THE subSTANDARD

Volume 1 August 2015

Welcome from the Editor! Hey there, guyz and galz! Welcome to the first issue of THE subSTANDARD! The thing I prize myself on the most is my ability to surround myself with intensely intelligent, eccentric and, for the most part, articulate human beings (with the exception of Ali whose rambling, incoherent nature is part of her loveable charm). It is only natural, therefore, that we should

combine forces and begin a monthly e-newsletter to appease the fans we made that time we did a musical together for our local amateur youth theatre company seven years ago.

Everything in this issue is the best thing you will ever read in your life. I cannot get your hopes up high enough for this. But don’t just take my word for it! Here are some early reviews released before the first issue even hit the e-shelves!

If those completely unbiased opinions don’t convince you, then I don’t know how to help you. In life, I mean.

Throughout this e-newsletter, you will find ways to get involved in helping to create the next issue! Maybe ask Aunty Juzzy a question or join the colouring competition by printing off the last page and sending us a photo of your art! Happy reading!

THE subSTANDARD �1

Contributors Andrew Coates James Dyson Annie Lumsden Alison McLaren Daniel Murnane Alex Pech Justin Powell Greta Punch Eloise Simpson Aradie Walters Cassandra Walters Prof Walters Nathan Wright

Contents Editor’s Welcome pg 1

‘Living, Loving and Learning’ pg 2

Nostalgia pg 2

Dad Loves Reddit pg 2

‘Season 8, Episode 4’ pg 3

Bridal Column pg 4

Movie Reviews pg 4

‘Nathan’s Nuances’ pg 5

Horoscopes pg 6

‘Back in My Day…’ pg 6

‘Koatesy’s Kraft’ pg 7

Games and Haiku pg 8

Sport and Community pg 9

Wendy’s Colour In pg 10

THE SUBSTANDARD (A bit of Warrnambool-based humour for you there.)

Aradie <3

“I love it! What a great way to keep in touch with friends rather than stalking them on Facebook!” - Ali

“Goodness gracious this is amazing. And what a stellar line up!” - Coatesy

“This is serious biznizz.” - Annie

“I give this one issue. Maybe a second, but the second will definitely be late.” - Justin


Living, Loving and Learning When I was in Year 6, I decided that life is all about the three ‘L’s: Living, Loving and Learning. So, it’s pretty easy to do the first one, but ultimately it’s probably the hardest. And, well, if you haven’t got a good love life, don’t worry - I love you for coming on this journey with me and you can certainly bet you’re going to learn something today! I’ve got lots in store for you.

At the age of 6, I looked in the mirror and imagined what kind of a person I would grow up to be at age 12. I’d send little messages to myself and say, “Hi, 12 year old Ali. How are you going?” When I was 12, I’d forgotten about all those messages, though, but luckily at 16 I remembered and said, “Thanks, 6 year old Ali! Gee, you have high expectations.” And that’s just it, folks! If you could go back in time and send messages to yourself, what would it look like? Do you think you’d be happy about who you are?

If not, I ask you, please, do not worry. Your expectations are probably letting you down. Maybe you need to chill out a bit. “What do you do to relax, Ali?” … “Well, I play cricket?”, he said. “Relax? I’m not sure.” Sometimes if you watch a really terrible TV show you can start to feel really positive about your life choices. So, as your homework for this week, I ask you to do that and feel the feeling of rising above and beyond the screen.

*Lyrics to a song that never quite made it that was written by the author. More to come in future issues.

By Alison McLaren

What Dad Found on Reddit Recently


Nostalgia

Remember when we did a middle-of-the-night performance of ‘Be Our Guest’ with full choreography in McDonalds for that Asian couple who pretended not to notice us? I do.

By Aradie Walters

“Life’s not an instant popcorn

meal that goes bang, bang ’til there’s food

inside.” *Trash on the tram.

PHOTOGRAPHY by Annie Lumsden

Super Mario. PHOTOGRAPHY by Annie Lumsden

SOURCED ON REDDIT by Prof Walters


Season 8, Episode 4 It’s been a pretty boring week. I figured out that if I order pizza and it arrives and I say that I didn’t order it, the guy will just give it to me. Then I can pay him for it anyway and he looks really relieved. I think I can do this forever.

I did break a door across from me in the hall. I know I’m good at fixing stuff, but the hinge is all splintered and whatnot. I can fix stuff that is screwing and unscrewing screws, but not building a whole new door frame. That’s building, not fixing. And I don’t think I’m good at building. Just fixing. Anyway, the owner of the door is away on vacation, so I’ve got time to weigh up the whole frame-building situation. I could probably tell them someone else did it. No, then they’d get worried that they’d been broken into.

Fixed the problem. I told them I smelled a gas leak, so maybe I should break the door down to check the gas, and Monica said, “No, I want you to stand there and wait for the entire place to blow up!”, sarcastically. But they didn’t really air that bit because Nine Eleven had just happened and it was a bit of an awkward joke by then. Anyway, problem solved. Monica and Chandler will get back from vacation and I’ll be a hero for stopping a gas leak, instead of an idiot for breaking a door frame.

All in all, a fairly quiet week. I think the love birds are fighting over some video showing who proposed first in Vegas. I remember that it was Rachel, because I was watching them while I worked on the blackjack floor. And also, she loses her sh** when she drinks, and the real Rachel comes out – the one that loves Ross. Ross just gets easy when he’s drunk, like putty. He wouldn’t have the balls to propose. But I don’t really know what they’re up to with the video situation. Kind of left out of that bit.

I’m not really in this episode.

They want to make a show about me. Like, some kind of documentary called Joey. Not just the show about the six of us, but one that focuses on me. I actually don’t think I could hold a whole show by myself, like, as Joey. But I have a couple other friends that aren’t in Friends, or I could go on some sort of adventure, following my acting career or whatever. Something about how Matt Le Blanc goes to auditions trying to get parts as Joey or whatever.

I’m not really sure where Le Blanc ends and Tribiani begins. I feel like I’m on the edge of something important. This precipice of the millennium, like Matt died at the end of 1999 and Joey has spawned from his ashes, or devoured Matt and absorbed his essence.

But I’m not really in this episode, Episode 4, Season 8. So maybe they’re writing me out, so maybe there is no Joey Show coming, so maybe it’s not really that important. Monica and Chandler will be back soon anyway, so we can catch a movie or something. That will cheer me up. I don’t really care if Ross and Rachel sort out the videotape thing, it’s actually none of my business. I don’t know why we are all so involved in their relationship. Probably if we all stopped meddling, they would have been together for the last eight years, or just distant friends. But it wouldn’t have been so hard on them, if we hadn’t been so involved.

I hope I’m more involved in the next episode. Rachel goes on a date with a guy I work with, so I can probably focus on that, if I can just get out of my own head for a week.

By Daniel Murnane

THE subSTANDARD �3See if you can spot these things in the colour in page at the back of this month’s issue!


Weddings and Other Expensive Decisions

I’d like to share a little bit about what I’ve learnt over the past year or so about planning what could have been a solid house deposit. Once you’ve picked out your favourite human being (and you’re relatively certain that neither of you are going to change so much as to alter that by realising an alternate sexuality or beginning to use the words “bae” or “yolo”), it’s time to start thinking about the serious stuff like how to get Gwen Stafani’s arms by the big day.

From my ‘research’ (read: those two wedding magazines I read that one time) it is vitally important to begin a strict diet, workout and skin cleansing regime the moment that engagement ring goes on your presumably too-big-to-be-a-bride left ring finger. The benefit of this happening, is that if on the day, you do happen to feel bloated, or get a skin blemish, it will seem like the end of the world rather than being able to brush it off as being a human.

When it comes time to pick a date, it’s important to remember that just because the AFL grand final has been held in the last week of September every year since 1990, it doesn’t mean it’s going to stay that way this year. Even if you’re a musical theatre enthusiast who will never quite understand it, you need to recognise that this annual event of people you’ve never met kicking a ball around a field and spitting is going to be very important to your friends, okay?

My final observation has been to avoid using the word “wedding” in any/all bookings to avoid the inevitable 400% price hike. If you can convince any vendors that you are just a super dedicated Disney cosplaying group, they might judge, but you’ll be able to afford to invite more than 8 guests.

So friends, it’s been nice knowing you, because if Disney has taught me anything about life after marriage, it’s that… oh wait…

I guess you just have to hope no one decides to make an awful sequel? By Eloise Simpson


Movie Reviews

Ok, so there's this movie called Gotta Dance that I found on Netflix, and

it's about an old people dance troupe. They dance at the New

Jersey Nets basketball games kinda like cheerleaders but not, they just dance. You know how usually they

have acrobatics and like girls in tiny shorts doing flips and stuff? It's that

but old people doing hip hop. To audition for it you had to be over 60 but one of them was like 82 and her

name was Marge but my favourite was Fanny who was this tiny old Asian woman. Anyway, they all

audition for this dance troupe and like 12 get in, 11 girls and one old

man called Joe B. I dunno why he needed the B cos he was the only Joe

on the team so the B was kinda superfluous. So, they're on the team

and they haven't done hip hop before but they all used to dance - oh, and there's this woman called

Maggie who looks like she got old in the 20s but then time travelled to

present day to audition for this dance troupe and she has a lot of

teeth. Ok, so they're pretty terrible to start with but then they get better

but they're not that great but everyone loves them cos they're a

novelty act and they're on GMA and all those morning shows, and

everyone loves it. Anyway, they just dance and stuff and at the end they

do a dance with kids to Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better and the kids

are like way better than them cos they're doing flips and stuff, and

then the season ends so the troupe is finished but according to the

credits 7 of them reauditioned for the next season and 6 of them

decided that they were all good. Anyway it's called Gotta Dance and

it's on Netflix. I give it 3 stars cos the old people were cute.

By Greta Punch


Nathan’s Nuances The universe isn’t fair, and more often than not everyday people are left feeling destroyed by everyday annoyances. This column aims to right at least one of these wrongs a month, improving the universe one annoying scenario at a time.

This month’s scenario is one that all (or most) of us can relate to. If you have ever worked in customer service you have truly known the feeling of being powerless. This one certain villain has destroyed everyday heroes the world over for years. I am speaking, of course, about the “Can I speak to a manager?” super villains. If you are one of these ghouls, this is for you. This how the scenario generally plays out:

Villain: Uhhhhm, excuse me. This was cheaper than it’s scanned. Can you take care of this for me?

Attendant: I’m really sorry about this, but that is the correct price.

Villain: (with a looooooong sigh) Can I please speak to your manager?

Attendant: Just one second, I’ll get my manager right away.

Our hero then sulks off utterly destroyed by the villain, feeling well and truly put in his place and forced to call in reinforcements. This is an example of the universe giving everyday superheroes a bad run, leaving them powerless. I now present you with how this scenario should go, were the universe fair:

Villain: Uhhhhm, excuse me. This was cheaper than it’s scanned. Can you take care of this for me?

Attendant: I’m really sorry about this, but that is the correct price.

Villain: (with a looooooong sigh) Can I please speak to your manager?

The store grows quiet. Looking around, you notice that all the other customers in the store are no longer speaking. They are all frozen in place. It seems as if all sense of time has become lost. Turning back to the attendant you notice that the suddenly shadowy character seems to slowly slide off into a distance. The attendant turns, the corner of his

face menacingly transforming into the tiniest of smirks.

You drop your product as a flash of crimson lights up the room, and recoil as a dark cape unfurls from the attendants back and whips of wind circle the room. The attendant lifts his hands as the flash of red disappears into a point

above his head. Then, as quickly as it disappears, combusts back into reality high above the room revealing a gaping hole of fire and shadow that engulfs everything around you. You look around only to notice you are no longer alone,

as otherworldly entities spring from the portal above the attendant’s head, spewing chants and playing various crude instruments reminiscent of flutes and panpipes, and dance around you cackling, “You want a manger… You

want a manager....”

The attendant’s cape doubles back in a ghostly wind as the attendant spins high into the air, engulfed in a whirlwind of dark fire still spewing forth from the portal. The attendant turns, revealing two blindingly white-eyes that burn

through the crimson darkness... Slowly the attendant breaks the silence:

“I am the manager…”


By Nathan Wright



Horoscopes

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Although you broke your laptop and had a nervous breakdown, don’t despair! You will get a good student discount on a new Macbook Air. And who knows? Tomorrow you may well write a song featuring the word “biscuit” six times.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will make a resolution to learn something new. Instead you will sit at home and YouTube old Seinfeld clips. You will then make the same resolution for tomorrow, which you will also break.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

After a lot of napping, you will come to the realisation that it is easier to do Zumba without shoes. After eating two dinners, you will go back to bed where you will suddenly become convinced that your parents may die soon and have a little cry.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will wake up late after an intense night of Netflix, Taurus. Although work will be crazy, it will be made easier by the even crazier staff. After work, you and your family will hang out and watch your sister’s band perform.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will run into a friend that you have not seen since your birthday. You will listen to one of your work colleagues complain about one of your other work colleagues. You will also run out of peanut butter.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will have a pleasant day of fulfilling computer work, Cancer. But you will question why you deserve such complacency when many others experience hardship and are less fortunate than you. It is this stress and doubt that will ultimately give them, and you, Cancer, cancer.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will take a dozen teenagers on an excursion to a neighbouring town. They will sing loudly and Snapchat the

whole journey there and back. When you go to your parents' house for dinner, they will make you watch old episodes

of The Dean Martin Show while Justin live-texts you what's happening on The Bachelor.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will watch a documentary about how gay men speak and spend the rest of the day in a bar over-analysing stranger’s speech patterns. And yes, you will try that whiskey, thank you very much.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

After spending four hours researching the legalities regarding a physiotherapist’s duty of care, specifically in relation to drug driving offences in Victoria, you will help one housemate with a knee injury and another who accidentally put a nail through his leg at work. You will then finish the day by having cereal for dinner.

Scorpio: (October 23 - November 21)

You’ll return home from work and confront last night’s dishes. You’ll roll up your sleeves, move two crusty bowls and a fork into the sink, then retire to the couch with a muesli bar. Progress.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will wake up. You will have a meeting. You will go shopping. You will go to sleep.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

You will attempt to pack away a quilt and sprain a muscle. You will be unable to complete the rest of the day's tasks and have to wait 8 hours for a doctor. You'll also watch an excellent show about old people who hip hop dance.

BACK IN MY DAY…

Back in my day, animals were not people.

I live in South Yarra and have a dog. I have this in common with roughly

99% of the suburb. And despite our dog being a designer poodle

crossbreed which we spent WAY too much money on, she is still a dog,

she still acts like a dog and we treat her as such. This we have in common

with roughly 1% of South Yarra (presumably the 1% who don’t own

dogs).

I feel a crushing guilt. Guilt for not hiring a professional dog trainer,

guilt for not having pet insurance, guilt for not having her

professionally groomed, guilt for not having her professionally groomed in a special elite dog spa resort that

everyone swears is the only thing good enough for their little fur baby,

guilt for not referring to her as my fur baby, guilt for making her wear a

cone after being desexed, guilt for not preparing her four meals a day of

beef, chicken, rice and vegetables, guilt for not rubbing MOROCCAN

OIL that costs a BAJILLION DOLLARS into her coat daily.

Guys, it’s a dog.

By Alex Pech

Hat plays guitar. PHOTOGRAPHY by Annie Lumsden



Koatesy’s Kraft

Winter is upon us, but you don’t have to forsake fashion just to stay warm! Here are some hot tips on how to pimp your boring old coat into some serious haute coature. All you need are some simple kraft supplies, and a tolerance for bad puns!

Leave that puffy vest at home, this will keep your elbows toasty this winter!

What you’ll need:

- Ski jacket

- Large scissors

- Wide doorways

Retro is back in, and nothing says ‘old-school’ like Neanderthal-chic!

What you’ll need:

- Woolly mammoth, preserved in several thousand years of ice

- A good hairdryer

Duuude.

What you’ll need:

- Regular coat

- One of those little tabs you found on the bathroom floor in the club that one night

- An open mind

By Andrew Coates



Where is my umbrella?

Rain - if I’ve lost it I swear -

Oh wait, here it is

By Justin Powell

Spring is nearly here

Time to prune the bushy hedge

Peeping Tom exposed

By Justin Powell

Supermarket shop

Ham, cheese, tomato and bread

Delicious sandwich By Justin Powell

Fleece in the office

Hipster or outdoorsy dad?

“Corporate camp wear”

By Justin Powell

Cameron Daddo

Voice so sultry and mellow

On my radio

By Justin Powell

Haiku Sudoku

7

Man wears three kinds of flanny. PHOTOGRAPHY by Annie Lumsden

Crossword



SPORT AND COMMUNITY UPDATE The middle of winter is inopportune time for holding an outdoor gathering such as took place at Yambuk last Saturday afternoon. Consequently, a large attendance from any distance is entirely out of the question. The weather last Saturday fortunately kept fine, although it was on the cold side, and shortly after 5 o'clock rain set in, the program being then almost through.

The attendance on the ground was only a moderate one, Port Fairy being represented by six persons. Nevertheless, there was a fair amount (£5.6s) taken at the gate and, as a good number of members' tickets were disposed of, the financial receipts should be very satisfactory. It was after 2 o'clock before a commencement was made, the arrival of the Irish Pipe band from Koroit being the signal for starting the pedestrian events. These were confined to half-a-dozen runners, and very little interest was taken in them. W. Spurrell, State school teacher at Mount Eccles, having things all his own way in the three events.

The chief attractions of the afternoon were the Highland and Irish dancing competitions and the horse-jumping; more of the latter items would be appreciated by people who attend sports gatherings. The dancing was very cleverly done, the winners showing something new in the way of steps. The three young sisters Hannaberry gave a delightful exhibition; and Miss Ray's clever dancing of the Irish reel was greatly admired. Mr McKenzie's pupils acquitted themselves capitally, and it is the intention of their instructor to take the clever performers to the Ballarat competitions. Messrs Quinane and McKenzie judged the dancing, although the latter made a strong protest against being included as a judge.

After the first item, Mr McKenzie declined to adjudicate further. The pipe band enlivened the proceedings, and Mr Rogers, the leader, played all the dance music in a way which left no room for complaint. The sheep-guessing competition - a fine heavy weight lamb of Mr Dalgliesh's - proved a very profitable affair. The work of the various officers was carried out without a hitch, but the brunt of it, of course, fell upon the secretaries (Messrs T. O'Brien and G. Butler). At night a bazaar was held in the mechanics' hall, when various raffles were got off. The financial result of the day and night's proceedings should be very gratifying, the various art unions being well supported owing to the energy displayed by the ladies.

The following are the results of the various events, but a few others were decided after we left the ground:

Maiden Plate, 100 yards: 1st Spurrell (£1), 2nd Carroll (10s). Sheffield Handicap, 130 yards: 1st Spurrell (£2), 2nd Carroll (10s). 75 Yard Sprint: 1st Spurrell and Carroll (dead heat, £1, divided).

Stepping the Chain: 1st James Morrissey (10s); 30 entries. Best Horse Over Hurdles: 1st trophy, J. Peters.

Girls' Race: 1st trophy -‐ M. Barker, 2nd Gladys Youl. Throwing at Wicket: 1st Jim Carroll (10s). Pillow Fight: 1st trophy -‐ H. Moutray.

PIPING AND DANCING Highland Fling: 1st S. Hannaberry, Warrnambool (20s). 2nd E. Ray, Colac (5s). 4 compeOtors.

Irish Jig: 1st D. Hannaberry (20s), 2nd E. Hannaberry (5s); 6 compeOtors. Irish Reel: 1st E. Ray , 2nd S. Hannaberry; 5 compeOtors.

By James Dyson



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