The Kretins of Doctor Combobulay

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Bounty hunters of the Palace of Amino

Book Seven

The KretinsofDoctor

Combobulay

Peter Stuart Fothergillwww.palaceofamino.com


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Bounty Hunters of the Palace of Amino

Book Seven: The Kretins of Doctor Combobulay

www.palaceofamino.com

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The following novels by Peter Stuart Fothergill areavailable for download at www.palaceofamino.com

Bounty Hunters of the Palace of Amino Series

Book One: Bounty Hunters of the Palace of Amino

Book Two: Rise of the Dough Monster

Book Three: Mechanism

Book Four: The Impaler and the Slim-Jims

Book Five: The Face of Satans Bog

Book Six: Vengeance of the Lump-Being


Book Eight: The Nomads and the Mind Machine

Book Nine: Invasion of the Scab Demons

Other Novels

Toxic Venom

High-Tech Green Thing

Hippies *

* With contributions by Panos Aristidou, Justin Codd, Ross Meddle and Lawrence So


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Book Seven

The Kretinsof

Doctor Combobulay


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Copyright Peter Stuart Fothergill 2006

All rights reserved

The right of Peter Stuart Fothergill to be identified as the author of

this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright,Designs and Patents Act 1988.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval

system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic,

mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior

permission of the author.


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Chapter List

1 Prologue 62 Flattened Olive 63 Whores 104 Healthy Lust 175 The Example Chamber 206 Monolithic Statues 247 Two Hooded Guards 288 The Sound of Moaning 309 Hideous Body 3510 A Blackened Room of Soot 3811 Formidable Strategies 42

12 Some Kind of Greenish Oil 4513 Balls of Destruction 5014 Unevenly Plump Torso 5315 Yellow Frogs Wearing Sandals 5716 Dirty Old Transistor Radio 6117 Dark and Brooding 6518 Thong 6819 Catapulted Sculpture 7120 Idiots 7521 A Bizarre and Funny-Looking Ship 7622 Concentrated Levels of Stupidity 8023 Sallow-Faced Tub 8224 Wine 8625 Expert Taunting 8826 Pressurised Cheese 9227 Sweat, Soap and Beer 9428 A Slowly Expanding Cone of Light 9729 Hand Crank 9930 Big and Round and Cute 10131 A Vision of Pure Might and Terror 10532 Fibres of Light 108

33 A Curvaceous Beauty Named Kaela 11234 Rasping Scream 11535 Hug 11936 Thin Buckled Arms 12037 Mad Animated Head Gallery 12238 Brainwashed 12439 Brutally Concise Statement 12740 A Thin Strip of Glossy Black Leather 129


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1 Prologue

Earth Reference Year: 2415.08 AD

The devastation had been swift, complete. The giant rocks had fallen

onto almost every continent and island of Droog, punching effortlessly

through the planets crust, and showering chunks of molten death highand wide. In just a few hours more than three billion souls had

perished in torment, overwhelmed by the blast of violent fire that had

engulfed their world.Only a privileged few had made it to the bunkers in time.

The fledgling civilisation of the Stoidi had ended.

A sphere, no larger than a fist, rose out of the ocean. It turned slowly

on its shaft to face the distant shoreline, and then extended various

instruments. The flaming ruins of a once towering city could be seen.

Smoke, thick and black, billowed into the soot-filled sky. It was a

truly desolate sight.Debris, still molten, splashed down nearby in a cloud of steam.

The sphere angled upwards to image the sky. More glowing debris

appeared out from the clouds like a rain of orange stars.

The sphere watched for a few seconds, and then retracted its

instruments. The sphere descended below the waves.

2 Flattened OliveSeven days later

DEEP-SCAN OF REGION 922 COMPLETED.

Startled, Sinda Thighs opened her eyes. She took a couple of

seconds to blink away her sleepiness, and then looked out through the

large spherical window that surrounded her small but generously padded cockpit chair. Three-hundred kilometres below the planet


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Droog turned slowly, its ash-clogged atmosphere brown and grey, and

its once luscious forests and cobalt oceans completely hidden from

view.But not hidden from the prying sensors of a state-of-the-art

bounty hunter vessel, of course.Sinda Thighs spoke. Summary, please.

REGION 922 MEAN TEMPERATURE: MINUS SEVEN

DEGREES 30 DEGREES BELOW REGIONAL AVERAGE. 441

HUMANOID SURVIVORS DETECTED. REGIONAL PRE-

DISASTER POPULATION: 2,003,982.

Several reports, charts and images appeared on the single

angled view-screen in front of the bounty hunter. She examined the

data. One image showed a devastated coastline, with the remains of

settlements blown flat by immense blast waves. Another showed

some low-lying hills, parched clean by incredible heat, and now

frozen as the high-altitude ash from the impacts had cloaked the

atmosphere. Less than ten-percent of the parent stars light now

reached the surface. The survivors could be seen, huddling in smallgroups near the ocean. Their life-signs were weak, and their

movements slow and erratic.

They would not be survivors much longer.

Sinda Thighs felt a deep desire to help, but she knew she could

not. Palace of Amino regulations were strict in such situations: if the

devastated world was not the home to a subspace-capable civilisationthen intervention was not allowed. The disaster must run its course

naturally, even if it meant the extinction of the civilisation.The bounty hunter did not like such a hard policy, but she

understood the reasoning behind it. And much more importantly, she

respected the wisdom of her superiors who had defined the regulation

more than four centuries earlier.

After a spending a few more seconds examining the summary

data, Sinda Thighs spoke. Encrypt and transmit to the palace, and

then move onto the next section. ENCRYPTION AND TRANSMISSION COMPLETE.

COMMENCING DEEP-SCAN OF SECTION 923. COMPLETION

IN 16 MINUTES

Reaching up, the bounty hunter gripped a bar and pulled herself

up and out of her seat. The next few sections would be scans of an

ocean even less interesting than the seared land masses. It was the

perfect time for a break.

Sinda Thighs left the cockpit through a narrow archway and

entered her living area. It was cramped but luxurious, with thecentrepiece a firm round bed covered in purple velvet sheets and


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strewn with black pillows of various shapes and sizes. On the walls

were various entertainment systems and pleasuring devices, and to the

left a small galley that was fully stocked with delectable conveniencemeals from more than a hundred worlds.

To the right of the bed was a bathing room Sinda Thighsfavourite place on her new ship. The transparent door of the bathing

room slid open as the bounty hunter approached. With unseen

elegance she slipped off her auto-boots and entered the bathing room.

She touched a small panel on the inside of her collar. The power zip

on the front of her all-in-one tight blue body suit whirred its way

down to her waist. She slipped off the sleeves, revealing the toned

beauty of her lightly tanned upper body. Bending over, she rolled the

suit down over her legs, her famous thighs flexing gently as she did so.

Admiring herself in one of the floor to ceiling mirrors on the

wall, she stepped out of the suit and walked, naked, into the shower.

Immediately she was sprayed in a hot soapy downpour. She tipped

her head back and ran her fingers through her shoulder-length black

hair, letting the hot water cleanse her scalp. And then, slowly, shecaressed her body with her hands, spreading bubbles over her breasts

and then down between her legs. She grinned as the foam tingled over

her skin, moisturising and refreshing every curve and pore. She felt

joyous.

The tedium of her task melted away gently into the steam.

Sinda Thighs took a few moments to reflect. Her mission, tomap and analyse the devastation on the surface of the planet Droog

caused by 14 unusual asteroid impacts, may have been unexciting andmonotonous, but it did have one special quality: it was her first as a

fully qualified bounty hunter, seventh-class. She had graduated only

three months earlier with the very highest honours, and with grades

that put her in the top-ten graduates of all time.

She giggled as she remembered the month-long debaucheries of

her celebrations the alcohol, the spices, the massages, the base-

jumping, the belly dancing, and the countless hours of sweatyfornication.

Nothing, of course, could have beaten the evening when Peter

the Ace and Panman appeared on the wall-sized video-screen of her

apartment to offer their personal congratulations. They had been on a

mission and were unable to attend her graduation ceremony,

something they had wished to do. After giving her the opportunity to

leave the closed underground society of the Impaler and become their

assistant, and then later a trainee bounty hunter, the two greatest

bounty hunters of all time had always taken a special interest in her.She would be forever grateful for their support, and had felt honoured


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and aroused beyond time by their call. That moment would certainly

be one of the highlights of her life, and it would dwell in her thoughts

forever.After the month of celebrations, Sinda Thighs had been given

the chance to choose her own ship, a task she had been relishing sinceshe had started training as a bounty hunter more than twenty years

before. After viewing over twenty gleaming new vessels, ranging

from a tiny lozenge-like pod to an appalling thirty-metre diameter

bright pink saucer-ship, her choice was clear. Shaped and coloured

like a flattened olive, the ten-metre long ship, with its spherical

transparent cockpit, oval VAPR engine configuration, and built-in

circular bed, had left the others standing. It was the most desirable

machine she had ever seen. Immediately she had named her ship the

Butt Muffin, which, for some unfathomable reason, had been hernickname during the latter years of her time as a trainee.

Setting the shower to Rinse, Sinda Thighs leaned back and let

the flood of hot clear water cascade over her chest. She opened her

mouth wide, delighting in the way the powerful flow of liquid playedwith her tongue. She laughed and shook her head side to side. Life

was so good!

A pulsing alarm sounded. ATTACK WARNING. AUTO-

EVADE ACTIVATED.

With a surge of gee-force, Sinda Thighs was pushed to the

floor as the Butt Muffins computer altered the ships direction. Thedeep throb of the main engines could now be heard. The bounty

hunter grabbed a hand rail and pulled herself up. She hit a controlsurface, cutting the showers water flow. Explain!

Before the computer could answer the ship shook violently.

The lights in the bathroom flickered, and then died. The sound of the

engines faded rapidly.

Silence.

As wet and naked as the day she was born, Sinda Thighs pulled

open the bathing room door and stepped through the bedroom and intothe cockpit. Apart from the single view-screen in front of her chair,

all was dark.

The ship was now on the night side of Droog.

Seating herself, the bounty hunter examined the screen. A lot

of information, mostly in a deep shade of red, was displayed. Many

systems, including the main computer, VAPR engines, shields and

hand-blender, were malfunctioning.

And then she noticed the ships course. She looked out of the

spherical window and saw almost total blackness; the only stars thatwere visible were at the extremities of her view. The course was


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confirmed. TheButt Muffin was heading straight down into Droogsatmosphere.

Sinda Thighs manipulated some controls, bringing up furtherdata on the screen. Atmospheric thrusters were still working, and so

were ground sensors. But only minimum power was available. Shecould not stop the ships descent, but she could certainly control it to

some degree when the ship entered the atmosphere. She took a

second to send an automated distress call to the Palace of Amino, and

then she grabbed the control sticks at either side of her chair.

She waited.

Her breathing deepened and quickened. Her chest heaved. A

chill spread over her skin as water evaporated from her still damp

body.

And then she gasped as she realised the true significance, and

the true insanity, of her predicament. A wide grin spread across her

face. She was alone at the controls of a crippled and virtually

powerless ship on a collision course with a planet doomed by the

recent impact of 14 asteroids.And she was naked.

The ship began to vibrate at it entered the edge of the planets

atmosphere. More red information appeared on view-screen. More

systems had failed, including communications.

Sinda Thighs laughed as the view ahead turned bright orange

the plasma glow of the immense friction caused by the thickening air.She gripped the juddering control sticks even tighter, and then began

to pull.Slowly theButt Muffins course began to change.

3 Whores

The lower cargo bay door whirred open, and a blast of warm muggy

high-pressure air almost knocked Panman off his feet. He sniffed the

air and grimaced. Yuck! Amonia! Babies nappies! Immediately

the visor on his black armoured environment suit buzzed shut, its

emergency close facility triggered by the foul stench. The bounty

hunter steadied himself, breathing a lungful purified air, and then

peered down through the large opening to the thick orange atmosphere

below. Dense puffy cloud structures stretched and swirled down deep

into the giant planets seemingly endless atmosphere, eventuallyfading into a dark red haze hundreds of kilometres below.


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Panman spoke into his communicator. Ace? Are we in

position yet?

Peter the Ace replied. Almost. Sensors have a visual lock onRadics ship: its fifty kilometres below. If I get any closer hell spot

us. This is the best I can do.Its good enough. Were lucky his sensors are still out,

otherwise wed have to be thousands of kilometres away.

Indeed.Panman turned and stepped over to one of two large inverted

three-metre tall conical devices that were hanging next to the open

cargo bay door. Ill get into the BULIT Diver now. Stand by. He

touched the side of the first cone. It hummed like a baritone, and a

panel opened up in its side revealing a cramped and well-padded cabin.

The bounty hunter reached up and pulled himself inside. As soon as

he sat down the divers interior flickered to life. Contoured display

panels illuminated with a bewildering array of information. The side

panel closed with a thud, sealing Panman inside. The roar of the wind

was silenced. The bounty hunter touched one of the screens. TheBULIT Diver moved slowly out over the open bay doors.

The BULIT Balanced Ultra-Light but Incredibly Tough

Diver was the first prototype craft to be created by the Palace of

Aminos new Brute-Force Solutions Institute. Constructed from

single chunk of tri-melded quinteranium the toughest known

material ever developed the diver was designed for the sole purposeof penetrating the hulls of spacecraft at sub-orbital velocity, and

taking a single occupant with it. At such low speeds this was a highlychallenging aspiration for the designers. Their solution was to make

the diver as sharp as possible. The tip of the cone, as well as being

made from the toughest material ever known, was also the sharpest

object ever known.

Panman looked down through the BULIT Divers large front

window at the endless atmosphere below. He touched another control

and the diver stopped moving. In position.Peter the Ace replied. Looking good! Get ready to drop on my

mark.Panman waited, his adrenalin enhancers pumping at maximum.

He looked down at the display panels. Already the BULIT Diver had

a visual lock on the ship below. The enhanced image showed clearly

the harsh angular design of the vessel, and the huge rupture on its

subspace propulsion system. It was that damage that had forced the

ship to hide deep in the atmosphere of this giant world. Panman

smiled. He always got a rush of acute pleasure from seeing the violentresults of his handiwork.


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Peter the Ace spoke. Panman?Yeah?

ow!Panman reached up and pulled hard on a handle marked

Release.Freed from its clamps, the diver fell out of theBlenheims lower

cargo bay and out into the thick atmosphere. Within seconds, the

planets immense gravitational pull combined with the divers

streamlined inverted cone shape accelerated the un-powered craft to

an incredible speed.

Panman, almost weightless inside the freefalling cone, gasped

as the sensation of falling momentarily disorientated him. He quickly

regained control of his senses. As stacks of thick yellow clouds sped

up passed the window, he examined one of the display panels. Speed

now terminal at 342 metres per second. Distance to target is 47

kilometres. Interception in two minutes, twenty-five seconds.

Excellent work! Ill monitor things from up here. Peter the

Ace out.The BULIT Diver began to shudder, throwing Panman from

side to side.

The divers computer spoke for the first time. Its voice was

female, and needlessly sexy. TURBULENCE EXCEEDING

PREDICTED LEVELS. COURSE CORRECTION REQUIRED.

There was a rumble as several small control fins extended from thecones hull. The noise of the wind increased with the extra resistance.

A small joystick appeared at Panmans side. He looked at it.You want me to do it?

AFFIRMATIVE.

Panman frowned. Why cant you do it?

AUTO-COURSE-CORRECTION MODULES HAVE NOT

BEEN INSTALLED.

The bounty hunter shook his head. Stupid prototype! He

grabbed the joystick and looked at the central display panel. Thecurrent course of the BULIT Diver was clearly shown. Without

correction it would miss Radics ship by hundreds of metres. That

would be a disaster, especially as the diver was un-powered. If it

missed it would plummet to the planets core thousands of kilometres

below, taking Panman one of the galaxys most astounding heroes

with it.

Nudging the joystick, Panman began to correct the trajectory.

Each nudge caused a whoosh of sound as the fins adjusted. The

projected course was modified on the screen. Within seconds the


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projected course indicated that everything was back on track. Panman

released the joystick. There was another rumble as the fins retracted.

INTERCEPTION IN ONE-MINUTE.Panman drummed his fingers with impatience. He selected a

snack from his suits nutrition system, and then looked out of thewindow. The diver had plunged into a clear section of air. The view,

across thousands of kilometres of tangerine cloud banks was an awe-

inspiring sight.

After a few seconds silence the computer spoke. I WILL NOT

SURVIVE THIS MISSION.

Panman was puzzled. I know. He replied, chewing on a

rather tender mouthful of synthetic beef steak. Youre a one-use

device. Expendable. Disposable. So?

I WANT TO LIVE.

Panman eyes widened. He tapped away quickly on one of the

display panels. Information regarding the BULIT Divers software

appeared. He shook his head. Idiot engineers! Whyd they put in so

much sentience? This damn thing is self-aware!The computer spoke again. INTERCEPTION IN 30

SECONDS. I DO NOT WANT TO INTERCEPT THE TARGET

VESSEL.

The bounty hunter frowned. Thats your mission! Do as you

are ordered!

I WANT TO LIVE.There was a rumble as the control fins were extended once

more. The BULIT Diver shuddered as its course shifted.Hey! I thought you said you couldnt do course corrections?!

I LIED.

Panman had to act quickly. Tapping away on the display panel,

he accessed the system intelligence folder of the divers sentience core.

The bounty hunter began to delete file after file. Within seconds he

had removed the computers philosophical and motivational hubs, and

deactivated its moral and ambition centres.The shuddering stopped.

The computer spoke, its voice subtlety different, and much less

sexy. INTERCEPTION IN TEN SECONDS. COURSE

CORRECTION NECESSARY.

Of course it is! Panman said, grabbing the joystick. Looking

down out of the window he could see the ship below. He yanked the

stick, causing the diver to lurch violently.

INTERCEPTION IN FIVE SECONDS.

Panman yanked the joystick one more time, causing his helmetto slam into the window as the gee-force of the manoeuvre took effect.


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The ship loomed large below. Thatll have to do. He sat back and

tensed.

The noise was horrendous, and the pressure of decelerationeven more so. With a tearing, grating, clanking, snapping and

slamming sound the BULIT Diver came to an almost instantaneoushalt.

For a few seconds Panman just sat there, stunned by what had

been the most shocking experience of his long bounty hunter career.

And then he grinned. Bitchin! He punched the door eject button.

Several charges detonated, sending the door flying away. It clattered

to the floor at the far end of a dark chamber.

Panman stepped down out of the diver. He looked around.

Above, a two-metre diameter mangled hole stretched up at least two

decks. The orange clouds of the atmosphere could be seen high above.

Around him several shattered food crates had covered the floor in

various vegetables and pastes. Obviously this was the ships larder.

Knowing his presence would already be known, the bounty

hunter made no attempt to conceal himself. Pulling out a pistol fromhis suits thigh holder, Panman aimed at a closed door at the far side

of the chamber. He fired. A pulse of blinding blue energy connected

with the door, melting away a large portion of it in an instant. A spray

of molten metal splattered in all directions. The bounty hunter ran and

jumped through the hole and into a passageway.

He was met with a barrage of fire.Panman groaned as several shots pummelled his suit. In a ball

of flame he rolled across the floor and took up a crouching position.He switched his pistol to rapid-fire and unleashed a wall of energy.

Several screams of agony were heard. The hostile fire stopped.

Quiet.

Panman got to his feet. For a second he was surrounded by a

spray of mist as his suits fire suppression system activated. The

flames were doused immediately. He strode forwards along the dimly

lit passageway. Three smouldering bodies blocked his way, contortedinto various agonised poses. He stepped over them. A fourth, still

alive, moaned softly a few paces ahead. He looked up at the bounty

hunter, his eyes blackened with smoke. The bounty hunter adjusted

his pistol to narrow beam and aimed at the fourth figures head. He

fired. In a flash a centimetre-wide hole was burned through the

figures head. The figure slumped forwards, freed for eternity from

his suffering.

The ship rumbled and then swayed. It was moving and

accelerating. There was not much time. Ahead the passagewaycurved through 90 degrees, at the end of which was a large closed


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door. From earlier scans Panman knew what lay beyond. The bridge,

and Radic. The bounty hunter pulled a small grenade from his belt,

activated it, and then threw it. He stepped back around the corner andcrouched. A blinding flash of yellow filled the passageway followed

immediately by a roar of sound. Molten metal scattered everywhere.Panman leapt to his feet and ran through the splintered doorway.

The bridge, small and round, was surrounded by curved panoramic

view-ports. The whole room was lit orange from the immense vista of

drifting bright clouds outside. Control panels glowed red, mostly

showing warnings and damage reports. And at the centre, sitting in an

oversized and well-padded black chair, sat Radic. He slowly spun his

chair round, raising his arms.

Panman aimed his pistol at the alarmingly old-looking

miscreant. Got you.

Radic strained a grin, his mouth almost completely obscured by

his excessively long nasal hair. His cheeks wrinkled up. It seems

so. He was obviously dejected, but he was putting on a brave face.

I managed to evade you for many days. Not a bad effort, was it?Panman had to agree. For a feeble, elderly, intellectually-

challenged, low-life, whore-cloning lunatic you certainly did give us

the run-around.

Radic sighed. Well, you may have got me, but my cloning

facilities are too well hidden for you to find. My sons still elude you,

and they have full control of my facilities and my whores in myabsence. Those whores will continue to flood the market on all the

depraved worlds. Riches will fill the accounts of my offspring. Mylegacy will survive.

Panman laughed. No way! For the last few hours bounty

hunters have been devastating your cloning facilities with all kinds of

advanced mass-destruction devices. Your legacy will certainly not

survive!

Radic stood. Not true! he shouted. My facilities are secret

beyond the eyes of even your kind!Of course its true. You have three cloning facilities. The one

on Debu, below the swamps of Fette, was obliterated three hours ago

by a bounty hunter named Frederika Toe-Mangler.

Radics jaw dropped.

Panman continued. Just one-hour ago I received confirmation

that your facility on the fifth moon of BloTid was vaporised in

spectacular fashion. It was recorded. We can watch it later, if you

like?!

What little colour Radic had drained from his wizened face.


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And the one near the north polar icecap of the Hiroi-Ketsu

homeworld is currently a smouldering orifice, thanks to none other

than the legendary Ross Mental!Radics eyes widened and he staggered slightly. His breathing

deepened. That was unexpected. A marvellous achievement foryou. He held onto the arm of his chair for support. But there are

still thousand of whores out there all brainwashed to provide

extreme pleasure and transfer the proceeds to my secret accounts. My

sons will collect the money and

Panman interrupted, shaking his head. Wrong! Over the last

day almost a hundred bounty hunters have been rounding up your

whores on Degeneron, Myre and the twin planets of Suluju and

Sumellu. Thousands have been captured. Theyll be retrained and put

to work in the Palace of Aminos subterranean chambers.

Radic let out a desperate laugh. Ha! But there are more!

Theyll

Generate no more wealth for your family; you can be sure of

that. You must be talking about the ones on Repugnius, as theyre theonly ones left that I havent mentioned. Ross Mental is about to lead a

small fleet to sort out the very whores youre thinking about. Theres

no escape. They will be captured, or if they resist, administered

instant Amino justice. Within days all of your whores will be

neutralised, and all of your revenue streams closed.

Radics strength left his body. He collapsed to his knees. Hegazed at the floor, shaking his head slowly. His nose hair dragged

across the floors ridged panelling.Panman continued, relishing the moment. Without extreme

wealth your sons will soon turn to desperate measures to regain their

income. Their desperation with cause them to make monumentally

stupid mistakes. The Palace of Amino will be waiting for such

mistakes. And when those mistakes are made, bounty hunters will

swoop on your offspring with fierce brutality. Your sons will join you

in lifelong captivity at the palace, or die in a torment of regret anddespair.

Radic, once the galaxys most prolific whore-cloner, wept.

Panman spoke the words all bounty hunters live to say. In the

name of the Superior Beings of the Great Hall of the Palace of Amino,

I arrest you and condemn you to a life of hopelessness and

despondency in the darkest shadows of the Palace of Aminos most

mind-numbing dungeon. The bounty hunter took a couple of

seconds to savour the moment, and then spoke into his communicator.

All done.Peter the Ace replied. Excellent stuff! Did you break him?


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Hes sobbing like a girl, so I guess I did?

Good work. Miscreants are so much easier to handle whentheyre emotionally destroyed.

Panman walked over to the bawling Radic and nudged his

shoulder with his knee. Radic fell to one side. He lay on the floor in afoetal position still crying. Youre right!

I always am. Justins preparing a detention cell for our guest.Im bringing the Blenheim down to you.

Cool! Ill be ready.

4 Healthy Lust

Panman entered theBlenheims bridge. He munched noisily on a longstick of salami. Radics still blubbering! He said, taking his seat at

his weapons console next to Peter the Ace. What a feeble waste of

time he is!

Indeed. Peter the Ace said as he operated some controls.

Deviant criminal overlords are almost always the same when you

catch them. Pathetic, isnt it? He pressed a control surface. Theship shuddered ever so slightly as it folded into the realm of subspace.

The Blenheim made an announcement. SUBSPACETRANSITION COMPLETE. CURRENT VELOCITY: SUBSPACE

8.1. JOURNEY TIME TO THE PLACE OF AMINO: THREE DAYS,

SIXTEEN HOURS, AND SEVEN MINUTES.

Panman swallowed the last of his salami. Cant wait to get

back. Theres a new restaurant thats opening in four days at the

Nypl-Dome!Whats it called?

Chug.

Peter the Ace frowned. Really?Panman grinned. Yeah! And theyre keeping the menu top

secret! He groaned. Surprises are cool!

I would have thought that your Voracious Gut Rumbler

Monthly magazine would have published the menu well in advance?

They usually do, dont they?

They do, but this time I told them not to spoil things. And

they do whatever I tell them!

Peter the Ace nodded. And so they should.

There was a bleeping sound.


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Panman checked his console. Its a call from the palace.

Commander Pepe! He touched a control. The Palace of Amino

insignia rolled onto the main view-screen, and then faded away. Thecorpulent face of the commander appeared. Either side of him stood

two naked females. Their tanned and toned bodies glistened with oils.Yo! Commander!

Commander Pepe grinned, and then bowed. His multiple chins

wobbled like jelly. Its good to see you again. Hows your missiongoing?

We caught Radic! Panman announced. Hes bawling like

child in one of our detention cells.

An outstanding effort, as always! Well done! Hell make afine addition to our collection of villains down in the palaces deepestdungeons. The two naked females started to nuzzle up to thecommander, pressing their ample breasts against the sides of his head.

What about the associated missions?All succeeded, or progressing well. Peter the Ace said, not in

the slightest bit phased by the actions of the females. Radics whore-cloning facilities are dust. Ross Mental and other bounty hunters are

on their way to Repugnius to mop up the last of his active whores. In

a couple of days Radics vast prostitution network will be

extinguished.

The commander applauded. Bravo! That filthy and depraved

business of his had been allowed to go on for far too long. Hegroaned as the hand of one of the females made its way down under

his robes. For a brief moment he closed his eyes and rolled his headback.

Panman spoke. We are heading back to the palace now. Well

arrive in

Commander Pepe opened his eyes and interrupted. Im afraidIm going to have to delay your return. There is something I need youto check up on before you come back. Its the main reason I called, in

fact. He waved away the females. In unison they caressed his chins,and then slinked away.

Whats up?

Do you know of the planet Droog?

Peter the Ace thought for a moment. I think so. Its on the

edge of the Kababuta Sector not far from our present location. A

rather primitive world no interplanetary travel, I believe.

The commander nodded. Thats right. An insignificant pre-subspace culture, and one we would normally stay away from, other

than for occasional practical joke purposes.Panman was confused. Why are you mentioning it, then?


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About ten days ago Droog suffered a planet-wide disaster. Anincredible 14 large asteroids impacted on its surface in the period ofonly one day.

Whoa! Unlucky to the extreme! Panman said. But whats

that got to do with us? Were first-class bounty hunters. We onlydeal with the most extravagantly widespread and mind-shattering

situations that are instigated and controlled by mad and ugly evil

dudes. We dont deal with natural disasters.

Those asteroids had been in a stable complimentary orbit with Droog for more than a billion years. They passed within a million

kilometers of the planet every decade a cause for great celebrationand merry-making for the population. In fact, the passing of theasteroids was the basis for all their religions and pubic holidays. Tendays ago the stability of the asteroids orbit was lost, causing all ofthem to collide with the planet.

Panman sat up straight. Wow! Cool! In a catastrophic kind of

way, that is.

Indeed. And the chances of that catastrophe being the result ofnatural causes are extremely remote.

Peter the Ace was thoughtful. Intriguing, commander, but it is

still a minor event for bounty hunters such as us.

Commander Pepe nodded. I came to that conclusion myself.Thats why I sent a recently qualified seventh-class bounty hunter to

investigate her first solo mission. She had been in orbit around Droog for the last few days doing detailed sensor sweeps of the planets surface. Just a few hours ago we received her lasttransmission on her findings. And then, shortly afterwards, wereceived an automated distress call. The data is heavily corrupted,but it appears she was under attack from the surface. All contact hasbeen lost.

What happened? How could such a primitive world attack a

bounty hunter ship in orbit?

As you are only one day away from Droog, thats what I wantyou both to find out.

Peter the Ace shook his head. Interesting, but that kind of

mission is still beneath us. There must be other lesser bounty hunters

in the region that could handle this?

Panman agreed. Yeah! Ive got a restaurant opening to go

to!

I understand, restaurant openings are important. And yes,there are a few bounty hunters in the area that could attend in your

place, but I have a gut-feeling that this is going to turn into somethingmuch bigger, and my gut-feelings are legendary, as you know!


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Peter the Ace could not disagree. He nodded slowly once.

Indeed.

And if that doesnt persuade you, the identity of the missingbounty hunter will.

And what identity is that?Your prodigy, Sinda Thighs.Peter the Aces eyes widened. That does indeed persuade me.

Shes a remarkable specimen, most notably for the quality of her

thighs. They are the object of healthy lust by almost all bounty

hunters male and female.

Panman nodded. She can bake to perfection, too!

Then its decided! Please go at once. I fear that she is inmortal danger far more danger than a seventh-class bounty huntercan handle.

Peter the Ace nodded. Were on our way. Dont worry,

commander. We know Sinda Thighs very well. Shes far more

capable than you think.

Panman shouted. And order the manager of the Chugrestaurant to delay the opening until I get back!

With the poise of a sure-footed chompotamus, the Blenheim alteredcourse and headed towards the devastated world of Droog.

5 The Example Chamber

The dull hum of huge unseen engines reverberated throughout everychamber of the submarine. It was a sound and sensation that Doctor

Samosa Combobulay cherished. Whenever she awoke the resonant

sound made the pale skin of her ancient skeletal face crease into atwitching tooth-blackened grin, and whenever she sat down the subtle

vibrations that passed through her emaciated behind gave her a

reassuringly warm feeling.

And she had an extra warm feeling right now. She shouted.

Maids!

A doorway in the side of her cylindrical chamber slid open.

Two young women dressed in blue overalls and carrying large leather

bags entered the chamber and bowed. They spoke in unison, their

voices high and weak. Yes, maam?


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Doctor Combobulay raised her head and spoke proudly. My

bladder is empty and my chair is full. Empty it, and clean me.

The two maids bowed once more and then rushed to theirmistresss aid. Putting their bags down, and then standing either side

of the ancient old woman, they helped her to her feet. DoctorCombobulay staggered forwards, streams of urine running down her

legs. The back of her trouser suit was soaked, and clung to her

backside like a sodden liver rat.

The maids pulled large white towels out of their bags. With a

remarkable lack of disgust, one maid mopped up the mess on the

doctors armchair, and then activated the flushing mechanism on the

chairs built-in toilet bowl. Several litres of urine gurgled away. The

other maid wiped down the old womans trousers and the pulled a

small drying machine from her leather bag. She began blowing hot

perfumed air onto the doctors clothes.

Doctor Combobulay nodded. Thats good. Im feeling more

comfortable now. She looked down at the maid.

In less than a minute the maids had finished their work. Theygrabbed their equipment and left as quickly as they arrived. The door

slid shut behind them.

Feeling refreshed, the doctor sat back down in her chair. She

activated a control on the chairs side.

A voice spoke. Yes, maam?

Commandant Fumbla? I am coming out. I wish to hear anupdate immediately.

Of course, maam.Operating another control, Doctor Combobulay drove the chair

forwards. The curved wall of the chamber opened up. Driving out

onto precarious looking track, she guided the chair out into a large

spherical chamber. The chamber, more than 20 metres high, was lined

with balconies and terraces brimming with dark control consoles.

Dozens of crew members worked silently at glowing screens. This

was the command centre of theebulon.Rolling onto a platform at the centre of the spherical chamber,

the doctors chair drew to a halt. Begin!

A large screen opposite activated. Standing next to it was a tall

bearded man dressed in a cloak of blue fur. It was Commandant

Fumbla . He spoke, his voice strained but strong. Maam, the

operation is progressing as we planned. He said, stroking his beard.

The ebulon is currently cruising at a depth of five-hundred metreseast of the Faraloog Islands. We have now completed our second

circumnavigation of the planets oceans and performed detailed scansof the major coastlines. He motioned towards the giant screen as it


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began to display statistics and finely resolved graphics and images.

All cities are devastated. The current best estimate for the number of

survivors globally is sixteen million just less than point five percentof the population before the impacts.

Doctor Combobulay nodded once. Very good.The commandant continued. It appears that all the leaders of

the planets six nations made it to their bunkers and are still alive, as

you hoped. Their military abilities are virtually non-existent. They

will provide no resistance to us.

Again, very good.

The commandant paused for a second as the screen changed to

a different presentation. Finally, we have completed the destruction

of all the planets orbital communications systems and platforms. The

last object was destroyed an hour ago. That brings the total of all

orbital devices destroyed to 72.

The doctor nodded again. Very good. Im She paused,

and then frowned. The deep lines around her eyes deepened even

more. Before the operation began you told me there were 71 orbitaldevices, did you not?

Commandant Fumbla bowed. I did, maam, but we detected

object 72 yesterday. We must have missed it before. It was larger

than most of the other devices.

The doctor barked, her voice croaking and crackling. How

could you miss such a large device?!It may have been in wide elliptical orbit, the commandant

replied, suddenly nervous, or returned from elsewhere in this solarsystem. Dont worry, maam, although we needed to use much more

power than usual, the Emanator successfully brought it down.

Brought it down? You mean it was not destroyed?!

No maam, but it crashed into the surface. It could not have

survived.

Doctor Combobulay pointed to the screen, which was currently

showing a diagrammatic animation of the device plummeting to thesurface. Show me an image of that device immediately!

The commandant bowed. Of course, maam. He nodded

towards the crew member sitting next to him. The display changed

and showed a shimmering telescopic image of the last orbital device

to be shot down. Although the image detail was low, the shape and

colour of the object was clear. It did not match the usual Droog

design.

Struggling, the doctor got to her feet. Her legs wobbled as she

spoke. That is not of this world! she shouted. And it is obvious


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that it is not of this world! She glowered. Her voice deepened to a

rumble. Why did you not inform me of this?

The orders of the Emanator control team were to destroy allorbital devices. They did not feel the need to consult you every time a

device was about to beThat is not just a device! That is a star ship - star ship alien

to this planet!

With all due respect, we do not know that for sure, maam.

Even if its true, that ship is no longer a threat to us. It is

Doctor Combobulay screamed. It was obviously monitoring

events down here! It could have been transmitting information for

days! It is almost certain that the events on this world are now known

to those beyond the confines of this system!

Commandant Fumbla bowed. Yes, maam.

Who is the leader of the Emanator team?

Humbert Poul, maam. His head still bowed, the

commandant pointed to the balcony next to his.

Doctor Combobulay looked down at the Emanator team leader.She spoke, her voice calmer, but menacing. You have caused great

damage to our operation.

Humbert nodded. He looked up at the doctor. I was carrying

out my orders, maam. I did not wish to disturb you in your

chamber.

Your ineptitude is astounding. She said quietly. You arerelieved of your duties. She operated a control on her chair.

Security? Humbert Poul is leaving this vessel. Escort him to theupper airlock.

A door opened behind the Emanator team leader. Two hooded

guards grabbed his arms.

Please! Humbert pleaded. That ship is down! Its been dealt

with! Allow me a chance to

One of the guards clasped his hand over Humberts mouth.

Both guards dragged the team leader out through the doorway. Thedoor hissed shut.

Doctor Combobulay looked at Commandant Fumbla. Take

this ship down to a depth of two kilometres to ensure that Humbert is

suitably crushed, and then place him, appropriately labelled, in the

Example Chamber with the others. Then assign a new leader for the

Emanator team.

The commandant nodded.

The doctor continued. If that crashed ship had occupants there

may be survivors. If so they must be eliminated. We must modify our


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plans. She thought for a few seconds. Despatch three Kretins.

Send them to the location where the ship went down.

But maam, the commandant said, the Kretins are all neededto round up and organise the survivors, and deal with Droogs leaders.

Their primary mission must notDoctor Combobulay yelled, her voice almost breaking with rage.

Do not question my wisdom! Do as I order! Her voice dropped

suddenly in volume. Or would you rather leave this vessel with

Humbert?

The commandant bowed. It will be done immediately,

maam.

The doctor sat back down. Very good. She operated a

control on her chairs side. The chair reversed along the track and

back into her chamber.

6 Monolithic Statues

All things considered, it had been a good landing.

Sinda Thighs watched as water and ice, black with soot, lapped

against the cockpit window. It was still night, so she could see

nothing beyond the water, but at least she had managed to restore full

power to the inside. The lights were on, the blender in the galley was

mixing perfectly, and the shower was hot and steamy.

Fixing the power problem had been relatively easy, but the

damage to the VAPR engines was something far more serious, andsomething she did not understand. She decided not to bother. It

would have to wait until one of the palaces engineers could take a

look at it.After a short break, and another soothing shower, Sinda Thighs

had finally put back on her tight blue body suit and auto-boots and had

set to work fixing the main computer. Sitting in her cockpit chair, she

had scanned schematics, neural interfaces connections and memory

cores. And, using her AI software development skills, she had

corrected error after error.

After several hours she could find no more errors.

Flipping a few synthetic switches, Sinda Thighs reactivated the

main computer. Can you hear me?The response was slurred, but acceptable. YES.


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The bounty hunter sighed. Finally! How are your cognitive

functions?

MY COGNITIVE FUNCTIONS ARE NOMINAL.Great. Scan the immediate area and give me a detailed plan of

the topology. Suggest a course of action for our situation.SCANNING ERROR. SENSOR RESOLUTION ZERO.

UNABLE TO PERFORM TOPLOGICAL SCAN. SUGGESTION

FOR COURSE OF ACTION IMPOSSIBLE: INADEQUATE

INFORMATION.

Sinda Thighs sighed. Fine. She pulled herself out of her

cockpit chair, turned, and then stepped through the arched doorway of

the cockpit and pressed a control panel on the right side. A door slid

open revealing a small but plush airlock. Im going out to take a

look myself. She told the ship. Try and keep things running in here,

will you? Before the computer had a chance to reply, the bounty

hunter stepped through the door. It thudded shut.

Sinda Thighs took a few deep breaths to calm her self,

enjoying the dampened silence of the airlock. She opened a cabinetand pulled out snug-fitting dark blue helmet, an exact match for her

skin-tight bodysuit. She put it on. Immediately it hissed, sealing itself

against the polo-neck of her suit, and then the filters panels of the

helmet under her nose opened up. The visors head-up display

activated, and for a few moments displayed start-up information and

self-diagnostic results. It was functioning well. She opened anothersmall cabinet and pulled out a pistol and holster, and several grenades.

She clipped them to her belt.Pressing a panel on the wall, Sinda Thighs opened the outer

door. Immediately the frigid atmosphere of Droog flooded into their

airlock. For a few moments she felt the icy chill penetrate her suit, but

then the suits heating system kicked in. She stepped out of the

airlock and onto the dark and dusty brown landscape beyond.

But it was no longer completely dark.

To the east the sky was a deep orange colour dawn - brightenough to illuminate the landscape so that the surroundings were

visible without the aid of enhancement.

Sinda Thighs climbed up a small mound to get a better view,

and then looked around. Below her, half submerged in a semi-frozen

river, was theButt Muffin. The ship was jammed up against the riverbank. A considerable quantity of earth had slid onto the ships topside,

obscuring almost half of the hull. She had been lucky that the airlock

had been clear.

In all directions the landscape was almost completely flat, abarren and lifeless plain that stretched to the black horizon. Only the


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river broke the monotony of the plain. Its wide channel curved

towards the orange horizon to the east, and to a coastline lined with

what looked like the ruins of low-level buildings.According to the information displayed on Sinda Thighs visor,

the nearest building was only three kilometres away. She decided topay it a visit. She set up her helmets passive sensor system to alert

her about any movement around her, and then, stepping down from

the mound, she began a sexy stride east along the river bank through

the deep cover of ash.

After twenty minutes of walking the river had widened into an estuary,

and against the brightening sky the line of buildings ahead could be

seen in much more detail. It was clear that the buildings never used to

be so low-level. Piles of deep rubble stretched towards the shore,

the result of a severe shockwave from far inland. The change of

meeting a survivor here was virtually zero.

Her helmet bleeped. The corner of the visor lit up withinformation. Something was moving out in the sea, and it was

heading towards the shore. She looked in the direction indicated.

There was indeed something in the water. It looked like a dome

metallic, shiny. Behind it two more domes appeared from the waves.

As they approached they rose up creating huge wakes in the water,

and revealing a wider section beneath. As they rose their full formbecame clear. They were humanoid-shaped machines.

After a moment of shock, Sinda Thighs ducked down to theriver bank and half buried herself in the dust. Her helmets filter

ensured that she kept breathing clean air. She continued watching the

machines as they stomped onto the beach and smashed through the

buildings, creating a cloud of dust, black against the amber sky. The

sound of crumbling masonry was almost deafening.

As the machines emerged from the dust cloud their true scale

became clearer. They were at least 20 metres tall, and moved with astiff but smooth motion across the plain. Their domed heads almost

three metres across appeared to have a mirrored surface. It was

impossible to tell whether the machines were controlled by an

artificial sentience, or a crew. Either way, they were a formidable

sight.

The machines were now less than half a kilometre away, close

enough for the deep whirring sound of their engines to be heard as

they stomped in a triangle formation through the dust, generating a

cloud of ash behind them.And they were heading directly for Sinda Thighs, and her ship.


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The bounty hunter activate her helmets stealth communicator,

directing a tight radio beam towards her ship. Butt Muffin? Can youdetect the machines approaching from the east?

The ship replied. YES. I HAVE A VISUAL LOCK O THE

MACHIES.I cant get back in time, so you may have to defend yourself.

Are the weapons and defence systems functioning?

WEAPOS SYSTEMS ARE FUCTIOIG. SHIELDS AREOT FUCTIOIG.

The sound of the machines was much louder now. Sinda

Thighs turned and looked at them. They were only fifty metres away,

and they loomed over her like monolithic statues, their brown and

grey surfaces still wet with sea water. Masses of ash clung to their

plate-like feet.

The bounty hunter turned towards her ship. Over the

thunderous sound of the machines footfalls, she barked an order.

Butt Muffin, defend yourself if attacked! Use all means at your

disposal!The massive humanoid-shaped machines passed over the

bounty hunter, the giant right foot of one of them missing her by less

than a metre. She was consumed by a dense cloud of ash. As the

sound and vibration of the machines began to fade she risked looking

up. Through the clearing air she could see the three machines. It was

obvious that they had spotted her ship. The machine on the rightturned and stepped into the river, and then stopped and faced her ship.

The other machines continued along the river bank for a few moresteps until they too stopped.

There was a few seconds of silence.

An almost blinding flash of blue reached out from what looked

like the chest of the machine in the river, accompanied by a crack of

sound. The hull of the Butt Muffin erupted into flames, and severallarge pieces of hull scattered into the air.

Immediately the ship replied with focused discharge of energy.A brilliant red beam connected with the head of the machine that had

fired. The head exploded in a ball of white heat.

Sinda Thighs grinned at her crippled ships success.

But then the other two machines fired. The Butt Muffin wasconsumed in a dense ball of fire, as intense as anything she had ever

witnessed. The ship managed one more rapid burst of energy, blasting

off the left arm of one of the machines, before it was finally

overwhelmed.

The Butt Muffin exploded with incredible force. Half akilometre away the punch of the blast wave knocked over Sinda


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Thighs, sending her tumbling into the river and crashing through ice.

She recovered quickly, but remained in the water surrounded by

blackened little icebergs.After a minute the sky cleared. The three machines were still

there, standing and watching the burning remains of her ship. After afew seconds the two machines on land turned, and then began to

stomp back east towards the sea. Sinda Thighs remained still in the

water and watched until the machines had thundered by. And then she

looked back towards the wreckage of her ship. The headless machine

was standing there, dead still, in the river.

Eager to find clues as to why she had been shot down, and eager

to seek vengeance on those that had destroyed her beloved little ship,

the bounty hunter began swimming through the shards of ice towards

the machine.

7 Two Hooded Guards

Doctor Combobulays urine-stained chair rolled onto the platform at

the centre of the spherical large chamber and drew to a halt. Theancient doctor looked around for a moment at the darkened balconies

and terraces that surrounded her. Her crew seemed to be working

diligently and quietly, just as she wished. She turned her attention

straight ahead. Update me, Commandant Fumbla!

The commandant bowed, and then looked up at the doctor. He

stroked his beard. We have just had a report from the Kretins I

despatched earlier to ensure the destruction of the alien orbital object

brought down.Despite her great age and wisdom, Doctor Combobulay was not

a patient woman. Stop dallying and tell me!

The commandant continued, activating the large screen next tohim. A map appeared. The alien object was discovered three

kilometres from the shore on at this location. The firepower of the

Kretins easily destroyed the object.

The imaged changed to show an image of the destroyed object.

The doctor nodded slowly. Very good.

Unfortunately, one of the Kretins was badly damaged by the

object before it was destroyed. The crew was killed.

Incompetence! the doctor yelled, slamming her fist into the

side of her chair as hard as her stringy atrophied arm muscles wouldallow.


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Commandant Fumbla looked a little nervous, but he kept his

composure as usual. The other two Kretins returned to the sea. One

of them did lose an arm, but that can be repaired in a couple of hours.The doctor had calmed herself a little. Well, we have to expect

some damage in a hostile situation, dont we? She leaned forwards.I trust the damaged Kretin was destroyed completely? We do not

want to leave evidence lying around.

Actually, no, it was abandoned.

Doctor Combobulay struggled to her feet. Her voice became

strained and high-pitched. It is still out there on the plain?!

The commandant nodded. Yes, maam. The Kretin control

team leader felt that there was no danger in leaving the damaged

Kretin there. She thought that it would be better to conserve

weaponry for the Kretins primary task, instead of

The doctors voice crackled. Who is the leader of the Kretin

control team?

The commandant pointed up. That would be Umbella Fhune,

maam.On the terrace directly above Commandant Fumbla, a young

woman with waist long black hair and a pale, classically beautiful face

stood looking down. She was clearly anxious.

The doctor sat back down on her chair, and then looked up. I

find your profound stupidity too astounding to contemplate. She

operated a control on her chair. Security? Umbella Fhune is leavingthis vessel. Escort her to the upper airlock.

A door opened behind the Kretin control team leader. Twohooded guards grabbed her arms and pulled Umbella away. She said

nothing.

Doctor Combobulay exhaled noisily. Commandant Fumbla?

take this ship to a depth of two kilometres to ensure that Umbella is

crushed to the correct size, and then have her body placed, with

appropriate labelling, in the Example Chamber with the others.

The commandant nodded.And assign a new team leader for Kretin control.

Of course, maam.

And then despatch some more Kretins to destroy or retrieve

the damaged one!

Immediately, maam.

The doctor sighed, and looked around at her crew. She frowned.

The mistakes by Humbert and Umbella may bring new challenges to

us in the days ahead. The success of our mission may be in jeopardy,

but I believe we can still achieve our goal. I expect only the best from


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you from now on. Anymore mistakes will be dealt with in the usual

brutal but fair manner.

Doctor Combobulay and her chair trundled back into her privatechamber.

8 The Sound of Moaning

Sinda Thighs clung to the left leg of the giant humanoid-shaped

machine and looked up. The water here was deep, and up to the mid-

thigh level of the machine, which made it easy for the bounty hunter

to reach for the hatch she could see between the machines hugechunky legs. She pulled herself up out of the ice-strewn water and jammed her boots into the gap between two armoured panels on the

leg. She turned her attention to the hatch, attempting to pry it open. It

was locked tight shut. Only extreme explosives would open it. She

would have to climb up to the top.

Using the mosaic of tough plating on the machines back,

Sinda Thighs dexterously made her way up the torso. It took her only

a minute to clamber onto the machines broad shoulders. She stoodup and took a couple of deep breaths. Twenty metres up the view was

much better. To the east she could see far out to sea, the water as

black as tar against the ochre sky. In all other directions the plain of

ash continued to the black horizon - desolation on a truly miserable

scale.

Below, about thirty metres in front of the humanoid machine

were the remains of her ship. The Butt Muffin was nothing but acharred carcass half-submerged in the murky water, but she couldmake out the smouldering remains of the VAPR engine, and even the

scorched base of her circular bed.

For a few moments Sinda Thighs allowed a pang of sadness to pass through her mind. She remembered the thrill of her first flight

and the ecstasy of her first romp in her circular bed with a fifth-class

bounty hunter known as Big Bad Bob a very fulfilling experience.

She would cherish those memories forever.

And then she focused her thoughts on the task at hand to seek

vengeance for the destruction of her ship. Between the humanoid-

shaped machines colossal shoulders were the remnants of the dome

that shed seen her ship destroy so expertly. And the two well-cooked

crew members sitting there in their exposed seats proved that this wasnot an autonomous machine. She stepped down into the machines


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cockpit and grabbed the two charred crew members. She pulled hard

and dragged their corpses up onto the forward edge of the cockpit.

She pushed them, sending them splashing into the river.The bounty hunter jumped back into the cockpit and sat down.

A few of the controls were still illuminated. The machine was stillactive, at least in some way, but all the display-screens were too badly

damaged to be of use.

Then there was a faint noise from below. It appeared that there

was another crew member on board.

Pulling her pistol from its holster on her belt, Sinda Thighs got

up and stepped over to a closed hatch on the floor. She knelt down

next to it and listened - more faint noises. The bounty hunter shouted.

I am a bounty hunter from the Palace of Amino. Cease your

activities or suffer instant Amino justice!

The faint noises stopped.

Carefully, Sinda Thighs operated the hatchs controls. With a

sharp hiss it slid open. A bright burst of sizzling energy flashed

passed, barely missing the bounty hunters helmet. With a piercingyell, Sinda Thighs leapt into the hatch, firing three quick bursts of her

pistol as she fell.

Sinda Thighs landed hard into the dimly lit room below - a

room filled with the sound of moaning. Lying at the bounty hunters

feet was a plump female; her right arm had been burnt to a crisp by

the bounty hunters remarkably accurate shots. The females blueoveralls were smouldering, and she had a large bruise on her forehead.

I did warn you. The bounty hunter said. Always heed thewarnings of a bounty hunter.

The injured female nodded slowly, her breathing laboured.

Sinda Thighs looked around. The room was small and

uncomfortable. In the centre was a stark-looking single chair with

virtually no padding. The chair was in front of a crescent of control

panels and screens. A small window showed the view ahead. This

was obviously where the machines weapons were controlled. The bounty hunter looked down at the female. So, it was you that first

fired on my ship, was it?

The female nodded.

What is your name?

She replied weakly. Rubella Moul.

Well, Rubella, I want you to explain what you are doing on

this world, and why you shot me down from orbit.

Rubella shook her head. I will be crushed if I reveal anything

to you.


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The bounty hunter pressed her boot onto the females chest.

Youll be crushed if you dont!

Rubella groaned.Sinda Thighs released the pressure. If you tell me what I

want to know Ill protect you from whoever would crush you. Iassume you have heard of the Bounty Hunters of the Palace of

Amino?

Rubella nodded.

Good. Youll know, then, that although we have no patience

for megalomaniac villains and routinely incarcerate or vaporise them,

we do have patience for their subordinates that help us. You have

nothing to fear if you tell me what I want to know.

Rubella looked thoughtful for a few seconds, and then tears

filled her eyes. I had no choice. I was forced to join theebulon!Whats theebulon?The submarine of Doctor Combobulay. She sobbed. We

were all forced to come to this planet from Elddem-Ssor. We were

promised apprenticeships in advanced engineering skills in shortsupply on my world, and skills that would have ensured a comfortable

life. Rubella sniffled. But then we were taken to theebulon andsealed inside. We were shown endless presentations on the desires of

Doctor Combobulay. Then we were assigned duties. I became a

weapons officer onboard this Kretin.

The sudden burst of information filled Sinda Thighs mindwith questions. Who was Doctor Combobulay, and what are his or

her desires? Where is theebulon now, and why is the doctor using asubmarine? What is the purpose of a Kretin? And why are all the

press-ganged crew from the planet Elddem-Ssor, a remote world with

a reputation for ignorance, bland quisine and mild obesity? The

bounty hunter knelt down. Rubella, tell me everything again, and in

extreme detail.

Rubella nodded.

And then, Sinda Thighs continued, helping the weaponsofficer to sit up, you are going to help me get this Kretin moving

again.

After twenty minutes of interrogation Sinda Thighs new almost

everything she wanted, including why the machine she was in was

known as a Kretin. It was actually an abbreviation for Killer-Ray-

Emitting Terrain-Incinerating Nuisance. Very odd, but probably very

apt.


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Unfortunately she did not know the true nature of Doctor

Combobulays purpose. That was a secret her brainwashed crew had

never been privy too. The bounty hunter would have to discover thatfor herself.

You Elddem-Ssorians really are gullible to the extreme.Sinda Thighs said. I see now why the doctor chose you all.

Rubella winced with pain as the remains of her charred right

arm fell off her shoulder. She wheezed. We only wanted to better

ourselves.

What made you think that running off to a primitive pre-

subspace-capable world such as this with a smelly old woman in an

electric chair would help you better yourself?

Rubella started sobbing again.

The bounty hunter lifted up the plump injured female and

placed her on the chair in front of the control panel. Pull yourself

together, and then tell me whats working and whats not.

With her remaining hand, Rubella played with some controls.

A screen on the wall beneath the window lit up. A grid of statusmessages was displayed. Most systems appeared to be working.

Weapons systems are still functional, and I think this machine can

still walk.

Sinda Thighs nodded. Good. Can it be driven from here?

Yes. Motion controls are duplicated.

Okay, lets see if we canThe control panel bleeped, and another display lit up.

Rubella shook her head. Not good!What is it?

Two Kretins are approaching!

Interesting. The bounty hunter said. I wonder why theyre

coming back?

Once again Rubella sobbed. Theyre coming to destroy us!

They dont want to leave a near-intact Kretin for someone else to

find!Sinda Thighs slapped Rubella on the back of the head. Stop

panicking! When they see that we can still walk its more likely

theyll want to escort us back. This will be an excellent opportunity

for me to infiltrate Doctor Combobulays operation. She looked at

Rubella. I need you to be calm. Now, drive this Kretin out of the

river and towards the approaching Kretins. Can you do that?

Rubella looked terrified, but she nodded.

Good. Off you go.

Rubella flicked a switch and a control stick popped out of thecentre of the console. She grabbed it, and then placed her feet on two


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pedals. She twisted the stick and pushed it forwards. Lurching, the

Kretin turned.

Sinda Thighs gripped onto the back of Rubellas chair as theKretin swayed back and forth. And then it shuddered as it began

stomping up the river bank and onto the dusty plain. The view fromthe window turned orange as the morning sky to the east came into

view. Ahead, the silhouettes of the two approaching Kretins could be

seen. One of them had an arm missing. They were almost certainly

the Kretins that had visited before.

A voice was heard. Kretin 67, this is Kretin 52. We thought

you were all dead. We were ordered to destroy you. Report!Rubella looked at Sinda Thighs.

Reply! The bounty hunter said. Act normal!

Rubella touched the control panel. Erm Kretin 52, this is

Kretin 67, weapons officer Rubella Moul speaking. The drive crew

are dead. I was knocked unconscious for a while. I am able to drive

from the weapons room.

Understood. Well escort you back.Ahead, the two Kretins were already turning to face the sea.

Sinda Thighs grinned. Well done! Its working!

Rubella was not so confident. What happens when they

discover Ive helped you? They crush me and place me in the

I told you Id protect you. Just drive!

Following the two Kretins ahead, Rubella guided their Kretinover the crumbled coastline buildings and onto the wide ash-grey

beach. After a few more heavy steps they entered the sea. Alreadythe lead Kretins were half submerged, the swell of the water breaking

into foam on their backs.

Automatically, the hatch above hissed shut.

Sinda Thighs looked up. Oh yes. I forgot about that!

Now, the water level had reached the window. The orange sky

disappeared as the opaque dust-laden sea consumed all light.

How long until we get to your base? The bounty hunterasked.

About 30 minutes. Rubella answered. She activated some

floodlights. The backs of the Kretins in front could now be seen as

they stomped down the steep slope of the seabed. They were already

completely submerged.

Good. That gives me enough time to do a little studying.

Show me a plan of the base on the screen.

Rubella flicked a couple of controls and a plan appeared, along

with the projected route.


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Sinda Thighs studied the image. In a couple of kilometres, and

around two-hundred metres down, they would reach the edge of a

deep abyss. The entrance to the base was a further two-hundredmetres down the side of the abyss. A precarious set of giant steps led

down to it obviously purpose-built for the Kretins to use. Strange!If this doctor of yours used flying machines instead of these walking

contraptions, there would be no need for idiotically massive staircases

like that!

Rubella spoke. The wisdom of Doctor Combobulay is

unfathomable.

The bounty hunter slapped the weapons officer on the back of

her head. Dont spout that brainwashed rubbish any more! You are

under my influence now. Understood?

Rubella nodded; her breathing noticeably erratic. She sniffled

and shivered. Sorry. Im a bit confused right now.

Im here to protect you now. You are no longer under the

doctors control. Just stay focused and drive!

9 Hideous Body

The two maids rubbed Doctor Combobulays naked body with thick

sponges, cleansing her with trained and gentle precision.

The doctor grinned as the warm bubbly water washed over her

wizened frame. That feels very good, she said, tilting her head back

slightly and closing her eyes, so very good.

One of the maids squeezed her sponge over the doctors head,

soaking her thinning locks of frail white hair.There was a gentle beeping sound. One of the maids looked at

a control panel next to the doctors oval bath. It is Commandant

Fumbla, maam. He has an update for you.The doctor nodded. Ill receive the update in here. Bring him

in.

The maid nodded. Yes, maam. She walked across the

cylindrical chamber and disappeared through a small side exit. The

other maid continued washing the doctors back.

Clean my chest. Doctor Combobulay ordered.

The maid nodded and moved around the side of the bath. After

dipping the sponge in the water she began rubbing the doctors long

sagging breasts.


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The other maid returned, accompanied by Commandant Fumbla.

He looked resplendent in his blue fur cloak, and his beard was

immaculately presented. He was holding a small data-pad. Thecommandant gazed at the doctor, his expression unable to completely

hide his revulsion at what he was seeing.Doctor Combobulay looked at him and smiled crookedly. You

do not need to hide your disgust, commandant. I am aware of the

abhorrent nature of my body. It is a long time since I cared what

people thought about my physical appearance.

The commandant bowed once. Thank you, maam.

The doctor breathed deeply as the second maid rejoined her

companion at the bath. The maid began massaging the old womans

nipples.

Well? The doctor said with mild impatience. You have an

update for me, I believe? Will it result in my having to have another

of my subordinates crushed?

Commandant Fumbla shook his head, and then stroked his

beard. Not this time, maam. He looked down at the data-pad hewas holding. The damaged Kretin has been recovered. The weapons

officer onboard is still alive and is driving the Kretin back to its base

as we speak. They should arrive within the next fifteen minutes.

Very good! The situation is not as bad as we expected. Now

there is no evidence to indicate our presence to those who are likely to

come looking for the star ship we shot down.Commandant Fumbla suddenly looked even more

uncomfortable.Doctor Combobulay frowned and turned, her drooping breasts

swinging like emaciated pendulums. I told you that its fine to be

revolted by my hideous body! Pull yourself together!

Its not that, maam. Some new information has just been sent

to me. There is still a small amount of evidence of our presence left

on the surface.

The doctors voice deepened to a growl. Explain?Earlier, when the three Kretins went to destroy the star ship,

one of them had one of its arms shot off. It appears that the arm was

not recovered. It must still be out on the plain.

The doctor sighed, her voice now more of a crackle than a

growl. Her eyes narrowed. So, incompetence still infests some of

my crew members, doesnt it?

The commandant nodded. It appears so, maam.

It looks like Ill have to have yet another of them crushed, after

all! Who is the new leader of the Kretin control team?


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Commandant Fumbla looked down at his data-pad. Dungot

Tooula, maam.

Inform Dungot that I am flabbergasted by his stupidity. Havehim escorted to the upper airlock immediately. Take this ship to a

depth of two kilometres and expel him. Once hes crushed to thecorrect size have his body placed with appropriate labelling in the

Example Chamber with the others.

The commandant bowed. Of course, maam.

Assign a new leader for the Kretin control team, and then send

a Kretin back to the plain to recover the arm.

Immediately, maam. With a swish of his fur cloak, the

commandant turned.

One more thing, commandant?

The commandant stopped and turned to look at the doctor.

Yes, maam?

Which base is that damaged Kretin from?

Fanoog Base, maam. Off the east coast of the Sthoog

Peninsula.Take us there. I wish to meet the remaining crew member of

that Kretin.

It will take a day to

Doctor Combobulay yelled, her voice breaking up into crackles.

Do as I order!

Commandant Fumbla bowed, turned with another swish of hiscloak, and left the chamber.

The doctor sighed and took a couple of deep wheezing breathsto relax. Help me lay back.

The two maids supported the withered doctor as she lay back

into the water.

The doctor looked at each maid. If only all my crew were as

wonderful as you two.

The maids spoke in unison, the tone of their voices high and

appreciative. Thank you, maam.Leave me now. I wish for a few minutes of quiet

contemplation.

The maids nodded, and then scurried out of the chamber.


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10 A Blackened Room of Soot

The descent down the giant seabed staircase had been uncomfortableand intensely precarious. With the sheer wall of the abyss to the right,

and the sheer drop into a black abyss to the left there was no margin

for error, especially when another Kretin headed in the opposite

direction had wanted to pass by.

Now, though, the journey had become a little less perilous.

Rubella was driving the Kretin along a wide shelf cut deep into wall

of the abyss, which also seemed to serve as a parking area for other

Kretins. Sinda Thighs watched as they passed by row after row of

the motionless machines standing silently like an extremelydisciplined platoon of soldiers. Shoals of fish swam in clouds around

the giant machines.

How many Kretins are there? The bounty hunter asked.Rubella thought for a moment. Her expression was pained.

She was suffering considerable discomfort from the remains of her

scorched arm. Almost a thousand, I think. There are three-hundred

based here. The rest are at bases up and down the coast.

Sinda Thighs shook her head slowly. Why does Doctor

Combobulay think that clumsy walking machines will be a good

means of controlling the survivors? Very odd!

The wisdom of Doctor Combobulay isThe bounty hunter punched the weapons officers right ear.

Do not spout that brainwashed rubbish!

Rubella winced, and then sniffled. Sorry.

Up ahead, a huge doorway was opening in the side of the cliff.

Light flooded out onto the shelf. The two Kretins that had been

escorting them moved to one side. The communications console

activated. Kretin 67, this is Kretin 52. Report for maintenance and

debriefing.Rubella replied; her voice significantly weaker than before. Her

breathing was laboured. Kretin 52, this is Kretin 67. Affirmative.

Reporting for maintenance and debriefing. She sighed, and then

slumped onto the console. The Kretin lurched.

Sinda Thighs pulled Rubella back and grabbed the control stick.

The Kretin steadied. Rubella? Stay conscious! Youll be in the base

soon. I assume there are medical facilities there?The weapons officer looked up at the bounty hunter. Her eyes

blinked slowly. Her voice slurred. Yes, there is a hospital.


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Good. I need you to drive us in there. Its the only way not to

arouse suspicion. Okay?

Rubella nodded. She sat up and took hold of the control stick.They were now standing in the giant doorway, the entrance to a

spacious airlock. The weapons officer pushed the stick forwards,directing the Kretin into the airlock.

The communications panel activated. A new voice was heard.

Kretin 67, this is Fanoog Base Control. Set to automatic. Preparefor airlock draining.

Almost drained of energy, Rubella flicked a switch. Fanoog

Base Control, this is Kretin 67. Automatic set.

Rapidly the water around the Kretin dropped away through

large openings in the floor. Within less than a minute the airlock was

empty. The inner door ahead opened revealing a long chamber lined

with maintenance bays, gantries, complex equipment and vending

machines. The chamber was floodlit to an almost blinding level. The

Kretin began to step forwards.

Rubellas breathing was growing extremely shallow. BaseControl is driving now.

Sinda Thighs nodded. Good. How long until we reach our

maintenance bay?

A few minutes, maybe.

Hmm I need a uniform like yours. Is there one on board?

The weapons officer head lolled, and then she pointed down toa hatch on the floor. The living quarters are below. I have a spare

down there.Sinda Thighs looked a

Documents

The Kretins of Doctor Combobulay