The Fourth Book - François Rabelais.doc

8/11/2019 The Fourth Book - Franois Rabelais.doc

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The Fourth Book

Franois Rabelais

Wikisource

The Author's Epistle Dedicatory

To the most Illustrious Prince and most Re erend !ord "det# $ardinal de $hastillon%

&ou kno # most illustrious prince# ho o(ten I ha e been# and am daily pressed and re)uired by *reat numbers o( eminent persons#to proceed in the Panta*ruelian (ables+ they tell me that many lan*uishin*# sick# and disconsolate persons# perusin* them# ha edecei ed their *rie(# passed their time merrily# and been inspired ith ne ,oy and com(ort% I commonly ans er that I aimed not at*lory and applause hen I di erted mysel( ith ritin*# but only desi*ned to *i e by my pen# to the absent ho labour undera((liction# that little help hich at all times I illin*ly stri e to *i e to the present that stand in need o( my art and ser ice%-ometimes I at lar*e relate to them ho .ippocrates in se eral places# and particularly in lib% /% Epidem%# describin* the institutiono( the physician his disciple# and also -oranus o( Ephesus# "ribasius# 0alen# .ali Abbas# and other authors# ha e descended to

particulars# in the prescription o( his motions# deportment# looks# countenance# *race(ulness# ci ility# cleanliness o( (ace# clothes# beard# hair# hands# mouth# e en his ery nails+ as i( he ere to play the part o( a lo er in some comedy# or enter the lists to (i*htsome enemy% And indeed the practice o( physic is properly enou*h compared by .ippocrates to a (i*ht# and also to a (arce acted

bet een three persons# the patient# the physician# and the disease% Which passa*e has sometimes put me in mind o( 1ulia's sayin* toAu*ustus her (ather% "ne day she came be(ore him in a ery *or*eous# loose# lasci ious dress# hich ery much displeased him#thou*h he did not much disco er his discontent% The ne2t day she put on another# and in a modest *arb# such as the chaste Romanladies ore# came into his presence% The kind (ather could not then (orbear e2pressin* the pleasure hich he took to see her somuch altered# and said to her3 "h4 ho much more this *arb becomes and is commendable in the dau*hter o( Au*ustus% But she#ha in* her e2cuse ready# ans ered3 This day# sir# I dressed mysel( to please my (ather's eye+ yesterday# to *rati(y that o( myhusband% Thus dis*uised in looks and *arb# nay e en# as (ormerly as the (ashion# ith a rich and pleasant *o n ith (our slee es#

hich as called philonium accordin* to Petrus Ale2andrinus in /% Epidem%# a physician mi*ht ans er to such as mi*ht (ind themetamorphosis indecent3 Thus ha e I accoutred mysel(# not that I am proud o( appearin* in such a dress# but (or the sake o( my

patient# hom alone I holly desi*n to please# and no ise o((end or dissatis(y% There is also a passa*e in our (ather .ippocrates#in the book I ha e named# hich causes some to s eat# dispute# and labour+ not indeed to kno hether the physician's (ro nin*#discontented# and morose $atonian look render the patient sad# and his ,oy(ul# serene# and pleasin* countenance re,oice him+ (or

e2perience teaches us that this is most certain+ but hether such sensations o( *rie( or pleasure are produced by the apprehensiono( the patient obser in* his motions and )ualities in his physician# and dra in* (rom thence con,ectures o( the end and catastropheo( his disease+ as# by his pleasin* look# ,oy(ul and desirable e ents# and by his sorro (ul and unpleasin* air# sad and dismalconse)uences+ or hether those sensations be produced by a trans(usion o( the serene or *loomy# aerial or terrestrial# ,oy(ul ormelancholic spirits o( the physician into the person o( the patient# as is the opinion o( Plato# A erroes# and others%

Abo e all thin*s# the (orecited authors ha e *i en particular directions to physicians about the ords# discourse# and con ersehich they ou*ht to ha e ith their patients+ e eryone aimin* at one point# that is# to re,oice them ithout o((endin* 0od# and in

no ise hatsoe er to e2 or displease them% Which causes .erophilus much to blame the physician $alliana2# ho# bein* asked by a patient o( his# -hall I die5 impudently made him this ans er3

Patroclus died# hom all allo By much a better man than you%

Another# ho had a mind to kno the state o( his distemper# askin* him# a(ter our merry Patelin's ay3 Well# doctor# does not myater tell you I shall die5 .e (oolishly ans ered# 6o+ i( !atona# the mother o( those lo ely t ins# Phoebus and Diana# be*ot thee%

0alen# lib% 7# $omment% /% Epidem%# blames much also 8uintus his tutor# ho# a certain nobleman o( Rome# his patient# sayin* tohim# &ou ha e been at break(ast# my master# your breath smells o( ine+ ans ered arro*antly# &ours smells o( (e er+ hich is the

better smell o( the t o# ine or a putrid (e er5 But the calumny o( certain cannibals# misanthropes# perpetual ea esdroppers# has been so (oul and e2cessi e a*ainst me# that it had con)uered my patience# and I had resol ed not to rite one ,ot more% For theleast o( their detractions ere that my books are all stu((ed ith arious heresies# o( hich# ne ertheless# they could not sho onesin*le instance+ much# indeed# o( comical and (acetious (ooleries# neither o((endin* 0od nor the kin* 9and truly I o n they are theonly sub,ect and only theme o( these books:# but o( heresy not a ord# unless they interpreted ron*# and a*ainst all use o( reasonand common lan*ua*e# hat I had rather su((er a thousand deaths# i( it ere possible# than ha e thou*ht+ as ho should make

bread to be stone# a (ish to be a serpent# and an e** to be a scorpion% This# my lord# emboldened me once to tell you# as I ascomplainin* o( it in your presence# that i( I did not esteem mysel( a better $hristian than they sho themsel es to ards me# and i(


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my li(e# ritin*s# ords# nay thou*hts# betrayed to me one sin*le spark o( heresy# or I should in a detestable manner (all into thesnares o( the spirit o( detraction# Diabolos# ho# by their means# raises such crimes a*ainst me+ I ould then# like the phoeni2#*ather dry ood# kindle a (ire# and burn mysel( in the midst o( it% &ou ere then pleased to say to me that ;in* Francis# o( eternalmemory# had been made sensible o( those (alse accusations+ and that ha in* caused my books 9mine# I say# because se eral# (alseand in(amous# ha e been ickedly laid to me: to be care(ully and distinctly read to him by the most learned and (aith(ul ana*nostin this kin*dom# he had not (ound any passa*e suspicious+ and that he abhorred a certain en ious# i*norant# hypocritical in(ormer#

ho *rounded a mortal heresy on an n put instead o( an m by the carelessness o( the printers%

As much as done by his son# our most *racious# irtuous# and blessed so erei*n# .enry# hom .ea en lon* preser e4 so that he*ranted you his royal pri ile*e and particular protection (or me a*ainst my slanderin* ad ersaries%

&ou kindly condescended since to con(irm me these happy ne s at Paris+ and also lately# hen you isited my !ord $ardinal duBellay# ho# (or the bene(it o( his health# a(ter a lin*erin* distemper# as retired to -t% head o( myanimal spirits had been dry%


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The Author's Prolo*ue

0ood people# 0od sa e and keep you4 Where are you5 I can't see you3 stay>>I'll saddle my nose ith spectacles>>oh# oh4 't ill be(air anon3 I see you% Well# you ha e had a *ood inta*e# they say3 this is no bad ne s to Frank# you may s ear% &ou ha e *ot anin(allible cure a*ainst thirst3 rarely per(ormed o( you# my (riends4 &ou# your i es# children# (riends# and (amilies are in as *oodcase as hearts can ish+ it is ell# it is as I ould ha e it3 0od be praised (or it# and i( such be his ill# may you lon* be so% For my

part# I am thereabouts# thanks to his blessed *oodness+ and by the means o( a little Panta*ruelism 9 hich you kno is a certain ,ollity o( mind# pickled in the scorn o( (ortune:# you see me no hale and cheery# as sound as a bell# and ready to drink# i( you ill%Would you kno hy I'm thus# *ood people5 I ill e en *i e you a positi e ans er >>-uch is the !ord's ill# hich I obey andre ere+ it bein* said in his ord# in *reat derision to the physician ne*lect(ul o( his o n health# Physician# heal thysel(%

0alen had some kno led*e o( the Bible# and had con ersed ith the $hristians o( his time# as appears lib% % De su Partium+ lib%?% De Di((erentiis Pulsuum# cap% C# and ibid% lib% C% cap% ?% and lib% De Rerum A((ectibus 9i( it be 0alen's:% &et 't as not (or anysuch eneration o( holy rit that he took care o( his o n health% 6o# it as (or (ear o( bein* t itted ith the sayin* so ell kno namon* physicians3

Iatros allon autos elkesi bruon%

.e boasts o( healin* poor and rich# &et is himsel( all o er itch%

This made him boldly say# that he did not desire to be esteemed a physician# i( (rom his t enty>ei*hth year to his old a*e he hadnot li ed in per(ect health# e2cept some ephemerous (e ers# o( hich he soon rid himsel(+ yet he as not naturally o( the soundesttemper# his stomach bein* e idently bad% Indeed# as he saith# lib% =# De -anitate tuenda# that physician ill hardly be thou*ht erycare(ul o( the health o( others ho ne*lects his o n% Asclepiades boasted yet more than this+ (or he said that he had articled ith(ortune not to be reputed a physician i( he could be said to ha e been sick since he be*an to practise physic to his latter a*e# hichhe reached# lusty in all his members and ictorious o er (ortune+ till at last the old *entleman unluckily tumbled do n (rom the topo( a certain ill>propped and rotten staircase# and so there as an end o( him%

I( by some disaster health is (led (rom your orships to the ri*ht or to the le(t# abo e or belo # be(ore or behind# ithin or ithout#(ar or near# on this side or the other side# heresoe er it be# may you presently# ith the help o( the !ord# meet ith it% .a in*(ound it# may you immediately claim it# sei e it# and secure it% The la allo s it+ the kin* ould ha e it so+ nay# you ha e myad ice (or it% 6either more nor less than the la >makers o( old did (ully empo er a master to claim and sei e his runa ay ser ant

here er he mi*ht be (ound% "dds>bodikins# is it not ritten and arranted by the ancient customs o( this noble# so rich# so(lourishin* realm o( France# that the dead sei es the )uick5 -ee hat has been declared ery lately in that point by that learned#ise# courteous# humane and ,ust ci ilian# Andre Tira)ueau# one o( the ,ud*es in the most honourable court o( Parliament at

Paris% .ealth is our li(e# as Ariphron the -icyonian isely has it+ ithout health li(e is not li(e# it is not li in* li(e3 abios bios# biosabiotos% Without health li(e is only a lan*uishment and an ima*e o( death% There(ore# you that ant your health# that is to say# thatare dead# sei e the )uick+ secure li(e to yoursel es# that is to say# health%

I ha e this hope in the !ord# that he ill hear our supplications# considerin* ith hat (aith and eal e pray# and that he ill *rantthis our ish because it is moderate and mean%


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6o I talk o( moderate ishes in point o( hatchet 9but harkee me# be sure you don't (or*et hen e ou*ht to drink:# I ill tell youhat is ritten amon* the apolo*ues o( ise Aesop the Frenchman% I mean the Phry*ian and Tro,an# as board# by the hole consistory o( the *ods% What a de il ha e

e belo # )uoth 1upiter# that ho ls so horridly5 By the mud o( -ty2# ha e not e had all alon*# and ha e not e here still enou*hto do# to set to ri*hts a orld o( damned pu lin* businesses o( conse)uence5 We made an end o( the (ray bet een Presthan# ;in*o( Persia# and -oliman the Turkish emperor# e ha e stopped up the passa*es bet een the Tartars and the


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6ine "lympiads# and an intercalary year a(ter 9I ha e a rare member# I ould say memory+ but I o(ten make blunders in thesymboli ation and colli*ance o( those t o ords:# I heard Adrian Gillart# 0ombert# 1ane)uin# Arcadet# $laudin# $erton#


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&ou ould ha e truly s orn they had been a parcel o( your petty spiritual usurers# Rome>bound# sellin* their all# and borro in* o(others# to buy store o( mandates# a penny orth o( a ne >made pope%

6o they cried out and brayed# and prayed and ba led# and lamented# and in oked 1upiter3 houses o( hom and ho they may s)uee e the ready# and

ho by their cra(t must be hooked in# heedled# bubbled# sharped# o erreached# and choused+ they *o to the e2chan*e# and *reetone another ith a -anita e *uada*no#


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.o Panta*ruel ent to sea to isit the oracle o( Bacbuc# alias the .oly Bottle

In the month o( 1une# on Gesta's holiday# the ery numerical day on hich Brutus# con)uerin* -pain# tau*ht its struttin* dons totruckle under him# and that ni**ardly miser $rassus as routed and knocked on the head by the Parthians# Panta*ruel took hislea e o( the *ood 0ar*antua# his royal (ather% The old *entleman# accordin* to the laudable custom o( the primiti e $hristians#de outly prayed (or the happy oya*e o( his son and his hole company# and then they took shippin* at the port o( Thalassa%Panta*ruel had ith him Panur*e# Friar 1ohn des Entomeures# alias o( the Funnels# Epistemon# 0ymnast# Eusthenes# Rhi otome#$arpalin# cum multis aliis# his ancient ser ants and domestics+ also enomanes# the *reat tra eller# ho had crossed so manydan*erous roads# dikes# ponds# seas# and so (orth# and as come some time be(ore# ha in* been sent (or by Panur*e%

For certain *ood causes and considerations him thereunto mo in*# he had le(t ith 0ar*antua# and marked out# in his *reat anduni ersal hydro*raphical chart# the course hich they ere to steer to isit the "racle o( the .oly Bottle Bacbuc% The number o(ships ere such as I described in the third book# con oyed by a like number o( triremes# men o( ar# *alleons# and (eluccas# ell>ri**ed# caulked# and stored ith a *ood )uantity o( Panta*ruelion%

All the o((icers# dro**ermen# pilots# captains# mates# boats ains# midshipmen# )uartermasters# and sailors# met in the Thalame*e#Panta*ruel's principal (la*>ship# hich had in her stern (or her ensi*n a hu*e lar*e bottle# hal( sil er ell polished# the other hal(*old enamelled ith carnation+ hereby it as easy to *uess that hite and red ere the colours o( the noble tra ellers# and thatthey ent (or the ord o( the Bottle%

"n the stern o( the second as a lantern like those o( the ancients# industriously made ith diaphanous stone# implyin* that theyere to pass by !anternland% The third ship had (or her de ice a (ine deep china e er% The (ourth# a double>handed ,ar o( *old#

much like an ancient urn% The (i(th# a (amous can made o( sperm o( emerald% The si2th# a monk's mumpin* bottle made o( the (ourmetals to*ether% The se enth# an ebony (unnel# all embossed and rou*ht ith *old a(ter the Tauchic manner% The ei*hth# an i y*oblet# ery precious# inlaid ith *old% The ninth# a cup o( (ine "bri *old% The tenth# a tumbler o( aromatic a*oloch 9you call itli*num aloes: ed*ed ith $yprian *old# a(ter the A emine make% The ele enth# a *olden ine>tub o( mosaic ork% The t el(th# arunlet o( unpolished *old# co ered ith a small ine o( lar*e Indian pearl o( Topiarian ork% Insomuch that there as not a man#ho e er in the dumps# musty# sour>looked# or melancholic he ere# not e en e2ceptin* that blubberin* hiner .eraclitus# had he

been there# but seein* this noble con oy o( ships and their de ices# must ha e been sei ed ith present *ladness o( heart# and#smilin* at the conceit# ha e said that the tra ellers ere all honest topers# true pitcher>men# and ha e ,ud*ed by a most sure

pro*nostication that their oya*e# both out ard and home ard>bound# ould be per(ormed in mirth and per(ect health%

In the Thalame*e# here as the *eneral meetin*# Panta*ruel made a short but s eet e2hortation# holly backed ith authorities

(rom -cripture upon na i*ation+ hich bein* ended# ith an audible oice prayers ere said in the presence and hearin* o( all the bur*hers o( Thalassa# ho had (locked to the mole to see them take shippin*% A(ter the prayers as melodiously sun* a psalm o(the holy ;in* Da id# hich be*ins# When Israel ent out o( E*ypt+ and that bein* ended# tables ere placed upon deck# and a(east speedily ser ed up% The Thalassians# ho had also borne a chorus in the psalm# caused store o( belly>timber to be brou*ht outo( their houses% All drank to them+ they drank to all+ hich as the cause that none o( the hole company *a e up hat they hadeaten# nor ere sea>sick# ith a pain at the head and stomach+ hich incon eniency they could not so easily ha e pre ented bydrinkin*# (or some time be(ore# salt ater# either alone or mi2ed ith ine+ usin* )uinces# citron peel# ,uice o( pome*ranates#sourish s eetmeats# (astin* a lon* time# co erin* their stomachs ith paper# or (ollo in* such other idle remedies as (oolish

physicians prescribe to those that *o to sea%

.a in* o(ten rene ed their tipplin*s# each mother's son retired on board his o n ship# and set sail all so (ast ith a merry *ale atsouth>east+ to hich point o( the compass the chie( pilot# 1ames Brayer by name# had shaped his course# and (i2ed all thin*saccordin*ly% For seein* that the "racle o( the .oly Bottle lay near $athay# in the pper India# his ad ice# and that o( enomanes

also# as not to steer the course hich the Portu*uese use# hile sailin* throu*h the torrid one# and $ape Bona -peran a# at thesouth point o( A(rica# beyond the e)uinoctial line# and losin* si*ht o( the northern pole# their *uide# they make a prodi*ious lon*oya*e+ but rather to keep as near the parallel o( the said India as possible# and to tack to the est ard o( the said pole# so thatindin* under the north# they mi*ht (ind themsel es in the latitude o( the port o( "lone# ithout comin* nearer it (or (ear o( bein*

shut up in the (ro en sea+ hereas# (ollo in* this canonical turn# by the said parallel# they must ha e that on the ri*ht to theeast ard# hich at their departure as on their le(t%

This pro ed a much shorter cut+ (or ithout ship reck# dan*er# or loss o( men# ith uninterrupted *ood eather# e2cept one daynear the island o( the


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.o Panta*ruel bou*ht many rarities in the island o(


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.o Panta*ruel recei ed a letter (rom his (ather 0ar*antua# and o( the stran*e ay to ha e speedy ne s (rom (ar distant places

While Panta*ruel as taken up ith the purchase o( those (orei*n animals# the noise o( ten *uns and cul erins# to*ether ith aloud and ,oy(ul cheer o( all the (leet# as heard (rom the mole% Panta*ruel looked to ards the ha en# and percei ed that this asoccasioned by the arri al o( one o( his (ather 0ar*antua's celoces# or ad ice>boats# named the $helidonia+ because on the stern o( it

as car ed in $orinthian brass a sea>s allo # hich is a (ish as lar*e as a dare>(ish o( !oire# all (lesh# ithout scale# ithcartila*inous in*s 9like a bat's: ery lon* and broad# by the means o( hich I ha e seen them (ly about three (athom abo e ater#about a bo >shot% At house# hose youn* ones ere ,ust hatched henthe ad ice>boat as *oin* o((%

I( any ill (ortune had be(allen Panta*ruel# he ould ha e (astened some black ribbon to his (eet+ but because all thin*s hadsucceeded happily hitherto# ha in* caused it to be undressed# he tied to its (eet a hite ribbon# and ithout any (urther delay let itloose% The pi*eon presently (le a ay# cuttin* the air ith an incredible speed# as you kno that there is no (li*ht like a pi*eon's#especially hen it hath e**s or youn* ones# throu*h the e2treme care hich nature hath (i2ed in it to relie e and be ith its youn*+insomuch that in less than t o hours it compassed in the air the lon* tract hich the ad ice>boat# ith all her dili*ence# ith oarsand sails# and a (air ind# could not *o throu*h in less than three days and three ni*hts+ and as seen as it ent into the do e>house in its nest% Whereupon 0ar*antua# hearin* that it had the hite ribbon on# as ,oy(ul and secure o( his son's el(are% This

as the custom o( the noble 0ar*antua and Panta*ruel hen they ould ha e speedy ne s o( somethin* o( *reat concern+ as thee ent o( some battle# either by sea or land+ the surrenderin* or holdin* out o( some stron* place+ the determination o( somedi((erence o( moment+ the sa(e or unhappy deli ery o( some )ueen or *reat lady+ the death or reco ery o( their sick (riends orallies# and so (orth% They used to take the *o al# and had it carried (rom one to another by the post# to the places hence theydesired to ha e ne s% The *o al# bearin* either a black or hite ribbon# accordin* to the occurrences and accidents# used toremo e their doubts at its return# makin* in the space o( one hour more ay throu*h the air than thirty postboys could ha e done inone natural day% houses o( their (arms there ere to be (ound all the year lon* store o( pi*eonshatchin* e**s or rearin* their youn*% Which may be easily done in a iaries and oleries by the help o( saltpetre and the sacred herb

er ain%

The *o al bein* let (ly# Panta*ruel perused his (ather 0ar*antua's letter# the contents o( hich ere as (ollo eth3

>The a((ection that naturally a (ather bears a belo ed son is so much increased in me by re(lectin* on the particular *i(ts hich by the di ine *oodness ha e been heaped on thee# that since thy departure it hath o(ten banished all otherthou*hts out o( my mind# lea in* my heart holly possessed ith (ear lest some mis(ortune has attended thy oya*e+ (or thoukno est that (ear as e er the attendant o( true and sincere lo e% 6o because# as .esiod saith# A *ood be*innin* o( anythin* isthe hal( o( it+ or# Well be*un's hal( done# accordin* to the old sayin*+ to (ree my mind (rom this an2iety I ha e e2presslydespatched


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.o Panta*ruel rit to his (ather 0ar*antua# and sent him se eral curiosities

Panta*ruel# ha in* perused the letter# had a lon* con(erence ith the es)uire


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the li(e and deeds o( Achilles# ith the three unicorns in (rie ed cloth o( *old trappin*s+ and so they le(t >


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.o Panta*ruel met a ship ith passen*ers returnin* (rom !antern>land

"n the (i(th day e be*an already to ind by little and little about the pole+ *oin* still (arther (rom the e)uinoctial line# edisco ered a merchant>man to the ind ard o( us% The ,oy (or this as not small on both sides+ e in hopes to hear ne s (rom sea#and those in the merchant>man (rom land% -o e bore upon 'em# and comin* up ith them e hailed them+ and (indin* them to beFrenchmen o( ainton*e# backed our sails and lay by to talk to them% Panta*ruel heard that they came (rom !anternland+ hichadded to his ,oy# and that o( the hole (leet% We in)uired about the state o( that country# and the ay o( li in* o( the !anterns+ and

ere told that about the latter end o( the (ollo in* 1uly as the time pre(i2ed (or the meetin* o( the *eneral chapter o( the!anterns+ and that i( e arri ed there at that time# as e mi*ht easily# e should see a handsome# honourable# and ,olly company o( !anterns+ and that *reat preparations ere makin*# as i( they intended to lanterni e there to the purpose% We ere told also that i(

e touched at the *reat kin*dom o( 0ebarim# e should be honourably recei ed and treated by the so erei*n o( that country# ;in*"habe# ho# as ell as all his sub,ects# speaks Touraine French%

While e ere listenin* to these ne s# Panur*e (ell out ith one Din*don*# a dro er or sheep>merchant o( Taillebour*% Theoccasion o( the (ray as thus3

This same Din*don*# seein* Panur*e ithout a codpiece# ith his spectacles (astened to his cap# said to one o( his comrades#Prithee# look# is there not a (ine medal o( a cuckold5 Panur*e# by reason o( his spectacles# as you may ell think# heard more

plainly by hal( ith his ears than usually+ hich caused him 9hearin* this: to say to the saucy dealer in mutton# in a kind o( a pet3

.o the de il should I be one o( the horni(ied (raternity# since I am not yet a brother o( the marria*e>noose# as thou art+ as I *uess by thy ill>(a oured phi 5

&ea# erily# )uoth the *ra ier# I am married# and ould not be other ise (or all the pairs o( spectacles in Europe+ nay# not (or all thema*ni(yin* *imcracks in A(rica+ (or I ha e *ot me the cle erest# prettiest# handsomest# properest# neatest# ti*htest# honestest# andsoberest piece o( oman's (lesh (or my i(e that is in all the hole country o( ainton*e+ I'll say that (or her# and a (art (or all therest% I brin* her home a (ine ele en>inch>lon* branch o( red coral (or her $hristmas>bo2% What hast thou to do ith it5 hat's thatto thee5 ho art thou5 hence comest thou# " dark lantern o( Antichrist5 Ans er# i( thou art o( 0od% I ask thee# by the ay o()uestion# said Panur*e to him ery seriously# i( ith the consent and countenance o( all the elements# I had *in*umbobbed#codpieced# and thumpthumpri**ledtickledt iddled thy so cle er# so pretty# so handsome# so proper# so neat# so ti*ht# so honest# andso sober (emale importance# insomuch that the sti(( deity that has no (orecast# Priapus 9 ho d ells here at liberty# all sub,ection o((astened codpieces# or bolts# bars# and locks# abdicated:# remained stickin* in her natural $hristmas>bo2 in such a lamentablemanner that it ere ne er to come out# but eternally should stick there unless thou didst pull it out ith thy teeth+ hat ouldst

thou do5 Wouldst thou e erlastin*ly lea e it there# or ouldst thou pluck it out ith thy *rinders5 Ans er me# " thou ram o(


14/92

.o # the (ray bein* o er# Panur*e cheapened one o( Din*don*'s sheep

This )uarrel bein* hushed# Panur*e tipped the ink upon Epistemon and Friar 1ohn# and takin* them aside# -tand at some distanceout o( the ay# said he# and take your share o( the (ollo in* scene o( mirth% &ou shall ha e rare sport anon# i( my cake be notdou*h# and my plot do but take% Then addressin* himsel( to the dro er# he took o(( to him a bumper o( *ood lantern ine% Theother pled*ed him briskly and courteously% This done# Panur*e earnestly entreated him to sell him one o( his sheep%

But the other ans ered him# Is it come to that# (riend and nei*hbour5 Would you put tricks upon tra ellers5 Alas# ho (inely youlo e to play upon poor (olk4 6ay# you seem a rare chapman# that's the truth on't% "h# hat a mi*hty sheep>merchant you are4 In*ood (aith# you look liker one o( the di in* trade than a buyer o( sheep% Ad ookers# hat a blessin* it ould be to ha e one's purse

ell lined ith chink near your orship at a tripe>house hen it be*ins to tha 4 .umph# humph# did not e kno you ell# youmi*ht ser e one a slippery trick4 Pray do but see# *ood people# hat a mi*hty con,uror the (ello ould be reckoned% Patience#said Panur*e+ but ai in* that# be so kind as to sell me one o( your sheep% $ome# ho much5 What do you mean# master o( mine5ans ered the other% They are lon*> ool sheep+ (rom these did 1ason take his *olden (leece% The *old o( the house o( Bur*undy asdra n (rom them% oons# man# they are oriental sheep# toppin* sheep# (atted sheep# sheep o( )uality% Be it so# said Panur*e+ butsell me one o( them# I beseech you+ and that (or a cause# payin* you ready money upon the nail# in *ood and la (ul occidentalcurrent cash% Wilt say ho much5 Friend# nei*hbour# ans ered the seller o( mutton# hark ye me a little# on the ear%

Panur*e% "n hich side you please+ I hear you%

Din*don*% &ou are *oin* to !anternland# they say%

Panur*e% &ea# erily%

Din*don*% To see (ashions5

Panur*e% E en so%

Din*don*% And be merry5

Panur*e% And be merry%

Din*don*% &our name is# as I take it# Robin >humph# humph# you *o to see (ashions# youare the kin*'s ,ester# your name is Robin


15/92

posterity i( you ould cha((er ith me (or him# or some other o( hisin(eriors% I be* it o( you+ *ood your orship# be so kind% .ark ye#(riend o( mine# ans ered the other+ ith the (leece o( these your (ineRouen cloth is to be made+ your !eominster super(ine ool is mine arse toit+ mere (lock in comparison% "( their skins the best cordo an ill bemade# hich shall be sold (or Turkey and


16/92

Which i( you read you'll (ind ho Panur*e bar*ained ith Din*don*

6ei*hbour# my (riend# ans ered Din*don*# they are meat (or none but kin*s and princes+ their (lesh is so delicate# so sa oury# andso dainty that one ould s ear it melted in the mouth% I brin* them out o( a country here the ery ho*s# 0od be ith us# li e onnothin* but myrobolans% The so s in the styes hen they lie>in 9sa in* the honour o( this *ood company: are (ed only ithoran*e>(lo ers% But# said Panur*e# dri e a bar*ain ith me (or one o( them# and I ill pay you (or't like a kin*# upon the honest

ord o( a true Tro,an+ come# come# hat do you ask5 6ot so (ast# Robin# ans ered the trader+ these sheep are lineally descended(rom the ery (amily o( the ram that a(ted Phry2us and .elle o er the sea since called the .ellespont% A po2 on't# said Panur*e#you are clericus el addiscens4 Ita is a cabba*e# and ere a leek# ans ered the merchant% But# rr# rrr# rrrr# rrrrr# hoh Robin# rr# rrrrrrr#you don't understand that *ibberish# do you5 6o I think on't# o er all the (ields here they piss# corn *ro s as (ast as i( the !ordhad pissed there+ they need neither be tilled nor dun*ed% Besides# man# your chemists e2tract the best saltpetre in the orld out o(their urine% 6ay# ith their ery dun* 9 ith re erence be it spoken: the doctors in our country make pills that cure se enty>ei*htkinds o( diseases# the least o( hich is the e il o( -t% Eutropius o( aintes# (rom hich# *ood !ord# deli er us4 6o hat do youthink on't# nei*hbour# my (riend5 The truth is# they cost me money# that they do% $ost hat they ill# cried Panur*e# trade ith me(or one o( them# payin* you ell% "ur (riend# )uoth the )uacklike sheepman# do but mind the onders o( nature that are (ound inthose animals# e en in a member hich one ould think ere o( no use% Take me but these horns# and bray them a little ith aniron pestle# or ith an andiron# hich you please# it is all one to me+ then bury them here er you ill# pro ided it be here thesun may shine# and ater them (re)uently+ in a (e months I'll en*a*e you ill ha e the best aspara*us in the orld# not e ene2ceptin* those o( Ra enna% 6o # come and tell me hether the horns o( your other kni*hts o( the bull's (eather ha e such a irtueand onder(ul propriety5

Patience# said Panur*e% I don't kno hether you be a scholar or no# pursued Din*don*+ I ha e seen a orld o( scholars# I say*reat scholars# that ere cuckolds# I'll assure you% But hark you me# i( you ere a scholar# you should kno that in the mostin(erior members o( those animals# hich are the (eet# there is a bone# hich is the heel# the astra*alus# i( you ill ha e it so#

here ith# and ith that o( no other creature breathin*# e2cept the Indian ass and the dorcades o( !ibya# they used in old times to play at the royal *ame o( dice# hereat Au*ustus the emperor on abo e (i(ty thousand cro ns one e enin*% 6o such cuckoldsas you ill be han*ed ere you *et hal( so much at it% Patience# said Panur*e+ but let us despatch% And hen# my (riend andnei*hbour# continued the cantin* sheepseller# shall I ha e duly praised the in ard members# the shoulders# the le*s# the knuckles#the neck# the breast# the li er# the spleen# the tripes# the kidneys# the bladder# here ith they make (ootballs+ the ribs# hich ser ein Pi*myland to make little crossbo s to pelt the cranes ith cherry>stones+ the head# hich ith a little brimstone ser es to makea miraculous decoction to loosen and ease the belly o( costi e do*s5 A turd on't# said the skipper to his preachin* passen*er# hat a(iddle>(addle ha e e here5 There is too lon* a lecture by hal(3 sell him i( thou ilt+ i( thou on't# don't let the man lose more time%I hate a *ibble>*abble and a rimble>ramble talk% I am (or a man o( bre ity% I ill# (or your sake# replied the holder>(orth+ but then he

shall *i e me three li res# French money# (or each pick and choose% It is a oundy price# cried Panur*e+ in our country I could ha e(i e# nay si2# (or the money+ see that you do not o erreach me# master% &ou are not the (irst man hom I ha e kno n to ha e(allen# e en sometimes to the endan*erin*# i( not breakin*# o( his o n neck# (or endea ourin* to rise all at once% A murrain sei ethee (or a blockheaded booby# cried the an*ry seller o( sheep+ by the orthy o o( "ur !ady o( $harrou2# the orst in this (lockis (our times better than those hich the $ora2ians in Tuditania# a country o( -pain# used to sell (or a *old talent each+ and homuch dost thou think# thou .ibernian (ool# that a talent o( *old as orth5 - eet sir# you (all into a passion# I see# returnedPanur*e+ ell# hold# here is your money% Panur*e# ha in* paid his money# chose him out o( all the (lock a (ine toppin* ram+ and ashe as haulin* it alon*# cryin* out and bleatin*# all the rest# hearin* and bleatin* in concert# stared to see hither their brother>ramshould be carried% In the mean hile the dro er as sayin* to his shepherds3 Ah4 ho ell the kna e could choose him out a ram+the horeson has skill in cattle% "n my honest ord# I reser ed that ery piece o( (lesh (or the !ord o( $ancale# ell kno in* hisdisposition+ (or the *ood man is naturally o er,oyed hen he holds a *ood>si ed handsome shoulder o( mutton# instead o( a le(t>handed racket# in one hand# ith a *ood sharp car er in the other% 0od ot# ho he belabours himsel( then%


17/92

.o Panur*e caused Din*don* and his sheep to be dro ned in the sea

"n a sudden# you ould onder ho the thin* as so soon done>>(or my part I cannot tell you# (or I had not leisure to mind it>>our (riend Panur*e# ithout any (urther tittle>tattle# thro s you his ram o erboard into the middle o( the sea# bleatin* and makin* a sadnoise% pon this all the other sheep in the ship# cryin* and bleatin* in the same tone# made all the haste they could to leap nimblyinto the sea# one a(ter another+ and *reat as the thron* ho should leap in (irst a(ter their leader% It as impossible to hinder them+(or you kno that it is the nature o( sheep al ays to (ollo the (irst heresoe er it *oes+ hich makes Aristotle# lib% H% De% .ist%Animal%# mark them (or the most silly and (oolish animals in the orld% Din*don*# at his its' end# and stark starin* mad# as a man

ho sa his sheep destroy and dro n themsel es be(ore his (ace# stro e to hinder and keep them back ith mi*ht and main+ butall in ain3 they all one a(ter t'other (risked and ,umped into the sea# and ere lost% At last he laid hold on a hu*e sturdy one by the(leece# upon the deck o( the ship# hopin* to keep it back# and so sa e that and the rest+ but the ram as so stron* that it pro ed toohard (or him# and carried its master into the herrin* pond in spite o( his teeth>> here it is supposed he drank some hat more thanhis (ill# so that he as dro ned>>in the same manner as one>eyed Polyphemus' sheep carried out o( the den lysses and hiscompanions% The like happened to the shepherds and all their *an*# some layin* hold on their belo ed tup# this by the horns# t'other

by the le*s# a third by the rump# and others by the (leece+ till in (ine they ere all o( them (orced to sea# and dro ned like so manyrats% Panur*e# on the *unnel o( the ship# ith an oar in his hand# not to help them you may s ear# but to keep them (rom s immin*to the ship and sa in* themsel es (rom dro nin*# preached and canted to them all the hile like any little Friar 9"li er:


18/92

.o Panta*ruel arri ed at the island o( Ennasin# and o( the stran*e ays o( bein* akin in that country

We had still the ind at south>south> est# and had been a hole day ithout makin* land% "n the third day# at the (lies' uprisin*9 hich# you kno # is some t o or three hours a(ter the sun's:# e *ot si*ht o( a trian*ular island# ery much like -icily (or its (ormand situation% It as called the Island o( Alliances%

The people there are much like your carrot>pated Poite ins# sa e only that all o( them# men# omen# and children# ha e their nosesshaped like an ace o( clubs% For that reason the ancient name o( the country as Ennasin% They ere all akin# as the mayor o( the

place told us+ at least they boasted so%

&ou people o( the other orld esteem it a onder(ul thin* that# out o( the (amily o( the Fabii at Rome# on a certain day# hich asthe Cth o( February# at a certain *ate# hich as the Porta $armentalis# since named -celerata# (ormerly situated at the (oot o( the$apitol# bet een the Tarpeian rock and the Tiber# marched out a*ainst the Geientes o( Etruria three hundred and si2 men bearin*arms# all related to each other# ith (i e thousand other soldiers# e ery one o( them their assals# ho ere all slain near the ri er$remera# that comes out o( the lake o( Beccano% 6o (rom this same country o( Ennasin# in case o( need# abo e three hundredthousand# all relations and o( one (amily# mi*ht march out% Their de*rees o( consan*uinity and alliance are ery stran*e+ (or bein*thus akin and allied to one another# e (ound that none as either (ather or mother# brother or sister# uncle or aunt# nephe orniece# son>in>la or dau*hter>in>la # *od(ather or *odmother# to the other+ unless# truly# a tall (lat>nosed old (ello # ho# as I

percei ed# called a little shitten>arsed *irl o( three or (our years old# (ather# and the child called him dau*hter%

Their distinction o( de*rees o( kindred as thus3 a man used to call a oman# my lean bit+ the oman called him# my porpoise%Those# said Friar 1ohn# must needs stink damnably o( (ish hen they ha e rubbed their bacon one ith the other% "ne# smilin* on ayoun* bu2om ba**a*e# said# 0ood morro # dear currycomb% -he# to return him his ci ility# said# The like to you# my steed% .a4 ha4ha4 said Panur*e# that is pretty ell# in (aith+ (or indeed it stands her in *ood stead to currycomb this steed% Another *reeted his

buttock ith a Fare ell# my case% -he replied# Adieu# trial% By -t% Wini(red's placket# cried 0ymnast# this case has been o(ten tried%Another asked a she>(riend o( his# .o is it# hatchet5 -he ans ered him# At your ser ice# dear hel e% "dds belly# saith $arpalin#this hel e and this hatchet are ell matched% As e ent on# I sa one ho# callin* his she>relation# styled her my crumb# and shecalled him# my crust%

8uoth one to a brisk# plump# ,uicy (emale# I am *lad to see you# dear tap% -o am I to (ind you so merry# s eet spi**ot# replied she%"ne called a ench# his sho el+ she called him# her peal3 one named his# my slipper+ and she# my (oot3 another# my boot+ she# myshasoon%

In the same de*ree o( kindred# one called his# my butter+ she called him# my e**s+ and they ere akin ,ust like a dish o( butterede**s% I heard one call his# my tripe# and she him# my (a**ot% 6o I could not# (or the heart's blood o( me# pick out or disco er hat parenta*e# alliance# a((inity# or consan*uinity as bet een them# ith re(erence to our custom+ only they told us that she as(a**ot's tripe% 9Tripe de (a*ot means the smallest sticks in a (a**ot%: Another# complimentin* his con enient# said# &ours# my shell+she replied# I as yours be(ore# s eet oyster% I reckon# said $arpalin# she hath *utted his oyster% Another lon*>shanked u*ly ro*ue#mounted on a pair o( hi*h>heeled ooden slippers# meetin* a strappin*# (usty# s)uabbed do dy# says he to her# .o is't my top5-he as short upon him# and arro*antly replied# 6e er the better (or you# my hip% By -t% Antony's ho*# said enomanes# I

belie e so+ (or ho can this hip be su((icient to lash this top5

A colle*e pro(essor# ell pro ided ith cod# and po dered and prinked up# ha in* a hile discoursed ith a *reat lady# takin* hislea e ith these ords# Thank you# s eetmeat+ she cried# There needs no thanks# sour>sauce% -aith Panta*ruel# This is notalto*ether incon*ruous# (or s eet meat must ha e sour sauce% A ooden lo**erhead said to a youn* ench# It is lon* since I sayou# ba*+ All the better# cried she# pipe% -et them to*ether# said Panur*e# then blo in their arses# it ill be a ba*pipe% We sa # a(ter

that# a diminuti e humpbacked *allant# pretty near us# takin* lea e o( a she>relation o( his# thus3 Fare thee ell# (riend hole+ shereparteed# -a e thee# (riend pe*% 8uoth Friar 1ohn# What could they say more# ere he all pe* and she all hole5 But no ould I*i e somethin* to kno i( e ery cranny o( the hole can be stopped up ith that same pe*%

A ba dy bachelor# talkin* ith an old trout# as sayin*# Remember# rusty *un% I ill not (ail# said she# scourer% Do you reckonthese t o to be akin5 said Panta*ruel to the mayor% I rather take them to be (oes% In our country a oman ould take this as amortal a((ront% 0ood people o( t'other orld# replied the mayor# you ha e (e such and so near relations as this *un and scourer areto one another+ (or they both come out o( one shop% What# as the shop their mother5 )uoth Panur*e% What mother# said the mayor#does the man mean5 That must be some o( your orld's a((inity+ e ha e here neither (ather nor mother% &our little paltry (ello sthat li e on t'other side the ater# poor ro*ues# booted ith isps o( hay# may indeed ha e such+ but e scorn it% The *oodPanta*ruel stood *a in* and listenin*+ but at those ords he had like to ha e lost all patience% 9.ere >'os kainun o Ermeneutes% P%


19/92

.a in* ery e2actly ie ed the situation o( the island and the ay o( li in* o( the Enassed nation# e ent to take a cup o( thecreature at a ta ern# here there happened to be a eddin* a(ter the manner o( the country% Batin* that shockin* custom# there asspecial *ood cheer%

While e ere there# a pleasant match as struck up bet i2t a (emale called Pear 9a ti*ht thin*# as e thou*ht# but by some# hokne better thin*s# said to be )ua**y and (labby:# and a youn* so(t male# called $heese# some hat sandy% 9


20/92

.o Panta*ruel ent ashore at the island o( $hely# here he sa ;in* -t% Pani*on

We sailed ri*ht be(ore the ind# hich e had at est# lea in* those odd alliancers ith their ace>o(>clubs snouts# and ha in*taken hei*ht by the sun# stood in (or $hely# a lar*e# (ruit(ul# ealthy# and ell>peopled island% ;in* -t% Pani*on# (irst o( the name#rei*ned there# and# attended by the princes his sons and the nobles o( his court# came as (ar as the port to recei e Panta*ruel# andconducted him to his palace+ near the *ate o( hich the )ueen# attended by the princesses her dau*hters and the court ladies#recei ed us% Pani*on directed her and all her retinue to salute Panta*ruel and his men ith a kiss+ (or such as the ci il custom o(the country+ and they ere all (airly bussed accordin*ly# e2cept Friar 1ohn# ho stepped aside and sneaked o(( amon* the kin*'so((icers% Pani*on used all the entreaties ima*inable to persuade Panta*ruel to tarry there that day and the ne2t+ but he ould needs

be *one# and e2cused himsel( upon the opportunity o( ind and eather# hich# bein* o(tener desired than en,oyed# ou*ht not to be ne*lected hen it comes% Pani*on# ha in* heard these reasons# let us *o# but (irst made us take o(( some (i e>and>t enty orthirty bumpers each%

Panta*ruel# returnin* to the port# missed Friar 1ohn# and asked hy he as not ith the rest o( the company% Panur*e could not tellho to e2cuse him# and ould ha e *one back to the palace to call him# hen Friar 1ohn o ertook them# and merrily cried# !on*li e the noble Pani*on4 As I lo e my belly# he minds *ood eatin*# and keeps a noble house and a dainty kitchen% I ha e been there#

boys% E erythin* *oes about by do ens% I as in *ood hopes to ha e stu((ed my puddin*s there like a monk% What4 al ays in akitchen# (riend5 said Panta*ruel% By the belly o( -t% $ramcapon# )uoth the (riar# I understand the customs and ceremonies hichare used there much better than all the (ormal stu((# anti)ue postures# and nonsensical (iddle>(addle that must be used ith those

omen# ma*ni ma*na# shittencumshita# crin*es# *rimaces# scrapes# bo s# and con*ees+ double honours this ay# triple salutes thatay# the embrace# the *rasp# the s)uee e# the hu*# the leer# the smack# baso las manos de ostra merce# de ostra maesta% &ou are

most tarabin# tarabas# -tront+ that's do nri*ht Dutch% Why all this ado5 I don't say but a man mi*ht be (or a bit by the bye anda ay# to be doin* as ell as his nei*hbours+ but this little nasty crin*in* and courtesyin* made me as mad as any


21/92

Why monks lo e to be in kitchens

This# said Epistemon# is spoke like a true monk+ I mean like a ri*ht monkin* monk# not a bemonked monastical monklin*% Trulyyou put me in mind o( some passa*es that happened at Florence# some t enty years a*o# in a company o( studious tra ellers# (ondo( isitin* the learned# and seein* the anti)uities o( Italy# amon* hom I as% As e ie ed the situation and beauty o( Florence#the structure o( the dome# the ma*ni(icence o( the churches and palaces# e stro e to outdo one another in *i in* them their due+

hen a certain monk o( Amiens# Bernard !ardon by name# )uite an*ry# scandali ed# and out o( all patience# told us# I don't knohat the de il you can (ind in this same to n# that is so much cried up+ (or my part I ha e looked and pored and stared as ell as

the best o( you+ I think my eyesi*ht is as clear as another body's# and hat can one see a(ter all5 There are (ine houses# indeed andthat's all% But the ca*e does not (eed the birds% 0od and a>pie to the teeth# andmounted like -t% 0eor*e# yet sneaked o((# and played least in si*ht durin* the en*a*ement% Blood and oons# ans ered Breton# I

as there# and can pro e it easily+ nay# e en here you# my lord# dared not ha e been% The duke be*an to resent this as too rashand saucy+ but Breton easily appeased him# and set them all a>lau*hin*% E*ad# my lord# )uoth he# I kept out o( harm's ay+ I asall the hile ith your pa*e 1ack# skulkin* in a certain place here you had not dared hide your head as I did% Thus discoursin*#they *ot to their ships# and le(t the island o( $hely%


22/92

.o Panta*ruel passed by the land o( Petti(o**in*# and o( the stran*e ay o( li in* amon* the $atchpoles

-teerin* our course (or ards the ne2t day# e passed throu*h Petti(o**in*# a country all blurred and blotted# so that I could hardlytell hat to make on't% There e sa some petti(o**ers and catchpoles# ro*ues that ill han* their (ather (or a *roat% They neitherin ited us to eat or drink+ but# ith a multiplied train o( scrapes and crin*es# said they ere all at our ser ice (or the !e*em pone%

"ne o( our dro**ermen related to Panta*ruel their stran*e ay o( li in*# diametrically opposed to that o( our modern Romans+ (orat Rome a orld o( (olks *et an honest li elihood by poisonin*# drubbin*# lambastin*# stabbin*# and murtherin*+ but the catchpolesearn theirs by bein* thrashed+ so that i( they ere lon* ithout a ti*ht lambastin*# the poor do*s ith their i es and children

ould be star ed% This is ,ust# )uoth Panur*e# like those ho# as 0alen tells us# cannot erect the ca ernous ner e to ards thee)uinoctial circle unless they are soundly (lo**ed% By -t% Patrick's slipper# hoe er should ,erk me so# ould soon# instead o(settin* me ri*ht# thro me o(( the saddle# in the de il's name%

The ay is this# said the interpreter% When a monk# le ite# close>(isted usurer# or la yer o es a *rud*e to some nei*hbourin**entleman# he sends to him one o( those catchpoles or apparitors# ho nabs# or at least cites him# ser es a rit or arrant uponhim# thumps# abuses# and a((ronts him impudently by natural instinct# and accordin* to his pious instructions+ insomuch# that i( the*entleman hath but any *uts in his brains# and is not more stupid than a *yrin (ro*# he ill (ind himsel( obli*ed either to apply a(a**ot>stick or his s ord to the rascal's ,obberno l# *i e him the *entle lash# or make him cut a caper out at the indo # by ay o( correction% This done# $atchpole is rich (or (our months at least# as i( bastinadoes ere his real har est+ (or the monk# le ite#usurer# or la yer ill re ard him roundly+ and my *entleman must pay him such s in*ein* dama*es that his acres must bleed (orit# and he be in dan*er o( miserably rottin* ithin a stone doublet# as i( he had struck the kin*%

8uoth Panur*e# I kno an e2cellent remedy a*ainst this used by the !ord o( Basche% What is it5 said Panta*ruel% The !ord o(Basche# said Panur*e# as a bra e# honest# noble>spirited *entleman# ho# at his return (rom the lon* ar in hich the Duke o(Ferrara# ith the help o( the French# bra ely de(ended himsel( a*ainst the (ury o( Pope 1ulius the -econd# as e ery day cited#

arned# and prosecuted at the suit and (or the sport and (ancy o( the (at prior o( -t% !ouant%

"ne mornin*# as he as at break(ast ith some o( his domestics 9(or he lo ed to be sometimes amon* them: he sent (or one !oire#his baker# and his spouse# and (or one "udart# the icar o( his parish# ho as also his butler# as the custom as then in France+then said to them be(ore his *entlemen and other ser ants3 &ou all see ho I am daily pla*ued ith these rascally catchpoles%Truly# i( you do not lend me your helpin* hand# I am (inally resol ed to lea e the country# and *o (i*ht (or the sultan# or the de il#rather than be thus eternally teased% There(ore# to be rid o( their damned isits# herea(ter# hen any o( them come here# be ready#you baker and your i(e# to make your personal appearance in my *reat hall# in your eddin* clothes# as i( you ere *oin* to be

a((ianced% .ere# take these ducats# hich I *i e you to keep you in a (ittin* *arb% As (or you# -ir "udart# be sure you make your personal appearance there in your (ine surplice and stole# not (or*ettin* your holy ater# as i( you ere to ed them% Be you therealso# Trudon# said he to his drummer# ith your pipe and tabor% The (orm o( matrimony must be read# and the bride kissed+ then allo( you# as the itnesses used to do in this country# shall *i e one another the remembrance o( the eddin*# hich you kno is to

be a blo ith your (ist# biddin* the party struck remember the nuptials by that token% This ill but make you ha e the betterstomach to your supper+ but hen you come to the catchpole's turn# thrash him thrice and three(old# as you ould a shea( o( *reencorn+ do not spare him+ maul him# drub him# lambast him# s in*e him o((# I pray you% .ere# take these steel *auntlets# co ered

ith kid% .ead# back# belly# and sides# *i e him blo s innumerable+ he that *i es him most shall be my best (riend% Fear not to becalled to an account about it+ I ill stand by you+ (or the blo s must seem to be *i en in ,est# as it is customary amon* us at all

eddin*s%

Ay# but ho shall e kno the catchpole5 said the man o( 0od% All sorts o( people daily resort to this castle% I ha e taken care o(that# replied the lord% When some (ello # either on (oot# or on a scur y ,ade# ith a lar*e broad sil er rin* on his thumb# comes to

the door# he is certainly a catchpole+ the porter ha in* ci illy let him in# shall rin* the bell+ then be all ready# and come into thehall# to act the tra*i>comedy hose plot I ha e no laid (or you%

That numerical day# as chance ould ha e it# came an old (at ruddy catchpole% .a in* knocked at the *ate# and then pissed# asmost men ill do# the porter soon (ound him out# by his lar*e *reasy spatterdashes# his ,aded hollo >(lanked mare# his ba*(ul o(

rits and in(ormations dan*lin* at his *irdle# but# abo e all# by the lar*e sil er hoop on his le(t thumb%

The porter as ci il to him# admitted him in kindly# and run* the bell briskly% As soon as the baker and his i(e heard it# theyclapped on their best clothes# and made their personal appearance in the hall# keepin* their *ra ities like a ne >made ,ud*e% Thedominie put on his surplice and stole# and as he came out o( his o((ice# met the catchpole# had him in there# and made him suck his(ace a *ood hile# hile the *auntlets ere dra in* on all hands+ and then told him# &ou are come ,ust in puddin*>time+ my lord isin his ri*ht cue% We shall (east like kin*s anon+ here is to be s in*ein* doin*s+ e ha e a eddin* in the house+ here# drink andcheer up+ pull a ay%


23/92


24/92

.o # like >so he called his one>eyed mare>>Basche sent (or his lady# her omen# and all hisser ants# into the arbour o( his *arden+ had ine brou*ht# attended ith *ood store o( pasties# hams# (ruit# and other table>ammunition# (or a nunchion+ drank ith them ,oy(ully# and then told them this story3

so they call a youn* mare that asne er leaped yet >> as *one a>mumpin* to -t% !i*arius# and ould be back about t o in the a(ternoon% ;no in* this# he made aca alcade o( his de ils o( the Passion throu*h the to n% They ere all ri**ed ith ol es'# cal es'# and rams' skins# laced andtrimmed ith sheep's heads# bull's (eathers# and lar*e kitchen tenterhooks# *irt ith broad leathern *irdles# hereat han*eddan*lin* hu*e co >bells and horse>bells# hich made a horrid din% -ome held in their cla s black sticks (ull o( s)uibs andcrackers+ others had lon* li*hted pieces o( ood# upon hich# at the corner o( e ery street# they (lun* hole hand(uls o( rosin>dust#that made a terrible (ire and smoke% .a in* thus led them about# to the *reat di ersion o( the mob and the dread(ul (ear o( littlechildren# he (inally carried them to an entertainment at a summer>house ithout the *ate that leads to -t% !i*arius%

As they came near to the place# he espied Tickletoby a(ar o((# comin* home (rom mumpin*# and told them in macaronic erse3

.ic est de patria# natus# de *ente belistra# 8ui solet anti)ua bribas portare bisacco% 9


25/92

(reely% Then you# my *entlemen o( the horse# take these t o sil er>*ilt cups# and let not the pa*es be horse hipped these threemonths%


26/92

A (urther account o( catchpoles ho ere drubbed at Basche's house

Four days a(ter another youn*# lon*>shanked# ra >boned catchpole comin* to ser e Basche ith a rit at the (at prior's re)uest#as no sooner at the *ate but the porter smelt him out and run* the bell+ at hose second pull all the (amily understood the

mystery% !oire as kneadin* his dou*h+ his i(e as si(tin* meal+ "udart as topin* in his o((ice+ the *entlemen ere playin* attennis+ the !ord Basche at in>and>out ith my lady+ the aitin*>men and *entle> omen at push>pin+ the o((icers at lanterloo# andthe pa*es at hot>cockles# *i in* one another smart ban*s% They ere all immediately in(ormed that a catchpole as housed%

pon this "udart put on his sacerdotal# and !oire and his i(e their nuptial bad*es+ Trudon piped it# and then tabored it like mad+all made haste to *et ready# not (or*ettin* the *auntlets% Basche ent into the out ard yard+ there the catchpole meetin* him (ell onhis marro >bones# be**ed o( him not to take it ill i( he ser ed him ith a rit at the suit o( the (at prior+ and in a pathetic speechlet him kno that he as a public person# a ser ant to the monkin* tribe# apparitor to the abbatial mitre# ready to do as much (orhim# nay# (or the least o( his ser ants# hensoe er he ould employ and use him%

6ay# truly# said the lord# you shall not ser e your rit till you ha e tasted some o( my *ood 8uin)uenays ine# and been a itnessto a eddin* hich e are to ha e this ery minute% !et him drink and re(resh himsel(# added he# turnin* to ards the le itical

butler# and then brin* him into the hall% A(ter hich# $atchpole# ell stu((ed and moistened# came ith "udart to the place hereall the actors in the (arce stood ready to be*in% The si*ht o( their *ame set them a>lau*hin*# and the messen*er o( mischie( *rinnedalso (or company's sake% Then the mysterious ords ere muttered to and by the couple# their hands ,oined# the bride bussed# andall besprinkled ith holy ater% While they ere brin*in* ine and kicksha s# thumps be*an to trot about by do ens% Thecatchpole *a e the le ite se eral blo s% "udart# ho had his *auntlet hid under his canonical shirt# dra s it on like a mitten# andthen# ith his clenched (ist# souse he (ell on the catchpole and mauled him like a de il+ the ,unior *auntlets dropped on himlike ise like so many batterin* rams% Remember the eddin* by this# by that# by these blo s# said they% In short# they stroked himso to the purpose that he pissed blood out at mouth# nose# ears# and eyes# and as bruised# th acked# battered# bebumped# andcrippled at the back# neck# breast# arms# and so (orth% 6e er did the bachelors at A i*non in carni al time play more melodiously atraphe than as then played on the catchpole's microcosm% At last do n he (ell%

They thre a *reat deal o( ine on his snout# tied round the slee e o( his doublet a (ine yello and *reen (a our# and *ot him uponhis snotty beast# and 0od kno s ho he *ot to !'Isle Bouchart+ here I cannot truly tell you hether he as dressed and lookeda(ter or no# both by his spouse and the able doctors o( the country+ (or the thin* ne er came to my ears%

The ne2t day they had a third part to the same tune# because it did not appear by the lean catchpole's ba* that he had ser ed hisrit% -o the (at prior sent a ne catchpole# at the head o( a brace o( bums (or his *arde du corps# to summon my lord% The porter

rin*in* the bell# the hole (amily as o er,oyed# kno in* that it as another ro*ue% Basche as at dinner ith his lady and the*entlemen+ so he sent (or the catchpole# made him sit by him# and the bums by the omen# and made them eat till their belliescracked ith their breeches unbuttoned% The (ruit bein* ser ed# the catchpole arose (rom table# and be(ore the bums cited Basche%Basche kindly asked him (or a copy o( the arrant# hich the other had *ot ready+ he then takes itness and a copy o( thesummons% To the catchpole and his bums he ordered (our ducats (or ci ility money% In the meantime all ere ithdra n (or the(arce% -o Trudon *a e the alarm ith his tabor% Basche desired the catchpole to stay and see one o( his ser ants married# and

itness the contract o( marria*e# payin* him his (ee% The catchpole slapdash as ready# took out his inkhorn# *ot paperimmediately# and his bums by him%

Then !oire came into the hall at one door# and his i(e ith the *entle omen at another# in nuptial accoutrements% "udart# in ponti(icalibus# takes them both by their hands# asketh them their ill# *i eth them the matrimonial blessin*# and as ery liberal o( holy ater% The contract ritten# si*ned# and re*istered# on one side as brou*ht ine and com(its+ on the other# hite and oran*e>ta ny>coloured (a ours ere distributed+ on another# *auntlets pri ately handed about%


27/92

.o the ancient custom at nuptials is rene ed by the catchpole

The catchpole# ha in* made shi(t to *et do n a s in*ein* sneaker o( Breton ine# said to Basche# Pray# sir# hat do you mean5&ou do not *i e one another the memento o( the eddin*% By -t% 1oseph's ooden shoe# all *ood customs are (or*ot% We (ind the(orm# but the hare is scampered+ and the nest# but the birds are (lo n% There are no true (riends no adays% &ou see ho # in se eralchurches# the ancient laudable custom o( tipplin* on account o( the blessed saints " "# at $hristmas# is come to nothin*% The orldis in its dota*e# and doomsday is certainly comin* all so (ast% 6o come on+ the eddin*# the eddin*# the eddin*+ remember it

by this% This he said# strikin* Basche and his lady+ then her omen and the le ite% Then the tabor beat a point o( ar# and the*auntlets be*an to do their duty+ insomuch that the catchpole had his cro n cracked in no less than nine places% "ne o( the bumshad his ri*ht arm put out o( ,oint# and the other his upper ,a >bone or mandibule dislocated so that it hid hal( his chin# ith adenudation o( the u ula# and sad loss o( the molar# masticatory# and canine teeth% Then the tabor beat a retreat+ the *auntlets erecare(ully hid in a trice# and s eetmeats a(resh distributed to rene the mirth o( the company% -o they all drank to one another# andespecially to the catchpole and his bums% But "udart cursed and damned the eddin* to the pit o( hell# complainin* that one o( the

bums had utterly disincorni(istibulated his nether shoulder>blade% 6e ertheless# he scorned to be thou*ht a (lincher# and made shi(tto tope to him on the s)uare%

The ,a less bum shru**ed up his shoulders# ,oined his hands# and by si*ns be**ed his pardon+ (or speak he could not% The sham bride*room made his moan# that the crippled bum had struck him such a horrid thump ith his shoulder>o(>mutton (ist on thenether elbo that he as *ro n )uite esperru)uanchu elubelou erireliced do n to his ery heel# to the no small loss o( mistress

bride%

But hat harm had poor I done5 cried Trudon# hidin* his le(t eye ith his kerchie(# and sho in* his tabor cracked on one side+they ere not satis(ied ith thus poachin*# black and bluin*# andmorrambou e e en*ou e)uo)uemor*asacba)ue e inema((relidin* my poor eyes# but they ha e also broke my harmless drum%Drums indeed are commonly beaten at eddin*s# and it is (it they should+ but drummers are ell entertained and ne er beaten%

6o let Beel ebub e'en take the drum# to make his de ilship a ni*htcap% Brother# said the lame catchpole# ne er (ret thysel(+ I illmake thee a present o( a (ine# lar*e# old patent# hich I ha e here in my ba*# to patch up thy drum# and (or >d>man%This is# o' my ord# e en ,ust such another (east as as that o( the !apithae# described by the philosopher o( -amosata% "ne o( the

bums had lost his ton*ue% The other t o# tho' they had more need to complain# made their e2cuse as ell as they could# protestin*that they had no ill desi*n in this dumb(oundin*+ be**in* that# (or *oodness sake# they ould (or*i e them+ and so# tho' they couldhardly bud*e a (oot# or a* alon*# a ay they cra led% About a mile (rom Basche's seat# the catchpole (ound himsel( some hat outo( sorts% The bums *ot to !'Isle Bouchart# publicly sayin* that since they ere born they had ne er seen an honester *entlemanthan the !ord o( Basche# or ci iller people than his# and that they had ne er been at the like eddin* 9 hich I erily belie e:+ butthat it as their o n (aults i( they had been tickled o((# and tossed about (rom post to pillar# since themsel es had be*an the

beatin*% -o they li ed I cannot e2actly tell you ho many days a(ter this% But (rom that time to this it as held (or a certain truththat Basche's money as more pestilential# mortal# and pernicious to the catchpoles and bums than ere (ormerly the aurumTholosanum and the -e,an horse to those that possessed them% E er since this he li ed )uietly# and Basche's eddin* *re into acommon pro erb%


28/92

.o Friar 1ohn made trial o( the nature o( the catchpoles

This story ould seem pleasant enou*h# said Panta*ruel# ere e not to ha e al ays the (ear o( 0od be(ore our eyes% It had been better# said Epistemon# i( those *auntlets had (allen upon the (at prior% -ince he took a pleasure in spendin* his money partly to e2Basche# partly to see those catchpoles ban*ed# *ood lusty thumps ould ha e done ell on his sha ed cro n# considerin* thehorrid concussions no adays amon* those puny ,ud*es% What harm had done those poor de ils the catchpoles5 This puts me inmind# said Panta*ruel# o( an ancient Roman named !% 6eratius% .e as o( noble blood# and (or some time as rich+ but had thistyrannical inclination# that hene er he ent out o( doors he caused his ser ants to (ill their pockets ith *old and sil er# andmeetin* in the street your spruce *allants and better sort o( beau2# ithout the least pro ocation# (or his (ancy# he used to strikethem hard on the (ace ith his (ist+ and immediately a(ter that# to appease them and hinder them (rom complainin* to thema*istrates# he ould *i e them as much money as satis(ied them accordin* to the la o( the t el e tables% Thus he used to spendhis re enue# beatin* people (or the price o( his money% By -t% Bennet's sacred boot# )uoth Friar 1ohn# I ill kno the truth o( it

presently%

This said# he ent on shore# put his hand in his (ob# and took out t enty ducats+ then said ith a loud oice# in the hearin* o( ashoal o( the nation o( catchpoles# Who ill earn t enty ducats (or bein* beaten like the de il5 Io# Io# Io# said they all+ you illcripple us (or e er# sir# that is most certain+ but the money is temptin*% With this they ere all thron*in* ho should be (irst to bethus preciously beaten% Friar 1ohn sin*led him out o( the hole knot o( these ro*ues in *rain# a red>snouted catchpole# ho uponhis ri*ht thumb ore a thick broad sil er hoop# herein as set a *ood lar*e toadstone% .e had no sooner picked him out (rom therest# but I percei ed that they all muttered and *rumbled+ and I heard a youn* thin>,a ed catchpole# a notable scholar# a pretty(ello at his pen# and# accordin* to public report# much cried up (or his honesty at Doctors' $ommons# makin* his complaint andmutterin* because this same crimson phi carried a ay all the practice# and that i( there ere but a score and a hal( o( bastinadoesto be *ot# he ould certainly run a ay ith ei*ht and t enty o( them% But all this as looked upon to be nothin* but mere en y%

Friar 1ohn so unmerci(ully thrashed# thumped# and belaboured Red>snout# back and belly# sides# le*s# and arms# head# (eet# and so(orth# ith the home and (re)uently repeated application o( one o( the best members o( a (a**ot# that I took him to be a dead man+then he *a e him the t enty ducats# hich made the do* *et on his le*s# pleased like a little kin* or t o% The rest ere sayin* toFriar 1ohn# -ir# sir# brother de il# i( it please you to do us the (a our to beat some o( us (or less money# e are all at your de ilship'scommand# ba*s# papers# pens# and all% Red>snout cried out a*ainst them# sayin*# ith a loud oice# Body o( me# you little pri*s#

ill you o((er to take the bread out o( my mouth5 ill you take my bar*ain o er my head5 ould you dra and in ei*le (rom memy clients and customers5 Take notice# I summon you be(ore the o((icial this day se enni*ht+ I ill la and cla you like any oldde il o( Gau erd# that I ill>>Then turnin* himsel( to ards Friar 1ohn# ith a smilin* and ,oy(ul look# he said to him# Re erend(ather in the de il# i( you ha e (ound me a *ood hide# and ha e a mind to di ert yoursel( once more by beatin* your humble

ser ant# I ill bate you hal( in hal( this time rather than lose your custom+ do not spare me# I beseech you+ I am all# and more thanall# yours# *ood land had been made to cut a caper on nothin*% $ut a caper on nothin*# said 0ymnast+ my pa*es use to cut capers onthe *round+ to cut a caper on nothin* should be han*in* and chokin*# or I am out% Ay# ay# said Friar 1ohn+ you speak o( it like -t%1ohn de la Palisse%

We asked them hy they treated these orthy persons ith such a chokin* hempen salad% They told us they had only borro ed#

alias stolen# the tools o( the mass and hid them under the handle o( the parish% This is a ery alle*orical ay o( speakin*# saidEpistemon%


29/92

.o Panta*ruel came to the islands o( Tohu and Bohu+ and o( the stran*e death o( Wide>nostrils# the s allo er o( indmills

That day Panta*ruel came to the t o islands o( Tohu and Bohu# here the de il a bit e could (ind anythin* to (ry ith% For oneWide>nostrils# a hu*e *iant# had s allo ed e ery indi idual pan# skillet# kettle# (ryin*>pan# drippin*>pan# and brass and iron pot inthe land# (or ant o( indmills# hich ere his daily (ood% Whence it happened that some hat be(ore day# about the hour o( hisdi*estion# the *reedy churl as taken ery ill ith a kind o( a sur(eit# or crudity o( stomach# occasioned# as the physicians said# bythe eakness o( the concoctin* (aculty o( his stomach# naturally disposed to di*est hole indmills at a *ust# yet unable toconsume per(ectly the pans and skillets+ thou*h it had indeed pretty ell di*ested the kettles and pots# as they said they kne bythe hypostases and eneoremes o( (our tubs o( second>hand drink hich he had e acuated at t o di((erent times that mornin*% Theymade use o( di ers remedies# accordin* to art# to *i e him ease+ but all ould not do+ the distemper pre ailed o er the remedies+insomuch that the (amous Wide>nostrils died that mornin* o( so stran*e a death that I think you ou*ht no lon*er to onder at thato( the poet Aeschylus% It had been (oretold him by the soothsayers that he ould die on a certain day by the ruin o( somethin* thatshould (all on him% The (atal day bein* come in its turn# he remo ed himsel( out o( to n# (ar (rom all houses# trees# 9rocks#: or anyother thin*s that can (all and endan*er by their ruin+ and strayed in a lar*e (ield# trustin* himsel( to the open sky+ there ery secure#as he thou*ht# unless indeed the sky should happen to (all# hich he held to be impossible% &et they say that the larks are mucha(raid o( it+ (or i( it should (all# they must all be taken%

The $elts that once li ed near the Rhine>>they are our noble aliant French>>in ancient times ere also a(raid o( the sky's (allin*+(or bein* asked by Ale2ander the 0reat hat they (eared most in this orld# hopin* ell they ould say that they (eared none buthim# considerin* his *reat achie ements# they made ans er that they (eared nothin* but the sky's (allin*+ ho e er# not re(usin* toenter into a con(ederacy ith so bra e a kin*# i( you belie e -trabo# lib% J# and Arrian# lib% I%

Plutarch also# in his book o( the (ace that appears on the body o( the moon# speaks o( one Phenaces# ho ery much (eared themoon should (all on the earth# and pitied those that li e under that planet# as the Aethiopians and Taprobanians# i( so hea y a masse er happened to (all on them# and ould ha e (eared the like o( hea en and earth had they not been duly propped up and borne bythe Atlantic pillars# as the ancients belie ed# accordin* to Aristotle's testimony# lib% =# stone% 6or atthat o( Fabius the Roman praetor# ho as choked ith a sin*le *oat's hair as he as suppin* up a porrin*er o( milk% 6or at thedeath o( that bash(ul (ool# ho by holdin* in his ind# and (or ant o( lettin* out a bum>*unshot# died suddenly in the presence o(the Emperor $laudius% 6or at that o( the Italian buried on the Gia Flaminia at Rome# ho in his epitaph complains that the bite o( a

she>puss on his little (in*er as the cause o( his death% 6or o( that o( 8% !ecanius Bassus# ho died suddenly o( so small a prickith a needle on his le(t thumb that it could hardly be discerned% 6or o( 8uenelault# a 6orman physician# ho died suddenly athun* ass *ot into the house#and seein* the (i*s on the table# ithout (urther in itation soberly (ell to% Philomenes comin* into the room and nicely obser in*

ith hat *ra ity the ass ate its dinner# said to the man# ho as come back# -ince thou hast set (i*s here (or this re erend *uest o( ours to eat# methinks it is but reason thou also *i e him some o( this ine to drink% .e had no sooner said this# but he as soe2cessi ely pleased# and (ell into so e2orbitant a (it o( lau*hter# that the use o( his spleen took that o( his breath utterly a ay# andhe immediately died% 6or o( -purius -au(eius# ho died suppin* up a so(t>boiled e** as he came out o( a bath% 6or o( him ho# asBoccaccio tells us# died suddenly by pickin* his *rinders ith a sa*e>stalk% 6or o( Phillipot Placut# ho bein* brisk and hale# (elldead as he as payin* an old debt+ hich causes# perhaps# many not to pay theirs# (or (ear o( the like accident% 6or o( the painter

eu2is# ho killed himsel( ith lau*hin* at the si*ht o( the anti)ue ,obberno l o( an old ha* dra n by him% 6or# in short# o( athousand more o( hich authors rite# as Garrius# Pliny# Galerius# 1% Baptista Ful*osus# and Bacabery the elder% In short# 0a((er

Wide>nostrils choked himsel( ith eatin* a hu*e lump o( (resh butter at the mouth o( a hot o en by the ad ice o( physicians%They like ise told us there that the ;in* o( $ullan in Bohu had routed the *randees o( ;in*


30/92

.o Panta*ruel met ith a *reat storm at sea

The ne2t day e espied nine sail that came spoonin* be(ore the ind+ they ere (ull o( Dominicans# 1esuits# $apuchins# .ermits#Austins# Bernardins# E*natins# $elestins# Theatins# Amadeans# $ordeliers# $armelites# ei*ht do en o( Westphalia hams# units o( pots o( ca iare# tens o( Bolonia sausa*es# hundreds o( botar*oes# andthousands o( (ine an*els# (or the souls o( the dead# to be thro n on board their ships% Panta*ruel seemed meta*raboli ed# do in*#out o( sorts# and as melancholic as a cat% Friar 1ohn# ho soon percei ed it# as in)uirin* o( him hence should come this unusualsadness+ hen the master# hose atch it as# obser in* the (lutterin* o( the ancient abo e the poop# and seein* that it be*an too ercast# ,ud*ed that e should ha e ind+ there(ore he bid the boats ain call all hands upon deck# o((icers# sailors# (oremast>men#s abbers# and cabin>boys# and e en the passen*ers+ made them (irst settle their topsails# take in their spritsail+ then he cried# In

ith your topsails# lo er the (oresail# tallo under parrels# braid up close all them sails# strike your topmasts to the cap# make allsure ith your sheeps>(eet# lash your *uns (ast% All this as nimbly done% Immediately it blo ed a storm+ the sea be*an to roar ands ell mountain>hi*h+ the rut o( the sea as *reat# the a es breakin* upon our ship's )uarter+ the north> est ind blustered ando erblo ed+ boisterous *usts# dread(ul clashin*# and deadly scuds o( ind histled throu*h our yards and made our shrouds rattlea*ain% The thunder *rumbled so horridly that you ould ha e thou*ht hea en had been tumblin* about our ears+ at the same time itli*htened# rained# hailed+ the sky lost its transparent hue# *re dusky# thick# and *loomy# so that e had no other li*ht than that o(the (lashes o( li*htnin* and rendin* o( the clouds% The hurricanes# (la s# and sudden hirl inds be*an to make a (lame about us

by the li*htnin*s# (iery apours# and other aerial e,aculations% "h# ho our looks ere (ull o( ama ement and trouble# hile thesaucy inds did rudely li(t up abo e us the mountainous a es o( the main4 Belie e me# it seemed to us a li ely ima*e o( thechaos# here (ire# air# sea# land# and all the elements ere in a re(ractory con(usion% Poor Panur*e ha in* ith the (ull contents o(the inside o( his doublet plenti(ully (ed the (ish# *reedy enou*h o( such odious (are# sat on the deck all in a heap# ith his nose andarse to*ether# most sadly cast do n# mopin* and hal( dead+ in oked and called to his assistance all the blessed he> and she>saintshe could muster up+ s ore and o ed to con(ess in time and place con enient# and then ba led out (ri*ht(ully# -te ard# maitred'hotel# see ho4 my (riend# my (ather# my uncle# prithee let us ha e a piece o( po dered bee( or pork+ e shall drink but too muchanon# (or au*ht I see% Eat little and drink the more ill herea(ter be my motto# I (ear% Would to our dear !ord# and to our blessed#

orthy# and sacred !ady# I ere no # I say# this ery minute o( an hour# ell on shore# on terra (irma# hale and easy% " t ice andthrice happy those that plant cabba*es4 " destinies# hy did you not spin me (or a cabba*e>planter5 " ho (e are there to hom1upiter hath been so (a ourable as to predestinate them to plant cabba*es4 They ha e al ays one (oot on the *round# and the othernot (ar (rom it% Dispute ho ill o( (elicity and summum bonum# (or my part hosoe er plants cabba*es is no # by my decree#

proclaimed most happy+ (or as *ood a reason as the philosopher Pyrrho# bein* in the same dan*er# and seein* a ho* near the shore

eatin* some scattered oats# declared it happy in t o respects+ (irst# because it had plenty o( oats# and besides that# as on shore%.a# (or a di ine and princely habitation# commend me to the co s' (loor%


31/92

What countenances Panur*e and Friar 1ohn kept durin* the storm

Panta*ruel# ha in* (irst implored the help o( the *reat and Almi*hty Deli erer# and prayed publicly ith (er ent de otion# by the pilot's ad ice held ti*htly the mast o( the ship% Friar 1ohn had stripped himsel( to his aistcoat# to help the seamen% Epistemon#Ponocrates# and the rest did as much% Panur*e alone sat on his breech upon deck# eepin* and ho lin*% Friar 1ohn espied him*oin* on the )uarter>deck# and said to him# "d oons4 Panur*e the cal(# Panur*e the hiner# Panur*e the brayer# ould it not

become thee much better to lend us here a helpin* hand than to lie lo in* like a co # as thou dost# sittin* on thy stones like a bald> breeched baboon5 Be# be# be# bous# bous# bous# returned Panur*e+ Friar 1ohn# my (riend# my *ood (ather# I am dro nin*# my dear(riend4 I dro n4 I am a dead man# my dear (ather in 0od+ I am a dead man# my (riend+ your cuttin* han*er cannot sa e me (romthis+ alas4 alas4 e are abo e ela% Abo e the pitch# out o( tune# and o(( the hin*es% Be# be# be# bou# bous% Alas4 e are no abo e *sol re ut% I sink# I sink# ha# my (ather# my uncle# my all% The ater is *ot into my shoes by the collar+ bous# bous# bous# paish# hu#hu# hu# he# he# he# ha# ha# I dro n% Alas4 alas4 .u# hu# hu# hu# hu# hu# hu# be# be# bous# bous# bobous# bobous# ho# ho# ho# ho# ho#alas4 alas4 6o I am like your tumblers# my (eet stand hi*her than my head% Would to hea en I ere no ith those *ood holy(athers bound (or the council hom e met this mornin*# so *odly# so (at# so merry# so plump and comely% .olos# bolos# holas#holas# alas4 This de ilish a e 9mea culpa Deus:# I mean this a e o( 0od# ill sink our essel% Alas4 Friar 1ohn# my (ather# my(riend# con(ession% .ere I am do n on my knees+ con(iteor+ your holy blessin*% $ome hither and be damned# thou piti(ul de il# andhelp us# said Friar 1ohn 9 ho (ell a>s earin* and cursin* like a tinker:# in the name o( thirty le*ions o( black de ils# come+ ill youcome5 Do not let us s ear at this time# said Panur*e+ holy (ather# my (riend# do not s ear# I beseech you+ to>morro as much asyou please% .olos# holos# alas4 our ship leaks% I dro n# alas# alas4 I ill *i e ei*hteen hundred thousand cro ns to anyone that illset me on shore# all berayed and bedaubed as I am no % I( e er there as a man in my country in the like pickle% $on(iteor# alas4 a

ord or t o o( testament or codicil at least% A thousand de ils sei e the cuckoldy co >hearted mon*rel# cried Friar 1ohn% "ds> belly# art thou talkin* here o( makin* thy ill no e are in dan*er# and it beho eth us to bestir our stumps lustily# or ne er5 Wiltthou come# ho de il5 >(ish# hy don't e take him up by the lu*s and thro himo erboard to the bottom o( the sea5 .ear# sailor+ ho# honest (ello % Thus# thus# my (riend# hold (ast abo e% In truth# here is a sadli*htnin* and thunderin*+ I think that all the de ils are *ot loose+ it is holiday ith them+ or else


32/92

.o the pilots ere (orsakin* their ships in the *reatest stress o( eather

"h# said Panur*e# you sin# Friar 1ohn# my (ormer crony4 (ormer# I say# (or at this time I am no more# you are no more% It *oesa*ainst my heart to tell it you+ (or I belie e this s earin* doth your spleen a *reat deal o( *ood+ as it is a *reat ease to a ood>clea er to cry hem at e ery blo # and as one ho plays at ninepins is onder(ully helped i(# hen he hath not thro n his bo lri*ht# and is like to make a bad cast# some in*enious stander>by leans and scre s his body hal( ay about on that side hich the

bo l should ha e took to hit the pins% 6e ertheless# you o((end# my s eet (riend% But hat do you think o( eatin* some kind o(cabirotadoes5 Wouldn't this secure us (rom this storm5 I ha e read that the ministers o( the *ods $abiri# so much celebrated by"rpheus# Apollonius# Pherecydes# -trabo# Pausanias# and .erodotus ere al ays secure in time o( storm% .e dotes# he ra es# the

poor de il4 A thousand# a million# nay# a hundred million o( de ils sei e the horni(ied doddipole% !end's a hand here# hoh# ti*er#ouldst thou5 .ere# on the starboard side% "ds>me# thou bu((alo's head stu((ed ith relics# hat ape's paternoster art thou

mutterin* and chatterin* here bet een thy teeth5 That de il o( a sea>cal( is the cause o( all this storm# and is the only man hodoth not lend a helpin* hand% By 0>># i( I come near thee# I'll (etch thee out by the head and ears ith a en*eance# and chastisethee like any tempestati e de il% .ere# mate# my lad# hold (ast# till I ha e made a double knot% " bra e boy4 Would to hea en thou

ert abbot o( Talemou e# and that he that is ere *uardian o( $roullay% .old# brother Ponocrates# you ill hurt yoursel(# man%Epistemon# prithee stand o(( out o( the hatch ay% >>steady% "ds>(ish# the beak>head is sta ed to

pieces% 0rumble# de ils# (art# belch# shite# a t>>d o' the a e% I( this be eather# the de il's a ram% 6ay# by 0>># a little more ouldha e ashed me clear a ay into the current% I think all the le*ions o( de ils hold here their pro incial chapter# or are pollin*#can assin*# and ran*lin* (or the election o( a ne rector% -tarboard+ ell said% Take heed+ ha e a care o( your noddle# lad# in thede il's name% -o ho# starboard# starboard% Be# be# be# bous# bous# bous# cried Panur*e+ bous# bous# be# be# be# bous# bous# I am lost%I see neither hea en nor earth+ o( the (our elements e ha e here only (ire and ater le(t% Bou# bou# bou# bous# bous# bous% Would it

ere the pleasure o( the orthy di ine bounty that I ere at this present hour in the close at -euille# or at Innocent's the pastry>cook o er a*ainst the painted ine> ault at $hinon# thou*h I ere to strip to my doublet# and bake the petti>pasties mysel(%

.onest man# could not you thro me ashore5 you can do a orld o( *ood thin*s# they say% I *i e you all -almi*ondinois# and mylar*e shore (ull o( helks# cockles# and peri inkles# i(# by your industry# I e er set (oot on (irm *round% Alas# alas4 I dro n%.arkee# my (riends# since e cannot *et sa(e into port# let us come to an anchor in some road# no matter hither% Drop all youranchors+ let us be out o( dan*er# I beseech you% .ere# honest tar# *et you into the chains# and hea e the lead# an't please you% !et uskno ho many (athom ater e are in% -ound# (riend# in the !ord .arry's name% !et us kno hether a man mi*ht here drinkeasily ithout stoopin*% I am apt to belie e one mi*ht% .elm a>lee# hoh# cried the pilot% .elm a>lee+ a hand or t o at the helm+about ships ith her+ helm a>lee# helm a>lee% -tand o(( (rom the leech o( the sail% .oh4 belay# here make (ast belo + hoh# helm a>lee# lash sure the helm a>lee# and let her dri e% Is it come to that5 said Panta*ruel+ our *ood -a iour then help us% !et her lie under

the sea# cried 1ames Brahier# our chie( mate+ let her dri e% To prayers# to prayers+ let all think on their souls# and (all to prayers+ norhope to escape but by a miracle% !et us# said Panur*e# make some *ood pious kind o( o + alas# alas# alas4 bou# bou# be# be# be# bous# bous# bous# oho# oho# oho# oho# let us make a pil*rim+ come# come# let e ery man club his penny to ards it# come on% .ere#here# on this side# said Friar 1ohn# in the de il's name% !et her dri e# (or the !ord's sake unhan* the rudder+ hoh# let her dri e# lether dri e# and let us drink# I say# o( the best and most cheerin*+ d'ye hear# ste ard5 produce# e2hibit+ (or# d'ye see this# and all therest ill as ell *o to the de il out o( hand% A po2 on that ind>broker Aeolus# ith his (luster>blusters% -irrah# pa*e# brin* me heremy dra er 9(or so he called his bre iary:+ stay a little here+ haul# (riend# thus% "d oons# here is a deal o( hail and thunder to no

purpose% .old (ast abo e# I pray you% When ha e e All>saints day5 I belie e it is the unholy holiday o( all the de il's cre % Alas4said Panur*e# Friar 1ohn damns himsel( here as black as buttermilk (or the nonce% "h# hat a *ood (riend I lose in him% Alas# alas4this is another *ats>bout than last year's% We are (allin* out o( -cylla into $harybdis% "ho4 I dro n% $on(iteor+ one poor ord ort o by ay o( testament# Friar 1ohn# my *hostly (ather+ *ood


33/92

A continuation o( the storm# ith a short discourse on the sub,ect o( makin* testaments at sea

To make one's last ill# said Epistemon# at this time that e ou*ht to bestir oursel es and help our seamen# on the penalty o( bein*dro ned# seems to me as idle and ridiculous a ma**ot as that o( some o( $aesar's men# ho# at their comin* into the 0auls# eremi*htily busied in makin* ills and codicils+ bemoaned their (ortune and the absence o( their spouses and (riends at Rome# hen it

as absolutely necessary (or them to run to their arms and use their utmost stren*th a*ainst Ario istus their enemy%

This also is to be as silly as that ,olt>headed loblolly o( a carter# ho# ha in* laid his a**on (ast in a slou*h# do n on his marro > bones as callin* on the stron*>backed deity# .ercules# mi*ht and main# to help him at a dead li(t# but all the hile (or*ot to *oadon his o2en and lay his shoulder to the heels# as it beho ed him+ as i( a !ord ha e mercy upon us alone ould ha e *ot his cartout o( the mire%

What ill it si*ni(y to make your ill no 5 (or either e shall come o(( or dro n (or it% I( e 'scape# it ill not si*ni(y a stra tous+ (or testaments are o( no alue or authority but by the death o( the testators% I( e are dro ned# ill it not be dro ned too5Prithee# ho ill transmit it to the e2ecutors5 -ome kind a e ill thro it ashore# like lysses# replied Panur*e+ and some kin*'sdau*hter# *oin* to (etch a alk in the (resco# on the e enin* ill (ind it# and take care to ha e it pro ed and (ul(illed+ nay# and ha esome stately cenotaph erected to my memory# as Dido had to that o( her *oodman -ichaeus+ Aeneas to Deiphobus# upon the Tro,anshore# near Rhoete+ Andromache to .ector# in the city o( Buthrot+ Aristotle to .ermias and Eubulus+ the Athenians to the poetEuripides+ the Romans to Drusus in 0ermany# and to Ale2ander -e erus# their emperor# in the 0auls+ Ar*entier to $allaischre+

enocrates to !ysidices+ Timares to his son Teleuta*oras+ Eupolis and Aristodice to their son Theotimus+ "nestus to Timocles+$allimachus to -opolis# the son o( Dioclides+ $atullus to his brother+ -tatius to his (ather+ 0ermain o( Brie to .er e# the Bretontarpaulin% Art thou mad# said Friar 1ohn# to run on at this rate5 .elp# here# in the name o( (i e hundred thousand millions o(cartloads o( de ils# help4 may a shanker *na thy moustachios# and the three ro s o( pock>royals and cauli(lo ers co er thy bumand turd>barrel instead o( breeches and codpiece% $odsooks# our ship is almost o erset% "ds>death# ho shall e clear her5 it is

ell i( she do not (ounder% What a de ilish sea there runs4 -he'll neither try nor hull+ the sea ill o ertake her# so e shall ne er'scape+ the de il 'scape me% Then Panta*ruel as heard to make a sad e2clamation# sayin*# ith a loud oice# !ord sa e us# e

perish+ yet not as e ould ha e it# but thy holy ill be done% The !ord and the blessed Gir*in be ith us# said Panur*e% .olos#alas# I dro n+ be be be bous# be bous# bous+ in manus% 0ood hea ens# send me some dolphin to carry me sa(e on shore# like a

pretty little Arion% I shall make shi(t to sound the harp# i( it be not unstrun*% !et nineteen le*ions o( black de ils sei e me# saidFriar 1ohn% 9T

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The Fourth Book - François Rabelais.doc