The Herald Diary: Panda To Your Every Desire by Ken Smith

8/3/2019 The Herald Diary: Panda To Your Every Desire by Ken Smith

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the heralddiary


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the heralddiary

Panda o Your Every Desire

K n Sm

Black & wh i t e puBl i sh ing


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First published 2011by Black & White Publishing Ltd

29 Ocean Drive, Edinburgh EH6 6JL

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2 11 12 13 14

ISBN: 978 1 84502 358 4

Copyright Ken Smith 2011

Te right o Ken Smith to be identi ed as the authoro this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the

Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part o this publication may be reproduced,stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any orm, or by any means,

electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise,without permission in writing rom the publisher.

A CIP catalogue record or this book is available rom the British Library.

ypeset by Ellipsis Digital Limited, GlasgowPrinted and bound by MPG Books Ltd, Bodmin


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Con n s

Introduction vii1 o See Ourselves 12 he Little Darlings 113 From Shipyards o Call Centres 204 A airs O he Heart 305 Why Glasgow Loves Zombies 406 he Shopping Experience 547 Drinking In Moderation 678 Nostalgia 779 Pandamonium 90

10 Street-Li e 10211 On he Road 11012 Boats And Planes 12313 Politics 13214 Students 141

15 Gone But Not Forgotten 14716 School 15217 Holidays 16018 Its he Law 16519 he Fairer Sex 171

20 At he Church 17821 Sport 187


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Who could blame any Scot who parodied Rikki Fultons character, theRev. I.M. Jolly, and went around declaiming, Ahve had a helluva year?

I they werent worried about the economy, petrol prices shooting upor the disappearance o sunny summer weather, they couldnt even relyon the ootball to cheer them up.

So instead Scots did what they always do in times o trouble theycracked jokes about it.

Even better, they then sent the jokes, unny stories and da t encoun-ters to Te Herald newspapers Diary column or everyone to share.

We are indebted to the readers or doing so, and in return here arethe very best o the unny tales told, and amusing pictures snapped, oryour enjoyment.

We suspect that even the Rev. I.M. Jolly might have smiled a little i he had been given this book.

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1.to S Ou s v s

You dont always need haggis and whisky in front of you in order toquote Rabbie Burns. When Scots go abroad, or visitors come toScotland, it reminds us: O would some power the giftie gie us, tosee ourselves as others see us.

SCO ISH hospitality and riendliness is amous all over the world,we know that, and Willie Aitken rom Ottawa proves it.

Willie was visiting riends in Stornoway and went into the chip shop

a ter the bar closed and ordered a hamburger supper.Te lady wrapped it up, then said conspiratorially: Te hamburgers

arent very good tonight, so Ive given you two.

HURRICANE IRENE was one o the largest storms in years to hit

the eastern seaboard o America. Reader Alastair Breckenridge con-tacted riends in Philadelphia to check they were okay.His riends replied that the city had su ered its wettest August since

records began.


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It had been so bad, he added, there were plans to change the citysname to Scotland.

A READER in Sydney swears that a young toper in his local barannounced: I got attacked by a great white shark out on the sur .

Did you punch it on the nose, asked an interested onlooker.No, replied the swimmer, he just attacked me or no reason.

MIKE RI CHIE, watching the severe weather conditions on Amer-icas Eastern seaboard, tells us: Hurricane Irene has been downgradedto a Scottish summer.


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A READER in the United States was listening to the presenter on aV show who announced: Coming up a ter the break how to save

money on vacations. Dont go away.Good advice, thought our reader.

SOME IMES we like a joke because its just plain da t. So thank you John Daly in Houston or telling us about the two American tourists

ordering horse steaks in a Glasgow restaurant.We dont eat horse over here, the waitress told them.So how come that guy over there just ordered mare soup? asked

one o the Yanks.

NEW YORK taxi drivers have a tough reputation. David Speedie inthe city recounts: My wi e, on her rst visit by car to Manhattan, gothopelessly lost. She pulled up at tra c lights, next to a taxi driver, andasked directions. Without looking at her he replied, I you dont knowNew York, lady, take a cab.

A LONDON correspondent tells us he was in his local boozer whenthe V news carried the headline: Winds o 100mph batter Scotland.

At that a local loudmouth opined: Tat wont bother the Jocks. Teylove everything as long as its battered.

BRUCE MACGREGOR o Scottish music group Blazin Fiddles washaving a ew libations a ter a gig in Perth with members o a Polishband on the bill when the Polish drummer leaned orward and said: Ilike your wooden legs.


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Bruce laughed nervously, tapped his legs and said: I think you meanhollow legs, but the Pole insisted, No, I like your wooden legs.

Says Bruce: I was a bit perplexed. Blokes dont normally talk aboutmy legs.

I asked again, and he slowed down and waved his arms about. I likethis country I like the woods and lakes.

HE EAR HQUAKE in the eastern US has naturally excited a loto nervy Americans. As one o them tweeted a terwards: Gosh! Itsonly been like a hal hour and already Ive nished my 15-day supplyo emergency ood.

A BEARSDEN reader tells us an American girl was staying with hisamily over Christmas, who was taken aback by the pessimism o someScots. When she was waiting or a train into Glasgow, a ellow travellerasked: How are you? and she replied: Cant complain.

Te chap then asked: Why not?

AS BARACK OBAMAS presidency loses its glister, John McBridein exas sees a car sticker with a picture o a smiling and waving GeorgeW. Bush with the caption: Missing me yet?

FRANK PIGNA ELLI, retired to France, tells us crime drama ag- gartis very popular on local V, and is shown with French sub-titles.Te problem is that the Glaswegian dialogue can sometimes be a chal-lenge or the translators.


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wo characters were coming out o a chip shop, says Frank. One o them opened his bag o chips and barked: Wheres ma pickled onion?

Te French translation on screen said simply: Bon apptit!

NEWS o the bad weather in Scotland reached America as a readersends us a cutting rom his local newspaper that included the letter:Ive just heard rom a riend in Scotland. He says it has been snowing

heavily or three days now. His wi e has done nothing but stare throughthe window.

I it doesnt stop soon hell probably have to let her in.

GARY JOHNS ON in Australia was talking to a ellow ex-pat, Billy,

about how you can tell i you have been ully absorbed into Australianli e. Billy went to a bookshel and returned with a tome entitledBlokesand Teir Sheds. I you think this is about garden outhouses, yourede nitely an Aussie, Billy told him.

I , on the other hand, you assume its a book about hairstyles, yourestill essentially Scottish.

AN AMERICAN visitor to the UK says when he was visiting Strat-ord-upon-Avon he asked a local what St Georges Day was all about.Its like St Patricks Day, the chap replied. But without all the uss.

NEWS rom abroad, and we note that Frank Buckles, the last survivingAmerican soldier rom World War One, has died at the age o 110. Wemention it as weve always liked the answer Frank once gave when he


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was asked the secret o a long li e. When you think youre dying, Frankreplied, dont.

A LESMAHAGOW reader visiting riends in exas elt a sticker shesaw on a womans car over there could equally apply to harassed mothersover here. It read: I a womans place is in the home, why am I alwaysin this car?

POLISH workers theyve been great or Scotland, although therehave been misunderstandings. A reader who works in a major Scottishhotel tells us about the Polish receptionist who was on duty when anelderly American guest called reception as her husband wasnt eelingwell, and she asked or a doctor.

American or European? asked the receptionist. She asked or Amer-ican.

Five minutes later, the Polish chap arrived at the door with an Amer-ican adaptor.

A READER in Maryland, USA, tells us her dentist has a sign on thereceptionists counter which says: Please be nice to our dentists. Teyhave llings, too.

I S GREA when readers in America send us cuttings o so-calledScottish jokes rom their newspapers. Te latest reads: An Americanbusinessman in Glasgow walked into a restaurant and asked the wait-ress what the special was. Roast and rice, the Scottish miss replied ina heavy brogue.


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You certainly do roll your Rs, the businessman observed.I suppose, she giggled, but only when I wear high heels.

All we could think was: roast and rice? Who would ever servethat?

BBC SCO LANDS health correspondent Eleanor Brad ord tooksome Ozzy riends to Oban. She warned them that the bee burgers on

sale in a local chippy were not like the bee burgers they were used toin Australia. Her ears were con rmed when the Australians asked thewoman in the chip shop i the bee burgers were resh.

Aye, she replied. Straight out the reezer, and we reshly ry them.


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CAM HAMIL ON, whose late ather had a grocers shop in Lanarknear the River Clyde, tells us his dad, on more than one occasion, hadAmerican visitors, ans o the late Harry Lauder it seems, who camein to the shop to ask: Where can we nd Gloamin?

A PER HSHIRE reader back rom a holiday in America saw an auldella at a shopping mall get into a car which had a sticker on the back

window stating: Im retired. I was tired yesterday. Im tired again today.

AUS RALIA was having a tough time o it with res and foods, and

one o the most heartbreaking stories rom the foods was theMorning Bulletin newspaper in Queensland reporting that 30,000 pigs werefoating down the Dawson River.

Te newspaper put an apology in the ollowing day which read:What piggery owner Sid Everingham said was thirty sows and pigs.

ALKING o Australia, Bill Arnott tells us that the Queenslandfooding and cyclone damage means banana prices rocketing locally dueto the damage to crops. He tells us that a ter the last cyclone in thearea, a shop in the town o Nambour put a notice in its window stating,No bananas kept on these premises overnight.

A READER now living in South Carolina couldnt wait to tell us thathis daughters new English teacher is named Paige urner.


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WE HAVE long been admirers o Australian plain speaking. A reportin Te Herald about allowing tattooing in Scottish prisons re erred toprevious Australian research. A member o the Scottish Prison Servicetells us: Our study is called attooing in Scottish Prisons: A healthcare needs assessment.

Te Australian university research published in the Australian

Health Reviewwas entitled Jaggers in the Pokey.

WE HAVE made un o Americans visiting Scotland, and now a readerliving in the United States returns the compliment by sending us acutting rom a exan newspaper which states: A dying Scotsman on

his death bed looked up and asked i his wi e was there. Yes, dear, Imright next to you, she replied. Are my children here? he asked. Yes,daddy, were all here, they said.

Ten why the heck is the light on in the kitchen? he asked.

A GLASGOW student spent the summer working at a wildli e parkin Canada. He had to tell owners o so t-topped cars that they couldntdrive through the park in case the bears tore at the roo .

How about i I just put the top down? one woman asked him.

NO HA we are making any in erences about Americans and theirIQs, but reader Stephen Gold was in the Museum o Modern Art inNew York where one o the exhibition spaces had a sign stating:


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Sponsored by Banana Republic.A woman who had been reading it with a quizzical expression turned

and asked her husband: Harry, do you think this is the ashion storeor the country?

A UNI ED S A ES member on a Land Rover owners discussiongroup told the old gag o the Grand Canyon being started by a Scot

digging or a dropped penny. By the end o the discussion, the Ameri-cans had decided that all Scottish inventions were inspired by a desireto save money:

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone to save on bus aresvisiting people. John Logie Baird invented the V to save buying cinematickets. Sir Robert Watson-Watt developed radar so that the authori-

ties could make money fning speeding motorists. Alexander Baininvented the ax machine to save on postage.And our avourite: Sir James Dewar invented the vacuum fask to

save buying his co ee rom Starbucks.


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The Herald Diary: Panda To Your Every Desire by Ken Smith