THE EXILEISSUE #06/285 MARCH 20 – APRIL 2, 2008 WWW.EXILE.RU FREE

BORAT NATIONBUSINESS LEARNINGS OF AZERBAIJAN FOR

MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS SHIITE REVOLTUION P4

THE INCRED

IBLE

TRUE STORY O

F ISRAEL

I ARM

S

DEALE

R YAIR

KLE

IN

P7

TAKE MY JOKE, PLEASEWell, I was reading your article "Kosovo:The Brave Tribes Are Doomed."However, I realized it was publishedeight days ago so it must be of noimportance right now.

Have a good one.

Peter Subotic

Dear Mr. Subotic, Damn, you said afunny. Folks, we’re going to raise thecurtain here for a sec and explain toyou the "oomph" in this joke. You see,Gary’s piece about Kosovo was allabout explaining to idiotic Americanshow events like a 700 year old battlecan be more important today thanwhat happened an hour ago. And thenPeter…are you following us here?...hejust wrote a letter saying that since hedidn’t read Gary’s article until 8 daysafter it was posted, that therefore it’sirrelevant…did you follow that peo-ple? It’s what we in show businesscall "irony." You can really learnsomething about this "irony" thing bywatching the pros like our PeterSubotic.

.

LANIADO’S LISTHey VladYour blog is pretty interesting reading.Reminds me of all that Rwandan satireabout how Tutsis were cockroaches.Apparently many Hutus found it hilari-ous in the run up to the genocide thereback in the early 90s. Check it out if youhaven't already, I think you'd probablyfind it entertaining stuff.RegardsTam Laniadotamalaine@gmail.comDear Mr. Tam, Speaking of harsh-irony, we tried looking up this Hutusatire thing you were talking abouthere, and we found this Tutsi pleafrom 1994: "Help! Tam, are you therelike you’ll promise to be here for us 15years after the fact? Please! If anyone

out there can find someone namedTam Laniado, please tell him to helpus Tutsis! Please tell Tam that we aredying by the thousands, but if TamLaniado just lifts his fucking pinkieand does something to help us NOWin 1994, then we will forever be grate-ful! The one consolation, as we’regetting hacked up here by the hun-dreds of thousands, is knowing thatTam Laniado, wherever he is now,will never, ever exploit and cheapenour genocide in a letter to someonewho offended him. No, Tam Laniadois not the type who’d exploit thedeaths of hundreds of thousands,deaths that he didn’t lift a pinkie tostop, merely to try to win an argu-ment! No, Tam Laniado, emailtamalaine@gmail.com , is the typewho today, in 1994, will dedicate hisevery waking hour to helping us sur-vive! Just get the word out to Tam,he’ll save us…aghhh…aghhhh!!! Ohno, no! No, not that! No, look! TamLaniado is using our tragedy in 2008to win an argument and feel morallyrighteous!! Oh no, it hurts! It hur-rrrttttssss!!!!…."

GALLOWS HUMORTovarish Vladimir!I am an impoverished American des-perately in need of Russia's help. I ama shameful, pathetic dog unfit to lickthe soles of Russia's mighty jackboots.Without immediate foreign aid from ourexalted superiors in Russia, our coun-try is certain to collapse under theweight of its own waistline and over-sized SUVs. Could you please arrangefor a transfer of a trillion dollars to ourFederal Reserve to ensure that all ofour banks don't completely collapsethis month? Also, I'd like to warn myRussian masters that it is likely thatonly a regime change in WashingtonDC can prevent the Fourth Reich fromturning their weapons on the Russianally, Iran. Is there any chance I can per-haps parlay this information into aRussian work visa?

I appeal to your humanity: please sendoil and hot chicks.Tovarisch Ian Dear Mr. Ian, Vlad Kalashnikovreplies, "Is this guys thinking he’swriting funny letter? Fucking loser,have some dignity man. EvenRussians don’t behave this pathetic,self-humiliating jokes, after fall of theSoviet Union. You better not to makestupid jokes, and to find real jobsomewhere, make some money, man.Russia don’t need you if you want toknow, that is why we force you to haveleprosy and AIDS tests. YourAmerican teenagers pussies all havediseases, as you read!" Sorry aboutthat, Ian, Vlad isn’t the type to get intoa friendly jostle with Americans, hethinks if he’s too nice to youAmericans, that you’ll be like annoy-ing beggars trying to squeegee hiswindshield. This is just Vlad’s way oftrying to ward off helpless decliningdesperate Americans. We’d say that itpangs his conscience, but…aw hell,who’re we kiddin’?! He loves watch-ing you squeal!

LEPROSY ALERT!Mr. Zaitchik,I really enjoy your articles. From takingsolace in the fact that the Starbucks youavoid in the states might help crush theeven more despicable Moscow manifes-tations of Coffee Haus andShokoladnitsa to your environmentalistexposes and pointing out western mediabullshit about Russia, it is all golden. Iam writing now in response to your blogabout Reason's lack of a response toKlein's book. Did you get a chance tosee/hear Klein argue with AlanGreenspan on "Democracy Now"? It wasgreat both in terms of seeing Greenspanmount an intelligent libertarian defense(and clearly out smarting Klein atpoints), but by the end of the hour fal-tering on such obvious absurdities ofthe dogma when talking about thingslike American education. I still havesomewhat more respect for him forappearing on "Democracy Now" withKlein, but no more respect for libertari-anism. Peace from Murmansk,AndyDear Mr. andy, Vlad Kalashnikovreplies, "Jesus fuck christ, what is anAmerican doing in Murmansk?Dontcha know Russia kicked theAmerica-British asses in 1919 out ofMurmansk? Get a fuck out you lep-rosy loser, stop taking Russian girlsand Russian money!" Sorry Andy, hesaid it, not us. We’d have said some-thing more disparaging about what aguy in Murmansk is doing wasting histime listening to a podcast of AlanGreenspan interviewing onDemocracy Now. Don’t you know thatthere are hundreds of thousands of hotyoung dyevs just waiting to get infect-ed with leprosy and syphilis? Jesusman, do your job, or else we’ll sicVlad back on you!

CANUKE AMERIKAVlad,Let a Canadian in on the fun too. I thinkmost Canadians hate Amerika as muchas Vlad does, I do. Over 45 they proba-bely think Amerika is OK. Under 45 theyhate the piggy fuckers. I'm 61 in Apriland I've hated the fuckers my whole life.Thanks for the great reads.RussellDear Mr. Russell, As a Canadian, youshould pity, not hate America. Ourcurrency has plummeted below yours,Americans are seeking asylum inCanada for health care. Really, aCanadian hating an American is justcruel and snotty, as if, for example,Americans were to hate Mexicans,you know cuz their currency is a jokeand they all want to work in America.You see, Americans would never do

that to Mexican, so why would youhigh-falutin’, stronger-currency-flauntin’, free-health-care-totin’,higher-standard-of-livin-packin’Canadians spit on people lower thanyou? Where’s your humanity, eh?

JOHN THE BUTT-KISSDear Gary:

I love your writing. It's jaded yetnuanced and eloquent. But please, canyou include some references to the his-tory we both love. At the very least aWikipedia link, occasionally? Even bet-ter, and maybe profitably, some links toAmazon for original sources.

Thank you.

JohnDear Mr. John, Jesus H. Christ, areyou really that stupid that you don’tknow how to look shit up yourself?Ever heard of "google"? It’s prettyamazing, you should check it outsomeday.

JANNISORRYASSGary,

I think I'm dying just laughing over yourKosovo piece. You know, I'm more ofthe Condi inclination: cowardly, I-was-n't-even-born-then-y, more interestedin Malibu and Britney Spears's ass.

But you make me care about this Warshit. I really have no grudge againstSerbs, and I can't fuckin' standAlbanians. All I know is, as someonewho descends from the Janissaries, ifthere was a time machine and I couldbeam myself back to 1389, I'd first gograb a few of those Jannies by their col-lars to shout "what the fuck are youdoing, huh?", after which I'd probablyshit in my baggy pants at the sight of thefratricidal Ottomans, upon which excre-tory emission I'd just ask the time-machine operator to beam me back,preferably to a cooler period whereMalibu was funner (less mestizoed)than today.

But you see, it's the friggin' 2008 and,well, it's 610 years, man, I mean, COMEON! This isn't to say "independentKosovo" is a great idea. Heck, it's noteven an idea. It's a zoning arrangementfor racketeering by the drug gang there.I'm only saying, there has to be a lessmelodramatic way of dealing with thoseshits than, well, bards'n stuff.

Still, you managed to make me lose my

spleen and liver once again. :D God bless you, dammit! Thank youfor that.Now about Britney's ass... oh, well,never mind!KEDear Mr. KE, Once you’re throughwiping your mouth, we’ve got somegreat news to tell you. Ready? Heregoes: THE WAR NERD IS RELEAS-ING A BOOK THIS SUMMER! We nityou shot. Keep an eye out for it, youcan find the book pre-linked on ama-zon.com. Once you’ve got a wholebook in hand, just think of all theadoring letters you can dream up inyour head? We know that here at [sic]we just can’t wait for the sticky lettersto pour in.

SHOE-SHINE BOYDear Mr. Kalashnikov,You rock while the U.S. rots! By God,you're the first man I've ever loved. AndI'll bet you've got more masculine DNAin one strand of your hairy Russian nut-sack than a whole platoon of pussyMarines busy getting their stupid asseskicked all over Iraq and Afghanistan. The outcome of this evolutionaryfootrace between the U.S. and Russianis no surprise to me! Read the words ofMarshall Georgy Zhukov to his "counter-part" -- what a misnomer and supremeaffront to military history -- the bald-headed, Kansas redneck Dwight D.Eisenhower: "If we come to a minefield,our infantry attacks exactly as if it werenot there." How could the Pussy FieldMarshall Eisenhower respond to such astatement except with a gulp ofstunned, pigfucker exasperation? I drinka tumbler of vodka to you! Legend ofthe Kremlin!Sincerely,Paul PerkinsDear Mr. Perkins, Your letter is dulynoted. Just so you know, flattery is theuniversal language that is understoodbetween all conquerors and con-quered, so you’re doing the rightthing, planning for the future here.We’ve forwarded your contact detailsto Mr. Kalashnikov. When the RussianOccupation Force comes to America,Vlad will be sure to find you a nice jobin a camp, where you can choose thepick of the litter and have them paveyour driveway for free.

PROUD MARY KEEP ON BURNIN’Dear Vlad,

I was very "impressed" with your drunken arguments indulging in rhetorical ammuni-tion to defend your point of Russia as emerging power in contrast with collapsingAmerican empire with its massive "retarded" way of thinking. However, you'd ratherstop looking into the mirror and look out of the window.

Here are some of my thoughts, based on some facts. I understand that it is very easyto blame your country's misfortunes on somebody else. As you claim that Yeltsin-erabanking system collapsed under American guidance, so be it, but it was Russians notAmericans who voted for Yeltsin for almost 8 years, reelecting him in 1994. If peoplewere oblivious of Yeltsin being pro-Western and not suitable for the presidency then itwas their own mistake to reelect him, as the States were maintaining their foreign pol-icy in accordance with National Security program for which they were not to be blamed(every country has its right to maintain one). Besides Russians had opportunities towithstand American influence before the collapse of Soviet Union and allow the invisi-ble hand of the market finally penetrate their state-controlled economy, which theyfailed to do. Blame bureaucrats, blame government, blame people longing for politicaland economic freedom.

It's nice you mentioned Russian "trade surplus", as it rises another argument.Commonly-known fact is that post-Soviet economy has been mostly about risingprices for its mineral recourses: country's trade surplus has been generated by its lim-ited product range, making Russia another "Saudi-Arabia-type" country.

I am half-American, and somehow you hurt my feelings. Americans stand for reformsas well as effective national security programs. I know we are in need of change, butso do Russians with their persevering paranoia about nationalism and foreign aggres-sors. And I must disappoint you that there will be hundreds of years before our PowerState collapses, as there are too many countries reliant on States' economy.

I understand you shifted from rational discourse to the emotionally-laden "pro-Russian"="anti-American" dispute, which is quite a standard practice. And I must be acomplete dittohead to think you will publish my "retarded" response, as my prime con-cern was to defend my rights in the first place

Best regards,

Retarded Little Mind with Fat Fucking Face.

Mary Morgan

Dear Ms. Morgan,

Your letter is…like sex for us. We’ve worked years and years aiming for a per-fect letter like this, a pure expression if there ever was one of The eXile caus-ing a smug American to squeal in pure raw pain. You know, all the poverty, allthe problems we go through, all of them are worth it when we get letters likeyours. You’ve got a [sic] t-shirt coming your way. Wear it proud, Mary.

LETTER OF THE WEEK[SIC]

e-mail: editor@exile.ru

P. 2 THE EXILE MAR 20 - APR 2

MAR 20 - APR 2 P. 3 THE EXILE

By Vlad Kalashnikov

recently became a expertspecialist in The Decline AndFall of The American Empire.I use the famous Gibbon titlevery sarcastically, because a

specialist like me knows that what ahistorical obscenity it is comparing alaughable Chinese-sweatshop-man-ufactured American Empire, thatlasted only from say 1991 until2004, to the great 500-year-longRoman Empire (or Russian Empire,or many great empires, a class whereAmericans don’t belong). Historywill not even remember this laugh-able American empire, which todaydisappears before our eyes.

Actually today’s AmericanEmpire collapse happens so fast, it islike that construction crane in NewYork City that just collapsed intoanother building last week, becausedumbfuck Americans don’t evenknow how to build cranes thesedays.

That is the great AmericanEmpire: a hollow empire with a nicepaintjob sold by a bunch of tricksterswith big fat stupid smiles. Push thatnicely-painted empire with just onelittle finger, and see it all collapseinto a pile of trash.

For me as outsider scholar coollyobserving this process, what reallypathetic is that collapsing imperialAmerica has made a racist old pus-cheeks freak named John McCaininto a "war hero." What was it thisugly old pus-cheeks did in wartimethat make him a "hero"?

Let’s look at John McCain’s hero-ic war record. In Vietnam War, hewas the very worst kind of murderer,flying modern jets over primitive,defenseless Vietnam, droppingbombs on women and children fromthe safety of his little cushioned seat.Probably comes back to the airdeck,gives high fives and "hoo-ah!"s tohis fascist little friends, they alllaugh, drink their shit Coors beer,not even caring about the sufferingthey cause to poor peasant families.

One day, some fucking Vietnameseguy shot "hero" John McCain down!How the fuck did a Vietnamese guy,primitive, backwards, in pajamas,shoot down a modern A-4 jet? Heused a fucking slingshot? Bow andarrow? What it proves is JohnMcCain was a shitty pilot, a loser,that is all. On October 26, 1967, “warher” McCain’s A-4 was given a niceRussian surprise over Hanoi -- hewas hit by Russian surface-to-airmissile (score: Russia 1, McCain 0).McCain’s jet fell into Truc BachLake on the outskirts of Hanoi.

McCain almost drowned in thatlake. But a Vietnamese man, 50-year-old Mai Van On, ran out of hisair raid shelter, took a pole, swam outto McCain, and pulled the “warhero” from plane wreckage.Vietnamese people were pissed off,they gathered around McCain in amob and tried to kill the future "warhero," understandably. But Mai VanOn saved him from the mob too. Thisguy is the real "war hero" because hetook a real dangerous risk! McCain,"war loser," was rescued by hisenemy who he tried to kill!

After he was saved, guards tookMcCain to a prison for interrogation.There, McCain proved to be as softas those pus-cheeks of his.

Vietnamese naturally beat McCainup. That’s not nice, but it is normal,you see what Americans do in Iraqand Guantanamo Bay just because of3,000 dead Americans, imagine howthey behave if Arabs killed 3 millionslike USA did to Vietnam! So, howdoes an American "war hero" whenhe is getting beaten up by his enemycaptors for confessions? In everyculture in history, a "hero" either suf-fers horribly and doesn’t break (likea Braveheart), or the hero kills him-self first before they can.

But for Americans, weak-willed, aloser collapsing empire, a "warhero" means a weak fag who breaksdown. McCain did not kill himselflike real hero should. He laterclaimed he almost killed himself, heeven had his head in a noose, but hewas "too slow,” that his Vietnameseguards grabbed him before he hunghimself. Yeah, sure. It’s like the guywho doesn’t want to fight, so heyells, "Hold me back! Hold meback!" in the American movies. Thatis McCain’s brave suicide attempt.

John McCain was not a war hero.He was a war traitor, according to allcountries’ martial cultures. He brokeunder beatings, confessed, he namednames, he even denounced Americaover prison loudspeaker, to demoral-ize his fellow American prisoners,for Vietnamese propaganda and psy-chological purposes. Here is somethings that he said, it is all on theinternet, for any brainwashedAmerican dumbfuck who cares toknow some truth:

"I am a black criminal and I haveperformed the deeds of an air pirate.I almost died and the Vietnamesepeople saved my life, thanks to thedoctors."

What is cool is that Vietnamesemade him say a "confession" thatreally is just the truth. But theyfucked with him like he’s a pussythat they can play with. They proba-bly thought that one up as a joke,right there: "Now, say ‘I am a blackcriminal.’ ‘Ok! I am a black crimi-nal! Anything else you want me to

say, sir?’" To a white fascistAmerican guy in a racist Republicanparty, it’s really eating shit to say toyour fellow soldiers, over loud-speakers, "I am a black criminal."Vietnamese have a pretty good senseof humor!

McCain broke many times. Whenhe was injured, he promised to givemore names, if they take him to ahospital. Why? Because he was"afraid he might die."

This is your American "war hero."A pussy, very worst kind of pussy:he kills defenseless people when it iseasy and safe, then, when he facestrouble, he breaks like that crane inNew York City last week, collapses,takes down a lot of people with himcrumbles, betrays his country like apussy, then cries about it.

And to America, this guy, traitorand coward, loser of all-time losers,shot down by a Vietnamese slingshotbecause he doesn’t know how to flya fucking jet, and so fucking incom-petent McCain don’t even know howto kill himself, a loser pilot and atraitor prisoner in a war he fuckinglost, only thing he did well wasbetraying his motherland – This is afucking "war hero"? In Russia, if asoldier taken prisoner, whatever thereason, he came back in shame,maybe shot, maybe put into a campfor five years or so. That is cruelshit, sure, but that’s how a real mar-tial culture is. For America, if youare so fucking incompetent andweak-willed fag as McCain, you area "war hero."

That is why I call you pussies"Amerifags"! The empire has noclothes, and underneath, you have noballs, just eunuchs!

In a real country, not to mention areal empire, a war hero is a guy whoconquered nations, crushed enemies,brought glory to his people and rich-es to empire, raised the pride andpower of the empire. He is often nota good man, probably responsiblefor huge numbers of deaths, proba-bly genocide if you look at history of"war heroes" in Romans, Greeks,

English, French, Spanish, Chineseempires, you name it. A "war hero"not supposed to be the guy whomakes you cry, like it’s a shitHollywood movie, or an appoint-ment with your shrink, that everymentally sick fucked-up American

requires, because they all sufferfrom mental disease and collapse, aswell as sick perversions and sexualdiseases.

Vlad Kalashnikov writes the"Vlad’s Daily Gloat" blog on TheeXile site (www.exile.ru).

JOHN MCCAIN: BIGGEST FAG IN WAR HISTORY

I

John McCain concentrates on perfecting his confession speech for his Vietnamese captors.

P. 4 THE EXILE MAR 20 - APR 2

THERE WILL BE KROV

By Alexander Zaitchik

Blood, Oil, and Borat in Azerbaijan

AKU, AZERBAI-JAN — This is it,I thought. I’vefound it. The HolyPost-Soviet TravelGrail…

I stood atop amassive concrete block, several feetoff the ground, deep in the Balakhanioil fields, just north of Baku, the sea-side capital of Azerbaijan, a place justvoted the most polluted city in theworld. Before me, the rolling hills ofthe city dump smoldered, churningenough fume across the horizon toerase the boxy Baku skyline; beyondthe dump, the Caspian Sea. Behindme, a fog-and-smoke shrouded worldof abandoned oil derricks, ghost pro-cessing plants, and crumbling con-crete structures with no obvious pur-pose. In every direction, garbage,scattered bones, and the decaying car-casses of street dogs, goats, and othermammalian vermin, who came hereto scavenge and never left.

For connoisseurs of a distinctlySoviet desolation, Balakhani on arainy day is a kind of travel delicacy,a place of aching and otherworldlyTarkovskyan beauty. Its perfection iscompleted by a billboard on the roadinto the wasteland, featuring the logoof the Heydar Aliyev Fund, namedafter the dead father of Azerbaijan’sdictator, Ilham Aliyev. The sign says:"Come everyone plant a tree."

The only people with a good reasonto visit Azerbaijan are the oil workers.What was I doing there? Even expatsstationed in the South Caucuses avoidthe country if they can. Every majorforeign press desk save AFP is basedin Tbilisi. Most NGO types in theregion also tend to stick to theGeorgian capital, which has becomethe Prague of Transcaucasia. The for-eigners in Baku are thus an almostuniformly oily lot, just as they were acentury ago, before the Red Armyshowed up to nationalize the oil fieldsand send the oil barons packing toTurkey and Iran. Sit on a bench alongthe posh shopping boulevards indowntown Baku and you’ll soon spotthe only two species of western Bakuexpat: the well-heeled consultant talk-ing oil jargon to his Blackberry, andthe Cockney-accented offshore rigworker. Both gather in the sameBritish pubs to drink ale, watch rugby,and trade stories about the nominallyShia Azeri whores who are as much apart of the oil economy as BP.

After the dust settled on the AzeriCaspian carve-up, BP emerged thebiggest foreign player in Baku. Theygot there with a lobbying effortfamous in the annals of oil for its bot-tomless entertainment expenseaccount. According to a 2007 DailyMail expose (which the paper pulledfrom its site the next day under pres-sure from Downing Street) the com-pany, under the direction of LordBrown and MI6, spent 45 millionpounds sterling over a whore-and-caviar fueled four-month period tosweeten up Heydar Aliyev,Azerbaijan’s dictator from 1993 to hisdeath in 2003, and his poorly tailoredcronies. BP’s "make big party timewith you" approach to Baku’s PowerBorats paid off. There is now a chippyon the city’s main shopping boule-vard, just around the corner fromO’Malley’s Irish pub and its locallyfamous Yorkshire pudding. "The gov-ernment doesn’t deal with countries,"an Iranian cafe owner told me. "Itdeals with oil companies. And BP hasthe biggest embassy."

* * * *

At the time of BP’s lobbying effort,Caspian oil deposits were said to be

large enough to shake the world, or atleast OPEC. As CEO of Halliburton1998, Dick Cheney articulated theconventional wisdom when he said, "Icannot think of a time when we havehad a region emerge as suddenly tobecome as strategically significant asthe Caspian."

That was then, anyway. These daysthe only place you’ll find the region atthe center of world events is in thenew Xbox game "Frontline: Fuel ofWar" where American teenagers bat-tle Russian and Chinese troops forcontrol of Caspian oil in 2024.According to gaming critics, the gamesucks, and not just because the mak-ers missed a golden pun opportunityby not calling it "The Great Game."

What happened to all those hun-dreds of billions of promised barrels?As a Hungarian oil analyst explainedto me during an Aeroflot delay atHeydar Aliyev airport, everyoneunderstood the Caspian was beinghyped from the beginning. "Therewas [utility] in making the worldthink there was more oil than there

was," he said. The Caspian nationregimes wanted to make the Westdrool so much it forgot all abouthuman rights and corruption; the oilcompanies wanted inflated proven-reserves numbers in order to jack uptheir stock prices. Win-win.

At its height, the Caspian hype-machine was a thing to behold. Therewas a time when you couldn’t open anewspaper or magazine without read-ing an article about how the Caspianbasin was a second Saudi Arabia with200-plus billion recoverable barrels.But the reality turned out to be closerto North Sea Junior. To the extent esti-mates can be trusted, Azerbaijan’sshare of the Caspian booty is nowestimated at between seven and 13billion barrels. Hardly an OPEC-bust-ing number, even when you figure inKazakhstan’s Kashagan field, thelargest Caspian field with nine to 16billion barrels. "Azerbaijan and therest of them are incremental suppliers,that’s all," explained the Hungariananalyst. "They aren’t going to swingthings or significantly relax tightnessin the market."

Among other things, all the 90shype resulted in building excesspipeline capacity, of which the her-alded (and expensive) Baku-Ceyhanpipeline is a big part. The Clintonadministration’s high-priority accom-plishment will, when all’s said anddone, wind up vastly underused, evenwhen the Caspian fields are pumpingat full speed in 15 years or so. But somuch rhetoric was spewed for so longthat when the day came in 2005 tosmash the ceremonial bottle againstBaku-Ceyhan, U.S. energy secretarySamuel Bodman felt obligated to con-tinue the farce, declaring it "a day thatwill change the world."

This is true only if by "world" youmean the foreign bank accounts of agrotesquely corrupt kleptocracy man-aged by a dynastic dictator in a cheapsuit.

* * * *

Azerbaijani president Ilham Aliyev

is the ultimate "Borat" president. He’salso the actual Borat president. In theSacha Ben Cohen film, it is Aliyev’sportrait that appears during the creditsas a stand-in for NursultanNazarbayev, the real president ofKazakhstan.

If outsiders know anything aboutIlham Aliyev, it is probably his desig-nation as first dynastic successor in apost-Soviet country. His father,Heydar, a former KGB chief, consoli-dated power in the early 90s andhanded it off to his son on his deathbed in 2003. A dirty and bloody "elec-tion" followed. The Cult of Heydarhas been actively maintained in death.Statues depicting the "Father ofAzerbaijan" are still being built inparks throughout the country. Everycity and town has a Heydar AliyevProspekt. Signs line the roads andannounce entry into towns with theAliyev’s chin-stroking aphorisms (or"wise admonitions" according to anofficial Azeri site). Among them, eachfunny for different reasons: One can-not relate great policy to tiny senses

and little profits … All our naturalriches belong to the people, and noone has the right to misuse them … Itis impossible to hide truth … One'spulse should throb in accordance withone's Motherland … In general themankind has been existing and devel-oping by creating and building-con-structing … We cannot use strengthagainst nature.

Soon, a museum Aliyev built in1999 honoring himself will be joinedby a gleaming Heydar Aliyev CulturalCenter in downtown Baku. Designedby trendy all-star London architectZaha Hadid, the building is scheduledto open in 2009 featuring a concerthall, a library, an Aliyev family mus-eum and—in a classic Azeri touch—underground parking for no less than1,350 cars. The announcement of thetender for this Cult of Personalitypalace led architecture critic HragVartanian to ask, "Is Zaha Hadid thenew Leni Riefenstahl?" But moreabout Azerbaijan’s human rightsrecord in a minute.

Museums Azeris can choose toavoid. Not so the ubiquitous presiden-tial billboards. They are everywherein Azerbaijan, most of them faded bytime and pollution to resemble thepages of a 1970s Intourist catalogueof Black Sea resorts. Peppering thecountry’s roads are thousands of bill-boards displaying Aliyev in variousposes. Sometimes he is alone, butmore often he is shown having a seri-ous discussion with his dim-wittedson and successor, Ilham. The bill-boards depict the duo wading intoadoring crowds, discussing the glori-ous future of Azerbaijan in front ofpower plants, and contemplatingunknown subjects requiring subtleand sensitive minds, possibly theobvious cheapness of Ilham’s goldwatch. The son’s sense of style andglamour appears to have been perma-nently molded by his playboy years inTurkish casinos.

Recently a new billboard has begunto pop up outside the capital that haslit up the Azeri blogosphere and sentAzerbaijan’s opposition into a deep

depression. It shows not two Aliyevs,but three. Trailing behind Ilham is thelittle boy-dictator-in-waiting, HeydarJr., a kind of Damien figure who maybe the world’s first non-Tibetan fig-urehead to warrant his own pre-pubescent procession propaganda.The text leaves little doubt about themessage: "Independent Azerbaijan'syesterday, today and future!!!"

Ilham does his best to project a cos-mopolitan image. Any meeting withvisiting foreigners is heavily publi-cized in the state media. When a free-lancer with Forbes met with Aliyevshortly after he assumed power, theleading pro-government daily plas-tered its front page with an image ofthe president being interviewed. Andwhen Herbie Hancock headlined the2006 Baku Jazz Festival, the follow-ing year’s program opened with atwo-page spread of Hancock andAliyev sitting on couches with forcedsmiles on their faces. The text beneaththe photo read: "Herbie Hancock:‘Your president is a very nice guy!’"

* * * *

Someone else who thinks IlhamAliyev is a very nice guy is DickCheney.

The U.S. Vice President’s links toAzerbaijan date back to 1993, whenthe newly ensconced Heydar Aliyevmade it a foreign policy priority tocultivate ties with politically connect-ed world of Texas Oil. It was a natur-al alliance, one with a cultural ele-ment on top of the obvious politicaland economic logic. Houston andBaku are two of the world’s greatestoil capitals, and two cities whichdeserve the "asshole of the [fill inlarge geographical location here]"moniker more than just about anyplace on earth. They are official "sis-

ter cities," and a team from Houston iscurrently advising the Azeri govern-ment on a planned Museum of Oil inBaku, based on the one in Texas.

Texas Oil was eager to returnAliyev’s embrace. A friendship wasquickly established and cemented in1994, the year Aliyev inauguratedAzerbaijan’s post-Soviet oil boom bysigning the so-called "Contract of theCentury" with western oil majors todevelop the Caspian. As hoped, theTexas key opened the door to deepercooperation with Washington. AsDavid Case recounted in a 2004Mother Jones article:

Amoco helped [Aliyev] score hisfirst meeting with President Clinton,and oil companies pushed for aresumption of U.S. aid to his govern-ment (which Congress had cut offduring the war with Armenia). A pan-theon of U.S. policymakers-turned-consultants also chipped in on behalfof the regime—men such as BrentScowcroft, James Baker, andZbigniew Brzezinski, as well as then-Halliburton CEO Dick Cheney and

[Dick] Armitage, whose clients at thetime included several Western compa-nies looking to profit from the oilrush.

The "deep state" links developed inthe early 90s are kept alive todaythrough the Council of Advisors tothe U.S.–Azerbaijan Chamber ofCommerce, since 1996 the centralforum for conducting serious U.S.-Azeri business. Past and presentUSACC board members include DickCheney, Henry Kissinger, JamesBaker, Brent Scowcroft, JohnSununu, Richard Perle, and RichardArmitage.

Most of the USACC’s business islow-key and conducted in private. Butoccasionally the group will bring outthe black ties and notify the media. InDecember of 2006, the group hosted a

P. 5 THE EXILE MAR 20 - APR 2

B

The foreigners in Baku are an almost uniformly oily lot, just asthey were a century ago, before the Red Army showed up tonationalize the oil fields and send the oil barons packing toTurkey and Iran.

lavish dinner at the Andrew W.Mellon Auditorium in Washington forMehriban Aliyeva, the First Lady ofAzerbaijan. The evening was co-chaired by James Baker, with akeynote address delivered by SenatorRichard Lugar, who was present toreceive the USACC Freedom SupportAward.

To understand why the existence ofa USACC Freedom Support Award is

a sick joke on par with the "plant atree" sign in the Balakhani oil fields,you have to zoom way in from thebird’s eye view of the GrandChessboard and leave the executivesuites of the oil majors. You have totalk to an Azeri who is tired of beingrobbed by the country’s Borats to payfor ugly steel-and-glass monumentsto the memory of Heydar Aliyev.

* * * * *

There is no shortage of cases toillustrate the state of freedom inAzerbaijan. There is Heydar Aliyev’sone-time rival, Rasul Guliyev, whohas been in forced exile in New Yorksince 1996. There are the oppositionparty activists who are routinely beat-en, jailed, and, according to HumanRights Watch, tortured. And there are

the journalists. In the run-up to the presidential

election this October that Aliyev iscertain to win, an already appallinghuman rights situation is gettingworse for Azeri journalists. At the endof 2007, nine reporters and editorswere sitting in jails, mostly for the"crime" of libel. Five have recentlybeen released, but four remain behindbars simply for doing their jobs.

The last few months have seen anacceleration of unsavory incidentsthat are beginning to raise the profileof Azerbaijan in human rights circles.Most prominent among them, areporter for the Azadlyq newspaper,Agil Khalil, was stabbed in the chestand left in serious condition whilereporting on a shady land deal involv-ing government officials. As with asimilar case last year in which the ed-itor-in-chief of the newspaperGyundelik Azerbaijan barely escapedan assassination attempt, no policeinvestigation has been opened.

Accoring to Baku-based journalistRovshan Ismayilov, the attemptedmurder was "most probably" carriedout by "some forces within the gov-ernment," possibly in contemptuousresponse to a recent State Departmenthuman rights report critical of

Azerbaijan. "The stabbing of Agil Khalil is part

of campaign of repression about theAzerbaijani press," says EminHuseynov, Chairman of the Institutefor Reporters' Freedom and Safety inBaku. "Every March before an elec-tion there is an attack on the press.Before the 2005 parliamentary elec-tions, the editor of the MonitorJournal was murdered. The govern-

ment wants to instill fear and preventdissident thinking."

Huseynov is also open to the possi-bility that the attack on Khalil wasintended as a message to the West. "Itis interesting that just two daysbefore [the stabbing] the U.S.released is annual report on humanrights practices," he said. "There issomething to the theory that aftersuch reports are released, attacks likethis take place as retribution, to makethe point that such reports [accom-plish] nothing, and that our govern-ment has no obligation to listen toother countries."

Aside from direct violence, theAlieyv regime is fond of other meth-ods familiar to watchers of post-Soviet petro-states. In a sign of thetimes, earlier this month a BakuCourt sentenced the editor-in-chief of

the opposition newspaper Azadlyq("Freedom") to four years imprison-ment for "hooliganism and causingdamage to the health of a person"after he allegedly insulted a womanin the street. The judgment was readin a closed session. The case echoedthe punishment handed to two jour-nalists from the independent news-paper Nota Bene, who were foundguilty of defamation in February andsentenced to two-year imprisonmentand 18-months corrective labor,respectively, after they published arti-cles relating to corruption within theInterior Ministry.

These cases fit a pattern of Azerijournalists subjected to criminalprosecutions for defamation and sen-tenced to jail. According to localactivists, the state also targets busi-nesses associated with oppositionmedia outlets. In January 2008, theprinting house Chap Evi, whichprints media critical of theAzerbaijani government, was sub-jected to an unscheduled tax insp-ection without explanation.

When Kahlil was stabbed, the U.S.ambassador in Baku visited him inthe hospital and called for an investi-gation. But opposition activists havelong pleaded for more than justwords. "The Western embassies herehave been increasingly vocal aboutproblems in the areas of press free-dom and freedom of expression, butit would be more effective if theytook more concrete steps like sanc-tions," says Huseynov. Last year agroup of civil society figuresappealed without success to the EUto get them to enact targeted sanc-tions of the sort they approvedagainst Belarus, such as limiting thetravel of certain corrupt officials and

freezing their foreign bank accounts. As Huseynov and most Azeri

opposition activists would admit, thisis unlikely to happen so long asAzerbaijan remains a friendly oilsupplier sandwiched between Russiaand Iran. There is also the question ofthe West’s ability to influence localpolitics here. When Western govern-ments increased the human rightsheat on Uzbekistan’s Islam Karimovafter the 2005 massacre of protestersin Andijan, he fought back. Tashkentthrew the Americans out of a key air-base, withdrew from a regionalNATO-mentored military alliance,and joined the Moscow-led SCTO.To top it off, Karimov only tightenedthe human rights abuse screws.

Whether or not the world decidesto get serious about human rightsabuses in Azerbaijan, there are signsthat the Aliyev regime may not careabout foreign cash the way he and hisfather used to. In 2006 the TurkishElectricity Company Barmek had itsinvestment in Baku’s electric gridnationalized by the Azeri govern-ment. That same year, the Dutchmetal company Fondel was kickedout of the country. Foreigners havealso been stripped of their shares inAzPetrol.

"Slowly, the power of Azerbaijan’soligarchs is increasing," saysHuseynov. "Soon they will fear noone."

It seems that British Petroleum isthe last pillar of Western influencestanding in Azerbaijan. If humanrights and democracy depends on BP,then you may as well do what someAzeris I witnessed are alreadydoing—put on a burqa, pull out yourKoran, and seek another way out ofthe Hell that is Aliyev’s Azerbaijan.

P. 6 THE EXILE MAR 20 - APR 2

Baku has always been an oil town. Ancient Arab travelers noted how thelocals were literally drenched in crude, burning chunks of oil-soaked soilfor fuel and rubbing "white" oil into their skin as a therapeutic ointment.Only the industrial scale of the extraction is recent, dating to the late nine-teenth-century when foreign investors arrived en masse, led by the NobelBrothers. (It was Baku oil money, not TNT profits, which funded the firstNobel Prizes.) By 1900, the fields on the Absheron peninsula were pump-ing half the world’s crude. Forty-three years later, it was Hitler’s quest forthese fields that he sent his Sixth Army to Stalingrad.

Nowhere does Azerbaijan look less like a 21st-century energy giant than inthe Balakhani fields, just north of Baku. Here rusted and decrepit pumpssqueeze the last barrels out of the nearly exhausted fields. Pump stationfuse-boxes are held together with twine; derricks are held in place by rust-ed-out steel rope tied around random chunks of concrete. As Azeris like topoint out, if it wasn’t for the arrival of the Red Army in 1920, Baku may havedeveloped as the Riyadh of Transcaucasia. Or maybe its Dubai. Anythingbut what Azerbaijan became.

— AZ

The Balakhani Oil Fields

In the run-up to the presidential election thisOctober that Aliyev is certain to win, analready appalling human rights situation isgetting worse for Azeri journalists. At the endof 2007, nine reporters and editors were sit-ting in jails, mostly for the "crime" of libel.

Photos by Alexander Zaitchik

P. 7 THE EXILE MAR 20 - APR 2

By Yasha Levine

lexander Pichushkin, thesilver-medal serial killerknown as "TheBittsevsky ParkManiac" recently gavethe Russian tabloid Tvoi

Den an exclusive interview, whichwe’ve translated for your readingpleasure. Until today, the man whoalmost bested Chikatilo had neverbeen given a free platform to air hisviews, thoughts, and opinions to theworld. Below, we are reprintingtraslated segments of the interview.But first, here's a little background onRussia's second most prolific serialmurderer:

The 33-year-old balding supermar-ket shelf stacker was caught back inJune 2006 and charged with 49 mur-ders, all but one carried out over a fiveyear period, all in Bittsevsky Park,one of many massive parks inMoscow’s outer districts.

True to the FBI serial killer profile,Pichuskin admitted that he likes toy-ing with cops. Riskier murders madehim feel powerful, more powerfulthan the State. During the trial, hevainly bragged about how he carriedout of all the murders.

He usually befriended his victims(he knew 20 of them from playingchess with them in the park) who var-ied in age and sex, by offering them tohave a drink of vodka to mourn hisdead dog, which he said he’d buried ina secluded area of Bittsevsky Park.Like Chikatilo, Pichushkin didn't rapehis victims. He got his sexual kicks

from sexual substitution. But unlikeChikatilo, he wasn't about the slash-ing and cutting. He was more intoskeletal penetration, skullfucking.After he got his victims wasted, he'dbash their head in with a hammer,then stick empty vodka bottles andtwigs into the holes he’d made in theirskulls. "I liked the sound of a skullsplitting," he told prosecutors. But hemixed it up a bit: strangling a few ofhis victims, or even trying out ahomemade single-shooter craftilyconstructed out a pipe. To get rid ofthe corpses, he’d dump the bodies intoa sewer wells, sometimes while theywere still alive. Many of the victimswere never found.

When the police finally caughtPichushkin, he boasted that he’dkilled 62 people, topping Chikatilo’sbody count by 8, making him Russia'smost prolific serial killer. The policecould only link him to 49, denyinghim this eternal fame. Was he angry?If the way he talked about his lawyeris any indication, then yes. Read on...

ON INCARCERATION When I was brought to prison, I

was not in a good mood . Now it's got-ten better, I have completely adapted.They have ideal water here. It’s sohot, I even have to dilute it with coldwater. For all the time that I have beenhere, my hair was cut only once. Doyou know how much time they giveme to take a shower - five whole min-utes!

ON HUMAN LIFEHuman life is not too long. It is

cheaper than a sausage. My lawyer: I

would cut him open like a fish. Iwould have killed him like an insect,and I would receive much pleasurefrom the process. I would cut him upand make belts out of his flesh. But asfor remembering everyone I killed,who and when and where, that, I don’tremember. I don’t even care toremember.

ON RELIGION & POLITICS I was baptized when I was three-

months old. The baptism took place,but I did not want it. Well, I do notthink that someone ... is there. I canalso say that I will not either read theBible or write an autobiography. Ihave never prayed to God, never will.This is a beautiful fairy tale. For theweak, for those who sacrifice them-selves to the State (Russian govern-ment). Men, as they age, increasinglydream that someone is there who is allpowerful. Well, what is it? As for vot-ing, in all my 33 years, I have nevermissed a chance to vote.

ON DREAMS I have nightmares ... A dog. It lived

with me a long time [he lured his vic-tims by asking them to go mourn athis dead dog's grave in BittsevskyPark with a couple of shots of vodkabefore smashing their heads in]. Shedied. It was my fault. I treated it, howto say, not very ... She could havebeen saved. It was a bad situation ... itleft something in my subconscious.

ON LITERATUREOf course I don't write. Only devki

(plural of dyev, Russian slang for"girls") write. Journalists too, I sup-pose.

ON FRIENDSHIPFirst of all, what is a friend? This is

not someone who gives you one hun-dred rubles or lets you stay over for anight ... And secondly, my principle:to the grave, and that's it. Yes, Ireceived more pleasure from killingpeople whom I knew personally. But Ialso found a way to get to strangersand that is not easy. Their relativessaid that they would never go some-where with a stranger. But to me theyare flying, despite the difference inage. A youngster, Koryagin [one ofhis victims]... I was leaving the policeoffice and I knew that everywhere wasan ambush, but I remained free. ThenI spit and got caught.

ON FORGIVENESS No, I do not regret it. So much

strength and time spent. Repent? I donot repent, this is again a dull formal-ity. It will not change my sentence.Since I was young I dreamed ...Everything was different back then.And it all turned out the way I wantedit to. I knew that they had me nailedwhen they started pressing me about12 victims, but then they all were sur-prised that I actually killed 60. Iwatched a show about me on TV.Denis, my classmate, told the camera:"When we learned that he had com-mitted these crimes it was a shock."Others said I was a rare case - killingjust for the sake of killing. There is nomotivation: neither race nor sex norreligion. Even someone wrote:Pichushkin himself doesn’t know yet

that the history of criminology ischanged, that it didn’t account forsomeone such as him, that he will godown in history forever ...

ON SPORTS I have never watched football. No

football, no hockey.

ON TRAVEL I would like to live in Mexico. First,

it is warm there, and secondly, thereare forests. Maybe there I could livein a different way if I was there...

[After the Tvoi Den reporter toldPuchushkin that Mexico doesn’t haveforests, he replied:]

Do you want to tell me there are nojungles? Like Freddy Krueger said,"Elm Street exists in every city."

INTERVIEW WITH A RUSSIAN SERIAL KILLER

A

Russia's #2 serial killer airs his views, opinions, worries...

Sore loser. His dreams of killing 62 people, enough tocover every square on a chessboard and edge Chikatiloout of the coveted #1 serial killer slot, never materialized.

One of Mr. Pichushkin’s female victims

MAR 20 - APR 2P. 8 THE EXILE

RUSSIA’S “OTHER” VIKTOR BOUT

By Yasha Levine

ast Wednesday, while alleyes were focused on thecase of international armsdealer Viktor Bout, I spentabout five hours at the

Moscow City Court watching theappeal case of another accused armssmuggler, Yair Klein. Known asIsrael's most famous arms smuggler,Klein has been fighting extraditionto Columbia, where he was tried inabsentia in 2001 and sentenced to a10-year prison term.

Klein was arrested in Moscow lastAugust on an Interpol warrant as heboarded a plane to Tel Aviv. Now he

stood just one court decision awayfrom being shipped off in cuffs toBogota, where he’d rot away insome mosquito-swarmed dungeon.

Given the international profile ofthe case, and the brouhaha involvingBout, there were surprisingly few

reporters present at Klein’s appealhearing. Other than a ponytailedColumbian journalist and twofemale staffers from the Columbianembassy, I had the pews all tomyself as Klein was brought in tothe courtroom, shackled and underguard. The Israeli’s 64 years showedin the splotches on his bald head andhands, but you would never guesshis age by his muscle mass index.His solid beefy build was visibleeven through his baggy sweater andcargo pants. After six months in aRussian jail, he was still built toharm, and he seemed in good spirits,smiling and joking with the youngfemale interpreter brought in at hisown expense.

Klein is no Viktor Bout, but he isone of the better-known figures inthe shadowy world of internationalarms dealers. Over the course of hiscareer, Klein has equipped andtrained some of the most notoriousparamilitary outfits out there—fromNicaraguan death squads to the child

armies of Sierra Leone. And he’snever been shy about it. Klein hasopenly explained his activities inpretty much every media format:articles, radio programs, TV inter-views, documentaries, and self-made promotional videos. Klein andhis merry band of Israeli mercenar-ies even appeared in a 1989 PBSdocumentary boasting of their activ-ities in Central America, includingworking with the NicaraguanContras, a CIA creation that wasknown primarily for massacre-and-run operations in poor defenselessvillages.

I first became aware of Klein’scase in December 2007, when Ireceived a call from MordechaiTzivin, Klein's Israeli lawyer, askingme to meet him at the kosher restau-rant inside Moscow's Marina Roschasynagogue. He phoned me because Ioccasionally write for Ma’ariv,Israel’s second-largest circulationdaily, so he figured I might be usefulin raising his client’s profile. I metTzivin for dinner in a corner table,where he explained the case to me inbetween taking calls on his two cellphones, barking the whole time inEnglish, Hebrew, and brokenRussian, depending on which phonehe was shouting into.

During our conversation, Tzivinboasted of his long and deep con-nections in Russia dating back theYeltsin years, when he managed to

get a couple of Israelis off the hookfor illicit diamond exports (one ofthem was pardoned personally byYeltsin). He cursed the Israeli gov-ernment for not doing enough tohelp his client. "They are abandon-ing a decorated war hero,” Tzivincomplained. “Israel never does this!There is something going on behindthe scenes.” He was sure that somekind of deal had been cut, somethingfunny was going on. But what?

* * *

Yair Klein was born in British-occupied Palestine in 1943, the son

of hardcore Zionist settlers. He is amember of the Ariel SharonGeneration, a tough Jewish warriormofo. A veteran of the IDF’s specialforces, Klein fought in the Six DayWar, the Yom Kippur War, and waspart of the 1972 team that rescueddozens of hostages held captive in aLibyan plane at Lod airport in TelAviv.

Klein entered the mercenary busi-ness in the early 80s, when hefounded a private security firmcalled Spearhead. The timing wasperfect. Israel soon invaded southLebanon and Spearhead landed itsfirst major contract training and sup-

WEAPONS, COCAINE, ISRAELIS AND OLIGARCHS

L

The eXile celebrated its 139th annual Groundsnapper Day event in the lovely folksy town of Dzherdzhinsk last week. As has been custom since the first American john cameto a tochka under the reign of Alexander II (known affectionately to expats as "The Tsar-Libidinator"), last week, Moscow’s expats gathered around the legs of Sveta Kuntzevato see if Snapper Season would come early. As the custom goes, Punxsutawney Polina peeled off her winter pants and opened her legs to let the groundsnapper out of herburrow. As legend has it, if the groundsnapper is frightened by its own odor, then Snapper Season won’t come for another 8 weeks. However, if the groundsnapper comes outof its burrow and asks someone to buy it a Mojita, well then, Snapper Season is just a few weeks away.Last week, good news came with Punxsutawney Polina’s groundsnapper burst out of her burrow and ran all over the "salon," spraying everywhere and generally making amess.A great cheer went up, as Mayor Gosha of tochka #52 announced, "Nu cho, telki gotovi blya."With that, we at The eXile wish everyone a Snappertastic 2008 Snapper Season!

SNAPPER SEASON COMING EARLY!

Klein on Columbian TV a few months before his arrest inMoscow

Klein has equipped and trainedsome of the most notorious para-military outfits out there—fromNicaraguan death squads to thechild armies of Sierra Leone.

MAR 20 - APR 2 P. 9 THE EXILE

plying basic army gear to thePhalangists, the notorious LebaneseChristian militia responsible forshooting up the Sabra and Shatilarefugee camps which left hundredsof Palestinians dead, and Israel’sreputation tarnished around theworld. According to a 2007 inter-view Klein gave on Columbian TV,his infant firm made $2 million fromthat deal alone. He was off and run-ning.

In the mid and late 80s, Kleinmade a number of trips to Columbiato arm and train local drug cartelmilitias. These militias formed thebasis of the right-wing paramilitarydeath squads who squared offagainst the FARC guerillas (whowere at the time being armed byKlen’s Russian-Jewish competitor,Viktor Bout) and sometimes theColumbian government. One ofSpearhead’s Colombia employees,Lt. Col. Amatzia Shuali, laterexplained the company’s role inColumbia to American public televi-sion: "Yair mentioned the Contras. Ithink here it’s the same thing: theAmericans won’t interfere directly.We are willing to do it.” (Kleinmaintains that Bogota was aware ofhis business activities.)

Klein's training activities had abig and bloody impact on Columbia.Local human rights activists accuseKlein of singlehandedly turning

inept cartel goons into highly effi-cient death squads. Bogota, which atfirst turned a blind eye to the right-wing militias, were forced to finallytake action when government offi-cials started getting knocked withalarming regularity and profession-alism. In 1989, the shit hit the fanwhen a promotional video showingKlein and other Spearhead employ-ees training drug cartel militias wasleaked to the public, causing a PRdisaster for Klein—and for Israel.Spearhead was operating under anIsraeli government license, puttingIsrael on the hook. A subsequentinvestigation by the Columbian gov-ernment exposed Klein's ambitiousplans to set up a "freedom fighter"training camp on the island ofAntigua. Along with a diploma,every graduate would be sent back toColumbia with his very ownmachine gun.

Klein and several other formerIsraeli officers fled as they werecharged in Columbia. The govern-ment of Israel acknowledged Klein’sactivities and punished him withfines. While Klein got away with aslap on the wrist, one of his associ-ates was discovered dead not longafterwards, stuffed into the trunk ofhis car, after he’d complained ofbeing tailed by Mossad agents. Itappears as if this associate took thefall for Klein’s operation.

But even all this bad press didn'tput a damper on Spearhead's activi-ties. In the mid 90s, Klein wasreported to have operated in thelucrative and gory business of blooddiamonds: Sierra Leone and Liberia.The details, as always, are murkyand hard to verify, but one of Klein’sfew known transactions in Africainvolved an attempt to trade a mili-

tary helicopter in exchange foraccess to a Sierra Leone diamondmine. He was later arrested inFreetown on charges of supplyingthe rebel Revolutionary UnitedFront with weapons and was serveda death sentence. He got out in 16months, cleared of all charges. (It'srumored that he was sprung out ofprison in a joint Israeli-Americanblack op.)

His most recent deal, involvingarmored vehicles, brought him toMoscow in the summer of 2007, andfrom there, to jail, where he’s beensitting ever since.

* * *

Over his long and extraordinarycareer, Klein has always been able tocount on powerful friends to get himout of trouble. But something hadchanged by the time of his latestarrest.

From the moment he was draggedto a Moscow prison, the Israeli gov-ernment has treated Klein as ifthey’d washed their hands and want-ed nothing more to do with him. TheIsraeli embassy in Moscow refusedto provide Klein with even the mostbasic citizen services: no embassyrepresentatives came to visit him injail, nor was he provided with aninterpreter. At the appeal hearing,Klein claimed unfair treatment,

including unlawfully restrictedaccess to the telephone, newspapers,and his attorney.

According to his attorney Tzivin,Klein believes the CIA is to blamefor his predicament. “It’s possibleAmerica is leaning on Israel to givehim up to the Columbians so theycould have a trophy in the War OnDrugs,” explained Tzivin. Israel,which relies heavily on Americanaid, may have agreed and cut Kleinloose as a favor to the CIA and theDEA. Tzivin was adamant that Israelwould never otherwise sit back andallow Russia to extradite the Israeliwar hero.

CIA or not, the reality is thatIsrael and Columbia have their owngrowing trade ties that could justifya decision to leave Klein out to dry.Just a week before Klein’s appeal,Israel's Prime Minister ShimonPeres hosted Colombian DefenseMinister Juan Manuel Santos at hisresidence in Jerusalem. Referencingthe 1950s, when Columbia shippedweapons to Israel in defiance ofinternational embargoes, Peres said:"In recent years the situation hascome full circle, and Israel is able torepay Columbia in kind.”

Repay indeed. In early March,Israel supplied Bogota with droneaircraft, arms, ammunition and elec-tronic equipment for use in combat-ing the country's drug lords (andguerrillas). Israel also has plans torefurbish Columbia's aging air force.Neither side wants Klein runningaround smearing Columbia andgloating about his own invincibility.It's not hard to see how his extradi-tion is a win-win situation for every-one except him: Israel can developits newly profitable relationship withColumbia, and Columbia gets a

wanted criminal. Even Russia looksgood, coming off as a law-abidingcountry that plays by the rule of law,a responsible member of the interna-tional community.

The 64-year-old Klein, mean-while, will be stuck in some foulshit-hole, getting some very late-in-life Spanish lessons as he strugglesto survive until release.

* * *

Whoever was putting the screwsto his client, Tzivin’s job was to finda way around it and beat the extradi-tion. To do so, Tzivin planned todust off some old personal favorsowed to him in Russia. He also hadwhat he thought might be a secretweapon.

I didn’t think I could be shockedby much after all of the details, but Iwas wrong. Midway through ourmeal at the kosher restaurant, wewere joined by a tall orthodox Jewdressed in a top hat and blacktrenchcoat who had just flown intoMoscow from Tel Aviv. He wasintroduced to me as AvigdorEskin—one of the most notoriousfringe-characters is Israel, famousfor having staged a ceremonialdeath-curse against Yitzhak Rabinjust a month before he was assassi-nated. Eskin was jailed for fourmonths after the assassination for

incitement to terrorism and blamedby many for the assassination ofIsraeli Prime Minister YitzhakRabin.

In the half-hour since I was intro-duced to the world of Yair Klein,things just kept getting weirder.

* * *

Born in Moscow in 1960, AvigdorEskin escaped to Israel as a teenagerand drifted toward Arab-bashingextremists like Meir Kahane. After astring of brushes with the law as ayoung man, Eskin emerged as aprominent far-right wacko of hisown right. In 1995, enraged byYitzkak Rabin's singing of the OsloAccords with Yassir Arafat, Eskinmade a public show of laying a kab-balistic curse on the Prime Minister.He led a ceremony in front of theprime minister’s house, and intoneda curse: "Angels of destruction willhit him. He is damned wherever hegoes. His soul will instantly leavehis body ... A disaster he has neverexperienced will beget him and allcurses known in the Torah will applyto him. I deliver to you, the angels ofwrath and ire, Yitzhak, the son ofRosa Rabin, that you may smotherhim. Put to death the cursed Yitzhak.May he be damned, damned,damned!"

According to kabbalah tradition,the curse supposedly became active30 days after the incantation. True tothe curse’s power, Rabin was shotexactly 32 days later by Yigal Amir,an extremist settler steeped in theideology of people like Eskin.

In 2007, Eskin was arrested inIsrael for wiretapping the offices ofIsrael’s most powerful ultranational-ist extremist, Avigdor Lieberman,

Israel's Strategic Affairs Minister.The reason for wiretappingLieberman was to get informationon his powerful associate, the one-time Russian metals oligarchMichael Chernoy, who had to fleeRussia for Israel, where he lost hisvast metals holdings to RusAl oli-garch Oleg Deripaska. Israeli policefound evidence that Deripaksa hadhired Eskin to spy on his old associ-ate so that he could smear him withdamning kompromat, or “compro-mising material.”

Eskin was still serving time inIsrael for his wiretapping crimewhen he was recruited to help Klein.It's not clear how Eskin got out ofjail for a crime that serious. If Tzivinis right, Klein still has some power-ful people on his side. Eskin was thego-to man, as he’s known for his tiesto Russia's political and businesselite. So Tzivin brought Eskin toRussia to help him work theirRussian contacts on behalf of Klein.

Turns out, Eskin wasn’t muchhelp. A few weeks after he arrived inMoscow, on December 31, theRussian General Prosecutor's officeannounced that Klein would beextradited to Columbia, no matterwhat trump cards Tzivin thought hehad up his sleeves.

* * *

At the hearing on March 12, thejudge rejected Klein’s appeal. Kleinhad wanted his lawyers to argue thathis extradition was a CIA conspira-cy, but his counsel refused and stuckto arguments more easily proved: 1)that Columbia’s stature of limitationon Klein's crimes had expired; and2) that Columbia couldn't guaranteehis safety once he was extraditedback. To prove the second point, his

lawyers cited a UN report thataccused Columbia of serious humanrights violations. The Russian prose-cutor had a field day with that.

"Well, the UN has criticized Israelfor human rights abuses, Serbia andChechnya, too. You cannot take thatseriously," he said with a smirk.

As the judges retired to theirchambers to decide the case, Kleinjumped up and started ranting aboutthe CIA to his attorneys. I caughtonly snatches: "Rockets … missilesbought to arm Taliban fighters inAfghanistan to fight the Soviets ...The CIA ... Americans ... The judgeneeds to know." But his lawyer cuthim off.

As the judge read off the court'sdecision in Russian, Klein remainedin suspense. The young interpreterhe hired failed to keep up with thejudge’s pace and gave up trying totranslate. Klein learned of his fatefrom his lawyer after a long delay,only after the court session had beenadjourned.

"That was bullshit!” Klein’sRussian lawyer cried. “There was noway she could have typed up thatstatement in an hour. It had alreadybeen prepared.”

Klein has one more chance toappeal the decision with Russia'sSupreme Court. His attorneys havealready filed the request. But Tzivinmay have already tapped all of hisconnections and played his trumpcards. The bottom line: this strangeand incredibly story looks like it’scoming to a bad and quiet end for YairKlein. As he struggles alone, forgot-ten and shunned by his home countryand the various spy agencies whoonce used his services, one can onlyhope that his epitaph isn’t summed upwith the cheap ol’ “crime doesn’tpay” homily.

Eskin, the man who put a death curse on Yitzhak Rabin

As I shook this man’s hand, I had no idea he wasAvigdor Eskin, one of the most notorious fringe-characters is Israel, famous for having staged a cer-emonial death-curse against Yitzhak Rabin just amonth before he was assassinated. He was laterjailed for incitement to terrorism.

By Gary Brecher

RESNO, CA – It’s timefor something a littlelighter, and nothingcheers me up like a tinyAfrican state whose mainexport is coups. They’re

getting scarce now, these coup facto-ries, and we’ll miss them whenthey’re gone. Democracy is pretty

boring, to tell the truth, compared toa system where you know there’s anew President when the radio stationkeeps playing the national anthem for48 hours in a row, and the stray dogshide under the house-stilts while thejunior officers zoom around town intheir M-60 mounted jeeps looking forsigns of negative, unhelpful attitudes.That’s my idea of an election cycle.For one thing it doesn’t usually takeso damn long--no primaries.

And so we set sail for the gloriousComoros Islands off the coast of EastAfrica, a little powerhouse coup-maker. It’s had 19 coups since inde-pendence in 1975. You may haveheard them mentioned in the news,because the islands are about to havethe great honor of being the first sov-ereign state to be invaded by that mil-itary powerhouse, the African Union.Right now—that’s Monday, March17, or like us journalists like to say,"as we go to press," the Tanzanians,the annoying Swiss of Africa, areinsisting the invasion will go ahead,with 750 of their fearsome shocktroops in the lead. The South Africansare bummed about the idea and tryingto get out of it, but you can’t stop do-goodery like Tanzania’s when it’s onthe rise.

That’s the lesson of the greatestman ever to live and work in theComoros: the French mercenary BobDenard, who ran the place like a per-sonal pleasure palace for more than adecade. He took over with sheer gutsand a handful of mercenaries.

So if you’ll excuse me, I’ll hold offon puffing the glory of the AfricanUnion’s first amphibious operationuntil I see it happen. I’m not sure I’llbelieve it even then, but I’ll try. In themeantime I’d rather give Denard hisprops. The guy is a war nerd’s dream.

To see why the Comoros was theperfect place for a star like Denard toshine, you have to know a little aboutthe place. It’s got the kind of mixed-ethnic history to make coups prettymuch inevitable. They’re one of those"crossroads of civilization" places,right where Arab slave traders head-ing down the East African coastwould meet Bantu canoeing out fromthe mainland. Even the Persians heldthe place for a while. Then thePortugese stopped by, followed bythe French.

Your social studies teacher toldyou this cross-cultural stuff is a won-derful thing, but what it really meansis permanent gang fights. Add in thefact that the Comoros can get invadedfrom just about everywhere, likeUkraine on the Risk board, and yousee how screwed the place is.

The Comoros is the only Africancountry that belongs at the same timeto the Francophone Club, the ArabLeague, and the African Union.French, Arab, African—not a goodcombination. Kind of like the arson-ist’s old favorite: cherry bomb, ciga-rette, can of gasoline. You flash yourmembership in those clubs at a cop totry to get out of ticket and he’d saypolitely, "Sir, please step out of thevehicle to be mercy-killed."

Nearly everybody has landed onthese little volcanic outcrops, butnobody could hold onto them forlong. First—not that long ago, maybe1500 years back--came the

Polynesians, which is pretty impres-sive if you look at a world map.Those vine-tied outriggers couldmove! By the way, you know whyPolynesians gain weight easy? Turnsout it’s because fat people can survivelong sea voyages in open boats better.Seriously. That’s my new line: I’mnot fat, just adapted to marine migra-tion.

The Polynesians set up their Tikibars on the Comoros and onMadagascar, a few miles south. Butthey’ve held sway in Madagascar tothis day, whereas the Comoros weretoo small to build up a population bigenough to hold off invaders. In fact,the Malagasy showed theirPolynesian solidarity the old-fash-ioned way, by raiding the Comorosfor slaves. They weren’t all hulas andfruity drinks, those Polynesian dudes.I remember Long Beach too well toever fall for that crap. One on one,even the Brothers wouldn’t mess withSamoans.

All that Samoan solidarity scaredthe local Comoran sultan so bad hecouldn’t wait to sign an agreementwith the French for protection in1841. The French were busy playingcatchup with the Victorian Brits backthen, ready to grab anything that did-n’t already have a Union Jack flyingover it. Of course, those were usuallythe places the Brits had decided weremore trouble than they were worth.Which definitely applied to theComoros.

The biggest problem is that thereare four islands, all tiny and over-crowded with multiethnic trouble. Atthe moment the problem is that oneof the islands, Anjouan, is trying todefect from the big happy Comoranfamily. It’s only following a local tra-dition; when the French tried to dumpthe place in 1975, only three of thefour main islands voted for indepen-dence; one, called Mayotte, had aChristian population who didn’t feeltotally comfy in a 95% MuslimAfrican country—buncha worry-warts, huh?—so they opted to keepsucking that Parisian tit.

This is where the fun starts. And itstarted fast. In July 1975 SheikhAhmed Abdullah formally declaredComoros an independent country.One month later, he was gone in thefirst of those 19 coups, replaced by—oh, who am I kidding? You don’tneed to hear the names of everyIslamic frontman who held thePresidential chair for a few months.The real power was a French merce-nary named Bob Denard.

Denard was da proverbial bomb.My only problem with him is thatname, "Bob." That’s just wrong for aFrench merc. And it wasn’t even hisreal name; he was born a "Gilbert." Iguess Gilbert to Bob is sort of a hor-izontal move, but if he was inventingnames he could’ve done better. Imean, Pancho Villa started out as a"Doroteo." Doroteo to Pancho, nowthat’s a real improvement.

Denard’s gang of mercs who ranthe Comoros for years had a muchbetter name: the locals feared them somuch they called them "TheHorrors." They were all Europeans,too. Gotta give those Euros somecredit: most of them have turned intotechno-listening fags, but they stillmake the best mercenaries.

Denard started his career killinganybody in French Africa who wasgiving Paris trouble. The French gov-ernment supposedly had a traditionuntil recently that the President wasallowed to sign two no-questions-asked death warrants per year, as longas the names weren’t French citizens.But that wasn’t counting Africa. Theyran more of a free-fire zone there, andDenard was one of their best shoot-ers. Denard, who was a Frenchrightwinger whatever that is, didn’thold to those namby-pamby restric-tions anyway. When a bigtime FrenchPrime Minister, Mendes-France, lostenthusiasm for the war against theViet Minh, Denard tried to assassi-nate him. He fought special-ops in

the Algerian War, then settled inAfrica when he realized what a landof opportunity it was for a guy in hisline of work. He managed coups inthe big places, like Katanga/Congo,but he was also willing to work thesmaller venues like Benin andGabon. He even branched out to theMiddle East, directing black ops inYemen and Iran.

But the Comoros were alwaysnearest ol’ Bob’s heart, unfortunatelyfor them. In 1977 he came back to theislands because the guy he’d put inpower back in 1975 was turningpinko. Bob didn’t like that, and nei-ther did the French secret service.Soon after he and his "Horribles" hitthe Comoros, the pinko Presidentdied somehow or other, nobody wassure. The autopsy said, "None of mybusiness, please don’t hurt meMonsieur!"

Those were the golden years. Youtell me if this wasn’t the ideal lifeDenard was living: he was head of thePresidential Guard, which had theofficial army terrified; he ran thecountry de facto; he owned most ofthe hotels on the island. He was theKing without having to do all the dullstuff.

And back then you could do it withjust a few good men. When Denardlanded on the Comoros in 1977, hehad less than 50 men. Of course oncehe was in power, he expanded his pri-

vate army to 500.And like all good things, it had to

end. The first serious trouble came in1989, when Denard and his localpuppet ruler, Ahmad Abdullah,decided to dissolve the army. This isalways a danger zone for coups, anytime you cut the officer corps’ wagesor mess with their various scams.Those guys are armed and not reallyall that dedicated to democraticreforms.

Sure enough, a "disgruntled" armyofficer walked into Abdullah’s office,shot him dead and wounded Denard.The French government, which hadone of those love-hate things withDenard, like in a French movie, evac-uated him to South Africa and herecovered. But, sacre bleu, thingscould never be the same again.

In fact, when Denard tried to makea comeback it was just sad. In 1995he came ashore with a pitiful 30 menin inflatable rafts. One week later,French troops landed, picked him andhis men up and flew them back toParis to stand trial. That’s the kind ofgovernment gratitude you can expectif you’re in what the Russians call"wet ops."

The trial was kind of weird,because the French accused Denardof staging the 1989 murder of hispuppet, Ahmad Abdullah. Weird,because as far as I can see he didn’tdo it. Why would he have been shot if

he was directing the assassination?Maybe that was the plan: instead ofcharging him with the four Comoroscoups he definitely ran, they trumpedup charges for one of the ones he did-n’t do. At any rate, he got off on thatone, but the magic was gone. Whenhe tried another coup in 1995, hewimped out for the first time in hislife, surrendered without a shot andwent back to France. And even therethey wouldn’t let him alone. Thosepesky human-rights types were mul-tiplying like—well, like Comorans,who have one of the highest birthrates in the world.

In 2001 the Italians put Denard ontrial, like it was any of their business.(Italy has one of the lowest birth ratesin the world, by the way—you see thelink between no kids and do-good-ery.) He got off again, but a Leftistlawyer in France forced another trialin 2006, and this time Denard wasconvicted. By now, though, he was asenile old dolt and not worth takingto jail. He died shortly afterwards, in2007.

But don’t feel too sorry for ol’ Bob.He saw which way the winds wereblowing and converted to Islam soonafter assuming power in 1978, andhis legacy lives on in the form of atleast eight kids. With at least sevendifferent women. You can’t take itwith you but you can sure spreadyour genes around. Vive le Bob!

MAR 20 - APR 2P. 10 THE EXILE

F

THE WARNERD

THE COMOROS: VIVE LE BOB!

When the Blue Helmets are busy: African Union troops to the rare rescue

by Eileen Jones

never saw Sweeney Todd onstage, because I never seeanything on stage, because Ihate the stage. Theater makesme ill, always has. All those

actors, I mean, right in the sameroom with you, acting at you, pro-jecting their trained voices, sweatingthrough their stupid costumes—it’shorrible. Films were invented to putan end to all that.

But theatricality in film can beinteresting, and the director of thisfilm, Tim Burton, is Mr. FilmicTheatricality. Sweeney Todd is hismeat, a musical with a lot of bloodand violence and humor, a promisingcombination that doesn’t come alongevery day. In adapting it, Burtonapparently insisted on upping thelevel of gore. His characters lookslike animated flesh-dolls in a gloomydiorama, hacking away at each other.I always liked Burton. Admittedly,his bad movies are legion (Batman,Mars Attacks!, Big Fish, Planet of theApes, Charlie and the ChocolateFactory). But his few good ones stillstand up, attesting to the deathlesshope of escaping conformist hell inAmerica through passionate self-expression, usually represented byweird clothes and big tangled hairand idiosyncratic artistic pursuits. It’sa touching fantasy he can occasional-ly bring to life.

The good films, in case you werewondering, are Beetlejuice and EdWood. Pee-wee’s Big Adventure hasits moments, too.

Burton movies often star JohnnyDepp, and like many women, I’m allfor the Depp. He’s generally seenprancing around in some ridiculousget-up in a movie that’s otherwiseunwatchable (Benny and Joon, any-one?) but what the hell. The cheek-bones alone are the stuff that dreamsare made of.

This time out Depp is as lovely asever in a fetching Victorian ensembleas Sweeney Todd, "the Demon Barberof Fleet Street," complete with Gothpancake make-up and a white skunk-streak in his hair. He sings a gooddeal, in his own voice, a pleasantlight-baritone, and slits many throats,frequently at the same time. Hecroons his most romantic ballad to"My Friends," his nice, shiny, profes-sionally-stropped razors. He’s sup-posed to be bent on revenge, see,after a corrupt judge (Alan Rickman)had him transported to Australia on atrumped-up charge in order to takepossession of the barber’s beautifulblonde wife (Laura Michelle Kelly)and daughter (Jayne Wisener). That’sthe back-story, shown in hazy goldenflashback, but it doesn’t really mat-

ter. We just want to get to the killing.There’s a lot of the killing too,

with the melodic, mostly-sung scoreby Stephen Sondheim as high-tonedaccompaniment. Gaping wounds onfull artistic display; gouts of bloodspewing gorgeously; and plenty oftime to admire what special effectscan do with the insides of slashedhuman necks. It’s rare that entertain-ment with such a lofty pedigree alsooffers generous portions of thingspeople actually like: revenge, vio-lence and viscera, a protagonist wecan root for, occasional humor, nicetunes. Is that so much to ask? A littlesauce on the raw meat we crave?Shakespeare didn’t think so!(Unfortunately, that brings us back tothe stage again.)

Considering the body count, thewhole film is absurdly elegant.Burton was reportedly on a doomedquest for an Academy Award nomi-nation for Best Director, and itshows. The art design/set decorationteam, Dante Ferretti and FrancescaLo Schiavo, won Oscars for theircolor-wheel knowledge: the bestway to showcase blood red is to set itagainst a uniform blue-gray pall withtouches of black and white. Classy!Plus there’s a line-up of fine expen-sive British hams—Alan Rickman,Timothy Spall, Sasha BaronCohen—to play the nasty villainstaking their seats one by one in thefatal barber’s chair.

The chair itself is cleverly riggedto dump the bodies backwards

through a trap door in the floor,down to the cellar to be ground upand cooked into meat pies. This is anadded plus for "green" members ofthe audience, making the wholehomicidal process seem efficient andenvironmentally sound. As themeat-pie-maker Mrs. Lovett says,"Waste not, want not."

Helena Bonham Carter—Burton’sgirlfriend—plays Mrs. Lovett. Shedoes her own singing too, prettybadly, proving once again that ithelps to be the director’s girlfriend,in case anyone ever doubted it. Shelooks good, though. That’s a Burtonspecialty, making people look morebeautiful in Halloween costume thanany other way. She has a boy minionnamed Toby (Ed Sanders) who’sunderstandably in love with her, andalso understandably an alcoholic atage ten or so. He sings the prettiestsong to her, "Not While I’mAround." The kid has the best voicein the cast.

The thing nobody will tell youabout Sweeney Todd is what pleas-ant, soothing entertainment it is. Funfor the whole family, more whole-some than Disney, if only it weren’tinconveniently rated R for "graphicbloody violence." The original mate-rial, it’s reported, was not nearly so

nice. The Sweeney Todd whobecame a folk hero back in 18th cen-tury London "penny dreadfuls" wasout for pure profit when he set up hisbarber-chair-meat-pie system, andthis continued through the 19th cen-tury stage drama and no doubt the1928 British silent film, which I betis worth a look. The writers of therevered 1979 play, Sondheim andHugh Wheeler, supposedly came upwith the revenge motive, and it’s agood one, just right for the movies.Every properly-raised child knowsthat in movies the only sin worsethan hurting the dog is menacing thebaby and raping the nice young lady,so we can all root for Sweeney tokill, kill, and kill again. AlmightyWalt Disney himself couldn’t objectto slaughter on these terms.

Not coincidentally, Tim Burtonstarted his career at Disney Studios,working as an animator on dreck likeThe Fox and the Hound. WhatBurton always had to offer was aslight but important twist onDisney’s family films. They’re stillheartfelt fables, yes, but not for smugreactionaries striving to preserve agrotesque legacy of "traditional fam-ily values." Burton was seeking tocomfort the depressed children ofthose reactionaries, living in the sub-urbs. When you’re a depressed childin the suburbs—as Burton himselfwas—you know the cure for yourcondition is not more enforcedcheerfulness, more little league soc-

cer, more Kool-aid, more Fox andthe Hound. Vampira in spidery blackis what you long to see wigglingdown the street; you wishBeetlejuice was your live-in uncle.And later on in life, if you don’t getsome practical outlet for your mis-ery, you might find yourself wantingto set up a meat pie shop SweeneyTodd-style.

Here’s Burton speaking directlyon the topic of suburbia:

"I don’t know if it’s specificallyAmerica, or America in the time Igrew up, but there’s a very strongsense of categorization and confor-mity. I remember being forced to goto Sunday school for a number ofyears, though my parents were notreligious. No one was really reli-gious; it was just the framework.There was no passion for it. No pas-sion for anything. Just a quiet, kindof floaty, kind of semi-oppressive,blank palette that you’re living in."

I realize this seems like a mildcondemnation. But take it from me,he’s absolutely nailed a certain qual-ity of insidious awfulness thatblights many an American life. Theworst of it is, it’s superficially not-bad. You’re hard-pressed to knowhow to fight the "semi-oppression"of "floaty" blankness. And you’reperpetually shamed by the muchmore tangible suffering of others.You sometimes feel perversely envi-ous of guns, and gangs, and wars,and mayhem, and then you’re quite

rightly ashamed of being envious.And so the long days wear on.

The average suburban kid’s seem-ingly irrational hatred of his suppos-edly safe, sunny home, family,school, and community is an odd,trite, embarrassing burden to bear.It’s a great relief to turn to SweeneyTodd, with his obviously rationalhatred of the cesspool of 19th centu-ry London. When Sweeney Toddbroadens his revenge to include notonly those who wronged him, buteverybody he can get his hands on,we can revel vicariously in hissingsong logic: "There’s a hole in theworld like a great black pit and it’sfilled with people who are filled withshit and the vermin of the worldinhabit it and it goes by the name of‘London!’"

How I would’ve loved this filmwhen I was a child! Instead of"London," I could’ve substituted thename of my own despised home-town, which also conveniently beganwith the letter "L"!

In the fight against deadlyAmerican blankness (or what Dr.Dolan calls "The Beige-ocracy"), thegreatest cinematic warriors are theCoen brothers and David Lynch. ButBurton is also in there trying to dohis part. For this we honor him.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barberof Fleet Street opens April 10th inMoscow.

P. 11 THE EXILE MAR 20 - APR 2

I

SWEENEY TODD: A BLOOD-GURGLING OPERA

FACE CONTROL

They’re saying, “Can you help us please? We bothhave these big wet juicy lips, and we really don’tknow what to do with them, they’re just sitting hereon our beautiful taut faces. We’ve tried sucking onthese straws, but...it’s not enough. Oh, what?You’ve got an American wife? Never mind!”

Khyerbee Ze Love Bag: why Disney movies about talking cars nevertook off in provincial Russia.

Again, employing our new “Medvedev-friendly”censorship technology, we fed this bum two bot-tles of cheap vodka, then snapped a photo of himwith his unit hanging out, just so we could slapan Exile banner over it. It was an ugly site,and all thanks to the new president, you won’tever have to look at it.

Just as scientists were amazed to discover a new “hobbit” species that exist-ed side by side with modern man until a few thousand years ago, so we areawed by the photographic evidence of what clearly appear to be close rela-tives of homo sapiens living in the Eurasian steppes.

One nice thing about the fact thatRussian fashion trends tend to dragon for 10 years at a time is that thechicks-with-bangs look will stay.

How! Me look like white man. Me take whitewoman, drink fire water, pow-wow all nightlong. Me happy. This girl agreed to flash her beaver specifically so

that we could test out Face Control’s new “Medvedev-friendly” snapper-censored technology. Stay tuned forresults.

Not sure why, but we decided to throw in an incrediblyunremarkable photo of a typical Belarussian couple. Kindof depressing, ain’t it.

According to Clausewitz, a pair of hot leggy dyevs in schoolgirl outfitsis worth an entire tank division.

SOAK UP THE SAVAGE LUST OF MOTHER RUSSIA!

Email your photos of Mother Russia to face@exile.ruand win prizes!

MAR 20 - APR 2P. 12 THE EXILE

By Jared Lindquistexileradio@gmail.com

irst up this fortnight isSTUCK MOJO, who afterinitially being booked at thetechno club Gorod has beenmoved to a much moreappropriate venue: the

teenage metal haven, Tochka (March 24,19:00). But that doesn’t change the factthat they’re a ball-sucking nu-metal actwith a stupid name.

More interesting on the metal front isSeattle’s HIMSA (March 25, Tabula Rasa,19:00), an aggressive technical metal act.They’re supported by Philly metalheads ALIFE ONCE LOST, whose recent workhas drawn comparisons to PANTERAandLAMB OF GOD. Locals NOELANIand MEANING BESIDE round out thelineup.

As March turns into April, the Golden Maskfestival is once again upon us, promising twoweeks or so thick with decent gigs. The first oneworth noting is PROTOTYPES (March 27,Gogol, 22:00), a Parisian electro-pop band draw-ing on 60s rhythms. Fans of STEREO TOTALare advised to mark the date in ink.

Next up at Golden Mask is French indie-rock trio RHESUS (March 28, Gogol,21:00), a supposedly fun little indie rockband that’s been compared to their coun-trymen HUSHPUPPIES, whose recentgig at Ikra put team eXile to sleep.

A better bet o the 28th might be theambient electro sounds of Germany’sANTLERS MULM (March 28, Dom,20:00). The one-man band makes tenseelectronic music influenced byKRAFTWERK, minimal electro anddark ambient music. Bizarre-o electro actLLOVESPELL opens.

As a kid I tried hard to like THETIGER LILLIES (March 29, Apelsin,20:00), but their avant-garde cabaret vibejust didn’t do it for me. They’ve workedwith some cool people—includingALEXANDER HACKE of EIN-STURZENDEN NEUBATEN, theKRONOS QUARTET, and evenLENINGRAD—so I guess there’s some-thing there, but I still just don’t hear it.

If you’re wondering whether Francehas gopniks, look no further thanGolden Mask’s next offering: R.WAN(March 29, Gogol, 21:00) hails from theFrench rap group JAVA, who specializein the sort of chanson that would proba-bly not look out of place on a SERYO-GA record. At the very least, he wears a

tabletka cap.Although Russians tend to have a

strong suspicion of the Jews, let it not besaid that they can’t get down with themif need be. Case in point: Israeli psyche-delic trance duo INFECTED MUSH-ROOM (March 29, B1 Maximum,23:00). They’re the highest rated psy-chedelic trance DJs ever by DJ maga-zine, if that sort of thing means anythingto you.

If you’ve been following under-ground music over the past coupleyears, saying Berlin-based should beenough to give you an idea of whatBARBARA MORGENSTERN(March 30, Ikra, 21:00) sounds like.If not, just think indie electro pop,indietronica, or whatever the buzz-word of the moment is. If the namesAPPARAT, ELLEN ALIEN orCONSOLE mean anything to you,you should be in like Flynn.

It’s only fitting that crappy Italianpop-punk band VANILLA SKY(March 31, Tochka, 19:00) took theirname from that horrible CameronCrowe movie: they became famous formaking a "quirky" punk cover ofRIHANNA’s megahit "Umbrella," thatpales to the original. Kind of likeCrowe’s cover version of the movie…

Although post-rock bands are a dimea dozen in Russia, one of the more inter-esting ones is St. Petersburg’sKLEVER (April 4, Aktovy Zal, 20:00),making a rare visit to the capital. Whilethey have a rather psychedelic vibe, thereal thing that differentiates them fromall the other meandering vocal-lessbands populating the scene is theirreliance on Russian folk instrumentssuch as the zhalejka to make interestingnoise.

While I missed NOUVELLEVAGUE’s (April 4, B1 Maximum,21:00) first visit to Moscow last year,apparently there was enough demand tobring them back and double the venuesize. No big shock I guess, who couldn’tget into French lounge cover versions ofthe DEAD KENNEDYS, THECLASH, DEPECHE MODE and oth-ers.

Dark electro bands playing in Moscoware nothing new. Usually, they hail fromScandinavia or one of the darker cornersof Germany. So it’s unusual to see a darkelectro band from the sunny climes ofMexico. Yet that’s where HOCICO(April 5, Tochka, 19:00) claim to comefrom. Dutch industrial dude GRENDELopens.

If you’ve got nothing better to do withyour sad life, go watch a 60-year-oldGLORIA GAYNOR (April 5, B1MAXIMUM, 21:00) lip-synch anextended version of "I Will Survive".Another option is to stay home and orderTranspizza before hanging yourself.

P. 13 THE EXILE MAR 20 - APR 2

F

THE FORTNIGHT SPIN TOP PICKS

FEVERDREAMBilinguaMarch 29, 21:00When Rotterdam’s Feverdream wassupposed to play in Moscow last fallat Projekt OGI, the eXile crew was outin force, only to have the door doofustell us that some local folk band wasplaying instead, and that we shouldn’tbelieve everything we read on theclub’s website. So we went acrossthe street and drank ourselves stupidat Booze Bub instead. This time, wehave much more reliable informationthat the abrasive Dutch indie trio –think Shellac, Q and Not U or Fugazi –will actually show up and take thestage. Locals Analog Sound open.

BACK TO CBGBIkraApril 2, 21:00Nevermind the fact that New York’s CBGBwas a total fucking shithole dive that livedfar beyond its utility, the club will foreverbe romanticized by everyone who wasn’tthere. As such, the promoters of this rockfest have seen fit to appropriate the club’sname, for a display of Moscow’s best andrawest rock bands. The mini-fest (actual-ly about the same number of bands thatwould play CB’s on any given weeknight)is nominally headlined by localRamones-inspired punk band LazyBitches, while our favorites RivushieStruny are one of the openers. Other par-ticipants include Barto, Thunderbirds,The Cavestomphers and the Powlers.

HEADMANSolyankaApril 5, 23:00The latest skeezy motherfucker tobring his new disco sounds toMoscow is German’s Headman, whofirst started making waves in 2003on the Gomma label. He’s sincebeen remixing a veritable Who’sWho of underground rock and discoacts: Franz Ferdinand, Royksopp,Mylo and Annie, among others. Thisshows that either he has taste, orthe guy he paid to write his bio is agood editor. Uber-hip local post-punkers Manicure opens.

ROCKOkean Elzy21.00: B 1 MaximumKalinov Most23.00: B-2Eight Legs (UK)23.00: 16 TonnNogu Svelo23.00: Tabula RasaDie Krupps20.00: ApelsinJAZZ & BLUESNikolay Arutunov& Funky Soul21:00: RoadhouseJazz Piano 20.00: B-2CLUBBIN’DJs Jonny, Tuzov00.30: B-2DJs Carlos Tico,SKAM 21.00: Karma BarDJs Volodya,Budnyak21.00: Krizis ZhanraDJs Ladjak, ZigZag21.00: Kult

DJs Ivanov,Technic, Shevtsov23.00: Fabrique

ROCKSergey Babkin20.00: IkraLeningrad21.00: B 1 MaximumNeils Children23.00: 16 TonnCherdak Ofitsera22.00: Proekt OGIPiknik20.00: ApelsinJAZZ & BLUESJazz Piano20.00: B-2Petrovich-HarmonikaMan21.00: RoadhouseCLUBBIN’DJs Neytino,Fenix, Losev23.00: FabriqueDJs Basic, Tuzov00.30: B-2DJs Ada, Ahmed00.00: Karma BarDJs Volodya,

Valio21.00: Krizis ZhanraDJs Anatoly ICE,Nikolaev22.00: Kult

ROCKThe Unsubs, MassMurder19.00: Tabula RasaAKADO,Dee_waste18.00: B-2Kommutator, Bio19.00: Tochka7Rasa20.00: ApelsinJAZZ & BLUESOpen Blues Jam18.00: RoadhouseSwingCounture22.00: Proekt OGI CLUBBIN’Mighty Party, DJAhmed23.00: Karma BarDJ Shum23.00: IkraSyndicate Records

21.00: Kult

ROCKMemfis, CherezLuny19.00: Tabula RasaStuck Mojo19.00: TochkaJAZZ & BLUESJazz Piano21.00: B-2Dr. Nick21.00: RoadhouseCLUBBIN’Latino non Stop20.00: B-2DJ Partyphone21.00: Propaganda

ROCKHimsa, A LifeOnce Lost19.00: Tabula RasaHaleo21.00: B-2 Nochnoy Prospekt22.00: Proekt OGI

JAZZ & BLUESThe Jumping Cats21.00: RoadhouseCLUBBIN’DJs ZigZag,AnatoliyGerasimov, Philla21.00: Propaganda

ROCKUmka & Bronevik20.00: IkraSteps Arizen,Feniks, Brest,IMHO18.30: TochkaArgument 5.45,Ray19.00: Tabula RasaUnesennie Vetki22.00: Proekt OGIJAZZ & BLUESVadim Ivashenko& Bone Shakers21.00: RoadhouseEdelveis21.00: B-2CLUBBIN’Javybz DJs

WEDNESDAY March 26

TUESDAYMarch 25

MONDAYMarch 24

SUNDAYMarch 23

SATURDAYMarch 22

FRIDAYMarch 21

CALENDARP. 14 THE EXILE MAR 20 - APR 2

CALENDAR P. 15 THE EXILE MAR 20 - APR 2

21.00: PropagandaDJ Spirin &Rock’n’roll Radio21.00: IkraRob Dirton21.00: Kult

ROCKDrugly cats20.00: Tabula RasaNaehvichi &Daniel Kan22.00: Proekt OGINews FromHelsinki20.00: IkraRave TicketSellers22.00: 16 TonnAlekseyHvorostyan21.00: B-2JAZZ & BLUESJazz Hall20.00: B 1 MaximumMihail Mishuris &Orchestra21.00: RoadhouseCLUBBIN’DJs Studinskiy,Sanches21.00: PropagandaHomeListeningDJ`s21.00: B-2DJ Shum23.00: IkraJaVybz dj sessions21.00: Kult

ROCKTequillaJazzz23.00: 16 TonnMara23.00: Tabula RasaNochnie Snaipery20.00: IkraBumboks23.00: B-2VasiliyShumov&Tsentr21.00: B 1 MaximumJAZZ & BLUESJazz Piano20.00: B-2Dirty Dozen21.00: RoadhouseCLUBBIN’DJs Turbomax,Causelove, Loopin23.00: Fabrique

DJ Komotskiy,Gatek21.00: PropagandaDJs Ariel, Tuzov00.30: B-2DJ Zig Zag21.00: Kult

ROCKPaporotnik,Bumboks21.00: B-2Kim & Buran23.00: 16 TonnUta23.00: Tabula RasaMegapolis20.00: IkraThe Tiger Lillies20.00: ApelsinJAZZ & BLUESJazz Piano20.00: B-2Old FashionedBlues Project21.00: RoadhouseCLUBBIN’DJs Philla, Onlee21.00: PropagandaDJs BodyRox &Alexandra Prince23.00: FabriqueDJ Anatoly Ice

21.00: Kult

ROCKFlip19.00: Tabula RasaBarbaraMorgenstern21.00: IkraSoledad Orquestra22.00: Proekt OGIKrec20.00: ApelsinJAZZ & BLUESOpen Blues Jam18.00: RoadhouseCLUBBIN’DJs Anatoly Ice,Tony Key, Kuka23.00: PropagandaDJ Shum23.00: IkraSyndicate Records21.00: Kult

ROCKVanila Sky19.00: Tochka

JAZZ & BLUESDr. Nick21.00: Roadhose Jazz Piano21.00: B-2CLUBBIN’DJ Partyphone21.00: Propaganda

ROCKPraznik, Shluz19.00: Tabula Rasa JAZZ & BLUESMihail Mishuris &Orchestra21.00: RoadhouseCLUBBIN’DJs ZigZag,AnatoliyGerasimov, DJPhilla21.00: Propaganda

ROCKLaxy Bitches,Barto, The Powlers21.00: Ikra

JAZZ & BLUESBeatles Party18.30: RoadhouseCLUBBIN’Javybz DJs21.00: PropagandaRob Dirton21.00: Kult

ROCKUmaturman21.00: IkraJoga21.00: 16 Tonn

JAZZ & BLUESJazz Hall20.00: B 1 MaximumDr. Agranovsky &Cherniy Hleb21.00: RoadhouseCLUBBIN’DJs Studinskiy,Sanches21.00: PropagandaJaVybz dj sessions21.00: Kult

THURSDAYApril 3

WEDNESDAYApril 2

TUESDAYApril 1

MONDAYMarch 31

SUNDAYMarch 30

SATURDAYMarch 29

FRIDAYMarch 28

THURSDAYMarch 27

DADDY’S GIRLSThe say that family is the found-

ation of society. Thank God we haveso many exemplary celebrity familiesto light the way for the rest of us.Families provide guidance and sup-port, and family can help you stay inor out of the tabloids, depending onyour specific needs at the time. Afterall, isn’t that really what it’s all about?

And let’s face it, some celebs needextra support, especially today'syoung female stars. The recipe callsfor sugar and spice and everythingnice — and when you add fame, lotsof hard liquor, red bull and somecrack cocaine, well… let’s just say it’snot pretty. Women are already crazyenough as it is, and these girls needextra special direction. That’s whereDaddy comes in.

OH BABY BABYCurrently the perfect example of

"Daddy knows best," Jamie Spearshas done what no other papa could do:

he made Britney’s pink wig disappear.He made the scary voices with reallybad fake British accents go away. Hebanished the evil scalp-eating exten-sions. He got in there and got his con-servatorship on, cast out the malevo-lent papitude of Osama Lufti andhired bodyguards that actually dotheir job. That’s right, Britney fans -there is hope once again. If this con-tinues, Britney may eventually makethat comeback people keep talkingabout. Now, if only he could get her towear a bra!

JESUS RULESAs if Lindsay "Firecrotch" Lohan

didn't have enough on her hands withher ambitious momager... Even beforeher stint at rehab, her ex-con born-again father has been searching forthe limelight —strike that— reconcil-iation with his eldest daughter. Thesedays, when he’s not thumping hisbible and speaking about how impor-tant his daughter's sobriety is,Michael Lohan is pitching reality TVshow concepts starring... MichaelLohan. This puts a new twist on clas-sic celebudad-famous daughter syner-

gy. The Tabloid Baby websitesummed it up nicely: "He began theyear in prison. He ended the year co-starring as Joseph with a plastic BabyJesus in a live-action nativity displayin the middle of Times Square."Clearly, the road to vicarious stardomwill be a long one for Michael Lohan.Keep praying!

DADDY KNOWS BEST(FRIENDS)

Thanks to the Attack of theCelebrity Reality Show, we were sub-jected to Hogan Knows Best, thetedious disaster that brought usBrooke Hogan. Le sigh. Somehow,against everything that is Natural andGood, Brooke Hogan's sort-of-careerbegan to kind of blossom. We’re notclear on exactly what it is that shedoes, other than wear chaps fashionedout of old jeans and pose for picturesat "events" in dresses custom-madefor the big-boned daughter of a for-mer "wrestling" champion. For now,we are all weathering the scandal ofher parents’ divorce: wouldn’t youknow it, Hulk Hogan allegedly cheat-ed on his wife with Brooke’s (nowex-) best friend. Unfortunately, whatwith Brooke’s blogging about it everyfive minutes, this means an extensionof her already overly-generous fifteenminutes. Hey thanks, Dad!

DADDY DIGS THE DOUBLE D’S!Apparently when you are Jessica

Simpson, you need the kind of sup-port that lifts and separates, especial-ly after your dad announces your brasize to the media. Creeping out every-one within range, Papa Joe - whomanages his two D-list daughters -made a name for himself as numberone skeezy dad a few years ago whenhe told GQ magazine about his eldestdaughter’s sexy funbags. "You can'tcover those suckers up!" And truly,where would Jessica be without herfather? Oh wait, her last albumflopped, her last movie went straightto DVD, and no one’s seen her inweeks! I guess it's time to start plan-ning a strategic nip slip, right Papa?

CRIKEY! ISN’T SHE GOR-GEOUS?

There’s no mistaking it: Bindi is mostdefinitely the Crocodile Hunter’s daugh-ter. And little Bindi Irwin would benowhere today if it weren’t for her nowdeceased daddy, Steve Irwin. Shealready has her own show and hasalready hit the US morning and latenight circuits. But how long will she beable to manipulate the pity and sympa-thies of the American public, guilting usinto tolerating her effervescent vomit-inducing precociousness? We are pow-erless against the feeling that we shouldhave compassion for a young girl wholost her father in a freak accident. (Cha-ching!) Never fear, she’ll be all grownup before we know it. Bindi would makea great stripper name, don’t ya think?

CELEB-RETARDS!

What would Jesus do if hewas a born again dad of acelebrity?

Crikey, it’s Bindi Irwin.And she’s not cryingcrocodile tears.

Brooke Hogan farts in herfather’s general direction.

BAR-DAK CLUB GUIDE

1171

★★ ★ ★★

Cheers:Ginormous new bar-club in the up-and-comingSavvinskaya Nab. Row, opened up by Kostya of Dachafame, and the publisher of this newspaper and Ne Spat’.Huge bar, with several sub-bars on the first floor andupper deck. Also live bands play on the upper deck, andyou can hide out in the VIP there. Prices reasonable,music so far shows impressive range, from Peter Hook(ex-Joy Division/New Order) to DJ Ojo and others. Jeers: Feis kontrol wouldn’t let in under-21 dyevs, leading usto wonder: since when is this the fucking US?! Taxi

predators ream you here. Coat check too small to han-dle the large crowds--hopefully they have that workedout by now.

M: SportivnayaAddress: Savvinskaya Nab. 21Phone: 740-5583

Hours: As many as you can handle

Aktovy Zal

★★ ★

Cheers:We caught a recent Saturday night gig packed full ofbearded types and intelligent-looking chicks. Moscow’spremiere indie spot! Aktovy Zal packs in non-stop localand international indie acts every week from Thursday

to Sunday. There ain’t no other place you’re gonna any-thing closer to indie than here. Jeers:Way out in the boondocks by the thrid ring means youreally have to plan to go here.Cover: cheap, depends on the concertM: BaumanskayaPhone: 265-3935Address: Perevedenovsky per., 18Hours: 8 to late, depends on shows

Apelsin

★★ ★ ★

Cheers:Concert hall has great sound, and gets some of the bestshows in town, from indie faves like Mogwai all the wayup to dinosaur rockers like Nazareth. Easily one of thebest live venues in town. Has bowling and other thingsto keep you busy before or after a show. Concert hallhas in’s and out’s so you can easily slip out to toke inthe courtyard of a neighboring gothic cathedral. Jeers: About a year ago it was pulling the best—by Moscowstandards—bands and packing a crowd. Now it’s soempty, the bartenders started bringing reading materialto work. Sovok bartender alert! Bartender poured us abeer then refused to serve us because he didn’t havechange. Pack your 100R notes, cuz they can’t breakanything higher. Guards force everyone to leave 10minutes after a show ends. Seems far from the solarsystem, even if it isn’t. VIP seating insanely far from thestage, and one of the few places that has blocked views.Small entrance means you may be stuck in line to enteror exit. Cover: depends on the concertM: BarrikadnayaPhone: 253-0253Address: Ul. Malaya Gruzinskaya 15Hours: 12:00 - 05:00

B1 Maximum

★★ ★ ★★

Cheers:Still has no soul and can ruin many gigs with its vastcold vibe, but service is improving. You no longer haveto stand 30 min. in line for an overpriced drink. Imageof Gogol Bordello frontman Eugent Hutz piggybackingon B1’s asshole bouncers when they tried to stop thefun is STILL the image of the year. Multiple bars makeit easy to get a drink if the club is relatively empty,which is a mixed blessing. The Chemical Brothers showwas a rare perfect match for this place, with the bestlight/video show we’ve seen in a while. Jeers: Lindquist and Levine tried leaving about 1 minute intoNoFX’s set but the concert was so oversold it tookabout 30 minutes to get the fuck out. What’s more thewhole eXile team got kicked out of the VIP zonebecause they ran out of VIP bracelets. We haven’t seenbathrooms this nasty since Leningradsky Vokzal. Hasabsolutely no atmosphere whatsoever. Cover: depends on the concertM: Leninsky Prospekt / ShabolovskayaPhone: 648-6777Address: Ul. Ordzhonikidze 11Hours: 18:00 - 06:00

B2

★★ ★ ★

Cheers:It took B1 Maximum to make B2 seem like a cool indieclub. One of the only places to attract any sort of crowdon Sundays. Good place if U like ‘em young and impres-sionable. Cheap, giant venue that kicks butt when it’sfull. Good live acts. Three different restaurants, includ-ing reasonably priced sushi, under one roof. Musicdoesn’t impede conversation in the restaurants, but isloud enough to not have to make the effort to think ofanything to say. Jeers: Easily some of the most sovok and least service-orient-ed staff in town. Prices may seem bizarre consideringthat this is supposed to be a dive rock club. Sufferingfrom multiple-personality disorder. Empties out earlyeven on weekends.

Cover: dependsM: MayakovskayaPhone: 209-9918Address: Bolshaya Sadovaya ul. 8

Barfly

★★ ★

Cheers: Recent 4AM visit saw off-duty Help bartenders gettin’down, so U know they mix the drinks well here! After along n ight of drinking and not getting drunk, thewhiskey-colas really starte hitting us here! Drunkendyev factor on the rise, and you know if a girl’s partyinghere she’s ready fo’ anything! Asking the barman to getcreative can have serious consequences... Killer under-ground dive run by the same folks who brought you denof debauchery McCoys. From the looks of it, folks’ll bedrinking just as much here. Part of the million-cock-tails-to-choose-from wave launched by Help. Littleframes cover the walls with descriptions of the drinksavailable. Tasty and cheap menu that lets U decide whatgoes in your noodle dish. Jeers: eXile alert! Barfly is apparently so popular now that youhave to book a table to get in. Yes, U heard us right: Uhave to book a table at a fucking dive bar. Service andnoodles not at the level we remembered. Crowd can bePrague-like in that faux-boho sort of way. The best adyet for NY’s anti-smoking laws; an evening here is theequivalent of a three-pack a day habit for a year.Crowded, but little in the way of babes on recent week-end visit. M: ChekhovskayaAddress: Strastnoi blvr. 6 str. 2Phone: 209-2779Hours: 24 hours

Bourbon Street

★ ★ ★★

Cheers: A good place to chill with one whiskey, one scotch, andone beer at the bar, or sit at a table with a friend or two,but don’t come expecting to make friends or lift out ofyour depression. Lately it’s been feeling even moredead than usual, but whatever, it’s August. The man-agement had a come-to-Jesus talk with staff after webusted them playing techno, making this one of themost customer-friendly bars this side of the NATOdivide. This little still-undiscovered "neighborhood dive"offers some unusually wild entertainment when youleast expect it. Deceptively humble veneer hides allsorts of sexual shenanigans which Ames and his chickboth witnessed and participated in ... We were about tocomplain that the music’s too loud, but then we remem-bered that’s how dives oughta be! Jeers: Often has a “feised at Propka” vibe. Gets uncomfortablypacked on weekends. eXpat galore. Kitchen could use alittle “umph.”M: Kitai GorodPhone: 980-1058 Address: Bol. Zlatoustinsky Per. 7/1 (next toPropaganda)Hours: nearly all of ‘em

Booze Bub

★ ★ ★

Cheers:Gets TOTALLY packed on weekends, making this anideal pre-party venue for those hitting Tema next door.Pissed off that there’s not a single Thurs. night go-tobar that actually has chicks? Then Bub’s your answer.Recent Thursday night visit revealed a place packedwith easy, desperate student and secretary dyevs.Recently opened by the Help/Tema crew, which is aalready a good sign. Located next door to Tema, if youneed a break from the Duck-esque atmosphere there.Spacious bar and good cocktails. Combines the intima-cy of an Irish pub with the spaciousness of a Germanbierhall. Their beer really does taste better.Jeers: Sovok vest-wearing grampa tried facing eXile editorsZaitchik and Yasha during a recent visit. We’re used togetting feised by goons, but this was something differ-ent, and somehow more humiliating. Recent Saturdayevening visit found BB totally empty, but we were toldthat in order to sit down we would need to make areservation a week in advance. WTF? Needless to say,we went somewhere that actually wanted our money. Atad bit phallocentric on a recent visit. May need sometime to get packed full of the reasons we like to visitHelp and Tema. M: Chistye PrudyAddress: Potapovsky Per. 5, bld. 2Phone: 621-4717Hours: Round the clock

Cafe Royal

★ ★

Cheers: Man, oh man! This was Katz’s last review. Brings a tearto our eyes just thinking about it. What did she have tosay about it? Well, it’s a basement jazz/blues club withconstant live acts. If you’re into this kind of scene, thenyou’ll probably like it. It’s got a wide selction of food,rooms that you can rent out for parties. Royal’s informalfeel and the large schools of aging snappers it drawswill make American women feel especially comfortablehere...Jeers: ...and we’re not sure that’s a good thing.Cover: Depends on who’s playingM: Chistye PrudyPhone: 607-0969, 607-9172Address: Ashcheulov per., 9Hours: 12PM to 6AMWebsite: www.caferoyal.ru

Che

★★★ ★ ★★

Cheers: eXile alert! eXile staff party introduced Zaitchik to hisfirst batch of drunken dyevs dancing on bar, tables andeventually winding down in his lap. Thurs. night crowdpacks a solid mix of young office types and aging sec-retary molls looking to get down. Food’s pretty good as

far as drinking fare goes, especially the tacos and somekind of S. American samosas. Jeers: Black Magic Woman and other Santana trash keep youpraying for the techno DJ to come back on. A bunch ofolder bursetka-carrying semi-gopniks in spandex shirtsmanage to mix in with the office talent. Fish tacos wererotten. Ginormous bouncers try to keep everyone out,but apparently if you have a reservation it’s no prob-lem...M: LubyankaPhone: 621-7477Address: Nikolskaya Str. 10/2Hours: 12pm-9am

Club XIII

★★ ★★ ★★★

Cheers: You can go home again! Girls will sometimes hit on youjust for being a foreigner! XIII’s got a good thing goin’,with raunchy caberet shows, teetering ladies, and justenough face control to make you feel like you achievedsomething by getting in! Last Saturday XIII was on,catching a good niche somewhere between Fabriqueand Leto, though closer to Fabrique (thank god).Selection of E’d out and liquored up chicks spottedhere. Ames got coralled into a rather suggestive freak-ing bout with a hot offduty bargirl from a certainSwedish nightclub. The club that set the standard andopened the era of elitny giant nightclubs is back after aseveral-year hiatus. Top notch DJs, friendly girls, notquite as grotesquely elitny as Leto, makes this a goodalternative to Fabrique, esp if you’re tired of the latter’scrowds and petty thieves.Jeers: Recent Shalya-less party was duller than a Death Pornkitchen knife. Very very pricy drinks. We kind of miss,in retrospect, the dark opium dens, where anythingcould and did happen. M: Chisty PrudyAddress: Myasnitskaya 13Hours: Wed-Sun, 10pm - 6am

Denis Simachev Bar

★ ★★★ ★★

Cheers: eXile alert! DS showed its humane side by wavingwheelchair-bound eXile editor Yasha Levine throughface control. At first we gave this place two stinkythumbs down, but now we’ve reconsidered. We nowproclaim DS the best elitny dive in town! If you’ve seenthe Sochi Olympics ads running on CNN, then youmight recognize the Rice Rocket bike done up in aRussian folk design paint job that was featured in the adand is now permanently chained to DS’s entrance. EvenSimachev is doing his part to make Russia’s crack pipeOlympic dream a reality! One of Moscow’s top design-ers opened this bar in his designer boutique.Jeers: Notice we changed the beer factor from one to twostars. DS has finally done what we’ve been expecting,they’ve doubled their prices. Manages to cram the mostannoying elements of Moscow pafos into the space ofwalk-in closet. It’s become Moscow’s hippest weekdayelitny hangout and the newest roost forOpera/Dyagelev/Krisha molls on their off night. Attractsdroves of rich Russian dudes doing the Planet of theApes routine around their expensive cars and bikes out-side.M: TeatralnayaPhone: 629-8085Address: Stoleshnikov Per. 12Hours: 12:00-06:00

Duma

★★★ ★

Cheers:There’s a lot to like about this place, assuming you canfind it: Fun young student crowd, no moving cars insight, surrounded by quiet back streets, great music:heavy on 60s rare grooves, soul, and funk, nice patio,good food. In the summertime they put a ping-pongtable outside. Neighborhood bar feel where everyoneknows each other is weird to see, but feels good. Nofeis control. This might be the place where Krizis hon-eys retire. Tons of sweet dyevs that all seem to bestudying architecture. People here actually dance withjoy in their faces. Very little bullshit. Ceasar salad pret-ty good, too.Jeers:Known to blast annoying artsy French music at insanedecibel levels. The last time we went we had to climb afence or two to get there. Sometimes the hippie elementis a bit thick and the riggers seem to be taking a likingto this place. And that just don’t bode well...Cover: NoneM: Okhotnyi RyadPhone: 692-1119Address: 12:00 - 6:00

Fabrique

★★★ ★★ ★★

Cheers: Still the most babe-a-licious club in town, at least whereyou aren’t expected to pay for special favors. Shockingincident confirmed Fabrique as an eXile favorite. A guyOD’d on drugs and was dragged out to the front of theclub. Amazingly, while paramedics unsuccessfully triedto resuscitate the OD victim (not applying CPR), a groupof hot rich chicks pulled up in the Merc and, decidingthat they weren’t gonna let a death and drug raid ruintheir evening, stopped the car, opened the doors, andblasted techno while they danced and laughed. ThinkPropaganda circa ‘00, only with more space to movearound. U might not get laid that night, but one dateshould do it. High student/expat factor, low pafus! Jeers: eXile alert! Eventhough Levine rode up to the club in ablack Merc, he got feised because of his disability.Recent signs point to the fact that Fabrique is goingdown hill. Bored babe factor is on the rise. Peoplestanding around as if waiting for something to happen.We’ve given these guys way too many props to getfeised here, especially when we’re not fall-down drunk.Beware of thieves! M: NovokuznetskayaPhone: 953-6576/540-9955Address: Kosmodamianskaya Nab. 2Hours: 18:00 - 06:00

= Fakhie Factor! will you do“it” tonight? ★ = no, even

Abramovich couldn’t scorehere ★★ = roll up in a Merc

or wave yer passportaround; otherwise, expect todo some talkin’ ★★★ =

pack pepper spray, cuz Uneed protection

= Feis Kontrol Factor! will Uget past the thug manningthe door? ★ = even fat

embassy employees can getin ★★ = if you read FHM or

Elle, you’re fine ★★★ = if you

can’t have the art directorkilled, you’re not gettin’ in

= Foam Factor! Will cheap-0 eXile readers be able toafford the beer? ★ = Up to

150R per beer ★★ = 150-

300R per beer ★★★ =

300-3000R per beer

= Starvin’ Silovik! This isn’t arating factor, folks. It meansthat under the new regime,there is no room for thisestablishment. The place isclosed, gone, kaput.Siyonara.

= Remont Factor! Russia isconstantly improving andrestructuring itself underPutin, and this place iscurrently striving to main-tain a socially responsibleand modern interior

Things That Do & Don’t Suck The eXile decoding KEY

&BBAARRSS

CCLLUUBBSS

bar•dak n [Russ, ·‡‰‡Í, brothel, chaos] slang (1997)

MAR 20 - APR 2P. 16 THE EXILE

BAR-DAK CLUB GUIDE

Gradus Bar

★ ★★ ★★

Cheers:The bar is so massive it could fit at least two soccerfields in this basement, which was built in 1913. eXile ‘sofficial club reviewer Babooshka’s sources say it usedto host Stalin’s private movie theater. A lot of semi-provincial babettes and bilan-topped dudes. Most of thechicks are highly depressive secretaries or hard-work-ing accountants-types who would love for you to laysome pipe on them, and are not unlike the chicks whofrequent the cafe disco in Babooshka’s aunt’s village.The bar boasts not only a great selection of beers andGerman wurst but also two dance floors and a veryexpensive set of music equipment for live shows. Jeers:Plays music that even Medvedev would like.

Address: 26, Sretenka Str. Phone: 607-07-13M: SukharevskayaHours: daily, 12.00 – 00.00

Help

★★ ★ ★

Cheers: eXile alert! Ignore previous comments about weekendsbeing hit or miss: every Friday and Saturday (and anincreasing number of weeknights) is packed full ofdrunk sluts dancing on the floor, on the tables, and onthe bar. While the rest of Moscow’s bars and clubs areturning gay, thank God there’s one place still keeping itreal for the homophobes. Non-dyke lesbo activity hasbeen steadily on the rise. One time, upon sitting down,a girl from a neighboring table came over and said: “I’msorry, I lost a bet” and then proceeded to get up on hertable and do a striptease! Later we saw two babes prac-tically fucking on the dancefloor, and the night endedwith a flat-chested chick flashing us repeatedly. Greatplace to start or end a bender. The director is a seriouscocktail afficionado (and award-winning barman) whohas come up with a variety of unusual and at timesfrightening cocktails, all reasonably priced. Casualwoodsy interior, relaxed crowd, decent service. LongIsland Iced tea for 150r. Try the “red hot slammer.”Bartenders often seen at tables whipping up fresh con-coctions, slamming glasses on tables, and lightingthings on fire. Jeers: During our last visits, the place was half-alive. But then,it was 6pm... But that shouldn’t be an excuse. UnmixedWhite Russians almost caused an unplanned pukingsession. Nachos were weak. 200 cocktails might over-whelm the indecisive types. We spotted a table ofmungy Lonely Planet type expats.M: BelorusskayaPhone: 995-9535Address: 1st Tverskaya-Yamskaya 27, bldg 1Hours: always

Hot Dogs

★★ ★ ★

Cheers: It’s hard to believe, but the Boar House is back on thescene, reborn in exactly the same spot but with a newname, a new coat of paint and well... we’re not sure justyet, but we’re hoping it’s an injection of human growthhormoes that’ll keep it going well beyond its years. Restassured, the working girls are still waiting for you to laydown your pipe.

Jeers: The sinks and faucets weren’t hooked up when we werethere.M: Kurskaya Phone: 917-0150Address: Zemlyanoy Val, 26Hours: all the ones you’ll ever need

Ikra

★★ ★ ★

Cheers:Finally an indie/hipster bar hits town that’s more or lesstasteful to boot. Gets everyone from today’s new kidson the block to ageing giants still worth checking inon—bottom line: tons o’ interesting acts, every month,without fail. And there’s no better place to watch/heck-le a small gig than in Ikra’s small hall, more intimatethan NYC’s Knitting Factory but gets the same caliber orbigger gigs. Food surprisingly edible.Jeers: Finally gave us club cards, but make us wait at the barfor a manager every time we try to use it. WTF!? Addedhookah menu just to fuck wid us. Gets unbearably hotand stuffy inside when there’s a packed gig like therecent Kid Koala show. Surly bartenders sometimescan’t be bothered to pour you a beer. Cover: Up to 600R depending on the eventM: KurskayaPhone: 505-5351Address: Ul. Kazakova 8A

Justo Banya Douche

★★ ★★★ ★★★

Cheers:Located on the grounds of an old banya, JBD is the lat-est addition to the Moscow’s indie-eitny club scene.Harder to get into and more expensive than Solyanka, itstill manages to retain a “casual is cool” attitude, evenif people’s threads cost more than we make in a month.To prove that Russian elitny is turning indie, Babooshkapicked up a chick with nothing more than a 300 rubledrink and a MacBook. But for all it’s indie charm, itdoesn’t mean you’ll get through face control unlessyour driver dropped you off on your E500 Merc.Jeers: Who’s going to jeer hot elitny Russian Chicks in vin-tage-looking jeans and tight ironic tee’s?Cover: NoneM: LubyankaPhone: 625-6836Address: Teatralniy proezd 3Hours: daily from 6pm, concerts on weekends at 9pm.

Kalina Bar

★ ★★★ ★★★

Cheers:Fancy-assed bar on the 21st floor with a fantasticpanoramic view of Moscow. Chic clientelle, lots of 30-something yuppies and the odd gauche New Russian tospice things up. Somebody tried their sushi and said itwas not bad.

Jeers:Very expensive. Techno music so loud you’d think youwere in a provincial Azeri restaurant. This is a bar, folks!People are supposed to be able to at least hear what the

person next to him is screaming.Club: Kalina BarAddress: 8, Novinskiy Boulevard (Lotte Plaza, 21floor). Phone: 229-55-19M: SmolenkayaHours: 11:00 – 06:00, daily

★★ ★ ★★

Cheers: eXile alert! Katz nearly had to beat the dirty sluts pilingup onto her man with a stick. And she would have too,if the dude wasn’t such a pussed out wanker and fellback from the action himself. The place is so jam-pack-et with salivating sluts hungry for male action, you’dthink you were in a bad porno horror rip off. All they gotto do is get a whiff of your phermones and damn dothese girls move! The only way to sate them is buythem round after round of cheap-o booze. Oh yeah andthere’s serious Latin Dance stuff going on.Cheers/Jeers: The cover charge. Damn, what’s up with dat. What timeiz we livin’ in? To get to the overflow gardirob, you haveto walk about two kilometers through a dark and wind-ing underground tunnel. You might never find your wayback!Cover: 200R for chicks, 300R for dudes on weekends(liberal face control)M: Kuznetsky MostPhone: 624-5633Address: Ul. Pushechnaya 3 (just down from Hola Mexico)Hours: Thurs.-Sun.: 21:00 - 6.00

Krizis Zhanra

★★ ★★ ★

Cheers: eXile alert! Well, we be gosh darned! We hadn’t beenhere for anything other than peaceful lunch since lastspring. We’re happy to report that place hadn’t changeda bit. KZ still packs in the young and available babesthat say “yes” almost as if we had paid for it. eXile edi-tors no longer embarrassingly halted at the door byKrizis’ notoriously Nazi face control. Nash seems tohave finaly solved the problem. This place continuous-ly packs in babe-o-licious dyevs almost any day of theweek and they love rock’n’roll! No joke, folks: we had tosee it ourselves to believe. Some eXile insiders claimit’s the best place in town to meet a wife. THE place tomeet a girl you can spoon with... plenty of approachablebabes, but they require a little wooing. Very impressivecrowd, including lots of single hipsters and one chick ina Kajagoogoo outfit.They’ve done a surprisingly goodjob recreating the atmosphere of the ol’ KZ, creating apafus-free zone for all you bo-hos, without the dirt andgrime of Lyotchik. Combines student-y types with intel-legensia, upwardly mobile yuppies and a smattering ofexpats. Less pressure to get wasted than at Bourbon St.Jeers: If you’re not as well-connected as an eXile editor, youwill still experience face control at a Nazi Level fromThurs. to Sun. Techno music gets progressively loud asthe weekdays approach Friday. Because it’s a non-pafusny kinda place, there’re plenty of cows mixed inwith the talent. Reminds us of our Golden Days of loveand youth and springtime, which then reminds us of thefact that we’z old. Long Islands, although cheap, ranksomewhere between “bizarre” and “non-alcoholic fruityass” on the scale of things. Can be a bit boring if noconcert is happening.

Queers: Every ThursdayM: Chistye Prudy / Kitai GorodPhone: 623-2594, 778-2234Address: Pokrovka 16/16, str. 1Hours: 24/7

Krisha

★★★ ★★★ ★★★

Cheers:After a good run this winter, the eXile’s luck may be uphere. Or maybe we just look especially Chechen withour summer tans and long beards. And furry hats. Inany case, we’ve been faced on repeat by theObergruppenfuhrer at the door since July. We’re hopingthat’ll change with the coming of fall and the return ofour pale faces. If you can get in, then note that the placeis packed with amazing wildlife—the whole range offauna is here. Main dance floor on the rooftop, partlycovered, is where the action is, but the downstairs dark-er dancefloor may be where you’ll get luckier. The chill-out space is one of the plushest in town. Jeers: See above. M: You don’tAddress: Naberezhnaya near Hotel UkrainaHours: 19:00 - late

MOTORHOME

★ ★

Cheers/Jeers:In the words of Jared’s little brother Eric Linquist: “Thisplace was decked out like some sort of futuristic, ratedR version of Chuck E. Cheese with a huge bar and rowsof racing simulation pods lining the walls. Instead ofgay furry mascots, the place was packed full of Russiango-go dancers in sexy racing outfits doing lesbo showson the freakin' bar. I mean, damn!” That’s right, it’s aclub specializing in hi-tech F1 racing simulators. Thosecrazy Muscovites! What’ll they come up with next? Playbrothels for kid birthday parties? On top of that, theplace got billiard tables and is jam-packed with flatscreens showing like 20 differnt sporting events all atthe same time. No need to chat chicks up while gettingthem drunk enough to go home with you. Here, you canjust race them until they pass out behind the wheel.Thank god for video games.Jeers:The place just opened. Developing...

M: NovoslobodskayaAddress: Novoslobodskaya 20Hours: till 1 a.m.Phone: 789-8854Web: www.motordom.ru

MOST

★ ★★★ ★★★

Cheers:Fancy-assed new oligarch lair, reportedly funded by90s-oligarch Mamut, once known as the banker to theYeltsin family. And it shows. No stops are pulled fromthe multi-zillion-dollar display of cars out front, to theheinously overpriced food upstairs, to the way-outta-your-league ‘garch-hunting babeage downstairs, wherethe music and dancing are.

Jeers:Jeering Most is like jeering the oligarchs themselves. M: Okhotniy RyadPhone: 660-0705Address: 6/3 Kuznetskiy Most

Hours: Club open Fri to Sat 8pm to 6am. Restaurantopen from 8am till last guest on weekdays, 24 hours on

weekends.

Papa’s Place

★★ ★ ★★

Cheers: Still redefining the meaning of “packed with drunkensluts.” Someone forgot to tell them that it’s not the 90sanymore. No-holds-barred wet T contest shows moreskin than most strip clubs! Proof that there’s still aplace in Moscow where the dyevs are plenty and notafraid to drink. We haven’t had this much fun sincePutin came to power! Papa’s four-day ninth birthdaybash took so much out of us, our livers are on vacationtil next year. Absolutely friggin’ packed full of sluts anddrunk eXholes, with everyone drinking. This is it folks,no unsurmountable face control, no eXtreme prices,tons of approachable offerings and now they even haveAmerica’s finest brew available: Bud. Thursday "OfficeNight" rawqs: free food offerings, like the awesomepizza, and an adavantageous chick-to-unit ratio. Wealso saw one of the drunkest Neanderthals of our liveshere, devouring his pizza while his dyev girlfriendslapped him and pulled his ear to leave. Latin dancingnights are the ONLY game in town on Tuesday! Our lastvisit saw a mix of sluts and balding guys, and if they canscore surely U can too! Jeers: The “special” green St. Patrick’s beer was just plain-obottles of cheap Holsten in green bottles. The crew ofcreepy drunk midgets pretending to be leprechaunsthey had running around did not consist of any midgetdyevs. U may need to beg for an invite to office partynight, due to its popularity. Latin night downside: Umay have to dance to have a chance. There’s such athing as too packed with sluts... like when you have towait 30 min just to pay the cover. Wouldn’t letRudnitsky in on Halloween in his sportivny costum, asthe okhronik really believed he was a Caucasian bandit. Cover: 150R on weekends, free-ish during the weekM: Chistye PrudyPhone: 755-9554Address: Myasnitskaya Ul. 22 (inside Johnny’s)Hours: Always

Propaganda

★★★ ★★ ★

Cheers:eXile crazy dyev alert! One eXile editor snagged a chickhere that demanded he hit her in the face, and she lovedevery cheekbone-crushing smack. Meanwhile, anothermember of the eXile editorial team pulled a barely saneart studentka that dragged him on a Moscow stripcluband whore-banya tour. Other clubs come and go, butPropaganda’s somehow managed to stay packed allthese years with the right mix of grunge, glamour and,most importantly, student dyevs that haven’t yetlearned they should hate you if your watch ain’t expen-sive enough. And yes, this is the only place in a city of12 million that is packed on Thursdays. The best placein town to get gals’ digits, even if they won’t go homewith you immediately. The food rawks, and the pricesare right. Maybe we’z getting old, but we find ourselveshere oogling the biz-lunch crowd much more often thanthe disco crowd. Jeers: When the fuck did Propaganda become elitny?! RecentFriday night visit ended at the door when we were toldthe club was having a private party. After accusing thepromoter of lying to us, we were told: “Whether I am

P. 17 THE EXILE MAR 20 - APR 2

ME SOHO-NIEFOR PAFOSA trip into the newest,most uber-elitny club

By Dmitriy Babooshkapflanze@yandex.ru

I’m not an economist, just a humbleclub reviewer and a film star, but Iconsider Moscow’s clubbing scene tobe in a state of decay. So many nice venues have been shut downover the past year, I’m tired of counting them all. It doesn’t matterif the club was for the student or oligarch crowd – everything from30/7 and Too Drunk to Fuck, to the Millionaire club with its glitzy

parties, all closed down. And I’m not even counting the smallshops, cafes or restaurants that now have "arenda" rent posters ontheir windows.

I’m curious about how it’s going for new investors who bravelyinvest money into new clubs in Moscow. This is actually one of thetheological reasons why I review clubs and examine their survivalpractices.

I was sharing these deep thoughts with my film-industry col-league Kostyan when we hit the town on a Friday night after a longhard working week. I got another new acting role, still small, but Itook part in all four series that were filmed last week. Once you getinto it, production seems to have no end! So I was ready for awell-deserved break to be celebrated with fun and glamour.

It was my lucky night because Kostyan was on the guest list forthe new SOHO ROOMS so I had my one chance to get in. All myprevious calls to the managers saying that I write for The eXile andthey want me to review SOHO were either unanswered or rudelydismissed: "We don’t need any PR, especially from your paper,we’re doing okay without it." Oh, boy! I’ve seen so many placesthat did okay in the beginning and where are they now? Following

the concept that a real reviewer should be incognito, we headed toSavvinskaya Naberezhnaya to the address we already knew wellfor its lovely and spacious1171 bar.

For the past four months Moscow in-the-know crowd was excit-ed by the rumors of the new project opened by D’Lux promo groupknown for its teenage r’n’b projects like Infinity or Opera. SohoRooms boasts a great concept featuring four rooms – a bar, din-ing room, dance floor and a swimming pool on the roof, which isdue to open this summer.

A lot of my friends told me that SOHO’s face control is one ofMoscow’s harshest, so you can easily understand why Europeanclubbers already exchange legends about getting into our clubs.The front was jam-packed with elitny Mercs and we had to pay1,000 rubles to park Kostyan’s modest Range Rover, not becausewe wanted to show it off, but because there wasn’t a single openspace to park it within a mile!

The entrance to SOHO is guarded as tightly as Luzhkov’s ass.Six guards on the back row, four in the front with the hugest guyasking "Are you on the list?" There is no facekontrolshik outside.Security reports your identity first and after approval from theinvisible man over the radio you may be allowed into the "upperworld." Not many people from the queue joined us. A well-dresseddude ahead us was advised by security to "go home and changehis shoes." After what I witnessed at the entrance, I was expect-ing to see something like Studio 54 inside, only better.

Well, it was very glitzy inside. So glitzy that at first you get blindby the Swarovski chandeliers and other expensive lighting equip-ment. Then you notice high-quality leather couches and solid ele-ments of the interior. Then you notice dressed-to-kill charmingdyevs either smiling at their oligarchs or smiling at you in casethey are on their own. The first impression we got from the clubwas that it reminded us of MOST. So it was a time to check the realquality, which is always my mission.

We were hungry and after few chilling and skillfully-serveddrinks (mojito – 550 rubles, pina colada – 300 rubles) in the barroom we joined the crowd of gourmands in the dining room.

The crowd inside the dining room (as well as in the club) couldhardly be called "bohemian" in my opinion. It looked more like abunch of strippers were invited for a company Board meeting.Men in suits with lifeless eyes (except for the lucky ones ridingCharlie) were accompanied by their soul-and-body-for-moneyblond arm candy girls.

One of my Canadian friends, when I asked him if he liked livingin Moscow, said it was nice but he saw too many smokestacks intown. I was surprised with his answer and asked for details. Theexplanation was simple – in Canada they don’t have any factoriesor other industrial facilities inside the city limits, all of them are atleast 30 kilometers away by zoning laws. In Moscow we have allsorts of factories and chimneys even inside the Garden ring if youtake a close look.

So the excellent view from Soho Rooms windows afforded us agood panorama of Moscow’s smokestacks. You can enjoy seeingmassive plant with five huge chim-neys and the smoke coming out of itacross the embankment. According tothe press-release it is called "wonder-ful river view."

Each dish we ordered from Sohokitchen (run by Tim, a fantastic cheffrom Washington) came with anorchid flower. The waiter told us that "these flowers are inedible."Tim is known as a real artist with food, in the haute American cui-sine way. I personally prefer haute European cuisine, but everyonewas very impressed, and I understand that Mark Ames is a big fanof Tim’s food, so I’ll keep my mouth shut here.

In my the opinion restaurant like a dance floor. Nice to see allthese girls with shiny lips (and may be imagine some of them dur-ing routine sex with your girlfriend) but better keep a distance tokeep you balls safe and money secure.

I was dating a girl like this a year ago and our romance lastedabout one month. One of the things Ilona asked me on our firstdate was, "My last boyfriend was spending ten grand a month forme, what will be your contribution be?" All the time all she wouldtalk about is the price of her dress or some cashmere sweater andwhere she bought it. Then she disappeared one morning becausethe presents I brought her were not expensive enough.

Well, as my friend told me, this kind of girl will always wind upwith more money than you. Though Ilona’s blowjobs anywhereanytime, from a restaurant we’d visit to a car then on the elevator– that will stay in my loving memory forever. So, my friends, ifyou’re interested in these kinds of romances and have enoughcash to pay for your sins, Soho Rooms is the right place for you.But hurry up, soon this place may not be there! Or my reviewersense is wrong.

CLUB REVIEW

Club: Soho RoomsAddress: 12, Savvinskayanab. Phone: 988 7474M: you don’tHours: bar and restaurant –24/7, clubbing on weekends

Updated

BAR-DAK CLUB GUIDElying to you or not, it is still a private party.” Be ready toenter tight ribbed-sweater territory, where the linebetween metrosexual and flamin’ fag is awfully thin.Going after you’ve had a few too many sets the stage forsome eXtremely painful rejections. Girls here drankmore in the Yeltsin era. Queers: Sunday nights are ‘gay’ nightsM: Kitai GorodPhone: 624-5732Address: Bolshoi Zlatoustinsky per. 7Hours: Sun-Thurs 12:00-06:00, Fri-Sat ‘til 08:00

Prosto Bar

★★ ★ ★★

Cheers: Is the grimy industrial zone around Belorussky vokzalslowly turning into the new, less arty, more elitnyVinzavod. Or is this club just an indie version of PapaJohn’s? We’re not sure, but they sure do pack a lot ofhot young dyevs ready to boogie all the way to yourpad. Cheap booze, cheap and decent food.Jeers: Euro pop.M: Belorusskaya Phone: 257-0717Address: 17, 1-ya Yamskogo Polya Ul.Hours: 11:00 - till last guest

The Real McCoy

★★★ ★ ★

Cheers: eXile alert! McCoy’s has entered the 22nd century byinstalling the eXile’s toilet-stall newspaper stands!Folks, now you can read the eXile while vomiting outyour Long Island Iced Tea...all 8 of ‘em! BunsMcGillicuddy recently spotted doing shots with mullet-master Dima Bilan! Pay your respects...and pay theprice for all that fun ‘n shame ‘n shitfaced inebriation.We’d been staying away out of concern for our livers,but one Friday night was enough to realize why liversare overrated! This place has so many hot and drunksluts that you don’t have time to focus on one beforethe next demands your attention. Newbies in Moscowhave been known to go into catatonia when they enterthis place. We admit: Thursday nights are hit or miss,although recent visits have leaned much more to the“hit” side of the equation. Perhaps the best place to bereintroduced to Moscow night life after spending thelong New Year’s holidays in the de-sexed Westernworld. THE most dangerous place to go for weeknightnightcaps! We defy you to leave after just one drink.Hell, we defy you to leave after two! More 10PM lastcalls have turned into 3AM “oh fucks” than we cancount! McCoys is the closest thing to a guarantee thisside of Night Flight. Always some table of desperatesluts here, even when it’s otherwise empty. Often fea-tures the kind of drunken madness that was banned bythe Geneva Convention. They let you pass out at thetables! Chances are if you wake up in Yugo-Zapadnayawith a bunch of Mexicans in a hail storm, you were atMcCoys the night before. If there’s a way to get kickedout, we haven’t found it! Packed ‘til late. Jeers: Are they trying to push a blow habit on us by feising usfor drunkeness at 4am? Don’t go here sober—thehuman fauna might be startling. Some sluts so ugly,even the jumbo Long Island won’t make you want them.Getting a drink on a weekend night requires a half-hourof screaming and waving money at the bartenter.Occasionally packed with people we would really rathernever run into again. Don’t even think about headingonto the dance floor with an open drink in hand. M: BarrikadnayaPhone: 255-41-44Address: Kudrinskaya pl. 1 (in the towering Stalindom)Hours: Always

Restovratsaya

★★ ★ ★

Cheers: Babooshka was taken here by a slightly older rich chickwho owned a couple of clothing stores. He’d never beento a place like this, where Russia’s aging—and afflu-ent—intelligentsia go to spend their evenings. Wait,this should be going into jeers... Jeers: No DJs or go-go dancers, only jazz jam sessions, the-ater performances, Argentinean milonga dances, bluesnights, French chanson, a cigar room and well you getthe freakin’ idea. No easy sluts here, only aging trophywives and modestly-dressed daughters of Conservatoryteachers or Tretyakov gallery advisors. What kind of19th century aristoracy bullshit is this? Address: 7, Leontyevskiy pereulok Phone: 290-59-69M: Tverskaya (10 min. walk)Hours: 17:00 – 05:00, daily

Road House

★★ ★ ★

Cheers: You wouldn’t know it, but there’s a genuine neighbor-hood blues joint in Moscow that sort of reminds us ofthe kinds of blues bars you’d find in mid-sized cities inAmerica like Fresno or Dayton. And we mean that in agood way. Live blues every night, cozy atmosphere,absolutely no pafos or feis kontrol, cheap drinks andfood. 30% discount for journalists, doctors and musi-cians! Lots of bliny, decent amount of groups of singlechicks in tight jeans and 80s hairdos, tasty “PorkBarbados” for only 190r. Check out their music pro-gram and give it a shot, esp if you live in the area.Jeers: The whole “real people” suburban blues thing is not foreveryone. While we saw a great Norwegian act playing(and the crowd loved it), we would expect some acts tosing “blues” with heavy Russian accents. Gets crowdedso it can be hard to get a table.Cover: only during shows, depends on actM: SportivnayaPhone: 245-4183 Address: Ul. Dovatora 8 (close to metro)Hours: noon-midnight

Sakhar

★★ ★★ ★★

Cheers/Jeers: This is another one of those elitny-indie hybrid clubs.eXile’s official club afficianado Dmitry Babooshka says

this place is not to be missed. There’s a lot of teenaction here, but of the progressive kind, meaning she’llbe impressed even if an iPhone is the most expensiveaccessory you own. How else do you think Babooshkaget to screw a young dyev in a telephone booth? So far,that’s the best argument we’ve heard for getting aniPhone.Jeers: No one on The eXile staff (except Babooshka) has one. M: SukharevskayaPhone: 607-2838Address: 235/25 Sretenka St.Hours: Thu - Fri: 12:00 - 09:00

Silver’s

★ ★ ★★

Cheers: eXile alert! Yasha nearly got whacked by a dude wholooked like a cartoon version of an Italian mafioso fromMiami for snickering at him and his aging Russian troll.You’ll hear more of the Queen’s English here than atOxford... Packed on weekends that you might have tolisten in from the doorstep. Steve has created thefavorite hangout for British castaways in town, with alively pub feel to it any day of the week. We also hearthey’re gonna have the occasional curry night, featuringSteve’s famous five-alarm curry. Rumored to give belu-ga caviar away as bar snacks. Biz lunch so filling, you’llhave trouble finding room for a pint of Guinness! Easilythe biggest one in the center, with a different hardysoup every day! It changes daily, and 2 of the 3 cours-es are always frickin’ great (be warned, sometimes theytry to slip a Russian salad in). Their newest corned beefsandwhich (140R) packs in beautifully with a few pintsof nitrogenated Kilkenny. The fish & chips are tasty andmost under the rule of real-live Irishman Steve, soyou’re guaranteed real-life Western service with noexcuses. Extra note: Food is oddly delish, esp the 150rbiz lunch. We were served a heaping of beef stew andmashed potatoes. Serve cheap, cholestorol-heavybreakfasts as well. Always serviced with a smile by arotating crew of cute barmaids.Jeers: You might get accosted by Russian students looking topractice their angliisky yazyk. Word’s gotten out, andit’s tough to find a seat for lunch. Don’t come here tohunt for chicks—there ain’t any. This is a place whereEnglish-speaking expats with beer-bulges come togripe, banter, and watch free SkyTV. Irish aren’t knownfor their good burgers, and neither is Silver’s. Small set-ting means it can get packed evenings.M: Okhotny RyadPhone: 290-4222Address: 5/6 Tverskaya Ulitsa (go down NikitskayaPer.)Hours: 8 till late

Sixteen Tons

★★ ★ ★★

Cheers: eXile alert! The eXile’s 10th anniversary party tookplace here, and folks, we are damn glad we did it. Noplace could have handled the crowd rush, and the maddrunken mob of eXholes, half as well as Sixteen Tonsdid, with its superb bar staff, excellent sound system,great stage, and eXhole-friendly management. Thanksto Pasha, Andrei & crew for pulling it off. Shockinglyhigh babe factor at the disco following gigs. Not that wegot laid or anything...or even that we would want to.Upstairs has some of the top shows and a good mix ofdyevs and serious music afficionadoes. Downstairs, arange of scalliwags ranging from oligarchs to eXpats todivorced mammas to starving journalists. Managementnot averse to fights outside. Jeers:Club named after the average weight of the dyevs. Notmuch to do upstairs when there isn’t live music. Cover: Devs: R100 weekdays, R150 weekends;Guys: R150 weekdays, R200 weekendsM: Ul. 1905Phone: 253-5300Address: Presnenskii Val 6Hours: 18.00 - 6.00

Solyanka

★★★ ★★ ★★

CheerseXile alert! Solyanka’s newly-minted restaurant justmight be the best new place to eat since we discoveredDantes way back in 2007. The 270r biz lunch offers atasty 3-course evro fusion meal (menu changes daily)that’s a damn bargain for Moscow these day. Hosts astrange dyev mix, ranging from semi-bydlo to full onhyper-elitny. They arrive when doors open and don’tleave ‘til closing time. Ever since Mix went the way ofthe Dodo, Solyanka’s hipster crowd has been gettinginfused with late 20s/early 30s secretary/office workertype dyevs. And that’s just fine by us. If you now thetype, then you know that they are willing to take it any-time, anywhere. All you have to do is notice them. Casein point: Last weekend Levine and Rudnitsky had tobeat off three 30-year-old chicks that wouldn’t leavethem alone until they surrendered their phone numbers.And all this because L & R were speaking English!Mental note: must start coming here more often. Ashining example of the latest club trend: The indie-pafosny hybrid. If you’re tired of the same ol’ Krizis, butcan’t stand the Fag Nation Propka scene, then Solyankais the answer to your prayers. Semi-intelligent dancemusic, fairly priced drinks and a bunch of barely legallinged-out indie chicks that can’t afford them.Jeers: Windows PC users given hostile looks byMacBook/iPhone-toting hipsters. On club nights, placeis harder to get into then Dyagelev. An eXile editor gotfeised over the telephone last weekend, even after Tofergave Solyanka a heartfelt blowjob review. Closes atmidnight on all weeknights other than Thursdays. Wentback to the 90s practice of charging for entrance.Some chicks have a “I’m one year away from becominga Rai groupie” feel to them. So snatch ‘em up beforethey hit seventeen and become way out of your league.M: Kitay GorodPhone: NoneCover: 300 rubles, or somethingAddress: Solyanka 11/6

Sorry Babushka

★★ ★ ★★

Cheers: eXile alert! Just confirmed. Sorry Bab’s 3am Fri/Satnight drunk dyev index is way off the charts. This placeis set to become one of our favorites, especially nowthat they gave us a 50% discount card! From the looks

of things, they’ve also given tons of hot girls the cards,turning Sorry B into a pre-party magnet for gals lookingto quench their thirst at the right price. Packs a goodcrowd on weekends and offers plenty of macking ops.Girls friendlier than most, and by that we don’t meanthey’re ugly. Jeers: Recent menu update for 2007 has upset the balance ofone of the best Caeser salads in town. Seems likeeveryone here only converses wih each other via ICQmessage sent between laptops. Weird hippie/Buddhistcontingent mixed in with model level babes threw us offa bit. Portions getting smaller. 50% discount cardmight be more of a curse—we’re getting a little sick ofthis place. Got a Prada-lite vibe. Not quite sure what thename means, and we’re not sure they know either. Youcould easily break an ankle on the unexpected step nearthe bar. The food, a bargain for card-holders, probablyain’t worth your rubles if you aren’t as kewl as us. M: Kitai GorodPhone: 784-0615Address: Slavyanskaya pl. 2

Tema Bar

★★ ★ ★

Cheers:eXile alert! Folks, Tema Bar’s two-year anniversary wasa sight to behold, reaffirming, once again, that on week-ends this place transforms into what the Boar Houseused to be... but more wholesome. And to prove it, oneof The eXile’s editorial team picked picked up a chickthat night just by standing at the bar and nodding yes.Previously, Yasha demonstrated by getting the digits ofa nice Jewish girl, while at the same time successfulywooing a blond shiksa to bed with him... Recentanniversay par-tay was a who’s-who of the anti-pafos,pro-alcohol’n’fun tusovka...along with fun-luvin’ babes,many of whom took it upon themselves to dance on theginormous bar. Congrats, guys! If you love Help butwish it had more of a party scene, Tema is THE place tocheck out! One of a very, very few places in town whereeveryone’s having a good time. Dyevs become unbe-lievably approachable around 1am after having downeda half-dozen tropical cocktails. Multiple sets of galsdoing the fake lezbo thing to turn you on. One of thecocktails requires donning a Soviet Army helmet andgetting whacked over the head with a ski! Dima of Helpfame has opened another, bigger cocktail bar, this timesmack dab in the center of Moscow! Great centraldrinking option, especially if you’re sick of OGI.Mammoth cocktail menu impresses chicks. Nice valueand prices. Jeers: Some of the surliest bartenders in town. One actuallyrefused to light our flaming cocktails on fire. While allthe girls are having fun and definitely available, you’llneed to knock back a few before your beer googles startfunctioning properly. Might run into old flings fromMcCoy’s at inopportune moments. Food not exactly allthat. M: Chisty PrudyAddress: Potapovsky per. 5Hours: 24

Tiki Bar

★★ ★ ★

Cheers:The legendery team from Tema Bar & Help are behindthis place: Moscow’s first and only tiki bar. If you knowthem, then you know about their magical ability to packin their clubs with podmoskovie student dyevs, as wellas a slightly more aged, but yet so easily bangablesecretery contingent. Music is loud, so you won’t havetalk to them. Tiki’s extensive menu of fancy polynesiandrinks is packed with copious amounts of booze will getthe job done and leave enough money in your wallet foryou to order a cab in the morning so that you neverhave to see your one night stand again. eXile’s officialfood critic Tofer Lamont got way too wasted on theirfruity cocktails and was too busy chasing another kindof tail to remember much about the food. He thinks hemay have had some nachos with some pasta.Jeers:How can you jeer a place that packs a full house of fine,totally non-indie dyevs that will sleep with you becauseit’ll mean they won’t have to wait for the metro to open?M: Barikadnaya Address: Sadovaya-Kudrinskaya st., 3APhone: 741-2203Hours: 24

VinoSyr – Wine &Cheese Bar

★ ★

Cheers: Tofer was blown away by this Italian/Spanish wine barwhen he first revewed it. With an ok bottle of Spanishred starting at 600r, tasty tapas-style cheese ad cold cutplattes averaging 300r, a low key setting featuring a livejazz pianist and wine tasting nights every Wed, thisplace seemed out of place in Moscow. Cheap ANDgood? Did we die and wake up in the more Western-friendly Medvedev era? Gotta try it to believe it. Jeers: Dangerously high water content in one of the cheaperChiantis. Recent return visit disturbed us. Waitress gotbitchy when we wanted her to cork and pour the wine atthe table, not in the kitchen. Staff tried to force us to goto the ATM at 2 am, claiming the credit card machinesuddenly broke.

Address: Malyi Palashevsky pereulok 6Phone: 739-1045Metro: PushkinskayaHours: Everyday from 6 p.m to 6 a.m.

Web: www.vinosyr.ru

Voodoo Lounge

★★ ★ ★★

Cheers: Whoa, are we sorry Voodoo fell off our radar screens:here’s the antidote to Pafusny Moscow: cheap drinks,tons of approachable student babes, and action that’srawkin’ before midnight! Don’t let the cover turn youoff: unlike just about every other club in Moscow,Voodoo packs a crowd early. Summer patio should beopening soon, increasing the snapper factor signifi-cantly. Recent birthday party visit revealed HUGE Lolitafactor and low White God factor, meaning U could getlucky! Lots o’ ladies, very few snobs; high marks onaccessability, but U gotta dance. Ames tried out a Latindancing lesson here and almost got beat up by a chick.

Plenty of young sluts lookin’ for luv. Stays packed allnight long. Voodoo has become part of the must-do“circuit” for everyone from hormone-charged eXholesto Latino-luvin’ teenies. Jeers: Things slow down early... around 3. These girls need alot of space to dance—if you get too close, you mightget hurt. If you don’t respond well to Slavic phere-mones, then beware the BO factor. Snideman imper-sonators rumored to get in without paying cover. Girlsthink that all you want is their number. Too many menwith greasy ponytails and Hamas sympathizers. Cover: 50R for broads, 150R for dudes (weekends only)M: Belorusskaya Phone: 253-2323Address: Sredny Tishinsky pereulok 5/7Hours: 18.00 - 6.00

Yello

★★ ★★ ★★★

Cheers: Continuing the trend in “intelligent” elitny/indie/pafosnyclubs, Yello opens in exactly the same spot where theboho/bearded intelligentsia/rocker “Klub na Bretskoy”used to be, signalling that in 2008, the beard is beingreplaced by the bilan. Good Pina Coladas.Jeers: Club opens up officially in February, so you gots to beclub-connected to get in now. Has that “fresh, just-remonted” concrete smell. Address: 6, 2nd Brestskaya Str. (entrance from 1stBrestskaya)Phone: 694-09-36M: MayakovskayaHours: Officially to be opened in February though theyhave parties almost every weekend. Available for ban-ket.

Zhest

★★ ★ ★

Cheers: eXile alert! We’d forgotten how cheap Zhest was until agig last Friday when we were able to buy a round ofdrinks for four for under 1,000 rubles. Do you see howwe upgraded Zhest’s fahkie-faktor from 1 to 2 stars?That’s because of a research mission the eXile editorsembarked on recently, revealing that if you standaround the bar talking English, drunken indie chicks willhit on you. Even though (or especially if) theirboyfriends are right behind them. Some of the chickswere even hot. Ames had a blast playing sugar daddy,as only a poverty-stricken old man can, buying cheapmugs of beer for little nose-ringed dyevs. This OGI-affil-iate has a much more basement indie feel than the otherOGIs, which are crawling with bearded pseudo-philoso-phers. Cheap-O, meaning it should fill up with foreignstudent types, English teachers and MT employees. Jeers: They closed the bar inside the concert hall, whichmeans you have leave in order to get a drink. Come tothink of it, in some cases that could be acheer...Bouncers response to a fight is to deny entry toeveryone across the board for days. Guess they’d ratherbe safe than make money. Weak bar in the concert area.No air conditioning and other environmentally friendlyfacilities. M: LubyankaPhone: 628-4883Address: Bolshaya Lubyanka 13/16 str. 1 Hours: 24/7

Zoloto

★★★ ★

Cheers: This place may be opening the newest hip industrialtusovka neighborhood near the Belorussky train station.eXile club reviewer Babooshka went there, he says hepicked up like three young chicks while in mourning fora childhood friend that got run over. But he’s ususallyfull of shit.Jeers: None that Babooshka told about.Address: 35, 1st Lyusinovskiy per.Phone: 237 6652 M: DobryninskayaHours: 24/7

911 Club

★★★ ★★ ★★

Cheers:eXile alert! The OG 911 in the hotel is still open! Whichmeans U don’t have far to go if you make friends.Imagine Shandra but in a small, cozy setting the size ofsome minigarch’s living room. Lots of girls all eager topay attention to you. Strip stage right in front of yourface, couches, and rooms upstairs (one has karaoke)where you can take your favorite dancer. Drinks aren’toverpriced, and the kabinety are free on Sundays, whichis good news for cheap-0 expats. Also entrance is fornow at least free.Jeers: While not expensive, if you’re an English teacher or aneditor of the eXile, then this place is out of your range. M: Leninsky ProspektPhone: 507-2727Address: 15 Kosyguina (in the Korston hotel)Hours: 21:00 - 06:00

Bordo

★★★ ★★ ★★

Cheers: Holy shit! Bordo done went and added a sauna, so youcan get so fresh and so clean while you’re gettin’ dirty!Might contain the highest concentration of perfumedflesh per square inch on this planet! Deviates from thesingle-mindedness of Safari and Ishtar... meaning thatthe owners didn’t skimp on details like air conditioning.That’s right folks, you can actually come and enjoyyourself here before you go about your business. Oh,and did we mention, the ladiez are slammin’! It’s com-fortable, well-ventilated and all-together less seedythan just about any other full-service establishment intown. Karaoke in VIP rooms means that you can tell the

girl you take that you own a talent agency and thinkshe’s got potential.

Jeers: The veneer of civilization is something that our EditorialBoard has consistantly come out against in the past.Could this place be haunted by the ghost of the ExpatClub?M: Kitai GorodPhone: 917-4545Address: Pivchesky per. 4 str. 1

Hours: All of them!

Divas

★★ ★ ★★

Cheers: eXile alert! A former Hungry Duck beau-from-Ames’-past is now a dancer here! Who says dating Amesdoesn’t pay?! Conveniently-located ad in this verypaper for info on parties and discounts.

Jeers: Like all strip clubs, you wind up spending a lot moremoney than if you had stayed home to search for pornon the net. Cover: 700RM: PushkinskayaPhone: 609-00-65; 609-00-54Address: Strastnoi Bulvar 10/2Hours: 21.00 - 6.00

★★★★★ ★★ ★★★

Cheers: eXile alert! Happy 16th, NF! A Sweet Sixteen partynever looked so freakin’ hot. NF should recieve a medalfor the amount of foreign investment it’s brought toMoscow. Still the best place to remember what keepsyou in Moscow. Vodka bar in the back offers about 30types of vodka, ranging from affordable Stoli toKauffman Luxury (at R1000+ a shot!). What can we saythat hasn’t been said... even on slow nights your jawwill be dragging along the floor due to the sheer quan-tity of available babe-age. Prices have gotten relativelycheaper, when compared with inflation elsewhere.Congratulations to the fellas that put Sweden back onthe map—if only they could conquer our home country,we might move back to America! So packed with awe-some babes who want to get to know you (becauseyou’re so damn interesting), excellent service and gen-uine class. There is no single better way to spend yourhard earned money than at Night Flight, even if it’s nothard earned! If you have only one night in Moscow,make sure this place is on your list. Women so hot thatyou just want to keep them in a padded chest in yourbasement. No shame in showing your face: theSwedish-managed staff is discreet, professional andattentive. THE favored place for married men on busi-ness trips to visit—many have given this place "twohastily removed wedding rings up!"

Jeers: Girls start at at least $300 these days, and drive atougher bargain. Bring back the crisis days! Lots of sil-icon on display these days, so you might want to try themerchandise before you buy it. If you bump into yourboss, just say that you’ve come for the food [sic]. Cover: 800R, including one drinkM: TverskayaPhone: 629-4165Address: Ul. Tverskaya 17Hours: Club 21.00 - 5.00; Restaurant 18.00 - 5.00

Shandra

★★★ ★ ★★

Cheers: Club’s constantly packed with between 25 to 50 strip-pers of every ethnicity imaginable: Russians, Asians,Africans, even one that looked a little Mexican. Our lastvisit showed them to be so thoroughly quality-con-trolled that even our intern was impressed. Pretty goodfood and the ability to order the emergency I’m-out-of-money-light for your table which alerts strippers to stayclear of your area. Yes folks, Shandra does care aboutyour dignity. An eXile operative met a stripper whospoke perfect English and even read The eXile. Nowthat’s quality.

Jeers: Look, just because we can’t afford it doesn’t mean wehave to knock it, or does it?M: Sukharevskaya Phone: 208-0982Address: Prosvirin per. 7Hours: 20:00-6:00

Violete

★★★ ★ ★★

Cheers: eXile alert! Has no qualms about letting in 2-drunk-2-fuck eXile editors at 3am! Cocktails mixed well, and thestogie menu really hit the spot. Yasha even managed toget one of the babe’s digits! The newest addition to theHo-ing bordello scene, Violete is exactly the place to goif you’ve already done Ishtar and Safari enough andyou’re looking for roughly the same thing but in anewer, non-sticky, cool setting. Violete has it all: scoresof hot, friendly nekkid chicks, VIP kabinety withKaraoke offerings, and a highly libidinous purple hue.

Jeers: We had such a good time sitting at the bar that we pret-ty much forgot to go look at the strippers taking theirclothes off.M: Novokuznetskaya Phone: 959-3320Address: Raushskaya Nab. 4/5Hours: Evening til morning

EERROOTTIICC

MAR 20 - APR 2P. 18 THE EXILE

NEW!!!

NEW!!!

BAR-DAK EATING GUIDE

Adis Ababa$

Cheers:The only Ethiopian restaurant in Moscow is also itsbest. Authentic oils and spices mean legit ‘Thopiangoodness in every dish. The Ghoulash Adis Ababa justabout had us planning a vacation to the Horn. Everydish is spicy and filling; including decent vegetarianselection. Hoegaarten on tap. Friendly staff will occa-sionally play Ethiopian funk.

Jeers:We’re not sure what it is about Ethiopian food, but forsome reason you just don’t really get the urge to govery often.M: KurskayaPhone: 916-2432

Address: Zemlyanoi Val, Dom 6

Correa’s$

Cheers: eXile alert! New Correa’s branch opened up nearMayakovskaya. Recent tasting affirmed a thumbs-up onthe brunchfast goods. Also, the babeage factor seemsto get higher and pain-ier every weekend. They’veadded a couple of new slammin-good omelets to theirreportoire, including a great spinach and mozzarellababy that we thoroughly enjoyed. Great lunch option ifyou’re not too hungry... all three sandwiches our tableate had us in nirvana! 5+ for the smoked turkey andgoat cheese ‘wich. A most awesomely delicious BuffaloMozzarella salad (290r). Every item is a delight; in factit might be the best breakfast offering outside of the US,if you’re into the American breakfast thing (and only abarbarian wouldn’t be). We tried the goat cheese andblack bean omelet, and yes, it’s Moscow’s best. As forthe dinner meals... First, the marinated olives ‘n arti-choke hearts. Second, the juicy Roasted beet salid withpesto, aged goat cheese and pine nuts. We didn’t knowbeets could be so good! Third, the Terriyaki ChickenPita with avocado and cilantro—best damn sandwich inMoscow. Fourth, the entrees. The grilled salmon withorange-soy glaze and fresh snow peas is an amazing,juicy, fresh cut that will leave you very pleased, whileStrip Steak with berry-glaze and thick cut guacomolesalad will satisfy your meat jones. Deli items a hit withoil-windfall Russians.

Jeers: For some reason babes with babies make this theirfavorite weekend brunchfast spot. If like us your idea ofa good breakfast does not include looking at some way-too-thin-and-hot chick trying to show off her baby (thenew accessory of the Russian elitny class), then like us,you’ll be slightly annoyed. When we tried to order anErdinger beer from the menu, waitress told us “wehaven’t had that for quite some time.” Ordynka locationhidden in a business park, of all places. May make youfeel a little too delovoy as you search for the entrance.Seating area too small. Place has become so popularthat you need to reserve hours in advance.M: 1: Belorusskya; 2: Tretyakoskaya, 3: n/a, 4:Paveletskaya 5: MayakovskayaPhone: 1: 933-6157 2: 725-5878, 3: 729-2585, 4:969-2113, 5: 789-9654Address: 1: Bolshaya Gruzinskaya 32; 2: BolshayaOrdynkaya 40/2 (through the shlangbaum), 3: Rublevo-Uspenskoe Shosse 85/1, 4: Ul. Sadovnicheskaya 82bld. 1 5: Ul. Gasheka 7/1Hours: 8.00 - 22.00 weekdays, 9.00 - 22.00 weekends

Flat Iron Grill

$$

Cheers:This place is located in the Marriott Courtyard hotel. Ifyou’re already staying there and absolutely cannot leavethe premises, then there’s no reason not to eat here.After all, it’s right in the lobby and the hamburger ispretty good, and if you like fried chicken, then theCaesar salad ain’t bad either.

Jeers:The WiFi isn’t free.M: Okhotny RyadPhone: 981-3300Address: Voznesensky Pereulok 7Hours: All of them

Hard Rock Cafe

$$

Cheers: Legendary burger (600r) perhaps the greatest burgerthis town has ever seen. Giant Angus patty, with bacon,cheez, and onion rings. Mmmmm, we you can taste

your arteries clot! Hot damn, folks, that thar’s a hell ofa breakfast special! For an amazing 100R you get threeeggs any style, bacon, sausage and toast, and potatoes!Move over, Starlite! We nit you shot, folks! Also thebreakfast burrito (180R) got high marks from Dr. Dolan.We had their burger and we rank it tied with Starlite forMoscow’s best, save Scandinavia’s gourmet burger.Huge portions, great setting that will impress your out-side-the-Third-Ring date. Nachos massive and satisfy-ing, good club sand. Non-stop music vids mean thatyou won’t have embarrassing silent moments with yourdate.

Jeers: New menu seems to have jacked up the prices, whileleaving the portions the same. All-VH1 all the timevideo system makes us pine for the days of Creed. Theyget you with the 60R “American coffee” that’s espresso‘n’ water. There’s always something... A lot of stuff, likethe bacon, too salty. A lot of songs, like Creed, too shit-ty. Heavy American tourist presence. Place so packednow you’ll probably have to wait. M: SmolenskayaPhone: 244-8970Address: Stary Arbat 44

Hours: 24/7

Starlite Diner$$

Cheers:eXile alert! The Starlite burger has been rocking ourworld for a few weeks in a row. Not sure if it’s the loom-ing snapper season or what, but the patty just seemssofter, juicier and has just the right thickness. Starlite atMayakovskaya has reopened after a minor fire, and isnow more Starlite-y than ever before. Was the fire inanyway connected with the newly installed eXile news-paper racks in their bathroom stalls? We just orderwater and stare. Discovered bagels hidden on thebreakfast menu and, even if they’re frozen Lenders, weain’t complaining. Get them with bacon for a tastykosher treat! Re-affirm two howlin’ pastel coyotes wayup on the Southwest chicken wrap! New eXpand-Obreakfast menu has our mouths a-waterin’! Thumbs upon the Florentine Omelet with spinach and feta. Lotsaother items look good too, like the Kamchatka Crabomelet and the pecan pancakes. Best place in town fora late night pre-bedtime burger. Is it just us, or did theomelets get incredibly tasty again over the past month?The best place to watch issues of international signifi-cance unfold. Seriously beefed up the ham&cheese!Two important points: Some of Moscow’s best burgersand best breakfasts. eXile staffers agree: late night plateof nachos are vastly preferable to clubbing. The chilimay not be world famous but it is yummilicious andMoscow’s best. Mongolicious omelets that even tamesthe violent temper of Morris U. Snideman, Esq.Stomach-expanding breakfast burritos a good alterna-tive. Milkshakes huge again, and orgasmic. Try the cof-fee-chocolate-oreo mix.

Jeers: Starlite burger ain’t a 100 percent surefire hit. Previousvisit revealed an undercooked, soggy patty that had acooked-in-microwave feel to it. Kid-filled Sundaysremind us why we’ve forced so many girls to have abor-tions. M: #1: Mayakovskaya #2: Oktyabrskaya #3: UniversitetPhone: #1: 290-9638; #2: 959-8919; #3: 783-4037Address: #1: Sadovaya Bolshaya ul. 16; #2: Ul Korovy val. 9; #3: Pr. Vernadskogo 6Hours: 24 hours

Fossil $

Cheers:This place could be Moscow’s best Arab option. Ourfirst round of tasting eXposed us to delicious hummus(190r), succulant babaganush (210r) and mouth water-ing kebab. We’ll be back, so be sure to stay tuned forupdates...

Jeers:Total lack of a dyev presence that would make theHezbollah proud. The spinach pastries seemed to beexperiencing microwave-induced soggyness. They playwhat could be the worst restaurant in Moscow, a blendof soothing arab techno and bad 80s music. Luckily, itain’t that loud.

M: Chistye PrudyPhone: 626-4570Address: Ul. Myasnitskaya 24/1 str. 1

Aromatnaya Reka$

Cheers: eXile boku alert! This place serves it up real and tastyevery freakin’ time. Just tried the fresh spring rolls andthey are the best in town. While the pho won’t rock yourworld, it will keep you coming back. Meee sooo huuun-gry! AR’s housed in a now-defunct “Americana”gay/transvestite cabaret, but don’t be fooled by its new

location. The waiters may be effeminate, but the cou-sine is straight Viet Cong. Tasty springrolls, good noo-dles, pho and just about every other Vietnamese dish isas close as you’ll get to perfection this side of Laos. HoChi Minh would be proud. And the food’s so reasonablypriced, even the Vietnamese could afford to eat here.

Jeers: If we jeered, we’d only be showing that Americans aresore losers. So we’ll go ahead and do that by saying:Don’t bother ordering the steamed spring rolls or thegrilled eel wrapped in spinach.M: BaumanskayaPhone: 267-3190Address: Takmanov per. 11

Spicy$$-$

Cheers: Holy shit! A new Chinese/Thai place calling itself Spicy!Could this be the answer to our prayers?

Jeers: No! Place should be called ass-y, as the only feeling wewere left with was sadness over our utterly bland meal.Not one piece of food had any flavor to it whatsoever,let alone any spice. Couldn’t find the Thai portion of themenu and later heard a rumor that it sucked so bad,they dropped it almost immediately. Too bad they didn’tdo the same for the Chinese part. There’s a goodchance their kitchen is infected by the assiness ofPourboire up the street.M: BelorusskyaPhone: 766-2222Address: Ul. Krasina 27, str. 1

Maki Kafe$

Cheers:One of the top spots in central Moscow for surprisinglydelicious food at surprisingly not-ridiculously-expen-sive prices. Good place to take a dyev-date. The Thaicoconut soup, milkshakes, salads and even sushi rollsrank high with us or dyevs we’ve been there with. Andoh does Maki have a lotta dyevs to maki upi. Not thatwe ever would, but if you’re one of those peacockingpickup artist douchebags, then you’ll find plenty of girlshere to laugh at you. High ceilings, spare wood interiormake this unlike most pseudo-mod shitholes. All in all,we likes it.

Jeers: People tend to think this place is better than it is. Justhave reasonable expectations. In life, as well as in Makivisiting.M: PushkinskayaPhone: 692-9731Address: Glinschevskii Pereulolk 3Hourse: Mon-Thurs 12:00 - 00:00, Fri-Sat 12:00 -05:00

Vietcafe$

Cheers: Rockin’ Vietnamese food in the very center! Hard topronounce anything on the menu, but we’d have a hardtime complaining about it either. Fo ga (160R) and phobo (180R) soups were giant-sized and rocked ourworld. Mains weren’t too shabby either. Babe waitress-es in elegant Asian gowns gave us chubbies.

Jeers: B-lunch is Evro. Why would you want to go to aVietnamese place and eat evro? We failed to find thepromised chicken and pork in our Fo Sao Tkhit, insteadfinding it stuffed with shrimp (which wasn’t so bad). Ifyou really want good Vietnamese, you have to go to arynok.M: Okhotny RyadPhone: 629-1104, 629-0830Address: Gazetny Per. 3

Yoko$$$$

Cheers: The fish is of high quality, but...

Jeers: if Yoko’s chefs were true to their craft, they’d giveNovikov a karate chop below the belt for breaking withworld sushi regulations and miniaturizing Yoko’s entiremenu selection. Be warned, Yoko’s sushi portions aretwo times smaller then you’d expect.Address: Soimonovsky proezd, 5M: KropotkinskayaHours: From 12:00 till last guestTelephone: (495)506-00-33, 506-55-33

Mehana Bansko

$$

Cheers: eXile arson alert! Last we’ve heard, this place wascharred like a an over-grilled pork rhind. Strong buyrecommendation for Mehana’s business lunch, perhapsthe best in town ruble for ruble. Four hearty courses;they don’t scrimp on the portions. Even non-terrestrial-meat-eaters can find something satisfying. Stuffed egg-plant one of the few non-asslike veggie options inMoscow. Killer spicy sausages, and what may be thebest okroshka in town. Try the chushka bereg—redpepper stuffed with cheese. Pork marinated in vodkaand soy a hit with Russkies.

Jeers: Don’t touch the Bulgarian pastries, for the love of God!The fact that the veal stuffed with bacon and pepperslooks like a dildo doesn’t hide the fact that the dish is abit bland. M: SmolenskayaPhone: 244-7387Address: Smolenskaya 9/1

Yugos

$$

Cheers: With Budva dissolving like Tito’s Yugoslavia, we’vetransferred our loyalties to Yugos, easily the most pop-ular Serbian food for Serbians in town. It’s one of thoseplaces where you’ll be glad they list the weight of theportions... we’re talking serious piles of meat here,folks. Whole cow farms get sacrificed here on an aver-age night. Serbian habit of shouting greetings acrossthe dining room adds to authenticity. The pleskavitsa(R280) and the chevapchichi (R220) lovingly grilled andfamously tasty. If you order in advance, they’ll preparea four-person banquet for less than 1000 rubles, andwe’re betting there’s enough food to feed 8. XXXXL-sized chef shows that she’s not one the chef, she’s alsoa customer. Best shopsky salad (R99) we’ve ever had ina place that hasn’t been bombed by NATO. Atkinsdieters will think they died and went to heaven.

Jeers: Kind of a hassle to get to. Gypsy concerts on Fridaysmight be a little much. War criminals welcomed. Friestasted like they’d been chewed up and spit out already. M: TaganskayaPhone: Address: Nikoloyamskaya 40/22 str. 4

Bookafe $

Cheers

The best cafe food in Moscow, hands-down. We'veliked everything we tried here, and believe you us,we were expecting to sneer. The blinding Juicyfruitcolors may be annoying, but they attract plenty ofquality dyevs. The spinach and pesto salad is anexpensive favorite (450r), the quesadillas (230r) arelarger and tastier than you'd think, and even thecheesecake rocks. Dyevs say that the sushi is good,and they offer free wi-fi and plugs o'plenty.

Jeers: We'd jeer the pretentious photography and designbooks, except that they're a good way to keep your dateentertained without having to talk to her.M: Tsvetnoi Bulvar Phone: 694-0356Address: Sadovaya Samotechnaya 13

Hours: 11.00 - 02.00

Respublika$

Cheers

This hip little pink-colored cafe in the second-floorbowels of the Respublika book and music store iseasy to miss, or overlook. But the soups, salads,and pasta dishes are surprisingly solid and the milkshakes are delish. The coffee goes especially wellwith the free wifi. Worth sitting down for a few thenext time your picking up a CD. People do still buyCDs, right?

Jeers: Only Japanese beer on offer. Sometimes film crews arehanging out to film some precious bit for MTV.M: Mayakovskaya, Phone: 251-6527Address: 1st Tverskaya-Yamskaya 10Hours: 11:00 - 23:00

Kvartira 44$

Cheers

The perfect boho alternative to Mayak if you’re inthe Nikitskaya hood, Kvartira 44 has an appropri-ately musty feel and second-hand furniture motif togo with its high bearded-intelligentsia-clientele fac-tor. Offerings are cheap and not all that good, butit’s is a therapeutic way to escape the usual crass ‘nflashy Moscow-Boomtown places.

Jeers: Like we said, High Bearded Intelligentsia Factor, as wellas weary women with shawls around their shouulders.Also too many journalists and yuppies who believe thatthey’re actually complex and artistic. Can be crowded.M: Pushkinskaya Phone: 291-7503Address: Bolshaya Nikitskaya 22/2Hours: 12:00 - 02:00

Dioscuria$

Cheers: Stick with the basics—lobio, eggplant roulette anddolma—and you can’t go wrong. Ruble prices unaffect-ed by Moscow boom, making Dioscarius one of thegreatest bargains around! Almost as cheap as Guriya,but thrice the quality. One taste of their sturgeon shash-lyk or Adzharian khachapuri (with a fried egg in the mid-dle) and you’ll be hooked. The delicious lavash breadcomes piping hot, perfect for sopping up leftover juices.

Jeers: Wild fluctuations in quality remind us of the Nasdaq.Recent lulya kebab served blackened on the outside,raw on the inside and apparently deep fried. Still hasdeafening live music sung on weekend evenings. Menudoesn’t quite have all the favorites (meaning dolma);sometimes the backroom mafia feel is a bit too realis-tic.M: ArbatsksyaPhone: 291-3759Address: Nikitski Bulvar dom 5, str. 1 (through the

post office arch off Novy Arbat)Hours: 11.00 - 23.00

Genatsvale$$

Cheers: eXile alert! Ames recently visited here, comping a freemeal from wealthy retired tourists. The Arbat location ispretty gauche, but it’s also pretty tasty. Bill came to $40a head, but the food was as good as any Georgian fare.Recent visit reaffirms that Genatsvale is good, but theprices have doubled. Delish veal shashlik. Quick ser-vice, excellent hachapuri (100R), decent harcho (120R)and mighty succulent chicken shashlick (180R).Excellent prices, a great Val-U. Also serves a massivevariety of lamb and pork dishes, including ribs, knuck-le, shashliki, and things we’ve never heard of.

Jeers: Prices have shot way up. Hot red lobio tasted likecanned Rosarita refritos, only not as good. Lambchunks in harcho tasted like buffalo chips. Monster PAspeakers blast at night; to avoid it, you have to sit atdwarf tables in the back. Expect tables packed withblack-clad Georgians giving 10-minute toasts in whichall guests have to stand with tired arms holding upshaky glasses of vodka. M: KropotkinskayaPhone: 202-0445Address: Ostozhenka 12/1Hours: 11.00 - midnite

Metekhi$

Cheers: eXile alert! Reaffirm on food here after recent visit.Tasty shashliki, among the best khachapuri, esp the“Metekhi Khachapuri” with 2bl cheese. Still an eXilefavorite. Came here with a Georgian born in Metekhi,and it made him homesick. It’s THAT good, folks! Redand green lobio that actually contains fresh ingredients.All the taste of the best Georgian places without theslow service and gloomy decor.

Jeers: Lamb shashlik a bit too fatty. Not easy to find - it’s on asmall side street. Cheery decor may make you feel thiscan’t possibly be a Georgian restaurant. M: Tsvetnoi Bulvar Phone: 200-0837Address: 1-i Kolobovskiy Per. 11Hours: 11:00 - 23:00

Tiflis$$-$$$

Cheers: eXile alert! Recent all-things-Georgian ban means youcan’t get any Borjomi or Kindzmaurali! Not even if youtry bribing the wait staff. Recent sending-away partyconfirmed that Tiflis is probably the best Georgianrestaurant in town, especially with the outdoor terrace.Everything is high-quality, especially the various shash-liki, satsivi, lobio... The favorite Georgian restaurant forthose foreigners who are rich enough to believe thatthey’ll get in on the Gazprom share thing. Serve gener-ous portions of everything; prices higher than Metekhibut worth it.

Jeers: Sadly, they the Georgian beverage ban did not extend tochachi. Service can be so incredibly slow you’d thinkyou could fly to Georgia and back and serve yourselfmore quickly than these turtles. Might make you pre-pay if you’re dining late. No little puppet figures ofGeorgians paying bribes to Moscow cops in the metro.Place often packed. They get mad at you when you tryto catch the fish in the fountain in the upstairs diningroom.M: Park KulturyPhone: 8-499-766-9728Address: Ostozhenka 32Hours: 12.00 - 00.00

Casual$$$-$$$$

Cheers:This restaurant is where elitny Moscow meets MaxwellSmart. You go into the lobby and they size you up as towhether they want you to eat their food or not. If youpass, then you have to enter an elevator which takesyou god knows where. Finally you’re let out a few floorsup, and there, the magic begins. The magic of extreme-ly expensive French-ish food, that is. Only go here onsomeone’s expense account. We sampled the halibuthere, and we liked it for its simplicity, though it was atad oily. And skimpy. Excellent summer terrace, butthat’s no consolation now.

Jeers: If we can afford to eat another meal here, we’ll findsomething serious to jeer. M: KropotkinskayaPhone: 775-2310Address: 1st Obydenskii Per. 3

City Grill$$-$$$

Cheers:eXile alert! This might be the only place in town you andyour Russian dyev can agree on. Thumbs-up for theCaesar Salad (185r). Our Russian date enjoyed theCalifornia Rolls (295r). Good option when you’re sick ofStarlite but don’t want something too fancy. Delicioussalads and dumplings. Has quietly become one of ourfavorite places when it comes to finding that pointbetween interesting food, good prices, and cool atmos-phere. Try the tuna roll salad, the Thai stirfry, and any-thing with duck. Cute waitresses, strange chrome bath-rooms, and plenty of lookers. Good biz lunch.

Jeers: They pack you in a bit too close, meaning you can’treveal state secrets without everyone listening in.Service is still sometimes a bit off. Don’t order the milk-shakes. They could use a shake up of their crappyBelgian beer list.

Eclectic

Caucasian

Cafes

Balkan

Asian

Arab

American

African

EEAATTSSKEY $ = UP TO $15.00

$$ = $15.00 - $30.00

$$$ = $30.00 - $50.00

$$$$ = $50.00 - ∞

(for one salad, entree, and one cocktail per person)

P. 19 THE EXILE MAR 20 - APR 2

Updated

BAR-DAK EATING GUIDE

M: MayakovskayaPhone: 299-5519Address: Ul. Sadovaya Triumfalnaya d. 2/30 Str. 1(across from the Am Bar&Grill)Hours: 11:00 - 02:00

Prado$$-$

Cheers: eXile alert! Newbie Zaitchik snubbed his nose at theonly elitny restaurant the eXile recognizes by showingup late at the eXile staff party and leaving early. He pre-ferred warm snapper to the dozen cold seafood saladslaid out on the table. Can we blame him? Yes. We usedto think saying you come here for the food is like tellingsomeone you read Hustler to protect your FirstAmendment rights... until we ate here. It’s really freakin’good, folks. We’re not sure if that means that the dameswho hang out here hoping to get picked up by mini-garchs are finally starting to develop taste or what, butthe food’s great. Big ups on the risotto and filet mignon.Prado did its part to minimize electricity use during thecold spell by making even its most elitny clients wait inan unheated cloakroom! Waytago, fellaz! So elitny theydon’t even have a sign out front. Unless you count allthose stretch Mercs and BMWs with smoked windowsa kind of sign. Inside, the place is packed full of thebeau monde of Moscow. It’s so gauche—includinghuge lamp covers that look like giant bronze spongecontraceptive—that it works. Amazingly enough, thefood is excellent and reasonably priced. If they let youin, that is. Delicious raw tuna salad (400r), and surpris-ingly good Risotto with Asparagus and Shrimps (450r),a dish almost no one gets right in Moscow.

Jeers: Eight bucks for a beer? Are you fucking kidding?! Youwon’t exactly feel comfortable here. Packed with singleaging molls in expensive gear sipping from one pot oftea for four hours just to be in Prado. We also spotted aguy wearing sunglasses, white 70s Bee-Gees clothes,playing backgammon and generally acting cool whileordering almost nothing. Don’t these people work?M: Kitai-GorodPhone: 784-6969Address: Slavyanskaya Ploschad 2

Aist

$$$$

Cheers: We were treated to a meal here by an Anal-Lister whoshall remain nameless for the next 6 months! The placeto go for oligarch sightings (there’s a schul next store).We were seated next to Freidman last week. Roof gar-den done right. Say what you will about Novikov, hefinds great chefs. Even the shashlyk’s frickin’ great.Best mojito ever. The high-priced hos trawling forsugar-daddies even give bums like us the once-over byvirtue of the fact that we got a table.

Jeers: Uppity waiter had to be reminded to refresh our drinks.Folks, this ain’t something you wanna be doing for a$100 biz lunch. The $50 duck was dry, which just ain’tcool. You’ll want to get out of your Zhiguli gypsy cababout 20 meters before the entrance or you’ll be alaughing stock. M: PushkinskayaPhone: 736-91-31/32Address: M. Bronaya 8/1Hours: 12:00 - 24:00

Apple Restaurant$$$

Cheers: The Apple Bar and Restaurant is open to non-guests atthe Golden Apple, “Moscow’s only boutique hotel,” andit’s a good thing, too. This sleek space is perfect for amellow and delicious dinner. An imaginative and tastytake on the European fusion menu, the Apple is strongon seafood and offers more pumpkin themed dishesthan any place in town. Great cocktails,attentive staff,good music. Their Rasberry Lamponi was our favoritecocktail last summer.

Jeers: You can’t afford a room in the hotel but have to eat nextto people who can. M: TeatralnayaPhone: 928-7602Address: 8/10 Neglinnaya Ul.

ArteFAQ

$$

Cheers:Like Tofer said in last issue’s review, this place is “art

fag-a-licious”—for art fags that is. For the rest of us,this place is pretty darn good. Started by the peoplebehind FAQ, this place had dependably good food andcheap-o, well-mixed drinks. It’s affordable evro-fusionthat tries to have some class. Oh yeah, and the plexi-glass floor of the balcony means you can see girliepanties just by looking up from your barstool.

Jeers:The place has a high artsy I-don’t-have-a-dimabilan-dimabilan factor. Time Out has called this the newhome of the LiveJournal set. M: Chekovskaya/PushkinskayaPhone: 650-3971Address: Bolshaya Dmitrovka 32Hours: 12:00 - 24:00www.artefaq.ru

The Apartment$$$

Cheers: Hip wine-bar downstairs, kewl SoHo-style loft upstairs.Menu’s not pretentious, but everything’s damn good. Awelcome break from Novikov copy-cats that are alwaystrying for impossibly complex food to show off that theyknow ingredients like broccoli di rape. For most of us,their Thanksgiving feast was a first introduction... andmost of us agree, it was absolutely d-lightful! In a novelapproach in Moscow, Apartment is going for ambienceover food. While everything we ate rocks, the menu’ssupposed to fit the place rather than visa-versa. Thechef’s a fish specialist trained in France, and you canfeel safe eating it here. They’ve almost made a cult offreshness here. Chill, homey mood, even if this is afavorite among the elite. Great leather chairs and aghetto for cigar smokers.

Jeers:We know this is an up-n-comin’ hood and all, but it’s apain in the ass to get to. Welcome to new Moscow,where if you want to eat well, you’ve got to drop a C-note.M: KievskayaPhone: 518-6060Address: Savinskaya Nab. 21Hours: 12:00 - last client

Dantes$$

Cheers: Yasha’s totally neg review a few issues ago was way off.Hands down, Dantes is the best new affordable restau-rant in Moscow. It has the best fried noodles this sideof the Great Wall and at 300 rubles, cheap by Moscowstandards, too. The 170 ruble house red isn’t that bad.They serve decent evro food and sushi to keep yourdate happy. Open 24 hours. Has WiFi. Get here beforethey jack up the prices.

Jeers: Skimpy eurofag Steak & Eggs breakfast less satisfyingthan a negative-calorie rice cracker. They charge 300rubles for four pieces of dim sum. The Caesar salad isnot recommended. We had the most unsavory porkdish the day after Putin named Medvedev his succes-sor. Also, the little potato spheres served on the sidewere too dry and the bread stale. Is Dantes losing itstouch, or has food stopped tasting so good now that weknow the Putin-era is coming to an end?M: LubyankaPhone: 621-4688Address: Myasnitskaya 13-3Hours: always

Eat & Talk$$

Cheers:Located in the lobby of a small business center, thisplace is a good choice for biz lunch or grabbing a night-cap at 5 a.m. It has three big things going for it: loca-tion, big buffet, and vibe. Situated next door next toZhurFak , E&T is constantly filled with cute journalismstudents. Free wifi, accessible plugs and central loca-tion. They just opened a new, nicely designed Irish pubdown the hall that is the only place in town to getGuinness Extra Cold.

Jeers:The seats in the VIP room looked like their weredesigned for getting some serious work done on yourlaptop, but turned out to be way too high for comfort. M: BibliotekaPhone: 961-3101Address: Mochovaya 7Hour: 24/7

El Parador $$

Cheers:When you have a hankering for jamon, the thinly slicedleg meat from the Iberian black pig, this is the place togo. The chef may have a Russian passport, but his heartis Spanish. The jewel of the desert menu is the rich andalmondy Tarta de Santiago. Eat it and weep tears ofSpanish butter.

Jeers:Flamenco musicians take to the small stage only after at8pm, which is good if you’re on a date and don’t arewilling to endure anything but converstion, but annoy-ing if you’re just trying to eat.M: TverskayaPhone: 650-1623Address: Tverskaya ul 12/2 (entrance on Kozitsky)Hour: Lunch ‘til dinner

Guylian Cafe$$

Cheers: eXile alert! Totally not the sucky ass-flavored food youremember! New menu is simply delightful, thanks todirector Chantelle and three-star chef Peter Goosens.Will satisfy all your Flemish desires. Waterzoi Soup(375r) quite possibly the best soup in this city.Coquilles St. Jacques scallops dish (650r) simplyorgasmic. Large selection of Belgian beers.

Jeers: Although everything on the menu is good, there’s astrong chance you’ll end up eyeing your date’s dish withenvy, wondering if it’s somehow better. Furniture lameand reminiscent of 70s Woody Allen movies.M: TeatralnayaPhone: 928-7602Address: 8/10 Neglinnaya Ul.

GQ Bar$$$

Cheers:New place to go for those of you sick of Vogue Cafe.Probably the trendiest place in town for those who arewilling to throw down loot and not care about it. Truegentleman Ames was impressed by the food’s quality,and found it fun to eat Evro-food with chopsticks. Threeenormous halls should make it E-Z to get a reservation.

JeersWay pricey. eXile editors can’t afford to eat here unlesssomeone else foots the bill. For being a bar, there surearen’t many people drinking themselves stupid. Thenagain, with Grey Goose running 380R a shot, who canafford to? You might run into Russian movie stars andtheir entourage on your way out of the pisser.M: TretyakovskayaPhone: 956-7775Address: Balchug Ul. 5Hours: 24 hours

Los Bandidos$$$

Cheers:Excellent hamon (690R+) and more than one greatpaella (de pollo for 790R, and de cordero for 890R). It’sa spinoff of the famous Spanish restaurant of the samename outside of Marbella; the head chef in Moscow isan import from there. Real Andalusian cured hams thathang from hooks from the ceiling, highly professionalservice without being intrusive. Gazpacho delicisio, butat 12 dolares its loco.

Jeers: Pulled the old “we’re out of all the wines cheaper than3100R, sir” ruse on our last visit. Who would want toeat Spanish food unless it’s a tapas bar in New York orLA? Wildly overpriced but solid quality that makes youfeel like you’re in a fancy, overpriced West Europeanrestaurant rather than one here.M: TretyakovskayaPhone: 953-0466Address: Bol. Ordynka 7Hours: 12:00 - the last chico

Mulat Tomas$$

Cheers:eXile alert! Great place for quiet late-night dining instyle. Get started with the free and tasty bread, thenmove onto the gigantic soups (c200r), which was morethan enough to fill some of us up. For those still hungry,the veal mignon (790r) was divine, and the spaghettiwith seafood (490r) got high marks. The sexiest newrestaurant/cafe/tusovka in Moscow, opened up by thegood folks who brought us Ketama, Shyolk, and the lateMesto Vstrechi. Here you enter a den of sin, with plushblue velvet and heavy draw-drapes to close your booth.Delicious, simple menu at reasonable prices. Try thesoups, the fresh-baked breads and pirozhki, delicioussalads, nice choice of mains. So far no complaints,expect it to be a popular place soon.

Jeers: Although service was more or less great and unobtru-sive, the waiter had the tendency to disappear at themoments you really needed him. Don’t go here withyour ex-wife. Or your wife, for that matter, unless you’rethe type who still sleeps with his wife. We prefer themeat mains to the fishy mains.M: ChekhovskayaPhone: 694-6252Address: Bolshaya Dmitrovka d.17Hours: Always

Ogni$$

Cheers:Ogni comes from the Discreet Charm folks, and it’salready drawing a strong crowd of 20-something pro-fessionals. Kamchatcka Crab salad (300r) was a hit, aswas the fact that they serve you .5l mineral waters for60r.

Jeers: Otherwise the food is nothing to email home about.Rudnitsky was so incensed by the New Yuppie crowd ofonce-interesting Russians behaving as dull and blandas Americans that he went out and got married just sohe could have a wife to beat.M: SukharevskayaPhone: 207-1222Address: M. Sukharevskaya pl. 8Hours: Always

Pilsner Urquell$$

Cheers:eXile alert! Recent thumbs-up for the reliably greasyand good-sized portions at fair prices. Zaitchik praisedthe Cvickova meat ‘n dumplings extravaganza (390r),while we found the smoked chicken a bah-gain at 325rubles, though we didn’t feel too hot afterwards. Thischain is expanding quicker than Flounder’s waistline!Newish Pokrovka location just like the original: good,cheap beer, and lots of greasy beer food. We really dugthe semi-spicy sliced chicken dish (275r), Just aboutthe only place in town where you can say, “Czech,please!” Cheapish new Czech pub at a prominentMayakovsky location is solidly mediocre... just likeyou’d expect from the Czechs. Stick to the sausagesand beer (0.5l for 75-110R), and you should have agood time of it.

Jeers: For some reason patrons here seem to be in a franticrace to lower Russia’s life expectancy even lower thanthe current 58 years, as nearly every client smoked notjust foul cigarettes, but also cigars and pipes. Pipes!Can’t someone just gong these idiots who smoke

pipes?! What fucking century do these assholes thinkwe’re living in?! Agh! Coming here frequently will turnmake your belly look American. Rude hostess nearlytackled us on our way up the stairs because we neglect-ed to tell her that we had friends waiting for us. Our‘medium rare’ steak was burnt to a crisp. When was thelast time you craved Czech food? Exactly. M: 1: Mayakovskaya, 2: Kitai GorodPhone: 1: 251-2023, 2: 624-7003Address: 1: 1st Tverskaya Yamskaya 1, 2: Pokrovka15/16Hours: noon-midnight

The Real McCoy

$$

Cheers: eXile alert! We think we saw the famed baguette deParis sandwich back on the menu...but we left toodrunk to remember. Service has been more-or-lessprompt on recent weeknight visits. Always surprises usthat the food is so good! And you can easily do dinnerfor two with booze for under 1,000R! Portion giganto-sized, filling you up without letting you down. Kickin'business lunch deal. Succulent salmon filet madeSchrek feel like he was back living next to the PacificOcean. Spaghetti carbonara was good by Italian stan-dards—for 210 rubles, and at 5:30 in the morning! Youcan also get big slabs o’ meat (R400-R700) that actual-ly come rare if you want ‘em to. Don’t try anything toofancy and you’ll walk away completely sated. Did wemention it’s the best bar in town?

Jeers: eXile alert! Former fave 3 Amigos sampler plate nowtotal sucks ass. Chicken wings absolutely unedible—wethink they may have spent more time on the grill thanon the actual chicken. Service so bad on a recentSaturday afternoon visit, we were forced to call themanager from our cell phone in order to get a waiter tostop watching soccer and take our order. We have thefeeling that the high quality of the food probably does-n’t hold up at drunken 6AM visits. High US embassyspook factor. Spicy the Mexican food is not. The chick-pea and lamb soup (R180) needs to meet a blender. M: BarrikadnayaPhone: 255-41-44Address: Kudrinskaya pl. 1 (in the Stalin sky-scraper)Hours: Always

Tapa de Comida

$$-$$$

Cheers: eXile alert! If you’re looking for a different summerveranda to dine at, definitely give Tapas a try. Two bigthumbs-ups for the Gazpacho (140r) and the Sangria,which rawqs. Pig out on the gigantic Mixed Grill, a stealat 1100 rubles when you see the portions we’re talkingabout. Two of us still had to take a doggie bag. The foodhere’s great, with our favorites including the salmonseviche (R190), the beef filet salad (R400), and the rab-bit. Great sliced meats and a surprisingly good cheeseplate (R 480) well worth it, featuring the not-to-be-missed drunken goat cheese. Downstairs in the tapasroom rawks! Totally laid back atmosphere where youcan simply point to what you want at the tapas bar.Plenty of Spanish tapas and, for your chauvanisticRussian friends, plenty of Russky-style tapas. Best bitsinclude various sliced meats (although chirozo could bespicer...), smoked salmon, fresh-made bread, and ashrimp dish whose name we don’t remember. The for-mat seems to be a real hit among eXpats, and we count-ed three tables of ‘em on a recent visit. As always withplaces run by the folks at McCoy, killer cocktails... butyou might actually be able to walk rather than crawl outof this one. Great drinks menu, including smoothcognac like “kheres” for only R120/75g and tasty, funkysangria by the liter.

Jeers: Things to avoid: salmon suffle, the chicken liver, anddrinking here until 4. Tapas only served on the firstfloor. M: Tsvetnoi BulvarPhone: 208-2007Address: Trubnaya ul. 20/2 str. 3Hours: Always

Uncle Guilly’s $$ to $$$$

Cheers: We admit we’ve been neglecting Guilly’s ever sinceGoodman opened, but we wuz wrong! ThanksgivingDay meal proved the Guilly crew still can toss togethera great American experience, with tasty food and atten-tive service that can’t be beat. Plus, since it wasn’t all-you-can-eat, you’ll fit through the door on your way out.Guilly’s burgers are the best in Moscow fer sure; forgetwhat you heard about Hard Rock and Starlite. Killersteaks are the new favorite of Moe Snideman, Esq.,who’s on Atkins to slim down before a big case. Somenew sandwiches, with the meat-heavy Dagwood win-ning two thumbs up (only don’t forget to hold the friedegg). Tasty black bean soup! On the Russky side of theequation, the hearty Solyanka is peerless (and this in acity seemingly awash in solyanka). That “All-American”burger continues to win hearts, minds, and stomachswith its seemingly limitless charms.

Jeers: Thanksgiving meal was capped with... fruit cake! Wedecided to have a shot of absenthe instead. 100 rublesfor those little sampler Cokes? This is not a nice uncle!Gave free cherry pie to Americans and U.S. Embassyemployees for President’s Day. M: PushkinskayaPhone: 229-2050Address: Stoleshnikov per. 6, str. 1Hours: 12.00 - 24.00

IndianEuropean

MAR 20 - APR 2P. 20 THE EXILE

GOURMAND ALERT!By Mark Ames

True gourmands constantly lament the fact that despite the boom inMoscow’s high-priced restaurant scene, there still are only a handful ofrestaurants (at best) that cater to true lovers of creative dining. Moscow’sdining class is far more interested in the crowd, the setting, and getting tried-and-true dishes than in challenging their tastebuds.

I, of course, am different. The confidence I show in my tastes proves that Ihave superior judgment to yours, which is why I publish my opinions, and youtry to imitate me.

Here’s my first bit of advice to Muscovites if you want to pretend that youare an aspiring gourmand, Go To NAVARRO’S. I’ll repeat that: Go To Navarro’s.

Last week I took a very special lady to Navarro’s for Valentine’s Day, anddamn if we weren’t the most satisfied pair of lovebirds on this blue planet ofours that we all must share. It’s the first time I visited Navarro’s since lastyear’s summit meeting with radical CommunistViktor Anpilov, when we wolfed down a mind-boggling Sunday Brunch spread and washed itdown with the spiciest Bloody Mary’s you’llfind in these parts, not to mention an array offresh oysters, meats, and Southwest dishes.

Chef Yuri Navarro is a humble hero ofMoscow’s culinary scene. You can taste thelove and pride that he puts into every dish. Like a true artist, Yuri is a guy wholoves creating great food, and wants to share his creations with an audience.

We cheered the orgasmic slices of raw salmon in lime and cilantro that weate as appetizers, and writhed in ecstasy from the wonderful main courses: aperfectly prepared, juicy chicken dish with sweet potatoes (540r), and a lightserving of Chilean Sea Bass over creamed spinach (640r).

My only complaint is the loud Latino live music: the acoustics in Navarro’saren’t suited for Moscow’s notoriously 11-volume-dial musicians.

Other than that, I can say that Yuri’s Valentine treats made me a star in myspecial lady’s eyes.

"Thank you so much Mark, it was wonderful!" she told me as we left, rosesin her hands.

"Yeah? Does this mean I get anal?" I asked. And you know what? She wasn’t angry at me for asking.Muchas gracias, Navarro’s!

EATS REVIEW

M: 1905 Goda Phone: 259-3791Address: Shmitovsky proezd23, bldg. 4Hours: 8:30AM to 3AM or untilthe last guest

Adzhanta$$

Cheers: eXile alert! A few certain friends of The eXile not knownfor their culinary sophistication gave this place twooverpriced samosa’s up. Rita the Russian date agrees.She says: “I simply love this place! Who knew thatIndian food tasted so much like Russian food. I mean,we even have the same national dishes. Indians haveBiryani, we have Plov. They have Samosas, we haveXachipuri. Next time, I’m gonna come here with my girl-friends. It’s so expensive and has such good remont!”Good bellydancing at a non-obnoxious volume hasbeen reported. They also take American Express so youcan blow your companies cash on overpriced meals.

Jeers: Too freakin’ expensive, even if it is situated in a stand-alone palace. For your money, Maharajh is still the bestbet in town. Rita asks: “I like it, but why do all the wait-ers have to be dark-skinned? Isn’t this a high classrestaurant.”M: Ulitsa 1905Phone: 609-3925, 609-3701Address: M. Gruzinskaya 23Hours: 12.00 - midnight

Darbar$$

Cheers: Hands down still far and away the best Indian restuar-ant in Moscow, despite some new and faintheartedcompetition. The menu features both southern andnorthern dishes, and the Keralan owners make sure theIndian chefs get everything right, especially the yummydosas. Most of Moscow’s major embassies gets theirIndian catering here (includiing the Indian embassy), soyou can be sure it’s good enough for you. And the stun-ning view from the roof of the Sputnik--their new loca-tion--takes a night here to the next level. A rooftopbar/deck is in the works, so stay tuned...Jeers:The music that accompanies the dancers that pop outof the wall every half hour is a little loud. But at least it’sover in two minutes. M: Leninsky Prospekt Phone: 930-2925, 930-2365Address: Leninsky Pr. 38 (Top Floor of Hotel Sputnik)Hours: 12.00 - midnight

Juggernaut

$

Cheers: eXile alert! Now with the self-service section, you caneat plenty of meatless grub, some actually quite good,for very cheap. It’s now gone up in our esteem. Thisplace is great for dinner, but it’s the huge and deliciousdesserts that really bring you back. Unlike a lot of veg-gie places, Jugg wants you to have a good time. Withprices that max out at less than $6, even our junkiefriends can now afford to stay well-fed and fit.

Jeers: Many patrons have that kind of depressed, sallow com-plexion that makes us want to b-line it to Mickey-D’s fora Big Tasty. The place has a grim Berkeley vibe until din-nertime, when the staff perks right up and the portionsget bigger. Lack of booze takes the whole health-foodthing a bit too far. We could really do without the over-weight belly dancers.M: Kuznetsky MostPhone: 928-3580Address: Kuznetsky Most 11Hours: 10.00 - 23.00

Khajuraho$$$

Cheers: Killer Indian food, with tons of vegetarian options, andlots of copulating statues spread throughout the diningroom. What more could you ask for? How’s about someof Moscow’s best belly dancers? Host to Dr. Dolan’stear-filled going away party, when we tried most of themenu, and loved it all. We especially recommend thepalak paneer, tandoor dishes and just about anythingwith lamb in it.

Jeers: Food was rather on the bland side on our last visit. Ear-shattering music accompanies a belly dancer who isn’tmuch of a babe. How is it that Moscow’s got so manygreat Indian options when just about every other ethnicjoint in town deserves an ass? We resent having tomake choices, and they don’t bode well for Putin’sattempt to restore order in Russia. M: Ul. 1905 godaPhone: 256-8136; 256-7202Address: Shmitovsky proezd 14

Hours: 12.00 - ‘til the last guest

Maharajah$$$

Cheers: eXile alert! Folks, if you’re jonesing for takeout and youlive in the center, then don’t even bother going any-where else. We picked up in 15 minutes, and our culi-nary karma was elevated to the highest levels for sever-al mouthwatering hours afterwards. Try the succulentand elegant servings of Chicken Tikka Masala (595r)and the less-spicy but succulent Chicken Tikka (560r).As always, superior service, reaffirming our two turbanrating. Hail the reining Rajnish! New dishes like theChana Palak, spinach with chick peas, ruled, while oldfave Chicken Vindaloo had us working up a massivesweat. Service here is impeccable. An Indian friend tellsus these are the best curries in Moscow, and we haveto agree. Prices may be a little more than U’d like, butthe quality can’t be beat. Attention lactose intolerantreaders: will make the palak paneer (R360) with pota-toes (saag aloo) instead of cheese if you ask nicely.Great butter chicken (R510) and black lentil dal (R250).Samosa (R70 each) might not be Darbar-quality, but it’snot on Leninsky, either.

Jeers: Told us with scorn that there are cheap items on the

menu when we asked if they had a biz lunch. It’s in abasement. Naan is not great.M: Kitai GorodPhone: 621-9844; 621-7758Address: Pokrovka 2/1Hours: 12.00 - midnight

Tandoor$$-$$$

Cheers: Last visit gave us a dinner that is about as transcen-dental as they come. Packed full of Indians, eXholes,and the occasional Russian. Recent visit confirmed abig turban up on the palak paneer, samosas, and theawesome murg malai chicken tikka. Biz lunch a rockin’good deal for R300, with more savory courses than wecan count...and we’ve never tried the executive version.The prawn masala (600r) is fantastic, succulent, andthe Rosh Josh lamb dish (460r) makes us realize thaeven if the lion lies down with the lamb, we’ll eat thatlamb, so long as it’s prepared this way. Excellent kebabplatter and palak paneer. Serves Kingfisher beer,though it ain’t cheap. Lemon rice and stuffed breadsearn all four of Vishnu’s thumbs up! Madras chicken(420R) spiced to your tastes is so good, we don’t knowwhy you’d want to order anything else. Excellent servicemakes you feel like a Raj overlord.

Jeers: Cost of plain, steamed rice is upwards of $5, which isroughly the same cost of an entire acre of rice fields.Expat presence means you might be forced to listen totwo British old maids fight over the bill at the next table.Naan bread with peas a little lame; stick to garlic nan.The toilet in the concert hall area is pretty foul. M: Mayakovskaya Phone: 299-8062Address: Tverskaya ul. 31 (inside the Chaikovskyconcert hall, near Deli France)Hour: 12.00 - 23.00

VostochnayaKomnata$-$$

Cheers:eXile alert! Better call for reservations first—recentFriday night visit found the place packed to the rim, withlines of people waiting to get inside. As annoying asthat was, it’s certainly a step up from seeing Sushifagsstanding in line for Gyno-taki and Yuckitoria! Our idealmeal starts with some khachapuri, continues with somefalafel, and then ends with some curries. Reaffirm twoturbans way up on the hummus and the nan-like pita.Murg valai tikka, marinated chicken tandoor, a greatbargain at 200r. Easily the cheapest Indian food in thecenter, and tasty too! Sex Machine gave good marks tothe Murg Masala Curry (180R), and the Palak Paneer(180R). Nan bread a mere 30R, and among the best intown. Middle-Eastern menu has nice hummus (100R)and above-average falafel (30R).

Jeers: Belly dancer not “all that.” Sitting near the bar does notget you quicker drink service. Long Island Ice Tea mys-teriously served sans ice. Brought our appetizer outlong after we’d already finished our mains. Tabboulehwas weak. Dishes tend to be spiced for the Russian pal-let unless you tell them in advance to spice it up. M: SmolenskayaPhone: 937-8423Hours: 12.00 - 24.00Address: Smolensky Ploschad 3 (SmolenskyPassazh, down the pereulok on the right)

Cantinetta Antinori$$$$

Cheers: Currently Moscow’s most modny eatery; Novikov calledit his first “real” restaurant. We’re not quite sure wherethat leaves Yulki Palki. Just about everything weordered earned high marks, but ya gotta wonder whythe hell it costs so much. Expect to drop a Franklin perperson if yer drinking.

Jeers: Be prepared to be treated like dirt, no matter how muchmoney you’re willing to spend. Even with reservations(on a Tues., no less!), we were stuck outside in a thun-der storm... and the hostess showed no sign ofremorse. She musta thought we were hardly worthy ofgetting rained on at this place. Why anyone would riskgetting feised at a restaurant is beyond us. M: SmolenskayaPhone: 241-3771Hours: 12.00 - 24.00Address: Denezhny per. 20

Capriccio’s$$

Cheers: This multi-level Italian joint is really two restuarants inone: a lounge pizzeria at street level, and a warm andcozy traditional Italian eatery downstairs. The youngRussian chef is serious about his Italiano, and the pastaand Italian desert menus are solid across the board.Lots of Italian wines to choose from, which are betterthan similarly priced French wines. The seafood dishesare especially out-of-this-world good.

Jeers: The pizza is mediocre. Upstaris you may be surroundedby people eating sushi. Our butter was a little hard.

M: SukharevskayaPhone: 518-1380Address: Prospect Mira 5www.cappricio.ru

Dorian Gray$$

Cheers: Some people just know Dorian Gray as the Italian placewhere that guy got shot in the middle of dinner rush

back in the late 90s. These days the hearty Italianrestaurant with the literary British name is a more sub-dued place, where the only thing dying a Sicilian deathis your hunger. This is the real southern Italian deal,straight through the gloriously sushi-less menu and oninto the kitchen, which the knowledgeable Croatianowner keeps stocked with prize Sicilian chefs.Moscow’s O.G. Italiano cucine, the food at Dorian Grayis so authentic and so fresh that it has no right to be thisaffordable. It’s not cheap, but it’s not expensive, either.Quality Italian for the people—that should be theirmotto. Situated right across from the Kremlin on thewater, Dorian was one of Vladimir Putin’s favorite lunchspots before he became a famous pop star. And it’s stillfull of government heavies at midday, including a cer-tain Mr. Medvedev. The one time we saw him eat here,he was enjoying a pasta dish with pesto and (real)Sakhalin crab and some squid capaccio. We ordered thesame thing and were glad we did.

Jeers: They make the bread every few hours and serve it freshwith a choice of oils and butters, including a tuna but-ter so good it’s hard not to fill up on bread before themain. Putin sometimes still seen eating here poorly dis-guised in Groucho Marx nose-mustache-and-glasses. M: TretyakovskayaPhone: 238-6401Address: Kadashevskaya 6/1

‘Gusto$$

Cheers: Claims to offer fine dining in a casual atmosphere, righton Kamergersky! English-language menu a nice touch.Pizzas looked tasty.

Jeers: Where to begin...our ravioli reminded us more of pel-meni. Pasta cooked to Russian standards of toughness.Both our taglietelli in beer sauce (340R) and our date’sspaghetti with chicken (330R) were sitting like rocks inour stomach after an h our. Has awful live musiccranked to 11. For your money, you’re better off head-ing next door to Pinocchio.M: Okhotny RyadPhone: 209-6922Address: Kamergersky per. 5

La Grotta$$

Cheers: We used to like this place for its reasonable prices, itsunpretentious atmopshere, and the fact that otherItalians liked it too...

Jeers: So we went there recently for the first time in years, andfound that the times at La Grotta have a-changedindeed. Prices were absurd, the atmosphere depress-ing, and worst of all, three items we ordered weren’tavailable. So we got up and left. Atsa da matta for you!M: PushkinskayaPhone: 694-30-57Address: Bolshaya Bronnaya 27/4

Mario$$$$

Cheers: Mama mia, the risotto here is unabelievable-a! And soare a-the prices-a! If money is no object, or you have afriend to whom money is no object but a date who ishard to impress, you can’t do much better than thismega-oligarch magnet. Snideman reiterated his legalopinion that Mario’s is still the best restaurant in town,citing in his brief the tuna carpaccio and lobster. StillTHE place for oligarchs and oligarchabies.

Jeers: Recent visit had awful service and just about the cheesi-est, shittiest lounge singer we’ve heard in years. Pennewith salmon wasn’t all that. Almost got shot by jitteryguards after walking too close to a client. Customersfond of bringing in their groomed poodles in designerpakety. M: Ulitsa 1905 Goda Phone: 253-6505Address: Ulitsa Klimashkina 17Hours: 13.00 - midnight

Mi Piace$$$

Cheers: It’s clean and they have wi-fi that sometimes works.

Jeers: Imagine a third-rate Middle American “Italian” restau-rant in some shitty suburb, then triple the prices, halfthe portions and the quality, and voila! You have MiPiace. If you are a regular here, then you should be ster-ilized.Address: More Mi Piaces in town than tochkas, sowe’re not going to list them.

Pasta Della Mama

$$-$$$

Cheers:eXile alert! 390R biz lunch not only features huge por-tions, but it just might be the tastiest home-style Italianmeal you’ll get around these parts. Add to that blazingfast internet, comfy seating and bottemless fresh bakedbread with butter and you got yourself a perfect recipefor a biz lunch. This place is from the Goodman’s folksis sort of like a mid-sized-town US Italian family restau-rant, only at prices closer to Moscow’s. Fresh madepastas, daily specials. Good Jerusalem Artichoke Soup,good Spaghetti Bolognese (though a bit sweet), oddlytasty lasagna if you don’t mind the noodle-deficiency inthe recipe. Good sized portions.

Jeers:Didn’t bother renovating previous restaurant, Borgo.Overpriced and a bit pretentious for what it is. Service abit spotty. Crowd tends to the pafos. One foul womantalked loudly in bad English the whole time to her suit-or/boss. Don’t bring bread automatically. When we

asked for Tabasco sauce, they brought us Tabasco SoySauce, noting they don’t carry the hot pepper sauce.Soy sauce in an Italian joint???M: PushkinskayaPhone: 730-5600Address: Spiridonovsky Per 12/9Hours: 12.00 - midnight

Pasta Project$-$$

Cheers:Good place to take a date when you want to be cheapbut appear to be very “modern” since you order via acomputer. Whatever PP’s flaws, at least they use freshingredients and don’t smother anything in mayo.Homemade pasta joint takes the P-Dog one step furtherand has FULLY automated menus with touch screensand all! Helpful pictures help you decide whether you’llbe getting something tasty or something that looksfruity. Salad got OK marks, as did broccoli soup.

Jeers:If you hit the “ice” button on the touch screen, you’ll geta single cube. They refuse to leave good enough alone,like when they add fried mushrooms to what would oth-erwise be a perfectly fine mesclin salad. Another exam-ple: pesto comes with mozzarella, as if parm ain’tpafusny enough. No draft beer. Menu seemed a littleshort on pastas. Calls itself “territory of healthy food.”The only pasta we tried - tagliatelle bolognese - was alittle on the bland side.M: Kitai-GorodPhone: 928-6767Address: Pokrovka 1 Hours: 11:30-23:30

Sesto Sensa$$

Cheers: New Italian joint from the guy who brought U people’sfavorite Verona. Large portions. Fair prices. Good look-ing deaf chicks who are “hard of hearing” serve you.The food is neither bad nor great, but it’s value-friendlyat least.Jeers: But it ain’t all that in the flavor department. Verona isstill much better. Nice gimmick to have deaf peopleserve you, but it meant our order got fucked up.M: TaganskayaPhone: 911-3653Address: Novospassky Per. 3, korp. 1, entrance fromUl. Bolshie KamenshikiHours: Noon to midnight

Spago$$$

Cheers: It’s had its ups and downs, but Spago was recently rec-ommended to us by a genuine I-tie, and he’s right. Thenew chef, who hails from Rome, cooks the most perfectpasta you’ll find in Moscow. The best we tried wasSpaghetti A.O.R. (350r), with olive oil, garlic and spicypeppers, though almost as good was the Paccheti in ared sauce with cherry tomatoes, basil, and fresh parme-san shavings (400r). Why can’t anyone cook pasta likethis, so simple, yet so delicate. The ham appetizer withfocaccio (500r) was pleasing, though the minestrone,watery and frozen-vegetable-y, disappointed.Heinekens for 100r.

Jeers: Portions very Euro-small. Be careful about taking a datehere, she might order from the pricey meat menu,which could give cheap-O expats a minor stroke.M: Kitai GorodPhone: 621-3797Address: Bolshoiu Zlatoustinskii Per d. 1Hours: Noon to midnight

Verona$-$$

Cheers: Only place in town to find a good cannoli. For Italianstandards at impossibly low prices, this place can’t bebeat. The superb $3 penne arrabiatta alone is worth thetrip across town. Massive prosciutto appetizer (almost)always satisfies. Pizzas also damn good—try thecheese-less Marinara with super-spicy garlic tomatosauce.

Jeers: eXile alert! An eXile executive had her handbag stolenfrom the back of her chair here. Be careful! Can be verycrowded, meaning if you even get a seat, you’ll be stuckin the smoky, bright front room, rather than the dark,less-miserable dining room. Main dining hall doesn’topen until seven on Sundays—they make you wait inthe cafe. Limited wine list. Those massive parmesanchunks that come with the prosciutto seem like a bigwaste to us. Dessert selection extremely unpredictable. M: ProletarskayaPhone: 912-0632 / 276-4150Address: Vorontsovskaya ul. 32/36

Hours: 11.00 - 23.00

Acapulco $$

Cheers: Thank you Acapulco! There ain’t that many places outthere that still fit into our image of Russian restaurants:terrible, overpriced sloop that, at its best, reminds youof the concoctions that you’d whip up in 7th gradeHome Ec. class. The tacos (R290) come in a star-shaped hard shell reminiscent of Chevy’s mini-taco sal-ads! When we asked for a spicey masking agent, theybrought us mayo with red pepper mixed in!

Jeers: Who needs Jeers with Cheers like these! M: Park KulturyPhone: KulturyAddress: Zubovsky bul. 27/5Hours: 12:00 to 24:00

Hemingway’s$$

Cheers: eXile alert! Legendary Chris is back on the scene, witha promise to keep the British rugby fans out for good(see Jeers). An eXile editor found himself in a state ofbeaner-gas bliss after scruffing down their burrito/tacocombo last weekend. Two stinky thumbs up! Half-offburgers on Tuesdays means you can get a helluva mealwith beers for under $20. Considering the depth of thefalling $ these days, that some serious value. A shortwhile back, Hemingway’s got itself a new and improvedexpanded menu. While keeping all the Tex Mex dishesyou’ve come to know and crave, they’ve expanded theirsalad offerings and added a whole new steak and fishsection. And the number of tasty appetizers, dessertsand cocktails has swelled to oceanic proportions. Ifyou’re into seafood, then you have try their grilled scal-lops (340r). The grilled trout (650r) is a bit expensive,but what the hell, you’re probably making a butt load ofmoney working some boring consulting job. Wash it alldown with Hemingway’s patented absinth B52 shooter,the only cocktail we tried that makes absinth slide downyour throat like butter.If you’re in the mood for someTex Mex, Hemingway’s is still the only bet in town.Brought to you by Chris of the legendary Flegmatic Dog.The delux Tex Mex nachos, are piled high with cheese,beans and guac, are heavy enough put down a 300-lb.Mexican wrestler. If you’re too much of a pussy toweather the Burrito Taco combo, there’s he endangeredChilean Seabass (490r) rocks, and the vegetarianHemingway wrap. Both lite and good. The margaritas(180r) are perfectly mixed for your lady.

Jeers: British rugby fans. Salsa could still use a bit moreumph.M: Park KulturyAddress: Komsomolsky Prospekt 13 (where LaHacienda used to be)

Navarro’s$$

Cheers:eXile alert! See our expand-o-update on pg 20. We justsampled Navarro's amazing weekend brunch, and folks,you won't find a better place in Moscow. Everythingfrom succulent oysters to fresh tamales, babaganoushto freshly-slized pork shoulder, paella, and a hugedessert spread, all for 1200 rubles. Also if you like spicyBloody Mary, then definitely try the version atNavarro's, and you'll sweat your hangover away. YuriNavarro, long an eXile fave, now has his own namesakerestaurant not far from Santa Fe, and folks, everythinghere lives up to the name. Wide-ranging menu offeringexcellent tapas, ceviche, grilled fish and meats, salads,and even huevos rancheros for breakfast. You shouldstart at the bar and try as many tapas, without evenbothering to choose. You might come across the suc-culent Tiraditas de Salmon, marinated in lime, cilantro,and garlic. Fantastic quality, great desserts, all in all aplace to go if you’re the gourmand type or just lookingto relax.

Jeers: So far, no jeers...M: 1905 Goda Phone: 259-3791Address: Shmitovsky proezd 23, bldg. 4Hours: 8:30AM to 3AM or until the last guest

Old Havana$$

Cheers: eXile alert! We just found another reason to go here: thekickin’ bar. Live Latin music, tons of babes gettin’ juicy,and a great place to pick up off-duty NightFlight/Metelitsa whores. Old Havana is new-ing up theirmenu with some muy delicioso items! Our favoritesincluded the breaded langostines with a mango sauce,the massively tasty chicken stuffed with a pistachio fill-ing, scallops, and the yummie duck salad. Now you caneat more upscale Cubano food or the more simplyCubano...and still enjoy the rippin’ good cocktails andthe wild shows. Good place for large parties. Last visitroundly praised all the dishes, as well as the hand-rolled cigars (1,000-1,500R). Impressive show, full ofdark-skinned AfroCuban babes. Bar area packed full ofdrinkers and dancers, making this a one-stop party jointon weekends. Delicous food at surprisingly cheapprices, enchanting interior, the music and dance showis enthralling (especially on weekends). Two rooms,either the low-key bar area with a live band, or the wildshow room, which is good for dates but not for conver-sation. Avocado Salad (130R), Santiaguera Pork(310R), rice with black beans—all the authentic stufffrom real Cuba is there. Already attracting the limberLatino community and Russians who love that wholeLatino night thing. Also try the yucca plant and the plati-nos. Have their own hand-rolled cigars, kick-ass moji-tos, the most authentic ones in Moscow!

Jeers: Our mains were a bit cold, but the staff was willing toput them in the microwave for us. This isn’t a place forquiet conversation. It’s more like a people’s Cubanrestaurant, which is a plus for us, but not for theSalnikovs of this world. We can’t really complain aboutmuch. Except maybe that the dancers were so calientethat we couldn’t look at our dates anymore.M: Volgogradskaya ProspektPhone: 277-0578Address: Talalikhina Ul. 28Hours: 24/7/265

Pancho Villa

$$

Cheers: eXile alert! Recent late-night visit shows that Starlite isnot the only choice in town when you’re hungry at 3AM!Massive nacho plate got rave revues. New Pancho Villaa vast improvement over former digs, with funky layoutand much more space. Andreas is back in action, whip-ping up some of the most authentic Mexican food thisside of the Iron Curtain. Who are we kidding though: it’sthe 2-fer-1 happy hour that goes from midnight til

Latin

Italian

BAR-DAK EATING GUIDE P. 21 THE EXILE MAR 20 - APR 2

Updated

Updated

BAR-DAK EATING GUIDE

19:00 that won our loyalty. Best margaritas in town, andsexy Mexican babes to serve them. The chili isMoscow’s best, though a bit overpriced at $12 a bowl.Giant aps plate for R870 with various quesadillas,empanadas, wings and dips a great way to start off, andgood for four or more. Great off-the-menu marbled beefthat Andreas comped us after last production. Breakfastalternatives have Starlite worried, with a breakfast bur-rito for just 120R and huevos rancheros for 90R....

Jeers: No Mexican options on the b-lunch menu. How is thatTaco Bell can have a complete $0.69/.79/.99 menu, andPancho’s can’t even serve a biz lunch with tacos andrefried beans? Last couple meals weren’t up to our first.Word out now is that this Pancho isn’t quite theMexican fantasy that its former spot was. Our onebreakfast foray didn’t wow us. Happy hours only goodon weekdays. Tequila pouring babes hard to resist.Endless Desperado loop on TV gets a bit tiring.M: OktyabrskayaPhone: 238-7913Address: Bolshaya Yakimanka 52

Santa Fe

$$$

Cheers: Recent stabbing murder of Italian businessman outsidereminds us of Old Moscow. Full of handsome NewRussian types; large bar area serving up wicked drinks.Chef hails from East LA, which should tell you some-thing good. Once you’re through here, you can headaround the side to Hippopotum, and breathe your salsabreath on someone you love.

Jeers: Recent stabbing murder of Italian businessman outsidereminds us of Old Moscow. Food lacking in substance,though not in pricing.M: 1905 goda Phone: 256-2126Address: Mantulinskaya 5/1, str. 6Hours: noon - 02.00

Sombrero

$$

Cheers: Cozy basement Mexican dive offering all the Mexicanfavorites. They got tacos, burritos, fajitas and quesadil-las all at reasonable prices. Their soups are grande: thecream of corn (190r) or the pozola (240r) are human-gous enough to ruin your appetite. Wines reasonablypriced. Quesadillas (290r) quite possibly the largestwe've seen in Moscow. Good tortillas with the fajitas(470r). Offers a 20% discount on the menu during the

day.

Jeers:Were out of the only Mexican wine on offer, not thatwe’d ever be stupid enough to order it. They forgot tospice the dishes. B-lunch composed of typical Evroshite.M: NovoslobodskayaAddress: Sushevskaya Ul. 21Phone: 8-499-972-1271Hours: 12:00-01:00

Bavarius$$

Cheers: The best and most authentic Jerry food and Biergartenin this gottverdammten Town! And probably the bestdamn biz lunch while we’re at it. U could do much wurstthan the sausage plates for under 10 bucks. Huge por-tions, good prices and excellent bread as well. A liter or4 of Franziskaner Weissbier will erase any worries youmight have in this crazy world. For a naughty breakfastoption, try the Weisswurst with sweet mustard, a pret-zel and a mandatory Weissbier.

Jeers: Uncomfortable wooden seats. Why the hell can’trestaurants just offer comforable seating?! If you orderstill water, you’ll get a tiny dropper of Evian for 101rubles. Facken zie!M: 1: Mayakovskaya; 2: FrunzenskayaPhone: 1: 299-4211; 2: 245-23-95Adr: 1: Sadovaya-Triumfalnaya 2/30 str. 1; 2: Komsomolsky pr. 21/10Hours: 12.00 - 0.00

Cafe Pushkin$$$

Cheers: THE place to take visiting relatives footing the bill for ataste of passable Roosky food. Schreck describedbreaded veal as closest thing to Sublime in months.Two babes dining alone at the next table were a closesecond. If you’ve got the dough, all-in-all the mostimpressive “haute rus” cuisine. Black caviar with bliny($23) melts in your mouth. Excellent solyanka ($9), pel-meni, and main courses.

Jeers: It’s so cilivized here you’ll get paranoid that Russia hassuddenly become like Switzerland. Paying somethinglike sixty bucks for four shots of Russkii Standart real-

ly brings out our Jew-guilt. Oversized menu makesdeciding impossible; overbearing. Grilled lamb ($17)chewy and not particularly flavorful. Packed full ofquasi-cultured Russian bobos and foreigners with over-lydressed dyev-dates. Why pay this much for localfood? M: PushkinskayaPhone: 229-5590Address: Tverskoi bulvar 26AHours: noon - midnight

Cafe Pushkin$$$

Cheers: THE place to take visiting relatives footing the bill for ataste of passable Roosky food. Schreck describedbreaded veal as closest thing to Sublime in months.Two babes dining alone at the next table were a closesecond. If you’ve got the dough, all-in-all the mostimpressive “haute rus” cuisine. Black caviar with bliny($23) melts in your mouth. Excellent solyanka ($9), pel-meni, and main courses.

Jeers: It’s so cilivized here you’ll get paranoid that Russia hassuddenly become like Switzerland. Paying somethinglike sixty bucks for four shots of Russkii Standart real-ly brings out our Jew-guilt. Oversized menu makesdeciding impossible; overbearing. Grilled lamb ($17)chewy and not particularly flavorful. Packed full ofquasi-cultured Russian bobos and foreigners with over-lydressed dyev-dates. Why pay this much for localfood? M: PushkinskayaPhone: 229-5590Address: Tverskoi bulvar 26AHours: noon - midnight

Gorki$$$

Cheers: Russian food in the style of a 60s Soviet restaurant forthe party elite. Waiters treat you as if you're a politburochief, and also manage to stay out of the way—a nicechange in this city. Another reminder that Stalin had itall figured out... The best beef stroganoff we've everhad and believe us, we’ve had a lot. Other dishes gethigh marks too. Definitely the best choice now forupscale cuisine a la Rus.

Cheers: Occasional loud and obnoxious estrada performancesserved to you for an added fee, which you must pay.Freakin’ expensive. Unless you’re chauffeured here on ablack Merc, you WILL feel like a field negro. We guar-antee it. M: MayakovskayaPhone: 775 2476Address: 1st Tverskaya-Yamskaya 3

Version 1.0$$$

Cheers: A stone’s throw from Red Square, this place tries hard-er than just about anyone in town in the decor depart-ment. The virtual reality banquet hall is surely the mostfuturistic dining room in the city. The bar list claims tobe the longest in town, and we’re inclined to believe it.Excellent mojitos. The food is solid mid-range fare, aRussian-Evropsky fusion served vertically on fancyplates. Bar goes snap, crackle, pop on weekends andturns into a hotbed of semi-pafusness by drawing amultitude of middle-class student chicks who desper-ately want to look like they belong on the pages ofGlamour magazine. V 1.0’s newly expanded dance-floor/DJ area has increased the place’s nite life stats tothe point that we’re considering moving this listing tothe clubs section...

Jeers: After the novelty and the acid wears off, you start towonder if the virtual reality room isn’t a bit retardedand/or creepy.M: Pl. RevolyustiiPhone: 647-1303Address: Varvarka 3 (Gostinny Dvor)Hours: Good ones.

Night Flight$$-$$$

Cheers: eXile alert! There’s a new chef in Night Flight’s kitchen,and that means a new reason to “go there for the food.”Which we did. The new menu is both creative and ele-gant, serving up still some of Moscow’s best culinarydelights. We started with Kamchatka crab roll pistachiosalmon roe (450r for a medium-sized plate), an amaz-ingly rich, delicious concoction for the crab-lover inyou. Next we tried the Asparagus creme scallops soup(230r for a taster bowl), made exactly as thick and richas it should be. The chicken/noodle/veggie wok dishperfectly captured the oily goodness of properly friedchow mein. Our favorite had to be the main course, athick juice Reindeer steak cooked rare, served with foigras potatot dumpling (750r for the “starter” size).While most game is usually, er, gamey, this reindeermeat tasted like it came from Texas, making us wonderhow Santa Claus manages to keep himself from cook-ing Prancer and Vixen after having to look at their tastyloins every Christmas Eve. We finished off with asuprisingly tangy, delicious homemade CactusSherbert, which we highly recommend. As always, thewines were expertly chosen, making Night Flight stillone of Moscow’s very best places for genuine winelovers. The most surprising wine had to be the HugelRiesling from Alsace (2900r for a bottle), while theIronstone Reserve California Zinfandel went perfectlywith the bloody reindeer meat. With superior wineselections, as well as expert and discreet service, andviews of the hottest babes who seem interested in you,this place still ranks as Moscow’s finest dining.

Jeers:

Honestly, there’s nothing at all to jeer here.Entrance fee - 800 rublesM: TverskayaPhone: 229-41-65Address: ul. Tverskaya 17Hours: 18.00 - 05.00

Scandinavia$$-$$$$

Cheers: eXile alert! This place cooks up some "gourmet-shit," asSamuel Jackson might say. A Crayfish Bisque (380r) todie for, fantastic duck and succulent Lamb Entrecote, alldone simple and to perfection. Killer Scandi-style que-sadillas are great for table to share while you’re waiting.Big ups to the chicken cesar, too. Our other favoriteSwedish restaurant. Re-affirm the buy on the CaesarSalad, our newest fave in Moscow, packed full ofRomaine and shrimp. Large fine de claire oysters, flownin fresh thrice weekly, brought the Atlantic sea to ourtaste buds. As always, cocktails are first rate. One morereason to hit the bar: the famous Summer Cafe Burgeris now available year-round in the cocktail lounge!Yippee! Service impeccable a always. Indoors nowoffers biz lunches from R290! Babe-o-licious waitress-es. Bloody Marys so tangy they’ll make you wish youhad a hangover. Moscow’s sleekest urinal.

Jeers: Like we said, not cheap, portions not large, so Old-Europe-phobic Americans might need a little adjust-ment here. If you thought western I-bankers were a pre-98 phenom, you haven’t been to Scandinavia recently.Hummus conspicuously missing from the menu recent-ly, although we’ve been told it’ll be back. M: PushkinskayaPhone: 937-5630Address: Palashevsky Mal. per. 7Hours: 12.00 - 24.00

El Gaucho$$$$

Cheers: We’ve been lax on trying this place since we hadDoug’s, but now that he’s gone, we decided to tryArgentinean steaks and folks, they wuz good! ForgetGoodman’s, El Gaucho has the best steaks in town.Sure, they’re pricey, but you do get what you pay for.Coal grill they bring out with each steak keeps yourmeal warm. We’ve eaten here twice so far, and bothtimes we felt like we would never have to eat again.Mayakovskaya location THE place to take someone youwish to impress.

Jeers: The Paveletskaya branch isn’t all that swanky. Differentbranches have different menus. We can’t afford to eathere more than once a year. M: #1: Mayakovskaya, #2: Paveletskaya, #3: KrasnieVorotaPhone: #1: 699-7474, #2: 953-2876, #3: 623-1098Address: #1: Sadovaya-Triumfalnaya 4, #2:Zatsepsky Val 6, #3: Bolshoi Kozlovsky Per. 3Hours: 12.00 - 23:00

Goodman

$$$

CheerseXile alert! The burger that we’re about to mention,yeah the tasty one that’s we wanted to rock your world.Well, it’s now two times in a row that they’ve been outof beef patties.Tverskaya has been out of them.Although Goodman’s burgers are pricier thanScandinavia’s at 450r without toppings, they’re damntasty and quality. The chocolate cake (270r) is betterthan most of our sexual experiences of the last fewyears. Ribs shockingly good and slide off the bone soeasily you can eat ‘em with a fork. Plus, they’re a rela-tive bargain at $24. Our favorite steakhouse. They actu-ally cook the meat as you request it, never overdoing it!Tries to be a local version of the Palms, including wearymiddle-aged waiters and caricatures of local famouspeople (including a startling likeness of our boy Sam)on the wall. Ribeye ($34) is huge and hugely satifying.

Jeers: We’re still waiting for a better-priced version, with bet-ter Palms-like service, of this place, but until it comes,we have to give props to Goodman’s. Better makereservations on Tverskaya, as biznes is booming.Barrikadnaya branch feels like it’s on the third floor of amall, and it is. M: a) Pushkinskaya b) BarrikadnayaPhone: a) 937-5679 b) 981-4941Address: a) 23 Tverskaya b) 31 Novinsky bulHours: 12.00 - ‘til the last customer

Steak’s$$

Cheers:Located in the old Le Club. Mid-priced. Not sure whatthe hell they’re aiming for here, but perhaps we tried ittoo soon after opening. Nothing memorable.

Jeers: Should be named "Sucks."M: TaganskayaPhone: 915-1042Address: Ul. Verkhnaya Radischevskaya d. 21Hours: noon-midnight

Torro Grill $$

Cheers:Moscow’s newest meat-lover’s restaurant sets itselfapart from the rest with its remarkably reasonableprices, kick-ass Argentinian grill, and meat offeringsthat break out of the usual steak offerings. Besides

Ribeye steaks, they offer awesome sausages, juicychicken, a mouth-watering pulled-pork sandwich, andone of the best bowls of bean soup in Eurasia. Definitelyhave the freshly brewed pale ale. From the good folkswho first brought us Goodman’s, expect Toro tobecome a bigtime fave.

Jeers: It’s located in a mall. M: UniversitetPhone: 775-4503Address: Prospekt Vernadskogo d. 6 (in the hugenew mall), 2nd floor next to the movie theaterHours: noon-midnight

Thai Thai$$-$$$

Cheers: Centrally located, decent Pad Thai and Pad kee maonoodles dishes, fine service, said to have a real Thaichef, definitely has a nice Thai hostess.

Jeers: Tom Yong Goon soup way way way too salty. Not asgood as Blue Elephant, but not as overpriced either.M: Chisty PrudyPhone: 510-1813Address: Ul. Pokrovka 4Hours: 11.30 - midnight

Tibet Restaurant$$

Cheers: With the legendary Doug Steele now at the helm, Tibethas been reincarnated to higher level of consciousness.The drab 90s decor has been replaced with somethingmore befitting of the Putin era. But the change isn’t justskin deep, it’s spiritual, too, man. In addition to theirkick ass Spicy Chicken Wings (eXile’s personalfavorite), Tibet now offers a Spicy Fried Potato dish thatactually really spicy. The Mustard Sesame Chicken, thePork With Pepper, Chicken Auido, as well as theChicken Chili Noodles are some of the “must-try” menumodifications. But what’s truly blessed is that we havebeen assured that Tibet will continue stay within theirpreviously stablished Val-U range.

Jeers: That would be like bad karma.M: Okhotny RyadPhone: 692-0267Address: Kamergersky per. 5/6Hours: noon - 23.00

13 Sandwiches$$

Cheers: eXile alert! We just ate another massive round of 13Sandwiches, and the entire eXile staff can never go toshite "sandwich" dives like Pyat Zvezd again. Everysandwich is masterfully thought out, huge, and original,including the roast beef favorite. If you miss genuinelyinventive sandwich culture, then pine no more. 13Sandwiches is the answer to your problems. Seriously.The Proscuitto di parma, sopresata, grilled bell peper,provolone and mayo panini was a big hit with us, unlikeany sandwich we’ve had in the FSU. Popular choicesinclude the Kamchatka crab meat, arugula, sliced avo-cado sandwich, and the Roast Beef panini. They alsooffer a range of veggie delights, and now warm meals.Reasonably priced, good portions, quality ingredients,perfect for a business lunch. We’re def going back.

Jeers: They were playing incredibly loud Russian MTV shitewhen we visited.M: Tsvetnoi BulvarAddress: Ul. Trubnaya 21Phone: 106-4996

Johnny’s$

Cheers: The pizzas are, if not the best, then right there at thetop. With the people-viewing that goes along with it,this is one of the great after-hour places to stop for abite. Great gelato with constantly changing flavors!Good place to take your provincial date, who’ll think it’s“klass” and won’t bust your wallet. Afterwards, headdownstairs into Moscow’s happeningest disco, whereyou can ditch the provincial date.

Jeers: Don’t get tempted by the cakes/baked goods, or we’llhave to say, “we told you so.” Sometimes you can smellthe sweat wafting up from Papa John’s. M: TurgenevskayaPhone: 755-9554Address: 22 MyasnitskayaCall Lena at 795-3376 fax us at 245-1415 or email us at editor@exile.ru to give or receive some sweet lovin’.

Delivery/Sandwich shops

Tibetan

Thai

Steaks

Scandinavian

Russian

German

MAR 20 - APR 2P. 22 THE EXILE

P. 22 THE EXILE MAR 20 - APR 2

Publisher: Konstantin BoukarevEditor-in-Chief: Mark Ames(editor@exile.ru)Editors:Yasha Levine(yasha@exile.ru)

Alexander Zaitchik(zaitchik@exile.ru)Art Director: Vika LurieFamily Planning:Jake Rudnitsky(jake@exile.ru)John Dolan(dolan@exile.ru)Ad Design: Ivan Sukhovey

Valery SetkinMarketing & Advertising Director: Zalina Abdusalamova(zalina@exile.ru)Advertising Manager:Elena Gabdr(the_exile@mail.ru)Natalia Durdyeva(the_exile@mail.ru)

Minister of Information: Dima Shalya (nespat@arctel.ru)Office Manager: The Guzel’(the_exile@mail.ru)Illustrations:Roman PopsuevContributors: EdwardLimonov, Denis Salnikov

(tseppelin.guy@exile.ru), PeterArenseberg, GaryBrecher (war_nerd@exile.ru), Jared Lindquist(exileradio@ gmail.com) Technical Support:Volodya the MasterPrepared By: Ne Spat’!ì˜Â‰ËÚÂθ:

ééé “ùÍÁ‡ÈΔPrinted by Media PressaCirculation: 25,000ñÉì åèíê êî: #PI1-01369 ÓÚ 10.10.2003 „.@ all writes reservedTel.: 623-3565 Fax: 623-5442

Отпечатано в ИД

“Медиа - Пресса”

Тир. 25000

123993, ГСП - 3, Москва, А-40,

ул. “Правды”, д.24

Зак. № 813006

Редакция не несет ответственности за

содержание рекламных объявлений.

•CLASSIFIEDS•CLASSIFIEDS•CLASSIFIEDS•Elite ESCORT

• Top models• Black, Oriental, Russian

• Sweet couples• Lolitas • Sauna • Catalogue

798-0489

www.BBJ.4u.ruCall/text

+7(495)514-36-61

Perfect massageand more. . .

102 -3363K a t e r i n a

Mistress Sarah+7 (903)755-07-33

S e n s i b l e B l o n d e s7 6 9 - 8 5 0 3

8(926)235-0439TANIA

MASSAGE ANYTIME

ANIA8-926-617-82-33

MASSAGE

BEAUTIFULBUSTY GIRL649-21-70

ESCORTS.RU

GIRLS OF EXPO BANK

Last week, Britain's Barclay's Bank paid $745 million to buyRussia's Expobank. Why would one of the world's top banks paynearly a billion dollars for a Russian bank with just over $100million in assets?

We've found out why. Below we're publishing Expobank's giftcalendar for its clients (read: Barclay's), featuring its hottestemployees ranging in age from 20 to 32. Among the models areits chief economist for VIP clients Anna Pogodina (Miss March)and her boss Yulia Kovyneva (Miss April). Miss February,Evgenia Trusilova, a sales manager, is placed on a page with theslogan, "We work according to your personal needs." Indeed.

Barclay's, a British bank, took one look at the English womenit was stuck with, then took a look at the Expobank calendar, anddecided, "We're buying that Russian bank, we don't care what it

costs!"_ According to a press release passed on to The eXile, the cal-

endar project was personally overseen by Expobank's chairman,and the girls were all photographed by his wife, Elena Boksa. Abank representative explained, "We wanted to make a nice sur-prise for our clients. We wanted them to know that the peopleworking with them are not only specialists but also beautifulwomen. Expobank tries to discover something unusual and cre-ative in everyone."

—Mark Ames

CHASING THE DRAGON ON A RUSSIAN BUS

Is dealing smack in Russia going mobile? If the latest string ofbus driver arrests is any indication then the answer is "da." In thepast two months alone, several bus drivers have been arrested forselling heroin while on the job. Here are some of the bus-buststhat've gone down this year so far:

*The most recent bust occurred in Moscow on March 6, whenpolice arrested a driver as he pulled in his bus into his terminalstop. As it turned out, the perp had been working that bus routefor some time now, trading baggies of smack for cash with pas-sengers-in-the-know without even bothering to get out of the dri-ver's seat. Pending an ongoing investigation, the police are shorton details, but they did indicate that the suspect had to be sub-dued with force after he resisted arrest. Lab results confirmedwhat his pinhole eyes had already implied: he was getting highwhile on the job.

* A week earlier, a bus driver in Kaliningrad got nabbed forexactly the same racket. It worked like this: a customer wouldgive the driver cash upon entering as if he was buying a ticket andget his stuff as soon as the bus cleared out of passengers.

* Three weeks before that, on January 14, another Moscow busdriver was caught dealing heroin. Unlike the previous two, thisguy conducted his business outside the bus, selling smack at busstops. At the time of the bust, he had 2 grams of heroin in pos-session, a paltry amount we might ad. Lab tests confirmed that hewas getting high from his own supply. But the fact that he was ajunkie selling to support his own habit didn't seem to eat into hisbusiness. According to the cops, he was slinging about 200 gramsa month, netting 250,000 rubles (10 grand US!) over and abovehis official salary.

What's interesting to note is that none of the news reports madeany mention about these drivers' safety records. I guess thatshooting up and driving didn't make them any more prone toaccidents than their colleagues. It's a fact that doesn't reflect wellon Russia's bus drivers, not to mention the country's attention toroad safety. Maybe this is what drove them to self-medicate inthe first place.

Anyway, if you ever need to score some smack in Moscow butdon't have the connect, just tap your friendly neighborhood busdriver. He might be the one to hook you up.

— Yasha Levine

BELARUS EXPELS "BEASTLY-LOOKING" AMBAS-

SADOR

Belarus expelled U.S. Ambassador Karen Stewart today forbeing "inhumanly ugly," and demanded that Washington appointa new ambassador who "doesn't make us vomit on-sight."

Belarus authorities used the diplomatic cover of an alleged dis-pute over Western visa restrictions to finally expel the ambas-sador.

"We've been negotiating with Washington for months now toappoint an ambassador who looks at least vaguely human," saidone Belarussian official. "However, they were intransigent.Clearly they were using her ugliness as a weapon to try to forceus to buckle under."

U.S. State Department Spokesman Tom Casey expressed skep-ticism. "I don't know what the Belarussians are talking about.Ms. Stewart is one of the most attractive women in our govern-ment," he said, noting that "compared to other State women, Ms.Stewart is considered a centerfold!"

— Mark Ames

FRESH FROM THE BLOGS

Amb. Karen Stewart: beauty or beast?

“Vood you like to make a deposit, Americanboy?”