The Captain Kirk

Volume 9.2 Grams Captain Kirk Hi School, ~Shreveport, La., June 6 , 1944 Number 0

The Roof's Out; the Heliport's in, Says Vesp u lution azibrunocowsnofski

By Henry Frick Ttle FAA (Federal Aviation

Admmis.trallon) yielded C1< a grant for a Heliport last Tuesday. A Heliport , for you acrophobiats, is the equivalent of an airport, except the on~y th ings that land there are ht!licopters. The roof

of the A building wi11 be the landing structure, w ith the recep­fon area in the 3rd Floor Science Lab. MISS Rinaudo wm drop all teach1ng functions to handle outgoing and incoming flights.

Tohe idea for the Hel iport bloowed from all the fuss from

NIGHT VIEW of the roof of 1he heliport is pictured here.

Carter Caught Pushing Desk Up Wall By Henry Frick

LJarry Garter has been callec many things, (few of wllidl I can mention in public), Student Council President, Varsity Foot­bat! Player, FCA member; but to­day we w ill expose Larry with this expose becavse tha1's what you do in an expose; you ex­pose. AnyVV'ay, Garter has sur­passed the moral boundries with his amazing feels of dexterity, mirltl, and al1 arou nd density. Tha1''S righ1, he is a stunt man.

-carter llas for years astounded hi'S pears wit.h b izzarre (?) and maoabre acts of strength, slam­ina, and tackiness, but has also managed to keep it hidden and exposec (there's that word again), only to hiS> close associ­ates. But now, with his senior year almost up, Garter has agreed to al low everyone to see these amazing tricks.

she says, "Lerry, go pick up that coffee ta~e over there by the walt"

Well, I p icked it up and it scooted u.p that VV'all and made a funny sound, 'squeeeeekkkkkk'

'Wilat ~ tllat agein?" "Squeeeeeeaa.aaaak~kkkk, jus,

like that. Ya' know, I heard my momma go 'Larry,' she says, 'Larry," s1op tt-01 dad-blasted

the pro and con bussing lob­bies.ts. Well, this i'S the best com­promise that the y covld come up w ith. Ex1ra money w nl be avail­able for the moo! for comcercial use on weekends and holidays, and in the summer.

Ex-Prindpa-1 Stanley Powell, commenting on the new facil ity, which is to be insta lled around March, sa id, " I think that this will be a new Heliport. It should be a new Heliport. It w ill be a new Heliport! Just think of the money!"

Captain Shreve's new Princi­pa l, Vito Vespulutionazibrunoco-wsnofski said, "He~·. uohh .. . wel l, I, uh ... man, I, ... uh ... you know?" We caught this fuscinating interview w ith Mr. Vespll.u tionazibruncowsnof!.ki while he was on his way to his remedia l gym c1ass.

Designer Cherlie Vespulution­azibrunocowsnofski, and his son Ricky Ve-spulutionazibrunocows­nofsk i, along w ;th his cousin, Hoyle VesterlunikgNssnipskico­wsnofskipui<eupnutsvilole-wolfga ng the Ill announced that the instal !ation mou'ld cost no more than $71 , as the only work needed to be done is removing the bodies from the roof. The helicopter will be furnished by Texas lnternatiorral Tra "ns and TelegNph, contractors for the Mule 7 Mars shot.

Secretary of Agriculture, E-arl Butts, or Earl the Pearl, contested that a wheat fie ld could NOT be grown in the frdnt lawn of the school, however, later in the day he c:id announce

(Continued on Page Seven)

Thtlse tr icks include s;awing a board in half, turning ice into water, making a marshmallow d isappear from his mouth, and (pictured) push a desk up a wal l. Being active in his cllurdl he has been cal led into the opening assemblies of his Sunday ~ool to start the hour with a ~'hearty desk~pvsh , marslhmallow d isap­pearance; or even a quickie board-ww.

RACE TRACK TO TURN PROFITS for benefit of student gamb·

We asked Garter if he would tell ho whe got s.tarted:

"tarry, how d id you get start­ed C:oing these stunts?"

'Well, it began when I was but a wee lad of four, when my momma done told me, "Larry,'

ling center.

screaming.' So it occurred to me 'Larry' I says, 'Larry' if you can fool your momma into thinking that you screaming instead of pushing the desk, well heck, I can fool anyone'."

"So tllat's how you got :;tart­ed on <this fantastic career of yours."

"Yep. Astounc:ing ain't it "

~3411691~ This is Your LUCKY NUMBER:

You may have a1ready won $1 00,00! Just compare your number to the list on page four. If it matches one on that page, cut out this box and bring 1 to the Office between 8:30 and 12:00 today.

CARTER SEEN PERFORMING one of his -amazing tricks siKh as pushing a desk up a wall.

Perdue Mends a Hand By Henry Frick

An emergency arises Pvery bathroom. Laughter VV'asn'l tne day in the life of a student and order of the dey when he ran Lester Demoine is no exception. to us mv:11bling something about Last Wednesday marked a red- "it doesn't say that in the script." letter day for Demoine when his FortuMtely Mr. Perdue was right hand VV'aS severed from there to help "mend a hand." So his wris.t. It ~<tppea rs that Demoine can now go back to the Demoine was attempting to porcelain to try, try agam. (See toucn the porcelme in the honor rel.a1ed p ictures on page two).

CS To Turn Stadium into Race Track By Henry Frick

A grandstand, a track, horses, jockeys, and horse. These are juSot a few of the llhings that ma~e vp a horse race track; one of the things Capt>ain Shreve is going to acquire. The track, to be named, "Pa l")ls Downs," will be readv for use in the 75-76 racing seasorr.

School Pnncipal, Vito Vespulu­tionazibrunocowsnofski, announ­ced th.;,t Wednesday's w iW be solid Exacta VV'agering, w ith dovbte paymg datly doubles on Saturday. Moncay's the track will close for school, and Tues­day's there will be a special 1 hOur class for the principles of betting, and ano!ner short course ent itled, "How to Win at a Race Track and not Have to Pay the

Income Tax!" T11ack officials have stated that

the students wil~ be able to bet only wjtJ1 a note from their par­ents. (ha-ha). All students who participate in the racing activities w ill receive an extra credit. But, there are no colleges tha.t accept­ing cred jts for a course or courses perta ining to " race tracks."

Students """'o have a 0.2 g11ade average or lower will be required to clean the racing facilities, and students with a 0.3 or over wd~ be able to partici­pate in thme racing activities, such as betting, p ickpocketing, ~ltlere are some coNeges offering crecits for this, but that's an­other story), retching, snoring, wife beat1ng, etc.

IN THIS ISHOE Teachers: hetp or hazard Beans on Sarro Two teachers mugged during teacher appreciation week Brian Leviston is Rea lly Bob Barker Ke itn Newman is Really Muhammad Ali Jay Sawyer is rea lly no one at a ll Danny Ma lone tells it aM Our favorite Pen Pal, Ju lie McDonald arrested for stabbing Pay with Pen Dennis Bound£ arrested for plagiarism on George Carl"n

Page 7 Page 19

Page 9 Page 19

f\!ge 5 Page 39

Page 9-1 /4 Pages 17-2X

Page 9 Page 1

Page? Page I

Page Two

Editorial, Dot, Dot, Dot Find A Word By Henry frick F I E I A I A I E B w p D :;: c s

Toothpicks. Why, in this age of the paper shortage, are I T F s p w s y a F K u T R we up to our bungelows in toothpicks. Well, it's about time that someone does something about ii~ We, the staff of lohe E I s T J s R I G E 0 F 0 s R A

Captain you-know-who Enterpnse, have vowed a fight against -!he misuse of this valuable resource.

L L 0 F u s T D 0 A L E T D R I

fve nas you read this, your fa'thful st-affers are plannin~ L D D E w w c X A z D R F v c D new safeguards to stop such ~tes of wood (or "brown-gold'

A w A D 'h Q D D E E w I X u as known in some circles) nowl Henry Friok is in charge of these operations and 'Should be credited. (Hey, that's mel) Henry, we credit you.

A w D G c E D D w G I; T ..,, w D X

c y u Step one in ~·s plian of sahilation will start with a mass 0 T G E F J y 0 K H G E 91¢test ag:a ir.s.t the three top toothpick f-actories. Henry is to lead

A s D p G H J K L 0 1 u y T R E the marcll and .all who w stl to fo!low will please contact him. Step two will be the trickiest of the many steps. It will z X c v B N M Q w E R T y u u s be sc!b.atoging the tootnptck-oarrying stor~ .,nd res1aurents. ~ch

toothpick will contain a small explosive. One of two turns agamst A s D F Q Q '.t R E c s R H !-1 c y the teellh and WHAMIIII Gives enough of a kick to rack up any orrthadontis:'a'l wori< or a M.<JOA2 tank! Ha, Ha; Yep, today they'll Brown Peach st.oehorn Cow Vowe11 Crumb lumb Prune learn their l~on: no to fool wilt. Mother Nature.

Simple Eat Ra in

MISTER PERDUE "lends a hand".

LESTER DEMOINE has hand severed. 14'12 ICJ.lf ~ 7r 0 I -7 2. '

3.7 ° 3!''1.1 L=Q X1Y2 t..~Rtl

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Y3 ..!L )-X f.:""'c 1

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3. tf ~ 4- 3X liG: ~ Ll.3- ··

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- {1[ ¢ 1.4~ 31.1 b.OI -r-T Club News

Apathy club is thinking of having their first meeting this Thursday or Friday, or one of those di!lys. If anyone shows up, they will discuss their plans to protest to Mr. Vespulut ionazi­brunocowsnofski on wny there a re no apa<tihetic assemblies. But, no one is expected to come.

Patrons, Dot, Dot, Dot

Pessimist Club will not have anymore meefngs this year be­cause eU members refuse to leave the safety of their homes.

FDA (Future Deserters of Ame rica) are p!anning to see a special showing of "The Execu­tion of Private Slovik" to d iS<:uss the mistakes he made at getting catJght and how to correct them.

Art Club is exhibiting their recent projeot, a Golem. They plan to meet w'th the Psychol­ogy dub tonight aJ 7:30 in the learning ce nter to diS<:us: when they plan to bring to life. A~l members mvst be present.

FNSA (Future Neuro-Surgeans of America) are stert 'ng a s.l~y of the great books of V'tal works, such as "Neuro-Surgery on the Grow" by Dr. leo Sharp, "B~~ains are our Friends" by Dr. Dave Garot, and "Fr.ankenstien" by Mary SheHy.

DWM (Daughters of the Mexi­can War) are panning to take a f ie d tr p to visit fumous lane marks of t.h's famous war. Trip cos.ts will be 1 00,000 pesos p~y­a ble to club mascot Jay Sawyer

Vicki Spence, Tom Murphy, Mary Ann V.an Osdell, Mr. and Nlrs. B. S. Osdelt, lisa Skarmn­ges, Art Rutherford, Debbie Baker, Mrs. W'mberly, Glen Rigby, Mildred N. Young, Secre­teriet, Mr. and Mrs. R. E. Bounds, Mrs. Wi11i.ams, Penny lips, Kat Sm'th, Elton John Harry and l ' nda, R. D HeOC:rick, Carol and Susan, Demon Zardoz, Coecn Tommy Powe , Rid< Neal, Miss Inez F~~C~nz, Mrs. Billy Prealow , Jamie Young, Charlie and Jeannine, Kerie Shirley, AI Carr, Mark Roppolo, Lori lodestro.

Bill Pickard, Dr. Robert Wm. Haacker, Nathan E. Kranson, Nancy Wallace, Terri Harvill, Oaptam James T. Kirk, Suzanne Hortman, Joannie Williams, Bar­b-are Bradley, ASi ison Stage, Mrs. Wa er, Mr. Beach, Gale Bridger, Mary Thornton, Sand~~a McCalla, Waher Weimar, Mrs. Walker, The Cheerleaders and AI. E. G-a­tor, Clara Pike, Mr. and Mrs. Ernest Berry, A Friend, Christie Anderson, Z~e, Mr. and Mrs. l. G. Caskey, Jay Fontaine, Town­son Photogrephy, l1. Col. and Mrs. Wm. A Bryan, Ann Raborn, Truman and Faye Kerr, Brenda Bryan, Robert 0. Booth, Will iam Jo~mson, Monte Elwinger.

Greg Cofer, Mad Marie, Susar Ferguson, Mr Spock, lynn Par­sons, Dr. and Mrs. Don E. Wo fe, O.ief Engineer Montgomery Scott, Henry J. Frick, Mr. and Mrs. B. B. Thoma~, Mary Thomas, G. G.'s 6th Period Cless, (Quiet

Nlari.anne!) Chuclol~ Dennis, Mr. Horton, Tommy W ilson *(Certi­fied) Ne'l He<f9es, Mr. and Mrs. Jerry R. Sawyer, C8mbria Kin­naro, Stewart Rose, Robin Rose is a rO'Se is .a rose ... Mr. and Mrs. N. A. Davis, AS<:ension D. Smith (High, Senorl) Melenie (Proator and) Gamble, Ra lph Peters, Mr. and Mrs. J . B. Bras­well Jr., Mr. and Mrs. Hazel Harris and D-aughte r, Marsha Watkins, Rick Carroll, Mrs. Ol­sen, Mark S. Roge rs, Kee p Hap­py Q uee n, W.ayne, get in the trunld Dr. J. R. Robinson.

Roy e.anner, Lt. Uhura, Freddie l yndie, Mr. and Mrs. Gene D. Booth, A. Neighbor, Another Frie nd, E. T. Coll'e r, W. l. Raga n, Bm Gard ne r, E4izabe th Spahf,

Landon, Still More Fr iends, Dr. l eonard /lkeoy, Rufus Leak ing, Faun, Rosenberg, Purdy Lee Spackle, Kar Klvb, Breathing For Credit Cless, Koctak, llaszlo Utzz­man, Welldone F\.mera l Home, A. l eper, S. D. Lauder, A. Tr.ain, C. Senor, What, More Friends!? Sigmund and the Sea Monsters, Oapt.a in Marvel Says, "Remem­ber boy.s and g irls ... SHUT UPI'' W-arning: Anyllh'ng wr Hen on thi-s page is intended for the priv&te use of our a-udience, any rereading or other use of this priming on this page is pro­hibited!

Oh, by the way ... if you see something here that isn't like you piJ1 it, don't worry. It's all Folo Copy.

The Oapta in Kirk Ente rprise is circll..ated intreven­o usly eacn year, depending on whether the adviser wants i:t or not. Cost pe r issue depends on how much in red lohe newspaper staff is.

Ec:itor-in-ctlie f As:;istant Editor Assist-ant Editor Errand Boy

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Henry C. Frick

John Boy Writers (YeOOhhhl) Sponsors

He nry C. Frick Henry C. Frick

Nathan Krenson . . Nathan Granson

Drew Bounds and Dennis Markham The BtJrpo Co. ~nd

tne Krekoaopedate Corp .

June 6, 1944

Classified Ads BODY BU ILDING

Puny, underweig ht s i c k o sought by ella n of body build­'09 .,tvd,O'S ro pose for "Before" prctures in new ad campaign. Must be expenenced 1n show­ing symptoms similar to ltlose of Beri-beri and rickets. Send re~ume and pho1o to: Bulging B1ceps Enterprises, Muscle Beach, Calif

Do You Blow Off Fingers, toe~. e c. wh 1e cleanmg your guns? Don 1 throw !he mawayl Mipcj,e- European Body- Bu;lder will pay top prices for them ... particut.lrly interested in Boris Karloff-type head anc neck. Will svpply my own bolts Contact Dr Frenkenstem Ill. Box 836.

FOR SALE Wonde rful docile pets-Chea p!

These an ma s come to vs d irect from our make-up testing labora­tories, and except for blindness or other minor aff 1d ons caused by hair spreys, mascara, etc. make extre~y gentle pets. Animals driven mad by lab ex­periments not included in this group. labs UnHmited, Rock Bottom, M ss SSippl.

WANTro Dogs, cats, rabbits, t~tc . are

needed by test ng oabs for ve ry 1mpor!ant exper'ments on prod­ucts used for cosmetic consump­t•on We don't pay much, but re'SI assvred that we will co our best to find your animal a decent home y,f,en we're through w ith him. l.iabs Unlimited, Rock Bot­tom, Mismsipp·.

Fresh animal carcasses for fransp ant operations to othe r anima~. Objeative: new species of animals. Already working mode1s include: Hort (Horose and Gat), Dish (Dog and Fish), &Jr­raffe (Burro and G r11affe). Gro­tesque labs, Happy Vi! e Sani­torivm Reievko&kJy S~r'a.

FOR SAlE- UNUSUAL IT EMS 576 pound candle. Accidental­

ly mac:e when entire stock of candles fvsed together during heat wave last summer. Psych~ delic effect due to wnning to­gether of colors. If wide can be located, this should make some nice eternal f)ame for some off beat re1'gious cult. Ploask Candles Co • w~serville, w y 0 m i n g 19239

Under -Grad Bingo The University of Peoria ln­

v es You to Win an Instant Phb. Degree by Play ng

Under-Grad Bingo! Under-Grad Bingo Rules: 1. This contest is open to all

working advLts who quit thei r jobs to become tuition paying student'S at the University of Peoria, enrolling 'n the four match courses needed to unde r­stand th's B'ngo care!.

2. As soon as your b3ckg­round permits, acd up all the vertiC&! .and horizontal rows on your Free Under-Grad Bingo Card.

3. Find the cvbe root of the sum of aM rOW'S and multiply by the log3r' hm of your birth year.

4. If the answer comes out precisely 8 2733, you're a w in­ner!

5 To coiled yolK Instant Ph. D . just subm·~ your winning Under-Grad Bingo oarg, togethe r wil~ a dilsser!lation of 200 p-ages or more on "The Matheoatical fmprobability of IItle logarithm of any theoretiaa'l Number Multi­p1 ed by the Cvbe Root of the sum of Ten Randomly Selected D g e t s Equa ~ing Precisely 8.2733.

6 . Once your dissertation is deemed acceptably br~liant by the U of P f>aculty, you get your Ph D.

Play as o~en as you like! Ask for a new FRE£ Under-Grad

Bingo Card each semester you enroll.

J une 6, 1944 Pag e Three

Sports, Spots, Spolts, Splots, Splats • • • • • • • • • • • •

feam Number 4 coming down a hill .at full speed.

The wipeout!

An Arab bartering for a chicken.

Go, Shoehorns!

Harbuck's Sporting Goods

"Your Sponts Specia lists"

5S56 tine Avenue

Phone 669-2393

,-~ Styron •

Engraving Co.

Creetors of fine Stationery Since 1903

tnvlifations - Announcemen1s Vi1SitH1g CardS! ~ letterhead'S

2414 Line Avenue

Shreveport, l.e .

RENT -.4-

REVOL-lJTIOI\'

YOUR ONE-STOP SHOP FOR

CONVENTIONAL WARFARE

Special 6--Diay War RraJes Monthly end Yearly, Too!

.Corr~lleltcly Mercetlary ~ ... n:tl'ions Service

for VV!ofe lnfo1"11'113.1ion Call <IM.R .. 5050

Soutltfiehl plf,za Gifts

561 9 Youree Dnve Gifll6 Si:'i11ionery

Ga tor's

Pallbearing Hits City Like a Big Bombshell

Pudry Lee Speckle

Pallbear ing hits Shreveport like a bombshell. It has a lso hi t Shreve like a bombs.hell. Stu­dei'Yis have never had more fun t han carrying stiffs around for competition. Star pa llbearers, Larry Krodenzpie l, and Dennis Br.abaham Lloyd ~ymei Johnson Il l, are pictured here in sequence a s they race against the clock (and death). These students have won a saholarship to the Morti­cians college of Texas. Only one ether student has shown so much v igor, bvt he is now a pall jockey and is not able to com­pe'te any more . We hope that you w ill come out and support 'Our pa llbearing team the next t ime the y are "Out lugging ."

The coffin goes out of <ontrol, after iTeam Number 4 loses footing.

Districters To Tee Off llhe hoard<eurt will neve r be

the same as after this year's Dist rict playoffs that w ill add a bit mo re dvst to the trophy case of Captain Kirk's precious dar l­ings of basketballdom. Jump­ing, running, pass ing , dribbling, and toud-ldowns w ill be the call of the d3y as the ycome wizzing down the court to hook their way into your hearts. Their his­tory is as fentastic as the ir skill in svcf1 award winning th ings as Colleotive wrestl ing, Free-style Had<sawing , and Remedia l Wee­zzing One. Coach Dal~s O'Hara, when asked how he thinks his team will fare during the game , he replied "YIYIYIYIYI (HAAAC OCCCKKK) YOYOYO BUDIGUDI BUDI OOOOHHHHHYYY Ol*** MY** *GOOONf SSI!!

Don't worry, the stiff's okay!

las-t year the team won an easy victory over last year's oontender the Fiaggo a Hig h Sochool P-ansies, when they " pul­led the wool over their eyes" a s they reached to each uniform a nd yanked thei r p ink wool sweaters over their their their (BUMP) (Sorry, my typewriter got stuckXXX) eys ..

Tonighl, our li91less boy.>Won­d e rs will fight Bimbo High School Rocke1tes in a seven in­ning, Free-style, anyl!h ing goes, no-holds-barred, figllt to the f inish w ith the loud-crowd ga­torites cheering them on. Hear them yell. Hear them scream. J~t let them as.tound you with their w it and w isdom. Come one, come a ll. It will all take p lace tonight behind the Gym at twelve-10irty.

Principal Vespulutiona:zibrunocowsnofski observing the pall. baaring festivities, while eating a gefitile fish.

lucky Number Sheet

Yes , here they are !

199283193 2333 181 72 019283459 134116911 1 ~ 411 69 1 3 199283198

Gator Trails, Dot, Dot, Dash, Dot Purdy Lee Spackle

Well, g-ang, I don't know abolR you, but I'm mad! I mean rea lly steame d! All of our pro-

testing, nagging, yell ing and screaming and we stiil can't get itl I just don't know why the Facul1y coesn't want an intra-

~ CA'PTNN SHREVE

~75¢Value Discount

SILVER BLADES ICE PALACE 9310 NORMANDIE DRIV E- HEART OF SUMMER GROVE

Phone 687-6025

Ex-pires~~ 10, 1975

(Not good in combonatoon woth other doscounts)

mura l touch wrest ling team. Its SO imporrent to us! We thought t hat the Faculty, w ith thet old meany Vespulut ionazibrunocows nofski, were softening up when they Jet us guys take Home Ec . But no! They wan4 to keep us locked up so we won't get hurt! Well, I'm not afra id! I'm proud to be a gatoreUe! Long w ill our f lag of injU$Iice be crippled be­cause of those sadist'c meaniesl Imagine! banning us from bak­ing cakes on the sdlool grounds! WeH, when I get my s ilk scarf f ixed! Powl They're going to come around and see the light and they are not going to care about how you w;,nt to do things. Hummph!

P01ge Four

Actu• lly Kick 6teve Hamner!

t

Your Very Own Ego Page!

Your Picture Here

Pho-toon

Here it is, gangl The coveted, and long awaited EGO PAGE, is finally here! Simply put your p icture ·n t~ blank spaces, and voi~a! You 011n show yoor friends t hat you are important enough to be in the pape r!

Well, Dennis and Drew, I don't care if we do sell a lot of papers; you' re still a bunch

of morons!

•

-

June 6, 1944