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A Student Publication of the Yeshivah of Flatbush Joel Braverman High School • Issue 6: Purim Edition • 2015 / 5775

INSIDE: Football Season Preview • Pool To Be Rebuilt • Beyonce Joins Choir • Chanies Leave for Wolf & Lamb

Kaplowitz, Hofstetter to Switch DepartmentsSarah Levy, 4-HR

Tired of being the only ones of their genders in their departments, Mr. Hof-stetter of the otherwise all-female En-glish department and Ms. Kaplowitz of the otherwise all-male history depart-ment have come up with an ingenious solution: starting next week, they will officially be switching places.

Said Mr. Hofstetter: “After three years of drowning in estrogen, I needed to get out. How many conversations about pregnancy can a guy sit through? Our department meetings are all about One Tree Hill and maternity leave. You know how many history teachers are pregnant right now? None. Unless Mr. Kweller has a surprising announcement to make.”

Ms. Bloom, chair of the English de-partment, says she will be sorry to see the talented young teacher go (Mr. Hof-stetter has written books, folks), but then again, she’s excited for another woman to join the club.

“Tuesday lunch meetings are going

to reach a whole new level of fun. We’ll have a sisterhood book club and tea par-ties and everything. Now that there’s no boring guy being a party pooper, we can talk for as long as we like about shopping and shoes. Oh! And did I tell you about that fabulous party I went to in London last week? The food was to die for.”

Ms. Kaplowitz is also looking for-ward to the change. “Everyone knows how tight-knit the English teachers are,” she said. “I’m known for agreeing with everyone all the time, so I’m sure I’ll fit right in with them. Besides, if I have to hear one more discussion about how awesome hitting a ball with a wooden stick is, I’m going to go crazy.”

Mr. Engel and Mr. Rothbort are hap-py to see her go. “Good riddance,” said Mr. Engel, “I’m finally going to have someone I can talk about sports with, and I don’t just mean Ohio State.”

“It’s always ‘Ohio State this,’ ‘Ohio State that,’” Mr. Rothbort added. “If you’re not rooting for the Mets, you don’t

Di Fara’s Going Kosher*Raymond Braha, 4-HR

Pizza Time. Benny’s. Pizza World. There are quite a few kosher pizza plac-es on Avenue J that Flatbush students love eating at during lunch. Now we have another one. The local pizza-eating com-munity was thrown upside down on Fri-day, February 13th when the owner and chef at Di Fara’s, Domenico DeMarco, announced that his renowned pizzeria is adopting kosher laws for its eatery. Yes, Di Fara’s, one of the most famous pizza plac-es in New York, is now kosher.*

This may come as a surprise to many, and some may ask, “How did this even happen?” Mr. DeMarco has had no pre-vious association with Judaism and has shown no signs of making his food kosher in the past. He lives a comfortable life, works when he wants to, and earns his fair share of money. Everyone on Avenue J, from Jim, one of the tellers at TD Bank, to Dave from Dave’s Supermarket, is left with the same question: What changed?

Even Mr. DeMarco didn’t see this com-ing more than a week before it did, but he explains that he “found God on Avenue J.” On February 6, after a long day of work that lasted from 12 p.m. to 2 p.m., De-Marco was ready to head home and nap once again. As he walked down East 15th Street to his car, he saw, as he describes, “a pious man” help several elderly wom-en cross the dangerously icy, car-heavy Avenue J. After a conversation with this man, DeMarco discovered that his name was Kalman Nochlin and he taught Juda-ic Studies in the Yeshivah of Flatbush Joel Braverman High School. Di Fara was in-spired. He felt there must be more to life than making nonkosher pizza. He wanted to make kosher pizza.

On that very evening, Nochlin invited DeMarco over for Shabbat dinner. De-Marco very much enjoyed the Jewish ritu-

Secret Staircase, Tennis Courts DiscoveredShani Zenilman, 4-HR

This past Wednesday, a group of lost freshman discovered a secret staircase to the tennis courts on the roof of the school’s main building.

When asked how this discovery came about, freshman Moshe Golden-katzenbergersteinowitzky stated, “I was looking for the school nurse, but when I finally broke into her office, there was no nurse. However, I noticed a dark hallway and decided to see where it led. I watch a lot of horror movies instead of studying Hebrew, so I figured ex-ploring a creepy staircase would proba-bly lead me to something cool.”

According to Goldenkatzenberg-ersteinowitzky’s fellow explorer, who insisted on anonymity, the staircase led to the roof, where the tennis courts—

Cont’d on page 5 Cont’d on page 4

Cont’d on page 5*Not really.

Rabbi Prag’s Generosity Causes Worldwide Wafer ShortageSarah Levy, 4-HR

Stores all around the nation are facing an unprecedented crisis: a wafer shortage on the eve of Purim. Mishloach manot makers are in a panic, and one man is to blame. Rabbi Zelig Prag, esteemed chair of the Talmud department at YOFJBHS, has been discovered buying over two million wafers in the past three days alone. His paltry excuse? “I did it for the children.”

Whisper in the back of room 409, “I’m hungry,” like senior Linda Sabbagh did last Monday, and Rabbi Prag with his super sense of hearing will run to the back and offer you a goodie (or two). When asked why he started giving out wafers, the Rabbi explained that he feels he has a duty “to feed the starving chil-dren of Flatbush.” He’s set off to eradicate the hunger plaguing our community, one wafer at a time.

Rabbi Prag says he’s just employing the candyman effect. As recent studies by Professor Tom Maloney of Harvard

University have shown if students know there’s a possibility they might receive a sugary treat, they’re 137% more likely to participate in class. (The Rambam fig-ured that out about 1,000 years earlier. For juniors taking JP, #mitoch_shelo_leshmah_ba_leshmah.)

But you wouldn’t believe how hungry freshman boys (and senior girls) can be. Rabbi Prag estimates that he gives out approximately 400 wafers per day, 500 if it’s a Monday and students really need that extra push to begin their week. And

Cont’d on page 6

Hard times on Avenue J

on some days wafers don’t just come free. A bigger accomplishment then getting a 100 on a Regents exam or an 800 on the SAT is getting a wafer from Rabbi Prag for what must be a truly “intelligent” re-mark.

Yesterday, when Rabbi Prag reached into his bag to reward a smart student, he was horrified to realize he had only one precious wafer left. He dismissed his class early, ran to Avenue J, and proceed-ed to buy every wafer on the street. This wasn’t enough to ease his worry. With the help of some emergency Mitzvah Man volunteers, he headed out to every Jew-ish supermarket in the tri-state area and bought every single wafer being sold. Then he ordered 1,000 more on Amazon.

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The Feenix StaffEditor-In-Chief: Shani ZenilmanManaging Editor: Abby ShegelmanReligion Editor: Sarah LevyEntertainment Editor: Rebecca ZamiSports Editor: Joey CohenFun Page Editor: Merle CohenStandard of Fabulous Editors: Emma Burekhovich, Nicole YankovichPhotography Editor: Robyn DweckWeb Editor: Joey BaumJunior Editors: Albert Dweck, Merle Dweck, Michelle Harari, Sarah Torgueman, Gabriel VizganSophomore Editors: Mimi Lazerowitz, Jane ZakayDesign: Therese BerkowitzFaculty Advisor: Adam Hofstetter

Rabbi Raymond Harari Head of School

Rabbi Ronald Levy Principal

Ms. Jill W. Sanders Director of Admissions Associate Principal

Ms. Sari Bacon Associate Principal

Rabbi Joseph Beyda Assistant Principal

High School Administration

Alumnus Profile: Barack Obama (’80)Merle Dweck, 3-HR

MD: Thank you for joining us today, Mr. President. Most Americans know a lot about your life in Hawaii, Indonesia, Chicago, and Washington, but we know very little about the four years you spent in Flatbush. What were you like as a stu-dent in the Yeshivah of Flatbush?

BO: In my freshman year I was bul-lied. You can imagine what it was like to be in high school and have the ini-tials BO. Turning my initials into a taunt might have been funny to others, but it still affected me emotionally. I knew I didn’t smell, and I have to thank the guid-ance department for helping me through that year of high school. Without them, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

MD: Are there any other ways your experiences at Flatbush helped prepare you for your political career?

BO: I can think of many. Do you re-member when I ran for President in 2008 and my campaign slogan was about “change”? I first got the idea decades ear-lier when I was trying to buy snacks in the vending machines at school. Back then, vending machines didn’t take dollar bills, so we all needed change—change we could believe in. But it’s not just about

slogans; some of my biggest policy de-cisions have been inspired by my expe-riences at Flatbush. For example, when I was a student here I once got a paper cut and went to the nurse for a bandage, only to find out that we had no nurse. Can you believe that? No nurse! I mean, everyone has the right to healthcare. A lot has changed since that day. We have Obamacare now. And I assume Flatbush has a fantastic school nurse these days, right?

MD: Do you have any regrets about your high school years?

BO: Oh, absolutely. I wish I would have paid more attention in my Hebrew classes. Maybe if I had, Netanyahu and I would understand each other a little bet-ter.

MD: What is your favorite memory of your time at Flatbush?

BO: That’s an easy one. I assume you know that I met my wife there.

MD: Uh, no. Tell me more!BO: Well, her name was Michelle

Guindi back then. She was Syrian, which was a problem for me because I generally don’t like dealing with anything related to Syria. I also thought it was odd when I saw her order carrot sticks at Pizza Time. Haj, just eat something unhealthy for once! But then we took AP Physics together, which met for 32 periods per week. When you spend that much time with someone, you get to talking. We ended up hitting it off and the rest is his-tory.

MD: Were there any other important relationships you forged in high school?

BO: Of course. I still talk to many of my old classmates. Most of them are in the clothing manufacturing business, which came in very handy when I was campaigning and needed to get a bunch of T-shirts printed up quickly. Nobody produces T-shirts quite like a Flatbush graduate.

MD: Were you involved in any extra-curricular activities at Flatbush?

BO: I was on many teams and com-missions. Varsity basketball, Mock Trial, Model UN, knitting, and much more, but my favorite was the Choices Com-mission. Smoking in high school is abso-lutely absurd. Not only does it pave the way to your death, but it’s unattractive and harmfully reflects on your personal-ity and reputation. I would never pick up a cigarette in high school or out of high school. I liked the messages that Choic-es sends. Bullying is wrong, lying is even worse, smoking is ludicrous, and alcohol destroys you.

Meet a Freshman: Moshe GoldenkatzenbergersteinowitzkyRobyn Dweck, 4-R

RD: How many times do you have to spell your name for people until they get it right?MG: They never get it right.RD: That must be very annoying. What class are you in?MG: I am in class 1-Z.RD: What elementary school did you attend? MG: I attended Tree Hill Elementary School with Brooke Davis and Nathan Scott.RD: Did any of your siblings attend Yeshivah of Flatbush?MG: Yes, all of my 21 siblings attended Flatbush, and so did my parents, Yehudit and Chris.RD: Are you involved in any commissions? MG: Yes, I am involved in the water fountain club, the fencing team and competitive eating.RD: What was the hardest change to

adjust to when you came to Flatbush?MG: Being the only Ashkenazi student in the school is lonely sometimes. Nobody ever wants to share my herring at lunch!RD: What are you looking forward to in high school? MG: I look forward to the shaving cream fight in the gym and also looking forward to naptime during third period every day.

As part of a school-wide effort to pro-mote female empowerment, Ms. Frieda Zeitouni has decided to go back to using her maiden name, Benzaken.

Ms. Zeitouni was known as Ms. Ben-zaken when she first began teaching math at Flatbush two years ago, but changed her name after her first year here when she married the son of Ms. Zeitouni, who was a Hebrew teacher at Flatbush at the time. When school started the following September, Ms. Zeitouni the Hebrew teacher was no longer here, and Ms. Ben-zaken the math teacher had become Ms. Zeitouni. She now will be Ms. Benzaken once again, beginning on Purim.

“It just feels right,” said Ms. Zeitouni (the math teacher, not the Hebrew teach-er). Her mother-in-law, Ms. Zeitouni, was not available for comment.

Meanwhile, once Ms. Zeitouni be-comes Ms. Benzaken again, there will be two Benzakens in the math department. To avoid the confusion that this would

inevitably cause, Ms. Debra Benzakein has announced that she will be chang-ing her last name. Beginning on Purim, Ms. Benzakein will be known as Ms. Zeitouni.

“I really think this will help the stu-dents,” Ms. Benzakein said. “It’s hard enough to teach them calculus. We can’t expect them to also be able to tell the difference between two Benzakens. This will be much easier for everyone.”

Not all the students agreed. “My schedule for next year says I have double Benzaken on Wednesdays,” said sopho-more Ben Zeitouni. “I don’t even know who that is anymore.”

Others saw the situation more clearly. “Before, we had one Benzakein and one Zeitouni. Now we have one Benzaken and one Zeitouni,” said junior Z. Touni Benzaken. “It’s just that Zeitouni used to be Benzakein, and Benzaken used to be Zeitouni after she was Benzaken. It’s pretty simple.”

Zeitouni, Benzaken, Benzakein, ZeitouniMoshe Goldenkatzenbergersteinowitzky, 1-Z

Michael Zalta, 4-HN

Beloved English teacher Ms. Sarah Marcus has announced that her long, four-year Flatbush career will finally come to an end in June, when she will be retiring and moving with her family to live in Abilene, Texas.

This decision caught much of the ad-ministration off guard, but Ms. Marcus claims that making the move has been her “grand plan” since she met her husband, Gary. The Marcuses defy any and every social conformity you can conjure. Her husband, so driven by his youthful whim and unbridled passion, never abandoned his somewhat unconventional dream of

being an officer for the NYPD. Ms. Mar-cus’s fun-loving attitude and pursuit of true self-expression is apparent in almost every-thing she does, from her vibrant makeup to her inventive lesson plans. She is truly someone who does what she wants no mat-ter what anyone else thinks. (Rumor has it she wore dreadlocks in her years as a Flat-bush high school student).

“She was never cut out for the big city,” said Ms. Bloom, the chair of the English de-partment. And surely, anybody who truly knows Ms. Marcus can probably quote her saying that she and her husband are “the most redneck people you’ll ever meet.” She will then go off on a long-winded speech

Ms. Marcus Retiring to Texas

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D’var Torah: A Chanukah MiracleSarah Torgueman, 3-HN

As the eighth night of Chanukah ap-proaches, let us rejoice in the ultimate Chanukah miracle! Hashem saved the Maccabee warriors and permitted the sin-gle-day olive oil portion for the Menorah in the ruined Beit Hamikdash to last for eight days. This was truly supernatural.

The Maccabim won the war against the Yevanim, the Greeks. The Maccabee army was minute, while the Yevan army was massive. We evidently see the hand of Hashem performing the miracle. This is called a “Ness Niglah.” Hashem saved the Jewish army against the evil Nevuchad-netzer’s army.

The Hashmonaim went into the Beit Hamikdash, which was in ruins at the time, to light the Menorah. They found a pitch-er that contained an infinitesimal portion of olive oil. This portion was enough to last only one day, but a miracle occurred and it lasted for eight! As the Torah text explains and Rashi elaborates, Hashem created the Menorah from a single block of gold. Sephorno explains the Menorah

of the Beit Hamikdash in an eloquent way: each arm of the Menorah’s light faces the middle. The right and left arms lean to the center. This goes to show that the nation of Israel resembles the Menorah of the Beit Hamikdash. The nation of Israel lives the way of Hashem through the guidance of the Torah. It “faces” Hashem like the arms of the Menorah face the center. The nation of Israel also works together and is united as one. Each member of the Jewish na-tion helps and cares for one another. They “lean” the same way like the right arms of the Menorah that lean the same way. The members of the Jewish nation also “shine” in their own way like the right arms lean differently from the way the left arms do. The Torah stands as a guide for the Jewish nation, however the Ashkenazim follow the commandments differently from the way the Sepharadim follow them.

Today, Hashem performs miracles every minute. We must train ourselves to recognize some of the miracles given to us by Hashem. We breathe, walk, talk, feel, love, see, and hear. We have houses to live in, food to eat, excellent Jewish and secular education, community, family, and friends. These are only a minuscule amount of the countless miracles that Hashem performs for us every day. It is a miracle that we can live as Jews together in safety and freedom. We see the hand of Hashem each day.

Fingerprint Attendance Actually NSA SurveillanceGabe Vizgan, 3-HN

Why do you think the school started its new fingerprint-scanning program? To check the attendance? To make sure no one’s cutting? They’ve been doing that for years (kind of) without the high-tech system, so what brought on the change? Is Flatbush really spending money just to make sure we’re on time for minyan?

As it turns out, the school doesn’t re-ally care enough about our attendance to install a costly new system. In fact, the finger scanning wasn’t the school’s idea at all—it was the insistence of the Na-tional Security Agency (NSA)’s.

Based on previous occurrences, the FBI has determined that many high-level threats graduate from Flatbush each year. It is hard to believe that the “Standard of Excellence” could produce anything but intelligent, law-abiding citizens, but apparently that is not so. In fact, two of

the FBI’s top 10 most wanted criminals are Flatbush alumni: Jason Derek Brown and Robert William Fisher. Other nota-ble criminals include Alan Golder (one of the top jewel thieves of all time), Al-bert Talton (a world famous money forg-er), and Ed Gein (the conductor of the world famous Texas chainsaw massa-cre)—all Flatbush graduates.

Due to the abnormally high number of criminals who have come from Flat-bush, the FBI worked with the NSA to create this new “attendance” system to get students’ fingerprints in the system early. The school, quick to please the gov-ernment after last year’s nursing scandal (don’t ask), eagerly agreed to hand over all prints.

In reality, students’ prints need to be only scanned once to get them in the sys-tem. However, it would be suspicious if the school just scanned all fingerprints one day without explaining why, so they invented this fake attendance system just to keep up the charade.

“It’s bad enough they listen to our phone calls. Now they’re secretly taking our fingerprints, too?” complained one unnamed student, who was then im-mediately grabbed by several large men dressed in all black and thrown into an unmarked van that sped away.

“Chanies” Announce DepartureMimi Lazerowitz 2-HR

With regret, we announce that our hardworking and dedicated lunch ladies, also known as the Chanies, will be leav-ing the Yeshivah of Flatbush at the end of this year. It will be a very bittersweet departure. On one hand, we are sad that they are leaving our Flatbush family. However, we are also excited for them and would like to congratulate them on their new job as head chefs at Wolf and Lamb. The managers of Wolf and Lamb only select the most talented culinary masters for the position of head chef, so this is a huge honor.

The Chanies were chosen for this job opportunity when a Flatbush student eating at Wolf and Lamb was dissatis-fied with the dessert options. After the student, senior Oren Moskovitz, had fin-ished his filet mignon, steak sandwich, veal chop, and pepper-crusted tuna steak, all he wanted was a warm chocolate chip cookie to top off the meal. Moskovitz was appalled to find that there was no choc-olate chip cookie on the menu. He told the manager of the restaurant about Flat-bush’s mouth-watering cookies and how the Chanies can warm up a cookie like no one else. Upon hearing this news, the manager immediately called up Flatbush and begged the Chanies to join the staff as co-co-head chefs. If they can warm up a cookie, then certainly they would be qualified to cook rack of lamb and all of the other gourmet dishes served at Wolf and Lamb.

The Chanies had a very hard time deciding whether to take the job, since

they were also offered similar positions at Pardes, The Reserve Cut, Café Venezia, and even Di Moshe’s Pizza, but in the end they decided on Wolf and Lamb. They felt that working there would allow them to utilize their cooking talents the most and would, overall, be the most rewarding.

When asked about the new job, Chanie (or was it Chanie?) said, “We are very ex-cited. We have learned and practiced so many valuable skills over the years at Flatbush, such as spreading the precise amount of cream cheese on a bagel, fitting huge amounts of iceberg lettuce into small square containers, and making change for a $20 bill in record time. These essential skills are the right preparation for us to go out and take on our new careers. Working at Wolf and Lamb will be a breeze com-pared to the difficult task of fitting a hun-dred kids into a kitchen that’s half the size of Room A02.”

In preparation for the Chanies’ depar-ture, lunchtime will be a little different. Starting April 1, the Chanies will be sell-ing autographed napkins outside of the kitchen for $20. Although this price is more expensive than any food item sold at the Yeshivah of Flatbush, the napkins can be presented at Wolf and Lamb for a free plate of onion rings. Anyway, the Chanies’ autographs will probably be worth more than $20 in the future when they become famous chefs, so don’t wor-ry about the seemingly expensive price. Also, in honor of the Chanies, every Wednesday for the rest of the year, cook-ies will be extra warm. Our beloved and wonderful lunch ladies will be dearly missed.

New Teacher Spotlight: Elizabeth HalseyJane Zakay, 2-R

Ms. Elizabeth Halsey, Yeshivah of Flatbush’s newest English teacher, is en-ergetic, fun and very interested in look-ing for ways to make some money. She comes to Flatbush from John Adams Middle School, where she was known best for her help making the seventh grade car wash a roaring success.

“I love helping out when it has to do with money because I know what it’s like to be in a tough situation and sometimes you have to live off of other people,” Ms. Halsey said.

She’s been having a tough year. Ms. Halsey says she was planning to quit teaching but was forced to stay in the profession when her engagement was called off. Because of her recent break-up she needs all the help we can give her. However, she would prefer people not

talk to her about it because she is still very sensitive about the subject. “I would rather move on in my life and find some-one who truly loves me,” she says. “Like Justin Timberlake.”

In the classroom, Ms. Halsey mostly lets her students watch movies because she feels that “movies are the new books.”

Ms. Halsey is also very good at giving advice, so if you ever have a major prob-lem you can go straight to her and she will help you right away. She has some great tips on how to trick people into do-ing what you want them to do, just by us-ing other people’s interests. “Sometimes you have to take it to the next level. Oth-erwise you will never get what you want,” she explains.

Some teachers have criticized Ms. Halsey’s teaching methods—most no-tably Ms. Squirrel, who accused Ms. Halsey of cheating to get her students high scores on state exams.

However, Ms. Halsey is a friend to much of the faculty and they have wel-comed her with open arms. She told The Phoenix that she loves the school and feels very comfortable here, as long as the paychecks keep coming.

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Fanya Donin, 4-V

Many students know Ms. Ariela Rob-inson by her creative English lessons, her signature blonde hair, and her styl-ish outfits. However, what does she do to relax? Where does she go in her free time? Does she express her creativity in other ways? One only has to step into her classroom to discover the truth.

From the patterned walls to the art projects adorning every corner, room 208 is clear proof of what many of us have suspected for a while: Ms. Rob-inson is the famed guerilla street artist Bansky.

A stretch? Think again. One student described seeing the teacher in ques-tion “spray painting various stencils on a blank wall of a side street to Avenue J.” A faculty member who requested ano-nymity stated, “Ms. Robinson has been nervous and distant lately, as well as car-rying a big bag of dark clothing around.”

Still not convinced? When ques-tioned, the English teacher evaded all attempts to investigate her personal life as an artist. When asked about the paint

stains on her hands and clothing, she simply said, “Oh, these are accessories to my outfit. It’s to add depth.” When probed further, she finally sighed and declared dramatically, “Fine, it’s true! I’m Banksy. I love social commentary and art and breaking the law, and decided to combine all three. It’s just a personal hobby.”

Ms. Robinson is currently unavailable

for further answers, as the strange little indent to room 208 is swamped with reporters and paparazzi. The renegade educator-turned-artist will be holding a press conference later this week in the infamous classroom where it all started.

Suddenly, classic works about dop-pelgängers take on a new meaning. No Flatbush student will ever look at Ms. “Banksy” Robinson the same way.

Michelle Harari, 3-HR

Boys and girls, get your swim notes ready.

The construction of the new gym has unfortunately taken a turn for the worse. Despite all the rearranging of lockers and summer planning and years of fundrais-ing, unpredictable events took their toll when the auditorium and parts of the basement were flooded in early January. That, and Rabbi Levy’s undying yet un-publicized love for and history with the sport of swimming.

The freak accident of the sprinklers go-ing off in the auditorium caused damage to the auditorium, the copy room, parts of the sub-basement, the bowling alley, the sushi bar, and, unfortunately, the brand new boys’ locker room, which had been near completion. Once almost everything they had been working on for months was destroyed, Rabbi Levy made a very bold decision that was as unpredictable as the sprinkler accident that caused it.

The construction of the new pool is ex-pected to be completed after Passover va-cation. Yes, you read correctly. New pool.

As a former Olympic silver medalist in the 200-m butterfly, Rabbi Levy decided he would like his legacy to live on through his very own students. Thus the decon-struction of the new gym and reconstruc-tion of the old pool is already underway at

the Yeshivah. In addition to the construction chang-

es, Rabbi Levy and Coach Black, also a for-mer Olympian, have collaborated to form a new rigorous swim schedule. The sched-ule includes early swims for all grades twice a week, plus afternoon swims three times a week. Rabbi Levy has also officially announced that he will be the new swim coach of the swim team.

The swim team will also be undergoing some changes. Swim meets will be tak-ing place once every two weeks, with one Sunday practice every week. Rabbi Levy would like to aim for another practice, but he thinks the students at the Yeshivah will first need to learn to cope with one until they can advance to two practices a week.

In addition to practices and compe-titions, the swim team will be revamping their entire look; new uniforms are on their way! No longer maroon and gold, but the always-flattering black and white. [See Sports page for more detail on the new team uniforms.]

“I think these new upgrades will have a positive impact on the attitudes of the kids here at the Yeshivah. I strongly believe that someday in the near future, the word ‘swim’ can be said in this school and not have a negative connotation tagged along-side it,” Rabbi Levy said.

As for former girls’ gym teacher Ms.

Fleichman, she declared that although the pool will be returning, she will not. “The removal of the pool made me realize my time as a gym teacher has expired. Al-though I must share that I am ecstatic it will be returning and have faith that we can restore the former glory Flatbush’s old swim team had attained.” She expresses her confidence in Coach Black’s teaching methods and fully supports the newly cre-ated swim routine.

Mr. Amkraut would also like to noti-fy students that all future members of the new-and-improved swim team will be exempt from all gyms, but will make up those gyms with swims.

For all those of you who previously invented illnesses, you’d better make sure to reinvent something clever—and quick. Swim notes will be accepted no later than Friday, March 6. But for those of you healthy enough to swim, we do have some good news for you: in hopes of preventing another Ebola outbreak like we had last year, Rabbi Levy said the new pool will use four times the amount of chlorine that was used in the old pool.

While it is true, we will not be having balance beams or spring boards in our near future, we will be having a better pool than ever. The swim team can already smell vic-tory! Or maybe that’s just the chlorine.

Flatbush Adopts Formal UniformsNicole Yankovich, 4-HN

After much thought, the YOF ad-ministration has decided that the skirt situation has gotten out of hand and the Centrals just aren’t working. Start-ing next year, a new uniform will be enforced. Girls must wear specific navy pleated skirts to the floor and white but-ton-down shirts.

A recent poll showed that majority of the students in the Yeshivah are thrilled about the new rule. Many yeshivot en-force similar uniforms and Flatbush stu-dents have been feeling left out for quite some time.

The administration believes that aside from solving the “skirt problem,” uniforms will give the students a more studious and, well, uniform look. Boys will have to wear uniforms as well: black slacks and white button-down shirts, which must be tucked in.

Ms. Sanders, Associate Principle and Director of Admissions believes that “Al-though students may be upset at first, they will eventually learn to embrace it just as they did the Centrals.” Associate Principal Ms. Bacon agrees and adds that “Uniforms will relieve both the adminis-tration and the students from the stress of the skirt problem.”

Some students expressed that getting dressed in the morning, keeping up with the wardrobes of other students, and making sure not to re-wear the same out-fits is time-consuming and bothersome. Uniforms will make getting dressed in the morning much easier. Ms. Zaltzman said, “Then Flatbush students can actual-ly say ‘I woke up like this: FLAWLESS!’”

Not surprisingly, the idea for the new uniforms came from a student. Senior Daphna Ben-Ari said, “I can’t believe Ms. Bacon actually read the note that I put in the suggestion box!”

Although the uniforms are more lim-iting when it comes to self-expression and style, they do not completely restrict our fashion choices. Students will still be allowed to wear sweaters and shoes of their choice. Accessories such as scarves, glasses, and jewelry can also help distin-guish students from the crowd.

One senior, Julie Zirdok, is quite dis-appointed. She asked, “Why do they have to wait for me to graduate to implement this awesome rule? I also want to match the entire school all day every day. … Like twins!”

which are thought by most Flatbush stu-dents to be an urban legend—are located. “I noticed that Ms. Wielgus was volley-ing with Maria Sharapova and seemed to be in the lead, but before I could get any closer, Pat caught me and threatened to skirt me, so I had to leave.”

When approached by a student re-porter, Ms. Wielgus denied everything. “I

tore my ACL playing Ms. Schulman af-ter school. She challenged me to a match after she caught me talking to Lawrence Shiffman.”

Another freshman, a girl who asked to be referred to only as Sari B., stated that when she mentioned her intention to tell her parents of her discovery, she was called to the office. “I came down

thinking that Ms. Hanon had another Pathfinders question for me, but I was ambushed!” Sari B. explained that “all 17 of our principals, including the Rosh Yeshivah, Principal, Associate Principals, Assistant Principal, Grade Advisors, and even Boris” sat her down in the board-room and threatened to take away her Avenue J privileges if she notified the

press. “I never understood why we al-ways skip the safety drill that instructs us to evacuate to the roof. Now it all makes sense.”

Rabbi Levy refused to comment. When questioned about his involvement in the conspiracy, Jimmy stated that he “knows nothing,” and told our reporter to “shoo.”

English Teacher Is Iconic Street Artist

Swim Team Captains (Re)Assemble!

Secret Staircase ... cont’d from front page

Ms. Robinson’s handiwork

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als of the night and decided to “surround my life with them.” The next morning he attended synagogue with Rabbi Nochlin and was impressed with the unity of the congregation. At this point, DeMarco’s life was turning upside down; he was converting to Judaism.

After learning how to make kosher pizza, mastering the concept of “love your friend as you love thyself,” prop-er circumcision, and changing his first name to “Yehuda,” DeMarco was ready to begin a Jewish lifestyle. That began with koshering his store and receiv-ing the proper rabbinical supervision. On February 13, the Orthodox Union deemed Di Fara’s to be kosher. However, DeMarco was embarrassed by his store’s name, because it sounds too similar to “Pharoah,” an Egyptian King who en-slaved and tortured the Jewish people. The store has thus been renamed “Di Moshe’s.”

The local Jewish pizza-eating com-munity has rejoiced over the news. Many students of the Yeshivah of Flatbush will surely be spending their lunches there instead of other pizza shops. As Albert Rahmey, a junior, puts it, “If I wanted pizza, it used to be between Pizza Time and Benny’s. Now, it’s Di Moshe’s all the way.” Michael Beyda, senior, has gone far enough to call Di Moshe’s “the best pizza I’ve ever had.” The food is still overpriced and he has yet to develop a student special, but it has become clear that Di Moshe’s is the go-to pizza place on Avenue J.

Judah Cohen, manager at Pizza Time, understands this as well. He has been generating 72% less business since February 13 and is furious at the recent

events. “I thought I had a strong relation-ship with my customers,” said Cohen. “Now they’ve abandoned me for some guy down the block who was eating cheeseburgers a week ago.”

DeMarco calls this claim “ridiculous,” stating the fact that he’s a vegetarian.

“My customers trust me and I trust them. I can’t believe they’ve left me out in the dark like this,” continued Cohen. Se-nior Joey Cohen said this trust has been overstated. “It all started in the begin-ning of my sophomore year when they raised the price of a ziti-pesto from $5 to $6. That really bothered me. But when they decided to raise the price of putting pasta on a slice from $2 to $3, that’s when they lost my trust.”

Even the Chanies who serve lunch at Flatbush have abandoned Judah. “Di Moshe’s pizza is just better, and we have to serve the best pizza for our students,” said Chanie, Chanie, and Esther in uni-son.

A few Flatbush students have re-mained loyal to Pizza Time, including seniors Yosef Cohen, Gabe Rudy, and Elliot Zakay, who all still eat there nine times a week. All three declined to com-ment when asked about the situation, but Zakay did mumble Arabic curses un-der his breath.

Judah Cohen and his customers ar-en’t the only ones disappointed with the recent events. Rabbi Joseph Beyda has been scrambling to find a new nonko-sher place on Avenue J to use as the pri-mary example of restaurants which stu-dents may not eat at during lunch.

As DeMarco develops a stronger rela-tionship with Flatbush students, he looks to get involved in working at the Yeshi-vah. He said he would like to teach an

optional course once a week for students who are interested in learning more about making pizza. Mr. Brian Katz, Tzei U’lemad coordinator, would love to in-clude DeMarco in his program due to the lack of culinary Tzei U’lemads.

Head of School Rabbi Raymond Ha-rari is particularly excited about this idea. “Making the perfect pizza is an art that has been lost in our community and in Jewish communities across the world. I believe our Yeshivah can now improve that situation for our community’s fu-ture,” said Harari. Additionally, Rabbi Yitzhak Rosenblum, morning minyan coordinator, has said that DeMarco will take over running the shacharit minyan for junior boys once “Teddy Chattah moves on with his life.”

As for DeMarco’s personal life, he’s settled comfortably in the Brooklyn Jew-ish community. He attends Shaare Zion on a regular basis, reads Rabbi Jonathan Sacks’s weekly newsletter, and has grown fond of kibbeh and sambusak. He recent-ly bought a brand new Mercedes CLX 800 and plans to spend his next January vacation in Aruba. DeMarco has also started learning Arabic and now believes he’s an expert in all political issues and the New York Yankees. As Rabbi Yoni Skolnick of the Yeshivah of Flatbush puts it, ”It’s great to have another dignified man in this community. Especially one who makes great pizza.”

about her love of the outdoors, barbecu-ing innovations and altogether love of “roughing it.”

“We’re going to be ranchers,” Ms. Marcus told The Phoenix in an exclusive interview.

She explained that her husband en-joyed being a police officer at first, but with violent crime at historically low lev-els, he finds himself bored and spends most of his workday playing Candy Crush Saga.

Meanwhile, Ms. Marcus has her own reasons for leaving Flatbush behind. “Being the most fun English teacher in the lower grades isn’t all it’s cracked up to be,” she explained. “At first it was pretty easy out-shining Hofstetter and Pahuskin and Stein, but they’re not as lousy as they used to be. Their students even seem to like them this year. Now that I have a kid, I just can’t keep up my old pace. And those whiny SGO students—don’t get me started.”

Ms. Marcus also said she looks for-ward to the Texas weather. “It’s just so cold here,” she said. “I don’t mean outside—I can handle that. I mean it’s too cold in Room 101. I teach there twice a week. It’s brutal. You think it’s a coincidence that Rabbi Gez looks like Santa Claus? That room is like the North Pole.”

In Abilene, the Marcus family will get land, grass and a warmer climate.

Ms. Marcus also expressed concern for her health. “When I started teaching here I looked like I was 16. Four years later, I, well, I still look like I’m 16, but you get the point.”

Gary Marcus has already secured a job as a Texas Ranger, although he was disappointed to find out that his new job requires him to play for the Major League Baseball team rather than fighting crime on the state’s famous law enforcement team with the same name.

As for Ms. Marcus, she looks forward to being the most fun and creative rancher in town. “I already spend my day clean-ing up after a bunch of animals,” she said, although she didn’t specify whether she meant her husband and son or her stu-dents.

Ms. Marcus’s years at Flatbush, from being a conscientious and involved stu-dent to a proud alumna and ultimately a devoted faculty member, will not go with-out recognition. The SGO has already an-nounced that Color War will be renamed Sarah Marcus Honorary Color War, and plans are in the works to commission a bronze statue of Ms. Marcus. According to Rabbi Levy, the statue will be unveiled on the first day of school; the day was chosen because it has historically been the one day each year when Ms. Marcus is most likely to be mistaken for a student.

Best of luck in your new life, Ms. Mar-cus! We tip our 10-gallon hats to you.

Gym To Become CoedMichelle Harari, 3-HR

The reconstruction of the pool has proved to be taking a bit longer than de-sired, resulting in one seriously bizarre situation: coed gym.

After being notified by Mr. Amkraut that the girls will not be switching Beit Midrash gym for actual gym with the boys this semester, as was originally planned, Coach Black wasn’t too happy. But she didn’t let this inconvenience get the bet-ter of her; she took action. And thus coed gym was born.

In the beginning of the year, the girls were notified that for second term they will be relocated to the new gym, with the new gymnastics gear set up specially for them. Due to a recent reassessment of the gym construction, resulting in the re-building of the school pool, the new space

will be occupied for quite some time now. And there simply wasn’t anywhere else to have girls’ gym.

“We couldn’t continue having gym in the Beit Midrash, because we finished all of the curriculum. Our schedule for the next semester requires much more space, and it’s too late now to think up a whole new routine,” explained Coach Black. The story goes as follows: she went up to the boys’ new gym teacher, Gus Augusto Ken-nedy, and simply asked if the gym could be shared between the boys and girls. He was completely understanding, so as of March 9 the girls and boys will be housed in the same gym and the same time, pos-sibly following the same curriculum.

“I think it’s extremely important and soothing for teenage boys to learn yoga,” shared Coach Stern, assistant gym teach-

er. “I myself am quite the yoga lover, so I think it would be appreciated if our boys learned the art.” Coach Gus has not yet commented on this idea.

Although the details regarding curric-ulum have not yet been sorted through, the two gym teachers have been able to agree on one thing: they will alternate gyms. For instance, one week will be vol-leyball for the boys. But this no longer means only the boys will have volleyball; the girls will participate, too. And the next week will be gymnastics for the girls. But of course this means that the boys will be joining in for handstands, too. Coach Black and Coach Stern will be aiding Coach Gus during the boys’ gym week, Week A, and Gus will be assisting Coach Black and Ms. Stern during the girls’ gym week, Week B.

belong in this department.” Unsurprisingly, the only history

teacher clearly angry by the upcoming switch is Mr. Lazar, Mr. Hofstetter’s long-time nemesis. “I can’t believe we used to carpool together,” Mr. Lazar grumbled. “Thankfully, now Mr. Rothbort drives me home on his moped.”

Mr. Hofstetter says he can’t wait to teach American history, poli-sci, and law, although he’s not exactly what you’d call an expert in any of those subjects. “You know that old Sam Cooke song, ‘Don’t know much about history’? Yeah, he

wrote that song about me. But no matter. I’ll just assign lots of research papers. I’m really good at that—just ask my sopho-mores. They’re having so much fun with their short story projects! Plus,” he went on, “I think I’ll continue Kappy’s policy of assigning outlines for homework. This way, it’s all on the students to have the in-formation. I don’t have to actually teach anything!”

As for Ms. Kaplowitz, she’s not wor-ried either. “I know I’m not certified to teach English, but if Hofstetter can do it, then how hard can it really be?”

And when asked about what the switch meant for feminism, and whether she was giving in to the idea that history is too complicated a subject for women to teach and politics too dirty, Ms. Kaplowitz just shrugged. “Certainly both men and women are capable of teaching a bunch of high school students where the East River is. Actually, it appears that nobody is ca-pable of doing that, because my students DO NOT KNOW WHERE THE EAST RIVER IS!” Getting back on topic, Ms. Kaplowitz added, “Sometimes you’ve got to bring back #separatebutequal.”

It is still undetermined whether this ar-rangement will remain during the swim sea-son.

As usual, Rabbi Levy will be giving regu-lar check-ins over the balcony to make sure all is running smoothly, and Rabbi Harari will make sure the doors are working properly.

Between the new gym program and the spontaneous pool decision, Flatbush is un-dergoing many interesting changes, that’s for sure. Maybe they’ll even make Staircase C accessible.

Kaplowitz & Hofstetter ... cont’d from front page

Di Fara’s ... cont’d from front page

Ms. Marcus ... cont’d from page 2

Mishmar Mondays!That’s right! Your favorite Thursdays are now Mondays. Come after school for a night of learning with Ms. Schulman and Garden of Eat-In! The sessions and stakes have been raised. Archon available.

6 | www.theflatbushphoenix.com / chag purim sameach

Fun & Games

Movie Review: TitanicShani Zenilman, 4-HR

I recently had the pleasure of view-ing the Oscar-winning satire Titanic. The film, directed by James Cameron and starring Leonardo DiCaprio in the title role, made history for being one of the few comedies to win Best Picture.

While the visuals of the film were stunning, critics originally predicted that the film would flop due to the se-verity of the subject matter. They were, however, pleasantly surprised.

The film is set in 1912, aboard the doomed Titanic cruise ship, but any semblance of a plot is merely an excuse to hit the audience with one joke after another. And this film has it all: sight gags, slapstick, lowbrow toilet humor, clever puns, and subtle satire.

The laughs start early: after a brief, se-rious moment in present time, the movie shifts to increasingly hilarious flashbacks, and begins with Rose wearing a ridicu-lous hat that rivals the size of the Titanic itself. In fact, it practically obscures the ship in the background. Although the film is a romantic comedy, the core of the comedy revolves not around the love sto-ry, but rather on the anticipation of the next ridiculous costume. Although the British have a history of wearing ridicu-lous dresses and hats, it was actually quite surprising to see the Americans aboard imitating their wacky styles. However, that just added to the humor, because it is hard to take one seriously when they are decked out in such extravagant clothing.

The film can be somewhat formula-ic—how many times have we seen the old “boy meets girl, boy gets girl, boy drowns in a famous maritime disaster” trope? But it still manages to break fresh ground occasionally.

In the theater where I saw the film, the portrait-painting scene got huge laughs. But, hands down, the funniest scene of the movie? When the brilliant Jack and the even brighter Rose didn’t realize that the door was large enough to fit them both. Perhaps the cold addled their brains, as well as their eyesight? Regardless, their clear error, along with Rose’s overdramatized “I’ll never let go,” (as she pushes Jack to his icy grave) had the whole theater in stitches.

Perhaps next time, instead of sneak-ing onto a boat, hit the road, Jack.

Merle AsksMerle Cohen, 4-HR1. Who’s this “Merle” character?2. Does she even go to this school?3. On average, how many questions

does she completely make up for each issue?

4. Wait, we have a school newspaper?5. Why isn’t anyone answering my

questions?6. Where did Merle go?7. Hello … anyone home?8. Can I get Merle’s phone number for

emergency advice?9. What happened to the comic strip?10. No, but seriously, she’s never made

up a question? For real?

10 Fun FactsMerle Cohen, 4-HR1. The first Egyptian chariots were

powered by sails.2. Osama bin Laden had a lifetime

subscription to Mad magazine.3. Sir Isaac Newton invented the game

hopscotch4. Although Thursday is historically

thought of as being named after the god Thor, it was actually named for his brother, Thur.

5. Although the publisher Scholastic Books expected more, the last Har-ry Potter book sold only 320 copies on the first day of sales.

6. President George W. Bush locked himself out of the Oval Office fif-teen times in his presidency.

7. You’re most likely to be stung by a bee in windy weather.

8. Scientists predict that in late 2015 the television show “Mythbusters” will run out of myths.

9. Mr. Rogers was a sniper in the Viet-nam war.

10. The only electrical equipment the Amish are allowed to use is a Pani-ni press.

11. Gotcha!

Scandals RevealedMerle Cohen, 4-HRAs a journalist, it’s imperative that I report the truth and only the truth. It may be shocking but these truths needed to be exposed. 1. Mr. Kennard’s daughter is actually

Ms. Mizrahi! He adopted her when she was a young child and brought her up on a foundation of physics. (Why do you think she’s so good at it?) His only regret is that she works for NASA and he doesn’t.

2. The only reason the pool’s been closed is because there’s been a mass outbreak of rodents (OMG). All the “construction” noise we’ve been hearing is the industrial fumi-gation machines.

3. In the next few years, Ms. Shulman is projecting that girls will outnum-ber boys 8:1 (as if that’s not already a reality).

4. The tennis courts aren’t on the roof. They’re actually located in the sub-sub basement and only accessible from the downstairs fan room lad-der.

5. Starting next year, Mr. Galpert will assume position of SGO Presi-dent-for-life.

EntertainmentBeyoncé To Join YOF ChoirRebecca Zami, 4-HR

Senior Janet Chrem fainted after last week’s Book Day performance when she received a shocking phone call. When the video of Chrem singing in the choir went viral, pop, R&B, and now Jew-ish-music sensation Beyoncé Knowles called upon Chrem for a challenge on a national stage: Madison Square Garden.

The show took place just a few days later, on this past Sunday. A few special guests were invited to watch the exclu-sive, intense battle go down. Not only was it a singing competition, but also there were strings attached. Beyon-cé felt like she needed to prove herself when she additionally came across the stunning standing ovation Janet re-ceived after singing Beyoncé’s very own “Listen” at the school’s Spring Concert three years ago. Beyoncé insisted that, if Chrem were to lose the sing-off, Chrem could never sing publicly again.

“Fine, but if I win, you have to join the Flatbush choir,” Janet said compet-itively. Her surprising assertiveness made for a merciless duel to the death. It was a done deal, and the showdown would soon take place.

To no one’s surprise, the esteemed judges, Pitch Perfect star Fat Amy and Flatbush choir director Mr. Brian Gel-fand, were so touched by Janet’s impres-sive performance, she received a score of 19 out of 20 overall. Beyonce’s 16-min-ute dance and lip-syncing session con-vincing everyone she is flawless earned her a mere 17.

“I could tell in Janet’s performance than she has a really fat heart,” Fat Amy said. “Her duet with that Joey Cohen boy covering ‘I Will Always Love You’ was so perfect. She definitely earned some extra points with that one.” With that, the judges were sold.

“I was shocked when she [Beyoncé] walked in to the music room the next Tuesday night for chamber choir prac-tice,” said senior choir member Morris Nadjar. “I would have given her a 20 in a heartbeat, but I’m glad they didn’t. Now the rest of the choir gets to benefit from her talent.”

However, it’s not easy to benefit from an artist while her rival stands tall in the room. “The atmosphere is very tense around the two girls,” says junior choir member Aida Franco. “Often I wish we could just harmonize together in the lounge and throw all our troubles away on a magic carpet.”

Though it’s been quite an adjustment for the Grammy-winning superstar, she’s fitting in just right in the choir. The next choir performance will be at the annual Yom HaShoah program, and the stu-dent body is eager to see what the choir’s

newest member will bring to the table. “She’s actually really into it,” says Mr.

Gelfand. “She pours her heart and soul into the words of L’mancha. She says she doesn’t know what it means, but regard-less, she tears up during every perfor-mance. Now that’s Flatbush choir spirit.”

Should we expect the unexpected from the choir—a dazzling, over-the-top, pow-erful performance like Beyoncé’s regular shows, with feminist slogans and clone-like backup dancers—in the coming choir performances?

Ultimately, the choir’s overall talent never fails to astound the Flatbush fami-ly. They don’t wake up like this; their hard work and dedication is apparent in every performance, and their challenges shall only become their ultimate benefit. Be-yoncé is welcomed to the Flatbush family with open arms. Sing it, girl!

LOL!

By morning, stores were putting up “Out of Wafers” signs. Paskesz said it’s never run into this kind of production shortage before. It’s sold more wafers in the past 24 hours than in a whole year. In retrospect, Rabbi Prag says he probably shouldn’t have stockpiled wafers so close to Pesach. “Hungry students are a powerful force,” he said, “but I’m still going to have to sell most of this to my neighborhood goy.”

The Annex reconstruction has temporarily been halted to store Rabbi Prag’s wafers.

PS: In case you were beginning to suspect that Rabbi Prag is in ca-hoots with the local dentists, rest as-sured that he cares about his students’ health. When senior Rosie Ovadia was spotted eating her lunch of chewy bars (purchased from our very own Flatbush vending machine) in class, a concerned Rabbi Prag offered her an orange. “You need to have a well-bal-anced lunch, Rosie,” he explained. His arsenal of food does not just include sugary wafers, although now that’s probably all his students will taste for a long, long while.

Wafer Shortage ... cont’d from page 1

Merle’s Math Fun

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Standard of Fabulous

Fabulous Freshie: Brian Dweck, 1-Z

For this month we have chosen a particularly fashionable freshman! Bri-an Dweck, commonly known as Bad Luck Brian, is so fabulous that his pic-ture has been traveling all over the In-ternet for years. Students and teachers alike are all incredibly jealous of his insanely awesome sense of style. He al-ways looks put together in his signature look: a plaid sweater vest and white col-lared polo. He is an exemplary fashion icon, and it is clear that he is purpose-fully leaning toward the “old school nerd turned chic” look. We here at SOF are well aware that it is quite difficult to pull

off a look like Brian’s while remain-ing unquestionably fashionable. Not only does he express him-self through his outfit choices, but also through his kind heart

and midot. While interviewing Brian he shared with us that if

anyone was interested he will be giving a surprise mini-shiur

with Rabbi Besser on “How to Dress as Fabulously as Brian” at Flatbush’s next Sunday Morning Learn-ing. Be sure to mark your calendars for the big event

and don’t be shy about ap-proaching him if you would like any additional tips on how to remain stylish, even in an Internet meme!

Fashion Alert: The Full Body Sweater is Finally Here!Emma Burekhovich, 4-V

Have you ever wanted to feel completely engulfed by your sweater? Almost as if it was eating you alive? Well now you can! The full body sock sweater is finally here! Comfort is no secondary component when it comes to the manufacturing of this garment. Don’t worry about not being able to perform daily tasks. With this full body sweater the feeling of tranquility will enter your body, allowing for the full sweat-er-wearing experience.

The original concept was based on a version of the sweater shown during Tokyo’s fashion week back in 2014. Many raged about the sweater and popularity quickly grew in Japan. After two weeks of brisk sales, the sweater was suddenly removed from all store shelves. The issue forcing its recall was that it lacked proper functionability. In short, the wearer could not move at all once inside the sweater. In attempts to salvage the initial concept, some of the leading fashion labels from around the world headed back to the drawing board. A team of top-notch designers recently congre-gated in New York City during New York’s annual Comfy Sweater Convention, more commonly known as ComfCon. The results of the new and improved garment were mind blowing.

The major issue with the original design was the inability to view or reach be-yond the confines of the sweater. To resolve that dilemma the designers added three uniquely spaced openings. The first are for the eyes and mouth, of course. This new feature allows the wearer to view the outside world, enabling him or her to function in society without the need for removal of the garment. It was also specifically designed to make eating possible while wearing the suit, as long as all food-related items are able to fit through the three-inch opening. Although the sweater only allows for the wearer to maintain a forward gaze, with the coziest knit wrapped tightly around your head there would be no reason to even think about rotating your head. The next opening is located by the torso in perfect reach for concealed hands inside, meant for holding the necessities: a phone and drink. The last is for your toes to stick out, to ensure that no customer passes out after spending an entire day sealed inside their jumbo sweater.

Not only is this sweater made for those seeking style and comfort, its pat-ented design is also perfect for the introverts of our world. Enjoying life from the confines of the body sweater is priceless, and this daring garment is sure to become acceptable attire for any occasion. With a clothing article like this I don’t understand why anyone would want to wear anything else! Ever! This incredible development in the fashion industry is sure to change the way we see the world around us!

Snap-T ComboVictor Zeitoune, 4-HR

Way back when, on my first day of high school I wore a snap shirt. Lit-tle did I know what would happen to me, over and over and over and over again. One by one, the people around me unsnapped my shirt, half of whom I didn’t even know (Seriously guys, it’s just creepy. An unsnap attack is never fun.)

As I walked through the halls Ms. Bloom joked, “Victor, this is not bloody hot South Africa. Even if it were, the president always wears a shirt!”

I remember Rabbi Rosenblum see-ing my head down as I scurried to my next class. My shirt was around my wrists and my hands were filled with books, leaving me paralyzed. He said, “What happened, Victor? You wore a snap shirt? We don’t do that in Flat-bush.”

I was determined to change that.Just a little while later, I ordered

my first Superman shirt, then a Smurf, and after that a T-shirt with a drawing of myself on it. It was my ammunition against the unsnap attack. Once again, the people around me unsnapped my shirt, half of whom I didn’t even know. But this time I won, as having a shirt on underneath took away all the fun in unsnapping.

Thanks to me, a snap shirt/T-shirt combo is the new style. It’s what ev-eryone is wearing! Regular buttons are just out of whack, like Blackberries and textbooks, but the “Snap-T” combo is IN. It’s a fresh look you definitely don’t want to be missing out on.

StreimelsSocks and sandals CrocsSnap shirts Leg warmersBody socksBlue and black dressesWhite and gold dresses

TRENDING

Fashion Fact of the Month:Rabbi Levy was the founder and editor of the first fashion magazine, which was published in Germany in 1587.

8 | www.theflatbushphoenix.com / chag purim sameach

Sports

Sportsman Spotlight: Ikey WashingtonAlbert Dweck, 3-HR

I’ve been awaiting this opportunity all year long, to do a profile on Flatbush Pen-guins water polo star Ikey Washington. First things first: yes, Ikey is a direct descen-dant of George Washington.

Washington, a freshman, told The Phoenix that he chose to attend Yeshivah of Flat-bush specifically so that he could further his skills in this exciting aquatic sport, as he plans to try out for the U.S. National team and play in the 2016 Olympics in Rio. When he graduated from elementary school, Washington was already the fifth-ranked teenager in the word.

Unfortunately, it had to be me who delivered the news to him that Flatbush no longer has a pool and that our polo team has been converted into an actual polo team. (Tryouts are next Thursday—bring your own horse.) Washington abruptly called off the rest of the interview, stormed off, and left Flatbush to go sign up to play for the perennial superpower water polo team at East Cheyenne High School in Wyoming. Sorry guys, update to follow. Purim sameach!

Penguin To Replace FalconMichael Shamah, 4-HN

Due to the recent frigid weather, the Flatbush administration and athletics depart-ment have decided to change the school mascot from a flacon to a penguin. All student athletes must see Mr. Amkraut, the Athletic Director, to receive their new team jerseys.

Towards the end of January, Mr. Galpert brought up the idea to change the mascot during the administration’s weekly meeting. “It more accurately portrays the time and place that we live in,” said Mr. Galpert. The administration agreed and the new mascot will be in put into effect on March 15.

Biology teacher Dr. Fruchter explained that falcons, though fero-cious, “simply cannot survive the sustained single-digit temperatures and devastating wind-chill factors like those we’ve been having lately. Penguins are much better suited to the climate in which our sports teams play and live.”

Mr. Amkraut loved the idea and had Ms. Berkowitz design all-new jerseys and a new logo for the teams. “Black and white is a perfect combination that represents Brooklyn not only at the local level but also at the national level. It works well because they are the same colors as the Brooklyn Nets, plus most people who live in Flatbush dress in only black and white anyway.”

The move has yet to be announced to the school, so we were unable to get reactions from stu-dents. However, Rabbi Beyda expects the Flatbush Penguin to be resoundingly positive. “Many students don’t enjoy the maroon and gold, so hopefully black and white will be easier on the eyes and have less criticism.”

Not everyone was so positive about the change, however. Ms. Bloom, the chair of the English department, had this to say: “Flatbush Penguin? Where’s the alliteration? It loses all the poetry and symbolism. It’s a good thing Shakespeare is al-ready dead, because this would kill him.”

Season Preview: Varsity FootballConcentrating on Ups, Not DownsJoey Cohen, 4-HR

For the first time in over 50 years, the Yeshivah of Flatbush Joel Braverman High School proudly presents the 2015 Flatbush Football Falcons. Finally backed by the administration, the Athletic Department was able to bring football back to the Yeshivah for the first time in 52 years. Expectations couldn’t be higher for the upcoming season of boys’ varsity football and for a team with the biggest and the strongest YOF has to offer.

The strongest part of our team is by far the offensive line. At center is the big, strong 315-pounder out of Magen David Elementary, Victor Zeitoune. The posi-tion of left guard is filled by Sol Betesh, a perfect build for the position. They’re prepared to open up holes for the quickest running back in the league, Michael Beyda.

The coach? None other than Ms. Kaplowitz, of course. Coach K has imple-mented a strict training regimen, including running across the field while recit-ing the Presidents backwards and lifting 33-pound APUSH textbooks over their heads. As voted by a team poll, the favorite routine is “JJJ” or “JFK Jumping Jacks,” where for each jumping jack, a player recites one thing they love about President John F. Kennedy.

Under the condition of anonymity, a star player said about the new and im-proved Coach K: “You think she’s tough in the classroom? I would rather have a 300-pound lineman take a seat on me than have Coach yell!”

Coach Kaplowitz is joined by an elite associate staff, headlined by offensive co-ordinator Mar Raphaeli. He can often be heard shouting words of encouragement, telling his players that football builds mental strength for success on the Yerushal-mi. He also offers this advice to opposing players and referees.

Ms. Hanon has been put in charge of players’ diets, and she can always be relied on to provide some carrots or celery with some kind words of enthusiasm. 86% of the team voted Monday as their favorite day of the week, as Ms. Hanon is known to bring her famous Rugelach every Monday.

By far the biggest surprise is that Flatbush is fielding a team at all. The last time “football” and “Flatbush” went in the same sentence was 1963. That was when star quarterback Smitty Werben YagermanJensen injured his right patella in an awkward touchdown celebration. YagermanJensen missed the rest of the season and still walks with a limp today. The YagermanJensen family sued the school for negligence, the team’s insurance premiums went through the roof, and that was the end of Flatbush football.

Until now.“We’re over what happened to Smitty,” said Assistant Administrator Mr. David

Galpert. “It’s time to turn over a new leaf and start playing the game we love.”The Falcons are back, and they are looking to pick up right where the ’63 team

left off.In the middle of the Pierce Push-Up exercise (that’s 14th President Franklin

Pierce, of course), Coach K showed some optimism about the upcoming season. “We might actually win one game in the next three years,” she said, as the team started making the switch to the next drill, the Lincoln Long Jump.

The team has a bright future. Looking at the younger grades, it’s clear that Ohad Reichman and Eli Dimenshteyn have a future on the defensive line. Dr. Joel B. Wolowelsky, head of Player Development, has spoken highly of Reichman, saying he resembles a young Vince Wilfork at the nose tackle position.

In their first year back, we’re all excited to see how the newest branch of the Falcons do. Tune in to ESPN on Wednesday nights to see them in action. Pre-

season scrimmages start Wednesday, March 11.

Trivia ContestWin a trip to Rebounderz

with Rabbi Levy!The question: Name all the traditions Mr. David Galpert has started

since his days as a senior. Whoever lists the most traditions wins an afternoon of fun and

excitement with your very own principal!Drop off all entries at Ms. Fleishman’s office.

Do you know how hard it was to find a water polo picture that’s appropriate to print?