Allidentifyingdetails,includingnames,havebeenchangedexceptforthosepertainingtotheauthors’familymembers.Thisbookisnotintendedasasubstituteforadvicefromatrainedprofessional.

Copyright©2011byMindYourBrain,Inc.,andBrysonCreativeProductions,Inc.

Allrightsreserved.

PublishedintheUnitedStatesbyDelacortePress,animprintofTheRandomHousePublishingGroup,adivisionofRandomHouse,Inc.,NewYork.

DELACORTEandcolophonareregisteredtrademarksofRandomHouse,Inc.

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Siegel,DanielJ.Thewhole-brainchild:12revolutionarystrategiestonurtureyourchild’sdevelopingmind/DanielJ.Siegel,TinaPayneBryson.p.cm.eISBN:978-0-553-90725-41.Parenting.2.Childdevelopment.3.Childrearing.I.Bryson,TinaPayne.II.Title.HQ755.8.S531232011649’.1019—dc222010052988

IllustrationsbyTuesdayMourningJacketdesign:MisaErder

v3.1_r2

Contents

CoverTitlePageCopyright

Introduction:SURVIVEANDTHRIVE

Chapter1:PARENTINGWITHTHEBRAININMIND

Chapter2:TWOBRAINSAREBETTERTHANONE:IntegratingtheLeftandtheRightWhole-BrainStrategy#1:ConnectandRedirect:SurfingEmotionalWaves

Whole-BrainStrategy#2:NameIttoTameIt:TellingStoriestoCalmBigEmotions

Chapter3:BUILDINGTHESTAIRCASEOFTHEMIND:IntegratingtheUpstairsandDownstairsBrainWhole-BrainStrategy#3:Engage,Don’tEnrage:AppealingtotheUpstairsBrain

Whole-BrainStrategy#4:UseItorLoseIt:ExercisingtheUpstairsBrain

Whole-BrainStrategy#5:MoveItorLoseIt:MovingtheBodytoAvoidLosingtheMind

Chapter4:KILLTHEBUTTERFLIES!IntegratingMemoryforGrowthandHealing

Whole-BrainStrategy#6:UsetheRemoteoftheMind:ReplayingMemories

Whole-BrainStrategy#7:RemembertoRemember:MakingRecollectionaPartofYourFamily’sDailyLife

Chapter5:THEUNITEDSTATESOFME:IntegratingtheManyPartsoftheSelfWhole-BrainStrategy#8:LettheCloudsofEmotionRollBy:TeachingThatFeelingsComeandGo

Whole-BrainStrategy#9:SIFT:PayingAttentiontoWhat’sGoingOnInside

Whole-BrainStrategy#10:ExerciseMindsight:GettingBacktotheHub

Chapter6:THEME-WECONNECTION:IntegratingSelfandOtherWhole-BrainStrategy#11:IncreasetheFamilyFunFactor:MakingaPointtoEnjoyEachOther

Whole-BrainStrategy#12:ConnectThroughConflict:TeachKidstoArguewitha“We”inMind

Conclusion:BRINGINGITALLTOGETHER

RefrigeratorSheet

Whole-BrainAgesandStages

Dedication

Acknowledgments

AbouttheAuthors

INTRODUCTION:

SurviveandThrive

You’ve had those days, right? When the sleep deprivation, themuddycleats,thepeanutbutteronthenewjacket,thehomeworkbattles,thePlay-Dohinyourcomputerkeyboard,andtherefrainsof“Shestarted it!” leaveyoucounting theminutesuntilbedtime.On these days, when you (again?!!) have to pry a raisin from anostril,itseemslikethemostyoucanhopeforistosurvive.However,when it comes to your children, you’re aiming a lothigherthanmeresurvival.Ofcourseyouwanttogetthroughthosedi cult tantrum-in-the-restaurantmoments. Butwhether you’re aparentorothercommittedcaregiverinachild’slife,yourultimategoalistoraisekidsinawaythatletsthemthrive.Youwantthemtoenjoymeaningfulrelationships,becaringandcompassionate,dowellinschool,workhardandberesponsible,andfeelgoodaboutwhotheyare.Survive.Thrive.We’vemetwith thousandsofparentsover theyears.Whenweask themwhatmattersmost to them,versionsof these twogoalsalmostalwaystopthelist.Theywanttosurvivedi cultparentingmoments, and theywant theirkidsand their family to thrive.Asparentsourselves,wesharethesesamegoalsforourownfamilies.Inournobler,calmer,sanermoments,wecareaboutnurturingourkids’ minds, increasing their sense of wonder, and helping themreachtheirpotentialinallaspectsoflife.Butinthemorefrantic,stressful, bribe-the-toddler-into-the-car-seat-so-we-can-rush-to-the-soccer-gamemoments, sometimesallwe canhope for is to avoidyellingorhearingsomeonesay,“You’resomean!”

Takeamoment andaskyourself:Whatdoyou reallywant foryourchildren?Whatqualitiesdoyouhopetheydevelopandtakeinto their adult lives? Most likely you want them to be happy,independent, and successful. You want them to enjoy ful llingrelationshipsandlivealifefullofmeaningandpurpose.Nowthinkabout what percentage of your time you spend intentionallydeveloping these qualities in your children. If you’re like mostparents,youworrythatyouspendtoomuchtimejusttryingtogetthrough the day (and sometimes the next ve minutes) and notenough time creating experiences that help your children thrive,bothtodayandinthefuture.Youmight evenmeasure yourself against some sort of perfectparentwhoneverstrugglestosurvive,whoseeminglyspendseverywaking second helping her children thrive. You know, the PTApresidentwhocooksorganic,well-balancedmealswhilereadingtoher kids in Latin about the importance of helping others, thenescorts them to the artmuseum in thehybrid that plays classicalmusic and mists lavender aromatherapy through the air-conditioning vents. None of us can match up to this imaginarysuperparent.Especiallywhenwefeellikealargepercentageofourdays are spent in full-blown survival mode, where we ndourselveswild-eyedand red-facedat the endof abirthdayparty,shouting,“Ifthere’sonemoreargumentoverthatbowandarrow,nobody’sgettinganypresents!”Ifanyofthissoundsfamiliar,we’vegotgreatnewsforyou:themomentsyouarejusttryingtosurviveareactuallyopportunitiestohelpyourchild thrive.At timesyoumayfeel that the loving, importantmoments(likehavingameaningfulconversationaboutcompassionor character) are separate from the parenting challenges (likeghting another homework battle or dealing with anothermeltdown). But they are not separate at all.When your child isdisrespectfulandtalksbacktoyou,whenyouareaskedtocomein

forameetingwiththeprincipal,whenyou ndcrayonscribblesalloveryourwall: theseare survivemoments,noquestionabout it.Butatthesametime,theyareopportunities—evengifts—becausea survive moment isalso a thrivemoment,where the important,meaningfulworkofparentingtakesplace.For example, think about a situation you often just try to getthrough.Maybewhen your kids are ghtingwith each other forthe third timewithin threeminutes. (Not toohard to imagine, isit?) Insteadof justbreakingup the ghtandsending thesparringsiblings to di erent rooms, you can use the argument as anopportunity for teaching: about re ective listening and hearinganother person’s point of view; about clearly and respectfullycommunicating your own desires; about compromise, sacri ce,negotiation,and forgiveness.Weknow: it soundshard to imaginein the heat of themoment. Butwhen you understand a little bitaboutyourchildren’semotionalneedsandmental states,youcancreatethiskindofpositiveoutcome—evenwithoutUnitedNationspeacekeepingforces.There’s nothing wrong with separating your kids when they’reghting.It’sagoodsurvivaltechnique,andincertainsituationsitmay be the best solution. But often we can do better than justendingthecon ictandnoise.Wecantransformtheexperienceintoone that develops not only each child’s brain but also herrelationship skills and her character. Over time, the siblings willeach continue to grow and become more pro cient at handlingcon ict without parental guidance. This will be just one of themanywaysyoucanhelpthemthrive.What’s great about this survive-and-thrive approach is that youdon’t have to try to carve out special time to help your childrenthrive.Youcanusealloftheinteractionsyoushare—thestressful,angry ones as well as the miraculous, adorable ones—asopportunitiestohelpthembecometheresponsible,caring,capable

peopleyouwantthemtobe.That’swhatthisbookisabout:usingthoseeverydaymomentswithyourkids tohelp themreach theirtruepotential.The followingpageso eranantidote toparentingand academic approaches that overemphasize achievement andperfection at any cost.We’ll focus instead onways you can helpyour kids bemore themselves, more at ease in the world, lledwith more resilience and strength. How do you do that? Ouranswer is simple: you need to understand some basics about theyoungbrainthatyouarehelpingtogrowanddevelop.That’swhatTheWhole-BrainChildisallabout.

HOWTOUSETHISBOOK

Whetheryou’reaparent,grandparent, teacher, therapist,orothersigni cant caregiver in a child’s life, we’vewritten this book foryou.We’llusetheword“parent”throughout,butwe’retalkingtoanyonedoingthecrucialworkofraising,supporting,andnurturingkids. Our goal is to teach you how to use your everydayinteractionsasopportunitiestohelpyouandthechildrenyoucareforbothsurviveandthrive.Thoughmuchofwhatyou’llreadcanbecreativelytailoredforteens—infact,weplantowriteafollow-upthatdoesjustthat—thisbookfocusesontheyearsfrombirthtotwelve, centering especially on toddlers, school-age kids, andpreteens.In the following pages we explain the whole-brain perspectiveand give you a variety of strategies to help your children behappier, healthier, and more fully themselves. The rst chapterpresents the concept of parenting with the brain in mind andintroduces the simple and powerful concept at the heart of thewhole-brain approach, integration.Chapter2 focusesonhelpingachild’sleftbrainandrightbrainworktogethersothechildcanbe

connected to both his logical and emotional selves.Chapter 3emphasizes the importance of connecting the instinctual“downstairs brain” with the more thoughtful “upstairs brain,”which is responsible for decision making, personal insight,empathy,andmorality.Chapter4explainshowyoucanhelpyourchilddealwithpainfulmomentsfromthepastbyshiningthelightof understanding on them, so they can be addressed in a gentle,conscious, and intentional way.Chapter 5 helps you teach yourkidsthattheyhavethecapacitytopauseandre ectontheirownstateofmind.Whentheycandothat,theycanmakechoicesthatgive them control over how they feel and how they respond totheirworld.Chapter6highlightswaysyoucanteachyourchildrenabout the happiness and ful llment that result from beingconnectedtoothers,whilestillmaintainingauniqueidentity.A clear understanding of these di erent aspects of the whole-brain approachwill allowyou to viewparenting in awhole newway.Asparents,wearewiredtotrytosaveourchildrenfromanyharmandhurt, butultimatelywe can’t. They’ll fall down, they’llget their feelings hurt, and they’ll get scared and sad and angry.Actually, it’s often these di cult experiences that allow them togrowandlearnabouttheworld.Ratherthantryingtoshelterourchildren from life’s inevitable di culties, we can help themintegrate those experiences into their understanding of theworldandlearnfromthem.Howourkidsmakesenseoftheiryounglivesisnotonlyaboutwhathappens to thembutalsoabouthowtheirparents,teachers,andothercaregiversrespond.With that inmind, oneof ourprimarygoalshasbeen tomakeTheWhole-Brain Child as helpful as possible by giving you thesespeci ctoolstomakeyourparentingeasierandyourrelationshipswith your children more meaningful. That’s one reason roughlyhalf of every chapter is devoted to “WhatYouCanDo” sections,whereweprovidepractical suggestionsandexamplesofhowyou

canapplythescientificconceptsfromthatchapter.Also,attheendofeachchapteryou’ll ndtwosectionsdesignedto help you readily implement your new knowledge. The rst is“Whole-Brain Kids,” written to help you teach your children thebasics ofwhatwe’ve covered in that particular chapter. Itmightseemstrange to talk toyoungchildrenabout thebrain. Itisbrainscience, after all. But we’ve found that even small children—asyoungasfouror ve—reallycanunderstandsomeimportantbasicsaboutthewaythebrainworks,andinturnunderstandthemselvesand theirbehaviorand feelings innewandmore insightfulways.Thisknowledgecanbeverypowerfulforthechild,aswellastheparentwho is trying to teach, to discipline, and to love inwaysthat feel good to both of them.We’ve written the “Whole-BrainKids”sectionswithaschool-ageaudienceinmind,butfeelfreetoadapt the information as you read aloud, so that it’sdevelopmentallyappropriateforyourchild.Theothersectionattheendofeachchapteriscalled“IntegratingOurselves.”Whereasmostofthebookfocusesontheinnerlifeofyourchildandtheconnectionbetweenthetwoofyou,herewe’llhelp you apply each chapter’s concepts to your own life andrelationships. As children develop, their brains “mirror” theirparent’s brain. In other words, the parent’s own growth anddevelopment,orlackofthose,impactthechild’sbrain.Asparentsbecomemore aware and emotionally healthy, their children reapthe rewards and move toward health as well. That means thatintegrating and cultivating your own brain is one of the mostlovingandgenerousgiftsyoucangiveyourchildren.Anothertoolwehopeyou’ll ndhelpfulisthe“AgesandStages”chartattheendofthebook,whereweo erasimplesummaryofhowthebook’s ideascanbe implementedaccordingtotheageofyourchild.Eachchapterofthebookisdesignedtohelpyouputitsideas immediately into practice, with multiple suggestions

appearing throughout to address various ages and stages ofchildhooddevelopment.Buttomakeiteasierforparents,this nalreference sectionwill categorize the book’s suggestions accordingto age and development. If you’re the mother of a toddler, forexample, you canquickly nda reminderofwhat you cando toenhanceintegrationbetweenyourchild’sleftandrightbrain.Then,asyourtoddlergrows,youcancomebacktothebookateachageand viewa list of the examples and suggestionsmost relevant toyourchild’snewstage.Additionally, just before the “Ages and Stages” section, you’llnd a “Refrigerator Sheet” that verybrie yhighlights thebook’smost importantpoints.Youcanphotocopy this sheetandplace itontherefrigerator,sothatyouandeveryonewholovesyourkids—parents,babysitters,grandparents,andsoon—canworktogetheronbehalfofyourchildren’soverallwell-being.Aswehopeyou’llsee,we’rekeepingyouinmindasweworktomake this book as accessible and easy to read as possible. Asscientists, we’ve emphasized precision and accuracy; as parents,we’veaimedforpracticalunderstanding.Andwe’vewrestledwiththistensionandcarefullyconsideredhowbesttoprovideyouwiththelatestandmostimportantinformation,whiledoingitinawaythat’sclear,helpful,and immediatelypractical.While thebook iscertainlyscienti callybased,youaren’tgoingtofeellikeyou’reinscienceclassorreadinganacademicpaper.Yes,it’sbrainscience,andwe’reabsolutelycommittedtoremainingtruetowhatresearchandsciencedemonstrate.Butwe’llsharethisinformationinawaythat welcomes you in, rather than leaving you out in the cold.We’vebothspentourcareerstakingcomplicatedbutvitalscienti cknowledgeaboutthebrainandboilingitdownsothatparentscanunderstand it and immediately apply it in their interactionswiththeirkidsonadailybasis.Sodon’tbescaredo bythebrainstu .We think you’ll nd it fascinating, and much of the basic

informationisactuallyprettysimpletounderstand,aswellaseasytouse. (If youare interested inmoreof thedetailsof thesciencebehindwhatwe’representinginthesepages, takea lookatDan’sbooksMindsightandTheDevelopingMind,2ndedition.)Thanksforjoiningusonthisjourneytowardafullerknowledgeof how you can truly help your kids be happier, healthier, andmorefullythemselves.Withanunderstandingofthebrain,youcanbe more intentional about what you teach your kids, how yourespond to them, and why. You can then do much more thanmerelysurvive.Bygivingyourchildrenrepeatedexperiences thatdevelop thewhole brain, youwill face fewer everydayparentingcrises. Butmore than that, understanding integrationwill let youknowyourchildmoredeeply,respondmoree ectivelytodi cultsituations, and intentionally build a foundation for a lifetime oflove and happiness. As a result, not only will your child thrive,bothnowandintoadulthood,butyouandyourwholefamilywillaswell.Pleasevisitusatourwebsiteandtellusaboutyourwhole-brainparentingexperiences.Welookforwardtohearingfromyou.

DanandTinawww.WholeBrainChild.com

CHAPTER1

ParentingwiththeBraininMind

Parentsareoftenexpertsabouttheirchildren’sbodies.Theyknowthat a temperature above 98.6 degrees is a fever. They know tocleanoutacutso itdoesn’tget infected.Theyknowwhich foodsaremostlikelytoleavetheirchildwiredbeforebedtime.Buteventhemostcaring,best-educatedparentsoftenlackbasicinformation about their child’s brain. Isn’t this surprising?Especially when you consider the central role the brain plays invirtually every aspect of a child’s life that parents care about:discipline, decision making, self-awareness, school, relationships,and soon. In fact, thebrainprettymuchdetermineswhoweareandwhatwedo.And since thebrain itself is signi cantly shapedbytheexperiencesweo erasparents,knowingaboutthewaythebrainchangesinresponsetoourparentingcanhelpustonurtureastronger,moreresilientchild.So we want to introduce you to the whole-brain perspective.We’d like to explain some fundamental concepts about the brainandhelp you apply your newknowledge inways thatwillmakeparenting easier and more meaningful. We’re not saying thatraisingawhole-brain childwill get ridof all the frustrations thatcomewithparenting.Butbyunderstandingafewsimpleandeasy-to-master basics about how the brain works, you’ll be able to betterunderstand your child, respondmore e ectively to di cult situations,andbuildafoundationforsocial,emotional,andmentalhealth.Whatyou do as a parent matters, and we’ll provide you withstraightforward,scienti callybasedideasthatwillhelpyoubuildastrong relationship with your child that can help shape his brain

wellandgivehimthebestfoundationforahealthyandhappylife.Letustellyouastorythatillustrateshowusefulthisinformationcanbeforparents.

EEAWOOWOO

OnedayMariannareceivedacallatworktellingherthathertwo-year-oldson,Marco,hadbeeninacaraccidentwithhisbabysitter.Marco was ne, but the babysitter, who was driving, had beentakentothehospitalinanambulance.Marianna,aprincipalatanelementaryschool,franticallyrushedtothesceneoftheaccident,whereshewastoldthatthebabysitterhadexperiencedanepilepticseizurewhiledriving.Mariannafounda re ghterunsuccessfullyattempting toconsoleher toddler.ShetookMarcoinherarms,andheimmediatelybegantocalmdownasshecomfortedhim.As soon as he stopped crying, Marco began telling Mariannawhat had happened.Using his two-year-old language,which onlyhis parents and babysitter would be able to understand, Marcocontinuallyrepeatedthephrase“Eeawoowoo.”“Eea”ishiswordfor“Sophia,” thenameofhisbelovedbabysitter,and“woowoo”referstohisversionofthesirenona retruck(orinthiscase,anambulance). By repeatedly telling his mother “Eea woo woo,”Marcowasfocusingonthedetailofthestorythatmatteredmosttohim:Sophiahadbeentakenawayfromhim.Inasituation like this,manyofuswouldbe tempted toassureMarco that Sophia would be ne, then immediately focus onsomething else to get the child’smindo the situation: “Let’s goget some ice cream!” In the days that followed, many parentswould try to avoid upsetting their child by not discussing theaccident.The problem with the “let’s go get some ice cream”

approachisthatitleavesthechildconfusedaboutwhathappenedand why. He is still full of big and scary emotions, but he isn’tallowed(orhelped)todealwiththeminaneffectiveway.Mariannadidn’tmakethatmistake.ShehadtakenTina’sclasseson parenting and the brain, and she immediately put what sheknew to good use. That night and over the next week, whenMarco’s mind continually brought him back to the car crash,Marianna helped him retell the story over and over again. She’dsay, “Yes, you and Sophiawere in an accident,weren’t you?”Atthis point, Marco would stretch out his arms and shake them,imitatingSophia’sseizure.Mariannawouldcontinue,“Yes,Sophiahadaseizureandstartedshaking,andthecarcrashed,didn’t it?”Marco’s next statement was, of course, the familiar “Eea woowoo,” towhichMariannawould respond, “That’s right. ThewoowoocameandtookSophiatothedoctor.Andnowshe’sallbetter.Rememberwhenwewent to see her yesterday? She’s doing justfine,isn’tshe?”InallowingMarco to repeatedly retell the story,Mariannawashelping him understandwhat had happened so he could begin todealwithitemotionally.Sincesheknewtheimportanceofhelpingherson’sbrainprocessthefrighteningexperience,shehelpedhimtellandretelltheeventssothathecouldprocesshisfearandgoonwith his daily routines in a healthy and balancedway. Over thenextfewdays,Marcobroughtuptheaccidentlessandless,untilitbecame just another of his life experiences—albeit an importantone.Asyoureadthefollowingpages,you’lllearnspeci csaboutwhyMarianna responded as she did, and why, both practically andneurologically,itwassohelpfultoherson.You’llbeabletoapplyyournewknowledgeaboutthebraininnumerouswaysthatmakeparentingyourownchildmoremanageableandmeaningful.The concept at the heart of Marianna’s response, and of this

book, isintegration.A clearunderstandingof integrationwill giveyou the power to completely transform theway you think aboutparentingyour kids. It canhelp you enjoy themmore andbetterpreparethemtoliveemotionallyrichandrewardinglives.

WHATISINTEGRATIONANDWHYDOESITMATTER?

Most of us don’t think about the fact that our brain has manydi erent parts with di erent jobs. For example, you have a leftside of the brain that helps you think logically and organizethoughtsintosentences,andarightsidethathelpsyouexperienceemotionsandreadnonverbalcues.Youalsohavea“reptilebrain”thatallowsyoutoactinstinctuallyandmakesplit-secondsurvivaldecisions,anda“mammalbrain”thatleadsyoutowardconnectionandrelationships.Onepartofyourbrainisdevotedtodealingwithmemory;anothertomakingmoralandethicaldecisions.It’salmostas if your brain has multiple personalities—some rational, someirrational;somere ective,somereactive.Nowonderwecanseemlikedifferentpeopleatdifferenttimes!Thekeytothrivingistohelpthesepartsworkwelltogether—tointegrate them. Integration takes the distinct parts of your brainand helps them work together as a whole. It’s similar to whathappens in the body, which has di erent organs to performdi erent jobs: the lungs breathe air, the heart pumps blood, thestomachdigestsfood.Forthebodytobehealthy,theseorgansallneedtobe integrated. Inotherwords, theyeachneedtodo theirindividualjobwhilealsoworkingtogetherasawhole.Integrationissimplythat:linkingdi erentelementstogethertomakeawell-functioning whole. Just as with the healthy functioning of thebody,yourbraincan’tperformatitsbestunlessitsdi erentpartswork together in a coordinated and balanced way. That’s what

integration does: it coordinates and balances the separate regionsof the brain that it links together. It’s easy to seewhen our kidsaren’t integrated—they become overwhelmed by their emotions,confusedandchaotic.Theycan’trespondcalmlyandcapablytothesituation at hand. Tantrums,meltdowns, aggression, andmost ofthe other challenging experiences of parenting—and life—are aresultofalossofintegration,alsoknownasdis-integration.Wewant tohelpourchildrenbecomebetter integratedso theycanuse theirwholebrain inacoordinatedway.Forexample,wewantthemtobehorizontallyintegrated,sothattheirleft-brainlogiccanworkwellwiththeirright-brainemotion.Wealsowant themtobeverticallyintegrated,sothatthephysicallyhigherpartsoftheirbrain, which let them thoughtfully consider their actions, workwellwiththelowerparts,whicharemoreconcernedwithinstinct,gutreactions,andsurvival.Theway integration actually takes place is fascinating, and it’ssomething that most people aren’t aware of. In recent years,scientists have developed brain-scanning technology that allowsresearchers to study the brain in ways that were never beforepossible. This new technology has con rmed much of what wepreviouslybelievedaboutthebrain.However,oneofthesurprisesthat has shaken the very foundations of neuroscience is thediscovery that the brain is actually “plastic,” or moldable. Thismeans that thebrainphysically changes throughout the course ofourlives,notjustinchildhood,aswehadpreviouslyassumed.What molds our brain? Experience. Even into old age, ourexperiences actually change the physical structure of the brain.Whenweundergoanexperience,ourbraincells—calledneurons—become active, or “ re.” The brain has one hundred billionneurons,eachwithanaverageoftenthousandconnectionstootherneurons. The ways in which particular circuits in the brain areactivated determines the nature of our mental activity, ranging

from perceiving sights or sounds to more abstract thought andreasoning.Whenneurons retogether,theygrownewconnectionsbetween them.Over time, the connections that result from ringleadto“rewiring”inthebrain.Thisisincrediblyexcitingnews.Itmeans thatwearen’theldcaptive for therestofour livesby thewayourbrainworksatthismoment—wecanactuallyrewireitsothat we can be healthier and happier. This is true not only forchildren and adolescents, but also for each of us across the lifespan.Right now, your child’s brain is constantly being wired andrewired, and the experiences you provide will go a long waytowarddeterminingthestructureofherbrain.Nopressure,right?Don’t worry, though. Nature has provided that the basicarchitecture of the brain will develop well given proper food,sleep,andstimulation.Genes,ofcourse,playa large role inhowpeople turnout, especially in termsof temperament.But ndingsfrom various areas in developmental psychology suggest thateverythingthathappenstous—themusicwehear, thepeoplewelove, the books we read, the kind of discipline we receive, theemotionswefeel—profoundlya ectsthewayourbraindevelops.In other words, on top of our basic brain architecture and ourinborntemperament,parentshavemuchtheycandotoprovidethekinds of experiences that will help develop a resilient, well-integrated brain. This book will show you how to use everydayexperiences to help your child’s brain become more and moreintegrated.Forexample,childrenwhoseparentstalkwiththemabouttheirexperiences tend to have better access to thememories of thoseexperiences. Parents who speak with their children about theirfeelingshavechildrenwhodevelopemotionalintelligenceandcanunderstand their own and other people’s feelingsmore fully. Shychildren whose parents nurture a sense of courage by o ering

supportiveexplorationsof theworld tendto lose theirbehavioralinhibition, while those who are excessively protected orinsensitively thrust into anxiety-provoking experiences withoutsupporttendtomaintaintheirshyness.There is awhole eld of the science of child development andattachmentbackingupthisview—andthenew ndingsinthe eldofneuroplasticitysupporttheperspectivethatparentscandirectlyshapetheunfoldinggrowthoftheirchild’sbrainaccordingtowhatexperiencestheyo er.Forexample,hoursofscreentime—playingvideo games, watching television, texting—will wire the brain incertainways.Educationalactivities,sports,andmusicwillwire itinotherways.Spendingtimewithfamilyandfriendsandlearningabout relationships, especially with face-to-face interactions, willwireitinyetotherways.Everythingthathappenstousa ectsthewaythebraindevelops.This wire-and-rewire process is what integration is all about:giving our children experiences to create connections betweendi erent parts of the brain. When these parts collaborate, theycreateandreinforcethe integrative bers that linkdi erentpartsofthebrain.Asaresult,theyareconnectedinmorepowerfulwaysandcanworktogetherevenmoreharmoniously.Justasindividualsingers in a choir canweave their distinct voices into a harmonythat would be impossible for any one person to create, anintegratedbrainiscapableofdoingmuchmorethanitsindividualpartscouldaccomplishalone.That’swhatwewanttodoforeachofourkids:helptheirbrainbecomemoreintegratedsotheycanusetheirmentalresourcestofull capacity.This is exactlywhatMariannadid forMarco.Whenshe helped him retell the story over and over again (“Eea woowoo”), she defused the scary and traumatic emotions in his rightbrainsothattheydidn’trulehim.Shedidsobybringinginfactualdetails and logic from his left brain—which, at two years old, is

justbeginningtodevelop—sothathecoulddealwiththeaccidentinawaythatmadesensetohim.If hismother hadn’t helped him tell and understand the story,Marco’s fears would have been left unresolved and could havesurfaced inotherways.Hemighthavedevelopedaphobiaaboutridingincarsorbeingseparatedfromhisparents,orhisrightbrainmight have raged out of control in other ways, causing him totantrum frequently. Instead, by telling the story with Marco,Marianna helped focus his attention both on the actual details oftheaccidentandonhisemotions,whichallowedhim touseboththeleftandrightsidesofhisbraintogether,literallystrengtheningtheirconnection.(We’llexplainthisparticularconceptmuchmorefully inchapter 2.) By helping him become better integrated, hecould return to being a normal, developing two-year-old ratherthandwellingonthefearanddistresshehadexperienced.Let’s look at another example.Now that you and your siblingsareadults,doyoustill ghtoverwhogetstopushthebuttonfortheelevator?Ofcoursenot.(Well,wehopenot.)Butdoyourkidssquabbleandbickeroverthiskindofissue?Ifthey’retypicalkids,theydo.Thereasonbehindthisdi erencebringsusbacktothebrainandintegration.Sibling rivalry is like somanyother issues thatmakeparenting di cult—tantrums, disobedience, homework battles,discipline matters, and so on. As we’ll explain in the comingchapters,theseeverydayparentingchallengesresultfromalackofintegration within your child’s brain. The reason her brain isn’talways capable of integration is simple: it hasn’t had time todevelop. In fact, it’s got a longway to go, since a person’s brainisn’tconsideredfullydevelopeduntilshereacheshermid-twenties.Sothat’sthebadnews:youhavetowaitforyourchild’sbraintodevelop. That’s right. No matter how brilliant you think yourpreschooler is, shedoesnothave thebrainofa ten-year-old,and

won’t for several years. The rate of brain maturation is largelyin uenced by the geneswe inherit. But the degree of integrationmaybeexactlywhatwecaninfluenceinourday-to-dayparenting.Thegoodnewsisthatbyusingeverydaymoments,youcanin uencehowwell your child’s brain grows toward integration. First, you candevelop the diverse elements of your child’s brain by o eringopportunities to exercise them. Second, you can facilitateintegrationsothattheseparatepartsbecomebetterconnectedandwork together in powerfulways. This isn’tmaking your childrengrowupmorequickly—it’ssimplyhelpingthemdevelopthemanyparts of themselves and integrate them. We’re also not talkingaboutwearingyourself(andyourkids)outbyfranticallytryingtolleveryexperiencewithsigni canceandmeaning.We’retalkingabout simply being present with your children so you can helpthem become better integrated. As a result, they will thriveemotionally,intellectually,andsocially.Anintegratedbrainresultsinimproveddecisionmaking,bettercontrolofbodyandemotions,fuller self-understanding, stronger relationships, and success inschool. And it all begins with the experiences parents and othercaregiversprovide,which lay thegroundwork for integrationandmentalhealth.

GETINTHEFLOW:NAVIGATINGTHEWATERSBETWEENCHAOSANDRIGIDITY

Let’s get a little more speci c about what it looks like when aperson—childoradult—is living inastateof integration.Whenapersoniswell integrated,heenjoysmentalhealthandwell-being.But that’s not exactly easy to de ne. In fact, even though entirelibrarieshavebeenwrittendiscussingmentalillness, mentalhealthis rarelyde ned.Danhaspioneeredade nitionofmentalhealth

thatresearchersandtherapistsaroundtheworldarenowbeginningto use. It’s based on the concept of integration and involves anunderstanding of the complex dynamics surrounding relationshipsand the brain. A simpleway to express it, though, is to describementalhealthasourabilitytoremainina“riverofwell-being.”Imagineapeacefulriverrunningthroughthecountryside.That’syourriverofwell-being.Wheneveryou’reinthewater,peacefullyoating along in your canoe, you feel like you’re generally in agood relationship with the world around you. You have a clearunderstandingofyourself,otherpeople,andyourlife.Youcanbeexible and adjust when situations change. You’re stable and atpeace.Sometimes,though,asyou oatalong,youveertooclosetooneoftheriver’stwobanks.Thiscausesdi erentproblems,dependingonwhich bank you approach. One bank represents chaos, whereyou feel out of control. Instead of oating in the peaceful river,youarecaughtupinthepullof tumultuousrapids,andconfusionandturmoilruletheday.Youneedtomoveawayfromthebankofchaosandgetbackintothegentleflowoftheriver.But don’t go too far, because the other bank presents its owndangers.It’sthebankofrigidity,whichistheoppositeofchaos.Asopposedtobeingoutofcontrol, rigidity iswhenyouareimposingcontrol on everything and everyone around you. You becomecompletelyunwillingtoadapt,compromise,ornegotiate.Nearthebank of rigidity, the water smells stagnant, and reeds and treebranches prevent your canoe from owing in the river of well-being.So one extreme is chaos,where there’s a total lack of control.The other extreme is rigidity, where there’s too much control,leadingtoalackof exibilityandadaptability.Weallmovebackand forth between these twobanks aswe go throughour days—especiallyaswe’retryingtosurviveparenting.Whenwe’reclosest

to thebanksof chaos or rigidity,we’re farthest frommental andemotionalhealth.The longerwecanavoideitherbank, themoretimewespendenjoyingtheriverofwell-being.Muchofourlivesas adults canbe seenasmovingalong thesepaths—sometimes intheharmonyofthe owofwell-being,butsometimesinchaos,inrigidity, or zigzaggingback and forthbetween the two.Harmonyemerges from integration. Chaos and rigidity arise whenintegrationisblocked.

Allofthisappliestoourkidsaswell.Theyhavetheirownlittle

canoes,andthey oatdowntheirownriverofwell-being.Manyofthechallengeswe faceasparents result fromthe timeswhenourkidsaren’tinthe ow,whenthey’reeithertoochaoticortoorigid.Yourthree-year-oldwon’tsharehistoyboatatthepark?Rigidity.He erupts into crying, yelling, and throwing sand when his newfriendtakestheboataway?Chaos.Whatyoucandoishelpguideyourchildbackintothe owoftheriver,intoaharmoniousstatethatavoidsbothchaosandrigidity.Thesamegoesforolderchildren.Yournormallyeasygoing fth-grader is crying hysterically because she didn’t get the solo shewanted in the school play. She refuses to calm down andrepeatedlytellsyouthatshehasthebestvoiceinhergrade.She’sactuallyzigzaggingbackandforthbetweenthebanksofchaosandrigidity,asheremotionshaveclearlytakencontrolofherlogic.Asaresult,shestubbornlyrefusestoacknowledgethatsomeoneelsemightbejustastalented.Youcanguideherbackintothe owofwell-beingsothatshecanachievebetterbalancewithinherselfandmove intoamore integrated state. (Don’tworry—we’llo eryouplentyofwaystodothis.)Virtually all survival moments t into this framework in onewayoranother.Wethinkyoumaybeastoundedtoseehowwellthe ideas of chaos and rigidity help you understand your child’smost di cult behaviors. These concepts actually allow you to“takethetemperature”ofhowwellintegratedyourchildisatanygivenmoment.Ifyouseechaosand/orrigidity,youknowshe’snotin a state of integration. Likewise, when sheis in a state ofintegration, she demonstrates the qualities we associate withsomeonewhoismentallyandemotionallyhealthy:sheis exible,adaptive, stable, and able to understand herself and the worldaround her. The powerful and practical approach of integrationenables us to see the many ways in which our children—or weourselves—experience chaos and rigidity because integration has

been blocked.Whenwe become aware of this idea,we can thencreateandcarryoutstrategiesthatpromoteintegrationinourkids’lives and in our own. These are the day-to-day whole-brainstrategieswe’llexploreineachofthefollowingchapters.

CHAPTER2

TwoBrainsAreBetterThanOneIntegratingtheLeftandtheRight

Thomas’s four-year-old daughter, Katie, loved her preschool andnevermindedsayinggoodbyetoherdadwhenitwastimeforhimto leave—until the day she got sick in class.Her teacher phonedThomas,whocametopickheruprightaway.Thenextday,Katiebegancryingwhenitwastimetogetreadyforschool,eventhoughby then she was feeling ne. The same thing happenedmorningaftermorning for thenext fewdays.Hecouldeventuallygetherdressed,butthingsonlygotworsewhentheyarrivedatschool.AsThomasputit,Katiewouldincreasingly“freakout”oncetheygotoutof their car in the schoolparking lot.First she’dbegin topractice some sort of civil disobedience as they approached theschool building. Shewouldwalk alongside her father, but as shesomehow made her tiny body heavier than a grand piano, herresistancewouldturntheirstrollintomoreofadrag.Then,whenthey reached the classroom, she would squeeze her dad’s handharderandharderandperformtheclassic“powerlean,”puttingallofherbaby-grandweightonThomas’s leg.Whenhecould nallyextricate himself from her clutches and exit the room, he wouldhearhershoutaboveallthenoiseoftheotherkids,“I’lldieifyouleaveme!”This type of separation anxiety is very normal for youngchildren. School can be a scary place at times. But as Thomasexplained, “Katie absolutely lived for school before she got sick.Shelovedtheactivities,thefriends,thestories.Andsheadoredherteacher.”

So what happened? How did the simple experience of gettingsickcreatesuchanextremeandirrational fear inKatie,andwhatwas the best way for Thomas to respond? His immediate goal:come up with a strategy to get Katie to willingly attend schoolagain.Thatwashis“survive”goal.Buthealsowantedtoturnthisdi cultexperienceintoanopportunitythatwouldbene tKatieinboththeshortandthelongterm.Thatwashis“thrive”goal.We’llcomebacktohowThomashandledthesituation,usinghisbasicknowledgeaboutthebraintoturnasurvivalmomentintoanopportunitytohelphisdaughterthrive.Speci cally,heunderstoodwhatwe’regoingtoshowyounow:somesimpleprinciplesabouthowthetwodifferentsidesofthebrainwork.

LEFTBRAIN,RIGHTBRAIN:ANINTRODUCTION

You probably know that your brain is divided into twohemispheres. Not only are these two sides of the brainanatomically separate; they also function very di erently. Somepeopleevensaythatthetwohemisphereshavetheirowndistinctpersonalities, each side with a “mind of its own.” The scienti ccommunity refers to the way the di erent sides of the brainin uence us as left-hemisphere and right-hemisphere modalities.Butforsimplicity’ssake,we’lljustgowiththecommonusageandtalkaboutyourleftbrainandyourrightbrain.Your left brain loves and desires order. It islogical, literal,linguistic(itlikeswords),andlinear(itputsthingsinasequenceororder).The leftbrainlovesthatallfourofthesewordsbeginwiththeletterL.(Italsoloveslists.)The right brain, on the other hand, is holistic and nonverbal,sendingandreceivingsignalsthatallowustocommunicate,suchasfacialexpressions,eyecontact,toneofvoice,posture,andgestures.

Instead of details and order, our right brain cares about the bigpicture—themeaningandfeelofanexperience—andspecializesinimages, emotions, andpersonalmemories.Weget a “gut feeling”or“heart-feltsense”fromourrightbrain.Somesaytherightbrainismore intuitive andemotional, andwe’ll use those terms in thefollowingpagesasahelpfulshorthandtotalkaboutwhattherightbraindoes.Butkeepinmindthattechnically,it’smoreaccuratetotalkaboutthissideofthebrainasmoredirectlyin uencedbythebodyandlowerbrainareas,whichallowittoreceiveandinterpretemotionalinformation.Itcangetcomplicated,butthebasicideaisthatwhile the leftbrain is logical, linguistic,and literal, therightbrainisemotional,nonverbal,experiential,andautobiographical—and it doesn’t care at all that these words don’t begin with thesameletter.You might think of it this way: the left brain cares about theletterofthelaw(moreofthoseL’s).Asyouknow,askidsgetoldertheygetreallygoodatusingthisleft-brainthinking:“Ididn’tshoveher!Ipushedher.”Therightbrain,ontheotherhand,caresaboutthespiritofthelaw, theemotionsandexperiencesofrelationships.Theleftfocusesonthetext—therightisaboutthecontext.Itwasthenonlogical,emotionalrightbrainthatpromptedKatietoyelltoherfather,“I’lldieifyouleaveme!”In terms of development, very young children are right-hemisphere dominant, especially during their rst three years.Theyhaven’tmasteredtheabilitytouselogicandwordstoexpresstheirfeelings,andtheylivetheirlivescompletelyinthemoment—which iswhy theywill drop everything to squat down and fullyabsorbthemselvesinwatchingaladybugcrawlalongthesidewalk,notcaringonebit that theyare late for their toddlermusicclass.Logic,responsibilities,andtimedon’texistforthemyet.Butwhenatoddlerbeginsasking“Why?”allthetime,youknowthattheleftbrain is beginning to really kick in.Why? Because our left brain

likes to know the linear cause-e ect relationships in theworld—andtoexpressthatlogicwithlanguage.

TWOHALVESMAKEAWHOLE:COMBININGTHELEFTANDTHERIGHT

In order to live balanced, meaningful, and creative lives full ofconnectedrelationships,it’scrucialthatourtwohemispheresworktogether.Theveryarchitectureof thebrain isdesigned thisway.For example, the corpus callosum is a bundle of bers that runsalongthecenterofthebrain,connectingtherighthemispherewiththeleft.Thecommunicationthattakesplacebetweenthetwosidesof our brain is conducted across these bers, allowing the twohemispherestoworkasateam—whichisexactlywhatwewantforour kids.Wewant them to becomehorizontally integrated, so thatthe two sides of their brain can act in harmony. That way, ourchildrenwillvalueboththeirlogicandtheiremotions;theywillbewellbalancedandabletounderstandthemselvesandtheworldatlarge.The brain has two sides for a reason: with each side havingspecialized functions, we can achieve more complex goals andcarry outmore intricate, sophisticated tasks. Signi cant problemsarisewhenthetwosidesofourbrainarenotintegratedandweendupcomingatourexperiencesprimarilyfromonesideortheother.Using only the right or left brain would be like trying to swimusingonlyonearm.Wemightbeabletodoit,butwouldn’twebealotmoresuccessful—andavoidgoingincircles—ifweusedbotharmstogether?It’s the same with the brain. Think about our emotions, forexample.They’reabsolutelycrucialifwearetolivemeaningfully,butwedon’twant themtocompletely ruleour lives. Ifour rightbrain took over and we ignored the logic of our left brain, wewould feel like we were drowning in images, bodily sensations,andwhatcouldfeellikeanemotional ood.Butatthesametime,wedon’twant touseonlyour left brain,divorcingour logic andlanguage from our feelings and personal experiences. Thatwouldfeellikelivinginanemotionaldesert.Thegoalistoavoidlivinginanemotional oodoranemotional

desert.Wewanttoallowournonrationalimages,autobiographicalmemories,andvitalemotionstoplaytheirimportantroles,butwealsowant to integrate themwith the parts of ourselvesthat giveourlivesorderandstructure.WhenKatiefreakedoutaboutbeingleftatpreschool,shewasworkingmostlyfromherrightbrain.Asa result, Thomas witnessed an illogical emotional ood, whereKatie’semotionalrightbrainwasn’tworkinginacoordinatedwaywithherlogicalleftbrain.Here it’s important to note that it’s not only our children’semotional oodsthatcauseproblems.Anemotionaldesert,wherefeelingsand the rightbrainare ignoredordenied, isnohealthierthanaflood.Weseethisresponsemoreofteninolderchildren.Forexample,Dan tells a storyof an exchangewith a twelve-year-oldgirl who came to see him with a scenario many of us haveexperienced:

Amandamentioned a ght she’d hadwith her best friend. Iknewfromhermotherthatthisargumenthadbeenextremelypainful for Amanda, but as she talked about it, she justshrugged and stared out thewindow, saying, “I don’t reallycare if we never talk again. She annoys me anyway.” Theexpressiononher face seemedcoldand resigned,but in thesubtle quiver of her lower lips and the gentle opening andclosingofhereyelids,almostlikeatremor,Icouldsensetheright-hemisphere nonverbal signals revealingwhatwemightcall her “real feelings.” Rejection is painful, and at thismoment, Amanda’s way of dealing with that sense ofvulnerabilitywasto“retreattotheleft,”runningtothearid(butpredictableandcontrollable)emotionaldesertoftheleftsideofherbrain.I had to help her understand that even though it waspainfultothinkaboutthecon ictwithherfriend,sheneeded

topayattentionto,andevenhonor,whatwasgoingoninherrightbrain,sincetherightbrainismoredirectlyconnectedtoour bodily sensations and the input from lower parts of thebrain that combine together to create our emotions. In thisway, all of the imagery, sensations, and autobiographicalmemories from the right are infused with emotion. Whenwe’re upset, it can feel safer to withdraw from thisunpredictableright-sidedawarenessandretreatintothemorepredictableandcontrolledlogicallandoftheleft.ThekeytohelpingAmandawas formetoattunetothosereal feelingsgently. I didn’tpointout abruptly that shewashiding,even fromherself, how this important person in herlifehadhurther. Instead, Iallowedmyself to feelwhat shewasfeeling,thentriedtocommunicatefrommyrightbraintoherrightbrain.Usingmyfacialexpressionsandposture,Ilether know that I was really tuning in to her emotions. Thatattunementhelpedher“feelfelt”—toknowthatshewasnotalone, that I was interested in what she was feeling inside,notonlywhat shewasdoingon theoutside.Then,oncewehad established this sense of connection between us, wordscamemorenaturallyforbothofus,andwecouldbegintogettothebottomofwhatwasgoingoninsideofher.Byaskingher to tell thestoryabout the ghtwithherbest friendandhavingherpausethestoryatdi erenttimestoobservesubtleshiftsinherfeelings,IwasabletoreintroduceAmandatoherrealemotionsandtohelpherdealwiththeminaproductiveway.ThisishowItriedtoconnectwithbothherrightbrainwith its feelings,bodilysensations,and imagesandwithherleftbrain,withitswordsandabilitytotellthelinearstoryofherexperience.Whenweseehowthishappens inthebrain,we can understand how linking the two sides to each othercancompletelychangetheoutcomeofaninteraction.

Wedon’twantourchildrentohurt.Butwealsowantthemtodomore thansimplyget throughtheirdi cult times;wewant themto face their troubles and grow from them. When Amandaretreated to the left, hiding fromall of thepainful emotions thatwererunningthroughherrightbrain,shedeniedanimportantpartofherselfthatsheneededtoacknowledge.Denial of our emotions isn’t the only dangerwe facewhenwerelytooheavilyonourleftbrain.Wecanalsobecometooliteral,leaving us without a sense of perspective, where we miss themeaning thatcomes fromputting things incontext (a specialtyoftherightbrain).Thisispartofwhatcausesyoureight-year-oldtobecomedefensiveandangrysometimeswhenyouinnocentlyjokearound with her. Remember that the right brain is in charge ofreadingnonverbalcues.Soespeciallyifsheistiredormoody,shemight focus only on your words and miss your playful tone ofvoiceandthewinkthatwentwithit.Tina recently witnessed a funny example of what can happenwhentheliteralleftbraintakesovertoomuch.Whenheryoungestson turned one, she ordered his cake from a local grocery store.She requested a “cupcake cake,” which is a group of cupcakesfrosted to look likeonebigcake.Whensheplacedtheorder, sheasked the decorator to write her son’s name—J.P.—on thecupcakes.Unfortunately,when shepickedup the cakebefore theparty,sheimmediatelynoticedaproblemthatdemonstrateswhatcanhappenwhenapersonbecomestooleft-brainliteral.

WhenTinatoldthebakershewantedthecaketosayJ.P.onthecupcakes,aliteral,left-braininterpretationwasnotwhatsheexpected.

Thegoal,then,istohelpourkidslearntousebothsidesofthebrain together—to integrate the left and right hemispheres.Remembertheriverofwell-beingdiscussedearlier,withchaosasone bank and rigidity as the other.We de nedmental health asremainingintheharmonious owbetweenthesetwoextremes.Byhelping our kids connect left and right, we give them a betterchanceofavoidingthebanksofchaosandrigidity,andoflivingintheflexiblecurrentofmentalhealthandhappiness.Integrating the left brainwith the right helps to keep childrenfrom oating too close to one bank or the other.When the rawemotionsintheirrightbrainarenotcombinedwiththelogicoftheleft,theywillbelikeKatie, oatingtooclosetothebankofchaos.That means we need to help them bring in the left brain to get

some perspective and handle their emotions in a positive way.Likewise, if they’re denying their emotions and retreating to theleft,asAmandawasdoing,they’rehuggingthebankofrigidity.Inthatcase,weneedtohelpthembringinmoreoftherightbrainsotheycanbeopentonewinputandexperiences.So how do we promote horizontal integration in our child’sbrain? Here are two strategies you can use right away when“integration opportunities” arise in your family. By using thesetechniques,you’llbetakingimmediatestepstowardintegratingtheleftandrighthemispheresofyourchild’sbrain.

WhatYouCanDo:HelpingYourChildWorkfromBothSidesoftheBrain

Whole-BrainStrategy#1:ConnectandRedirect:SurfingEmotionalWaves

OnenightTina’sseven-year-oldsonreappearedinthelivingroomshortlyaftergoingtobed,explainingthathecouldn’tsleep.Hewasclearlyupset andexplained, “I’mmad that younever leavemeanoteinthemiddleofthenight!”Surprisedatthisunusualoutburst,Tinareplied,“Ididn’tknowyouwantedmeto.”Hisresponsewastounleashawhole litanyof rapid- recomplaints: “Youneverdoanythingnice forme, and I’mmadbecausemybirthday isn’t fortenmoremonths,andIhatehomework!”Logical? No. Familiar? Yes. All parents experience times whentheirchildrensaythingsandgetupsetaboutissuesthatdon’tseemtomakesense.Anencounterlikethiscanbefrustrating,especiallywhenyouexpectyourchildtobeoldenoughtoactrationallyandhold a logical conversation. All of a sudden, though, he becomesupsetabout something ridiculous,and it seems thatabsolutelynoamountofreasoningonyourpartwillhelp.

Basedonourknowledgeofthetwosidesofthebrain,weknowthatTina’ssonwasexperiencingbigwavesofright-brainemotionswithoutmuchleft-brainlogicalbalance.Atamomentlikethis,oneoftheleasteffectivethingsTinacoulddowouldbetojumprightinand defend herself (“Ofcourse I do nice things for you!”) or toarguewithhersonabouthisfaultylogic(“There’snothingIcandoaboutmaking your birthday come sooner. As for the homework,that’s just something that you’ve got to do”). This type of left-brain, logical responsewould hit an unreceptive right-brain brickwallandcreateagulfbetweenthem.Afterall,hislogicalleftbrainwasnowheretobefoundatthatmoment.So,hadTinarespondedwith her left, her sonwould have felt like she didn’t understandhimorcareabouthisfeelings.Hewasinaright-brain,nonrational,emotional ood,andaleft-brainresponsewouldhavebeenalose-loseapproach.Eventhoughitwaspracticallyautomatic(andverytempting)toaskhim“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”ortotellhimtogobacktobed immediately, Tina stopped herself. Instead she used theconnect-and-redirect technique. She pulled him close, rubbed hisback,andwithanurturingtoneofvoice,said,“Sometimesit’sjustreally hard, isn’t it? I would never forget about you. You arealways inmymind, and I alwayswant you to knowhow specialyouaretome.”Sheheldhimwhileheexplainedthathesometimesfeelsthathisyoungerbrothergetsmoreofherattention,andthathomeworktakestoomuchofhisfreetime.Ashespoke,shecouldfeel him relax and soften.He felt heard and cared for. Then shebrie y addressed the speci c issues he had brought up, since hewasnowmorereceptivetoproblemsolvingandplanning,andtheyagreedtotalkmoreinthemorning.In a moment like this, parents wonder whether their child isreallyinneedorjusttryingtostallbedtime.Whole-brainparentingdoesn’t mean letting yourself be manipulated or reinforcing bad

behavior.Onthecontrary,byunderstandinghowyourchild’sbrainworks, you can create cooperationmuchmore quickly and oftenwith far less drama. In this case, because Tina understood whatwashappening inher son’sbrain, shesawthat themoste ectiveresponsewas to connectwithhis rightbrain. She listened tohimandcomfortedhim,usingherownrightbrain,andinlessthan veminuteshewasbackinbed.If,ontheotherhand,shehadplayedtheheavyandcomedownhardonhimforgettingoutofbed,usingleft-brain logic and the letter of the law, they would have bothbecome increasingly upset—and it would have been a lot morethanfiveminutesbeforehecalmeddownenoughtosleep.More important, Tina’s was a more caring and nurturingresponse. Even though her son’s issues seemed silly and perhapsillogical toher,hegenuinely felt that thingsweren’t fairandthathehad legitimatecomplaints.Byconnectingwithhim,rightbraintorightbrain,shewasabletocommunicatethatshewastunedint ohow he was feeling. Even if he was stalling, this right-brainresponsewasthemoste ectiveapproach,sinceitlethernotonlymeet his need for connection, but also redirect him to bedmorequickly.Insteadof ghtingagainstthehugewavesofhisemotionalflood,Tinasurfedthembyrespondingtohisrightbrain.This storypointsoutan important insight:whenachild isupset,logic often won’t work until we have responded to the right brain’semotional needs.We call this emotional connection “attunement,”which is howwe connect deeply with another person and allowthem to “feel felt.”When parent and child are tuned in to eachother,theyexperienceasenseofjoiningtogether.Tina’sapproachwithhersonisonethatwecallthe“connectandredirect” method, and it begins with helping our kids “feel felt”beforewetrytosolveproblemsoraddressthesituationlogically.Here’showitworks:

Step1:ConnectwiththeRight

In our society,we’re trained towork things out using ourwordsand our logic. But when your four-year-old is absolutely furiousbecausehecan’twalkontheceilinglikeSpider-Man(asTina’ssononce was), that’s probably not the best time to give him anintroductory lesson in the laws of physics.Orwhen your eleven-year-oldisfeelinghurtbecauseitseemsthathissisterisreceivingpreferential treatment (as Dan’s son felt on occasion), theappropriateresponseisn’ttogetoutascorecardshowingthatyoureprimandeachofyourchildreninequalmeasure.Instead,we can use these opportunities to realize that at thesemoments,logicisn’tourprimaryvehicleforbringingsomesortofsanitytotheconversation.(Seemscounterintuitive,doesn’tit?)It’salso crucial to keep inmind that nomatter how nonsensical andfrustrating our child’s feelingsmay seem to us, they are real andimportanttoourchild.It’svitalthatwetreatthemassuchinourresponse.During Tina’s conversation with her son, she appealed to hisrightbrainbyacknowledginghisfeelings.Shealsousednonverbalsignals like physical touch, empathetic facial expressions, anurturing tone of voice, and nonjudgmental listening. In otherwords,sheusedherrightbraintoconnectandcommunicatewithhisrightbrain.Thisright-to-rightattunementhelpedbringhisbrainintobalance,orintoamoreintegratedstate.Thenshecouldbegintoappeal toherson’s leftbrainandaddress thespeci c issueshehadraised.Inotherwords,thenitwastimeforstep2,whichhelpstointegratetheleftandtheright.

Step2:RedirectwiththeLeft

Afterrespondingwith theright,Tinacould thenredirectwith the

left. She could redirect him by logically explaining howhard sheworkstobefair,bypromisingtoleaveanotewhileheslept,andbystrategizingwithhimabouthisnextbirthdayandabouthowtomakehomeworkmorefun.(Theydidsomeofthis thatnight,butmostofitcamethefollowingday.)Once she had connectedwith him right brain to right brain, itwasmucheasiertoconnectlefttoleftanddealwiththeissuesinarationalmanner.By rstconnectingwithhisrightbrain,shecouldthenredirect with the left brain through logical explanation andplanning, which required that his left hemisphere join theconversation. This approach allowedhim to use both sides of hisbraininanintegrated,coordinatedway.We’renotsayingthat“connectandredirect”willalwaysdothetrick. After all, there are times when a child is simply past thepointofnoreturnandtheemotionalwavesjustneedtocrashuntilthestormpasses.Orthechildmaysimplyneedtoeatorgetsomesleep.LikeTina,youmightdecidetowaituntilyourchild is inamoreintegratedstateofmindtotalklogicallywithhimabouthisfeelingsandbehaviors.We’re also not recommending permissiveness or letting yourboundaries slide simply because a child isn’t thinking logically.Rules about respect and behavior aren’t thrown out the windowsimply because a child’s left hemisphere is disengaged. Forexample,whateverbehaviorisinappropriateinyourfamily—beingdisrespectful, hurting someone, throwing things—should remaino -limitseveninmomentsofhighemotion.Youmayneedtostopdestructive behavior and remove your child from the situationbeforeyoubegintoconnectandredirect.Butwiththewhole-brainapproach,weunderstandthat it’sgenerallyagoodideatodiscussmisbehavioranditsconsequencesafterthechildhascalmeddown,since moments of emotional ooding are not the best times forlessonstobelearned.Achildcanbemuchmorereceptiveoncethe

left brain isworking again, and discipline can therefore bemuchmoree ective. It’sas ifyouarea lifeguardwho swimsout,putsyourarmsaroundyourchild,andhelpshimtoshorebefore tellinghimnottoswimoutsofarnexttime.

Thekeyhereisthatwhenyourchildisdrowninginaright-brainemotional ood,you’lldoyourself (andyourchild)abig favor ifyou connect before you redirect. This approach can be a lifepreserverthathelpskeepyourchild’sheadabovewater,andkeepsyoufrombeingpulledunderalongwithhim.

Whole-BrainStrategy#2:NameIttoTameIt:TellingStoriestoCalmBigEmotions

A toddler falls and scrapes an elbow. A kindergartner loses abeloved pet. A fth-grader faces a bully at school.When a childexperiences painful, disappointing, or scary moments, it can beoverwhelming, with big emotions and bodily sensations oodingthe right brain.When this happens,we as parents canhelp bringthe lefthemisphere intothepicturesothat thechildcanbegintounderstandwhat’shappening.Oneofthebestwaystopromotethistypeof integration is tohelpretell thestoryof the frighteningorpainfulexperience.Bella, for instance, was nine years old when the toiletover owedwhenshe ushed,andtheexperienceofwatching thewater rise and pour onto the oor left her unwilling (andpractically unable) to ush the toilet afterward. When Bella’sfather,Doug,learnedaboutthe“nameittotameit”technique,hesat downwith his daughter and retold the story of the time thetoilet over owed.Heallowedher to tell asmuchof the storyasshe could andhelped to ll in thedetails, including the lingeringfear she had felt about ushing since that experience. Afterretelling the story several times, Bella’s fears lessened andeventuallywentaway.Whywasretellingthestorysoe ective?Essentially,whatDougdidwastohelphisdaughterbringherleftbrainandherrightbrain

togethersoshecouldmakesenseofwhathadhappened.Whenshetalked through themoment thewater had started spilling on theoorandhowshe’d feltworriedandafraid,her twohemisphereswereworkingtogetherinanintegratedway.Sheengagedherleftbrainbyputtingthedetailsinorderandtheexperienceintowords,andthenbroughtinherrightbrainbyrevisitingtheemotionsshefelt. In this way, Doug helped his daughtername her fears andemotionssothatshecouldthentamethem.Theremaybetimeswhenourkidswon’twant to tell thestorywhenweaskthemto.Weneedtorespecttheirdesiresabouthowandwhentotalk—especiallybecausepressuringthemtosharewillonlyback re.(Thinkaboutthetimesyouprefersolitudeanddon’tfeel liketalking—doesproddingeverenticeyoutotalkandshareyour inner feelings?) Instead, we can gently encourage them bybeginning the story and asking them to ll in the details, and ifthey’renotinterested,wecangivethemspaceandtalklater.Your child is more likely to be responsive if you are strategicaboutwhenyou initiate this typeofconversation.Makesureyouare both in a good frame of mind. Seasoned parents and childtherapists will also tell you that some of the best conversationswith children take place while something else is happening.Children are much more apt to share and talk while buildingsomething, playing cards, or riding in the car than when you sitdown and look them right in the face and ask them to open up.Another approach you can take if your child doesn’t feel liketalkingistoaskhertodrawapictureoftheeventor,ifshe’soldenough,writeaboutit.Ifyousensethatsheisreluctanttotalktoyou, encourage her to talk to someone else—a friend, anotheradult,orevenasiblingwhowillbeagoodlistener.Parentsknowhowpowerfulstorytellingcanbewhenitcomestodistractingtheirkidsorcalmingthemdown,butmostpeopledon’trealizethesciencebehindthispowerfulforce.Therightsideofour

brainprocessesour emotions andautobiographicalmemories, butour left side is what makes sense of these feelings andrecollections.Healingfromadi cultexperienceemergeswhentheleftsideworkswiththerighttotellourlifestories.Whenchildrenlearn to pay attention to and share their own stories, they canrespondinhealthyways toeverything fromascrapedelbowtoamajorlossortrauma.What kids often need, especially when they experience strongemotions, is to have someone help them use their left brain tomakesenseofwhat’sgoingon—toputthingsinorderandtonamethesebigandscaryright-brainfeelingssotheycandealwiththeme ectively. This is what storytelling does: it allows us tounderstand ourselves and our world by using both our left andright hemispheres together. To tell a story thatmakes sense, theleftbrainmustputthingsinorder,usingwordsandlogic.Therightbraincontributesthebodilysensations,rawemotions,andpersonalmemories, sowecansee thewholepictureandcommunicateourexperience.Thisisthescienti cexplanationbehindwhyjournalingandtalkingaboutadi culteventcanbesopowerfulinhelpingusheal.Infact,researchshowsthatmerelyassigninganameorlabeltowhatwefeelliterallycalmsdowntheactivityoftheemotionalcircuitryintherighthemisphere.For this same reason, it’s important for kids of all ages to telltheirstories,asithelpsthemtrytounderstandtheiremotionsandthe events that occur in their lives. Sometimes parents avoidtalking about upsetting experiences, thinking that doing so willreinforce their children’s pain or make things worse. Actually,tellingthestoryisoftenexactlywhatchildrenneed,bothtomakesenseoftheeventandtomoveontoaplacewheretheycanfeelbetter aboutwhat happened. (RememberMarianna’s son,Marco,from the “Eea woo woo” story in chapter 1?) The drive tounderstandwhythingshappentousissostrongthatthebrainwill

continuetotrymakingsenseofanexperienceuntilitsucceeds.Asparents,wecanhelpthisprocessalongthroughstorytelling.That’s what Thomas did with Katie, the preschooler who wasscreamingaboutdyingifherfatherleftheratschool.Eventhoughhefeltfrustratedwiththesituation,heresistedtheurgetodismissanddenyKatie’sexperiences.Becauseofwhathehad learned,herecognized that his daughter’s brain was linking several eventstogether: being dropped o at school, getting sick, having herfatherleave,andfeelingafraid.Asaresult,whenitcametimetopackupandgo to school, herbrain andbody started tellingher,“Badidea:school=feelingsick=Dadgone=afraid.”Fromthatperspective,itmadesensethatshedidn’twanttogotoschool.Realizingthis,Thomasusedhisknowledgeaboutthebrain’stwohemispheres.Heknew that small children likeKatieare typicallyright-hemisphere dominant and haven’t mastered their ability touse logic and words to express feelings. Katie felt the strongemotions, but she wasn’t able to understand and communicatethemclearly.Asaresult,theyhadbecomeoverpowering.Healsoknew that autobiographicalmemory is stored in the right side ofthe brain, andunderstood that the details of her getting sick hadbecomelinkedinhermemoryandcausedherrighthemispheretoshiftintooverdrive.Once Thomas grasped all of this, he knew he needed to helpKatiemakesenseofthoseemotionsbyusingherlefthemisphere—by bringing in logic, putting the events in order, and assigningwordstoherfeelings.Thewayhedidthiswasbyhelpinghertellastoryaboutwhathadhappenedthatdaysothatshecouldusebothsides of her brain together. He told her, “I know you’ve beenhavingahardtimegoingtoschoolsinceyougotsick.Let’strytoremember thedayyou felt sickat school.First,wegot ready forschool,didn’twe?Remember,youwantedtowearyourredpants,wehadwa eswithblueberries,andthenyoubrushedyourteeth?

Wegottoschoolandwehuggedandsaidgoodbye.YoustartedtopaintattheactivitytableandIwavedbyetoyou.AndthenwhathappenedafterIleft?”Katierespondedthatshegotsick.Thomascontinued,“Right.AndI know that didn’t feel good, did it? But thenMs. LaRussa tookreallygoodcareofyouandknewyouneededDaddy,soshecalledmeandIcamerightaway.Aren’tyouluckytohaveateacherthattook care of you until Daddy could come? And then whathappened? I took care of you and you felt better.” Thomas thenemphasizedthathecamerightawayandthateverythingwasOK,andhe assuredKatie that hewould always be there anytime sheneededhim.By putting these narrative details in order like this, Thomasallowed his daughter to begin to make sense of what she wasexperiencingwithheremotionsandinherbody.Hethenbegantohelphercreatesomenewassociationsthatschoolissafeandfun,remindingherofvariousaspectsofherschoolthatsheloved.Theywrote and illustrated a book together that told the story andfeatured her favorite places in her classroom. As kids oftenwill,Katiewantedtoreadherhomemadebookoverandover.Beforelong,sheregainedherloveofschool,andtheexperiencedidn’thavesuchpoweroverheranymore.Infact,shelearnedthatshecouldovercomefearwiththesupportof thepeoplewholoveher. As Katie grows, her father will continue to help her makesense of her experiences; this storytelling process will become anaturalway for her to dealwith di cult situations, giving her apowerful tool for dealing with adversity into adulthood andthroughoutherlife.Even children much younger than Katie—as young as ten totwelve months—respond well to telling stories. For example,imagine a toddler who’s fallen down and skinned her knee. Herright brain, which is completely in the present moment and in

touch with her body and fear, feels pain. On some level, sheworriesthatthepainmaynevergoaway.Whenthemotherretellsthestoryofthefall,puttingwordsandordertotheexperience,shehelps her daughter engage and develop her left brain, explainingwhathappened—shesimplyfelldown—sothatshecanunderstandwhyshe’shurting.Don’t underestimate the power of a story to hold a child’sattention. Try this if you have a little one—you’ll be amazed athowhelpful it can be, and how eager he’ll be to help tell futurestorieswhenhe’sbeenhurtorfeelsafraid.This“nameittotameit”techniqueisjustaspowerfulwitholderkids.Onemotherweknow,Laura,useditwithherson,Jack,whohadbeeninaminor(butstillscary)bikingaccidentwhenhewasten and felt nervous anytime he thought about going out on abicycle.Here’showshehelpedhimtellthestorysothathecouldbegintounderstandwhatwasgoingoninside.

LAURA: Doyourememberwhathappenedwhenyoufell?

JACK:Iwaslookingatyouwhenwewerecrossingthestreet.AndIdidn’tseethegrateofthesewer.

LAURA: Andwhathappenednext?

JACK: Mywheelgotcaughtandthebikefelloveronme.

LAURA: Andthatwasfrightening,wasn’tit?

JACK:Yeah,Ididn’tknowwhattodo…Ijustwentdowninthestreet,andIcouldn’tevenseewhatwashappening.

LAURA:Thatmusthavebeenscary,tohavesomethinghappenoutofnowhere.Doyourememberwhathappenednext?

Laura went on to help Jack recount the whole experience.Together theydiscussedhow, in theend, theordealwas resolvedbysometears,comforting,Band-Aids,andbikerepairs.Thentheytalked about watching out for sewer grates and being aware ofoncomingtra c,whichhelpedJackfreehimselffromsomeofthe

feelingsofhelplessness.The details of a conversation like this will obviously changealongwiththesituation.ButnoticehowLauradrewthestoryoutof her son, letting him take an active role in the storytellingprocess.Sheactedprimarilyasafacilitator,helpinggetthefactsofthe event straight. This is how stories empower us to moveforward and master the moments when we feel out of control.Whenwecangivewordstoourfrighteningandpainfulexperiences—whenwe literallycome to termswith them—theyoftenbecomemuchlessfrighteningandpainful.Whenwehelpourchildrennametheirpainandtheirfears,wehelpthemtamethem.

Whole-BrainKids:TeachYourKidsAbouttheTwoSidesoftheBrain

Inthischapter,wegaveyouseveralexamplesofhowtohelpyourkids integrate their left and right brain. It can also be helpful totalk to your children, and explain to them somebasics about theinformation we’ve just covered. To help you along, here’ssomethingyoucanreadwithyourkids.We’vewrittenitwith ve-to-nine-year-olds inmind, but you shouldmake it your own andadaptittofittheageanddevelopmentalstageofeachchild.

Integrating Ourselves: Connecting Our Left and RightBrain

Nowthatyouknowmoreabouttheleftandrightsidesofthe

brain, think about your own integration. When it comes toparenting, are you too right-brain dominant? Do youfrequently get swept up in emotional oods, leaving yourchildren drenchedwith your own chaos and fear?Ormaybeyour tendency is to live in a left-brain emotional desert, soyouare rigid inyour reactionsandhaveahard timereadingandrespondingtoyourchildren’semotionsandneeds?Here are thewords of amomweknowwho realized thatshewas primarily interactingwith her young son using onlyonesideofherownbrain:

Iwasbroughtupinamilitaryfamily.Needlesstosay,Iam not very touchy-feely! I’m a veterinarian and atrained problem solver, which doesn’t help me in theempathydepartment.Whenmysonwouldcryorbecomeupset,Iwouldtrytogethimtosettledownso Icouldhelphimsolve theproblem. This was not helpful and sometimesexacerbated thecrying, so Iwouldwalkawayandwaituntilhecalmeddown.Recently, I learned about trying to connectemotionally rst—right brain to right brain,whichwastotally foreign to me. Now I hold my son, listen, andeven tryandhelphim tellhis story,usingboth the leftand right brain together. Then we talk about thebehaviororsolvetheproblem.NowItrytoremembertoconnectfirstandsolvesecond.It took some practice, but when I related tomy sonemotionally rst, using my right brain, along with my

left, insteadofusingonlymy left,everythingelsewentmoresmoothlyandourrelationshipingeneralimprovedaswell.

Thismotherrealizedthatbyignoringpartsofherownrightbrain, she was missing out on important opportunities toconnectwithher sonand to enhance thedevelopmentofhisrightbrain.Oneofthebestwaystopromoteintegrationinourchildrenis to become better integrated ourselves. (We’ll discuss thismore fully inchapter 6 when we explain mirror neurons.)When right and left brain are integrated, we can approachparentingfrombothagrounded,left-brained,rationalplace—onethatletsusmakeimportantdecisions,solveproblems,andenforce boundaries—and from a right-brained, emotionallyconnected place where we’re aware of the feelings andsensations of our body and emotions, so we can lovinglyrespondtoourchildren’sneeds.Thenwe’llbeparentingwithourwholebrain.

CHAPTER3

BuildingtheStaircaseoftheMindIntegratingtheUpstairsandDownstairsBrain

OneafternoonJillheardyellingandcommotioninthebedroomofher six-year-old, Grant. Four-year-old Gracie had found herbrother’s treasure box and taken his “most rarest crystal,” whichshe then lost. Jill arrived just in time to hear Gracie say, in hermostspitefulvoice,“It’sjustadumbrockandI’mgladIlostit!”Jilllookedatheryoungson, stsclenchedandfaceturningred.You’veprobablyexperiencedjustsuchamoment,whereasituationwith your child is delicately balanced and is about to turn ugly.Thingscouldstillbesalvagedandtip towardagoodandpeacefulresolution.Ortheycouldtiltintheotherdirection,devolvingintochaos,anarchy,evenviolence.And italldependsonyour littledarlingcontrollingan impulse.Calmingsomebigfeelings.Makingagooddecision.Yikes.In this case, Jill immediately saw signs of what was coming:Grant was losing control and wasnot going to make a gooddecision.Shesawthefuryinhiseyesandheardthebeginningsofabarbaricgrowlbegintoemergefromhisthroat.Shematchedhim,stepforstep,asheracedacrossthefewfeetbetweenhimselfandhis sister. Fortunately, Jill was quicker and intercepted GrantbeforehereachedGracie.Shepickedhimupandheldhimcloseashispunchesandkicks ailedwildlyintheair,Grantscreamingallthe while. When he nally stopped ghting, Jill set him down.Throughhistearshelookedathissister,whoactuallyadoredandidolized him, and calmly uttered the phrase, “You’re the worst

sisterintheworld.”As Jill told Dan this story, she explained that this last verbaltorpedo had hit its mark and produced the dramatic tears fromGracie thatGrant had hoped for. Still, Jillwas glad that she hadbeenthere,orhersonlikelywouldhavecausedphysical,notjustemotional,pain.ThequestionsheaskedDanisonethatparentsaskusfrequently:Ican’tbewithmykidseverysecondoftheday.HowdoIteachthemtodotherightthingandcontrolthemselvesevenwhenI’mnotaround?One of the most important skills we can teach our kids is tomakegooddecisionsinhigh-emotionsituationsliketheoneGrantfaced here. We want them to pause before acting, to considerconsequences,tothinkaboutthefeelingsofothers,tomakeethicalandmoraljudgments.Sometimestheycomethroughwiththekindofbehaviorthatmakesusproud.Andsometimestheydon’t.Whatis it thatmakesourkidschoosetheiractionssowiselyincertainmomentsandsopoorlyinothers?Whydocertainsituationsleave us patting our children on the back, and others leave usthrowing our hands in the air?Well, there are some pretty goodreasonsbasedonwhat’sgoingoninthehigherandlowerpartsofachild’sbrain.

THEMENTALSTAIRCASE:INTEGRATINGTHEUPSTAIRSANDDOWNSTAIRSBRAIN

We can talk about the brain in many ways. Inchapter 2, wefocused on its two hemispheres, the left and the right. Now wewanttolookatitfromtoptobottom,oractuallyfrombottomtotop.Imagine thatyourbrain isahouse,withbothadownstairsandanupstairs.Thedownstairsbrain includes thebrain stemand thelimbic region, which are located in the lower parts of the brain,

from the top of your neck to about the bridge of your nose.Scientists talk about these lower areas as being more primitivebecausetheyareresponsibleforbasicfunctions(likebreathingandblinking), for innatereactionsandimpulses(like ghtand ight),and for strong emotions (like anger and fear). Whenever youinstinctually inchbecause a Little League foul ball ies into thestands, your downstairs brain is doing its job. The same goes forwhenyour facegoes redwith furybecause,after twentyminutesofconvincingyourkindergartnerthatthedentist’so cewon’tbescary,thedentalassistantenterstheroomandannouncesinfrontof your daughter, “We’ll need to give her a shot to numb her.”Youranger—alongwithotherstrongemotionsandbodilyfunctionsandinstincts—springsfromyourdownstairsbrain.It’slikethe rstoorofahouse,wheresomanyofafamily’sbasicneedsaremet.There you’ll almost always nd a kitchen, a dining room, abathroom,andsoon.Basicnecessitiesgettakencareofdownstairs.

Yourupstairs brain is completelydi erent. It’smadeupof thecerebralcortexanditsvariousparts—particularlytheonesdirectlybehindyourforehead,includingwhat’scalledthemiddleprefrontalcortex.Unlikeyourmorebasicdownstairsbrain,theupstairsbrainis more evolved and can give you a fuller perspective on yourworld.Youmightimagineitasalight- lledsecond-storystudyorlibrary fullofwindowsandskylights thatallowyoutosee thingsmore clearly. This iswheremore intricatemental processes takeplace, like thinking, imagining, and planning. Whereas thedownstairs brain is primitive, the upstairs brain is highlysophisticated, controlling some of your most important higher-order and analytical thinking. Because of its sophistication and

complexity, it is responsible for producing many of thecharacteristicswehopetoseeinourkids:

SounddecisionmakingandplanningControloveremotionsandbodySelf-understandingEmpathyMorality

A child whose upstairs brain is properly functioning willdemonstrate some of the most important characteristics of amature and healthy human being. We’re not saying she’ll besuperhumanorneverdisplaychildishbehavior.Butwhenachild’supstairs brain is working well, she can regulate her emotions,consider consequences, think before acting, and consider howothers feel—allofwhichwillhelpher thrive indi erentareasofherlife,aswellashelpherfamilysurviveday-to-daydifficulties.As you might expect, a person’s brain works best when theupstairs and downstairs are integrated with each other. So aparent’s goal should be to help build and reinforce themetaphorical stairway that connects the child’s upper and lowerbrainsothatthetwocanworkasateam.Whenafullyfunctioningstaircase is in place, the upper and lower parts of the brain arevertically integrated. Thatmeans that the upstairs canmonitor theactions of the downstairs and help calm the strong reactions,impulses, and emotions that originate there. But verticalintegrationworks in theotherdirection, too,with thedownstairsbrain and the body (the house’s foundation) making important“bottom-up” contributions. After all, we don’t want signi cantupstairsdecisionsbeingmadeinsomesortofvacuumthat’sdevoidofinputfromouremotions,ourinstincts,andourbodies.Instead,we need to consider our emotional and physical feelings—which

originate downstairs—before using the upstairs to decide on acourse of action. Once again, then, integration allows for a freeow between the lower and higher parts of our brain. It helpsbuild thestairway, so thatall thedi erentpartsofourbraincanbecoordinatedandworktogetherasawhole.

THEUNFINISHEDUPSTAIRS:SETTINGAPPROPRIATEEXPECTATIONSFORYOURKIDS

Eventhoughwewillwanttohelpbuildthismetaphoricalstaircasein our child’s brain, there are two important reasons tomaintainrealistic expectations when it comes to integration. The rst isdevelopmental:whilethedownstairsbrainiswelldevelopedevenatbirth,theupstairsbrainisn’tfullymatureuntilapersonreacheshismid-twenties. In fact, it’s oneof the lastpartsof thebrain todevelop.Theupstairsbrainremainsundermassiveconstructionforthe rstfewyearsoflife,thenduringtheteenyearsundergoesanextensiveremodelthatlastsintoadulthood.Justimaginethedownstairsofahousethatiscompleteandfullyfurnished,butwhenyoulookupatthesecond oor,youseethatitisun nishedandlitteredwithconstructiontools.Youcanevenseepatchesoftheskywheretheroofhasn’tbeencompletedyet.That’syourchild’supstairsbrain—aworkinprogress.This is really important information for parents to understand,because it means that all of the abilities on the list above—thebehaviorsandskillswewantandexpectourkids todemonstrate,like sounddecisionmaking, controlof theiremotionsandbodies,empathy, self-understanding, and morality—are dependent on apar tof their brain that hasn’t fully developed yet. Since theupstairs brain is still under construction, it isn’t capable of fullyfunctioning all the time,meaning that it can’t be integratedwiththedownstairsbrainandconsistentlyworkatitsbest.Asaresult,

kidsarepronetogetting“trappeddownstairs,”withouttheuseoftheir upstairs brain, which results in them ying o the handle,makingpoordecisions,andshowingagenerallackofempathyandself-understanding.Sothat’sthe rstreasonkidsoftenaren’tverygoodatusingthehigherandlowerpartsofthebraintogether:theirupstairsbrainisstill developing. The other main reason has to do with oneparticularpartofthedownstairsbrain,theamygdala.

THEBABYGATEOFTHEMIND:MYAMYGDALAMADEMEDOIT

Our amygdala (pronounceduh-MIG-duh-luh) is about the size andshapeofanalmondandispartofthelimbicarea,whichresidesinthedownstairsbrain.Theamygdala’sjobistoquicklyprocessandexpressemotions,especiallyangerandfear.Thislittlemassofgraymatter is the watchdog of the brain, remaining always alert fortimeswemight be threatened.When it does sensedanger, it cancompletely take over, or hijack, the upstairs brain. That’s whatallows us toact before wethink. It’s the part of the brain thatinstructs your arm to stretch out to protect your passengerwhenyou’redrivingandhavetostopshort.It’sthepartofthebrainthatencouragesyou to scream“Stop!”aswas the casewhenDanwashikingwithhisyoungson,evenbeforehewasconsciouslyawarethattherewasarattlesnakeafewfeetupthetrail.Ofcourse,therearede nitelytimeswhenit’sgoodtoactbeforethinking. In this situation, the last thingDanneededwas tohavehisupstairsbraingothroughaseriesofhigher-ordermaneuversorperform some sort of cost-bene t analysis:Ohno!There’s a snakeupaheadofmyson.Nowwouldbeagoodtimetowarnhim.IwishIhadwarnedhimacoupleofsecondsago,ratherthangoingthroughthisseriesofcogitationsthatledmetothedecisiontowarnhim.Instead,he

needed his downstairs brain—in this case, his amygdala—to takeoveranddoexactlywhatitdid:causehimtocalloutevenbeforeheconsciouslyrealizedwhathewasdoing.Clearly, actingbefore thinking is agood thingwhenwe’re inasituation likeDan’s,orwhenwe’re indanger in someotherway.But acting or reacting before we thinkisn’t usually so good innormal,everydaysituations,likewhenwestormfromourcarandyell at another parent for breaking the no-waiting rule in thecarpool pickup circle. As we’ll explain in the “Whole-Brain Kids”sectionbelow, that’swhatwecall “ ippingour lid,”and it’showtheamygdalacangetusintotrouble:ittakesoverandrelievestheupstairsbrainfromitsduties.Whenwe’renottrulyindanger,wewanttothinkbeforeacting,insteadoftheotherwayaround.Wewantourkidstodothesame.Theproblem,though, is thatespeciallyinchildren,theamygdalafrequently resupandblocksthestairwayconnectingtheupstairsanddownstairsbrain.It’sasifa babygatehas been latched at thebottomof the stairs,makingthe upstairs brain inaccessible. This of course further compoundstheotherproblemwejustdiscussed:notonlyistheupstairsbrainunder construction, but even the part of it thatcan functionbecomesinaccessibleduringmomentsofhighemotionorstress.When your three-year-old erupts in anger because there are noorangePopsiclesleftinthefreezer,hisdownstairsbrain,includingthe brain stem and amygdala, has sprung into action and latchedthe baby gate. This primitive part of his brain has received anintensesurgeofenergy, leavinghimliterallyunabletoactcalmlyand reasonably. Massive brain resources have rushed to hisdownstairs brain, leaving little to power his upstairs brain. As aresult, no matter how many times you tell him that you haveplentyofpurplePopsicles (whichhe likedbetter thanorange lasttime anyway), he’s probably not going to listen to reason in thismoment. He’s much more likely to throw something or yell at

anyonenearby.Asyouknowifyou’ve foundyourself in thissituation, thebestway toeasehim through this crisis (and inhismind it reallyis acrisis)istosoothehimandhelphimshifthisattention.Youmightpick him up and show him something else of interest in anotherroom,oryoumightdosomethingsillyoro -the-walltochangethedynamicsofthesituation.Whenyoudothis,youarehelpinghimunlatchthegate,sothatthestairwayofintegrationcanonceagainbecomeaccessibleandhecanengagehisupstairsbrainandbegintocalmdown.Thesamegoesforwhentheproblemisn’tangerbutfear.Thinkofanactive,athleticseven-year-oldwhorefusestolearntorideabike.Her amygdala produces such paralyzing fear that shewon’teven attempt an activity at which she’s more than capable ofsucceeding.Her amygdalahasnotonlyplacedababygate at thebottomofthestairs,ithaslitteredthestairwaywiththeequivalentofballs,skates,books,andshoes—allkindsofobstaclesthatcomefrompastfrighteningexperiencesandmakeit impossibletoreachthehigherpartsofherbrain.Inthissituation,therewouldagainbemany di erent possible strategies for clearing the pathway. Herparentsmighttrytopersuadeheroftherewardoftakingonanewchallenge; they might acknowledge and discuss their own fears;theymight even o er an incentive to help her conquer her fear.Any number of approaches might work to help her clear theconnectiontoherupstairsbrainandquietheramygdala,which isshoutingthemessagethatshemightfallandhurtherself.Think about what this information means, practically, as weraise kidswho don’t have constant access to their upstairs brain.It’sunrealistictoexpectthemalwaystoberational,regulatetheiremotions, make good decisions, think before acting, and beempathetic—allofthethingsadevelopedupstairsbrainhelpsthemdo. They can demonstrate some of these qualities to varying

degreesmuchofthetime,dependingontheirage.Butforthemostpart, kids just don’t have the biological skill set to do soall thetime.Sometimes theycanuse theirupstairsbrain,andsometimesthey can’t. Just knowing this and adjusting our expectations canhelpusseethatourkidsareoftendoingthebesttheycanwiththebraintheyhave.Sodoes thatgivethemaget-out-of-jail-freecard(“Sorry,Mom,that I squirted our new puppy’s face with Windex. I guess myupstairs brainwasn’t fully engaged”)?Hardly. In fact, it actuallygivesusparentsevenmoreincentivetoseethatourkidsdevelopthe faculties that result inappropriate behavior. And it gives us apretty e ective strategy for making some dicey decisions,especiallywhenwe’re in themiddleof aheated situation—likeatantrum.

TANTRUMS:UPSTAIRSANDDOWNSTAIRS

The dreaded tantrum can be one of themost unpleasant parts ofparenting.Whetherittakesplaceinprivateorinpublic,itcan,intheblinkofaneye,turnthepersonwhoownsourheartandmovesmountains with one beautiful little smile, into the mostunattractiveandrepulsivebeingontheplanet.Mostparentshavebeentaughtthatthere’sonlyonegoodwaytorespond to a tantrum: ignore it. Otherwise, you communicate toyour child that she has a powerfulweapon towield against you,andshewillwielditoverandoveragain.But what does this new knowledge about the brain say abouttantrums? When you know about the upstairs and downstairsbrain,youcanalsoseethattherearereallytwodi erenttypesoftantrums. Anupstairs tantrum occurs when a child essentiallydecidestothrowa t.Shemakesaconsciouschoicetoactout,to

push buttons and terrorize you until she get what she wants.Despite her dramatic and seemingly heartfelt pleas, she couldinstantly stop the tantrum if she wanted to—for instance, if yougaveintoherdemandsorremindedherthatsheisabouttoloseacherishedprivilege.Thereasonshecanstopisthatsheisusingherupstairsbrainat thatmoment.She isable tocontrolheremotionsandbody,tobelogicalandmakegooddecisions.Shemaylooklikeshe’scompletelyoutofcontrolasshescreamsinthemiddleofthemall,“Iwantthoseprincessslippersnow!”Butyoucanseethatsheknows what she’s doing, and that she’s de nitely working fromstrategyandmanipulationtoachieveadesiredend:thatyoudropeverythingandimmediatelybuytheslippers.A parent who recognizes an upstairs tantrum is left with oneclear response: never negotiate with a terrorist. An upstairstantrum calls for rm boundaries and a clear discussion aboutappropriate and inappropriate behavior. A good response in thissituation would be to calmly explain, “I understand that you’reexcitedabouttheslippers,butIdon’tlikethewayyou’reacting.Ifyou don’t stop now, you won’t get the slippers, and I’ll need tocancel your playdate this afternoon, because you’re showing methatyou’renotabletohandleyourselfwell.”Thenit’simportanttofollowthroughonthoseconsequencesifthebehaviordoesn’tstop.By providing this type of rm limit, you’re giving your daughterpractice at seeing the consequences of her inappropriate actions,and at learning to control her impulses. You’re teaching her thatrespectful communication, patience, anddelayed grati cationpayo —and that contrary behaviors don’t. Important lessons for adevelopingbrain.If you refuse to give in to upstairs tantrums—regardless of theageofyourchild—you’llstopseeingthemonaregularbasis.Sinceupstairs tantrums are intentional, children will stop returning tothat particular strategywhen they learn that it’s ine ective—and

oftenevenleadstonegativeresults.A downstairs tantrum is completely di erent. Here, a childbecomessoupsetthathe’snolongerabletousehisupstairsbrain.Yourtoddlerbecomessoangrythatyoupouredwateronhisheadtowashhishairthathebeginsscreaming,throwingtoysoutofthetub,andwildlyswinginghis sts,tryingtohityou.Inthiscase,thelowerpartsofhisbrain—inparticularhisamygdala—takeoverandhijackhisupstairsbrain.He’snotevenclosetobeinginastateofintegration. In fact, the stress hormones ooding his little bodymeanthatvirtuallynopartofhishigherbrainisfullyfunctioning.As a result, he’s literally incapable—momentarily, at least—ofcontrollinghisbodyoremotions,andofusingallofthosehigher-order thinking skills, like considering consequences, solvingproblems,orconsideringothers’ feelings.He’s ippedhis lid.Thebabygateisblockingaccesstotheupstairs,andhesimplycan’tusehis whole brain. (When you later tell someone that your child“totally lost his mind,” you’ll actually be more neurologicallyaccuratethanyourealize!)When your child is in this state of dis-integration and a full-blown downstairs tantrum has erupted, a completely di erentparental response is called for. Whereas a child throwing anupstairstantrumneedsaparenttoquicklyset rmboundaries,anappropriate response to a downstairs tantrum is much morenurturingand comforting. As in the “connect and redirect”techniquewediscussedinchapter2,the rstthingaparentneedstodoistoconnectwiththechildandhelphimcalmhimselfdown.This can often be accomplished through loving touch and asoothingtoneofvoice.Or,ifhehasgonesofarthathe’sindangerof hurting himself or someone else or destroying property, youmay have to hold him close and calmly talk him down as youremovehimfromthescene.You can experiment with di erent approaches depending on

your child’s temperament, butwhat’smost important is that youhelp soothe him and steer him away from the chaos bank of theriver. There’s no sense in talking about consequences orappropriate behavior. He simply can’t process any of thatinformation when he’s in the middle of his downstairs tantrum,becausethatconversationrequiresafunctioningupstairsbrainthatcanlistenandassimilateinformation.Soyour rsttask,whenyourchild’supstairsbrainhasbeenhijackedbyhisdownstairsbrain,istohelpcalmhisamygdala.Then,oncetheupstairsbrainreentersthepicture,youcanbegintorespondtotheissueusinglogicandreason.(“Didyounotlikeitthat Daddy washed your hair like that? Do you have any ideasabouthowweshouldwashyourhairnexttime?”)Onceheisinamore receptive place, you can also talk about appropriate andinappropriate behavior, and about any possible consequences (“Iknow you were really angry about the water splashing in yourface.But it’snotOK tohitwhenyou’remad.Youcanusewordsand tell Daddy, ‘I don’t like that. Please stop’ ”). Your disciplinecan nowmaintain your authority—that’s crucial—but you can doso from a more informed and compassionate position. And yourchild is more likely to internalize the lesson because you’reteachingitwhenhisbrainismorereceptivetolearning.As any veteran parent knows, ipping the lid isn’t unique totoddlers.Itmaylookdi erentwhenitoccursinaten-year-old,buta child of any age (or even an adult!) is prone to having thedownstairsbrain takeover inhigh-emotionsituations.That’swhyanawarenessof theupstairsbrainand thedownstairsbrain—andthetantrumsthatoriginatefromeachplace—canhelpusbemuchmoree ectiveaswedisciplineourchildren.Wecanmoreclearlyseewhenit’stimetodrawthelineandwhenit’stimetobringlotsofnurturingcompassiontohelpengagetheupstairsbrain.Tantrums provide just one example of how practical this

upstairs-downstairs knowledge can be.Now let’s talk about otherwaysyoucanhelpdevelopyourchild’supstairsbrainandallowittobecomestrongerandmoreintegratedwiththedownstairsbrain.

WhatYouCanDo:HelpingDevelopandIntegrateYourChild’sUpstairsBrain

Whole-BrainStrategy#3:Engage,Don’tEnrage:AppealingtotheUpstairsBrain

Askyourself,asyouinteractwithyourkidsthroughtheday,whichpart of their brain you’re appealing to. Are you engaging theupstairs?Orareyoutriggeringthedownstairs?Theanswertothisquestioncangoalongwaytowarddeterminingtheoutcomeofoneof those delicately balanced parenting moments. Here’s a storyTinatellsaboutatimeshefacedjustsuchamomentwithherson:

While eating at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants, Inoticed that my four-year-old had left the table and wasstanding behind a pillar about ten feet away. Asmuch as Ilovehim,andasadorableashe ismostof the time,when Isawhisangry,de antfacecoupledwithhisrepeatedtongue-thrustingaimedatourtable,“adorable”wasn’tthewordthatcametomymind.Afewdinersatsurroundingtablesnoticedandlookedatmyhusband,Scott,andmetoseehowweweregoingtohandlethesituation.Inthatmoment,ScottandIfeltthepressureandjudgmentofthosewatchingandexpectingustolaydownthelawaboutmannersatarestaurant.I clearly saw two choices as I walked over and croucheddown eye-level with my son. Option #1: I could go thetraditional “command and demand” route and open with aclichéd threat uttered in a stern tone: “Stop making faces,

youngman.Gositdownandeatyourlunchoryouwon’tgetanydessert.”At times option #1 might be an appropriate parentalresponse. But for my little guy, this verbal and nonverbalconfrontationwould have triggered all kinds of reactiveemotions inhisdownstairsbrain—thepart scientistscall thereptilianbrain—andhewouldhavefoughtbacklikeareptileunderattack.Oroption#2:Icouldtapintohisupstairsbraininane orttogetmoreofathinking—asopposedtoafighting/reacting—response.Now, I make plenty of mistakes as I parentmy boys (asthey’llfreelytellyou).Butjustthedaybefore,Ihadgivenalecture to a group of parents about the upstairs anddownstairs brain, and about using everyday challenges—thesurvivalmoments—as opportunities to help our kids thrive.So, luckily formy son, all of that was fresh inmymind. Idecidedtochooseoption#2.I started with an observation: “You look like you feelangry.Isthatright?”(Remember“connectandredirect”?)Hescruncheduphisfaceinferocity,stuckouthistongueagain,andloudlyproclaimed,“Yes!”Iwasactuallyrelievedthathestoppedthere;itwouldn’thavebeenatallunlikehimtoaddhis latest favorite insult and call me “Fart-face Jones.” (IswearIdon’tknowwheretheylearnthisstuff.)I askedhimwhathe felt angry about anddiscovered thathewas furious that Scott had told him he needed to eat atleast half of his quesadilla before he could have dessert. Iexplained that I could seewhy thatwouldbedisappointing,andIsaid,“Well,Daddy’sreallygoodatnegotiating.Decidewhat you thinkwouldbe a fair amount to eat, and then gotalktohimaboutit.Letmeknowifyouneedhelpcomingup

withyourplan.”Itousledhishair,returnedtothetable,andwatchedhisonce-againadorablefaceshowevidenceofdoingsomehardthinking.Hisupstairsbrainwasdefinitelyengaged.Infact,itwasatwarwithhisdownstairsbrain.Sofarwehadavoidedablow-up,butitstillfeltlikeadangerousfusemightbeburningwithinhim.Within fteen secondsor so,my son returnedand said toScottinanangrytoneofvoice,“Dad,Idon’twanttoeathalfof my quesadilla.And I want dessert.” Scott’s responseperfectlydovetailedwithmyown:“Well,whatdoyouthinkwouldbeafairamount?”The answer came with slow, rm resolve: “I’ve got onewordforyou:Tenbites.”Whatmakes thisunmathematical response even funnier isthat ten bites meant that he would eat well over half thequesadilla.SoScottacceptedthecountero er,mysonhappilygobbleddown tenbites and thenhis dessert, and thewholefamily(aswellastherestaurant’sotherpatrons)gottoenjoylunch with no further incidents. My son’s downstairs brainnever fully took over, which, luckily for us,meant that hisupstairsbrainhadwontheday.Again, option #1 would have been perfectly ne, evenappropriate. But it also would have missed an opportunity.Mysonwouldhavemissedachancetoseethatrelationshipsare about connection, communication, and compromise. Hewouldhavemissed a chance to feel empowered thathe canmakechoices,a ecthisenvironment,andsolveproblems.Inshort, hewouldhavemissed anopportunity to exercise anddevelophisupstairsbrain.And Ihasten topointout thateven though I choseoption#2, Scott and I still had to address themisbehavior part oftheincident.Onceoursonwasmoreincontrolofhimselfand

could actually be receptive to what we had to say, wediscussed the importance of being respectful andusing goodmannersinarestaurant,evenwhenhe’sunhappy.

This is an example of how simple awareness of the downstairsandupstairsbraincanhaveadirectandimmediateimpactonthewaywe parent and discipline our children.Notice thatwhen thechallengearose,Tinaaskedherself,“Whichpartof thebraindo Iwant toappeal tohere?”Shecouldhavegottenwhat shewantedbychallenginghersonanddemandingthathechangehisbehaviorimmediately. Shehas enough authority in his eyes that hewouldhave obeyed (albeit resentfully). But that approach would havetriggered the downstairs brain, and his anger and feelings ofunfairnesswouldhaveragedwithinhim.Soinstead,Tinaengagedhis upstairs brain by helping him think through the situation andfindawaytonegotiatewithhisfather.Let’s make one thing clear: sometimes there is no place fornegotiation in parent-child interactions. Children need to respecttheirparents’authority,andsometimesthatmeansthatnosimplymeansno,withoutwiggleroom.Also,sometimescountero ersareunacceptable. If Tina’s four-year-old had suggested that he takeonly one bite of his lunch, his dad wouldn’t have been open tostrikingthatparticulardeal.

Butasweparentanddisciplineourkids,wearegivensomanyopportunities to interact in ways that engage and develop theirupstairsbrain.Noticehow,intheillustrationonthispage,themotherchosenotto present an ultimatum thatwould enrage the downstairs brain.

Instead, she engaged the upstairs brain by rst directing herdaughter tousemorepreciseandspeci cwords forhowshewasfeeling (“Areyou feelingreallymadbecause Ididn’tgetyou thatnecklace?”).Thensheaskedherdaughtertoworkwithhertobeaproblem solver. Once the girl asks, “How do we do that?” themother knows that theupstairs brain is engaged.Herdaughter isnowabletodiscusstheissuewithhermominawayshecouldn’tjust a few seconds ago. Now they can brainstorm together aboutgettinganothernecklaceatthestoreormakingoneathome.Themother can also now talk to her daughter about how to use herwordswhenshe’sangry.Everytimewesay“Convinceme”or“Comeupwithasolutionthatworksforbothofus,”wegiveourkidsthechancetopracticeproblem solving and decision making. We help them considerappropriatebehaviors and consequences, andwehelp them thinkaboutwhatanotherpersonfeelsandwants.Allbecausewefoundawaytoengagetheupstairs,insteadofenragingthedownstairs.

Whole-BrainStrategy#4:UseItorLoseIt:ExercisingtheUpstairsBrain

In addition to appealing to our children’s upstairs brain, we alsowanttohelpthemexercise it.Theupstairsbrain is likeamuscle:whenitgetsused,itdevelops,getsstronger,andperformsbetter.Andwhenitgetsignored,itdoesn’tdevelopoptimally,losingsomeofitspowerandabilitytofunction.That’swhatwemeanby“useit or lose it.” We want to be intentional about developing theupstairs brain of our children. As we’ve been saying, a strongupstairsbrain balances out the downstairs brain, and is essentialfor social and emotional intelligence. It’s the foundation of solidmental health. Our job is to provide our kids with opportunity

afteropportunitytoexercisetheirupstairsbrainsothatitcangrowstrongerandmorepowerful.Asyouandyourchildrengo throughyourday,watch forwaysyou can focus on and exercise di erent functions of the upstairsbrain.Let’slookatafewofthem,onebyone.

SoundDecisionMaking

Onebigparental temptation is tomakedecisions forourkids, sothat theyconsistentlydo the right thing.Butasoftenaspossible,weneedtogivethempracticeatmakingdecisionsforthemselves.Decision making requires what’s called executive functioning,which occurs when the upstairs brain weighs di erent options.Considering several competing alternatives, as well as theoutcomes of those choices, gives a child’s upstairs brain practice,strengtheningitandallowingittoworkbetter.Forveryyoungchildren,thiscanbeassimpleasasking,“Doyouwanttowearyourblueshoesoryourwhiteshoestoday?”Then,askidsgetolder,wecangivethemmoreresponsibilityinthedecisionmakingandallowthemtotakeonsomedilemmasthatcanreallychallenge them. For instance, if your ten-year-old daughter has ascheduling con ict—both her Girl Scout campout and her soccerplayo areonSaturdayandsheclearlycan’tbe inbothplacesatthe same time—encourage her to make the choice. She’s muchmore likely to be comfortable, if not completely happy, abouthaving to give up one commitment if she’s been a part of theprocessofmakingthedecision.Anallowance isanother terri cway togiveolderkidspracticeat dealing with di cult dilemmas. The experience of decidingbetween buying a computer game now or continuing to save forthatnewbikeisapowerfulwaytoexercisetheupstairsbrain.Thepointistoletyourchildrenwrestlewiththedecisionandlivewith

the consequences. Whenever you can do so responsibly, avoidsolvingandresist rescuing,evenwhen theymakeminormistakesornot-so-greatchoices.Afterall,yourgoalhereisn’tperfectiononevery decision right now, but an optimally developed upstairsbraindowntheroad.

ControllingEmotionsandtheBody

Anotherimportant—anddi cult—taskfor littleonesis toremainincontrolofthemselves.Soweneedtogivethemskillsthathelpthemmakegooddecisionswhentheyareupset.Usethetechniquesyou’reprobablyalreadyfamiliarwith:Teachthemtotakeadeepbreath,orcounttoten.Helpthemexpresstheirfeelings.Letthemstomptheirfeetorpunchapillow.Youcanalsoteachthemwhat’shappeningintheirbrainswhentheyfeelthemselveslosingcontrol—andhowtoavoid“ ippingtheirlid.”(We’llhelpyouwiththisinthe“Whole-BrainKids”sectionattheendofthechapter.)Evensmallchildrenhavethecapacity tostopandthink insteadof hurting someone with their words or their sts. They won’talways make good decisions, but the more fully they practicealternativesotherthanlashingout,thestrongerandmorecapabletheirupstairsbrainwillbecome.

Self-understanding

Oneofthebestwaystofosterself-understandinginyourchildrenistoaskquestionsthathelpthemlookbeyondthesurfaceofwhatthey understand:Why do you think you made that choice? Whatmadeyoufeelthatway?Whydoyouthinkyoudidn’tdowellonyourtest—was it because you were hurrying, or is this just really di cultmaterial?Thisiswhatonefatherdidforhisten-year-old,Catherine,ashe

helpedherpackforcamp.Heaskedwhethersheexpectedto feelhomesick while she was away. When he received the expectednoncommittal “Maybe” in response, he followed upwith anotherquestion:“Howdoyouthinkyou’llhandlethat?”Againhereceivedanon-answer—“Idon’tknow”—butthis timehe could see her beginning to think about the question, if only alittle.Sohepressed further: “Ifyoudostart feelinghomesick,what’ssomethingyoucandotofeelbetter?”Catherinecontinuedstu ngclothesintoherdu elbag,butshewasobviouslythinkingaboutthequestionnow.Finallysheo eredanactualanswer:“IguessIcouldwriteyoualetter,orIcoulddosomethingfunwithmyfriends.”Fromhere sheandher fatherwereable to talk foracoupleofminutes about her expectations and concerns about going away,and she developed a bitmore self-understanding. Simply becauseherfatheraskedherafewquestions.Whenyourchildisoldenoughtobeabletowrite—orevenjustdraw—youmightgivehimajournalandencouragedailywritingordrawing.Thisritualcanenhancehisabilitytopayattentiontoandunderstandhisinternallandscape.Orforayoungerchild,haveherdraw pictures that tell a story. The more your kids think aboutwhat’sgoingonwithinthemselves,themoretheywilldeveloptheabilitytounderstandandrespondtowhat’sgoingonintheworldswithinandaroundthem.

Empathy

Empathyisanotherimportantfunctionoftheupstairsbrain.Whenyou ask simple questions that encourage the consideration ofanother’s feelings, you are building your child’s ability to feelempathy.Atarestaurant:“Whydoyouthinkthatbabyiscrying?”

While you’re reading together: “How do you think Melinda isfeelingnowthatherfriendmovedaway?”Leavingthestore:“Thatwomanwasn’t verynice tous,was she?Doyou think somethingmighthavehappenedtoherthatmadeherfeelsadtoday?”Simply by drawing your child’s attention to other people’semotionsduringeverydayencounters,youcanopenupwholenewlevelsofcompassionwithinthemandexercisetheirupstairsbrain.Scientistsarebeginningmoreandmoretothinkthatempathyhasits roots in a complex system of what are being called mirrorneurons, which we’ll discuss in the next chapter. The more yougiveyour child’s upstairs brainpractice at thinkingof others, themorecapablehewillbeofhavingcompassion.

Morality

All of the above attributes of a well-integrated upstairs brainculminate in one of ourmost important goals for our children: astrong sense of morality. When kids can make sound decisions

whilecontrolling themselvesandworking fromempathyandself-understanding, they will develop a robust and active sense ofmorality,asenseofnotonlyrightandwrong,butalsowhatisforthe greater good beyond their own individual needs. Again, wecan’t expect absolute consistency because of their still-developingbrain. But we do want to raise questions regarding morals andethicsasoftenaspossibleinnormal,everydaysituations.Another way to exercise this part of the brain is to o erhypothetical situations, which kids often love:Would it be OK torun a red light if therewas an emergency? If a bullywas picking onsomeoneat schooland therewerenoadultsaround,whatwouldyoudo?Thepointistochallengeyourchildrentothinkabouthowtheyact,andtoconsidertheimplicationsoftheirdecisions.Indoingso,you give your kids practice thinking through moral and ethicalprinciples,which,withyourguidance,willbecomethefoundationforthewaytheymakedecisionsfortherestoftheirlives.And,ofcourse,considerwhatyouaremodelingwithyourownbehavior.Asyou teach themabouthonesty,generosity,kindness,andrespect,makesurethattheyseeyoulivingalifethatembodiesthosevaluesaswell.Theexamplesyouset,forgoodandforbad,will signi cantly impact the way your child’s upstairs braindevelops.

Whole-BrainStrategy#5:MoveItorLoseIt:MovingtheBodytoAvoidLosingtheMind

Research has shown that bodily movement directly a ects brainchemistry. Sowhen one of your children has lost touchwith hisupstairs brain, a powerful way to help him regain balance is tohavehimmovehisbody.Here’sastoryamothertoldusaboutherten-year-oldsonandatimeheregainedcontrolbybeingphysically

active.

Two days after Liam started fth grade, he felt completelyoverwhelmed by the amount of homework his teacher hadassigned. (I agreedwith him, by theway. Itwas a lot.)Hewascomplainingaboutit,butheeventuallywenttohisroomtoworkonit.WhenIwenttocheckonhisprogress,Ifoundhimliterallycurledup in a fetal positionunderhis beanbag chair inhisroom. I encouraged him to come out, to sit at his desk andkeep working on his studies. He kept whining, saying hecouldn’t do it: “It’s just too much!” I kept o ering to helphim,andhekeptrefusingmyhelp.Thenallofa sudden,he jumpedout fromunder thebeanbag chair, ran downstairs, ran out the front door, and keptrunning. He ran several blocks through the neighborhoodbeforecominghome.When we had him safely back in the house, and he hadcalmed down and had a snack, Iwas able to talkwith himand ask why he had taken o like that. He said he didn’treallyknow.Hesaid,“TheonlythingIcanthinkofisthatIfeltlikeitwouldmakemefeelbetterifIranasfastasIcouldforas longas I could.And itdid.”And Ihave toadmit—hedid seem a lotmore calm, and ready to haveme help himwithhishomework.

Even though Liam didn’t know it, when he left the house andran,hewaspracticingintegration.Hisdownstairsbrainhadbulliedhis upstairs brain into submission, leaving him feelingoverwhelmedandhelpless.Hehad oatedwayovernearthechaosbank of the river. His mother’s attempts to help bring in hisupstairsbrainwereunsuccessful,butwhenLiambroughthisbody

intotheconversation,somethingchangedinhisbrain.Afterafewminutes of exercise, he was able to calm his amygdala and givecontrolbacktohisupstairsbrain.Studies support Liam and his spontaneous strategy. Researchshowsthatwhenwechangeourphysicalstate—throughmovementor relaxation, for example—we can change our emotional state.Try smiling for a minute—it can make you feel happier; quick,shallowbreaths accompany anxiety, and if you take a slow,deepbreath,you’lllikelyfeelcalmer.(Youcantrytheselittleexerciseswithyourchildtoteachherhowherbodyaffectshowshefeels.)Thebodyisfullofinformationthatitsendstothebrain.Infact,a lot of the emotion we feel actually begins in the body. Ourchurning stomach and tense shoulders send physical messages ofanxietytothebrainbeforeweevenconsciouslyrealizethatwe’renervous.Theflowofenergyandinformationfromthebodyupintoourbrainstem,intoourlimbicregion,andthenupintothecortex,changesourbodilystates,ouremotionalstates,andourthoughts.What happened for Liam, then, was that themovement of hisbodyhelpedbringhiswholeselfintoastateofintegration,sohisupstairs brain, his downstairs brain, and his body could all onceagaindotheirjobsinawaythatwase ectiveandhealthy.Whenhe feltoverwhelmed, the owofenergyand informationbecameblocked, resulting in dis-integration. Vigorously moving his bodyreleased some of his angry energy and tension, allowing him torelax. So after his run, his body sent “calmer” information to hisupstairsbrain,meaningthathisemotionalbalancereturnedandthedi erentpartsofhisbrainandbodybegantofunctionagaininanintegratedway.The next time your children need help calming down orregaining control, look for ways to get themmoving. For youngkids, experiment with what might be called creative, lovingtrickery,asshownonthispage.

The fun of this game, coupled with the physical activity, cancompletely change your toddler’s mind-set and make the wholemorningmuchmoreenjoyableforbothofyou.Thistechniqueworksforolderkids,also.ALittleLeaguecoachweknowheardaboutthe“moveitorloseit”principleandendeduphavinghisplayersjumpupanddowninthedugoutwhentheygot discouraged after giving up a few early runs during thechampionship.Theboys’movementbrought a shift of excitementandnewenergy into theirbodiesandbrains,and theyeventuallycame back and won the game. (Chalk up another victory forneuroscience!)

Attimes,too,youcansimplyexplaintheconcept:Iknowyou’remadyoudidn’tgettogoonthesleepoverwithyoursister.Doesn’tseemfair, does it?Let’s go rideourbikesand talkabout it. Sometimes justmovingyourbodycanhelpyourbrain feel like thingsaregoing tobeOK.Howeveryoudoit,thepointistohelpyourchildregainsome

sort of balance and control by moving their body, which canremoveblockagesandpavethewayforintegrationtoreturn.

Whole-BrainKids:TeachYourKidsAboutTheirDownstairsandUpstairsBrain

Kids can pretty easily understand the upstairs-downstairsinformationwe’vepresentedinthischapter.Here’ssomethingyoucanreadtoyourchildtohelpgettheconversationgoing.

IntegratingOurselves:UsingOurOwnMentalStaircase

“My young son was screaming for forty- veminutes and I

didn’t know how to comfort him. I nally screamed back,‘SometimesIhateyou!’”

“My son was two and scratched his baby brother’s face sohardthatheleftmarks.Ispankedhisbottom,like vehardswats. Then I left the room, walked down the hall, turnedback around, and spanked him probably ve more swatsagain.Iscreamedathimsoloud,Iterrifiedhim.”

“After I had told my daughter to watch out for her littlebrotherrunninginfrontoftheswing,shealmostswungrightintohim.Iwassomadthateveninfrontofotherpeopleatthe park I said to her, ‘What’s wrong with you—are youstupid?’”

These are some pretty awful parenting experiences, aren’tthey? They represent our downstairs moments, the timeswhen we’re so out of control that we say or do somethingwe’dneverletanyoneelsesayordotoourchild.The confessions above come from real parents whom weknow personally. And although itmay surprise you, each ofthoseparentsdoesagreatjobatraisingtheirkids.Butliketherestofus,theyjust loseitfromtimetotimeandsayanddothingstheywishtheyhadn’t.Could you add your own downstairs moment to the listabove? Of course you could. You’re a parent, and you’rehuman. We see it time and again when we speak to andcounsel parents: in high-stress parenting situations, parentsmakemistakes.Allofusdo.

But don’t forget: parenting crises are openings for growthand integration. You can use the moments when you feelyourself losing control as opportunities to model self-regulation. Little eyes are watching to see howyou calmyourselfdown.Youractionssetanexampleofhowtomakeagoodchoiceinahigh-emotionmomentwhenyou’reindangerofflippingyourlid.Sowhatdoyoudowhenyourecognizethatyourdownstairsbrain has taken over and you’ve begun to lose your mind?First, do no harm. Close your mouth to avoid sayingsomething you’ll regret. Put yourhandsbehindyour back toavoid any kind of rough physical contact.When you’re in adownstairsmoment,protectyourchildatallcosts.Second, remove yourself from the situation and collectyourself. There’s nothing wrong with taking a breather,especiallywhen itmeans protecting your child. You can tellher you need a break to calm down so she doesn’t feelrejected.Then,although itmight feelabit sillyat times, tryoutthe“moveitor loseit”technique.Dojumpingjacks.Trysomeyogastretches.Takeslow,deepbreaths.Dowhateverittakes to regain some of the control you lost when youramygdala hijacked your upstairs brain. You’ll not onlymoveintoamoreintegratedstateyourself,butalsomodelforyourkidssomequickself-regulationtrickstheycanuse.Finally, repair.Quickly.Reconnectwithyourchildas soonasyouarecalmandfeelingmoreincontrolofyourself.Thendeal with whatever emotional and relational harm has beendone. This may involve your expressing forgiveness, but itmayalsorequirethatyouapologizeandacceptresponsibility

for your own actions. This step needs to occur as quickly aspossible. The sooner you repair the connection betweenyourselfandyourchild, thesooneryoucanbothregainyouremotionalbalanceandgetbacktoenjoyingyourrelationshiptogether.

CHAPTER4

KilltheButterflies!IntegratingMemoryforGrowthandHealing

“ThereisnowayI’mtakingswimminglessonsthissummer!”Tina’s seven-year-old made this rm proclamation when hefoundouthisparentshadsignedhimup for lessonsat their localhighschoolpool.Sittingatthedinnertable,heglaredathismomanddad,settinghisjawandnarrowinghiseyes.Tina looked to her husband, Scott,who shrugged, as if to say,OK,I’llgofirst.“Idon’tgetit.Youloveswimming.”“Exactly, Dad, that’s thepoint.” He even sounded sarcastic. “Ialreadyknowhowtoswim.”Scottnodded.“Weknowyoudo.Thelessonsaretohelpyougetbetter.”Tina added, “PlusHenry’s doing it. You’ll be hanging outwithhimeverydaynextweek.”He shookhishead. “Noway. Idon’t care.”He lookeddownathisplate,andahintoffearcreptintohisdeterminedvoice.“Pleasedon’tmakemedothis.”Scott andTina exchanged a look and said they’d think about itand continue the discussion later. But theywere shocked. It wasabsolutelyunheardoffortheirsontoturndownanyactivitywithHenry,hisbestfriend,especiallyonerelatedtoathletics.Situationslikethiscomeupallthetimeforparents,wheretheyare left completely ba ed by the way their child responds tosomething they say.When fear, anger, frustration, and other bigemotionsoverpowerchildrenandtheyactinwaysthatdon’tmake

sense,theremaybeaneasily xablereason.Theymaysimplybehungry or tired. Or maybe they’ve been in the car too long. Ormaybeit’s justbecausethey’retwo(orthree,or four,or ve—orfteen). But other times, a child acts out or behavesuncharacteristicallybecauseofmoredeep-seatedreasons.For example, as Tina and Scott spoke later that night, theyagreed that their son’s surprising right-brained response likelyresulted from a mildly traumatic experience he had undergonethreeyearsearlier,anexperienceheprobablywasn’teventhinkingabout.Tinaknew thiswasagreat time to introduceher son toacoupleofimportantfactsaboutthebrain,soatbedtimethatnight,that’swhatshedid.Beforewetellyouaboutthatconversation,weshould rstexplainwhatTinawas trying toaccomplishwhenshetalked to her son. She knew that one of the bestways to help achild dealwith di cult experiences is to understand some basicsaboutthescienceofhowmemoryworksinthebrain.

MEMORYANDTHEBRAIN:ACOUPLEOFMYTHS

Let’sstartwithtwomythsaboutmemory.

Myth#1:Memoryisamental lecabinet.Whenyouthinkbackaboutyour rstdateorthebirthofyourchild,youjustopentheappropriatefiledrawerinyourbrainandcallupthatmemory.

Itwouldbeniceandconvenientifthisweretrue,butthat’sjustnot the way the brain works. There aren’t thousands of little“memory les” in your headwaiting for you to access them andbringthemtoconsciousnesssoyoucanthinkaboutthem.Instead,memory is all about associations. As an associationmachine, thebrain processes something in the present moment—an idea, a

feeling,a smell,an image—and links thatexperiencewith similarexperiences from the past. These past experiences stronglyin uencehowweunderstandwhatweseeor feel.That in uenceoccursbecauseofassociationsinthebrain,wheredi erentneurons(or brain cells) become linked to each other. So, in essence,memory is the way an event from the past in uences us in thepresent.Imagine, for example, that you found an old paci er betweenyourcouchcushions.Whatkindofemotionsandmemorieswouldyou experience? If you still have a baby in the house, maybenothingtooearth-shattering.Butifit’sbeenafewyearssinceyourlittle one used a paci er, then you might be ooded withsentimentalassociations.Youmightrememberhowgiantitlookedinyournewborn’smouth,orhowquicklyyoumovedthe rsttimeyour toddler shared the binkywith the dog.Or youmight relivethat wretched night when you all said goodbye to paci ers forgood. In the moment that you nd the paci er, all kinds ofassociationsrushbackintoyourawareness,impactingyourpresentfeelingsandmoodbasedonstrongassociationsfromthepast.Thisiswhatmemoryessentiallyis—association.Without getting too complicated, here’s what goes on in thebrain. Anytime we undergo an experience, neurons “ re,” orbecome activated with electrical signals. When these brain cellsre,theybecomelinkedwithorjoinotherneurons.Theselinkagescreateassociations.Asweexplainedintheintroduction,thismeansthateveryexperienceliterallychangesthephysicalmakeupofthebrain, since neurons are constantly being connected (andseparated) based on our experiences. Neuroscientists explain thisprocesswiththephrase“Neuronsthat retogetherwiretogether.”In other words, every new experience causes certain neurons tore,andwhentheydo,theywiretogether,orlinkup,withotherneuronsthatarefiringatthesametime.

Doesn’tthis twithyourexperience?Theverymentionofbitingintoalemoncanmakeyousalivate.Orasonginthecartransportsyoubacktoanawkwardslowdanceinhighschool.Or remember when you gave your four-year-old a piece ofbubblegumafterballetclassthatonetime?Andwhatdidshewantandexpectaftereveryballetclassfromthenon?Ofcourse.Bubblegum.Why? Because her end-of-ballet-class neurons had red andwired with her bubble-gum neurons. Neurons that re togetherwiretogether.That’s how memory works. One experience (the end of balletclass) causes certain neurons to re, and those neurons can getwired to neurons from another experience (getting bubble gum).Theneachtimeweundergothe rstexperience,ourbrainconnectsitwiththesecondone.Thus,whenballetends,ourbraintriggersan expectation of getting gum. The trigger might be an internalevent—athoughtorafeeling—oranexternaleventthatthebrainassociates with something from your past. Regardless, thistriggered memory then sets up expectations for the future. Thebrain continually prepares itself for the future based on whathappened before. Memories shape our current perceptions bycausingustoanticipatewhatwillhappennext.Ourpastabsolutelyshapes our present and future. And it does so via associationswithinthebrain.

Myth#2:Memoryislikeaphotocopymachine.Whenyoucallupmemories, you see accurate, exact reproductions of what tookplace in thepast.Yourememberyourselfonyour rstdatewithridiculous hair and clothes, and you laugh at your ownnervousness.Oryouseethedoctorholdingupyournewbornandyourelivetheintenseemotionsofthatmoment.

Again,that’snotquitehowithappens.Well,theridiculoushair

andclothesmayhavereallyhappened,butmemoryisnotanexactreproduction of events from your past.Whenever you retrieve amemory,youalterit.Whatyourecallmaybeclosetoexactlywhathappened, but the very act of recalling an experience changes it,sometimes in signi cant ways. To put it scienti cally, memoryretrieval activates a neural cluster similar to, but not identicalwith,theonecreatedatthetimeofencoding.Thusmemoriesaredistorted—sometimes slightly, sometimes greatly—even thoughyoubelieveyouarebeingaccurate.You’vehadthoseconversationswithyoursiblingoryourspousewhereafteryoutellastoryaboutsomething,theysay“That’snothow it happened!” Your state of mind when you encoded thememory and the state of mind you’re in when you recall itin uenceandchangethememoryitself.Sothestoryyouactuallytellislesshistoryandmorehistoricalfiction.Keepthesetwomythsinmindaswetalkinthefollowingpagesabout yourkids and theway their past experiences impact them.Remember that memory is all about linkages in the brain (asopposed to being alphabetical les to be accessed wheneverneeded),andthatretrievedmemoriesarebyde nitionvulnerableto distortion (as opposed to being detail-for-detail accuratephotocopiesfromyourpast).

THETRUTHABOUTMEMORY:LET’SGETEXPLICIT(ANDIMPLICIT)

Think about your memory for changing a diaper. When youapproachachangingtable,youdon’tactivelytalkyourselfthroughtheprocess: “OK, rstplace thebabyon thepad.Nowunzip thepajamasandremovethesoggydiaper.Placethecleandiaperunderthebabyand…”No,noneofthat’snecessarybecausewhenyouchangeadiaper,

youjustdoit.You’vedoneitsomanytimesbefore,youdon’teventhink about what you’re doing. Your brain res o clusters ofneuronsthatletyouundothetabs,removethediaper,reachforababywipe,andsoon,allwithouteverevenrealizingthatyouare“remembering” how to do it. That’s one kind of memory: pastexperiences(changingdiaperafterdiaper)in uenceyourbehaviorin the present (changing this particular diaper) without anyrealizationthatyourmemoryhasevenbeentriggered.If,ontheotherhand,youthinkaboutthatdayyou rstchangedadiaper,youmightpause foramoment, scanyourmemory,andcome up with an image of yourself nervously gripping a baby’sankle, then cringing at the mess you nd in the diaper, thenstrugglingto gureoutwhat todonext.Whenyouactivelythinkabout these imagesandemotions, thenyou’reaware thatyouarerecalling something from the past. This is also memory—but it’sdi erent from the memory that enables you to change a diapernowwithoutthinkingaboutit.These two types of memory interweave and work together inyour normal everyday living. The memory that enables you tochange your babywithout knowing that you are remembering iscalledimplicitmemory. Your ability to recall learning to change adiaper(or torecallanyotherspeci cmoment) isexplicitmemory.Usuallywhenwetalkaboutmemory,wemeanwhatistechnicallyexplicitmemory:aconsciousrecollectionofapastexperience.Butweneedtoknowaboutbothkindsofmemory,forourownsakeaswellasforthatofourchildren.Bygettingaclearhandleonthesetwodi erenttypesofmemory,wecanprovideourkidswithwhatthey need as they grow and mature and deal with di cultexperiences.Let’s start by focusing on implicit memories, which beginforming even before we are born. Dan tells a story about aninformal“researchstudy”heperformedinhisownfamily.

Whenmywifewaspregnantwitheachofourtwochildren,Iusedtosingtotheminthewomb.ItwasanoldRussiansongthatmygrandmotherhadsungtome,achild’ssongaboutherlove for life and for her mother—“May there always besunshine,maytherealwaysbegoodtimes,maytherealwaysbeMama,andmaytherealwaysbeme.”Isangit—inRussianandinEnglish—duringthelasttrimesterofpregnancy,whenIknew the auditory systemwas wired up enough to registersoundcomingthroughtheamnioticfluid.Theninthe rstweekaftereachchildwasborn,Iinvitedacolleague over for a “research study.” (I know, it wasn’tcontrolled, but it was fun.) Without revealing the prenatalsong,Isangthreedi erentsongsinturn.Nodoubtaboutit—when the babies heard the familiar song, their eyes openedwider and they became more alert, so that my colleaguecould easily identify the change in their attention level. Aperceptualmemory had been encoded. (Nowmy kidswon’tletmesing;Iprobablysoundedbetterunderwater.)

Dan’s newborn children recognized his voice and the Russiansongbecause that informationhadbeenencoded in theirbrainasimplicit memories. We encode implicit memory throughout ourlives, and in the rst eighteenmonthswe encodeonly implicitly.An infant encodes the smells and tastes and sounds of home andparents,thesensationsinherbellywhenshe’shungry,theblissofwarmmilk, the way hermother’s body sti ens in response to acertainrelative’sarrival.Implicitmemoryencodesourperceptions,our emotions, our bodily sensations, and, as we get older,behaviors like learning to crawl and walk and ride a bike andeventuallychangeadiaper.What’scrucial tounderstandabout implicitmemory—especiallywhenitcomestoourkidsandtheirfearsandfrustrations—isthat

implicitmemoriescauseustoformexpectationsaboutthewaytheworld works, based on our previous experiences. Remember theconnectionbetweenballetandbubblegum?Becauseneurons thatretogetherwiretogether,wecreatecertainmentalmodelsbasedon what’s gone on in the past. If you hug your toddler everyeveningwhenyoucomehomefromwork,he’llhaveamodelinhismindthatyourreturnwillbe lledwitha ectionandconnection.Thisisbecauseimplicitmemorycreatessomethingcalled“priming”inwhichthebrainreadiesitselftorespondinacertainway.Whenyougethome,yoursonanticipatesahug.Notonlyishis internalworldprimedforreceivingthatlovinggesture,he’llevenmovehisarmsinanticipationwhenhehearsyourcarinthedriveway.Ashegets older, priming will continue to operate with more complexbehaviors.Afewyearslater,ifapianoteacherfrequentlycriticizeshis playing, he may create a mental model that he doesn’t likepiano, or even that he’s notmusical. Amore extreme version ofthisprocessoccursinthecaseofpost-traumaticstressdisorder,orPTSD, where an implicit memory of a disturbing experiencebecomesencodedinaperson’sbrain,andasoundorimagetriggersthat memory without the person even realizing it’s a memory.Implicitmemory is essentially anevolutionaryprocess thatkeepsussafeandoutofdanger.Itfreesustobeabletoreactquickly,orevenautomateourresponsesinmomentsofdangerwithouthavingtoactivelyorintentionallyrecallprevioussimilarexperiences.Whatallthismeansforusasparentsisthatwhenourkidsseemtobereactinginunusuallyunreasonableways,weneedtoconsiderwhether an implicitmemoryhas createdamentalmodel thatweneedtohelpthemexplore.ThisiswhatTinadidforhersonwhenshetuckedhimintobedandtalkedwithhimabouttheswimminglessons.Theirconversationwentsomethinglikethis:

TINA: Canyoutellmeanythingaboutwhat’sgoingonwiththeswimming?

SON: Idon’tknow,Mom.Ijustdon’twanttodoit.

TINA: Areyouafraidofsomething?

SON: Iguess.I’vejustgotallofthesebutterfliesinmystomach.

TINA:Solet’stalkaboutthosebutterflies.Didyouknowthatyourbrainremembersthingsevenwhenyoudon’tknowyou’reremembering?

SON: Idon’tgetit.

TINA:OK.Letmesayitadifferentway.Doyourememberyouhadabadexperiencewithswimlessonsbefore?

SON: Ohyeah.

TINA: Doyourememberthatplacewewent?

SON: Theyweresohardonusthere.

TINA: Thoseweresomeprettystrictteachers.

SON:Theymademegooffthedivingboard.Andtheydunkedmyheadandmademeholdmybreathforalongtime.

TINA:Itwasalongtime,wasn’tit?Andyouknowwhat?Ithinkthathasalottodowithwhyyoudon’twanttogotoswimlessonsnow.

SON: Youdo?

Yes.Doyouknowthatlotsoftimeswhenyoudothings,

TINA:

whethertheyaregoodorbad,yourbrainandbodyrememberthem?SowhenIsay“DodgerStadium”…You’resmiling!Doyoufeelwhat’sgoingoninsideyounow?Whatareyourbrainandbodysaying?Howdoyoufeel?

SON: Excited?

TINA:Yes.Icanseethatonyourface.Anddoyoufeelbutterfliesinyourstomach?

SON: Noway.

TINA:AndwhataboutwhenIsay“swimminglessons”?Doesthatchangehowyoufeel?

SON: Uh-huh.

TINA: Andthebutterfliesareback?

SON: Right.Idon’twanttogo.

TINA:

Buthere’swhatIthinkisgoingon.Yourbrainisamazing.Andoneofitsimportantjobsistokeepyousafe.See,yourbrainisalwayscheckingthingsoutandsaying,“Thisisgood”or“Thisisbad.”SowhenIsay“DodgerStadium,”yourbrainsays,“Good!Let’sgo!That’safunplace.”ButwhenIsay“Swimminglessons,”yourbrainsays,“Badidea.Don’tgo!”

SON: Exactly.

TINA:

AndthereasonyourbraingetssoexcitedwhenIsay“DodgerStadium”isbecauseyou’vehadgoodexperiencesthere.Youprobablydon’tremembereverydetailofeverygame,butstill,youjusthaveagoodoverallfeelingaboutit.

You can seehowTina introduced this issue, just settingup theconceptthatcertainmemoriescana ectuswithoutourawarenessthatsomethingiscomingfromthepast.Youcanalsoprobablyseewhyhersonwasnervousaboutswimminglessons.Andoneofthebiggestproblemswasthathehadnoideawhyhewasnervous.Heknew only that he didn’t want to go. But when Tina explainedwhere his feelingswere coming from, he began to develop someawarenessthatlethimtakecontroloverwhatwashappeninginhisbrain,sohecouldbegintoreframehisexperiencesandhisfeelings.They talked some more, then Tina introduced him to somepracticaltoolshecouldusewhenhestartedfeelingnervousaboutswimminglessons—someoftheverytoolswe’lldiscusswithyouinafewpages.Here’showtheendoftheconversationwent.

TINA:OK,sonowyouknowthatthereasonforyourfearisthatyouhadbadexperiencesbefore.

SON: Yeah,Iguess.

Butyou’reolderandwisernow,andyoucanthinkaboutswimminginwholenewways.Solet’sdoacoupleofthingstohelpyoufeelbetter.Oneistostartthinkingabout

TINA: allthememoriesyouhaveofswimmingthathavebeenreallyfunandgood.Canyouthinkofagoodswimmingexperience?

SON: Sure,whenIwasswimmingwithHenrylastweek.

TINA: Right.Good.Andyoucanalsotalktoyourbrain.

SON: Huh?

TINA:

Seriously.Infact,thisisoneofthebestthingsyoucando.Youcansay,“Brain,thanksfortryingtokeepmesafeandprotectme,butIdon’tneedtobeafraidofswimminganymore.Thesearenewlessonswithanewteacher,anewpool,andI’manewkidwhoalreadyknowshowtoswim.So,brain,I’mjustgoingtoblowoutthebutterfliesfrommystomachwithsomebig,slowbreaths,likethis.AndI’mgoingtofocusonthegoodstuffaboutswimming.”Doesthatseemweird,totalktoyourbrainlikethat?

SON: Kindof.

TINA:

Iknow,it’sfunnyandkindofstrange.Butdoyouseehowitcouldwork?What’ssomethingyoucouldtellyourbraintomakeyourbodycalmdownandmakeyoufeelsaferandfeelgoodaboutgoingtoswimminglessons?Whatcouldyousayinyourmind?

SON: Thosebadswimminglessonswerejustinthepast.Now

thisisanewswimlesson,andIalreadylikeswimming.

TINA:Exactly.Becausehowdoyoufeelaboutswimmingingeneral?

SON: Great.

TINA:

Great.Andnowlet’sdoonemorething.What’ssomethingyoucoulddoorsaytoyourbrainifyoustartfeelingnervousagainwhenwefirstgettoswimminglessons?Likeacodetohelpremindyourselfthatthesefeelingsarefromthepast?

SON: Idon’tknow.Killthebutterflies?

TINA:Becausethebutterfliesarefromalongtimeagoandyoudon’tneedtheminyourstomachanymore,right?

SON: Right.

TINA:Iloveit.AndI’mgladyou’relaughingaboutitnow.Butcouldwecomeupwithalessviolentcode?Howabout“Liberatethebutterflies”or“Freethebutterflies”?

SON: Ikindoflike“kill.”

TINA: OK.“Killthebutterflies”itis.

NoticethatthemainthingTinadidherewastotellthestoryofwhere her son’s fears came from. She used narrative to help hisimplicit memories become explicit and full of meaning, so theywouldn’t act on him with such hidden power. Once his implicitmemories about the unpleasant swimming lessons were brought

into the light of awareness, he could pretty easily deal with hispresent-day fears. It’s in this transformation—from implicit toexplicit—thattherealpowerofintegratingmemorybringsinsight,understanding,andevenhealing.

INTEGRATINGIMPLICITANDEXPLICIT:ASSEMBLINGTHEPUZZLEPIECESOFTHEMIND

Implicitmemories are often positive andwork in our favor, likewhen we fully expect to be loved by those around us simplybecausewe’ve always been loved. Ifwe count on our parents tocomfort us when we’re hurting, since they’ve always done sobefore, that’s because a host of positive implicit memories havebeenstoredupwithinus.Butimplicitmemoriescanbenegativeaswell, likewhenwe’ve repeatedly had the opposite experience ofour parents being irritated by or uninterested in our times ofdistress.Theproblemwithanimplicitmemory,especiallyofapainfulornegativeexperience,isthatwhenwearen’tawareofit,itbecomesaburied landmine that can limitus in signi cantand sometimesdebilitating ways. The brain remembers many events whetherwe’reawareofthemornot,sowhenwehavedi cultexperiences—anythingfromatwistedankletothedeathofsomeonewelove—thesepainfulmoments get embedded in thebrain andbegin toa ectus.Eventhoughwe’renotawareoftheiroriginsinthepast,implicit memories can still create fear, avoidance,sadness, andother painful emotions and bodily sensations. That helps explainwhychildren (aswell asadults)often react strongly to situationswithout being aware of why they are so upset. Unless kids canmake senseof theirpainfulmemories, theymayexperience sleepdisturbances,debilitatingphobias,andotherproblems.

Sohowdowehelpourchildrenwhenthey’resu eringfromthee ects of past negative experiences? We shine the light ofawareness on those implicit memories, making them explicit sothatourchildcanbecomeawareofthemanddealwiththeminanintentional way. Sometimes parents hope that their children will“just forget about” painful experiences they’ve undergone, butwhatkidsreallyneedisforparentstoteachthemhealthywaystointegrate implicit and explicit memories, turning even painfulexperiencesintosourcesofpowerandself-understanding.There’sapartofourbrainwhoseveryjobistodojustthat:tointegrateour implicitandexplicitmemories,sothatwecanmorefully understand the world and ourselves. It’s called thehippocampus, and it can be considered the “search engine” ofmemoryretrieval.Thehippocampusworkswithdi erentpartsofour brain to take all of the images, emotions, and sensations ofimplicitmemoryanddrawthemtogethersothattheycanbecomethe assembled “pictures” thatmakeup our explicit understandingofourpastexperiences.Thinkofthehippocampusasamasterpuzzleassemblerthatlinkstogether the jigsaw pieces of implicitmemory.When the imagesand sensations of experience remain in implicit-only form, whenthey haven’t been integrated by the hippocampus, they exist inisolationfromoneanotherasajumbledmessinourbrain.Insteadofhavingaclearandwholepicture,acompletedjigsawpuzzle,ourimplicit memories remain scattered puzzle pieces. We thereforelack clarity about our own unfolding narrative, which explicitlyde nes who we are.What’s worse, these implicit-onlymemoriescontinuetoshapethewaywelookatandinteractwithourhere-and-nowreality.Theya ectthesenseofwhowearefrommomenttomoment—allwithout our even being aware that they are a ectingthewayweinteractwithourworld.It’s crucial, therefore, that we assemble these implicit puzzle

pieces into explicit form in order to be able to re ect on theirimpact on our lives. That’swhere the hippocampus comes in. Byperforming the important function of integrating implicit andexplicitmemories,itallowsustobecometheactiveauthorsofourown life stories. When Tina talked to her son about his fearfulassociations with swim lessons, she was simply helping hishippocampus do its job. It didn’t take much for his implicitmemoriestobecomeexplicit,sothathecouldhandlehisfearandmake senseof bothhis painful experience in thepast andhow itwasstillaffectinghiminthepresent.Whenwedon’to eraplaceforchildrentoexpresstheirfeelingsand recall what happened after an overwhelming event, theirimplicit-onlymemories remain in dis-integrated form, leaving thechildrenwithnowaytomakesenseoftheirexperience.Butwhenwe help our kids integrate their past into their present, they canthenmake senseofwhat’s goingon inside themandgain controloverhowtheythinkandbehave.Themoreyoupromotethistypeof memory integration in your child, the less often you will seeirrational responses to what’s happening now that are reallyleftoverreactionsfromthepast.We’renot saying thatmemory integration is aparental cure-allthatwillpreventall outbursts and irrational reactions.But it is apowerfultool fordealingwithdi cultexperiencesfromthepast,andyou’llbegratefultoknowaboutitthenexttimeyourchildisstruggling for some unknown reason. Granted, when your ve-year-oldcan’t ndthetaillighttocompleteLukeSkywalker’slandcruiser and launches into an out-of-control yelling t about “thestupidLegostore,”thatmayhavenothingtodowithsomesortofGeorgeLucas–inspired implicitmemory. In fact, beforeyouover-analyzethesituation,HALTandcheckthebasics:isyourlittleJedisimplyhungry,angry,lonely,ortired?Ifso,theseproblemscanbexed pretty easily. Get him an apple. Listen to his feelings of

frustration. Spend a few minutes being with him, helping himlocatethemissingpiece.Puthimtobedearliersohecancatchupon his rest and handle himself better tomorrow. Often kids aredoingtheirbest;theyjustneedustoattendtotheirbasicneeds.Asyoulearnaboutthebrainandconsideralloftheinformationwe’reo eringhere, don’t forget about the simple and the obvious, thelittlethingsyoualreadyknow.Commonsensecantakeyoualongway.If,though,youdeterminethatsomethingbiggerisgoingon,thenit’sagoodideatothinkbacktoexperiencesinthepastthatmightbea ecting thepresentsituation.Youmaynotalwaysbeable totie your child’s reactivity to a speci c event in thepast, sodon’tforceaconnectionthat’snotthere.Butifyoufeelthatapreviousevent may be in uencing your child’s actions, here are somepracticalwaysyoucanarmhimwithtoolsthatwillhelpintegratehisimplicitandexplicitmemoriesandachievemorecontrolinthewayherespondstohispresentcircumstances.

WhatYouCanDo:HelpingYourChildIntegrateImplicitandExplicitMemories

Whole-BrainStrategy#6:UsetheRemoteoftheMind:ReplayingMemories

Onceagain,oneofthemoste ectivewaystopromoteintegrationis to tell stories. Inchapter2,we talkedabout the importanceofnarrativeinintegratingtheleftandrighthemispheres.Storytellingis also a powerful activity for integrating implicit and explicitmemories. But sometimes, if a child is feeling the e ects of anespeciallypainfulexperiencefromthepast,shemaynotbereadytoremembertheentireexperience.Inthatcase,youcanintroducehertoherinternalDVDplayer,whichcomeswitharemotecontrol

that letsher replay an experience inhermind. It can alsopause,rewind,andfast-forward.Justlikeyoumightfast-forwardthroughthescarypartsofamovieorrewindtowatchyourfavoritesceneagain,theremoteofthemindisatoolthatgivesyourchildsomecontrol while revisiting an unpleasant memory. Here’s how onefatherusedthistechnique.David’s ten-year-old son, Eli, surprised him by saying that hedidn’twant to raceaPinewoodDerby car this yearwithhisCubScouttroop.Davidwastakenaback,becauseoneofEli’shighlightsevery winter was working alongside his dad as they carved,shaped,andpaintedablockofpinewooduntil itwastransformedinto a sports car.After several conversations,David realized thatEliwas unwilling to go anywhere near the woodworking tools,especially the oneswith blades. From there itwas fairly easy tomake the connection between Eli’s new phobia and an episodefrommonthsearlier.Theprevioussummer,Elihadtakenhispocketknifetotheparkwithout his parents’ permission. He and his friend Ryan hadenjoyed cutting and whittling with the knife, until an accidentoccurred. While cutting a root, Ryan had sliced through it andjabbed the knife into his leg, leading to lots of blood and anambulanceridetotheemergencyroom.Afewstitcheslaterhewasneanddidn’tevenseemtootraumatizedbythewholeevent.ButEli was beyond distressed as he waited at his house, wonderingwhether Ryan was OK. A compassionate, responsible boy, Elicouldn’t getover the fact that itwashisknife, taken to theparkwithout permission, that had hurt his friend and caused somuchtrouble. The parents of the two boys got them together thatevening and let them talk throughwhat had happened, and bothapparently moved on. But now, months later, the memory wasclearlyworkingonEliagain,withouthisknowledge.Heapparentlyhad no awareness that he was afraid of the woodworking tools

becauseofwhathadhappenedwithRyanandtheknife.DaviddecidedtohelpElitakethatimplicitmemoryandmakeitexplicit.Hecalledhissonouttothegarage,wherehehadhistoolssetup.AssoonasElienteredthegarageandlookedattheelectricsaw,hiseyeswidenedandhisdadsawfearonhisface.Hetriedtoappearnormalashesaid,“Dad, Idon’twant todo thePinewoodDerbythisyear.”Davidrespondedinhismostnurturingvoice.“Iknow,son,andIalsothinkIknowwhy.”HetalkedtoEliabouttheconnectionbetweenthecarraceandtheknifeaccident,butEli resisted thisexplanation.Hesaid,“No,that’snotit.I’mjusttoobusywithschoolrightnow.”ButDavidpressedhim.“Iknowyou’rebusy,butIthinkthere’smoretoitthanthat.Let’sjusttalkagainaboutwhathappenedthatdayatthepark.”Eli’sfaceagainshowedfear.“Dad,thatwasalongtimeago.Wedon’thavetotalkaboutit.”David reassured him, then he taught him a powerful techniquefordealingwithpainfulmemories.He toldhis son, “I’mgoing totalkthroughthestory,justthewayyoutoldittomelastsummer.AndIwantyoutoimaginethestoryinyourhead,asifyouwerewatchingaDVDinsideyourbrain.”Eliinterrupted,“Dad,Ireallydon’twantto.”“Iknowyoudon’t,”Davidsaid.“Butthisiswherethegoodpartcomes in. I want you to imagine that you’re holding a remotecontrol, just like the one we use when we watch movies in thehouse. And when I get to a part of the story you don’t want tothink about, you just hit pause. When you say ‘Pause,’ I’ll stop.Thenwecanfast-forwardpastthatscene.Canwedothat?”Elisaidslowly,“OK”—thewaykidsdowhenthey’rerespondingtoarequesttheythinkiscrazy.Davidproceeded to tell thestory.He toldaboutEli’sarrivalat

thepark,aboutcuttingbarkwithRyan,andsoon.Whenhesaid,“ThenRyanpickeduparootandstartedtocutit,”Elibrokein.“Pause.”Hesaiditquietly,butwithplentyofforce.Davidsaid,“OK.Nowlet’sfast-forwardtothehospital.”“Farther.”“ToRyancominghome?”“Farther.”“Towhenhecameovertoourhousethatevening?”“OK.”David then narrated the happy reunion between the friends—how they had greeted each other, then disappeared to go playvideo games. David stressed that Ryan and his parents hademphasizedthattheyweren’tupsetwithEliandthattheyviewedthewholeepisodeasanaccident.Davidlookedathisson.“Sothat’sthestory,right?”“Yup.”“Exceptthere’sthatpieceweleftout.”“Iknow.”“Let’srewindandgobacktowherewepausedandlookatwhathappened.Andremember,we’vealreadyseenthatthestoryhasahappyending.”“OK.”

David tookEli through themorepainfulpartsof thenarrative,andattimesEliusedhispausebuttonagain.Eventuallytheymadeitthroughthestory,andindoingso,Elibegantoreleasehisfearsassociatedwith knives and cutting. By the time they returned tothe happy ending, David could see Eli’s muscles relax, and the

tension inhis voicehaddramaticallydecreased.Over the comingweekstheyhadtoreturntothestoryandretellit,andElistillfeltsomewhatnervousaroundknives,butwiththehelpofhis father,Eli’shippocampusintegratedhisimplicitmemoriesintohisexplicitawareness.Asaresult,Elicouldnowdealwiththeissuesthathadresurfaced.Heandhisdad thenbuilt oneof theirbestPinewoodDerby cars ever—andnamed it Fear Factor,writing thenameoneachsideofthecarinscary,Halloween-styleletters.Remember, your goal is to help your kids take the troublingexperiencesthatareimpactingthemwithouttheirknowledge—thescatteredpuzzlepiecesintheirmind—andmakethoseexperiencesexplicit so that thewhole picture in the puzzle can be seenwithclarity and meaning. By introducing them to the remote of themind, which controls their internal DVD player, you make thestorytellingprocessmuchlessscary,becauseyouo erthemsomecontrol overwhat they dealwith, so they can interactwith it attheirownpace.Theycanthenlookatanexperiencethatscared(orangeredor frustrated) themwithouthaving to immediatelyreliveitsceneforscene.

Whole-BrainStrategy#7:RemembertoRemember:MakingRecollectionaPartofYourFamily’sDailyLife

The act of remembering comes naturally for most people. Butmemory is like so many functions of the brain: the more weexerciseit,thestrongeritbecomes.Thatmeansthatwhenyougiveyourchildrenlotsofpracticeatremembering—byhavingthemtellandretelltheirownstories—youimprovetheirabilitytointegrateimplicitandexplicitmemories.So our second suggestion is simply that you remember to

remember.Duringyourvariousactivities,helpyourkidstalkabouttheir experiences, so they can integrate their implicit and explicitmemories.Thisisespeciallyimportantwhenitcomestothemostimportantandvaluablemomentsoftheirlives.Themoreyoucanhelpbringthosenoteworthymomentsintotheirexplicitmemory—such as family experiences, important friendships, or rites ofpassage—then the clearer and more in uential those experienceswillbe.There are plenty of practical ways to encourage your kids toremember. The most natural is to ask questions that lead torecollection. With very young children, keep things simple,focusingonreturningtheirattentiontothedetailsoftheirday.Didyou go to Carrie’s house today?What happened when we got there?Just recounting basic facts like this helps develop your child’smemory and prepares her for interacting with more signi cantmemoriesdowntheroad.Askidsgetolder,youcanbemorestrategicregardingwhatyoufocuson.Askaboutaproblemtheyhadwithafriendorteacher,apartytheywentto,orthedetailsfromlastnight’splayrehearsal.Orencouragethemtojournal.Studieshaveclearlyshownthatthevery act of recalling and expressing an event through journalingcan improve immuneandheart function, aswell as generalwell-being.Moretothepointhere,though,itgiveskidsachancetotelltheirstories,whichaids theminthemeaning-makingprocess thatimproves their ability to understand their past and presentexperiences.When we speak to parents about memory integration andencouragethemtohelptheirkidstalkabouttheirexperiences,onequestion inevitablycomesup:Whatif theywon’t talk? OrWhat if Iaskabouttheartclass,andall theysayis,“ItwasOK”?Ifyouhavetroubledrawingoutsomemeatydetailsaboutyourchild’slife,becreative.Onetrickforyoungerschool-agekidsistoplayaguessing

game when you pick them up from school. Say, “Tell me twothingsthatreallyhappenedtoday,andonethingthatdidn’t.ThenI’llguesswhichtwoaretrue.”Thegamemaylackacertainamountof challenge for you—especially when your choices include “Ms.Derrick read us a story,” “Me and Nico spied on the girls,” and“Captain Hook capturedme and fedme to the alligator”—but itcanquicklybecomea fungame thatkids look forward to. Itwillnotonlyopenuptheirlivestoyou,sinceyougettohearabouttwooftheirmemoriesfromschooleachday,butitcanalsohelpthemgetusedtothinkingbackandreflectingontheeventsoftheirdays.

Anothermomwhohad recently divorcedwanted tomake surethat she stayed emotionally connected to her daughters as theywent through that di cult period. So she began the ritual ofasking, as they ate dinner together each evening, “Tellme aboutyourday.Givemeonehighpoint,one lowpoint,andoneactof

kindness you performed for someone.” Again, activities andquestions like thesenotonlyencouragerecollectionbutalsopushchildren to think more deeply about their own emotions andactions, about sharing their days with someone, and about howtheycanhelpothers.For speci c events you want your child to think more about,lookatphotoalbumsandwatcholdvideos.Onegreatwaytohelpthem focus in more depth is to design and illustrate a “memorybook”with your child. For example,when your daughter returnsfromher rstsleepawaycamp,youcancollectthelettersshesenthome,piecesofmemorabilia,andthephotosshetook,andcreateamemorybookwithher.Shecanwritelittlestoriesandnotesinthemargins:“Thiswasmycabin,”or“Thiswasaftertheshaving-creamght.”Creatingabook like thispromptsyourdaughter’smemoryabout someof thedetails shemightotherwise lose in thecomingmonths andyears,while also givingher the opportunity to sharewithyoumoreaboutthisimportanteventinherlife.Simplybyaskingquestionsandencouragingrecollection,youcanhelp your kids remember and understand important events fromthepast,whichwillhelpthembetterunderstandwhat’shappeningtotheminthepresent.

Whole-BrainKids:TeachYourKidsAboutMakingTheirImplicitMemoriesExplicit

We’ve given you several examples of how to talk to your kidsaboutimplicitandexplicitmemories.Ifyounoticethatyourchildisstrugglingasaresultofapastexperience,oneofthebestthingsyoucando is to talk tohimandhelphimretell thestoryof thatexperience.But itcanalsobehelpful toexplainwhat’shappening

in the brain when a past experience begins to control presentbehaviorsandfeelings.Youmightexplainitlikethis:

Integrating Ourselves:Moving Our OwnMemories fromImplicittoExplicit

Kidsaren’ttheonlyoneswhosememoriescanintrudeontheirliveswhentheydon’tevenknowit. Ithappens,ofcourse,toparents as well. Implicit memories in uence our behaviors,emotions, perceptions, and even physical sensations, andwecanremaincompletelyignorantofthepast’sin uenceonusinthepresentmoment.Danexperiencedthis rsthandasanewparent:

Whenmysonwas rstbornIwouldcomeungluedwhenhe cried inconsolably. I know a baby’s cry is hard foranyone tohear, but I just couldn’t take it. Panicwouldset in, and I’d become lled with dread and terror. Iexplored theory after theory for my intense andseeminglyunwarranted reaction,butnoneof themrangtrue.Thenonedaymysonbegantocryandanimagecametomymind. Itwasa smallboyonanexamining table,screaming, with a look of terror on his scrunched-up,reddenedface.Iwasnexttohim,andmyjob,asayoungpediatric intern at the UCLA Medical Center, was todrawbloodfromhimsowecould gureoutwhyhehadsuch a high fever. My pediatric partner and I had torelivethishorrorwithchildafterchild,oneofusholdingthesyringe,theotherholdingdownthescreamingchild.I hadn’t thought about my pediatrics internship inyears. I remembered it as a good year overall, and Irecalledbeinggladwhenitwasover.Butthemiddle-of-the-night cries of my six-month-old son triggered myashbacktothisscene,andoverthedaysthatfollowed,I began to understand the connection. I thought a lot

about those memories and talked to a few friends andcolleaguesaboutmyexperience. Itbegan tobe clear tome that this trauma from years earlier had remainedimplicitandwassurfacingexplicitlyonlynow.IrealizedthatIhadcompletedmyyearlonginternshipandmovedontothenextphaseofmylife,neverhavingconsciouslyre ected on my painful experiences. I never processedthem in away thatwouldmake them readily availableforlaterexplicitretrieval.Years later, then, as a young parent, I went throughthepainfulself-re ectionthatallowedmetoseethisasanunresolvedissueinmyself,andIwasabletohearmyson’s cries forwhat theywere,without all the baggagefromthepast.

Unexamined(ordis-integrated)memoriescauseallkindsofproblemsforanyadulttryingtoliveahealthy,relationallife.But for parents, these hiddenmemories are especiallydangerous, for two main reasons. First of all, even whenthey’re very young, our kids can pick up on our feelings ofdreadordistressorinadequacy,evenifwedon’trealizewe’reexperiencing them. And when a parent is upset, it’s verydi cultforachildtoremaincalmandhappy.Second,implicitmemoriescantriggerresponsesfromusthatcauseustoactinways we don’t want to. Old feelings of being left out,abandoned,orputdown,byothersorbyourownparents,cankeep us from beingmature, loving, and respectful whenweinteractwithourkids.Sothenexttimeyou ndyourselfreactingabittoostrongly

when you’re upset with your kids, ask yourself, “Is myresponseheremakingsense?”Theanswermaybe,“Yes.Thebaby’sscreaming,mythree-year-oldjustpaintedtheovenblue,andallmyeight-year-oldis doing in response is turning up the TV. It makes perfectsense that I feel like throwing something through thewindow!”At other times, though, the answer may be, “No, thesefeelingsdon’tmakesense.There’snoreasonformetotakeitpersonally that my daughter wants Daddy to read to hertonightinsteadofme.Idon’tneedtobethisupset.”Basedonwhat you now know about implicit memory, an insight likethis is an opportunity to look deeper. If you’re reacting inways you can’t explain or justify, it’s probably time to ask,“What’s going on here? Is this reminding me of something?Andwhereintheworldaremyfeelingsandbehaviorcomingfrom?”(We’lltalkmoreaboutthisprocessinthe“IntegratingOurselves” section ofchapter 6. Also, we recommend Dan’sbookParentingfromtheInsideOut,writtenwithMaryHartzell,asagreatplacetobeginthisjourneyofexploration.)By integrating your implicit and explicit memories andshiningthelightofawarenessondi cultmomentsfromyourpast,youcangaininsightintohowyourpastisimpactingyourrelationshipwithyourchildren.Youcanremainwatchful forhowyourissuesarea ectingyourownmoodaswellashowyour kids feel. When you feel incompetent, frustrated, oroverly reactive,youcan lookatwhat’sbehind those feelingsandexplorewhethertheyareconnectedtosomethinginyourpast. Then you can bring your former experiences into the

present and weave them into the larger story of your life.Whenyoudo that, you canbe free to be the kindof parentyouwanttobe.Youcanmakesenseofyourownlife,whichwillhelpyourkidsdothesamewiththeirs.

CHAPTER5

TheUnitedStatesofMeIntegratingtheManyPartsoftheSelf

“IsthereanythingJoshcan’tdo?”This was the question other parents asked Amber about herbright and talented eleven-year-old. Josh seemed to excel ateverything—school, sports, music, and social activities—and hisfriendsandtheirparentsmarveledathisabilities.Amber, however, knew that no matter how much success heachieved, Josh struggled with serious doubts about his own self-worth.Asa result,he felt anoverpoweringneed tobeperfect ateverything he attempted. This perfectionism left him believingthat,despitehismanysuccesses,nothinghedidwasgoodenough.He beat himself up emotionally whenever he made a mistake,whetheritwasmissingashotinabasketballgameorforgettinghislunchboxatschool.EventuallyAmbertookJoshtoseeTina,whosoonlearnedthathisparentshaddivorcedwhenhewasaninfantandhisfatherhaddisappeared,leavinghimtoberaisedbyhismother.Overtime,itbecameapparentthatJoshblamedhimselfforhisfather’sabsence,believing thathehad somehowcausedhisdad to leave,andnowhe did everythingwithin his power to avoidmakingmistakes ofany kind. Josh’s implicit memory had equated not beingperfectwith abandonment. As a result, the thoughts running through hisheadonadailybasis—“I should’vedonebetter”; “I’m so stupid”;“Why did I do that?”—were keeping him from being a happy,carefreeeleven-year-old.Tina began working with Josh on paying attention to those

thoughts in his mind. Some were fueled by deeply embeddedimplicitmemories that requiredan in-depthapproach forhealing.But she also helped him understand the power of his mind, andhowbydirectinghisattention,hecouldtakecontroland,toagreatextent,actuallychoosehowhefelt,andhowhewantedtorespondtodi erentsituations.ForJosh,thebreakthroughcamewhenTinaintroducedhimtotheideaofmindsight.

MINDSIGHTANDTHEWHEELOFAWARENESS

Dancoinedtheterm“mindsight,”andasheexplainsinhisbookofthesamename,thesimplestmeaningofthewordcomesdowntotwothings:understandingourownmindaswellasunderstandingthemindof another.Connectingwith otherswill be the focus ofthenextchapter.Fornow,though,let’sfocusonthe rstaspectofthe mindsight approach, understanding our own mind. After all,that’s where mental health and well-being begin, with achievingclarity and insight into our own individualmind. That’s the ideaTina began teaching Josh about. She introduced him to a modelthatDancreated,thewheelofawareness.Thebasicconcept,asyoucanseefromthediagramonthispage,isthatourmindcanbepicturedasabicyclewheel,withahubatthe center and spokes radiating toward the outer rim. The rimrepresentsanythingwecanpayattention toorbecomeawareof:our thoughtsand feelings,ourdreamsanddesires,ourmemories,ourperceptionsoftheoutsideworld,andthesensationsfromourbody.Thehub is the innerplaceof themind fromwhichwebecomeaware of all that’s happening around andwithin us. It’s basicallyourprefrontalcortex,whichyou’llrememberhelpstointegratethewholebrain.Thehubrepresentspartofwhat’scalledtheexecutive

brain,becauseit’sfromthisplacethatwemakeourbestdecisions;it’s also thepart of thebrain that allowsus to connectdeeply toothers and to ourselves. Our awareness resides in the hub, andfrom herewe can focus on the various points on the rim of ourwheel.

The wheel-of-awareness model was immediately powerful forJosh since itallowedhim to recognize that thedi erent thoughts

and feelings giving him so much trouble were simply di erentaspectsofhimself.Theywerejustafewparticularrimpointsonhiswheel,andhedidn’thavetogivethemsomuchattention.(SeethediagramofJosh’spersonalwheelofawarenessonthispage.)Tinahelped him see that each set of rim points he focused ondeterminedhisstateofmindatanygivenmoment.Inotherwords,his anxious and fearful stateofmind cameaboutbecausehewasfocusingonasetofanxiety-producingrimpoints—likehisdreadofreceivingaBonhishomework,orhisworriesaboutforgettingthenotes during his band solo. Even the physical sensations heexperienced,theanxiousknotinhisstomachandthetensioninhisshoulders, were rim points that kept him focused on his fear offailure.

Mindsight lethimseewhatwashappening inhisownmind, sohe could understand thathewas the one giving all this time andenergytotheserimpoints,andthatifhewanted,hecouldreturntohishub,wherehecouldseethebigpictureandfocusonotherrimpointsinstead.Thosefearsandworrieswerede nitelypartofhim, but they didn’t represent the totality of his being. Instead,from his hub at the center of the wheel, which was the mostthoughtfulandobjectivepartofhimself,hecouldchoosehowmuchattention to give them, as well as which other rim points he

wantedtofocuson.AsTinaexplained tohim, ingivingallofhisattention to thesefewfearfulrimpoints,Joshwasexcludingmanyotherrimpointshecouldintegrateintohisperspectiveontheworld.Thatlefthimspending all of his timeworking and studying and practicing andworrying, when he could have been paying attention to other,more productive rim points, like his con dence in his musicalability,hisbeliefthathewassmart,andhisdesiretojustrelaxandhavefunfromtimetotime.TinaexplainedtoJoshtheimportanceof integrating thedi erentpartsofhimself, theuniqueaspectsofwhoheis,sothatafewofthemdidn’tcompletelydominateallofthe others. Itwas ne, she told him, to pay attention to the rimpointsthatpushedhimtoachieveandexcel.Theseweregoodandeven healthy parts of himself. But those points needed to beintegratedwiththeotherssothathedidn’tforsaketheotherpartsofhimself,whichwerealsogoodandhealthy.SoJoshstartedworkingondirectinghisfocustowardpointsthatdidn’t necessarily lead to perfectionism. He began paying specialattentiontothepartofhimselfthatlovesjusthangingoutwithhisfriendsafterschool,evenifthatmeantgivingupsomestudytime.Hefocusedonhisnewlyformedbeliefthathedidn’thavetobetheleading scorer ineverygame.Andheusedhis self-talk to remindhimself how good he feels when he plays his saxophone just forpleasure,notworryingabouthittingeverynoteperfectly.Hedidn’thavetostopwantingtoachieveandsucceed.Hejustneededtoputthoserimpointsintocontextwiththeothers,tointegratethemsothattheywerejustafewvariouspartsofamuchgreaterwhole,amuch bigger Josh than the one who would criticize himself foreverylittlemistake.Learningaboutmindsightandthewheelofawarenessdidn’t,ofcourse, immediately alleviate Josh’s drive toward perfectionism.But it did help him begin to accept that he didn’t have to stay

miserable.Hesawthathecouldmakechoicestoimprovedi cultcircumstancesbymakingdecisionsthatlittlebylittleallowedhimto takecontrolofhowheexperiencedandresponded todi erentsituations.(HeandTinadidhavetolaughtogether,though,whenhebegantofeelfrustratedwithhimselfwhenhewasn’tperfectatworryinglessaboutbeingperfect.)

STUCKONTHERIM:DISTINGUISHINGBETWEEN“FEEL”AND“AM”

Josh’s su ering was a result of being “stuck on the rim” of thewheelofawareness.Ratherthanperceivinghisworldfromhishubandintegratinghismanyrimpoints,hedirectedallofhisattentiontowardjustafewparticularrimpointsthatcreatedananxiousandcritical stateofmind.Asa result,he lost touchwithmanyof theother parts of the rim that could help him experience a morepeaceful and accepting state ofmind.This iswhat happenswhenkids aren’t working from an integratedwheel of awareness. Justlikeadults,theycanbecomestuckoncertainrimpoints,ononeora few particular aspects of their being, which often leads toexperiencingrigidityorchaos.This leaves them confusing the di erence between “feel” and“am.”Whenchildrenexperienceaparticularstateofmind,suchasfeeling frustrated or lonely, they may be tempted to de nethemselves based on that temporary experience, as opposed tounderstanding that that’s simply how they feelat the moment.Insteadofsaying,“Ifeellonely”or“Ifeelsadrightnow,”theysay,“Iamlonely”or“Iamsad.”Thedangeristhatthetemporarystateofmind can be perceived as a permanent part of their self. Thestatecomestobeseenasatraitthatdefineswhotheyare.Imagine,forinstance,anine-year-oldwhoisstrugglingwithher

homework,eventhoughschoolusuallycomesfairlyeasily toher.Unless she integrates her feelings of frustration and inadequacywiththeotherpartsofherself—realizingthatoneemotionisjustapart of a largerwholeofwho she is—shemightbegin to lookatthismomentarystateasamorepermanenttraitorcharacteristicofher personality. She might say something like, “I’m so stupid.Homeworkistoohardforme.I’llnevergetitright.”But if her parents can help her integrate the many parts ofherself, recognizing the various rimpoints on herwheel, she canavoididentifyingsolelywiththisoneparticularfeelinginthisoneparticularmoment. She can develop themindsight to realize thatshe’s frustrated about struggling in this moment, but it doesn’tmeanthatshe’sdumborthatshe’llalwayshavetrouble.Fromthehubofhermind,shecannoticevariousrimpointsandrealizethateventhoughshe’sstrugglingatthemoment,shehasdemonstratedin the past that she can usually handle homework without thismuchtrouble.Shemightevenusesomehealthyself-talk,sayingtoherself, “Ihate thishomework! It’sdrivingmecrazy!But IknowI’msmart.It’sjustthatthisassignmentisreallyhard.”Thesimpleactofacknowledgingdi erentpointsalongtherimcantakeheralongwaytowardgainingcontrolandshiftinghernegativefeelings.Shemaystillfeeldumb,butwithherparents’helpandwithsomepractice, she’ll be able to avoid seeing that temporary state as apermanent,self-definingtrait.This is one of the best things the wheel of awareness does: itteacheskids that theyhavechoicesaboutwhat theyfocusonandwheretheyplacetheirattention.Itgivesthematoolthatletsthemintegrate the di erent parts of themselves, so they aren’t heldhostage by one negative constellation of feelings or thoughtsclamoring for their attention.When children (andadults, for thatmatter) can develop this type of mindsight, they becomeempowered to make choices that allow them to manage their

experiencesaswellashowtheyrespondtotheirworld.Overtime,withpractice,theylearntodirecttheirattentioninwaysthataremosthelpfultothemselvesandtothosearoundthem,evenduringdifficultmoments.

THEPOWEROFFOCUSEDATTENTION

Tounderstandwhymindsighto erssuchempoweringchoices,it’shelpful to understand what happens in the brain when a personconcentratesononeparticularsetofrimpoints.Aswe’vediscussedalready, the brain physically changes in response to newexperiences.Withintentionande ort,wecanacquirenewmentalskills.What’smore,whenwe direct our attention in a newway,weareactuallycreatinganewexperiencethatcanchangeboththeactivityandultimatelythestructureofthebrainitself.Here’s how it works. When we have a new experience orconcentrateonsomething—say,onhowwefeeloragoalwe’dliketo achieve—that activates neural ring. In other words, neurons(ourbraincells) spring intoaction.Thisneural ring leads to theproduction of proteins that enable new connections to be wiredamong the activated neurons. Remember, neurons that retogetherwiretogether.Thisentireprocess—fromneuralactivationto neural growth and strengthened connections—isneuroplasticity.Essentially, it means that the brain itself is plastic, or changing,basedonwhatweexperience,andwhatwegiveourattentionto.Andthesenewneuralconnections,createdwhenwepayattentiontosomething,inturnalterthewaywerespondtoandinteractwithourworld.Thisishowpracticecanbecomeaskillandhowastatecanbecomeatrait,forgoodorforbad.There’s a lot of scienti c evidence demonstrating that focusedattentionleadstothereshapingofthebrain.Inanimalsrewarded

fornoticingsound(tohuntortoavoidbeinghunted,forexample),we nd much larger auditory centers in the brain. In animalsrewardedforsharpeyesight,thevisualareasarelarger.Brainscansofviolinistsprovidemoreevidence,showingdramaticgrowthandexpansion in regions of the cortex that represent the left hand,whichhasto ngerthestringsprecisely,oftenatveryhighspeed.Otherstudieshaveshownthatthehippocampus,whichisvitalforspatialmemory, is enlarged in taxi drivers. The point is that thephysical architecture of the brain changes according towherewedirectourattentionandwhatwepracticedoing.Werecently sawthisprincipleatwork inJason,a six-year-old.At times Jason would obsess about irrational fears, and it wasdriving his parents crazy. Eventually he began having troublesleeping because he was afraid the ceiling fan in his bedroomwould come crashing down on him. His parents had repeatedlyshown him how securely the fan was attached and logicallyexplained how safe hewas in his bed. But the thoughts fromhisrational, logical upstairs brainwere being hijacked each night bythe fears in his downstairs brain. He would lie awake long pastbedtimeworryingwhatwouldhappenifthescrewscamelooseandthe twirling blades descended on him, chopping into pieces hisbody,hisbed,andhisDarthVadersheets.

Once his parents learned about mindsight and explained thewheelofawarenesstohim,Jasonsuddenlyhadavaluabletoolthato eredreliefnotonlytohimselfbutalsotohiswholefamily.Hesawthat,likeJosh,hehadbecomestuckonhisrim, xatingonhisfearofwhatmighthappeniftheceilingfanfell.Hisparentshelpedhim get back to his hub where he could recognize the physicalsensations that signaled that this obsession was creeping into hismind—the anxious feelings in his chest, the tension in his arms,

legs, and face—so he could then direct his attention towardsomethingthatwouldrelaxhim.Thenhecouldtakethenextstepsto bring together the di erent parts of himself. He could thinkabout other rim points: his con dence that his parents wouldprotecthimandwouldneverlethimsleepbeneathafanthatmightfall andhurthim,orhismemoryofhowmuch funhe’dhad thatdaydiggingthehugeholeinthebackyard.Orhecouldfocusonthetension he felt in his body and use some guided imagery to helphimselfrelax.Jasonlovesto sh,sohelearnedtopicturehimselfinaboatwithhisfather.(We’llsaymoreaboutthistechniqueinaminute.)Again, itall comesback toawareness.Bybecomingaware thathewasstuckononepartoftherimofhiswheel,andrealizingthathe had other options regarding where he directed hisconcentration, Jason learned to shift his focus and therefore hismentalstate.Thatmeanthecouldthenmakedecisionsthatmadelifemucheasierforbothhimselfandhisfamily.Theyallsurvivedthisdifficultphasewithouthavingtoremovetheceilingfan.But once again, integration led not only to surviving, but tothriving aswell.Mindsightwasn’t just a Band-Aid for Jason thathelped him and his parents deal with one particular di cultnighttime obstacle. It also produced a more fundamental changethat will create bene ts long into adulthood. In other words,learning to use the wheel of awareness and change where hisattentionwasdirectednaturally changedJason’sperspective—butit didmuchmore than that.As Jason, even at such a youngage,understoodthisprincipleandpracticedconcentratingonotherrimpoints, theneurons inhisbrain red innewwaysandmadenewconnections.Thesenew ringsandwiringschangedthemakeupofhis brain and left him less vulnerable not only to this particularfear and this particular obsession, but to future fears andobsessions as well—like when he felt petri ed about singing

onstage for the holiday concert at his school, and nervous aboutgoing on a sleepover at his friend’s house.Mindsight, alongwiththeawareness it brought, actually changedJason’sbrain.Becauseof his nature, hemay continue to deal with certain worries thatcomewithhispersonality.Butfortherestofhislife,he’llreapthebene t of thiswhole-brainwork he’s done as a young child, andhe’ll have at his disposal a powerful tool for dealing with otherfearsandobsessions.As Jason’s mother and father found out, mindsight can be athrillingdiscoveryforparents,especiallywhentheyseethepowerof integration at work in their child’s life. It’s very exciting tounderstand (and to teachour kids) thatwe canuse ourminds totake control of our lives. By directing our attention, we can gofrombeinginfluencedbyfactorswithinandaroundustoinfluencingthem. When we become aware of the multitude of changingemotions and forces at work around us and within us, we canacknowledgethemandevenembracethemaspartsofourselves—butwedon’thavetoallowthemtobullyusorde neus.Wecanshiftour focus toother rimpointson thewheelofawareness, sothat we are no longer victims of forces seemingly beyond ourcontrol, but active participants in the process of deciding andaffectinghowwethinkandfeel.Whatanamazingpowertobestowonyourchildren!Whentheyunderstandsomebasicmindsightprinciples—andkidscanoftengetthe wheel of awareness idea at a very young age, even at thebeginning of elementary school—they are empowered to morefullyregulatetheirownbodiesandmindsandactuallychangetheway they experience di erent life situations. Their downstairsbrain and implicit memories will control them less, and theirmindsight will help them live full and healthy lives from anintegratedbrain.Butwhat ifchildrengetstuckontherimandcan’t seemtoget

backtotheirhub?Inotherwords,whatiftheycan’tseemtobringtogether the di erent parts of themselves because they are soxatedononeparticularstateofmind?Asparents,weknowthatthis“stuckness”happensallthetime.JustthinkaboutJoshandhisperfectionism. Even once he understands about the wheel ofawarenessandthedi erentpartsofhimself,hisneedtoexcelmaystilloverpowerhimattimes.ThesamegoesforJasonandhisfearof the ceiling fan. An awareness of mindsight and the wheel ofawareness can be very powerful, but that doesn’tmean kids caneasily switch the focus of their attention onto another rim pointandmoveonwiththeirlives.Sohowcanwehelpourkidsincreasinglyintegratethedi erentparts of themselves and become unstuck on rim points that arelimiting them?Howcanwehelp themdevelopmindsight so theycanmore andmore access its power to control their own lives?Let’s talk about a fewways you can introducemindsight to yourkidsandhelpthembuildskillstheycanuseonadailybasis.

WhatYouCanDo:IntroducingYourChildtothePowerofMindsight

Whole-BrainStrategy#8:LettheCloudsofEmotionsRollBy:TeachingThatFeelingsComeandGo

Aswe’vesaidrepeatedlyinourjourneythroughthisbook,it’sveryimportant thatkids learnaboutandunderstandtheir feelings.Butit’salsotruethatfeelingsneedtoberecognizedforwhattheyare:temporary,changingconditions.Theyarestates,nottraits.They’relike the weather. Rain is real, andwe’d be foolish to stand in adownpourandactasifitweren’tactuallyraining.Butwe’dbejustasfoolishtoexpectthatthesunwillneverreappear.

We need to help children understand that the clouds of theiremotionscan(andwill)rollonby.Theywon’tfeelsadorangryorhurt or lonely forever. This is a di cult concept for kids tounderstand at rst. When they hurt or when they’re scared, it’ssometimeshardforthemtoimaginethattheywon’talways su er.Taking the long view isn’t usually that easy even for an adult,muchlessayoungchild.Sowehavetohelpthemunderstandthatfeelingsaretemporary—onaverage,anemotioncomesandgoesinninetyseconds.Ifwecan communicate to our children how eetingmost feelings are,thenwecanhelpthemdevelopthemindsightondisplayintheboywe mentioned earlier who corrected himself and said, “I’m notdumb;Ijustfeeldumbrightnow.”Younger kids will obviously need your help, but they cancertainlygraspthe ideathat feelingscomeandgo.Themorekidsunderstandthatfeelingscomeandgo,thelessthey’llgetstuckontherimoftheirwheel,andthemorethey’llbeabletolivelifeandmakedecisionsfromtheirhub.

Whole-BrainStrategy#9:SIFT:PayingAttentiontoWhat’sGoingOnInside

In order for kids to develop mindsight and then in uence the

di erent thoughts, desires, and emotions whirling around withinthem, they rst need to become aware of what it is they areactually experiencing. That means one of our most importantparentingjobsistohelpourchildrenrecognizeandunderstandthedifferentrimpointsoftheirindividualwheelofawareness.You don’t have to have a serious sit-down meeting tocommunicatethisidea.Findwaystoworkwiththeconceptduringyour daily interactionswith your kids. Tina recently decided theideawouldbehelpfulinchangingherseven-year-oldson’smoodasshewasdrivinghimtoschoolonemorning.Hewasupsetthathistrip to Dodger Stadium had been postponed, so she took theopportunity to introduce him to the “windshield of awareness”:“Look at all the spots onourwindshield. These spots are like allthedi erent thingsyouare thinkingand feelingrightnow.Therearealot!Seethissmudgerighthere?That’showmadyoufeelatDad right now. And those yellow bug guts? That’s yourdisappointment that you’re not going to get to go to the gametonight. But see that splat right there? That’s how much youbelieveDadwhenhe sayshe’ll take younextweekend.And thatonethereishowyouknowyoucanhaveagooddaytodayanywaybecauseyougettoeatlunchandplaykickballatrecesswithRyan.…”Youcanuseanythingavailabletoyou:awindshield,anactualbicyclewheel,apianokeyboard,orwhateverisnearby.Justhelpyourkidsunderstandthattherearemanypartsofthemselvesthattheycangettoknowandintegratewithoneanother.Oneof thebestways tobeginorientingkids towhat’son theirrim is to help them learn to SIFT through all the sensations,images, feelings, and thoughts that are a ecting them. By payingattention to their physicalsensations, for example, children canbecomemuchmoreawareofwhat’sgoingon inside theirbodies.They can learn to recognize stomach butter ies as markers ofanxiety,adesiretohitasangerorfrustration,heavyshouldersas

sadness, and soon.Theycan identify tension in theirbodywhenthey’renervous, then learntorelaxtheirshouldersandtakedeepbreathstocalmthemselves.Simplyrecognizingdi erentsensationslike hunger, tiredness, excitement, and grumpiness can givechildren a great deal of understanding and ultimately in uenceovertheirfeelings.Inadditiontosensations,weneedtoteachourkidstoSIFTforimagesthatarea ectingthewaytheylookatandinteractwiththeworld. Some images remain from the past, like thememory of aparentonahospitalgurney,oranembarrassingmomentatschool.Others might be fabricated from their imaginations or evennightmares they’vehad.Achildwhoworriesaboutbeing leftoutand isolated at recess might, for example, picture herself on alonely swing by herself. Or another child might struggle withnighttime fears as a result of the images he remembers from ascarydream.Whenachildbecomesawareof the images thatareactiveinhismind,hecanusehismindsighttotakecontrolofthoseimagesandgreatlydiminishthepowertheyhaveoverhim.KidscanalsobetaughttoSIFTforfeelingsandemotionstheyareexperiencing.Taketimetoaskkidshowtheyfeel,andhelpthembe speci c, so they cango fromvague emotional descriptors like“ ne” and “bad” to more precise ones, like “disappointed,”“anxious,” “jealous,” and “excited.” One reason kids often don’texpressthecomplexityofaparticularemotionisthattheyhaven’tyetlearnedtothinkabouttheirfeelingsinasophisticatedwaythatrecognizes thevarietyandrichnesswithin them.Asa result, theydon’t use a full spectrum of emotions in their responses, andinsteadpainttheiremotionalpicturesprimarilyinblackandwhite.Ideally, we want our kids to recognize that there’s a colorfulrainbow of rich emotions within them, and to pay attention tothesedifferentpossibilities.Without mindsight into what’s going on in their whole brain,

they’llbetrappedinblackandwhite,likeoldTVrerunswewatchoverandoveragain.Whentheyhaveafullemotionalpalette,theyare able to experience the vivid Technicolor that a deep andvibrant emotional life allows.This teaching takes place, again, inyour everyday interactions with your kids, and it begins beforethey can even talk.I know it’s disappointing that you can’thave thecandy.Thenastheygetolderyoucanincreasinglyintroducethemtomoresubtletiesofemotion.I’msorryyourskitripgotcanceled.Ifthat happened to me, I’d be feeling all kinds of things: mad,disappointed,hurt,letdown.Whatelse?

Thoughts are di erent from feelings, sensations, and images inthat they represent the more left-brained part of the SIFTingprocess.Theyarewhatwethinkabout,whatwetellourselves,andhowwenarratethestoryofourownlives,usingwords.Kidscanlearntopayattentiontothethoughtsrunningthroughtheirheads,andunderstandthattheydon’thavetobelieveeveryoneofthem.Theycanevenarguewiththeideasthataren’thelpfulorhealthy—

oreventrue.Throughthisself-talk theycandirect theirattentionawayfromrimpointsthatarelimitingthem,andtowardthosethatlead tohappinessandgrowth.Mindsight lets themreturn to theirhubandpayattention to their thoughts.Then, fromthatplaceofawareness,theycanuseself-talktoremindthemselvesofotherrimpoints,ofotherthoughtsandfeelingsthatarealsoimportantpartsof themselves.Forexample,aneleven-year-oldgirlmight look inthe mirror and say, “So stupid to get sunburned at camp. Sostupid!”Butifherparentshavetaughthertoarguewithherownnegativethoughts,shemight takeastepbackandcorrectherself:“Comeon,that’snotstupid.It’snormaltoforgetthingssometimes.Almostallthekidsgottoomuchsuntoday.”By teaching our children to SIFT through the activity of theirmind,wecanhelpthemrecognizethedi erentrimpointsatworkwithinthem,andhelpthemgainmoreinsightandcontrolintheirlives. Notice, too, how integrated the whole process is when itcomes to how the brain takes in di erent stimuli. The nervoussystem extends throughout our body, functioning like powerfulantennae that read thedi erentphysical sensations fromour vesenses.Thenwedrawontheimagesfromtherighthemisphereofthe brain, combining these with the feelings that arise from theright brain and the limbic system. Then ultimately we linkeverything togetherwith the conscious thoughts that originate inour left hemisphere and the analytical skills from our upstairsbrain. SIFTing helps us understand the important lesson that ourbodily sensations shape our emotion and our emotion shapes ourthinking,aswellastheimagesinourmind.Thein uencesgotheotherway,too:ifwearethinkinghostilethoughts,wecanincreaseafeelingofanger that in turncanmakeourbody’smuscles tenseup.Allof thepointsontherim—sensations, images, feelings,andthoughts—can in uence the others, and together they create ourstateofmind.

Thenexttimeyouhaveafewminutesinthecarwithyourkids,playtheSIFTgame,askingquestionsthataidtheSIFTingprocess.Here’sanexampleofhowyoucanbegin:

YOU:I’llmentionsomethingaboutwhatthesensationsofmybodyaretellingme.I’mhungry.Whataboutyou?What’syourbodysaying?

YOURCHILD:

Theseatbeltfeelsscratchyonmyneck.

YOU:

Oh,that’sagoodone.I’lladjustitinaminute.Whataboutimages?Whatpicturesaregoingthroughyourmind?I’mrememberingthathilariousscenefromyourschoolplay,andyouinthatfunnyhat.

YOURCHILD:

I’mthinkingaboutthepreviewwesawforthatnewmovie.Theoneaboutthealiens?

YOU:Yeah,we’vegottoseethat.Nowfeelings.I’mreallyfeelingexcitedaboutGrandmaandGrandpacomingtomorrow.

YOURCHILD:

Me,too!

YOU:OK,S-I-F…NowTfor“thoughts.”Ijustthoughtabouthowweneedmilk.We’llneedtostopbeforewegethome.Whataboutyou?

YOURCHILD:

I’vebeenthinkingthatClaireshouldhavetodomorechoresthanme,sinceshe’solder.

YOU:(smiling)I’mgladyou’resogoodatcomingupwithideas.We’llhavetogivethatonesomemorethought.

Evenifthingsgetsilly,theSIFTgameisagoodwaytogiveyourkids practice at paying attention to their inner landscape. Andrememberthatjustbytalkingaboutthemind,youhelpdevelopit.

Whole-BrainStrategy#10:ExerciseMindsight:GettingBacktotheHub

We’ve talked above about the power of mindsight and focusedattention.Whenkidsbecome xatedononesetofpointsontheirwheelofawareness,weneedtohelpthemshifttheirfocussothatthey can become more integrated. They can then see that theydon’t have to be victims of the sensations, images, feelings, andthoughts within them, anddecide how they think and feel abouttheirexperiences.Thisdoesn’tcomenaturallytochildren,buttheycanreadilybetaughthow to focus theirattentionback to thehub.Wecangivethem tools and strategies for calming themselves and integratingtheir di erent feelings and desires.One of the bestways parentscan do this is to introduce them tomindsight exercises that helpthemgetbacktothehub.Whenwehelpourchildrenreturntothehub of their wheel, we help them become more focused andcentered so they can remain aware of the many rim pointsaffectingtheiremotionsandstateofmind.Here’s how one mother, Andrea, helped her nine-year-old,Nicole, get back to her hub so she could deal with her anxietyabout an upcomingmusic recital. On the morning of the recital,Andrea realized that Nicole was understandably nervous aboutplaying her violin in front of her friends and their parents. She

knewherdaughter’sfeelingswerenormal,butshealsowantedtohelpherbecomelessstuckonherrim.Sosheintroducedhertoamindsightexercise.AndreahadNicolelie atonthesofa,andshesat in thechairnext toher.Then shebegan tohelpherdaughterbecomemore aware ofwhatwas going on inside her.Here’s thegistofwhatshesaid:

OK,Nicole,while you’re lying still,move your eyes aroundthe room.Evenwithoutmovingyourhead, you can see thelampoveronthetable.Nowlookoveratyourbabypictures.See them? Now look at the bookcase. Can you see the bigHarryPotterbookthere?Nowlookbackatthelamp.Doyouseehowyouhavethepowertofocusyourattentionalloverthisroom?That’swhatIwanttoteachyouabout,butwe’regoingtofocusyourattentiononwhat’sgoingoninsideyourmindandbody.Closeyoureyes,andlet’sfocusonyourthoughts and feelings and senses. Let’s start with what youhear. I’m going to be quiet for a few seconds, and you payattentiontothesoundsaroundus.What do you hear? That car going by? The dog barkingacrossthestreet?Doyouhearyourbrotherrunningthewaterin the bathroom? You’re aware of those sounds simplybecause you got still and focused on hearing them. Youlistenedonpurpose.NowIwantyoutonoticeyourbreathing.First,noticetheair coming in and out of your nose.…Now feel your chestgoing up and down.… Now notice the way your stomachmoveseachtimeyoubreatheinandout.…I’mgoingtobequietagainfora fewseconds.Duringthattime,stayfocusedonyourbreath.Otherthoughtswillcomeinto your mind, and you’ll probably even think about therecital. That’s ne. When you notice that your mind is

wandering and you’re thinking about something else orstarting to worry, just go back to focusing on your breath.Followthatwaveofthein-breathandtheout-breath.

AfteraminuteorsoAndreahadNicoleopenhereyesandsitup.Andreaexplainedthatthistechniqueisapowerfulwaytocalmthemindandbody.Shetoldhertokeepthisexerciseinherpocketforwhen she needed it—for instance, just before the recital. If shebegantofeelherheartpoundingjustbeforesheplayedherviolin,shecouldreturntothinkingaboutherbreathcominginandgoingout,evenwithhereyesopen.Youcanseehowacalmingmindsightexerciselikethiscouldbeasimplebutpowerfultooltohelpachilddealwithfearsandotherchallengingemotions.Plus,mindsightexercisesleadtointegration,becauseasyouknow,wherewe focusourattention,neurons reandbecomeactive,thenwiretootherneurons.Inthiscase,whenAndrea helped Nicole focus on her breath, she was not onlyaddressing her feelings of anxiety. She was also helping herdaughter return to her hub, so she could notice other parts ofherself and even physical sensations that she could thenintentionally change. So her neurons associated with mindfullyfocusing on her breath became wired to her neurons related tofeelingsofcalmandwell-being.Shemovedintoacompletelynewstateofmindandwasabletogetbacktoherhub.While this example focuses on an older, school-age child,youngerkidscanbene tfrommindsightexercisesaswell.Evenasyoung as four or ve, kids can learn to focus on their breath. Agood technique is tohave them liedownandplace a toy—like aboat—ontheirstomach.Askthemtofocusontheboat,watchingitriseandfallasitridesthewavesofbreath.But we’re not suggesting that mindsight exercises require aperson to lie down and enter ameditative state.One of the best

tools yougiveyourkids forwhen they feel anxiousor afraid, orevenwhenthey’rehavingtroublefallingasleep,istoteachthemtovisualizeaplacewheretheyfeelcalmandpeaceful: oatingonaraft in a pool, sitting next to a river they remember from acamping trip, or swinging in a hammock at their grandparents’house.

Mindsight exercises lead tosurvivalwhichcanhelpkidsmanagetheir anxieties, frustrations, and, for older children, even intenseanger. But these strategies lead tothriving as well. After Andreaintroduced Nicole to the mindsight exercise before her recital(where she ultimately relaxed and played beautifully), they

returned to similar exercises from time to time, with AndrealeadingNicolethroughcertainvisualizationsliketheoneabove.Asshe grew older and kept practicing, Nicole began to understandmoreaboutthehubofherwheel,soshecouldgetbacktoitmoreeasily and quickly. She learned to focus more precisely andspeci callyonthepartsofherselfthatshewantedtodevelopandgrow.Watchforwaystohelpyourchildrenlearntobestillandcalmattimesand ndthedeep-oceanpeacefulnesswithintheirhub.Fromthere they’ll be better able to survive the storms brewingwithinthemfrommomenttomoment,andthey’llhaveabetterchanceofthriving—emotionally, psychologically, socially—as they growtowardadulthood.

Whole-BrainKids:TeachYourKidsAboutIntegratingtheManyPartsofThemselves

We’ve already given you several examples of how other parentshave introduced their children to mindsight and the power offocusedattention.Here issomethingyoucanreadwithyourownchildtoteachtheconcept.

Integrating Ourselves: Looking at Our Own Wheel ofAwareness

There are many ways parents can bene t from an

understandingofmindsightandtheirownwheelofawareness.Let’s take a moment so you can see, and experience, whatwe’retalkingabout.From your hub, SIFT through your own mind. What rimpointshaveyourattentionrightnow?Maybesomeofthese?

I’msotired.IwishIhadjustonemorehourofsleep.I’malsoirritatedthatmyson’sYankeescapisthereonthefloor.NowwhenhegetshomeI’llhavetoridehimaboutthat,andabouthishomework.DinnerwiththeCooperswillbefuntonight,butIkindofwishweweren’tgoing.I’mtired.IwishIdidmoreformyself.AtleastI’mgivingmyselfthepleasureofreadingabookthesedays.DidImentionI’mtired?

All of these sensations, images, feelings, and thoughts aretherimpointsonyourwheelofawareness,andtogethertheydetermineyourstateofmind.Now let’s seewhat happenswhen you intentionally directyour attention to other rim points. Slow down for a fewseconds, get quiet within yourself, and ask yourself thesequestions:

What’ssomethingfunnyoradorablemychildsaidordidlately?Eventhoughit’smonstrouslydifficultattimes,doIgenuinelyloveandappreciategettingtobeaparent?HowwouldIfeelifIdidn’tgettobeaparent?

What’smychild’sfavoriteT-shirtrightnow?CanIrememberherfirstpairofshoes?CanIpicturehowmychildmightlookateighteen,bagspackedandleavingforcollege?

Feelingdifferent?Hasyourstateofmindchanged?Mindsight did that. From your hub you noticed the rimpoints on your own wheel of awareness, and you becameawareofwhatyouwereexperiencing.Thenyoushiftedyourfocus, directing your attention to other rim points, and as aresult, your entire stateofmindchanged.This is the power ofyour mind, and this is how it can literally and fundamentallytransform the way you feel about and interact with your kids.Without mindsight, you can get stuck on your rim, feelingprimarilyfrustratedorangryorresentful.Thejoyofparentingis gone inthat moment. But by returning to your hub andshifting your focus, you can begin to experience joy andgratitudeaboutgettingtoparentyourchildren—justbypayingattention anddeciding to direct your attention to new rimpoints.Mindsight can also be immensely practical. For example,think for a moment right now about the last time you gotangry with one of your children. Really angry, where youcould’velostcontrol.Rememberwhathedid,andhowfuriousyou felt.At times like these, theangeryou feelburnsbrightand ery on the rim of your wheel. In fact, it burns sointensely that it faroutshinesother rimpoints that representthe feelings and knowledge you have about your kids: yourunderstanding that your four-year-old is acting like a normal

four-year-old;yourmemoryof laughinghystericallytogether,just a fewminutes earlier, as you played cards; the promiseyoumadethatyouweregoingtostopgrabbingyourchildren’sarms when you’re angry; your desire to model appropriateexpressionsofanger.Thisishowwebecomesweptupbytherimwhenwe’renotintegrated via the hub. The downstairs brain takes over anyintegrative functioning of the upstairs area, and other rimpointsareeclipsedbytheglareofthissinglepointofyourall-consuminganger.Remember“flippingyourlid”?What do you need to do in amoment like this? Yep, youguessedit:integrate.Useyourmindsight.Byfocusingonyourbreath,youcanat leastbegintogetbacktothehubofyourmind.Thisistherequiredstepthatallowsustopullbackfrombeingconsumedbyasingleangrypointontherim—orafewof them.Once in thehub, itbecomespossible to take in thewider perspective that there are other rim points to keep inmind. You can get somewater, take a break and stretch, orgiveyourselfamomenttocollectyourself.Then,onceyou’vebrought your attention back to your hub, you’ll be free tochoose how you want to respond to your child and ifnecessaryrepairanybreachinyourrelationship.Thisdoesn’tmeanignoringbadbehavior.Notatall.Infact,oneof therimpointsyou’ll integratewith theothers isyourbelief in setting clear and consistent boundaries. There aremany perspectives you can embrace, from desires for yourchildtoactinadi erentwaytofeelingsofconcernoverhowyou’veactedinresponse.Whenyoulinkallthesedifferentrimpoints together—whenyou’veused thehub to integrateyour

mind at that moment—you’ll feel a readiness to continueattuned, sensitive parenting. Then, with your whole brainworking together, you can connect with your child becauseyouareconnectedwithinyourself.You’llhaveamuchbetterchanceofrespondingthewayyouwantto,withmindsightandthe wholeness of who you are, instead of an immediatereactionspurredonbya erypointontherimofyourwheel.Todoyourownwheelpractice,gotodrdansiegel.com.

CHAPTER6

TheMe-WeConnectionIntegratingSelfandOther

Ron and Sandy were fed up. Their seven-year-old, Colin, was agood kid.He didn’t cause trouble at school, his friends and theirparents likedhim,andhegenerallydidwhathewas supposed todo. But he was, in his parents’ words, “totally and incurablysel sh.”Healwaysgrabbed the last sliceofpizza,even ifhestillhad some on his plate. He begged for a puppy, then showed nointerest in even playing with it, much less using the pooperscooper.Evenaftergrowingoutofhis toys,hestillrefusedto lethisyoungerbrotherplaywiththem.Ron and Sandy knew that a certain amount of egocentrism inchildren is normal. And they didn’t want to change Colin’spersonality—theywantedtolovehimforwhohewas.Butattimesit drove them crazy that he often seemed incapable of thinkingaboutotherpeople.Whenitcametorelationalskillslikeempathy,kindness, and consideration, Colin just seemed to bemissing thedevelopmentofthatcircuit.The breaking point came one day after school when Colindisappeared into the bedroom he shared with his ve-year-oldbrother,Logan.Ronwasinthekitchenwhenheheardyellingfromtheboys’room.HewenttoinvestigateanddiscoveredadistraughtLogan, furious with his big brother and crying over a pile ofartworkandtrophies.Colinhaddecidedto“redecorate”theroom.HehadtakendownallofLogan’swatercolorpaintingsandmarkerdrawings hanging on the walls and replaced them with his ownposters and baseball cards, which he’d taped in rows across the

largestwallintheroom.Inaddition,hehadremovedLogan’stwosoccertrophiesfromtheshelfandsetuphisownbobbleheaddollsintheirplace.ColinhadpiledallofLogan’sbelongingsinacorneroftheroom,heexplained,“sotheywouldn’tbeintheway.”WhenSandygothomesheandRontalkedabouttheirfrustrationwith their older son. They sincerely believed that there was nomaliceinColin’sactions.Infact,thatwasalmosttheproblem:henever evenconsidered Logan’s feelings enough to intend to hurthim.Heredecoratedtheroomforthesamereasonhealwaystookthelastsliceofpizza:hejustdidn’tthinkaboutothers.Thisissueisacommononeforparents.Wewantourkidstobecaringandconsideratesotheycanenjoymeaningfulrelationships.Sometimes we fear that because they’re not as kind (orcompassionate or grateful or generous) as we want them to be,theyneverwillbe.Ofcourse,wecan’texpectaseven-year-oldtobehaveasifhewereanenlightenedadult.Sure,wewantourkidsto become men and women who are strong and forgiving andrespectfuland loving,but that’sabitmuch toexpectof someonewho’sjustrecentlylearnedtotiehisshoes.However,whileit’simportanttotrusttheprocessandknowthatmuchofwhatwewantforourkidswillemergeonlyovertime,wecanpreparethemandsteerthemtowardbecomingchildren,teens,and ultimately adults who are fully capable of participating inrelationships and considering the feelings of others. Some peoplesimplyhavefewerneuralconnectionsintheircircuitryinchargeofempathyandrelationships.Justlikekidswhohavetroublereadingneed to practice and grow those connections in their brain, kidswho have di culty relating to others need to have thoseconnections encouraged and cultivated. And just as a learningdisability isasignofamentalchallenge,so isan inability to feelsomeone else’s pain. It’s a developmental issue, not necessarilyacharacter problem. Even childrenwho don’t seem predisposed to

connection and compassion canlearn what it means to be inrelationship,andtofulfilltheresponsibilitiesthatcomewithit.That’swhatthischapterisabout.Mostoftheinformationwe’veprovided inearlierchapters focusesonhow tohelpdevelopyourchild’swholebraininordertodevelopastrongandresilientsenseof“me.”ButlikeRonandSandy,youknowthatkidsneedjustasmuchhelpunderstandingwhatitmeanstobecomepartofa“we,”so that they can be integrated with others. In fact, in our ever-changingmodernsociety,learningtomovefrom“me”to“we”maybeessentialforhowourchildrenwillbeabletoadaptinourfutureworld.Helpingchildrenbecomeaparticipatingmemberofa“we”whilenot losing touchwith their individual“me” isa tallorder foranyparent.Buthappinessand ful llment result frombeingconnectedtootherswhilestillmaintainingaunique identity.That’salso theessence of mindsight, which you’ll remember is all about seeingyour own mind, as well as the mind of another. It’s aboutdeveloping ful lling relationships while maintaining a healthysenseofself.In the previous chapter we discussed the rst aspect ofmindsight, seeing and understanding our own mind. We talkedabout helping kids become aware of and integrate the manydi erentpartsofthemselvesviathewheelofawareness.Thekeyconceptinthisaspectofmindsightispersonalinsight.Now we want to turn our attention to the second aspect ofmindsight,developingtheabilitytoseeandconnectwiththemindsofothers.Thisconnectiondependsonempathy,onrecognizingthefeelings,desires,andperspectivesofanother.RonandSandy’ssonseemed to need empathy skills. In addition to developing andintegrating hiswhole brain and the di erent parts of himself, heneeded to be given lots of practice at seeing things from otherpeople’s perspectives, seeing other people’s minds. He needed to

developthissecondaspectofmindsight.

Insight+Empathy=Mindsight

Insightandempathy.Ifwecanencouragetheseattributesinourkids, we will give them the gift of mindsight, o ering themawareness about themselves, and connection with those aroundthem.Buthowdowedothat?Howdoweencourageourkids toconnectwith family, friends, and theworldwhile cultivatingandmaintaining their own individual sense of self? How dowe helpthem learn to share? To get along with siblings? To negotiateplayground politics? To communicate well and consider others’feelings?Theanswers toall thesequestionsemerge fromtheme-we connection,whichwe can understand by rst looking at howthebrainparticipatesinthecreationofrelationships.

THESOCIALBRAIN:WIREDFOR“WE”

Whatdoyoupicturewhenyouthinkaboutthebrain?Maybeyourecall an image from high school biology class: that weird organoating in the jar, or a picture of it in a textbook. The problemwith this “single skull” perspective—where we consider eachindividualbrainasaloneorganisolatedinasingleskull—isthatitneglectsthetruththatscientistshavecometounderstandoverthelast few decades: that the brain is a social organ,made to be inrelationship. It’s hardwired to take in signals from the socialenvironment, which in turn in uence a person’s inner world. Inother words, what happensbetween brains has a great deal to dowith what happenswithin each individual brain. Self andcommunity are fundamentally interrelated, since every brain iscontinuallyconstructedbyitsinteractionswithothers.Evenmore,

studiesofhappinessandwisdomreveal thatakey factor inwell-being is devoting one’s attention and passions to the bene t ofothersinsteadofjustfocusingontheindividual,separateconcernsof a private self. The “me” discovers meaning and happiness byjoiningandbelongingtoa“we.”To put it di erently, the brain is set up forinterpersonalintegration. Just as its many di erent parts are made to worktogether,eachindividualbrainismadetorelatewiththebrainofeachpersonweinteractwith.Interpersonalintegrationmeansthatwe honor and nurture our di erences while cultivating ourconnections withoneanother.Sowhilewewant tohelpourkidsintegrate their left and right brain, their upstairs and downstairsbrain,theirimplicitandexplicitmemories,andsoon,wealsoneedtohelpthemunderstandtheextenttowhichtheyareconnectedtotheir family, friends, classmates, and other people in theircommunities.Byunderstandingbasicfacetsoftherelationalbrain,wecanhelpourkidsdevelopthemindsightthatwillallowthemtoenjoydeeperandmoremeaningfulrelationships.

MIRRORNEURONS:THEREFLECTORSINTHEMIND

Doyou ever get thirstywhen you see someone take a drink?Oryawn when someone else does? These familiar responses can beunderstood in light of one of the most fascinating recentdiscoveries about the brain: mirror neurons. Here’s how thediscoverytookplace.In the early 1990s, a group of Italian neuroscientists werestudying the brain of a macaque monkey. They had implantedelectrodes to monitor individual neurons, and when the monkeyate a peanut, a certain electrode red. No surprise there—that’swhattheresearchersexpected.Butthenascientist’ssnackchanged

the course of our insight into the mind. One of the researcherspickedupapeanutandateitasthemonkeywatched.Inresponse,the monkey’s motor neuron red—the same one that had redwhen he had actually eaten the peanut himself! The researchersdiscovered that the monkey’s brain was in uenced and becameactivejustbywatchingtheactionsofanother.Whetherthemonkeywitnessedanactionorperformedthatsamebehaviorhimself, thesamesetofneuronsbecameactivated.Scientists immediately began scrambling to identify these“mirror neurons” in humans. And while there are far morequestionsthananswersaboutexactlywhattheyareandhowtheywork, we are actively learningmore andmore about themirrorneuron system. These neuronsmay be the root of empathy, andthereforecontributetomindsight,inthehumanbrain.The key is that mirror neurons respond only to an act withintention,wherethere’ssomepredictabilityorpurposethatcanbeperceived.Forexample, ifsomeonesimplywavesherhandintheair randomly, your mirror neurons won’t respond. But if thatperson carries out an act you can predict from experience, liketaking a drink from a cup of water, your mirror neurons will“ gureout”what’sintendedbeforethepersondoesit.Sowhenshelifts up her handwith a cup in it, you can predict at a synapticlevel that she intends to drink from it.Not only that, themirrorneuronsinyourownupstairsbrainwillgetyoureadytodrinkaswell.Weseeanact,weunderstandthepurposeoftheact,andwereadyourselvestomirrorit.At the simplest level, that’s why we get thirsty when othersdrink,andwhyweyawnwhenothersyawn.Itmaybewhyevenanewborninfant, justafewhoursold,canmimichisparentswhenhe sticks out his tongue. Mirror neurons may also explain whyyounger siblings are sometimesbetter at sports.Before they everjoin their own team, theirmirror neurons have red each of the

hundreds of times they’ve watched their older siblings hit, kick,andthrowaball.At themostcomplex level,mirrorneuronshelpusunderstandthenatureofcultureandhowoursharedbehaviorsbindus together, child toparent, friend to friend, andeventuallyspousetospouse.Now let’s take another step.Basedonwhatwe see (aswell ashear, smell, touch, and taste) in the world around us, we canmirrornotonly thebehavioral intentionsofothers,butalso theiremotionalstates.Inotherwords,mirrorneuronsmayallowusnotonly to imitate others’ behaviors, but actually to resonate withtheir feelings.We sensenotonlywhataction is comingnext,butalso the emotion thatunderlies thebehavior. For this reason,wecould also call these special neural cells “spongeneurons” in thatwesoakuplikeaspongewhatweseeinthebehaviors,intentions,and emotions of someone else. We don’t just “mirror back” tosomeoneelse,butwe“spongein”theirinternalstates.Noticewhathappenswhenyou’reatapartywithfriends.Ifyouapproach a group that’s laughing, you’ll probably nd yourselfsmiling or chuckling even before you’ve heard the joke.Or haveyou noticed that when you’re nervous or stressed out, your kidswill often be that way, too? Scientists call this “emotionalcontagion.”Theinternalstatesofothers—fromjoyandplayfulnessto sadness and fear—directly a ect our own state of mind. Wesoakotherpeopleintoourowninnerworld.You can see, then, why neuroscientists call the brain a socialorgan. It’s absolutely built for mindsight. We are biologicallyequippedtobeinrelationships,tounderstandwhereotherpeoplearecomingfrom,andtoin uenceoneanother.Aswe’veexplainedthroughout the book, the brain is actually reshaped by ourexperiences.Thatmeansthateverydiscussion,argument, joke,orhugwesharewithsomeoneelseliterallyaltersourbrainandthatof the other person. After a powerful conversation or time spent

with an important person in our life, we have a di erent brain.Since none of us is working from a single-skullmind, ourwholemental life results from our inner neural world and the externalsignals we receive from others. Each of us is meant to join ourindividual“me”withotherstobecomeapartof“we.”

LAYINGTHEGROUNDWORKFORCONNECTION:CREATINGPOSITIVEMENTALMODELS

What does all this mean for our children? The kinds ofrelationshipstheyexperiencewilllaythegroundworkforhowtheyrelatetoothersfortherestoftheirlives.Inotherwords,howwellthey’llbeable tousetheirmindsight toparticipate ina“we”andjoin with others down the road is based on the quality of theirattachment relationships with their caregivers—including parentsandgrandparents,butalso signi cantbabysitters, teachers,peers,andotherinfluentialpeopleintheirlives.Whenkids spend timewith themost important people in theirlife, they develop important relational skills like communicatingand listening well, interpreting facial expressions, understandingnonverbal communication, sharing, and sacri cing. But also, inrelationships,childrendevelopmodelsabouthowtheythemselvestintotheworldaroundthem,andhowrelationshipswork.Theylearn whether they can trust others to see and respond to theirneeds, andwhether they feel connected and protected enough tostepoutandtakerisks. Inshort, they learnwhetherrelationshipswillleavethemfeelingaloneandunseen;anxiousandconfused;orfelt,understood,andsecurelycaredfor.Thinkofanewborn.Ababy isbornready toconnect, ready tolinkwhatsheseesinotherswithwhatshedoesandwithwhatshefeels inside. But what if those others are only rarely attuned to

what she needs? What if, more often than not, her parents areunavailable and rejecting? Then confusion and frustration willinitially permeate the child’smind.Without intimatemoments ofconsistent connection with her caregivers, she may grow upwithoutmindsight,withoutanunderstandingoftheimportanceofjoining with someone else. We learn early in life to use ourconnections with reliable others to soothe our internal distress.This isthebasisofsecureattachment.Butifwearen’tgivensuchnurturing, our brain will need to adapt and do the best it can.Children can learn to “go it alone” in an e ort to soothethemselvesasbesttheycan.Therelational,emotionalcircuitryofthis child’s brain, which needs closeness and connection that arenotbeingo ered toher,may completely shutdownas awayofadapting.This ishowthe socialbrain shutsdown its innatedriveforconnectionjusttosurvive.However,ifherparentscanlearntoshow her consistent, predictable love and attunement, she willdevelopmindsightandliveuptotherelationalpotentialherbrainhasbeenwiredfor.It’snot justparentswhocreate the strategiesofadaptation—ormentalmodels—forhowchildrenview relationships.Thinkaboutwhat your children are learning from their relationships withvariouscaregivers, likethecoachwhoemphasizes the importanceofworking together andmaking sacri ces for teammates.Or theaunt who is hypercritical, who teaches that a central part of arelationship involves disapproval and nding fault. Or theclassmate who views all relationships through the lens ofcompetition, seeing everyone as a rival or adversary. Or theteacherwho emphasizes kindness andmutual respect andmodelscompassioninherinteractionswiththechildreninherclass.Allof thesedi erent relational experienceswirea child’sbrainforwhata“we”feelslike.Rememberthatthebrainusesrepeatedexperiences or associations to predict what to expect. When

relationshipsarecoldandpeopleareessentiallydistant,critical,orcompetitive,thatin uenceswhatthechildexpectsrelationshipstofeel like.Ontheotherhand, if thechildexperiencesrelationshipsfullofnurturingwarmth,connection,andprotection,thenthatwillbecome the model for future relationships—with friends, withother members of various communities, and eventually withromanticpartnersandtheirownchildren.It’s really not an exaggeration to say that the kind ofrelationshipsyouprovideforyourchildrenwilla ectgenerationstocome.Wecanimpactthefutureoftheworldbycaringwellforour childrenandbybeing intentional ingiving them thekindsofrelationships that we value and that we want them to see asnormal.

PREPARINGFOR“WE”:OFFERINGEXPERIENCESTHATLEADTOCONNECTION

Inadditiontomodelinggoodrelationshipsforourkids,weneedtopreparethemtojoinwithothers,sothey’llbecapableofbecomingapartofa“we.”Afterall, justbecausethemindisequippedanddesigned toconnectwithothersdoesn’tmean thatachild isbornwithrelationshipskills.Beingbornwithmusclesdoesn’tmakeyouanathlete:youneedtolearnandpracticespeci cskills.Likewise,childrendon’temergefromthewombwantingtosharetheirtoys.Noraretheir rstwords“I’llsacri cewhatIwantsowecanstrikeamutually bene cial compromise.” On the contrary, the phrasesthatdominatethevocabularyoftoddlers—“mine,”“me,”andeven“no”—emphasize their lack of understanding ofwhat itmeans tobe a part of a “we.” So they have tolearn mindsight skills likesharing,forgiving,sacrifice,andlistening.Colin,RonandSandy’s sonwhoseemssoegocentric, is for themostpartaverynormalkid.Hejusthasn’tquitemasteredmanyof

the mindsight skills that are necessary for participating as acontributingmemberofafamily.Hisparents’expectationwasthatbythetimehewasseven,he’dbemoreintegratedintothefamilyandwilling tobeapartofa “we.”Whilehe’s steadily improvinghisrelationalintelligence,heneedspracticetokeepmovinginthatdirection.The same goes for a shy child. Lisa, a mom we know, haspicturesofoneofhersonsathisfriend’sfourth-birthdayparty.Allofthechildrenaregatheredinatightcirclearoundayoungwomandressed like Dora the Explorer. All, that is, except for Lisa’s sonIan,whoinsistedonstandingsixfeetawayfromthecircleofnot-so-shykids. Itwas the sameathis toddlermusicclass.While theother children sang and danced and itsy-bitsy-spidered their littlehandso ,Iansatinhismom’slapandrefusedtodoanythingmorethantimidlyobserve.In those years, Lisa and her husband had to walk the linebetweenencouragingnewrelationshipsandpushing toohard.Butby giving their son repeated opportunities to interact with otherchildren and to gure out how to make friends, all whilesupporting and comforting him when he was nervous or afraid,they helped their young introvert develop the social skills heneeded.AndwhilethesedaysIanisstillnotquicktodivehead rstintonewsocialsituations,heisverycomfortablewithhimself,andevenoutgoingattimes.Helookspeopleintheeyewhenhetalksto them, raises his hand in class, and is even frequently theringleader in the dugout for a (very enthusiastic) rendition of“TakeMeOuttotheBallGame.”Researcherswhostudyhumanpersonalitytellusthatshynessisto a large extent genetic. It’s actually a part of a person’s coremakeup present at birth. However, as in the case of Ian, thatdoesn’tmeanthatshynessisn’tchangeabletoasigni cantdegree.In fact, the way parents handle their child’s shyness has a big

impact on how the child deals with that aspect of his or herpersonality,aswellashowshythechildislateron.The point is that parenting matters, even to the extent ofin uencing our inborn and genetically shaped temperament. Wecan help prepare our kids to join with others and experiencemeaningful relationships by o ering encouragement andopportunities thathelp themdevelop thosemindsightskills.We’lltalkinaminuteaboutsomespeci cwaystodothat.But rstlet’sexplain what we mean by helping kids be receptive to being inrelationships.

CULTIVATINGA“YES”STATEOFMIND:HELPINGKIDSBERECEPTIVETORELATIONSHIPS

Ifwewanttopreparekidstoparticipateashealthyindividualsinarelationship,weneedtocreatewithinthemanopen,receptivestate,instead of aclosed, reactive one. To illustrate, here’s an exerciseDan uses with many families. First he’ll tell them he’s going torepeatawordseveraltimes,andheasksthemjusttonoticewhatitfeelslikeintheirbodies.The rstwordis“no,”said rmlyandslightlyharshlyseventimes,withabouttwosecondsbetweeneach“no.” Then, after another pause, he says a clear but somewhatgentler “yes” seven times. Afterward, clients often say that the“no”feltsti ingandangering,asiftheywerebeingshutdownorscolded.Incontrast,the“yes”madethemfeelcalm,peaceful,evenlight. (You might close your eyes now and try the exercise foryourself.Noticewhatgoesoninyourbodyasyouorafriendsays“no”andthen“yes”severaltimes.)These two di erent responses—the “no” feelings and the “yes”feelings—demonstrate what we mean when we talk aboutreactivityversus receptivity.When thenervous system isreactive,it’s actually in a ght- ight-freeze response state, fromwhich it’s

almost impossible to connect in an open and caring way withanother person. Remember the amygdala and the other parts ofyour downstairs brain that react immediately, without thinking,whenever you feel threatened?When our entire focus is on self-defense,nomatterwhatwedo,westayinthatreactive,“no”stateofmind.Webecomeguarded,unabletojoinwithsomeoneelse—by listening well, by giving them the bene t of the doubt, byconsidering their feelings, and so on. Evenneutral comments cantransforminto ghtingwords,distortingwhatwehearto twhatwefear.Thisishowweenterareactivestateandprepareto ght,toflee,oreventofreeze.On the other hand, when we’re receptive, a di erent set ofcircuitsinthebrainbecomesactive.The“yes”partoftheexercise,for most people, produces a positive experience. The muscles oftheirfaceandvocalcordsrelax,theirbloodpressureandheartratenormalize,and theybecomemoreopen toexperiencingwhateveranother person wants to express. In short, they become morereceptive.Whereas reactivity emerges from our downstairs brainandleavesusfeelingshutdown,upset,anddefensive,areceptivestate turns on the social engagement system that involves adi erent set of circuits of the upstairs brain that connects us toothers,allowingustofeelsafeandseen.When interactingwith our kids, it can be extremely helpful todecipherwhether they’re inareactiveorreceptivestateofmind.Thisofcourserequiresmindsightonourpart.Weneedtoconsiderwhere our kids are emotionally (andwherewe ourselves are) atany given moment. If your four-year-old is screaming “I wannaswing longer!” as you carry her under one arm away from thepark, that may not be the best time to talk to her aboutappropriatewaysofhandlingbigemotions.Waituntilthisreactivestate passes; then, when she’s more receptive, talk to her abouthowyou’dliketoseeherrespondthenexttimeshe’sdisappointed.

Likewise, when your eleven-year-old nds out that he didn’t getacceptedintotheartprogramhe’dsethishearton,youmayneedto hold o on word-heavy pronouncements of hope andalternatives.Thedownstairsstateofreactivitydoesn’tknowwhattodowithalotofupstairswords.Often,inmomentsofreactivity,nonverbals (like hugs and empathetic facial expressions) will bemuchmorepowerful.Overtime,wewanttohelpourchildrenbecomemorereceptiveto relationships, andhelp themdevelopmindsight skills thatwillletthemjoinwithothers.Thenreceptivitycanleadtoresonance—awayofjoiningfromtheinsideout—thatwillallowthemtoenjoythe depth and intimacy that comewithmeaningful relationships.Otherwise,achild is leftadrift,motivatedbya senseof isolationratherthanadesireandabilitytojoin.One nalnotebeforeweturntostepswecantaketoencouragereceptivity and relational skills: as we help children be morereceptive to joining with others, we need to keep in mind theimportanceofmaintaining their individual identity aswell. For aten-year-oldgirlwho’sdoingeverythingwithinherpowerto tinwithacliqueofmeangirlsatschool,theproblemmaynotbethatshe’snot receptiveenough to joininga“we.”Theconcern forhermaybe just the opposite, that she’s lost sight of her “me” and isthereforegoingalongwitheverythingthissetofbulliestellshertodo. Any healthy relationship—whether it’s family, friendship,romantic, or otherwise—is made up of healthy individuals inconnection with others. To become a part of a well-functioning“we,”apersonneedsalsotoremainanindividual“me.”Justaswedon’twant our kids to be only right-brainedor only left-brained,we also don’twant them to be only individualistic, leaving themsel sh and isolated, or only relational, leaving them needy,dependent,andvulnerabletounhealthyandharmfulrelationships.We want them to be whole-brained, and enjoy integrated

relationships.

WhatYouCanDo:HelpingYourChildIntegrateSelfandOther

Whole-BrainStrategy#11:IncreasetheFamilyFunFactor:MakingaPointtoEnjoyEachOther

Do you ever feel like you’re spending most of your time eitherdiscipliningthekidsorcartingthemfromoneactivitytothenext,and not enough time just enjoying being with them? If you do,you’renotalone;mostofusfeelthisfromtimetotime.Sometimesit’s easy to forget to just have fun as a family. Yet we arehardwiredforplayandexplorationaswellasforjoiningwithoneanother. In fact, “playful parenting” is one of the best ways toprepare your children for relationships and encourage them toconnect with others. That’s because it gives them positiveexperiencesbeingwiththepeopletheyspendthemosttimewith:theirparents.Ofcoursechildrenneedstructureandboundariesandtobeheldaccountable for their behavior, but even as you maintain yourauthority,don’tforgettohavefunwithyourkids.Playgames.Telljokes.Besilly.Takeaninterestinwhattheycareabout.Themoretheyenjoythetimetheyspendwithyouandtherestofthefamily,themore they’ll value relationships anddesiremorepositive andhealthyrelationalexperiencesinthefuture.Thereasonissimple.Witheveryfun,enjoyableexperienceyougive your children while they are with the family, you providethem with positive reinforcement about what it means to be inloving relationship with others. One reason has to do with achemical in your brain called dopamine. Dopamine is a

neurotransmitter, which means that it enables communicationbetweenbraincells.Yourbraincellsreceivewhatsomepeoplecall“dopamine squirts” when something pleasurable happens to you,and itmotivatesyou towant todo it again.Scientistswho studyaddiction point to these dopamine surges as factors that leadpeople tomaintain a certain habit or addiction, even when theyknow it’s bad for them. Butwe can also help produce dopaminesquirts that reinforce positive and healthy desires, like enjoyingfamily relationships. Dopamine is the chemical of reward—andplayandfunarerewardinginourlives.What thismeans is thatwhenyoursonsqueals indelightwhenyoudramatically“die”fromhisPeterPanswordthrust,whenyouand your daughter dance together at a concert or in the livingroom,orwhenyouandyourkidsworktogetheronagardeningorconstructionproject,theexperiencestrengthensthebondsbetweenyou and teaches your kids that relationships are a rming,rewarding, and ful lling. So give it a shot, maybe even tonight.After dinner, call out, “Everybody take your plate back to thekitchen, then nd one blanket and meet me in the living room.We’rehavingPopsiclesinaforttonight!”Another fun family activity that also teaches receptivity is toplay improvgames together.Thebasicconcept is similar towhatimprov comedians do when the audience gives them suggestionsand the comedians have to take the random ideas and combinetheminfunnywaysthatmakesomesortofsense.Ifyouandyourkids are performers, you can actually do this kind of improvtogether.Buttherearesimplerversionsoftheactivityaswell.Letsomeonebeginastory,thenafteronesentence,thenextpersonhasto add to it, followedby the next person, and so on.Games andactivities like thesenotonlykeep the family fun factorhigh,butalso givekidspractice at being receptive to theunexpected turnslifepresentsthem.Youdon’twanttoturnthegameintoaserious

classroom experience, but watch for ways to explicitly connectwhat you’re doing to the concept of receptivity. Spontaneityandcreativity are important abilities, andnovelty also gets dopaminegoing.Thefun-factorprinciplealsoappliestotheexperiencesyougiveyour kids as siblings. Recent studies have found that the bestpredictor for good sibling relationships later in life is howmuchfunthekidshavetogetherwhenthey’reyoung.Therateofcon ictcanevenbehigh,aslongasthere’splentyoffuntobalanceitout.The real danger comes when the siblings just ignore each other.Theremaybelesstensiontodealwith,butthat’salsoarecipeforacoldanddistantrelationshipasadults.Soifyouwanttodevelopcloselong-termrelationshipsbetweenyour kids, think of it as a math equation, where the amount ofenjoyment theyshare togethershouldbegreater than thecon icttheyexperience.You’renevergoingtogetthecon ictsideoftheequation to zero. Siblings argue; they just do. But if you canincreasetheothersideoftheequation,givingthemactivitiesthatproduce positive emotions and memories, you’ll create strongbonds between them and set up a relationship that has a goodchanceofremainingsolidforlife.Somesiblingfunwilloccurnaturally,butyoucanhelpitalong,too.Breakoutanewboxofsidewalkchalkandhavethemcreateacrazy new monster together. Let them use the video camera tomakeamovie.Havethemteamuptogetherforasurpriseprojectto give to a grandparent. However you do it—family bike rides,board games,making cookies, teaming up againstMomwith thewater guns, whatever— nd ways to help your kids have funtogetherandstrengthenthebondsthatconnectthem.Youcanalsousefun,andevensilliness,toshiftyourchildren’sstateofmindwhentheybecomestuckinanangryorde antstate.Sometimes they won’t be in the mood to have you act silly or

playful, so be sensitive to the cues you receive, especially witholderkids.But ifyou’resensitivetohowyourplayfulnesswillbereceived, this can be an extremely powerful and easilyimplementedwaytohelpchildrenshifthowtheyarefeeling.Your state of mind can in uence your child’s state of mind,letting you transform fussiness and irritability into fun, laughter,andconnection.

Whole-BrainStrategy#12:ConnectionThroughConflict:TeachKidstoArguewitha“We”inMind

Wemightwishwecouldsomehowhelpourkidsavoidallcon ict,butwecan’t.Ifthey’regoingtobeinrelationships,they’regoingtofacequarrelsanddisagreements.Wecan,though,teachthemsomebasic mindsight skills so they’ll know how tomanage con ict inhealthy and productive ways, and respond when things don’t goperfectlyastheyinteractwithothers.Onceagain,eachnewdisagreementismorethanjustadi cultytosurvive.Itrepresentsanotheropportunityforyoutoteachyourchildren important lessons so they can thrive, in this caserelationally. Handling con ictwell isn’t easy, even for adults, sowe can’t expect too much of our children. But there are somesimple skills we can teach them that will help us all surviveindividual con icts, as well as help our children thrive as theymove toward adulthood. Let’s look at three of these mindsight-buildingskills.

SeeThroughtheOtherPerson’sEyes:HelpKidsRecognizeOtherPointsofView

Doesthisscenariosoundfamiliar?You’reworkingatyourdeskandyour seven-year-olddaughterapproaches.She’s clearlyangry.Sheannounces thatheryoungerbrother,Mark, just calledher stupid.You ask why he might have said that, and your daughter isadamantthatthere’snoreason—hejustsaidit!Itcanbedi cultforanyofustoseethingsfromsomeoneelse’sperspective.Weseewhatwesee,andoftenonlywhatwewant tosee.Butthemorewecanuseourmindsighttovieweventsthroughtheeyesofanother,thebetterchancewehaveofresolvingcon ictinahealthymanner.That’satoughskilltoteachchildren,especiallyinthemiddleofaheatedargument.Butifweourselvescanremainawareofwhatwe’re actually saying, we have a better chance of teaching the

lessons wewant. For example, your inclinationmight be to say,“Well,whatdidyoudo toMark? I’m surehedidn’t just call youstupidoutoftheblue!”

But if you can remain calm and aware of what you want to

teach, you might go at the conversation a bit di erently. Firstyou’d want to demonstrate an awareness of your daughter’sfeelings. (Remember, connect rst, then redirect.) This willdecreaseyourdaughter’sdefensivenessandpreparehertoseehowherbrotherfeels.Thenyoucouldaimforthegoalofcreatingsomeempathyinyourdaughter.Granted,wewon’talwaysgetthroughtoourkids.Butbyaskingquestions about how another person feels, about why someonereactedashedid,wecanencourageempathyinourchildren.Theactofconsideringthemindofanotherrequiresustouseourrighthemisphere andour upstairs brain, both ofwhich are part of thesocial circuitry that allows us to enjoy mature and ful llingrelationships.

ListentoWhat’sNotBeingSaid:TeachKidsAboutNonverbalCommunicationandAttuningtoOthers

It’s great that we teach our children to pay attention to whatpeopleare saying:“Listen tohiswords.Hesaidhedidn’twant tobesprayedbythehose!”Butanimportantpartofrelationshipsislistening to what’snot being said. Usually kids aren’t naturallyskilled at this. That’s why, when you reprimand your son formakinghislittlesistercrybydippinghispretzelsintoheryogurt,heresponds,“Butshelikesit!We’replayingagame.”Nonverbalcluessometimescommunicateevenmorethanwords,soweneedtohelpourchildrenuse their righthemisphere togetgoodatunderstandingwhatotherpeopleare saying,even if theynever open their mouth.With themirror neuron system alreadyworking, all kids need is for us to help themmake explicitwhattheir mirror neurons are communicating. For example, afterwinningabig soccergame,your sonmightneedyou tohelphimnoticethathisfriendontheotherteamisinneedofsomecheering

up, even if he says he’s ne. As evidence, you can point to thefriend’s body language and facial expressions—the droopingshoulders, the lowered head, the downcast face. By helping yoursonmake these simpleobservationsyou’ll increasehismindsight,and for therestofhis lifehe’llbebetterequipped toreadothersandtuneintotheirfeelings.

Repair:TeachKidstoMakeThingsRightAfteraConflict

Weknowtheimportanceofapologizing,andweteachourchildrento say they’re sorry. But kids also need to realize that at times,that’s only the beginning. Sometimes they need to take steps torightwhateverthey’vedonewrong.Thesituationmightcallforaspeci c,directresponse:repairingor replacing a broken toy, or helping to rebuild some sort ofproject. Or a more relational response might be warranted, likedrawingtheotherpersonapicture,performinganactofkindness,orwritingaletterofapology.Thepointisthatyou’rehelpingyourkids demonstrate acts of love and contrition that show they’vethoughtaboutanother’s feelingsandwant to ndawaytorepairtheruptureintherelationship.This connects directly to the twowhole-brain strategies above,aboutempathyandattuningtoothers’ feelings.Tosincerelywanttomakethingsright,achildmustunderstandhowtheotherpersonisfeelingandwhythatpersonisupset.Thentheparentcanmorepro tablybringupthequestion“If itwereyouandyourfavoritethingwere broken,whatwould help you feel better?” Each newmovement toward considering someone else’s feelings createsstrongerconnections intherelationalcircuitryofthebrain.Whenwebreakthroughourchildren’sdefensivenessandtheirreluctanceto accept responsibility, we can help them be thoughtful aboutothers they’vehurt, andmakeane ort toward reconnection.We

help them develop mindsight. Sometimes a sincere apology isenough, especiallywhen combinedwith honesty and sincerity: “IdidthatbecauseIwasfeelingjealous,andI’msorry.”Butkidsalsoneedtolearnwhatitmeanstogotheextramileandtakespeci cstepstowardreconciliation.Let’s return to Colin, the seven-year-old whose parents felt hewastoosel sh.Wewishwecouldo erRonandSandysomesortofmagicbullet,acure-allforegocentrismandotherdevelopmentalfrustrationstheyencounterwiththeirson.Butobviouslywecan’t.Thegoodnews,though,isthatsimplybylovingColinandhelpinghim see the bene ts of relationships—beginning with hisinteractions with his parents and brother—Ron and Sandy arealreadyhelpinghimunderstandtheimportanceofconsideringandconnectingwithothers.Beyond that, by emphasizing the “connection through con ict”skills we’re discussing here, they can help him continue movingtowardconsideringthefeelingsofothers.Forexample,whenColinredecorated his room and removed his brother’s belongings, thispresentedateachablemoment,whichhisparentscouldusetohelpColin learna lotaboutbeing in relationship.Toooftenwe forgetthat “discipline” really means “to teach”—not “to punish.” Adisciple is a student, not a recipient of behavioral consequences.When we teach mindsight, we take moments of con ict andtransformthem intoopportunities for learning, skillbuilding,andbraindevelopment.In that moment, Ron could ask Colin to look at his brother,cryingashepickedupandstraightenedouthisvariouspaintings,and notice the nonverbal evidence of how hurt Logan was. ThiscouldleadtoathoughtfuldiscussionabouthowLoganviewedthescene—the crumpled paintings, the thrown-aside trophies. SimplygettingColintoactuallyseeLogan’sperspectivewouldbeaprettybigbreakthroughwithlong-lastingbene ts.Ameretime-outmight

ormightnotteachColinnottoremovehisbrother’sthingswithoutpermission,butitwouldn’tgeneralizeintoamindsightskill.Finally, Ron and Sandy could discuss what should happen tomakethingsright,includinghavingColinapologizeandworkwithLogantocreatesomenewpaintingstohangonthesharedwallintheroom.Bychoosingtousethesituationforgrowthandteaching,rather than avoiding it as an unpleasant obstacle, Colin’s parentscouldconvertsomefairlyintensecon ictintoathrivemomentandhelpbothoftheirsonslearnimportantlessonsaboutwhatitmeanstobe ina relationship.Thekey isopeningupmindsight’s lens tomake the perception of each boy’s inner world available forinspection.Mindsightpermitschildrentosensetheimportanceoftheinnerlifeofthoughtsandfeelings.Withoutsuchdevelopment,behaviorsbecome just interactions a child responds to from the surface,something to “deal with” as an automatic reaction withoutre ection. Parents are a child’s rst mindsight teachers, usingchallengingmomentstoengageachild’sowncircuitsofre ectionto view our shared inner worlds. As children develop thesemindsightskills,theycanlearntobalancetheimportanceoftheirowninnerliveswiththoseofothers.Thesere ectiveskillsarealsothe basis for how children learn to balance their own emotionswhile understanding the emotional lives of the people aroundthem. Mindsight is the basis of both social and emotionalintelligence. It allows children to learn that they are a part of alargerworldofrelationshipswherefeelingsmatterandconnectionsareasourceofreward,meaning,andfun.

Whole-BrainKids:TeachYourKidsAboutIntegratingtheSelfwiththeOther

Now that you’ve learned a good bit about mindsight, here’ssomethingyoucanreadtoyourownchildtointroducetheconceptofseeingyourownandeachother’sminds.

IntegratingOurselves:MakingSenseofOurOwnStory

The most important “we” in your life as a parent is therelationship you share with your child. That relationship

signi cantlyimpactsyourchild’sfuture.Researchstudieshaveconsistently shown that when parents o er repeated,predictable experiences in which they see and sensitivelyrespondtotheirchildren’semotionsandneeds,theirchildrenwill thrive—socially, emotionally, physically, and evenacademically.While it’snot exactlya revelation thatkidsdobetterwhentheyenjoystrongrelationshipswiththeirparents,whatmay surprise you iswhatproduces this kindof parent-child connection. It’s not how our parents raised us, or howmany parenting books we’ve read. It’s actually how wellwe’ve made sense of our experiences with our own parentsandhowsensitivewearetoourchildrenthatmostpowerfullyin uence our relationship with our kids, and therefore howwelltheythrive.It all comes down to what we call our life narrative, thestory we tell when we look at who we are and how we’vebecomethepersonthatweare.Ourlifenarrativedeterminesourfeelingsaboutourpast,ourunderstandingofwhypeople(likeourparents)behavedas theydid,andourawarenessofthe way those events have impacted our development intoadulthood.Whenwehaveacoherent lifenarrative,wehavemadesenseofhowthepasthascontributedtowhoweareandwhatwedo.A lifenarrative thathasn’tbeenexaminedandmade senseofmaylimitusinthepresent,andmayalsocauseustoparentreactively and pass down to our children the same painfullegacy that negatively a ected our own early days. Forinstance, imagine that your father had a di cult childhood.Perhapshishomewasanemotionaldesert,wherehisparents

didn’tcomforthimwhenhewasafraidorsad,andtheywereevencoldanddistant,leavinghimtoweatherlife’shardshipson his own. If they failed to pay attention to him and hisemotions, he would be wounded in signi cant ways. As aresult,hewouldgrowintoadulthoodlimitedinhisabilitytogiveyouwhatyouneedashischild.Hemightbeincapableofintimacyandrelationship;hecouldhavedi cultyrespondingtoyouremotionsandneeds,tellingyouto“toughenup”whenyou felt sad or alone or afraid.All of thismight even resultfrom implicit memories of which he’d have no awareness.Then you, as you became an adult and a parent yourself,would be in danger of passing down the same damagingpatternstoyourownkids.That’sthebadnews.Thegoodnews,though—thebetter-than-goodnews—isthatif you make sense of your experiences andunderstand yourfather’swoundednessandrelationallimitations,youcanbreakthecycleofhandingdownsuchpain.Youcanbegintore ectonthoseexperiencesandhowthey’veimpactedyou.You might be tempted to simply parent in a way exactlyoppositeofhowyourparentsdidit.Buttheidea,instead,istoopenly re ect on how your experiences with your parentshave a ected you. You may need to deal with implicitmemories that are in uencing youwithout your realizing it.Sometimesitcanbehelpfultodothisworkwithatherapist,or share your experienceswith a friend.However youdo it,it’simportantthatyoubegingettingclearonyourownstory,because through mirror neurons and implicit memory, wedirectlypassonouremotionallifetoourchildren—forbetteror for worse. Knowing that our kids live with and through

whatever we’re experiencing is a powerful insight that canmotivate us to begin and continue our journey towardunderstanding our own stories, the joys as well as the pain.Thenwecanattune to theneedsandsignalsofourchildren,creatingsecureattachmentandstrongandhealthyconnection.Researchshowsthatevenadultswhoexperiencedless-than-optimal childhoods can parent every bit as e ectively, andraisechildrenwhofeeljustaslovedandsecurelyattached,asthose whose home life was more consistent and loving. It’snever too late to begin working on your coherent lifenarrative,andasyoudo,yourchildrenwillreaptherewards.

We want to make this point as clearly as possible: earlyexperience isnot fate.Bymakingsenseofyourpastyoucanfree yourself from what might otherwise be a cross-generational legacy of pain and insecure attachment, andinsteadcreatean inheritanceofnurturanceand loveforyourchildren.

CONCLUSION

BringingitAllTogether

We all have hopes and dreams for our children. Formost of us,they involve wanting our kids to be happy, healthy, and fullythemselves.Ourmessage throughout this bookhas been that youcanhelpcreatethisrealityforyourkidsbypayingattentionduringthe everyday, ordinary experiences you share with them. Thatmeans you can use the obvious teachablemoments, but also thedi cultchallengesandeven thehumdrum“nothing’s reallygoingon” times, as opportunities to prepare your children to be happyand successful, to enjoy good relationships, and to feel contentwithwhotheyare.Inshort,tobewhole-brainchildren.One of the main bene ts of the whole-brain perspective, aswe’ve discussed, is that it empowers you to transform the dailyparentingchallengesthatcaninterruptthefunandconnectionyouhavewith your children.Whole-brain parenting allows you to gofarbeyondmeresurvival.Thisapproachpromotesconnectionanda deeper understanding between you and your children. Anawarenessofintegrationgivesyouthecompetenceandcon dencetohandlethingsinwaysthatmakeyouclosertoyourkids,soyoucan know their minds, and therefore help shape their minds inpositiveandhealthyways.Asaresult,notonlywillyourchildrenthrive,butyourrelationshipwiththemwillflourishaswell.So whole-brain parenting isn’t just about who your adorable—and at times no doubt exasperating—child is right now, but alsoaboutwhoshewillbecomeinthefuture.It’saboutintegratingherbrain,nurturinghermind,andgivingherskillsthatwillbene theras she grows into adolescence and adulthood. By encouraging

integration in your children and helping develop their upstairsbrain, youprepare them to be better friends, better spouses, andbetterparents.Forexample,whenachild learnshow toSIFT forthe sensations, images, feelings, and thoughts in his mind, he’llhaveamuchdeeperunderstandingofhimself, andhe’ll thereforebebetterabletocontrolhimselfandconnectwithothers.Likewise,byteachingaboutconnectionthroughcon ict,yougiveyourchildthe invaluable gift of seeing that even unpleasant arguments areopportunities to engagewithand learn from themindsofothers.Integrationisaboutsurvivingandthriving,andaboutyourchild’swell-beingnowandinthefuture.It’sextraordinarywhenyouthinkaboutthegenerationalimpactof thewhole-brain approach. Do you realize the power you nowhave to e ect positive change in the future? By giving yourchildren the gift of using theirwhole brain, you’re impacting notjust their lives, but also those of the people with whom theyinteract.Remembermirrorneuronsandhowsocialthebrainis?Aswe’veexplained,yourchild’sbrain isn’tan isolated,“singleskull”organ, acting in a vacuum. Self and family and community arefundamentallyconnectedneurologically.Eveninourbusy,driven,andoftenisolatedlives,wecanrememberthisfundamentalreality,thatwe’reallinterdependentandconnectedwithoneanother.Children who learn this truth have the chance not only todevelophappinessandmeaningandwisdomintheirownlives,butto pass their knowledge along to others as well. When, forexample, you help your kids use their internal remote to maketheirimplicitmemoriesexplicit,you’rehelpingcreatewithinthemtheskillofself-re ectionthatwillmakethemmuchmorecapableofmeaningful interactionswithothers throughout their lives.Thesamegoesforteachingthemabouttheirwheelofawareness.Oncethey understand about integrating themany parts of themselves,they’ll be able to comprehend themselvesmuchmoredeeply and

actively choose how they interact with the people around them.Theycancaptain the shipof their lives,moreeasilyavoiding thebanks of chaos and rigidity, and more often remaining in theharmoniousflowofwell-being.We’ve found time and again that teaching people aboutintegration and how to apply it in their daily lives has deep andlasting positive e ects. For kids, this approach can change thedirection of how they develop and set the stage for a life ofmeaning, kindness, exibility, and resilience. Some children whohavebeenraisedwithawhole-brainapproachwillsaythingsthatseemwisebeyond their years.A three-year-oldweknowbecamesogoodatidentifyingandcommunicatingseeminglycontradictoryemotions that he told his parents, when they returned after he’dspentaneveningwithhisbabysitter,“Imissedyouguyswhenyouwere gone, but I also had funwith Katie.” And a seven-year-oldtoldherparentsonthewaytoafamilypicnic,“I’vedecidednottofuss aboutmy hurt thumb at the park. I’ll just tell people I hurtmyself, and then have fun and play anyway.” This level of self-awarenessmayseemremarkableinchildrensoyoung,butitshowsyouwhat’s possiblewith thewhole-brain approach.When you’vebecome the active author of your life story and not merely thepassivescribeofhistoryasitunfolds,youcancreatealifethatyoulove.You can see how this kind of self-awareness would lead tohealthierrelationshipsdowntheroad,andespeciallywhatitcouldmeanforyourchildren’sownkidswhentheybecomeparents.Byraising a whole-brain child, you’re actually o ering your futuregrandchildrenanimportantgift.Foramoment,closeyoureyesandimagineyourchildholdinghischild,andrealizethepowerofwhatyouarepassingon.Anditwon’tstopthere.Yourgrandchildrencantakewhattheylearnfromtheirparentsandpassitfurtheralongasa continuing legacy of joy and happiness. Imaginewatching your

ownchildrenconnectandredirectwithyourgrandchildren!Thisishowweintegrateourlivesacrossthegenerations.Wehope this visionwill inspireyou tobecome theparent youwanttobe.Granted,sometimesyou’llfallshortofyourideals.Andyes,muchofwhatwe’vesharedrequiresreale ortonthepartofyou and your children. It’s not always easy, after all, to go backand retell stories about painful experiences, or to remember toengagetheupstairswhenyourchildisupset,ratherthantriggeringthe downstairs. But every whole-brain strategy o ers practicalstepsyoucantakerightnowtomakeyour lifeasafamilybetterand more manageable. You don’t need to become a perfectsuperparent or follow some sort of prescribed agenda thatprograms your kids to be ideal little robot children. You’ll stillmakeplentyofmistakes(justaswedo),andsowillyourkids(justasoursdo).Butthebeautyofthewhole-brainperspectiveisthatitletsyouunderstandthateventhemistakesareopportunities togrowand learn. This approach involves being intentional about whatwe’redoingandwherewe’regoing,whileacceptingthatweareallhuman.Intentionandattentionareourgoals,notsomerigid,harshexpectationofperfection.Onceyoudiscover thewhole-brainapproach,you’ll likelywantto share itwith the others in your lifewhowill join you in thisgreat responsibility of raising the future. Whole-brain parentsbecome enthusiastic about sharing what they know with otherparentsaswellaswithteachersandcaregiverswhocanworkasateam to promote health and well-being in their children. As youcreate a whole-brain family, you also join a broader vision ofcreatinganentiresocietyfullofrich,relationalcommunitieswhereemotional well-being is nurtured for this and future generations.We are all synaptically and socially connected, and bringingintegrationintoourlivescreatesaworldofwell-being.Youcanseehowpassionatelywebelieveinthepositiveimpact

parents can have on their children and on society as a whole.There’snothingmoreimportantyoucandoasaparentthantobeintentionalabout thewayyou’reshapingyourchild’smind.Whatyoudomattersprofoundly.Thatbeingsaid,don’tputtoomuchpressureonyourself.We’veemphasized the importance of taking advantage of the momentsyouhavewithyourkids,butit’snotrealistictothinkyoucandothis100percentof the time.Thepoint is to remainawareof thedaily opportunities to nurture your kids’ development. Butthatdoesn’tmeanyouhavetobeconstantlytalkingaboutthebrainorrepeatedly prodding your children to recall signi cant events intheir lives. It’s just as important to relax and have fun together.Andyes,sometimesit’sevenokaytoletateachablemomentpassby.We realize that all this talk about your power to shape yourchildren’sminds and in uence the future can feel intimidating atrst, especially since genes and experiences a ect kids in waysparents simply can’t control. But if you really get the concept ofTheWhole-BrainChildat itsessence,you’ll see that itcan liberateyoufromyourfearsthatyou’renotdoingagoodenoughjobwithyour kids. It’s not your responsibility to avoid all mistakes, anymore than you’re supposed to remove all obstacles your childrenface. Instead, your job is to be present with your children andconnectwiththemthroughtheupsanddownsoflife’sjourney.ThegreatnewsTheWhole-BrainChildo ersisthateventhehardtimesyougothroughwithyourkids,eventhemistakesyoumakeasyouparent,areopportunitiestohelpyourchildrengrow,learn,and develop into people who are happy, healthy, and fullythemselves.Rather than ignoring theirbigemotionsordistractingthem from their struggles, you can nurture their whole brain,walkingwiththemthroughthesechallenges, stayingpresentandthusstrengthening the parent-child bond and helping your kids feel

seen, heard, and cared for.We hopewhatwe’ve shared in thesepageswill giveyou the solid foundationand inspiration to createthe lifeyouwant foryourchildrenandyour family,nowandfortheyearsandgenerationstocome.

REFRIGERATORSHEET

TheWhole-BrainChildbyDanielJ.SiegelandTinaPayneBryson

Todownloadaprintablerefrigeratorsheet,pleasevisithttp://rhlink.com/wbc001

INTEGRATINGTHELEFTANDRIGHTBRAIN

•Left+right=clarityandunderstanding:Helpyourkidsuseboththelogicalleftbrainandtheemotionalrightbrainasateam.•Whatyoucando:•Connectandredirect:Whenyourchildisupset,connectfirstemotionally,rightbraintorightbrain.Then,onceyourchildismoreincontrolandreceptive,bringintheleft-brainlessonsanddiscipline.

•Nameittotameit:Whenbig,right-brainemotionsareragingoutofcontrol,helpyourkidstellthestoryaboutwhat’supsettingthem,sotheirleftbraincanhelpmakesenseoftheirexperienceandtheycanfeelmoreincontrol.

INTEGRATINGTHEUPSTAIRSBRAINANDTHEDOWNSTAIRSBRAIN

•Developtheupstairsbrain:Watchforwaystohelpbuildthesophisticatedupstairsbrain,whichis“underconstruction”duringchildhoodandadolescenceandcanbe“hijacked”bythedownstairsbrain,especiallyinhigh-emotionsituations.•Whatyoucando:

•Engage,don’tenrage:Inhigh-stresssituations,engageyourchild’supstairsbrain,ratherthantriggeringthedownstairsbrain.Don’timmediatelyplaythe“BecauseIsaidso!”card.Instead,askquestions,requestalternatives,evennegotiate.

•Useitorloseit:Providelotsofopportunitiestoexercisetheupstairsbrain.Play“Whatwouldyoudo?”games,andavoidrescuingkidsfromdifficultdecisions.

•Moveitorloseit:Whenachildhaslosttouchwithhisupstairsbrain,helphimregainbalancebyhavinghimmovehisbody.

INTEGRATINGMEMORY

•Maketheimplicitexplicit:Helpyourkidsmaketheirimplicitmemoriesexplicit,sothatpastexperiencesdon’taffectthemindebilitatingways.•Whatyoucando:•Usetheremoteofthemind:Whenachildisreluctanttonarrateapainfulevent,theinternalremoteletsherpause,rewind,andfast-forwardastoryasshetellsit,soshecanmaintaincontroloverhowmuchofitsheviews.

•Remembertoremember:Helpyourkidsexercisetheirmemorybygivingthemlotsofpracticeatrecallingimportantevents:inthecar,atthedinnertable,wherever.

INTEGRATINGTHEMANYPARTSOFMYSELF

•Thewheelofawareness:Whenyourkidsgetstuckononeparticularpointontherimoftheirwheelofawareness,helpthemchoosewheretheyfocustheirattentionsotheycangain

morecontroloverhowtheyfeel.•Whatyoucando:•Letthecloudsofemotionrollby:Remindkidsthatfeelingscomeandgo;theyaretemporarystates,notenduringtraits.

•SIFT:HelpyourchildrenpayattentiontotheSensations,Images,Feelings,andThoughtswithinthem.

•Exercisemindsight:Mindsightpracticesteachchildrentocalmthemselvesandfocustheirattentionwheretheywant.

INTEGRATINGSELFANDOTHER

•Wiredfor“we”:Watchforwaystocapitalizeonthebrain’sbuilt-incapacityforsocialinteraction.Createpositivementalmodelsofrelationships.•Whatyoucando:•Enjoyeachother:Buildfunintothefamily,sothatyourkidsenjoypositiveandsatisfyingexperienceswiththepeoplethey’rewiththemost.

•Connectthroughconflict:Insteadofanobstacletoavoid,viewconflictasanopportunitytoteachyourkidsessentialrelationshipskills,likeseeingotherpeople’sperspectives,readingnonverbalcues,andmakingamends.

Whole-BrainAgesandStages

As your kids get older, you may nd yourself wanting helpapplying the twelve whole-brain strategies to each new age andstage.With that inmind,we’ve put together the following chart,whichyoucanuseasareferenceguideanytimeyouneedaquickrefresher.Someofwhatwerecommendbelowwilloverlapacrossdi erent ages since the strategies are relevant for di erentdevelopmentalstages.Ourgoalistoensurethatthebookcontinuesto be a vital resource as your child grows and changes, and thatyouhaveclearandspeci ctoolsatyourdisposalforeachstageofdevelopment.

Infant/Toddler(0–3)

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingtheLeftandRightBrain

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#1: Connect and redirect:When your child is upset, connect rstemotionally, rightbrain to rightbrain.Then,once she ismore incontrolandreceptive,bringintheleft-brainlessonsanddiscipline.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYNowisthetime,asearlyaspossible,tobeginteachingyourchildaboutemotions.Mirrorfeelingsandusenonverbals(likehugsandempatheticfacialexpressions)toshowthatyouunderstand:You’refrustrated, aren’t you? Then, once you’ve connected, set theboundary:Biting hurts. Please be gentle. Finally, focus on anappropriatealternativeormoveon tosomethingelse:Hey, there’s

yourbear.Ihaven’tseenhiminalongtime.

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#2:Name it to tame it:Whenbig, right-brain emotions are ragingoutofcontrol,helpyourchildtellthestoryaboutwhat’supsettinghim. In doing so, he’ll use his left brain to make sense of hisexperienceandfeelmoreincontrol.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYEvenatthisyoungage,makeitahabittoacknowledgeandnamefeelings:You look so sad. That really hurt, didn’t it? Then tell thestory.Withsmallchildren,you’llneedtobetheprimarynarrator.Use your words and even act out the fall or the bump, possiblyusinghumor,andwatchyourchild’s fascination. Itcanbehelpfulto make a homemade book with pictures or photos to retell anupsettingstory,ortoprepareyourchildforatransition,likeanewbedtimeroutineorstartingpreschool.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingtheUpstairsandDownstairs

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#3: Engage, don’t enrage: In high-stress situations, engage yourchild’s upstairs brain by asking her to consider and plan andchoose, rather than triggering her downstairs brain,which is lessaboutthinkingandmoreaboutreacting.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYNobody likes to be told no, and it’s an especially ine ectivestrategy to use too often with toddlers. When possible, avoidoutright power struggles with your little one. Save your no forwhenyoureallyneedit.Thenexttimeyouhearyourselfbeginningtoforbidherfromhittingthemirrorwiththestick,stop.Instead,

engage her upstairs brain:Let’s gooutside.What couldyoudowiththatstickintheyard?

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#4:Use it or lose it: Provide lots of opportunities to exercise theupstairs brain so it can be strong and integrated with thedownstairsbrainandthebody.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYAs often as possible, ndways to let your child use her upstairsbrainandmakedecisionsforherself.Doyouwanttowearyourblueor red shirt today?Wouldyou likemilkorwaterwithdinner?Whenyou read together, ask brain-growing questions:Howdoyou thinkthekittywillgetdownfromthetree?Whydoesthegirllooksad?

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingtheUpstairsandDownstairs

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#5: Move it or lose it: A powerful way to help a child regainupstairs-downstairsbalanceistohavehimmovehisbody.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYWhenyourchild isupset,make sure toacknowledgehis feelings.This should always be your rst move. But then, as quickly aspossible, get himmoving. Roughhousewith him. Play follow theleader.Racehim tohisbedroomandback.Gethim tomoveandyou’llchangehismood.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingMemory

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY

#6: Use the remote of the mind: After an upsetting event, theinternalremoteletsachildpause,rewind,andfast-forwardastoryasshetellsit,soshecanmaintaincontroloverhowmuchofitsheviews.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYChildrenthissmallmaynotknowaboutaremote,buttheyknowthepowerofastory.Enjoythistimewhenyourchildwantstotell(and retell) stories. Rather than pausing and fast-forwarding, youmayendup simplypressingplay repeatedly as you tell the samestorymultipletimes.Evenifyoufeelannoyedathavingtogoovertheaccount againandagain, remember that storytellingproducesunderstanding,healing,andintegration.

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#7:Remembertoremember:Helpyourkidsexercisetheirmemorybygivingthemlotsofpracticeatremembering.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYAtthisage,asksimplequestions,focusingonreturningyourchild’sattentiontothedetailsofherday.WewenttoCarrie’shousetoday,didn’twe?Anddoyourememberwhatwedid there?Questions likethesearethebuildingblocksforanintegratedmemorysystem.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingtheManyPartsofMyself

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#8:Letthecloudsofemotionrollby:Remindkidsthatfeelingscomeandgo.Fear, frustration,and lonelinessare temporarystates,notenduringtraits.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYLay the foundation for an awareness of the di erence between

“feel”and“am.”Whenyoungchildrenfeelsad(orangryorafraid),they have a hard timeunderstanding that theywon’t always feelthatway.Sohelpthemsay,“Ifeelsadrightnow,butIknowI’llbehappylater.”Becareful,though,thatyoudon’tdismisstheactualfeelings. Acknowledge the present emotion and provide comfort,thenhelpyourchildunderstandthathewon’tfeelsadforever,thathewillfeelbettersoon.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingtheManyPartsofMyself

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#9:SIFT:Helpyourchildrennoticeandunderstandthesensations,images,feelings,andthoughtswithinthem.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYHelp your child become aware of and talk about her internalworld. Ask questions that guide her toward noticing bodilysensations(Areyouhungry?),mental images (What do you picturewhen you think about Grandma’s house?), feelings (It’s frustratingwhen theblocks fall, isn’t it?),andthoughts(Whatdoyou thinkwillhappenwhenJillcomesovertomorrow?).

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#10:Exercisemindsight:Mindsightpracticesteachchildrentocalmthemselvesandfocustheirattentionwheretheywant.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYEvensmallchildrencan learntobestillandtakecalmbreaths, ifonlyforafewseconds.Haveyourchildlieonherbackandplaceatoyboatonherstomach.Showherhowtotakeslow,bigbreathstomake the boat go up and down. Keep this exercise very shortsince she’s so young. Just let her experience the feeling of being

still,quiet,andpeaceful.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingSelfandOther

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#11:Increasethefamilyfunfactor:Buildfunintothefamily,sothatyourkidsenjoypositiveandsatisfyingexperienceswiththepeoplethey’rewiththemost.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYFollowyourchild’sleadandjustplay.Ticklehim,laughwithhim,love him. Stack things up, knock them down. Bang on pots andpans,gotothepark,rolltheball.Witheveryinteractioninwhichyou focus on and attune to your child, you can create positiveexpectations inhismindaboutwhat itmeans to loveandbe inarelationship.

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#12: Connect through con ict: Rather than an obstacle to avoid,view con ict as an opportunity to teach your kids essentialrelationshipskills.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYTalk with your child about sharing and taking turns, but don’texpecttoomuchfromher.Inthecomingyearsyouwillhavemanyopportunities to teach social skills and discipline. Right now, ifthere’s con ict between her and another child, help her expresshowshe feelsandhow theother childmight feel, andhelp themproblem-solve if possible. Then redirect them both so they cantransitionintoadifferentactivitytheycaneachenjoy.

Preschooler(3–6)

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingtheLeftandRightBrain

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#1: Connect and redirect:When your child is upset, connect rstemotionally, rightbrain to rightbrain.Then,once she ismore incontrolandreceptive,bringintheleft-brainlessonsanddiscipline.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYFirst, lovingly hear what’s upset your child. Hug her and repeatback to her what you’ve heard with nurturing nonverbalcommunication:You’re really disappointed that Molly can’t comeover? Then, once you’ve connected, help direct her towardproblem solving and more appropriate behavior:I know you’reupset, but you need to be gentlewithMommy.Do you have anotheridea for playing? Maybe we could see if Molly can come overtomorrow.

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#2:Name it to tame it:Whenbig, right-brain emotions are ragingoutofcontrol,helpyourchildtellthestoryaboutwhat’supsettinghim. In doing so, he’ll use his left brain to make sense of hisexperienceandfeelmoreincontrol.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYWhether it’s a “small-t” or “big-T” trauma, you can start thestorytellingprocessalmostrightaway(onceyou’veconnectedrightbrain to right). At this age, he’ll need you to take the lead:Youknow what I saw? I saw you running, and when your foot hit thatslippery spot, you fell. Is that what happened?? If he continues thestory, great. But if needed, you can continue:So then you startedcrying, and I ran over to you and… It can be helpful to make ahomemade book with drawings or photos to retell an upsettingstory,ortoprepareyourchildforatransition,likeanewbedtime

routineorstartingschool.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingtheUpstairsandDownstairs

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#3: Engage, don’t enrage: In high-stress situations, engage yourchild’s upstairs brain by asking her to consider and plan andchoose, rather than triggering her downstairs brain,which is lessaboutthinkingandmoreaboutreacting.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYSetting clear boundaries is important, but we often say nomorethanweneedto.Whenyourchildisupset,becreative.Insteadofsaying,We don’t act that way, ask,What’s another way you couldhandle that? Instead ofI don’t like theway you’re talking, try,Canyouthinkofanotherwaytosaythat,onethatwillbemorepolite?Thenpraise her when she uses her upstairs brain to come up withalternatives.Agreatquestiontohelpavoidpowerstrugglesis,Canyoucomeupwithanideaforhowwecanbothgetwhatwewant?

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingtheUpstairsandDownstairs

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#4:Use it or lose it: Provide lots of opportunities to exercise theupstairs brain so it can be strong and integrated with thedownstairsbrainandthebody.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYIn addition to introducing your child to shapes and letters andnumbers,play“Whatwouldyoudo?”gamesthatpresenthimwithhypothetical dilemmas.Whatwould youdo if youwere at the park

and founda toy thatyoureallywanted,butyouknew itbelonged tosomeoneelse?Readtogetherandaskyourchildtopredicthowthestory will end. Also, give him lots of opportunities to makedecisionsforhimself,even(andespecially)whenit’sdifficult.

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#5: Move it or lose it: A powerful way to help a child regainupstairs-downstairsbalanceistohavehimmovehisbody.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYKidsthisagelovetomove.Sowhenyourchildisupset,andafteryou’ve acknowledged his feelings, give him reasons to move hisbody.Wrestlewithhim.Play“keep itup”withaballoon.Tossaballbackandforthwhilehe’s tellingyouwhyhe’supset.Movingthebodyisapowerfulwaytochangeamood.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingMemory

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#6: Use the remote of the mind: After an upsetting event, theinternalremoteletsachildpause,rewind,andfast-forwardastoryasshetellsit,soshecanmaintaincontroloverhowmuchofitsheviews.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYMostlikely,yourpreschoolerlovestellingstories.Encouragethis.Tell stories about anything that happens: good, bad, and inbetween.Andwhenasigni canteventoccurs,bewillingtonarrateand renarrate the story. Even if your childmay not knowmuchaboutremotecontrols, shemaybeable to“goback”and“pause”herstory.She’llbedelightedtohearyoutell,andhelpyoutellandretell, thestoryofanybigmoment inher life.Sobeprepared to

“press play” over and over again—and know that when you do,you’repromotinghealingandintegration.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingMemory

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#7:Remembertoremember:Helpyourkidsexercisetheirmemorybygivingthemlotsofpracticeatremembering.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYAskquestionsthatexercisethememory:WhatdidMs.Alvarezthinkoftherobotyoutookinforsharingtoday?RememberwhenUncleChristookyoutogetasnowcone?Playmemorygamesthataskyourchildtomatchuppairsor ndlikeitems,maybepicturesoffriendsandfamilywith speci c stories ormemories. Especially on importantevents you want him to remember, take turns talking about thedetailsthatstoodoutforeachofyou.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingtheManyPartsofMyself

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#8:Letthecloudsofemotionrollby:Remindkidsthatfeelingscomeandgo.Fear, frustration,and lonelinessare temporarystates,notenduringtraits.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYOnereasonbigfeelingscanbesouncomfortableforsmallchildrenisthattheydon’tviewthoseemotionsastemporary.Sowhileyoucomfortyourchildwhenshe’supset, teachherthat feelingscomeandgo.Helpher see that it’sgood toacknowledgeheremotions,butit’salsogoodtorealizethateventhoughshe’ssad(orangryor

scared)rightnow,she’llprobablybehappyagaininafewminutes.Youcaneven“leadthewitness”andask,Whendoyouthinkyou’llfeelbetter?

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#9:SIFT:Helpyourchildrennoticeandunderstandthesensations,images,feelings,andthoughtswithinthem.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYTalktoyourchildabouthisinnerworld.Helphimunderstandthathecannoticeandtalkaboutwhat’sgoingoninhismindandbody.Heprobablywon’tbereadyfortheacronymSIFTyet,butyoucanhelp him ask questions that guide him toward noticing bodilysensations (Areyouhungry?),mental images (What do you picturewhen you think about Grandma’s house?), feelings (It’s frustratingwhenfriendsdon’tshare, isn’t it?),andthoughts(Whatdoyou thinkwillhappenatschooltomorrow?).

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingtheManyPartsofMyself

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#10:Exercisemindsight:Mindsightpracticesteachchildrentocalmthemselvesandfocustheirattentionwheretheywant.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYAtthisage,kidscanpracticetakingcalmbreaths,especiallyifyoukeeptheexercisesbrief.Haveyourchildlieonherback,andplaceatoyboatonherstomach.Showherhowtotakeslowbigbreathsto make the boat go up and down. You can also tap into yourchild’s vivid imagination at this age to give her practice focusingattention and shifting her emotional state:Imagine that you areresting on thewarm sandat the beach and you are feeling calmand

happy.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingSelfandOther

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#11:Increasethefamilyfunfactor:Buildfunintothefamily,sothatyourkidsenjoypositiveandsatisfyingexperienceswiththepeoplethey’rewiththemost.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYYoudon’thavetotrytoohardtohavefunwithyourpreschooler.Justbeingwithyouisparadiseforhim.Spendtimewithhim,playgames, and laugh together. Facilitate fun with siblings andgrandparents. Be silly and turn potential power struggles intoplayful and funnymoments of joining.When you are intentionalabout having fun and creating enjoyable family rituals, you’remaking an investment in your relationship that will pay o foryearstocome.

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#12: Connect through con ict: Rather than an obstacle to avoid,view con ict as an opportunity to teach your kids essentialrelationshipskills.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYUse con ict your preschooler faces—with her siblings, with herclassmates,evenwithyou—toteachher lessonsabouthowtogetalong with others. Sharing, taking turns, and asking for andgranting forgiveness are important concepts she’s ready to learn.Modeltheseforher,andtakethetimetokneeldownandhelpherunderstandwhat itmeans to be in a relationship and how to beconsiderateandrespectfulofothers,evenduringtimesofconflict.

EarlySchoolAge(6–9)

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingtheLeftandRightBrain

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#1: Connect and redirect:When your child is upset, connect rstemotionally, rightbrain to rightbrain.Then,once she ismore incontrolandreceptive,bringintheleft-brainlessonsanddiscipline.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYListen rst, then repeat how your child is feeling. At the sametime, use your nonverbal communication to comfort. Hugs andphysical touch, along with empathetic facial expressions, remainpowerful tools for calming big emotions. Then redirect throughproblemsolvingand,dependingonthecircumstance,disciplineandboundarysetting.

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#2:Name it to tame it:Whenbig, right-brain emotions are ragingoutofcontrol,helpyourchildtellthestoryaboutwhat’supsettinghim. In doing so, he’ll use his left brain to make sense of hisexperienceandfeelmoreincontrol.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYWhether it’s a “small-t” or “big-T” trauma, you can start thestorytellingprocessalmostrightaway(onceyou’veconnectedrightbraintorightbrain).Whereaswithyoungerkidsyoumayneedtodomost of the storytelling andwith older kids you can let themtakethelead,withaschool-agechildyouneedtobalancethetwo.Ask lots of questions:Did you just not notice that the swing wascomingtowardyou?orWhatdidyourteacherdowhenhesaidthattoyou? What happened after that? It can be helpful to make a

homemade book with drawings or photos to retell an upsettingstory,ortoprepareyourchildforsomethingsheisdreading,likeavisittothedentistoramove.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingtheUpstairsandDownstairs

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#3: Engage, don’t enrage: In high-stress situations, engage yourchild’s upstairs brain by asking her to consider and plan andchoose, rather than triggering her downstairs brain,which is lessaboutthinkingandmoreaboutreacting.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYAsalways,connect rst.Avoidimmediatelyplayingthe“BecauseIsaidso!”card.Yourchild’supstairsbrainisblossomingrightnow,so let itdo its job.Explainyourreasons, invitequestions,ask foralternative solutions, and even negotiate. You’re the authority inthe relationship, and there’s no place for disrespect, but you canencourage your child to come up with di erent approaches todisciplineorlearningalesson.Whenweexpectandfacilitatemoresophisticated thinking,we’re less likely to get a reactive, ghtingresponse.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingtheUpstairsandDownstairs

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#4:Use it or lose it: Provide lots of opportunities to exercise theupstairs brain so it can be strong and integrated with thedownstairsbrainandthebody.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGY

Play “What would you do?” games and present your child withdilemmas:Ifabullywaspickingonsomeoneatschoolandtherewerenoadultsaround,whatwouldyoudo?Encourageempathyandself-understanding through re ectivedialoguesabouthowothers feel,and about his own intentions, desires, and beliefs. Also, let yourchildstrugglewithdi cultdecisionsandsituations.Wheneveryoucandosoresponsibly,avoidsolvingandresistrescuing,evenwhenhe makes minor mistakes or not-so-great choices. After all, yourgoal here isn’t perfection on every decision right now, but anoptimallydevelopedupstairsbraindowntheroad.

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#5: Move it or lose it: A powerful way to help a child regainupstairs-downstairsbalanceistohavehimmovehisbody.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYConnectwith your childwhen she’s upset, then ndways to gethermoving.Getonyourbikes together.Play“keep itup”withaballoon or try some yoga poses. Depending on your particularchild, youmay need to bemore direct aboutwhat you’re doing.Don’t feel that you need to “trick” her or hide your strategy. Bedirectandexplaintoherthe“moveitorloseit”concept,thenusethelessontoteachherthatwecanactuallycontrolourmoodstoasignificantextent.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingMemory

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#6:Use the remoteof themind:Afterapainfulevent, the internalremote letsachildpause,rewind,andfast-forwardastoryasshetellsit,soshecanmaintaincontroloverhowmuchofitsheviews.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYA child this agemay shy away from retelling di cult stories orrecallingpainfulmemories.Helphimunderstandtheimportanceoflooking atwhat’s happened to him. Be gentle and nurturing, andgivehim thepower to pause the story at anypoint, and even tofast-forward past unpleasant details. Butmake sure that at somepoint, even if it’s later on, you rewind and tell the entire story,includingeventhepainfulparts.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingMemory

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#7:Remembertoremember:Helpyourkidsexercisetheirmemorybygivingthemlotsofpracticeatremembering.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYInthecar,atthedinnertable,wherever,helpyourchildtalkabouther experiences, so she can integrate her implicit and explicitmemories.Thisisespeciallyimportantwhenitcomestothemostimportantmomentsofher life, like familyexperiences, importantfriendships, and rites of passage. Simply by asking questions andencouraging recollection, you can help her remember andunderstand important events from the past, which will help herbetterunderstandwhat’shappeningtoherinthepresent.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingtheManyPartsofMyself

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#8:Letthecloudsofemotionrollby:Remindkidsthatfeelingscomeandgo.Fear, frustration,and lonelinessare temporarystates,not

enduringtraits.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYHelpyourchildpayattentiontothewordsheuseswhenhetalksabouthisfeelings.There’snothingwrongwithsaying,“I’mscared.”But help him understand that another way to say it is, “Ifeelscared.” This minor shift in vocabulary can help him understandthe subtlebut importantdistinctionbetween “feel” and “am.”Hemay feelafraid in themoment,but thatexperience is temporary,notpermanent.Togivehimperspective,askhimhowheexpectstofeel in veminutes, ve hours, ve days, vemonths, and veyears.

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#9:SIFT:Helpyourchildrennoticeandunderstandthesensations,images,feelings,andthoughtswithinthem.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYIntroducethewheelofawareness.Also,playtheSIFTgameinthecar or at dinner and actually teach your child the acronym.Helpher understand that we need to notice what’s going on withinourselves if we want to control the way we feel and act. Askquestionsthatguidehertowardnoticingbodilysensations(Areyouhungry?),mentalimages(WhatdoyoupicturewhenyouthinkaboutGrandma’shouse?), feelings (It’s not fun to feel left out, is it?), andthoughts(Whatdoyouthinkwillhappenatschooltomorrow?).

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingtheManyPartsofMyself

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#10:Exercisemindsight:Mindsightpracticesteachchildrentocalmthemselvesandfocustheirattentionwheretheywant.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYChildren this age can understand and feel the bene ts of gettingcalmand focusing themind.Give thempracticeatbeingstillandquiet, and let themenjoy the calmwithin.Byguiding theirmindthrough visualization and imagination, show them that they havethe ability to focus their attention on thoughts and feelings thatbring them happiness and peace. Show them that anytime theyneed to calm themselves, they can simply slow down and payattentiontotheirbreathing.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingSelfandOther

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#11: Increase the family fun factor: Build fun into the family, soyourkidsenjoypositiveandsatisfyingexperienceswiththepeoplethey’rewiththemost.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYDowhatyoulovedoingtogether.Haveafamilymovienightwithpopcorn.Playaboardgame.Ridebikes.Makeupastorytogether.Singanddance.Justspendtimetogetherbeinghappyandsilly,andit will create a strong relational foundation for the future. Beintentional about having fun and creating enjoyable rituals andmemories.

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#12: Connect through con ict: Rather than an obstacle to avoid,view con ict as an opportunity to teach your kids essentialrelationshipskills.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYYour child is old enough now for more relational sophistication.

Explicitlyteachaskill,thenpracticeit.Explainaboutseeingotherpeople’s perspectives, then pick out random people in a store orrestaurant and try to guess what’s important to them andwherethey’re coming from. Teach about reading nonverbal cues, thenplay a game to see how many examples (frowning, shrugging,lifting eyebrows, etc.) you can come upwith. Teach about goingbeyondapologizingwhenwe’vemessedup, then comeupwith atimelyexamplewhereyourchildcanputitintopracticebywritingaletterorreplacingsomethingimportant.

LaterSchoolAge(9–12)

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingtheLeftandRightBrain

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#1:Connect andRedirect:When your child is upset, connect rstemotionally, rightbrain to rightbrain.Then,once she ismore incontrolandreceptive,bringintheleft-brainlessonsanddiscipline.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYListen rst,thenre ectbackhowyourchildisfeeling.Becarefulnot tocondescendor talkdown toher. Justechowhatyouhear.Andusenonverbals.Eventhoughyourchildisgrowingup,shestillwants to be nurtured by you. Once she feels felt, it’s time toredirect toplanningand, ifnecessary,discipline.Showyourchildthe respect of speaking clearly and directly. She’s old enough tohearandunderstandalogicalexplanationofthesituationandanyresultingconsequences.

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#2:Name it to tame it:Whenbig, right-brain emotions are ragingoutofcontrol,helpyourchildtellthestoryaboutwhat’supsetting

him. In doing so, he’ll use his left brain to make sense of hisexperienceandfeelmoreincontrol.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYFirst,acknowledgefeelings.Thisisnolesstrueforabigkidthanitis forasmallone(oranadult).Justexpress,explicitly,whatyouobserve:I don’t blame you for being upset. I would be, too. Thenfacilitatethestorytelling.Askquestionsandbepresent,butlethimtellhisownstory,inhisowntime.Especiallyinpainfulmoments,it’simportantthatkidstalkaboutwhat’shappenedtothem.Butwecan’tforcethemtodoso.Wecanonlybepatientandpresentandallowthemtotalkwhenthey’reready.Ifyourchilddoesn’twantto talk to you about it, suggest journaling, or help him ndsomeonehewilltalkto.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingtheUpstairsandDownstairs

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#3: Engage, don’t enrage: In high-stress situations, engage yourchild’s upstairs brain by asking her to consider and plan andchoose, rather than triggering her downstairs brain,which is lessaboutthinkingandmoreaboutreacting.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYThisisoneoftheworstagestoplaythe“BecauseIsaidso!”card.Instead, encourage your child’s blossoming upstairs brain byappealing to itwheneveryoucan.Maintainyourauthority in therelationship, but as much as possible, discuss alternatives andnegotiate with her when it comes to rules and discipline. Berespectful and creative as you help her improve her higher-orderthinkingfacultiesbyaskingher toparticipatewithyouinmakingdecisionsandcomingupwithsolutions.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingtheUpstairsandDownstairs

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#4:Use it or lose it: Provide lots of opportunities to exercise theupstairs brain so it can be strong and integrated with thedownstairsbrainandthebody.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYHypothetical situations become more and more fun as a child’sbrain develops. Play “What would you do?” games and presentyourchildwithdilemmas.Thesegamescanbepurchased,butyoucan comeupwith your own situations:If your friend’smother hadbeendrinkingbeforeshewassupposedtodriveyouhome,howwouldyouhandle it? Encourage empathy and self-understanding throughre ective dialogues about how others feel, and your child’s ownintentions,desires,andbeliefs.Also,lethimstrugglewithdi cultdecisions and situations, evenwhen hemakesminormistakes ornot-so-great choices. After all, your goal here isn’t perfection onevery decision right now, but an optimally developed upstairsbraindowntheroad.

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#5: Move it or lose it: A powerful way to help a child regainupstairs-downstairsbalanceistohavehimmovehisbody.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYBe direct about howmoving his body can help shift your child’smood.Especiallywhenhe’supset,explainhowhelpfulitistotakeabreakandgetupandmove.Suggestabikerideorawalk,ordosomething physically activewith him, such as playing Ping-Pong.Eventakingabreaktostretchorplaywithayo-yocanhelp.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingMemory

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#6:Use the remoteof themind:Afterapainfulevent, the internalremote letsachildpause,rewind,andfast-forwardastoryasshetellsit,soshecanmaintaincontroloverhowmuchofitsheviews.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYAs she approaches adolescence, your child may become morereluctant to talkwith you about painful experiences. Explain theimportanceofimplicitmemory,andhowtheassociationsofapastexperiencecanstilla ecther.Teachherthatshecangaincontroloveranexperiencebyretellingthestory.Begentleandnurturing,andgiveherthepowertopausethestoryatanypoint,andeventofast-forward past unpleasant details. Butmake sure that at somepoint, even if it’s later on, you rewind and tell the entire story,includingthepainfulparts.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingMemory

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#7:Remembertoremember:Helpyourkidsexercisetheirmemorybygivingthemlotsofpracticeatremembering.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYIn thecarandat thedinner table, inscrapbooksor journals,helpyour child think about her experiences, so she can integrate herimplicitandexplicitmemories.Thisisespeciallyimportantwhenitcomes to the most important moments of her life, like familyexperiences,importantfriendships,andritesofpassage.Simplybyasking questions and encouraging recollection, you can help her

remember andunderstand important events from the past,whichwill help her better understand what’s happening to her in thepresent.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingtheManyPartsofMyself

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#8:Letthecloudsofemotionrollby:Remindkidsthatfeelingscomeandgo.Fear, frustration,and lonelinessare temporarystates,notenduringtraits.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYYour child is old enough to understand this point on a consciouslevel, but be sure to hear his feelings before you teach thisinformation. Then, once you’ve validated his feelings, help himunderstand that they won’t last forever. Highlight the subtle butimportantdistinctionbetween“Ifeel sad”and“Iam sad.”Togivehimperspective, askhimhowhe expects to feel in veminutes,fivehours,fivedays,fivemonths,andfiveyears.

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#9:SIFT:Helpyourchildrennoticeandunderstandthesensations,images,feelings,andthoughtswithinthem.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYSome kids this age may actually be interested in the concept ofSIFTing to see what’s going on inside themselves. Understandingthesecategoriescangivethemsomemeasureofcontrolovertheirlives, which, as they move toward being teenagers, willincreasinglyfeelmoreandmorechaotic.Also,thisisagreatagetoregularly use the wheel of awareness to help understand andrespondtoissuesthatarise.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingtheManyPartsofMyself

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#10:Exercisemindsight:Mindsightpracticesteachchildrentocalmthemselvesandfocustheirattentionwheretheywant.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYExplain to your child the signi cant bene ts of getting calm andfocusingthemind.Giveherpracticeatbeingstillandquiet,andlether enjoy the calm within. Show her that she has the ability tofocus her attention on thoughts and feelings that bring herhappinessandpeace.Introducehertosomeofthepracticesinthisbook,suchasguidedvisualizationsandfocusingonherbreath,orlookat someof the in nite resourcesyou’ll ndat the libraryoronline.

TYPEOFINTEGRATIONIntegratingSelfandOther

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#11:Increasethefamilyfunfactor:Buildfunintothefamily,sothatyourkidsenjoypositiveandsatisfyingexperienceswiththepeoplethey’rewiththemost.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYThe cliché is that as kidsmove toward their teenage years, theylessandlessenjoybeingwiththeirparents.Tosomeextentthisistrue.Butthemoremeaningfulandenjoyableexperiencesyougiveyourchildnow,themorehe’llwanttobewithyouintheyearstocome. Kids this age still love silliness and play, so don’tunderestimate thepower of a gameof charades or an interactiveboard gamewhen it comes to strengthening family relationships.

Gocamping.Cooktogether.Visitathemepark.Just ndwaystoappreciate being together, creating fun rituals you can enjoy foryearstocome.

WHOLE-BRAINSTRATEGY#12: Connect through con ict: Rather than an obstacle to avoid,view con ict as an opportunity to teach your kids essentialrelationshipskills.

APPLICATIONSOFTHESTRATEGYAlltherelationalandconflictresolutionskillsyou’vebeentryingtogive your child since she was learning to talk—seeing otherpeople’sperspectives,readingnonverbalcues,sharing,apologizing—are the same lessons you’re teaching as she moves towardadolescence.Keeptalkingabouttheseskillsexplicitly,andpracticethem.Whetheryou’reaskingyour child to see theworld throughsomeone else’s eyes, or write a note of apology, teach her thatcon ictissomethingnottoavoidbuttoresolve,andthatdoingsooftenimprovesarelationship.

ForMaddiandAlex:Thankyoubothforallyou’ve taughtmeover theseyearsandfor theprivilegeofbeingyourdad;andforCaroline,fortheloveandourjourneytogether—DJS

Forthemeninmylife:myhusband,Scott,andour threeboys.You lleverydaywithfun,adventure,love,andmeaning.—TPB

Acknowledgments

Beingparentsandtherapistsourselves,weknowtheimportanceofnding applications that are simple, accessible, practical, ande ective.Atthesametime,wearebothtrainedasscientists,soweknow the power of scienti cally grounded work that builds oncutting-edge knowledge.We are profoundly grateful to themanypeople who have helped us keep this book based rmly onscienti cresearch,butalsosolidlyplantedinthepracticalworldofeverydayparenting.WehavebeenfortunatetoworkwithacademicandprofessionalcolleaguesatbothUSCandUCLAinvariousdepartmentswhobothsupportedourworkandinspireduswiththeirresearchendeavorsinto the brain and relationships. Dan’s rst book,The DevelopingMind,wasrevisedduringthetimewewroteTheWhole-BrainChild,with the incorporation of over two thousand new scienti creferences.Wewanttothankthescientistsandresearcherswhoseworkwedrewon sowe could ensure that the translationof thisknowledgeisascurrentaspossible.The manuscript itself emerged in close collaboration with ourwonderful literary agent and friend, Doug Abrams, who lent hisnovelist’s eyeandeditor’shands tomold thebook throughout itsgestation. It has been a pleasure to work like three whole-brainmusketeers takingon thechallengesof translating such importantideas into direct, accessible, and accurate applications of thescience for everyday use. We can’t wait for our next adventuretogether!We also thank our clinical colleagues and the students at theMindsight Institute and in our various seminars and parentinggroups(especiallytheTuesdaynightandMondaymorninggroups)

whohaveprovidedfeedbackaboutmanyoftheideasthatmakeupthefoundationofthewhole-brainapproachtoparenting.Anumberof individuals read the manuscript and contributed valuablecomments thathelped “ eld-test” thebook. LauraHubber, JennyLorant,LisaRosenberg,EllenMain,JayBryson,SaraSmirin, JeNewell, Gina Griswold, Celeste Neuho , Elisa Nixon, ChristineAdams, Sarah Heidel, Lea Payne, Heather Sourial, BradleyWhitford,andAndrevanRooyeno eredexcellentfeedbackonthetext, illustrations, and cover.Otherswere essential to this book’screation,andweespecially thankDeborahandGalenBuckwalter,JenandChrisWilliams,LizandSteveOlson,LindaBurrow,RobertColegrove,PattiNi,andGordonWalkerfortheirsupportandtime.We gratefully acknowledge the e orts of Beth Rashbaum, ouroriginal editor, as well as our current editor, Marnie Cochran,whosededicationandwisdom(nottomentionpatience)guidedusin every stage of the process. We were fortunate to have twoeditors who care profoundly for books and for children. Andweo erabig,artisticthank-youtoourillustrator,MerrileeLiddiard,a delight to work with, who lent her talent, creative eye, andexperienceasamomtomakingthebookawhole-brainexperienceforthereader.Totheparentsandteacherswhohaveheardusspeakorwhomwe’vehadtheprivilegeofworkingwithinsomecapacity,wearedeeply thankful for the enthusiasm with which you’ve embracedthewhole-brainperspective.Yourstoriesofhowtheseapproacheshave transformed your relationships with your children haveinspired us throughout this process.Weparticularly thank all theparents and patients whose stories and experiences inform thisbook.Althoughwe’vechangedyournamesandthedetailsofyourstories here,we know who you are, and we’re grateful. Thanks,also,toallofyouwhodiscussedandvotedonpossiblebooktitleswhile watching Little League games and enjoying Lily’s fourth

birthday party next door! It certainly has been a communityendeavortobringthesepracticalideasintoasclearandconciseanexpressionaspossible.Our devotion to helping children develop resilient minds andcompassionate relationships begins at home. We are profoundlygratefulnotonlytoourownparents,buttoourspouses,Carolineand Scott, whose wisdom and direct editorial input are woventhroughoutthesepages.Ourspousesarenotonlyourbest friendsbut also our best collaborators, and they helped us throughcountlessdraftsofwritingandrewriting,sharingtheirownliterarytalentsandparentingwisdom.Thisbookcouldnothavehappenedwithout them. Scott generously lent his English professor’s eye,writer’smind, and editor’s pen tomake this book ow and readmoreclearly.Thisfamilye ortisexpressedmostfullyinourownpersonallivesthroughourchildren,ourbestteachers,whoseloveandplayfulness,emotionanddevotion,areinspiringtousinwayswordscannotbegintodescribe.Wethankthemfromthedepthsofour hearts for the opportunity to be their parents along this lifejourney. It is their exploration of the many dimensions of theirdevelopment that gives us the motivation to share these ideasaboutintegrationwithyou.SoitistoourchildrenthatwelovinglydedicateThe Whole-Brain Child in hopes that this book will alsoallow you and the children you care for to share the journeytowardintegration,health,andwell-being.

ABOUTTHEAUTHORS

DANIELJ.SIEGEL,M.D., isagraduateofHarvardMedicalSchoolandcompleted his postgraduate medical education at UCLA withtraining in pediatrics and child, adolescent, and adult psychiatry.He is currently a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLASchool of Medicine, co-director of UCLA’s Mindful AwarenessResearch Center, co-investigator at the Center for Culture, Brainand Development, and executive director of the MindsightInstitute, an educational center devoted to promoting insight,compassion,andempathyinindividuals,families,institutions,andcommunities. Dr. Siegel’s psychotherapy practice over the lasttwenty- ve years has included children, adolescents, adults,couples, and families. Dr. Siegel is also the author of severalacclaimed books, includingParenting from the Inside Out: How aDeeper Self-Understanding CanHelp You Raise ChildrenWho Thrive(withMaryHartzell,M.Ed.),TheMindfulBrain,Mindsight:TheNewScience of Personal Transformation, andThe Developing Mind. Helives in Los Angeles with his wife and two children. For moreinformation about his educational programs and resources, pleasevisitdrdansiegel.com.

TINA PAYNE BRYSON, PH.D., is a psychotherapist at Pediatric andAdolescentPsychologyAssociatesinArcadia,California,whereshesees children and adolescents, as well as provides parentingconsultations. In addition to writing and lecturing to parents,educators,andprofessionals,sheservesasthedirectorofparentingeducationanddevelopmentfortheMindsightInstitute,focusingonhow to understand relationships in the context of the developing

brain.Dr.BrysonearnedherPh.D.fromtheUniversityofSouthernCalifornia,whereherresearchexploredattachmentscience,child-rearing theory, and the emerging eld of interpersonalneurobiology. She lives near Los Angeles with her husband andthreechildren.Formoreinformationaboutherworkandparentingresources,pleasevisittinabryson.com.