TOUGH CONVERSATIONS Strategies for Tackling Difficult Planning Questions

You may have thought that the birds and the bees was the most awkward conversation you would ever have. But a few more uncomfortable conversations may be looming: about aging, end-of-life concerns and related considerations.

It’s tempting for spouses, parents and children, siblings and friends—in short, anyone concerned about a loved one to put off these “big talks.” But vital issues like those outlined here should be discussed sooner rather than later.

STRATEGIES FOR TACKLING DIFFICULT PLANNING QUESTIONS

GETTING READYBefore you get started, here are some things to keep in mind.

1. Set the right tone: There’s workto be done before you even initiate aconversation with. Thoughtfully choosethe timing, location and participants inadvance to ensure a relaxed, neutral,non-threatening environment. It’simportant for everyone—especially anelderly person—to feel comfortable andable to participate in the discussion. Ifothers want to be involved, make sure

you agree on your goals and strategy ahead of time so you present a united front. Be candid and open. Explain your concerns specifically and clearly without dancing around the issues. Share your feelings. Use “I” statements, and remind your loved one that your concerns come from love.

2. Follow the Golden Rule. Imagine theroles are reversed and that you are theone being approached. How would youwant your loved ones to talk to you abouttheir concerns?

3. Remind your loved one that you’rehere to provide support . Take care thatyour loved one doesn’t feel threatenedor see you as an adversary in theinteraction. Reassure them frequentlythat you have their best interests atheart above all else.

4. Allow your loved one to feel incontrol. Make it clear to your loved onethat the purpose of this conversationis to clarify their wishes about thefuture, not to force some predetermineddecision on them.

5. Take it slowly. Plant ideas, then takea step back and bring up the advantagesand disadvantages later on. Yourloved one may resist well-intentionedsuggestions, so be prepared forpushback. Forcing the issue can createconflict, so if tensions rise, it’s best to letit go for that moment and return to thetopic later. This is not a one-time-fixes-all conversation.

TOUGH CONVERSATIONSOnce you’re ready to talk, here are the five important topics you should discuss, along with strategies for making the conversation more comfortable for all. Feel free to adapt these questions and conversation starters to your unique situation.

1. Where and what is in your will ortrust? A will or trust is a meansto express our values through thedistribution of assets to heirs and tothe causes we championed duringour lives. Having a will in place alsosimplifies the estate settlementprocess for your executor or trustee.

How to bring it up: “I don’t want toupset you, but if something happenedto you, I would want to make sure thatyour wishes are honored. It would helpme to have clear instructions fromyou to follow. Do you have a will?”

2. Do you have a power of attorneyfor finances and healthcare? Thisdesignation gives another party theability to make legal and financialdecisions in the event your loved oneis unable to do so. Depending on whohas been selected for these tasks,your loved one may want to explainwhy those particular individuals werechosen.

How to bring it up: “I want someonedesignated to make my decisions forme in an emergency, so I’m getting

my paperwork together. I would feel so much better if you did the same.”

3. Have you made decisions aboutthe kinds of medical treatmentsyou want? Advance Health CareDirectives include a living will(which gives written instructionson the degree of life-sustainingmeasures you want taken) and aHIPAA (Health Insurance Portabilityand Accountability Act) release(which gives another person accessto your medical records). These arekey documents each of us shouldhave in place. They are described inmore detail in our complimentarypublication, Estate Planning

Many people like to leave a gift to charity in their will, trust or by beneficiary designation. As you create or review your plans, we hope you will consider creating a legacy of support for Earthjustice by leaving a gift in your will or trust or by naming Earthjustice a beneficiary of your retirement plan or insurance policy.

Essentials, which can be downloaded at earthjustice.org/planning.

How to bring it up: “If you had a medical emergency, I’m sure I would be really distracted and not in the best frame of mind to make decisions. I think it would give you—and me—some peace of mind if you put it in writing.”

4. Do you have someone named as anauthorized user on your bank andinvestment accounts? If your lovedone becomes incapacitated or dies,family members may need to haveaccess to funds to cover expensessuch as medical care, a nursing homeor funeral arrangements. The most

straightforward way to keep that money from being tied up is to name a trusted family member as a co-owner of investments and accounts. Often this is the same person who has your power of attorney for financial matters. This allows both parties to deposit and withdraw funds and also close accounts. How to bring it up: “I want to make sure that if something should happen to you, there would be nofinancial concerns and there would be immediate access to your financial resources. There are a few documents designed to make that possible. Can we talk about them?”

4 TIPS for Keeping an elderly loved one Safe

Spending time with an elderly parent or other relative is one of the best gifts you can give—a chance to reconnect and show you care. It’s also a good time to ensure your loved one is safe. Here are four tips to consider during your visit:

» DIET Is your loved one eating regularly? Check the kinds of food in the kitchen. Isany spoiled or expired? Would reminders, help with shopping and meal preparation, oroccasional home-delivered meals help?

» MEDICATION Inquire about what medications your relative is taking. Is she takingproper dosages? Look for duplicates from multiple doctors and pharmacies and checkexpiration dates.

» MOBILIT Y Is your loved one having difficulty walking or getting in and out of bed orchairs? Are there stairs, loose rugs or obstructions that could cause a fall?

» MEMORY Does your loved one forget recent events or conversations or perhapsstruggle for words or names? If so, don’t panic; memory loss can occur for manyreasons and is not necessarily a cause for alarm. Discuss seeing a physician for anevaluation.

5. Can we talk about the car? Takingaway the keys to the car means moreto an older adult than losing the abilityto drive oneself around. This milestoneis often one of the first experiences ofdecreased independence and kicks offthe role-reversal with children who aretaking over responsibility. Realize thisshift can be incredibly difficult and thathanding over the car keys could make aloved one feel like their end is near.

Experts in aging recommend that youtalk not in terms of “taking away the carkeys,” but instead frame it as “hangingthem up”—a more temporary-soundingstep. If your parent has had an accidentor has received traffic tickets, raisingthe topic in that context can be helpful.

How to bring it up: “Mom, it seems like you no longer feel confident behind the wheel.It seems that driving is becoming more of a struggle. What do you think?”

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

As you discuss end-of-life and planning considerations with your loved one, don’t forget to make sure that you have take similar steps yourself. When you create or update your plans, we hope you will consider joining the many people who have decided to leave a gift to charity in their will or trust because they care about causes that are important in their lives. We hope you will consider leaving a gift

in your will or trust or by beneficiary designation to Earthjustice.

If you have decided to leave a gift for Earthjustice, we suggest the following language:

“I hereby give (percentage, residuary, share or specific amount or asset) to Earthjustice, 50 California Street, Suite 500, San Francisco, CA 94111.” Earthjustice Tax ID: 94-1730465

If you have left a gift for Earthjustice, we hope you will let us know so we can thank you and welcome you to the Evergreen Council, a group of exceptional individuals who have made Earthjustice and protecting our planet a part of their lasting legacy.

We're here to help:Planned Giving Team

50 California Street, Suite 500, San Francisco, CA 94111

(800) 584-6460 or legacy@earthjustice.org

Leaving an unrestricted gift to Earthjustice enables us address the biggest challenges and opportunities we’ll face at the time we receive your gift; however, we also welcome gifts to support specific areas of our work, such as wildlife and wilderness protection, healthy communities, or clean energy and climate change. We would be delighted to discuss ways to provide for the work you most care about and create a statement of intent that ensures your wishes are honored.

If you have left a gift for Earthjustice, we hope you will let us know so we can thank you and welcome you to the Evergreen Council, a group of exceptional individuals who have made Earthjustice and protecting our planet a part of their lasting legacy.

Download our other complimentary planning publications at earthjustice.org/planning

This publication is not intended as legal, accounting or other professional advice. For assistance in charitable planning, always engage the services of a qualified professional.