Behold! An excerpt fromREDUXODUS

Chapter 4, Verses 1-21

1 The Ten Plagues were an exciting time.2 I remember the initial wingstorming session I held with Gabriel, Raphael,

Michael and Uriel.3 “Angels,” I said unto them, “Let us create a list of the ten most superior

ways to afflict the Egyptians; one that not only unleashes a catalog of despair upon them, but does so in a mirthful way that keeps the pace up.

4 And let us endeavor earnestly to nail this: For if it works out, I may have another such list-of-ten writing gig lined up for us in the near future.”

5 The ideas percolated; the energy overflowed; Gabriel would offer an idea for a possible plague, which would trigger a pestilential suggestion from Raphael, which in turn would spark the basis of an unutterable horror from Uriel; I could feel the synergy.

6 All five of us had the same initial instinct: Animals.7 Herds of elephants; packs of wolves; unkindnesses of ravens; killer pup-

pies; millions of land-lobsters scuttling across the desert like unto a gi-ant terror-bisque; believe me, if it was a living organism characterized by voluntary movement, someone suggested terrorizing Egypt with it.

8 Truly, we could have made all ten plagues animal-related, and it would have made for a grievous and amusing spectacle; but in the end we lim-ited it to four: In order of appearance, frogs (icky), gnats (bitey), wild beasts (really bitey), and locusts (faminey).

9 Then Raphael had the idea of killing their pre-existing livestock with dis-ease; a cute twist on the animal concept, I thought; we went with it.

10 Then Gabriel said, “I would bounce this off of thee: After killing the live-stock, what if we sicken their owners with visible signs of their own iniquity?”

11 And that moment, right there, was the inspiration . . . for boils.12 We placed it right after cattle disease; in the center slots, five and six; the

cows got dead, then the people got scaly; a great one-two punch.13 Of course, there were many potential atmospheric and meteorological

cataclysms that came to our minds; but in the end we chose only two, hail and darkness;

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14 For we felt the Egyptians would regard a blizzard as more of a treat than a curse; and as for rain, well, I was certainly not going down that road again.

15 Of course no Decalogue of Despair would be complete without a little blood; and it was Uriel who had the idea of turning all their water into blood, including the Nile; which we ended up using as our opener.

16 It was somewhat humorous; but to be truthful it did not kill; for it did not kill.

17 This made nine plagues; each and every one of them a worthy addition to the pantheon of calamity; yet none seemed to us a worthy conclusion, the ultimate deus ex machina.

18 We felt like Beethoven, so overawed by our first nine symphonies of suf-fering, that we blanched at the very thought of creating a tenth.

19 Then, late one evening, when we were all (save me) exhausted; after we had each thrown a myriad of ideas against the wall, to find them stick-ing not; suddenly Michael, who had heretofore contributed little to the plaguewriting process, arose and said:

20 “Call me crazy, but what if we killed every firstborn son in Egypt, from the firstborn son of Pharaoh, to the firstborn son of the female slave who is at her hand mill; and all the firstborn of the cattle as well?”

21 At which point, the rest of all just thought, “Well, verily, that’s it. That’s number ten, right there.”

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