The Funny Truth About Lies Part 0: Lies That Don't Cost

7/29/2019 The Funny Truth About Lies Part 0: Lies That Don't Cost

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THE FUNNY TRUTH

ABOUT LIES

PART 0:

LIES THAT DONT COST

2013 BY JAYMES SHOREALL RIGHTS RESERVED


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Chapter 1

FREELIES


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What is a lie? Everything is a lie; everything. Any salesmans pitch; lie. What your

best friend tells you; lie. Food label; lie. Anything anyone says; lie. Wehave more lies than garbage; well, almost.

Dont get angry. Face the lie and laugh.

This is the third part of my books of lies. You may ask: why is it called part

zero, and not part three? If you purchased this book, you will know why.

Included here are a collection of fresh lies, not found anywhere else. I havealso included my greatest hits collection, the best of parts 1 and 2 of the

series. As with my other books, in some cases the lies are on one side, and the

truth is on the other; or below.

Enjoy the only lies in life, that wont cost you.


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You can expect between 12-16inches of snow by morning.

You can expect between 2-3 inches

of snow by morning. We are just

trying to make it sound worse, so

you keep watching our news show.

The president failed to keep his

promise to keep taxes lower.

Your taxes are lower. They are

higher for the rich bastard who

owns this network.


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Artificial insemination by the dish on

the right is not fully covered by your

insurance. You will need a $4,234.23

co-pay.

The one on the left is fully covered,but we cant tell you why. Lets just

say the night janitor was a

little indiscreet.

Yes, dad. I am doing my online

Bible study course.

I am downloading an illegal file-sharecopy of the new Blue Crappies album,using the churchs server.


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Try our new Gredo Brand instant pizza. Just add package and water into

a microwave safe dish, cook 3 minutes, and you are done. Taste just like

your favorite pizza place. Your kids will never know the difference.


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If you believe anything I just said, youre not very bright. Look at this

crap. How could it taste like anything decent? Go fix your kids a proper

dinner.


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Just tell us your side

of the story. We only

want the truth.

We know you did nothing

wrong, but innocents doesnt

generate viewers. We will

destroy your life to get better

ratings.

I dont agree with

you. Contamination

is not too bad. Lets

just clean it up and

open the factory.

God is this bad; but Ill

lose a ton of money if I

close for a week to get

hazmat people in. Illjust go on vacation. If a

few workers get sick,

well thats what sick

days are for.


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Why

pay any

more?

Hope you dont

get into an

accident. If you

do, we will drop

you and notpay.

Kids, if you are very good, you will find

one of these under your tree.

Only kids who were bad will

get this. Its a cheap knockoff

of the one you really want. It

will die in 6 months.


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PHONE LIESIts easy to lie on the phone. Nobody

can see you (yet). Without body

language, you just have to worry about

your voice.

Ill be home at 6pm.

Ill refund your money.

No; Im not surfing the web, while

talking to you.

The guy left 10 minutes ago, will be

there soon.

I love you, too.

Too sick to make it in today.

I must have had the ringer off.

You have the wrong number.They all have a rip on the sleeve.

Thats the new style.

It will be ready at 3pm.

No, I never met him.

This is not a telemarketing call.

You have reached voice mail.


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Son, the bread is only 4 weeks old. We

cant afford a new loaf yet. Just cut

around the bad parts.

Look dear, we are just 3 miles

away from Canada. If we lived

there we would not have lost the

house to pay your medical bills, or

have had to fight for a year for theinsurance company to approve

your treatment.


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The liars hall of fame.

You can trust me. Look at my face. Could this face lie? I am smiling

with joy for you. This is the best investment you will ever see. Because

you are such nice people I am letting you in at the top. Yes, your life

savings could not be in better hands. Trust me, you wont regret it.


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You can get me off right? I wont go to jail? I didnt spend all the

money, some is still in the bank. I know I stole the life savings of 59

people, but they are old, and dont need it. You can get me off, right?


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I love you so much. You have the greatest personality.

You are sweat, and a great lover. Can we get married in

the spring?


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This is the best deal you will ever get. You could

make millions off a small investment.


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We are about to lose a major client, and will be out

of business within the year. We just have to get our

golden parachutes ready.


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Vote for me. I have honesty,integrity, and will fight to put

more money in your pocket.


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Vote for me. I will fight toput more money in my

pocket.


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Have a little faith, it will all

work out in the end, if you just

believe.


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I am really an atheist. Im notreally good at anything; so it

was this, or the army. The

benefits here are better, and I

only have to get up early one

day a week.

You are totally screwed, but

what the hell, I made you feel a

little better.


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We believe this is the grave

of the last American to have

had a full time job. He died

22 years ago.

Cottages for rent, only $666

each a month. Free use of

yard. River 1/2 mile away forbaths.


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I am going to Harvard in the fall.

I am going to Harvard lumber yard

in the fall, where Ill be working.

I have been working as a hair

dresser for 3 years.You are my first

customer, ever.


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We have the best fruit spreads

in the state.

We have the most expensive fruit spreads in

the state. We also had 12 cases of botulism.

I drive the very same car

myself. Best one I ever owned.

I would never drive this piece of crap.

I just need a sale to keep my job.


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Ill call you

next week.

You will never

hear from me

again, ever.

It takes me

an hour a day

to get my hair

just right.

This is a wig.


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So, this is

what I went to

college for?

Yes sir, I took

care of that

yesterday.

Nothing to

worry about.

Im screwed.

Time to lookfor a new job.


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Whats the

Difference?

....The price.Organic Regular


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Go ahead, light up. We dont mind the stink, breathingissues, and second hand cancer. You have rights, so just

screw everyone else. You are more important than other

people, so smoke.


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This is an easy procedure.That is, if you have good heath insurance.

If not, the other children will come up with somerather unpleasant nicknames for him.

Go for it. There

is no red lightcamera here.

I really dont know.

I need to use theladies room.


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We have to see 12

more candidates.

We will let

you know.

We have to see 12

more candidates.

We will let

you know.

We are looking for

someone a little

younger.

We are looking for

someone a little

younger.


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Expect 6-8 inches bymorning.

I have no idea what I am doing. Do youthink I got this job for my skill as a

meteorologist? Just look out the windowand guess for yourself.


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Chapter 2

THEBEST OF

THEFUNNY

TRUTH

H h b f fi b k If h


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Here now, is the best of my first two books. If you enjoy what you

see, you can always buy them. If not, just delete this file.


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If the sign states Made to order


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If the sign states, Made to order

It really means, heated to order.


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Mr. Smith 8pm Mr. Smith 5pm

I love you dear, you are theonly one for me.

No, I am not married.

Have to call in sick. Have a badstomach virus, and Icant even get out of bed.


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I cant find anything I like on

the menu.

I see a lot of great things, but they are allso expensive. Maybe Ill get a hamburger,

thats only $14.

...and that isthe best advice

that I can giveyou about this.

Advice? I haveno idea what I

am saying. Imjust trying tosound like Iknow somethingabout this. I amas lost as youare.

M t P g it d J b k


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Meet Peg, a waitress, and Joe, a bankexecutive. Both from California.

Were getting married next month. I am2 months pregnant. Joe is doing theright thing, and making me an honest

woman. He is so kind, upstanding,and will make a fine father.

Ok now, the only truths above, are that she is pregnant, and they aregetting married. Peg had a one night stand with a sleazy, 350 pound, half blind,

one legged bartender 2 months ago. She then found out she was pregnant. Shewanted nothing to do with the loser father, whos name she could notremember. Then she developed a plan. She would sleep with every customer inthe bar, till she got a rich one. She found that in Joe, who had plenty of cash.She slept with him, then told him she was having his child. Joe suspectednothing, did the right thing, and will pay for it. Soon she will have her child and

his money. He will get to lose his house, and pay child support for the rest of hisnatural life. Beware of liars like Peg. They will get you every time.

What we value most


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What we value most.

School bus driver:

Salary: $31,000

School teacher

Salary $44,000

Soldier:

Salary $17,000-$44,000

Ambulance driver:

Salary $30,000

Throw a ball around

Salary $3.2 million


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A real news story. A pastor had a big meal at a restaurant. He was

happy with the service; and the food. When the check came he left only a

10% tip. The reason: I give God 10%. Why should I give you $16%?


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God has spoken to me. You must believe, or:

A- You will suffer the torments of hell for all eternity.

B- You will suffer Gods angry vengeance.

C- The Devil will take your soul, right out of your body.

D- I will not be able to make 2 million a year as a televangelist.


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I would like to thank our Lord for

the food we are about to receive.

Oh dad, your paying for dinner tonight, notthe Lord. You may also want to thank the

cook, and tip the waiter more than 10%;

for all his hard work.


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Jan, when her best friends

Mother died:

Jan, 6 months later, when

her father dies:

God has a plan. We cannot question it.

He wanted your mother for a reason.

God is good.

There is no God. If he does exist, then

how could he do this to me? I hate you

God, I hate you.


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Sorry, I didnt see you. No, I didnt clip him. He

just tipped over.

I didnt see you because: I was texting, changing

stations, drinking coffee, eating a donut, blowing

my nose, working my GPS, and web surfing. Yeah, I hit him all right.


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RED LIGHT HELL


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The red light at busy intersections had become thenew yellow. Drivers become oblivious to the conceptthat two objects can not exist in the same place and

time. If only they had paid attention in school.Then came a new hope, the red light camera. Finally

people would stop tempting fate. Finally we would besafe, and there would be justice.

Then came the ugly truth, it was all a lie. People still

raced through red lights just like before, only now theywere behind you, leaving you a terrible choice....,

RED LIGHT HELL

The deal kept getting worse. The cameras were now looking to see ifyou had on seat belts, a headlight out, or if there was ketchup on your

face, from that burger you ate while driving. The roads weren't any saferfor this, but the county raked in the bucks. Nervous drivers went out of

control in a panic, trying to avoid a costly ticket. I saw one guy entering a

long intersection just as yellowappeared. Not sure he could make it to the middle of the intersection intime, he floored it, lost control, and crashed into a parked car. Boy are

these cameras fun.Another great side effect, nobody lets ambulances through anymore. If

youre at a light, is it worth a ticket to help someone in need? No, peoplejust sit at the light and avoid the ticket.

THE DREADED SIGNS


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THE DREADED SIGNS


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A MAN WHO OWNED A DINER ONCE TOLD ME

NEVER ORDER THE SPECIAL.


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Everybodys Favorite


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I hope you enjoyed all of these free lies. Now, if you dont want me

to die of starvation, go buy my first 2 books.


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I have been abducted by

terrorists. I am being

held in a dark room. Idont know if I am ever

being released.

That dance music in the

background? Thats a

form oftorture.

No, I have not been

drinking, its the drugs

they gave me.


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You can trust me.

Special thanks to Lord Andrew Hermann.


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The End

Thats a lie.

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The Funny Truth About Lies Part 0: Lies That Don't Cost