THE HOUSE OF PLANK ….. FEBRUARY 2020 ISSUE

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery schoolteacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism."We live in a great country," she announced. "One of the things we should be happy about is, in this country we are all free." Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, "I'm not free. I'm four!"

A little boy thanked his grandfather for the set of drums he bought him for his birthday.“They’re the best present I’ve ever had,” he said. “They’ve already earned me £80.” “Wow!”’ said the grandfather. “You must have learned to play them really good!” “Not really,” said the boy. “But Mum gives me £5 not to play them during the day, and Dad gives me £5 not to play them in the evening.”

The patient goes to the dentist and says, "I have yellow teeth, what should I do?" The dentist replies, "Wear a brown tie."

In recognition of her unique contribution to British Politics, the Bank of England have also announced that Diane Abbott is to feature on their new £37.65 note.

Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages. Whenever he caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup When does a person decide to become an accountant? When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Putting sunscreen on a toddler. I know now how Steve Irwin felt when he was wrestling crocodiles and stingrays.

Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players? It saves time in the long run.

After years of research, Irish scientists have announced why the dinosaurs went extinct. It's because they all died.

I just saw a poster on a tree saying:  'This is a photograph of our dog which is missing. If found please call us' So I phoned them up and said, "I've just found the photograph of your dog."

RED LION @ LITTLE SUTTON ….. 4th Sunday of every Month (Mar 22nd) RAZOR HOLLER (Russ Williams band) playing Country/Early Rock Classics + a whole lot of fun. 6pm-8pm… Its FREE!!! …. GREAT PUB … a really good music venue. Come and watch some great Jiving/dancing etc … Terrific atmosphere ….. Ya’ll get down the RED LION!!

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line."We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

Met the girlfriends parents for the first time last week, they said "our home is your home. So I sold it ..

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" "Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."

A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear. He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?" The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly

One day in Pyongyang, Kim Jong-Un consulted a magic mirror in his office. "Magic mirror on the wall, who is the biggest bastard of them all?" The mirror replied, "You, Supreme Leader, are the biggest bastard of them all." Kim Jong-Un was so delighted, he had 1,000 prisoners put to death at short notice. Next day, he asked the same question; again, the mirror replied, "You, oh Great Leader, are still the biggest bastard of them all." Kim Jong-Un was again pleased, this time ordering a "warning" missile strike over Japan. Next day however, Kim Jong-Un was nowhere to be seen. His advisors searched all morning until they found him shaking and crying under his desk. "Dear Leader, what is wrong?" asked one of his advisors. Tearfully, Kim Jong-Un snivelled, "Who's Boris Johnson?"

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

Some boy scouts from the city were on a camping trip.

The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with torches.

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

The new church I've started is doing brilliantly, mainly because we welcome all denominations. Fives, tens, twenties, whatever they've got

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you." "Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once." "Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

As a BMW driver I can confirm that we do use our indicators. In fact we use all 4 of them at a same time whenever we are parked at a bus stop, disabled bay or double yellow lines. BMWs even have a special red triangle on the dashboard, which is called a ''park anywhere'' button. It does what it says on the tin. Park anywhere, press the red triangle and all 4 indicators come on at once. Guaranteed traffic warden proof.

A husband took the wife to the local dance club over the weekend.  There was a guy on the dance floor giving it his all, break dancing, moon walking, back flips..........the works.  The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy; 25 years ago he proposed to me, and I turned him down and married you instead.”  The husband said: "Looks like he's still celebrating.”

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no

Picking session at the Red Lion Dyserth, N.Wales .3rd Friday every month 8pm till late…. Ya’ll come now …Its Fun!!RED LION @ LITTLE SUTTON ….. 4th Sunday of every Month ….

March 22nd RAZOR HOLLER (Russ Williams band) playing Country/Early Rock Classics + a whole lot of fun. 6pm-8pm… Its FREE!!! …. GREAT PUB … a really good music venue. Come and watch some great Jiving/dancing etc … Terrific atmosphere ….. Ya’ll get down the RED LION!!

5 String Banjo tuition (3 finger Bluegrass & Frailing) /Guitar /Mandolin/Fiddle/Ukulele/Keyboard… Beginners welcome. First lesson is free !! . Contact Bryn Williams :- Bluegrass Seeds c/o Unit 5, Castle Park Arts Centre ,Frodsham WA6 6SE .. (free parking) .. Tel 01928-735817 . email :- info@bluegrassseeds.co.uk

avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

The Psychiatrist told me "You are emotionally retarded with a well below average IQ... ...so I'm prescribing Love Island".

I've always fancied having a go at Bell Ringing, so I became a Jehovah's Witness.

Sometimes something happens to alter your outlook on life for ever. Last night I auditioned two lead guitarists for my new band. The first guy came in, early 20's, designer clothes and trainers, £200 haircut, opened his hard flight case and pulled out a 1969 Les Paul. He plugged it in to his Fender Mustang, stood in thought for a minute, then played a 6-minute solo. It was the crappiest thing I have ever heard. Then the other guy came in, 58 years old, dirty raincoat, Asda shoes with holes in, almost bald, opened his 30-year-old soft case, pulled out a battered Ibanez, plugged it into his 10watt Japanese catalogue amp, and played a 6-minute solo. I was totally amazed. He was even worse. Anyone know a good lead guitarist?

Boris is at number 10. Hopefully he'll learn to count past that very soon.ROBINSONBALLS NUMBER 91 (AFTER THE WEAKEST LINK)Q. The marsh in Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s progress is called the ‘Slough of, what?’ A. Newcastle.Q. What is the female equivalent of a sultan and the name of a dried grape? A. Raisin.Q. In 2017, the world suffered a shortage of what gas, despite making up nearly a quarter of the mass of the universe? A. OxygenQ. The residents of which group of Scottish Islands are known as Orcadians? A. The HebridesQ. What word used to describe a horse of reddish-brown colour is also a type of window? A. VeluxQ. Which brothers had their first major Broadway success with the 1924 show ‘Lady be Good’? It includes the songs ‘Fascinating Rhythm’ and ‘Oh Lady be Good’ A. BarclayQ. In which European country did the polonaise dance originate? A. Polynesia.Q. What is nine and a half plus seven and a half? A. 20Q. We’re looking for chemical elements beginning with the letters N,O,B,E, or L.A. Iridium.Q. How were Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po collectively known? A. The Marx Brothers.Q. What is the lowest rank of the peerage, often abbreviated to Big B, little t? A. Duke.Q. What is the first name of the former Labour MP and Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport who entered the House of Lords as Baroness JowellA. BorisQ. Who is the patron saint of Wales? A. Prince Charles.Q. The dinosaur known as Attenboroughsaurus is named after which famous Naturalist? A. Oh God, Attenboroughsaurus. Um, er, pass.Q. What two-word place name is the location of the Ministry of Defence’s

military scientific research station? A. Strawberry Fields.Q. Who was Labour’s longest serving prime minister? A. Ted Heath.Q. Name the top ten teams in Italy’s Serie A football league. A. Madrid Q. Sorry, that’s not tenable. Try another one. A. BarcelonaQ. Name the ten largest countries in South America. A. Hungary.

STOP PRESSSt Patricks night 17th March Tuesday. At the Sun Pub Llangollen. The newly formed Barnstormers  a 5 piece band will be playing 2 sets 1st Bluegrass 2nd Irish. Music 9pm  to 11pm Why not go down for the Craic and enjoy some foot stomping evening.

I said I was only going out for a few quiet drinks with the lads last night. The missus wasn't happy with the state I was in this morning. Texas.

What's the difference between modern art and vandalism? A council grant.

WHAT DO WE WANT?""New shoes.""WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?""After trawling round twenty shops, getting the pair we saw in the first one."

"It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their

Bluegrass/Country/Folk/Acoustic MUSIC Night @ Owley Wood Club, Barrymore Road (Off Wallerscote Road), Weaverham, Nr Northwich. CW8 3LS. 8:30 Start. Prompt !! We have a room for use and there is no charge for attending. Every SECOND Wed in the Month.March 11th. All abilities welcome. . Contact is :- Email dave.man@talktalk.net

own pockets."

The Tour de France. 21 days where international cyclists compete to see which country has the best pharmacists.

The wife's leaving her job today. She's the longest-serving employee at the local McDonalds, having been there for 18 years. She's leaving with a load of new friends, some great memories, and Type 2 diabetes.

Police have arrested a man for selling pills that will give you eternal youth. Records show that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

I was reading about this bloke who's been arrested for exposing himself on a Ryanair flight to Dublin. That'll definitely be the first time anyone flying with Ryanair saw free nuts.

I thought that Alex Salmond had a huge chip on his shoulder but I now realise that it's

his massive potato-shaped head.

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. “So what are your plans?” The father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar.” He says. “A Torah scholar, Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?” “I will study,” the young man said, and God will provide for us.” “And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.” “And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?” “Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancé. The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away. "Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him. "I don't have to," the little boy replied. "Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

There are two types of people in this world:1 Morning people2People that want to shoot morning people

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. Turning the corner he spots a building with the sign, "Jerzy Dudek's Chinese Laundry." "Jerzy Dudek?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese man behind the counter. The tourist asks, "Why do you call this place "Jerzy Dudek's Chinese Laundry?" The old man answers, "Is name of owner." The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me, is right here," replies the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Jerzy Dudek?" "Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Jerzy Dudek.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sem Ting.'"

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I lost my job at the calendar factory. Yes the date will stay with me forever, 37th of Septober, 1947.

As I opened the box I could tell it was a Monopoly board from the word go.

Whenever I travel between cities in India I always get on the train. It's less crowded than the inside.

My missus says I’m immature and we should set aside a day to talk; like that’s going happen in the middle of the conker season?