a makeup touchup and steps up to address the “public”)2

Bailiff:Now, people of the audience -All kinds of vulgar prejudiceI hope you don’t hold back,I hope you don’t hold back,:You want to show which side you’re on,Your bias should be obvious,You’re here to give a show!

Bailiff. Chorus.Silence in Court! Our bias should be obvious,Silence in court! They want a vulgar show.Silence!

Bailiff.Oh, listen to the plaintiff's case:Observe the features of his face -The broken-hearted groom.Condole with his distress of mind:Your bias should be obvious,You’re here to give a show!

Bailiff. Chorus.Silence in Court! Our bias should be obvious,Silence in court! They want a vulgar show.

Bailiff.And when amid the plaintiff's sighs,The callous-hearted defendant speaks -Upon the other side;What she may say you needn't mind -Your bias should be obvious,You’re here to give a show!

Bailiff. Chorus.Silence in Court! Our bias should be obvious,Silence in court! They want a vulgar show.

(During the play out and intro to next number, Susan and her entourage appear and saunter into court. All the men in the public and all crew are very interested in her)

Susan: Is this the court of Judge Judy?

Crowd: It is!

Susan: Good.

Crowd: Who are you?

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Susan: (sung) I’m the defendant.

(PM checks her clipboard and flips forward in the script because the defendant has presumable skipped a part. She quickly cues the crowd for the next part. Meanwhile the cue card person is trying to find the right card to put up)

No. 1a. “Is this the Court of the Exchequer” – Defendant and Ensemble

Chorus. (shaking their fists)Monster dread her damages.She’s the jury,Fear Judge Judy! Defendant. (squinting at the cue card)Hear me, hear me, if you please, These are very strange proceedings -For, allow me to remarkOn the merits of my pleadings,You are totally in the dark.

(Defendant flirts with the crowd and all the men react positively - they leave their seats and gather round her as they sing. )

Chorus. That's a very true remark -On the merits of her pleadingsWe're entirely in the dark.Ha! ha! ho! ho! ha! ha! ho! ho!

(PM chases the crowd back to their seats and while she settles them down, Susan gets set to plead her case. Her posse of backup singers accompany her. Maybe she plays a prop guitar.)

Susan: So let me tell you how it all went down.

No. 2 – “When first my old, old love I met”

Defendant.When first my old, old love I met,My bosom welled with joy;His riches at my feet he threw -I was a love-sick toy!No gifts seemed too extravagantHe gave me all he had - I used to thrill, and sigh, and pant,

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Just like a love-sick toy!Tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank,

Chorus.Tink-a-tank, Defendant,Tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, Chorus.Tink-a-tank, Defendant. Chorus.I used to thrill, and sigh, and pant, Tink-a-tank, Tink-a-tank, Tink-a-tank, Just like a love-sick toy. Tink, tink, tink, tink-a-tank.

Defendant.But joy incessant dulls the sense,And love, unchanged, will cloy;And he became a bore intenseUnto his love-sick toy!He clung to me with desperate need,And I grew cold and coy,At last, one morning, I becameAnother's love-sick toy!Tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, Chorus.Tink-a-tank,

Defendant.Tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, Chorus.Tink-a-tank,

Defendant. Chorus.At last, one morning, I became Tink-a-tank, Tink-a-tank, Tink-a-tank, Another’s love-sick toy! Tink, tink, tink, tink-a-tank.

(The crowd applauds and appears to be thoroughly on Susan’s side. Bailiff must bring everyone to order)

Bailiff.Silence in Court!Silence in Court,Judge Judy now appears.

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Behold your Judge!Her judgement all should fear!

No. 3. “All hail, great Judge!” – Ensemble, Judge and Bailiff

Enter Judge on Bench.

Chorus.All hail great Judge!To your bright rays,We never grudgeEcstatic praise.All hail! all hail!All hail! all hail! all hail! Your daytime ratings never fail,For sixteen seasons you have ruled the daytime air.All hail! all hail!All hail! all hail! all hail!

Judge.For these kind words accept my thanks, I pray,A Breach of Promise we've to try today.But firstly, if the time you'll not begrudge,I'll tell you how I came to be a Judge.

(The crowd applauds and the PM calls CUT)

PM: And, CUT. Let’s go to commercial.

(Everyone relaxes as the makeup crew moves in for touchups as a commercial plays on the monitors. Everyone drops their act during this time. After the commercial finishes

the PM counts everyone back in.)

PM: Alright folks. We’re back in 5, 4, 3, (holds up 2 fingers, then 1 and then points to Judy)

Judge. Chorus.For now I’m a Judge!

And a good Judge, too!Yes, now I’m a Judge!

And a good Judge, too!Though all my law be fudge,Yet I’ll never, never budge,But I’ll live and die a Judge!

And a good Judge, too!I really love my job

And a good job too!I really love my job

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And a good job too!Of course I’m always rightI am always, always right I’m an awesome truth machineYou can suck on that!! Like a truth machine!

Applause for Judge Enter Counsel for the Plaintiff. He takes his place in the front row of Counsel's seats.

No. 6. “Where is the Plaintiff?” – Counsel, Bailiff, Bridesmaids, and Plaintiff

Counsel. (Recit.) Where is the plaintiff?Let him now be brought.

Bailiff.Oh, Fabiano!Enter into Court!Fabiano!

Defendant. (echo) Fabi-

Bailiff. -ano!

Enter the Groomsmen.

Groomsmen:Angel’s smile you gave himthat is what you sellPromised you heavenPut him through hell!Oh you’re a loaded gunThere’s nowhere to runNo one can save himNo the damage is done,Yeah, the damage is done!Shot through the heartand you’re to blame!You give love a bad, bad name.Oh, you’re a loaded gun, Yeah, there’s nowhere to runYou give love a bad name.You give love a bad name.You’re a loaded gunYeah, there’s no-where to run!

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The Judge, having taken a great fancy to First Groomsman, sends him a note by Bailiff, which he reads, kisses rapturously, and places it in his bosom.

Enter Plaintiff.

Plaintiff.Chains of love got a hold of me,passions a prison you can’t break free.Paint your smile,Blood-red nails the sameI play my part and you play your game,you play your game.Shot through the heartand you’re to blame.You give love--a bad, bad name.

The Judge, having by this time transferred his admiration to the Plaintiff, directs Bailiff to take the note from First Bridesmaid and hand it to Plaintiff, who reads it, kisses it rapturously, and places it in her bosom.

Plaintiff. Bridesmaids.

Shot through the heart—And you’re to blame!You give love a bad name,You give love a bad name.No one can save meThe damage is done

Shot through the heart—And you’re to blame!You give love a bad name,You give love a bad name.You’re a loaded gun, yeahThere’s nowhere to run!

No. 7. “Oh, never, never, never” – Judge, Foreman, Plaintiff, Bailiff, Jury, and Bridesmaids

Judge.Oh, never, never, never,Since I first came to the bench,Saw I so exquisitely fine a wretch.

Public. (shaking their forefingers at him)Ah, Judy! Ah! Judy!

Public. (to Jury)We certainly agree Your honour, he’s a hottie!

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Plaintiff.Your kindness, everyone, quite overpowers!

Female Public.With ev’ry breath you take,We’ll be watching you.

Groomsmen.(shaking their forefingers at ladies) Ah, ladies! Ah, ladies!

Public.We love you fondly, and would make you,Would make you ours!

(PM reacts by getting the Public back on track by waving the cue cards at them.)

Pubic. (coming to their senses and shaking their fists at the Defendant) Monster! Monster! dread her fury!She’s the Judge and she’s the Jury,Come, substantial damages!Substantial damages!Damages!Dam -

Bailiff.Silence in Court!

Judy: This in my courtroom. I can say what I want. When you become a judge, we’ll talk. I’m the boss applesauce. They don’t keep me up here because I look good. (aside to Bailiff) although I do. And you, miss (pointing to Susan) – you’re a moron. Beauty fades, dumb is forever. Ridiculous! Next!

No. 8. “May it please you” – Counsel, Plaintif, Bailiff, and Ensemble

Counsel.May it please you, your honour!Everyone in the gallery!

With a sense of deep emotion,I approach this painful case;For I never had a notionThat someone could be so base,Or deceive this man confiding,Vows etcetera, deriding

Plaintiff falls sobbing on Counsel's breast and remains there.

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Chorus.She deceived this one confiding,Vows, etcetera, deriding.

Counsel.See my interesting client,Victim of a heartless wile!See the traitor, all defiant,Wear a supercilious smile!Sweetly smiled my client on her,Coyly woo'd and gently won her.

Chorus.Sweetly smiled his client on her,Coyly woo'd and gently won her.

Plaintiff. Counsel. Bailiff. Jury.(to Plaintiff, who weeps)Cheer up, you hottie -Oh, cheer up!

Cheer up, cheer up,We love you!

Ah me! Cheer up, you hottie - Cheer up,This sucks! Oh, cheer up! Cheer up, cheer up.

Cheer up, cheer up,We love you!

Ah me! Cheer up! Cheer up! Cheer up, cheer up,We love you!

Ah me! Cheer up! Cheer up! Cheer up!

Judy: People do stupid things when they’re in love. That’s why I’ve been in this business for 16 years. I’m here to determine pain and suffering. I’m just not sure yet if it’s yours or mine.

Susan: Are you serious? Gag me with a spoon lady. You are too much!!

Judy: I am not talking to you right now.

Susan: But, but . . .

Judy: Talk to the hand!

Susan: Do I have stupid written across my forehead?

Crowd: Yes!

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No. 9. “That she is reeling is plain to me!” – Judge, Foreman, Plaintiff, Counsel, and Ensemble

Counsel prepares to address the court.

Plaintiff reels as if about to faint.

Judge.That he is suff’ring is plain to me!

CounselIf you feel sad,you can lean on me!

Plaintiff. (feebly) I will recoverjust let me be.

Chorus. (shaking their fists at Defendant) You scandal-monger,can’t you see!

Counsel. (kissing him) Just like a groupieI wish to be

Judge. (approaching him) Or, if you'd rather,come home with me!

He turns to his groomsmen and falls sobbing.

Groomsmen.Oh! fetch some water, he needs some air!

Chorus.You heartless moron, this isn’t fair.(shaking fists at Defendant)Monster, dread her fury,She's the Judge, and she’s the JuryMonster, monster, fear Judge Judy!

PM: Aaaaand . . . CUT!

(Insert commercial)

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(During the commercial the PM tries to get everyone back on track and reminds them that they have scripts and they should stop straying from it)

PM: And we’re back in 5 , 4, 3, (mimes 2 and 1)

Judy: Alright, young lady. What do you have to say for yourelf?

Susan: Well first of all, I just want to say . . . um . . . .

Judy: Um is not an answer. You mess around with me and I’ll wipe the floor with you. Do we follow each other.

Susan: But . . . but . . .

Judy: Do you wanna say something to me? Are you sure you wanna say something to me? No you don’t. Believe me, that is the last thing you want.

Susan: Uh . . . uh. . . how about if I sing it?

No. 10. “Oh, gentlemen, listen I pray” – Defendant and Bridesmaids

Defendant.Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me.I think they’re okay.If they don’t give me proper credit I just walk away.They can beg and they can plead,but they can’t see the light,that’s right!Cause the boys with the cold hard cash is always Mr. Right.Cause we’re living in in a material world!And I’m a material girl.Why can’t I love one todayAnd love another tomorrow!

Her posse. She lives in a material worldAnd she’s a material girlWhy can’t she love one todayAnd love another tomorrow!

Defendant.Some boys romance meSome boys hug meI think they’re okay.

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If they don’t raise my int’restThen I just let them be.Some boys try and some boys lieBut I don’t let them play,Only boys who save their penniesMake my rainy day.

Cause they’re living in a material worldAnd I’m a material girl!I’ll marry this fellow todayAnd marry the other tomorrow! Groomsmen and Posse. (rushing forward as before) She lives in a material worldAnd she’s a material girl!She’ll marry this fellow todayAnd she’ll marry the other tomorrow!

No. 11. “That seems a reasonable proposition” – Judge, Counsel, Jury, Bailiff, and Ensemble

Judge. That seems a reasonable proposition,To which, I think, your client may agree.

Counsel. (referring to law book) But, I remind your Honour, thatTo marry two at once - is Bigamy!

In this age of moral freedom, we can stretch the rules a little.But it’s still a serious crimeTo marry two men at a time.

(hands book up to Judge, who reads it)

Women. That’s such a shame!

Men. Then who’s to blame, ma’am?

No. 12. “A nice dilemma” – Full Ensemble

Judge.

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A nice dilemma we have here,That calls for all our wit, for all our wit:

Counsel.And at this stage, it don't appearThat we can settle it.

Defendant. (in Witness-box) If I don’t want to marry this guy,A breach of contract will be –

Plaintiff.And if she goes and marries both,It counts as Bigamy!

Plaintiff. Defendant. Counsel & Judge. Baliff.A nice dilemma A nice dilemma A nice dilemma A nice dilemma, a nice

dilemmaWe have here, We have here, We have here,A nice dilemma A nice dilemma A nice dilemma A nice dilemmaWe have here,

We have here, We have here, We have here,A nice dilemma we have

We have here,

We have here,

Plaintiff. Defendant.Counsel, Judge,Bailiff & Foreman Chorus.

A nice dilemma weIf I don’t want A nice di- A nice dilem-

A nice dilemma To marry this, lem- ma we have here, A

ma wehave

A nice dilemmawe have here,

nice dilemma here, That A nice dilemmawe have here, we have here, calls we have here ,That calls for That calls for for A nice dilemmaall all all, that

calls forwe have here, That calls for

our wit, our wit, all our wit, all our wit,for all our wit, for all our wit, for all our wit, for all our wit,That callsfor all,

That callsfor all,

That calls, that callsfor all,

That calls, that callsfor all,

for all our wit, That calls for That calls for That calls forThat calls for all our wit. all our wit. all our wit. all our wit.

A nice dilemma weIf I to wed A nice di- A nice dilem-

A nice dilemma the girl am loth, lem- ma we have here, A

ma wehave

A nice dilemmawe have here,

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nice dilemma here, That A nice dilemmawe have here, we have here, calls we have here ,That calls for That calls for for A nice dilemmaall all all, that

calls forwe have here, That calls for

our wit, our wit, all our wit, all our wit,for all our wit, for all our wit, for all our wit, for all our wit,That callsfor all,

That callsfor all,

That calls, that callsfor all,

That calls, that callsfor all,

for all our wit, That calls for That calls for That calls forThat calls for all our wit. all our wit. all our wit. all our wit.

That calls for all, That calls for all,for all our wit, for all our wit,

for all our wit, for all our wit,That calls for all That calls for all That calls for all That calls for allour wit. Silence in Court ! our wit. our wit.

Silence in Court!

No. 13. “I love her” – Duet, Chorus, and Solos

Plaintiff. (embracing her rapturously) I love her - I love her -I can’t live without her, I worship and madly adore;My blind adorationIs ever increasing,My loss I can’t handle no more.Oh, see what a blessing,What love and caressingI've lost, and remember today,When you I'm addressing,Are busy assessingThe damages Susan must pay,yes, she must pay!

Defendant. (repelling him furiously) I smoke like a furnace -I'm always in liquor,A cold-hearted snake I can be;I'm sure I would hurt him,and probably dump him,A witch with a B, that is me!I can’t handle my liquorAnd I’m a good kickerHe better stay clear of my boot,

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Recall my professing,When you are assessingThe damages in this suit!

Plaintiff.Yes, she must pay some loot.

She clings to him passionately; after a struggle, he throws her off into arms of Counsel.

Plaintiff. Defendant. Women. Men.I'm sure I wouldhurt him,

We would be fairly acting,

Perhaps I would dump him,

But this is most distracting!

I love her - He loves her - If, when in liquor,I love her - I smoke like a furnace, he loves her - She’d be a kicker,I can’t live without her I'm always in liquor, he madly That is an

, I love her - A cold-heated snake, adores, he loves her - abatement, If when

I worship and madly A cold-hearted snake he loves her and madly in liquor, she’d be

adore; I love her - I can be: A cold-hearted, cold-hearted adores! he loves him, A kicker, That is ,

I worship and madly adore! Snake I can be! he loves her, and

madly adores!that is anabatement.

Judge.The question, so it seems - is one of liquor:You ask for guidance - this is my reply:She says, when tipsy, she would surely kick him,Let's make her tipsy, and try!

Counsel.With all respect I do object!

Plaintiff.I do object!

Defendant.I don't object!

Counsel.With all respect I do object!

Plaintiff.I do object!

Defendant.I don't object!

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Defendant. Everyone else.With all respect,I don't object, I don't object!

With all respect,I do object, I do object!

Judge. (tossing his books and papers about) All the legal furies seize you!No proposal seems to please you,I can't sit up here all day,I must shortly get away.You are all a bunch of morons,I have had enough today-ayOh you simple-minded people,I am sick of your bologna;Put your briefs upon the shelf,I will marry him myself!

She comes down from the Bench to floor of Court. She embraces Fabiano.

No. 14. “Oh, joy unbounded” – full ensemble

All.Ah!

Plaintiff.Oh, joy unbounded,With wealth surrounded,My troubles to beGetting rather worse!

Counsel.With love devotedOn you she’s doated,Though you might presentlyBe averse.

Defendant.I wonder whetherThey'll live togetherIn marriage tetherIn manner true?

Bailiff.It seems to me, sir,Of such as he, sir,A judge is she, sir,And a good judge too!

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Plaintiff, Defendant, Counsel, Bailiff & Chorus. Oh, joy unbounded,With wealth surrounded,The lovefest soundedFor all to hear.

Defendant, Counsel, Bailiff & Chorus. It seems to me, sir,Of such as he, sir,A judge is she, sir,

Plaintiff, Defendant, Counsel, Bailiff & Chorus. And a good judge too!

Plaintiff, Defendant, Counsel, Bailiff & Chorus. Oh, joy unbounded,With wealth surrounded,The lovefest soundedFor all to hear.

Defendant, Counsel, Bailiff & Chorus. It seems to me, sir,Of such as he, sir,A judge is she, sir,

Plaintiff, Defendant, Counsel, Bailiff & Chorus. And a good judge too!

Judge. Others.Yes, I am a Judge.

And a good Judge too!Yes, I am a Judge.

And a good Judge too!Though homeward as you trudge,You declare my law is fudge,Yet of hotties I'm a judge.

And a good Judge too!

Judge. Defendant. Others.Tho’ Defendant is a snob,

No, no, no! And a great snob too!Tho’ Defendant is a snob

No, no, no! And a great snob too!Tho’ Defendant is a snob, Tho’ Defendant is a snob,And we’ve satisfied the mob, And we’ve satisfied the mob,So we've settled with the job, So we've settled with the job, So we've settled with the job,And a good job too! And a good job too! And a good job too!

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CURTAIN

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